Boyfriend never buys me anything or surprises me with anything

(69 Posts)
Moreece Wed 06-Feb-13 13:42:01

Been together just over 6 months and he's never bought me flowers or chocolate. Never. In fact, he's never really bought me anything. He's on a good wage and has few outgoings. I mean, I'm not expecting a car or designer clothes or anything but he literally never buys me ANYTHING.
Even when we've had an argument where he was 100% in the wrong he briefly said "I'll get you some flowers, I know I've been a dickhead" - the flowers never materialized.

I passed my exams - nothing.

I'm currently ill and he's not got me so much as a chocolate bar.

He kind of upset me the other day. He said he'd noticed that I never wear jewelry and asked if I had any. I said I have a few bits and pieces but just tend to wear them when I'm going out. So he said "really? has nobody ever bought you a ring?" - err no but thanks for that, way to make me feel like shit, I mean - I'm hardly going to receive one from you anytime soon am I, you can't even get me a bloody chocolate bar when I'm ill.

Do guys just not do this stuff anymore?

Do you buy him lots of stuff then?

OrangeLily Wed 06-Feb-13 13:44:55

Hold your horses you've only been together six months. Money doesn't buy love surely?

Although nothing for Christmas? My DH got me nothing but that was discussed before hand??

madasa Wed 06-Feb-13 13:45:03

When you are unwell what does he 'do' to help you?

ethelb Wed 06-Feb-13 13:45:30

My DP rarely buys me stuff. Because generally I buy my own stuff because I earn.

In fact sometimes I do buy him things, but not often, because he buys his own stuff as he earns too.

How old are you?

firesidechat Wed 06-Feb-13 13:46:17

Betty - you beat me to it.

WorraLiberty Wed 06-Feb-13 13:46:20

Some people have no care for material things so sometimes they just literally forget that other people like presents.

Do you buy him much?

valiumredhead Wed 06-Feb-13 13:47:04

You've only been together 6 months!

I'd rate kindness and a cup of tea over flowers any day of the week personally.

Naysa Wed 06-Feb-13 13:47:10

do guys not do this stuff anymore?

Do you buy stuff for him?

He's under no obligation to spend money on someone he's been with for 6 months. I think it's a bit worrying, and spoilt/materialistic that you're getting upset about it.

Is he nice to you? Does he spend time with you? Give you his affection?

I don't know why buying you things is a sign of how much someone loves you. hmm

SanityClause Wed 06-Feb-13 13:48:08

Some men do this, but apparently your BF doesn't.

Is he loving in other ways? If so, does it matter?

But if he is generally not a "giving" person, I would seriously think about the future of the relationship. This is the person he is. Do you want to be with him for the rest of your life?

valiumredhead Wed 06-Feb-13 13:48:12

I wouldn't expect flowers after an argument either.

wanderingcloud Wed 06-Feb-13 13:48:30

Weird that he didn't get you anything for Christmas?!

But other than that I wouldn't expect gifts or flowers in the first 6 months.

I got flowers when I gave birth to DS, it took that level of commitment and effort to get flowers from my DH. He does it quite a bit now though so maybe being a father has softened him or something!

KirstyoffEastenders Wed 06-Feb-13 13:48:56

My BF doesn't 'do' cards and he's never bought me flowers but he did buy me some lovely things for christmas. And a spontaneous and very unromantic pair of fleece-lined socks confused

My DH isn't huge on presents and surprises. The odd time he has done something lovely. However, when we were first seeing each other he made me a card. It was very strange (superhero themed Valentine's hmm ). Huge effort and thought though. Does your BF do nice things for you?

Welcome to my world - we are having a 'chat' tonight!
It starts well then fades to nothing.
Talk to him - he's a man and needs to be 'told'! You can't hint - they don't do hints - believe me!
If this is what you expect from a relationship then you need to talk to him about your expectations. He's not a mind reader.
If you aren't fussed about material things and gifts then try not to focus on it. Focus on the positives in your relationship.

valiumredhead Wed 06-Feb-13 13:50:31

Where does it say in the OP that the BF didn't buy her a Xmas present?

I can't find any comment that says he didn't get her anything for Christmas.

You have only been together 6 months.

Personally when I am ill the last thing I want is chocolate. I would rather have a bit of TLC and a nice cuppa!!

DistrictSleepsTonight Wed 06-Feb-13 13:50:44

I remember asking my ex to buy me flowers for our anniversary.

He looked surprised and said - "do you like flowers then? Because I don't see the point of them?"

If gifts bother you that much then speak up.

I've been in a relationship where I bought loads of gifts. We'd been apart for 2 months and I bought him a huge bag full of gifts - then a week later most of the gifts were still in the bag just toss in his cupboard. We broke up not long after and I'm not most of them ended up in the bin.

It made me realise that I probably wouldn't be so stupid to be that generous again so early in a relationship.

bigTillyMint Wed 06-Feb-13 13:51:29

I had an ex who liked to buy me presents and give me surprises.

My DH neverr does surprises and only buys me flowers (from the children) on Mother'sDay. He gives me money to choose my own presents.

I know which one I'd rather spend my life withwink

Having said that, I love surprises and flowers!

Flowers die and they are waste of money. Thats something me and OH both agree on. Give the guy a break. Some men don't do gift and surprises, others do.

my DH isnt a present buyer...i would be sad about that but he is a fantastic dad to our DD, works all hours so we can make ends meet (i work FT too) and despite the occasional rant (from me) about him not cleaning up after himself he is easy to live with all round...i dont need presents if we are happy together do i?

Did your previous partner buy you lots of nice things? how old are you? (genuine question)

MsVestibule Wed 06-Feb-13 13:55:35

Apart from Christmas and birthdays, my DH never buys me anything either. But I couldn't care less - he's loving, kind and considerate and that matters more.

Why don't you buy some jewellery if you want some? Of course it's nice when a loved one buys you special piece, but you can get decent necklaces and earrings for a tenner!

Nagoo Wed 06-Feb-13 13:56:38

I do buy DH things, a packet of wine gums, a nice beer or some wheat crunchies.

I would think that in a 6 month period I'd get a few little things to show he'd thought of me.

Maybe he doesn't get to the shops much?

MrsHoarder Wed 06-Feb-13 13:57:25

Well either he didn't by her anything for Christmas or she is exaggerating. Op, just tell him you get upset when he promises you something like flowers that he had no intention of actually giving you.

I wouldn't expect anything for exam passes, and as for being ill, what exactly do you need? Dh will always stop to get throat sweets but wouldn't go to buy me chocolates.

And he might have a lovely Valentine's surprise for you.

madasa Wed 06-Feb-13 13:58:55

I bought my DP some Billy Bear ham he has disgusting taste in food

purrpurr Wed 06-Feb-13 13:59:14

My DH doesn't do surprises or gifts. He's not demonstrative in a lot of other ways specified in women's magazines and romcoms.

As soon as he wakes up in the morning, he hugs me. Then whilst we wait for the toaster to do it's thing, we have another cuddle. He's the most gorgeous loving creature.

If I want flowers and chocolate, I buy them myself. If I want a hot bath, I run one. I don't wait around for him to suddenly decide to do these things.

I don't buy him stuff, either. I run him a bath occasionally. Sometimes I do random things, like I iron a bunch of his shirts in one go (I never iron his shirts) or other stuff.

I don't think a long term successful relationship needs Stuff. It's lovely if it happens, but it's not essential. At the end of the day, flowers die, chocolate gets eaten, it's the relationship that matters.

SaladIsMyFriend Wed 06-Feb-13 13:59:52

I don't understand this - why is he supposed to be buying you stuff?

DH hasn't bought me anything except for birthdays/Xmas etc. He never gets me flowers/choc etc. And he is a wonderful DH and a fantastic father.

My ex bought me a Prada handbag once - I found out later he'd been cheating on me for 2 years.

Stuff means nothing.

Stuff means nothing

Very true!! I had a friend whose DH used to buy her the most expensive things, treat her to weekend away etc etc....probably to hide all the guilt of the shagging around he was doing.

My DH on the other hand - well, we have been together 22 years and he has never bought me flowers. He gives me kisses and cuddles every day, makes me lots of cups of tea, is a wonderful husband and dad....worth so much more than stuff don't you think?

StanleyLambchop Wed 06-Feb-13 14:04:47

Kirsty Fleece lined socks???? I'd bloody kill for those, my feet are so freezing at the moment!! Romance is great but warm feet are better!!

Mind you, is he thoughtless re gifts or just tight? I couldn't be with a tight arse!

ENormaSnob Wed 06-Feb-13 14:08:21

So what have you bought him during the 6 months you've been together?

purrpurr Wed 06-Feb-13 14:12:09

Betty has a good point there. If he's just a tight arse, that's a different story. Is he a bit mean, OP? If you're poorly, has he said 'is there anything I can get you'? My other half would ask me that.

KirstyoffEastenders Wed 06-Feb-13 14:28:04

Stanley they are lush, big chunky knitted ones with soft fleece inside, they look particularly good with a satin chemise.

Kirsty they sound lush!!!!

MrsHoarder Wed 06-Feb-13 14:46:46

[snorts] at Kirsty

NaturalBaby Wed 06-Feb-13 14:49:17

My Dh never bought me anything, we've never been into tokens of love/flowers and chocolates. I didn't need him to spend money on 'stuff' to prove anything, I knew how he felt about me from the beginning.

axure Wed 06-Feb-13 14:56:23

What happens when you go out, does he buy you drinks or pay for a meal/cinema etc?

Mintberry Wed 06-Feb-13 15:04:47

Dump him and get a sugar daddy, then.

What a materialistic culture we live in...

StuntGirl Wed 06-Feb-13 15:05:51

Do you buy him things?

It's very rare that I get 'special' chocolates or flowers or anything, although I do tend to get bars of choc when he goes to the shops. And I got a Lindt bunny the other day. However my partner is ace and does lots of other nice things for me, so I don't need some romcom style showering with jewellery and flowers and fancy dinners out.

Dahlen Wed 06-Feb-13 15:11:05

Context is important here I think. It's important to know if he's tight with money generally or if he makes it up with actions rather than gifts.

I suspect (unless you are particularly materialistic) that his lack of present giving is reinforcing fears you already have that he is taking you for granted. In which case, look at the behaviours that have caused those fears to surface in the first place and ask yourself what you see him/you doing about those.

While many people in established relationships don't buy gifts for each other, it's fairly unusual not to do so in the dating stage, so I don't think the OP is out of order for asking the question, though she may well be wrong about its significance.

zlist Wed 06-Feb-13 15:15:50

I don't really understand why you need that kind of stuff but I'm not really into gifts. Some people are, some people aren't I guess. I don't think you can read too much into it.
I presume you have brought him quite a bit over the last 6 months? How does he react when you give him gifts?
I would much rather I had a partner who was kind and thoughtful rather than a token gift buyer. Someone who would mend the puncture on your bike without being asked...

nefertarii Wed 06-Feb-13 15:17:46

After 6 months you are arguing over him not buying you anything? I am hoping for a massive drip feed here because I don't think the boyfriend is the problem.

DonderandBlitzen Wed 06-Feb-13 15:20:32

Buy yourself flowers and be cagey about who they are from. grin Seriously, nothing whatsoever over xmas is a bit tight. Ditto a birthday.

StuntGirl Wed 06-Feb-13 15:21:22

Context is important here I think. It's important to know if he's tight with money generally or if he makes it up with actions rather than gifts.

Well exactly Dahlen. We don't have the kind of relationship that is littered with gifts. But my partner is kind and caring and shows his love in other ways.

For someone to be so het up about gifts they're either
a) materialistic and in the wrong relationship to get that, or
b) actually concerned about some wider issue the gifts (or lack of) are representing.

Someone I know insists that her Dp buys a gift every Saturday and gets upset if he doesn't. I don't know why but that makes me really uncomfortable. Poor sod, I think she must be very hard to live with. Dp never buys me a thing but I don't buy him anything either so can't complain.

kirstys23 Wed 06-Feb-13 15:29:46

I think everybody needs to go easy calling OP materialistic. She hasn't said she wants him to spend a ton of money on her, just demonstrate his feelings for her. I agree that there are loads of other ways to show somebody you care other than buying them things, but who doesn't like being bought things?!

My partner is considerate and loving and does buy me flowers (not expensive ones, just a bunch of tulips - my favourite) or a sweetie from the shop, or a bookmark, or the biggest butternut squash he can see in the supermarket!

I reciprocate and always try and be thoughtful. It's nice to be like that. It doesn't mean you are materialistic!

RubyrooUK Wed 06-Feb-13 15:30:30

I don't think I know many people showering their partners in gifts. Most of the people I know in good relationships are mainly just kind to their partners, which takes many forms.

So my DH in the first few months of going out didn't buy me flowers or chocolate. We both suggested nice activities we could do together or lovely places to eat, which we tended to share the cost of. We just had a good time together and I felt he enjoyed spending time with me (as I did with him), which after a few months was all I was looking for.

Now we've been together 11 years, we do less nice things together as we have children. And we still don't often buy things for each other. (If he bought something after every row, we would be broke grin).

But he still packs the dishwasher every day because I can't be arsed and I listen with patience to his work issues when he needs support.

I wouldn't be so focused on presents. I'd be more focused on the ways in which your partner shows he likes spending time with you, appreciates you and supports you. If he isn't doing those, that is a real problem.

Crinkle77 Wed 06-Feb-13 15:32:44

My boyfriend is a bit like this and he is not romantic in the slightest. When I moaned about him never once having bought me flowers he said 'what's the point cos they just die?' I just don't think that guys attach much meaning to stuff like that. But my fella is good in other ways. I don't drive and he runs me round everywhere. We don't live together but he will take me supermarket shopping and he will do anything else I ask. I think it is these little acts of kindness that mean more than material presents.

KellyElly Wed 06-Feb-13 15:47:36

What's all this 6 months argument? Some people get engaged/move in together after 6 months - it's hardly 6 weeks! They might be serious after that time. Also aren't the early days supposed to be the honeymoon period? If you passed some exams I'd at least expect him to get you a card and take you out for a meal to celebrate! If it bothers you, tell him. It just might not occur to him. If he hasn't bought you ANYTHING (as you say) e.g. a packet of crisps, a coffee, a drink, then he's a tight-arse grin

Friend of mine, in the relatively early days of their relationship (but not living together), had to go away with work for two weeks and when he got back, he brought his girlfriend a bouquet of flowers. Because he hadn't seen her for two weeks and wanted to show he cared.

Girlfriend's first words were: "What have you done, then?"

He'd done nothing and they have now been married 10 years. But he's never bought her flowers again!

EuroShagmore Wed 06-Feb-13 16:05:48

Boyfriends buying me stuff (outside of Xmas/birthday of course) makes me uncomfortable.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Wed 06-Feb-13 16:07:39

think its a bit too soon to be expecting stuff. Lots of people just don't think this way DH being one of them so that on the occasions when he does buy me something or organise something special its all the more special IYSWIM.

Pagwatch Wed 06-Feb-13 16:09:40

I get surprises . Little things which are lovely. And I get him things. If I see a book he might like or something.

But it should be mutual and spontaneous.

Dahlen Wed 06-Feb-13 16:11:26

When I"m in a relationship I quite often buy things for my partner. Just silly little things, never worth very much. Simply because I look at them and think "DP would love that" or "that's really apt for something DP is going to do next week" or simply "DP has had a bad day and this will cheer him up." Apart from one crappy relationship, this has always been reciprocated (but never expected).

I happen to think it's a rather nice of demonstrating that you're keeping someone in your thoughts. Which isn't to say, of course, that there are not other ways of demonstrating that, but in the early days of dating when you're first getting to know someone, aren't living together, can't put out the bins without being asked, etc., gift-giving is one of the simplest ways to demonstrate the fact that you care about someone and think about them often. I think the OP is getting a very hard time about this. It's not fair to compare her fledgling relationship to a long-established marriage/cohabiting partnership.

thesnowmanrocks Wed 06-Feb-13 16:13:47

Ive had flowers bought me 3 times in 11yrs!
Dh isnt in the slight bit materialistic. Its the little every day things that matter. As long as they treat you right and look after you thats al that matters.

Purple2012 Wed 06-Feb-13 16:45:54

My husband buys me flowers quite often. I often buy him little gifts too. He loves the garden and enjoys growing roses so I bought him a bunch of chocolate roses! We don't buy expensive gifts for the hell of it. We do it because we are being thoughtful. Although I don't think he bought me flowers until we moved in together.

We dont do valentines as we do the nice things all year round.

He is thoughtful in other ways too. And if he never bought me flowers again it wouldn't bother me. It's the day to day stuff that matters. A foot rub, shoulder massage, a kiss and a cuddle etc.

Pandemoniaa Wed 06-Feb-13 18:12:19

Do guys just not do this stuff anymore?

I hadn't realised they were supposed to. I'd honestly think DP had lost it if he suddenly started presenting me with gifts. Not because he is mean or ungenerous but because I don't want flowers for the sake of it. I'd rather live with a nice bloke (and he is) than I would need our relationship constantly reassured by presents. It all comes across as very fluffy and rather needy, tbh.

zipzap Wed 06-Feb-13 18:38:42

I was a student when I first went out with dh. One day he brought back some flowers and my first reaction was 'why, what have done?'

My housemates came in over the course of the evening and all independently asked him the same question grin

He was a bit hurt but later admitted that it was partly becauseif he ever did do something wrong and try to make it up with flowers, he didn't want to be accused if only ever buying me flowers if he'd dine something wrong grin

We've been together 20 Yrs, married for 9 and I very rarely get flowers these days! And if I do, they are more likely to be plants for the garden as I think cut flowers are a bit wasteful, would prefer them to last a bit longer!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 06-Feb-13 19:02:07

My H rarely buys me flowers. He didn't buy me any til we'd been together a year.

However, he cooks me meals, he goes to the trouble of looking up recipes of things that sound nice. He makes me cups of tea and tells me to sit down so he can wash up. He is a great Dad.

OP, that's what matters, not how many things he buys you.

McNewPants2013 Wed 06-Feb-13 19:32:56

Dh doesn't suprise me and i don't suprise him either.

we are not a gifty kind of couple

bugdem Wed 06-Feb-13 19:45:13

On the face of it I think you ABU. Although I'm single now, my ex was only ever generous when he had done something wrong. I would have preferred to forgo the holiday if it had meant he wasn't a total bastard! Having said that I couldn't be with a tightarse. It is nice when someone buys you dinner when you're out but I certainly wouldn't expect it!

Is there more to it than this? Do you feel insecure in the relationship in other ways?

ilovesooty Wed 06-Feb-13 20:10:20

Welcome to my world - we are having a 'chat' tonight! It starts well then fades to nothing.Talk to him - he's a man and needs to be 'told'! You can't hint - they don't do hints - believe me!If this is what you expect from a relationship then you need to talk to him about your expectations

WTAF? If I were a guy I think I'd run a mile.

Boomeringue Wed 06-Feb-13 20:23:32

Moreeece,you're taking the piss,surely?

Poor bugger that has to put up with you. Needy bore.

Smudging Wed 06-Feb-13 20:26:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

armagh Wed 06-Feb-13 20:29:36

Yanbu. It's nice to be appreciated. If he is tight RUN A MILE!

Do you ever buy him anything?

thecook Wed 06-Feb-13 23:26:37

OP You sound pathetic love. So you want a present for passing your exams? Pray tell me what exams these were.

fridgepants Wed 06-Feb-13 23:41:51

My DP bought me a Kinder Egg not long after we met, when I'd broken my foot and he came to pick me up. It was silly and made me laugh a lot more than a 'regular' or expensive gift would have done.

He didn't buy me anything for my 30th as a) we were on a longer-than-usual holiday as my present b) I couldn't think of anything I really wanted that wasn't so expensive that it was an imposition.

fridgepants Wed 06-Feb-13 23:46:48

On the other hand, I did go out with a tightarse. He wouldn't buy me a) paracetamol when I had a migraine b) cinema tickets c) let me have some of his fries when we went to a fast food place once and could only afford a burger as I was skint d) a curry when we went out with his friends and I was waiting on my student loan - I opted to stay home but he insisted I came and we shared his portion.

I would also be very wary of anyone who claims not to 'do' Christmas or Valentine's Day because 'they're too commercial and expensive'. That's usually code for 'I'm unimaginative' or 'I'm too tight to have a nice meal with people I like even if we don't buy presents'. There are probably exceptions - we don't bother with Valentine's really, and if we do it's making something together - but people who moan on and on about it make me feel a little bit sorry for them.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now