to resent my son :(

(38 Posts)
ozzy77 Tue 05-Feb-13 20:37:42

I can't believe I am actually saying it, but I do. My Dh has asked me many times if I feel that way and I have always answered "NO" but the truth is I do.
Now don't get me wrong I love my son with all my heart and Would kill for him just like I would for my other children but having him has literally turned my life on it's arse sad
I have 4 children ( 15,14, 13 & 4) and he was the 1st child for my second husband as I had the others in previous marriage. I was sterilized before I met him and paid privately to have a reversal so we could have a child together.
Obviously I never intended to have any more children but we really wanted to gel the family together by having our youngest. He was a darling baby for the 1st year but it's almost like something clicked in him and I havn't had a minute to myself since. I would have to write a 100 page essay to describe how things have gone since then but it is easier to say he is just a complete nightmaresad He has never slept in a cot or his bed instead choosing to sleep inbetween myself and Dh for the last 4 years, we put him to sleep in his bed at the side of ours and he climbs out and gets in with us, we put him back and he climbs back in and so on til the early hours.
He throws tantrums all day long, demanding every second of my attention, leaving no time for me to sit with my other children ( one of whom is about to take her G.C.S.E;s) and one who is autistic. I literally cannot go to the toilet on my own.
I have tried almost everything, I play with him, bake, take him to the park, read him stories, pretend to be dead at least 1000 times a day when he wants me to be a cowboy and I have just totally run out of steam, energy, will...everythingsad
My other children have started to resent him as they see how he demands every minute of my time leaving nothing for them...it's not how I imagined it to be. I had my other children very close together and they were hard work but I never had these thoughts about them, they were/are great kids so I don't know whats going wrong.
My marriage is slowly going down the pan because we don't talk anymore unless it's about what my son has done through the day, we havn't been out together for nearly 5 years because no-one will have our son overnight because he is too much work, we don't get to sleep together and he works long hours through the day so all intimacy has gone as well.
I have tried to talk to my Dh about the way I feel but he just goes on the defensive and says " well he is still only a baby, he'll grow out of it"!!
Well I had 3 before I met him, so I do think I know a little bit more about what is normal behaviour and whats not!
My son does suffer from OSA ( obstructive sleep apnea) due to enlarged tonsils and has been ill at least 6 times a year with tonsillitus and respritory infections and I have had a running battle with the doc's and hospital to get them removed to see if this may help with the sleep thing and his personality, 2 years on and they have finally agreed to do the op at the end of the month, I just hope that it will be some kind of miracle cure and that this may be behind the reason why he is like he is because I don't think my mind nor my marriage can take much moresad
I feel evil for saying these things because I do really love him and he is my "baby" but I resent the fact that my family life and my marriage have been changed beyond comprehension since we had him. I just don't know what to do or how to get my Dh to see that things are really badsad
Sorry for the long winded post but I really needed to get this off my chest before I exploded.

Euphemia Tue 05-Feb-13 20:42:44

It sounds like getting DH on board is the critical thing here. The two of you need to be pulling together - at the moment he's not getting it.

Could you show DH your post? Is talking too emotional? Would it help him to see it in black and white?

Is DS at school yet?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 05-Feb-13 20:45:26

It sounds exhausting.

Does he go to school / pre school?

MrsTomHardy Tue 05-Feb-13 20:48:03

I was going to say does he go to pre-school??

DoItToJulia Tue 05-Feb-13 20:51:36

Do you have any RL help?

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 05-Feb-13 20:53:22

Do you have a nursery nearby that you could put your DSin three afternoons a week? That way you could catch up with things you need to do three times a week and allocate one after school session a week to each of your other DC whilst your DS is in nursery.

Your DH is right he is young and with age things will change but right now that doesn't help.

Would he do an activity with your DS once a week at a fixed time so you could dedicate some time to the others for trips out etc?

Does your DS settle in the evening but join you in bed when he stirs? If so could you have a no TV/ datenight in with your DH once a week. Take it in turns to organise a lazy tea or takeaway, a film, mariokart, or read a book to each other. I guess the olderones would need to be bribed up to their rooms early on that night.

I hope that the operation is the start of improvements for you too.

ozzy77 Tue 05-Feb-13 20:54:09

I have tried to talk to him before but he just seems to get irritated and say's things like " well if he's that bad just take yourself off and leave him then" which just infuriates me and we end up arguing:/
My dh takes everything personally like I am attcking him and it's his fault because if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have felt the need to give him a child...it's a lose lose situation on my part and if I thought showing him the post would make him see things any differently then I would because I feel like I am fighting this battle alone...either that or he does'nt give a toss.

My son started nursery a year ago, they offered us 3 full days but after 1 day they changed it to 3 hours an afternoon because he couldn't hack all day away from me, he also refuses to eat at school so they thought it better to keep him there for shorter periods.
He moves up to big school in september and I have no idea how that is going to pan out.
Thankyou for your reply...much needed and appreciated smile

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 20:58:31

OP yadnbu, its sounds like you are at the end of your tether, exhausted and perhaps doing the lionsshare of parenting for your dc, like others have said - is there a nursery nearby that he could attend , I know first hand how difficult it is to get a nursery place (the free ones)but maybe its something you can look into. Its hard to regain intimacy when you have a little person sleeping between you so it does take some imagination and most importantly time when your not exhausted or lacking in sleep. I have no other suggestions but didn't want you to think you were being U.

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 05-Feb-13 20:59:27

Could you go back to the nursery and ask them to trial upping the hours again?maybe full afternoons to start with.

If they consider there could be developmental/ behavioural issues they should have the contacts with community paediatricians etc to help get the support your son needs to ease his transition to school.

girliefriend Tue 05-Feb-13 21:01:20

Oh dear sad he does sound like flipping hard work tbh but unfortunately he is probably picking up on your feelings and this is making him play up even more.

Re the bedtime, I would wait till you have a date for his op as if he has sleep apnoea (my dd also had this) this will be effecting the quality of sleep and having long periods of deep sleep. This probably also is having a detrimental effect on his behaviour.

My dd also tantrummed a lot and I think it was all liked to her tonsils and adenoids - both of which have now been removed!

I would also get yourself a copy of 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' as has some great ideas and down to earth advice for when you're pulling your hair out!

Fairylea Tue 05-Feb-13 21:04:10

I do feel for you. I have a massive age gap between dd from a previous relationship and ds 7 months. I had forgotten how exhausting the baby stage is and to be honest sometimes I do feel I turned my relatively easy life on its head by having (a very wanted and planned) ds.

It's not easy at all and it's hard when you have older children who seem to need you almost as much as the younger one does!

The one thing I will say is school will make things so much better. So hang on in there. It will tire him out, get him more independent and give you whole days of you time. And dh and you time too if he can book the odd day off then.

In the meantime I'd tackle his sleeping. You say his bed is next to yours - if you want him to sleep in his own room move his bed back to there and make a reward chart (sorry if you've already done this) and try saying if you stay in bed you get a sticker / treat for so many stickies etc. You must be consistent, ie always putting him back to his own bed even if you are beyond shattered. He has to learn your bed is not for him sleeping.

You have my sympathies.

EarlyInTheMorning Tue 05-Feb-13 21:05:25

I don't know about his behaviour but the operation will definitely improve his sleep patterns so that's something.
And YANBU at all
Poor you
You need a break
[hugs]

Dinosaurhunter Tue 05-Feb-13 21:06:41

No real advice but my friends little girl had bad sleep patterns , behaviour and illness due to enlarged tonsils so they had them removed privately and she's like a different child , so there's hope yet :-)

ozzy77 Tue 05-Feb-13 21:07:57

Thankyou all for your replies, it's a massive relief to get this off my chest and not feel like I am being judged for feeling this way.

I have thought about speaking to the nursery staff about increasing his hours to get him prepared for school but they worry about him being there for long periods because of his eating issues. I will speak to them again though and see what they think.

@twitchy- I learned a long time ago that intimacy in the bedroom was no longer an option and we do try to make time during the day if we can but the hours my ds is at nursery clash with my dh working hours...still not sure who's more concerned about that though :/

LousThighBurn Tue 05-Feb-13 21:07:58

Is there a chance that your son worries about the apnea? Maybe the fear of it makes him want to sleep in your bed for safety? You say your three other children are starting to resent him a little bit, is there much interaction with them? Maybe if he can strengthen the bond between them, you can free up some time (he could sit with one sibling, whilst you help the others or you could have time with your partner) maybe if you involve your older children in tasks your son likes to do at first that could help? I hope these suggestions can help.

ihatethecold Tue 05-Feb-13 21:08:01

I can understand how you feel.
You sound like you really need some support with this.
Have you contacted your health visitor or been to see the GP?
Not that that will automatically sort things out for you but I think personally that you need short term pain for a change in his sleeping habits.
Consistently putting him back to bed and setting boundaries for him so you can get some space.
When I was in knackered phase of no sleep for 3.5 years. I couldn't think straight let alone put into practise sorting out sleep problems. When I look back I wish I had just bit the bullet.
My son 12 is still very stubborn and is slowly still turning me grey but it has got easier the older he has become.
I'm fairly certain he is borderline OCD/ autistic.
Was assessed but they said it was behavioural.
Sorry to waffle.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 05-Feb-13 21:10:36

I think it sounds like you need some help, your DH's attitude isn't helping TBH, you are not criticising him but it is natural to feel as you do.

I would be upping nursery or other childcare to give yourself a break and teach him to be less reliant on you.

nilbyname Tue 05-Feb-13 21:14:45

op a good pre-school would happily work with you on your sons behaviour. Make an appointment with his key-worker with a list of things you want to achieve.

This would be my list for the pre-school

Have him at pre-school for his 15 hours in 4 weeks. A phased upping of hours gradually week on week.

You pack a lunch at pre-school, he wont eat it? Does he eat breakfast and dinner? i would not sweat the lunch and neither should the pre-school. Make sure you are providing healthy liked food and leave it at that.

Encourage small independent play. You set him up on a task and engage with him for 10-15 minutes, then you can disengage and get on with other things.

Does he dress/undress himself? If not put one of those on the list.

DH needs to get on board. Parenting is fucking hard, and worse if someone is not playing ball!

Andro Tue 05-Feb-13 21:14:51

I really hope the operation solves some of the issues you're having (and soon).

A word of caution, be very concerned about resentment building in your older children...the effect of the mother-child relationship can be disastrous.

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 05-Feb-13 21:16:01

The nursery really should be supporting you more. If there are issues with eating at nursery these need to be assessed before school too. They should have the contacts. Another option would be to home lunch him. Take him for the morning, home for lunch - or eat with him there if thats a possibility, then back for the afternoon.

Is his name down for a school, are places allocated yet? If so they may also be able to assist you in accessing support to assess your son to ease him into full time school.

larks35 Tue 05-Feb-13 21:19:23

It sound exhausting OP and I feel for you.

My DS doesn't eat much lunch at pre-school either but he's still there 5 full days a week (I work full-time and pay the extra). I think for his and your sake, you need to get him into the routine of a full day at pre-school, maybe try for this after easter?

How rational is he? Can you negotiate with him? Does/will he respond to reward charts, stamps etc. That probably sounds trite, but my DS is also 4 and absolutely loves his chart.

The sleep situation is the first thing I would want to change. Do you have a room that you can make great for him as a big grown up boy to sleep in? If not, could you decorate a section of one of your other DC's rooms for him? At 4 I think he would probably enjoy the freedom and responsibility having his own space means.

ozzy77 Tue 05-Feb-13 21:26:41

All your replies make total sense to me and are very good advice ( something I have not been getting much of lately). My problem is I have always had the " I can manage" attitude -It was hard for me to even type the words onto the keyboard.
I suppose asking for help is a sign of failure on my part as a mother, which is probably why I havn't before now but things just seem to have spiralled out of control the last 6 months. My daughters grades are down, my middle son prob thinks he does'nt exist as I rarely ask him how his day was and worse of all is my 13 yr old with autism...he just doesn't like my ds anymore and he will actually say it as well, they fight like cat and dog...mainly because they are on a similar level mentally and have the same interests. My 4 year old will actually attack him, I think he knows that he is vunerable so targets him more than the others.
I WILL speak to his teachers tomorrow and let them know how things are at home with him.
Also someone mentioned " does his osd scare him at night" ? the answer I think is yes, I think he is aware of it and there are times when he has woken up because of an attack and climbed into bed with us.
That I don't mind.

Smartiepants79 Tue 05-Feb-13 22:04:11

Your husbands attitude to this is not helpful, I think you need to try and get him to truly understand how badly this is impacting on your emotional health and that of your other children.
I may get shouted at for saying this but at 4 he is no longer a 'baby' and seeing ( treating?) him as one may make dealing with him appropriately harder.
Hopefully once this operation is out of the way then some of his behaviours can be tackled safe in the knowledge that there are no underlying causes.

BooCanary Tue 05-Feb-13 22:17:25

Does/can your DH take DS out for a time on the weekend so you can spend some time with your older DCs?

drjohnsonscat Tue 05-Feb-13 22:23:09

Poor you. Sounds absolutely exhausting. It also really sounds like you need some help from the GP/health visitor/family therapist/whoever. If you have been afraid to shout and scream that you need help for fear of being branded a failure or not a good mum then stop it. You need to get help - it would take a saint to put up with all this and you can't go on. I don't have any specific advice on the problems except to say that you need to demand help.

maddening Tue 05-Feb-13 22:36:42

Could you go in at lunchtimes and eat with him?

fromparistoberlin Tue 05-Feb-13 22:40:42

lots of sympathy, LOTS

I think maybe your DH is new to this parenting malarkey, and over defends your DS as he is his child, but he needs to take it on

its good you have said you feel this way, and I agree with above advice

talk to DH
make him help with discpline
get nursery to help
make him do his hours, he will eat when he is hungry
read some books as advised
carve time for your other DC
stay firm, have the courage of your convictions

get help, you cant go on like this

xx

MrsTomHardy Tue 05-Feb-13 22:44:23

You really need to speak to your sons key worker at the nursery.
Find out how is behaviour is there, and tell her/him what he is like at home. He should have a learning journal with regular progress reports in, are you seeing these?

If this was happening in my preschool I would call in the First Team to visit and assess, which they do at preschool and home. They are there to offer advise and guide you to places who can help/support you and your family if you need it.

This would be my first port of call.

MrsTomHardy Tue 05-Feb-13 22:45:35

And I would up his hours to the free 15 hours a week.

ledkr Tue 05-Feb-13 22:54:00

ozzy my battery is about to due but ill come back tomorrow.
I am in an almost identical position as you even the older kids and one dd with new hubby thing. She is very hard work too and I also struggle with resentment of how my life has changed. It will be interesting to compare notes.

Arachnophobic Tue 05-Feb-13 23:05:59

OP I think you have has lots of good advice here and for the record YADNBU. I just wanted to say that I know someone who has a daughter who had the same op as your son is about to have. After the op he described her as like a different child in terms of behaviour, sleeping, everything. Hope things improve for you.

Sympathies from me too.

My friend's son had OSA. Once he had his tonsils (and I think adenoids) removed he was like a different child. He finally slept well, his behaviour improved and he was much easier for her to cope with.

If the op does not help, then you need to sit your DH down and talk to him - and don't let him talk you down or interrupt. Tell him and make sure he understands just how you feel. Him minimising the scale of your feelings is not helping and is likely to be making you feel resentful towards him too. If he doesn't listen, write everything down, give it to him and insist he reads it properly because you can't continue the way things are going, with him in denial about how hard this is for you. Definitely increase your DS's nursery hours if possible too. Your DH should, when he's not at work, spend lots of time with DS on his own whilst you spend some quality time with your older children, without youngest DS interrupting and grabbing all your attention.

jellybeans Tue 05-Feb-13 23:18:20

I had 4 older ones then gap then DC5 who had severe reflux (he would stop breathing)and did not sleep at all in the night for months. Exhausting is not the word! He is 4 now and not a good sleeper but we don't mind him co sleeping. We did it with all the DC till age 5 or 6 although they often started in own beds and came in ours early hours! I can relate to the little time and exhaustion and worry but never resented DS and neither have older DC even though he is hard work and hyperactive, fussy eater etc (reflux) . However he was a much longed for and tried for baby after two stillbirths and we had huge complications throughout the pregnancy. I hope things get better soon, they often do with school age.

Maryz Tue 05-Feb-13 23:44:55

Asking for help is not a sign of failure.

Asking for (demanding) help is a sign that you recognise how to parent him well. Nillby and others have some very good suggestions.

I would second her advice about phasing in a gradual entry to the full 15 hours at nursery. He needs that if he is to start school in September.

I would also suggest that you and your dh each have a night a week where you sleep somewhere else, and each get one really good night's sleep.

WinkyTwinglet Wed 06-Feb-13 05:28:00

It sounds like you have had/ are having a dreadful time and are very worried, which is understandable.

I thought I would post here to let you know about a parenting programme which has helped many people I know. I'm no expert on these things - my son is still very young - so I don't speak from personal experience, but very challenging behaviours have been effectively dealt with by friends and by my son's child minder through using this approach and they swear by it. It is called Triple P. Here is the link to the UK website http://www26.triplep.net/?pid=41

I also know that you can buy the dvd's from the website because our child minder has many of them.

I hope you get the help you need and that you get a chance to look after yourself in all this, too xx

AmberSocks Wed 06-Feb-13 05:35:43

does he get plenty of attention?from you,your dh,and how does he get on with his siblings?

I think children can tell if their parents resent them,its probably not helping tbh.

Think of all the nice thing about him and focus on those.

I find 4 is a difficult age with boys,they have a huge testosterone surge and it makes them go a bit mad,my 5yrold is much better now than he was a few months ago and my nearly 4 yr old is just starting to go through it again.

Im no expert on the tonsils or sleep disorders soi wont comment on those but i think the other behaviour he will grow out of in time.could you move his bed next to yours if you dont like him in with you?

CheerfulYank Wed 06-Feb-13 05:44:05

It sounds like he gets more than enough attention!

Oh, OP. It sounds like you're really having a time. DS was awful at 4, I think there really is something to the testosterone surge thing.

I agree the the operation may help a lot. I'd wait til then and start being firm with bedtime. DS went through a rough stage with that. Now he's good about it; he knows he can always come in if he's sick or upset, and he will come cuddle in the morning, but other than that he stays in his own bed.

Yanbu!

TepidCoffee Wed 06-Feb-13 05:58:33

Have you considered taking it in turns to sleep with your DS while the other crashes on a separate bed/camp bed/sofa in a different room? This has done wonders for us when our DS has been in one of his no sleep periods. Sounds like you're all exhausted.

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