To leave him (baby related)(39 Posts)
Really torn by doing the right thing here so need to know if iabu to leave Ds2 who is coming up to 6 mths. He is bf'd and although I've been weaning him for about a month (which he loves) he likes to comfort feed ALOT. He refuses a bottle or dummy, he will drink some juice from a tippy cup but he only ever wants to be fed to sleep and is generally a bit of a mummy's boy waking up 6 times a night. Because he is so reliant on me, I've only left him once for a couple of hours and he was fine in fairness but it was daytime and only for a short while.
We have got tickets for a concert this weekend with an overnight stay that I bought my dh for his birthday. He works 2 jobs including weekend evenings and I really would like us to have a night out. We've already had to cancel a surprise trip he bought me for our anniversary (ds2 was only 3 months) and I had thought when I booked this that by now we would have got the baby to take a bottle as I never wanted to bf this long!
So Aibu to leave him knowing that my poor mum will have a hell of a time with him and he probably won't have any milk fo 14 hours? Or wibu to cancel on dh again? We could go and not stay over (it's only 45mins) but we were hoping to relax a bit and have some kid free time! Would it really bad to go and just hope for the best....?
I think you need to get away together and spend some quality time with your DH.
As long as you brief your mum and she is OK to take that on then you should go for it!
Enjoy it - you deserve it and so does your DH.
Will your boobs not leak? Or d you plan to express?
Your DS sounds a lot like my 5 month old DC2. I agree that it's emotionally and physically draining...
But I don't think I'd be able to go away for so long, even though it'd be lovely.
Go ! My dd was also not interested in bottles and refused dummies - from me. she could smell the milk - whereas she was quite happy (well grizzled a bit at first) to take milk in a tippy cup from anyone else.
You could use this as an opportunity to get your DS used to taking milk from others and start to pull back from falling asleep on the boob. Just warn your Mum first...
Enjoy the concert !
Could you have a dry run before? It's all very well to say go, but if you won't enjoy yourself and will worry the whole time then it won't be worth it.
Mmm, my DS was like this and I was fairly emotionally unstable after 9 months of it as I had no life away from him at all, so YANBU to want to go.
It is quite a long time to be out for the first time when he's used to you being there all the time it might have been easier to do a trial run of 1 evening first to see how it went.
However, if your mum is really up for it you could give it a go. Leave expressed milk which your mum could try him with in a cup or bottle, as well as formula (my DS would only have BM from me, so it's worth having both to hand maybe). If you're clearly not there with the alternative, he might go for it.
Consider, though, if you'd actually be able to relax while out. No sense in trying to have a lovely night with DH if you're constantly worried about DS.
I would go and come back, not stay over night myself. 14 hours is a long time for no milk for a small baby.
OK I'm usually the first one to say 'go' but how will your mother settle him if he's used to waking up and being fed 6 times a night? You need to have a plan for her (one that you think will work) or else they are both going to have a terrible night of it
and you'll find she's busy the next 50 times you need a sitter
If you don't think in your heart of hearts that he'll settle then I would go and come back. And if going away with DH is important for you, work on a routine that will enable this in the future.
And why give a 5 mo juice at all?
Ok, thanks for the advice all, it's really a great help. We planned a dry run but got scuppered by the snow and haven't had a chance again. My mum is game for a bit of tough love but I do think it might be a bit much and I could end up with a destrought little boy and a mother pulling her hair out.
He may well take a bottle when I'm not there so I think we will go but with the intention of driving home. I guess we can take an overnight bag in case it's all going hunky dory and we do get to stay in the hotel although i' think chances are we'll be driving home!
Wilson, he has boiled water with orange/apple juice to help with his chronic constipation (which he's had from birth) and cos he's been weaned early - on hv advice on account of him being a greedy guts!
Personally I wouldn't go. I think yab a bit unreasonable on ds and dm to go from never going out to suddenly leaving him all night.
And don't feel like you are 'cancelling on dh again' he was a bit silly to book an overnight stay for you both with a 3 month old tbh.
I know you have probably done this but no expressed milk in the sippy cup? Maybe when you are out and about and he will warm to the idea of all the time
I left my ebf 5 month old ds overnight back in December (he was 5 months then, not now). I had to spend a couple of nights in hospital, and while I kept him in one night, I was too worried the next as I felt so weak I was worried I'd drop him during the night. So, I sent him home with his dad, and my mum and dad.
Mum kept him in with her, tried him on a bottle, which he took a bit of, and then cried a bit and went to sleep. He didn't have a bad night, only woke up at 5am (unusual for him - he likes to wake and feed ) took another oz from a bottle (this was formula as I never expressed) and he went back to sleep again.
They brought him back to me in hospital after the school run, so he had gone about 13 hours without me feeding him. He was fine.
So, if you trust your mum to comfort him, and even if he'll only take a little milk from a bottle or cup, he will be fine, its only one night.
I also never suffered any engorgement, but I think that was down to the pneumonia affecting my milk supplies!!
I had to leave both of mine to go to weddings when they were 6 months. I was horribly engorged and in my DS's case he didn't take any milk from the bottle at all. I was gone less time that you are planning (probably about 11 hours) and my DCs did not feed as often in the night as yours. Unless you are planning on expressing and dumping the milk I think I'd just drive and then come back afterwards.
Thanks for answering my question OP.
Hadn't even thought about engorgement <ooyah>
14 hours and no milk is too long in my opinion.
I have a 7 month old (formula fed) ds and he is an absolute milk monster, he has 3 small meals a day and still has about 4 or5 bottles. He would be absolutely distraught to go 14 hours and no milk.
I don't think there's anything wrong with going out but can you make it shorter and not stay over?
Yes - very unreasonable.
You have years and years to have child-free nights with your husband when your children are older and able to cope without you.
I wouldn't worry about your mum having a horrible time - she is an adult and can choose to offer and can cope - but poor baby may be distraught. A baby doesn't have the ability to understand the separation is temporary. It would be cruel and irresponsible to leave him.
I just cannot for the life of me understand how you could have "a good time" while one of your children is at home distressed.
Just reading the other responses.... I think I might do this in extreme circumstances... like a hospital admission .... but not for a night out!
Try it and see, and be prepared to drive back if he won't feed/settle for your mum. He'll be well looked after and might well be fine.
Just re read your op and you say you've only left him once before for a very short time.
To go from that to overnight stay when he is still waking 6 times a night and looking for breast milk I think is really unfair on him.
I just wouldn't go. And I'm not the sort to say never leave a baby - I worked full time from when dd was 6 months old but with gradual settling etc and ensuring she would be easily satisfied and taking bottles etc.
With ds he is very clingy and 7 months in dh and I haven't had one night out and don't plan to anytime soon. We'd rather know he's ok and settled.
We will go out when he's older.
TBH I wouldn't go.
Was in a similar position when my DC1 was about 6mo, had tickets to a concert, but she was bfeeding around the clock and so in the end DH went with BIL.
With DC2 I did go away when he was 9mo but my boobs were on fire in spite of pumping and dumping. So in retrospect I would have left it later.
stay with your baby. he needs you.
Well I'm not suggesting I'd go out, turn my phone off and go out clubbing, I would obviously come home if he's upset! I don't agree with those who've said iabu to go at all as I think 6 mths is more than acceptable to leave him with dm - I think it's important to make time for each other too, especially as dh works a lot - each to their own. It's not so much about having a 'good time' but also needing a break as he can be quite intense and I think it will be a good chance to see if he will take milk from someone else and maybe sleep a bit more. The hv said there is no problem with him going without milk fwiw.
I am going to abandon the hotel idea though, I agree, it's too long to leave him as we'll as the engorgement issue! So we'll go and drive home
I wouldn't leave him that long.
DD2 would settle for yoghurt and juice from a cup. But she was liable to wake in the night for a BF.
She never ever took a bottle and 11 years later still doesn't drink milk.
A nice long evening out yes, but not being back for one feed in the night no.
I wouldn't have left DD2 until she was night weaned and used to the idea that sugar free squash and a hug was all that was forthcoming at night.
With hindsight I wish I'd only ever given her water at night as water is something else she won't drink, but at the time her Mother needed a rest from non bottle taking, non formula touching DDs.
(I never managed expressing)
I think at 6 months there is no issue about staying out over night as such, its more the fact you are worried about the milk issue. One night without milk will not hurtand as he is weaning.
My nephew was like your DS but would take a bottle of formula of someone else if mum wasn't around but wouldn't drink expressed milk from a bottle and definitely not off his mum.
Could you not keep trying the bottle over the next few days maybe from someone else other than you?
I think the only reason you may be a bit unreasonable is that you haven't really left him often before even for nights out but he really will survive and be perfectly ok IMO.
I am surprised there are so many people on here sounding as if they are trying to make you feel guilty. You need to do what is right for you and your family.
I breastfed both my boys but they also took a bottle as I gave one to them from when they were tiny just in case I did have to leave them, DS1 stayed for the odd night at my mums from 4 months as he was a terrible sleeper and I needed a break. They are well adjusted boys and it has never affected them not being with me constantly and FWIW DS1 actually slept better at my mums as she was probably more relaxed about everything as it was only just for the 1 night.
I also think it's really important to spend some quality time with your DH so ignore all these posts saying you are being unreasonable.
Like you said - you will have a phone, can get back if need be and you do have to leave him astsome time so now is as good a time as any.
You have a great sitter who is willing and able so why on earth wouldn't you.
You don't want an overly clingy child as he grows up.
"you do have to leave him astsome time so now is as good a time as any."
No, it really isn't.
A good time to leave a breastfed child overnight is when they are sleeping through.
And even then I chose not to until they were weaned.
Go out for the evening, close enough to get back without too much delay if there is a problem.
Not trying to make the OP feel guilty at all - mine was in nursery 3 days a week at 6 months! The difference is, I knew he would take a bottle at that point.
My almost 6 month old is exactly the same so I completely sympathise with you. Its not only physically draining but also emotionally. I broke down last week because all I want is to be able to sit undisturbed for a couple of hours and watch a bit of telly but she wants to be there constantly. So i'm with you, its bloody tough.
DH and I left her with my DM on Saturday and went out for about 3 hours. It was the best thing we did. We came back feeling totally refreshed and ready to take her on again! She also won't take a bottle from me but was fine with my DM so may be same for your DS. I think the fact they can smell your milk and know boob is right there is enough to put them off the bottle. A baby will not starve, they have human instincts too and will definitely eat when necessary.
The fact he is weaned is also a great help. Its hardly as if he is a nb and you're just getting your milk supply in. SO GO! Enjoy yourselves, you deserve it. We all need a break at some point, its best for everyone involved imo.
go! you need to be not at the end of your tether to be a good parent, and it sounds like you need a complete break with DH. also agree with other posters that he may well sleep longer / take bottle or cup from your mum in your absence. sounds like that is something you would also like to find out, so worth it from that point of view IYSWIM. if he is unsettled, one night is NOT going to hurt him.
if anything I would turn my mobile phone off so I weren't checking it every five mins - give your mum the hotel no so she can get you if she really needs.
YABU. You don't need to go out overnight to celebrate your DH's birthday. An evening should be enough and your DH is unreasonable if he doesn't agree with you on the importance of being there in the night for your child (unless, as others have stated - its for medical reasons, etc).
You don't need a complete over-night break from your child when they are this age and neither does the child.
anonymosity, think a bit harsh to say OP doesn't need a break, you can't know that. if anything I think after 6mo of what OP describes I would absolutely need an over-night away for one decent night's sleep! and relationship with DH is v important and 6mo a long time to go without time just for each other.
I wouldn't leave him overnight, its not fair on him. I think going out for the evening at this age is fine. But you'll probably both have a miserable time if you leave him overnight as hell want you and you'll be huge and leacking and uncomfortable the whole night.
On another note why do you think he's always been constipated?
Its totally normal for a breastfed baby to go 10+ days without pooing. It would only be considered constipation if poo was hard and formed like solid adult poo. Otherwise its not an issue.
I think yabu too nothing wrong with wanting a life, and 6mo babies should be able to cope without their mum BUT you've not left your baby before and he's unused to coping without you. To then leave him for several hours is going to be very distressing for him. Why not book a spare room for you mum too? Then she can watch him during the show and you can feed him at night whenever he gets desperate
The health visitor said a baby who won't take a bottle would be ok for fourteen hours?! That's ignorant even for an HV! Really sorry you have been given this bad and confusing advice OP. Suggest not seeing HV again. I agree with others overnight is too long, your baby could dehydrate and would certainly be upset. I would leave a bf six month old a max of three hours. It is a tie, I didn't leave bf dd overnight until 18 months when she was drinking plenty of water. It's a short time in your life and well done for getting this far.
My DS is 17 months and still bf but obviously on solids and drinking water too, but because he is still used to my milk and still wakes a few times a night, and doesn't drink formula or cows milk yet (and won't take a bottle) I wouldn't leave him overnight.
I really think your baby is too young to be left without milk for that long...I don't think you'd enjoy the night away with that hanging over you. As someone above said - you have the rest of your lives to enjoy nights away, now is not the time. I would go to the concert and come home.
I really dislike the use of the word 'cruel' to describe this kind of behaviour. Leaving a healthy 6 month old for a few hours,with someone he knows well, you trust and who loves him is not the definition of cruelty.
He will be fine, may well feed from a bottle for someone else and if he will take liquids from a cup is not going to dehydrate.
You must do what you feel comfortable with so perhaps not the overnight yet as I agree that it could be a waste due to you constantly worrying!
YABU he is only 6months and you have done no preparation at all. You say that couple time is important fair enough but surely your relationship can survive 6 months as your baby needs you 6 months is not a long time to wait and if you really feel you need a break and couple time then go for a nice meal possibly cinema close to home. You dont need to go so far and long for a break.
I couldn't. It's not worth the distress it would cause for baby and sitter.
2 or 3 hours somewhere local - then at least your mum can see the light at the end of the tunnel if things go wrong.
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