AIBU or is my daughter?(178 Posts)
DD has a very heavy cold and is feeling rough. Grandson aged 9 months is also poorly with a cold. DD expects me to go to hers and look after the baby while she is feeling crook and I would be happy to do this but a I have a dog who isn't used to being on his own for long periods.
My DD lives approx a 1.5 hours journey from me ( by train and bus). I would need to leave home at 8 to get there for 9.30 and leave again at 1 to get home for 2.30 leaving the dog for 6.5 hours. My son-in-law gets home around 5. I asked why he couldn't have a few days from work but she said he wouldn't get paid if he rang in sick and only has 20 days holiday per year.
She was being quite arsey on the phone and said I put the dog before her and GS. I am really not I love them both to bits. I said if she could manage to drive over she could go to bed here and I would care for DS but she said she felt too ill. She out the phone down on me without saying love you like always and I feel really bad. AIBU and should I just leave the dog? My husband would be mad if I left the dog (he and my daughter don't get on - he's her stepdad) and I do realise I am pathetic.
It's not your job to look after him.
Yes she feels shit, but that's not your fault.
1.5 hours by train and bus is a big ask regardless of the dog.
You aren't pathetic. She's upset because she feels ill but she is not being fair.
I agree with Nagoo, yanbu.
Not sure if this is a stupid question or not... but couldn't you just take the dog with you??
And YANBU anyway, she is asking a BIG favour.
no yanbu, I don't have parents both dead before children, in laws 8 hours drive away, i have to suffer on and get on with it I have DT and it is not easy, it would be great if you could help but you do live a long way away.
if you lived 5 mins up the road I would have sympathy with your daughter, as in dog over Gc but even so I would still say she is unreasonable,
Dad should take unpaid leave or annual leave the pathetic "he only has 20 days" is stupid I have the same I keep 5 n hand for child care emergancies evry year and take them the last week in March if not used...remember bank holidays are extra to holiday, so that still 3 total weeks off for family time in the year, he needs to get organised.
She's got a cold. She'll be ok. YANBU but she is for making you feel guilty.
YANBU at all, we have all been ill and wanted to go back to bed for a few hours but when you have a child and no family nearby you just have to get on with it.
If its just a cold I'm sure she can have a couple of PJ days, chuck cbeebies on the TV, microwave some soup for lunch and get her DH to cook and do a bit of housework when he gets in from work.
A three hour round trip is a big ask, especially for "a heavy cold". I might do it for D&V, but even the heaviest cold I have ever experienced would not make me ask someone to put themselves out to that extent.
You can do whichever you want, but you sound like you're torn between pleasing other people. Can't your husband look after the dog, if you actually want to go? You're not saying that you're not allowed out of the house for a 6 hour period during the day, as a once-off, because your husband would be angry?
If you lived round the corner then it would be different but if she expects you to get buses and trains there and back then YADNBU to say no. Also, don't think the dog thing is a poor excuse - if they're not used to being left alone, you never know what sort of mess you're going to come home to! I could understand if she was seriously ill or disabled but having a cold is not a good enough reason to make you feel so guilty. If it's that bad, she should insist her DH stays at home for a couple of days.
YANBU to not go because it's not convenient to you, but YWBU if your husband's reaction is playing any part in your decision. He chose to marry a woman with children (adult or not), he has to deal with what that entails.
YANBU. She is being pathetic TBH and needs to grow up.
If you lived round the corner and she weren't being arsey then i would say maybe YWBU not to pop round for an hour or two. But a 3 hour round trip is a lot for a bit of a feckin sniffle.
Yanbu she needs reminding its a cold and nothing more.
I'd be pissed off if I'd raised such a selfish individual tbh
Tell her to stop being so pathetic. Its just a cold ffs. Its not flu, d&v or anything else. We all have colds, and we all suck it up and make do of a bad situation. Chances are the drama llama will br fine tomorow and you would have wasted your time making such a long travel.
YANBU. It is rubbish being ill and having to look after a child, but that's what you sign up for when you have one. She's being a bit childish herself, if you ask me. And no way are you being pathetic - pot and kettle, perhaps....
Does the dog stop you from doing other things you would like to do?
Is it your dog or your DH's dog?
Well everyone has already said my thoughts on this. I had no parents when bringing up my children, no inlaws and no close friends nearby and when i had a flu and couldnt really get out of bed I still got up, dosed up on painkillers and gave my kids breakfast and took them to school then spent the day on the sofa until it was time to pick them up. Fed them then back to the sofa. My husband works for the emergency services so he could not take time off either. So flu, colds or whatever you just get on with it dont you. Your lovely daughter is behaving like a spoilt child here making you feel guilty but to be honest, you have been a parent and done it all yourself havnt you. So now its her turn.
Yabu. That journey is a normal commute in many places, take the dog or leave him for a while/ ask your husband to look after him (and check that anger about you leaving the dog).
Your dd needs you and you could be able to help if you so wish, what a gift!
I always think it is rather odd when pets can't be left. My dog is fine on his own for several hours in the garden if we need to do anything. He gets a long walk before we go out, plenty of water, food & stuff to play with. A kennel, pillow & blanket for his comfort. He is DH's dog really, but being home I am the one who "leaves" him to his own devices when I plan stuff. I would slap dh if he even thought of getting mad at me for leaving him for a while. I am not a bloody dog sitter!
FWIW I can remember having a little baby & feeling rough. If someone could have come to take my little one while I rested/slept I would be over the moon. People here say "oh she has a cold, she'll be right" but they don't know how bad that cold is, how good/bad a sleeper the baby is, how much the baby cries/is clingy etc during the day. Perhaps your daughter isn't sleeping well & with the cold she just feels spent! Has little/no energy to do much for herself. I can understand what is is like to want your mum & her not wanting (not saying that you are not wanting)/not being able to come home. I feel for her, and I think she is being bashed unfairly here. She wants her mum to help her & make her feel better. So I can see why she thinks the dog is more important.
I think if you can offer some help, and you want to, you should. Sod the dog, sod your dh (I don't care that they don't get on, she hasn't HIM to go up there). You do sound like you want to go, to be honest. But you sound more bothered by what your dh will say/do if you leave the dog. That is pathetic, sorry! You are a grown woman. Stand up to him.
If you don't want to go & help her, well that's another matter.
Yanbu its your call to make a top whether or not you want to help her. It would be lovely to do so, but sibu by demanding you help her. Her ds is her (and her dp's) responsibility.
Buy if it is just that your dh would give you a hard time you might want to think about why that bothers you.
Dogs can be left, I can't really get my head around dog people though.
Your DH sounds like a twonk.
Your daughter is sick and could use her Mum's help. Honestly? My Mum (as would my MIL). I would go for one of my children.
It is just a dog. So it might get a bit bored and lonely for a couple of days. Who cares?
That should read 'My Mum would come (as would my MIL)'.
Yes, that's what I think, differentname and Morloth. My other post was focusing on the "I can't possibly leave my dog for 6.5 hours on a special occasion as my DH hates my daughter" bit. But really 9 months is a tough age for this stuff. You can't plonk them in front of the TV, they don't nap that much anymore, if the baby has a cold it tends to want lots of cuddling and walking the floor and soothing (at least mine did! it was a nightmare trying to care for DD2 at that age without leaving DD1 to fend entirely for herself). And the OP's daughter has a "rough cold", not "a bit of a sniffle".
Are people really saying that it's selfish and lazy to want your Mum when you're feeling really sick and in sole charge of a baby?
"Pathetic, arsey, needs to grow up, just a fecking sniffle"
Would you lot even listen to yourselves? How awful you all are.
she hasn't asked HIM to go up there
I can't imagine how I would feel if I called my Mum for help (even for something not very serious, but just to give me a hand) and she responded with 'I can't leave the dog'. I can't imagine it because it just wouldn't happen.
You don't have to go, obviously you don't. But she was not unreasonable to ask, you are her Mum and she is unwell.
Just because people can manage on their own if they have to, doesn't mean they should if they have family who can help them out.
If it's a new dog or a dog that has literally never been left alone for a long time, though, they can be a bit unpredictable. If they need the toilet and they don't know when they can expect to be let out again, you'll end up with a mess to clean up, and some dogs can be go a bit mental and knock things over and basically trash your house if they start to panic that you're not coming back. Obviously, when you get a dog, you should get it accustomed to being left alone for reasonable periods of time to avoid these things when you do need to go out, but if OP hasn't done that then obviously it's a bit late now.
If OP is only reluctant to leave the dog because she's worried about what her husband might have to say about it, however, then that's another story. He can't expect you to never leave the house, and he definitely can't expect you to choose dog-sitting over taking care of your daughter and grandchild, however badly they get on.
I agree Tortoiseonthehalfshell, some of the names the dd has been called, just for asking for some help is ridiculous!
My MIL would be here in no time if I needed her. Even when my dh took a week off work to look after me post op (tubal ligation) MIL cooked meals & bought them over. It's helping out, it's what families do.
I'm not getting why the OP's DH doesn't look after the dog for once.
It's a dog. . As long as it's got shelter, food and warmth, it will be OK.
I would walk over hot coals for my DC. (as would most people).
I don't think there is anything wrong with asking your Mum for help, even if it is just the sniffles.
You get back what you put out.
My Mum recently fell and broke her hip and has been in and out of hospital for the last few weeks. There has not been a single day when she has not had at least 2 visitors. We took the kids there on Christmas Day because she couldn't be at home with us. My MIL came over early to cook Christmas Dinner in my stead so we could all go and have a visit/some presents with Mum and then home for lunch and visiting with the rest of the family. No-one did any of this stuff because we had to or because anyone expected or demanded help, but just because we are family and love each other.
angels yes the dog will be fine, I was thinking more about the OP and her house if it shits on the floor or knocks over her ornaments or something, if it's never been left alone before
What is your dh worried about when it comes to leaving the dog alone, OP? Does he seriously think it needs 24/7 company? Or is he just trying to stop you going out or spending time with your daughter?
Meh, lock it in a bathroom with a couple of water bowls, some food, a bed and plenty of newspaper down.
It won't be happy, but it is a dog.
What has happened to dogs?! Is like helicopter pet owning!
Morlorth I was saying the daughter IBU because she got arsey. Nothing wrong with asking, but if the other person says they can't then you have to accept that. Especially for a cold, they're going to have a cold in the house every other week during winter for the next 5-10 years.
Yeah, but there is background isn't there? The OP mentions that the StepDad and the DD don't get on.
And the OP said she couldn't because of the dog that is pretty crap, as I said, I have no idea how I would react if my Mum said that, because she just wouldn't because I am more important than the dog. Of that I am 100%, the DD here isn't sure of that is she? No wonder she is arsey.
Why can't the OPs husband look after the dog for the day? Does he want to split the OP from her DD and GC? Sounds odd to me.
it's a 3 hour round trip though?! I wouldn't ask the, because of I did my mum would do it, we live a similar distance apart.I've had flu and struggled on, yes families are there to help, but she's not there really is she? She's an hour and half away,I'm all for putting a rocket up daughters husband to take a day off?!
Even the long trip was put into terms about how it would inconvenience the dog, not that it would be a hassle for the OP.
Shrug, Mum would come. If I called her and said I wasn't well and either of the DS's wasn't well. She would come. Would I ask if I didn't really need her? Well no, but she would definitely come.
There was a tussle between the women in my family over who was going to fly to London from Sydney for a few weeks to look after me when I had DS2. I guess we all view these threads through our own experiences.
agree with Morloth. she is your DD, and 1.5 hours really is not too long of a journey time . go, and enjoy the time with your DD and DGC. it does sound to me as if YABU to worry more about the dog than your child. can you put him/her in kennel overnight or with a friend and go for a couple of days? (ie to make the journey more worthwhile). also your DD might be getting upset due to past history with your DH? at times of being ill / tired these emotional histories always rear their heads. it sounds as hough she is sensitive to the thought of not being important to you.
a lot of the posters here sound unkind. I too don't have family near me but my dad recently travelled ~250 miles ie ~500 mile round trip for a couple of days to offer emotional support when was knackered with DD1 (no cold, just exhausted!). didn't ask him to but that was the lovely thing, didn't have to. also consider your DD may have other things going on and be hoping for the chance to have a good chat with her mum.
It would depend on whether your daughter is in the habit of ringing you up to come and help out, or if she only phones if she really needs your help. She might feel really crappy and need you there.
I remember once feeling so ill I could barely drag myself out of bed, I had a baby of a few months and a 2 year old to care for, and quite honestly I just wanted them to go away! I rang my husband in tears, who immediatly rang my mum, who came to look after the kids whilst I went back to bed. I couldn't have coped that day without her, but didn't want to bother her so didn't ring.
You know your daughter, do you think she really needs you?
As for the dog, its a dog, I'm sure it will be fine for a few hours, and your husband's reaction shouldn't even come into the equation.
Do you ever go and see her for the day or would it be unusual?
If it weren't for the dog would you go?
my commute to work is an hour and a half each way. I would go and help, personally. I have been ill with a baby and it is tough. Otherwise you are just attachment parenting the dog!
Do what YOU want. Don't let your H push you around. Did you want to be a full time dog-sitter, or agree to his when you got it?
Many people, myself included, have done that sort of journey on a daily basis, no biggie. YANBU, but in your place I would go.
I think YABU.
Your daughter phoned and asked you for help and you arent going because your husband doesnt want the dog left alone.
Nah. If I was your DD I would be fucked off too.
I was 3 months pregnant, I had a 13 month old baby, I had flu, my husband came down with flu. One phone call and my parents who lived 2 hours away were with me in less than 3 hours.
YABU. I would have been devastated if my mum had refused to help because of the dog. I really don't understand your priorities.
So, I take it you'll never be wanting help from your daughter either. You'll both just do your own thing? Weird to me.
You should do what you want of course, and daughter will be fine. I can see why she feels put out if she always comes after husband and dog though.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
YANBU to not want to leave the dog and make this journey just because your daughter has a heavy cold.
However I am getting the feeling that the family dynamic is affecting your daughter's behaviour. It's reasonable not to want to leave a dog alone because its a bad idea. It's not reasonable to base your decision on your husband's anger levels.
Dogs should not be left alone for longer than 6 hours
She has a cold
She is a mother
Like many of us she'll just have to get on with it unless you decide to take the dog with you
Just give her the choice- you can come but will bring the dog.
This is the daughter you got into debt for buying large baby items on your catalogue? The debts you paid off using your engagement ring? The daughter that calls you a 'bad nanny' for smoking in your own home, and never around your grandchild?
I'd stick with the dog - its more loyal.
Why does your daughter want you to get her cold? I'd actively discourage visitors if I was sick.
What BoundandRebound said. And LtEveDallas.
Sounds as if it's the men at fault tbh!
I think you are BOTH unreasonable. (that is a first for me)
Your dd needs to toughen up, it's a cold!
You need to stop allowing a DOG rule your life.
I do agree that the dog shouldn´t be used as a reason.
But hey-OP can say no, can´t she?
Even if it was easy for her to do?
And when she gets ill-who´s going to give up their day(s) to look after her & the dog??
Lost both my parents in my twenties ore children.
In laws are thousands of miles away.
So perhaps the above makes me a bit of a softie.
There is nothing (certainly not a dog) that would stop me attending to my daughter (currently due in two weeks time) or my DS (2.5) if they rang me u and said they were I'll and needed me. I would be there like a whippet. My mother would have done exactly the same for me.
My parents and in-laws wouldn't hesitate. A neighbour would look after my parents' dog - although she can be left for the span if a working day. I can't imagine mum not coming if I asked, but then I'd have to be very ill to not be able to cope and DH would have to have something very important on at work not to take time out to help.
YABU putting a dog (or any animal) before a person, especially your DD and DGC.
Your DD sounds like she just wants her mum but probably already knew that you would put DH and DDOG before her.
BoundandRebound, where does this 6 hour figure come from?!
"but then I'd have to be very ill to not be able to cope and DH would have to have something very important on at work not to take time out to help."
Yes to that!
I´m sure if OP really wanted to go she could/would.
From PP, it seems like there´s a back story.
Perhaps that´s the reason OP isn´t leaping into action.
Yanbu, tell her to man up!
Currently have nurses visiting me at home as have pneumonia exhastrabated by asthma and here I am looking after my children.
Dreaming, from OPs first (and only as always) post. She says she will be out of the house for 6.5 hours.
I think she must be feeling desperate to ask. If you can find a way to go eg ask a neighbour to let the dog out in the middle of the day; then you must go.
I'd go and leave the dog. I'm sure it will be fine for a few days. I'd want to go and help my dd. Thats what you do for family.
Having spent the last couple of days since Saturday in bed with terrible flu, literally unable to get out of bed, I can sympathise with op's DD. You're sure it's just a "cold" are you, or is that interpretation to make you feel better about your decision?
Having said that, I think it's her DH who should have time off to help.
But you can't blame her for asking. The dog would've survived.
Sometimes you really can't "just get on with it."
I've had dogs that would have ripped up carpets and chewed through doors if suddenly left alone for that length of time - they don't often arrive fully trained and used to being left alone.
Besides it'd be 3 hours travelling to spend 3 and a half hours there - it's not really much of a help is it.
Can you not take the dog and stay overnight, or get your son in law to drop the baby off at your house?
If I was feeling rough enough to have to ask someone to help and they refused because of a dog, I'd be so hurt that I'd reconsider our whole relationship. You said that your daughter accused you of loving the dog more than her, but you said you loved then both to bits, implying equally... I just can't get my head around this - loving your child, and the mother of your grandchild, as much as you love a dog.
If I was feeling rough enough to have to ask someone to help and they refused because of a dog, I'd be so hurt that I'd reconsider our whole relationship. You said that your daughter accused you of loving the dog more than her, but you said you loved then both to bits, implying equally... I just can't get my head around this - loving your child, and the mother of your grandchild, as much as you love a dog.
It's not normal or kind to put your dog ahead of your daughter and grandchild. Though I suspect it is actually your husband you're putting ahead of them. It is grim feeling ill when you also have an ill baby and in any caring family, relatives would want to help out. Fuck knows what's wrong with the people who think your daughter is being unreasonable, but I'm glad they're not in my family.
I am hoping this is a reverse thread. If this is the first time she has asked she probably took a long time before asked you as she knows how far away you are.
Your daughter is reaching out for some help - and nery heavy colds can be horrendous - and you tirn her down for a dog.
Agree completely ^^.
I feel so lucky to be part of a family where people automatically help each other.
I agree with Morloth
I have been battling with a really heavy cold for over a week, it's floored me, I'd need some help if my son was a toddler.
I'd take the dog or ask a friend who lived near me to help me. I understand that a dog can't really be left all day, but your daughter's feeling like death warmed over and she wanted your help for a few hours. If there was any way at all to make that happen, I would.
Oh FGS she has a cold, tell her to get on with it
Yanbu to say no because the travelling is too much, you dont think she is ill enough or really needs you.
Yab vvvvvvvvv U to say no if it's because you think the dog needs you more than she does, if she feels too poorly to cope with baby. Yabu if you are reluctant to go because of your husband's reaction.
Sorry ignore my
stupid answer, I'm not feeling well myself and projecting.
This is how it started with my mums last boyfriend, I was I'll whilst pregnant and she wasn't allowed over as in his words "she got into this mess" it ended up with him trying to ban her from my daughters birth and calling every 10 minutes when she visited as he didn't want her here. It almost ruined our relationship for good. Is this a one off? Or does he stop you going over a lot? I know if I needed it now my mum would be there, even if it was a cold because once she got rid of him she saw how much his moods affected her decisions!
I think without knowing the people involved, it´s a hard one to call though-obviously!
OP might always being saying no because of the dog.
Op might always be saying no because she doesn´t want to help & is blaming the poor dog!
Daughter might have a habit of making things out to be worse than they are & OP has had enough.
Daughter might be entitled/ungrateful.
Not wanting to leave you're dog alone is a rubbish excuse IMO, but needing someone to look after y
**Not wanting to leave you're dog alone is a rubbish excuse IMO, but needing someone to look after you and your son because you've got a cold is even worse. Yanbu.
If the daughter and her baby have bad viral infections then I think the the daughter is being rather selfish draggiing a well granny round to look after them. Kids with bad colds cry and sleep alot, not sure what granny is expected to do here. Put the baby in the same room as the mum and they can both be miserable together. Take paracetamol and regular fluids.
I agree that the OP being reluctant to leave the dog because her husband will get upset about it is reason for concern. Women shouldn't be scared of their husbands. If this was an emergency I'd hope she would stick the dog in a kennel for the day of get her husband to look after it rather than say no. This isn't an emergency though it's just the sort of thing that happens to most families a couple of times a year. Spreading the germs and misery is just mean. If the daughter had 3 kids some of whom were uninfected and charging round the house energetically I could see the need for granny (or husband that's what annual leave is for) but not for one immobile baby thathas the same virus as the mum and can just be snuggled up next to her.
If my mum left her dog alone for that long her house would be a wreck, she takes the dog with her or doesn't go, she went to my sisters (after much pressure) and the dog managed to get out of the kitchen and rip open the sofa and pull up the carpets. And it's all very well saying "why can't your husband look after the dog" maybe he is you know at work like the daughters partner and not willing to take the day off work to look after a dog, like the partner won't take a day off to look after his child.
And it's all very well saying "why can't your husband look after the dog" maybe he is you know at work like the daughters partner and not willing to take the day off work to look after a dog, like the partner won't take a day off to look after his child
Very good point indeed.
It's a joint dog though, why should the partner who doesn't work never be able to go anywhere because she is tied to a dog?
This is why I'd never want a tying animal like a dog, it's like having a toddler again but at least toddlers grow up.
A three hour round trip is a big ask, even if you didn't have a dog you were reluctant to leave. I think your daughter's expectations - that you should help, rather than you might - are unreasonable.
Is it though Rebecca? My house is currently overrun with animals. My husband, whilst not cruel, is not the animal lover I am. I volunteer at a local rescue and take on emergency foster care when they can't get anyone else - sometimes the foster animal stays (I'm a bad foster mum ). DH sighs and puts up with it, as long as I am the one that does all the caring.
Maybe DH in this case never wanted a dog, but OP got one anyway?
No one is mentioning husband here. Why can't he drive his wife and child to the mothers and leave them there and get them when she is feeling better. Seems an all round solution. If he does it after work then he has no time off either.
So-it´s not that the dog can´t be left-but that husband would be cross?
So what would he do, OP?
Really, it´s up to you.
But I can´t see that it´s acceptable for the daughter to rubbish her own mum for not going over when the child´s own father cba either!
Is this really about the daughter being pissed off that in general OPs husband comes before her?
The OP said her husband would "be mad" if she left the dog though which seems an OTT reaction to me.
Spending 3 hours travelling just to have 3 1/2 hours looking after a baby that may well be asleep for most of that is just silly however.
It sounds as though the OP needs to accept that by having a dog she can never leave she has to some extent prioritised the dog over other aspects of her life, many dog owners do this though.
I like animals, but I like them to be free and in the wild, I don't like animals as my dependents.
My mum came and did this for me twice, similar journey, but only when DH and I both had norovirus. For a cold it seems a bit silly, but the dog thing is a red erring IMO. It's a dog. Do you never go out? Ever?
Where do people get these mental dogs? And why?
I suspect that the OP is scared to defy her husband. No one in their right mind refuses to help out for a day because of a dog.
It is a COLD!!! My Mum lives about 4 miles away. I would never consider calling her to come and look after her GD because we both had A COLD!!
For a start, as someone else has said, I wouldn't want to pass it on to her and really if you can't cope with a cold, I would be very worried how you would cope with D&V going through the household or something similarly horrid in the future. Unfortunately, as much as colds are horrid, you can dose yourself up, snuggle down and just doze when baby dozes.
For those of you that don't 'understand dog-people' dogs are part of the family. Even more so if your DC have flown the nest (or maybe not in the case of this person ). Dogs cannot always be left for long periods of time. Depends on what they're used to. If you are with a dog for most of the time and then suddenly leave them for 8 hours, there would almost certainly be a 'mess' when you get back (toilet related) and the dog could get really really distressed. If they have been regularly left for long periods, they may be more used to it but I don't think it's the case with this situation.
IMO, and that of the Rescues, dogs shouldn't be left for more than 3 hours at a time. They get bored, destructive, nervous and needy etc. A nervous dog can become a snappy dog in the blink of an eye. That's being a bad owner. Dog will also need the loo at least once during those 6 hours, so unless OP want to come home to puddles (or worse), someone needs to be around to do that alone.
I'm not going to diss the OP for not leaving her dog alone for 6 hours when that actually makes her a good owner.
Yabu! My mum would be there no questions asked. I would also be there like a shot for my dd. yes you are putting the dog first!!
Ignoring the posts relating to background story of the daughter's behaviour and taking this purely at face value, I think YABU.
Sorry, but refusing to go because of the dog and because you're worried about making your husband angry is awful.
Why can't you take the dog with you?
Why would you allow your husband to limit your contact with your daughter?
A boyfriend of my mum's tried to do this with us. I was pregnant and very ill, he banned me from their house (which was actually her house, where I had grown up) and text her constantly throughout the day if she visited me asking when she was coming home. Fortunately she booted him out before long and the man she's married to now has happily driven her on a 6 hour round trip so she could come over & help out at other times I've been ill.
Still don't know why the OP can't just take the dog along too.
I got my mental dog from a pound, because he was mostly lovely.
Mine was as bad as he was because of his history - he was picked up as a stray at about 8 weeks old, rehomed, they brought him back at about 16 weeks because he'd grown too big and then he was in kennels at the pound for nearly 3 months before I took him. It took about 18 months of work before he stopped trying to eat his way out of the house when left alone - but then for the next 11 years he was great and well worth having to be cautious about leaving him for a while.
Most dogs aren't that extreme, but they prefer company and you have to get them used to being left, not just vanish and hope for the best. You need to build up to it a bit.
There is obviously history/back story.
But I don't understand people that put animals before people, more importantly, EA husbands/partners before their children [even if adults]
The husband sounds more of an issue than the dog TBH.
I would say that in this situation, I would go and help out, and take the dog along too.
If my daughter said 'you can't bring the dog' I'd say 'then I cannot help'.
If the dd wants a favour, then she should be prepared to compromise. It is true that it is bad patter to leave a dog alone for so long. They are not people, they are pack animals and they do not like it. It disturbs them.
As I said though, I think the real issue is that the OP is worried about her dh's reaction.
I would be upset if I was your daughter because:
- she doesn't get on with stepdad and stepdad would express this by getting annoyed at mum helping out. Presumably this is not the only time.
- mum doesn't stand up to stepdad (presumably to keep the peace in their house). Also probably not the first time.
- her husband won't or can't take time off when she needs help.
No you have no obligation to help and I sympathise about the dog as I wouldn't want a dog left alone for that long either.
But she is feeling low and must feel like no-one gives a shit.
Is there any other help you could offer to give her a boost?
Where's the OP gone? Please come back and answer some of the questions!
If I phoned Mum and asked for help she'd be here like a shot. 3 hour drive each way. She'd bring her 2 mad dogs and they would play in the garden/be shut in the kitchen if they were bugging us.
Posters who struggle on with pneumonia, while I am sorry you are so ill without support, in lots of families the support comes automatically. It doesn't mean the daughter is necessarily being unreasonable or pathetic. It's just the way their family works. I
We don't know enough
Maybe op was allowed to get the dog on the condition that she made sure it didn't trash the house
It may be perfectly reasonable that he would get so pissed off
Ops daughter seems to have form. Maybe he and the daughter don't get on because she's a brat and he hates seeing her treat her mum badly
We don't know but the above could be as true as some one of the other assumptions made in this thread
Thing is we don't know what her ddi is like..if she's easy to over dramatist thingsor not.
For me I would have to be pretty bad to actually ask for help. But my patents are close by and tend to know when to step in and do a school run have us over etc.
Byte I know people who have a cold and raw at the doctors every day with a cold or make out things are worse than they are.
I think it's a reasonable request. I'm going to judge her by my own standards and say my mum helped out when I was ill on the odd occasion, and my mil has too. On those occasions I really did feel dreadful. I think the dd is probably feeling pretty fucked. Unless there's form for it, I doubt she would ask unless she felt it was warranted. I wouldn't, so that's what I'm going to assume for now.
No-one ever helped me out with a sniffle of course, but a bad cold can lay you out. Some of them are evil.
I'm totally working on assumptions just now Tom. Wish the OP would come back and fill us in.
I would go and help her and agree with others who have said similar. No way would a dog be the reason for not going to my dd and gc. They would absoultely come first.
I was similary ill once; pregnant with just horrendous 'morning' sickness and dd1 was a toddler. My parents took her for me, they were happy to do so, and I was beyond thankful to them. It's what families do. Well mine does..
But if you can't take the dog, for whatever reason, what do you then do?
I think its ridiculous she would expect you travel 3h in one day in order to care for them when they have colds, even if you were free.
On top of that, you have your own commitments (the dog) and cannot drop everything to rush to her bedside.
Well if there was absolutely no-one to look out for the dog I'd put him in a kennels for a couple of days.
I wouldn't dream of asking someone to travel 1.5 hours each way on public transport just because I had a cold! It's a cold. Not flu. If I had proper flu or D&V, then yes I'd ask but I'm not so selfish as to think that the world revolved around me and my sniffles.
And my first port of call would be my DH in this scenario. If the DH doesn't want to use one of leave days to care for his sick wife, I'd say the OP's DD is directing her anger at the wrong person.
mmm...I think there are a lot of conflicting viewpoints on this one.
nor would I, Dahlen. Which is why I would think that the daughter is feeling really really REALLY shit. It's a big thing to ask your mum to do a 3 hour round trip to come and help you and something that someone would only do if they were feeling so bad that they honestly couldn't cope.
Of course, this rather relies on them being a reasonable person. So if my assumption that they are is incorrect, then yes, it could be a sniffle. In which case she needs to just get on with it.
The dynamic in my family though is that if you've asked it must be pretty bad and all stops would be pulled out to help no matter what the inconvenience.
My parents with me (and me with my own dc) have always promoted the keep going/ try to help yourself approach but there are times when that's not going to work so asking for help is just fine.
If it was for every little thing I'd be . I guess every family is different in where that line is drawn.
Agree with Dallas and tabular. Obviously in an emergency you leave the dog and take the consequences. However, a heavy cold isn't an emergency.
A better solution would be for husband to drop baby at grandmas before work - maybe this could be done tomorrow?
Wish the OP would come back and fill us in
Unfortunately Pictich, it seems OP has form for posting and running. I can't see any thread where she has actually returned. She posts a moral/midly contentious OP and doesn't come back to it.
This one has all the right ingredients...
I think that the character of the dog makes a huge difference. My dog can be left for hours upon hours with no problem. He just sleeps and if he needs the toilet, my husband has trained him to go on the tiled floor in the bathroom (I've no idea how he did this ). But I frequently look after my neighbours dog as she can't be left for more than a couple of hours. She gets distressed and then wrecks the place. There is no way I'd trust her alone in my home.
That said, when I have Destructor-Dog and I've needed to go to my daughter's (she live about 1.5 hours away) I take the dog with me, which means Panda-Dog gets to go too.
Think there is more to this than your DD is poorly. Your H would go bad if you left the dog, or if you went to see your daughter? Either way, rather concerning.
I've traveled 1.5hrs before with my DS to help a friend who was poorly. So I don't think the distance is a big deal. If her P isn't willing / able to take time off work, she's felt like she can't cope, and so has called you, can understand her being upset when you put the dog before her. I would feel the same.
Well I´m not sure if it´s putting the dog first, putting the husband´s wishes first/being frightened of the husband or just not wanting to do it & making up an excuse tbh.
I´m also not sure why the OP should have ill daughter & GC in her house either!
And might I suggest dog starts to get left to get used to it?
Otherwise OP-how do you ever go anywhere with your husband?
If my mum left her dog alone for that long her house would be a wreck, she takes the dog with her or doesn't go If my dog was likely to destroy my house when I left it, I would not be staying at home to make sure it didn't happen! The dog would be in the garden/crate/kennel!
Bloody hell, letting an animal's behaviour dictate your life!
The dog would be in the garden/crate/kennel
What, for 6 hours? Hope you haven't got a dog in that case.
Yanbu if the scale of the journey is the problem and she isn't that ill.
I'd be cheesed off with a dog used as an excuse.
If she is v ill - eg d&v, bad pain or flu then ywbu not to go if you have the time free.
Anyway - treat her as you want to be treated imo
Thanks for all your replies. My DD wouldn't let the dog into her house and even if she would the dog is not used to public transport and sometimes we have been refused getting on the bus (driver's discretion). OH didn't want a dog initially but I kept on and we bought a small flat with a garden and I gave up work. He loves the dog and I think its his substitute for children (he has never wanted them). He has been really good in the past (took my Mum in when she was suffering from Alzheimers) and she lived with us for 5 years and believe you me it wasn't easy. Mum has now gone into residential care. I think he would like it to be just me and him and I try to juggle the underlying issues between OH and DD. I know he resents her as she can be difficult (I have to take the clocks down when she comes as she cant bear the ticking noise) and she she can be very bossy but I have got used to brushing it off but it really annoys him when she has a go at me. He says why should he take time from work when DD's OH wont. So I suppose its not all about the dog. The dog has never been left for more than 3 hours and I realise that this is a mistake I have made but when Mum was here I couldn't leave her for long either so it wasn't an issue. I just wish we could all get on. He can be very moody if he doesn't get his own way (as does my DD) and I'm stuck in the middle trying to appease both. So, yes, I suppose I am being unreasonable not to go - I'll get it in the neck whatever I do. I am a pathetic wimp.
Your DD should have got over herself and not even asked in the first place.
Last weekend I was ill in bed, more than a cold and I looked after my 3DC as my DH works in his own business and can't just close to come home. My Mum lives 2 hours away and no way would I call her to come and help.
Your DD should never have asked but as she did she IBU for being arsey at you saying no. She is a parent now and it is hard work but you just get on with it.
If you'll get it in the neck whatever you do - no problem! Now it's equal either way and you get the deciding vote based on what YOU think you should do.
So it's your dh you are putting ahead of your sick daughter and dgc, not the dog, super, I'm sure she'll feel much better once you explain that...
I think your daughter is BU.
Parenting is not all plain sailing and she will live through a cold. Plenty of people go to work with one!
Re: the dog, we have one and we arrange for a dog walker to come in in the middle of the day if we have to leave her, or he does day boarding from home which we've done once on a long day trip. It's helpful to have someone in place for these occasional things - we don't have any regular agreement with the guy we use, it's all ad hoc and works very well.
Doubt I'd shell out for him to help someone with just a cold though!
The dog has never been left for more than 3 hours and I realise that this is a mistake I have made
Not a mistake, you are a good dog owner, someone who cares about her pet and is treating it correctly.
He says why should he take time from work when DD's OH wont
He has a point. Why should he indeed?
it really annoys him when she has a go at me
I get wound up when DSD shouts at my DH, and she's only a teenager. I don't blame him for being annoyed.
So, yes, I suppose I am being unreasonable not to go
FWIW I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
(Oh and thanks for coming back, I didn't think you would, and said so up thread. For that I apologise )
You're not a pathetic wimp, you've said yourself you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Ignore both of them and take the dog out for a walk is my advice
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
But what LtEve says makes more sense
I can understand why your dh is unwilling to take time off work when your son in law won't. After all, even if he did, you'd still have to travel for three hours - your daughter's husband (I assume) lives with her, and probably knows more about caring for his son and his individual preferences and little tricks for getting him to sleep, etc, than you would. Of course it would be a pain for them if he only has a small amount of leave or his boss isn't very understanding, but these things happen sometimes. Like I said earlier, if you lived across the road then I'd say do it, but three hours on public transport is a lot to ask when she could just insist her husband stays at home for a day or two.
YANBU at all. She can ask you but you can say now and then she IBU for being arsey.
It is a 3 hour round trip for you regardless of the dog. You can still love her while expecting her and her DH to take responsibility for their own family.
It does not sound life or death in any case, just a bit tough for her.
I agree with Agent - take the dog for a walk!
I love my mum dearly and she would do anything for me but when it comes to caring for my child, the FIRST person who should step up is my husband who is father of my child and equal parent to me.
It is alot to ask but as a non dog person the dog reason leaves me baffled if an adult DC needed me I would go. That said its rather unfair of your daughter to ask you to go so far if its just a cold and her DH could do it I would only ask for help if in extremis and properly ill - not a cold.
I got flu - real flu - the week after DH did. He had already had nearly 2 weeks off work so couldnt take time off to help with DD (then 9 months). I literally couldnt look after her and my parents were backpacking round India and didnt feel I could ask friends. In the end I rang my aunt my lovely uncle drove 1.5 hours picked us up and took DD and I back to their house in the country for a week. Thank god!
No you are not pathetic-sounds as if you are trying to juggle two adults who both think that they should always come first to you.
You have a child & your husband needs to understand that she is important & you will want to see her/be in contact -and your GC, of course!
It will never really be just you & him!
And although you will want/be able to help out at times, your daughter needs to realise that you will not always jump when she clicks her fingers now that she´s an adult.
Perhaps you need to stand your ground a little more-with both of them!
As for the clocks-does it make her ill?
If not-stop pandering!!
My mother is the same distance from me - I've just been really sick and have two small children. I did not ask my mother to come and help as I wouldn't dream of imposing on her like that. She DOES come and help out sometimes but neither she nor I think that she should be obliged to look after me or my children - and she loves us all very, very much - of that I am sure and she wouldn't like to leave her dog either! Your dd was probably grumpy because she feels horrible - don't be manipulated by that.
OP. you're getting a flaming and I'm not sure why. The dog notwithstanding asking someone else to make a 3 hour journey for a cold!
OMG - if I 'had a go at my mum' she would probably slap me one.
But... I would never ever even think about having a go at her.
She should be respecting you and not having a go. You need to make sure you don't accept that behaviour in the future. I am quite old though!!
I can remember having flu a few years ago when DD was about 3 and there was no way I could have looked after all day.
I had to drive her to the childminders for the day. I was in absolute agony. To even press down on the clutch was torture and I cried all the way there and back. Is she really that ill? Could she really not drive around to you and have you look after them at yours?
If it's a risk her driving then obviously not.
YANBU by the way - 3 hours travelling on public transport - No thank you!!!
If she was that ill her OH would be home with her, simple as that!
She is being pathetic. She's a grown woman with a child and a partner and has had a strop because her mum won't come and look after her?! I admit I had assumed before your second post she was a single parent.
YASNBU. If she has a cold she should grow up and look after her child like everyone else does. If she is too ill to look after him, her partner should come home.
if the reason you cant go is the dog or DH then YABU. If its because its too much for you (journey times, looking after child all day etc) then thats your call.
I cant comment more than this because everyones family dynamics are different and should be respected- some people cant/dont rely on their family for anything (like my DH), others would travel for 6hrs each way just to make someone a meal if they needed it (my family)
But i would get very upset it my mum said that she cant come to help me because of a dog
I don't understand why she isn't allowed her own life tbh. If the daughter was seriously I'll then yes, but why does she have to keep her schedule clear in case her 'adult' daughter gets a cold?
Ill not I'll damned autocorrect.
I would help my DD out, no question.
sod the dog.
I've only just seem this thread,
OP YANBU and I don't think your OH is either. Okay, resenting your DD isn't good, but he shouldn't be expected to bend over backwards either.
I know it's tough dealing with DCs when you have a cold, I also know it ain't the end of the world. You are not pathetic at all, don't let anyone make you feel that way. Re the dog, I'm sure plenty of people would say YWBU to leave it all day long just to look after an able bodied adult with a cold, and another adult in the home.
Wouldn't dream of asking anyone to travel the distance you have been asked to travel for anything other than a geniune medical emergency, unless I was inviting them -with- dog for the weekend. Neither would I rearrange my fixtures and fittings for visitors. There is such a thing as being a good guest, as well as good host.
No, don't feel guilty. You don't live close to your daughter, and she does only has a cold.
If you do want to go to her, can you stay over for a night, so as not to have to do the traveling twice a day?
I don't really think yabu. My Mum would do it for me and i'd do it for my children but nobody would expect it or be angry if we couldn't for whatever reason.
Isn't it a statutory requirement that people have 28 days leave a year? Not necessarily relevant as YANBU about not going to look after them, but maybe your DD's partner should mention it at work.
I understand, I wouldn't leave my dog for longer than 4 hrs max
which has raised eyebrows from some on occasions BUT would you consider a dog sitter or walker?
YANBU. 3 hour roundtrip is too much to ask in a day. Maybe would be different if you could stay overnight.
shemademedoit Thu 07-Feb-13 06:49:36
"Why does your daughter want you to get her cold? I'd actively discourage visitors if I was sick. "
This. Colds are often much worse for middle-aged/older people to get over. I wouldn't want my mum around if I had a nasty cold which I might give to her.
Also it seems there is back story here, if the OPs OH has constantly been irritated by a dd who bosses her mum (making her take clocks down in her own house) one can see why he is short on sympathy.
Yanbu to say no - but if you can't leave the dog for more than 3hrs, do you ever visit your dd and dgs?
I really don't think 1.5hrs is such a long journey.
I know my mum would do it - reading this has renewed my gratitude.
Well if she won't have the dog in the house, then you couldn't go.
I am definitely NOT one of those dogs = babies fruitloops, but the fact is, many dogs DO become distressed being left alone for hours on end, and part of being a responsible owner is to accept that responsibility. Having a dog IS a huge undertaking.
If the dd wants it all her own way with no compromise or concern for her mother's responsibilities then she can do one.
Goingback - my understanding is that includes bank hols, so 20 days + bank hols is the norm.
I disagree with those saying it's just a cold btw. I am suffering from a heavy cold ATM, I have a 5mo, have been sick for a week. It has hit me worse than norovirus a couple of months ago. At least that only lasted 3 days. A week of little sleep while looking after ds and feeling ill is really torturous. If my mum could help I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask. Also mum has dogs and leaves them occasionally for longer than that, they are fine.
Yanbu to say no, it's your choice what you do, but it doesn't sound very kind. If I could do it for someone, I would.
That's weird, I read the first page then he last, but appear to have completely missed the middle of he thread. Apologies. Ignore me if what I've said is irrelevant now!
Guidance on maximum hours a dog should be left alone from pet welfare organisaions here
No longer than 4 hours, in summary.
Reading this I am not sure what I think.
I had flu, single mum, no one else to ask, and I asked my mum to help with my baby (around a year old then), she refused even though she lived less than an hour away. Being reminded of it still makes me hurt. I was so sick I could hardly stand up and just had to put dd in front of cbeebies all day as I could do nothing. Of course dd wasn't happy with this.
Splash......but you coped didnt you.I know its hard when your unwell but we all feel like we could do with some help but we cope the best way we can. Thats what I did as my parents live in Australia and inlaws lived 8 hours away. You just get on with it the best you can. I was more fortunate than you as I wasnt a single mum and had my husband but he works shifts but he was there to help when he wasnt at work. The OPs daughter has a husband also. I really feel its so very unreasonable to put the OP in this position. Her husband and her dog are her priorities now. She has raised her children herself and probably done a very good job and it is now her turn to enjoy her life and relax a bit and she shouldnt be made to feel guilty because her daughter cant cope. And her daughter has no right to cause tension between OP and her husband. Its just not fair. Grandparents are not there to be used at your beck and call, they are not daycare providers nor always available babysitters. They have hopefully a long time left on this earth but it is now their time to relax after all their hard work childrearing. Yes Im sure she would help out a bit if daughter lived closer and would enjoy helping but she doesnt live near. Its just a cold and who would look after her mother if she got the cold or worse. Would the daughter travel every day to help the mother and look after the dog and walk it and feed it? I dont think so.
BTW Splash....that whole post was NOT directed at you. Just the first line or two. The rest was just my general ramblings. To be honest I think all single parents should be very proud of themselves as they cope alone with everything and its got to be one of the hardest jobs in the world.
Isn't there someone who can walk the dog for you?
it sound like she has flu by the way and not a cold to be that desperate for help.
By having a dog and insisting you are there all the time to look after it, your hubby is controlling you.
By having a dog and insisting you are there all the time to look after it, your hubby is controlling you
Eh? RTFT Yfronts. The dog is the OPs - the husband didn't want a dog in the first place. Hardly controlling to insist she is responsible for something that she wanted.
Op, YANBU. It is not reasonable to expect you to do 1.5 hours on 2 forms of public transport, especially when you can only stay for a few hours anyway.
The point is that your DD's DP should be the one taking a day off of work. Who cares if he loses a day's leave. It sounds like he's the prick in this scenario.
No he´s not unreasonable in that way.
We have a dog on the grounds that I look after it-but my husband will step in when necessary-as in a case such as this.
Although of course, if husband would need to leave work so that dog could be looked after so that OP could go to her daughter whose husband won´t take time off...
Maybe the DDs DH can't take time off?
OPs first post says
"I asked why he couldn't have a few days from work but she said he wouldn't get paid if he rang in sick and only has 20 days holiday per year"
Same holidays as OPs DH I expect...
If you can't leave the dog do you ever visit your grandchild?
If the DD's DH work is anything like my DH's work they don't even get the statutory holiday entitlement and if they phone in sick they don't get paid and generally the bosses are arseholes.
Its only a cold she has - I wouldn't dream of expecting my mum to come and help me when I had a cold for the reason that mums always takes a cold worse than the germ spreader and why would I want to make her life miserable?
Yes, thankfully I do get to see my grandson quite regularly. DD still of maternity leave and comes once a week and my OH doesn't mind me going to her place and staying overnight on a Fri or Sat. Thankfully Som in law came home early from work and had the baby all afternoon, evening and through the night. DD feeling a bit better today. Although still feeling guilty and have told DD I will do my best to help out next time she needs me by either leaving home early afternoon and staying overnight and leaving very early next morning. After reading some posts I really don't want her to feel second best. Very upset with OH as he told me he hated her - think he does realise if push came to shove he would be second best - I am being 100% honest and think the majority of mums would out their kids first (whether they are reasonable or not) because mother love is the only true love at the end of the day IMO.
But your daughter is an adult.
She can´t expect you just to jump when she wants.
You both have your own lives now.
... majority of Mums would put their kids first
I think your OH is the problem here, what do you mean he says he hates her?
Your dd was being unreasonable, but I do understand where she's coming from, my mum did come over quite a few times (slightly shorter journey, about 45 min either way) to help when I was ill. She didn't get sick though, I don't know why everyone thinks a fit 50 year old would get sicker than a young mum whose immune system is shot through/exhaustion after birth (I had sooo many colds after my children were born, it took about 5 years to get my proper strength back) and a tiny baby who is going to get tonnes of colds whilst immunity builds up.
It would be nice to be able to help out if you could, so perhaps planning what to do with the dog/staying with them would be kind (although obviously not obligatory). Your husband sounds like he won't like this though.
She's being unreasonable to ask you to help if she really does just have a cold but you're being unreasonable to use the dog as your excuse. I suspect she'd be less pissed off if you had just said no rather than saying you had to be back for the dog. When you visit her do you often leave to get back for the dog?
I ask because my parents are always fretting about the dog, my mam's not even nice to it but she won't ever put it in a kennel or leave it for more than a couple of hours so if my parents visit me they come seperately. On my wedding day they left early "to get back for the dog" and they don't take the dog with them because "he hates the car". Not saying you're like that by the way! Just that I can understand why she may have got a bit arsey!
She´s not a "kid" though, is she?
Perhaps your husband doesn´t really hate her but rather the way she treats you.
Why do you feel like shit for not going over when she has a cold & a husband who was able to help?
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