To be utterly horrified and disgusted at my brother!

(204 Posts)
FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 13:55:55

Long story with so much background that it would be the length of War and Peace if I was to include it all! Basically my DB has been married twice and has a child to each marriage. His eldest DC lives some distance from him (think complete opposite ends of the country) involving a plane or long train journey.

He still keeps in touch with his DC1 and has her every school holiday and would be excellent at paying maintenance and would send pocket money and contribute extra towards school trips, uniforms and new shoes/clothes. However his second wife does not have a good relationship with DN and has said publicly that she feels it is disruptive for her and their child when she visits and she resents the amount money my DB contributes towards DN. MY DN1 and DN2 don't appear to have any kind of relationship and blatantly ignore each other when they are together.

So there is some background information. Cutting to last night when DN1 was admitted to hospital with a life threatening condition. She is absolutely terrified and is asking for her father (my DB). My DB is refusing to go as he has apparently no money and SIL has said she will not loan him any as she can't spare any (they have separate finances, DB pays the mortgage and bulk of household bills whilst she covers things for herself and their child). My DM has stepped in and said she will pay the airfare but DB has said that SIL is not happy for him to go and he must respect her wishes!

To say I am boiling with rage is an understatement, how anyone could treat their child inthat way at such worrying time is beyond me. Incidentally,I have taken emergency leave and got MIL to help out with my DC's so I can go tomorrow to see DN. So AIBU or should I just mind my own business?

Bakingtins Tue 05-Feb-13 13:57:56

YANBU. Poor DN. Hope she makes a full recovery.

skullcandy Tue 05-Feb-13 13:58:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowtimelikethepresent Tue 05-Feb-13 14:00:42

You are of course not being unreasonable: have a safe trip to see DN and I really hope she has a full and speedy recovery.

Your DB is of course being an arse and a prick of the first order but I really don't think you can do anything your words, yes you should mind your own business, apart from telling him (maybe just the once ) that he is being a prick and an arse of the first order and that he is colluding in his wife's atrocious behaviour.

Your poor DN!! Your brother is a disgrace quite frankly, an under the thumb prick who needs to grow a pair.

I hope she is ok.

Asamumnonsense Tue 05-Feb-13 14:04:05

No, YANBU! and it is your business. If his child is in hospital with a life threatening condition, I would talk to him. I have 2 brothers with children and one separated. If they behaved that way I would be disgusted too and would tell them. Good for you for going to visit. It is important for your DN to know that she still has a family despite her parents separation...

bigbluebus Tue 05-Feb-13 14:05:17

Your brother needs to grow a backbone. He has as much responsibility towards DC1 as DC2. The only circumstances under which I think it would be acceptable for him not to go to DC1 are if by coincidence DC2 or his DW were also seriously ill at the same time or he was too ill to travel.

StickEmUp Tue 05-Feb-13 14:15:55

You must support your children even if you have another marriage(s).

Who could honestly prevent her DH from seeing a child he had had previously and sleep at night. sad

Disgusting behaviour.

..and what a horrible woman his wife must be to be arsy over him seeing his ill DC........

BarbarianMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:17:04

YANBU! And I think you should tell him so. Probably not a good idea to say anything to his cow of a wife.

If my dh ever tried to stop me going to my sick child's bedside it would be divorce time.

When you say he would be excellent at paying maintenance etc, I assume he actually is paying?

MaxPepsi Tue 05-Feb-13 14:18:29

Your brother is a cock.

Your SIL however is an evil bitch.

My DH would be sent on his way to see his DD before he'd even finished the phone call!

ENormaSnob Tue 05-Feb-13 14:25:43

Your sil is an absolute cunt.

Your bro is a pathetic spineless prick.

Poor dn sad

Nancy66 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:28:06

what if she dies - and that areshole never went to see her? How will he feel.

I hate hate hate parents that put their relationships before their kids.

OHforDUCKScake Tue 05-Feb-13 14:30:45

SIL is a bastard. A sick one at that.

Your brother needs to grow a fricking back bone. His DD1 wont forgive him for this and I feel very sorry for her having to spend all her holidays with her step mother.

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 14:32:14

Barbarian Yes I meant that he is excellent at that side of things, would never dream of not contributing.

SIL is an extremely insecure and jealous person and has banned my DB and DN1 just doing things on their own when DN1 visits, DN2 always has to be included. When she pg with DN2 she effectively banned DN1 from staying at their house on access visits as she was too tired so my DM had her.

She also does not want my DB meeting his ex wife alone as she is convinced ex sil will make a play for DB, which is laughable as they HATE each other, had a very acrimonious divorce and can only communicate by text or email these days. My DB had been divorced 4 years when he met his current wife.

LetMeAtTheWine Tue 05-Feb-13 14:32:44

That is terrible! How would your current SIL feel if the situation changed, your brother met someone new having split with current partner and new partner then said he 'couldn't' see his children from either of his previous relationships, illness aside (which is obviously terrible) it is an awful thing to do.
Both your brother and your SIL are an absolute disgrace. I don't think I could hold my tongue if I was you and would definitely have something to say to him. Such a shame for his daughter sad

JeezyOrangePips Tue 05-Feb-13 14:34:28


Your sil should try and think about how she would feel if she was the ex rather than the current, and it was her child lying in hospital with a spineless ex that wouldn't stand up for her daughter.

Your brother needs to grow a pair.

MimiSunshine Tue 05-Feb-13 14:42:32

You are right to feel everything you do about this situation. And you would be absolutely right to say something.
If you, his sister, aren’t close enough to point out that not to go would be the single biggest mistake he could make then who is? Well his wife probably.

I think a simple phone call, very matter of fact saying ‘your daughter could die, I’m on a flight [insert time and date] and I expect you to be on it with me. Wake up and realise the reality what that means when you say you can’t go because you have to respect your wife’s feelings.’

If he starts excusing her attitude then just say ‘none of that is relevant, likely or more important than being with DN1 right now. Get your priorities in order .’ Then put the phone down.

LetMeAtTheWine Tue 05-Feb-13 14:46:16

Yes, do what MimiSunshine said.

imogengladhart Tue 05-Feb-13 14:47:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tailtwister Tue 05-Feb-13 14:48:02

He has to go, his child is asking for him. Your SIL is behaving appallingly and your DB not much better. How dare she think her wishes trump the needs of his child! I wonder how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot? If I were you I don't know if I could bring myself to speak to her again.

Call him and tell him to get up to his daughter now, no excuses.

pigletmania Tue 05-Feb-13 14:51:39

My goodness what a disgrace your db is, an your sil is a nasty piece of work.

TheOriginalLadyFT Tue 05-Feb-13 14:52:00

Feel for you - I have this situation very close to home, and the wife of man involved is a lunatic control freak, and goes out of her way to limit man's contact with the child involved. Is totally sickening, and both are at fault. Vile

DreamingofSummer Tue 05-Feb-13 14:53:37

your brother needs to grow a pair

what mimisunshine said!!!!!

fuzzpig Tue 05-Feb-13 14:57:54

That is horrific. Lost for words TBH.

good for you for going to see her though. at least she'll know someone cares

bleedingheart Tue 05-Feb-13 15:03:09

I am aghast!

I hope they see this thread! What kind of parent wouldn't go and what kind of parent wouldn't 'let' someone go?
She has a daughter herself and can't empathise? What an utter, utter disgrace!

I'm so glad you are able to go OP, you are well within your rights to tell him how upset and let down you feel.

LtEveDallas Tue 05-Feb-13 15:11:00

How old is DN1? If she is a teen your brother can expect for her to NEVER want to see him again. In fact, if I were her mother I wouldn't ALLOW her to see her father again. His lack of action in this case would be a complete dealbreaker for me. Spineless wanker and a poor excuse for a father.

(I'm sorry OP, I know he's your brother, but this is just awful)

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 15:24:29

I don't agree with not calling SIL out on this. I'd be telling her EXACTLY what I thought of her vile behaviour. The fucking evil bitch.

He is a terrible father and a very weak man and I'd struggle to have anything to do with him after this, OP. if I was your sick niece's mother I would not be sending my child to spend school holidays with them, they all sound awful. You, on the other hand are really lovely.

Your mother must be disgusted with her so , that is her grandchild he doesn't appear to give a shit about.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 15:25:07

*with her son, not with her so.

whathellcall Tue 05-Feb-13 15:35:04

Agree with jinglemum. Sil and your db are both a fucking disgrace and I'd feel obliged to tell them so angry

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 15:39:58

Sorry was away doing the school run, wasn't expecting all these replies. Have spent the day in tears of worry, frustration and rage. DB always used to be lovely, his divorce left him with a certain amount of bitterness and SIL is quite an angry, ranty and selfish person. Think a culmination of these things has had an effect, believe me he was brought up better than this. My poor mum is in bits, she has actually told me she is ashamed which is a big thing for my mum to admit as DB always used to be put on a pedestal!

Have just sent the following text, I know I'll get flamed for not speaking to him but honestly don't trust myself given the state I'm in-

DB, I really don't want to cause an argument as that is the last thing we all need. However I think you aren't grasping how serious this situation is and how much your daughter needs you, she is beyond terrified. I fully expect to see you there tomorrow.

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 15:41:03

Oh and DN is mid-teens.

ENormaSnob Tue 05-Feb-13 15:45:14

I agree they need calling on it.

Not sure I could speak to them after this though. They are disgusting, both of them.

LtEveDallas Tue 05-Feb-13 15:45:53

If he doesn't go OP, your neice will never recover from that. She will never forget that her father LET HER DOWN when she needed him most. I am so, so sorry this is happening to her.

I hope beyond hope that your DN pulls through and is well enough to give your brother a bloody good right hook.

Well done you for going. You may not be her dad, but it will mean a lot to her. I'm glad you can support your DN and ExSIL when they need you.

Saski Tue 05-Feb-13 15:59:12

I think you could probably do your twatty SIL a big favor by telling her exactly how vile she is. She might be so thick that she doesn't know.

HoleyGhost Tue 05-Feb-13 16:06:04

Good text. gets the point across without giving him a chance to get defensive

hope your dn makes a full recovery

EasilyBored Tue 05-Feb-13 16:09:25

Your SIL is an atrocious cunt and your DB needs to grow a pair and be a good father. Your DN might never forgive him for this, I hope he can see that.

I really hope your DN is OK. She's lucky to have other people who care about her.

NikkiH Tue 05-Feb-13 16:17:58

Hope your DB realises the error of his ways, goes promptly to his daughter's side and DN makes a full and swift recovery.

GilmoursPillow Tue 05-Feb-13 16:20:26

God what a sad thread!

I'm so glad you're going, I hope your brother wakes up and goes too.

I have everything crossed your niece makes a full and speedy recovery.

UC Tue 05-Feb-13 16:23:54

Appalling. A life threatening condition, and her father's wife says he can't go. That's disgusting. And he has given into that? He needs to wake up - his DAUGHTER may not be around to forgive him, could he forgive himself?

I hope your DN is all right, and pulls through. If she doesn't, your DB will have to live with the guilt. I can't imagine his marriage surviving that.

Good for you for going. I hope you are all ok.

whattodoo Tue 05-Feb-13 16:24:01

As others have said, your DN and her mother will never forgive him for this.
And I suspect, in his heart of hearts he will never forgive himself or his wife either.

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 16:24:02

Right Ok, situation has taken a turn for the worse,which I had wanted to avoid.
Just had SIL on the phone shrieking shouting at me to mind my own business and how dare I guilt trip her husband into doing what I wanted. I kept calm and told her that the situation was serious and my DB needed to be with his child.

At this point she screamed that her husband had priorities here that he couldn't drop every time his ex and his daughter were being drama queens! At that she put the phone down.

You can guarentee that that piece of shit is well truly dead to me. Never willI utter another word nor be in the same room again.

Let's hope that DN can see that myself and my parents truly care and always will.

HecateWhoopass Tue 05-Feb-13 16:26:18

So his child might die?

And he won't go because his wife won't 'let him'?

He is a, well. I don't actually have words for what he is.

And her? You don't marry someone who has children if you can't accept that they have children.

I wish this young girl well. Hope she recovers quickly.

She will never ever forget that her dad wasn't there for her when she needed him the most because he chose to be with a woman who would be happy if she was wiped off the face of the earth.

manticlimactic Tue 05-Feb-13 16:27:44

Well lets hope you SIL is never in the same situation and arguing the toss about priorities with their DC sad

HecateWhoopass Tue 05-Feb-13 16:28:44

no father should ever have to be 'guilt tripped' into being with his child when they have a life threatening illness.

It shouldn't take more than the words "life threatening" to make a parent leg it to the nearest train station

What kind of scum would just sit there, bleeting about being made to feel guilty?

cocolepew Tue 05-Feb-13 16:29:25

Horrendous behaviour.

I hope you DN makes a full recovery, at least she can count on you.

Andro Tue 05-Feb-13 16:29:37

OP, I really hope your DN makes a full and speedy recovery and I'm sure she'll appreciate you visiting her. I shudder to think of the damage this will have done to her relationship with her father, but in truth he will have brought it on himself.

Please let us know how your DN is if at all possible.

BigAudioDynamite Tue 05-Feb-13 16:31:33

I agree with jingle. Someone needs to tell SiL to fuck off. I'd be tempting to go and knock her out, so brother can her on his way to the hospital.

What affect will it have on DN2, to see that dad isn't visiting his other dd when she is so ill??....will that angle work on her?

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 16:32:36

Exactly Hecate I can't put into words how the sheer disgust and loathing I feel for the pair of them. I'm embarrassed that I share DNA with him to be honest.

AmberSocks Tue 05-Feb-13 16:33:58

if he wanted to go that much he would tell his wife to fuck off and find a way to get there,he obviously doesn't care.

BigAudioDynamite Tue 05-Feb-13 16:33:59

X posted OP....yes, you will need to knock her out....

I really really hope she is on mumsnet

quoteunquote Tue 05-Feb-13 16:34:15

I can't believe he would risk his long term relationship with his daughter, what a total twonk,

As for your SiL what a nasty horrid way to behave, she must be one very sad individual to do something so spiteful, how worrying that she does this in front of own child, not a good influence.

I never understand why anyone would form a relationship with anyone if they are not going to take their children on as part of the deal, or why you would continue a relationship if the other person isn't into your children,

some one always gets hurt, and in my experience it is always the children,

I hope your niece gets better soon, she must be devastated to find out her father is so pathetic, quite frightening to find out your parents don't have unconditional love for you,

I hope you have an independent relationship with your niece as I suspect she will give up on your brother, unless he starts to put her needs first.

can you go?

Maybe83 Tue 05-Feb-13 16:35:29

Oh my god I would actually have restrain my self from physical violence. If this happened to my dd her stepmother would be devasted and at her bed side with her dad. As I would for my step son. Not that we are all best of friends were not but we are all decent people who love the kids in our relationships. If my dh behaved like your sil I d be filing for divorce today

I would never speak to the vile bitch ever again I would cut her out of the family from this day on. Your poor mother. Have to say if I was your dn mother this would be the end of all contact with 2 very toxic people. And as for your brother if he doesn't go I would never speak to him again either. What horrible selfish people hope your dn makes a speedy recovery.

11Plustrauma Tue 05-Feb-13 16:36:25

Your sil really is a piece of work and your brother is a spineless wonder. He needs to get himself a backbone pretty quickly.

NotSoNervous Tue 05-Feb-13 16:38:32

Your poor DN hmm

Your DB is a complete dick and needs a kick where the sun don't shine and your SIL is evil, how can she be not happy for him to go the horrible cow

Your DN is lucky to have you as an auntie who will go, have a safe trip and I hope she gets well soon

Goldmandra Tue 05-Feb-13 16:39:46

Send him one more text:

"If your daughter dies will your wife allow you to go to her funeral or might that be inconvenient too?"

HoleyGhost Tue 05-Feb-13 16:41:53

This is a lot more important than any funeral. She is asking for her Dad.

DizzyZebra Tue 05-Feb-13 16:42:59

Your brother needs to grow a pair and leave the vile bitch. I am actually angry reading this. can I have her e-mail?

pigletpower Tue 05-Feb-13 16:43:53

This has really upset me and I'm only reading a thread.Words fail me.Please could you let your niece stop with you next holidays? Your mother must be distraught.I cannot believe how shit some people can be.Well done for going to see your niece,you sound brilliant.thanks

whathellcall Tue 05-Feb-13 16:46:54

Hecate You're right he shouldn't have to be guilt tripped, but if it worked at least his daughter would benefit until she grows up and sees him for the useless cunt he is

Op I could cry for your dn, thank god she has some decent relatives, really hope she's ok

DizzyZebra Tue 05-Feb-13 16:48:40

In fact send her to my house how dare she shout at you like that? I've never felt so angry from reading something online, id love to speak to her face to face.

I am so angry on your and your DN's behalf. How on earth your brother and his wife can be so evil is beyond me.

His child is seriously ill, no matter what age his child is, when they are very ill a decent parent would do everything in their power to be there.

I'm sorry that they are fucking twatting bastards OPand I'm glad your DN has you and your mum to offer love and support.

Andro Tue 05-Feb-13 16:50:13

Goldmandra - I wouldn't normally agree with something so brutally hurtful, but your suggestion may at least bring home to him the gravity of the situation.

Goldmandra Tue 05-Feb-13 16:51:51

Andro I wouldn't normally suggest anything so vile either but I think this guy needs to wake up to reality.

Andro Tue 05-Feb-13 16:52:51

Goldmandra - couldn't agree more!

AmberLeaf Tue 05-Feb-13 16:57:09


Hope your DN is ok.

I expect that she already realises how important she is to her dad sadly.

I really hope your dn is ok. And I really hope your brother sorts himself out. And quickly. I literally can't believe that anyone would not be at their child's side as quick as possible in this sort of situation. Has your brother replied at all?

BubblegumPie Tue 05-Feb-13 17:03:33

Do you think SIL is abusive? I can't comprehend anyone willingly staying away from their child like this. He must be afraid of something.

skullcandy Tue 05-Feb-13 17:10:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dinkystinky Tue 05-Feb-13 17:10:18

That is appalling behaviour by your Brother and SIL - I believe they will come to deeply regret their actions today but the damage has been done. I really hope your niece recovers quickly and am glad she has you and your parents in her life.

Andro Tue 05-Feb-13 17:11:29

BubblegumPie raises and excellent point, it's not on;y men who can be EA jerks.

Andro Tue 05-Feb-13 17:11:39


Timetoask Tue 05-Feb-13 17:12:05

He is obviously TERRIFIED of his new wife...
His new wife is probably testing him (you choose between me and your DD).
I hope he realises how unreasonable this woman is, his DD needs him now.

FiercePanda Tue 05-Feb-13 17:13:15

Your poor niece. I'm glad she has you and the rest of her family, but she needs her Dad. Say it plain to him - "DB, your daughter could be dying. You need to see her. PS:Your wife is a cunt."

Oh your poor DN1. I hope one day your DB wakes up and realises how unreasonable and nasty his wife2 is.

I hope your DN1 gets well soon x

ratbagcatbag Tue 05-Feb-13 17:17:59

How awful, if I ever said anything like that to my DH regarding his mid teens DSS he'd been yelling at me to pack my bags as he legged it out the door and righty so. Agree with earlier poster who said we'd both be there ASAP for him.

I really hope your db realises what he's doing and grows some balls. sad how sad for dn.

ratbagcatbag Tue 05-Feb-13 17:18:18

Sorry his ds, my dss

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 05-Feb-13 17:18:46

He wouldn't be the first parent I've met who refuses to be with his life threatened child and I am pretty sure he won't be the last. I wish your DN well, poor kid and safe journey OP.

MadamFolly Tue 05-Feb-13 17:23:07

Can you go to his house and fetch him when the wife is out?

Writehand Tue 05-Feb-13 17:24:01

My DM has stepped in and said she will pay the airfare but DB has said that SIL is not happy for him to go and he must respect her wishes!

Holy shit! Your DB seems to have no sense of proportion. What if the child dies? It's beyond pathetic. Beyond. It's truly morally wrong.

Doesn't the stupid cow your SIL realise that the way your DB treats the DC he had before she met him tells her everything she needs to know about how he'll treat hers if they ever split? He's a good D, but in this instance his spinelessness beggars belief.

I hate crap SMs like your SIL. I'm a SM, and I'd have to say I'm a very good one. My DSS and DSs love each other dearly. My DH adored his DD -- and I did every bloody thing possible to foster their relationship. We made sure that my DSD and our DSs had lots of time together, lots of love and communication, All 3 of my DHs DCs are now close and loving. And frankly, that's the functional selfish way to be. When the beloved people around you are happy, then you are happy.

thebody Tue 05-Feb-13 17:25:04

Hope your dn is ok?

Phone or visit the bastard and the bitch troll and tell them exactly what you think of their behaviour.

It will make you feel better, maybe make him think twice about this.

Personally I wouldn't want to ever associate with sil or speak to her again.

NatashaBee Tue 05-Feb-13 17:25:51

SIL sounds evil and vicious. I would be going round there, forcibly putting him in the car and dragging him with me to see DN. At least then he could just say that he was forced to go and hopefully wouldn't get quite such an earbashing from SIL. And whilst he's at the hospital, I would get him a set of balls fitted, since he's obviously missing his pair. Clearly DN is very seriously ill if PIL are offering to pay airfare and you're dropping everything to visit.

BacardiNCoke Tue 05-Feb-13 17:26:02

Jesus Christ! What absolute fuckers they both are! shock I wouldn't have anything to do with either of them after this.

I'm a stepmum and I treat my DSD exactly the same as my own 2 dds. In fact I frequently say she is my first born as we've had custody since she was small, before my own 2 came along. Both DH and I would drop everything to be there if she needed us (and have in the past).

oh gosh, what a horrible situation. If anything happened to DSD or DSS...well, I simply can't imagine any circumstance under which I'd not want DH to go to them. I'd want to be there too. Awful.

FairPhyllis Tue 05-Feb-13 17:39:42

My 80 year old grandmother who was ill herself, couldn't walk and had never flown before in her life got herself organised and got on a plane to go to her dying daughter's bedside. What's his excuse?

I'm sorry but your brother is a spineless piece of shit. I pray your DN pulls through.

Does your DB maybe really really not appreciate how sick his DD is??

<clutching at straws

Does his fucking awful excuse for a wife? " Being a drama queen"

Give me strength..

pictish Tue 05-Feb-13 17:46:59

How awful OP.
She is a hag and he is a spineless wanker.

I hold him responsible, as the father he should just go.

I'd quite like to smack her in the chops just for sport though.

Workdrama Tue 05-Feb-13 17:47:50

Awful. Just awful. Your DB and SiL should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Disgusting behaviour. Wishing you a safe journey to your DN. Hope she makes a full recovery.

CheerfulYank Tue 05-Feb-13 18:01:53

Ughhhh! I cannot believe these people! Am shocked and horrified. I'd tell SIL off good and proper and then never speak to her again.

BigAudioDynamite Tue 05-Feb-13 18:06:04

My uncle didn't go to my cousins (his sons) funeral sad

MrsTwinks Tue 05-Feb-13 18:06:43

Hope your niece is ok. Your SIL needs her ass kicked, ask her how she would feel if her childs father put ANYONE over them while they were in hospital. The woman needs a harsh lesson in perspective.

I don't think your DB actually realises the damage this is going to do to his relationship with his daughter, but then in my experience men who abandon their children for their new wives rarely do until its too late. My FIL didnt hear from his father for nearly 30 years because the new wife didn't like the fact he had other children, my DH didn't know he had uncles/cousins until he was 12. Luckily for the most part FIL and his siblings all speak so I hope that happens for your DN's. x

Fucking hell! I could swing for your sil and I've never met her, your db too. What a shit excuse for a father. And she's like a fucking disney wicked stepmother!

I hope your DN recovers and I'm glad she has family that does care for her x

Nicolaeus Tue 05-Feb-13 18:22:14

Am furious too.

Sadly it reminds me of when my friend was in a coma and her dad didn't fly out to see her for 'business reasons' angry

their relationship never recovered

Hope your DN gets better

I can only see one Drama Queen here and it is not your Ex Sil or DN.

Hope your DN gets better soon.

littlecloud Tue 05-Feb-13 18:56:17

Wow what a bitch, poor DN seriously your brother needs a good talking to and she needs a good slap.

xxDebstarxx Tue 05-Feb-13 18:56:21

OMG this is awful. I hope your DN gets well soon.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 18:59:46

I really hope you & your poor mum never have anything to do with SIL again, there are no words to describe how evil the bastard is.

She needs a smack, and I'm not a violent person, but I would want to smash her face in if I were you, OP.

Alligatorpie Tue 05-Feb-13 19:01:14

I can't believe your brother doesn't see how this will affect his relationship with his dd forever. He needs to stand up to his wife.

diddl Tue 05-Feb-13 19:11:35

YADDDDDNBU-other than that-speechless.

TheNebulousBoojum Tue 05-Feb-13 19:15:51

YANBU, he needs to leave the bastard and fight for both of his daughters. He's in an emotionally abusive relationship that is harmful to all those in it.
Your poor niece.

TheNebulousBoojum Tue 05-Feb-13 19:17:37

Oops. I meant that he should fight for the right to be a proper father to both of them. blush

Uppermid Tue 05-Feb-13 19:22:14

You a bitch you sil is. A nasty piece of work, your db is in a difficult situation if she's like that but he needs to realise that his dd comes first, not her.

God forbid anything happens to her he'll never forgive himself, and he shouldn't.

Uppermid Tue 05-Feb-13 19:22:39

What a bitch, not you a bitch!

mollymawk Tue 05-Feb-13 19:23:08

This is so sad. Hope your niece recovers soon.

StuntGirl Tue 05-Feb-13 19:23:22

Your brother is an absolute spineless shit.

And his wife? Well, there no words for that heartless bitch.

I'm so glad for your niece that the rest of her family are rallying around her. I wish her a speedy recovery and all of you the strength to get through this thanks

If this were my brother I'd be having some serious, serious fucking words and an absolute re-think of my relationship with him. And my brother is probably one of my best friends in the world, but I'd still cut him out if he behaved this atrociously.

DizzyZebra Tue 05-Feb-13 19:40:12

I can't stop coming back to this. Your niece is in my thoughts, please come back with good news about her condition.

Thank god she has you and the rest of your family.

Also, link her this thread so she can see what we think of her and spineless db.

DizzyZebra Tue 05-Feb-13 19:40:34

Sorry, link sil this thread, not dn

maxmillie Tue 05-Feb-13 19:46:30

This is one of the most sad and depressing stories I have seen on MN. really hope your DN is ok OP.

Theshriekingharpy Tue 05-Feb-13 19:52:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum Tue 05-Feb-13 19:57:03

She's not denying him access though, is she (unless she's got him under lock and key). However vile she is, he's the one choosing not to go.

GroupieGirl Tue 05-Feb-13 20:03:30

Just wanted to add my support for what you're doing OP and my hopes for your neice.

ledkr Tue 05-Feb-13 20:06:43

They both sound utter cunts tbh.
The only good thing is that they are stuck together in a needy, non supportive sham of a relationship.
I hope your niece is ok.

ThingummyBob Tue 05-Feb-13 20:13:37

Family, I just wanted to add my two pence worth for you.

My dd has a father who is a total twat like your brother but his sisters and mum have always been supportive of both dd and I.

Their unfailing loyalty to their niece/gd (dd) has meant that over the years we have forged a bond and I consider them as part of our extended family, and vice versa.

I have found their support to be massively rewarding especially when I know they don't see or hear from dds father any more then we do.

Just so you know.

You can't make up for the fact that your brother is being a knob, but your support and love (and your mums) will be appreciated I'm sure.

Have some thanks for being a kind and caring aunt.

NopeStillNothing Tue 05-Feb-13 20:23:03

For the first time in a long time, I am speechless! Please keep us updated OP. I'm not wasting another thought on your cunt of a brother but sincerely hope things turn out ok for your poor DN sad

MrsOakenshield Tue 05-Feb-13 20:30:11

so if your DB did the right thing, what would cuntSIL do, exactly? Other than scream, rant, rage and with any luck make your DB realize how awful she is and head for a solicitor asap, once DN1 is safe, and ensure he gets custody rather than leave his child with this utter loon? I mean, what exactly is her hold over him? I don't know anything about this kind of thing but it sounds like domestic abuse of some sort? Or is it simply your DB being too utterly feeble for words?

I would text him again and point out that he is likely to be kissing his relationship with DN1, and maybe his DM, goodbye (and definitely his relationship with you!).

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 20:35:57

Well better news this evening! They have managed to stabilise DN's condition and she is out of danger. Her condition will mean she will be on medication for the rest of her life and still has the potential to be life threatening if not monitored closely and if DN doesn't look after herself and take the medication. Can't see that happening as she's a sensible girl. She'll stay in hospital for at least another week.

Not heard anything from DB but he has put it on Facebook about DN which is resulting in lot's of sympathetic replies which are making me particularly stabby and even more outraged!

HecateWhoopass Tue 05-Feb-13 20:37:35

He did WHAT?

He couldn't be arsed to actually be there for his child when she needed him, but he's after sympathy and attention for himself on the back of her potentially fatal illness?

Oh, I would SO be plastering that bit of info all over the bloody place. I don't care how undignified it is.

Damned arsewipe.

Thank god she's out of danger! Think mumsnet are more worried about her than your brother. Maybe you should post on his face book asking when he's gonna get his sorry ass to hospital to see her. Just so everyone who's being sympathetic can see what a fuckface he is.

Uppermid Tue 05-Feb-13 20:42:12

What quietninja said

Squitten Tue 05-Feb-13 20:42:57

Glad she's out of danger!

I think I would also be asking on that status why he's not gone to visit her since she's do ill and asking for her father. Your bridges with these nasty people are already burning so you have nothing to lose and he deserves for his friends to see what a twat he is.

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 20:44:47

Hecate & QuietNinja believe me I am extremely tempted to point this out but I will not lower myself to have a public slanging match on FB, which is what will happen when SIL sees my comment!!

FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn Tue 05-Feb-13 20:45:08

I am shock at this.

Agree that you should pull him up on his Facebook status for all the world to see.

Arsewipe angry

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Tue 05-Feb-13 20:48:57

Disgraceful. I am a stepmum as well as a mum and am astounded that your DB has allowed his wife to make him take this position. If I ever did that ( not that i would) I would expect DH to leave me.

dinkystinky Tue 05-Feb-13 20:51:06

So glad she's out of danger - really hope she will be OK in the longterm on the meds. As for your brother and FB - well, that is crass beyond belief. Delete and block him from FB.

theoriginalandbestrookie Tue 05-Feb-13 20:51:38

The whole story is shocking, particularly the FB bit.
I wouldn't post anything nasty on FB but I would put something like. " Why don't you come with me to see DD. I know it would mean the world to her."

Does it in a way that won't cause WW3 and gives him the chance to do the right thing by his daughter.

What an utter arse he is.

Well you are much more grown up than me your sil and your 'd'b. I'm so so cross on your and your nieces behalf. I really hope she gets better quick and you give him a fecking good talking to and tell your sil to fuck off and never talk to you again.

MrsOakenshield Tue 05-Feb-13 20:55:45

oh, that's great news she's out of danger.

I would still post something for all to see on FB and then leave it, if SIL wants to respond don't get involved, she's only going to show herself up as a heartless bitch.

bleedingheart Tue 05-Feb-13 20:57:08

So glad your DN is out of danger. Doubt your dB will be forgiven.

DoItToJulia Tue 05-Feb-13 20:57:14

You sound like a good antidote to your brother. DN is lucky to have you.

diddl Tue 05-Feb-13 21:04:22

Oh thank goodness.

I´d be having to sit on my hands to avoid putting something oh FB.

Still, you, your Mum & his daughter know how bothered he was.

Won´t FBers work it out by the fact that he won´t be visiting?

I mean, all else aside, his daughter is in hospital-and likely to be for a week...

Speaks for itself.

trixymalixy Tue 05-Feb-13 21:06:52

Your poor DN sad angry.

I would not be able to hold back from telling your DB and SIL exactly what I thought of them publicly on FB. What utter utter cunts.

Andro Tue 05-Feb-13 21:07:58

Family - I'm glad the news is positive.

Your brother and SIL are still beyond polite words though...

Whoknowswhocares Tue 05-Feb-13 21:12:34

Agree with everything already said about DB and SIL.........utterly contemptible, vile tossers, both of them

Please don't put anything on FB though......what if DN sees it? Compounding her hurt by telling everyone she knows is cruel and she is getting more than enough of that already from her father. Sit on your hands if you must, but please show restraint for her sake

NopeStillNothing Tue 05-Feb-13 21:13:34

You don't need to put anything shitty just something along the lines of 'DN was asking after you when I visited to support her through this terrifying experience. When shall I tell her you are coming'
You are a spineless piece of shit, how dare you refuse to visit your critically ill daughter when she has asked for you in hospital yet play the caring worried Father for all to see on FB. Fucking do one cunt!

Either is fine.

Bearandcub Tue 05-Feb-13 21:15:40

Having just read through all this I'm livid and hugely relieved your DN is stable. Wish her well and help her move on both from the trauma of the events but the life-changing situation she has gone through.

I hope you, your mother and your niece grow closer in supporting each other in leaving your brother behind. He is worth no more time.

You don't need to get into a slanging match, simply point out he is a cunt who wouldn't visit his daughter because his wife said he wasn't allowed then unfriend him.

I personally would be sending a message saying that you no longer have a brother or SIL, they are a fucking disgrace.

Glad to hear good news on your DN.

He put it on Facebook? shock

I could think of a few things you could post on there angry.

Nanny0gg Tue 05-Feb-13 21:23:58

Anyone else wish that SiL was on Mumsnet?

I'm glad the news is better for your DN, OP. It might not hurt to put a carefully worded message on FB. I wouldn't be able to resist.

DeepRedBetty Tue 05-Feb-13 21:24:25

Have lurked this thread as didn't trust myself not to say something unforgivable... So pleased DN is stable. Sorry but your db's no.2 missis sounds like an utter bitch.

whoopwhoopbib Tue 05-Feb-13 21:25:39

Only just found this thread and am so pleased to have read that your dn is out of danger.

I can't believe your db wouldn't visit her though, does he not realise that it is very easy to replace a wife but impossible to replace your child??

Tell DB & SIL how utterly PATHETIC they are. In no uncertain terms.
YA absolutely NBU.

I hope your DN makes a speedy recovery poor thing.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 21:27:47

NopeStillNothing fabulous post!!

Your niece is lucky to have a wonderful aunt & grandmother. I can't help but feel so sorry for her though, how must she feel that her dad didn't come? sad

Eventually, your brother will deeply resent his wife for this, I would bet my house that they won't last and that he'll see how vile her behaviour has been. He'll hate her. That's no excuse though, he could still have gone, he didn't need her permission. He is an utter, utter disgrace of a man.

Whoknowswhocares Tue 05-Feb-13 21:27:51

I imagine DN will find it bloody easy to replace a father now, with someone who gives a toss. Stupid, stupid man

Glad she is out of danger OP

LittlePicnic Tue 05-Feb-13 21:29:53

Yanbu- your brother needs to step up to his responsibilities. His wife needs to remember that marriage joins families; his daughter is her step- daughter and she could die. I hope she gets well soon! X

trixymalixy Tue 05-Feb-13 21:30:17

I like nopestillnothing's idea.

diddl Tue 05-Feb-13 21:30:31

SILs actions are unbelievable-but his more so!

I just can´t think how she is stopping him?

Is she abusive??

In which case he should get himself & his younger daughter away!

I mean it´s really hard to understand, isn´t it?

Father is told he isn´t allowed to see his sick daughter-& he accepts it??

11Plustrauma Tue 05-Feb-13 21:34:25

So glad to hear she's doing better.

He's still behaving like a spineless wonder and SIL, if you're a MNetter, you're a grade A class 1 cunt of the highest order.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 21:35:58

diddl I know? What man would accept that? A divorce would be on the cards in 99% of cases.

The love I have for my child is overwhelming, nothing or no-one could keep me from her if she were ill.

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 21:40:57

diddl She's definately not physically abusive but I believe she may be guilty of emotional abuse. She is highly manipulative and would cry and lock herself in rooms when he won't do as she wants. DN2 is extremely spoilt and entitled. They have already been summoned to school as DN2 has been bullying another child. Of course in their eyes the school have blown it out of proportion and DN2 is the one that is being victimized.

Astley Tue 05-Feb-13 21:50:36

That witch of a woman would be dead to me. You're totally right, I would, never ever speak to her again.

Your brother is no man.

You on the other hand sound like a wonderful aunt. Your DN will know from now on who really loves her.

Theshriekingharpy Tue 05-Feb-13 22:30:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wow just read all of this.

Op yanbu at all in the least bit.

Bet your ex sil is counting her lucky stars they divorced when they did if this is how he behaves!

Glad your niece is getting better.

Are you still going?

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 05-Feb-13 23:00:27

Bloody hell - your brother is a scumbag and your sil a fucking cunt - your poor poor dn having such a useless father. Please post on his fb!

That poor girl sad

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 23:03:21

Yes still going, she may be out of immediate danger but she is still very poorly and needs family around her.

Of course she does. Good luck with it all look after yourself

bedmonster Tue 05-Feb-13 23:15:56

Lost for words.

Glad your dn is out of immediate danger, and also so pleased she has other family members she can count on. She is as lucky as you are lovely.

Your db on the other hand is a complete bellend. As is sil. Fucking disgrace the pair of them. Sorry.

BigAudioDynamite Tue 05-Feb-13 23:16:32

Post a link to this thread on his Facebook

The damage is done huh.....even if he went now, it would be too late....he can never explain sufdiciently, why he wasn't there straight away

Whitewineformeplease Tue 05-Feb-13 23:24:54

I am, like everybody else, shocked. Your poor, poor, DN. what horrible, spiteful people your DB and DSIL are. You've tried with them; don't waste any more of your energy, save that for your DN. she doesn't need people like that in her life; especially when she's so poorly. Give her all the love and support you can, and if I was you, I'd be cutting those fuckers out of my life entirely.

Cherriesarelovely Tue 05-Feb-13 23:25:09

Thank god for you OP. Your poor neice, she must be so upset. Glad she is improving. There is no way on earth that anything would come between any decent parent and their child, particularly in the situation you describe. What a despicable man.

wannaBe Tue 05-Feb-13 23:55:14

I'm not usually one for public slanging matches on facebook, but tomorrow after you've seen dn I would be inclined to post the following:

"Have just been to see DN today, she is doing better but she is missing her daddy who could not get out from under the thumb for long enough to bother to go and see her. :-(" and then ignore everything that sil says in response.

DizzyZebra Wed 06-Feb-13 02:02:06


Delayingtactic Wed 06-Feb-13 03:56:23

Dear fucking god. Your poor mother must be ashamed. I would find my DS and his stupid frickin wife and let them have it after that disgusting display. And to put his dd illness on FB to garner sympathy is below the belt.

I would 100% post a message saying that's she's doing loads better but missed her dad and isn't it terribly sad that he didn't find the time to come see her. The little shit.

I'm glad she's doing better but dear god she must be feeling let down by her dad.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 07:33:01

I think I would be very tempted to put-"have been to see niece, shame that her father can´t find the time".

But then, would he even care??

LtEveDallas Wed 06-Feb-13 07:47:30

I wouldn't be able to help myself. I would certainly enter into a FB fight over something this important. If I could shame him into going, I would.

I would post "Oh dear God I'm so glad to see this - I honestly thought you were serious when you said you weren't going to see her. Sorry bruv, I should have known better. Do you want my ticket or is mum buying you your own? Would be lovely to travel with you"

FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn Wed 06-Feb-13 08:03:06

What LtEve said.

imogengladhart Wed 06-Feb-13 08:05:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish Wed 06-Feb-13 08:50:06

I can just imagine being outraged by this as you are OP.
Very frustrating situation indeed.

pictish Wed 06-Feb-13 08:50:34

And no - nothing on fb. You need to talk to your brother face to face, and alone.

LtEveDallas Wed 06-Feb-13 08:54:43

Oh, I forgot to say...

Best of luck for today OP. I hope your Neice is feeling stronger and that she recovers well. You should let her and her mum know that there is a lot of love and strength coming her way.

(and yes, I understand what people are saying about FB. They are more wise than me - I didn't think of your neice seeing the messages afterwards. They are right, it would make things even harder for her, sorry)

GooseyLoosey Wed 06-Feb-13 09:02:22

My son was admitted to hospital with life threatening injuries a few years ago. Dh went with him in the helicopter as he too was injured. He accidentally took the car keys with him and my purse was in the car.

I hitch-hiked across 2 counties to get to the specialist unit where my son was. Strangers went out of their way to drive me there. It never, ever, ever occured to me that money or practicalities would stop me getting to my son. I would have crawled there if necessary. I think that this is what most parents would have done in my position.

I cannot reconcile your brother's actions with those of a loving father and sadly for both him and his dd, I think she may have trouble with this too.

imogengladhart Wed 06-Feb-13 09:17:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I hope your DN is feeling stronger this morning OP. Im glad you are still going to see her- believe me, it will make all the difference in the world.
I too have a spineless shit of a father, and have been in and out of hospital all my life (although thankfully nothing life threatening)- not once did he visit me, send a card, nothing.
As a result of this we do not have a relationship. I havent spoken to him for 21 years.
His sister however is a huge part of my life, and always will be. She is always by my side if I need her.
I would also be very tempted to post something on facebook, however I agree that it would be even more damaging for your DN if she saw it. However, if she asks where he is, don't, whatever you do, lie to her. Don't be nasty about it but don't lie to make her feel better. She deserves to know what a prick he is.
I hope he realises that one day she will probably totally cut him off. I am utterly aghast at thw fact that he is pleading for sympathy on facebook, thats disgraceful.

I'll give SIL a smack though where does she live?!

I hope DN makes a speedy recovery- please update us when you can.

Goldmandra Wed 06-Feb-13 09:36:18

I wanted to add my voice to those who are glad that you are going to see her.

I agree that you need to be honest about why her father isn't there if she asks. She is probably already painfully aware that she doesn't come high on her father's list of priorities.

She needs to know now that she can manage without him and that others, like you, will be there for her. Be honest with her about that.

It is better for her to realise that she is strong enough and has enough other support that what he chooses to do will be of little consequence. Once children realise that they don't need parents who behave like this their belief in their own strength grows.

Tell her that if ever she needs someone she can shout and you will be there for her, that you care and will never stop caring.

Let her be upset if she needs to because, given her parents relationship, she may not want to let it out in front of her mum.

Please give her lots of hugs from all the MNers who are thinking of her and wishing she had the father she deserves.

I cannot believe Your brother is not already with his DD1, this is one of the most depressing and sad things I have read about on here.

Well done OP for being so supportive of your DN. I agree don't respond on face book, words fail me, that he could post for sympathy on FB, but not be begging/borrowing or stealing the fare to get to his DD.

You SIL2 is a poor excuse for a person/wife/Mother or Stepmum. I am horrified at her behaviour. Let's hope karma is a bitch to her.

Hope DN is recovering well.

maxmillie Wed 06-Feb-13 11:35:38

goosey how scary for you i hope they were both ok. I just wanted to agree with you, there is nothing on this earth that would stop megetting to one of my children if they were very ill, or even if they just needed me and it wasn't life threatening. I would crawl on my hands and knees if necessary in the Ops brother's case, and I know my DP would too, irrespective of the status of things between us. Money is such a pathetic excuse, we live in a country where anyone can get a few hundred pounds from OD, pay day loans, loan sharks whatever - not to mention his mother was willing to buy him a ticket. What kind of grown man is so pathetic.

I think you should concentrate on your DN now, this will be very hard for her and i think you and your mother need to show her that he and his poisonous wife are the ones that are wrong and damaged, not that there is anything wrong with her.

GooseyLoosey Wed 06-Feb-13 11:48:31

Thanks for asking maxmillie, they are both absolutely fine. Would never have forgiven myself though if I had not got to ds and he had needed me and if anyone had stood between me and ds they would have needed a bullet proof vest.

I think the only person who should put anything on facebook in response to her dad is your niece. And she should just ask him not to post anything about her when he can not be bothered to visit her while in hospital.

Hope you Niece is improving all the time.

Thumbwitch Wed 06-Feb-13 12:31:29

I am so pleased to read your updates that your DN has stabilised and is improving, albeit slowly.

I cannot BELIEVE that your brother did that, what an utterly spineless arsewipe. As for your SIL, no words are able to express exactly the rage and hatred I feel for her and I don't even know her.

Stay away from FB. In fact, defriend him. Or hide him if you don't want to cause a row, but seriously - stay away from his page or the temptation to point out that he is such a "good father" that he refused to see his older daughter in hospital might prove too much for you.

I kind of feel sorry for your DN2 because it sounds as though her mother has denied her the chance to have a relationship with her older half-sister. And your brother has allowed that to happen, what a wanker! Am disgusted with the pair of them, people like this make me sick, sorry. sad

NicknameTaken Wed 06-Feb-13 13:13:05

I hitch-hiked across 2 counties to get to the specialist unit where my son was. Strangers went out of their way to drive me there. It never, ever, ever occured to me that money or practicalities would stop me getting to my son. I would have crawled there if necessary

Wow, Goosey, that story gave me goosebumps. So glad that they both recovered fully.

eminemmerdale Wed 06-Feb-13 13:29:06

horrible horrible horrible. I had a very vry difficult relationship with dd1's father but he never ever stopped seeing her. There were a few times wehn she had to go to hospital, you know, little childhood things, and he was there every single time. No-one could have stopped him (even though I didn't really want him near me grin ) I never had a father and know how precious that bond must be.

Inertia Wed 06-Feb-13 13:46:39

Glad to hear that your niece is out of danger- the whole experience sounds terrifying. Your SIL is a spiteful evil witch from Brothers Grimm stories (don't ever eat any apples from her BTW). However , your brother is no better. To refuse to visit his daughter in a life-threatening condition because it's inconvenient is beyond shitty- to then try to elicit sympathy for himself on FB is just awful.

I think LtEve is right- a message on his FB saying that you're so relieved he has finally seen sense about the seriousness of his daughter's condition , you were amazed that he didn't plan to visit but now he understands the urgency of the situation you'd be happy to fit your travel plans around his visit.

Gave me goosebumps too nickname . That must have been a truly awful time goosey glad they are ok now.

Keep us updated on her progress op

FamilyTroubles Wed 06-Feb-13 21:54:27

Just to update that DN was much brighter today and was able to have a bit of a laugh and a joke but she's feeling really tired and she kept drifting in and out of sleep. The consultant was round whilst we were there and is very positive that once they have everything under control DN should lead a pretty normal life providing she continues to manage her condition. We have all been handed lot's of info and a nurse came to talk to us about how to deal with the condition, danger signs etc.

The best news is that my DB did end up coming, which is just as well seeing as we were given lot's of vital information today. My DH dropped myself and my parents at the airport. I had just gone through security when DH rang me to say he saw my DB's car pulling into the carpark. As we were boarding at the gate I saw DB and SIL ahead.

She was very clingy and never left his side for a moment (must have been dying for the loo grin) and barely spoke but at least they came. DN was overjoyed to see her dad. Still annoyed and will never be the same with them though.

Whoknowswhocares Wed 06-Feb-13 22:00:09

So SIL came too? Despite 'not being able to afford'? Sad,desperate mare!!!!!! Or did she take advantage of DM financially to top off her behaviour

So glad to hear DN is on the mend and that DB managed to locate at least one or two vertebrae, if not a whole spine

Goldmandra Wed 06-Feb-13 22:00:31

Good news about your DN and that her father decided she was worth the effort.

It's interesting that your SIL was happy to find the time and money to accompany him. She must be incredibly insecure!

dinkystinky Wed 06-Feb-13 22:00:32

Glad your DN is doing OK and your brother and sil did the right thing in the end.

zoobaby Wed 06-Feb-13 22:04:59

Brill news.

ajandjjmum Wed 06-Feb-13 22:15:16

Hope your DN continues to improve and that your DB begins to understand the meaning of being a 'proper' dad.

Thumbwitch Wed 06-Feb-13 22:59:29

Glad your brother manned up but can't believe the SIL went too - probably just to make sure it wasn't fake, hey? Hope seeing her didn't set your DN1 back any! wink

Glad she's continuing to improve and that everyone knows how to deal with her condition who has any responsibility for her.

Uppermid Wed 06-Feb-13 23:27:47

Glad they finally saw the light. Is she a mumsnetter?!

More importantly, glad your dn is going to be ok

Eurostar Wed 06-Feb-13 23:58:39

Good to hear that your DN has a good prognosis and that DB got there in the end.

You say that your DB's character has changed - men can fall victim to emotional abuse. I would consider this as a possibility. I can of course understand that the whole family are so angry that they want to cut him off but do remember that this is exactly what an abuser seeks to do, reduce someone's support network so that they feel it even more impossible to leave. Your DB may have been conditioned to believe that no one will have him, he will be financially ruined by another split, that current wife will ensure he never sees DD2 again. I am not saying that this is an excuse for abandoning a child in need, he could be at breaking point though and utterly confused by constant undermining from his wife.

If it was my DB I'd try to speak to him when out of earshot of his wife and say that I fear he is in an abusive relationship, give him a support number such as this one, saying he has nothing to lose just having a chat with them,, I would say that I cannot condone their behaviour and thus will not be seeing them socially but I will always be there for him if he takes the decision to seek help and change. Whether or not to be there for DN2 is a hard decision, she too must suffer in her own way, bullies are not normally happy, well-adjusted children.

SirIronBottom Thu 07-Feb-13 00:26:29

I do not agree with the torrents of abuse being directed at the DB. By all accounts he is a good man who looks after his DC. He has no money - this is a legitimate reason for not being able to go and visit.

The fault is in fact entirely with his wife, who sounds like an evil harridan. The only reason he has refused to go is because of her, so he must be scared of the way she might react if he goes. That can only mean that she is abusive towards him.

Don't tell him to grow a pair. You wouldn't tell a woman in the same abusive situation to grow a pair.

BigAudioDynamite Thu 07-Feb-13 00:35:23

I don't think there is likely to be a level of abuse that could keep 99.999999% of parents from a critically ill dc....

I would need to be either imprisoned or bed ridden. It was his choice

SirIronBottom Thu 07-Feb-13 00:42:02

That's rather trivialising domestic abuse and the effect it has on people.

BigAudioDynamite Thu 07-Feb-13 00:50:03

I disagree

I spent many years in an an abusive relationship. I know lots of people who have also. There are many on MN. I don't think it explains him not visiting his dd. And the same applies if he was a woman

Goldmandra Thu 07-Feb-13 08:08:21

I think Eurostar makes a very good point. The SIL does sound incredibly controlling.

If he is not in an abusive relationship it wouldn't do him any harm to realise that this is the only reasonable explanation for his recent behaviour. It may wake him up to himself.

trixymalixy Thu 07-Feb-13 08:29:35

sirironbottom the MIL offered to pay his air fair. He has absolutely no excuse.

Glad DN is on the mend and your DB saw some sense.

diddl Thu 07-Feb-13 08:47:48

So if SIL went as well, where was their daughter in all of this?

imogengladhart Thu 07-Feb-13 09:05:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GilmoursPillow Thu 07-Feb-13 09:09:26

I'm glad too, it must have made such a difference to your niece, and I'm glad she's doing well too.

It sounds as if your SiL is terrified of her DH and his ex-wife meeting without her in attendance. Twat

Whitewineformeplease Fri 08-Feb-13 04:14:55

Great post Eurostar, definitely food for thought. I was just thinking that they were both a pair of twats but you could be right.

Roseformeplease Sun 10-Feb-13 23:45:21

Hope all OK, OP.

Whitewineformeplease - are you my long lost sister?

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