AIBU to be annoyed at DH for giving FIL photos of DC2

(149 Posts)
twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 15:57:50

Since DC2 was born FIL has been asking for photos of dc2 I have had every intention of giving him some photos just as soon as I recovered from the difficult birth (3rd degree tear/difficult recovery), moving house (still have a load of random boxes in the spare room) and a boisterous pre schooler who is currently driving me bonkers as I am unable to find a nursery place in the new area we have moved to.

FIL mentions the photos everytime he sees me, and every time I reassured him that just as soon as I manage to print some off and put in nice frames for him I will give him the photos. He always responds with some sarcastic witty remark. I am getting quite fed up of it because a) its not very high on my list of priorities (I don't have any pics of DC2 at my own house yet/haven't given pics to my parents) what with the whole having a baby/having a pre schooler/house move thing and b) they live 5 fucking minutes away by car and rarely visit, the only time FIL comes to see DC2 is when its DC1's bedtime, DC2 doesn't always like being held by FIL so will scream and DC1 will be climbing the walls because it being bedtime and being bloody knackered. I am sahm and therefore free during the day for vists but on the few occassions FIL has visited, its has
always been around bedtime for DC1.

I am sure that he cares about DC2 and DC1 but tbh they (him and mil) don't really show any interest unless it fits in with their schedules, they are much closer to their daughter's children who they provide extensive childcare for, so if I suggest they visit earlier they either don't come because it clashes with other kids school times or just end up coming the time they want anyway.

Recently, I managed to find the professional bounty ones that were taken at hospital (rip off prices but lovely pics), went out bought a frame, and gave it to him wrapped up, thinking that will be the end of it. But apparently the photo is no good as its not recent and DC2 doesn't look like that anymore.

DH has today gone and printed off some pics for his dad, even though he knows I am annoyed at constantly being reminded and that it was something I wanted to do on my terms and not because FIL nagged me death over it.

I am really fucking annoyed, at DH for spending over £20 printing large sized photos (we are supposed to be budgetingas I am not working/money tight etc) to give to his dad to keep him happy. Had a go at DH, he isn't talking to me now and has said he will put the photos in the bin. I am now at home with the kids wondering if I over reacted. Perfectly willing to accept I may be a tad hormonal and U.

Daisy17 Tue 05-Feb-13 16:00:50

To be fair, maybe your DP had noticed how upset you were getting and did it to get FiL off your back. Clumsy maybe but well intentioned?

Oh dear wink I thnik you might be a little ... But £20 is a lot of money and I can't see why he couldn't have printed little ones.

WorraLiberty Tue 05-Feb-13 16:01:11

Blimey it sounds like a fuss over nothing really.

You didn't do it so your DH did - job done finally

Your DH can always ask his Dad for the £20

CailinDana Tue 05-Feb-13 16:01:13

This isn't about the photos, clearly, it's about the fact that your FIL is rude and sarcastic and clearly doesn't care about inconveniencing you. Let DH give him the photo but tell him he also has to have a serious word to his father about respecting his wife.

TallulahTwinkle Tue 05-Feb-13 16:01:28

How old is dc2?

Sorry, I think YABU and slightly controlling - let your dh do it, one less job for you!'s his child too and his father wants a photo. He sorted it.....what is there to be annoyed about really??? At least it gets him off your back so to speak and he can shut up about it now.

Pandemoniaa Tue 05-Feb-13 16:02:56

I'd have passed the job over to your DH in the first place, tbh. Clearly you have quite enough to do already and this doesn't sound like a battle worth fighting.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 05-Feb-13 16:03:18

Why is it a big deal? You sound as if you're trying to control WHEN he has them. Why would you do that? All you're doing is setting up trouble for the future and, if they're closer to their daughter's children, maybe your attitude to them has some bearing on this. Only you know what the true situation is but I can't imagine why you would need to be reminded and reminded... odd. confused

I think you might be over-reacting slightly. While I can see that you're annoyed at being told "you must" while you're still recovering, I think you DH has sorted it out to keep the peace. I think he was just trying to do a nice thing, and you've shouted at him

I think a frank talk when you next see him and maybe an apology would be in order

cantspel Tue 05-Feb-13 16:04:38

why is it you who gets to choose who gets photos and when?

Surely if your husband and father of the child wishes to give his family a couple of photos he doesn't need your permission.

Goldmandra Tue 05-Feb-13 16:06:20

I agree with poster above.

This isn't about the photos. It's about your FIL getting his needs as a priority by making himself a PITA. It's also about your DH giving in to him when you've decided to make him wait.

You need to communicate with your DH in future about how you feel and why so that you can present a united front.

That applies to the timing of their visits too.

Cassarick Tue 05-Feb-13 16:06:26

YABU and over the top. You didn't do it. Your husband did. End of - get over it.

usualsuspect Tue 05-Feb-13 16:06:43

What a strange thing to get upset about.

Your DH sorted it, so whats the problem?

ajandjjmum Tue 05-Feb-13 16:07:13

This is where the family vibe gets so confused - you're fed up of him hassling (perhaps the pressure you're under doesn't help that!), but if he didn't want photos of your little one, you'd be thinking he didn't care.

Hope you're able to get into a routine soon - and that FIL gets some advice from your DH about not pushing it when you're under pressure.

HeyHoHereWeGo Tue 05-Feb-13 16:07:30


Yes ok you dont like FIL but the man has asked many many times and now his own son has prepared some to give him.
Dont be that daughter in law.
Take the photos out of the bin and apologise to your DH.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:08:05

Hi evryone,

DC2 is 3 months, I gave FIL a photo but he said it wasn't good enough.

LucilleBluth Tue 05-Feb-13 16:08:50

YABU and if you were a man posting he would be called controlling.......

Dinosaurhunter Tue 05-Feb-13 16:09:03

You sound very controlling , a grandparent wants a pic of their new grandchild yet they are in the wrong - weird !

humblebumble Tue 05-Feb-13 16:09:08

I am confused as to why your FIL take a photo of DC2 if he wanted a picture?

Also you sound a bit nutty about the whole thing, your poor DH just wanted to help out, probably. You sound like you have a lot on your plate at the moment.

LimeLeafLizard Tue 05-Feb-13 16:09:31

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, and DH has done you a favour by doing this chore.

Ilovexmastime Tue 05-Feb-13 16:10:31

YABU, sorry, but why don't you just appreciate that your DH was trying to help and thank him? He may have spent too much money, in your opinion, but at least it's one less thing to think about.

cantspel Tue 05-Feb-13 16:10:37

You couldn't spare 5 minutes to sort some photos out in 3 months?

Just admit you dont like the man and didn't want to give him photos.

Your husband has done you a favour and you have a go? Okay. YABU and controlling.

CinnabarRed Tue 05-Feb-13 16:11:23

3 months!??

I was expecting you to say 3 weeks!

YABU - it would only have taken you a few minutes to print off a couple of 4x6s as an interim measure.

Hullygully Tue 05-Feb-13 16:11:36

You may be a teensy weensy bit hormonal and utterly barking

Bluebell99 Tue 05-Feb-13 16:11:41

In the time you wrote that post, you could have printed off the photos. It sounds like you are being a bit controlling and that dh was trying to keep you both happy. My fil spent ages printing off pictures and I was touched when I saw the huge folder he'd compiled over the years. However I do appreciate you have your hands full and constant nagging to do something is very off putting. At least it's done now, and hopefully the inlaws will stop mithering.

CinnabarRed Tue 05-Feb-13 16:12:01

And babies do change an enormous amount in the first 3 months.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 05-Feb-13 16:12:48

Your dh was trying to help maybe his dad had nagged him too.
I fairness, on your terms was making him wait. I can't really see the point in not being accommodating to other peoples requests.
However, fil/mil obviously and rightly piss you off and I too think your dh should speak to them about respect. Its a 2 way thing though, I treat my pils far different than I did my parents as totally different characters.
Finally I will add, my mum never got to see my graduation photo's (v. mature student). She was so looking forward to getting her copy. She died the day before I was due to take them over. I had them for 2 weeks prior to this. Maybe your ils are just longing for photos.

TheSecondComing Tue 05-Feb-13 16:12:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyMargolotta Tue 05-Feb-13 16:13:01

It sounds like you made the task a bit too complicated, and it built up to be a big thing. Why did you buy a frame? He only wanted photos.

Has he got email? Can't you just forward some photos and let him print them off?

YABU for being annoyed at your dh.

HecateWhoopass Tue 05-Feb-13 16:13:35

Sorry. I think you are a bit.

Your father in law wanted a nice pic of his grandson. He's been asking for three months. You have other things to get on with and haven't got round to it. He's pissing you off. Your husband thought you know what, I'll solve the problem. Here are some pics, he can stop asking and she can stop being pissed off.

Three months. I mean, I'd be more leaning towards you not being at all unreasonable if we were talking a week or two grin but three months?

He's being really ridiculous about it now though. Petty and I suspect a bit nose off to spite face.

YABU, but understandably so having just had a baby, moved house and everything else. Let your DH give the photos to your FIL and move on.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Tue 05-Feb-13 16:14:07

YABVu I'm afraid!

You need to relinquish some control, thereis nothing unusual about family wanting pictures of dgc and waiting 3 months is a long time tbh!

A picture of a newborn is lovely but they grow so quickly and some people like to have more up to date photos. Maybe they want to show off their dgc to their friends.

Give your DH and his family a break, life is too short.

Bloody hell, what a fuss. The poor man wants a photo of his grandchild and in 3 months you haven't been able to get your act together to get him one, so your husband steps in, gets photo done, gets FIL off your back and makes him happy. And your problem is?

You're bonkers.

Floggingmolly Tue 05-Feb-13 16:14:38

If your dc is 3 months old and you gave FIL a newborn photo, you can kind of see his point, can't you? And you only gave him that after much prompting...

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 05-Feb-13 16:14:52

YABU, your DD was trying to help and you bit his head off. If i was him i would be pissed off with you.

FIL got his pictures, you're no longer getting pestered, win win. I really don't see how or why you could be angry.

LeeCoakley Tue 05-Feb-13 16:18:09

Fil - 'Can I have some recent photos of dc2 please?'
Twitchy - 'Of course you can, dh will print some off, just ask him'.

Why didn't the above conversation happen months ago?

Also as your dh was aware of your annoyance at constantly being reminded why didn't he print some off weeks ago? The fact that he has gone ahead and done it now should be a time for rejoicing not getting the hump.

If you are still having difficulties from the birth then stop moving boxes etc. that's what dhs are for.

deleted203 Tue 05-Feb-13 16:19:13

YABU. Your FIL wanted a photo of his grandchild, which is nice. He's been asking for 3 months so he's obviously really keen to have one. Agree with GwendolineMary TBH. What was the problem in actually printing one off for him? Would have taken five minutes. And what the heck is the problem now DH has done it for you? Why did it have to be 'on your terms?' I think you need to grovel a bit to DH actually. I can see why he's fuming with you.

Bobyan Tue 05-Feb-13 16:19:26

You sound precious and he sounds overbearing, either communicate the problems you have with them or suck it up!

I am totally confused. This is a gp who lives close to his gc, visits often. Why is he hassling his DIL for photos? Can he not just bring his own camera with him when he visits? Why is it up to his DIL to provide photos?

OP I think you should demand photos of your FIL's dog, or garden or something. And keep making sarcastic remarks until you get them. And then complain they're taken from the wrong angle.

Oblomov Tue 05-Feb-13 16:20:43

YABU and completely controlling.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Tue 05-Feb-13 16:21:47

think you didn't really want him to have the photos did you.

CheeseStrawWars Tue 05-Feb-13 16:22:39

"the only time FIL comes to see DC2 is when its DC1's bedtime... I am sahm and therefore free during the day for vists but on the few occassions FIL has visited, its has always been around bedtime for DC1" - as your DH is more likely to be around at bedtime? I don't think FIL should be sarcastic to you at all, but you do seem to be giving off vibes that suggest it might be uncomfortable to visit you in the day as you appear very hostile to him.

3 months is an unreasonable length of time to wait. Presumably you had time to get them Xmas presents, but not a photo? I don't think "nice frames" are necessary, just a normal 5 x 3 print would have been adequate...

Oh, and next time they visit, get them to move some boxes for you!

pluCaChange Tue 05-Feb-13 16:24:16

You were a bit too ambitious with the print and framebusiness. However, after you got the newborn photo together with the frame, I would have followed up with just some emailed some photos - not another print.

On another note, his and MIL's awkward timings would piss me off. Feel free to tell them not to come round if it's going to be at bedtime! grin

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Tue 05-Feb-13 16:26:09

Sorry But it's another YABU from me. Maybe, FIl was being pushy but just give the guy some photos. (or ask your DH). I feel a bit sorry for your DH.

I guess there is a lot more history to this ill feeling. This doesn't bode well for the future confused

pluCaChange Tue 05-Feb-13 16:27:41

BTW, do you have a photo printer, or did you/DH have to go to a printer's (accounting for the expense)?

Sorry, YABU. As above.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 05-Feb-13 16:32:57

Molehill -> Mountain

Your FIL is clearly somewhat objectionable, and I can understand you being annoyed about the disparity between how they treat you and your family compared to your SIL.

But - your DH took the job off your hands and now you are moaning at him? I think you are being harsh.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 16:37:48

Hmm, You've had a lot on and you DID give him photos. It's not hard to print more off - but it's not hard for him either. Why couldn't he take his own, or print off some that you emailed?

He sounds rude and arsey and I don't think making demands then being sarcastic is on at all. He can ask, or mention they'd love some more recent pictures but should then wait until you respond, not nag.

Photos that go in normal picture frames cost about 20p, so your DH spending £20 is crazy and it's quite reasonable you'd be upset about that if money is tight.

So YANBU but about the money and the rudeness rather than your DH acting on this.

CaseyShraeger Tue 05-Feb-13 16:39:01

YABU. You are annoyed because your DH gave his father some recent pictures of DC2, three months after he'd asked for them, because you wanted to make him wait even longer to teach him a lesson for asking?

YAB even more U if your FIL has email and you could have emailed him a photo in seconds.

Paiviaso Tue 05-Feb-13 16:39:24

FIL sounds annoying but YABU. DH dealt with it and got FIL lots of photos so surely FIL will be off your back now smile

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:40:55

Thanks for the overwhelming responses, I accept I am being unreasonable - however I really don't think I am being precious or controlling. Thanks to everyone call me nuts and bonkers too - I didn't expect that either but I accept that written down it does sound like I am nuts. I am not nuts or bonkers or many of the terms (can't remember all of them) used to describe my mental state.

As I said in my previous post, I had a difficult birth and still recovering from it, we also moved house - everything is upside down and I have my hands full. I gave FIL a photo- he didn't like it and made it clear he didn't. So I said I would get him another one (I have never said he can't have photos/ or take them himself), except I haven't got round to it. I also find it annoying that FIL rarely visits a grandchild that apparently means so much to him, I am not openly hostile towards him or anything like that, I always make tea, sit down, have a chat, give DC2 to him for a cuddle, if anything I am over hospitable.

Inlaws generally are v controlling and hostile unless they get their own way. FIL along with MIL are welcome visit at any time, but on the rare occassion FIL visits its always at DC1's bedtime. I don't see how not wanting a child's bedtime to be disrupted when I have had over 12 hrs of said boisterous child and a newborn makes me precious?!.

I was angry at DH because I feel he printed off the photos to keep his dad happy as opposed to explaining to his dad that we had a lot on our plate at the mo and that considering he lived 5 minutes away he could visit his DGC2 a bit more. I mean its all very well to play the doting grandad but I seriously doubt this has to do with him loving DC2 when he rarely comes to see DC2. I haven't thrown the photos in the bin, DH said he would bin them.

Sorry all the above sounds like drip feeding and repeating, I accept I am being unreasonable.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:42:04

We don't have a photo printer, he printed them off in a shop

CloudsAndTrees Tue 05-Feb-13 16:44:29

No, you are being controlling because you are pissed off with your DH for giving his parents a picture of his own baby!

Why do you get to decide when you have enough time to do it? Why should it only be on your terms?

Clearly your DH was capable of sorting it, so he did.

It's really not surprising that the in laws spend more time with their other GC if seeing your dc means they have to put up with you being difficult.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:45:08

I have emailed him pics since birth- regularly - just not printed off an actual physical photo apart from the one I gave him from Bounty.

LeeCoakley Tue 05-Feb-13 16:45:18

Now you're BOTH being unreasonable! Why bin £20 worth of photos? Just get dh to take them round to fil and move on.

Tallgiraffe Tue 05-Feb-13 16:46:27

I was angry at DH because I feel he printed off the photos to keep his dad happy as opposed to explaining to his dad that we had a lot on our plate at the mo

Why is it a bad thing for your husband to want to make his dad happy?

In the future why not just email through photos every few weeks? It takes two seconds and makes people happy. Clearly you have some longstanding issues with your in laws, but this is a very easy thing to solve that I think you're getting a bit upset over unnecessarily.

Hope you heal up soon though.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:47:17

CLOUDSANDTREES: how the fuck am I being difficult with FIL and inlaws, they are welcome to come round my house any time, they CHOOSE to come at dc1's bedtime because that is when is convenient for them. Do you not read my posts, I am over and beyond the basic realms of hospitable when he comes over.

MolehillAlchemy Tue 05-Feb-13 16:49:49

It's not about the photo is it OP. Often when something trivial gets on top of us, the problem is elsewhere but instead of dealing with it, we focus on something little that we can make sense of.

Have a proper think about what it is that's getting you down, and work on resolving that. FWIW, I had a traumatic birth, and the physical part of that took a good two months to get over, and it did cloud everything I did. It could easily just be that, and they say moving house is the most stressful thing you can do.

I think your DH was just trying to help. It was a nice thing he did.

Well if you've been emailing pics, why can't he print them off?
And why can't he come round with a camera and take his own pics?
Sorry but I'm with OP on this. He sounds odd.
But.... don't bin the pics, put them in frames and put them up in your house. You said you don't have any yet.
Discuss pics with your FIL next time he's round and tell him he can print his own off as you are struggling for time to do it for him.
Congrats on your new baby and your new home by the way!

MrsMushroom Tue 05-Feb-13 16:51:57


And controlling and weird.

spiritedaway Tue 05-Feb-13 16:52:19

Don't worry OP. . YABU, but i think maybe you are strung out, need help and this photo thing has come to represent that so it has become a bigger issue to you than it actually is. Do you feel as if your Dh wouldn't take the time to do something for you, but he will for his father? Maybe try to see the photo issue for what it is and address the bigger picture. No pun intended, and i may well be talking out my ass!

thebody Tue 05-Feb-13 16:54:03

Goodness me. Sorry I think I missed the actual problem.

If I got it right your dh have his father pictures of his child. What a bastard!!

Seriously op you have lots on your plate, why on earth didn't you tell fil that dh would sort it in the beginning.

If your fil visits at inconvenient times then again tell your dh to sort it out.

Kaekae Tue 05-Feb-13 16:54:06

This is what most grandparents do I am sure? If I have a new school photo of my son for example my mum will badger me for a copy. It is sweet they care.

ruledbyheart Tue 05-Feb-13 16:55:21

Actually op Im on your side, nothing stopping FIL coming at a decent time andtaking some photos himself, you have emailed photos why cant he print those himself if he was that bothered.
Also its not fair to come round at a time inconvenient to yourself when your trying to have a routine, tell him to bugger off and come back at a better time or to ring in advance.

spiritedaway Tue 05-Feb-13 16:55:40

Oh. . x post with molehill, who isn't talking out of her ass smile

I can see your PILs sound like a PITA but telling your DH that he cannot give his own Father some photos is a bit OTT.

LadyMargolotta Tue 05-Feb-13 16:56:54

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you want your fil to visit much more anyway.

Next time he asks for photos, smile sweetly and tell him he is perfectly welcome to print off the photos from the emails you send him.

MmeLindor Tue 05-Feb-13 16:58:11

I think that YANBU to be cross with your FIL - not for wanting a photo, but because it seems to me that they want to show others that they are loving grandparents by having a big photo to show their visitors. Rather than actually being loving and interested grandparents.

The other issue is that your DH - in order to keep the peace - has taken matters into his own hands and had a pic printed.

Did you stop to think that he was doing this to get his fecking annoying father off your back and give you some peace?

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:59:49

I had a go at DH, I didn't tell him he couldn't give photos or tell him to bin photos - he is pissed off because I had a go at him, which was along the lines of "you just spent £20 on photos when we are supposed to be budgeting - I would have printed off photos I just hadn't got round to it, plus you were supposed to be watching DC1, instead you left her to run wild around the aisles whilst you printed of photos for your dad and I am trying to shop with baby and trying to chase dc1 nag nag nag" - that, in a nutshell.

aderynlas Tue 05-Feb-13 17:02:51

Spring will be here soon op, the house will be sorted you can take the dc out and you ll wonder what all the fuss about photos was for. Tell your fil that its too hectic to visit at bed time and arrange another time. Congratulations on your new dc.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 17:03:24

I have no probs with them visiting, I am just fucked whether they do or don't, If I request they visit at a more convenient time I am mad controlling precious DIL who hates her inlaws according to AIBU wisdom, if they choose not to visit its because of me being horrid to them and nothing to do with the fact that really apart from giving it the big I am - they aren't that interested in dgc2.

ThedementedPenguin Tue 05-Feb-13 17:04:57

Op is does sound like your FIL is a right pita.

I agree with another poster keep the photo for your house and tell FIL to come visit at a convinent(sp?) time and take his own pictures.

Although I do agree you went to far with your DP, but I understand how stressful a new baby and house move can be.

Have a cup of tea, calm down and maybe talk to your Dp about everything as it does seem like there's a lot going on behind the scenes.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 17:06:11

btw, I am completely aware that my attempts at trying to explain myself/the situation are probably resulting in making me sound even worse and the typical evil DIL, hence I will stop. I accept I am being unreasonable at being annoyed at DH for giving FIL photos.

Twitchy, you sound like you're under a huge amount of stress. Are you ok?

WorraLiberty Tue 05-Feb-13 17:10:12

Gosh, they're just photos you know?

Nothing to get wound up over.

MrsKeithRichards Tue 05-Feb-13 17:12:32

Let dh give his dad the pictures of dc2, none issue, be glad he's saved a job you've obviously not had time for.

Draw a line under the photographs, that's it done, over.

Is everything else ok?

LadyMargolotta Tue 05-Feb-13 17:12:42

OP try not to get stressed out about this. It's not worth it. Let your dh give the photos to your fil, and say to him that you would appreciate it if he takes charge of the photos from now on.

LeeCoakley Tue 05-Feb-13 17:13:23

As they visit at dc1's bedtime isn't dh in by then? If so, why is it inconveniencing you? He can entertain his own parents while you have a snuggle with dc1.

aderynlas Tue 05-Feb-13 17:14:39

You ve moved house, had a baby and you have a toddler, thats alot to manage op. Hope things settle down with your pils they are lucky to have your dc such a short drive away and should be able to plan a visit so that it doesnt clash with your little ones bedtime.

HopAndSkip Tue 05-Feb-13 17:21:22

YABSlightyU to be annoyed at DH about it, though £20 is a lot of money.

If FIL ask's again say "oh, you can take some when you're next over, bring a camera and I'll make sure there's some nice outfits for him to wear"
Then it's up to him to sort the printing and taking photos etc.

I completely understand the annoyance at him asking for photos but not bothering about DC much. My MIL has seen DD once in 6 months, barely ever ask's how she is, no christmas presents etc, the only contact is when she wants photos! No doubt to show off. Its irritating, but just stick to "You can take some when you next see DC", seems to be working well for me. smile

Crawling Tue 05-Feb-13 17:24:27

Im with you op fil sounds odd and controlling.

Right well this isn't aboiut photos is it? It's about you being overwhelmed by a difficult birth and mananging a newborn and a toddler and nobody in your family actually giving you any credit for being anything other than the person who hoes things. You raise the kids, you feed the baby, you sort the photos - you do lots and nobody is letting you 'be'. That's why you haven't got round to it. Because you're flattened by everything you have to 'do'.

Ok so - forgot the photos. I would be inclined to thank dh for doing it, say you flipped out and he was right BUT he also has to hear that the reason you flipped was that you're drowning here. He should ask fil and mil to take dc1 out for a morning or afternoon soon. He needs to be clear he is asking them to help. That you need a bit of tlc and he expects them to try and make time to help with that. You need to stop being the woman who does everything. Just stop. Feed the babies. Feed yourself. Make sure rats are climbing up the loo and otherwise do nothing for a bit. You need recovery time.

13Iggis Tue 05-Feb-13 17:29:39

I would be pleased to have dh take responsibility for his own side of the family, I'm always the one doing photos here!
Agree your fil sounds like a pain if he's desperate for photos but not really that bothered otherwise.
Also, he could take photos himself one assumes.

<<sigh>. ok hoes should be does obviously. Although if you are the woman who hoes too OP - just stop. It's winter!

blush grin

MmeLindor Tue 05-Feb-13 17:30:11

Well, you know what. I don't think they are 'just photos' Worra.

I think that the OP sounds exhausted, and that she is coping with the aftermath of a traumatic birth, a difficult recovery, a house move and juggling a bouncy toddler and a newborn.

I would guess that any spare time she has (HA!) she'd pretty much like to sit down, have a glass of wine cup of tea and a biscuit, and just chill.

Not faff about printing out photos for a demanding and PITA FIL.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Tue 05-Feb-13 17:31:06

Being a bit weird about a few photos OP. why didn't you just delegate in the first place as you are so busy?

MmeLindor Tue 05-Feb-13 17:31:15

I could just type 'I agree with NL' today, cause that is all I am doing.

Except for the hoes. I didn't mention the hoes.

pictish Tue 05-Feb-13 17:31:31

Yanbu in that your fil is a pain.
However, yabu about the rest of it.

Your dh can give his parents photographs of his children, any old time and any old how he likes.

Three months is enough time - you couldn't be bothered. Fair enough, you don't have to...but for crying out loud, don't bitch wehn your husband can.

Now drop it with your dh.

WorraLiberty Tue 05-Feb-13 17:31:56

I get that she's exhausted

But that's why I'm surprised she isn't pleased that her DH finally did the photos that FIL has been asking for, for 3 months.

It's one less job for her to do.

MmeLindor Tue 05-Feb-13 17:38:11

yes, that bit is slightly unreasonable - but it has gotten to be all about the photos rather than all about her.

Sometimes you can't see the woods for the trees, and you need some MNetters to chop them bastards down.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well MmeL - you should mention the hoes and then you'd find you get further through the trees grin I also note that I've urged the Op to make sure rats climb up the loo. That was supposed to be 'make sure rats aren't climbing up the loo' but never mind. Rats would amuse the toddler right?

Blimey what a lot of fuss about nothing.

If DH wanted to give his father some photos he wouldn't even ask me. Me not being the photo police.

From your title I expected you to say you FIL was a convicted sex offender and I was all ready to say you DH was being unreasonable.

maddening Tue 05-Feb-13 17:58:10

I would just have told df to email him pics straight off rather than stressing yourself trying to print off etc

Really fil should have been pestering his son about them rather than an exhausted mother of a newborn.

See it as df sorting it out like he should have in the first place rather than him giving in to in laws who were being unreasonable by pestering you.

catinboots Tue 05-Feb-13 17:58:22


Floggingmolly Tue 05-Feb-13 18:02:32

You are pissed off with your DH for printing off the photos instead of explaining that we have a lot on our plate at the moment... But your DH managed to get it done without the sky falling in, didn't he? Let it go, before you cause even more bad feeling.

MmeLindor Tue 05-Feb-13 18:07:34

Well, I didn't like to say that, NL.

I do think that posters should go easy on the OP. She is having a hard time of it. Flaming her for being upset about this is not helping.

And, yes I know that this is AIBU, but we do have some basic reading skills some empathy, even here.

CrapBag Tue 05-Feb-13 18:16:18

Actually OP, I think YANBU.

Yes 3 months may seem like a great deal of time, but when you have a newborn, a toddler and have had to move, I agree photos are way down the priority list.

If he wanted some photos that badly, they he could have taken some himself and got it sorted. Then when you did provide one, it wasn't suitable, he was incredibly rude then, I would not have gone out of my way to get him exactly what he wanted. What will happen when the latest one is 'too old' will he be hassling for more?

It sounds like they do far more for their other DGCs, I'm sure they could have made half an hour to arrange a suitable time and take the damn photo theirselves.

And I get the not wanting to spend £20. We are saving like made at the moment, I would not be happy at £20 being spent on photos that weren't for us just to stop someone else complaining.

HintofBream Tue 05-Feb-13 18:16:26

If you get this worked up over such a trivial matter, goodness know how you will cope with ILs and DH over the next 20 years or so of your DC's childhood.

pluCaChange Tue 05-Feb-13 18:22:51

Moving past the photo question, anyone who turns up at bedtime is definitely bring unreasonable. I don't answer the door from about suppertime onwards, as DS would just get overexcited and DD (the baby) is already squealing for food/cuddles. She is NOT squealing for Sky, double glazing, Jehovah's Witnesses or inconvrnient droppers-in. Nor are your children, OP, so just "suffer a rash of evening doorsteppers", and stop answering the door! wink If the ILs haven't rung ahead, they'll deserve this! grin

Joiningthegang Tue 05-Feb-13 18:43:14

Ya u - and a bit odd

Inertia Tue 05-Feb-13 18:48:24

Actually I don't think you are being unreasonable. I agree with Northern Lurker - this is about more than the photos.

What comes across to me is that you're tired, recovering from a difficult birth ( and it's a bit unfair for others to protest that 3 months is too long to recover, we have no idea what medical problems OP had), and stressed from a house move with no childfree time to get sorted. In the meantime, FIL regularly turns up at the most awkward time possible (despite suggestions for other times when he'd actually get more time with GC ), offers zero help but makes demands. Frankly I would have other priorities than photo printing too.

I was going to suggest emailing photos so he can print them himself, but you are already doing that.

Try not to be cross with DH though, he was trying to help. Might be worth telling DH that you can't afford the cost of regularly printing 20 pounds worth off photos, but it would be great if DH could take charge of emailing photos to FIL for him to get printed himself. I would also get DH to show FIL how to get photos printed himself so he has no excuse, and then ask for the Bounty photos back if he doesn't want them.

I also wouldn't be entertaining at bedtime either. FIL sounds a bit of a PITA - seems like it all has to be on his terms.

ll31 Tue 05-Feb-13 18:59:08

yabu, seems quite bizarre to get so worked up over this.

exoticfruits Tue 05-Feb-13 19:08:50

I can't see the problem.

Sashapineapple Tue 05-Feb-13 19:16:26

YABU. Why don't you just email him a few, takes all of 5 minutes and he can print them himself if he wants. Total non issue.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 19:17:16

Northern Lurker : your post made me laugh out loud, hoes and rats up toilets - certainly lowered my bp.

Inertia: thank you for understanding about the birth thing, I am still finding it difficult to do certain things and my physio has been delayed due to house move etc.

Everyone else who thinks I am odd/strange/over-reacting I don't think I am although I accept (for the millionth time) that I was being unreasonable with DH. I do think he was trying to do something nice for his dad, that is just the way he is, he is v close to his family and doesn't like hearing anything negative about them no matter how constructive. He also works away a lot so is very rarely here apart from weekeneds or the odd day like today.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 19:18:22

Sashapineapple: I do email him regularly - have done since DC2's birth, I mentioned it earlier.

I have changed my YABU to a YANBU. You email him pictures regularly. He chooses not to print them out. DH spends 20 quid of your money doing it so FIL is happy. Nope, YANBU. Sorry for the earlier YABU. thanks

CaseyShraeger Tue 05-Feb-13 20:01:09

If you have been emailing him photographs at a high enough resolution to print then I change my vote to YANBU (but YABU not to have mentioned that in your OP as it is a fairly critical point). If you have been emailing them at low resolution then YA still B a bit U but not so U as you appeared at first.

Uppermid Tue 05-Feb-13 20:08:42

Was also going to say yabu but you email pictures, have you suggested to fil that he can print them off?

Re the visiting, you need dh to tell them that visits at bedtime have to stop. They are welcome any other time but unless they are coming over to help with bedtime it's too disruptive. Fluff it up a bit and say how you want their visits to be enjoyable, and you'd like to spend decent time with them and this isn't possible when the children are tired and cranky

Yika Tue 05-Feb-13 20:10:35

I'm in the minority and think YADNBU. Your FIL sounds like a major pain the arse, and completely inconsiderate. Your DH shouldn't have had to get the man off your back. He shouldn't have been harassing you for prints in the first place! You sound very normal to me.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 20:10:41

When DC2 was born we were living in a different city - hence why he has photos emailed to him from Birth, they have not been cropped or altered because I just quickly upload them and email them. Don't have time to edit or make them smaller. Since we have moved close to them which has been about 2 months I still email him photos, dh works away a lot so I email him pics from the phone so he can see the DC's, so I just add FIL's email address to the email. But I have only ever given him a physical photo the once.

I didn't mention it in the OP because I thought (wrongly as it turns out) that he was being unreasonable enough to keep bugging me for photos when he doesn't come and see him and when I had already given him a photo.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 20:12:48

Inlaws don't have a printer.

Sashapineapple Tue 05-Feb-13 20:20:33

Sorry didn't see that bit. In that case YANBU. Tough luck if they haven't got a printer, they can put them on a memory stick and go into any camera, print shop, boots or library and print them. If they haven't got a memory stick then send them a link to one on amazon or something.

thixotropic Tue 05-Feb-13 20:24:42

In-laws might not have a printer, but Boots, Tesco, etc do... Time for your dh toexplain memory sticks and shop photo printing to HIS dad.
Yanbu op.
(have fun watching the rats climb the loo)

mum11970 Tue 05-Feb-13 20:28:15

I find grandparents can't do right from wrong half the time, they either come round too often or not often enough. May be he realises you don't like him very much so is giving you some space. Most Grandparents love to have pictures up of gc to show them off to their visitors.

changeforthebetter Tue 05-Feb-13 20:31:15

Oh FGS! FIL is being a PITA. H takes action to sort it out but it is not exactly to your liking....confused Stop being a control freak - his Dad, his decision. I am usually woolly and empathetic but really, if you want some actual problems, I have a selection I woulda apply donate some.... Congratulations on your baby brew

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 20:35:55

Changeforthebetter - have you read any of my posts? or is it just easier to have a go because reading something like the op or any of my responses gets in the way of you having a dig. Seriously- wtf do you know about my problems/lack of them or whatever, I posted here about fil/photos/me having a go at dh, by all means tell me I am being unreasonable call me a fucking nutter like a lot of folk have, but back the fuck off about "actual" problems because you seriously haven't a fucking clue. ta

MmeLindor Tue 05-Feb-13 20:42:55

Hide the thread, make a cup of tea and go find a funny thread to have a laugh on.

Its not worth it. There will still be lots of posters who won't RTFT and jump on you.

I can recommend the I hate feminism thread. It's v funny

Hulababy Tue 05-Feb-13 20:45:45

I can understand why your DH is annoyed tbh. You had a go at him for doing something that he probably thought would help. His dad wanted a photo, he has been asking for 3 months and DH probably thought it easier to just get them done and be over with it.

There are obviously far bigger issues going on with the PILs though. I doubt it is just about a photo or two.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 20:46:02

MmeLindor - you know, I am going to do exactly that or maybe go look at shiny pretty things via S+B. Thank you for being kind.

BabaYaya Tue 05-Feb-13 20:46:28


You may find the relationships board gives you support and ideas for dealing with your in-laws (and dh). I'm not sure you'll get much more from this thread as its in AIBU.


twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 20:47:20

Thank you babayaya

NellysKnickers Tue 05-Feb-13 21:03:19

Op, YABU. Probably down to hormones, lack of sleep and the stress of moving. It's his grandson, he wants a photo, its normal.

LadyInDisguise Tue 05-Feb-13 21:19:44

OP from your answers, you seem to be very angry against your FIL and I am getting that this is not just about photos but much much more than that.

I have to say, I don't think your DH had a bad idea re having newer photos printed as you would have to do it anyway (as you don't have a printer at home).
But I am getting the feeling that it wasn't just printing the photo that was an issue but the fact your DH was supposed to look after dc1 and he didn't whilst he was doing the printing.
And that you have some big underlying issues with your PIL. which makes me wonder why you have moved so close to them.

On the other side, your PIL ABU. They do have photos that you've send them. They do not want to take into account the fact that you have moved/had a difficult birth all at the same time therefore printing photos aren't on your priority list.

I have to say, the main thing that comes out for me is 'why have you moved close to your PIL?' It looks like a recipe for disaster.

pluCaChange Tue 05-Feb-13 21:25:50

So neither you nor your PIL have a photo printer, yet only you are responsible for getting to a shop, printing off the photos and sending/ uploading them to a photo printing site to be delivered? hmm

MummytoKatie Tue 05-Feb-13 21:37:37

Maybe a little unreasonable. I go by the rule that I deal with my parents, dh deals with his. for example, dd's bday is at the end of March. 9 sets of people sent her presents. 8 got thank you notes within 2 weeks. Asked dh if he wanted me to do his parents one or if he would. He said he would. Card definitely still on his desk in May but Not My Problem so I left him to get on with it.

Life is so much easier if you disengage from the day to day stuff. As of now photos for FIL is Not Your Problem so leave dh to it. If asked for more "oh - dh does the photos - he's much better at sorting those sorts of things."

Not Your Problem. Dh wanted ownership. He has it. Yay!

TheFallenNinja Tue 05-Feb-13 21:41:20

So DH gave his dad some photos of his child and your mad about it.


frustratedashell Tue 05-Feb-13 22:28:23

OP i do sympathise. YANBU. The line that explains some of this is when you say your husband works away. You have had 2 major upheavals, difficult birth and a house move. DH not being there to help much must be difficult. Add to that a Fil who is a pain, im not surprised you feel stressed.
Get Dh to tell FIL not to come over at DC bedtime and make sure he understands that its a bad time to visit. If he still arrives I wouldnt answer the door! Take care of yourself.

exoticfruits Tue 05-Feb-13 22:37:06

Next time have nothing to do with it, if it upsets you. Just get DH to email them to his father and his father can get them printed.

lurkerspeaks Tue 05-Feb-13 23:27:20


don't understand tbh why you didn't just e.mail them some pictures weeks ago. I'm constantly being sent e.mail photos of children I am far less related to than your poor FIL who wanted a picture of his grandchild.

READ THE THREAD. Sorry for shouting but she has been emailing pictures.

lurkerspeaks Tue 05-Feb-13 23:35:22

Sorry. I missed that totally (I think I missed page 5 of the thread). In which case YANBU and I would have been even blunter with your FIL than you have been.

No is a complete sentence in my vocabulary.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 06-Feb-13 00:00:24

YADNBU. Other people need to give you a break. Hope DH sees you are at end of tether and pressure re photos from PITA FIL should not have been tolerated, nor should bedtime visits. DH needs to put you and your DCs first, not FIL.

Sorry for shouting lurker blush

StinkyWicket Wed 06-Feb-13 01:25:15

YAB a bit U OP, as you could have asked your DH to print them weeks ago if that would have got them off your back (or FIL could have asked his own son, or your DH could have done it the first time you told him FIL asked.)

In fact, I guess YANBU grin

YA definintely NBU about the £20 on photos. We are trying to seriously cut back here as well, yet DH insisted on a Macdonalds for the kids today hmm. It's not the burgers I object to, it's the fact that he has now spent our full weekly budget and needs more nappies! also a bit jelly I didn't get a big mac

Morloth Wed 06-Feb-13 03:31:01

Meh, your FIL wanted photos, your DH gave him photos.

Problem solved surely?

Just forget about it.

rootypig Wed 06-Feb-13 03:53:56

YANBU. I had far less difficult birth than you three months ago and have not got round to updating flickr / printing photos for (my, much loved) family as, well, I have a tiny baby! you have two DCs, FFS, house move, birth to recover from. FIL is being PITA, you have emailed him photos so he can bloody sort them out himself!!! and DH not understanding / supportive. I get very ratty about women being expected to take responsibility for DP's family's emotional needs especially where the relationship is difficult. DH should be supporting / protecting you. sounds as though you need to do things on your own terms more - get DH to address timing of visits with them for a start. and agree with other posters - if money is tight, keep the lovely photos of DC2 for your house.

good luck with recovery and boxes biscuit

lottiegarbanzo Wed 06-Feb-13 11:52:15

I suspect some people earlier on the thread might have presumed you had a photo printer at home - because that's what they have. They dismiss £20 as trivial - because it would be trivial to them.

I had an easy birth with baby dd, no toddler, no house move, no nagging FIL and it still took me four months to print any pictures, though I wanted to do it, DP wanted one for his desk, me to give to GPs. It was another task, amongst other tasks, which required making a choice, cropping the pictures, saving them on a stick, going to the shops, remembering / having time while I was there, then, because I hadn't done it before, getting assistance, from someone who made a mistake with size so I had to do it all again and, both times, going back later (realistically the next day) to collect them. Then I found the borders weren't where I'd expected, so my favourite one was over-cropped and useless. Time for another go.

A tiny task but, with many other tiny tasks and a new baby, one that wasn't done immediately. Well, what a lazy slattern (this thread has taught me) I am.

Cluffyfunt Wed 06-Feb-13 13:04:24

I don't get why the fil didn't just take his own photos confused

My 80yr old DGDAD does this, prints out some for me too.
In fact that's what all my family do.

When I get round to printing some that dh and I have taken we send some to them (although I rarely get round to it as I'm so disorganised!).


Viviennemary Wed 06-Feb-13 13:11:26

I can't see the harm in what your DH did. If he gave away the only copies I could see why you would be annoyed. I really just don't understand why you have a problem with this.

piprabbit Wed 06-Feb-13 13:13:36

Step 1. Make DH responsible for interacting with his parents.
Step 2. Encourage DH to email photos to ILs.
Step 3. Encourage DH to introduce ILs to the joys of Photobox.
Step 4. DH sends pics to ILs as and when, they arrange to print off the ones they like to the size they like. You have zero stress.

Please take a step back from this, for your own peace of mind.

gotthemoononastick Wed 06-Feb-13 13:21:22

Please leave OP alone....lots of stress and work with a new baby,never mind a relocation.Doesn't matter if she is massively unreasonable...would not dream of hassling my own daughter ,who is in the same position,for a thing right now,as she barely has time to go to the Lav.Silly flouncing husband wanting to bin photos now.

pluCaChange Wed 06-Feb-13 14:56:30

With any luck, FIL will turn his nose up at what DH has done, and reveal the frustratingness of his nagging!

Any luck on the nursery? Next time you get the baby weighed, check for one of those local listings magazines, as a "drag and drop" (absolutely NOT stay and play) playgroup could give you a few hours to have a rest, even if it's just mumsnetting napping in thr car, parked nearby!

Crinkle77 Wed 06-Feb-13 15:58:47

3 months is a bit much but then again has he got a camera of his own that he could take a photo with?

Goldmandra Thu 07-Feb-13 08:10:48

3 months is a bit much but then again has he got a camera of his own that he could take a photo with?

The OP has emailed him lots of photos so he doesn't need to take any of his own, just get off his backside and get them printed himself!

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