I want a second dog, husband doesn't.

(39 Posts)
Samu2 Wed 06-Feb-13 11:55:01

I am pretty sure that most would class me as unreasonable here.

Basically, I want another dog and my husband doesn't. I came across a pup I really wanted and he put his foot down. His reasons? he doesn't think we "need" another one and he doesn't want to make life more hard work for ourselves.

I would take full responsibility for another dog, I am here all day every day and trained our other dog. I would not ask him to do a thing and while I know another dog will affect him to some extent he wouldn't have to care for it. I know that he would love it anyway. I would love two dogs and I feel like this is the right time to do it when I can be here pretty much all day long and dedicate a lot of time to training.

We have a very good marriage but today we had a really horrible argument over it. He has put his foot down and said no, and no amount of discussing it with him will change his mind. In 7 years he has never put his foot down, I must admit that he probably compromises more than I do.. if I am being brutally honest, so he must really be dead against it.

I will have to respect his wishes obviously but am I being U for being really sad and really hurt with him? We rarely argue and I don't like feeling this way but right now I feel like a young kid who has been told no and perhaps I am just being a spoilt bitch, but I am really angry and resentful.

I want to try to forget it and move on, but I just feel so angry and sad right now and a stupid part of me really hated being told no. He thinks I need to grow up right now wink

magicrat Wed 06-Feb-13 12:14:10

YABU and sound about 10!

Paiviaso Wed 06-Feb-13 12:15:51

What are his reasons for not wanting a second one? Not "needing" a second one isn't really a reason, you didn't "need" the first either. Is his concern financial? Does he not like your current dog as much you as think?

I think he is BU to put his foot down with no reason, though if he has concerns obviously you should heed them. But he doesn't seem to have any!

Samu2 Wed 06-Feb-13 12:15:54

I haven't acted very maturely over it. I agree with that.

I still want two dogs though. Obviously it isn't going to happen but I can't help but very really sad over it.

valiumredhead Wed 06-Feb-13 12:17:21

YABU you already have one dog!

Samu2 Wed 06-Feb-13 12:18:33

Paiviaso.. he loves the dog we have, he spends loads of time with her and she even shares the bed with him lol

His concerns are not financial and the only reasons he has given is we don't need one and he feels it will make life more stressful even if I do all the care and training.

It'a s shame, not something you can really compromise on.

YorkshireDeb Wed 06-Feb-13 12:19:59

What are your reasons for wanting another dog - despite it being a good time to train one? Two dogs means twice as much food, double the vets bills, double the kennel costs if you choose to go away. Does your current dog show any signs of needing a companion? (I guess not if you're home all day). If not, it may feel somewhat pushed out by another dog in the household. Unless you have pretty strong reasons for wanting one I think you're going to have to back down. X

Samu2 Wed 06-Feb-13 12:22:54

I have backed down. I can't change his mind that much is obvious. It's just the sadness I feel over it that I am struggling with.

I guess I don't have any strong reasons for wanting one other than I enjoy dogs and love animals.

So I will back down and it won't be mentioned again and I guess I will get over it in a day or two.

fuzzysnout Wed 06-Feb-13 12:28:01

I agree with Paiviaso that he needs to give you a proper reason, two dogs really aren't much more work than one. YA both being a bit U not to discuss it more maturely but I can understand your view when he just wants to lay down the law.

Unfortunately you will probably have plenty of MNers telling you that YABU for wanting another dog because they are dirty, smelly, child eating fiends grin

ResponsibleAdult Wed 06-Feb-13 12:34:02

I have two dirty smelly child eating fiends. Old beloved dog died, younger dog was bereft with grief. Got a rescue dog to have as a companion thinking it would help.
They have encouraged each others bad behaviour, run off, won't walk to heel, pull on the lead, wind each other up. It is extremely hard work.
Don't get another dog unless he agrees, a dog is for life not just for Christmas. YABU, don't stamp your feet like Verucca Salt, oh, and it was my idea to get the second dog, a decision I regret everyday

Helltotheno Wed 06-Feb-13 13:30:14

YABU. It's like babies innit.. why should his desire not to have one (for whatever reason) trump your desire to have one (for whatever reason)?

Also, mainly when people have dogs, they occupy the same living space as the family so it's U and moot to say you'd do all the looking after, that's not the way it works.

YABU.

I wanted a second child....DH didnt......so we didn't have one!

Two way street!!

Helltotheno Wed 06-Feb-13 13:32:30

why should his desire not to have one (for whatever reason) trump your desire to have one (for whatever reason)?

That was meant to be vice versa... but you get the idea. It's just an impasse and you can't ignore his opinion. I suggest wait and say nothing and he might change his mind...

We got a second dog and it was basically shit, every part of it, never again. We had to concede defeat and give the dog to a new home (where she was v happy).

NatashaBee Wed 06-Feb-13 14:00:51

YABU. It's his home too, his is just as entitled not to want another dog in it as you are to want one. He obviously doesn't like dogs and it sounds like he's already compromised with getting one.

Treaclesmart Wed 06-Feb-13 14:43:57

I don't think you are being unreasonable if you can afford it both financially and it terms of time. It's interesting to hear a couple of people say it hasn't worked out for them though, we are in a similar situiation and i have daydreams of best friend dogs curling up together and keeping eachother company!

mistlethrush Wed 06-Feb-13 14:48:27

Why don't you see if he would agree to foster a dog - there are a number of rescue places that foster dogs out (some of the breed-specifics and MTAR do as I've looked at them recently). If he agrees, you won't 'own' the dog, but you'll be doing a really positive thing, helping with training etc so that the dog can go on and have a better chance of a permanent home... You won't get the vets costs and insurance costs associated with having another dog.

Samu2 Wed 06-Feb-13 15:41:54

Natasha.. the first dog was his idea! He got his dream dog and he loves her completely.

They are joined at the hip pretty much.

HildaOgden Wed 06-Feb-13 16:21:47

Have you thought about fostering for a dogs charity?It will give you both a proper feel for having a second dog in the house.It would be temporary,so he wouldn't have to commit long term.And it might take the 'urge' off you (or put the 'urge' on him,so that he is won around to the idea of a second dog).

Might be worth a try I'm totally on your side,I want a second dog too,I'm being out voted though

charlearose Wed 06-Feb-13 16:53:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5hounds Wed 06-Feb-13 17:03:14

Yanbu going from one to two (or in my case four to five) was easy. And the girls love each others company. I say go for it smile

digerd Wed 06-Feb-13 17:03:52

Ah, then he doesn't want to share his beloved's love with another dog, Perhaps?

IME a second dog ends up being four times as much work as one. They teach each other bad habits and rile each other up. As much as I love our second dog I wish we had stuck with one.

2aminthemorning Wed 06-Feb-13 17:51:15

I understand your sadness. However, having a second dog is a whole different ball game. I was like you, got a lovely first dog, trained her carefully, DH loved her to bits despite not having liked dogs before. Things were going so well, we thought we'd get a second dog. We didn't realise that having two dogs is MUCH more than twice the work of one dog!

To have two dogs without it taking over your life, you really need to be experienced, because dogs have a pack mentality when they get together. They are less inclined to listen to you and will be sorting out a pack order instead. Also, we found two dogs very noisy because they tussle so much. And they do take up more space in the house and incur twice the vet's bills, kennels, license etc.

We kept out second (rescue) dog for two years and did some great rehabilitation work with her, which was rewarding. But longer-term, with a baby, it was impractical and I regret doing it. (I also had to post flyers in 140 veterinary practices to find a suitable home for her, which was so much work in itself).

If you are sure that having two dogs is your dream, I suggest you volunteer with a local dog charity for a while to gain experience and demonstrate your commitment. In addition to that, perhaps you and your partner should think about getting some counselling - just to get some ideas for how to make decisions together. You do sound like you got dead set on an idea and pursued it as if you were single, without caring what your DH felt. Not surprising that he then vetoed the plan without taking your feelings into account. Neither of you should be so uncompromising and thoughtless of each other. If something has got as far as a veto situation, you haven't been talking or listening to each other enough.

Good luck.

Sparrows12 Wed 06-Feb-13 17:52:14

I agree with self-confessed that two dogs are a complete bloody nightmare. Don't even go there and count your blessings that he has said no. They: wake each other up ridiculously early, as in anything from 3:30am, every day of the week, they bark like battersea dogs home at the slightest letter box noise, they wind each other up constantly, trying to push each other out of the way or to start noisy games, the older one, previously a gorgeous calm 7year old, now barks a lot - v agitated - and scoffs all her food very quickly as she's worried it will disappear - and has put on weight as a result, and when they run up the stairs at 4:30am it sounds like the start of Beethoven II in reverse - and they are not large dogs - just carried away at the excitement of bring together. And for the record, dogs on their own most definitely do not need the company of other dogs.

Samu2 Wed 06-Feb-13 18:06:24

Thank you for your thoughts.

Usually, we have no problems communicating well. I did act very poorly over this situation and I am actually quite ashamed how I acted. I have apologised to him for getting carried away and not taking his feelings into consideration.

We plan to talk about it more this evening. I very much doubt anything will change and we still won't get another one but we are going to have a conversation about it sensibly where we both listen to one another and go from there.

I was quite surprised that people found it much harder with two dogs and I am going to take that into account too.

Samu2 Wed 06-Feb-13 18:09:49

Oh, and I think this place is awesome.

I needed a reality check for sure. Just typing it out made me realise that while my husband didn't with it well either, I completely put him on the spot and my behaviour was what resulted in his attitude.

I even made him a big chocolate cake to say sorry grin

Samu2 Wed 06-Feb-13 18:11:28

deal with it well*

Sparrows, we call it "barking at every falling leaf".

"Oh another leaf fell, armageddon is starting!" Before if the dog heard something she would bark once, get up, realise it was nothing and lie down again. Now the dog who heard it lies down but the second one is already agitated and then the first one gets up again. ARGH.

And yes I agree about them paying more attention to me than each other. Walking them together makes their training go out the window and they pull and act like idiots. It is really hard to work on the bad behaviour when they are both doing it. You can put one dog in another room and work on it but the other whines and scratches and while it works with only one, the other comes back in and all bets are off.

Plus we now have giant muddy craters in the back, first dog had never dug until second dog came.

Samu, I like the foster idea (or dog sitting for a friend on holiday) if you still have pangs, it is a good dry run.

Euphemia Wed 06-Feb-13 19:07:26

YABU. I want a dog but DH says no. sad

NaughtyBetty Thu 28-Feb-13 16:51:29

Hi Samu, did you get your dog? I want a second one too but DH says no...

KellyElly Thu 28-Feb-13 16:56:49

How come the person who says no always gets their way?? If you really want another dog that much then he needs to have a really good reason to say no - not just what he 'thinks' may be the case. He's not your lord and master! Stick to your guns. It's not in the same ball park as another child for goodness sake. I would just get the dog personally.

Mother2many Thu 28-Feb-13 18:42:25

I hear ya... I even asked if I could foster dogs, but that was also a big NO... I wanted to rescue a dog...but... I know it's a sad feeling.

Two way street doesn't mean it's a happy one....just one you have to accept.

hugs!

Samu2 Thu 28-Feb-13 18:51:51

We did get another one in the end smile

We had a long chat about it and he explained how it was the way I went about it that put him in a mood with me and why he wouldn't talk it through properly. After I had apologised he agreed to discuss it with me.

He told me his worries and we talked and talked and then he decided we would get one. It is going very well, he is very smitten with him and everything is working out just as I had hoped.

NaughtyBetty Thu 28-Feb-13 19:03:01

I remember posting because I wanted a dog and DH didn't, I got one in the end!

Slippersox Thu 28-Feb-13 19:11:35

Well this won't help sorry but from my experience - and that's 30 years of dog ownership and many years working with animals, two dogs have been great fun and I would say ,in the case of the various combinations of dogs we have had over the years,they have also been wonderful companions and mates to each other.We have had a mongrel and Labrador, a Labrador and a border collie ,then the collie until she was 16 and another mongrel.Now have just the one elderly dog - we don't want to get another just yet as he's very doddery but when we do I wouldn't rule out the combination of another two.Dogs have a way of finding us!
Alongside our growing family they have brought immense pleasure and countless funny moments.Yes a bit more mud and mess, but I'm pretty strict on routine ie. sleep on their beds only, not allowed in main part of house until fox poo and damp removed.A lot depends on your house/ garden set up.And finances of course.But as you say you are at home all the time you are in an ideal position to introduce ,train and settle in another dog.And if you are walking one, why not walk two.
I would also disagree that dogs don't need the company of other dogs, it's not essential but most dogs do love it .They are very sociable animals after all.
It is a tough one if he feels so strongly in the opposite direction.Like deciding on another child if you are not on the same page I guess. so good luck resolving it.
Maybe I'm just mad.We also have three children and have always had two cats !

mmmuffins Thu 28-Feb-13 19:16:47

Really pleased to hear it worked out OP smile Enjoy your second pup!

Slippersox Thu 28-Feb-13 19:18:00

Feel stupid now because I have just seen end of your thread and realized you got your dog!Completely mis read dates on earlier posts and got muddled up.Glad to hear it and that its going well.Still glad I posted because I've had a stressful day at work and just reminiscing about all our lovely dogs and how much a part of the family they have been has brought a big smile to my face.Just off to cuddle my dog now!

Samu2 Thu 28-Feb-13 19:28:49

Well if you are mad I am too. I have five children and three cats grin

I love watching mine play and while my bigger dog was always happy and have so much fun with my children she loves having another dog in the house. She is so gentle with him and I feel like my life has been enriched.

NaughtyBetty Thu 28-Feb-13 20:32:09

Aww, really pleased for you too! grin

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