To be angry with my DH?

(44 Posts)
Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 10:55:25

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and after a large unexpected expense money is quite tight this month for me and DH. We had a chat about it the other night as we have quite a lot of decorating to do and furniture to buy before our baby arrives and I'm panicking a bit.

We agreed that we would have to tighten our belts. Last night I was at the theatre with a friend. We had very cheap seats and it had been booked for ages so i couldn't back out. DH was meeting an ex colleague for a quick drink but said colleague had to catch a 7pm train. DH therefore said that as he would be home early he would buy catfood and feed our two cats for me.

I called him at 9.30 and he was out in the pub drunk. I ended up going home and feeding the Cats myself. DH rolled in at 10.30pm. I am fucking furious with him. 1) For staying out drinking when money is tight and 2) that he didn't go and feed the Cats as promised, and didn't even bother to let me know. If I hadn't called him he wouldn't have contacted me.

He avoided me totally before he left the house this morning. Now he is emailing me saying we shouldn't argue as it's "pointless". No apology and he was just "letting off steam", which is apparently "good for him". Am I unreasonable to be angry or is he the dick that I think he is?

I'm not sure I would get too pissed off with this tbh, its mildly annoying but not really a huge deal. I often go out and say I'll be an hour and end up being 3 hours, as does DH, I wouldn't let it impact on my life for any longer than it takes to make a sarcastic comment about having broken watch.

I obviously don't know your financial situation but I assume that he does and felt he could afford a few drinks.

I'm not sure it's worth being 'fucking furious' over... How much extra money did he spend? If £50, sure, but if it was only £10 or so, is it that bad?

Also I would reevaluate how much money you really need to get ready for the baby. It's nice to decorate but not essential -- the baby won't notice what anything looks like for ages. You don't need as much as everyone tells you and these days you can get most of it very cheaply on ebay, freecycle, etc.

If you really need to save money then a general 'tighten our belts' isn't specific enough, you need to really sit down and work out a budget. That will avoid these little 'you spent too much' 'no I didn't' arguments.

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:22:50

He does know our financial situation and was wholeheartedly agreeing with me that he would have to cut down on going out. He was also moaning because it's my Birthday next week and he has to buy me a present. So he obviously has his priorities in order.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 11:24:39

I think you are being a bit harsh.

You were on a night out, and his plans changed. He didn't do anything wrong by having a few more drinks than he intended to, I'm sure most of us have done that at some point.

And he's right, it is good for him to enjoy himself with friends sometimes.

How could he have contacted you when you were at the theatre and what difference would it have made anyway? Would you have left the show early to go any feed your cats? Why had you run out of cat food when the cats needed to be fed? If it was just one of those things, then forget about it.

Blackberryinoperative Fri 08-Feb-13 11:25:08

Just wait, this will seem like a drop in the ocean soon! How I chuckle at those on the verge of the abyss..... That baby will be like a bomb going off in your relationship and situations such as this will become tiny in comparison.

But maybe now he'll cut down for the rest of the month to make up for it? It just seems a bit like overreacting, without knowing any more context. If he does stuff like this all the time then it would be easier to understand why you're so upset.

amazingmumof6 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:28:57

I always try to give people the benefit of doubt, so here it is:

he should have told you that the plans have changed - bu I guess he not only lost track of time, but perhaps thought he wouldn't want to bother you on your night out? (or ring you and embarrass you while in the theatre?)

he probably avoided you because he feels guilty - and I think you are right to be cross with him for not doing the task he said he'd do. it is annoying, especially that he'd offered to do it.

I can understand your worries about the future/preparing for baby/money, but believe you me he's just as worried and probably needed to either have a chat with that person or have a little escape from thinking about it.

we all need that sort of "break", I think you will both realize soon that these spontaneous staying out events will stop when baby's born, and after wards you'll have to plan and life will be revolving about baby.

it is hard to give up the freedom to choose as you wish, so maybe he's panicking - having a baby doesn't mean you'll never go out again, bu it certainly feels that way.

on the other hand I totally understand your frustration at his irresponsible behaviour, and I think an apology is in order from him.

budget is tight as you say, but I suggest you try and agree on a set amount of money each week/month that each of you can freely spend how you wish - you do need a bit of indulgence every now and then, so it's better to calculate it in.

and about baby stuff - I know you probably want the best and newest things for him/her, but babies don't care whether they are dressed in Primark or Gucci!
I'd look into buying stuff second hand or even borrow things, cheap and cheerful and only buy a few special things.
Whatever you save this way put it towards a "Baby Found" so you'll have extra money to spend on childcare or a cleaner to help you out, or after clubs or piano lessons or tutors later on.

I hope you can forgive each other soon, there's no point in arguing, but you must communicate!
And he should take a bit more care to not upset you, it really is damaging to baby if mum is stressed!

I hope this helps

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:30:34

We really do need to decorate. We've just moved into our place recently and it all needs doing. We both earn good money and it should be no problem to buy what we need. But when someone works through almost £500 in 2 weeks then it's gets a lot harder.

We did talk about specifics. His was namely to cut down on the pub. He has been out 3 times in the past two weeks. This is in addition to going at lunchtime god knows how many times. He will have spent more than £10 each time that I am sure about.

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:37:00

And yes he does do this sort of thing a lot. He stopped once I got pregnant but it seem's that it didn't last long.

He could have sent me a text so that I knew the Cats hadn't been fed. If I had gone home assuming he had kept his word I'd have had to go back out again to buy food.

He won't cut down as he has arranged for 2 friends to visit next weekend and go drinking with him!

It's all very well that he needs to "blow off steam", but what about me? I have a father in hospital after a major op, haven't slept a full night since November, am worried about money etc. I'd love to go out and get pissed to "blow off steam" but obviously can't. were on a night out, he was on a night out....just let it lie! Being out 3 times in the last two weeks is hardly excessive.

hillyhilly Fri 08-Feb-13 11:40:21

Autumn, maybe your last post cuts to the chase, because you can't go out and get pissed to "let off steam", does that mean he shouldn't?
I don't think so, but maybe you do

Floggingmolly Fri 08-Feb-13 11:41:00

What did he spend the £500 on? I'm assuming this is the real issue, not the fact that he had a couple of extra pints?

CartedOff Fri 08-Feb-13 11:44:15

I would be very tempted to ask why it's okay to moan about "having" to buy you a birthday present when he fine with getting to spend money on lots of nights out.

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 08-Feb-13 11:47:55

Sort out your finances before you go off on mat leave.

Our money goes into a joint account which is used for household expenses/holidays etc, then we each get equal spends. That way he can fritter away his money as he sees fit.

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:48:01

Hilly - I think that he should cut down yes. He seems to not be capable of going for a few drinks, he gets stupidly drunk. I met him after he had been for a "few " after work drinks last Friday. He was so drunk that he couldn't understand where I was telling him to meet me at the station and then accused me of being pissed. He then embarrassed me the entire train journey home.

I just can't trust him where alcohol is concerned. If he say's he will be home at a certain time it's likely he won't be.

I've no idea what he has spent £500 on. Aside from 2 tins of paint then it's all gone on going to the pub or going out for lunches with colleagues from what I can gather.

But 'cut down' isn't specific enough (I mean, it should be, but clearly it isn't).

If you do a proper budget it would say that he has X pounds for socialising, if he blows through it in two weeks then tough luck.

Then you are basing your feelings on actual numbers and budgets, not a general sense of 'you're not cutting down enough', which is subjective. I mean, you aren't happy he's gone out 3 times in 2 weeks, but maybe he would ideally have gone out even more so in his mind he has cut down.

I don't want to make excuses for him being irresponsible but it sounds like you need a stronger discussion about money, it doesn't sound like you're on the same page at all.


well then this is really more of an alcohol problem than a money problem. If you can tackle the first, the second will be a lot easier.

Does he think he has a problem?

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:51:02

theoriginalbestrookie - We do this already. We had money put aside to decorate etc but due to an unexpected large expense it's now gone. On what we both have left over after bills we should be able to do what needs to be done - but not if he is spending so much in the pub.

When I'm on maternity leave money is going to be seriously tight. We have discussed so many times how he won't be able to drop £20 in the pub at lunchtime whenever he fancies it like he does currently. What worries me is that I don't feel I can trust him not to still do it.

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:52:33

No he doesn't think he has a problem. According to him all men do this.

He doesn't think his mum has an alcohol problem either though - despite the fact she lies about how much she has drunk and sneaks brandy into her drinks and thinks we don't realise.

Dannilion Fri 08-Feb-13 12:07:11

I agree with everyone else about setting a proper budget. That way he knows how much he can spend on whatever he likes and if he goes over that, then you can be 'fucking furious'/take control of his finances/whatever.

Yes, adults should be able to take responsibility for their own finances but the truth is a lot of them just can't prioritize. My parents are only in their 40's, yet my SAHDM has complete control over the finances and if my DF wants to go away for the weekend then he has to ask. If they have the money, he does. If they don't, he doesn't. My DM would never refuse him something he would enjoy just because she could not enjoy it too and he trusts her judgement 100%.

I think the cats are a red herring. It seems like you're a bit annoyed that you feel can't go out and have a good time because you are carrying the baby, and he is carrying on like nothing has changed. I get that, I'm 32 weeks pregnant myself and have definitely had a touch of the green eyed monster when DP has rolled in half cut at 2am. But this is the cross we bear as women, and you will end up suffocating him if you expect him to just stay in for the next 3 years. Especially if you were out yourself. You knew what he was like and were happy with him before you got pregnant right?

frustratedashell Fri 08-Feb-13 12:08:15

Sorry I dont mean this in a nasty way, but why are you having a child with this man when he has a drink problem?

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:12:02

No I wasn't happy. I married him (stupidly) after he swore he would change after we got married. He didn't. He swears he won't drink so much after the baby is here. How can I believe him?

He goes out for " a few" and it's a toss up as to whether he comes back when he says, or stay's out, goes out of contact, and staggers home so pissed he wouldn't know his own name. He seemed to have changed since I got pregnant.

It's the Cat's this time but who knows what it will be next time.

I used to get jealous when I was pregnant and Dh went out drinking. Waking up the next morning with no hang over and a sudden need to hoover/blast out music/cook stinky food was very theraputic though wink

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:14:40

Frustratedashell - Because I'm an idiot and now I've got myself trapped.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you have some serious issues going on here.

What do you think about getting some counseling before the baby comes? Either marital, or financial?

Whatever problems you have now, they will be a thousand times worse when the baby comes.

How long are you planning to go on ML, will you get any pay?
I know the answer is for him to shape up but I think you should look into Plan Bs, just in case.

x-post again (sorry!)

Have you ever considered leaving him? Not advising that you do so, just wondering if it really is that bad for you right now.

Dannilion Fri 08-Feb-13 12:20:58

Well if that's the case it would seem the finances aren't the real issue here then either.

You weren't happy with him before you got married, you hoped getting married would change him. You weren't happy when that didn't work and now you think having a baby will change him?

I don't mean to sound so harsh and I couldn't think of a nicer way to put it. Sorry sad

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:20:59

He would never consider counselling. He doesn't like anybody else knowing his business.

Maybe I need to get out now.

CartedOff Fri 08-Feb-13 12:21:20

If he didn't change when you got married (despite his promises) then he probably won't change when you've had a baby either. I'm just saying this because it will be hell on earth trying to deal with a newborn and someone who decides to get pissed out of their skull whenever he feels like it. It will drive you to despair when you have a baby crying for half the night or more and he feels entitled to let off steam and get wasted, leaving you to cope alone. I've been there and it is approximately 100 x more stressful when they fuck off to go to the pub and have their phones off willy nilly, thinking it's their "right".

You're not trapped. But you do need to go into this with your eyes open and not just wait around and hope that he's going to behave differently in six months time. Believe me, this sense of entitlement won't fade.

Dannilion Fri 08-Feb-13 12:22:45

ooops x-post.

CailinDana Fri 08-Feb-13 12:26:23

He's an alcoholic who can't manage money. He doesn't seem to think there's a problem so it's not going to change any time soon. You have to assume that that's how it's going to be from here on in. Are you ok with that? Or would you rather be on your own?

frustratedashell Fri 08-Feb-13 12:27:20

oh dear. well at least you can see him for what he is. Do you think an ultimatum would work? Go to AA and sort yourself out or its over?

I think you have to be realistic.

If so far he has shown that he is not capable of really changing, and if he is not willing to get the kind of help he needs to actually change, then how likely is it that he will magically change? Only you can judge.

What other kind of support do you have, family, friends?

I think I would rather have a baby on my own than with someone who can't be trusted around alcohol or money. At least on your own, you can set up lots of support and have some control over the situation. But obviously this is a huge step and would need a lot of thinking over.

How do you think he would react if you told him that if he didn't properly shape up, you would leave? Would that finally kick him into gear?

amazingmumof6 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:31:04

I agree with bohemian you need outside help.

no that you revealed more details, I realize this is way more serious than when the cats are fed!

there's no point asking why you got married/had a baby together as you knew what he was like beforehand - the important things is that you move forward together and sort things out before baby arrives!

people who have addictive tendencies are not likely to give up the addiction by themselves if they feel more stressed /pressurized, so I'm sorry, but I don't see how he will suddenly stop after the baby's born?!

In fact I worry that he'll see that as a new source of stress and will justify even more nights out to blow off steam.

you need to go to your GP/midwife, explain the situation and that you need counselling asap.
I would worry that with his temper this could turn nasty, you do not want to get to the point where you have to deal with a domestic abuse situation.

DuchessFanny Fri 08-Feb-13 12:41:03

You are furious because you panicked didn't you ?
He said he would change, didn't but has been better since you got pregnant, you've been hoping the baby would change things ....

Has it been like waiting for the other shoe to fall ?
In other words, were you waiting for him to let you down and hoping he wouldn't and now he has you are soooo angry about being in this situation ?

Been there, but not as bad as your situation and all i can say is you can't force someone to change, they have to want it .
If you say how serious this is for you he may want to change this behaviour, at the moment he is pretending it hasn't happened and hoping you'll forget about it - you won't !
Believe me, it will come up again and again and you'll resent him every time he pops out for 'a pint' ...

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:41:38

His temper? It's more likely to be exploding with rage I'm afraid.

ohfunnyhoneyface Fri 08-Feb-13 12:41:41

I think you need to reply to his email and say you want to discuss this properly later.

Then sit with bank statements and explain to him what money needs to be spent on, what you can afford, and how his spending at the moment is not allowing your saving/baby prep to happen.

Then explain that this is a 'deal breaker' situation. That you do not want to continue with the relationship whilst things are like this, you aren't giving him an ultimatum, there is no 'choice' here, he is either on board, or he isn't.

If he isn't on board, explain that you will have to look at child support, custody and access.

Give him a chance to step up given your expectations, put a time frame on it, explain that you are willing to walk away.

Autumn12 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:49:22

I've already threatened to leave and he just told me to grow up.

I've bought some new (necessary maternity) clothes and a few bits for the flat so according to him I have double standards and therefore, no right to be annoyed at him spending money on beer.

manicbmc Fri 08-Feb-13 12:50:59

Autumn, that all sounds way too familiar to me. When I got pregnant, my ex promised the drinking would only be a few at the weekend once the babies (twins) arrived. This never happened. He continued and his argument was always that this is what all his friends did.

There are many reasons why he is my ex but his drinking and throwing away money (that we could not afford, leaving the children short of things sometimes) was the main reason.

Sit him down. Tell him he is being a totally selfish arse and this is his one chance to change his attitude. If he doesn't you are going to resent him completely. And it will be a whole lot trickier to leave when you have had your baby.

manicbmc Fri 08-Feb-13 12:52:50

Oh bloody hell - the 'grow up' has just sparked off memories. I was constantly told I was unreasonable and should grow up (by him and his mother).

There is only one person needs to grow up and it is him.

Can you list the reasons why you are staying with him?

It's a good way to focus the mind.

He has a drink problem.

Once the baby comes feeding the cats will seem optional, temporarily at least, I promise you.

I'd suggest you go to mediation very soon or you'll be a single mum in no time.

ohfunnyhoneyface Fri 08-Feb-13 16:26:13

If you told him before you're not happy and that you want to leave, and you're serious, then you have to leave- this is a massive sign to you that he isn't going to change.

You stay, you'll be unhappy.

Leave, temporary unhappiness, but your best shot at long term happiness.

Have you got somewhere you can go? Or can you ask him to leave?

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