to just do my own thing? (DH & IL related - bit trivial)

(123 Posts)
retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 04:51:34

OK, so we live abroad and have just had a baby. I told DM that I would take the baby (and our other kids) home to visit her at Easter, which is also her birthday. Just for a bit of background, DM suffers from an anxiety disorder similar to agoraphobia, so can't travel.

IL's emailed us a few weeks ago to tell us that they are coming over to meet the new baby. That's great, except they said they are thinking of coming for Easter. I immediately drafted a reply and sent it to DH (he was at work) along the lines of: retrocutie is taking the kids to visit her DM at Easter, but you can come at any of these other dates [half terms, etc.]. I then set out a list of dates.

Anyway, that was ages ago and DH has still not sent the email. Every time I ask him about it, he says "well, I told IL's to check with us before they actually book anything". My concern is that they will go to all the trouble of organising their holiday at Easter (they also have DC in another country they need to visit), then DH will say they can't come. Or alternatively they'll book it then I'll have to cancel my trip to visit DM, who would be heartbroken.

I don't know what to do. If I email IL's, it will be a case of 'Bad RetroCutie not allowing us to visit our DG" (they don't like me).

Shall I just leave it all to DH and go at Easter as planned? Or is that BU, considering it might screw up the IL's plans? Not sure what to do. Thanks.

deXavia Tue 05-Feb-13 04:57:06

Tell you DH if he doesn't send the alternative dates today you'll do it, Honestly living abroad means that juggling grandparent visits can be close to negotiating a UN treaty (depending on the family obviously!) Get the dates and current plans out in the open and then everyone knows where they stand.

AnMum Tue 05-Feb-13 05:03:23

Why can't you just email them yourself? Don't understand why you need DH to do it...

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 05:06:51

Why can't you just email them yourself? Don't understand why you need DH to do it...

Because then it will be a case of "bad Retrocutie won't allow us to come". Or, "well, DH hasn't said we can't come at Easter, so we thought it was OK". Or something like that.

It would be very U to let the ILs come knowing that you'll be out of the country but of course you shouldn't change your plans.

You have to let them know you aren't available at Easter and tell your DH he has to send the email today. Your DH says that well, I told IL's to check with us before they actually book anything - they have, they're waiting back to hear from you, presumably if they don't hear back, they'll assume all is ok.

deXavia Tue 05-Feb-13 05:13:40

Copy him in and say you have agreed...
Look if its that kind of relationship you'll get the blame anyway but better to do it now rather than after they've booked travel or made other arrangements with your DHs siblings.

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 07:40:34

No, I'm not going to email them. It will turn into a massive row with them saying that DH said it was OK, she'll be crying down the phone to him, then I'll be expected to cancel my trip to see my mum.

snowtimelikethepresent Tue 05-Feb-13 07:51:51

Well you are not being unreasonable to say this is trivial: it certainly is! The answer is staring you in the face.

lurkedtoolong and dexavia between them seem to have the problem and solution completely sussed, yet you refuse to email because it might make you look like the bad guy??? And just how do you think it's going to play if you don't say anything and they come anyway (unlikely but still....)?

FWIW yanbu to be irritated with your DH...I used to have one like that...but in this situation surely just play the hand you're dealt, and (swift change of metaphor alert) keep your powder dry for a battle worth winning!

And btw do not on any account change your plans to visit your DM!

ComradeJing Tue 05-Feb-13 07:59:29


Leave them to it. If DH refuses to email them then let him be the bad guy when it goes wrong.

Since you'll be the bad guy either way - them booking cos dh didn't tell them or you telling them not to come - which is more likely to give you the most grief?

Book your own tickets home now. Make them non refundable!

Arithmeticulous Tue 05-Feb-13 08:02:17

Book your tickets. Put your itinerary next to the phone/pc/on the calendar. And do nothing - including cancelling your trip.

Facebaffle Tue 05-Feb-13 08:08:17

Can't you ring rather than email then there'll be no confusion about your tone. The situation will become worse, the longer you leave it.

katiecubs Tue 05-Feb-13 08:19:18

What's wrong with your DH FFS just tell him to email them now or get him to give you his log in and do it yourself - how bloody ridiculous!

CloudsAndTrees Tue 05-Feb-13 08:19:45

No one can expect you to cancel your trip. Make it clear to your DH that there is absolutely no way you are prepared to do that, then any fall out is his to deal with alone.

Haven't you booked flights or anything for your trip to see your Mum yet? If not, then do it now.

Startail Tue 05-Feb-13 08:24:46

Just send the very standard DH has been unbelievably busy at work and forgot to tell you ....... Email

It covers most instances of he'll explode if I nag him again, so I'm just going to do it.

ENormaSnob Tue 05-Feb-13 08:25:55

I wouldn't cancel my trip regardless of what ils were doing.

WhichIsBest Tue 05-Feb-13 08:30:47

Book your tickets. Don't be manipulated into changing your perfectly reasonable plans for the sake of your DH being lazy.

What is wrong with your DH?? Why would he not try his hardest to keep things smooth between you and your ILs if you already have a bumpy relationship? Why would he want to increase your anxiety about the relationship instead? He sounds like he is being useless!

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Tue 05-Feb-13 08:37:01


it's up to your DH to email the and sort things out, do you think he hasn't done it because he'll try and guilt you into not going? Tell him in no uncertain terms what your plans are and then leave him to it

I can understand why you don't want to be the one to tell them, I also doubt that if the roles were reversed that your DH would be the one getting in contact with your mum to sort out plans. Owning a vagina doesn't make you the automatic social secretary of the house

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 09:48:49

Yeah, I think he thinks if he does nothing, then his parents will come whenever they like and I'll just fit in with them. Like I always do.

Also, whenever I bring it up, he says that my mum should just come out here. Then I have to point out - again - that due to her anxiety issues, she can't travel. Then he'll say she is being stupid and selfish and how he doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. This is usually the end of the conversation.

MarilynValentine Tue 05-Feb-13 09:49:59


But for the love of reason email them! And just deal with their reaction. By ignoring it cheerily. If the MIL is crying down the phone, let DH listen to it. Get a cheerful, reasonable stock reply - "Oh we agreed it ages ago, DH was going to tell you but he's been so busy. We'd love to see you soon, when else can you come?" And repeat. Don't apologise.

Your DH is either being spineless (knows they'll flip and doesn't want to deal with it) or manipulative (intends for you to have to cancel your visit to your DM but doesn't want to be up front about it).

At some point you will have to find a way to deal with this problem. If you have to be the only adult here, so be it.

MortifiedAdams Tue 05-Feb-13 09:51:40

Just email them. They are your family. Stop.being so bloody petty.

MarilynValentine Tue 05-Feb-13 09:51:47

Wow retrocutie, your DH sounds like a prick.

Book your tickets. Non refundable. And go. Tell your DH that that is what is happening.

Don't allow yourself to be bullied.

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 09:53:53

Er, exactly how am I being petty?

WhichIsBest Tue 05-Feb-13 10:07:29

Your DH sounds less useless now, and more like a prick, as MarilynV said.

I did suspect that it might turn out to be the case.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 10:08:30

YABVU. I think you're being ridiculous not to call or email them yourself. You would actually allow them to go to the expense of booking tickets to visit at a time when you and the baby won't be there, to save yourself from a few critical words (from people who apparently don't like you anyway, so will always find something else to criticise)? So your desire to avoid this particular little droplet of criticism, in a lifelong sea of it, is worth what, hundreds or thousands of pounds of their money? That's more than petty.

You say though that you always give in and go along with what your husband wants. In which case you have effectively decided that's what's going to happen this time to, so you are in fact being very unfair on your mother, who you're not going to be able to visit because you are being such a drip.

Grow a backbone, stand up to your DH and book your travel to visit your mother.

blackeyedsusan Tue 05-Feb-13 10:14:18

oh for fuck's sake. book the tickets go. do not cancel. let dh deal with the fall out...

sorry that sounds really harsh... i am having a bit of a strop about school and was trying to calm down before composing an email.. unfortunately your dh has made me quite cross.... ex was a bit like that too... bloody useless at arranging things without consulting and expexting me to cancel plans already made... because his family and their arrangements were oh so more important than mine...

oh and the stupid aand selfish one is not you mum, or you...

MarilynValentine Tue 05-Feb-13 10:19:28

You're getting mostly YANBU and some YABU but everyone is saying the same thing:

Book non-refundable tickets and go. Tell your DH.

And email them. And just deal with their reaction. If you make a stand now you can start to change their expectations (and your DH's) that they always come first.

They can happily sometimes come first, but not all.

I know it's shit. But you're going to have to be courageous and get a handle on the situation here. The longer you wait for others to be reasonable and fair (when they're not), the weaker and more disempowered you will feel.

Good luck.

Agree with others - send an email yourself, or tell your dh that if he doesn't send the email today (ffs, all he needs to do is add the addresses, right?)

Personally, I'd cheerfully drop my dh in it if he'd been messing about/manipulating the situation "Sorry dh hasnt got round to emailing you as he's massively busy at work, so thought I should let you know. Me and dcs are not going to be around that week - such a shame. But we can do xxxx.

If they don't like you, you'll be the bad guy whatever happens, so you might as well get the situation sorted - longer you leave it, worse it looks, imo.

MortifiedAdams Tue 05-Feb-13 11:01:28

You are being petty because you have drafted an email for your DH to send.

Either get him to send an email or call ("oi, DH, let your family know we have plans over easter"). Dont draft one for.him. Or send a one yourself or call them.

Tough shit if they a huff - their problem. I seriously think you are making a mountain out of a molehill here.

MortifiedAdams Tue 05-Feb-13 11:04:11

And to the rest of you who.are saying her DH is obviously a prick - we only know what OP id telling us and considering she wont even tell her ILs she is busy over easter, Im reluctant to Husband-Bash as it all feels a bit one sided atm.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo Tue 05-Feb-13 11:08:55

By not replying to his parents he is agreeing Easter is good for him. Sounds like he is punishing you for your poor Mothers illness.

Book your tickets now.

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:15:44

OK, I have sent him another reminder to contact the ILs. I have also pointed out that we need to know when they are coming so that we can both book time off work.

Me and the ILs don't really communicate. MIL was here last year and didn't say a word to me the whole time she was here. As soon as she got DH alone, she was her normal chatterbox self. There is a lot of bad feeling unfortunately. I have tried so hard over the years, but I don't think I will ever win them over.

WhichIsBest Tue 05-Feb-13 11:16:42

I do think you should mail them too. Why not if you are damned if you do and damned (and inconvenienced) if you don't?

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:17:51

I guess I'm a bit frightened to? Stupid, I know. Also, from experience I suspect that they would probably ignore the email and just go with whatever DH has told them.

EasilyBored Tue 05-Feb-13 11:20:14

How many times to people on here complain about their inlaws and get told that they should be getting their OH to deal with them? So why should this be any different? The OP has explained what will happen if she emails them, has asked her OH repeatedly to contact them and let them know. You've done your bit OP, book your trip to see your mum, and let OH deal with the fall out of him not bothering to contact his own parents.

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:28:46

Thanks EasilyBored. That's where I'm kind of at with it all. Also, instead of waiting for Useless DH to contact them, why don't they contact me? They have my email address, home phone and mobile number.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 11:33:06

They should get their OH to deal with them IF they are confident he WILL deal with them. The OP here knows he will not but is knowingly (thus deliberately) allowing the situation to worsen, so that's it's likely the PILs will book tickets before she's acted in any way. That is quite childish, however unpleasant they may be or how useless or manipulaitive her DH.

OP, have you booked your trip to see your DM yet? please do and send a copy of the confirmation emial to your DH.

I know I and others are being quite harsh but it's because you're being so frustrating. YWNBU at all to book your trip to see your mother. You are in a position to do this but apparently won't. You seem to be dithering and allowing yourself to be pushed around by people who don't have your best interests at heart. Thus you are colluding with them, against your own and your mother's interests. That is your choice and you need to own it, not sit about passively blaming everyone else - or make a different choice and own that.

Trills Tue 05-Feb-13 11:33:46

Is there are reason why he is being crap?

You wrote the bloody email for him.

I would have just said "well obviously we can't do Easter as blah blah blah, send them some other dates and then put it on the calendar"

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:40:45

The thing is, I can't actually afford to book our tickets until I get paid at the end of March. Otherwise believe me, I would have booked them by now.

NatashaBee Tue 05-Feb-13 11:41:10

Your DH is being very unhelpful. You shouldn't have to, but I would just email them and explain that your DH has been putting off telling them. What's the worst that could happen, since they are already not talking to you?

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 11:47:23

Ok but you can reiterate that you WILL be going to see your DM then, give your DH the dates and start to make whatever practical arrangements are necessary.

Contacting your PILs is a separate issue, it is just about about showing basic consideration towards them, (as you would to anyone, however much you might dislike them) so they know not to book for Easter and waste their money.

Obviously there's a issue here between you and your DH about whether your and DM's wishes carry any value in your family and I'm sure that's much bigger than this incident but, for your DM's sake, you can be firm about this visit.

Could you not tell them you are going to visit your mum at easter and while you are over here go and visit them too?

Hullygully Tue 05-Feb-13 11:52:47

email them in dh's name obvs

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 05-Feb-13 11:52:48

YANBU you've made arrangements already, you've offered up various other times they can come to visit, your DH can suffer the fall out if they go off on one. Go away to see your mum with your DC and have a fab time smile

Pandemoniaa Tue 05-Feb-13 11:59:25

It sounds as if you are going to be in the wrong whatever you do. However, it's not fair to let them assume they are visiting at Easter if you are going to be away so send an email saying that you've already made arrangements to be elsewhere. There's no way that your dm should suffer from your dh's inability to contact his parents.

RattyRoland Tue 05-Feb-13 12:03:00

Yanbu. Did ils email you or dh?if it was dh, I'd book your tickets and definitely NOT cancel if ils turn up at easter.

If ils emailed you, I'd reply yourself with alternative dates. Good luck!

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 12:19:43

They only ever email DH at work or call him on his mobile.

But Easter is the end of March. If you wait until Easter to book tickets it's gonna cost a fortune!
Can DH help you out for now or does he not get paid until end March as well.
Wow - you MIL doesn't even talk to you in your own house!? What is wrong with people? That is just rude and I wouldn't be putting up with it in my house. Seriously, no way would I welcome someone in that wasn't even going to communicate with me! That's just crazy. She either grows up or doesn't come at all.
Anyway....... You should email them and let them know the situation. Pure basics. I'm away with the baby from XX to XX but you are welcome to come on XXX dates. Let us know when so we can book time off. Done!
I really do think you need to start standing up to them. If it's gone on for years then you've nothing to lose.
Good luck and enjoy your trip to see your Mum.

KobayashiMaru Tue 05-Feb-13 12:53:45

Don't have them in your house at all. why should you host people who won't even speak to you? I wouldn't let them over the doorstep if I were you.
Your DH is a bit of a useless prick as well.

Herrena Tue 05-Feb-13 12:59:23

If they don't like you, you'll be the bad guy whatever happens, so you might as well get the situation sorted - longer you leave it, worse it looks, imo.


They sound like dickheads and your DH doesn't sound much better.

I'd email them and cc your DH in on his work email.

fosterdream Tue 05-Feb-13 12:59:50

Agree with kobay I wouldn't and don't let MIL in my house because of the way it has treated me.

if your DH hasn't let them know when you're going then I would email saying you have already booked you're tickets but if they still want to go over they can but sadly you won't be there. Maybe this is what they want?

SirBoobAlot Tue 05-Feb-13 13:14:47

They sound like twats and your DH sounds like a right piece of work. TBH you'd be better off without the three of them.

frustratedashell Tue 05-Feb-13 13:23:58

I agree with Boob. Stand up for yourself. Why does MIL not like you? Why does DH not stand up for you? Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by these people.

RattyRoland Tue 05-Feb-13 14:00:15

If they emailed dh and he's not bothered to tell them its not convenient then its his problem if they turn up and you're not there. Take your dc to see your dm and don't cancel!

Yfronts Tue 05-Feb-13 14:17:45

forward your original email to them and say you wanted to highlight the best dates for visits.

Yfronts Tue 05-Feb-13 14:21:01

Why not just email all the family generally with photos of the kids and an update about the last few months. You could also mention that you are looking forward to visiting your Mum over the Easter hols and have planned xx and xx while you are in the UK.

TryDrawing Tue 05-Feb-13 15:55:14

Would you expect your H to arrange things with your DM? If not, why should it be up to you to make plans with his parents?

You have discussed your plans with him and given exact dates when you will not be at home. That is all you need to do.

LucilleBluth Tue 05-Feb-13 16:06:04

Why do the ILs sound like 'twats' and 'dickheads'........they asked for a time to visit and haven't been given a response.....some people are so anti -in -laws it's funny.

OP man up and send them a fucking e mail.

EldritchCleavage Tue 05-Feb-13 17:37:37

The one thing I think you urgently need to do is tell your husband that whatever happens with his parents YOU ARE NOT CANCELLING YOUR TRIP TO SEE YOUR MOTHER. It sounds as though you usually give in to things, so he and the ILs have no incentive to get organised. They can just make you change plans at the last minute.

Please make sure he knows that's not going to happen this time (why should it? You made and told him your plans long ago). I think you might find when he realises he can't get you to drop everything and save the day, he might just sort things out with his parents.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Tue 05-Feb-13 18:10:35

Her 'D'H is being a lazy git and not contacting HIS parents to let them know that the dates they want to visit are not suitable and yet the OP gets slated by some you confused

I still dont see why you cant just visit them both here at easter?

If he doesn't stop them coming he's going to drop you right in it, making you look like the unreasonable one for going to see your parents, when you "knew" they were coming to see the baby. Email them yourself, even if it rubs them wrong, it's not going to rub them as wrong as turning up to find you left the country. You Dh is being a big dick over the whole thing.

retrocutie Wed 06-Feb-13 02:29:01

I still dont see why you cant just visit them both here at easter?

Because ILs don't live in the UK.

Thanks for all your replies. I really don't want to email them as I know it will cause bad feeling. We didn't speak to them for nearly 2 years over problems with SIL. DH did say that he told them to talk to him before they booked anything, so I don't think they would waste their money. Nonetheless, it might be a huge inconvenience for them if they plan everything only to be told they can't come.

Even though they don't like me, I still feel a bit sorry for them.

Is there any way your DM could pay for your ticket and you could pay her back in March?

Also, it sounds like your DH is not useless, it sounds like he is a shit. He is doing nothing knowing his DM will make you feel like shit. He also has her in your house when she ignores you. Frankly, she wouldn't be welcome in my house. I cannot believe you feel sorry for them.

retrocutie Wed 06-Feb-13 04:18:36

No, DM hasn't worked for years and is always broke, bless her. Also I start my new job next week, so I am going to have to clear it with them to take the time off. Even if I only get Good Friday and Easter Monday off though, it will be fine. We could fly home on the Friday, spend Saturday and Sunday with Mum, then fly back on Monday.

You know, I do wonder about DH. Is it flakiness or wilful defiance something else?

I do find it really interesting that you put "bit trivial" in your thread title. Your DM wants to see your child, your DH won't prioritise your needs, your ILs are treating you like dirt, you fully expect to have to change your plans to suit everyone else. That is NOT trivial and maybe if you stopped treating your needs as if they were trivial your DH and ILs would start to understand they can't walk all over you.

It is not flakiness to watch your mother ignore your DW in their home. It is an unwillingness to support your spouse. You really need to draw some lines in the sand. When you have a baby, you are a mother, channel that inner power and tell them you are going home at Easter.

I am also curious about you not having money for tickets until March. Is everyone skint (I know that feeling) or is money in your house not shared?

I read that back and realise I am sound really bossy. Feel free to ignore me grin

retrocutie Wed 06-Feb-13 06:50:41

Hi MrsTP, my DH barely earns enough to support us. However, I start a new job next week, so things will improve with two salaries. The first thing I want to do is to visit DM with the baby.

Yeah, the IL's are not very nice. But it's all so subtle so if I say anything, it makes me look petty. The main issue is that we don't speak to SIL. I have talked about it loads on here, and the general consensus was that we were right to cut her out of our lives. However, obviously the IL's don't see it that way. Another issue for them visiting is that they constantly go on about SIL to the DC. I feel like they're manipulating them so that they'll ask to see her.

SirBoobAlot Wed 06-Feb-13 08:50:25

You're perfectly within your rights to say to the ILs before they come "We don't want you speaking about SIL. She is someone we have chosen not to be involved with, so the DCs also will not. You talking about her to them is not going to change that, and is unfair on them. If you don't agree to stop this, we will have to reconsider how your visits take place".

I don't know the back story to your SIL, but I'm sure you didn't just cut her off for the fun of it.

And I would email them, I'd also tell your DH you were going to email them, including the details about going to see your DM, and the 'condition' above.

Say something. Who cares if it makes you look petty if they don't like you anyway? Your DH either has no spine or is controlling. So you need to take the power here.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 06-Feb-13 10:48:03

I agree with MrsTP (and don't mind sounding bossy, as exhibited yesterday). You say your PILs stayed at your house and did not speak to you at all during the visit - that is not subtle.

You also said that when you remind your DP of the need for you to visit your DM, he claims she could travel as she's faking illness and 'that is the end of the conversation'. Why do you allow that to be the end?

Your comeback is something like, 'she is not faking (and I find that suggestion hurtful), she will only see the DCs and I if we visit her, so that is what we will be doing, at least once... (a year / every six months, insert as relevant). The best time this year is Easter, so, unless you come up with a better plan, fitting in a visit to her at a time that suits her, in the next couple of weeks (or however long is available before you need to commit to travel), we will be visiting her at Easter.' Clear statement of intent, ball in his court if anything different - but equally suitable - is to happen.

Why are your wishes and your relationship with your mother so unimportant to your DP? Is he scared of his parents, or does he not care about you and how you feel? Either way, there's a problem he needs to address.

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 05:22:29

OK, sorry to drag this up again. So DH has spoken to MIL, by email. He told me that she said "Easter would be perfect", but he told her that we might not be here. But then he said maybe they could come for the bit of Easter that we were here for. He did his usual trick of being so vague that he doesn't actually have to commit to anything.

Anyway, the bit that has pissed me off is that I asked him to forward me the email conversation between him and MIL. I said, "please send it now" (DH is at work). The reason I asked for it "now" is because I didn't want him to have a chance to edit it. I appreciate that that makes me sound paranoid, but he has a history of not telling me things.

So he sent me the email conversation and there are clearly emails missing, as there are references to things that aren't there, IYSWIM. I hate the fact that he has these private little conversations with his family that I am not privy to. It makes me really anxious and always causes a row. I never know what's going on.

I am really pissed off. Am I being unreasonable, do you think?

YANBU about the emails. You need a come to Jesus talk with Dh, this secretive crap and being vague, with his Mum and with you about what is said and decided will put extra strain on the marriage and make things very tense and miserable. Time he grew a pair and realized you and the kids are his family first, and not the enemy and he needs to get on side double quick.

I think YAB a bit U about this.

If you're right & mil has emailed something vile, is DH trying to shield you from it? It could be for your sake or it could simply b be that he can't be arsed with the row, but stil, not entirely U of him.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 06:06:55

The whole thing us a bit weird really.

He wont tell his parents when you are visiting yours - thats the bit I don't get. If he said you are away between X&Y dates, is there likely to be a god almighty fall out?

I would just take the stance wof 'I'm going on X-Y, do what you feel best for your parents' and let them get on with it.

I do have to say, demanding copies of email conversations just brings you down to his/their level, that just shows lack of trust on your part.

FWIW, I wouldnt be entertaining anyone in my hosue that chose to ignore me - no right of course to stop him seeing his parents, but I wouldnt be doing the fetching and carrying and be made to feel like an outsider, therefore I deduce that X&Y dates when you are away is absolutely the perfect time for them to visit becasue you won't be there.

I also agree that you are euqlly capable of emailing his parents - I would just a FYI email that you wont be there on X&Y dates, , you don't even need to get into any pleasentries or other information exchanges.

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 06:10:44

I don't think she has emailed anything vile as such. In fact, I am not sure why he is so secretive. He's always been the same as far as his family are concerned. They clearly don't like me, but he pretends that they do. Whenever I do read any emails the MIL has sent, there is always some subtle passive-aggressive comment that puts my back up grin

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 06:13:06

I guess I am not helping the situation. I have just started a new job and haven't yet met with my manager, so I can't be certain what days I can have off. Which is why I said I am going home "at Easter", so that they could come at either of the half-terms or for DS's birthday.

It's just unfortunate that they now want to visit "at Easter".

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 06:14:18

HollyBerryBush, unfortunately I do not trust him as far as his family are concerned sad

Right, I wasn't going to ask, but I think it's time.

Is any of this down to a clash of cultures? I only ask because of some of your phraseology. You have also said ILs don't live in UK, so presumably not an unreasonable question.

I have seen threads before with similar markers & it's always been ILs from a society with different views on wife's duties.

This info might help retro

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 07:30:31

Hi there, no, we're all white Westerners.

Ok, just an idea. Then no excuses. For anyone.

ILs shouldn't be so rude. Pull them on it.

DH needs to share info with you & stop being so lazy.

And you desperately need a backbone.

Go to your mun's & get over what they might think. It's either real or imagined, either way nothing is going to change if the same pattern of behaviour continues.

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 07:40:18

Yeah, you're right. They all know I plan to go to Mum's "at Easter" so I'll just let them get on with it.

TidyDancer Sun 10-Feb-13 07:50:02

I don't think DH has to show or tell you every single detail of his emails to his family, but you should know about the ones that are relevant to your plans.

Tbh, you have told DH of what you plan to do, and as long as he is happy with you going to see your mum, the rest of the situation is his to deal with now. If you are not willing to email your ILs yourself (which still seems the most obvious solution tbh) then you have to let DH deal with it. If he chooses to be vague (although since your plans are still up in the air, I'm not sure what else he could've said?) and you don't clarify this, then there isn't a lot else to do.

This is probably a discussion you need to have when you have firmed up your holiday with your new job.

RubyGates Sun 10-Feb-13 08:34:33

As you know that you can't win whatever you do, it's really much better for everyone concerned to leave them in no doubt about what your plans are. Please email your ILs (with your already prepared email) and copy-in your DH with a line about how you know he's busy, and you want to make sure that no-one is disappointed by his complete lack of organisation

That way at least you have taken some control back of your own life. You really can't win whatever you decide to do, but at least this will put you in a position of power.

anonacfr Tue 12-Feb-13 11:56:30

I would send a breezy email to your DH AND his parents (clearly showing that it's sent to all of them so there's no secrecy from your end) titled 'Easter catchup'
You can then say you're waiting to meet your new manager to confirm what dates you'll be able to arrange your trip home on and that you will let everyone know asap so that various arrangements can be put in place.
That way you're acknowledging your ILs' visit but you're also re-iterating that you'll be going home in a positive and non-confrontational way.

If they then decide to get pissed off you would have done your duty and it will be their problem.
No more secrecy or miscommunication or you'll end up (even more of) the bad guy.

Oops. Basically what Ruby said blush

ForexTrader Tue 12-Feb-13 13:00:25

When whatever you do will be wrong then you might as well do what you like.

I am very much in the camp of thinking that if they aren't being nice and accommodating, you needn't be. What seems to be happening is that you are trying to keep people who don't like you and won't work with you happy. All that happens in these circumstances is that they get worse. They all need the consequences of their actions. Do what you are going to do, if they end up there with you and the baby elsewhere, hard cheese.

anonacfr Tue 12-Feb-13 14:14:55

I agree but I still think a friendly email sent to everyone is the way to go. Hr conscience will be clear and it will take a couple of minutes to write.
Whatever else happens is then their problem.

LemonBreeland Tue 12-Feb-13 14:15:09

Your DH sounds like a complete prick tbh. The deleting parts of emails, is it possible that he is still in touch with SIL and it may have references to that?

Tell him that if his parents coem at Easter he will be entertaining them and on his own.

I find it awful that he allows them to ignore you etc. and doesn't say anything about it.

I agree anon that doing the bare minimum in terms of making sure everyone has the information is a good thing. But, that needs to be the bare minimum. Stop chasing them, worrying about them, trying to understand and manage. Quick email, you've done your bit.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 12-Feb-13 16:23:53

They all sound like manipulative twats. In your position I would make my own arrangements to go home with the dcs and leave 'd'h to manage his own family. If they turn up when you are not there,then tough shit.

All the time you try to manage your husband and the fallout, he sits on his arse and lets you stress, while doing nothing to help you.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips Tue 12-Feb-13 17:50:27

Actually how about you email them right now and tell your MIL that if she's planning on coming and staying in your home and not even saying a bloody word to you then they're not welcome at all. WHY would you put up with that? And frankly, if your DH won't back you up on that then I would be seriously reconsidering my marriage.

retrocutie Sat 16-Feb-13 10:34:53

OK, so we have just heard back from the PIL. Just to re-cap, we live overseas and they want to visit us to meet our new baby. We gave them a list of dates that would suit us: 1st half term, around DS's birthday, 2nd half term, Summer break... all the school holidays except Easter. We are visiting my mum at Easter as it's her birthday and she has not yet met the new baby. She can't travel to us as she has anxiety issues. This trip was planned when I was pregnant and mum is really looking forward to it.

So, the PIL have said they want to come at Easter. We told me them no, and reiterated that they can come at any of the other times. No, they want to come at Easter.

So today we got an email full of excuses about why they can't come at any other time followed by statements like, "... we thought you'd be pleased to see us", "we want to visit the baby whilst she is still a baby", etc etc. Basically laying on the guilt so that they can come at Easter.

I don't know what to do. Please help. AIBU. Thanks.

RobotLover68 Sat 16-Feb-13 10:47:00

You reply

"Sorry Easter isn't an option as I'm visiting my DM, do let me know of any other dates you can make and I'll check our diary"

You've got to keep saying "no" to Easter or they'll think if they constantly harp on at you you'll back down and they'll do it again and again - if they still come then let them, you won't be there!

I can't comprehend why you are worrying about people who didn't even speak to you last visit!

CMOTDibbler Sat 16-Feb-13 10:54:04

'Sorry to hear that, hope you'll find a date soon you can visit from the list we sent'.

Its not your problem, so you don't need to solve it

mamas12 Sat 16-Feb-13 10:58:06

retro Yes it is still a no please stay resolute.
Get your oh to email back and ask them if they have received any of the other emals texts about Easter not being an option for them because it sounds like they are having trouble with their computer otherwise.
Then sympathise with them with their emotional blackmail saying yes we agree what a pity you can't come to see them on the dates we gave you and what a shame you will miss our lovely baby and lets hope you can work out a suitable date on the dates you gave them. Looking forward to seeing you on **repeat the dates you want them to come.

It is a case of repeat repeat repeat. Don't give in they will come when you want them to you have the baby they want to see smile

LemonBreeland Sat 16-Feb-13 11:09:44

Agree with the others, keep saying no, add in a sorry what a pity. Don't give in to the emotional blackmail.

MyDarlingClementine Sat 16-Feb-13 11:26:56


You have my deepest sympathy, you are in such a horrid situation and what makes it worse is that you care about it.

There is Always an oak - usually the MIL or the PIL and a willow usually the person on here not able to take it anymore.

However you MUST NOT be bullied by these people.

Your poor mother is waiting to see her GC and has limited options because she cant get out to you. These people are not taking into account your poor DM are they? They are not taking your own needs in account that you live away from your DM and would like to see her.

I truelly believe you must stand firm. It is the only way to deal with bullies like this.

The problem is you care about what they think of you.

The whole situation has got out of control.

What I think you should do, is now - quietly get on with your plans. I wouldnt offer up any information to your DH anymore or the in laws.

Keep your own counsel. You have told them many times that the plans clash. You can do no more.

MyDarlingClementine Sat 16-Feb-13 11:28:33

I disagree with posters saying she should engage with them.

They do not care about her feelings at all and they will just keep tugging her heart strings.

I would say - dis engage and ignore.

You need to learn not to care, if they turn up and have gone to alot of trouble and you arnt there - so what!!!!

Its thier choice its nothing to do with you.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 16-Feb-13 11:32:24

YANBU. At. All.

Do not back down on this or I think it'll be a very slippery slope

Just get your DH to tell them that they are welcome to come on one of the other dates you suggested or that they are welcome to visit but you and the baby will not be there. It really is that simple, don't let them or your DH turn this into being your problem when it's not

MyDarlingClementine Sat 16-Feb-13 11:45:11

"Do not back down on this or I think it'll be a very slippery slope"

This ^ is very true as myself and my DH know only too well.

We were emotionally blackmailed into visiting a relative over seas. However not being entirely deviod of a heart we capitutalted. But I said I would like to stay elsewhere NOT in the relatives home.

We were bombared with emails, told we were cruel, and in the end we decided that I would stay behind and DH would take the baby.

I cannot tell you how horrendous is has been since. We have been bullied and called, texted, emailed, had FIL coming to our door to hound us - because he knows we capitulated once before and had a good chance of doing it again.
Having said that since then we have stood firm and they still try it on.

MyDarlingClementine Sat 16-Feb-13 11:46:14

I used to worry and feel sorry too - and I still do from time to time, but I keep reminding myself I am not here to please them.

I have to put myself and my family first.

anonacfr Sat 16-Feb-13 12:36:30

Tell them they're very welcome to come at Easter and hopefully they'll stay long enough that you can see them when you come back from visiting your mother.
In the meantime they'll get to spend quality time with their son. Then reiterate that you are waiting on your work dates to finalise the trip you've been planning for months.

Email them and your husband at the same time and let him deal with the fallout.

Enough bullshit from them. You've been more than accommodating- if they want to come, let them!

I think a fait accompli is in order. DH has to tell them either, "sorry you won't see retro and the baby, then, they won't be here" or "as we said, Easter isn't an option, here are the dates again...". No, maybe this or what about that. Just a broken record, "retro is seeing her mum at Easter, retro is seeing her mum at Easter, retro is seeing her mum at Easter, retro is seeing her mum at Easter, retro is seeing her mum at Easter, retro is seeing her mum at Easter" until they back down.

You have to get DH onside. He may need the same broken record from you, "I'm seeing my Mum at Easter" repeat until bored.

anonacfr Sun 17-Feb-13 09:03:15

I'd say send an email to husband AND ILs saying that. The broken record thing obviously hasn't worked in the past- why waste your energy?
Tell them 'I'm going to xxx from xx to xx hope you have a nice time with your son'.
You've planned your visit to your mother for MONTHS. Don't let them bully you. Would you actually cancel seeing your own mother who can't even travel to appease them?

Squitten Sun 17-Feb-13 09:17:33

Agree with everyone else. Very simple:

"As you know, the children and I are going to be visiting with my mother over Easter. Please let me know which other date suits."

Send it to them all, including your DH, and keep sending it in response to every single message. Simple. If your DH wants to have them over for Easter, good for him. Doesn't change your plans. Unless he specifically tells you to change your plans, there is no problem.

If they dislike you anyway, what have you got to lose?

DesiderataHollow Sun 17-Feb-13 11:07:21

Really really really, what Squitten said.
Say that if they do come for Easter that if they want to see the baby they will have to wait until you get back from visiting your mother and celebrating her birthday.
Give dates that you will be there.

Lather, rinse, repeat, ad infinitum.

MusicalEndorphins Sun 17-Feb-13 11:23:29

Just repeat that you won't be there at Easter.
They are being very unreasonable.

Lotkinsgonecurly Sun 17-Feb-13 11:25:54

They are welcome to come at easter but you wont be there!!we'll be back on tjis date great to see you after this.
Dont let them bully you!!

anonacfr Sun 17-Feb-13 12:09:54

I wouldn't even bother asking them what other dates suit them. You've offere alternatives and those have been ignored.
If they're so keen to come at Easter they can. They'll just have to wait till you're back to see their grandchildren.

cees Sun 17-Feb-13 15:42:05

Just say NO until they get the picture.

LittleMissFantabulous Sun 17-Feb-13 15:53:15

Anyone else think the outlaws are dragging their feet out of spite? Retro has said no so they will make her change. Fuckers.

2rebecca Sun 17-Feb-13 16:07:33

Agree with not trying to arrange a date for them. You've given them a list of suitable dates and told them you won't be there for Easter. Stick to your plan of visiting your parents at Easter and just keep saying no to the inlaws. It's a shame your husband sounds so unhelpful. Like many inlaw problems it sounds as though he is a major factor in the problems by not showing a united front with you and firmly telling his parents that Easter isn't an option.
I wouldn't worry about them, if they decide to come when you and the baby aren't there that's their problem.

wineandroses Sun 17-Feb-13 16:13:44

Op you have 5 pages of people here telling you to stick with your arrangements. Not sure why you are still asking what you should do?

Your IL's, assisted by your spineless 'D'H, clearly think you can be worn down. Time to grow that backbone. If you give in, and cancel the trip to your DM, you will not forgive yourself. Just carry on with your arrangements and don't discuss further with any of them.

To be honest, if my DH acted like yours does, I'd be seriously considering whether to just stay at DM's indefinitely.

delilahlilah Sun 17-Feb-13 16:33:51

wineandroses took the words right out of my mouth... You need a serious chat with your DH about his lack of support, and don't back down to the in-laws.

Jux Sun 17-Feb-13 17:13:33

Please, just book the trip you planned to book. If there's insufficient dosh, put down a deposit on it or something. Just make sure you do your trip, as planned.

Let them get on with it without you. You're excluded from them anyway, so you owe them nothing. Your dh is being a wimp. He is just sitting on hsi arse letting whatever happen, letting his parents bully you through him, and he is assuming that you will make everything better by doing what your ILs want.


Curtisbaby5wks4days Mon 18-Feb-13 00:30:33

Your dh sounds like mine...doesn't want to say no for fear of disappointing someone. He will leave it to the absolute last minute to turn someone down which makes it 10x worse.
You're a DIL - your role in their life will always be partly the bad guy. Tell them yourself and get it over with. Your dh is almost certainly waiting for you to do this so he doesn't have to.

KeatsiePie Mon 18-Feb-13 04:33:35

Why is your DH being so insistently, passive-aggressively useless about this? It sounds like he is deliberately trying to drop you in the shit with his parents.

I mean, if he was initially sort of innocently useless about this, and then you said "Look DH I need you to step up and deal w/this, and you know it has to be you b/c of xyz" -- which you have said -- and now he's still being useless about it, that's no longer just useless. He's putting you in a bad situation for no damn reason. Seriously, can you not say "Look, you are doing [recap of above] and it is not cool, it must stop now, and btw. what is your problem anyway" to him?

And don't give in to their "but don't you want to see us" either, how rude of them to try to manipulate you.

KeatsiePie Mon 18-Feb-13 04:36:42

Really, I agree with MrsTerryP that this is not trivial. He shouldn't treat you as if you're too dumb to see that 1) his parents are trying to manipulate you and 2) he's trying to let them. Does he generally try to get away with things he knows are not okay with you by acting like you are too dumb see him right there in front of you?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 18-Feb-13 04:51:12

If you haven't done so already, get your tickets booked for the trip. I personally would send an email to ILs and copy to DH to confirm that you will be away for easter and the tickets are booked, they will have to choose from the other dates given to them.

You can end this, you seem to be going around in circles. Just send the email, end of!

2rebecca Mon 18-Feb-13 10:37:08

It shouldn't be a competition for who books their tickets first though. Guests wait to be invited. The OP hasn't invited her inlaws and has expressly told them they are not invited over easter.
I would be angry with my husband if he didn't back me up but would send an email to inlaws confirming that I will be away over Easter as I arranged months ago to visit my mother then.
I agree that the husband is being unnecessarily nasty here. He could have pinched this in the bud with a simple "x and baby won't be here for easter" repeating it until they get the message.

Groovee Mon 18-Feb-13 11:05:43

I would go into dh's email and send the email!

msrisotto Mon 18-Feb-13 11:22:06

Don't cancel your plans - if you do they'll have won, you'll be miserable and they'll trample all over both of you forever more. Let your DH deal with it, he can deal with the fall out if they turn up regardless. DON'T be complicit in this.

OP, are you still on the thread? I'm worried you've disappeared because they got their way. sad

CarpetBagger Mon 18-Feb-13 16:37:22

Even if Ops Dm cancelled the plans anyway - Op should still not be available over Easter.

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