To think you should give a friend a lift home if it's raining?

(337 Posts)
eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:33:34

This may be more a chat thing, but think I need the harshness of AIBU to see if I do have the right to be mad at my friend!

Have done A LOT of favours for this friend, but won't include that in the argument since I didn't do them to be paid back... but it is what is annoying me about the situation.

Another mum at DS's nursery saw me and DS huddling under the doorway until the hail past. Said hello, grabbed her DS and drove home. DS was screaming because he was scared. He was under his raincover in the pram, and it was a 15 minute walk so it was only me that got wet. But it was still horrible and I was literally soaked to the skin.

I know the mum would of had to drop us home (5 min drive) and come back for her DS, as there was only 1 car seat. But there is no way i'd walk past my friend like that! She is always early to pick up her DS so it wouldn't of been an issue since it's daycare, not like at school.

Am I being unfair? Is it our fault we don't have a car? I just think it would of been nice!

(btw she wasn't in a rush. pictures on facebook of them cuddled up watching cbeebies etc when they got home!)

SavoyCabbage Fri 08-Feb-13 12:34:55

Where would she have left her own child?

Whoknowswhocares Fri 08-Feb-13 12:35:48

Yabu. Very.

She would have had to leave her DS to take you home? What parent is going to do that????

Isildur Fri 08-Feb-13 12:35:57

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:35:59

in nursery for an extra five or ten minutes! daycare nursery, no specific time for pick up at ours. pay by the day and there was a good 2 hours left!

Trills Fri 08-Feb-13 12:36:37

It would have been nice if she had.

But there is no should have about it.

As you said, she only has one car seat. She might be early by your standards but in her head she has arrived to pick up her DS so she needs to take him, so there is no room for another child.

It probably just didn't occur to her.

Sugarice Fri 08-Feb-13 12:37:42

Are you talking about two different friends here or the same woman, I'm confused.

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 12:38:03

Hahahahaha!

Look, it would have been nice, but it didn´t happen!

Maybe she realised she couldn´t fit you in??

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 12:38:06

Yes YABU, sorry. It would have been lovely of her to have done that for you but frankly, I can't see that many people would have.

Where did you want her to leave her ds? Think that makes all the difference...
(PS Sorry you had a horrid walk home, as someone who's just got a car I know how miserable it can be)

Floggingmolly Fri 08-Feb-13 12:38:26

If there were two hours of nursery still available, why were you taking your child home in a storm when he was so scared he was screaming?????

Actually YABU.....she didn't have enough car seats so she probably didn't give it a thought and if your child is taking up her sons seat where is she going to leave him.

You are being unfair and it isn't her fault that you don't have a car either....maybe she had somewhere to be.......there are going to be millions of times you get caught in the rain. Mother Nature has a funny way of making it rain at school run time so just get used to it, people aren't going to offer you lifts every single time and you cant go getting annoyed when they don't.

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Feb-13 12:39:13

Too many 'perhaps' in that - from one car seat, to having a boot full of crap (like mine) that couldnt accommodate a buggy, to running her car on petrol fumes and unable to fill it up thus unable to make extra trips, to not wanting to leave her child at nursery whilst she plyed taxi.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:39:22

maybe it's because of all the times she asks me to do stuff for her.... if it was a randomer then I wouldn't of expected it.

So, you wanted her to go back into the nursery and put her ds back in (cue melt down from her ds) and then come and sort you out? Hummm, not sure I'm that thoughtful when rushing home ... Could you not have gone back inside the nursery to wait for 15 mins for the worst of the hail to die down?
<caveat, I am nice normally, honest>

good question flogging - why didn't you just wait until it had passed?

Sugarice Fri 08-Feb-13 12:41:48

I don't drive and when I used to pick ds3 in his buggy we walked home whilst his friends were driven.

It didn't occur to me to get pissy about not being offered a lift, that's life when you don't drive.

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems Fri 08-Feb-13 12:42:21

YABU if you expected her to drive you home and then go back for her ds

Feminine Fri 08-Feb-13 12:42:33

I'm wondering the same as flogg smile

It would have been nice. You need to remember that just because you are the kind of person who would do it, others are a little more self centered/don't even notice. They are not bad, but have different agendas.

I was 8 months pregnant , my 'friend' dropped me at the bus stop because she didn't want to get stuck in traffic!

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:43:22

She hadn't picked her ds up yet. She was on the way in. Did you ACTUALLY read my post? funnypeculiar

We waited ten mins and then left because DS was getting so upset.

Lorelailovesluke Fri 08-Feb-13 12:43:23

Who else's fault would it be that you don't have a car?

littlewhitebag Fri 08-Feb-13 12:43:45

You had a pram and no car seat. She probably didn't even give it a thought.

KeepingCalmAndPostingNicely Fri 08-Feb-13 12:44:09

Surely if you had just waited inside this wouldn't have been an issue at all. YABU

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 12:44:14

She would have had to leave her own child to do it?

You are being Very Very unreasonable!

Surely you know that as someone who choses to walk to nursery then you are going to get rained on sometimes!

Why didn't you just wait inside yourself for a bit longer.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:44:50

Okay i'm just going to be a fucking bitch from now on. I would never leave one of my friends with her child walking home in the rain!

Fakebook Fri 08-Feb-13 12:45:52

Oh my gosh, yabvu! I've walked home in the rain with a pushchair and had Dd's school friends drive by too. It's not the end of the world. You're not made out of salt so I'm sure you'll survive. Have a bit of pride.

FernandoIsFaster Fri 08-Feb-13 12:46:01

If I say YANBU will you promise to stop saying 'should of', it's making my teeth itch.

Isildur Fri 08-Feb-13 12:46:10

Well you won't have much choice about leaving your friends in the rain, what with not having a car..

Trills Fri 08-Feb-13 12:46:22

Okay i'm just going to be a fucking bitch from now on.

What made you come to this conclusion?

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 12:47:26

So she was supposed to turn around and put her son back into the nursery to shuttle you home then come back?

YABU.

Sugarice Fri 08-Feb-13 12:47:31

eggsy11 this has clearly rankled you.

Tell your friend you're pissed off at her lack of consideration and see what she says, you'll know where you stand in future about helping her out.

Yes, but she has asked you, you have agreed. You didn't say anything in your OP about asking. She can't read your mind. In that situation I probably wouldn't leave my dc, as they would be confused that I had just collected them and now am dashing off with someone else, but would be back soon. It depends on the age of her dc and their temperament. One of mine wouldn't have cared less, one would have thrown a fit and would have asked everyday for months if I was going to leave here there for another 10 mins for months, and the other one is too close to call.

I do try to give lifts when I can, but there are a myriad of reasons why it might not always be possible.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 12:48:26

So, your friend is a bitch for getting on with the plans she has made and for letting you get on with the plans you have made? hmm

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:49:39

She's the same friend who has asked me more than 10 times to get her something from the shop if she's home alone and her DS is ill (ie calpol or formula) / pick him up when she's late from work ( my DS can walk if he has to) etc etc etc. I've never asked her for a single thing! Again that's kind of irrelevant because I'd hope she would of thought about us walking home without having to 'pay back favours'.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:50:43

SHE HADN'T PICKED HER SON UP YET. HE WAS STILL INSIDE PLAYING AND WOULDN'T OF KNOWN SHE WAS LATE.

READ THE FUCKING POSTS.

Scootee Fri 08-Feb-13 12:50:45

"Is it our fault we don't have a car?"

I'm not sure who else's "fault" that could possibly be. confused

I'm sorry op, I think you are being pretty unreasonable.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Fri 08-Feb-13 12:51:19

Maybe your solution to the problem didn't occur to her? I doubt she sat n the car chuckling to herself about how wet you were getting on your walk.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 12:51:33

And you haven't answered why you didn't go back inside to wait. Why would your ds have been getting upset if you had done that?

Also, what is it that makes you think your friend was being a bitch? Maybe it just didn't occur to her in that moment because her mind was spinning with all sorts of other things, like it does for many of us. She might have thought about it on her way home, but it was too late by then.

You really are expecting a bit much if you think she should have considered you above whatever else she had going on in the less than a minute that it woudo have made a difference to you.

Juanca Fri 08-Feb-13 12:52:54

YABU. I got soaked to the skin walking DD home yesterday in a torrential downpour. I thought nothing of it and we both survived. Maybe your friend thought you were made of sterner stuff than you actually are?

manicinsomniac Fri 08-Feb-13 12:52:54

a 15 minute walk? To be honest it wouldn't have occured to me to offer and I give people lifts a lot. It just wouldn't enter my head that you'd need one.

If you'd asked I would have done it though.

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 12:52:55

Well, she didn't do it. I don't think she was being unreasonable. If it bothers you so much, then tell her or stop doing favours for her.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:53:04

okay fair enough! If she didn't bother to give us a lift, just 100% i'm going to tell her where to go when she next asks me to go bend over backwards to help her!

Feminine Fri 08-Feb-13 12:53:12

I think she has just hurt your feelings...right?

Like I said, its the type of thing you might do to help someone. It didn't register with her.

I'll bet you are a 'giver' in life, then get understandably upset when others don't.

You are not a bitch. You were hurt.

I have noticed the British are crap with giving lifts. I drive, but sometimes didn't have a car (in the US) there were no ends of offers from friends/family "you wanna ride?" grin

Here, I have had family members watch as I head out in heavy rain with a crappy wind shield!

ruledbyheart Fri 08-Feb-13 12:54:20

Could you not have got a taxi?
I wouldn't make my own child wait for the sake of driving someone else home.
I think YABU.

Sugarice Fri 08-Feb-13 12:54:23

You're not going to get the replies you're hoping for, no need for the shouting.

Scootee Fri 08-Feb-13 12:54:38

Yes, op you are perfectly within your rights to do that.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 08-Feb-13 12:55:00

Yabu. It's only a bit of rain! Man up.

ethelb Fri 08-Feb-13 12:55:26

Is it our fault we don't have a car?

Yes. It is. I say this as someone who doesn't own a car.

No need to shout.

YABU - maybe she did not fancy getting pissed wet through helping you get your buggy in and out of the car.

And please re read Trills post.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Fri 08-Feb-13 12:56:07

It wouldn't have occurred to me in that situation, I'd've been "oh, there's so and so, hi, must get DS" on the way in.

Did you ask her?

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 08-Feb-13 12:56:19

Plus your friend might be short of money and every mile of her petrol tank is already accounted for.

In my experience people who are good at asking others to help them out are generally good at giving help if it's asked for, she may have presumed you were fine and just not thought to offer, if you had asked (given the circumstances you had mentioned) and declined for no good reason then I would understand why you are upset but you didn't.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 12:56:36

But you didn't ask! You are expecting her to offer!

Don't you see the difference there? If you had asked, she may well have said yes. And if you had asked and she's said no, then in the circumstances you describe, it would have been a bit mean of her to say no if she didn't have a valid reason.

The problem is that you are thinking it should have occurred to her to offer. To those of us that are used to having a car, it just doesn't occur to you sometimes. That's not bitchy, it's just normal!

Fakebook Fri 08-Feb-13 12:57:08

She ASKED you for the favours. You could have asked her for a lift?

Tbh, I would have stopped doing her favours after the third time if it was bothering you so much.

TooMuchRain Fri 08-Feb-13 12:58:42

But why didn't you go back in to the nursery?

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 12:59:03

That's a good point Exit.

Maybe she didn't have space in the car for your buggy. Maybe she didn't want your wet, possibly dirty buggy in her car, or on top of anything else she may have had in her boot.

I have all sorts of crap in the boot of my car.

but you said in your original thread that you wont mention the favours as you dont want pay back.

You obviously do though!

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:59:59

Doing her favours has never bothered me. Especially since they were usually for her DS (ie going at lunchtime to give him his forgotten teddy, since my office is round the corner and it's easier for her to drop it at my reception than go to him iyswim).

I'm just genuinely really upset that she didn't think of us! I would never dream of asking! I think it's cheeky, and would of been fine 99% of the time. Just when you see a child upset I thin, it was incrediblly mean of her!

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 13:00:09

Oh-so you expected her to take you home & then come back for her son??!!

I doubt that that would even occur to her!

So-if you don´t want to do anything for her in future-don´t!

I didn´t realise we did things in the expectation of something back.

YABU, I don't drive either and I would never expect a lift from anyone, especially if it involved collapsing a buggy, putting a child in a car seat, 5 minute drive there, take everything out of the car and 5 minute drive back.

A 15 minute walk isn't that bad, but you would have been much colder because you were standing waiting for it to pass, next time just stick your hood up and brave it.

Eebahgum Fri 08-Feb-13 13:01:07

If you want to post questions in AIBU you need to be prepared for the fact that people sometimes say yes you are. You got cold & wet & pissed off - understandable. But you could've waited inside until the hail passed, or asked her for a lift. Sometimes we have to take responsibility for our own actions. If it makes you feel better, next time she asks for help refuse - but this isn't what she did. She probably has no idea she even upset you. X

Panzee Fri 08-Feb-13 13:01:18

Maybe the batteries in her crystal ball were flat.

How on earth did she know just from driving past that your DS was upset because of the rain?? He could have been crying for all manner of reasons, that is what young kids do.

You are way over thinking this.

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 13:01:44

But how was she to know why your child was upset?

And if you had told her-surely as far as she was concerned, she still couldn´t fit you all in the car!

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 13:02:23

Why wouldn't you ask?

You are setting yourself up for a lot of distress if you are going to get upset that other people don't think of you when they have their own lives going on.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 13:05:12

Because she walked past us when DS was crying! You have to get our of your car to get your DC's. It's not a drive-thru scenario unfortunatley.

DOES NO ONE READ POSTS ANYMORE.

Floggingmolly Fri 08-Feb-13 13:06:22

But when your child was upset, you could have simply taken him back inside? She wasn't responsible for rescuing the situation, you were the one who pushed him home through a rain storm unnecessarily.

Honestly - I suspect it didn't even occur to your friend. As you say, you were bent over dealing with a distressed ds (she didn't know why...) and she was rushing in the rain to pick up her ds. People with cars don't really think about the discomfort of walking home in the rain (& that's what it is, discomfort)

She asks when she wants a favour - you then have the choice to say yes or no. If you want a favour, ask & then she'll have the same choice. If she never says yes and continues asking THEN you might want to rethink the relationship. Currently, you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Fri 08-Feb-13 13:07:48

"I would never leave one of my friends with her child walking home in the rain!"

Um, but you would, because you don't have a car (nor do I). YABU. And ridiculous.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 13:08:00

She wasn't to know that your ds was upset because of the rain though.

I still don't understand why you couldn't have just gone back inside, especially if the nursery was still going to be open for another two hours.

Stop shouting!!!!!!!

So when she walked past you did you tell her he was crying because of the rain?

Seriously, you are coming across as rude on here, if you are as rude and volatile in RL then I am amazed you have any friends at all!

AWimbaWay Fri 08-Feb-13 13:08:35

I do the school run every day with my youngest in a pushchair. I'd say 50% of the time it's raining/snowing/hailing/windy etc. I would think about 10 parents whom I consider good friends probably drive past me most days. It would NEVER occur to me that they should offer us a lift. I chose to walk, they chose to drive, in fact I'd wonder what they were doing if they did pull over.

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 13:09:00

Still shouting. Nice.

She didn't offer. You didn't ask. YABU.

So as she went past, you told her your ds was upset because of the rain?

Feminine Fri 08-Feb-13 13:10:17

I have given you support here op seems you don't read properly either wink smile

WorriedMummy73 Fri 08-Feb-13 13:11:25

As a bus user, with 3 dc, who has been offered many lifts (and taken them) by friends, family, etc, but also not been offered lifts, I can kind of see op's point. It is hard, especially at this time of year, and it's so easy to get wound up when you're standing around in the cold/rain/snow, etc. Recently, I had to collect my three when it was literally a blizzard outside and we had to stand at the bus stop for 50 mins! I did get resentful at the other Mum's driving past us (some in people carriers, with only Mum and 1 dc in) and thought 'really? I have three freezing kids, all in tears, and no one can give us a lift?'.

BUT.

I need to learn to drive. This is my next project. We have a car that dp uses for work, but he'll get a little van. I'm looking into fast-pass courses. It's MY problem that I don't drive, no one elses. No one is obliged to give me a lift - I don't know where they're going, their petrol levels, etc. So, I think the issue here, op, is that you asked 'SHOULD' she have given me a lift?'. No, she shouldn't. She's another Mum, with her own child and issues. Would it have been nice? Definitely. But it didn't happen. Hey ho, move on.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 08-Feb-13 13:11:26

You sound like you have an incredibly large sense of entitlement, OP

AWimbaWay Fri 08-Feb-13 13:11:28

Oh, and my Dd is frequently crying too, toddlers have a tendency to do that (at least mine does) at the drop of a hat. She was crying on the school run today because her wellies were broken, and I mean really screaming, they weren't confused.

sadivfmummy Fri 08-Feb-13 13:11:29

YABU. Nobody I know would think 'I'm at the nursery but my child hasn't seen me yet so I'll offer someone a lift home and then come back'. People just don't. If she had a second car seat she may have done. But it's crazy to suggest she leaves her child there just to give you a lift home.

And there is a difference between that and asking someone who may be popping to the shops anyway if they'd mind picking something up 'cos you're home wit ha sick child. The main difference being that you are ASKING not assuming that they will just randomly call and offer.

You also have no idea why she was there - she may have been picking him up for a doc appointment or something, and taking you home would have made her late for the appointment and potentially blacklisted.

So yes, YABU and you sound like the worst kind of entitled person! If the weather was that bad you should have left your child there until it had passed, if it was going to affect him that badly instead of going to pick him up in the first place.

rollmopses Fri 08-Feb-13 13:12:22

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AvonCallingBarksdale Fri 08-Feb-13 13:12:32

There's no point shouting at people to read the posts, OP - why won't you answer what several people have asked you - why didn't you go and wait inside while the hail passed? If you're this volatile in RL, I'd probably give you a wide berth tbh!

Maybe she has plans?

If she works I reckon her time with her child is precious, and she had places to be?

But you had chosen to pick up your child two hours early despite the bad weather? So clearly you were not busy.

DuchessFanny Fri 08-Feb-13 13:13:31

You are BU but i can see why you are upset. You have done her a lot of favours and she's offered you nothing in return and when you feel you really needed it ... however your friend has ASKED you for favours, and you were waiting for her to OFFER you one, there is a bit of a difference here. I would have assumed it didn't even occur to her tbh, it certainly wouldn't have occurred to me and i ask and offer a LOT of favours to other Mum's at the school.

pictish Fri 08-Feb-13 13:14:38

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Or - maybe her child was poorly and the nursery had phoned her to collect him.

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 13:15:35

I would have done it. If it was only a couple of minutes and my own child wasn't going to suffer.

But it's a five minute drive, right? So that's ten minutes for her. Was she more than ten minutes early to pick up her child or would this have made her late to collect? I know you said it's pay by the day, but they must surely know when during that day a parent will collect? If so, would the nursery have been ok with that? Or would they have had an attitude about it? I know, like I say, you have said it is pay for the full day, but they may still expect her at a certain time?

Did she have any idea why your child was crying? Perhaps she just thought he was crying! Didn't realise it was cos of the rain.

you said in your op that you wanted opinions. the 'harshness of AIBU' - why are you getting so angry?

rollmopses Fri 08-Feb-13 13:16:01

Oops, not finished yet.

Did it occur to you, that perhaps she was in a hurry to go somewhere, in other words, had a previous engagement?
Or that she didn't have room for the buggy?

No?

Didn't think so.

Next time when you 'bend backwards' to do a favour, remember, favours are not necessarily reciprocal.

amicissimma Fri 08-Feb-13 13:18:48

So there you were, dressed for rain (sorry, I'm assuming), child in buggy, raincover on, apparently all ready for your walk home. Why would it even cross her mind that you would like to get your DC back out of the buggy, pack it up, all wet and soggy, get him into the car and get yourself, all wet, strapped in, then LEAVING HER OWN CHILD, take you home.

Surely she would assume that, as an adult, you had made appropriate arrangements to deal with your situation.

Maybe she could see that you needed to deal with your DC and wouldn't want to interfere. No reason to suppose she could tell what his issue was.

KnittedCharacter Fri 08-Feb-13 13:18:52

YABU i wouldnt leave my ds once i had picked him up from nursery. he may have got upset about being left in nursery again let alone confused!!!

She prob wanted to get home and spend some quality time with her child. its not her fault or her responsibility to sort you out!!!

also in her defence she also prob didnt even think about it either!

Eskino Fri 08-Feb-13 13:19:02

She didn't have room for you and your son and your big rain soaked wet pram in the car. Couldn't you accept that with grace? not everyone is placed on this earth to do you favours.

Learn to drive, get a car if you're that bothered about rain.

Journey Fri 08-Feb-13 13:22:01

If you were standing there with your dc crying I might have said a quick hi to you and walked on because I didn't want to make you feel awkward with your dc playing up. I don't think I would instantly think he was crying because of the rain.

My mind would also be on picking up my dc and seeing his big smile when he sees me. I wouldn't be thinking about lifts for a friend.

As has already been mentioned my car couldn't have taken your pushchair because the boot contains my own pushchair so even if I wanted to give you a lift I couldn't.

I'm guessing you don't drive. Some (not all) non drivers think everything is so easy if you have a car but the reality is you often have to move stuff about in the car to fit people in, and you also have to find another parking space when you went back to the nursery.

Your friend may have had an appointment she needed to go to.

DeWe Fri 08-Feb-13 13:23:08

But if I saw someone with a screaming child there's no way I'd assume it was because of the weather. How could she know that? I've never known a child to scream because they're afraid of the weather, I'd have been trying to stop dd2 and ds from climbing out the buggy into it. They loved a bit of weather grin.

And actually it probably wouldn't have saved you time. It'd take nearly 5 minutes to load your buggy and baby into the car, about 5 minutes to drive it, and 5 minutes to unload again (roughly). And your dc would have got wetter in the transfer from buggy to car and back again than staying under the raincover.

When I didn't drive I reckoned anything less than 20 minutes wasn't worth asking/accepting a lift for as the general rule. I certainly never resented someone not stopping.

People don't think about it generally. I used to often get people saying "oh I feel really bad, I drove past you, and didn't think I could have picked you up until too late." Never made me think that they were being mean. It was our choice not to have a car, so we didn't have the expense of a car, and we had to deal with the inconvenience of not having a car.

Paiviaso Fri 08-Feb-13 13:23:54

YABU

If your children were older and didn't need carseats, I would have said YANBU to think she might offer a ride.

But it is unreasonable to expect her to make an extra nursery run just to drive you home.

ZZZenAgain Fri 08-Feb-13 13:25:44

I don't think it would occur to many people tbh to drive you and ds home and then drive back to the nursery to pick up her ds. I really don't think you should get so upset about this. It is not as if she could fit you, your ds and his pram into her car together with her ds. If she could have, it might have crossed her mind to offer you a lift home

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 08-Feb-13 13:25:47

goodness. FWIW YABU. It would not occur to me to leave my child, take someone else home and return for my child. You could be there all afternoon shuttling folk about.

OP I think there is more to this than meets the eye.I would stop doing favours for her if I were you, it's no good getting this cross when they are not reciprocated

valiumredhead Fri 08-Feb-13 13:30:15

It's rain, you don't melt if you get wet <shrugs>

VitoCorleone Fri 08-Feb-13 13:32:07

I dont think it would crossed most peoples minds to go to the school, pick somebody and their child up, take them home then go back for their own child. She would have just wanted to get her child and get home out of the rain.

Anyway, she might not have had room in her boot, her own childs pram could have been im there.

ChristmasJubilee Fri 08-Feb-13 13:34:47

YABU. You could have asked her as she went past and she would have probably have taken you but you didn't. I doubt it even crossed her mind at the time. You could have got a taxi. You could probably get a taxi one way each day for the same cost as she has running the car. You could have waited in the nursery until it went off or picked him up later. You decided to walk in the rain. No harm done.

valiumredhead Fri 08-Feb-13 13:36:26

I try and give people lifts if I am going their way especially as I was a non driver for years a 5 min car journey is nothing if you are driving but can be a 20 min walk or the difference between hanging around for a bus etc, but it wouldn't occur to me to leave my child, take you back OP and then come back, wouldn't even cross my mind!

I've gone out of my way plenty of times to give friends lifts, because I had a car and they didn't - but it wouldn't have occurred to me to turn round, drive you home and then come back again for my own child - that is asking rather a lot, imho.

Plus, as others have said, *how was she to know that it was the hail that was scaring your child and making him cry?

Bolding fail. How was she supposed to know that it was the hail that was scaring your child and making him cry?

KnittedCharacter Fri 08-Feb-13 13:40:04

I would not expect a friend (even if i had done lots of favours for them) to offer me a lift in this situation. Her priority was picking up her ds. Like the other posts have said she may have had a full boot (possibly her own pram) and knew she wouldnt have been able to get.ur pram in too! unless u were also expecting her to empty her boot too to accomodate your wet pram! out of interest what time was it? If it was school hours or rush hours she may have already struggled in traffic to get to nursery and didnt want to have to fight traffic to drop u off then come back for her ds then make her own way home finally!!

If i was in ur friends shoes and knew what you were expecting her to do and pissed off when it didnt happen well i would be seriously pissed off and shocked by ur attitude!!!

Fakebook Fri 08-Feb-13 13:40:41

Even with the caps, you're still being unreasonable!

Everyone is reading your bloody posts, YABU.

No one is going to leave their dc in nursery to drop off another child. I used to get to nursery to pick up dd right on the dot, not a minute more or less. Why would she leave her child there for longer and possibly incur extra fees?

You think it's cheeky to ask for a favour, so that's your problem isn't it? You don't get anything if you don't ask. I certainly wouldn't get pissy about someone not offering me a lift.

Maybe this will give you a reason to learn to drive now? Because yes, not having a car is your fault.

Do YOU not read the posts?

1- if your dc is scared by hail take him inside out of the hail rather than standing outside.

2-there's a difference between you wanting a favour but not asking and your friend asking and you agreeing

3- yes absolutely it's your fault you have no car. Who else's fault would it be? Mine? The lollipop lady outside?

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 13:43:33

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

She didn't know why your child was upset. If I saw you I would do sympathetic smile and go because it's annoying when someone starts talking to you when you have an upset DC. I might have thought, I wish I could give her a lift but I only have one carseat.

It is one of my pet peeves when people get annoyed because you are not psychic. I have a 'friend' who is permanently pissed of with me because I should have KNOWN I should have done something. Screw that, ask.

FaceLikeAPickledOnion Fri 08-Feb-13 13:44:34

YABU
It's only rain and hail, get used to it. Or learn to drive.
One thing I hate about being able to drive (although I don't anymore because I can't afford to) is that non drivers expect or ask for lifts all the time, which is a novelty when you first pass your test, but it soon wears off. Also they never contribute towards fuel, mot, service, repairs, tyres, tax etc.
Call a taxi if your son was that distressed and you needed to get home.

AngelWreakinHavoc Fri 08-Feb-13 13:47:30

If the nursery wasnt shutting for another 2 hours why were you picking your dc up early in terrible weather?

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 08-Feb-13 13:47:53

Worriedmummy, why should people give you a lift? Other people pay for their cars, petrol, upkeep, driving lessons etc. Why would you get wound up when someone drove past you? Why should they ferry you around? Attitudes like yours from non drivers really make me cross

YABU & clearly shouldn't have posted in aibu if you are so certain that you were not!

You would be taking a massive liberty. As someone said, full boot? One car seat, I'd never suggest what you wanted. Phone a fucking taxi.

Also, clearly you DID expect to be repaid for your favours.

WorriedMummy73 Fri 08-Feb-13 13:52:20

Mrs Mangel - did you actually read all of my post? Or did you just read enough to get wound up with me? I actually said that I think the op IBU! I also said that while I get wound up at the time (you try standing at the bus stop for 50 mins in the bloody snow, with three crying kids and see if you don't get a tiny bit annoyed!) I do understand that I'm not entitled to a lift and that I need to learn to drive. AT no point did I say that anyone should 'ferry me around'!

LadyClariceCannockMonty Fri 08-Feb-13 13:53:01

It was only raining. Not that terrible.

But if you feel that she takes the piss with the number of favours she asks from you, cut down or stop doing them.

WorriedMummy73 Fri 08-Feb-13 13:55:48

MrsMangel - just for the record, here's the second half of my post earlier:

I need to learn to drive. This is my next project. We have a car that dp uses for work, but he'll get a little van. I'm looking into fast-pass courses. It's MY problem that I don't drive, no one elses. No one is obliged to give me a lift - I don't know where they're going, their petrol levels, etc. So, I think the issue here, op, is that you asked 'SHOULD' she have given me a lift?'. No, she shouldn't. She's another Mum, with her own child and issues. Would it have been nice? Definitely. But it didn't happen. Hey ho, move on.

Try reading the whole post before having a go at someone in future!

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 13:58:56

"Panzee Fri 08-Feb-13 13:01:18
Maybe the batteries in her crystal ball were flat."

PMSL! grin

McKayz Fri 08-Feb-13 14:00:05

YABU and very rude.

I don't drive and have to walk to school and back 3 times a day. If it is raining we put on raincoats and wellies, cover the pram with raincover and get on with it. Occasionally my Mum will ring and offer to take them if it is really bad. I don't ask though.

If you don't like it buy a car and learn to drive.

NatashaBee Fri 08-Feb-13 14:05:32

Personally I would have made the effort to offer a lift, even if it meant leaving DS at nursery. But you are being extremely rude to expect a lift. For all she knew you were standing outside under the shelter waiting to be collected!

LisasCat Fri 08-Feb-13 14:06:04

Should HAVE, would HAVE, could HAVE. I don't normally correct but when someone's this entitled I think they should at least be entitled correctly. HTH

WorriedMummy - I didn't read your post the same way that MrsMangel did - and fwiw, I think it is perfectly natural to feel a bit sad when you and your children are waiting in the snow/rain, and you see others driving past. And you weren't saying, 'I felt sad about this so they are awful people for not stopping and picking me up' - which is what the OP is saying.

WorriedMummy73 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:09:31

SDT - thanks! I've noticed I've not had a reply from MrsMangel either...

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 14:10:48

you try standing at the bus stop for 50 mins in the bloody snow, with three crying kids and see if you don't get a tiny bit annoyed

I take the attitude that anyone driving past a) wouldn't know how long you'd been there b) wouldn't have a clue about the bus timetable c) would at least expect one to turn up within 30mins of you waiting or expect you to find somewhere warmer to wait in the meantime.

All of which merely serves to prove the way in which drivers and non drivers think (rather than saying you are in the wrong for getting annoyed).

OP, just to try to explain from a drivers perspective:

A couple of years ago I was picking up my 3 year old son from a sports activity. Every month the preschool went to a nearby primary school to use their gymnastics and sports facilities.

One of these days I had just come home from some lectures at the university that I was attending. Would pick up my youngest from the sports activity at this primary, go home, cook dinner and get the kids sorted with home work, get my stuff ready, and drive into town for evening classes I was teaching. So, a busy day. I would not be back home until 10 pm.

One of the other mums asked me "where do you live?" I replied "Oh, just the street next to preschool" She exclaimed: "Great, then you can drop me off on the way" Fine.

I just about managed to fit her mahoosive pram for her baby into my car, let her baby go in my sons car-seat, so needed to adjust the seat because the straps were not tight enough, my son was 3 and in a maxi cosy. This was a faff and a fiddle, and took some time. The mum was not used to cars so just sat down to chill in the drivers seat, not much she could do. I then had to let my son sit on my older sons booster, and her dd who was in my sons preschool class sit in the middle. This meant faffing about with the mid section car seat which was not three point but across belly, and with straps that needed to be taken from elsewhere and thread through a "needle hole" in the top of the seat. This palaver took 15 minutes!

To her it was "just a drop off as you were going this way". To me it meant fiddling about with straps and car seats and seat belts, standing out in the cold, while she was listening to music in the front.

When I finally got into the car and started driving I asked her where she lived. She gave the address. The walk would just have been 10 minutes past my house, but the drive was 10 minutes for me each way. As a non - driver she did not realize that I could not drive the same way as she walked, ie the short cut across the pedestrian bridge over the river. I had to go a large distance around, down the the mainroad, into the next neighbourhood and up to hers.

She was a sahm. She said "I was having a lovely bath with bubbles and all, and I lost track of time. I had to rush to pick up Eva from the sports club, and it is not nice to walk in the cold with wet hair." angry I bit my lips.

I had catapulted my entire schedule of juggling my day job, my evening teaching, dinner and homework with my children, for a sahm and her bubble bath to get a lift home because it was "nice" for her.

To her it was just a nice ride home, to me, it was a major inconvenience. I was home an hour later than normal to save her 10 minutes walk in the cold. She could not have predicted this. As a non driver, she would have no clue about car seats, seat belts, and roads which are not passable by car. she did no realize.

OP, I think you simply do not realize what a faff it is to give other people, their children, and their wet pushchairs lifts. To you, it is just 5 minutes back and forth, but the reality is very different.

pictish Fri 08-Feb-13 14:13:50

you try standing at the bus stop for 50 mins in the bloody snow, with three crying kids and see if you don't get a tiny bit annoyed

Yeah...been there, done that, worn the fucking t-shirt, scarf and waved the flag. It's shit shit shit!

Still not anyone else's responsibility though.

WorriedMummy73 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:16:41

Pictish - at no point did I say it WAS anyone else's responsibility. I was responding to MrsMangels point that I was 'entitled' to a lift. I was saying that it is shit and you do get fed up, not that I feel it's anyone else's responsibility.

"you try standing at the bus stop for 50 mins in the bloody snow, with three crying kids and see if you don't get a tiny bit annoyed"

Pretty lousy time keeping and time management skills, if you manage to miss a bus which is so infrequent.

If you use a bus, you should know to check the schedule and be early, as the bus never waits for you! You should also know to dress if it is snowing, to avoid getting cold!

EldritchCleavage Fri 08-Feb-13 14:18:55

Well, I'm a non-driver and getting caught in bad weather with small children is not fun. It's just how life is when you don't drive, though. I don't think you can reasonably expect someone to stop short of their destination, give you a lift home then double back on themselves.

So, notwithstanding that this woman seems to have prevailed on you to do a lot for her, it wasn't rude or unreasonable or unfair that she didn't offer you a lift. But since she's annoyed you, why not start saying no to all the favour requests from now on.

WorriedMummy73 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:20:42

Wow - first of all, the bus runs every 30mins. It was a blizzard, we were asked to pick up kids early. I got to school, it was madness, collected kids. Tried to get a taxi, wasn't one to be had. Buses were running late due to snow. So, not bad time-keeping at all on my part or time-management. And we were all wrapped up as warmly as possible! If people are willing to have a go at me (when I was actually saying op WBU) please read my earlier post where I take full responsibility for me and mine before doing so. I don't feel entitled to a lift from anyone and am always very grateful when we get one. My not driving is my responsibility and no on else's.

TheSecretCervixDNCOP Fri 08-Feb-13 14:24:04

YABU. If there were indeed 2 hours left, why did you not go back inside till the storm passed?
Failing that if it was not actually option, your son was warm and dry in the pram under the raincover, why not just knuckle down and run for it (as quick as is possible of course when pushing a pram). All you'd have needed at the other end is a couple of towels.

Drivers whether you have done them favours in the past or not are not everyone's personal taxi service!

Rant over.

ZZZenAgain Fri 08-Feb-13 14:24:55

well if I was driving past a friend who lived in my direction and it was pelting down, I would stop and offer a lift if I had space in the car. I would not have thought to do so in the situation in the OP (i.e. drop OP and her dc off at home and then drive back to pick up my dc).

Floggingmolly Fri 08-Feb-13 14:25:43

Your post was perfectly clear, WorriedMummy, not an entitled phrase in it smile. Don't know why you've been held up as an example.

WorriedMummy73 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:27:48

Flogginmolly - thanks! I suspect it was my response to MrsMangel that people are taking the hump with....

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:28:16

I understand where you're all coming from with the 'she might of had stuff in the boot' she 'might of been in a rush' 'might of been lots of traffic'. I suppose I can't tell our whole relationship story on here but she's actually probably my closest freind. So I know full well she had an empty boot (DS has a tiny umbrella buggy anyway), a car full of petrol and it literally would of taken her much less than 10 minutes for a round trip.

This is in terms of driving, but I would of tried to help a fellow stressed mum out in anyway I can, and I do. It's not just drivers vs non-drivers.

If OP was appropriately dressed, I am sure she would not have minded a walk in the rain.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:29:22

I was doing shouty captials because it's annoying when so many peoples entire posts are about something that's not relevant. (ie, her son getting upset that he would be put back in nursery). That's not part of the situation so it's irritating to read a judgment based onsomething that's not even true.

As a non-driver and a parent of primary school and pre-school age children I agree with the majority op - yabu - we have walked through rain, hail, snow etc to get kids where they need to be as I have 3 children it is complex to fit us all in a car (we have a car but only dh drives) so I would never in a million years expect a lift.

I have definitely been in the op situation, crying child, harsh weather, a walk home, people blithely getting into cars all around and it can be hard; but it is certainly my own responsibility to get from a to b with my children nobody elses. I certainly do not feel sorry for myself or resentful of others in that situation (well not for long wink)

ZZZenAgain Fri 08-Feb-13 14:30:01

don't take it to heart, if it is generally a good friendship. If it is otherwise balanced and you help each other out, try and get past it.

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 14:30:25

Worried, but drivers don't think like that. Thats the problem and actually my point. They ASSUME the bus will turn up and will turn up relatively on time. Plus they don't want to go out their way driving in conditions like that as its difficult and dangerous for them, themselves.

For the record my DH sometimes gets the bus if he doesn't feel up to cycling to work and I need the car. There have been occasions where he has got very pissed off because they have been so unreliable and not shown up when they should.

But one of the reasons he get so annoyed by that, is precisely because he has it so ingrained in his head that the bus should turn up. Its almost impossible to him as a driver/cyclist that he should be so at the mercy of poor reliability on the part of someone else. Its a concept he just doesn't get.

KatoPotato Fri 08-Feb-13 14:30:25

I couldn't tell you the contents of my closest friends boot or petrol tank?

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:30:41

It was sunny all day, I had a coat on. Got to nursery and there was a sudden ridiculous hail storm followed by rain for a few hours. I don't go to work with wellies and water proofs every day.... a coat is usually enough. This is abnormal weather.

I see where you are coming from in terms of helping out a stressed mum, it has to be a bit of give and take.

Today, I am transporting 5 extra kids to somebody's party after school. I am also making another drive bringing in some stuff for another mum. BUT, my child will be dropped home here after the party, so I wont have to go out again (by bus I might add, as by then dh have the car with our other son at a different activity).

I think often you have to ask, and negotiate favours. Like this morning, I was saying Ok, I will drop off 5 kids. Can YOU drop off my son after party.

Jins Fri 08-Feb-13 14:33:23

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to have offered a lift if I'm honest but if you'd asked I might have dropped you home. Assuming I hadn't got something else on that you didn't know about.

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 14:33:26

So I know full well she had an empty boot (DS has a tiny umbrella buggy anyway), a car full of petrol and it literally would of taken her much less than 10 minutes for a round trip.

Wow so you are good at the old mind-reading yourself then. Make a career out of that and you'll be able to afford a car.

SamSmalaidh Fri 08-Feb-13 14:33:29

Well, she didn't offer - but you didn't ask.

She wasn't to know your DS was crying because of the hailstorm.

You could have gone back into nursery and waited for the hail to stop or called a taxi.

WorriedMummy73 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:33:44

Redtoothbrush - ummmmm, what's your point? I don't get what you're trying to say to me or why you're saying it? I know about buses, our service is pretty crap. I've been responding to people having a go at me when all I've done is say it's annoying waiting in the snow (which is completely true) for the bus with cold children and I've said the op WBU. Not sure what I've said to offend you.

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 14:34:21

It was sunny all day, I had a coat on. Got to nursery and there was a sudden ridiculous hail storm followed by rain for a few hours. I don't go to work with wellies and water proofs every day.... a coat is usually enough. This is abnormal weather.

Its FEBRUARY. In MANCHESTER.
Give me a break.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:34:38

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Whoknowswhocares Fri 08-Feb-13 14:35:18

Crap weather in February???? hardly abnormal!

McKayz Fri 08-Feb-13 14:36:30

RedTooth has a point. It is February and I assume you are in the UK. It rains, hails, snows etc. So I always make sure we have waterproofs as it can and does starting raining out of the blue.

valiumredhead Fri 08-Feb-13 14:36:38

It was 15 mins, then you were home and got dry OP. I can't count the number of times I have got wet on a school run that was double that!

DuchessFanny Fri 08-Feb-13 14:36:39

I don't even know what's in my car boot or tank grin

You're not being U about the weather though, i hate the way it always seems to turn ridiculous at pick up !!

@ worried i knew what you meant !

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 14:37:06

I'm trying to make the point to other people and defend you a bit worried.

VitoCorleone Fri 08-Feb-13 14:37:49

I dont even know how much petrol my DP has in his car or what he has in his boot, and he doesnt know whats in my car either.

So how do you know her boot was empty and she had a full tank?

And maybe she fills her tank and it has to last her?

WorriedMummy73 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:37:55

Duchess - thanks! More sanity on my side. I'm not quite sure what I've said to upset some people on this thread tbh. Looks like I'm out of line in some unexplained way somewhere...

Y'see that is what I don't get if you are really good friends you should be able to say to her - 'I am really struggling here [BFFname] please could I have a lift back and I will pay for petrol/make a cake/lend you my jimmy choo's?' A good friendship could cope with that and people should not be condemned for not reading the situation the way you want them to, for all your friend knew OP you could have been going on to the shops/ waiting for another friend if all she said was hello and that is all you said back. [shrug] communication is key here.

PuppyMonkey Fri 08-Feb-13 14:38:29

I've been very ill and this thread is not helping with all its would of, could of,should of arghhhhhhhh

ZZZenAgain Fri 08-Feb-13 14:38:39

well ok if you had no rain gear on and it was pouring with rain, as a good friend she might have wondered how you were going to get home. I see that.

Eggsy - you have shouted at other people on this thread about reading it properly - so maybe you could take your own advice, and answer the question that I and others have put to you.

How was she supposed to KNOW that it was the hail that was making your son cry?

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 14:47:05

when I said she said hello, it wasn't a hi. it was a you okay, what's up eggsyDS? it's very loud isn't it? Plus my DS is the chattiest toddler you've ever me. Don't think a pigeon goes by without him saying hello! So she knew he was upset! They she dashed in and out.

Floggingmolly Fri 08-Feb-13 14:47:12

so many people's entire posts are about something that's not relevant - ie. her son getting upset that he would be put back in the nursery
Actually, a lot of people's post are centred on why you didn't take your son back into the nursery until the hailstorm had passed, but you've failed to address a single one?
That would be fairly relevant to the discussion, I think.

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 14:47:31

It is more normal for the weather to be wet, miserable and generally changeable in Manchester especially in February, than it is to be sunny and nice all day.

I would EXPECT it to not stay the same all day at this time of year. Its not 'abnormal' by any stretch of the imagination.

We have a terrible attitude to the weather in this country. Despite it being normal to change we live in cloud cuckoo land and think it should stay the same all day or more generally we moan when its 'too hot', 'too wet', 'too dry', 'too cold'. We want it to be t-shirt weather all year. Well tough. This is Britain.

It never fails to amaze me how Brits refuse to put on a coat because its an 'inconvenience' to do so. Somehow common sense goes out the window and it does seems to be a uniquely British thing to do.

God, this is going to make school pick ups awkward when it pisses down. A lot of my friends walk. Who do I give a lift to? Should I alternate? Alphabetically? Order of how much I like them? Age of children? Shit, what happens if they've got more than one child? Do I have to leave the baby on the pavement?

It's a minefield!

Yakshemash Fri 08-Feb-13 14:48:26

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 14:48:54

So she knew he was upset! They she dashed in and out.

Doesn't mean to say she knew what about though does it? And it sounds like its very possible she was in a rush.

Fenton Fri 08-Feb-13 14:49:48

She was probably

a) dashing in and out so as not to get wet herself

b) wondering why the hec you would stand out in it with a crying child when you could just step back inside

McKayz Fri 08-Feb-13 14:52:03

Maybe she had to rush home to wait for a parcel, food shopping, visitor etc etc

13Iggis Fri 08-Feb-13 14:54:54

I would have given you a lift if you could've fitted in the car, wouldn't occur to me to do two trips though.
Now off to read all the follow-up posts!

skullcandy Fri 08-Feb-13 14:55:18

i drive regularly, i have 1 young child carseat in my car.

It wouldn't occur to me unless it was REALLY REALLY bad weather to offer a lift to anyone with a pushchair, not only is there the issue of where to put the child, but where to put their pushchair and all their stuff.

I will offer occasionally if i dont have both my kids in the car, and i regularly give a friend and her older kids (5 and 8) a lift, but honestly, in your scenario.. i'd have just expected you to stay inside the daycare until the weather passed.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 14:57:57

Wow, you know how much petrol you friend has, and what she keeps in her boot?

If you're that close to her, then maybe YANBU.

But I would suggest you get a hobby.

13Iggis Fri 08-Feb-13 15:00:46

First thing I did when started doing the school run on foot, was buy a big, ugly waterproof coat. Has paid for itself a million times.

Sugarice Fri 08-Feb-13 15:01:23

If you consider her your closest friend then you should mention to her that you are surprised and bit pissed off that she didn't offer you a lift and you got soaking wet.

Don't let it fester, at least you'll have got it off your chest, she what she says.

DeepRedBetty Fri 08-Feb-13 15:02:05

Been to the bakers for you all. Here you go:-

biscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuitbiscuit

Hope that's enough for everyone who wants to throw one.

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

McKayz Fri 08-Feb-13 15:03:23

13Iggis, me too. It won't win any fashion awards but I am dry.

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 15:03:33

Come to think of it, I've no idea how much petrol I've got or whats in the boot of MY OWN car at this present moment in time.

McKayz Fri 08-Feb-13 15:04:47

I think there is no petrol and probably mouldy sandwiches in the boot of DH's car. I don't drive and he works away for 2 months. So could be anything in there.

GoLadyEdith Fri 08-Feb-13 15:05:55

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Eggsy, time you get yourself a car methinks.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Fri 08-Feb-13 15:10:21

I think if you'd asked me if I could drop you home before getting my child then I probably would have done if I wasn't in a rush. If I'd had a spare car seat I'd have definitely offered you a lift. But if I'd just arrived at nursery I wouldn't have even considered offering you a lift as I'd have though well I need to get DS and we don't have an extra car seat. Dropping you off at yours before going in wouldn't even have crossed my mind unless you'd asked me... So YABU.

BartletForTeamGB Fri 08-Feb-13 15:12:11

I'm sorry but something is annoying me more than your rant at your (entirely reasonable) friend.

'she might of had stuff in the boot' she 'might of been in a rush' 'might of been lots of traffic'.

She might have had stuff in the boot. She might have been in a rush.

We only have one car. I walk everywhere unless DH has cycled to work. I wrap myself and DS up warmly. We haven't melted in the rain yet. If the weather that been particularly bad, I would have waited in nursery until the worst of it had passed. Personally, I love decent weather. I love being out in the rain then coming home to a warm house and a cuddle up on the sofa.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:12:56

Realising that is a much more personal level than can be explained on the internet. Glad to know what everyone thinks. Still haven't changed my opinion though, I think if someone bends over backwards to help you out whenever you need it, it wouldn't hurt to do them the odd favour. I think everyone's made their points in a pretty harsh way, so if you're just going to repeat what's been said for the last 8 pages, please stop!

It was not actually even a lift.

You were expecting your friend to change her plans. Not pick up her son, faff about getting your child out of the pushchair, into her car. possibly have a screaming child all the way home to your house. Stop, get buggy out, get child out, say good bye to you, and then return to nursery to pick up her own child. Late. I reckon this would easily be half an hour.

How do you know that
1. your friend would not be charged late rate for picking her child at a different time
2. your friend had not been called in to pick up her child as he was ill/vomiting/running a fever
3. your friend had waved to her child in the window so knew her dc had seen her arriving
4. Was late for an appointment
5. Was expecting a delivery at her home
6. was due elsewhere, like hairdresser/gp/hv/birthday party with her dc
7. whatever

Sugarice Fri 08-Feb-13 15:15:03

Not everyone has been harsh OP.

You're right in that this situation means a lot more to you than we could possibly know so talk to your friend and sort it out rather than random strangers on here.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:17:07

Did I say that every time it rains even a tiny bit 'I melt' or I think someone shoudl give me a lift? No. it was a one off occasion with particuarlly heavy hail and it was getting dark.

I walk everywhere, I know how to dress right. Doesn't mean I take waterproofs everywhere I go.

I didn't take DS back into nursery because he would of been upset and confused. He would of been scared he's getting left there again.

Jins Fri 08-Feb-13 15:17:27

I haven't been harsh. I think you need to know that drivers like me don't actually notice that you might like a lift. Especially if it needs a separate trip before picking up your own children.

You need to ask for favours on occasion. I assume your friend asks you for favours? Ask her back!

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 15:17:49

Still haven't changed my opinion though, I think if someone bends over backwards to help you out whenever you need it, it wouldn't hurt to do them the odd favour.

So why did you bother asking? And you STILL need to learn the difference between 'asking for favour' and 'expecting someone to mind-read'.

So if you're just going to repeat what's been said for the last 8 pages, please stop!

Perhaps you'd like to take on board what people keep repeating then... so they don't have to!

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:18:13

purequintessence god, read back please. Bored now.

Bowlersarm Fri 08-Feb-13 15:19:04

OP YANBU in hoping that she might offer you a lift, and if I saw my friend in your position I like to think I would have popped you and your DS home before my own DS had seen me - if you are really only 5 mins away. But it just may not have crossed her mind and YABU in just expecting her to do it without a discussion about it. There may have been a reason unknown to you that she just couldn't

Whoknowswhocares Fri 08-Feb-13 15:19:49

Has anyone actually agreed with you though?

Did you only want people to agree with you? Looks like it will be a long wait! perhaps, just perhaps it is not the 8 pages of us that is wrong...........it could be you

HyvaPaiva Fri 08-Feb-13 15:25:01

Okay i'm just going to be a fucking bitch from now on. I would never leave one of my friends with her child walking home in the rain!

You and your child had an unpleasant walk home in the rain. That's all that happened. You walked in nasty weather. Why the hell are you shouting at people and deciding to become a 'fucking bitch from now on' because of rain? grin

Get a hold of yourself, OP. And stop being so rude to people on here, it's a ridiculous attitude.

GoLadyEdith Fri 08-Feb-13 15:25:27

Eggsy

Listen please

It's could have, should have, might have

Not of

Several have pointed this out and you've ignored, a bit like how you've ignored the majority of the opinions here.

Your friend's not a mind reader and it really wouldn't occur to most reasonable people to leave their small child longer in nursery HAVING ARRIVED TO PICK THEM UP in order to give someone a lift AND THEN TO RETURN TO THE NURSERY.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:28:26

Huh, I never said everyone was wrong.

Hyva - i'm going to be a bitch and say to my friend she can use her own damn lunch break to give her kid his toy. Not doing something for a kid is a nasty bitchy thing. I don't see how not giving her kid his medicine/toy is different to letting mine get upset in the rain. Both are things that are preventable, by someone else. I helped her DC out,s he should help mine.

wHOKNOWS Everyone said that I shouldn't expect her to give me a lift, as I'm the one without a car OR they've said that I should of asked. So I said fine I should of asked and I think she should of offered because of background and our friendship.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:29:26

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 08-Feb-13 15:31:23

Eggsy - you are confusing issues because you are upset.

If she had not given you a lift and could have done easily, I'd agree that it would have been nice considering all the things you have done for her.

But it wasn't as easy as that because of the car seat. It simply won't have occurred to her to leave her son...she's gone to pick him up. She may well have even thought, "Oh, I'd have given Eggsy a lift if I had a spare seat" but it's not a normal train of thought to leave someone behind.

It's not the same as asking you to nip a toy across (which you didn't have to do, and don't have to in the future), it's more like asking you to go home and get a toy and then take that to him.

You might cut your nose off to spite your face here...

'she might of have had stuff in the boot' she 'might of have been in a rush' 'might of have been lots of traffic'

Just trying to help.

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 15:32:50

I don't think this is anything to do with the rain.

I do think this about a much bigger argument 'friend'...

HyvaPaiva Fri 08-Feb-13 15:33:01

I don't see how not giving her kid his medicine/toy is different to letting mine get upset in the rain

A child getting rained on is just as bad as a child not getting medicine? Are you for real? grin

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 15:33:02

with your friend*

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 15:34:19

The child didn't get rained on Hyva. The child was dry and just scared of the rain. It was only the OP who got wet. Read the posts properly! Tsk!

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:34:46

Well when she's asks me to do up to three times a week Caja! It's ridiculous, and even though my office is only a few mins away. I have to get there and back, plus get through maximum security nursery and deal with whatever task i've been given (sometimes her son won't eat dinner from the nursery workers, but will from me because he's known me since he was born. So I sometimes get called in. When my DS sees me he gets upset, so they usually have to hide him when I go in!) So it is the same time as dropping me home actually!

Whoknowswhocares Fri 08-Feb-13 15:35:11

I don't disagree that it would have been nice to offer IF she could fit you in the car along with her child. But to expect her to do so and leave her kid behind is daft. The only reason she was there in the first place was to pick him up!

You saying that you don't think everyone else is wrong, yet still insisting that you are right when we clearly have totally opposite viewpoints is nonsense

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:37:01

if the medicine is teething granuals (yes i have missed my lunch break to give him teething granuals) then yes, keeping dry is more important than medicine

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 15:38:17

Why should she have offered when she had no room?

"I really couldn´t care less!"

Well that sums up my feelings about your predicament!

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:38:53

dont comment then diddl

PuppyMonkey Fri 08-Feb-13 15:41:09

Casual forum grin

nightswimmer Fri 08-Feb-13 15:41:35

Well I completely understand Eggsy being aggrieved. I would be too. If I was her friend, I would have said, hop in the back, child on the lap, like we did in the seventies , not ideal but five minute drive, home safe and sound and out of the rain.

nightswimmer Fri 08-Feb-13 15:42:17

I realise this won't be a popular solution but it's a no brainer to me.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Fri 08-Feb-13 15:42:20

You actually did say you needed harshness, eggsy. Is it possible that you're upset about other stuff (maybe a general feeling that your friend takes the piss?) and you're trying to pin it on this one circumstance?

"I would never dream of asking! I think it's cheeky" - so deep down you think she's cheeky?

I would just say that it sounds like you have higher standards of "friend" behaviour than this woman. That doesn't mean you're right and she's wrong. Sometimes I have found myself putting myself out massively to see or help a friend despite illness or whatever as I hate to cancel, when I realise they probably wouldn't bother to do the same for me and if they knew how I was feeling they'd probably tell me not to bother! They might be more sensible for all I know. Maybe if you were still friendly but just less willing to always say "yes" to her you'd be less pissed off about things like this?

I do think it's rude and unfair of you though to get in a huff with your close friend because she didn't think to do this one thing for you. Tell her and give her the chance to avoid it next time? It's only fair. Wouldn't you be mortified if you'd accidentally upset her because your mind was on other things, and she never told you just held a grudge?

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 15:42:56

Well it´s pretty pointless isn´t it as you´re so wound up about it?

Floggingmolly Fri 08-Feb-13 15:44:18

She didn't let your DS get upset in the rain! You let your DS get upset in the rain! Your sheer persistence in the stance that your friend was in the wrong is getting quite funny now.

Whoknowswhocares Fri 08-Feb-13 15:46:15

From the small amount of detail written, it sounds like friend may well be taking the piss! Using my lunchtime to sort out someone else's child regularly would raise my hackles for sure, especially if my own child got upset when they saw me there

It's a separate issue to the lift thing though and shouldn't be addressed on a tit for tat basis

Eggsy perhaps turn mumsnet off & walk away.

You asked for harshness & got it.

There is no reason not to use correct grammar, wherever you write. It's two letters, of v have. One is correct, the other is not.

You haven't taken on board what 95% of peoe have said. This is aibu, you are, you e been told. Yet still you maintain...

Deep breath, mn is not compulsory, compelling, but not compulsory.

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Feb-13 15:47:40

Casual forum indeed!

Its deadly serious when your appalling friend is so selfish (in expecting you to say no about getting medicine, er sorry teething granules, drip, drip, drip when its inconvenient for you but you haven't got the bollocks to say the word 'no'...) and then callously spits in your face by refusing to mind read and give you a lift.

Why else would the OP be behaving in the way she is, by threatening to be a 'fucking bitch' in future if it were such a small and casual matter.

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:48:38

Thanks Elephants for the helpful post. You are right that it's stupid as she is my clsoest friend. If she thought about me a bit without having to ask it wouldn't bother me so much! I'm too shy to bring it up as she obviously sees it as a non-issue!

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Wow. You British are odd.

I'm in Ireland, I've been stuck without a car for a few weeks and people offer every day at playschool. If they see me walking on the way there they pull up and shout 'get in'. On wet days people will turn around on their way home if they see me, drive me up to the playschool and drop us home. People round here carry extra booster seats just in case they need to give a child a lift.

I've done the same countless times. If we know someone is stuck without a car we offer to grab their kids for them, give them lifts, ask them if they need stuff from the shops. I've even had a friend offer to drive me a 60 mile round trip for one of the kids appointments.

Threads like this make me appreciate the Irish community spirit so much.

Charlie01234 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:49:06

AAARRRGHHHHH - I really cant read anymore!!! PLEASE stop say 'should of', 'would of', 'could of' - its HAVE

eggsy11 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:50:21

walking away started out this thread because I was convinced anyone else would of given me a lift. obviously not and i'm too nice grin

Sugarice Fri 08-Feb-13 15:52:53

Are you going to speak to your friend about how pissed off you are that she didn't offer a lift.

"would of" was on BBC News yesterday. A HT in Teeside is going to the weird step of finally banning it used in school as he has realized it makes the locals look erm "disadvantaged" if they cannot communicate in proper written English outside their local community, and it could be a disadvantage in the job market.

Maybe he has a point. I had not thought about it until this thread.

I did not even realize that some schools allowed it!

Samu2 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:53:40

I don't drive and never expect people to give me lifts. It's nice if people offer but I never expect it or get mad when they don't offer.

I walk in the pouring rain all the darn time with five children.. it doesn't harm anyone if you have proper winter clothing.

YABU.

Bowlersarm Fri 08-Feb-13 15:58:14

I would have given you a lift eggsy but i would probably have been thinking about other things and it just might not have crossed my mind. It may not have occurred to me unless you had mentioned it, as simple as that

BeCool Fri 08-Feb-13 15:58:22

"Is it our fault we don't have a car?"
If it's anyones 'fault' then yes I guess it is yours OP. Who else is going to get a car for you?

It does sound to me like this woman treats you like an unpaid PA though (dropping her DS's teddy for your to drop of at nursery - really???) - getting you to run around after her and her family, whilst not feeling like heling you in return - I'd nip it in the bud if I were you.

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 15:59:08

"would of" is allowed in some schools?

OMG-that way madness lies!

Fenton Fri 08-Feb-13 16:01:02

I would absolutely offer a lift to a friend or even acquaintance for that matter, had I been passing them in the rain while I was driving.

But I think this was a case of a misunderstanding or miss-communication rather than an out and out 'nasty bitchy thing'.

Sometimes when you see a child wailing, and the parent is inexplicably doing nothing to stop the wailing, you suppose that the child must have been an absolute horror and the parent is dealing with it and you don't interfere.

It is possible that she simply read the situation wrongly.

If you had asked her for a lift and she had refused that would have be very unkind, but that's not what happened.

I don't think it is allowed as such - at least I bloody well hope not.

Quint I saw part of your post before clicking on the thread and thought you were going tk say a ht in Teesside had used it - was feeling ashamed of being from there. But are you saying it was allowed in formal work before then? Madness!

And I don't think it's exclusive to Teesside, I think a lot of people mishear "would've".

VenusRising Fri 08-Feb-13 16:07:18

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

EldritchCleavage Fri 08-Feb-13 16:07:18

You British are odd...Threads like this make me appreciate the Irish community spirit so much

Oh, spare me.

OP, sounds as though this incident has got to you because your friend's requests/expectations for help have been quite burdensome and having been getting to you on some level. Seriously, if you're not getting anything like from her what you put in to the friendship, it is time for a rethink. See less of her. Be less available (no way I'd get my OWN child hidden so I could pop into nursery to help someone else's. No one should ever expect that, I think). If she expects you to go over and above the norm but will happily swish past you in a driving hailstorm, step back and let her get on with things on her own.

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 16:07:22

I can get that people mishear "would´ve"

But do they therefore not know that it´s a contraction of "would have"?

Lorelailovesluke Fri 08-Feb-13 16:08:55

Have done A LOT of favours for this friend, but won't include that in the argument since I didn't do them to be paid back... but it is what is annoying me about the situation.

Do not really seem to be sticking to this do you

AvonCallingBarksdale Fri 08-Feb-13 16:09:22

Right, I'M GOING TO DO THE SHOUTY THING NOW, OP, AS YOU SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
WHY DID YOU NOT TAKE YOUR SON BACK INSIDE WHILST IT WAS HAILING?
and it's should have not *should of*

Fenton Fri 08-Feb-13 16:12:35

AVON SHE'S ALREADY SAID THAT HE WOULD HAVE BEEN UPSET AND CONFUSED AT GOING BACK IN AND WOULD THINK HE WAS BEING LEFT AGAIN.

grin

OOH I DO LIKE A GOOD SHOUTY POST

AvonCallingBarksdale Fri 08-Feb-13 16:13:32

OH, MY MISTAKE. I MUST HAVE MISSED THAT. THANK YOU, FENTON!

No I don't think so diddl. They must genuinely think it is "would of"

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Fri 08-Feb-13 16:14:09

Eggsy - I think most people would offer a lift if they have a spare car seat. I do if I only have DS but still have DD's car seat in the car. But most people wouldn't think of taking someone on an extra journey before doing the errand they were doing (ie collecting child from nursery). They might if asked but it's not your immediate thought.

VenusRising Fri 08-Feb-13 16:14:14

Elderitch, now now, er, hun, no need to be so scathing and dismissive of the Irish... wink

I've lived in Ireland, and people are friendlier and more accommodating there than in the UK: maybe because there's no class system/ obsession with Boden?

For sure, they might bitch about you mightily after the event, and throw in a few colourful swearies, but they'd give you the lift.

FeckOffCup Fri 08-Feb-13 16:14:20

I think YABU to think she should have given you a lift without you asking for it, it probably wouldn't have occurred to her that you needed one if you always walk to the nursery and home, she probably just thought you were used to walking in all weathers and your child's crying was unrelated to the weather. If she is a close friend and asks you for regular favours then do the same with her and see if they are returned but don't get all het up that someone didn't read your mind.

Charlie01234 Fri 08-Feb-13 16:16:30

As someone else said upthread, it makes my teeth itch!

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 16:16:32

So you didn't start it with an open mind willing to see if you did in fact have grounds to be cross with your friend?

you started it convinced of your reasonableness and expecting all posts to agree with you?

grin

At least you're honest.

SnowyWellies Fri 08-Feb-13 16:17:02

Bloody hell eggsy if you are leaving work to give your friend's DS his dinner or his teething stuff, then she is SERIOUSLY taking the piss and you need to stop doing that. not doing that will not make you a bitch though. That is WAY out of order.

SnowyWellies Fri 08-Feb-13 16:17:31

(I mean your friend is out of order).

Sirzy Fri 08-Feb-13 16:21:56

Quite often when I drive to pick up my son from nursery we are going somewhere else afterwards and I either don't want to be delayed or I want to get everything done as quickly as possible.

If it was a case of no car seats needed and driving past the house then it would have been nice to have been offered but to expect someone else to go out of their way completely to do it is very unreasonable.

"AVON SHE'S ALREADY SAID THAT HE WOULD HAVE BEEN UPSET AND CONFUSED AT GOING BACK IN AND WOULD THINK HE WAS BEING LEFT AGAIN.
"

Op, does your child not understand English? Would he not understand if you explained to him that you were both going to nip inside and wait for the weather to clear up?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Fri 08-Feb-13 16:23:03

I also agree with Snowy that you are doing a lot for your friend that you don't need to do. If I worked near the nursery I would go there to give my friend's child medicine if she couldn't do it and it happened only infrequently. I would not go there to feed him; nursery staff need to find a way to do this. I would not go to give him teething powders. If the medicine is a regular thing I think your friend needs to sort something out with the nursery that doesn't involve you.

SnowyWellies Fri 08-Feb-13 16:23:47

I drive, and if I saw a friend in the situation you described I would probably think 'poor thing, hope they get home quickly' as I do not carry extra car seats or boosters and would not have thought to have delayed picking up the Dcs in that situation. And I like to think I am a nice person.

But I do think your friend is walking all over you with the favours.

I agree with the issues relating to her child. Not your responsibility to go give him teething powders and food. It is for her and the nursery to sort out. You need to man up and tell her that she must ensure that the teething powders is there, and that she discuss her childs feeding with the nursery staff. It is not in her childs interest that you keep doing this as the child needs to learn to get used to the staff doing these things.

IslaValargeone Fri 08-Feb-13 16:26:44

How could you saying to him "We are going into the warm, dry, non hailing nursery until it clears up" be any more upsetting/confusing than him yelling through fear outside? confused

EldritchCleavage Fri 08-Feb-13 16:26:44

Elderitch, now now, er, hun, no need to be so scathing and dismissive of the Irish...

I think it's because I'm only half English (and a little bit Irish) that I don't do that slightly sheepish acceptance when the Irish get arsey/superior about the English. Bollocks to it.

Whoknowswhocares Fri 08-Feb-13 16:31:59

Agreed. This friendship has a giver and a taker. The balance is all off. Unless of course friend does other unspecified stuff we do not know about, then eggsy is being taken for a mug

The problem this time is eggsy has expected her friend to react the way she woukd herself, not taking into account that to offer would be extremely unusual and a bit overkill. Just not how the average person would react

The problem overall is that eggsy is doing too much, not that friend is doing too little. Understandable to be annoyed, but the solution should be that they both do the same smaller amount for each other, not that friend steps up to doing the unreasonable too!

ExBrightonBell Fri 08-Feb-13 16:35:02

Eggsy, you really do need to say no to your friend when she asks for these very involved favours. You don't have to be rude or harsh, but just say that you can't this lunchtime, and actually you don't think it's good in the long run for her dc to only respond to you. The nursery staff will have plenty of practice dealing with upset or difficult children.

Btw I don't drive and walk everywhere with my ds. I would not expect a lift in the circumstances you described. I choose not to drive, I like walking, and I wouldn't expect a friend to offer a lift. If she had I probably would have said no due to the faff of packing everything up etc, when dashing home would probably have been just as quick.

valiumredhead Fri 08-Feb-13 16:37:02

It's a casual forum not an essay

That's the one thing I do agree with the OP on!

NUFC69 Fri 08-Feb-13 16:40:14

Op, YABU.

When my son took his English GCSE many years ago he got a "D", much to my disgust and then I started looking at his homework. I was horrified to read "would of", could of", all over the place. Needless to say I put him right pretty quickly, but I couldn't believe that he had got to the age of 16 and this had never been corrected, so, yes, this does happen in schools in this country.

Losingexcessweight Fri 08-Feb-13 16:46:07

Right, i ve read through the whole thread.

Firstly - It would of been nice of her to offer a lift seen as her ds had not yet been alerted that she was there. It was obvious your child was upset, it was pissing it down, you were anxious etc, and it would of been nice of her to use her initiative to offer to give you a lift home considering she expects you to go out of your way for her.

She probaly didnt think to do two trips. YABU to expect her to use her initative and offer to help. She would of been unreasonable to refuse to do you a favour if you had asked her for the lift considering you go out of your way many times for her, even though it is very inconvienent for you.

After you mentioning what you do for her, i think shes abit of a piss taker tbh. The friendship sounds very one sided. I would stop letting her rely on you so much.

losing not you too! Have not of. FFS, in off to pedant's corner.

catinboots Fri 08-Feb-13 16:49:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 08-Feb-13 16:49:57

HEY ARE WE ALL SHOUTING NOW? I NEVER SHOUT BUT IT'S FRIDAY SO WHAT THE HELL

Fenton Fri 08-Feb-13 16:52:34

OI, CAT THAT'S A BIT HARSH.

HEY HOW COME YOU'VE GOT YOUR BOOTS BACK ON?

catinboots Fri 08-Feb-13 16:52:54

I LIKE IT. FEELS CATHARTIC.

catinboots Fri 08-Feb-13 16:53:36

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO DRESS APPROPRIATELY FOR FEBRUARY WEATHER grin

Maryz Fri 08-Feb-13 16:55:26

Just to pick up a stray comment - the reason the Irish are happy to give each other lifts isn't anything to do with us being nicer, it's that we still have the "oh chuck him in the back of the car, don't worry about a seat he'll be fine" mentality.

So in Ireland, the friend could have taken op, both kids and the pram, and chucked them out at the end of the road without fear of arrest or fear of everyone tutting at her risking a child's life by taking him in the back of a car.

Just sayin' ... (not shouting btw).

Venus... grin

I do find it odd that the majority of posters wouldn't offer a lift. Why not?

simplesusan Fri 08-Feb-13 16:58:58

YABU.
I wouldn't expect her to make 2 journeys.

Maryz.... In our defense, we're getting better in that respect. 95% of people I know use seats for under 5s and a good few do beyond that. Most have boosters on every rear seat.

But yea, there's a more relaxed attitude in general.

Jins Fri 08-Feb-13 17:02:02

I do find it odd that the majority of posters wouldn't offer a lift. Why not?

Because it wouldn't have registered as a possibility with no car seat. I don't think along the lines of doing two trips usually but I would if prompted.

AvonCallingBarksdale Fri 08-Feb-13 17:02:26

Summer, for me, it's a case of would I see Eggsy11 before I'd picked up my own child and think, "Hmm, Eggsy will have to walk in this vile weather as she doesn't drive. I know, I'll leave my own child in nursery a bit longer while I put Eggsy's DS's wet buggy in my boot, take them home and then come back and collect my own DC." No, I wouldn't think that. If I could fit them all in without faffing and had enough car seats, no doubt I would. However, I think the OP is projecting massively and probably feels unable to say no to this friend, even though she resents the, frankly, insane amount of stuff she does for said friend. Then, when said friend doesn't react in the way Eggsy wants her to, it all becomes a rather large issue. Hence the thread.

Sirzy Fri 08-Feb-13 17:08:21

I do find it odd that the majority of posters wouldn't offer a lift. Why not?

- Because it would mean going out of my way
- because it would mean doubling up on trips
- Because it would mean leaving my child at nursery for longer than I needed/wanted
-Because (dependant on age of child) it would mean adjusting straps in the car seat
-Because by the time you had faffed getting said straps right, child in seat, pram down and space made in the car for it they could have probably walked home and would be equally as wet anyway.

I am happy to give lifts normally and often do but in this situation at best I would apologise for not being able to.

Avon, totally agree with you on you last point.

I was just surprised reading through by the general consensus of 'you choose not to have s car so it's your own fault you got wet, why should she have helped'

I was also a little surprised by how few people carry s spare booster seat. What about when you need to collect a relative/friend's child in an emergency? Or if your bringing a friend round to play with child?

I've always had boosters for every seat in the back, even before I had three kids.

SnowyWellies Fri 08-Feb-13 17:12:44

My nursery charges also if the child is left there for extra time- so I am ALWAYS rushing.

If i had no car seat, it would never ever occur to me to make 2 trips and be late.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 08-Feb-13 17:13:08

I RECKON THAT WILL BE DELETED CAT

Jins Fri 08-Feb-13 17:13:14

I don't have a spare booster seat. I don't have any booster seats at all. If it was an emergency I'd borrow or possibly buy one

Sirzy Fri 08-Feb-13 17:14:50

I have a spare booster seat at home, I don't carry it with me all the time though as I am more likely to transport adults in the other seat than children and I don't have space in the boot for it (its a HBB which is mainly used when I am transporting my nephew)

comingintomyown Fri 08-Feb-13 17:20:09

Your DS would have been scared and confused at returning to nursery ? Time to change nursery then.

YABU

I store them in the footwells if the seat is needed... But then my car is a tip anyway blush

tomverlaine Fri 08-Feb-13 17:22:53

But i don't understand why you didn't just ask?? if you are such good friends it wouldn't be cheeky? And at no stage did you say to her DS is scared or rain- if you had said that then if she was a good friend she should have said would you like a lift then.. but you didn't tell her- she spoke to you long enough for you to ask her for a lift/tell her the specific issue and you didn't
But i think most people who are used to walking everywhere don't mind walking in the rain so how was she to know?
to the poster who was stuck at the busstop in the snow - i think that is different and i would expect drivers/friends to stop then as that is extreme weather and you are obviously not able to go inside.

tomverlaine Fri 08-Feb-13 17:23:55

in an emergency you can give children lifts without booster seats anyway

Sirzy Fri 08-Feb-13 17:25:52

Surely a child of nursery age needs a high backed booster anyway so the type you could store in a footwell wouldn't do. I would rather walk and get wet than use a booter cushion for DS (unless it was a proper emergency of course)

BeCool Fri 08-Feb-13 17:28:57

just for the record

I WOULD RATHER WALK IN THE HAIL/RAIN/SLEET A SHORT WAY THAN TAKE DD UNNECESSARILY IN CAR WITHOUT CAR SEAT. AND WALKING IN BUGGY HAS ALWAYS CALMED MY DC DOWN REGARDLESS OF THE WEATHER

<ahem>

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Fri 08-Feb-13 17:30:35

Given this child is still in a buggy, he's probably a bit small for a sling it in the boot style booster.

Sirzy Fri 08-Feb-13 17:31:18

Previous post should have said needs AT LEAST a high backed booster.

Pandemoniaa Fri 08-Feb-13 17:33:45

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Nursery is 3/4 right? Or is it younger... Sorry, not sure of the English system for that age group.

The legal age until which a high back seat is needed here is 4. Ds2 (almost 4) has one in our cars but I have no problem with him using a booster seat (cushion) for a short drive and he has done when getting lifts from about 2 yo.

But then as maryz already pointed out, we're a bit gung ho about the seat thing here, I'm taking it from this conversation that's not the case grin

Round here as long as they have a belt round them and it's not round their neck we're happy.

'Not the case in Britain' that should have s aid

MrsHoarder Fri 08-Feb-13 17:48:14

This wasn't an emergency, just a minor inconvience. If a bit of weather bothers you that much then invest in learning to drive/get a car. We pour a lot of our resources into that for our family's benefit, not to leave DS in the nursery for longer to around after other people.

And I drive but walk a lot, and on rainy days prefer to go out with the buggy because DS stays drier (raincover over undercover, stays on until we're out at the other end). Obviously not for miles and miles, but a 15min walk with him under the raincover and me in a good coat is preferable to wrestling him out of the buggy again, into the car (getting him soggy in the process), folding the buggy down (getting me wet too), driving for a few minutes and then reversing the process.

I'd have stoped for the lady in the snow with children who can get themselves in and out of the car though.

CountTurdula Fri 08-Feb-13 17:49:11

Be honest OP, when you got home I bet you posted a status about getting soaking wet on the way home and probably used the words 'Ho hum' 'never mind' and berated yourself for not getting a car. I'm right aren't I? Tell me I'm right. grin

YABU by the way. She probably had shit to do. You had 15 minutes to spare.

DontmindifIdo Fri 08-Feb-13 17:49:29

Yep, I wouldn't have thought to do 2 trips, if you had one of those buggies that can be turned into a car seat I would, but not drive to your house, back then take my DS. I also don't know anyone who has spare carseats in their car. We have only ever given lifts to people who have their own carseats.

OP - it wouldn't have occurred to most people. It really wouldn't.

13Iggis Fri 08-Feb-13 17:59:33

Summerrain - a cushion is not a booster seat, and is more dangerous than not using one at all (I've learned from mumsnet)

13Iggis Fri 08-Feb-13 18:02:35

Sorry, re-read and realise you may be talking about a booster seat, rather than a random cushion.

ll31 Fri 08-Feb-13 18:05:55

yabvvu... she didnt have room..

maddening Fri 08-Feb-13 18:08:28

I think if you had asked her then she would have done it.

If you had asked and then she had said no then you may have some recourse - you ask for a favour.

13... Even I'm not gung ho enough to use an actual cushion wink I was just clarifying that what I meant by booster seat was what ye seem to call a booster cushion

DSM Fri 08-Feb-13 18:25:08

I will drive to wherever you live and give you a lift home if you please stop saying 'should of'.

It's making me cringe awfully.

tallulah Fri 08-Feb-13 18:34:32

My car blew up this week so we've been walking to school. One of the other mums apologised to me yesterday because she'd driven past us. She has 3 kids so her back seat was full. I didn't even notice her drive past because we were busy looking at the different houses and chatting about what was going on.

If I'd wanted a lift I would have asked somebody for one.

Iaintdunnuffink Fri 08-Feb-13 18:39:40

Yabu it's only a 15 min walk in the rain.

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Fri 08-Feb-13 18:53:42

If I have a spare car seat in my car I would offer a lift, if I didnt, then I wouldn't.
OP you said yourself that she didnt have a spare seat. So I'm not sure why you think that she would do this.

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

biff23 Fri 08-Feb-13 19:24:33

It would not have crossed my mind to do what you expected. When you decide to collect your child, that's what you do, you don't then start thinking about what you can do for others, it just doesn't enter your head.

BabyRoger Fri 08-Feb-13 19:34:55

You should have just asked her.

You can't possibly know how much petrol she has or what's in her boot!

I would probably have asked you if you were ok and if you wanted a lift if we were close friends.

I would seriously be changing nurseries if they call you in to feed someone else's child and administer medicine!

PurpleStorm Fri 08-Feb-13 21:23:01

YABU.

Your friend can't be expected to know that you would have liked a lift if you didn't ask her.

To be honest, as a driver with only one car seat in my car, it would never have occurred to me to offer to leave DS in the nursery for at least another 20 minutes (including time to get your DS & his pushchair in and out of the car), just because a friend was standing in the nursery door with an upset DC. Especially if I didn't know that the DC was scared of the weather. I also have a small car and it's a bit of a squeeze getting DS's pushchair in the boot unless the boot is almost empty.

I do think that these favours you're doing for your friend sound like they're getting out of hand though. It's ridiculous for anyone to expect you to frequently give up your lunch break so that you can dash to the nursery to feed her son and deliver teething granules, especially if you have to hide from your son while you're doing that. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to do less of that, although I don't think you should use not getting a lift as justification for stopping the lunchtime favours IYSWIM.

somedayma Fri 08-Feb-13 23:04:12

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

KnittedCharacter Sat 09-Feb-13 18:19:19

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

eggsy11 Sat 09-Feb-13 18:35:01

If I was going to make something up, I think it would be a lot more interesting than this...hmm can't people have trivial problems they take to heart without being called a troll anymore? /rolls eyes/

thefarmersintheden Sat 09-Feb-13 19:19:45

Wow, just wasted an hour of my life reading this thread.

Obv yabu, op.

What can i say that others haven't?

Except for this bit:

btw she wasn't in a rush. pictures on facebook of them cuddled up watching cbeebies etc when they got home!)

Cough bollocks cough

MardyPants Sat 09-Feb-13 19:21:59

I will SELL my beloved limited edition 2 seater sports car, BUY a 4 seater and a child car booster seat thing, DRIVE to where you live, and drive you home EVERY DAY if you learn to use 'could have' 'should have' etc, instead of 'could OF' 'should OF'!!

In fact I'll give you the the 4 seater. Should of thought of that in the first place wink

YAB total and utter U.

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 19:23:09

You should of offered to pay for lessons as well Mardy

MortifiedAdams Sat 09-Feb-13 19:25:11

OP of there is only one thing you take from this thread please let it be learning to use have instead of of.

My eyes.

MortifiedAdams Sat 09-Feb-13 19:25:49

Haha xpost with Marsy

MortifiedAdams Sat 09-Feb-13 19:26:07

Mardy

HelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 09-Feb-13 19:35:24

Evening.

Can we all cool it with the personal attacks please? For those who don't know already, it's against the site rules to attack another poster personally. For those who do know already, <stern look>

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 19:37:15

Sorry Helen. You should of said earlier.

OP your poor planning caused this issue not your friend going about her usual business. You could have collected later, called a taxi, asked your friend.

My nursery charges daily rates but I have arranged an hourly fee with mine (I only use 9-3) as couldn't afford it otherwise. Your friend may have done the same.

Sugarice Sat 09-Feb-13 19:53:43

But have you spoken to your friend yet regarding this ?

< prepared to be ignored again by OP>

of of of of of of of of

have have have have have

Take your pick.

LouMae Sat 09-Feb-13 23:33:32

If you don't have a car, your DS had better get used to the rain, because he's going to experience a lot more of it! That's just life when you don't have a car.

Shodan Sat 09-Feb-13 23:39:49

CountTurdula Fri 08-Feb-13 17:49:11

"YABU by the way. She probably had shit to do."

Don't you mean a shit to do?

<childish snigger at wonderful aptness of name and self's pathetic joke>

Isityouorme Sun 10-Feb-13 07:18:50

I'm still triaged why it is not her fault that the OP doesn't have a car! Whose fault is it then?

<also sniggers at toilet humour>

Trills Sun 10-Feb-13 13:52:03

Good point, she may have really needed the loo.

snowtimelikethepresent Sun 10-Feb-13 13:55:37

Trills

she may of really needed the loo surely grin

ilovesooty Sun 10-Feb-13 14:45:31

If she thought about me a bit without having to ask it wouldn't bother me so much! I'm too shy to bring it up as she obviously sees it as a non-issue!

If you lack assertiveness skills that's hardly her fault.

toffeelolly Sun 10-Feb-13 15:34:16

If your ds was so upset with rain, why not ring for a taxi IF you have a phone. Nobody has to give you a lift !

pigletmania Sun 10-Feb-13 15:36:28

Yabvvvu I am saying this as a non car driver. She would have to go out of her way to give you a lft and leave her ds behind whilst taking you home. You never ever expect. If its ffered it's nice if not nevermind, a bit of rain won't melt you!

amothersplaceisinthewrong Sun 10-Feb-13 15:42:27

Get a car OP, or get used to walking in all weathers. it is not the duty of other Mothers to ferry your kids around just because there is a bit of rain. And unbelievabe that you should judge that she should HAVE been running your around rather than spending quality time with her own child.

FakePlasticLobsters Sun 10-Feb-13 15:54:08

It would have been nice for her to offer, presuming she didn't have an urgent reason to get home which you are unaware of and it was possible to leave her son a little longer.

She may not have realised why your son was screaming.

But you say that in the past she has asked you to do favours for her and you have agreed.

The difference here is that you didn't ask her and she didn't read your mind.

She may have been distracted and thought to herself later on that she could/should have offered you a lift, but if you didn't ask at the time you can't really complain that she didn't offer, especially as you say you didn't do the favours for her in expectation of her doing them back.

drivingmisspotty Sun 10-Feb-13 16:01:59

Eggsy sorry if someone has mentioned this before as I haven't read the whole thread but I think you and your friend might be having a difference where she is 'ask culture' and you are 'guess culture' see here
philosophistry.com/archives/2008/06/ask-culture-vs.html

I heard about this first on mumsnet and found it really useful as I always thought it was rude to ask for favours too but it is just another way of doing things. ..

pigletmania Sun 10-Feb-13 16:10:06

If he was really scared why dident you just phone for a taxi! My ASD dd has meltdowns ccasionally and I have had to call a taxi if I'm far rater than try and walk her home

pigletmania Sun 10-Feb-13 16:11:15

I could never have asked even if you have done her favours. Why dident you just ask her, she cannot read your mind hmm

twinklesparkles Sun 10-Feb-13 20:06:54

Why did you wait 10 mins in the rain if it was only a 15 min walk??

You couldve been home in 15 mins with a scared ds, rather than 25 mins with a scared ds hmm

I just don't understand why you didn't start walking

driving LOVING the ask v guess thing. I'm an ask, hubby was a guess until I taught him how annoying it is! It is not ok to moan about not getting something, if you did not ask for it!

Madmum24 Tue 12-Feb-13 10:40:30

I have been in the position of the OP's friend, given lifts and regretted it. Simply because living in the UK we get a lot of crap weather and it can become a pattern for walkers to get used to having lifts (IME after you've offered a few times it then becomes expected) and whilst I don't mind doing a once off and I also don't mind slinging my kids in the boot I don't want to do it every time the weather is bad.

bedmonster Tue 12-Feb-13 13:53:49

Wow, I can't believe so many of you wouldn't have offered op a lift. How bloody tight and mean spirited. The friend hadn't picked up her dc already, he would never have know his mum was there and then wasn't.
I would have and have done things like this, its what I class as being a friend.
It would have taken 15 minutes all round for the friend, op has put herself out plenty of times for the friend.

Sirzy Tue 12-Feb-13 13:59:04

Bed I assume you haven't read the thread in full then as people have given plenty of reasons why it simply wouldn't be practical.

bedmonster Tue 12-Feb-13 14:28:10

I read up to page 8, posted, then read the rest, its an epic thread!

sherazade Tue 12-Feb-13 19:55:11

The only person I would expect a lift from, had I been in the same situation as yourself (ie telepathic person would would put me before their dc, wouldn't mind being delayed for an out of the way trip, have to change their plans for me) is my mum. Because she is like that.

foreverondiet Tue 12-Feb-13 22:19:42

I probably would have offered a lift but pointed out that no car seat or offered to drop you home to get your car (if you have one). I think u to expect her to go home and leave her child. Fwiw I have 6 car seats now in my car and always offer lifts but sometimes the lift has been on the basis of say putting a 2 year old in a high back booster, rather than stage one car seat.

Seabird72 Tue 12-Feb-13 23:43:13

interested in why she could drop a teddy at your reception so you could drop it into the nursery for her child because you work nearby. Why ?

Because its not true a drip feed embellishment as no one agreed with op

socharlottet Wed 13-Feb-13 10:37:47

YABU!!
If you want a ride, buy a car

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now