Aibu to hope my dh will cancel his rugby jolly this weekend?(100 Posts)
Dh is going to Dublin for the rugby this weekend - it is a work jolly, long organised but not compulsory. They would likely be able to fill his place and it would have no financial impact for us (or the company he works for, as they are the guests rather than hosts) regardless. It is overnight for 2 nights and 3 full days.
I have a horrible chest infection that I am really struggling to get over. I am now on my second course of antibiotics as the first lot haven't cleared it. I am looking after our 3 dc by myself while he is at work and finding it very difficult. Him going away would mean I have pretty much sole care of 3 dc (all under school age) for 2 weeks without any help or a chance to rest - youngest dc still does not sleep through the night. I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. My parents live locally, but usually refuse to come if I'm unwell in fear of catching it themselves.
I wouldn't dream if asking him, but am hoping he'll reach the decision not to go by himself. Is that unreasonable/selfish? He gets plenty if jollies (he is going to away with work in March, so not long to wait till next one) and I feel like I need him.
[OP has been edited by MNHQ to protect user anonymity]
You will have to spell it out to him. Ime that wouldn't be a conclusion naturally 'reached' ...
Hope you feel better soon
If you don't ask him, don't then get pissed off with him for not coming to the 'right' decision. He's not telepathic. Just ask him if you need help.
You should ask him.
He is an adult.you are an adult. He may not appreciate how unwell you are feeling and how tired you are.
Dh will always stay at home if I am unwell but I have to tell him what I need as he often can't spot that I am struggling because I get on with it.
Just tell him what you need.
why on earth would you not dream of asking him
anyone would see that you are struggling, its not fair for him to be swanning off on his hols
hope you feel better soon
Seems odd you can't ask him, but you can ask a bunch of strangers on the internet if YABU to expect him to without being asked.
Tell him of your struggle and ask him to not go. Seems healthy and fair.
Do you get weekends away? If so, I'd try to stag on.
But if you don't get regular breaks as he does, then I think you should just tell him you're not up to coping with this one because of the illness. It will only lead to resentment if you hope he'll work it out and then he doesn't.
Unless you ask him, I don't think you have a hope in hell that he will volunteer. It's a pretty important match, only England, Ireland or Italy (unlikely!) can win the Six Nations so this weekends game between England and Italy could be a decider.
Can you get a nanny out? There are agencies that provide helpers, who could maybe take your lot out for a few hours ...
This isn't instead of having your DH home, it's as well - you need to rest!
*i mean England and Ireland- doh!
Why would he feel the need to cancel if you don't even tell him you are struggling?
However, what would you do if it was compulsory?
Whilst I understand you are knackered and pissed off it sounds more like you are resentful of his trips away and want to put a stop to them.
I'm a bit worried he'll say no if I ask him. He's generally pretty good to me and did have 2 days off work to help me last week (been ill 2 weeks already) but I'm nervous of causing a row over this. I think he feels he should go, even though he doesn't have to iyswim.
Can you ask him to take another day off during this week to give you a chance to rest?
maxpepsi he knows I am struggling and has helped me a lot with housework, etc. I don't resent him going away in general, I'm just very nervous about this weekend.
If you would have a row just because you ask him, that's not good really.
Could you take one of the kids over to your parents if they will help but without them actually being with you as you're ill?
Being fearful over a row on an issue of reasonableness indicates something else more enduring that needs putting right, I think.
You need to tell him ASAP.
I hope you get your fair share of "jollies" too???
He isn't going to make the decision by himself as he has no idea how you are feeling - especially as you haven't said.
I am curious as to how 2 nights/3 full days equates to 2 full weeks of you having sole care of the children though.
Insofar as the weekend goes though, let your standards go and spend the whole weekend in PJs watching DVDs.
Why dont you wait until nearer the weekend. Its only Tues and if you are on anti-bs you may feel a lot better by the weekend. Buy some DVDs and get easy food and you could have a cosy weekend with the kids and earn brownie points (maybe a break for you in exchange).
Obviously if you are still unwell later in the week you should just tell him you cant cope alone.
If he wants to go and won't stay, he can arrange for help for you whilst he's away. But you still have to ask him.
But yes, if going on a jolly to get shitfaced is more important than his family, then something else if very wrong.
If he has been chosen by clients to be taken they obviously want him there even if it isn't compulsory so it won't look good if he drops out at this late stage. These trips might look like jollies but there is a lot of 'networking' that goes on and they are pretty important- is there no one else you can ask to help you?
You're worried he'll say no? What Pan said.
Also make sure he helps as much as poss before he goes - getting shopping in, doing night shift with the non sleeping dc etc
I think my husband would ask me if he should stay at home, but I would let him go. I would hate him to miss out on something like the rugby. That said though I would just go and stay at my mums and enjoy being looked after. It's a shame that your parents won't help.
Too frightened to ask something reasonable of your husband is not a good place to be
Why are you nervous?
Nervous of being alone, or nervous of a possible row?
I have to be honest here, if I had the chance of a free weekend in Dublin for a 6nations game between Ireland and England the only thing that would stop me from going would be an imminent death in the family.
The fact this weekend is a work one where it will be the talk of the office for years to come means he's going to go. Call him selfish but even if you ask him to stay at home he's not going to want to.
The OPs DH may be like my DH - he has invitations to all the 6 nations matches but has chosen a couple to go to. So the 'important networking - talk of the office for years to come ' may not actually be true.
Nevertheless I would bite someone's arm off for eng v ire and if dh was desperate to go I would really want him to be able to.
But the point that others have mentioned is the main one - the fact that the subject even being discussed could be a problem is alarming.
YANBU to expect him to notice that you are really poorly and need his help. What is he, blind?
You may well be feeling better by next weekend. <<hopeful emoticon>>
I would let him go. My DH has to travel for work and I have found I can always manage on my own. Obviously, you need to see how you feel later in the week.
Can you get a babysitter to come in for a few hours? Or perhaps you could ask you parents to cook for you or order takeaway?
But....but....but it's Six Nations and after such fantastic opening weekend, how could one possibly give up a trip to Dublin. It really is a Big Deal.
Hopefully you'll feel better very soon.
It's a fucking rugby match, not a conference to hash out world peace.
'Call him selfish but even if you ask him to stay at home he's not going to want to.'
And I'm sure she wanted to pick up an infection that's not clearing.
I'd let him go. It's only Tuesday, you may be feeling a lot better by the weekend, fingers crossed!
It's not a Big Deal. It's a few blokes kicking and throwing an odd shaped lump of plasticky stuff for a bit of an afternoon. Little ones and loved ones come much higher in the orders of life.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
They go every year btw, so it won't be the talk of the office for years to come.
Oh bless, poor ickle man can't miss his six nations rugby, awwww, him might cry.
Has he really not noticed you are unwell op? Surely he knows a second course of antibiotics is quite serious?
We men aren't telepathic like you women, if you want something then oyu must spell it out. Then we're usually more than happy to oblige. Don't sit about dropping hints etc... they go straight over our heads and then we can't work out why you're so pissed off until the arguement escalates and you finally spell it out.
Well that is fucking ridiculous! What industry is it?
Dh works in the city ( not banking) and it is still a more macho culture than it should be but he and collegues take time off work for family illness, children's school plays without ridicule.
Thats just Neanderthal.
What Pan said. FFS. Tell him now. His boss sounds like a twunt.
You really don't have to be telepathic to notice your partner is poorly.
He has already had 2 days off work in an industry that, rightly or wrongly, does not take kindly to things like this. It's a tough world out there at the moment and lots of people will likely be snapping at his heels to replace him- is there really no alternative- friends, babysitters etc?
Yes. His boss does sound like a twunt
Yes, but it's not actually a work weekend, is it?
It's a 'marketing' jolly - and if your DH is on the receiving end of the
thinly veiled bribery marketing, then there's no real work reason to go.
I'm sure one of his colleagues would gladly replace him. Just so as not to waste the ticket.
I think you either need to say to him outright that you are really struggling and you would like him not to go - or accept he will go. I very much doubt he is going to decide not to go of his own accord.
You also need to do it today because I can understand that, on a trip like this, late cancellation won't look good. I'd ring him at work - so he cant deal with it today.
I meant CAN deal with it today (ie when he is in office)
Thank you everyone. Think I will talk to him about it tonight. I've asked for the thread to be deleted as I think I've become identifiable.
FWIW, I worked in a very male dominated industry with similar trips. Although there is a degree of outward ridicule for those who put their family first, I think that inwardly there is quite a lot of admiration of those who walk their own path and don't bow to crowd psychology. And, if he is a client, the broker/agent will be more than willing to fill the place with another client.
For me, ill is ill. If anyone in the family is properly ill, the other partner has to step up (unless you can get other family to help). I would never go away if my wife were unwell. Trips can always be reorganised.
If you need help then please ask someone. Start with your DH, maybe ask your parents if they can lend a hand with the DGCs (even if you have to hide out of the way so they don't catch anything). Don't struggle for the sake of it when you have family support there for the asking.
As a compromise ask him to take Monday / Tuesday or Wednesday Thursday as holidays.
Some of these replies really surprise me. I don't doubt for a minute that in the long term family is the priority and if it were a serious illness then it's a different matter, but is it really most peoples view that taking 2 days off already for a partners chest infection then dropping out of a work trip (jolly or not) or worse IMO asking for 2 days holiday at short notice, is not going to harm your career in the long term, which in turn will affect the family.......?
It's only by men having the guts to stand up and put their families first that the situation will change in that kind of
boys club workplace.
If she gets so run down she ends up in hospital with pneumonia he'll have to take more than a couple of days off.
She's been sick for 2 weeks. The infection isn't clearing. If she doesn't rest she may well get pneumonia.
But surely all other options should be explored before taking the time off if you aren't the one who is actually ill?
Aside from the 'boys club' mentality, repeatedly have time off for family sickness can't be well accepted in the workplace and must jeopardise your career to some extent?
I just don't really understand why it is that previous generations 'just got on with it' but it is so common place now to have time off work when they may be an alternative that doesn't risk your job.
If the economy was booming, to me, it's less of a risk, but the economy is on its arse and people are being made redundant etc all the time and whilst it would never be admitted that sickness was a contributing factor in who stays and ho goes, it will come into the decision making process.
This isn't actually about him taking unauthorised time off at short notice, it's about him acting like a decent father and husband by not going off on a weekend jolly when his wife is sick and needs a break from taking care of 3 children .
But it is a work jolly and he has already taken 2 days unauthorised time off last week so his boss will know about both. I would just be afraid for my job in that situation, so would look into the options of avoiding it if it were at all possible.
It would take something fairly major for me to give up a ticket to Lansdowne Road this weekend. This match, for any rugby fan, is hugely important. The match ups of potential Lions for a start. I'm on tenterhooks about the match already - it's practically my only conversation topic.
I wouldn't expect my DP to give up a ticket (if he was lucky enough to have one) for me for anything short of hospitalisation (and vice versa )
OP has already said it would have no impact on his job, nor his standing at work, if he didn't go on this social jaunt so I don't understand why you keep banging on about that, bear
Any fucker, how can the OP possibly know that for sure?
My point, and the reason for banging on as you so eloquently put it, is that his boss clearly has a different stand point as he avoids his kids (and im not saying that is right) but if he thinks like that he is unlikely to see having time off when it could be avoided as a desirable quality in his employees.
Bear, do you think that we should all condone that "avoid the kids, presenteeism" attitude of this bloke's boss. I don't. And i admire people, and particularly men, that make a stand against it.
I also trust this woman (the OP) to know the situation. How patronising of you to imply she does not.
he isn't having "time off" if he doesn't go on a voluntary weekend jolly though, is he ?
he would be prioritising his family over his leisure time
I would see that as a positive, not a negative and fuck his boss, frankly
Any Fucker, would you please answer me two things before you call me patronising:-
Where does the OP say it wouldn't affect his standing it work? She says it wouldn't have any financial implications for him or his work as they are guests not hosts.
Secondly, can you tell me how a partner can possibly know what someone's boss thinks of them (except if your boss is your partner)
bear you are spouting utter bollocks.
These things are jollies pure and simple.
Cab your kids go to your parents for the weekend? You will need a break. I had a v bad chest infection once and I could hardly move.
If I thought dh's job was in any danger I wouldn't dream of expecting him to have time off. He is quite senior and very successful, his boss values and supports him - I just used the example to illustrate the sort of attitudes to family that exist in the profession. He took annual leave last week, not sickness/unauthorised absence and still worked from home despite this.
I know that my dh's boss thinks very highly of him because of the bonus he was paid at Christmas. Will that do bear behind?
I answered those questions when I said I trusted the OP to know the situation wrt his job and any potential impact upon it.
I think the biggest concern with what the op is posting is that she feels she cannot ask her husband to stay home in case he says no. Not what some boss that appears to living in the 1950's thinks of him.
I would say that if you are worried about losing your job from taking time off to look after sick wife/dcs. theres a big problem.
And it very unlikely he will lose his job by missing on a fun trip away.
Most companies have unpaid parental leave days for that exact reason, why should people who are very ill have to struggle on and get on with it?
I am not suggesting taking time off for every cold or headache but 2 lots of antibiotics is serious, clearly the first lot didnt work and the OP needs to rest, not look after the children by herself whilst her dh watches the rugby.
oops, cross posted with op but I think you have your answer there, bear
Alibaba- thank you for your considered and well argued response, I have completely changed my views because of it- not!
Any Fucker- you think the biggest concern is one thing i think it is something else, that doesn't make make thoughts wrong.
3monkeys3- fair play on the bonus
Agree completely with maninawomansworld. Excellent male viewpoint! My DH is lovely and kind hearted but not psychic - hints of 'cough, cough, oh goodness I feel poorly. I don't know how I'll cope this weekend' would go completely over his head. However, if I said to him, 'Darling I feel like shit and I really can't cope this weekend with the kids on my own. Will you cancel your weekend away and take over for me?' I'm pretty sure he would. You need to spell it out.
There is no way in hell my DH would leave me alone for the weekend if i were that sick and had three young children to take care of, not unless it was literally something he would lose his job over.
If for no other reason than if god forbid you get worse and need to go to the doctor or hospital in the middle of the night, who will take care of the kids?
At the very least, he should arrange to just go over one night, or to take off a day before or after.
Fuck that macho culture bullshit. It's never going to change as long as people keep going along with it, especially if even senior and highly valued people who are not likely to get fired keep going along with it.
And sorry but fuck that 'men aren't psychic' bullshit.
Maybe some people don't notice their partner is hacking their lungs out and dreadfully ill -- conveniently so, as then they don't have to go out of their way to do anything -- but plenty of men out there don't need to be asked to step up.
Of course people should ask if they need help but it's ridiculous to think the OP's husband can't figure out on his own that maybe it's not a good idea to go away this weekend.
It implies a lack of respect for a man to say "oh, he's just a bloke, how do you expect him to get it unless you spell it out (in words of one syllable...?)..."
very sexist comment
I would have thought 2 courses of antibiotics would be spelling it out enough for anyone, male or female?
Its not difficult is it, my OH has been ill, the first lot of ABs didnt work, this must be quite bad. Maybe I had better do something to help?
Id expect my 9 year old ds2 to work that one out by himself.
Any fucker, do you have access to a part of this thread that I don't as you have twice quoted other posts and read far more into them than was actually written.
Firstly about the OP knowing her husbands job was secure before she had said it was and now about spelling things out to men in words of 1 syllable. As far as I can see swornout, was just saying you need to make it clear what you want rather than hoping your husband works it out.
bear you know that stuff you said upthread about something being your own opinion ?
Yes but I was stating an opinion not quoting another's post and adding into it things that weren't actually there, there is a difference.
I think if you believe your partner is so stupid he can't work out on his own that you need his help when you have a raging chest infection, then it's not really a stretch to think he might need instructions in monosyllabic form.
AF was paraphrasing, not quoting.
the brackets and the question marks give the clue to the paraphrasing
there is an undercurrent and a whole different level of dialogue to phrases like "how can you expect a man to understand" that I was pointing out there
it's ok not to see it, bear, many people don't
but when I see women being blamed for men's apparent inability to "understand" what is staring them right in the face, I feel it needs pointing out
Jeez, I think I will bow out now as some of you can obviously see things that arent actually written.
AF was hardly paraphrasing if she took what swornout said and told her it was 'a very sexist comment' when what swornout had actually said was not sexist at all. Sometimes you do have to spell things out to others, male or female.
Had to laugh at the 'it's ok not to see it bear, many people don't' now who's being patronising!
for the record, I wasn't directly saying that sowornout had made a sexist comment, and if it looks that way I apologise to her
this mindset of "men can't be expected to make the right decision if women don't point it out to them (ie. it's the woman's fault if she gets treated badly)" is one that I struggle with
Any fucker, I do agree with you on that but I also think you have to be careful how much you read into things. Swornout, as far as I can see was saying her husband would need it pointing out to him and yes, he's a man, but it wasn't sexist. I know many females who need the flaming obvious pointed out to them too
OP - are you going to ask your DH not to go or continue to hope he will decide to stay at home himself?
And if you do decide to ask outright and he says he's still going, what are you going to do then?
the implication from some quarters on this thread (and it is common in RL) are that it is her fault for not making her needs known plainly enough
when any decent bloke would use his eyes, ears and conscience to inform his decision whether or not to go on a non-compulsory work jolly, in this situation
I don't feel I have to be "careful" about pointing that out. Unless I am doing to it to people who think it is just fine to disregard his wife's needs (eg. someone like this bloke's boss)
A lot depends on whether the OP is putting a brave face on it and seemingly coping fine.
Sorry if what I said came across as sexist. It wasn't particularly meant to be. I was just saying that (IMO) some people don't notice the bleeding obvious or it hasn't occurred to them that someone is struggling. My DH is one of them. I think it's a bit simplistic to say 'any decent bloke would use his eyes, ears and conscience to inform his decision whether or not to go' AF. My OH is a perfectly decent bloke - but he appears blind to piles of washing/jobs that need doing. If you actually say, 'Can you take the bins out?' he will cheerfully do so - but it doesn't appear to have occurred to him that the binmen come every week on a Thursday, despite us living here for 10 years. If I were hacking and coughing and struggling on with the kids whilst he was at work he would generally assume I was ok, presuming that if I wanted help I would ask for it. As Dragon says, if I was putting on a brave face and seemingly coping he would assume things were fine. I was, as Bear says really saying that surely it would be better to say, 'I'm not OK. I need your help' rather than hoping he worked it out for himself and then drooping about miserably because he hadn't. DH would actually be pretty pissed off, I think, if I turned round later and said, 'I needed help and you didn't give it'. It would make him feel guilty and I'm pretty sure he'd be thinking, 'Well why the hell didn't you say so then?'. If he wanted help he would ask for it - and he would basically assume that someone else would do the same.
I'm not saying it is OP fault for not making her needs known. Just suggesting that it might be a better option rather than hoping her OH will pick up on the signs.
Right so she asks him and he says "no". That's what the op is asking
Perhaps 3monkeys3 will need a plan B. Can he not buy in some child care for a afternoon or two. Someone must have a nanny/au pair you trust? Got a friend you can bribe?
A chest infection is a pretty obvious illness (the hacking cough alone is hard to ignore) and she is on her second course of antibiotics.
I can't see how he could be unaware of how bad she must be feeling. She shouldn't have to spell it out to him.
If you can't manage then you should just say so. Not hope he will realise. But if he really wants to go you could try as others have said to make it as easy as possible, get shopping in and so on. And it is only two nights.
The OP's DH is not unaware she feels like shit - he's already taken time off.
It would appear however that he is unaware that she doesn't want him to go to Dublin this weekend because she hasn't actually told him that.
I have had two lts of anti biotics in the last two months. I have had days when i feel awful and days when I am fine. Dh has had at least a week of work looking after me at my worst and has gone to work later or home earlier to help with the school run half a dozen times too.
He will always bend over backwards if i am ill, as I do with him. But I o have to tell him - and he has to tell me because feeling shit but able to get on with it and feelings shit so need to lie down look very much the same when you are generally a 'get on with it' person.
We have both had days where we have said to the other 'seriously - should you go back to bed' only to have 'actually I look shit but I am not too bad'.
Nothing to do with selfishness or power or indifference. Just communication.
sowornout like I said upthread, my comments were not aimed directly at you and I apologised for that, and I think we shouldn't fall into a beartrap of getting pitted against each other (see what I did there... )
I don't like "martyr syndrome" either
of course OP should be clear about what she needs...but she has said herself she is afraid to do so and that is the issue I have already said is the most concerning one here
OP You should ask him. Most people like to be needed and to be helpful. Or rather let him know that you are feeling very ill (in case he hasn't noticed) and that you feel frightened at the prospect of 2 full weeks with the DC whilst you are sick. He may have another solution -can't think what, but, if not, then he should volunteer to stay home with you. Of course it's frightening to wonder how you will feel about him if he goes off regardless. But it will have told you something about him and how he values you (and FWIW nothing you have said has made me think that is a likely outcome).
@ AF. Sorry. Wasn't meaning to have a go at you. Just saying 'decent' blokes can still be thick as pig shit at times! (Mine for one!).
Agree absolutely that being afraid to ask for help is a major concern.
Absolutely no worries at all, Soworn. OP hasn't been on for a while. Hope she is ok.
This is not going to be popular but I'd leave it to the last moment to decide. A Six Nations week-end in Dublin is the jolly to end all jollies. A city full of anticipation before the match and then the happiest piss-up on this planet - whoever wins. I did it once and loved the atmosphere (without caring much for rugby).
OP, sorry that this doesn't help. If you can't face the w/e he should, of course, stay.
Any fucker, wtf do you mean about a 'beartrap'. You blatantly mis quoted someone and said that was a 'very sexist comment' then you get all pally with that person and somehow it's my fault.
The only undercurrent I can see on this thread is a blatant MN hierarchy that sucks.
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