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To be a bit weirded out by this? Sorry another MIL one(36 Posts)
So before Xmas my mil told me that she'd got my dd (now 5 months) a party dress and was saying 'oooo I'll have to show you her new party frock'....she never did.
I assumed she was going to give it as a Xmas pressie and was probably wanting dd to wear it on Xmas day.
Anyway, Xmas came and went and the dress didn't materialise.
Today DP came home with the said dress and said "'my mums given us this cos she's gonna grow out of it soon".
Now I know this is no crime of the century but its just made me feel a bit weird. Why was she keeping it? When did she ever think she was going to get the opportunity to put her in it?
I've already felt it was a little strange that dd has her own draw of stuff but its all practical stuff which at times as come in handy like vests, sleep suits, nappies etc so that's been understandable.
But I just feel like this party dress (complete with cardigan, tights & shoes) is just a step too far.
I know I'm probably over reacting and I know a lot of it is probably my protective maternal instincts but I don't like it at all.
Today, despite being told that she'd only had her nappy changed just before we set off (so about 30 mins ago) she insisted she changed it "oh no she likes having her bum changed".
It just feels like she wants my baby or something and doesn't seem to respect the fact that I'm her mother.
The bum changing thing would have weirded me out more than the dress. I'd have told her to fuck off about that. The dress thing could have been that she simply forgot.
Massive pover reaction on your behalf. Unless there is a massive back story.
Yeah, she maybe forgot... She's human right?
I wouldn't allow her to change her other than when she is babysitting and if she weirds you out whatever the reason then I wouldn't allow her to babysit.
The bum thing is weird but the dress and drawer thing aren't.
I think she's just enjoying playing with a baby again.
Not sure about the dress issue, maybe just forgetgul?
I would have bitten the hand off if someone appropriate had offered a nappy change. Bonus free moments for me.
Don't forget that when she was last doing changes, they probably needed changing a he'll of a lot more frequently than the efficient nappies of today.
Not sure if "bitten the hand off" is the right idiom. But I'm sure ykwim.
My MIL was a bit like this....she used to keep clothes at hers and a travel cot full of toys. She also babysat and used talc though we'd explained why she shouldn't.
She never got to change her again after that.
It IS weird the way some MILS get all Motherly over their grandchildren....but I wouldn't think she as a perve or something because she wanted to change the baby.
It's just your MOtherly instincts...it's odd to have another woman...one who isn't a relation to you...want to spend time with your child..especially the first one.
Yeh it's a combination of little things, any of those things alone I think I could shrug off but they're just all mounting up.
I suppose it's the way she is with her in general, I get the feeling that I'm in the way of her n her baby.
I'm not sure whether its partly because DP and his ex used to leave their kids with her a lot and maybe she assumed that I'd be doing the same.
Also when DP split with his ex he lived with his mum so she always used to have lots of clothes for them at hers and again maybe she's just continued that with our dd.
I think if dd was older it probably wouldn't bother me so much but I definitely feel like my protective maternal instinct is in overdrive, I don't want any other woman treating her as though she is hers, grandmother or no grandmother.
And here's a tip...nobody...not even MIL gets to "insist" ANYTHING about your baby. Even the small things. YOUR baby YOUR call.
IN future, if MIL or anyone insists anything, put your foot down. You probably feel weird because you need to learn to assert yourself.
Once you're a Mother you have to learn to be a leader.
Just say "No it's fine" and repeat until they get the message. "No it's fine" and pick the baby up. I once had to almost PULL my DD out of MILS arms.
She'd babysat for us and it was the 1st time I ever left DD...who was very little still. I got back desparate for DD and MIL answered the door holding her...I put my arms out and she just looked at me like I was a funny piece of shit.
I said "Can I have the baby please?" and she laughed and said of course! But STILL didn't hand her over.
Weirdo she is.
"oh no she likes having her bum changed"
That's the wierd bit. The dress she probably forgot about but the wanting to change her even though she had already been changed is odd.
Oh n almost every time mil has ever looked after DD she is wearing something different when I pick her up or when DP brings her home. Usually just a babygrows so that she's 'ready for bed' I always make a point of saying 'oh you didn't need to do that, she always has a bath before bed anyway' but still she does it. Or she'll say that she was sick so she got her changed...despite the fact that she is hardly ever sick anymore.
I'm dead funny about smells n I hate her being in clothes from mil's they smell like fags n chip pans! Errggghhh!!
I think YAB a bit U.
I think you are probably right that she is loving having a little baby around and wants her to have 'her' stuff and 'your' stuff. It might irritate you but you know she's your baby! Your DD knows who her mum is.
The bum changing thing doesn't bother me in the slightest. My mum loves changing my baby
weirdo purely because she loves babies. She honestly would do anything with him, poo and sick included! I'm more than happy to hand over the poo nappies to her. Don't think she's change him for the sake of it.
To be honest the first thought that came to my mind when I read your OP is - maybe this MIL has early dementia. Is she generally forgetful?
No she's not forgetful, far from it. Like DP said "she gave me this cos she'll grow out of it soon" As though she was keeping it.
That's what she does, keeps things at hers n then gives them to us to use when she's nearly grown out of it so we can get some use from them.
She does similar stuff with DP's other kids, they have full wardrobes of stuff for when they stay there (she's not even well off) but I've always put that down to the fact that they spend so much time there so it's kinda understandable.
Also with DP's kids she's booked several holidays for them without checking with DP or his ex before hand, I also thought that was a little strange. My mum thinks in a generational thing n that this is prob what her mum was like when she had babies...I dunno. All I know is its starting to creep me out.
Anyway I've decided I'm going to make an effort n invite them round for lunch over the next few weeks, we always go to their house but I think maybe if she's in my home she'll have more respect for the fact that I'm dd's mother...I'll see how that goes!
Is this your DD the first grandchild? My MIL was a bit like this. Totally OTT, definitely played 'mummy' to the point where she and FIL called each other mum and dad around my LO. He just got caught up in the ride. She calmed down but it damaged our relationship a fair bit.
just make your own rules and make everyone else stick to them. your mil seems to have had her own way with your dp's other children, and might take time to adjust. don't let her get away with anything. your baby. yours.
OP I honestly can't see anything especially strange in this, other than your MIL is enjoying looking after / buying things for her GD. So I think YABU. If my 'maternal instinct' had flared every time someone bought our DD clothes or changed her nappy I would have spontaneously combusted by now.
That said my MIL is fab. Maybe there's some huge backstory here and this is just the tip of the iceberg (e.g. booking holidays without checking with parents is v odd, just not the buying clothes thing). Otherwise YABU.
Just to clarify...I have no issue with her buying clothes for her, in fact I love that, it's the keeping of them especially something which she is never going to have an opportunity to put her in.
Also I have no issue with her changing her nappy, again this would be great if it actually needed changing. But I do have an issue with her changing her nappy just for the sake of doing it when I have clearly said that it doesn't need doing and she's just ignored me,
But yes it is more than it just being about the clothes and the nappies, there's been many times over the years when i have thought to myself that if my step kids were my own DC I wouldn't be happy with a lot of the things she does...eg booking to take them on holidays or trips without checking with parents etc, I mean I have seriously lost count of the number of times we have had to cancel/rearrange our plans because mil has arranged something for the kids n we don't find out till the day before. I never had any right to have a say about it with DSC because they aren't mine so although if was annoying I just shrugged it off. I remember when I was pregnant saying to DP something on the lines of "I hope she doesn't think she can take over our baby like this"....n now I can see it beginning to happen.
Maybe once she sees that I'm not somebody who will palm my dd off on her at any given opportunity she might back off
cherry I totally understand why you are pissed off. My MIL was a bit like this, booking train tickets months in advance to come and see us during half term without checking first if we had anything planned (OH is a teacher). It really fucked me off as I like to do things last minute and often wanted to go away on holiday during those times but couldn't as she'd already booked her tickets. In the end I went and booked a holiday anyway. She was flabbergasted and never did it again!
I agree that the changing bum thing is very weird, and the drawer full of clothes. It's like she's a kid playing with Tiny Tears or something. Next time you go to hers you will have to have some phrases planned in your head. If she wants to change her nappy, say you have just done it on the car. If she says "but she likes it" say "No she doesn't actually", then keep tight hold of her and change the subject. As a last resort, go with your DD while the MIL changes her nappy, and insist on doing that every time. Maybe MIL will get message then and stop.
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