to ask for some persepective? ( long and about family)

(69 Posts)
lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 11:00:17

I will try to keep the long story short, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest, I considered speaking to a counciller but then I thought you guys would be better smile
I have lived with my partner for 10 years and we have 4 young dc. Through various stages of our relationship we have wanted to marry. Each time met with horror from my parents. so we have put it on the back burner, done other things like mortgage etc with our money.
Anyway now we are both approaching 40 and desperatley want to get married. Nothing flash. Registry office followed by hall reception with a casual buffet. No speeches. (due to my Parents previous horror)

I spoke to my mother on the phone 3 days ago to say this was what we had decided. All fine on the phone. (too easy, I thought!)
Next day phone goes = Rant "why are you doing this to me?" You know I am ill. ( Hyperthyroid) I cant stand to have to be nice to people, Everyone will be staring at us, looking down on us etc etc. We wont come then you can do as you want.
Not content with that she phones back and tells me that she knows I wasnt at work the other afternoon when she babysat!? (I dont know were she thought I was) and that I am deceitful and have an evil party spirit. She tells me that she is heart broken that I am not the same person, and that I am wordly, and that she has tried and has now given up on me. I will always be part of their family and will never be anything different.

My dad then takes the phone to tell me it is pointless having a big wedding as we have had children and been together 10 years and we should go to gretna of just go to the registry office with just myself, partner and witnesses.. We dont really want this and feel this will upset my partners family. (who are normal)

I am swinging from furious to hurt to confused. I dont know what to do. I imagine we will have to call it off. The thought of having to explain this to our guests. Or am I being wicked to ask mum who isnt great, but equally not terrible to come to my wedding??
I havent spoken to them since. I have nothing to say. Help....

manicbmc Thu 07-Feb-13 11:03:59

What on earth have they got against you getting married? Very odd.

Arrange your wedding how you want. Invite your parents so they can't use that against you. And prepare yourself for them not to come.

Then kick back and have a lovely time with your soon-to-be dh.

EasilyBored Thu 07-Feb-13 11:04:11

I'm sorry, what? You want to get married to your long term partner, in a simple registry office do with a bash afterwards so everyone can celebrate, and your parents think you are evil and wrong for doing this? That is bizarre in the extreme. Get married, have a brilliant day. Invite your parents but if they don't want to be involved then it is their loss. Sorry they are treating you like this.

Tbh, it sounds like your parents need the councilling not you! Get married, have a great day and sucks to them. I don't understand why they don't want you to get married, sounds very odd. Of course you could just go abroad and get married on a beach somewhere hot and present them with a fait accomplice. Have a big party when you got back.

Nancy66 Thu 07-Feb-13 11:06:35

Don't call it off...

I would just go ahead with your plans and tell your parents that you hope they can make it but if they don't it's not the end of the world.

I suspect that the pandering to your mad mother over the years has fuelled her behaviour.

WingDefence Thu 07-Feb-13 11:06:55

Your parents sound very strange. You and your DFiance should have the wedding that you want and I'm sure it'll be a great day with and for your 4 DCs too.

Don't call it off - enjoy yourselves! If this is something you and your DP really want (and it sounds like it), your parents will always have some problem or other with it and will probably seek to ruin the day for you. Please don't let them.

nipersvest Thu 07-Feb-13 11:08:49

do you have any idea why your parents are so against you getting married?

momb Thu 07-Feb-13 11:08:57

Get married. Have the day you want and invite the people that you want to be there.
If you decide to invite your parents make it clear that if they don't want to come you will be disappointed but of course will support their decision,. Then think no more about it and have a lovely party!
Presumably you will have your children walking you down the aisle. or were you planning on your Father being part of the ceremnony?

Your Dp and your kids are what really matter. Not your parents who think it's ok to tell you you're eveil for wanting to get married shock. Go ahead with the wedding however you and your DP want it. Invite your parents but let them know if they don't want to come/don't agree with it that's fine.

KenLeeeeeee Thu 07-Feb-13 11:10:47

Get married, have an amazing time, don't invite your toxic and frankly bonkers parents.

I echo what has been said above. I would simply say - " right we are getting married because it means a lot to us, we would love you to be there, but if you don't feel able to come we understand.

If I were you I'd be hoping they didn't come because if they did it sounds like they would be pulling cats bum faces all day.

Have a good old knees up with your DP's family and your kids and remember - we can't choose our parents.

porridgeLover Thu 07-Feb-13 11:11:49

It sounds as if there will never be a time that they will be supportive about your wedding.
Just go ahead with your plans.
Dont allow their drama before or on the day to interfere with anyone's enjoyment.

NigelMolesworth Thu 07-Feb-13 11:11:51

I think its lovely that you want to get married (congrats btw) but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said 'we are both approaching 40...'. You do NOT need your mother's permission to get married. In your post I am really struggling to find anything that your parents will react in horror to!

I would be tempted to say 'I'm sorry that you feel you can't come. What a shame' and go right ahead and organise it the way YOU both want. Go on, be a devil and have speeches too if that's what you want. Explain to your PIL - they might well be very supportive and help you through it. But for goodness sake DON't call it off.

Sorry, am not in the mood to pander to mothers behaving like toddlers.

Good luck smile

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:13:48

Am I right in thinking there is a cultural aspect to this? Have you lived in sin with someone from another religion/culture and your parents can't quite bring themselves to publicly celebrate a ceremony that makes it official?

AllThatGlistens Thu 07-Feb-13 11:14:36

How strange! I'm sorry but I don't understand what their issue with you being married is?

You absolutely do not have to cancel your wedding OP, and why on earth would you? This is about you and your DP wanting to marry, which is no concern of anyone else's, be they family members or not!

Put yourself and your own family wishes first, if your parents feel they cannot attend then so be it.

You are an adult. You are entitled to make your own choices and be happy.

Please don't let your parents ruin that for you sad

WileyRoadRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 11:14:43

lotsofboats is there any "reason" that your parents think you should not marry! Is there a culture clash or something that has not been explained to us as to why you would even think you are being unreasonable?

It is odd behaviour (from your parents).

You and your partner need to do what YOU want.

Good luck.

WTF confused

Go get married and have a fantastic day

I'm sorry but your parents sound bonkers. I don't think you should live your life according to what they want. It's not just about them, it's about you, your partner, your children, the rest of your family... Go ahead with your plans.

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:16:29

Either that or it's a situation like that series - what was it called? With Penny and um, um Paul Nicholas. Just Good Friends?

Her parents were middle class pillars of the community/Hyacinth Bouquet types, and his were loud, flashy Cockneys. grin

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:16:54

Vince. That was it. Penny and Vince. Are you Penny? grin

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 11:18:41

what is an "evil party spirit" and being too "wordly" Are they religious?

nefertarii Thu 07-Feb-13 11:18:59

there has got to be more to this. Or they are bonkers and you should keep well away.

Mosman Thu 07-Feb-13 11:19:27

If I could go back in a time machine I'd run off and get married just the two of us, nobody actually wants to share your special day they just want a party, so have one when you come back married with your children, have a holiday too you'll save yourself a world of pain !

Mosman Thu 07-Feb-13 11:20:24

She sounds more like Vince - no offence OP grin

weegiemum Thu 07-Feb-13 11:22:27

Is there a religious element to this? Sounds bonkers. But your mothers choice of words sounds like the very fundy-type Christians I know!

Agree that your parents sound very religious, but that makes me even more confused as I would have thought that would make them desperate for you to be married and 'respectable'. So not Christians then?

I presume that you and DP are from backgrounds that are not supposed to mix?

Just get married! It's about you, not them. confused

DuchessFanny Thu 07-Feb-13 11:31:49

Have they ever said why they are so against you being married ? They were ok with your other commitments ( living together, having children) ...

I'd get married, it's what you both want and you children and non - bonkers family can join you in your happy day.

Sorry your parents aren't great ( i have a on-off mum and it can be wearing !) don't let it dictate how you live your life though x good luck !

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 07-Feb-13 11:36:24

I'm very sorry to say this part made me laugh: "We dont really want this and feel this will upset my partners family (who are normal)" but only because it's so true and you obviously have a perspective on just how bonkers your parents are being.

On the gloomy side, imagine if something happened to you and you were in hospital - your partner wouldn't even be your next of kin, your parents would. Because of their selfish and incomprehensible behaviour.

You want to get married, your partner wants to, it's a thing that will be happy and moreover will protect all six of you! Just do it. Why would you cancel now? It's time to take a stand and realise you can't control other people's behaviour, only the way you respond to it.

good luck and please let us know and see the wedding photos smile

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 11:43:17

Thank you all so much ! Just got back from preschool run.
No cultural issues, but FellatioNels0n may have something. My family is tiny, but a lot of that is through mother not wanting anything to do with my dads family. He seems to accept this no questions. so really its just me, dad and my uncle on my side of the family. Mum hates her nieces because they dont work!? ( but I think she is jealous of my uncle having a family other than herself.. Idk)

My partners family are a bit wealthy but fairly down to earth, and there is quite a lot of them. I dont imagine many will be able to make the wedding as they are busy working and this is very low key but we would invite them.

They say they are Christian but all I see is a horrible judgemental attitude.

It does sound totally bonkers I know smile I think we will plod on without them. I imagined dad might walk me down the isle but I guess at my age it wont look out of place if I go down with my dc's.

I just dont know what to say, as people will all ask if I have any family!? I wouldnt want to embarrass dp or to have gossiping about it. Its so bloody mad..sad

EasilyBored Thu 07-Feb-13 11:45:31

Just say 'yes, but they aren't very supportive I'm so glad to have DH and his family in my life'. I think you might be surprised at how many people make it to your wedding. Good luck, I hope you have a great day!

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 11:45:40

please tell me what an "evil party spirit" is though

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:48:14

Ah, you see? <nods smugly> My spidey sense is so finely honed I amazed myself sometimes.

WileyRoadRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 11:49:01

Then I think you just need to plan your wedding, tell your parents when it is and ask your dad to walk you down the aisle.

It is their choice then whether they have any part in it. It would be awful for you if they don't but at least you gave them the opportunity.

But be fully prepared to go ahead and do want you and your partner want to without them if need be.

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:49:38

So, in a nutshell, 'mother' is a bit of a bonkers control freak then.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 11:49:53

As for living together they decree we are married in gods eyes already, and its not necessary. but understand why we want to marry but only would support it in a way that is acceptable to them I guess. A way in that they dont have to be seen or speak to people.
Wow feels good to get it off my chest!!

DuchessFanny Thu 07-Feb-13 11:50:30

<<wishes she had spidey sense>>

DuchessFanny Thu 07-Feb-13 11:52:08

And yes OP you are right, not at all out of place to have your DC walk you down the aisle, in fact i think it's rather lovely !!

do it , do it, doooo iiitttt !

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:53:18

Recognise anyone?

Sorry OP, only joking, but she is exactly who sprang to mind when you said 'evil party spirit.' shock

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:53:37

and now I've got dirty pillows in my head. confused

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 11:57:57

Yes I think your right again, I have been living with a mad control freak in my life so long I accomadate the behaviour. It has to stop.

I am not sure about the party spirit...I think she means I am evil or have evil in me for wanting a wedding reception!?
I have lots of friends and do sometimes go out, get drunk etc - Nothing terrible but that is judged , and they are refered too sneeringly as my fffffffriends. Ha!

This has been really helpful, Thank you!
Time fo me to grow a pair!!!!

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:00:22

Oh god!! Hide the knives! grin

but understand why we want to marry but only would support it in a way that is acceptable to them I guess. A way in that they dont have to be seen or speak to people.

Then don't invite them. Then you'll be getting married in a way where they wouldn't have to be seen or speak to people. grin

It's your wedding not your mother's. It doesn't have to be acceptable to her.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Feb-13 12:03:12

Dear god your mum is full blown nuts shock

I hope she doesn't say that kind of shit in front of your dc?

Oh, and ime, it's vodka that's an evil party spirit.

You are approaching 40, have 4 kids with your long term partner, and your mum has told you not to get married so you havent? hmm

Do you live in your mums apron pocket? Seriously grow a spine, a backbone, and some nice Amaryllis for your wedding!

DoIgetastickerforthat Thu 07-Feb-13 12:06:28

Have the wedding and a good old knees up afterwards and just lie to everybody and tell them your parents have gastric flu but didn't want you to cancel. Blushes saved and everyone happy <contemplates own evil spirit>.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:12:46

I am glad that the general concenous is that she is mad - trust me, having it in my life (and this is only the latest in a long long line of things) I begin to question myself lots and think I am mad or bad. I feel bad for mentioning this all to her with her thyroid problems and perhaps she genuinly isnt up to it, but its all wrapped up in the other crazy stuff. I've gone Gah gah confused

ENormaSnob, she doesnt really like children, so they dont see much of her. occasional babysitting (daytime only) if I am really desperate.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:17:11

PureQuintessence - Your totally right! and I am embarrassed - I am (unsurprisingly) quite shy, and cowardly. but I know I probably need to walk away for good here. Its a destructive relationship smile

They sound unhinged. Don't call the wedding off. Do you have to invite them?

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:22:03

attheendoftheday - I seriously wish I hadnt!! But then that would have been wrong too I imagine..

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 12:28:49

She sounds toxic. I think that word gets woefully over-used on MN but in this instance I think it is probably appropriate.

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 12:29:20

I feel sorry for your Dad as well. He sounds very downtrodden and brainwashed.

LabelsGalore Thu 07-Feb-13 12:31:05

Look this is your life, not your mum's or dad's, just YOUR life and the one of your DP and children.

If you two want to get married, then just do so because the people it will impact on are You and Your DP, not your parents.

By any mean invite them, just know that they might refuse to come (Who on earth would refuse to come to their dd's wedding? confused).

When I got married, we had some issues with some members of the family who decided that they would not come because of XX. I think this is something that happens in a lot of families. Just a shame we are talking of your own parents there sad

foofooyeah Thu 07-Feb-13 12:33:50

Without seeming rude you are nearly 40 and your mother is plainly bonkers! She says she doesnt want to come, so have a lovely ceremony with your ffffffriends grin and dont invite your parents

Dont even tell them. Just wait for it to come up in conversation and say 'Oh yes we got married - knew you werent keen'

StuntGirl Thu 07-Feb-13 12:39:07

Are you bloody mad woman? Get married however and whenever you like, have a fab day and let them do what they want. Seriously, don't let them control you for a second longer.

Someone will always have something to say about other people's weddings. Ignore them and get on with it!

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:40:36

foofooyeah - Thanks, I would love to just do that! I could just do that, couldnt I !!
They tell me I shouldnt spend our hard earned money on feeding people at the reception and buying drinks. We have bigger priorities for our money like the children and home.
We are not wealthy, but think we can run to a buffet and hall reception..

I think my dad helps fuel it, I think they wind each other up tbh.

thegreylady Thu 07-Feb-13 12:44:10

Just do it.Invite them and tell your dad you would like him to walk you you down the aisle but if he doesnt want to it would be beautiful to go down with two dc on either side smile
Your mum sounds unhinged to me.

LoopsInHoops Thu 07-Feb-13 12:47:11

Do you think they might be suffering from agoraphobia?

beaker25 Thu 07-Feb-13 12:55:31

Lotsofboats, I feel for you. Currently having some similar issues with my DM and my wedding in June. Originally, she wasn’t going to come and I did worry about telling people about it, and worried that it would look weird. I ended up just being honest with people and saying ‘yes, DM won’t be coming, she’s a bit bonkers and she doesn’t want to.’ Everyone I told was lovely, shocked, but really supportive and lovely. I’m sure the same will be true for you when/ if the time comes for explaining.

DM has now changed her mind (for about the fifth time) and will be coming, but we’ll see about that!

I had worried that people would judge me and assume that I hadn’t invited her or that I’d made her feel she wasn’t welcome, but no one seems to think that (or they didn’t say it to my face if they did!) I don’t know if that’s something you worry about?

A thing I find is that lots of people have opinions on how things between daughters and mothers and families in general should be, and people can seem a bit judgemental of that if you can’t conform to the norm for some reason. It can be difficult as there’s such a big deal around mums and daughters and weddings. I’m glad your partners family are more normal though. My DPs family are also normal(ish) and have been massively supportive even when my own family are being nuts. Support through your DP and family is a massive help I think, and I’m sure they will help you have a lovely day. Good luck!

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:57:11

LoopsInHoops - I think it a huge mental problem, thats got worse over the years and she needs medical help. I am thinking perhaps I should call g.p. but dad supports her in any behaviour and she presents quite well, until you scratch the surface.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 13:06:34

beaker25 Thank you for sharing that with me - I am not alone! smile
Yes I am feeling all those things you say, and my partner is horrified by it all.
I think because its our wedding I dont want to be explaning this madness to people and for it to become gossip on our day, and for her to have that influence iykwim. I hope people will be understanding. I am pleased to hear your carring on and I feel more and more inclined to as well!

But it wouldn't become gossip on the day. I typed out a long reply to you earlier on the thread but then didn't post because I felt it was too personal to me. But, basically, my DM is also very religious and has issues about many things including marriage. I was just upfront with DH's family from the beginning, and any friends who may come into contact with her, and just say, please excuse my DM but she's bonkers and a <insert name of religion here> and it's always been fine. People won't gossip about something that is out in the open. Besides, they'll be more pre-occupied with your wedding. Her views will not in anyway reflect on you!

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 13:26:41

Thank you BaronessBomburst. I think I may now wish I hadnt put all this out. I am finding it horrible to read it all back, in black and white. Its actually real, and time to admit it to myself and deal with it. I guess that means apologising for and excusing her. I think thats another of mums little gifts to me, always thinking I am being judged .. smile

beaker25 Thu 07-Feb-13 14:01:40

lotsofboats glad it helps! My DM sounds v similar to yours from what you've said. I’m sure people won’t gossip on the day. I was also worried about this though so I started telling close friends ahead of time so that they wouldn’t wonder where she was on the day. In a way, I’ve found that very helpful, as a lot of my friends had no idea about the relationship between us, because I’d never said. People have been very supportive, now they know, and I kind of wish I would have been up front about it sooner. It is hard to start with though, telling the first couple of people was very hard.

I think sometimes you try and push these things to the back of your mind and pretend everything’s normal, but an event like a wedding really brings it out in the open. It is difficult, but keep talking and sharing with people.

Does she have a diagnosed mental health problem, and is she in the system in anyway, i.e. is her GP aware? (Don’t answer that if you’d rather not!)

Oh, yes - the always being judged! People will look at you if you do that; people will notice if you eat another biscuit and think you're greedy; everyone will think you're a horrible little girl; people will think you're dirty because your nails need cutting...... there was always something that everyone else in the world would despise me for.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 14:46:33

I cant tell you both how much it means to know I am not the only one dealing with this sort of crap -
Age is teaching me more confidence and that in turn is showing me how messed up things really are!
I love my parents and this behaviour is heartbreaking - but want no more of this in my little families life.

Greensleeves Thu 07-Feb-13 14:52:55

I think you should go ahead with your plans and make your wedding day the happiest it can be for you and your dh

Your mother will either decide to swallow her bile and come to support her daughter, or she won't be able to and will miss out. This is sad but it is not your fault and not your problem.

You are doing nothing wrong. Your dad's comments are totally irrelevant as his only motivation is enabling your mother - he is making his own life easier. Also not your fault and not your problem.

Easier said than done, but you need to detach your own emotional state from your mother's behaviour. See your wedding as a marker of a new chapter - cut the strings once and for all - she is using them to control you and make you miserable. You have your own family. If she can't behave like a human being then she can't be a part of it. Her choice.

Greensleeves Thu 07-Feb-13 14:53:49

(can you tell I cut contact with my mother a few years ago? Life began at that point...)

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 15:28:59

Thats very helpful Greensleeves. Its not my fault ! Thank you! You are totally right about my dad, I can see that clearly now. How awful.

Pigsmummy Thu 07-Feb-13 17:48:00

Get married, your way, they don't have to come

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