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AIBU to be angry with nephew for joining EDL?

(49 Posts)
lilly40 Wed 06-Feb-13 22:57:31

Just saw on Facebook my 22 year old nephew has joined the EDL. I'm horrified, embarrassed, angry and really disappointed with him. I've been an anti racist campaigner for years now. I'm in a mixed relationship, and have children and one on the way. My nephew is currently borrowing my sons laptop. AIBU to want it back and not want him spreading his messages if hate in it?

TheFallenNinja Wed 06-Feb-13 22:58:18

Yanbu. Get your stuff back and cut him off.

FannyFifer Wed 06-Feb-13 22:59:10

Go get your laptop back from the racist little prick.

SirBoobAlot Wed 06-Feb-13 22:59:44

Nope, get it back, and tell him exactly why.

Picturesinthefirelight Wed 06-Feb-13 23:00:25

YANBU. Bunch of nutters I've seen the aftermath if one if their marches

manicbmc Wed 06-Feb-13 23:00:47

Get it back. Tell him he's a twat. And make sure he hasn't put any nasty racist crap on it.

Cassarick Wed 06-Feb-13 23:01:26

Get your laptop back. But - he is entitled to do what he wants and join what he wants. It's called 'freedom of expression'. Just because he doesn't agree with your choices should not be an issue.

ravenAK Wed 06-Feb-13 23:01:42

What they all said.

toomuch2young Wed 06-Feb-13 23:02:49

Yes YADNBU.
See above!!

timidviper Wed 06-Feb-13 23:03:01

I think young men of 22 are less mature than we expect them to be (and I speak as a mother of one of similar age). He may not have fully thought through the implications of this.

Do you know him well enough to meet him and talk about it? I would tell him you are not happy having your laptop used to potentiate this hate. Ask him how he thinks horrid groups like this make your family feel? Take it back if he doesn't back down and apologise

Educating him is better than conflict if you can.

yaimee Wed 06-Feb-13 23:08:09

I know that this sounds an obvious and silly question bit have you checked that its the English Defence League that he's joined, there are a few fairly recent parodies of the EDL, English Disco Lovers/League is the main one and I think it has more likes than the real EDL.
Just a thought, if not yanbu!

lilly40 Wed 06-Feb-13 23:10:41

I've spoken to my nephew many times about racism we've suffered as a family and how racist groups spread that hate. I really though he understood my viewpoint. He moved up here from the countryside after getting in with the wrong crowd. I put him up for some time and really helped him out. He's now living in Hemel Hempstead and last time he visited us he was complaining about polish taking all the jobs there and I had to speak to him about his views. He knows full well how I feel about racism. More so as I wasn't even born in this country. I was born in Australia and came here when I was a small child. So I'm a foreigner taking jobs from him too??? Don't know how to feel and what to say further to him. He doesn't know I've seen what he's joined yet.

Bakingnovice Wed 06-Feb-13 23:22:28

Yadnbu. Edl are a totally vile group.

Sadly, more and more people are starting to think they are an acceptable group. Get your laptop back and tell him how you feel. We live in very scary times.

Writehand Wed 06-Feb-13 23:28:13

YANBU. But I think timidviper's educational, gentle approach might bear the most fruit. (See how I got the word viper and fruit into the same sentence? Would you Adam and Eve it?)

When you say the wrong crowd, OP, what exactly do you mean? Curious.

CuttedUpPear Wed 06-Feb-13 23:32:39

You might be intersted in this great FB group and website which is trying to displace the EDL in google searches.

It's called the English Disco Lovers and if you like them on FB and visit their website you'll be helping to spread the love, not the racism.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Wed 06-Feb-13 23:33:39

YANBU.
I agree with what others have said though. Young people often get caught up in big movements, but don't stop to think about the individual people. If you can talk to him about any EDL and what they say about you and your family. He might genuinely have not thought about it that way.

yaimee Wed 06-Feb-13 23:36:28

Ooohh, another English Disco Lover! waves

fridgepants Wed 06-Feb-13 23:37:29

My oldest nephew has been coming out with massively racist comments since he realised how much it annoyed/upset people, and while I knew people as a teenager who did that (we live/d in a very racially divisive area) he still in his twenties does unpleasant impressions or talks about 'bombing the n*ggers in Afghanistan'. He is - his mother says the same - not very bright and didn't bother (as in didn't actually turn up) getting any GCSEs - the bullshit far right parties peddle about immigrants taking our jobs is perfectly designed to hook people like him in who are in low-paying jobs and frustrated by it. He has voted BNP and been proud of it; second time he was prouder for not voting.

I feel pretty angry and ashamed when I'm round him as I don't really want to listen to the kind of poisonous shit he believes in, but also I feel massively sanctimonious for pulling him up on it, particularly when other relatives don't want a fight to happen. It's really hard to know how to react, I sympathise. His mum has gone back to study after being a SAHM for a while and is taking sociology - maybe she will explore this with him when he's next home. (There are frequent periods where he is persona non grata in their household, possibly also down to 22 year olds being immature pricks at times. Currently it's asking his brother for bank details to pay back a cash loan and using them to set up direct debits without permission.)

CuttedUpPear Wed 06-Feb-13 23:39:02

Disco grin

FamiliesShareGerms Wed 06-Feb-13 23:41:02

YANBU

Latara Wed 06-Feb-13 23:44:12

YANBU - the EDL are just a bunch of racist thugs. I would be upset too, definitely.

MechanicalTheatre Wed 06-Feb-13 23:44:24

Go and get your laptop back off him and explain to him why.

YADNBU

YANBU. At all.

EllenL82 Thu 07-Feb-13 00:22:34

YANBU, definitely. It's true you can't police people's thoughts, and people have the right to have their own views however unpleasant, but that doesn't mean they have the right not to be challenged. If somebody holds extremist views on anything, they have to expect that most people will have a strong reaction especially with regards to bigotry. I would take the lap top back, absolutely; he's old enough to know the implications of his beliefs and consider the impact on you and your family.

DizzyZebra Thu 07-Feb-13 00:35:13

YANBU to want to fetch your laptop - His actions make you want to distance yourself, and generally when we distance ourselves from a person we don't leave that person with high value goods of ours.

He is entitled to his own beliefs, no matter how bad they are, and all you can really do in that respect is try to explain to him why his actions have hurt you and what they say about him.

ll31 Thu 07-Feb-13 01:39:10

He's entitled to his beliefs , not just beliefs you agree with.

PessaryPam Thu 07-Feb-13 03:50:20

ll31 He's entitled to his beliefs , not just beliefs you agree with.

Exactly so. And the OP is entitled to ask for her laptop back. It's up to her if she doesn't want to have anything to do with her nephew. He may very well not approve of her too.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 07-Feb-13 05:43:38

So he's borrowing a laptop from the mixed-race son of a foreigner? That should be embarrassing for him. Food for thought, or discussion, if you can bare it.

HollyBerryBush Thu 07-Feb-13 07:12:19

FWIW, when the National Front was in its heyday in the 1980's I knew plenty of mixed race West Indians who were members.. I never quite understood that.

Skiffle Thu 07-Feb-13 08:02:12

Well of course he's "entitled to his beliefs", in the sense that you can't and shouldn't physically suck these thoughts from his brain. But you are equally entitled to tell him how repulsive his beliefs are.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 07-Feb-13 10:37:01

YANBU. I think this is one of the few things
I couldn't tolerate from someone close to me. Agree that you ought to retreive the lap top and explain to him why.

DialsMavis Thu 07-Feb-13 10:50:50

Please check whether it's the English Disco Lovers or the vile EDL. I was shock angry when I glanced at FB the other day and saw loads if my friends joining EDL until I realised. wink

ouryve Thu 07-Feb-13 10:52:47

Good grief! YANBU. Get that laptop back and then tell him why. Check out the hard drive carefully before you give it back to your DS, too.

seeker Thu 07-Feb-13 10:54:11

He's 22! I don't buy this "oh, he's only young" thing. 22!

StuntGirl Thu 07-Feb-13 10:57:57

He's entitled to his beliefs,

Equally you're entitled to not have anything to do with him.

I would absolutely cut out a friend or family member who joined an abhorrent group like the EDL.

EasilyBored Thu 07-Feb-13 10:59:46

Get your laptop back and cut contact. He can believe whatever vile racist crap he wants, but that doesn't mean you are obliged to listen to it or speak to him ever again.

Does your nephew have a job or is he just looking for work?

Either way, it might also be useful for you or his mum to have a word about how public he's making his declaration of joining the EDL if he's put it on Facebook, where potential or current employers can see it.

On one hand, it might be good for them to know what he's actually made of, but it won't exactly help him in the jobs market.....

lilly40 Thu 07-Feb-13 13:33:23

My nephew works full time and is also training to be an SIA security guard. I can't imagine them welcoming anyone with those views! Unfortunately his mother holds UKIP views which we've argued on and just don't talk about anymore, so I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
I agree that at 22 he is not too young to be ignorant of how abhorrent having such views are. I will get my laptop back I just don't know what on earth I'll say to him. Right now I'm just so disappointed and bloody angry with him! It also makes me wonder what he thinks about my relationship and has he been harbouring ill thoughts towards my partner and I? Grrrrrr

gordyslovesheep Thu 07-Feb-13 13:35:55

LOVING English Disco Lovers grin

YANBU

The security services monitor hate groups who are active online and on the streets. Another good reason to get your laptop back pronto.

RoomForASmallOne Thu 07-Feb-13 13:40:42

Thank you for English Disco Lovers link grin

OP YANBU

Hopefully your influence will help him cop on.
Good luck.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 07-Feb-13 13:51:18

EDL is quite a distance from UKIP - some long way and then the other side of the BNP.

MechanicalTheatre Thu 07-Feb-13 14:13:08

People that are going on about his age, COME ON! He is 22 years old! If he was 12, maybe.

OkayHazel Thu 07-Feb-13 16:45:27

hang on a minute! ask him about it first, make sure its not of his mates winding him up.Last week my aunt rang me because she thought id come out as a lesbian after my flatmate took the opportunity after id left my account logged in! grin

lilly40 Thu 07-Feb-13 18:11:07

There is no way a mate of his could have logged into his account! Consider also his comments on polish coming here taking all the jobs. It's the age old adage of 'I'm not being racist..... but'
He's an adult who knows exactly what he's doing. Sooner I get my laptop back the better. He won't take kindly to it at all and I'm at risk of falling out with my sister because I'd it too! He's had the laptop for almost a year so he could have bought himself one by now. But I feel he he's taking advantage of our kindness a bit, knowing that its not really missed!!

MummytoKatie Thu 07-Feb-13 23:30:08

Qq as something has just occurred to me and I don't want to go on the EDL site as that will up their traffic .

If it is the English Defence League does that mean they disapprove of me and dh? (I am English, he is Welsh and we live in England.)

Bloody hell, he's in Hemel and is freaking out about there being too many minorities?! It's mostly white english here as far as I've seen! Bloody idiot.

lilly40 Fri 08-Feb-13 10:34:49

EXACTLY!! Hemel is mostly white english and he's moaning! Just goes to show how far his hatred lies really doesn't it! I've not plucked up the courage to speak with him yet. I live about 13 miles away from him and would need to arrange to drive up there and arrange to meet him. I wouldn't tell him over the phone I was coming to get the laptop. I'd just say I was coming to meet him and then tell him face to face. I think I will tell him why I'm taking it and stuff the consequences. I've been so good to him and feel totally betrayed!

lilly40 Wed 20-Feb-13 07:30:15

Have asked for the laptop back and he was pissed off. I have a flimsy excuse over the phone and will tell him face to face the reasons.
Spoke to my eldest son who's laptop it is, by firstly asking if he knew what EDL are. Bless him, he knew what they are. Told him his cousin has joined and how angry its made me. I'll get the laptop back this weekend.

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