to detest the poems requesting money as a wedding gift?

(286 Posts)
Moominlandmidwinter Tue 05-Feb-13 14:38:26

We've been invited to three weddings in the last year. Each invitation has included a vomit-inducing poem about how the bride and groom want money as a wedding gift. Is there really any need? I didn't have a gift list or any other kind of mention about what we would like included with the invitations when I married three years ago. We found that the majority of guests gave us money or vouchers anyway. It just feels so grabby. Will stick a fiver in the card though wink.

AnaisB Tue 05-Feb-13 14:42:52

I don't mind people saying they'd prefer money - as long as the request doesn't rhyme.

vladthedisorganised Tue 05-Feb-13 14:51:16

I have (just about) come to terms with the requests for money, but the vomit-inducing poems are another matter. They never scan well.

I wonder if anyone's ever replied in kind:
"So happy for you on your special day
We hope great joy will come your way
And, while we know that others may
Choose to mark your wedding day
By giving you money for your pot
We thought that we had better not
We hunted low and hunted high
For a special gift to remember us by
And so we hope you will adore
This special, useful ironing board."

pigletmania Tue 05-Feb-13 14:53:27

Lol vlad good one grin

Moominlandmidwinter Tue 05-Feb-13 14:55:59

It's the rhyme that annoys me! A simple note saying that they'd appreciate a cash gift so that they can put it towards larger items (or similar) is fine. It's as though they're too ashamed to ask directly, so have to cloak their request with a twee poem.

'What we'd really like is a gift of money,
we hope you don't think we're being funny.'

Etc. Yuk.

Moominlandmidwinter Tue 05-Feb-13 14:56:54

Vlad- brilliant!

rumbelina Tue 05-Feb-13 14:58:39

Agreed. Don't mind people asking for money so they can buy things they want.

But the poems make me heave.

havingastress Tue 05-Feb-13 15:01:39

I hate gift lists as well.

If I want to buy the couple something, I will ring and enquire as to whether there is a gift list. If not, then I would probably take something (gift candle, bottle of champers, something simple) or whack some cash in the card as per above.

I just think it's rude directly asking for something!! Just me I guess. I see the practicality of gift lists but do think it's rude to put them in with the invite.

atthewelles Tue 05-Feb-13 15:01:59

LOL Vlad. grin

I actually think asking outright for money is rude. Nowadays most people will give gift cheques anyway, because its much handier than thinking of a present for someone who has all the crockery, cutlery and bed linen they need (unlike years ago when brides were often about 21 years of age and leaving home for the first time).
But some people can be embarassed into giving more than they can afford if they have to give a cash gift. I know a lot of pensioners for instance who buy thinks in sales to give as wedding gifts because they just can't afford to cough up a hundred quid or whatever the going rate is for wedding gifts.

And putting it in rhyme doesn't make it any less grabby.

havingastress Tue 05-Feb-13 15:02:26

I think you should share the poem though grin

Go on, let's hear it!

firesidechat Tue 05-Feb-13 15:04:31

Don't mind the requests for money because it's so much easier than hunting for a present.

Loath and detest the poems though. They are a bit naff and make me cringe inside.

memphis83 Tue 05-Feb-13 15:11:30

I hate them. Anyone who asks for money via a poem gets a photo album from us.
By bestfriend is getting married and I told them if they sent me a poem she would get an album. The have just sent a request for money towards s family holiday.
I am getting married and don't want to ask for anything thinking people would give money or vouchers if there was no gift list but family are trying to put pressure on to put a note in. So what would you prefer a request for money or no note? As long as people came I wouldn't care if we get anything but putting that sounds just as twee as a poem!

Panzee Tue 05-Feb-13 15:13:25

"contact <parents> re gifts". Tell your family to ask for cash. Then you don't have to. grin

ENormaSnob Tue 05-Feb-13 15:13:38

Yanbu

I think it crass to put any mention of presents/cash request in with the invitation.

The poems especially enrage me.

vladthedisorganised Tue 05-Feb-13 15:21:19

My cousin had a nice one:
"We would love it if you could attend our wedding. The important thing to us is that as many of our friends and family can attend and enjoy themselves with us. However, some people have asked to buy us gifts so we've set up a small gift list with x; alternatively, if you want to buy us a beer for our honeymoon we'll raise a glass to you in x!"
They got more than the price of a pint from most relatives, but it was better than a vomitous verse.

Moominlandmidwinter Tue 05-Feb-13 16:37:51

This is the latest one.

^For a couple of years we've lived in sin,
we have a toaster, a kettle and a stainless steel bin.
Saucepans and towels we have many,
Corkscrews and flannels, we don't need any.
We just want you with us to celebrate our day,
But if you insist on a gift anyway...

What we'd really like is a gift of money,
We hope you don't think we're being funny.
We'll put it all together and buy something that's best,
As a reminder of our day and our wonderful guests! X^

Yes, they make me puke.

It is totally unnecessary to request money, anyway. Just send out an invitation, wait until people ask where your guest list is, and tell them you've got loads of practical stuff so please don't worry. They will then give you cash. Those who insist on giving you something else are those who really wanted to do that and would, almost certainly, have done it anyway.

And you won't piss anyone off with twee crappy verses.

(Sorry, I am aware it's not 'you', OP, I'm just replying in my mind to the irritating twits out there.)

Maryz Tue 05-Feb-13 16:52:49

God, that ones' particularly revolting.

It would make you want to reply

"we don't think your'e being funny,
but we don't have very much money;
so we won't insist on a gift anyway,
we'd rather be present on your special day"

[passive-aggressive smiley face]

Maryz Tue 05-Feb-13 16:53:06

one's, not ones', sorry.

ChuffMuffin Tue 05-Feb-13 16:58:23

I really don't like the poems. I agree with LRD. If you send me an invite with no poem in it I'll probably end up giving cash as a gift anyway, that I really don't mind. I don't mind reasonable gift lists (I went to a wedding once where the couple had a small wedding with a ridiculous gift list. £300 for a coffee maker, £80 crystal glasses.. none of us who went could afford anything like that, wtf!). But there's something special about the money poem that tips me over the edge..!

Trills Tue 05-Feb-13 17:00:44

YANBU to detest the poems.

YABU to object to including the details of a gift list in an invitation.

Y a probably BU to object to requests for donations instead of gifts.

PuffPants Tue 05-Feb-13 17:06:06

YANBU

I hate them too.

Leeds2 Tue 05-Feb-13 17:12:51

I loathe those poems with a vengeance!! Is anyone on MN brave enough to admit to having sent one at their own wedding, lol?

I also hate a gift list being included with the invite. No problem with one being produced if I ask!

Well, in that case I am definitely 'U' since I slightly object to gift lists, let alone requests for donations.

Sorry, yes, I meant what leeds said, not that I object to them existing, but I object to being sent them with the invitation, it's rude.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 05-Feb-13 17:17:53

YANBU. They are vile.

But I haven't got my head round it being ok to ask for money in the first place, it's crass and vulgar as far as I'm concerned.

Trills Tue 05-Feb-13 17:21:11

A gift list is not a demand, it is merely a suggestion.

I know, trills. confused

I think everyone else does, too.

BalloonSlayer Tue 05-Feb-13 17:23:18

Reply

We want to give a present
With an impact that will last
So enclosed is a toaster
Please shove it up your arse

HappyJoyful Tue 05-Feb-13 17:24:28

Slightly off the specific topic of poems (yuck inducing rubbish) YANBU.

I recall a friend was invited to a wedding not that long a go and the couple ear marked specifically which part of the dinner service they were requesting that someone had to buy - based on the perceived income (or possibly known) of the invitee! My friend was told for instance to buy '2 side plates' her manager (I think it must have been a colleague) was 'told' to buy 3 dinner plates.

I also remember an invite I received about 8 years ago that had one of those irksome poems about contributing to the honeymoon via a specific company - when one phoned the minimum voucher was £20 - now don't get me as a tight arse- I hugely resented being told that that was what I was expected to spend (and dutifully didn't!)

MrsKoala Tue 05-Feb-13 17:25:08

At the moment I am particularly furious about the rudest wedding invitation ever received, so yanbu. It did not have a poem but had an a4 typed begging letter justifying why they needed as much money as possible for house repairs...including photos. Also other things about the invite were so rude I almost posted about it but thought it may it me! RUDE RUDE RUDE!!!! Is all I can say.

Trills Tue 05-Feb-13 17:26:00

So why is it bad to put in a list of suggestions, when you know that 90%+ of the people receiving the information are going to ask you for suggestions if you don't include them?

TheElephantIsADaintyBird Tue 05-Feb-13 17:26:24

Threads like this wind me up something rotten! If you were going to give money anyway then why get pissed off cos they asked for it? I'd much rather get something I know they want rather than waste money on a guess.

Just so I know for the future, what is the correct thing to do when having a wedding? Do you just invite people and hope for the best with presents or money? What if you then end up with 10 toasters, 15 espresso machines and a fiver in a card?

SpicyPear Tue 05-Feb-13 17:27:44

Do it MrsKoala you tease. Name chabge if you have to...

OP YANBU. Those rhymes are rude and vom inducing.

Nancy66 Tue 05-Feb-13 17:28:02

I like your poem Balloon - shame Hallmark went bust, or they'd be biting your hand off for that one....

thebody Tue 05-Feb-13 17:32:39

Balloon ha ha great.

We didn't do a wedding list for our wedding. It's rude to ask for stuff. Wedding or birthday. Bad manners.

trills - same reason it's usually rude to suggest someone gives you a gift, I think.

You don't send out invitations for your birthday, or your knees up with mates, with an added 'oh, and I'd really fancy a new kitchen so chip in a tenner, will you?'. That's why.

Maryz Tue 05-Feb-13 17:34:15

My mum always tells the story of the day she rang (no online buying in those days) and ordered a present off a list for a friend's daughter. They were pretty broke, and everything on the list was huge money, so they chose almost the cheapest thing - a jug.

Back in the day, they were sent to the venue, and displayed, with a card giving the name of the donor. When she arrived at the wedding, there was a table groaning with gifts and at the very front was the smallest milk jug you could ever image (part of one of those teeny tiny coffee sets) about two inches high, with a huge label attached to it saying "Mr&MrsMaryzparents".

She said she nearly died of embarrassment.

TheFallenNinja Tue 05-Feb-13 17:37:48

"We're having a bash, give us some cash"

smile

Ragwort Tue 05-Feb-13 17:38:05

I always understood that you sent out invitations without a gift list, then (traditionally) guests would ask the bride's mother if there was a gift list, a little book would be sent around with individual pages that you tore off when you selected what gift to buy grin - then posher people started having lists at department stores where you would be directed.

These days when so many people have homes together before the wedding it just seems totally naff to enclose a gift list, or a twee request for cash - it really appears grabby. Most guests who know you will know your taste/what you have and give you something appropriate (or cash, or champagne), of course you might not like it, just as the guests might not like your choice of menu at the reception. But a wedding shouldn't be about the gifts. I am always amused by people who clearly spend thousands ++ on a wedding and then ask for cash for the honeymoon. Why not have a smaller wedding and pay for your own honeymoon (as we did grin - and if anyone asked about gifts we made it very clear that we did not want any - I think we only got one in the end, which was one more than we wanted!).

These days we only seem to be invited to second or third weddings so I give charity gifts, which probably aren't appreciated. grin.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Tue 05-Feb-13 17:40:02

This has been done before many many many many times. While the poems are universally derided, gift lists and money are a contentious issue.

In fact, weddings....fuck 'em.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Tue 05-Feb-13 17:40:54

And they always always always always contain the word "grabby".

That's the rule.

MrsKoala Tue 05-Feb-13 17:40:58

Just some of the rude things were the gift letter which was not only totally ott but really sneering about the bad taste of the people they bought the house from, slagging off decor with no idea whether any of the recipients had that same decor. They said what colours guests could wear, not just don't wear black but actually a list of colours. Ds wasn't on the invite, fine, but there was a note in which said 'if your dc's name in not on the invitation, they are not invited' erm okay, a simple 'sorry no kids' would do. Hotel costs £120 per night. 2 night stay mandatory. It goes on. angry

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Tue 05-Feb-13 17:44:36

Koala wow! Just...wow! shock

MrsKoala Tue 05-Feb-13 17:46:34

That's not the worst, the worst would out me totally tho.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Tue 05-Feb-13 17:48:25

Gwan gwan gwan...!

ENormaSnob Tue 05-Feb-13 17:48:53

I think we need more details mrskoala grin

Have you declined?

IrrelevantElephant Tue 05-Feb-13 17:49:33

I got an awful one too-

We need a new kitchen and bathroom too
But asking for big things isn't the thing to do
So please put some cash in an envelope
To give our little house a bit of hope
A box will be at the reception hall
To collect your wishes- thanks to all!

I was going to give money anyway, but jeeeeezz that's a pretty bad poem.

stargirl1701 Tue 05-Feb-13 17:52:25

I hate being asked for cash but love a gift list. I'd much rather buy a present I know is wanted and will be kept & used for years rather than randomly choosing something that'll be eBayed, regifted or put into the charity shop.

SpicyPear Tue 05-Feb-13 17:52:37

Koala you ate a drip feeding tease. I neeeeeed the gory details.

Fanjounchained Tue 05-Feb-13 17:56:08

Threads like this remind me why I am living in sin !

MrsKoala Tue 05-Feb-13 17:56:13

The pics were of a completely normal looking house with look at this disgusting x what would possess anyone to think that looks nice, we must immediately replace it so need your money before we vomit ourselves inside out. I reckon most people would have opened it and thought, sad my xlooks like that.

TheElephantIsADaintyBird Tue 05-Feb-13 17:56:49

I still don't understand, so is a gift list bad form now?

We are planning on getting married next year and I was really looking forward to doing our gift list. We've rented fully furnished houses for years and don't have much stuff of our own. I was going to make sure there were gifts of all different prices on the list, or should I just not bother with a list at all?

Seems like there's just no pleasing some people

megglevache Tue 05-Feb-13 17:58:07

Yanbu

SpicyPear Tue 05-Feb-13 18:00:23

Elephant it's fine to have a gift list as long as you make a lot of fuss about how you didn't really want one but people kept asking etc. It's admitting you want the goodies and are relishing the opportunity to milk friends and family for household items that is bad form.

Maryz Tue 05-Feb-13 18:01:05

So, did you go Koala?

And did you buy them some twigs an pebbley bits?

SpicyPear Tue 05-Feb-13 18:01:16

That really needed an smile at the end.

Maryz Tue 05-Feb-13 18:03:22

Elephant, you can have a gift list, but you don't send a printed out "fill in and return" list with your invitation.

You inform everyone close to you where the gift list is, and then guests will ask your mother, bridesmaid, best man etc if they want to buy a gift. And if they want to give money they will.

And, to be fair, if they want to buy you a 50p print from a charity shop they can do that too. Unless you definitely don't want them to come if they don't buy the "right" present.

MrsKoala Tue 05-Feb-13 18:06:37

Having said that we had no gift list and hardly any fucker bought us a thing. They came along had free booze and food all day and fucked off without so much as a kiss my arse!

ratbagcatbag Tue 05-Feb-13 18:07:58

I asked for money in our wedding invites, however no poem, something along the lines of "we have decided nit to do a gift list as after seven years together we have everything for our home, what is important to us is your presence at our wedding so we can share our special day with you, if you wish to still give something, a contribution towards a meal on our honeymoon would be lovely, however it is not expected. Can't remember exact words, most people hae money, some none and others bought gifts. It totally didn't matter to us, but after having a birthday bash where I got around30 bottles of wine and chocs, it was safer to direct people to something we would like. I'm more than happy to get gift lists or money requests. Poems are cheesy though.

TheElephantIsADaintyBird Tue 05-Feb-13 18:08:33

Would it not just be easier to say in the invite that we've set up a gift list? I couldn't give a monkeys if anyone turned up empty handed but the lis is there for those that do want to get us something.

Do I just write something along the lines of "please come to our wedding on blah blah date at blah blah venue. Here's a gift list we made, no pressure if you don't want to get anything though." As long as it doesn't rhyme I'm good to go, right?

Porkster Tue 05-Feb-13 18:09:27

I think twee little requests for money are the height of vulgarity.

In fact, I think people that already live together or have been married before shouldn't ask for anything.

We had a list, at a store. If anyone wanted to buy from it, they contacted my parents for details.

(I realise it probably sounds like I got married in 1950. It was the late 90s)

stargirl1701 Tue 05-Feb-13 18:12:27

I had a 'Show of Presents' about 3 months after the wedding where everyone could see (&touch) all the gifts from the gift list. This went down very well with the older guests.

Trills Tue 05-Feb-13 18:13:49

I think it is much easier to include on the bit of paper with useful details (that comes in the envelope with the invitation) "we are John Lewis #123456 if you'd like to get us a gift" rather than "call my mum on 07123 456789 if you'd like to get us a gift".

jellybeans Tue 05-Feb-13 18:14:57

Doesn't bother me.

elephant - no, people will love you if you do a gift list.

Why not just send a link to a website with details of how to get to the venue and a gift list on there? Or send a postcard for them to RVSP on with a message saying if people want any further details please get in touch.

trills - well, I am with you there.

'Call my mum' ... isn't that doubly rude, giving the mum and job to do as well?

Trills Tue 05-Feb-13 18:16:54

I know a couple who had two versions of that piece of paper:
one with a gift list of actual items, for older relatives who would like to buy a thing
one with a suggestion of honeymoon donation, for younger friends who were happy to use the money that they would have spent on a gift in whatever way would make them happiest

Trills Tue 05-Feb-13 18:18:20

How is a link to a website useful - you're still saying "here is my gift list", you're just making it slightly harder for people to get to it?

I'm getting married soon, and whilst I'd love cash ( really need new curtains for the dining room or a honeymoon would be a treat) it just seems really cheeky and entitled to ask for anything, esp using a cheesy poem. So no list, no poem - I'll just be grateful and genuinely appreciate anything I get

The difference is that if you send a gift list in a personalized invitation, you're putting people on the spot individually.

If you put a link on a website, it is fairly obvious you mean it as a general piece of info.

The bottom line is, you don't want to make people who genuinely can't afford stuff feel shit. That's really all it is. I know some people would rather their mates didn't splash out on coming at all if they're not well off, but there is no way to make that feel nice for people. So it's much better not to make individuals feel you might expect a gift from them. IMO.

Trills Tue 05-Feb-13 18:26:42

I don't agree with your distinction (obviously).

The piece of paper with info on contains all kinds of info that may not be necessary for everyone to know - not everyone needs to stay over, not everyone will need driving directions. It is a general piece of paper with info for those who want or need it. You just ignore the info that does not apply to you.

I think that if you feel shit because the information has been included, when most of the people receiving the information will be glad of it, then that's your problem.

If you feel that the people inviting you to their wedding will think badly of you for not getting them a gift then that is an issue with your relationship with them, not an issue with what information they include alongside the invitation.

Porkster Tue 05-Feb-13 18:27:14

We didn't put any reference to our list or telephone numbers on our invite. I didn't even want to have one, but that idea stressed my mum out too much.

We went to a wedding last summer (2nd for both) where they said no presents and no cash in their invitation. But as an alternative, they suggested guests could donate to their local hospice on the day.

It was refreshing after a glut of naff poems asking for cash.

Fair enough, trills.

I do think there is a big difference between information about places to stay, and asking people to give you money or a present. But then, I do care quite a lot about people feeling bad about money because I know I have quite a lot of not-well-off mates. I probably wouldn't think about it much if I knew lots of people who're better off.

OTOH, if people think badly of me because I don't get them an expensive enough present, frankly, I would rather not know them. I don't think it's 'an issue with my relationship with them' - it's because they're rude.

fackinell Tue 05-Feb-13 18:53:44

Oooh this just reminded me of a wedding I went to, exes friend, hated the girl!!

They had a cardboard box at the main door which was pointed out on arrival. Later in the evening, the bride walked around with it asking individuals if they had contributed and if not, would they?

She also did an old 'Scottish tradition' (that this Scot has never heard of) which involved the men giving her money to lift her dress and the women giving her money to put it down.

Gave her fuck all but was tempted to take €50 out the box to pay for the cab back from the back arse of beyond!!

specialknickers Tue 05-Feb-13 19:11:59

I don't like requests for presents or money TBH. Tis naff. Never seen a poem demanding cash though, that really takes the biscuit.

Elephant When we married three years ago, we didn't mention gifts at all on the invite and were wondering what would happen... We got home from honeymoon to a massive pile of amazing presents, really special because people had chosen things they liked, which means whenever we use those things we can think of them. We also got tonnes of cash. Not a single toaster either - bonus.

Bue Tue 05-Feb-13 19:55:29

We included a link to our wedding website in the invitation (simple site made with Blogger) and on the website there was a link to our list (along with loads of other wedding info). Almost everyone found it just fine.

The problem we did have was that (mostly older) people began sending gifts from across the pond to the UK and we were incurring HUGE customs bills and had to refuse shipments! So we had to sort that out, and then mass email people telling them thank you SO much for the generosity but please do not take this course of action. Awkward.

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 05-Feb-13 20:00:36

Hate requests for money with a passion, poem or no poem. Its akin to charging an entry fee. If you cant afford your honeymoon or need to recoup the costs of the wedding then cut back or save for longer rather than expect guests to pay.

I dont mind a wedding list available if asked for and i usually do it the couple dont live together already and are just starting out. If they already have a home then i stick with a bottle of wine or something like that same for second marriages.

lollilou Tue 05-Feb-13 20:41:46

I got married, I had a poem, we went to Tenerife on honeymoon.

Go ahead do your worst grin

HecateWhoopass Tue 05-Feb-13 20:47:54

I don't like them either.

i realise it's considered fine, I get it's seen as practical. I understand that there's no point someone giving you something you don't need, times have moved on, yadda yadda yadda...

Doesn't matter. grin I still think it's rude to ask for anything. So gift lists are out too. grin the only acceptable response to "what would you like" is "nothing, really, it's fine. I just want your company."

They then have to beat it out of you, at which point you humbly suggest a packet of hankies and they buy you a toaster to go with the other 132 toasters that will be given to you on the day grin

Any deviation from this procedure is Very Bad Form.

I did once get a gimmee yer money poem from some distant relative I've never met. I amused myself by composing a suitable reply. "thanks for your verse, with your eyes on my purse..."

Didn't send it, of course. Before anyone keels over in shock grin

Skinnywhippet Tue 05-Feb-13 20:54:51

It's shocking. I hate how comercialised wedding have become, but then I only had about 12 guests and decided to get married 2 weeks before the wedding day! No gift list, friends just bought what they wanted to give. Have 2 beautiful pieces of art for our house which are my favourite.

Curiosa Tue 05-Feb-13 22:02:57

What about B listers who are only invited to the evening do. Should they be asked to buy a present? I'm not sure of the etiquette on this one.

NinthWavingAtTheSnowman Tue 05-Feb-13 22:06:21

We got one of these recently, DH and I were pissing ourselves at it

"When it comes to our gift, don't be rash
How about a little cash?"

DONT BE RASH GIVE US YOUR CASH

NOW

soverylucky Tue 05-Feb-13 22:18:36

The problem with asking for money is that when things are a bit tight you can with a bit of savvy shopping get a gift and they don't know how much you have spent. When you give money you end up sometimes feeling embarrased or tight.
I HATE the poems. Just invite people to your wedding. Most people assume that you do not want a kettle or a toaster and will give money. Some will give nothing and a few will give you a gift.

It bothers me that people think it is totally unacceptable to receive a gift that you do not want. When it is your birthday you don't give a gift list. When it is christmas you don't give a list (not unless you are 5 years old or a bit of an idiot).
FWIW I was very young and had nothing when I got married. People bought us bed linen, towels, cutlery, plates etc. We only had one duplicate gift.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Tue 05-Feb-13 22:22:52

Def not curiosa. B list = no gift requires IMO. Although if you'd like to of course that's lovely.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Tue 05-Feb-13 22:29:53

I get that the polite thing is to not mention gifts and then people call your mum etc etc but it only works if people know the rules. Which they don't generally. Gift list in the invite is so usual now that if its not there people just assume there isn't one and get what they want/ nothing. Which of course is fine and good (if we are all pretending to be selfless and polite grin) but maybe not the ideal outcome if you've spent 2 weekends schlepping round John Lewis optimistically zapping le cruessettes with a bar code scanner thingy?

MrsKoala Tue 05-Feb-13 22:37:50

Actually soverylucky I do give a gift list at Xmas and birthday blush I keep a list of things I see thru the year but wouldn't buy myself as too frivolous. Then I give to dh in case he needs suggestions, I end up with a nice combo of treats I know I want and lovely surprises.

So out of curiosity to all you who wouldn't do a list, would you go to a wedding with no gift? I only ask as at my wedding last month we got hardly anything. We didn't do a list and didn't want anything pricey or specific, but I would have liked to have received something personal as a nice memory. I would never have turned up empty handed. I was quite upset. My sister and close friends didn't give me anything, just my parents gave me a cheque sad

MrsKoala Tue 05-Feb-13 22:42:18

I meant to say the Xmas list came after one year when I got about 20 bath bombs and a book on the history of electricity confused

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 05-Feb-13 22:50:43

MrsKoala, were your guests invited to the whole day or many just evening only?

MrsKoala Tue 05-Feb-13 23:10:19

All whole day, free bar, food etc. it was implied after that because it was a registry office and a pub do it wasn't a 'proper' wedding. So didn't deserve a 'proper' gift.

mrs - that's rotten. sad How horrible. And really, really shit to say it wasn't a proper wedding. In fact I think I remember you saying this before (I bloody hope it was you because I hope there aren't two people whose families said this!).

I wouldn't turn up to a wedding without a gift and I would always try to make that gift something the couple wanted, whether that was money or something of a list or the (slightly dreaded) 'surprise me'. I don't see what being invited to the evening do has to do with it, either. I think I would bring a smaller gift if that happened but I wouldn't just turn up empty handed.

MrsKoala Tue 05-Feb-13 23:18:42

Yes lrd that was me, sorry for going on about it on here blush but I was so surprised. It would have meant so much to have something as a keepsake.

Oh, god, no, believe me, I would be going on about that til kingdom come! And 'surprised' wouldn't cover it. Honestly, that is really shit of them. I'm so sorry.

MortifiedAdams Tue 05-Feb-13 23:28:09

I didnt put a poem in or a list or indeed mention gifts in any way in our invite.

We got some lovely gifts, including some.home.made, vouchers and cash. There may well have been people who didnt give anything. We had no duplicates and no household appliances.

Why is it always assumed that if you dont include a list you will get seven toaster - thats an old cliche that is said a heck lot more than actually done

Fanjounchained Tue 05-Feb-13 23:28:15

That's crap Mrs

Although I doubt that we will ever actually get married "if " we ever did, I'd like to do it pretty much the way you described, except we'd probably bugger off and get married somewhere warm, then come back and have a celebration with all our family. As we've been living together for about 10yrs (together 17) we have the toaster, bed linen etc. Our house if falling in around us but I would never dream of asking for cash to fund repairs, I'd be happy with a nice scented candle or a nice bottle of wine - as I like both ! If people are feeling are more generous and want to spend more then that's very generous, but I don't expect...

MrsKoala Tue 05-Feb-13 23:36:05

What I found saddest was the nct group We had only been part of for a few months gave us a beautiful hand made babysitting 'voucher' and a paid for meal at a lovely restaurant and some picture frames and my family and friends I've had for years didn't bother with anything. I just feel so hurt, but hat I can't go on about without looking 'grabby'.

apostropheuse Tue 05-Feb-13 23:58:32

I think it's rude and vulgar to ask for anything at all to be honest - either a gift or money. It makes the person appear greedy. I think you should receive anything you're given gratefully with a smile and a thanks.

Even the hideous jardiniere and stand I received from a great aunt was appreciated, because she had taken the time and given the thought to buying it for us. It also gave us a giggle on many occasions! grin

meddie Wed 06-Feb-13 00:06:09

Here you go moominlandmidwinter

Thank you for your invite,
You're poem made me stabby,
I don't mind buying presents
but rhyming for cash is grabby.

I went onto the t'internet,
and asked was I being U,
The mumsnetters agreed I wasn't,
It was a vulgar thing to do

So I thought I would reply to your invite,
But attempt to put it in verse,
So I will be attending your wedding,
But I wont be bringing my purse.

ComposHat Wed 06-Feb-13 00:40:53

Erm I am feeling a bit bad now.

We are sending out invites in the next few days. We asked for vouchers (no rhyme) I hated the idea of asking for cash, but after several people asked me what we wanted, we sort of panicked and said John Lewis voucher please.

Have I committed a huge faux pas. Do I need to don a fire-retardant suit?

StuntGirl Wed 06-Feb-13 01:14:19

The rhyming verses are a bit twee but I couldn't give a fuck if people want money or presents or neither.

Actually since I always get some kind of present for celebratory events I'd prefer it if the hosts gave me a clue as to the kind of thing they want anyway.

Summerblaze Wed 06-Feb-13 01:28:19

YANBU. I hate the poems.

For my wedding we had a small book with presents of all prices, most under £50 but some for as little as £5 to give to people when they asked if there was anything we wanted. They then ripped the page out of the book.

There was no mention at all about presents in the invite. IMO its rude to ask for any gifts but helpful to have one in case people ask.

And we really needed stuff as we didn't live together before we married.

loofet Wed 06-Feb-13 02:26:55

Ugh, yanbu.

My DM got an invitation like this once. I remember reading it finding it A) corny as fuck and B) exceptionally rude. It was a rhyme about having a kettle and toaster so they'd just like money or something.

For me you accept what you're given. If you don't need/want the gift stick it on ebay. So grabby to send out invites basically demanding money. I'd rebel and hope everyone would do the same- either not give them anything or buy them lame gifts grin

Its different if people ask what you want and you say money but to just demand it is another thing.

HecateWhoopass Wed 06-Feb-13 06:50:11

No, MrsK. Of course I wouldn't go to a wedding without a gift. That's not the done thing either grin

HecateWhoopass Wed 06-Feb-13 06:52:37

MrsK. Just saw your second post. Your family/friends were arses. Any event that ends with two people being legally joined is a wedding! even when it's not called a wedding, it's still the same thing! A contract legally obligating and binding both parties. mmmm. last of the great romantics, me grin

ithaka Wed 06-Feb-13 07:21:57

I have to agree the 'getting 7 toasters' is a cliche rather than a reality. Anyway, if your marriage lasts for life , you may well get through them all.

I think we got about 3 toasters when we married (20 years ago) and we used them all - toasters don't last forever! We felt quite sad a few years ago when we had to finally buy our own toaster as we didn't have a wedding spare in the loft.

In fact, we have pretty much worked our way through all the canteens of cutlery, pots and pans, tea towels etc we were given over the years. Maybe the couples that ask for money aren't really expecting the marriage to last much longer than the honeymoon....

soverylucky Wed 06-Feb-13 08:40:03

I know IABU to think this but I find it sort of weird/funny that couples spend about 10k on a wedding then send out an invite saying that they want to put in a new bathroom so money is the prefered option - just have a cheaper wedding I think.
I really don't like the contributions to honeymoon thing. For some reason that I can't put my finger on that makes me irrationally stabby and cross.

GooseyLoosey Wed 06-Feb-13 08:47:21

There was a similar thread a few years ago. Prior to that I had no idea that such things existed, however I wrote my own for the occasion:

I can't really be bothered with a list
And I am paying for you to get pissed
I know that you won't give us much
Its not as though we've kept in touch

And you really do have awful taste
So any present would be a waste
I have never liked the things you buy
And just this once don't want to try

So lets abandon all pretence
Come on, you know that it makes sense
Please don't give us lots of trash
What we want is hard earned cash

GooseyLoosey Wed 06-Feb-13 08:51:06

Elephant - just to reassure you, a list is fine. Every wedding I have been to in recent years has a list and I have never thought twice about it. It saves me agonising over a gift.

Moominlandmidwinter Wed 06-Feb-13 08:55:42

Mrskoala, how mean of your family sad.

Personally, I don't mind the mention of a gift list, or a simple note saying that cash would be preferred, it's the poems that annoy me.

The worst gift list I heard of was linked to the couples honeymoon, things such as, 'a helicopter flight' and 'a two-day safari'. The prices were per person, so the gift-buyer would feel compelled to purchase two of whatever. My friend (the wedding guest), looked for the cheapest thing, and it was £85. She bought them a lovely photo album instead, with a note attached saying that they could use it for their honeymoon photos.

Although we didn't mention gifts in our invitations, if people asked what we'd like, we did say that vouchers would be great, but also said that if they saw something they liked themselves, then that would be brilliant. We ended up with £1200 in vouchers and cash (including currency for our honeymoon), and few bottles of champagne and wine (very gratefully received grin, a clock, a couple of vases, a dinner service, some photo albums and frames, and a huge scented candle. Not a toaster in sight smile.

We will of course give a cash gift to the couple in question, but how much to give? Don't wish to appear tight, but we can't afford much at the moment either!

On the subject of greed, have been thinking a lot about the first ever baby shower I attended at the weekend....a whole new thread, I think.....

Moominlandmidwinter Wed 06-Feb-13 08:56:25

Oh, and love the rhymes! wink

Moominlandmidwinter Wed 06-Feb-13 08:57:52

(that was meant for meddie and Goosey- wasn't trying to contradict myself!)

Toomuchtea Wed 06-Feb-13 08:59:11

Elephant yes, a list is fine.

When we got married we didn't ask for anything or put a list in as we had everything we wanted: in fact we put this on the invites. DH's family made such a fuss about there being no list that we had to do a lunchtime dash around John Lewis trying frantically to think of things that might be useful. And then some of the family complained that they didn't want to buy the things on the list.

Another thing I don't like is the "we have block booked x rooms in this hotel for family: the price is a very reasonable £150 a night" emotional blackmail stuff.

PavlovtheCat Wed 06-Feb-13 09:01:41

It annoys me that people bitch and moan about how others choose to have their wedding - 'i didn't do that at my wedding' which is obviously better than what they are doing so why don't they just copy me?

Who cares how they chose to ask? I am astounded by how much negativity people choosing to get married produces. How unkind and ungracious. You have been invited to share a special and intimate day 3 times this year, so clearly 3 couples think you are special enough to invite you and you don't like the way the invitation is worded. Get over it and just be like 'oooh a wedding, how lovely!'

YABU.

expatinscotland Wed 06-Feb-13 09:01:56

Yuck. Instant decline from us.

expatinscotland Wed 06-Feb-13 09:04:07

'You have been invited to share a special and intimate day 3 times this year, so clearly 3 couples think you are special enough to invite you and you don't like the way the invitation is worded. Get over it and just be like 'oooh a wedding, how lovely!'

Barf! 'Special' 'Intimate' 'It's their day'. People who use these poems and make it clear they want cash as a gift in an invite don't find guests special.

expatinscotland Wed 06-Feb-13 09:08:55

'Hate requests for money with a passion, poem or no poem. Its akin to charging an entry fee. If you cant afford your honeymoon or need to recoup the costs of the wedding then cut back or save for longer rather than expect guests to pay.'

Too right! The roundabout way of touting for money - buy us a honeymoon.

If you have everything you need then you don't need gifts.

PavlovtheCat Wed 06-Feb-13 09:10:26

I disagree expat I was not much of a bridezilla, and spent more time making making sure DH and I celebrated with our friends and catered for their needs so they could be part of our day (to the point of being in wellies hanging fairy lights outside where we were having our reception at 11am on the day of our wedding, and not giving myself enough time to get dressed!) Of course it was 'our day' but, we didn't just invite any old people. Only those who we thought would really want to see us get married, it was very special and yes "barf' but, that's the point isn't it? Romantic, beautiful, happy, with people who give a shit around you. So, not everyone makes it about them.

As it happens, we had no poem, and asked for no presents, or money, just that people came and had a bloody good time. but that was how we wanted it. a friend recently asked for no presents, but a donation to a named charity at an amount of our choosing, and put a pot by where cards were put, so people could put what they felt comfortable with, without outing themselves - lovely. but they wrote their request in a poem. It was still a lovely and very romantic wedding and they made sure the wedding was for everyone to enjoy, so it was not only about them either.

ENormaSnob Wed 06-Feb-13 09:11:09

When I get a cash request I never think oh a wedding, how lovely.

I think, shit, that's gonna be £££ that I don't really want to spend on someone else's big day.

Give me an invitation to a local, bring a dish type wedding anyday and I'll be all over it.

PavlovtheCat Wed 06-Feb-13 09:12:38

and that's exactly what I mean about negative attitudes towards weddings. Either a) you like that person and want to go and celebrate their day, so do it, and do as you wish re presents whatever they ask for or b) you are not really that bothered so don't go.

Either way, a wedding IS meant to be special, and it really shouldn't be so complicated. Either do what they ask or don't.

Toomuchtea Wed 06-Feb-13 09:15:15

Pavlovthecat, most people do think "ooh, a wedding, how lovely." It's the attendant money-grubbing they don't like.

expatinscotland Wed 06-Feb-13 09:20:08

What's negative is assuming the people you invite need to have it spelled out to them what to gift you, because they're all going to buy your kettles and toasters. Or assuming the price of your guests celebrating your 'special day' should be your honeymoon.

PavlovtheCat Wed 06-Feb-13 09:20:17

I thought it was the vomit inducing poem as much as the money.

I just do as I please anyway. If it is someone close, I buy them a present and tell them so, if it is someone I don't know so well, I give them cash as I would prefer not to get a present that will be stuck in a cupboard, forgot who gave it to them.

madoldbird Wed 06-Feb-13 09:20:54

"Thank you for the invite,
You two are great.
We'd really love to be there,
And hopefully won't be late.
Too poor to give a gift though,
Hope this doesn't appall.
But as you love rhymes so much,
Frame this and stick it on the wall."

searching4serenity Wed 06-Feb-13 09:23:02

I panic if there is no gift list... !

If no gift list number is readily available I sometimes struggle to buy something & frankly could do without the hassle of worrying what to get; as I would never go to a wedding empty-handed....

Can't stand cash requests. Barf. Poems are just embarrassing! Just don't do it!

PavlovtheCat Wed 06-Feb-13 09:23:54

I have never been to a wedding with a wish list either. But, then most of my friends either have not got married or have had 'alternative' weddings.

ENormaSnob Wed 06-Feb-13 09:31:32

We do tend to decline especially if it's going to cost £££ to attend.

Negative or not, I just don't want to spend our hard earned cash on transport/accommodation to some random place, drinks at an expensive bar all day and then feeling obligated to put a fortune in a card.

I don't see how a cash poem is like charging a fee. It is optional. I do still think it's rude.

I suppose if you know a couple who're lovely and delightful who managed to pull off a cash request with grace and charm (HOW??!), maybe you feel differently. But, it's unfortunately been true for me that the weddings where we got cash requests (including, yes, a poem) were also in general bridezilla/groomzilla/grooms-mother-zilla type things where no-one gave a fuck about the guests. One of these was the wedding where I was informed that my cash gift was cheap. I was a student and it was 50 quid (family, but not especially close family). So, it does colour my perception of it a bit, because I can't help associating the poems with grabby people.

GirlOutNumbered Wed 06-Feb-13 09:33:09

Yanbu. They suck.

We didn't mention money or gifts on our invites and we're staggered by people's generosity... Champagne and/or money from everyone. Was such a wonderful surprise.

vladthedisorganised Wed 06-Feb-13 09:42:38

MrsKoala sad
I love the reply verses. When a couple gets married and invites close friends and family to celebrate with them, it's lovely however they choose to do it.
However, I know I've been invited to weddings of people I barely know and I'm fairly confident I'm padding out the numbers. When the same invitation includes a twee verse saying 'we're not being funny/ we just want your money/ because we know you have awful taste/ so any gift you give us would just go to waste'.

For these, should there be a sanctimonious reply:
"We got your card and were so delighted
That to your wedding we've been invited
We know for years you've built a home
With kettles and toasters made of chrome
And so your wedding gives us pause
To search for a really noble cause
And help those less fortunate than ourselves
To fill their stomachs and empty shelves.
We've donated your gift to charity
We hope you're as happy as can be!"

Snazzynewyear Wed 06-Feb-13 09:43:00

LRD You were told fifty quid was cheap? Now that's rude.

I would rather have guidance about what to get, whether from a gift list or money, but the poems are awful. If there's no indication of what to get, I would give a bottle of champagne.

ENormaSnob Wed 06-Feb-13 09:43:04

Yy lrd.

The last few we went to were massively varying experiences.

2 fabulous ones, lovely meal, plenty of wine, great evening buffet, local venues. A really nice experience as a guest. Plus no mention of gifts in the invitation. (we gave each couple cash anyway)

1 evening do that was miles away, not local to b or g either. Mega expensive bar and a note to not take own drinks or b and g would be charged corkage. Complete with grabby poem. We declined.

1 all day do, about 3 hours waiting around post ceremony, no drinks at all not even with meal, nice location but pretty rubbish food, really expensive pay bar all day, lots of nice decorations and table favours but no thought to guests comfort at all. Again complete with grabby poem. Wish we had declined, it cost us an absolute fortune to attend.

Flobbadobs Wed 06-Feb-13 09:49:50

YANBU but I've never been to a wedding with a poem in the invite!
When we got married we were already living together and had DS so we had most things for the house. No gift list or money requests but when people asked us we said Argos vouchers.
I should explain this one, everything we had was second hand kindly gived to us when we moved in. Without trying to sound like the Monty Python sketch we were genuinely very poor and at times relied on food parcels from relatives to keep us going. We only had a small wedding and the people who came had no problem giving vouchers. In fact they seemed to think it was a great idea, my brand new work colleagues (I had only started work 2 weeks before the wedding) put in enough for us to replace a fairly large item that fell apart 2 days before we got married! Oh and the kettle blew up on the big day so they came in very useful grin
It probably seems grabby but at the time it fulfilled a need and 13 years on we still have a lot of the stuff the vouchers bought.

Moominlandmidwinter Wed 06-Feb-13 09:51:47

Pavlov- I am delighted about being invited to this particular wedding, it's the just the poem I dislike. As I have said though, I will give a cash gift.

The other two weddings were last year. One invitation was from my work colleague, and the other was from a colleague of DH's. On both occasions we were on the 'B' list (evening only). On both occasions, on arrival, we had to search out the bride and groom, then were promptly steered in the direction of the wedding card box. In fact, at one of the weddings, the bride was too busy to even greet us, or say goodbye. I know people get swept up in enjoying themselves, but at my own wedding, we stood near the entrance to the room, and made sure that we properly greeted and said goodbye to every guest.

LRD- that's terrible. I would consider £50 quite a substantial amount to give!

Moominlandmidwinter Wed 06-Feb-13 09:58:11

Flobbadobs- that doesn't seem grabby at all.

Well, this is what I'm saying, snazzy, it's quite possible I'm biased because of it.

But then it's clear you get horrible experiences whatever you do - look at mrsK! That is much worse. And I wonder what on earth she could have done to wring some semblance of decent behaviour from her family, there.

I don't think that's grabby either flobba - they asked, you said what you wanted.

SpicyPear Wed 06-Feb-13 09:59:33

The worst thing about the honeymoon fund requests is when the major holiday company it is with start spamming all the guests that have contributed and ignore repeated requests to be removed from the mailing list <bitter>

expatinscotland Wed 06-Feb-13 10:02:11

Cash requests for the evening do?

C'mon, why bother going? Treat yourself and your husband to a nice meal out instead, with wine of your own chosing.

Megglevache Wed 06-Feb-13 10:03:11

I think if I'd married in the UK I may have said if you feel inclined to give us a gift then vouchers would be fab but feel dont obliged.

We married abroad and to be honest with you I was so grateful anyone came let alone 40 people. I think it helped that nobody had visited the city before but everything we laid on including trasfers by mini bus to the venues/paying for taxis home, free snacks food and then we'd arranged and paid to have a free bar until 10pm. blush This is a country where the booze was very cheap and the bill after the freeby came to £1000 shock We like a knees up in our family...haha I was 8 weeks pregnant and on tomato juice whilst some of my elderly aunts were doing Tequilla slammers off the very buff Salsa teacher's torso...

Gosh I'm over sharing again.

Flobbadobs Wed 06-Feb-13 10:03:45

Glad you said that! Sometimes you see threads on here though and wonder...
Just thinking about the day now, DH wrestling Ds into a suit while half dressed himself and me in my wedding dress trying to fix the kettle and not smudge my nails!
I want to go to a wedding with a poem, just for giggles!

Viviennemary Wed 06-Feb-13 10:05:21

This again! I've never had one of these poems. And would put in straight in the bin if I did get one. What is it that these rude entitled people don't understand about wait to be asked what you would like for a present and if money is given as an option then fine.

Go and take your begging bowl elsewhere because I've no intention of filling it.

Flobbadobs Wed 06-Feb-13 10:05:41

Actually sod the poem, I want to go to a wedding like Megglevache's

Ashoething Wed 06-Feb-13 10:05:55

Give us your cash poems are rude.Fact.Just charge an entry fee or sell tickets for your wedding.

axure Wed 06-Feb-13 10:20:19

Ithaka how lovely that you eventually used all your wedding toasters.
I really dislike requests for money, when I got married many years ago we were grateful for anything and some of the gifts are still in daily use, pans, vases, wine glasses. Nowadays couples are not shy about stipulating exactly what they want and think that spending £25 on a crappy meal merits £100 in return, plus travel/accommodation/pay bar costs incurred makes it more expensive than a week in Spain. I only attend ones where I genuinely want to share the day and don't begrudge the expense.

andsoitbegins Wed 06-Feb-13 10:28:08

Never heard of gift list poems before reading this thread and the ones described do deserve to be thoroughly mocked.

But to each their own. I don't see the problem with gift lists so long as they are inclusive, i.e. have prices starting at under a tenner. Also, unless your guests are passing acquaintances they will surely want to get you something the same way that that you give them gifts to mark special occasions in their lives.

DH and I included a list of 'items' towards our honeymoon. These ranged from a fiver for romantic bath gunge to £100 for a night's accommodation with varying prices in between for stuff like a picnic lunch, a day's car hire, evening meal, attraction tickets etc. We then included a picture of us enjoying said 'item' on honeymoon in our thank you cards (including one of us standing by the hire car while it got repaired smile).

It was clearly stated as optional, guests mixed and match to suit how much they wanted to give and we got loads of positive comments on the idea. Many people also went off list and we got some lovely gifts of champagne, photo albums, a personalised clock, champagne flutes and a Zorb ball experience, all of which were also very appreciated.

I think that if you don't want physical things or you like stuff from a variety of shops, asking for money makes life simpler for those who aren't sure what to get you. If you know the person's taste get them something else you are sure you'll like. If you don't want to/can't give them money or anything else then just give them a card. I'm sure they won't mind since the important part is that you share their celebration. And if you don't think they'll see it that way then why attend the wedding of such greedy ungrateful shitbags in the first place?

atthewelles Wed 06-Feb-13 10:46:10

I have never received a wedding invitation with a blatant request for a cash gift. But I have heard of some incredibly rude ones eg bank account number included with invite; specific amounts laid down as to how much a couple and how much a single person should contribute.

But then, weddings seem to bring out the worst in some people. Like the current fashion for holding the ceremony and reception in some remote, difficult for everyone to get to, place and expecting guests to take two days off work and fork out for expensive overnight stays plus petrol or train tickets. You nearly need to take out a bank loan nowadays to attend a wedding.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Wed 06-Feb-13 10:50:38

I can't remember a wedding I've gone to in the last few years where though couple didn't ask for money rather than stuff. And everything is so expensive and difficult now for young couples, I don't mind giving it. Tbh it saves a lot of hassle and I'd have missed all those fun weddings of friends and relations if I'd got the hump each time. I don't really know that many well off people though so have never been given the opportunity to be offended by them asking for honeymoon donations etc ;)

Granted a poem is appalling.

But some people seem to regard weddings as a massive opportunity to get offended. Invitation arrives in post: NOT A FUCKING WEDDING INVITATION! WHAT UTTER BASTARDS!

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Wed 06-Feb-13 10:51:28

Don't know why I said through couple rather than the couple.

Megglevache Wed 06-Feb-13 10:51:51

Aw thanks Flobbadobs...even 10 years on the guests say they loved it- I am amazed anyone remembered a thing.. I wish I'd been able to join in but I was looking after everyone including setting up little beds for a few children on the dance floor whilst the steamin' drunk adults had Salsa lessons from the hotties we'd hired. grin

andsoitbegins Wed 06-Feb-13 10:59:50

"But some people seem to regard weddings as a massive opportunity to get offended. Invitation arrives in post: NOT A FUCKING WEDDING INVITATION! WHAT UTTER BASTARDS!"

Nicely put, Ariel smile

atthewelles Wed 06-Feb-13 11:05:36

But some people seem to regard weddings as a massive opportunity to get offended. Invitation arrives in post: NOT A FUCKING WEDDING INVITATION! WHAT UTTER BASTARDS! Quote

But that's because some weddings have got so OTT in recent years. As I said up thread, you're often expected to travel to some out of the way location simply because the photographs will be prettier; regardless of the fact that it means taking extra time off work, spending a fortune on petrol and possibly having to find overnight baby sitters. That, on top of a cash gift and a new outfit can send the cost spiralling. A lot of people just can't afford that kind of money.

Also, here in Ireland at least, weddings go on for hours and hours, with guests being expected to hang around for ages while photographs are being taken and to have their ears blown off them for half the night by some crappy band who won't lower the volume so that non dancing guests can chat and enjoy themselves. Yes, I do sometimes find weddings a bit of an endurance test and much prefer the simpler, non formulaic ones that cater for the needs of all guests, including the elderly ones.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Wed 06-Feb-13 11:19:29

I asked if they would lower the volume once so I could chat to cousins I'd not seen for years. God, even the BAND saw it as a chance to be offended! I refrained from adding "And you're not actually very good...." grin

PavlovtheCat Wed 06-Feb-13 11:31:49

We had a remote in the middle of nowhere wedding. In Deepest Darkest Cornwall no less. Imagine trying to get out of Cornwall in the middle of the night grin.

We did however, have a minibus to take people back to their home town (where pretty much everyone had come from) and to take family members (from abroad) back to hotels etc) as and when they wanted between x and y time.

Some people chose to camp in a local campsite, some chose to stay locally and we got them a deal on a local B&B, one ended up sleeping in the front room of our honeymoon farmhouse where we had the reception party.

And then those who had cars to collect, car-shared, returned the following day for lunch and lounging on strawbales reminiscing about the day before with us. It doesn't always have to be 'two days off work and expensive hotels' if in the middle of nowhere.

I hate it I had one of these recently and thought it was bad until I received the thank you card which had the amount we had given written in it!.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Wed 06-Feb-13 11:36:02

I do love the poems people have suggested in response!

fiftyodd Wed 06-Feb-13 11:38:30

I think this trend of asking for money is sad, but commonplace.

We married nearly 25 years ago and still treasure many of the unexpected gifts we had - eg Le Creuset pans from my late grandmother which we use every day, a rose bowl from my late grand- dad, things from work colleagues.

The gifts remind me of the recipient.

fiftyodd Wed 06-Feb-13 11:39:06

Remind me of the giver I mean!

atthewelles Wed 06-Feb-13 11:41:30

No, Pavlov, but sometimes it is. That is the point I was trying to make. Obviously you love weddings and organised your's in a way that you felt your guests would enjoy.
But a lot of brides and grooms have big elaborate weddings that are so stage managed and formulaic that the guests are often a secondary consideration. This has now elevated to the point where some brides and grooms see nothing wrong with blatantly saying 'we don't want your gifts. Just give us money'. That is incredibly rude and very unfair on people who don't have a lot of money as it rules out giving something cheap but thoughtful or buying something in a sale.

fiftyodd Wed 06-Feb-13 11:48:44

So, how many of you give money through gritted teeth (poem or just request)? Or do you give eg champagne instead?

I ask because we've just had an invitation demanding money. No poem though, thank heavens.

PavlovtheCat Wed 06-Feb-13 12:00:28

at yes, i love weddings, and I guess I am lucky that I have not been to any really ostentatious over the top weddings with big demands on travel, overnight stays and expense. As for mine, I got married in a cave and partied on a farm afterwards. Told people to bring appropriate footwear - pretty frocks and wellie boots were the order of the day grin

PostBellumBugsy Wed 06-Feb-13 12:01:54

Another one that thinks an invite to a wedding should not be accompanied by a demand for gifts or money. So bloody rude, come to our wedding & bring a gift/money.

Such a shame that a bit of communication can't go on:
you phone or email & say 'yes we'd love to come to your wedding',
then the bride or groom says 'fantastic, we hoped you could make it'
& then guest says, 'yes can't wait to see you tie the knot. We'd love to get you something to celebrate do you have a guest list or would you rather money to go towards honeymoon/ new house etc?'

Instead of the impersonal mailshot with grabby poem or gift list.

Fiftyodd, if there hadn't been a demand for money - what would you have done? Would you have given them a gift or would you have phoned up & asked if there is something they wanted? You could still phone and say, we want to give something more meaningful than cash - what can we get you?

Viviennemary Wed 06-Feb-13 12:04:31

I wouldn't give money on principle if I was asked for it in a wedding invitation. I would either not go or give a present. And that is what people should do to stop this dreadful rude grabby entitled behaviour which is now trying to masquerade as the norm.

fiftyodd Wed 06-Feb-13 12:08:10

I'd have phoned the bride's mother (my friend) and asked what gift I might get them. I really, really dislike the thought of giving money. Difficult though - if we give a gift now, how would that be received?

atthewelles Wed 06-Feb-13 12:09:08

Pavlov that sounds nice and very different.
Some one in work was talking about their daughter's wedding the other day. It is going to cost 40,000 euro for a hotel wedding with sit down meal. It's that kind of thing that puts me off so many weddings. They are just over the top, over priced, over elaborate occasions with guests being expected to make monetary contributions in many cases to fund these ridiculously expensive events.

andsoitbegins Wed 06-Feb-13 12:14:40

Lots of people will want to give the couple a gift and it makes sense to suggest things you'd like. But as the recipient of an invitation that's all a gift list is to me - suggestions - no matter how it is intended by the couple. You invite people to your wedding because you want them to celebrate with you. Getting any gift on top of that is a lovely extra and if the bride and groom forget that then shame on them.

If a guest can't think of anything (or has good intentions but dreadful taste wink) then I'd rather suggest things than end up with someone I like enough to invite to my wedding spending money on something that won't be used simply for lack of any other ideas. And if that does still happen then it is what it is, people should still appreciate the thoughtfulness.

Miggsie Wed 06-Feb-13 12:16:40

Some weddings are all about "enter our inner strange world" though.
We had friends who decided to get married down a MINE in the middle of Wales.

No kids - gave us the perfect excuse not to go - I mean sit in a mine? Really?

Also, I hate lifts - so I couldn't have got down there anyway.

We did send a card.

atthewelles Wed 06-Feb-13 12:23:56

To be honest, I can see the point of lists years ago when most people getting married were very young and needed cups and saucers and glasses and casserole dishes and lamp shades and all that kind of stuff. The lists were usually quite practical and you knew you were getting them something they really needed.
But nowadays lists are full of requests for Nespresso machines and designer brand juicers and cut glass wine goblets and they do sometimes come across as a bit grabby. Just my opinion, but I know a lot of people find them very useful as it can be hard to think of a present for a couple who have owned their own house for ten years.

beaker25 Wed 06-Feb-13 12:26:17

I don't mind people sending out gift lists, don't think there's anything wrong with them but I do ignore them. Usually just choose a present myself (or vouchers) and turn up with that. I've never had a request for money in an invite, it I'd still ignore it and choose a gift. That possibly makes me rude!

I'm getting married in June and we haven't mentioned presents in the invites. Most guests know us well enough to just pick something if they'd like too. Plus, I think I'd much rather something that someone has chosen for us. Also, alot of our friends our helping us to organise bits of the wedding so that's a present in itself.

I think a lot also depends on the circs of the couple, we are lucky enough to have what we need, so if someone buys us a mad gift we can just laugh it off. If your situation is different, I can imagine why you might feel more inclined to encourage people to get you useful, practical gifts ( or give you lots of dosh!)

Megglevache Wed 06-Feb-13 12:53:38

OOOOh I want to have been Pav's friend and gone to hers grin

chocoluvva Wed 06-Feb-13 13:12:45

I'd never even heard of cash-present poems till I joined MN.

I despair, that anyone would think it's acceptable, let alone be common practice.

I feel very old and grumpy now - shakes head and mutters to self.

7 toasters -aaagh. ( You can buy a toaster for a fiver from most supermarkets anyway).

expatinscotland Wed 06-Feb-13 14:35:06

I've given cash to every couple whose wedding I've attended . . . except those who put a request for money in an invite grin.

Evening do invites with cash requests: those are just a sign from the universe to have a date night out with my husband in the restaurant of our chosing. 'Oh, yeah, we haven't been out in a while! Thanks for the reminder. Here's your no, thanks, reply, we'd rather spend money on ourselves instead of giving you money for thinking we're mug enough to be fleeced for a sausage roll and a crap DJ.'

chocoluvva Wed 06-Feb-13 14:53:40

grin at expat.

PavlovtheCat Wed 06-Feb-13 18:52:58

at and meg I say a cave, but it was actually the rum store cavern, which was a cave, but not deep and dark down. There was actually a very small beautiful underground lake at the caverns, but it was down very steep uneven steps, required hardhats, only 30 people including bride/groom and the registrars, and no children. I actually wish there were more children there! that is the kind of thing people do just for the beautiful photos, as they would have been amazing. (although the gardens have fairies dotted around so was pretty lovely anyway) meg - we did a free 'bar' like you, but made up of cash and carry wine, special offer champagne from sainsbos and a barrels of beer!

If I do it again, you can come wink

MrsLouisTheroux Wed 06-Feb-13 19:09:28

Wedding lists, requests for money/ vouchers all crass.
If people want to buy you a present, it should be their choice what it is.

Redbird12 Wed 06-Feb-13 19:37:45

Absolute worst is cash poems accompanied by a sort code and account number.

Also hate gift lists when the bride announces on a night out a few weeks before the wedding who has bought what so far, which makes it clear how much people have spent and who hasn't bought anything yet. I want my gift to be a surprise for the wedding, not commented on in advance.

I always ignore lists and poems now and either buy something more personal or donate to charity (mainly when the rhyme seems especially grabby and emphasises how much they already have....had one that actually complained about having 2 houses worth of stuff now they had moved in together)

DH and I have also decided not to go when we're on the B list (evening do only) unless it is local. Last time, we had to fork out for petrol, the hotel, taxis to the venue all to sit in a cramped overpriced bar and barely saw or spoke to the bride and groom.

We took all this into account for our own wedding, got married early evening, followed by dinner so just one set of guests. Didn't ask for cash or any presents but did get asked so in the end, we picked a charity each that was close to our hearts and suggested people made a donation if they wanted to give something. We ended up with a mix of charity donations, vouchers, cash, a couple of personal presents and a few people who didn't get anything. And that was all fine, we genuinely did appreciate people giving up their time to celebrate with us and didn't mind if we received anything or not.

stradbally Wed 06-Feb-13 19:39:18

Oh I hate the whole gift list/ money thing completely, IMO it's utterly grasping in this day & age. Surely back in the day wedding gifts were meant to stock up the newlyweds' new home with everything they'd need to start their life together etc, but nowadays many people have lived together for years or are on their 2nd or 3rd wedding! Hence no need for a dinner service, so requests for money are sent out instead. Last year I had to give so much money for one wedding present, towards their honeymoon apparently, that I couldn't afford to go on hols myself! I agree with atthwelles, there's pressure on people to give too much, usually hundreds. It's just so ungracious and crass to ask for money, whether in verse or not!

Megglevache Wed 06-Feb-13 19:56:44

Cool Pav, I'll bring the salsa teachers over first class grin

PavlovtheCat Wed 06-Feb-13 20:54:49

grin

fiftyodd Thu 07-Feb-13 07:32:01

So, what gift would be suitable for 'the couple who have everything including account number and sort code on the evening invite'?

I'm getting more indignant reading this thread in regard to the invitation we've had - in fact the couple in question and their parents are delightful and I think the money request is probably a trend they've been sucked into without realising how disliked it is by us grumpy old women wink

Maryz Thu 07-Feb-13 07:34:26

Your presence, not your presents, of course fifty smile

fiftyodd Thu 07-Feb-13 07:44:24

Here's the thing though - I'd like to get them a small present. It'll probably be a bottle of champers - you can't have too many of those imo.

wherearemysocka Thu 07-Feb-13 08:05:44

You can if you've just provided the wine for your wedding and have loads left over. I'd think a bottle of champagne is the last thing they'd want.

Snazzynewyear Thu 07-Feb-13 12:18:10

Fifty I would always get champagne.

fiftyodd Thu 07-Feb-13 12:38:16

Champagne doesn't eat or drink - they can keep it for as long as they like! That's what it's going to be anyway, and my policy for future cash demands.

lollilou Thu 07-Feb-13 12:59:24

Ok so I have been mulling this over and whether I should post but as I have read all of this thread and some of the nastier comments I think I should stand up and be counted.
I am a bride who had a cash poem in my invitations shock
Now I had never been married before and the last 2 weddings I went to I was asked(no poem) for cash. To me that was perfectly acceptable I would have brought a present so cash to the equivilant was fine. One bride brought a new tv the other paid off debts I was happy to contribute to both.
When it came to my wedding we didn't want to tell guests that we would prefer money so I honestly thought the poem was a nicer way of doing it. I didn't see it as people paying to come to my wedding just an easier way for people to give a gift. In my defence I was on a wedding forum where ALL the brides were doing this.
Having read this same thread about how awful and grabby it is over and over I wanted to put my side of it. We did have people tell us that they liked it as it saved them having to think of a present (but I guess they didn't mean it according to some posts)
With the money we received we were able to go on our very first(and probably last due to cost during holidays) holiday abroad. It was magical for us as a family unit to do this together and we have our wedding guests to thank for our amazing experience.
Now I know how frightful it is to be that cash poem bride would I do it again? No. Do I regret it? Nope, although it upsets me to think our guests thought as you do.

atthewelles Thu 07-Feb-13 13:22:25

The thing is, though, lollilou, not everyone can afford to spend much on a wedding present and by asking for cash you're preventing those people from buying an inexpensive gift that they've put a lot of thought into and forcing them to write a cheque. I mean, no one would feel comfortable giving a gift cheque for £20 as they would feel it would look a bit mean (even if the B&G wouldn't think that at all) but £20 and a bit of imagination and effort could add up to a lovely thoughtful and very individual present.
I don't think there have been any nasty comments on here, in fairness.

PostBellumBugsy Thu 07-Feb-13 14:15:07

lollilou, if when I'd phoned up to say thanks for the invite, I can't wait to come & asked what you wanted & you'd said to me: "Do you know what PBB, we'd love to go on a holiday, all of us together - if you feel like it, you could but some Thomas Cook vouchers?" - I'd have been thrilled to do it. I'd have been so very happy to help you do something memorable & special, that I could be part of.

But the cold ask for cash (be it as a poem or straight request) in the invite just seems a bit mercenary to me - specially for a second wedding, when everyone knows you've already had a shed load of gifts the first time around! grin

chocoluvva Thu 07-Feb-13 14:45:21

It's the expectation that your guests are going to give you something and the childish way of writing a silly poem.

DH and I didn't live together before we got married. We 'needed' nearly everything for our home. No way I'd ask for anything though. An elderly aunt gave us a set of mugs that I would never ever choose. Twenty years later I still think about her when I use them and love our 'Aunt x' mugs.

A donation for a holiday doesn't allow the giver to have any personal output.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 07-Feb-13 16:08:56

My sister and her husband did this for their wedding last year, they've been living together for years, so asked for a donation for the their honeymoon, they got given in total, over £1000.

Skyebluesapphire Thu 07-Feb-13 16:14:47

When I got married I already had my house and everything we needed, but of course it is very difficult to say that. People kept asking what we wanted for presents, so when we sent out the invites, I put in a little note saying,

Obviously, you will appreciate, that as we already live together, we have most things that we need, and on our wedding day we just require your presence not presents, however if you would like to give a present, we have a small gift list at Argos to replace some items or else gift vouchers would be lovely towards some new furniture.

Most people were really happy to give cash or vouchers as it saved them having to buy a present. Most people knew that all my furniture and items had been second hand when I bought my house, so were happy to help me "upgrade" or give money towards a new wardrobe.

expatinscotland Thu 07-Feb-13 16:18:25

If you have everything you need then you don't need presents. 'Oh, no presents, but cash is fine.' Just 'No gifts, please.' You either want them or you don't.

Fifty - an invitation for an evening do with a cash poem in it? Don't go. Treat yourself and your husband to a nice night out somewhere of your chosing.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Thu 07-Feb-13 16:29:57

We didn't ask for anything. No list, no cash poem. Nothing. Why should we ask for anything? hmm

Some people bought us presents, some didn't, we didn't mind either way.

MariusEarlobe Thu 07-Feb-13 16:36:22

We went to a wedding recently with one of these. I can't remember the exact wording but was along the lines of

We have shared our home already for many snuggly years.
We don't need extra toasters or ornaments or shears
We need a brand new bathroom
To soak the the blues away after a hard day.

Last line was definately
Please could you spare a penny
So we can spend a penny..

WhatKindofFool Thu 07-Feb-13 16:36:49

The worst wedding list I saw was my cousin's. She married a rather well off gentleman who's family could provide everything they needed. Although she lived in North Wales she had her list at Selfridges in London (no branches in those days). Everything on it was wildly expensive including a Minton china dinner service. I think I bought her a saucer grin
She now sends out round Robbin letters at Christmas boasting about her children's horse riding medals and the lake she had built at her holiday home in France.
-She has never had a job.-

MonaLotte Thu 07-Feb-13 16:41:58

I hate it when they ask to contribute to honeymoon. Why would I pay for your holiday?
It's rude to specify a gift unless someone asks what you would like. You are lucky to get a gift. It's just so ungrateful to specify what you'd like.
You don't get married to get gifts as far as I'm aware.
I also dislike the poems.

MortifiedAdams Thu 07-Feb-13 16:42:53

I saw on here someone paid for a very very grabby Bride's wedding to be Carbon Offsetted. I would have paid to see their face when they opened the gift.

Pandemoniaa Thu 07-Feb-13 16:43:56

Unless you are the Poet Laureate, leave the verse to others.

Shit poetry makes the whole "give us yer money" demand many times worse.

In fact, I'd much rather someone wrote "Give Us Yer Money". At least you could RSVP with a polite "Fuck Off".

simplesusan Thu 07-Feb-13 16:58:07

Poems asking for cash are awful.

Just send out the invite.

Wait until, or even if, you are asked and then say what you would like.

Honestly though I had one of these last year.

The couple wanted cash for a far flung holiday. I didn't give a gift (evening only invite)because they said they have everything they wanted, lucky them! and as I didn't get a holiday myself , I sure as hell aren't paying for anyone else to have one.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Thu 07-Feb-13 16:58:14

Slightly OT, I am reminded of the most bridezillaish behaviour I've ever experienced. A mate of mine "A" got married some time ago and instead of gifts asked for donations to a charity that meant a lot to her. Her "friend" ("B") who'd got married a few months earlier, and had a standard wedding list, then threw a massive strop, because A was being hugely selfish in asking for charity donations because she was doing it deliberately purely to make B look bad and grabby.

fiftyodd Thu 07-Feb-13 17:23:50

So, wedding forums are encouraging couples in this tacky trend - the wedding 'industry' has got completely out of hand!

I'll be pointing my dds to MN for advice if they decide to marry grin

Pigsmummy Thu 07-Feb-13 17:27:31

It's difficult though, if you have a home and don't need anything else, what do you say if you haven't got a gift list?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Thu 07-Feb-13 18:07:44

we both had our own places before we got married so had plenty of house stuff. we invited all our friends and family and said no presents needed but if you insist then a bottle of wine would be nice . we got wine and some presents too from some people but some didn't bother we did not care at all we were pleased with what we got. I never know what to get folk but actually have not been to that many weddings. last one we bought a bottle of champagne, a pair of black silk boxers and a pair of black silk knickers, a scented candle and two beautiful champagne flutes, all wrapped in a box marked 'honeymoon kit'... they loved it.

expatinscotland Thu 07-Feb-13 18:14:49

'It's difficult though, if you have a home and don't need anything else, what do you say if you haven't got a gift list?'

You say, 'No gifts. Thank you.'

Kveta Thu 07-Feb-13 18:37:15

We got an invite recently in which they say 'we would like antiques as gifts, or money towards antiques'

And the wedding finishes 'promptly at 6pm'

Can't wait...

I have had two invites where money was asked for though, both were more 'we really don't want or need anything, but really do want to see you at our wedding. If you do want to give us a gift, then money towards (x, y, z) would be lovely' - and because they were invites from people we liked, we gave them money smile

WhatKindofFool Thu 07-Feb-13 18:42:58

Kveta - the couple sound awful already. Have a good day!

HappyMummyOfOne Thu 07-Feb-13 18:46:58

Agree with Expat, just say no gifts if you are already set up in a home. Less expense for your guests and no unwanted waste.

Its fine to want a honeymoon but not fine to ask for cash to fund it as you cant or dont want too. Its just grasping. Memories can be made anywhere, you dont need an expensive holiday paid for by your guests to do that. If a honeymoon means so much pop to the registry office, make your own buffet and spend your wedding savings on your own honeymoon.

Ariel21 Thu 07-Feb-13 18:48:52

Yes, hate them. VOMIT. Especially when they've lifted it straight off the Internet. That 'living in sin' one is one I've seen before. We asked for money towards our honeymoon adventure (spent ages trying to get the wording right, so it didn't sound like we were asking). Some people still bought us well-thought-out gifts, that's their prerogative.

Moominlandmidwinter Thu 07-Feb-13 19:13:35

Oh Kveta! Make sure that you've got your coat on at 5.55pm...

MortifiedAdams Thu 07-Feb-13 20:41:31

Kveta do you want to take my Nan along with you? She'd have a right good day out, will need to leave at 6 anyways as she goes to bed at seven and definetly qualifies as an antique.

ithaka Fri 08-Feb-13 07:35:43

'Wedding Forums'??? Therein lies the problem. When I got married, no such forums existed - actually, I suspect no forums existed.

I can see with such forums you could get sucked into an alternative reality where a vomitous poem seems entirely normal. Perhaps the message to take away from this thread is that brides to be should avoid wedding forums at all costs.

Imaginethat Fri 08-Feb-13 07:42:18

I got irritated with friends who threw an engagement party with gift list, a wedding with gift list, a housewarming with gift list, then baby shower etc. had to part company as could no longer afford friendship.

PostBellumBugsy Fri 08-Feb-13 09:01:01

arf at Mortified Nan's going along with Kveta!!!!! grin

thegreylady Fri 08-Feb-13 09:04:59

My cousin was saving for a set of dining chairs as a wedding present and asked for contributions. I bought a set of the nicest dolls house chairs I could find and taped a cheque to the box. They have the chairs on display and used the cheque towards real ones.They now have a dd and I hope she will have a dolls house one day and the chairs will be used.

People who send you poems asking for money are just crying out to have goats donated in their honour.

WhatKindofFool Fri 08-Feb-13 11:15:54

People who send you poems asking for money are just crying out to have goats donated in their honour.

LOL!

Kveta Fri 08-Feb-13 11:39:24

grin mortified - think my own nan fulfils those criteria too, although she may not be coming (it is a close family member who is to be wed - sadly too close for us to be able to avoid attending).

Angelico Fri 08-Feb-13 11:43:16

YABVVVVVVVU. I wish to God we had put in a poem begging for money as well as our gift list. It would have avoided us getting 4 non-matching cutlery sets we didn't need / want / like, some of them clearly expensive and none of them with gift receipt.

I hate people wasting their money on things that are useless sad I would rather have had a fiver in a card that I could spend on something we needed.

Angelico Fri 08-Feb-13 11:44:15

And in all honesty I would rather have had the Oxfam goat than cutlery sets 3 and 4 confused Maybe I should sell them and use the proceeds to buy a goat grin

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 11:45:53

'People who send you poems asking for money are just crying out to have goats donated in their honour.'

Oh, YY! grin

I mean, they wanted you to give money, so you did.

chocoluvva Sat 09-Feb-13 10:43:24

Angelico, the gifts you describe as useless may be very useful in years to come. You don't know how you'll feel about it when you're a bit older. If you'd spent a fiver on something you need now, I bet you won't remember it in 10 years...

chocoluvva Sat 09-Feb-13 10:45:58

Sometimes people give gifts that they know you wouldn't buy for yourself so that you can have good quality, long-lasting things. Eg, nice crystal glasses, (provided you don't break them) cutlery, crockery etc. Your taste might change.

allthatglittersisnotgold Sat 09-Feb-13 11:28:42

I don't mind the poems or requests for cash or presents! (No I am not married or planning a weddding). I'm normally at a do of a friend. I like them and I want them to be happy. We had a cash based poem a few years ago. We just had a giggle about the poem and thought nothing of it. I think yab a little u. Do people not like te weddings they go to?

LouiseD29 Sat 09-Feb-13 11:37:17

Gosh, there are some cheerful people on this thread, aren't there?

DH and I were in our mid thirties when we got married and felt uncomfortable requesting gifts as we already had so much. But so many people made it clear that they wanted to get us something and would would prefer to have some direction that we did ask for contributions towards the honeymoon. We did it via a gift list so people could feel like they were buying us a specific experience and afterwards sent thank you notes with a photo of us doing that particular thing. Saving money on the honeymoon meant more free wine for everyone at the wedding.

OP - I'm with you on the rhymes - they're awful, but it's impossible to please everyone at a wedding so think a lot of people on here should lighten up a little bit!

Ashoething Sat 09-Feb-13 11:41:16

You could have saved money on your honeymoon by just not having one louise-rather than expecting your guests to subsidise it in return for what a few more glasses of cheap plonk? Of course you could have just charged your guests an entry fee and made the money that way....

LouiseD29 Sat 09-Feb-13 11:55:37

We didn't expect them to subsidise it, we were quite prepared to pay for it ourselves, but most our friends and family wanted to give us something - that's what usually happens at weddings. Plenty of people went off list or didn't get us anything at all and that's fine too. (They were still allowed the free wine - ha ha)

My point was more that it's unreasonable to expect people to do their weddings the way you think they should do them - it's their wedding! One thing to think rhymes are tacky but another to get in a huff because people have dared to make a suggestion about what they might like as a gift.

Viviennemary Sat 09-Feb-13 12:03:57

What is it that people don't understand about wait to be asked. It is no more acceptable to put a request for money in a wedding invitation than to put a request for money into an invitation to a children's party. It's extremely rude and grabby and that's being kind.

Ashoething Sat 09-Feb-13 12:07:40

You can do your wedding however you like louise-as long as you are paying for it and not your guestshmm

I had a small wedding because thats we wanted and thats what we could afford. We didnt have a honeymoon until later and even then it was only a weekend away because I wouldnt dream of being so entitled that I would expect my guests to pay for one....

Nothing wrong with a fiver in a card! We got several, and I bought bulbs with them - some of the iris reticulata are flowering now and I can see them from my window. They're a constant reminder and absolutely lovely.

IMO if people give you money you ought to do something with it you can tell them about - whether it's to say you put it all together and had a weekend away or whether you bought a bottle of wine for Friday night.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 09-Feb-13 14:06:20

The view must be awfully pretty up there Ashoething. You're, you know, really principled and moral and stuff.

If you have a wedding your guests will expect to give you something, and moreover you yourselves assume that people will expect to be giving you something. Anyone who says otherwise is not being truthful. All this "I don't expect my guests to give me presents..." is nonsense. I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding and not giving the couple something!

Now if that's money or a thing....I don't understand why anyone would care to be honest. If you're going to be offended by everything, just don't go.

Cortana Sat 09-Feb-13 14:12:15

" All this "I don't expect my guests to give me presents..." is nonsense."

Bollocks.

lollilou Sat 09-Feb-13 14:15:33

But the guests aren't paying for the honeymoon they are contributing towards something that the couple would like, just as if they had brought them crystal glasses or something.
You see this is what I don't get all the people hissing about the couple being grabby ect. If I have been invited to a wedding and I like them enough to go what does it matter whether I put a few quid in an envelope or buy a present. It's not as if we took a blind bit of notice whether Aunt mabel had given a tenner or nothing at all, we weren't rubbing our hands over a pile of money the next day.
i do understand that we all feel differently about many aspects of a wedding so I don't think I'll post again or open a thread with the words "wedding"" and "poem" in it because some of what has been said has upset me but as I have no plans to get married again I won't have to face this dilemmasmile

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 09-Feb-13 14:22:35

Ah well, you think it's bollocks and I don't. Have you ever turned up at a wedding without a gift?

You'd be embarrassed not to, wouldn't you?

allthatglittersisnotgold Sat 09-Feb-13 14:28:11

As a recent wedding guest. I am more than happy to give the couple a present. It's not about being grabby, it's a gesture to wish them well. If someone has a small gathering or dinner party, surely you brong round wine, chocs or flowers to your host. Now if someone has gone to the effort to host a wonderful carefully thought out event. Would you really have the shame to go empty handed or sneer at a request for some dosh so they can have a nice holiday?

I honestly hope if I get married none of you miseries are not at mine. It's really upsetting to think there are such mean spirited people out there, that you resent offering people starting their married lives a gift. The poem is just a way to keep it light and jokey. I personally think "a few nore bottle of cheap plonk" helps a wedding get under way and contribute to a fun atmosphere. If someone is willing to spend a tidy sum on their wedding, for what is basically their guests entertaiment. They can have my £50 for a hol/pres with best wishes. You couldn't have such a good night out on £50!!!! I can only assume most of you dislike the people that invite you!

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 09-Feb-13 14:31:54

That's what I think glitters. I honestly think that some people start the tutting and the being offended the second the invitation drops through the door confused

tinygreendragon Sat 09-Feb-13 14:34:03

*Have you ever turned up at a wedding without a gift?

You'd be embarrassed not to, wouldn't you? *

I have never turned up to a wedding with a gift and I've never been embarrassed not to either.

Pandemoniaa Sat 09-Feb-13 14:39:54

The poem is just a way to keep it light and jokey

See, I can't help thinking that if one of these crap poems is necessary to keep things "light and jokey" that deep down, the senders of them realise that actually, they feel rather guilty about asking for money in the first place.

Since they are universally unpopular, it still surprises me that anyone tries to justify them. I don't mind giving cash as a wedding present as it happens. I do object to people insulting my intelligence and generosity by sending a cringe-making ransom demand allegedly "poetic" request.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 09-Feb-13 14:45:05

I have never turned up to a wedding with a gift and I've never been embarrassed not to either.

OK. Each to their own. I would have thought that most people wouldn't dream of going to a wedding without a little something to wish the couple well. But maybe I'm wrong.

ubik Sat 09-Feb-13 14:57:14

Some good friends just asked for John Lewis vouchers, or a donation to Women's Aid. We gave them £100 in vouchers.

They are lovely, they have 3 children, they are very sociable/generous people. And we didn't resent it at all.

It was clearly stated on the invite, no stupid coy poem.I know other guests just brought a gift anyway.

However, Years ago when I was skint - just had DD3, Dp's income had halved in recession - I was invited to reception of friend's wedding 400 miles away. I went because I wanted to see them and after spending £££ on flights, dress etc also had to pony up a cash 'gift' And all I had left was £30, to last until end of month. So I gave them that. And it felt cheap as I could probably have found a really nice gift for the same money but instead I got to look cheap. I really shouldn't have gone at all.

sad

Cortana Sat 09-Feb-13 15:15:44

But I have Ariel, I couldn't afford one. I wasn't embarrassed. I love my friend very much and she loves me.

I'm getting married in July. No gifts, no money, no vouchers, wear what you like. We have a house and stuff in it, we are asking people to come watch us get married, no more.

Some people might feel the way you do, and that's their business, but it's not nonsense that some people might not feel the same.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 09-Feb-13 15:20:34

But surely one of the problems has become the commercialisation of weddings, as mentioned earlier. People think they a gift needs to be massive/expensive, whereas, as someone else said, the fivers in envelopes were lovely and they bought some bulbs with them, which was a nice reminder of the person. Just a gesture.

Cortana Sat 09-Feb-13 15:25:07

Agreed Ariel, if you can find my wedding thread in chat you will see how we were worried about doing a ceremony with no after do as we can't afford to put on a show.

We've decided to just do a hall after with a bar and some nibbles. But I felt mean asking people to come see us get married with no party for them after they'd have gone to the effort of arranging to come through.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 09-Feb-13 15:27:43

Have lovely time smile

People get so silly about weddings - if people get sniffy, well, you don't want them there anyway.

QuietTiger Sat 09-Feb-13 15:33:21

When DH and I got married, we put something on our wedding invitations along the lines of "We don't want or need gifts, because all we want is you at our wedding. If you really want to give us a gift and you're feeling particularly generous, you can buy us a cow. Heifers preferred". (DH is a farmer).

One of my closest friends did buy us a cow. She somehow sourced a 4ft long stuffed toy black and white Freisian cow complete with bulging udder. Caused quite a stir at the reception and now has pride of place in our guest room!

Binkybix Sat 09-Feb-13 15:34:49

Can't get too excited about this to be honest. I think all the weddings I've been to have had a list or just asked for cash and I didn't even think twice about it. Agree that someone people seemed to enjoy getting het up about weddings.

We just had a website with all info about the wedding, and that just had one thing on it saying that if people wanted to give something, contributions towards honeymoon would be great, but feel free to not do a gift, or to choose a gift if they'd rather. I'm not a fan of poems, but wouldn't be offended.

Some friends of mine have been invited to a wedding in France and there's a party the next day, where people have been asked to contribute 20 euro to attend Now THAT crosses a line for me!!!

nickelbabe Sat 09-Feb-13 15:52:15

we had a website.

in the invitation, we put a link to the website.

the website had loads of information including directions, where to stay, etc.
it also had info on pressies.
it basically said we don't want any, but if you really want to, can you please give a donation to our church (and to what to make cheques payable)- because we didn't want to appear grabby
most people did that, but some gave us a personal cheque and notes saying that it was for us or the church.

some people asked us if we would take a present, and then we were free to specify items.

nickelbabe Sat 09-Feb-13 15:53:01

Quiet - that's brilliant! grin

chocoluvva Sat 09-Feb-13 16:52:09

Nobody who has said they don't like poems asking for cash has said that they mind giving a present. They object to being asked for cash - sometimes because they're hard up.

And most brides probably do expect to be given presents because that's the usual way of things, but they aren't saying that they would think less of anyone who doesn't give them a gift or cash.

Viviennemary Sat 09-Feb-13 17:28:51

I don't mind giving cash or a present. But I object to being told in a wedding invitation. Nobody seems to understand that there is a difference between asking for money in a wedding invitation, and waiting to be asked what you would like gift or cash and then produce a list or ask for money if that's what you want. Of course people expect presents. But you don't ask. I seem to be on a different wavelength from everyone else. But saying that I haven't received a request for money in an invitation yet so I hope it doesn't become the norm.

We were invited to a wedding when we were utterly broke, and as most of us atending were poor students, the bride and groom had made it very clear gifts were not at all expected and they just really wanted us there. So We went, and only gave a card - a pretty musical one that played Cannon.

I was mortified a few weeks later to receive a beautiful, long thankyou card for my non-gift card, explaining how much they enjoyed playing the tune as it was one they used in the wedding... I will never not give money again...

splashymcsplash Sat 09-Feb-13 19:41:33

The reason people do it is that wedding forums put forward that it is a perfectly reasonable and normal thing to do. No joke.

I went on one regularly while planning mywediing: it was useful for finding suppliers and getting opinions about colours etc. From what I read it seemed that most people were asking for money in poems. (and no I didn't!)

splashymcsplash Sat 09-Feb-13 19:51:05

I put a card about our gift list in the invites, but gave them out mostly in person and made clear that it was only a suggestion, and no gift was expected. I thought this was ok, but one person told me he thought it was rude.

Domjolly Sat 09-Feb-13 20:25:37

We just got a invite like that a we sent nought back and we are not going to the wedding

They are very well off and are having a 200k wedding and can pay for there honey moon themselves ffs

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 20:50:55

Just as a matter of interest, what is the entry fee going rate for weddings these days?

And do you pay give more if it is an expensive 5 star hotel with a free bar (which to me implies the b&g don't need money) or a diy buffet in a church hall?

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 09-Feb-13 21:24:23

No idea re the going rate as never give cash. I would spend more on a church hall type wedding as its likely to be more about the actual wedding itself unlike a big do which swallows up the vows and is just one big party. Plus if they can spend that much on one day thats soon over with they dont really need gifts.

Evening only do's i just take a bottle for as its just an evening out no actual wedding part.

Binkybix Sat 09-Feb-13 21:29:50

I give between 20 and 50 pounds and maybe also get a small gift. Or a gift if I think of something really perfect for that couple. I don't change the amount depending on the type of wedding because I see it as a gift I choose to give rather than an entry ticket.

chocolatesolveseverything Sat 09-Feb-13 21:38:18

Erm... when I get a wedding invite I open it up and get all excited because I'm going to be part of a couple's big day. It's an honour as far as I'm concerned.

And so long as I can afford it, I'll get them a gift. So if I get a gift list, or a request for money along with the invite, that's absolutely fine. Assuming there's a reasonable range of price options on it, I wouldn't dream of being offended. After all, it's their special day. They can arrange it how they please.

What I think is rude is receiving an invitation and then moaning about how some aspect of it is breaching the unwritten rules of weddings. If a poem asking for a bit of cash causes you so much anger, then your relationship with the couple probably isn't up to much IMHO, and maybe you'd be best off not going.

If it's of any relevance, we enclosed details of the gift list with our wedding invitations last year because we personally have always found this helpful when being invited to others'. We were blown away by how generous people were - and the smaller gifts were just as much appreciated as the larger ones.

chocoluvva Sun 10-Feb-13 00:48:25

"Moaning" on an online forum is not rude.

chocolatesolveseverything Sun 10-Feb-13 11:13:31

Yes, I agree with that chocoluvva. Sorry, I should've been clearer - contacting the couple via 'opposing poem', complaining to them, or moaning to other guests about it in a way that's going to create negativity about the wedding is rude.

Keeping your thoughts to yourself but expressing them on an anonymous online forum isn't what I was meaning.

chocoluvva Sun 10-Feb-13 13:35:12

Until I read this thread I had no idea that the wedding 'industry' had got so big. But I don't know why I'm surprised really - everything else has become more commercialised too; Easter decorations and treasure-hunt kits, New-year crackers, Valentine's day. When I got married 20 years ago many couples didn't even do gift lists.

Also, it's more often the couple who are funding the wedding so couples feel free to adopt the 'It's our special day, so we'll do whatever we like' approach rather than do what the older generation think they ought to do. It's often a huge effort and expense to go to a wedding, however joyfully you're doing it so I would not welcome a rhyming poem asking for a cash donation.

Chocolatehunter Tue 11-Jun-13 17:41:30

I'm getting married and I HATE the money poems, grabby, greedy little brats ususally send those out. I also HATE gift lists. Our invites have gone out with the specific purpose of inviting people to the wedding and telling them the details of the day that they need to know. It would be lovely if people did buy us gifts or give us money but that isn't the reason we are inviting them and we aren't getting married in our home town so lots of people will have to stay overnight. It's not reasonable to expect people to shell out for a night out, an overnight stay and a big present.

I have a friend who's just put a £300 toaster on her gust list. I didn't even know you could get a toaster for £300. I checked to see if it did anything special (like clean my house whilst I was asleep) but it doesn't, IT JUST TOASTS BREAD.

DryCounty79 Tue 11-Jun-13 18:27:44

HappyMummy, I get your point, but some people ARE having a registry office and homemade buffet wedding and they still can't afford a honeymoon of any kind smile

I don't think there's anything wrong with people saying they'd like cash in lieu of gifts if a guest really wanted to get them something. Many people appreciate a fiver just as much as £50. And some put money they could have used for a honeymoon towards the extra food and drink needed to invite someone they really want there, or who would make a big stink if they weren't invited. So not everyone requesting cash as a gift is being grabby

DryCounty79 Tue 11-Jun-13 18:43:16

Just noticed the date this discussion started. Bit late to the party! grin

soverylucky Tue 11-Jun-13 19:38:34

We got married with no gift list and only got one duplicate gift. all this stuff you hear about ten toasters - don't believe it. Most people do give money these days or something that isn't too OTT. Tbh - you should be grateful of anything. You should never expect a gift from anyone in any situation and if you don't like what they get you then tough.
Wedding presents used to be about helping a couple set up home. If a couple have already done this then there should be no gift grin

KittyLane1 Tue 11-Jun-13 20:46:36

moom I was at that wedding!!! Haha, who are you?!

MummyMUMMY87 Tue 27-Aug-13 12:30:54

We've just received a different one...

'Our wedding date we now have set,
you are invited to attend.
There is a little catch, however
we'd like to share with you, close family and friends.

**** won the Irish lotto,
(A fair amount, that's true).
So we plan to hold our wedding,
for your love and support, as our gift to you.

No travel costs or hotel fees,
This will be covered by us.
Just let us know your travel plans,
And we will sort the fuss.

We know this breaks tradition, all.
But God has blessed us with this windfall.

We ask that you don't bring a gift,
All we'd like you to bring,
Is yourselves and your presence,
As we exchange, with love, our rings.

Our evening do, then breakfast,
We will leave then for our honeymoon.
Please enjoy the hotel for the the rest of your stay,
With love, the bride and groom.'

Couldn't believe it!!!!!!!!!!!! (Will likely take a gift anyway!)

SleepyFish Tue 27-Aug-13 12:37:29

How refreshing MUMMY87.
I just received a wedding invitation from a very wealthy relative and her very wealthly fiance requesting cash towards their honeymoon in the Maldives!
As a not so wealthy single parent who's child isn't invited I politely declined.

MummyMUMMY87 Tue 27-Aug-13 13:38:47

And I'm not surprised you have!!!!

MummyMUMMY87 Tue 27-Aug-13 13:39:50

On that point SleepyFish, what are people's views on child free weddings?

MummyMUMMY87 Tue 27-Aug-13 13:47:20

How about setting up a 'gift list' on a website, however when guests log on, it's a list of things you already own :P

SleepyFish Tue 27-Aug-13 13:55:16

I think it's entirely up to individual couples whether they invite children. But for me children are part of the family too and make a wedding more fun.
Other than the expense the main reason I'm not attending is because I have no childcare. All my babysitters will be at the wedding which is unreachable by public transport. The transport laid on leaves at 11.30am and returns at 1am!

clarasebal Wed 18-Sep-13 19:12:56

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christine44 Wed 18-Sep-13 19:29:09

Hate being asked for cash. Makes me feel we are paying for our seat at the wedding

Aniceperson Sun 22-Sep-13 17:37:21

If you really like the person who's wedding you are going too then you wouldn't really mind if they send out a poem or gift list. After all you should want the best for that couple. If you do not then I'm wondering why you were invited in the first place!! I'm sick of folk moaning about what right and what is not right to do!! The couple who are getting married have chosen a comfortable place entertainment food and sometimes drink and often transport to get you there so why moan about a poem. Go ahead buy them something they don't like and watch it getting sold on gum tree the following week! Cos that's what I would do!!

Aniceperson Sun 22-Sep-13 19:18:52

If you really like the person who's wedding you are going too then you wouldn't really mind if they send out a poem or gift list. After all you should want the best for that couple. If you do not then I'm wondering why you were invited in the first place!! I'm sick of folk moaning about what right and what is not right to do!! The couple who are getting married have chosen a comfortable place entertainment food and sometimes drink and often transport to get you there so why moan about a poem. Go ahead buy them something they don't like and watch it getting sold on gum tree the following week! Cos that's what I would do!!

Tavv Sun 22-Sep-13 19:28:28

It's impolite to mention gifts at all in an invitation. Asking for money is even worse.

shaylfc9 Fri 22-Nov-13 09:25:39

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shaylfc9 Fri 22-Nov-13 09:27:36

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KristinaM Fri 22-Nov-13 09:47:57

I like gift lists. Because I have no imagination and no taste. I am very happy to be able to choose something online and know that it's just what the couple wanted.

If they don't have a gift list I send a cheque or vouchers.

When I was more hard up I would just have bought a gift I could afford, if everything On the list was too expensive

BadLad Fri 22-Nov-13 09:59:04

I love reading the poems when people post them. I suppose it's similar to the amusement I get from watching Alan Partridge. I always pounce on a gift list thread I see.

WaitMonkey Fri 22-Nov-13 10:23:28

Zombie thread ! confused

sparechange Fri 22-Nov-13 10:30:24

Elephant, outside of MN world, giftlists are fine and normal and I've never heard anyone moan about them.

The vast majority of department stores will have a bit on their website where you enter your names plus a code to get access to the giftlist, so just say which shop it is and what your code is and people will work it out from there.

The advantage of a store list is that you can chose when they are delivered, so you don't have a mamouth task at the end of the evening of having to lug everything home with you. Particularly useful if you are going straight off on a honeymoon!

BoosterBondageSapphire Fri 22-Nov-13 10:45:50

I have reported your post shaylfc9

The poems are beyond naff and I get people's visceral reaction to being blatantly asked for money. But so many couples live together before they marry these days and already have the traditional household wedding gifts aplenty anyway. What's the point of ending up with 50 x rolling pin? It's just a waste of money.

Arabesque1 Fri 22-Nov-13 11:24:46

I think most people do give money nowadays for that reason Pumpkin. But if someone's a bit hard up it can be a bit embarassing to be blatantly told that cash gifts only are wanted. At least, when you're buying a present, you can buy something inexpensive but which looks as if it cost more, or recycle an unwanted gift or think of something creative and meaningful.

Yes, granted. In which case "give money only if you can" should be strongly stated. But that principle should apply to gifts also.

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