To think it's not hard to remember things?

(51 Posts)
saturdaymorningyawn Thu 07-Feb-13 22:55:56

Today I had scheduled a meeting with work where my manager and I were going to discuss hours, contracts etc for when I return from mat leave. My partners mum also had something very important happening today. After he was home for an hour I told him not to worry my meeting had been cancelled anyway. He said "oh that I'd forgotten" no apology.
I then asked him if he'd spoken to his mum. He then said he'd forgotten that too and I should have reminded him. When I pointed
out that these were both pretty important things so he should remember he went on about how busy he is and how important his work is. This all comes on the back of him forgetting our DS second lot of immunisations and other pretty important stuff. He is a fantastic father but I felt again his work took priority.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to care
enough to remember these things?

KobayashiMaru Thu 07-Feb-13 22:57:55

Sometimes it is hard to remember things, if you have a lot to think about. Of course it is possible he just doesn't care, but it doesn;t necessarily mean that.

Not sure that his level of remebering is connected to his care for you, some people are just forgetful when they're in another zone, iyswim?

wellhellobeautiful Thu 07-Feb-13 22:58:41

No YANBU. I think that is shitty and rude. There's no excuse.

wellhellobeautiful Thu 07-Feb-13 22:59:15

I take a hard line on stuff like this!

KobayashiMaru Thu 07-Feb-13 22:59:32

Of course there is. There are lots of them.

Hmmm. Is he as forgetful about his own stuff or his work stuff?

If he is genuinely forgetful then give the guy a break. If he only forgets stuff that isn't all about him then give him a kick.

NatashaBee Thu 07-Feb-13 23:03:33

Yanbu. If he can't store this stuff in his head, he needs to use a calendar.

Whoknowswhocares Thu 07-Feb-13 23:04:47

If he forgot stuff at work all the time, he couldn't function. So as he's successfully holding down his job, it's not that he can't remember things.
He doesn't see it as important enough.
Which bloody sucks! Yanbu

StuntGirl Thu 07-Feb-13 23:25:30

If he is genuinely forgetful then give the guy a break. If he only forgets stuff that isn't all about him then give him a kick.

^ This.

saturdaymorningyawn Fri 08-Feb-13 00:32:46

I got him a Filofax for Christmas and we have a calendar in the kitchen with important stuff on it precisely so he wouldn't forget things. He never forgets things to do with his work and generally things to do with himself. He just makes me feel that his career and work is so much more important than mine. I understand that his job is busy and stressful and I am very supportive of him, I'm not quite so sure he is as supportive of me though. So maybe a good kick up the backside is what he needs.

MechanicalTheatre Fri 08-Feb-13 00:42:22

My partner can be like this. He is very single-minded.

He does a big project for work once every 3 months. The deadline for it is 3 weeks away. It is basically 50% of his job.

I spoke to him today and he said "wait, it's the 7th? But that means the project is due in 3 weeks! I haven't even started it yet!"

How he can spend all day at work and not realise this project is coming up is really beyond me.

But we are talking about a man who once spent 2 hours lacing up a pair of shoes and I think that is the problem.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Fri 08-Feb-13 00:42:25

All my personal appointments go in my work Outlook marked as private, DH does the same and we share appointments eg who is collecting which child with each other.

We absolutely would forget without this. It's not unreasonable to forget, it is unreasonable not to have a system eg a reminder in his phone to call his mum - thAt he puts in, not you.

catladycourtney1 Fri 08-Feb-13 00:49:00

My DP has a memory like a sieve! I don't think he's forgotten anything really important yet (although our daughter is due in a few weeks and he's the type who would leave a baby on a bus or something!), but he forgets things I've said and that other people have said, and plans we've made and things like that, and he forgets to take his lunch to work on pretty much a daily basis, or to put his work clothes in the wash when he needs them the next day. On the other hand, I remember pretty much everything, I can recall whole conversations from years ago. He makes out like I'm some kind of savant and that he's normal, but seriously, how hard can it be to remember things that are about yourself? I mean, I couldn't give a toss about his work clothes, but it's me that ends up sorting them out for him. He's the one who has to find them at five in a morning and yet he never remembers the night before to get them sorted.

Sorry for that little rant smile. Like others have said, does he forget little things too, or things that are important to him? He might just be genuinely forgetful (or just dreadfully disorganised), but then again he might just not think that the things you mentioned are important enough to warrant remembering.

MechanicalTheatre Fri 08-Feb-13 00:56:42

Hmm catlady I'd say that your husband continues to forget his work clothes because he knows you'll remember.

catladycourtney1 Fri 08-Feb-13 01:05:44

I'd say that's probably true. I keep telling him I'm not doing it for him anymore, but he's just started a new job after being made redundant last year, and he's in his temporary/probationary period so I don't want to risk him being late or not having what he needs. I know it's his responsibility but I'm going to be relying on his keeping his job while I'm on maternity leave!

GreenLeafTea Fri 08-Feb-13 01:14:31

I'm terrible for forgetting my husbands things. He gets really annoyed because I keep forgetting his business trips. I'm just a forgetful person though.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Fri 08-Feb-13 01:28:46

I accept that some people have bad memories. I don't accept that any adult is incapable of organising themselves so that they don't forget things, by using a diary/ calendar/ post-its etc. Organising them is just enabling them

LadyWidmerpool Fri 08-Feb-13 01:36:10

Did her forget to take your DS for his immunisations or to ask you how they went? If the latter I really don't think that is something to get upset about. Nor is forgetting about your meeting IMO. But he shouldn't be expecting you to be a human calendar for his own stuff, that's unreasonable.

Some people have terrible memories and find it hard to remember to even look at a calendar or use a Filofax particularly if they find life very overwhelming or they have so much on and they are hanging on by the skin of their teeth.

Depression can sometimes make you forgetful and so can chronic ongoing tiredness. So can some disorders such as ADHD. It's pants to always be forgetful and disorganised, and sometimes it's so much more than just 'oh learn to use a diary/calender'

I am chronically forgetful, but if you lived my life you would understand why

KatieMiddleton Fri 08-Feb-13 01:52:58

You need an online calendar whatsit where you can both enter stuff and put reminders on with alarms. You could worry about this of just fix it. Unless he's a thoughtless cock in which case you have my sympathy.

My diary is full of things with a reminder the day before with alarm and a reminder an hour or two before with alarm. It is missing a few things including dh's annual leave because I forgot to put it in my calendar and he forgot to remind me blush

Do people really have Filofaxes these days? I suspect many people are like me and would have a beautiful but empty one.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Fri 08-Feb-13 01:59:21

Ghost Maybe, but set alarms on your calendar (even basic phones have this function) so that they remind you by dinging/vibrating. You only make life more overwhelming by forgetting stuff as it makes you feel even more chaotic and disorganised.

Tried that. It doesn't always work. I set my alarm for a dentist appointment once, great, all ok as the alarm was set for two hours before thinking it would prepare me ie get ready. I still forgot! Even though my phone reminded me two hours before!

I don't tend to forget the very important stuff like my dc hospital appointments but I do tend to hyper focus on those because I'm terrified of forgetting them.

Anything else is a no no. I never remind myself of my stuff because I'm not really important enough, my kids and everyone else are far more worthy.
It's the little things like remembering to bring school money in, remembering to bring book bags back, remembering the kids shit for school. I have 4dc and no partner and my eldest has autism and ADHD, my dd has irlens and other health problems and the other two are poor sleepers so I find life overwhelming. There's just no time.

I just walk round half asleep most of the time

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Fri 08-Feb-13 02:21:16

I don't see what the big deal is tbh. I'm really sorry this isn't going to be what you want to hear. You had a meeting, his Mum had something - he forgot to ask how they went. So what? confused Maybe he's knackered and has other things from work on his mind? It sounds like you deliberately waited to see if he asked how they went. Ugh. That's mean! smile Can't be doing with games - why can't you have an adult conversation when he comes home and mention your thing got cancelled during the chat. Why make it a big issue? Why go looking for an issue? We're supposed to help and support each other as partners, not search for faults. We're on the same team! Nobody is perfect and I'm sure you do plenty to bug him.

saturdaymorningyawn Fri 08-Feb-13 02:55:14

Katie your Filofax comment made me grin! Very true and I think it's probably what he thought when he opened it! I may need him to set an online diary for us.

I've calmed down a bit now. Angel parts of your comment rang true. I did wait an hour before mentioning it as I wanted to see if he did remember. Games? Maybe. Or just being plain old fed up that he doesn't seem that interested in me anymore, I don't know. I don't accept his memory is that bad as he remembers his own stuff and all his work stuff no problems.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Fri 08-Feb-13 03:04:53

I hear you. I really do! But he's a man. His focus is to provide, hence why he remembers all of his 'work stuff'. In his eyes, he's doing a wonderful job! Men do not think like us. That's why lesbians always look so happy. smile

MechanicalTheatre Fri 08-Feb-13 03:21:04

"But he's a man. His focus is to provide." "Men do not think like us."

Shit. I forgot it was the 1950s. Can someone pass me my time machine and my petticoat?

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Fri 08-Feb-13 03:27:35

It was tongue in cheek for heaven's sake.....if I give you your time machine will you stay there? I hate typing on MN - it always gets taken the wrong bloody way.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Fri 08-Feb-13 03:31:32

Although if you think about it....

Women's focus = babies (some women I hasten to add, not all)
Men's focus = providing

Maybe the 1950's wasn't so bad - certainly less divorces.....and they did have those pretty aprons and full skirts. grin

MechanicalTheatre Fri 08-Feb-13 03:32:00

I hate typing on MN. Someone always ends up crying into their cornflakes.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Fri 08-Feb-13 03:35:38

I hate typing on MN. There's always some nasty bitch lurking in the sidelines.

MechanicalTheatre Fri 08-Feb-13 03:38:30

Bloody hell, was only have a laugh. Didn't realise you were taking it seriously.

MechanicalTheatre Fri 08-Feb-13 03:39:51


AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Fri 08-Feb-13 03:42:58

Suuuuuuure you were........oh sorry - did I take YOUR comments the wrong way...? smile

Lollydaydream Fri 08-Feb-13 07:46:28

My dh is a bit like this and it's only got worse as his work has got more hectic and stressful and we both have more and more 'important' things on , whether work or child related. There's only so much we can cope with. I try to just tell him outcomes of dd health appointments, school stuff, my work and not expect him to remember in advance. If it's that significant I either need him to come to an appointment with me or take time off to small person wrangle.

CailinDana Fri 08-Feb-13 08:35:51

I'm the forgetful one in our family blush. We do have a calendar, but DH tends not to write his things into it so at least I have that excuse. But the poor bugger has to tell me about 400,000 times about the conferences he's going to etc etc. while I'll tell him in December that I have a MW appointment on the 23rd of January and on the 22nd he'll say "Good luck with the appointment tomorrow," and I'll go "oh thanks" then rush to the calendar to find out what the hell he's on about! Seriously though, he'll say on Monday "I'm in Cambridge on Wednesday so I'll be late," then on Wednesday morning he'll say "I'm late today remember" only to be met with a blank look. My refrain these days is "put it in the calendar!" although I forget to look at the calendar too so I'm not sure that would solve anything. The man has the patience of a saint.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 08-Feb-13 08:39:23

Sometimes, for some people, it is VERY hard to remember things. You sound like my mum. She thinks it's easy to remember thins, but my dad on the other hand finds it hard. They have had a very unhappy forty years together.

I was all set to say no, it's a total bugger to remember things, but if he can do it for himself he could do it for you and should at least be decently apologetic.

Emandlu Fri 08-Feb-13 08:49:42

I often forget stuff. If I forget to put it in my online calendar so all my electronic gadgets beep at me then I generally forget. I don't want to forget stuff and I feel mortified when I realise I have forgotten stuff but nevertheless it still happens.

I try to get round this by having an online calendar and by setting reminders for myself but if for some reason the reminder doesn't go off - flat battery, phone on silent etc - then the system fails. I try to remember to look at my calendar every morning and evening in the hopes things will stay in my memory.

So the things that I do remember tend to be the things most important to me, so if my dh has asked me to get something for him I am more likely to forget that than something I need to do. It isn't because I don't care for him, it's just that I don't remember. However I do apologise profusely if I let someone down due to my forgetfulness.

TheCatAndTheFiddle Fri 08-Feb-13 09:33:55

I started a thread recently about something similar after my DH forgot two very important hospital appointments I had. I was upset after he forgot the first one but he still forgot the second one sad I think it is about expectations - because I remember things about his life, both mundane and important, I expect him to be able to remember things about mine. He doesn't, and that failure to meet expectation is what is upsetting. He is a single minded person in a highly stressful job which consumes him entirely for at least 10 hours a day.

I will admit that in the context of other aspects of our relationship, it did hurt and has made me reevaluate things (a process which has been going on for a while) but if everything else in your relationship is happy, just explain to him about how it made you feel (that you were not important to him) and then move on.

saturdaymorningyawn Fri 08-Feb-13 10:29:22

Thecat you're so right it's my expectations as I always remember but as you all sayremembering isn't so easy for everyone!
Angel I agree that he is consumed by work and a lot of that has to do with him feeling like he's providing. I have a sneaky suspicion that if I were to ask him he'd say I am consumed by our DS! So a talk after work tonight it is.

HollaAtMeBaby Fri 08-Feb-13 19:33:06

He just needs to set up an online calendar (synced to his phone) and put EVERYTHING in that. I use mine for practical reminders to post letters and things like that, but also put in things like friend's hospital appointments, birthdays and exams so that I can text them on the day. I do this because I care about these people and want to show them that they matter to me. It's really not difficult.

TheMidnightHour Fri 08-Feb-13 23:01:04

My DP is crap at remembering stuff, and it makes me cross. But we've figured out a couple things (1) he's better at remembering stuff he's responsible for (2) his default setting is 'that's not my problem' (seriously, the guy has an SEP (someone else's problem) field the size of a planet) whereas mine is 'if I don't do it, no one will'. So you can imagine how that went until we figured it out in a row or three.

Anyway, the point I was trying to illustrate is that there may be something blocking him remembering stuff you find important - and it could be that he thinks he's filed that information in your head, and now doesn't feel he needs to. The reason might be crap, but easier to tackle a problem with a name, wot?

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Sat 09-Feb-13 01:18:39

Good on you Saturday! I hope you got/get it resolved for yourself. My very smart Mum gave me that advice about men. Men prioritise differently. They are wired TOTALLY differently to us. They've been married 44 years this year. Happiest couple I know. All the best to you. smile

DoJo Sat 09-Feb-13 03:10:06

Perhaps he assumes that if anything important arises you'll tell him without waiting to be asked? I have to say, I do agree that it's a little PA to try to trip him up, especially when it's perfectly possible that it would have shuffled to the front of his mind eventually, but if you want to share before he gets there then just do it.

Astelia Sat 09-Feb-13 04:00:59

You need a system so you both know what is going on. DH does need to want to know what is happening for this to work. Isn't he interested in what everyone is doing each day?

We have a monthly calendar with everything written on and each Sunday I write a list for the coming week for the kitchen wall. Every morning DH and I check in for two mins what is happening that day and what each of us needs to achieve.

Alligatorpie Sat 09-Feb-13 04:38:35

My husband forgets things all the time, he doesn't use a calendar despite me buying them over the years.

I no longer take responsibility for things he forgets. But it still pisses me off.

MerryCouthyMows Sat 09-Feb-13 09:31:47

I have a Filofax. It was given to me by a wonderful MN'er during the Christmas present thing.

It is the best thing I've ever had - it has become my bible! With multiple medical appointments for 4/5 of my family to remember, letters to write, forms to fill in, school stuff and access arrangements, I have so much to remember I'd be list without it.

I have memory problems due to epilepsy and the medication for it.

I have a system. I have a desk calendar with EVERYTHING on it. I have my Filofax with EVERYTHING in it, in my bag so that I don't double book appointments.

I have a wall calendar with everything on it for school in the hallway, including clubs and kits needed and dress up days etc.

He needs to care enough to find a system - it's not your job to organise another adult. If he manages to remember his own stuff, he can manage to remember everything else!

MerryCouthyMows Sat 09-Feb-13 09:34:29

Ghostsgowhoo - I have multiple DC's with multiple issues. I used to be like you, forgetting everything, as it IS overwhelming.

Seriously, a desk calendar, a Filofax, a walk calendar AND reminders on your phone, and you CAN improve. If you had told me that a year ago, I would have laughed, mind you!

I feel so much more in control now that I'm not missing things!

Merry I know you're right, it's just getting started. I procrastinate too much.

I tell what did used to help. My old phone used to have an option where you could write notes on the home screen so that every time you looked at your phone you could see the notes.not found a phone since that could do that.

Wall planner sounds good too

MerryCouthyMows Sat 09-Feb-13 13:56:44

I get a big academic year one each year.

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