To think I should get to pick what my dd wears?

(144 Posts)
cherryonthetop2013 Thu 07-Feb-13 11:31:59

So MIL gave a dress, tights, shoes and shrug to DP the other day. I don't like it, neither does DP. The shoes are too small for her, the tights and shrug are also not nice.
I'm not fussy or ungrateful, I just really don't like it, she'll look like a bridesmaid on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Far far too fussy for a baby (she's only 5 months).
MIL bought the dress before Xmas so I doubt I'll be able to return it.
Anyway, last night DP told me that MIL wants DD to wear it to our birthday meal. MIL and I share the same birthday so we're having a big family meal at a lovely restaurant.
I've already got a dress for DD that she was given when she was first born and I've been dying for her to grow in to it, it's stunning and she looks so beautiful in it and I can't foresee another occasion for her to wear it.
DP has said he's not getting involved over the dress politics but "it is also my Mum's birthday and I think she'll be upset if she doesn't wear it".
But honestly the dress makes me want to vomit, I'd cringe every time I looked at my dd looking so rediculous. A couple of my friends have also seen the dress and say the same, it's vile!

Having a boy was so much easier, no bloody dramas about dresses then!

What do I do? Put her in a dress that I hate so to not upset MIL or put her in a dress which I love?
Btw it's my 30th and MIL's 60th so both special birthdays, so I can't even use that as a decider.

gordyslovesheep Thu 07-Feb-13 11:34:12

oh what a shame it would be if it got dirty/dog ate it/carrot puree down the front/got ruined in the wash etc etc

Remove the shoes and if asked say you wouldn't want to damage her feet.

Put MIL's dress on first. Take a picture. Give her some banana to play with. Remove the dress, bin it because 'oh dear, it's stained!', and then put yours on.

Put her in it, take a pic.
Say she vomited on it just as you were going out the door.
Put the nice dress on her. Easy grin

X posts travel grin

TheSecretCervixDNCOP Thu 07-Feb-13 11:36:36

Just say "I tried to put it on her but it was a little too snug so I put this one on her as she has more room"

11Plustrauma Thu 07-Feb-13 11:36:37

Put it on her and engineer a spill down the front when MIL is looking the other way just after you arrive. And go and change her into what you want.

Or just dress her in what you decide and tell DP it's your special birthday, she's your daughter and you're dressing her how you like. And that he needs to grow up and stand up to his mother.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 07-Feb-13 11:36:40

Put her in MILs dress for a photo at some point before the meal.

Then take her to the meal in her beautiful dress.

If MIL says anything, say she was a bit sick/dribbled/whatever, and give MIL a picture.

No stress smile

seeker Thu 07-Feb-13 11:37:06

She shouldn't be wearing shoes anyway.

And the dress "makes you want to vomit"?

Grow up.

11Plustrauma Thu 07-Feb-13 11:37:26

Loving all the posts saying basically exactly the same thing grin

NoobytheWaspSlayer Thu 07-Feb-13 11:37:30

Your baby, your birthday, your dress. And your DP was getting involved by chipping in the 'upset' comment. If MIL asks the other dress 'was really lovely, but just didn't fit/we had a ginourmous poo incident' or you could just say 'Thank you for the dress, but I really wanted her to wear this one'

Then put her in the horrible dress and take her to visit MIL, or take MIL out for lunch with your DD so she can show her off in the dress she (MIL) likes. She was (after all) just trying to be nice by buying what she thinks is a nice outfit.

notMarlene Thu 07-Feb-13 11:37:43

Yeas, exactly. Put her in in take a photo and OH, what a shame she had a nappy explosion and it's ruined. The horror.

I share a birthday with MIL too - what a pile of shite hey?

SunshineOutdoors Thu 07-Feb-13 11:39:38

Could you just talk to your mil yourself, say that dh told you she thought dd would be wearing her dress, but you actually have already bought a dress for that date so would she mind if you saved her dress for a different day?

Narked Thu 07-Feb-13 11:39:49

Tell her it's too small. Done.

Fakebook Thu 07-Feb-13 11:40:32

I don't ever remember fussing over what dress my dd wore at 5 months. Female babies aren't that much different to male babies, so I think you're overreacting and being a bit weird about this.

My dd was so beautiful (and still is) she'd look amazing even in rags.

StuntGirl Thu 07-Feb-13 11:40:48

She shouldn't be wearing shoes anyway.

And the dress "makes you want to vomit"?

Grow up.

^ This.

11Plustrauma Thu 07-Feb-13 11:41:26

Problem is, if you say "do you mind" or ask if she would mind, then she might say "actually I do mind" and you're buggered.

WileyRoadRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 11:42:49

I think you and mother in law are both being ridiculous.

What's wrong with a baby grow? Onesies are all the rage ... You could get matching ones?

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 11:43:02

I'd put her in t edress and be nice to MIL

kife is short

kindness is in short supply

who cares?

it's just a dress

purrpurr Thu 07-Feb-13 11:44:16

The dress sounds vile. Aside from anything else, your DD will be a grown-up at some point - do you want her to look back at a picture of her in that? Far better for her to look outstandingly gorgeous smile It's a special occasion, it's your 30th. I think it's lovely that your MIL has gone to the effort of putting together an outfit for your DD, and hopefully that has been acknowledged. The outfit doesn't have to be worn. She's your daughter, not a doll - which is to say, she's not a little thing to be dressed up according to the various whims of the family. I think it's best that you dress her.

Just a word of caution re: the outfit from your DMIL meeting a gritty end via banana/spillage/other: What's to stop her buying similar outfits in future? Just how many Tragic Banana Incidents can there be before eventually she'll have to wear something last seen in a nightclub circa 19never? Your MIL is a person, I'm sure she'll understand that your tastes don't quite mesh. Mine would. (My DM... That's another story.)

Floggingmolly Thu 07-Feb-13 11:44:19

Just put her in the fecking dress! Is it really worth falling out over? The other dress sounds like a complete waste of money if she'd genuinely only wear it on this one occasion, change it for something else.

Feminine Thu 07-Feb-13 11:48:15

I'd put her in it. You almost have to.

Its a small thing to make MIL happy isn't it?

I do get that its not your choice though, its very understandable that you don't want to.

I think your day will be much easier if you do.

Rhubarb78 Thu 07-Feb-13 11:48:53

I feel for you, ds has some outfits that I just cant bring myself to leave the house with him in them. if it was just mil's birthday I would say just suck it up and let her wear the dress but as it is also your birthday cant you just say you already bought something for her? Then just put it on one day when you are going to mil's and pretend she wears it loads, just happens to be when you dont see mil

Viviennemary Thu 07-Feb-13 11:48:55

I think I'd just put her in the dress to keep the peace. It's only one day after all. And she'll never know anyway. It's not worth an argument over this trivial stuff if you generally get on and are fond of your MIL. Not the shoes though if they are too small.

Bibs123 Thu 07-Feb-13 11:48:57

Let her wear it and get over it, it is one meal.

seeker Thu 07-Feb-13 11:49:24

Loving the idea of her being horrified in the future by her dress sense at 5 months!

What Hully said. After all, it will make her grandma very happy, and she's not a doll, is she? So you don't care what she wears?

plummyjam Thu 07-Feb-13 11:49:33

Do you like your MIL? If so, I'd just put DD in the outfit. She's too young to care what she looks like, and MIL will most likely be over the moon to see her in it. It sounds like she's put a lot of thought into the outfit and it'll be a nice birthday present for her to see her granddaughter in it. DD is probably just going to puke/spill/stain it anyway.

TheFallenNinja Thu 07-Feb-13 11:50:44

Yep. 1 pic. Bin. Done.

Have you actually tried the dress on her? It genuinley might not fit and there's your answer. If it does fit then I'd probably let her wear it and avoid a scene. Have you told your MIL that the shoes are no good? There is nothing that would make me put shoes that didn't fit on my DD. Take a photo of her wearing the Big Fat Gypsy Wedding dress and keep it for her wedding day speeches! She'll appreciate it then grin

sue52 Thu 07-Feb-13 11:53:33

It's just a dress and it will make mil happy. I wouldn't let her wear too small shoes. I'm sure you will have another chance for her to wear your preferred outfit. Life is too short to fall out over something so trivial.

Startail Thu 07-Feb-13 11:53:36

MIL's dress for meal, where it's likely to get grubby.

Yours for a trip to the photographers, nice and clean.
Or out in your garden, local park as soon as the spring flowers come out and take lots of photos of your own.

MIL happy and it's your dress that sits framed on the book case in ten years time.

LadyBigtoes Thu 07-Feb-13 11:53:51

Put her in it, along with high heels and loads of trashy make-up. grin

No honestly I would put her in it, go to the lunch, take the dress you like as well, and chances are (perhaps with a leetle help!) she can have a spillage / poo smearage and she can get changed, so both dresses go on show.

On the plus side, she's too little to care, she'll grow out of the horrible dress, and by the time she's about 18 months she'll be deciding what she'll wear, if she's anything like mine.

seeker Thu 07-Feb-13 11:54:41

People 5 months old shouldn't be wearing shoes whether they "fit" or not.

DialsMavis Thu 07-Feb-13 11:56:08

Weren't you complaining about your MIL and this very dress the other day? Something about it being weird that she didn't give it to you straight away and kept it at her house until it was nearly too small.
Put her in it or don't... Neither you or anyone else will care in the future.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Thu 07-Feb-13 11:59:30

Agree with seeker about the shoes.

Put your DD in your dress.

CountTurdula Thu 07-Feb-13 11:59:47

Why make such a big drama out of something so small? If you really can't budge on this then take a picture of dd wearing it, frame it and let her give it to her gran as a little gift. Most of my pictures from childhood involve me wearing something horrific. Those are the best pictures to look at and laugh about. Not the ones where I've been forced to sit and not eat anything for fears of ruining the outfit.

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 12:02:48

Most 5 month old babies are so covered up with bibs, blankets etc you hardly notice what they're wearing. Why don't you get a nice professional photo of your family taken to mark your 30th and put your daughter in the dress you bought for that (minus any bibs etc).

Then, when she grows up, she can be delighted at what great taste she had as a baby.

YouOldSlag Thu 07-Feb-13 12:02:58

As many other wise posters have said, put her in the enemy dress, and take yours to change into as soon as she no doubt gets it dirty.

You are making way too much fuss.

There are loads of pics of DH's nieces done up like a dog's dinner as a baby. MIL and her frilly, woolly, lacy, tartan taste was all over it. We just look back and have a little chuckle.

You do the same and relax a bit.

mommabee Thu 07-Feb-13 12:06:55

She's your daughter put her in your dress! Your MIL can like it or lump it, don't stress life's too short wink

YouOldSlag Thu 07-Feb-13 12:08:38

By the way your thread title is a bit misleading. Anyone would think you are NEVER allowed to choose what your DD wears! It's one day. Forget the shoes and put the dress on. You get to choose the other 364 days!

You might be a MIL yourself one day!

LoopsInHoops Thu 07-Feb-13 12:10:29

Put her in a babygro.

ICBINEG Thu 07-Feb-13 12:10:31

Ha - see this is why I issued a blanket statement regarding clothing to all my family.

If you wouldn't buy it for DD's male cousin then don't buy it for DD. Because she won't be wearing it.

Okay so we did get one dress this xmas...but from people that will never know that she never wears it.

EuroShagmore Thu 07-Feb-13 12:13:40

Just say she threw up all over it as you were about to leave the house.

CornflowerB Thu 07-Feb-13 12:14:05

YANBU
Dress your daughter how you like. No explanation, no apologies, just do it. Seriously, don't pander to this.

NumericalMum Thu 07-Feb-13 12:14:16

I would let her wear it. My mil and mum have bought and made DC some amazingly awful things over the years but they have done it with love so I let them get some pleasure out of it!

fromparistoberlin Thu 07-Feb-13 12:15:05

banana idea YY

its stains forever!!!!

Tryharder Thu 07-Feb-13 12:15:09

It would be very kind of you to dress your DD in the dress for the dinner. The dress might not be to your taste but I'm sure it's not that bad.

EasilyBored Thu 07-Feb-13 12:16:45

I think she needs to have a poo-splosion in the fugly dress. Whoops.

Can you post a picture of this hideous dress so we can judge properly grin

blackeyedsusan Thu 07-Feb-13 12:20:09

i would say that it was a kind thought but you already had dress picked out. make no other comment. don't mke excuses aabout it being sicked on either otherise they my still try to thro their weight around. they are going to haave to get used to you doing what you think is best.

Mosman Thu 07-Feb-13 12:20:55

I agree with the others, photo, bin job done.

Your mil has had years and years of dressing her children for her birthday.

Now it is your birthday, and you are choosing what to dress your child in.

Just tell her "I have already chosen what my dd wears on my birthday"

DixieD Thu 07-Feb-13 12:23:33

I think the most relevant point here is the one mentioned above. Do you like you MIL? I don't like mine so I wouldn't do this. I don't put myself out for people I dislike. I am polite to her and include her in her grand kids lives etc, but little considerations like this, no she doesn't deserve it. My mum though or some friends who I love I would do this for because I would like to make them happy even if it inconveniences me.

seeker Thu 07-Feb-13 12:23:42

Yep, that's a good idea. Because kindness and consideration and sometimes being a bit accommodating mean nothing at all.

Flisspaps Thu 07-Feb-13 12:24:50

It's a real shame that the dress doesn't fit, isn't it? You'd saved it for MILs birthday and now she's grown out of it! Never mind

wink

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 12:26:20

To be honest OP, in the greater scheme of things, what your daughter wears to your 30th birthday dinner will be really unimportant. Being nice to your kind and well meaning MIL in such a minor thing would be a far better choice.

maddening Thu 07-Feb-13 12:26:23

No just say you have a special dress that you bought specially when she was born.

Is the meal on the actual bday?

HopAndSkip Thu 07-Feb-13 12:26:37

she's your DD, you choose what she wears. Maybe you could go shopping with MIL some point soon, and subtly point out "ooh thats nice" or "oh I don't really like things like that, too frilly/pink so on" to help avoid similar outfits in the future, then hopefully she'll have more of an idea what you like.

Put DD in your dress, and provided the other dress is purely bad based on looks and not uncomfortable in any way, put her in that for the suggested shopping trip smile

Psammead Thu 07-Feb-13 12:27:16

Put her in the sodding dress. Make a woman happy.

You'll be taking a change of clothes anyway at that age. Take the other dress as a change if need be. Don't engineer or purposefully ruin the dress you dislike.

Ffs. A woman who loves your child bought her a gift she picked out. Be a bit polite and let her see the child in it. If you want your child to wear the other one, just put her in it for a couple of hours one time.

maddening Thu 07-Feb-13 12:27:35

Ps the response to "my mum would be upset" is "well your wife will be more upset"

Softlysoftly Thu 07-Feb-13 12:28:42

purrpurr seriously?

Loving the posters saying not to pander to mil, it's a flipping dress people she's trying to be nice, very you all have mil/sil ishoos, you do go on admit it.

Just show willing like pps say wear, photo, banana, bin.

Dear god, it's just a dress. Surely a baby needs practical clothes (especially at that age!), they're not a doll to play dress up with

CornflowerB Thu 07-Feb-13 12:30:35

Why is granny's happiness more important than mum's? I have experienced this kind of behaviour and find it very controlling. Motherhood is a hard graft; one of the fun things is getting to dress your children up and show them off. As someone said upthread, MIL has had her turn, now it is mum's turn. Also it's OP's birthday!

seeker Thu 07-Feb-13 12:32:20

"No just say you have a special dress that you bought specially when she was born"

Then you really would sound like a loon! You bought a dress specially for your dd to wear to a family lunch when she was born?

This is just so mean spirited and unkind. It's making me feel really sad nowsad

Sashapineapple Thu 07-Feb-13 12:35:15

Put her in whatever you want. If you don't like the dress don't put her in it.

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 12:39:35

It's a bloody dress. MIL isn't trying to choose what school the child goes to her, or what her name is, or what she's going to be when she grows up. She just bought her a flipping dress and said it would be nice if she wore it to a family occasion that's coming up.

shesariver Thu 07-Feb-13 12:43:39

your DD will be a grown-up at some point - do you want her to look back at a picture of her in that?

Seriously? You think an adult will care what they are dressed like when they are 5 months old hmm

And Op I think its all a bit of a drama over nothing really, put your MILS dress on her - who cares really, it does look as if you have more issues with your MIL than just a dress.

BubaMarra Thu 07-Feb-13 12:52:37

YANBU. Baby might be too little to care, but you are not and it's your birthday as well. Long ago you bought something for her for that day, you made a plan, it's important to you. So I don't see a reason why would something else would override that just like that. What will happen to the outfit you bought specifically for this occasion, this is probably the last chance for your DD to wear it. And your DH's emotional blackmail is not nice either. 'Do what you want to do, but if you do do what you want to do, she will be upset, just so you know.'

There are baby clothes that are just hideous. For me they are mainly the clothes that make babies look unnaturally grown up. And to make it even worse, it's a kind of clothes that tends to make babies almost invisible, i.e. all you see is a dress that takes over a baby. I would hate if I had to look at something like that on a day of my birthday. On any day tbh. Is it the most important thing in the world? No, it's not, bu it IS important for you especially given the context.

That said, you don't have to be rude to MIL, you can just politely explain that the dress is too small, which probably is true anyway since the shoes (for a baby!) are small. With a bit of diplomacy, you can make your point without being mumzilla. And keep in mind that your MIL might not be THAT upset. People sometimes tend to read to much into something and expect the world would come to an end if they do or say something, but in the end it turns out that other people just don't find it really offensive as previously expected.

ClartyCarol Thu 07-Feb-13 13:03:36

Ha, this makes me laugh. If the mil came on here and started a thread about how she all upset because her dil hadn't dressed her in an outfit that she, mil, had bought for a special occasion, and had in fact dressed the baby in an outfit of her own choosing, then said mil would without a doubt be told to back off, it's not all about her, dil needs to be allowed to do things her way etc etc.
I would just speak to mil and say you already have a dress for the occasion, but thanks and dd will wear her dress another time.

I'd also tactfully broach the subject of your different taste, as you might well end up with mil buying loads more stuff you don't like and it's just a waste of money.

MyCannyBairn Thu 07-Feb-13 13:11:30

Nylon will probably give her a rash, right.

LadyBigtoes Thu 07-Feb-13 13:19:32

I agree, the MIL is being unreasonable and a bit controlling, and it's annoying, but I would still go along with it to keep the peace. I would draw the line somewhere, just not here.

LemonBreeland Thu 07-Feb-13 13:28:06

I am surprised at the number of people who say to just put her in the dress. I really could not dress my DC in something that I hated, no matter how much it meant to other people.

I alos agree with clarty. There are issues with taste moreso in girls clothes than boys. I make a point of my DM and MIL seeing the kind of things I really like for DD so they don't buy huge flouncy impractical dresses that are just not suitable for a toddler who runs and climbs constantly.

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 13:28:17

How is buying your granddaughter an outfit that you think is lovely and then saying 'ooh, can she wear it to our birthday meal'? 'controlling? I think a bit of perspective here...

seeker Thu 07-Feb-13 13:33:00

Oh, it's because she's a MIL, atthewells- they don't have real feelings, you know. They aren't actually people, they are an alien species that are bent on world domination, and will take over unless the army of dedicated DILs slap them down at every opportunity.

Bunbaker Thu 07-Feb-13 13:36:34

"I am surprised at the number of people who say to just put her in the dress. I really could not dress my DC in something that I hated, no matter how much it meant to other people."

Surely a baby dress can't be that vomit inducing? At 5 months all DD wore was babygros anyway. It can't be that big a deal to put the baby in a dress for a couple of hours just to keep the peace. I agree about no shoes though. Babies don't need shoes until they can walk properly.

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 13:37:55

I do see what you mean Seeker. I heard of a MIL the other day who bought her DGD a bar of chocolate without getting written permission and a signed contract from her DIL. Shocking! shock

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 13:38:35

I would think totally differently. I would be delighted that there was such an easy way to put a stock of goodwill and love in the bank...

Just put her in the damn dress already.
Then take it off when you get away.
The photos will remind you of the time when you acted generously and with love.
And make you all laugh in years to come.

thebody Thu 07-Feb-13 13:44:19

I suggest you have a hard time ahead if you are this stressed about what a 5 month old baby wears..

You both sound like you think dd is a dress up doll.

Put her in what you want to and both grow up and enjoy your birthdays.

maddening Thu 07-Feb-13 13:47:55

I think the mil should be kind and not makea fuss.

PoppyAmex Thu 07-Feb-13 13:48:32

I totally agree with Hully and seeker, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter one jot and it will make a member of your family happy.

If you're worried about what people think (i.e. your comment about the Gipsy Wedding) here's my opinion: I think 5 month olds in dresses and shoes look naff and a baby that age shouldn't be wearing shoes anyway.

LemonBreeland Thu 07-Feb-13 13:55:30

atthewelles it is the fact that the MIL 'will be upset' if the dress is not worn as has been suggested by the OPs DH that is the problem. It is fine for the MIL to buy a dress. It is not fine for her to suggest when an outfit should be worn. It is not her child.

FWIW I have two DSes so will be the MIL and would not expect that level of input into my DGC.

LittleChimneyDroppings Thu 07-Feb-13 13:56:07

I'd put her in the dress that I wanted her to wear personally.

Post a pic of the fugly dress though, I want to see it grin

DontmindifIdo Thu 07-Feb-13 13:56:29

Yep, put her in the one you bought. If MIL says anything, say you didn't realise the dress was for today, or it's had a poo explosion on it.

It also might be worth saying to her or loudly round others that as DD will start crawling soon you're making the most of putting her in dresses as they aren't practical with a crawling child - and that it's a pity she's got some lovely dresses for the next size up (6-9months), but will probably not wear them as you'll have to put her in trousers/leggings and tops so she can crawl easily. At least then if MIL's taste is rather different to yours you'll get to tone it down if it's just top or bottom half...

(I had to guide my parents away from overly logoed clothes, god knows what they will turn up with if this one I'm pregnant with is a girl, they seem to be makign up for their lack of funds when DB and I were little with whole wardrobes of stuff I don't like for DS, I can see a see of pink frills arriving from them, MIL on the other hand, goes in for tasteful and practical clothing...)

gotthemoononastick Thu 07-Feb-13 14:00:22

Running to examine the party dress I am taking to Australia.Over the top price.. ..organic cotton dontchaknow!l l love,love it.Remains to be seen if it will hit the bin.Dd and I have never had the same taste anyway.My pleasure was in the dreaming and choosing and looking and buying.If she doesn't like,so be it!

PoppyAmex Thu 07-Feb-13 14:03:26

That's really sad, gotthemoon.

Hopefully you'll get to see your DGD wearing it smile

Inertia Thu 07-Feb-13 14:04:57

Put her in the dress when you turn up so she can be in a photo with grandma.

DD will surely need a nappy change shortly after, and it'd be such a shame if her dress got wet during the nappy change.

Surely at 5 months the baby isn't likely to be spilling much food down herself?

Fakebook Thu 07-Feb-13 14:06:10

God forbid anyone else other than a mother get excited about a baby. I don't think the mil is controlling, she's just probably excited and made a suggestion about what dress a 5 month old baby should wear. The baby will wear it for 3 hours max. The baby has her whole life ahead of her to wear clothes chosen by her own mother. What a whole lot of brouhaha about nothing.

gotthemoononastick Thu 07-Feb-13 14:07:48

Dontmidifido,you are right.I have more to spend now.Made do when my children were small.The irrational excitement at the wonder of this new little life is inexplicable and of course the babyshops are like Alladin's caves.Buying for baby instead of for the garden!!!!

Get where your coming from, my MIL always buys the boys clothes in colours that make them look really poorly, but as she has been kind enough to buy them, I can be kind in return and put the boys in the outfits she has chosen, no big deal really smile

pixi2 Thu 07-Feb-13 14:10:10

Put her in your dress. Your baby. Your mil has had her babies.

PoppyAmex Thu 07-Feb-13 14:10:59

I don't even know why this thread is pissing me off so much.

I'm so sick of the "your baby, your rules hun" brigade;
the "your entitled" crew;
the "it's your right" crowd...

Just reading gotthemoon's post is heartbreaking, FFS what's wrong with people? A fucking baby dress makes you want to vomit?

How about some old fashioned kindess?

skullcandy Thu 07-Feb-13 14:11:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy Thu 07-Feb-13 14:13:12

Some people obviously care too much about what they dress their children in. Heaven help the op when she has a 3 year old who wants to wear wellies with her party frock!

RoLoh Thu 07-Feb-13 14:16:53

I understand these situations can be difficult. It's actually super unimportant at 5 months but the reality is that often we don't act completely rationally when it comes to stuff like this!

I would arrive at the restaurant with dd in the ugly outfit, let MIL go nuts over her and take photos, then say that you also bought a dress for the occasion and change dd into your dress when you first change her nappy. I'm sure your MIL won't mind sharing as long as she gets to see her wearing it once.

deleted203 Thu 07-Feb-13 14:17:14

I'd put her in my own dress. If MIL bought it before Christmas but only gave it to you the other day then that was daft of her, IMO. DD could have worn it over Christmas perhaps. Perfectly reasonable now to say, sorry - it was too small for her.

Greensleeves Thu 07-Feb-13 14:18:03

I think my response to this would depend on the wider relationship with the MIL

If she is generally a kind and supportive MIL and this really is just about a grotty dress she is all excited about, then I would dress dd in it and make MIL's day. It's a few hours and it will make her happy. Yes, choosing what your child wears is a perk of being a parent (not that it floats my boat particularly) but accommodating and sometimes humouring batty relatives is also part of being a parent. We all have to do it, it's just being generous and it's not that hard, is it?

If on the other hand the MIL is a toxic passive-aggressive narc who constantly pushes boundaries, has no respect for her DIL, manipulates her son , takes every opportunity to score a point - then it's not about the dress and I wouldn't stand for it.

seeker Thu 07-Feb-13 14:20:55

So the MIL s batty for wanting the dress she gave to be worn- but the OP is entirely reasonable to want the same!

Why are people so mean spirited?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 07-Feb-13 14:22:08

Put your DD in the outfit you like. I understand about it being your birthday too, so you'll want nice photos of you and your DP with your DD in the dress you prefer. Just do it. If she questions it just say you appreciate her buying things for DD but you'd already purchased her dress for the occasion, plus you don't want her wearing shoes at they age.

Also, if you put her in the MILs dress, your MIL will assume you love that style of dress and will buy more when she grows out of that one. Put her in the MILs dress for Sunday much at MILs or something.

seeker Thu 07-Feb-13 14:22:24

"If on the other hand the MIL is a toxic passive-aggressive narc who constantly pushes boundaries, has no respect for her DIL, manipulates her son , takes every opportunity to score a point - then it's not about the dress and I wouldn't stand for it."

Is there any other kind on mumnsnet? And reading posts from DILs, I can certainly see where they come from..........

wineandroses Thu 07-Feb-13 14:23:29

Op I totally understand why you want to see your DD in your choice of dress. But I still think you should put her in MIL's dress. My MIL was very controlling (or tried to be) and bought loads of hideous clothes for my DD when she was little. I only dressed DD in them on very rare occasions and I did not do it with good grace. MIL isn't around anymore and I do now look back to those days and regret that I was too mean-spirited to give her the simple pleasure of seeing her smallest GD in something she had taken the time to choose for her. You have years and years ahead where you will be in charge of almost everything to do with DD. Where's the harm in letting MIL have the delight of seeing her in the dress?

Greensleeves Thu 07-Feb-13 14:24:38

I didn't think I was being mean-spirited! I think unless it is part of a wider campaign of deliberate undermining OP should put dd in MIL's dress

the "batty relatives" comment was meant slightly affectionately - I just think we all have to do a bit of appeasing to protect the feelings of older relatives. I put ds1 in a strange flared sailor suit with lambs on it because MIL had kept it from when her (now 40yo) ds1 was little.

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 14:25:44

I cannot believe that people would be prepared to 'stand their ground' over what a 5 month old baby wears to a party, even if it means hurting the feelings of a well meaning grandmother. God help the OP, and some of the posters on here, if they ever have any real issues to argue over.
It's quite sad, actually.

Greensleeves Thu 07-Feb-13 14:26:06

My MIL isn't like that seeker. She's lovely. We have completely different values on almost everything, but we get on because we meet each other half way.

I see plenty of posts about MILS who are lovely confused

seeker Thu 07-Feb-13 14:26:25

Sorry, I didn't think you were, greensleeves. One of the few!

nokidshere Thu 07-Feb-13 14:29:54

Thank goodness I have boys :D

And 5 month old babies should be in a beautiful babygro surely?

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Feb-13 14:33:15

I've put my girls in all sorts of outfits to please gift givers, but no ducking way would I be following anyone's orders about how to dress my child on a particular day.

WorriedMummy73 Thu 07-Feb-13 14:34:20

Personally, I wouldn't put her in either of the dresses. It's a 5 month old baby, not a fecking doll to be dressed up for people. Put her in a nice -comfortable - babygro ffs.

I love the fact that this is about MIL and people are so quick to jump on her, despite op saying nothing about her personality - all these assumptions about how controlling and pushy she is when nothing of the sort has been established. I would be interested to see the responses had this been a dress from op's Mum - I suspect there would be a lot more sympathy for op's Mum in that case. Why is there such a backlash against MILs on here?

morethanpotatoprints Thu 07-Feb-13 14:38:17

Ah, bless her. She really means well you know.

Ok " what a beautiful outfit, dd looks absolutely lovely in it, we were really looking forward to her wearing it tonight " Unfortunately she chucked up all over it before we came out, no time to change.
Tell the biggest whopping lie you ever have. Not forgetting to tell her how nice it looked. Bingo, no horrendous outfit for dd and mil upset averted.

I agree with Seeker, Hully and Greeny.
After all, you can dress her how you like every day, often more than once a day at that age!

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Feb-13 14:41:32

My answer would be the same if it were the Dalai fucking Lama issuing edicts about how I should dress my children.

Pandemoniaa Thu 07-Feb-13 14:45:28

Is it worth upsetting your MIL over something as trivial as a dress? I, too, dislike all this "ur baby, ur rules" crap when it over-rides a simple act of kindness that'll hurt nobody. In years to come, you can laugh over the photos since your 5 month old dd is not going to be traumatised by an unfortunate outfit worn once.

Take the dress you want her to wear with you. I'd be amazed if your dd doesn't need changing anyway.

getoffthecoffeetable Thu 07-Feb-13 14:48:27

Have you thought about taking DD to get a photo taken while she's wearing the outfit that MIL has bought her? You can get one done for less than a tenner nowadays. Wrap up and give MIL the photo as a special present from DD. then you can put DD in the outfit that you want her in for your special day.

twofingerstoGideon Thu 07-Feb-13 14:48:27

I cannot believe that people would be prepared to 'stand their ground' over what a 5 month old baby wears to a party, even if it means hurting the feelings of a well meaning grandmother. God help the OP, and some of the posters on here, if they ever have any real issues to argue over. It's quite sad, actually.

I would be willing to bet that the people who believe in 'standing their ground' over such a trivial issue are exactly the sort of people who will end up being nightmare MILs.

plantsitter Thu 07-Feb-13 14:48:57

I would just put it on her TBH. Maybe not the shoes. I like doing stuff to make my MIL feel nice even if it's not to my taste. Helps family relations.

Just you wait until she's a toddler and wants to choose her own clothes... This will all seem like a storm in a tea cup.

MavisGrind Thu 07-Feb-13 14:50:16

Like another poster, I'm not sure why this thread has pissed me off so much but really - shoes and a fucking shrug for a 5 month old??

Put her in a baby gro - she'll still look beautiful, she's a baby - they're all beautiful!

<wanders off muttering about why we insist girl babies must look beautiful and why, apparently, this isn't an issue for boys hmm>

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Feb-13 14:56:40

Obeying a bossy cow telling you how to dress your child isn't an act of kindness, it's an act of submission.

It boggles my mind that anyone would even make a demand like that.

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 15:00:00

Oh for God's sake AThing. She bought her granddaughter an outfit that she thinks is really special; she thinks it would be lovely if the granddaughter wore it for a family occasion coming up and has said this.
She sounds like a loving grandmother with not great taste in clothes; not a bossy cow making demands.

Touchmybum Thu 07-Feb-13 15:00:39

On the one hand, it's only a dress and my first reaction was to put baby in the MIL's effort, and make sure she needs a change.

However, I am recalling the horrid, nasty, old-fashioned, ugly, frilly dillies that my MIL bought for my daughters.... and I'm sorry but sometimes you just CAN'T!!!!

twofingerstoGideon Thu 07-Feb-13 15:01:10

Wasn't aware that OP said MIL told her how to dress her child?

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Feb-13 15:05:08

She sounds like a bossy cow to me.

Buying someone an outfit for their baby doesn't mean you get to demand when it is worn.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Feb-13 15:08:46

I'm going to ring my brother and get him to tell his wife that I want my new niece dressed in the outfit I bought her the next time I visit.

Oh no, I won't. Because that would be unbelievably bossy and overbearing. and because I haven't got them a gift yet

twofingerstoGideon Thu 07-Feb-13 15:08:49

Where did she 'demand'?

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 15:10:07

But I don't think she's demanding, AThing. She probably said something to her son like 'oh I hope DIL puts DGD into that outfit I bought for our birthdays. I'm dying to see her in it'. DS (not particularly interested) says 'oh yeah, I'm sure she will'. DS then goes home, says to DW 'Oh mum wants DD to wear that yucky outfit to the birthday bash' DW goes 'Whaaat. But I already have a dress for her'. DS 'Oh right. I think she was looking forward to seeing her in it. She might be a bit upset now'.

Maybe I'm wrong but I didn't get the impression from the OP that her MIL was stamping her feet and insisting the dress be used.

Sashapineapple Thu 07-Feb-13 15:12:44

A little baby wouldn't be that comfortable in a dress anyway surely. Jeez both our kids were in babygrows until they were about 9 months, they were nice and comfy for them. MIL got us loads of clothes but aside from not being our taste at all, we just wanted the babies to be comfy.

Mumindoha Thu 07-Feb-13 15:14:25

Put her in the dress and take loads of pics. It will GUARANTEE hilarity for you all in a few years' time when you get the pics out

Mumindoha Thu 07-Feb-13 15:25:21

We have so many pics of us (in the seventies) and our children (in the nineties) wearing bad clothes...so funny to look back on

Oh come on babies are comfy as long as there are arms to cudfle them and their belly is full, usually. Never met a 5 months old able to differentiate between a babygrow or a dress, unless the dress is made of needles..

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Feb-13 15:30:11

What's so uncomfortable about dresses?

They were what babies wore before poppers were invented.

Anyone "suggesting" that a baby be attired in their choice of clothes at their choice of event is being a bossy boots.

I love how the grandmother and her son are just well-meaning eejits but the child's mother is a controlling lunatic for wanting to dress her own kid.

Greensleeves Thu 07-Feb-13 15:34:16

lol at needles franca grin

It's impossible for us to know whether the MIL is a toxic undermining witch or a perfectly nice woman with minging taste

I think we all bring our own baggage to a thread like this. For me it's a binary thing - my mother = controlling hag, nothing is really "just a dress", it's always part of the wider score sheet. MIL = lovely, a bit loopy, grit my teeth and bear it. So I guess every time I post on a MIL thread I am projecting to a degree

only OP knows what is really going on with her and dh/MIL/dd

twofingerstoGideon Thu 07-Feb-13 15:35:40

I don't know what thread you're reading AThing but has anyone called the child's mother a 'controlling lunatic'?

maddening Thu 07-Feb-13 15:41:13

Exactly mumin - these people had no dress sense when dressing us and they want to carry on with the grandchildren smile

CatsRule Thu 07-Feb-13 16:48:22

My mil insists on buying all things Tigger for my ds and dh and I really dislike Tigger clothing.

However, as horrible as the woman is otherwise, I just put him in those clothes anytime I know we will see her as ds is too young to mind what he wears (recently as it's so cold I've been putting tights on him, navy or red, not pink grin...choose your battles!

Your dd won't know the difference and you won't have to worry if she pukes on it or spils something down it if you dislike it that much.

Maybe your dh can take you and dd out for a nice family meal and she could wear your nice dress? Create another opportunity to celebrate and put her in the nice dress.

You can't tell from the OP whether it went like this

(a) "I've bought your dd a dress, it would be lovely if she wore it for our birthday meal [thinks ... and I'll be momentarily sad if she doesn't but I understand DIL's taste is different to mine and its her birthday too so I'll keep quiet]

or like this

(b) "I've bought your dd a dress. It is gorgeous, BE GRATEFUL. I expect and insist that she wears it and I shall cry conspicuously if she doesn't and never let anyone forget it and ruin everyone's day so just do as I say or else"

The fact that the DH has instantly said that he isn't getting involved in 'politics' points to it not being (a), doesn't it.

But we don't know, and we have no idea what the MIL is like generally, so everyone has mentally given her the character that suits their own worldview and replied accordingly. Total pointless thread, therefore.

OP, we need more info!

Of course, the answer is that the OP's DH does not get to opt out of 'politics' when they involve his mother. Get him to tell your MIL that you'd already bought a dress. Instead, dress your DD in the vile frilly night are next time you go to visit her (minus the shoes, obviously, because she's 5 months olds and doesn't need them).

You need to post a photo of the dress OP. just so we can all comment objectely, of course.

Mymooncuprunnethover Thu 07-Feb-13 17:31:57

I would definitely not put her in the MIL's dress. If you think it's really awful, then your DD shouldn't have to wear it.

Also, it's a big family gathering. I don't know, but maybe there will be some people there who haven't seen the baby yet, or see OP very infrequently. OP will want to be proudly showing off the baby, not being embarrassed about what she's wearing....other people will think she likes the hideous thing!

Don't make excuses either, just don't mention it and hopefully it won't be a big deal.

Would be interested to see the outfit, but the fact that there were shoes for a 5 month old with it speaks volumes...

Floggingmolly Thu 07-Feb-13 18:43:38

Why don't you post pictures of the two outfits, op?
You think yours is the bees knees, your MIL's is the total opposite to yours...
I wonder how many posters would be able to tell which was which? (bad taste is not confined to older people)

UniS Thu 07-Feb-13 18:50:26

start the day in MiL dress, no bib, (no shoes, they are too small .) give DD shrug to suck in the car, by the time you have got to meal it will need changing. put DD in your dress, by pudding it will also need changing, scratch around the car to find a baby grow, put DD in that, relax.

BigSilky Thu 07-Feb-13 18:53:08

Go on, post a picture.

I would put her in the dress for her grandmother. It'll make her so happy.

blondefriend Thu 07-Feb-13 19:12:08

start the day in MiL dress, no bib, (no shoes, they are too small .) give DD shrug to suck in the car, by the time you have got to meal it will need changing. put DD in your dress, by pudding it will also need changing, scratch around the car to find a baby grow, put DD in that, relax.

My thoughts exactly. My dd is now 4 and I never get to choose what she wears. She goes out in leggings, skirt, socks, trainers and jumper all in slightly mismatching shades of pink. sigh

Yfronts Thu 07-Feb-13 20:05:28

combine both outfits?

Yfronts Thu 07-Feb-13 20:06:17

Start meal in grans outfit, spill gravey on it and then change to your outfit

Yfronts Thu 07-Feb-13 20:06:53

or say 'thats a lovely idea but i've already got her a special outfit for the party'

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