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My MIL and her wanting a certain amount of days with my child...

(147 Posts)
JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 13:43:31

Hi,

Firstly a bit about our relationship; she's a lovely woman, we don't have much in common but we are family and I love her (she gets on my nerves occasionally as do all other members of my family) So no bad blood between us etc...

Ok, my DD is 3, so not a baby, she loves her Grandmother and likes spending time with her. I work 2 days per week and DD is in Nursery.

MIL usually rings me (on the day) and asks can she take DD for the day, usually if we have no plans she takes her, if we do have plans I say no but you can have her another day. She rang me on Sunday said "I feel like I never see her, so I'll take her on Tuesday for lunch, then also Friday and Saturday" This pissed me off, she does this quite a lot, one day isn't enough for her, but bare in mind my mum works full time so I have to factor visits in to my Mum with DD and also my Dad (they are separated) plus I want my own precious time with DD when I'm not working.

Spoke to fiancé about it, he of course immediately defends her and believes that because she doesn't really have friends, and because she doesn't work and is not in the best of health that she should be entitled to take DD whenever she asks. hmm He said I'm jealous because my mum works and he is correct about that, I don't want his mum to hog her, I want my mum to have equal time, I can't help feeling like that?

It caused murder between us, and this happens every couple of months when she tries to take DD a lot.

I feel once a week is enough, and basically that's what is happening. My maternal feelings go crazy when she wants her more than one day, it doesn't feel right and I don't want her too.

AIBU in putting my foot down and saying "No" next time she asks for her more than once a week. She gets bored and I think she wants DD to be her hobby, but it doesn't sit right with me. Fiancé has now listened to my reasoning and has calmed down and is happy to go along with what I decide.

noblegiraffe Tue 05-Feb-13 13:47:13

Presumably you work part time so that you can spend time with your DD. I agree that 3 days is an unreasonable amount of time to decide to simply take her off your hands if you don't want her to. Phoning up on the day is unreasonable too, I would be constantly on edge.

I think you need some sort of more formal arrangement, say 1 day a week on a Friday (or whatever) and then you can all plan your lives a bit more effectively.

EuroShagmore Tue 05-Feb-13 13:48:15

Not another thread with the "equal time" theme!

If you are not happy with your MIL having her because you want time with her or you have other plans, that is fine, but to refused because your mum can't get the same amount of time because she works is unreasonable.

drjohnsonscat Tue 05-Feb-13 13:48:20

Tricky and it's a shame that the fact that lots of people really love your DD is causing a problem. I agree that MIL shouldn't get time if that impinges on time you or your mum want to spend with DD. But I'm not sure if that's always what's happening (just not sure from your post).

Do you also want to ration her a bit, even if you and your mum are not free, in order to avoid MIL getting "more than her fair share". If that is the case then you probably should let go of that and be happy that DD is loved and you have a loving MIL.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 05-Feb-13 13:48:56

YAB a little bit U.

Why don't you suggest that your MIL has your dd on the days you work, thus saving you nursery school fees?

That way, everyone wins. And if your dd enjoys the social interaction she gets at nursery you can always put her in for another day and have some time to yourself.

Squeakygate Tue 05-Feb-13 13:49:45

can you not arrange one day per week and stick to it? say every Friday or every other Friday?
That way everyone will know where they are.
Will dd go to school this year?

AmberSocks Tue 05-Feb-13 13:50:02

god i am so glad we live away from both families.

BigSilky Tue 05-Feb-13 13:50:16

Well, first of all it's great that she wants to be involved. If I were you, I would organise it for her- say, MIL, can you have her every Tuesday? And then everyone is happy.

issimma Tue 05-Feb-13 13:50:41

Choose one day and that's mil's day. If it's a regular habit, she may look forward to this day and not pester for others! And don't answer your phone if she rings on other days grin.

Say "Oh I know, I feel like I never see her too, and she is my daughter! Would you like her on Tuesday or Friday?"

And if she doesn't work, there's no need for her to have dd at the weekends when you want to spend time as a family or visit other people who are only free at the weekends.

elizaregina Tue 05-Feb-13 13:54:12

YADNBU

its a horrid feeling when someone is grasping at your child like that and not creating an atmoshere where you can discuss it with your feelings too - but instead making you feel defensive.

No no no don't arrange a regular day! Don't do it. That way madness lies. Or at least, major tantrums when you want to do something else with that day one particular week.

But def phone your MIL and say "get your calendar out, lets arrange which days you're having dd" and book a months' worth of days in. And then when she phones up on a morning, say "no, we've got plans for today" like a stuck record.

diddl Germany Tue 05-Feb-13 13:56:37

Me too Amber

I understand that she wants to see her GD as much as possible-but surely both her parents do also!

Why does she have to have her alone if that isn´t what OP wants?

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 13:58:49

Thanks for the reply guys.

DD doesn't't start school until sept 2014.

I can't help how I feel about my mum having equal time. I know it may sound unreasonable, but I can't change how I feel and that's how it is.

As for MIL having her on days I work, it wouldn't work, she holidays a lot and is also under the hospital, Fiancé wouldn't allow it and only wants her to have our DD if she's feeling well & up to it (which totally contradicts this thread, she seems to want her multiple times every week)

Sticking to a set day is a good idea, but I don't like the thought of my friends asking to meet up for a play date on that day and me saying "no, sorry, it's MIL's day to have her" same applies to if my mum's day off falls on MIL's "set day"

holidaysarenice Tue 05-Feb-13 13:59:57

It sounds as though she wants to feel needed, I wud use her in a more pro-active way, a day less nursery or a nursery pick up/drop off. Something that makes her feel useful and helps you.

Or just say yes to x and no to y, or invite her to do something with you and dd. Or offer to drop her off whilst you do a mundane thing like the supermarket.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:00:39

eliza you've hit the nail on the head!

Bertha I agree with you on that.

BigSilky Tue 05-Feb-13 14:02:39

I feel a bit sorry for her. Either you make plans with her in advance or you put up with her phoning on the morning. You should be glad she wants to be involved.

LemonBreeland Tue 05-Feb-13 14:02:54

I like Berthas line about you feeling like you don't see her either.

Also do not go down the route of a particular day or it will be written in stone forever.

You need to take your Mum out of the equation. She doesn't have as much spare time, that is just the way it is. You need to think about how much time you are happy having your DD away from you and allowing MIL that amount of time. Also it is not your fault that she doesn't have any friends and is bored and lonely.

pippop1 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:03:11

Does it have to be a whole day? Could she have her in the morning only? Perhaps when you have something on in the afternoon that you have to get back to?

Yfronts Tue 05-Feb-13 14:05:25

Have a regular day for them and stick to it. That way you all know where you are. One day a week is reasonable, three days is a daft amount.

Yfronts Tue 05-Feb-13 14:06:09

and in reply to your MIL say 'yes I feel like I never see my own DD too!'

BarbarianMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:07:32

<<I can't help how I feel about my mum having equal time. I know it may sound unreasonable, but I can't change how I feel and that's how it is. >>

You can't change how you feel but, if you recognise it's unreasonable, you can decide not to let it affect how you act.

However, there is no suggestion that you are being unfair. Would you prefer a more pre-arranged schedule of when she can have dd? Or just not more than once a week (which sounds v reasonable)?

Juanca Tue 05-Feb-13 14:08:38

YANBU. I agree with the poster who said that you should sit down with a calendar and work out the next month or so's worth of days, and stick to it rigidly.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:09:36

See, I feel a bit sorry for her too, but surely one day is enough?! We go for dinner to hers or vice versa a couple of times per month so she sees her more than once in a week sometimes.

She's my child, MIL is not my mother, so maybe that's why my maternal instincts go off when it's more than once a week? Then again, my aunt whom I'm very close to (she's like another mum to me) asks for my DD a lot and my instincts go off when she does it too much.

I know they love her, and I'm very grateful, but they are bored with nothing else to do, that's not my problem and I don't want my DD being someone's hobby. Once a week is enough or I find myself getting very defensive.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:11:02

Tbh I don't think my MIL would like the calendar approach, she's so laid back and I've tried in the past to put something a bit more rigid in place & she doesn't really like it. I think she just wants her when she feels like it.

deleted203 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:12:59

I don't think YABU. I'd be highly peeved at anyone (including my own DM) phoning and announcing they would have my child on Tue, Fri and Sat. Presumably you and DF are off work at the weekend and would like to do something as a family! No one is entitled to take DD whenever the feel like it, so I think DF is being unreasonable here.

I think I'd simply say, 'It would be lovely for DD to spend the day with you on Fri, but I'm afraid I have plans for Saturday. Her father and I like to see her too, you know'.

Juanca Tue 05-Feb-13 14:14:56

Well that's her problem! You presumably have some kind of schedule - work/nursery/friends; just because she's not working and is laid back it doesn't mean that works for you.

Juanca Tue 05-Feb-13 14:15:21

Sorry that was to JingleMum

diddl Germany Tue 05-Feb-13 14:16:06

Could you perhaps sometimes include MIL in what you are doing with your daughter?

Maybe she could come to you for lunch?

So more lots of less time?

Or is she only wanting your daughter for as long as possible & by herself?

I´m afraid my children & I were for the most part a unit.

No me-no children!

annh Tue 05-Feb-13 14:18:32

OP, I think your MIL probably is a bit demanding but you yourself have said "can't help how I feel about my mum having equal time. I know it may sound unreasonable, but I can't change how I feel and that's how it is". Maybe your MIL, who is much older and probably much more set in her ways, also can't help how she feels about wanting to see her grand-daughter?

Having said that, your dd is not a parcel to be divided out in equal portions amongst your families! If she is making arrangements which you are not happy with you have to be firm and say "Sorry Friday and Saturday doesn't work for us but how about Tues?" And keep on saying no until she gets the message.

BarbarianMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:19:31

The thing is once a week is actually an awful lot. If you were saying she could only see dd twice a year cause your mum lived abroad and only saw her that often, now that would be unreasonable.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:19:33

I think she likes to have her by herself, but would have objection to me tagging along (I think!)

She comes to us for dinner sometimes and vice versa, but she really does like to take DD out for the day to visit her side of the family etc... Since we moved to a bigger house she is here fairly often as well...

I guess I'll just have to say "no, you've already had her once this week" but then I don't want to be rude.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:21:47

Is the "I feel like I never see her" that irked me. She does!! She saw her twice last week (came to us for dinner but came about 3pm, left about 8pm, plus took Dd out for the day another day) is she taking the piss? How can she say that? It's got my back up.

DontmindifIdo Tue 05-Feb-13 14:22:29

you need to start having a lot of plans. A lot of plans.

Can you sign up to some groups and pre-plan things with your mum and dad?

Only interestly, don't ever have plans on one day of the week (perhaps Fridays as suggested?) then when your MIL calls, sorry, you have plans already, but are free on Friday. Keep at it. Then after a month, perhaps suggest that as you are reguarly booked up (lots of play dates, classes, activities, other family who work to fit round), you'll 'kindly' keep Friday mornings free of plans so it can be "her" time with DD if she's feeling up to it.

She might not like scheduling, but that doesn't mean you have to also not do scheduling. If your DH complains, ask him why he thinks you should cancel your plans so she can have DD or turn down invites on the off chance MIL will want DD that day? Why should DD miss out on the off chance MIL is free? You'll keep making plans and of course if you are free when MIL wants DD, you'll let MIL have DD for the day/morning (if you have afternoon plans)...

Troubleintmill Tue 05-Feb-13 14:22:57

You're very lucky that MIL wants to spend time with her GD.
My DM never asks to take my DS out at all and she only lives 20mins away. We see her once a week maybe for a couple of hours and that seems enough for her!
I can see why you don't want mil to have DD 3 days a week but surely you can come to some arrangement that suits you all? I think the helping out with pickups etc sounds a good plan -that could be arranged on the day? That way she gets to spend some time with DD and you have a bit of extra time maybe to get stuff done? Or like pp suggested maybe DD go to her/other relative when you want to go shopping or something.
I would love my DS to spend more time with his GM and so would he but it looks like its not going to happen for us. Hope you work things out OP. try to keep things amicable though as you never know when you may need MIL's help.

CheeseStrawWars Tue 05-Feb-13 14:24:59

What does "my instincts go off" actually mean?

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:30:12

I don't know cheese it sounds ridiculous!! It's like my maternal instincts send me into overprotective mode? It just doesn't feel right as mum, like someone is trying to take my child from me?

The thing with pick ups is that she's still want other days with her, no doubt about it.

I'm going to ask her to babysit once a month or something, if she feels needed that may help. Thing is she is needed, we love her, I just don't love the fact she calls multiple times per week wanting to take my daughter.

Viviennemary Tue 05-Feb-13 14:30:42

I think once a week would be enough time. But it is hard to say no I suppose. If you don't really have a reason. A regular day would be the best idea and then everybody would know where they stood. But of course it could be very flexible. But one day a week most weeks.

atthewelles Tue 05-Feb-13 14:31:54

I think you're both BU in different ways. Your MIL should take it one day at a time not start listing out a load of days that she assumes she can have your daughter.
But you also seem to have an issue with people who love your daughter (your MIL and yourAunt) wanting to spend time with her. You keep saying she's just their 'hobby'. I doubt that's true. My mum loves spending time with her DGC. Not because she needs a hobby but because she's their grandmother and she adores them.

Haberdashery Tue 05-Feb-13 14:33:58

Three days a week is ridiculous. I think there isn't a nice way to do this, you just have to say 'sorry but I need time with my daughter too and I feel you having her once a week is enough at the moment'. Then just stick to it. If you feel kind, then you can invite her over once or twice a month for lunch at the weekend or similar. But then you will also be there and it won't feel so much that she's trying to take your daughter away.

AmberSocks Tue 05-Feb-13 14:35:05

this is all alien to me.

in my family,you have your kids all the time,you might go round and see grandma but whole days over there?is this normal?Obviously if they look after them while you work its different,i cant get my head round kids being shared around families though,i wouldnt want to do it.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 14:35:46

I'd want things arranged I advance, be it a regular day or week by week, getting your diaries out and agreeing.

I can see needing to prioririse fitting your DM in when it suits her but not rationing everyone else's time according to her availability (which is outside her control now but what if she stops work and wants two days a week? Is dd then out with GMs for four days every week?). Unless of course the amount of time you really want to spend with dd equals full week minus DM's time x2.

Remember the GMs won't be around forever though and wanting time with your dd as a hobby is much better than not wanting it.

CheeseStrawWars Tue 05-Feb-13 14:36:03

So do you think you need to "protect" your child from your MIL and Aunt, or is this a possessive thing? Are you worried for her safety, or are you worried that if your DD gets attached to other people she will love you less? You might be a bit U, though I do think your MIL is being unreasonable to ring on the day and expect everything to be dropped.

juneau Tue 05-Feb-13 14:36:07

I wouldn't say 'No, you've already had her once this week', I'd just say 'Sorry, we're busy that day' and if she presses and you can say you've arranged a play date or are taking her swimming or something. Being defensive and territorial isn't going to help anyone, but there is more than one way of getting your own way!

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:36:18

atthewelles no, I assure you it isn't that. They both assume & almost try to dictate. I'm in charge, not them, and it is getting increasingly difficult to please everyone.

My mum idolises my DD and says "if you need a hand or want me to take her let me know and I'll sort my days off in work" she never assumes or pressures me. My mum also sees her atleast once per week, but I'm usually present. She has her overnight occasionally too, but she offers to have her to give me a break, or I ask her if I want a night out. She never pressures me.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:43:22

cheese no, not at all. I love spending time with DD and my aunt & MIL are bored, therefore they like time with DD, but seeing them both once a week is enough. Aunt is fine with that, MIL pushes for more. I don't like it, I have plans, we have play dates, DD goes to ballet/playgroup etc... So we are generally quite busy, yet MIL still rings on the day and seems put out if we have plans.

drjohnsonscat Tue 05-Feb-13 14:45:34

It's like my maternal instincts send me into overprotective mode? It just doesn't feel right as mum, like someone is trying to take my child from me?

I think this is at the heart of it. You feel that MIL is getting something she shouldn't and will try to be the mother when you are. But nothing you have said gives any evidence of this as a motivation on MIL's part so I'm assuming MIL just really enjoys spending time with DD (unless I am reading this wrong).

I think YA being a little bit U when you say "I can't help how I feel". No you can't but there's no need to act on feelings that you confess are a little bit unfounded. I can see why your fiance gets a bit annoyed - if his mum is free and wants to see DD, why not as long as no one else is being inconvenienced? If the only reason is because you think DD will end up loving MIL too much, or even just more than your mum, then you are being unreasonable - or perhaps just insecure. Your DD will never belong to MIL - she's your child and always will be. You sound fearful that DD will end up loving MIL too much or that that side of the family will get too much control or something. I wonder if that's right?

Fairylea Tue 05-Feb-13 14:45:57

If she rings on the day and you don't want her to have dd I just wouldn't answer the phone. I've got really quite selfish as I've got older and if I don't want to talk to someone at that particular time then I won't. If she asks later just say you were busy / driving / out etc.

I think once a week is fine especially as you are busy with work etc and other relatives.

fluffyraggies England Tue 05-Feb-13 14:46:03

There's a difference between 'seeing' the child once a week and expecting to have her for the day once a week.

Like others have said a pop in to hers (or viceversa) for lunch for a couple of hours one week, with a whole morning with the child perhaps the week after sort of arrangement would seem enough to me. With a babysitting thrown in once a month.

Sometimes there isn't enough days in the week for everyone to have a rigid 'whole day a week' arrangement.

I would be selective about phone answering and would perfect the art of being on the brink of going out with your DD for times when she catches you with a request for an unplanned visit.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 14:46:14

The lack of planning would drive me demented. How can you make best use of your time without your dd if you don't know when it's going to be?

My MIL takes baby dd one day a week, because she wants to spend time with her. This is a regular day that can sometimes be altered. So, I can book appointments for myself, plan to meet someone in a child-unfriendly place, know I can get certain tasks done. It is really helpful for me, as well as giving them time together.

BigSilky Tue 05-Feb-13 14:47:04

You sound as if you actually really dislike your MIL. Don't pick up the phone if it annoys you so much.

TryDrawing Tue 05-Feb-13 14:50:05

I think you feel defensive because you're worried about being the bad guy, "preventing" your MIL from seeing your dd. The very fact that you are thoughtful enough to see it that way means you are not the bad guy, you are a nice mum, thinking of your daughter's welfare. But you're also human, and you want to spend time with your dd yourself.

Don't feel guilty. Just say no when you would rather have dd yourself and be nice about it. "Sorry, we're spending the day together today. She could come to yours one day next week, maybe Saturday."

You don't need to be defensive, you are the parent and if you want to spend time with your child then you get priority, simple as.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:52:08

drjohnson yes, his side of the family getting too much control sounds right. One day is enough for a great relationship between them IMO. I'm also very grateful for that one day per week. But I don't like it being any more than that, I like to make plans with DD, she's growing up so fast. I'm her mum, and if I don't feel comfortable passing her to MIL more than once per week then surely that's ok? I'm a bit of a control freak, I'm known for it. MIL dictating days means I'm not in control & I don"t like it. Obviously when my DD grows up, I'll no longer be in control & will step back. But for now...

VeganCow Tue 05-Feb-13 14:52:20

wow theres a load of mil threads at moment. thank god my exmil is very reasonable.

I would never accept someone TELLING me they were having my child on such a day.
I would do as suggested and offer for her to babysit certain days, then she cant say she never sees her if she has regular days a month, maybe one day for tea etc.

Kamer Tue 05-Feb-13 14:55:38

I would just keep on as you are and make plans to suit yourself and your DD. If your MIL can't or won't commit to making arrangements in advance she can't be surprised if you have your own plans already. Of course if you are free and its convenient for MIL to have DD, fine. MIL demanding your DD 2 or 3 days a week on a whim are ridiculous, how is that going to work when she is in school and has friends, parties and other activities that she is going to want to do more than being traipsed around visiting with grandparents.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:55:59

BigSilky I love her. But I don't like her taking my DD more than once per week. I certainly do not "dislike her"

TryDrawing I am so worried about being the bad guy, I don't want to hurt MIL but I'm a bit of a control freak and like to be in control of my days with my daughter. That's why I think one day per week is right for all of us. Thank you for your post, it made sense to me.

shutthebloodydoor Tue 05-Feb-13 14:58:14

YANBU she is your child at the end of the day! If it dosnt feel right sod the rest! I think u are doing great letting her have her 1 day a week -more would be like bloody shared custody!
Im waiting for mine to start when ours gets here, its gonna be a bumpy ride!

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 15:00:03

shutthebloodydoor good luck!!

fluffyraggies England Tue 05-Feb-13 15:01:42

I was thinking that kamer. In another year the DD will start having a social life of her own that rivals her parents or grandparents, if my DDs are anything to go by!

School, playdates, parties, clubs etc. Factor in a weekly visit to both sets of GPs plus a trip out with the OP shopping and that's a week gone! grin

TryDrawing Tue 05-Feb-13 15:03:08

(I am a bit of a control freak too smile ) But my MIL, who would doubtless be like yours, lives too far away for it to be a problem.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 15:03:45

fluffy I'll probably have another one by then and we'll be starting from scratch with all of this wink

shutthebloodydoor Tue 05-Feb-13 15:05:27

jingle im getting my sleaves pulled up ready lol x

DontmindifIdo Tue 05-Feb-13 15:11:33

honestly OP, why should you not schedule things on the off chance MIL will want your DD. If she wants to call up on the day you can say "sorry, already have plans" - if you are not making plans on the off chance your MIL will want your DD then getting annoyed that you can't make plans that's your choice.

There's no reason to have a big show down with your DH, just make plans on your non-work days, make plans with your mum/dad in advance, make plans with your DH too. Then your MIL can ask all she wants, but you already have made plans in absence of hers.

TryDrawing Tue 05-Feb-13 15:20:53

Er, no. It is not reasonable for you to have to schedule every moment of your time with your dd, just so that you can justify turning your MIL down if it doesn't suit you for dd to go to her. That way madness lies. You'd find yourself inventing things to put on the calendar. confused

Just be honest in a pleasant way. I say again: "Sorry, we're spending the day together today. She could come to yours one day next week, maybe Saturday."

No justification is required beyond the fact that it doesn't suit you. If your MIL wants to make plans in advance, then you can agree them with her if you want to . If planning in advance doesn't suit her , then she will have to deal with the fact that spur of the moment plans may not suit you .

You are already being more than reasonable, don't doubt yourself.

fluffyraggies England Tue 05-Feb-13 15:24:23

Ah, jingle, when DD no.s 2 and 3 arrived on the scene the dynamic changed dramatically here.

Suddenly neither my mum nor my ILs wanted so much time with the GCs because it's not so much 'fun' having *3 under 5's to entertain wink

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 15:26:27

Thank you guys, some great advice. X

angeltattoo Tue 05-Feb-13 15:29:14

YA most definitely NBU.

I also think one day per week is too much, especially as you work and this day would be in addition.

Once a week for lunch/popping in, fine. For a whole day, once a fortnight would be more than enough.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 15:34:05

Thanks angel I don't mind once per week, but strongly disagree with any more than that. Sometimes I feel like "back off or you won't even get one day per week" feel awful thinking like that.

BabaYaya Tue 05-Feb-13 15:35:20

Yanbu.

I don't understand this business of adults wanting private time with young children. Maybe mil should buy one of those real dolls or whatever they are called.

Fundamentally, why would mil think that if you work 3 days a week, it's in your daughter's best interests to spend 1/2/3 of the 4 remaining days away from her mother? Unless she thinks she can do it better than you.

I'd limit contact to seeing mil on a visit e.g. "we are doing x, would you like to come" or short visits alone e.g. "would you like to take gc to the park and I'll meet you afterwards, in an hour or two". If mil is not 100% healthy and can't commit in advance, I'd be wary of any private time.

Pandemoniaa Tue 05-Feb-13 16:19:09

YABU about the equal time nonsense. Your MIL, like it or not has the same status as your mother so far as being your dd's grandmother is concerned.

YANBU in wanting to spend time with your dd when you aren't at work and 3 days a week seems an excessive demand. However, I don't think it is up to you to determine that "one day a week is enough". Instead, you should determine what is practical for your family. You do sound very resentful though and suggesting your dd is your MIL's "hobby" is unkind.

aderynlas Mexico Tue 05-Feb-13 18:19:07

Take my dgc for trips out whenever their mums and dads need me to. Also if I am doing something in the week that they might enjoy a quick phonecall is all that is needed to see if its ok for them to come with me. We enjoy eachothers compay and they love hearing about when their mums or dads were little etc.
I have lovely memories of my gran and times spent with her when I was a child. Im sure you can work this out so everyone is happy op.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 18:28:15

Again, thanks for all replies.

Pandemoniaa I'm aware she has equal status as my Mother, never said she didn't. And I beg to differ, I think it's absolutely up to me to determine if one day per week is enough. I gave birth to her, I'm the main carer, certainly nobody else is going to decide when my daughter spends time with other people, besides her father, and even then that is within reason. Resentful? Of the fact MIL has more free time than my mum? Maybe a little in relation to DD. But bare in mind my Mum still sees DD every week and they are very close, so not much to be resentful about.

diddl Germany Tue 05-Feb-13 18:32:02

But aderynlas-surely what you are doing also fits in with the parents?

With my Mum it was a case of a quick call & yes/no-it was or wasn´t convenient.

With MIL, a no seemed to be a personal insult.

In fact when my husband first moved here, I was in UK with the children for 3months, about 10 mins away from them.

She phoned once to see us, it wasn´t convenient, & she never asked again!!!hmm

CrapBag Tue 05-Feb-13 18:37:35

YANBU.

She needs to get herself a hobby and something else to keep her occupied other than your DD.

Also she needs to know that she can't just have her when she wants her.

I am saying this as someone who wishes my MIL would actually want to have her DGC even a little bit. I wouldn't want it all the time though. Once a week for yours should be more than enough!

thebody Tue 05-Feb-13 18:44:37

No op I think 3 days I'd a ridiculous amount for her to take dd.

You want her too.

Why does she feel the need to see her alone? Visit in the afternoon and stay a few hours or say yes to a day a fortnight.

DON'T set a special day of the week in stone as your dds life will get busier as she grows and she needs to be flexible.

Sounds like your mil is just thinking of her needs and not yours or dds.

CheerfulYank Tue 05-Feb-13 18:54:42

YANBU. My MIL probably has/sees DS once a week, because she watches him or DH brings him over there when I'm working on the weekend or whatever. And last year FIL had him 3 afternoons a week when I was working. (He and DS would get burgers and watch John Wayne videos. Sigh. Well, free childcare eh? smile)

But neither of them would ever ASK, they wait to be asked. Well, they'll occasionally ask to take him to the zoo or something.

My own mother on the other hand...she lives 5 hours away and if she lived closer I know I'd have to have lots of talks about boundaries. Last summer we went to stay at our family's cabin near them and she and my dad took DS boating and made it clear that DH and I weren't invited. She always wants DS alone.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 19:06:34

Thanks guys, seems like you agree that 3 days (or even 2 full days) is excessive.

I would be the same with my own mum, I wouldn't let her have DD that often.

MamaBear17 Tue 05-Feb-13 19:19:55

Your MIL is being overbearing. I think one day a week is plenty for your MIL to have your dd on her own. I work 4 days a week, my mum and MIL have to make do with one visit from us all per week, and only have dd on their own once in a blue moon. Stick to your guns. Once a week is plenty.

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 05-Feb-13 20:15:52

I don't think there is anything unreasonable about the way you feel! Why are so many mils trying to claim their grand kids as their own?! They need to bloody back off!

elizaregina Tue 05-Feb-13 21:05:51

its way too excessive if you feel uncomfy with it.
Its such an awkard situation!!
Whats wrong with these people!

My MIL like this - I have since come to think after the abhorrent way she treated and still treats my Dh and me - that she was bloody lucky to see our DD after birth about three or four times a month - from 8am to 8pm - the occasional week and lots of over nights and once or twice a weekend.

THIS wasnt enough - DH said he always felt I was keeping DD from MIL.

Seeing as my own DM had little conact with another GC and respected the DM wishes - and was grateful for seeing her only GC about five times - MILS grasping came in sharp relief.

Its grasping and over bearing, and it shadows out the time you do with your DD because then you cant help feel sorry for them - but then you think - why am I feeling sorry for HER, if she had HER way - she would probably adopt DD and NEVER let ME get any time with her!!! I honeslty belive that. And I know my MIL effectively cut her own MIL out of the GC lives, and left her alone to pass her widow hood and old age and then go into a home without her support or help.

maybe you should point to her grandparents websites where they are moaning about never getting access etc so she can see she is very lukcy - ( not that she should have to be in an ideal world everyone would get on) but that in real life - lots of GP dont see GC.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 21:33:20

Thanks everyone, so glad to know that I'm not being totally unreasonable. Fiancé always takes her side, I know he loves her, but I'm not doing it to be cruel, I just feel uncomfortable with more than 1 day. My maternal instincts scream "back off!"

elizaregina Tue 05-Feb-13 22:00:50

I meant dh felt he felt that his DM thought this not that he thought it.

Jungle they are coming from the idea probably they secretly should be the childs main carer as they know best - so anything less than full care wont seem like alot - not matter how well meaning they are!

elizaregina Tue 05-Feb-13 22:01:16

jungle! Jingle. blush

ThePinkOcelot Tue 05-Feb-13 22:02:36

I don't get this at all. My dds have never been handed over to anyone for the day. They see my in-laws, but I'm there too. They see my mum, but I'm there too. I don't see any reason why anyone is entitled to "have" your child for the day.

mrsbunnylove Tue 05-Feb-13 22:04:17

hold on, hold on. who gave birth to this little girl?
your baby, your rules. and that applies when she's older, too.
tell your mil.
tell her. don't ask.
'sorry, i can't spare dd more than one day a fortnight and we'll need to plan ahead.' or 'this is my daughter. i don't want to hand her over. at all. so i'm not going to. come with us to xxx place on friday afternoon'.

Pickles101 Tue 05-Feb-13 22:07:41

Ok, so I wouldn't like the ringing-on-the-day thing, but I actually think your MIL is quite cute blush she obviously adores the socks off your DD.

I may be approaching this with a different perspective though, DD's grandma lives in Australia and she is yet to meet DD (or me).

If you don't want this then say so. Set it to one day a week (if that's what you want) and if she's not "the kind of person to use calendars" then she doesn't get DD for the day.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 22:08:00

Thanks girls. I had started to question myself & feel guilty. Once a week is enough, end of, I guess I have to be firm about that.

Tuesday is MIL day here. Now they are teens they still get collected after school with their cousin, have tea of their choice, argue about Gay Marriage issues ( tonight's issue of contention, PILS read the Fail daily) hmm

It has been a godsend over the many years. I get peace and DC get to appreciate me for my very different views.

RainbowsFriend Tue 05-Feb-13 22:18:34

YANBU - especially as she takes her off, and for an entire day!

My PIL look after my DD for one day a week, while I work, and I;m very grateful for this - but if they wanted to take her away for another day while I was not working I would not be happy as I want to spend time with her myself. I would feel the same if it was my DM. If they want to visit and tag along with our activities, then fine, but don;t take my precious time with my daughter away from me,.

ChasedByBees Tue 05-Feb-13 22:35:39

YANBU - 3 days a week is ridiculous! I wouldn't even have one day a week without me as a regular arrangement. Why does she have to see her alone? And yes, the way she asked would have massively got my back up too.

JingleMum Wed 06-Feb-13 11:03:19

Ladies, thanks so much, I started to think I was DIL from he'll after some of the comments saying IWBU on here!

ChasedByBees it was the way she almost told me? She does this every so often. Also she'll return DD after the day and very often say "I'll ring at the weekend and if you're not doing anything I'll take her" now, I know that's not a big deal, but it still irks me that she says it when she has just had DD for the day and the weekend is only a day or two away.

Clytaemnestra Wed 06-Feb-13 11:29:45

Your DD needs time to be not doing anything though. She needs to have days where you hang out together, do drawing, watch crap tv, go to the park and things like that. Those are important too, and if your MIL or anyone else swans in and takes her then she's really missing out on that normal time to relax.

I think you need to be a lot stronger about saying, "no MIL, not today, we're just having a chill out day."

gotthemoononastick Wed 06-Feb-13 11:32:26

This is alien to me too as my offspring are all over the world.Dear God,sympathy to the poor "pigs in the middle " husbands/partners who have to negotiate these prickly little issues.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 06-Feb-13 11:45:11

How does your DD feel about all this? From what I'm gathering, you work two days a week, your MIL has her at least one further day, your Mum has her one day, her Aunt wants her at least one day...the poor kid's shuttled from pillar to post! I know she loves them all and they love her and it's lovely, but that sounds exhausting. Kids like routine and stability. Mine has a slightly complicated schedule; two days of nursery, two "mummy days", one "daddy day" which used to be half a Nana day and half a Daddy day...but they were the same days each week, the same activities always happened on Mummy days or Daddy days, etc. Especially at this age, knowing what's going to happen tomorrow is really important!

JingleMum Wed 06-Feb-13 12:04:05

With regards to the day my mum "has" her, it's not really like that, i go too, we go the park with DD or for lunch or shopping etc... My mum also has her overnight if i'm having the odd night out. Mum only really has that one day alone with her if i ask her, for example if i'm on a course with work or i'm at a hospital appt etc...

I agree we need chill out days to draw, play, watch a dvd etc.. But if i said no to MIL because we were staying in and having a chill day, my fisnce would moan and MIL would still try to insist "well you get your cleaning done instead and i'll take her, better than her being stuck in etc.."

I'm just going to have be firm. No means no, one day is enough.

It was the "i never see her" that really got my back up. I'm still angry about it.

shutthebloodydoor Wed 06-Feb-13 12:14:46

tortoise pot/kettle/black??

shutthebloodydoor Wed 06-Feb-13 12:18:41

jingle I think I'm just gonna start being twatty when mine is born a
And blame it on pnd lol
I've got a thing for hand washing before picking baby up as MIL smokes like a chimney and I know that will cause wars !

JingleMum Wed 06-Feb-13 19:37:56

shutthebloodydoor has MIL started asking you/making comments about how things will be after the baby?

shutthebloodydoor Wed 06-Feb-13 20:49:30

jingle
a jokey comment about her having baby while we are are work -paid of course.

wanting to be in the delivery room while im in labour? -didnt even ask!? just said ''make sure u call me as i was there at other DC!

She is mental though, this weekend she brought SIL kids round to my house (another thread! lol) as she was leaving them with me (unanounced) while she went to a party i should have been going to..

She kept saying to eldest 13 boy who couldnt even look or talk to her out of embarrasment ''nanna is only doing this as she loves you -- i would NEVER leave u alone'' then proceeded to phone him through out night asking if he 'forgave her' ?

I all ready think im going to have trouble with her over our baby as she truley thinks her other dc love her more than there own mother (its creepy) -even though she has been hidious to SIL in past. To the point SIL had to apologise to something she didnt do/say just to get through christmas!

I think your great even allowing one day to be honest, I think im going to be incredibly selfish. grin

Primafacie Wed 06-Feb-13 21:13:39

I know this will sound unsympathetic, but basically your MIL, mum and aunt are falling over themselves to have your DD and to help you.

I hope you are counting your lucky stars, there are so many uninterested/unavailable/inept/overseas/dead GPs out there.

I know it's bad form to shout "first world problem", but I really wouldn't let over abundance of love and help bother me smile

Primafacie Wed 06-Feb-13 21:19:05

*Count your lucky stars - as in count your blessings and thank your lucky star blush

DontmindifIdo Wed 06-Feb-13 21:26:34

Primafacie - I see what you are saying, but the OP neither wants nor needs free childcare, this isn't something that 'helps' her in the sense it improves her family life, by effectively reducing her time with her own daughter, they are making the quality of the OP's life worse, not better.

It's hard when someone is doing something you are supposed to feel grateful for that you don't want.

OP - I also work part time, I find a lot of people who either are currently or have been SAHMs find it hard to see that if you only have a smaller amount of family time with your DCs because you are at work the rest of the time, you don't want to give any of it up, effectively you've already had a 'break' from them while you've been at work.

MyDarlingClementine England Wed 06-Feb-13 21:31:45

"basically your MIL, mum and aunt are falling over themselves to have your DD and to help you."

Primafacie

Op has clearly said she treasures her time with her Daughter, I fail to see how hounding this mother to give up her child to her is helping in any way.

BTW I am a SHAM and I treasure every moment with my DD too, and in particular the weekends when we can all spend time as a family together.

JingleMum Wed 06-Feb-13 22:29:35

I understand what some posters mean, it may look like I have all this free childcare and am ungrateful but I assure you that's not the case. I'm very grateful, but my aunt & MIL usually want DD to satisfy their boredom, trust me. It's also very last minute, never planned. My mum offers occasionally if she thinks I need a break, or if I have a night out coming up I will ask her, if she's not working and has no plans, she says yes.

shutthebloodydoor oh god!! Good luck with it all when little one is born, sounds like you have a bumpy ride in front of you! grin

maninawomansworld Thu 07-Feb-13 11:32:47

Just ringing you up in the morning is no good because then you've got the day free and nothing to do. Why not use it to your advantage and insist upon it being regular / planned each week then you can organise some nice fun childfree adult centred activities with yor DH or friends.

zipzap Thu 07-Feb-13 11:52:29

How much time did your mil let her mil take her dc?

Do you think she let them take them lots and therefore feels she is owed time with your dc now as payback? Or did she freeze her mil out for any reason and is therefore determined that she isn't going to let you treat her the way she treated her mil?

Would be interesting to have a conversation with your dh about his relationships with his gp and if there was any difference - and if his mum treated her PIL differently from her own parents. And then have a similar conversation with mil and see how she thinks she treated her mil!

If she treated her mil badly and she's hacking you off you can always then ask her why she thinks you should treat her any differently than she treated her mil [evil grin]

weegiemum Argentina Thu 07-Feb-13 12:04:06

I think you really need to try to get your dh on side about this.

My story (and it's a loooooong time ago, dd1 was 13 yesterday) was that when we announced the pregnancy, and due date, mil immediately negotiated 2 weeks off work (unpaid, as she was a teacher and the due date is term time) one either side of the due date, and booked flights (she's in Ireland, us then in the far north of Scotland) to be there for all that time!

Dh "put his foot down" and basically told her to cancel the flights and not book anything until we asked her to. BIL tells us she took 3 days sick from work to "mourn" the fact she wouldn't be there when her dgc1 was born.

But she came when dd1 was 10 days old, stayed 5 days and we've never had a problem since. We let her be "first" 2 years later when ds was born, and dd2s early arrival was so chaotic that I'm still not sure who I saw when!

Dh being protective of our family unit laid the groundwork for our relationships. Now, I probably talk to mil more than he does, shes come to stay a couple of times when he's been very busy with work, I enjoy spending time with her. She's devoted to our dc, they have flown to Ireland on their own to visit her, and when after dd2 was born we had a real crisis with my pnd, she dropped everything and came for as long as we needed her.

I have no contact with my own mother, but a very similar one with my dad and DSM who live 90 mins away from us (we're no longer in the remote north!). Boundaries, negotiation and a united front with the ability to say a firm "no" have really stood us in great stead, and we have excellent relationships.

DontmindifIdo Thu 07-Feb-13 13:15:11

yes, even if she gave you say, 2 days notice, you could then get on to your hairdresser and book an appointment, reserve a table for lunch for you and DH etc, but just calling on the day isn't about 'helping you'.

Do'nt get suckered into thinking this is in anyway a 'favour' to you

JingleMum Thu 07-Feb-13 22:25:18

zipzap really interesting point... DH goes so defensive when I ask about his relationship with his paternal gran. He saw her once a week for a few hours, his dad would take him to visit her on a Saturday afternoon. But he was very close to his maternal gran, saw her most days. His older brother didn't see the maternal gran at all, seriously. He was practically raised by maternal gran. If I ever ask MIL how often both gran's saw her boys (I don't make it that obvious though!) she kind of gets out of answering me...

weegie that's good advice, thank you. So nice you have that good, straight, honest relationship.

Dontmindifido I totally agree with you. Calling on the day, on a regular basis, is selfish, it isn't a favour.

MagicHouse Thu 07-Feb-13 22:52:05

That would drive me crazy! I don't understand all this sharing the grandchildren either. I pretty nearly always go visiting with my children anyway. My dd probably stays alone with my (now ex) MIL about once a year! (though we visit together once or twice a month). My own mum lives a way away, so she visits every couple of months and stays with us. She's also had my children without me just a handful of times when I've needed her to.

I think you just have to be firm, and go at it like a broken record. "No, I'd like time with her this weekend, but you're welcome to come for lunch/ coffee if you want to see her". If she moans she doesn't see her, arrange to meet for an hour or two WITH you. Just keep saying it. Say you miss her too much if she's away from you when she doesn't need to be, and follow up with the invite for coffee when the moaning starts.

mercibucket Thu 07-Feb-13 23:03:27

another completely different life! hard to even imagine. ok, well at 3 i'd want routine and nursery so limited taking them out of nursery, but that would be preferable to taking them when i was off, which would be out of the question. ditto weekends. so, essentially, thats a big no to mil requests

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 07-Feb-13 23:06:36

Yanbu but Its simple this should do the trick

"No"

SomethingOnce Thu 07-Feb-13 23:22:22

Since this is AIBU, I'll be more frank than I'd usually be.

I don't think somebody in this situation would necessarily be being unreasonable, but there is something about the way you come across that makes me think this has more to do with your self-confessed control freak tendency than the situation itself.

Sorry, that's probably the wrong answer!

Makes me glad I'm unlikely to have a DIL (unless DD turns out to be a lesbian, but the odds are probably in my favour there), tbh.

JingleMum Fri 08-Feb-13 10:26:38

SomethingOnce so you would be happy for your MIL to very often ring you on the day and say "i'll come and take your child for the day" or for her to drop your child off after taking her out and say to you "i'll ring at the weekend and see about taking her again"

You're right, some of it is my control freak ways, but i think i'm only like that because of the way MIL is, how she approaches me regarding to DD.

She's on her way now to take her, she pre-arranged this on tuesday after she dropped her off. So it's been twice this week, but "she never sees her"

It won't be twice next week. Not after some of the advice i've had on here.

MortifiedAdams Fri 08-Feb-13 10:37:04

Can you pre-empt her?Ring her MOnday and say DD has a really busy week so does she want to wait til.the weekend or take her out.on THursday as she has nothing planned that day?

Once MIL has decided, if she calls any other day just say "Sorry, we are run off our feet this week hence me calling ahead about Thursday"

JingleMum Fri 08-Feb-13 10:42:01

Mortified good idea, i like that. I guess we are a clash of personalities, i'm very organised, like routine and like plans. MIL is very laid back & last minute.

Lemonylemon Fri 08-Feb-13 10:44:58

OP: Make some mark on your calendar on the days MIL does take DD. Just an asterisk or something, then when she starts, just point to the calendar and tell her that those were the days she took DD.

It would drive me absolutely bats to be continually phoned ad hoc without any prior arrangement. Your MIL needs to realise that people have their routines etc. That applies to anyone, whether or not their MIL. It's common courtesy in my view.

QOD Fri 08-Feb-13 10:47:36

What about saying she can pick dd up one of the days she is in childcare on an ad hoc basis? S she gets to pick up her up and have her while you're at work?
That's what I'd do

charlottehere Fri 08-Feb-13 10:49:36

YANBU. It would bother me too.

Ariel24 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:29:00

Jinglemum I've not really got any advice just wanted to add I don't think YABU, well maybe a tiny bit but I totally understand why! You can't help how you feel, I think it's totally normal tbh. And I would be incredibly pissed off if my MIL announced she was having my DD on the days she wanted. My DD is 4 months, whenever I've had offers of babysitting I've been firm saying no, as I don't have the need for it and don't want to be away from DD, she's ebf for one thing too. Oh how I will miss that when she's onto solids! I still plan on being firm. I don't understand the need for grandparents to have to see grandchildren alone, is it not nice for everyone to spend time together?

pollyblue Fri 08-Feb-13 13:01:56

If she was my MIL or Mum, I'd feel slightly under seige.

Her comment 'if your not doing anything (on a particular day) I'll take her' made me cringe a bit - why can't you just have a day happily pottering about at home with your dd? These early years soon fly past and now my oldest dd is at school it's her company at home i really miss, just spending time together doing nothing-in-particular. You shouldn't be having to fill your diary with activities just so you have a reason not to let your MIL take her.

I would've been very unhappy if either my MIL or Mum had wanted to 'take' my dds away from me several times a week when they were toddlers.

It doesn't matter how much she loves your DD, she is (imo) trying to monopolise her.

JingleMum Fri 08-Feb-13 13:54:34

Thanks guys.

QOD that wouldn't be enough for her, she physically wants to take DD on days out every week. She is bored, doesn't work, doesn't have friends to socialise with for coffees etc..

Ariel exactly, it's the way she announces it? It rubs me up the wrong way.

pollyblue you've hit the nail on the head. Neither she, nor DP see why i wouldn't let her take DD if we were just staying in. But those days i like to help her with numbers, bake cakes, watch dvds etc.. Little things i won't be able to do when she's at school. MIL would expect me to say (and i often do) "ok, you can take her as we are only staying in" i'm going to say no next time.

DontmindifIdo Fri 08-Feb-13 14:06:56

well if you like routines, set one up that works for you, leaving only one possible 'granny day' - have groups you can go to lined up, classes, book play dates etc. If on the day you decide to have a 'at home day' then fine, don't go to that actitivity, but you can then say when MIL calls up "oh, we go to Musical bumps on Thursday mornings now then we've arranged to meet a friend afterwards, so no, but we are free on Friday morning for you to see DD, but she has a play date in the afternoon." If you then don't go to the group/class/meet the friend, at least you're not answering the phone saying "no we're not doing anything."

Eventually we'll start to realise you usually have plans and she needs to fit in with you.

QOD Sat 09-Feb-13 09:02:30

what I meant was that she could go get get from the child care place. herself.
you drop Dd off at 8 or whatever as planned. she picks her up from lunch til you finish. you're paying for care and its there when MIL can't have her but you're keeping your time for you

MrsMushroom Sat 09-Feb-13 09:48:34

It's your child...of course you are right. I wouldn't let my MIL @take@ my DD three times all day in one week.

My SIL wanted to take my DDs out on a long journey....would have been driving for 4 hours....I said no. Reason was that they're a nightmare in the car and I don't believe SIL has the patience to deal and I won't put her or them in a situation where she's going to tell them off. Also she teaches them bad phrases and words...my child, my choice.

JingleMum Tue 26-Feb-13 15:43:09

Just bumping this rather than starting a new thread.

I'm not well, look like shit, aching all over, headache etc... Decided DD and I would have a DVD day (it's been about 6 months since we've done this) shock

MIL rings and says "I'll come up for the day" as FIL is here helping DP with insulating our loft. I didn't want her to come, I look & feel disgusting, and whenever she comes DD won't keep still, is so loud, wanting to play etc... I told MIL how I was feeling and said "I'd rather you left it today, but how about Thursday?" She agreed...

Low and behold she has turned up, making sandwiches, DD is now bouncing off every wall, my head is splitting with the noise. We were having a lovely cosy day before she turned up.

What the fuck? I love her, really do, but what's she doing? Any suggestions at to what I do here?

I would ask her nicely why she came anyway. Make her feel awkward. I know exactly what you mean about the kids going mad when gp around. It's not right.

Also I would start another thread then link to this one. As loads of people are going to just read your OP>

what happened anyway regarding the original post?

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Feb-13 15:59:42

Agree with Hairy - take her to one side, ask her why she came anyone once you had said no, say you don't understand why she bothered asking if she was just going to ignore what you said.

Say it's not a help, she's made today harder for you - that you don't want to fall out over this but she has upset you.

She has to see that her behaviour effects you - you are so worried about not hurting her, you need to point out to her (and your DH) that her behaviour is hurting you.

hermioneweasley Tue 26-Feb-13 16:03:41

She asked, you said no, she ignored you and came anyway. You are allowed to 'call' her on this and say it's not ok

JingleMum Tue 26-Feb-13 16:17:47

Thanks guys,

Regarding original post, I started calling her usually on a Sunday and saying we are busy all week besides "such a day" would you like DD then?

I'm car less at the moment & she knows I'm stuck in more than usual and I don't seem to be able to get rid of her.

msrisotto Tue 26-Feb-13 16:21:16

Why are you being left to deal with this on your own? What about her son?

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Feb-13 16:22:41

so tell her she's upset you! Ask her why she came over anyway when you asked her not to - state that it's made today harder for you (so she can't pull the "oh dont be silly, I'm happy to help" - it's not a help and you have to be clear to her you don't see it that way)

Yes she'll get upset, but you are upset now. She's upset you and will continue to do so. Your feelings are valid.

Samu2 Tue 26-Feb-13 16:23:46

YANBU. I wouldn't want my child to spend three days with anyone unless I was working. Once a week is a lot and I think you have been very kind to allow her to take her as much as she does.

Just seen your update. Your MIL sounds like she is very lonely and at this point I would get your husband to sit her down and have a word with her. It isn't acceptable for her to come round when you have asked her to leave it. She may be genuinely wanting to help but she needs to respect that no means no.

I hope you feel better soon.

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Feb-13 16:26:11

BTW - in my experience, when men have been conditioned to tip toe round their mothers (or other people in the family) to avoid them getting upset, the only way to make them think about your feelings is to get upset too - don't try to be calm, reasonable and the better person. Make them see that they won't be avoiding upset by tiptoing round hard work person, they'll just be moving it elsewhere. So in your case, cry. Great big sobs. (IF yor MIL was the type to get angry, I'd suggest getting shouty).

(I recognise this is petty, but sometimes petty works)

cavaqueen Tue 26-Feb-13 16:29:50

take dd into your bed and watch something on the laptop together
that's very rude of MIL and is crossing a boundary
Are you sure she didn't text DP to ask if she could drop by to get her own way?

LittleEdie Tue 26-Feb-13 16:31:29

Wow. I think you'd be perfectly justified in being angry and asking her to leave. Be rude. I would.

AllThatGlistens Tue 26-Feb-13 16:41:56

Honestly, stop agonising over it and tell her! You're not well and you want a quiet day with your DD.. You are allowed to actually say that you know grin

JingleMum Tue 26-Feb-13 16:47:26

Just posting this again incase others come along and only see my OP

Just bumping this rather than starting a new thread.

*I'm not well, look like shit, aching all over, headache etc... Decided DD and I would have a DVD day (it's been about 6 months since we've done this)

MIL rings and says "I'll come up for the day" as FIL is here helping DP with insulating our loft. I didn't want her to come, I look & feel disgusting, and whenever she comes DD won't keep still, is so loud, wanting to play etc... I told MIL how I was feeling and said "I'd rather you left it today, but how about Thursday?" She agreed...

Low and behold she has turned up, making sandwiches, DD is now bouncing off every wall, my head is splitting with the noise. We were having a lovely cosy day before she turned up.

What the fuck? I love her, really do, but what's she doing? Any suggestions at to what I do here?*

Again, thanks ladies.

Just asked DD to come and sit down nicely with me like she was before nanna came blush MIL started laughing and said "yes i've really disturbed you haven't i?" She then offered to make me food.

DP knows i'm angry. He offered to tell her to leave, but being the mug that i am, i couldn't let him do that. Next time i'll have use that complete sentence that mumsnet taught me "NO" not "no, it's fine thanks, how about another day?"

pluCaChange Tue 26-Feb-13 18:59:53

If they're being so noisy, you could make a point of it by going off to lie down as the noise is killing you. If you want to be polite but firm, you could say that you had been coping with a quiet day in, but now that Dd is overstimulated you have to go and lie down. Then remember DD needs to be wound down before supper/bed, so MIL will need to stop the stimulstion at that point!

Possiblyoutedled Tue 26-Feb-13 19:03:27

Poor you. Can you take dd up to your room and continue your cosy? with the wardrobe against the door
My mil is like this. I pluck up the courage to lay down a boundary and am all chuffed that I've done it but then she just ignores it.
What can you do eh?

Branleuse Tue 26-Feb-13 19:06:05

can't you offer for her to do the childcare instead of nursery? save you money and she gets time she wants

SilverClementine Tue 26-Feb-13 19:35:18

Sounds awful OP. I do think you need to tell her straight, otherwise how is she going to learn? Subtle obviously doesn't cut it.

I'm intrigued as to why you think its ok for her to offend you with her behaviour, but not for you to offend her by calling her up on it. Is your sense of self worth that low?

PoppyWearer Tue 26-Feb-13 19:46:13

My MIL is like this too. We have all kinds of DIY jobs around the place that need doing. FIL would do them for us willingly, and he is very good at it.

BUT MIL would insist on coming too, thereby sabotaging my day, and if DC2 were booked into nursery that day, I'd have to pull him out for the day to see her, she would insist (£50 down the drain).

Plus of course all the cleaning and tidying up required in advance...

Hope you feel better soon, OP.

Cherriesarelovely Tue 26-Feb-13 19:57:41

You poor thing, horrible to deal with this when you are already feeling crap. My ex Mil was very similar to this. When Dd was about 6 weeks old she started telling me and DP that she wanted her every other weekend! It was ridiculous. I used to hold back all the time not standing up for myself and she would just push and push constantly, it was a bit like she was my Dds absent parent or something! Suffice to say I eventually had to get very firm and spell things out, pull back for a while too. It did work though. I totally understand how difficult this is. Hope you can sort things out.

JingleMum Tue 26-Feb-13 22:10:26

Thanks for replying, guys.

Uurggh i feel terrible! I couldn't have a lie down upstairs due to DP & FIL bashing & banging about, i felt like a prisoner on my couch! I don't understand why she done it, i didn't call her out on it, but she could see by my face i wasn't happy about it. Hopefully that'll be enough for her not to do it again.

It caused yet another argument between DP and I, although he said if shoe was on the other foot and it were my mum, he'd be furious.

She has this way of making me feel bad. When i said "no, it's fine, don't feel well, just having lazy day on couch with DD, how about thursday?" She sort of pretends not to hear me, does a nervous laugh and says all sad "ok love" is this manipulation?!

YouTheCat Tue 26-Feb-13 22:20:09

Yes it is. Don't bother saying what you are doing in future. Just say 'Sorry, no'.

Sorry you're not well. If you had been fit and well I'd have been tempted just to go out.

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