To think MILs should start a support group

(73 Posts)
atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 12:36:38

Some of the poor things can't do right for doing wrong.

If they stand back and give the mum space they're 'ignoring their DGC'.
If they get involved they're 'trying to take over'.

If they buy a present it's 'too expensive', 'too cheap', 'inappropriate', 'more clutter'.
If they don't buy a present they're 'mean', 'uncaring', 'totally disinterested'.

If they offer to help around the house they're 'interfering'.
If they don't offer to help they're 'in the way'.

Jeeze, who'd be a MIL?

kinkyfuckery Thu 07-Feb-13 12:37:27

Whilst I'm looking forward to hopefully having grandchildren in the future, I'm dreading being a MIL

thegreylady Thu 07-Feb-13 12:39:30

Well I like being a MIL but will gladly join a support group.My DIL is Turkish and there are cultural eggshells to walk on sometimes smile but I love her dearly.
My two step dils are lovely and I consider them friends.

thegreylady Thu 07-Feb-13 12:40:37

To add I am also MIL to a delightful bloke smile We have SILs as well as DILs.

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 12:43:07

Maybe the should have 'Grandmumsnet'.

"I popped into my DILS yesterday on my way home from the shops, just to say hello to DGC. My DS has now rung me and said DIL is very upset as I didn't ring first and book an appointment.
AIBU to feel hurt and sad?"

LtEveDallas Thu 07-Feb-13 12:45:14

Whats the difference to Grandmumsnet (that doesn't exist) and Gransnet (that does) confused

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 12:45:54

I agree. I know some MILs are mad cowbags, but if MN is honestly some DILs do seem to go out of their way to find things to get arsey about. They expect MILs to be psychic as well.

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 12:46:16

sorry - if MN is anything to go by

Softlysoftly Thu 07-Feb-13 12:51:22

My mum always said she was happy to have 4 girls as son in laws are easier. She also made sure we all made good daughter in laws <<shines halo>>.

I always thought she was a bit silly about it but seeing mn, hearing my friends talk and personal experience of my bils new bat shit wife has made me reconsider.

I am now glad to have 2 girls grin so YANBU

forgetmenots Thu 07-Feb-13 12:52:54

If they are MILs who can genuinely say with their hands on heart that they have always been respectful of their child and their partner, I'm all for it. I think people are too quick to judge MILs in general and I would love it if the kinds of things you describe were the kind of thing that upset me about MIL - it would be bloody normal.

If though it's a space for abusive mares like my MIL to cry crocodile tears whilst continuing to be an abuser, then count me out! I do get a bit prickly when well-meaning people talk about MIL or grandparent rights, there are some who are cut out for their families lives for very, very good reasons.

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 13:02:42

I do understand that forget. I just feel sorry for the MILs who are the subjects of some of the complaints on here from DILs who sound totally precious and up themselves. I picture these poor women having to constantly walk on egg shells to avoid saying or doing something that will upset these prima donnas.

boschy Thu 07-Feb-13 13:04:28

16 years ago I would have agreed with you OP. HOWEVER, perhaps PIL could remember that treating the DGC of one of their children better than the DGC of their other child is more than likely to cause some form of resentment/detachment. You makes your bed and you lies in it...

forgetmenots Thu 07-Feb-13 13:22:44

Definitely agree with that atthewelles, hope we all think what it's like to be an MIL before making judgements like that. Have to say my own bad MIL experience has made me almost overly critical of my own DM when she's with SIL. Luckily they get on great (both sane and lovely people) but after being on MN it is a worry!

Mytimewillcome Thu 07-Feb-13 13:33:13

I don't think they need a support group. Most have their husbands and sons as their cheerleaders. I think that is enough support. You obviously haven't been in a bad situation. There are alot that have and sometimes the only support we get is here.

PleasePudding Thu 07-Feb-13 13:36:28

I'm sure it's tough being a MIL sometimes. I think it is probably the toughest formalised relationship going.

However I think YABU because some MILs are nightmares and manipulative pains in the arse and whenever anyone comes on here to rant about question their MILs behaviour there is always at least 50% of posters who tell them to suck it up and it's the grandparents job to spoil children. So they're already very well represented. Why, why, why is it the grandparents job to spoil children - I just don't get it. <weeps>.

purrpurr Thu 07-Feb-13 13:41:09

I think we should get rid of the acronym 'MIL'. It seems instantly synonymous with an interfering old cow bag.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 13:42:27

atthewelles I'm a DIL and I really love my MIL, so have hope! She drives me bonkers sometimes - but she is not malicious so what is there to get upset about? We're a pretty chilled out couple so I'm sure that helps.

The ONLY thing that really annoys me is people visiting without calling to say, 'Hey, I was going to pop round.' My MIL does that sometimes and it does get on my nerves. You don't need to make an appointment - don't be so dramatic - but courtesy is appreciated. I could be, you know, flicking the bean or something! I don't rock up unannounced, so please don't do it to me. Just give me some warning! wink

Whocansay Thu 07-Feb-13 13:44:50

I'm a MIL in waiting. I'm dreading it. I simply don't understand some of the threads about MILs "oh, she lets herself into my house when I'm at work and does all my washing and cleaning AND THEN she has the cheek to want to look after my children!".

I would rip my arm off for a MIL who's that helpful. Grrr.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 07-Feb-13 13:48:09

I only have a son, who's 17 and has his first serious girlfriend.
I dread being a MIL, if threads on here are anything to go by.
As you said so succinctly Op, they can't do right for doing wrong.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 13:49:22

Whocansay If my MIL let herself into our home to do the washing and cleaning it would be insulting to say the least! To me that is not helpful - that's being a busy body.

MyDarlingClementine Thu 07-Feb-13 13:55:44

In the more serious anguished posts, MILS have the same traits in common, usually being over bearing, undermining and dominate thier sons and usually have a weak husband in tow.

The DILS in these cases have a heart and can't cope with living a half life anymore where they feel trampled upon simply for marrying a man with a mother like this.

I think YAnBU and a MIL support group should be set up - however I am sure most of them that joined banish images of the conference of WITCHES in the film The Witches taking off thier face masks and wigs and shoes would the not be the worst ones, because its the worst ones who are ridgid and wont listens to anyone elses opinion.

MyDarlingClementine Thu 07-Feb-13 13:57:46

Angel - if my DM let herself into my home to clean, she would be doing it with the right and kindest intentions of helping a busy mum with her hands full.

If my MIL let herself in, it would be because I can't clean a house to a satisfactory standard like she can, because I am a lesser being who, needs alot of help.

RandallPinkFloyd Thu 07-Feb-13 13:59:40

Not unless you're going to start a DIL support group too.

MIL's aren't one homogenous mass of reasonableness. Neither are DIL's. They're just people.

It's massively unfair to make one side always right and one side always wrong.

Every single situation is different. If you cant view something objectively it isn't remotely helpful to either side to comment.

This is Mumsnet therefore you are likely to get more DIL's perspectives. If you go to Gransnet you'll likely get more MIL's perspectives.

Plus you're only ever going to see threads on here about families that don't get along. It not representative of the majority of families because its highly unlikely a poster will start a thread on here to sound off against their lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL.

EndoplasmicReticulum Thu 07-Feb-13 14:01:27

I'm probably going to be one (have two boys).

I'm making a list of things I am not going to do, when it happens.

I'm not going to invite myself on holiday with my sons and DILs.
Neither am I going to invite extra guests to their very small weddings without asking.
And when they get home from hospital with their first baby, having spent a week in SCBU, I am not going to arrive for a week's visit that very day and sit on their sofa expecting cups of tea and all meals provided.

I reckon that will help.

My own mother does the interfering thing - she doesn't let herself into the house but she does come and weed my garden. I don't mind this - it's like being visited by the gardening fairies.

CailinDana Thu 07-Feb-13 14:04:59

YANBU. I don't know how my MIL puts up with me sometimes, she's a bloody saint. I have a fraught history with my own family and as a result I am very very prickly about anything I perceive as criticism or interfering. It's totally my own problem but I do take it out on MIL without really meaning to. I'm trying my best not to be like that though.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 14:05:57

Clementine haha so true! My MIL is really nice though. There's no way she would do that but I know others that would. I had a lucky escape from an exes mother who would have been a HORROR! Bitter old.....

My Mum reads Gransnet and she loves it. My sister is a royal PITA. Gransnet and me keep my Mum sane.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 14:07:56

Endoplasmic Your Mum does your weeding? How lovely is that! Aw. Pretty thoughtful Mum.

neriberi Thu 07-Feb-13 14:12:57

I've read some horrific MIL stories on here and count myself lucky because my MIL is amazing, we might not always see eye to eye but I'm fortunate enough to have a MIL who respects my wishes as a parent and rarely interferes and for that I am eternally grateful!

Loa Thu 07-Feb-13 14:13:49

My MIL made one of the most tiring and stressful time of my life so much worse be being more selfish unthinking and inconsiderate than usual.

I don't think my MIL needed more support - support she was getting was making her behaviour so much worse - FIL, their friends. Took a while but I think the support finally got fed up at all the bitching about me and once that stopped MIL calmed down and we found we could both move forward.

IN RL I've seen some great relationships between MIL and DIL - trick seems to be mutual respect, consideration and communication and acceptance they don’t get to choose each other or being lucky they like each other.

Some of the worst - like mine for a long time - happen because MIL tries very hard to push DIL out of family and/or blame DIL for all decisions she dislike even if DS has played huge part in them. Though it works other way as well - DIL blaming IL for issue which is caused by DH.

I think the solution is to talk to your DIL, and listen to your DIL, and accept that she is not you and is different to you, and respect that.

If you're going to be a stroppy MIL who gets all arsey about being asked to phone and arrange a time to visit rather than showing up unannounced, or conversely gets all arsey about being asked to just pop around and not faff around with arrangements - well you're going to have difficulties. But you could choose to find out what your DIL likes and do that. And you could tell her that when she visits you, you'd prefer pre-arranged/just-turn-up, and then she can do that.

There are an awful lot of prima donna MILs out there, lets face it. I mean in your example, what your hypothetical MIL would really be asking is aibu to feel hurt and sad because my DIL does things differently to me?

DeWe Thu 07-Feb-13 14:33:18

The problem is what you often see here is the last straw. You don't see the 77 previous times when they have done similar.

So sometimes you see the dil being OTT about what seems like a piddly little comment, and what you haven't seen is that the mil has gone on and on and on about a previous similar thing 10 years previously.

What can be ignorable the first time, pass-overable the 2-76th time may suddenly become unbearable on the 77th time, despite it being more mild than most of the previous.

I get on okay with my MIL. However there are certain things that she says/does that reduce me to tears after she's gone. If one day I turn round and pull her up on it, I'm sure she will be genuinely surprised and not think she's done anything wrong, but these things niggle, and hurt, and she doesn't leave go.

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 14:34:20

I'm not talking about the threads about horrific MILs. I'm talking about threads where someone comes on and complains about something like, for instance, their MIL bringing their GC to the park and it's not faaaair, because I wanted to be the first person to ever bring her to the park. And then a load of other posters come on and say 'oh, she sounds like a controlling cow'. 'Oh, my MIL is like that. Pushy and always taking over' and I'm confused. She took her to the fucking park, she didn't take her to the hairdressers, dye her hair blonde and then change her name by deed poll.

CartedOff Thu 07-Feb-13 14:41:48

I did feel dreadfully sorry for that MIL who posted about how she wanted to move closer to her son and incurred the wrath of her daughter-in-law. She hadn't even done anything! But the mere hint of the possibility that she might prove to be a problem or impose on them in any way...that was really unpleasant to read about. Her DIL just seemed to view her as a potential annoyance. Would hate anyone to feel that way about me.

Mosman Thu 07-Feb-13 14:45:30

Mine's already got her own Coven i'm sure

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Feb-13 14:52:15

I have two MsIL (step and regular) and they are both great.

I still read most MIL threads and think, "fucking hell, what an overbearing wagon."

MumOfTheLittleMonsters Thu 07-Feb-13 14:58:19

I think DM's and Dsis's get it too, it takes a while for people to get to know peoples individual boundaries and expectations, there's bound to be some falling out/upset.

HumphreyCobbler Thu 07-Feb-13 14:59:14

I get on fine with my MIL but I also still read the threads on here and mostly think that they sound unreasonable.

But someone will always pop along ten posts in and either post
Be grateful you still have one because mine died
or
I am dreading being a MIL because I am the mother of sons.

I find it as annoying as they obviously find the MIL threads

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 15:04:26

The flip side to that Humphrey are the posters who think that, because their MIL was a bossy witch, every MIL is automatically guilty until proven innocent. You see loads of that attitude on here as well. Sometimes I don't find the original post too annoying, I just think 'oh do get over yourself' but then the other angry DILs piling in and unloading their baggage by insulting and dissing some poor woman who bought her GD a doll instead of a 'gender neutral' toy for Christmas or some such really gets my goat.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:05:53

Bertha Spot on! She is happy for me or us to visit her unannounced. I'm not willing to have it vice versa. OH said to her a few weeks ago that 'Angel doesn't like surprise visits' just so she knew in advance. She then said to me that my OH had said that- not in a bad way, but just in a way where it didn't actually need to be said, I thought. Why bring it up? I just said, 'Yip, he's correct!' I mean, are you TRYING to make me feel bad woman???

My own Mum (or Dad) - who are AMAZING - wouldn't drop in unannounced as they still have sex so understand that a couple's home is their private home. My MIL 110% no longer has sex with FIL. They shouldn't be in the same country never mind having sex....awkward!

But what you say is true.

Whocansay Thu 07-Feb-13 15:06:34

It all depends on your perspective. From mine, I get no help from family at all, so would really appreciate ANYONE who tried to help, tbh. I daresay there are MILs who clean houses and look after children in a passive-aggressive way(!), but I also think there are DIL who LOOK for things to be angry about in order to exert their own authority. There seem to be many power struggles going on, on these boards!

TarkaTheOtter Thu 07-Feb-13 15:08:59

YABU
Some mil are awful, some dil are awful. Probably more dil than mil post on mumsnet.
The ones with a good relationship don't start threads about it.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:10:16

OH adores my parents by the way. Absolutely adores them and the feeling is mutual. They don't interfere but they are supportive. We're lucky.

Pandemoniaa Thu 07-Feb-13 15:10:49

Whats the difference to Grandmumsnet (that doesn't exist) and Gransnet (that does)

Lots!

I'm a MIL and a gm. There's times when I sigh over the proliferation of anti-MIL threads because actually, they present a skewed picture of life for most MILs and their DILs. But being realistic, people rarely post threads entitled "AIBU to think my MIL is fantastic". So you only hear about the unfortunate relationships people have with their MILs.

snowtimelikethepresent Thu 07-Feb-13 15:17:04

My MIL 110% no longer has sex with FIL. They shouldn't be in the same country never mind having sex....awkward!
Just read that again and see if you can't see how ridiculous it sounds!

I mean, are you TRYING to make me feel bad woman???

Oh come on!!! Angel you said yourself that she didn't say it in a bad way, so she perhaps wasn't trying to make you feel bad so hard as you were trying to take offence! It could just as easily have been taken that she was trying to assure that the message had been received and understood.

You see it's attitudes like yours (comes across) that make sme think that atthewelles has got it bang on the money!

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 15:21:22

My own Mum (or Dad) - who are AMAZING - wouldn't drop in unannounced as they still have sex so understand that a couple's home is their private home. My MIL 110% no longer has sex with FIL. They shouldn't be in the same country never mind having sex....awkward! Quote

biscuit

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:22:37

snowtime No, no, that maybe came out wrong. SHE tells me they no longer have sex. They are the most unsuited couple - she tells me this and it is very obvious to all around. So no, it's not a ridiculous thing to say. smile

'I mean are you trying to make me feel bad woman???' was more of a blush - not intended to sound mean - I love this woman, she is brilliant - but she did embarrass me when she brought it up. It didn't need saying is what I meant. It wasn't said in a 'trying to assure that the message was understood.' I'm not daft. I recognise a tone when I hear one....

No attitude here, I promise you. We get on brilliantly. I just ask that she calls before coming over....

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:23:54

atthewelles ??? confused

snowtimelikethepresent Thu 07-Feb-13 15:25:34

Fairplay angel it was in fact the 110% no longer bit that I thought was ridiculous! I mean how does that even work???

tiggerishtom Thu 07-Feb-13 15:28:37

YABU

Just because some MIL's are lovely, does not mean all MIL are lovely.

As has been previously said, one "comment/ controlling behaviour" on here as you see it, can really represent years of this type of behaviour, which can make every encounter with a MIL unpleasant, but that picture is hard to paint in one post on MN.

Let face facts, as DIL's we have come along, and taken over many our MIL roles, which she loved to do, to look after her son. We are now the leading lady in her sons life and that unavoidably means MIL's have to move over and make room for us. Some to this well, others don't.....

I agree someone will always pop and say:

Be grateful you still have one because mine died
or
I am dreading being a MIL because I am the mother of sons.

I don't think these replies help at all, each individuals situation is different. Plus of course if you yourself are a MIL, you will look at them from a different perspective.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:28:56

It's ok! It's hard for words on a page to come out with the right meaning and we don't know each other's stories! I think I mean they definitely don't do rudies anymore. hmm I'm chuckling here. Never thought I would be discussing my MIL's sex life or lack of online! We're going to IKEA tomorrow together - we DO get on very well!!! She's a pretty funny woman so it should be a giggley day out!

snowtimelikethepresent Thu 07-Feb-13 15:31:34

Great stuff angel please report back on the 110% abstinence thing after you've spoken to her. It may come in handy if I ever go off Mr Present!

LucilleBluth Thu 07-Feb-13 15:31:41

atthewelles I totally agree with everything you say, especially the point about other posters unloading their MIL baggage onto the OP.

There has been loads of MIL threads over the last few days, there is no way that its always the MIL at fault.......I'm not saying that people don't have shitty MILs but there are shitty people out there in the world anyway iykwim.

I have two sons and if I'm really lucky one of them will be gay.

Almostfifty Thu 07-Feb-13 15:33:32

There are times when I read these threads and worry about how the partners of my children will view me when they're older.

These lovely ladies that dismiss their OH's parents as if they're nothing to them.

Well, they brought them into this world, turned them into the men/women that the partners love, and most of the time are normal, nice people who like to spend time with their children.

Something to think on when they irritate you slightly.

Obviously toxic parents are a different kettle of fish.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:33:35

I said to my OH the other night how much I enjoy his Mum's company. She's a smart woman but ever so ditzy so very funny without meaning to be....and then the penny drops and she's in stitches herself. My other half has me, his Mum and my Mum who all love him. That's pretty cool!
But people are people - especially women - and there will always be those who are easily annoyed or those who mistakenly rub someone up the wrong way. Mutual respect - as someone above said - is a good thing to have in any relationship and I for one think the DIL and MIL relationship is really important. Well...it is to me as I know how much my OH loves his Mum and she loves him. Anything trivial can be wiped away when I remember that.

LucilleBluth Thu 07-Feb-13 15:35:19

tiggerishtom what is this taken over the MILs role crap. I'm going to be living it up when my boys are settled. Do you really think I will miss looking after them when I don't have to anymore. When they leave home it's me time all the way ;)

Maybe that's just me.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:35:51

I have two sons and if I'm really lucky one of them will be gay. That made me lol so hard!!!

LucilleBluth Thu 07-Feb-13 15:37:37

I live in hope wink

Pandemoniaa Thu 07-Feb-13 15:39:03

These lovely ladies that dismiss their OH's parents as if they're nothing to them.

Those are the comments I feel most depressing. Because like them or not, your MIL is the woman who gave birth to the man you married. She's not some random nuisance who seems to think she has the right to breathe the same air as you.

I know that the relationship with your MIL can be difficult. I wasn't over-keen on mine since we were very different people and she wasn't good at embracing difference. But I still respected her as the mother of my husband.

BridgetBidet Thu 07-Feb-13 15:39:05

My MIL was absolutely lovely. She died 2 years ago and one of the biggest regrets of my life is that she never met my son. She was very kind and understanding, I wasn't the best daughter in law and was drinking enough to float the titanic at one point before I had children. But she was never less that lovely to me. I really miss her. She was an incredibly good friend.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:39:07

lucille Noooooo, it's not just you! My Mum is like you. "Kids are grown up and gone? Wahoo, time for me and my husband!" That's her attitude and I applaud her for it. Well deserved too! She'd done her bit!

snow Noooooo, you wouldn't want the FIL. Trust me! He's the issue, not her!

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:40:21

Pandemonnia Agreed.

tiggerishtom Thu 07-Feb-13 15:41:58

LucilleBluth and good for you!!!

Not all mothers may feel the same though.

Some like being top dog, and being consulted on everything, and involved every part of there child's life.

Some MIL lives have revolved around their children for so long, and then find it hard to adapt when they are not needed in all the same ways they once were...

Everyone is different.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:47:20

tiggerishtom But that's just it. They aren't 'children' anymore. For me, I would think that that was the MIL's issue, not mine. MY OH doesn't want a second mother - he has a terrific one - he wants a partner. It's kind of up to the MIL to follow the lead of the couple in how they run their life - within reason, some DIL and MIL are just horrid. But mostly they are normal, reasonable people. I hope!!

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Thu 07-Feb-13 15:54:31

Oh my. 2am - I need to go to bed! Goodnight all. Good chatting.

tiggerishtom Thu 07-Feb-13 16:01:14

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree I agree!

It their issue and not ours, but it is one we have to deal with.

Plus what DH's wants can be totally different to what a MIL's feels are happening, i.e someone coming along and not looking after their son as well as they did, or bringing up there grandchild as well as they would. DH's don't some into it in some MIL eyes...

I was trying to explain (all be it badly) that no one should belittle the complex nature of the DIL & MIL relationship, it is one that can so easily fail.

Other posts suggesting the amount of people posting about their MIL on MN is unreasonable, doesn't take into account the complicated nature of this type of relationship.

firesidechat Thu 07-Feb-13 16:19:44

Well I'm a fairly new mil and never quite got the stereotype. Aren't mils just like anyone else; you get some great ones and some not so good. You get some great dils or sils and some not so good. Yet as soon as you label someone as a mil, it's like they are a different species who we all know are hell to be around and out to make everyones life a misery.

For the record I think that I'm ok as a mil. I would do anything for my family, but well aware of the appropriate boundaries. I would never let myself into my daughter's house for instance. Her fil on the other hand....

CatsRule Thu 07-Feb-13 16:43:02

I'm not dreading being a mil as my mil has taught me a lot....how not to do it grin

I do agree that some people moan about their mil's over silly things, I find that annoying especially when I do have a mil who does major things and is, in short, an utterly vile woman!

I'd say choose your battle wisely when it comes to any family, your own family or your extended family inlaws.

BlueberryHill Thu 07-Feb-13 16:54:02

I have a lovely MIL, her son is a real credit to her. It doesn't mean that there aren't things that drive me crazy annoy me a bit, but I would say the same about my parents.

I probably was a difficult DIL when I had DS, everyone needed to adjust, me especially to being a mum. Hopefully I have relaxed a lot now and the important thing is that my children love them, they love my children and we all have a lovely relationship.

On the present thing, I do have an issue at the moment, DS keeps getting presents in the post which we don't know about, there is one in my wardroe at the moment that is staying there. I have a good reason for that, I also have 2 yo twins and at some point they are going to realise that they haven't been sent anything. It isn't that PIL are favouring one of the them deliberately, they just haven't thought about how quickly the twins are developing. Luckily we will be able to talk to them about it.

pigletmania Thu 07-Feb-13 16:57:42

I know it really sad tbh, I feel sorry for some f thse poor non toxic mums and mother in laws

forgetmenots Thu 07-Feb-13 19:03:04

I would actually really love a nice MIL like my ex's mum honestly, when I met my husband I was so excited about meeting his family. Maybe we should do a matchmaking service for spurned DILs/MILs, we will all be on great behaviour after all cos nothing can be worse than RL!

Chottie Thu 07-Feb-13 19:09:14

I will be a MiL one day and I would like to thank everyone for all the advice given. thanks

DontmindifIdo Thu 07-Feb-13 19:30:33

I really hope I'm a MIL like mine. I really hope I'm not going to turn in to my mum and be a MIL like DH's. However, at least as a bloke, he's the one who doesn't do the bulk of the 'grandparent to grandchild' contact facilitation, that usually falls to the mother in most couples - so if one set of grandparents include a 'hard work' grandmother, then it's usually the mother that has to negotiate dealing with them. If that hard work person is your own mother, that's easier, you've had a lifetime of dealing with them and you don't really have to worry about your DH's feelings when putting a foot down/setting boundaries etc. If it's your DH's mother, then it's a lot harder....

fluffyraggies Thu 07-Feb-13 20:37:16

Here and on relationships there's loads of threads about husbands/boy friends.
It's natural, this is a site with predominantly adult female posters.

There's also loads of threads about problems with DCs.
It's natural, this is a site with posters who are predominantly mums.

It stands to reason, given the above, that there are going to be loads of threads about in-laws. Most of us here have got at least one.

That doesn't mean that DILs are a poisonous lot, any more than it means 'wives' or 'mothers' or 'girl friends' are a poisonous bunch of people.

People are posting about their husbands, kids and in laws because they are the main people in their lives. Sometimes their complaints are justified, sometimes not.

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