to want nothing more with my inlaws after the way they have behaved?(34 Posts)
I feel like my inlaws are the most selfish, self centred , horrible people and I would cut them out of my life in a heartbeat if it weren?t for the fact that this would impact on my husband/kids.
MIL in particular is awful- a controlling and critical social climber who has no interest in her grandchildren ( on the very rare occasion that they?ve helped out with the kids she ?for example- just goes out to play bridge for 4 hours and leaves FIL to look after them.) He, incidentally worships the ground she walks on and this is part of the problem- she is basically a 70 year old SPOILED BRAT. She has lived a very comfortable life, not worked for 40+ years and pretty much had the gardners wife bring up her own 3 kids ( oh and sent my husband to full time boarding aged 7 to a school 15 mins away from their home).She has been indulged in every way and has basically done little with her life- from what I can see , and what I have been told, except socialize and be the village queen bee- everyone loves her as she IS very good in social situations. Her family however do acknowledge how difficult she can be, but seem to accept it anyway.
Anyhow the trigger to this posting is the fact that they return in 2 weeks from NZ where they have spent the last 3 months (as they do most winters), We are currently living in their house-AT THEIR INSISTENCE- as we recently moved to their area for my husbands work, having sold our house .We had a rental lined up but were told that we couldn?t possibly waste the money on that and that we had to move into their family home of 40 years. My gut instinct told me this was a terrible idea but I relented as my husband quite liked the idea of moving back to his family home and saving the money whilst I ,7 months pregnant and looking after a 2 yr old frankly didn?t put up enough of a fight and there did seem some logic to it as they were going to live in our holiday house in NZ/we would be paying the bills on the house here/their gardener etc so they would also save some money and know their house was ok. Therefore the arrangement could be seen as being mutually beneficial.
Problem is that as soon as they are back ( oh they also moved a lot of their stuff into a flat we have above my husbands business as part of the arrangement so they wont actually be living WITH us, thank God, until we have bought somewhere- we are furiously house hunting right now) that we will have to start socializing with them again/ they will be popping around every day or 2 probably to check on the house/garden like they did just before they left for NZ).
Anyway I am just so angry with them and have been fuming for months due to their appalling behaviour while I was pregnant/ after our 4 month old was born. There are many examples eg 5 days after I gave birth they arranged a house viewing(they want to sell the place) ? without even asking us. When we asked if it could be postponed we were told no it could not. 3 days after the birth they turned up drunk at the house demanding a lift to their friends house. No actual interest in their grandchildren whatsoever (actually maybe a little from FIL but none from her).
We were also sat down and told we weren?t being? grateful? enough for being able to use their house while they were away. She has slagged me off to half the village, saying that most of our possessions are ?tat? and should just be thrown into a skip. She sulked and bitched to everyone she knew because we didn?t give them the Olympic tickets that we got in the lottery, (we had already given them as a birthday gift to my parents the year before when we got them) ? which was apparently a sign of our lack of gratitude. She did NOTHING to help me/us- struggling with a house move/2 year old in the last few weeks of pregnancy and first couple of weeks after the baby was born when I could have desperately have used the odd couple of hours of them enterntaining the 2 yr old, having none of my own family closer than 2 hours away. They drive around to houses that we are viewing-unasked- and then bang on and on for weeks about why we cant possibly buy any that weve mentioned that we like and then find others that are unsuitable and will not let up about those and why we should buy them, in a patronizing and insulting way, as if we are retarded. I could go on..(even more!)
Anyway I am just SO angry with them and know I need to get over it for the sake of the rest of my family but would be quite happy never to see them again.
AIBU to want my husband and kids to see them without me ( I could just go out each time). I know that this would upset my husband but I really have had enough. I mooted the idea of confronting them about their behaviour but my husband says that it is pointless- his mum will just cry and play the victim whilst taking nothing on board of what has been said and his Dad will just back her up this is what has happened every time in the past. I really do HATE her!!!!!!
It does sound a little like you want her for childcare but she has her own life....
If you don't want to be beholden to her you need to stand on you own two feet and get your own house/ arrange other childcare arrangements.
She does sound odd, but then again....
It sounds like a power struggle on both sides.
Move into your husbands falt. Then they have no say and you don't have to see them, simple.
Don't rely on them don't live in their house.
Then you can see them on your terms and when you want.
But as far as childcare goes, sorry but you have no right to expect her or FIL to do any.
I agree with the others.
If you find them tricky then get yourself out of the situation of relying upon them. Do not discuss your house hunting with them etc. and move out of their house.
Your post is somewhat conflicting, on the one hand you can't stand them, on the other you seem to want childcare and help moving etc. I am sorry but grandparents do not HAVE to be hands on and they did not have to help you move house, even heavily pregnant, that is your responsibility.
You also sound incredibly bitter about the way she has parented and lived her life. I think you need to get over this, it is not you job to judge her on sending her child to boarding school etc.
I am not saying that you have no reason to dislike her but I think you are allowing everything to consume you. You do indeed need to get over it I am afraid as once you allow it to consume you, everything about them annoys you and in the end you become unreasonable too.
If you hate them so much and can't stand them why do you tell them so much and have them so involved in your life?
Agree with the other posts.
She does sound irritating but how she lives is her and your FIL decision. Also, they don't need to care for your children (and not sure why you would want them to if you hate her)?
I would move out asap and then you will have much more control over the situation.
I honestly can't decide who is the unreasonable one here TBH.
You are being unreasonable for your flippant use of 'retarded'.
Your MIL just doesn't see child-rearing the same way you do. She's unlikely to be any different with her grandchildren.
You can't have expectations of childcare. It's her life, her choice. Sure it would be lovely if she helped when you needed it, but she obviously has more important (to her) things to do.
She certainly sounds overbearing, but also generous. Unless there's a lot more stuff you've left out, there doesn't seem to be enough going on to want to cut them out of your life.
You cannot seriously expect to live in their house rent free,yet have nothing to do with them! AND want childcare too! that's a whole new level of unreasonable!!!!!!
When you consider what some people put up with, your grievances sound fairly trivial tbh.....and what does it matter how MIL has chosen to live her life? I cant see s relevance. If they bother you that much, move out. Use the flat, or rent for 6 months somewhere while you find a place to buy
hmm. well, if you don't like your mil, i think i'm on your side - she sounds like the kind of woman i'd travel miles to avoid.
but you don't seem to have much to actually complain about. you want childcare, she doesn't want to give it - that's her call. you're living in her house - well, you agreed to that. she's coming home - she's entitled to do that. she wants to sell her house - her house.
what is your point? i'm not against you, but you did write an awful lot without saying much.
I felt vaguely sorry for you until you said retarded
Now I think you all deserve each other
It's really hard to tell if you are being a bit precious (a house viewing when they were trying to sell their house - not too unusual, sorry that the baby was little but... really?) or if she is being completely controlling but you obviously sound completely wound up about her.
I suggest you either let it go or man up.
Can you risk being disinherited (it sounds like they are v wealthy?) If not, suck it up.
I really don't get the point of your post. There isn't really any substance there to justify the level of vitriol or hatred.
You don't like the way she lived her life - so what? It's HER life, not yours, so why does it matter to you? Ditto for how THEY (not just your MIL although you seem to be blaming her for everything) chose to raise their children. They haven't sent YOUR children to boarding school - so why does it matter to you?
You CHOSE to live in their house. And it is their house, which they can sell anytime they choose. As for asking them to rearrange a viewing because you were five days post delivery.... I'm guessing you didn't ask for a 24 hour delay, because that wouldn't have made any difference. The housing market is incredibly slow at the moment - people wanting to sell can't afford to miss out on potential viewings because it is already hard to sell a house without making the house unavailable to view. I'm not sure why you think this was unreasonable. If you didn't want to be bothered by viewings after you had a baby then you shouldn't have moved into a house that was being sold.
If your husband has a flat there was no need for you to move into their house to avoid paying rent. You could have lived in the flat. You chose
there's that word again not to, so you're going to have to suck it up.
They are not responsible for caring for your children. They are not responsible for helping you move.
Sounds like a case six and two threes - you think she is a MIL from hell - and you come across as an entitled DIL from hell. You will take from them and expect things from them - but will also judge them and their life choices and tla about hating (in capital letters no less) your MIL.
Charming. From this post you are coming across as the difficult one OP.....
Agree with the above poster - what was the problem with the house viewing?! It's their house and they can sell it if they like. YABU.
To be honest I thin k you MIL sounds pretty selfish and annoying but you HATE her that sounds a bit much. You need to move out and stop involving them so much.
Yandu to hate your pil
Yanbu to be angry and frustrated with the siuation
Yanbu to want to kick yourself
Find another house, in a different village
Do not discuss with them
Accept them for what they are. They will not change. They clearly never did children with their own-they are mot going to start now.
She sounds vile. I don't blame you for wanting to cut her off. I would.
That said, you have to take responsibility for your choices. She didn't force you to move into their home. Unless she had you at gunpoint the entire time - you made a choice to comply. You could have made a different choice and dealt with her tantrum. Don't be her victim in that respect. You will feel better if you see that you made that choice and it bit you in the arse.
You don't have to socialise with them. You don't have to let them set foot through your door.
You don't even have to live in the same area and therefore feel affected by her badmouthing you all over the place. If you live 20 miles away from your business in the opposite direction to her house - who cares what she says to people in her village?... If you can relocate your business to another part of the country (obv this depends on the nature of the business) so much the better.
If you see just how much control you have here, you will be able to calm down and think about what you want and how to get it. It just depends how far you are willing to go (falling out, or even upping sticks and relocating yourselves and your business) to get her out of your hair.
At the moment, you are seeing her as the cause of all your problems. She's not. She's a problem that you have. How you deal with it is totally within your control.
You are as bad as each other. Yabvu to use the word retarded. Any small sympathy went out of the window at that point.
Sounds like you're the one with the issues. Why this bizarre level of dependence? and emotional involvement with your PILs' lives? frankly, there are people who would love to have these 'problems', which seems to boil down to having too many houses. Get your own place and grow up. Based on this, your MIL has my sympathy.
You sound incredibly spoilt. I think YABVU.
You sound very tired and perhaps overwhelmed by pregnancy, house move, new job, new baby. Everything seems to have happened at once.
Take a step back, gather your thoughts and get some perspective.
You need some support but you are looking in the wrong direction. It doesn't sound like your MiL is capable of the emotional support you need and would like. Some people are just like that I'm afraid.
Lower your expectations of her and you may find you don't get so angry about the situation.
Are your family able to visit often? Could you afford to get some help?
You are coming across as unbalanced. A v long rant and yes we get that you really really hate her but still not entirely sure why apart from her bringing up her family in a way you disagree with. NZ featuring heavily. Could it be to do with hobbits?
Like i said on the other thread, your use of the word retarded is vile. No sympathy for you.
I can understand your being upset, I think the whole thing has been made worse by your living in their house. If the MIL is 70 she'll never change her ways now, so accept that she's spoilt and doesn't understand, and don't go about trying to change her. But change the contact you have and move out so that you can run your own life on your own terms. Be clear about your boundaries without being aggressive. You don't have to see your inlaws when your DH and children do if you don't want to. But don't expect them to look after your children, look for that type of support elsewhere as your MIL isn't going to give it. You have enough on your plate at the moment so spend your energy thinking about how you can make things easier for yourself and your immediate family, and forget your expectations of your inlaws as it'll only lead to anger and disappointment.
I can't see that she's done anything that bad really I have read far worse stories on here !
there are worse MIL's out there, trust me! Dont know how youd cope with my MIL if u think thats bad!!
YABU - you need to appreciate what they have done for you and move out. you can't take from them and expect to give nothing in return. stand on your own two feet.
I think your level of anger and annoyance is extremely unhealthy. Nothing you have written about her is really beyond the pale, is it? She is clearly a person who is not that interested in children and you have to learn to accept that. She sounds a bit overbearing but you need to find a sensible way to cope with that without seething with anger or trying to cut your dh off from her.
This just seems to be an essay on how to successfully paint yourself into a corner, resenting the fact that in a clumsy way people have tried to help you.
All the decisions seem to have been made for your own financial gain so it seems that getting some grief is just the cost of doing business.
To answer your question, I think YANBU to go out when they come over as you are clearly very, very angry.
I'm guessing you are angry for reasons other than those you've posted about, because you don't make them sound that bad. They don't seem to be very interested in their grandchild; not ideal but not a crime. They let you use their house, which is kind, though less kind when they expect gifts to prove gratitude.
You sound like you should:
1) Move into rented accommodation until you find a house to purchase. PIL are living in the flat above DH business - an you not move in there?
2) Stop telling them any details about your house hunting!
3) Take a deep breath and accept they aren't going to be the kind of grandparents you want them to be.
I think it's probably sensible that your husband and DC see your PIL without you there until you've sorted yourself out.
You sound ever so slightly unhinged. You have been fuming for months about your PIL, when they are on the other side of the world? Your post is full of such vitriol aimed at your MIL but I can't see that she's done anything that bad.
You need to find a healthy way of accepting and dealing with your PIL before this starts to cause problems between you and your DH.
And your use of the word 'retarded' is just vile.
YABVVVVU for using the word 'retarded'.
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