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to not go to a close friends wedding?

(137 Posts)
JadoreDior Sun 03-Feb-13 22:20:06

We have been friends since school and still see each other 2-4 times a month. Anyway she is getting married this year, it is an extremely small wedding. The only people invited to the ceremony are immediate family only and then they have invited close friends and their partners to have a meal afterwards.

She has sent me a text today to let me know the date, and they have decided to do it on a Friday, which means I will have to use my holiday time off work which is really precious to me as we are booking a summer holiday and also over Christmas we are going away and spending it with family.

There also wouldn't be any point of me going after work because the meal is at 3 and then people are just having drinks etc - there won't be a disco or anything kind of entertainment so I'm assuming people won't be staying that long after the meal is over.

Also I'm not invited to the ceremony (which is fine I understand why I'm not) but it would mean me losing a days holiday to just go to a meal.

aibu to not want to go?

KobayashiMaru Sun 03-Feb-13 22:21:45

one days holiday? not that close a friend then, evidently. Take a half day.

MortifiedAdams Sun 03-Feb-13 22:23:24

YABU if she is a close friend.

YABU. You're clearly not a close friend if you won't take half a day off work for her.

thistlelicker Sun 03-Feb-13 22:25:14

Clearly as her friend you can't respect her choice and r only thinking of yourself! Great friend you are!!

RubyrooUK Sun 03-Feb-13 22:26:43

I'd go. I think if only immediate family are going to the ceremony, this is a very small wedding indeed. And she is including her closest friends in a celebration meal afterwards. So she does want you to be part of a special day.

I think that is worth one day off work. It doesn't sound like it is intended as a snub in any way (just the wedding she feels comfortable with) and if you really are close friends, I imagine she'd be hurt if you didn't go because it wasn't even worth a day's holiday.

Hassled Sun 03-Feb-13 22:27:44

I really think you can take half a day's leave for a close friend's wedding meal.

Have you thought through how you'd feel if you were her? Have you thought through the fall-out of you not going?

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 03-Feb-13 22:29:38

You don't sound like a friend.

mirry2 Sun 03-Feb-13 22:31:37

OP I've been in your situation for a close relative. I didn't go as I didn't have any leave left and couldn't take unpaid leave. Nobody seemed to mind.

pictish Sun 03-Feb-13 22:32:29

I'd take it off.

LittleChimneyDroppings Sun 03-Feb-13 22:33:02

Very unreasonable of you. It doesn't sound as though you value her very highly.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Feb-13 22:34:14

I would take a half day of annual leave

How much leave do you get in a year ? 2 days ??

Dinosaurhunter Sun 03-Feb-13 22:35:38

You can't be that close !

Salmotrutta Sun 03-Feb-13 22:35:44

Clearly she considers you a close friend.

I wonder why? hmm

defineme Sun 03-Feb-13 22:36:21

assume you have to travel if you have to take the whole day off for a 3 pm meal?

I think, if you're a decent friend, you have to go.

Weddings (like funerals and christenings) to me are one of those traditions that give us the chance to celebrate with loved ones/ bind people together and particularly as this is a small one it's an honour to be asked.

I might be biased because I've been watching old videos today-it's lovely how certain friends have been with me to celebrate every step of the way...

mamalovesmojitos Sun 03-Feb-13 22:36:34

YABU

StinkyWicket Sun 03-Feb-13 22:38:20

I think it's a bit weird really that you won't take a half day off for a very close friend? If you can't as there is no leave available for that day, then fine, but you are stating that you won't rather than can't.

Bit mean I think. She must value you highly if you are invited to this very small wedding.

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 22:41:48

Meh! I'm going to sound like a major bitch here but YANBU!!
Heck I'm missing my close friend's wedding for a theatre festival - its one I go to and perform at every year and that she knows I do and often performs there herself - she's gone and booked her wedding right in the middle of it which (because of rehearsal constraints and travel costs etc) will mean DH and I wouldn't be able to perform there if I went to the wedding and my DS would miss his favourite show as it's the only day it's on during the festival.

If she wanted me there that badly she would of booked another date instead of the one Saturday she knows I always have a commitment!

Sorry to take over your thread OP, but I'm just saying that if your friend is a good friend she will understand how precious holiday time is and that you wouldn't want to use it up just to go for a meal.

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 22:45:36

(as an amendment to my 'rant' - I suffer from crippling depression and this theatre festival is the highlight of my year and doing the shows there is about the only time I ever socialise so missing it would be a really big deal for me. Missing one day is not an option because of distance.)

KC225 Sun 03-Feb-13 22:49:33

Wow pro-performer - you have friends.

Go to the wedding. There will be plenty of other holidays - one day in he great scheme of things, come on

SilverClementine Sun 03-Feb-13 22:52:45

If you were my bf, id be gutted at your reaction. YABveryU.

PickledInAPearTree Sun 03-Feb-13 22:57:27

Ouch YABU!

You only need a half day.

If you were my friend and you would book a half day for my wedding I would be gutted.

sooperdooper Sun 03-Feb-13 22:58:58

YABU you only need to take a half day, I'd be really hurt if a close friend didn't think my wedding was worth a half days holiday

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 22:59:10

Unfortunately I also have to take DH and DD in to account! If I went to the wedding for just the day I'd have to pay over £100 for travel and overnight stay on top of festival fees ( because of distance) which I can't afford as well as going so realistically it's festival or wedding.
There is no significance of the date for this friend or her partner and she knows it's the bit of the festival where we perform is the same time every year as she often does it herself - we are not the only people considering not going because of this! (Plus it's the only time I do get to see most of my friends in person and it's DS's first year he can perform which he's been looking forward to!) Believe me if there was any way to do both I'd be there but DH can't / won't do an 8 hour round trip in a day and we just can't afford extra overnight lodgings and/or for me to go alone by train.

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 22:59:35

Ds not DD! Doh

MortifiedAdams Sun 03-Feb-13 23:01:18

Pro, the festival happens every year
Your friends wedding will more than likely be a once in a lifetime event.

Therefore irrespective of anything you have said YABU. NOt that you asked.

Bearbehind Sun 03-Feb-13 23:11:02

Is anyone else struggling to see why the 'crippling depression' is relevant to Properformers excuse for not going to a wedding (on a thread she didn't start).

I do think the OP is BU, not everyone works Monday to Friday so a wedding on a Friday will suit some people. If the person getting married is good friend, you make sacrifices

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 23:11:19

Btw, I do realise that IAMU in many respects - unfortunately as I've said - I have to take my whole family in to account - If I go to this '1 day' then I have to cancel our yearly whole family holiday (DM, DF, PIL, DH, DS and me.) which we've booked in advance (possibly loosing some money) as cant afford to travel to the wedding from there for the day. So for me to go to the wedding I'd have to make DH and DS miss their holiday, or at the very least (as my mum has booked it and because of her work policy can't change holiday dates) won't have a holiday with my parents this year. It will also mean DS having to miss out on performing - you try explaining to a 4 year old that he now cant go on the holiday he's been looking forward to and talking about for a whole year because he has to go to a wedding! Honestly I'm praying for a windfall of money so I can afford a train fare to just go to ceremony and rush back!

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 23:20:23

bear it's relevant because I hardly ever go out as my depression is linked to 'social anxiety' and the festival is the only place I feel comfortable enough to socialise at ever. I never go out with friends and the only time I 'socislise' is at this festival - at a wedding I'd be sitting on my own (or with DS and DH) not doing much then leaving early!

Anyway - fwiw to the op 'IMHO' you really just have to sit and think it through from all angles. My decision isnt being taken lightly and I've taken it after talking to DH, my parents, PIL's, looking at finances, looking at train times, accommodation costs, holiday times, festival programme, lots of factors. A good friend won't hate you for not being there for one day - I actually told my friend what my thoughts are and she's disappointed but understands - as long as I can make her hen do which is set in stone in my diary!!

wiltingfast Sun 03-Feb-13 23:21:56

OP I think YABU and not v nice. Someone's wedding is a v big deal to them. This is a v small wedding. Of a close friend allegedly. Surely you have enough leave in the year to give your friend a half day? Will you not enjoy it? You have v odd priorities.

SilverClementine Sun 03-Feb-13 23:22:25

ProPerformer, you're not the OP, perhaps you should start your own thread rather than confuse the situation on this one.

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 23:27:25

SC - sorry if I have confused things! I'm logging off this now to leave it to the OP anyway. I won't start my own thread though as I believe situations like this can only be judged by people who know all the facts anyway. (fwiw - I may be U to my friend, I may not, but it's one or the other and DH and DS say holiday and it's my friend and we can't do both so... sad )

Anyway apologies OP!!

myfirstkitchen Sun 03-Feb-13 23:49:58

Properformer - oh dear. You and the OP are both VU and probably not worth a bag of sugared almonds anyway.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Mon 04-Feb-13 08:57:49

OP, I'm not sure I've ever read a thread where it is more clear that YABCOMPLETELYU. It's one sodding day (at most) of your annual leave and she is a good friend.

Even when I had the absolute minimum of holidays (20 days) I would still have happily booked a day off for a friends wedding. And if I had used all my holiday, I would have pestered asked my boss if I could take half a day unpaid or make the time up.

I got married on a Friday because it was booked at short notice for very good reason and everyone came. If a friend hadn't been able to get the time off I would have been disappointed but understanding. If they'd not come because they wanted to keep their precious holidays, I would have been gutted and would really have questioned the friendship.

Your friend clearly means very little to you if your one day annual leave is more important to you than her small, intimate wedding.

choceyes Mon 04-Feb-13 09:27:17

Wow you are are totally being unreasonable. One day of your annual leave for a close friends wedding and you can't make that sacrifice? Unbelievable.

notMarlene Mon 04-Feb-13 09:32:56

Yes, YABU not to take a 1/2 day off. TBH I think there must be other reasons why you want to avoid her / the wedding.

NopeStillNothing Mon 04-Feb-13 09:47:56

Pretty unanimous yabu OP.
If you are not willing to sacrifice one days holiday to attend a close friends wedding then she is obviously NOT a close friend.
In some situations I believe it is acceptable, pre-booked holiday, sickness, Friend marrying abroad, family bereavement etc. This is not one of them.

take the half day. or ask if you can do time in lieu

Picturesinthefirelight Mon 04-Feb-13 09:58:32

YANBU.

The world does not have to stop for a wedding

Dh and I work in industries where our holidays are mostly set. If people choose to get married on working days they have to realise that people will not always be able to take leave. Your op indicates that you need your leave for other things

Last year my cousin got married on a Friday in the school holidays. No children invited. It clashed with dd needing to be at an important 40 miles away rehearsal (lead part and the week before show opened) plus we had no childcare for ds as the rest if my family was at the wedding

We just didn't go.

MerryMarigold Mon 04-Feb-13 10:04:48

I think a matter of one day off your annual leave really can't make a huge dent. If you get even 20 days off a year (and you likely get more), then 1 day is equivalent to 5% of your holiday entitlement. That's not a lot for someone who obviously considers you a v close friend.

NopeStillNothing Mon 04-Feb-13 10:09:02

pictures your situation sounds a bit different from the op's. Your cousin chose a date that was very unsuitable to fit their own rule of no children so nobody can really judge you for not being able to find appropriate childcare.

The OP seems to be concentrating more on the fact that the meal is a bit 'pointless' which is what makes me feel that this friend is not actually that important.

RubyrooUK Mon 04-Feb-13 13:56:43

Pictures, that is a totally different situation. The OP has nothing planned but would prefer not to take any holiday to attend a weekday wedding.

I too work in an industry where global events dictate there are some times I would not be able to go to a wedding as my job relies on me being there. If that occurs, I have to decline an invite. That's life.

If attending a wedding just means taking a small amount of holiday to celebrate a once-in-a-lifetime event for someone you love, that's a different ask.

TheCraicDealer Mon 04-Feb-13 14:28:34

You can tell from the OP that she's listing excuses, not reasons. Everyone's holiday time is precious, but so are once-in-a-lifetime events such as the wedding of your close friend. You'll get another 20 days or whatever come April, your friend isn't going to get married again.

If you don't want to go, don't go. Just don't give "I didn't want to use a half day of my annual leave" as your excuse.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 04-Feb-13 14:54:23

If you genuinely don't have the leave to take YANBU. If you could take half a day then I think you probably should try to.

drizzlecake Mon 04-Feb-13 14:59:13

Just take a sick day and nip to the wedding yourself. Leaving early.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 15:00:11

I think I´d go-but I´d be gutted at not being invited to the ceremony.

I assume it´s not in a place where you can just turn up anyway?

EuroShagmore Mon 04-Feb-13 15:00:16

YABU. It's a small wedding and she has presumably invited the people she really wants there. It seems she was mistaken about the strength of your friendship!

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 15:07:02

Is this a reverse? I hate reverse AIBUs..

anyway OP you are being a shit friend abvu.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 15:08:44

I assume it´s not in a place where you can just turn up anyway?

Didl do you mean just show up to a wedding she wasn't invited to? shock

That would be incredibly rude, and awkward and probably piss off the family who were told no one but immediate family were invited.

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 15:15:45

Op YABU. It's not "just a meal" is it? It's effectively her wedding reception. You will see her in her dress, and share her happiness and raise a glass to her and her groom.

It's only a very small wedding so it's quite an honour to be asked. She obviously values you enormously or she wouldn't have included you on the very tiny guests list!

Don't be an old grump and sign the annual leave form!

RubyrooUK Mon 04-Feb-13 15:28:52

I also wondered if this was a reverse AIBU......where are you OP? Come back and respond!

BabyRoger Mon 04-Feb-13 15:33:26

You are obviously not close friends. A close friend would take 1 measly day or even half a day to go to their wedding.

ENormaSnob Mon 04-Feb-13 15:38:42

Yanbu

If you choose a weekday wedding then you accept people can't make it IMO.

In dh's last job just taking a random day off would've buggered up the years entitlement of holidays as Easter, Christmas and bank holidays were automatically off thus leaving 10 days to take at will.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 16:29:27

"Didl do you mean just show up to a wedding she wasn't invited to?"

Yes, why not?

I´ve been to church ceremonies where I have "only" been invited to the evening reception.

But as I put, I assume it´s not the sort of venue where that can happen.

NopeStillNothing Mon 04-Feb-13 16:37:22

If a wedding takes place in a church, I often go to the ceremony even if I'm only invited to the evening reception. That's because they're seen as 'public' and I didn't think people normally worry about numbers in the church. I wouldn't do it at a hotel or registry office though and certainly wouldn't turn up to the meal grin

Yfronts Mon 04-Feb-13 17:03:30

take half a day or a whole day unpaid?

Hobbitation Mon 04-Feb-13 17:11:15

YABU if it's just a case of using a bit of leave/taking unpaid leave, but in general I think if weddings are booked at short notice then you have to expect that people may already have plans.

I couldn't go to one close friends (second wedding) which she announced about a month beforehand because I had a work thing in a new job which couldn't be cancelled (having cancelled once before through illness). I was very gutted not to be able to go, normally I would have been there with bells on. I did go and see her and spend the weekend up there another time though.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 17:18:37

Yes, why not?

Because you aren't wanted there, that's why? Because other family will want to know why you were invited and not aunt so and so...because you don't go to places you aren't invited? confused Why do you feel entitled to go if you weren't asked? Why would you want to go if you know you aren't wanted?

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 17:24:55

A church is a public place and any old lady off the street can attend your wedding and there is nothing you can do about it. It's the same with many christenings- you often have the whole congregation there and you won't know them from Adam!

notMarlene Mon 04-Feb-13 17:25:42

Yeah, dropping into church weddings uninvited is 'allowed' in as much as they must be open to the public but it's damn odd to do so if specifically NOT invited.

FauxFox Mon 04-Feb-13 17:26:05

Be prepared to lose a friend if you don't go.

I got married the summer after I finished Uni and invited my best Uni friend. She never replied nor turned up and emailed after to say she didn't come because she wouldn't know anyone. I have done far more cringey things for people than go to a wedding and be pleasant and i'd said she could bring a plus one of her choice.

I never replied to her email and we've not spoken since. I wasn't over-reacting it just showed I obviously thought more of her than she did of me and it felt like a waste of time to pretend we were still friends.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 17:29:23

A church is a public place and any old lady off the street can attend your wedding and there is nothing you can do about it. It's the same with many christenings- you often have the whole congregation there and you won't know them from Adam!

Not saying you can't go, just saying going when you aren't wanted because you have no respect for the people gettin married seems mad to me. Either you care about them enough to respect their wishes or you don't in which case why waste your time at their wedding?

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 17:30:08

Yeah, dropping into church weddings uninvited is 'allowed' in as much as they must be open to the public but it's damn odd to do so if specifically NOT invited.

At my first wedding in a church, I had several old ladies at the back who'd heard there was a wedding. Did I mind? Not a bit.

If you want a private wedding, have it in a registry office or a hotel where you have more control. If control is your thing.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 17:31:15

fauxfox I think I could have forgiven someone who called and said they wouldn't attend due to feeling awkward, some people really struggle with bein on their own in social occasions... but to email after the fact and not respond to your invite was amazingly shit.

ModernToss Mon 04-Feb-13 17:32:04

I think you should stop referring to her as a 'close' friend if you won't even take one day off for what is (as someone else said) effectively her wedding reception.

YABVU.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 17:32:27

Oh well I´m damn odd then!

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 17:32:45

YOS have you seen any of the wedding threads? Qute often some people aren't invited because of numbers, (can only invite all first cousins, not second cousins..it has to be fair to everybody.) if someone then shows up it shows preferential treatment.

MerylStrop Mon 04-Feb-13 17:33:44

yanbu (if joyless and meanspirited)
but you do know it will be the end of your friendship if you don't go?

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 17:37:18

feminist- oh yes I never miss a wedding thread! Obviously if it is a small church bursting at the seams, then no, you can't get in, but in principal I don't think it's rude, especially if for example, you have travelled a long way for just the evening party or something.

notMarlene Mon 04-Feb-13 17:37:31

Mmm. Old ladies at the back is one thing (lovely), people who've effectively been specifically asked not to come is another. Surely?

Your close friend asked you to take half a days holiday on her wedding day!?

How dare she.

EuphemiaLennox Mon 04-Feb-13 17:42:06

The new trend for people getting married on Fridays, usually to keep their own costs down, but necessitating you taking annual leave, is rather annoying and unreasonable I find.

People used to get married at weekends for a good reason.

But if it's a really good friend I would do it.

WorriedMummy73 Mon 04-Feb-13 17:42:21

To turn up at a church service you've not been invited to smacks of a 'screw you, you can't tell me what to do' attitude and is incredibly rude. I would be seriously pissed off with someone who did that at my wedding!

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 17:44:36

I´ve never been "specifically asked not to come"!

I was invited to a work colleagues evening reception.

I went to the church to see her get married.

What´s wrong with that?

Anyone else who wanted to see her get married could do the same!!

But surely if she wanted you there she would have asked you confused

notMarlene Mon 04-Feb-13 17:48:13

Being invited to the evening reception only is clearly (to me) being asked not to come to the church confused

To my (seemingly odd) mind it'd be much less weird to go to the church when you hadn't been invited to any part of the wedding than to go when invited to a part of the wedding that doesn't include the ceremony.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 17:50:14

Being invited to the evening reception only is clearly (to me) being asked not to come to the church confused

Yes, exactly. Otherwise when they wen to the effort to give you an invite they would have put "wedding and reception". They didn't just run out of ink.

WorriedMummy73 Mon 04-Feb-13 17:54:57

*I went to the church to see her get married.

What´s wrong with that?*

You were clearly not invited but decided that what the bride (whose special and important day it was) wanted was less important than what you wanted! How utterly selfish and rude of you. If they'd wanted you there, they would have asked you to be there. You weren't asked, therefore you weren't wanted. are you not seeing why people have a problem with this?

smokinaces Mon 04-Feb-13 17:57:22

Ive gone to the church when I've only had an evening invite. Most of the time its because of the cost of the meal that restricts numbers - several times I've gone to church, seen the wedding, wished them well, gone home for tea and then gone back for evening reception. It's fairly common round here? Definitely not frowned upon, in fact one bride encouraged it in the end.

Op, if you don't have enough annual leave, take a half day unpaid. It's a close friend. It's worth it - just dont buy a new outfit or shoes etc and you'll be no worse off :-)

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 17:57:38

Blimey, I´m utterly selfish & rude now!!

smokinaces Mon 04-Feb-13 17:58:03

As in one bride encouraged it with other evening guests once we had mentioned idea

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 17:58:15

But surely if she wanted you there she would have asked you

Surely the bride doesn't own the church. If somebody specifically asked me not to go to a church to see them get married, I would question why they wanted me there at any part of the day.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 17:59:21

Well, that´s me told then!

notMarlene Mon 04-Feb-13 17:59:26

Me too YouOldSlag. I tend to politely decline evening only invitations.

NopeStillNothing Mon 04-Feb-13 18:04:40

I disagree, at my wedding the people I was willing to pay for the meal were invited to the 'whole day' starting at 1 in the church and moving on to the reception. Everyone else was invited to the reception at 7. This was just to avoid the confusion of inviting people to a 'broken event' rather than because I didn't want them at the church.
As it happened most people turned up to the church anyway and I was very touched and happy about that

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Mon 04-Feb-13 18:06:19

Many couples getting married don't do invites to the ceremony and evening do only because they recognise that it's rude to demand somebody's presence at the ceremony only to tell them to fuck off and amuse themselves while the meal is taking place, so restrict the official invite to the evening only. However, there are some who are happy for evening guest(s) to watch them get married if that's what the guest(s) would like.

It's not always that the couple don't want them at the ceremony just that they can't afford larger numbers for the sit down meal afterwards.

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 18:07:01

As smonkinaces said upthread, evening guests are usually not invited to the church as it is more to do with having to pay for people to attend the reception.

It's far ruder to invite someone to the church, send them away during the reception, then invite them back to the evening do.

If someone has had to travel up to attend an evening do, then I think it would be rude to insist that they do NOT watch you get married. That would be very rude, especially if they have travelled up and are at a loose end until the evening do.

If you like someone enough to invite them to your evening, it's really weird to ban them from seeing your ceremony.

It's like inviting them to share your joy and telling them to keep their nose out all at the same time.

PickledInAPearTree Mon 04-Feb-13 18:07:11

Is it a church? She may have been forced into asking family only if is a small registry office. I would have thought that was acceptable enough personally I know people that have done this rather than pick and choose from friends.

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 18:08:46

You were clearly not invited but decided that what the bride (whose special and important day it was) wanted was less important than what you wanted! How utterly selfish and rude of you. If they'd wanted you there, they would have asked you to be there. You weren't asked, therefore you weren't wanted. are you not seeing why people have a problem with this?

I bet your wedding was a hoot WorriedMummy73

WorriedMummy73 Mon 04-Feb-13 18:10:08

I'm not married...

Hobbitation Mon 04-Feb-13 18:15:42

We got married at the village church, and some neighbours/friends of PIL came to the ceremony. We didn't know them as such so wouldn't have invited them to the wedding, but they obviously knew of us through being friends with PIL and wanted to see their son/DIL tie the knot. I thought this was lovely. They had also planted flowers down the river bank in the wedding colours and helped MIL with the canapes and drinks.

Suttonmum1 Mon 04-Feb-13 18:18:15

YANBU. I had a small wedding on a Friday and would have completely understood any of the few friends I invited not wanting to take time off. Why do people blow these events out of all proportion?

YouOldSlag Mon 04-Feb-13 18:18:29

Hobbit- that's lovely. You see, that's the right attitude, not anger because a bride's wishes were not adhered to.

WorriedMummy73 Mon 04-Feb-13 18:20:18

I'm now going to have a mahoosive wedding and invite all of you! And it's going to be in OK! magazine and everything!!! Deep breath apologies for anger issues...

stifnstav Mon 04-Feb-13 18:23:39

Diddl, I'm with you. Going to see the ceremony when invited as an evening guest is totally normal behaviour!

On our wedding pics we have four rows in the back of the church full of evening guests! Plus some of my mum's work colleagues!

Its nice that they wanted to be there even if we couldn't extend daytime invites to everyone. You're normal Diddl!

EuphemiaLennox Mon 04-Feb-13 18:24:46

Lots of people who we only invited to the evening do came to the church to see us married.

It was heaving in the church, standing room only the back.

It was lovely.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 18:31:34

Well, I get that couples might not want/be able to afford everyone at the reception, but it never occurred to me that someone invited to the evening reception only wouldn´t be welcome at the ceremony-venue permitting, of course.

I rather looked on it as a kind thing to bother to do tbh-go to the ceremony, go home for hours & then go back to the party.

Ii had no idea that anyone would be so stressed about it.

stifnstav Mon 04-Feb-13 18:33:51

We are going to have to form some sort of underground evening guest ceremony attenders club, but obviously the first rule of our club is not to talk about the club.

<starts making badges for Euphemia and Diddl, wonders if we could be a quiche...>

Pancakeflipper Mon 04-Feb-13 18:34:37

Diddl - I have been to ceremonies at churches ( not yet gatecrashed a ceremony at a hotel yet).
And sometimes not even gone to the evening do.

It was the 'done' thing where I grew up as families couldn't possibly ask everyone from the local villages without bankrupting themselves.

The bride and groom would notify everyone the time of the ceremony and it was never seen as being rude to go.

I have done with work colleagues who just couldn't afford to invite us all to the day do but asked if we'd like to go to the service.

Nowt' odd about it at all. And I don't like weddings much.

Yama Mon 04-Feb-13 18:34:38

Threads like these make me think I'm an oddball.

YANBU op.

And by the way Copernicus called and it turns out that the bride and groom are not the centre of the universe.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 18:36:16

me in a quiche??
<faints>

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Mon 04-Feb-13 18:39:22

Well if I ever get married diddl you'll be welcome at mine. I'll even fit you into the reception wink

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Mon 04-Feb-13 18:42:21

I got married on a tuesday and no one but our parents and our 8 wo son were at the ceremony. We had a party at our house after and our close friends came and made a massive effort so i think yabu to call yourself a close friend if you wont make a similar effort.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 18:44:17

a quiche & a wedding invitation?
<faints again>

Katla Mon 04-Feb-13 20:06:21

I agree with Diddl if in a church then space permitting, anyone can see the ceremony. When I got married some of our neighbours and evening guests came to the church. I was happy about it. Cost of having everyone to the meal limits guest numbers but at least the ceremony free!!

OP I think your friend may be disappointed if you don't go - but they have chosen to have it on a Friday, plus you aren't being asked all day so those are the choices she made so you now have your choices to make too. If she was a close friend then I'd probably make an effort to go.

However, I've chosen not to go to my BIL foreign wedding in April because our baby is 5 months old then - we'd need a week away (due to flights) plus ceremony is at 5pm (so hardly worth the effort as I'll have to take the baby back to put to bed before the meal) - its their choice to have this kind of wedding - but they can't assume it fits with everyone elses ideas of worth the effort.

lockets Mon 04-Feb-13 20:14:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect Mon 04-Feb-13 20:20:57

I'd be a bit peeved at just being invited to the meal and not the wedding TBH.

NuclearStandoff Mon 04-Feb-13 21:16:23

Well the OP doesn't seem to care what anyone else thinks...

KenLeeeeeee Mon 04-Feb-13 21:20:47

YWNBU to not go if you couldn't get a day or half day's leave, or if it clashed with another important event to which you were already committed.

YABVVVU to say that your time off is "precious" and your friend's wedding, to which almost only family is invited, isn't precious enough for you to want to use a holiday day to attend.

MortifiedAdams Mon 04-Feb-13 21:31:47

I don't think the OP is coming back. Can't think why.

grin

Piecesofmyheart Mon 04-Feb-13 21:31:56

YANBU. if she considers you to be that close a friend she'd invite you to the actual 'wedding' part of the day.

And I also had loads of folks at the back of the church at my wedding - was lovely smile

YANBU. Why is the way you spend your holiday time less important than her saving money on her wedding by holding it on a Friday?

I'd understand a Friday wedding if it was a late family ceremony, with a quiet meal, then an evening do for everyone to turn up for on Friday night. That could be a good laugh.

If you hold a midweek wedding surely you have to accept that people won't make it due to work and family commitments?

PickledInAPearTree Mon 04-Feb-13 22:46:31

I would book a half day for a good friend NO problem at all. If you don't want to book it then they just aren't that close a friend.

All my close friends would do the same for me.

MrsDimples Mon 04-Feb-13 23:23:07

YANBU

I invited friends to my wedding, that lived a few hundred miles away from the venue and then told them not to bother for a ten minute service and meal afterwards if they didn't want to. No party either.

People make far too much fuss over weddings. It's the marriage that matters not one stupid day.

maddening Tue 05-Feb-13 00:37:28

If the meal is at 3pm could you not take a half day off?

WelshMaenad Tue 05-Feb-13 08:11:38

Any wedding ceremony has to be open to the public, whether in church or hotel/registry office/other venue. It's so people can object if they wish, you physically can't stop people attending. No such thing as a 'private' ceremony, by law.

I had lots of evening guests at my ceremony, and we married in the barn if a manor house. I popped a note in with evening invites saying that we were prevented by venue number restrictions from inviting everyone for the whole day but that we'd love to share the joy of our marriage ceremony with evening guests if they would like to come. Loads did. Also some of my friends parents came to watch me get married which I thought lovely, my mum likewise came to the ceremony to see my best friend get married last year, that was in a hotel too.

Failing to see the rudeness, really.

diddl Tue 05-Feb-13 10:17:52

I must admit I´m laughing at the thought of a bride going down the aisle saying:
"Oi!-out-you were only invited to the evening reception!",

"I don´t care how long you´ve been attending services here-I don´t want you at this public my ceremony.

YouOldSlag Tue 05-Feb-13 10:20:39

Exactly diddl. Brides need to realise that they don't control the entire universe and they don't own churches just because someone proposed to them.

diddl Tue 05-Feb-13 12:23:38

Looking back at the OP I see she has been actually excluded from the ceremony-so don´t worry, in that case I wouldn´t go!

Got caught up in the OPs obvious disappointment at that.

Why do people do that-exclude from the actual ceremony (if it´s not size related) but want you at the reception immediately afterwards?

I understand not being invited to the reception (wedding breakfast) but being invited to the evening party-just seems odd to be not to want those at the "wedding breakfast" also at the ceremony.

Well, as some of you seem to think, I have odd ideas anyway!

YouOldSlag Tue 05-Feb-13 12:26:21

I'd completely forgotten about the original OP. I was too busy slagging off bridezillas! smile

Anyway, where we were?

tropicalfish Wed 06-Feb-13 14:55:44

I think this could really affect your friendship.
I was in a position many years ago where I had to go to a very good friend's wedding in the highlands. It was in the middle of nowhere literally. At the time I was slightly annoyed that it was going to cost a huge amount to us at the time to go. However, took a week off travelled around the highlands and really enjoyed it.
25 years later we are still good friends.
If you dont go you will regret it for the rest of your life. If she is a truly good friend.
Also, there was another friend who invited me to her wedding which I would have to have got to on my own and it was a bit difficult because I had a young baby at the time so I didnt go and we lost touch.
I think that friends that value you enough to make time for you like she does are quite rare. I think you should go. - maybe you could make the time up if you havent got the annual leave.

atthewelles Wed 06-Feb-13 15:16:53

I thought it was quite common for people to go to the church to see the marriage ceremony, even if they weren't invited to the wedding. The reason for asking some guests to the evening only is to keep costs down. But they're not bumping up the costs by slipping into the back of the church. And as for other guests wondering why so and so was invited and so and so wasn't... it's always pretty clear from the way people are dressed who are there as wedding guests and who are there just to have a look and wish the B&G well..

DontmindifIdo Wed 06-Feb-13 15:29:50

diddl - in DH's cousin's case, it was because she's terrified of standing up in front of a large number of people, and just family on both sides was over 70 people before they looked at inviting friends. She wanted to just have both sets of parents and both sets of siblings for the ceremony, then was happy to have 150+ people for the reception, just not the actual bit when she had to talk in front of them (v shy).

I've known a few people have "just witnesses" at the wedding then hold a big reception, it's normally down to wanting to keep it private.

Re turning up to the church to watch the wedding anyway, does seem odd that there's a group from my parents' church who go to every wedding, regardless of if they know the bride and groom or not because they are 'allowed too' - the fact that it's a small church and if the wedding guests are large in number that means there's only standing room avaialble doesn't seem to phase them. Always seems odd.

Mind you, not as odd as the group who go along to funnerals of people they've never met - they are proper bonkers those lot... (we had 6 at my Gran's funneral)

fromparistoberlin Wed 06-Feb-13 15:42:49

erm, another to say NOONE is going to wedding, so hardly an exclusion

if you value her, take a bloody half day off

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 15:49:12

Of course people are going to the wedding!

Essentially, OP is being asked to take time off to go out for a meal!

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Wed 06-Feb-13 15:49:38

I thought it was quite common for people to go to the church to see the marriage ceremony, even if they weren't invited to the wedding.

It probably is. I just think it's rude to formally invite someone to a ceremony but then expect them to amuse themselves while you feed your 'more important' guests and then come back later in the day. It doesn't feel right to me.

Having said that if people turned up at my mythical wedding ceremony having not been invited it wouldn't bother me in the slightest so long as there was room for my invited guests iyswim. Not that I could ever see myself getting married in a church and people don't seem to turn up at registery offices/hotels etc.

But I digress...again. In the case of the OP I couldn't see myself inviting a good friend for the meal but not the ceremony*. If my good friend is important enough to be at the mean s/he is important enough to be at the ceremony which may be why I'm a bit confused at some of the replies saying the OP isn't a good friend if she doesn't go. Good friendships work both ways.

*The only exception I can think of is if I got married abroad and had the meal on a separate date and location.

After all that OP I would probably book (half) the day off and go but I wouldn't say you're not a good friend if you don't.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 15:53:51

Well it seems odd to me also that a good friend wouldn´t be invited to the ceremony.

As I put earlier, I´d be gutted as to me it´s-er, well what the day is all about!

PickledInAPearTree Wed 06-Feb-13 15:57:40

Brides can't win in here though. I know a few ceremonies that have been family only and friends when to the whole day apart from that. What's the big deal? It's better than asking them to the service and saying but I'm not paying for your meal.

I'd book a half day off for shops friend for a multitude of reasons, all this begrudgy shit I just don't get it.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 16:00:00

Well for me, I wanted everyone I cared about there when I took my vows.

PickledInAPearTree Wed 06-Feb-13 16:01:40

Everyone is different. There are many reasons why people might not think the same.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 16:03:55

Yes we are all different-which is why some would happily go to the meal, some would grudgingly go and some not go at allgrin

PickledInAPearTree Wed 06-Feb-13 16:06:46

I just can't imagine if its proper actual good friend getting all sweaty about a few hours off going for a meal.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 16:11:29

But I can´t imagine a good friend being specifically not invited to the ceremony.

So as OP has put-it´s a day´s holiday for a meal.

Sounds to me as if she´s disappointed & perhaps thinks she´s not as good a friend to the bride as she thought she was?

PickledInAPearTree Wed 06-Feb-13 16:33:42

Op says its fine she understands why she's not invited to ceremony. So there seems a valid reason.

Therefore no need for begrudgy nonsense. If the meals at three she could probably wangle working through her lunch and making up the time I would say.

Miffy nonsense I tell you!

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 16:40:45

Yes, but still doesn´t mean she isn´t disappointed.

I know I would be-but hopefully I´d also care enough to want to celebrate her wedding day.

PickledInAPearTree Wed 06-Feb-13 16:47:22

Good! I've done loads for friends weddings been on hen dos all over stuffed baby tomatoes with cream cheese, worn mingy bridesmaid dresses.

If I get any nonsense when I get married there will be moider!

StuntGirl Wed 06-Feb-13 17:02:24

You don't sound like a close friend OP if a days annual leave is worth more to you than wishing her well on her wedding day.

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