I don't know anymore to be honest - dh related of courese

(31 Posts)
meganfebruary Thu 07-Feb-13 13:31:24

Name changer here.

I am in my mid forties and live with my dh and our 15 year old dd. Dp and I both work full time. My job is the set hours one - I leave the house at 7 am and am home by 5 pm. Dp, who is a contractor, usually leaves for work around 8 30 - 9 am depending on where he working. At the moment he has a steady job, so leaves the house at around 8 30 am and is back by around 6 30 pm.

I feel as though I do everything in the house, apart from the cooking which dp shares. I do the washing, the majority of the food shopping, the house cleaning (we have a cleaner who comes every week but I do the day to stuff such as clearing up the breakfast things, putting the washing away, tidying the living room before bed etc); the gardening. I have just got a gardener in to do some work, which dp is annoyed about. He said he would do the work if I paid him the same money I paid to the gardener. He laughed when I said you don't get paid to look after your own home and garden. He has mowed the lawn twice in the 12 years we have lived here.

Dp is very good at looking busy. He sits on his lap top (his work is IT related) for most of the evening when he is home. When I ask him to do anything - such as today - changing the cat flap battery - he says he will do it "later". He then says he "will do it in my timescale not yours". I know this means never most of the time.

There are times in the evening when I come home from work, load the dish washer, load the washing machine, clear the kitchen, and start cooking and dp comes in an hour later and sits straight down and fiddles on his lap top. He will very occasionally load the dish washer. He will not unload it.

He doesn't always outright refuse; he says he is busy and then turns it on me by saying I am trying to get him to do stuff that can wait straight away. He put a load of his clothes in the washing machine in August (dd and I had been away). Two days later they were still in there.

I think he genuinely sees chores as being below him.

The ironic thing is he hardly earns any more than me, yet if I am to believe he is working on his laptop, he is certainly paid less than me by the hour.

He has always been like this. I have enabled it by firstly working part time for the first years of dd's life so I did have more time at home and secondly by just doing stuff.

I have had enough. He is teaching dd that it is okay to opt out of household chores. I do not know what to do. We had a huge row about this a few weeks ago, nothing is resolved.

No-one knows that this is the situation. I come across as a a strong woman who doesn't put up with rubbish like this.

Is there any hope in him changing? What do I need to do to help this?

DeepRedBetty Thu 07-Feb-13 13:35:05

yanbu. I could write a flippant answer, suggesting you just stop doing his things for him - leave his smelly washing, leave his mugs/plates to fester...

Do you think dd is learning to opt out of household chores?

meganfebruary Thu 07-Feb-13 13:36:58

Yes, dd is definitely opting out of household chores. She does very little. I have to shout sometimes before she will hang her wet bath towel up.

Callisto Thu 07-Feb-13 13:39:15

Don't do anything for him - no washing, cooking etc. You are still enabling him to an extent by just doing stuff but I realise that it is very difficult to not do stuff if you don't want to live in a tip.

Beyond that? He sounds like a piss-taking lazy arse and I honestly don't know how you've put up with it for so long. I would have dumped him a long time ago. sad

deleted203 Thu 07-Feb-13 13:39:30

Oh heck. I don't know how you change it, TBH. I would suggest sitting down with him and making a list of the chores that need doing regularly, ie cooking, cleaning, dishwasher, laundry and saying that as you work full time as well that you want to divide these up so that each of you takes responsibility for some of them. I suspect, though, that he will simply get huffy and refuse to do this as he's not 'being ordered about by you'. Does DD do anything? At 15 she should also be helping out - I would think she should be doing the loading/unloading of dishwasher and at least some hoovering/keeping her room tidy. A lot of the jobs you list at the beginning of your OP, such as clearing up the breakfast things and putting washing away could be 'farmed out' to DD, actually. I would certainly be expecting him to do a lot more than he does.

Callisto Thu 07-Feb-13 13:41:58

I think it would be rather unfair to start training your DD to skivvy for her father as well. It sounds awful OP, sorry.

Nanny0gg Thu 07-Feb-13 13:44:03

And I would be sitting down with DD and (nicely) explaining that you work full time, which provides x,y,z in your lives and is therefore necessary.
There are 3 people living in the house and you don't have the time or energy to be a full-time housekeeper on top of your other job.
Therefore if DD expects clean clothes (new clothes?), food on the table on clean plates and a bathroom that isn't a health hazard and whatever else you provide her with, then she'd better buck her ideas up and help or they are going to be withdrawn one-by-one till she gets the message.
Same fr your 'D' H.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Feb-13 13:45:55

Learning to opt out of chores is the less damaging lesson she's learning.

You are also teaching her that women are skivvies who serve men.

thebody Thu 07-Feb-13 13:51:52

Sit down the 3 of you and say things have to change as you feel you are doing too much.

If no joy then say oh well there will be less cash in the pot ghen because the cleaner is coming 3 times a week and the Gardner every week.

Pay for an ironing service as well.

If they won't help then outsource. If they see how much it costs to do this and there's less cash for them to spend they might help.

If they don't then its money well spent isn't it.

DeepRedBetty Thu 07-Feb-13 14:14:29

Sorry had to deal with a bit of RL there... I like thebody's suggestion.

BTW I also have a teenager who appears not to have grasped that hanging your towel up after your shower is the most realistic method of ensuring you have a dry towel available next time, and that clean dry clothes are not magically produced by the laundry fairy...

maddening Thu 07-Feb-13 14:22:42

Any chance you could get a place just for you for a couple of months and let them get on with it? Oh and cancel the cleaner before you go? I think 2 months is definitely enough for them to get fed up of living in their own filth

Callisto Thu 07-Feb-13 16:47:34

You see I would really bloody resent paying for a cleaner out of my hard earned money because the rest of the family refused to help.

I think Maddening has it. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it will be a huge shock to the system for Mr and Miss Entitled. Would be a gutsy move though.

Locked cupboard with clean dishes, just for you. Only do your washing. Buy and cook food that you like and they hate. Realistically, someone has to clean so hire a cleaner, with DD's pocket money and household money that is half DH's.

That would be my response to your DH. I can deal with my DH's sometimes slightly lazy, sometimes slightly avoidant housework behaviour. Because, if I ask him to do something, he does it. Also, he does a ton without being asked because he is not a cock.

Your DH on the other hand sounds entitled and smug. That would make my blood boil.

The grown up thing to do is talk to him about how it makes you feel, about what it is teaching your DD, about how adults support each other...

I had this years ago with my DH.
I turned on the tears, woooaaa is me etc....
I can't cope anymore - it's just too much for me.
Wrote a list of all the things I did and we sat down and shared the chores on the list. It lasted very well.
Think I'll be doing this with new OH soon!
Good luck!

sooperdooper Thu 07-Feb-13 17:00:55

Pay him to do his own gardening, LOL is he for real?? Tell him you want paying for everything you do

Stop making him dinner, stop washing his clothes, do your own things and leave him to it

CailinDana Thu 07-Feb-13 17:01:56

A 15 year old should be treated like a housemate IMO - she should be doing at least one meal a week, her own washing, and be on a rota for cleaning communal areas.

As for your husband, if you've brought it up already and he refuses to do his share then that would basically kill any respect I had for him and I would consider leaving. If that's a step too far for you then I would follow everyone else's advice - don't do any chores for him.

sooperdooper Thu 07-Feb-13 17:05:41

And if he asks you where his dinner/clean clothes/clean dishes are, tell them you'll do it, 'in your time scale and not his'

LiveItUp Thu 07-Feb-13 17:08:42

So what does he bring to the marriage/family life? confused

I'd find a way to go on a business trip for a fortnight, or take a couple of weeks holiday on your own and leave them to it. If the house is a tip when you come back, turn on your heel and go away for another couple of nights.

YADNBU

simplesusan Thu 07-Feb-13 17:09:17

This is awful for you op.
Can you go away for the weekend or a week to relax with friends?
Leave your dp to do the chores?
I also think it is more your dp who is at fault than your dd, why should she do his work in effect?

I had it out with my dh, he was constantly moaning about the state of the house yet I was the one donig the vast majority of chores.
When we spoke about it and I pointed out everthing that I did, he was genuinely shocked.
I told him straight that I wasn't prepared to do anymore than what I already do. That left 2 options:
1) he did more
2) he trained the kids to do more.
It is still not perfect but a whole lot better than previously.

Also if you are paying for help then make sure it isn't coming out of your sole account.

Katisha Thu 07-Feb-13 17:26:38

I think the fact that he thinks he should get paid for doing it says a lot doesnt it. Yes - he does think it's all beneath him - but somehow he thinks it's not beneath you.

Kiwiinkits Thu 07-Feb-13 21:51:47

I agree with the other posters who say its time to go away on a holiday, by yourself, and let them get on with it. 10 days to 2 weeks ought to do it.

Also, ask him what he thinks he should do to get his DD doing more around the house. Don't make it your parenting problem; it is his too. If he suggests a rota, tell him that's a great idea, you'll be in support and that you're looking forward to seeing what he comes up with.

foreverondiet Thu 07-Feb-13 22:28:44

Stop doing anything for either of them..... Order food online but only cook for yourself and own laundry... Def don't pick towel f floor.... And then when they get annoyed introduce rota for chores.

LineRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 22:31:41

He said he would do the work if I paid him the same money I paid to the gardener.

Just that ^^ alone is really shit.

Boomerwang Thu 07-Feb-13 22:52:50

It sounds like a shock is needed. I agree with those saying you ought to book yourself a short holiday somewhere without them and see how they get on. Mind you, if it's too short you'll come back to a mess that they know you'll clean up.

While you're at it, steal the power cable for his laptop. He does not need to work from home.

MrsKeithRichards Thu 07-Feb-13 23:02:32

I think them both doing nothing is preferable to you dd stuff whilst he lords it up over both of you.

Why the hell are you waiting on them hand and foot. Stop it!

JoyceDivision Thu 07-Feb-13 23:17:01

I always like the joke where the dh comes home to the house turned upside down and asks 'what happened?' and the dw says 'You know when you ask me what it is I do all day? Well today I didn't do it'

Why not just stop the tasks? Cook for yourself (and obv DD if DD isn't needing to be pulled up about contributing) Do the washing and ironing for your clothes, don't clean up / tidy up / put stuff away / turn off lights when they're left on etc, arrange your own appointments, repeat pescriptions, own car insurance, if you can grit your teeth and stick it out, it may have some effect!

mercury7 Fri 08-Feb-13 01:27:32

my ex husband once admitted that he felt housework was beneath him.
He told me that he'd sometimes think perhaps he should do some, but then he'd think 'nah, it's women's work'

Snazzynewyear Fri 08-Feb-13 01:45:12

For the next few nights, go straight out from work. Meet a friend, see a film, eat a pub meal, whatever. Just leave them to it - send a text to say you've been held up at work if you feel you ought. But don't come back and do all the chores. This will mean putting up with some mess in the meantime but grit your teeth and do it. Your husband in particular is clearly not going to believe you will ever stop picking up the slack until it actually happens.

Apileofballyhoo Fri 08-Feb-13 10:14:00

I am a SAHM. My husband is doing a full time college course, working part time and has a medical condition that makes him very tired. He still manages to do a small bit around the house and tries to let me get a sleep in at the weekend. He always thanks me for clean clothes and meals and I've never cut the grass. He can't/won't cook so is not perfect but he does his best. YANBU at all. Stop doing it.
When I was DD's age I was doing my own laundry and loading and unloading the dishwasher. I was able to cook a few meals but I am ashamed looking back I didn't do more to help my mother as she worked full time. You are not a servant. There isn't even a traditional man/woman divide as your DH isn't doing the garden/car - my father would have taken responsibility for the garden, the cars and household repairs and I still think he could have done more.
Drastic measures are called for. Do you think your DH loves you? I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful, it's a genuine question. Because you deserve to be treated with respect in your own home. I wish you well with sorting it all out.

Downandoutnumbered Fri 08-Feb-13 11:24:45

OP, why are you with him? He sounds a real catch. I agree with all those who say you should go away for a couple of weeks (or longer if that's what it takes) and leave him and your DD to it. And in your shoes I really would be thinking about whether this was a relationship I wanted to be in long-term. As someone said above, you are setting your DD an appalling example of how relationships work: she'll expect to be a skivvy if she marries or lives with a man.

Incidentally, I work FT and DH is a SAHD (although our DS is only 2 and very demanding). I do far more than your DH does. Not because I'm a saint but because that's what normal, respectful people do for their partners.

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