Splitting rent into thirds as one partner has a child? Red flag????

(123 Posts)
Donttrustmyselfanymore Sun 03-Feb-13 22:02:58

My friend is planning to move in with her boyfriend of a year.
She has a 3 year old dd from a previous relationship.

Her and her partner earn roughly the same money, they were going to go halves on bills rent etc but now he has changed his mind and he says he should only pay a third of the rent, gas electric etc as she has dd.

He will be moving into her 2 bed flat that she has been running alone for 4 years so it wouldn't be a struggle for her financially.

I find this really odd, he knows she has a child and that child is 3 years old ffs! and to me it shows resentment already.

Is this a red flag or fair. I'm not sure what to say to her tbh.

Pickles101 Sun 03-Feb-13 22:04:14

Red flag. What a pig.

issimma Sun 03-Feb-13 22:05:11

Big huge scarlet flag.

RafflesWay Sun 03-Feb-13 22:05:33

Definite red flag! Wouldn't touch him with a 90ft barge pole! What a totally crappy attitude towards the toddler of the woman he SUPPOSEDLY loves! No WAY!! FREELOADER BIG TIME!

manicbmc Sun 03-Feb-13 22:05:47

Red flag - great big one.

She needs to not have him move in. It will be a disaster.

BookWormery Sun 03-Feb-13 22:06:05

Red flag.

DeepRedBetty Sun 03-Feb-13 22:06:33

Red flag. Sorry. Possibly fair if he pays a bit less on electric etc as dd could be said to be generating extra costs for laundry, baths, but not the rent, council tax or other fixed costs.

pictish Sun 03-Feb-13 22:07:50

Omg...yes...red flag.

TraineeBabyCatcher Sun 03-Feb-13 22:08:47

Red flag regardless of circs. If they're moving in together they're obviously far enough into a relationship to be pretty much sharing the responsibility of the child, regardless of whos child it is. If he can't deal with the responsibility he shouldn't be moving in with her.

CaptChaos Sun 03-Feb-13 22:09:39

Red Flag



This will end REALLY badly

FergusSingsTheBlues Sun 03-Feb-13 22:10:30


That poor child.

scooterchik Sun 03-Feb-13 22:10:32

For her dd sake i hope she does not go through with this sad That sounds completely unreasonable. Surely that thought would not go through the mind of a person in love???!!!

CloudsAndTrees Sun 03-Feb-13 22:12:02

Tell her she's a mug.

bettybyebye Sun 03-Feb-13 22:12:10

Definite red flag.

Has your friend said if she feels this is odd/unreasonable?

sausagesandwich34 Sun 03-Feb-13 22:13:19

is it her flat that she is paying a mortgage on or is it a council flat/private rental

if she is paying a mortgage then I don't think he should be paying half unless she puts his name on the mortgage -which would be very foolish

same if she is renting -if he's not added to the rental agreement then why should he pay half when he has no legal rights to the property?

ThePathanKhansWitch Sun 03-Feb-13 22:14:10

Oh yes, fuckery of the highest order.

Show her this thread. I wonder if he' ll suggest seperate food cupboards?.

BertieBotts Sun 03-Feb-13 22:16:42

If she has a child and he's moving in then he's making a commitment to her AND the child - he's going to be a big part of her DD's life if he lives with her, he's effectively taking on the role of "stepdad". So IMO he should be considering her his responsibility as well, not making her solely your friend's responsibility.

The child is 3. Therefore (unless she is a child model or something) she has no income. So it is completely and utterly unreasonable to factor her in as a contributing economic partner. Tell your friend to wise up and kick this cocklodger out.

LittleChimneyDroppings Sun 03-Feb-13 22:18:15

Red flag.

mrsbunnylove Sun 03-Feb-13 22:19:48

don't know what you mean by 'red flag'. warning sign? definitely.

SirIronBottom Sun 03-Feb-13 22:21:00

Red flag! You move in together, you pool your finances, you budget together.

sparkle9 Sun 03-Feb-13 22:23:28

Sounds like a big red flag. It would be different if her earnings were significantly higher than his.

Donttrustmyselfanymore Sun 03-Feb-13 22:25:28

Thank you for all your replies, that's what I thought. The flat is privately rented and she was going to put him on the rental agreement. This has made her have second thoughts so ill definitely be telling her to trust her gut. He made her dd dinner once and goes on about it like he deserves a medal. He also goes on to anyone that will listen about what a great guy he is for 'supporting' another mans child, although to date he has paid nothing towards her dd and my friend gets child support from dd's dad and her dad has her twice a week all very amicable tbh. She has always been very independent and I don't l

Donttrustmyselfanymore Sun 03-Feb-13 22:27:13

Sorry posted to soon.

I don't like the way he acts like he's 'saved her from her life, as her life was awful before she met him' His words! Made me feel a bit hmm

SirBoobAlot Sun 03-Feb-13 22:27:57

He sounds like a fucking twat. She's coped as a single mum before, and she'd be better off doing so again. Anyone that wants praise for being involved in a child's life, when they should see it as a privilege, is not a good person to get involved with, for the mother or the child.

Huge red flag. A hundred of them.

sausagesandwich34 Sun 03-Feb-13 22:28:05

they aren't moving in together, he is moving into her flat

her security, her's and her child's home

I'm a LP, I would not want a man moving into MY house to pay half as I wouldn't want them thinking they had a claim on the property that I have worked bloody hard to provide a safe and secure home for my DCs

What if she had 4 dcs that he wasn't the parent of and therefore needed a 3/4 bed house -would everyone still expect him to pay half?

TheSecondComing Sun 03-Feb-13 22:28:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Feb-13 22:31:06

If she dumps this bloke, she will have dodged a massive bullet. Tell her that from MN. Any bloke that puts himself forward as knight in shining armour "rescuing" a single mother from a life of shame and penury wants kicking right up the arse.

Sounds like the boyfriend has changed his mind?
At least she found out before she put his name on the rental agreement and moved in.
What does the DDs father say though? Is he on board with another man 'supporting his child' (even though it doesn't sound like he does hmm

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sun 03-Feb-13 22:35:54

"What if she had 4 dcs that he wasn't the parent of and therefore needed a 3/4 bed house -would everyone still expect him to pay half?"

Yes I would. 2 adults, taking on joint responsibility for the home. Together, equally. If he can't do that then it's not an equal partnership.

LIke the 3 year old can contribute.... hmm

pictish Sun 03-Feb-13 22:35:54

Yikes - he sounds dreadful.

Tell her if nothing else (and I would be encouraging her to rethink the relationship) tell her to keep the lease in her name only. For self preservation.

minouminou Sun 03-Feb-13 22:37:03

Please come back and tell us your friend has sacked this arsepart right off.

Booyhoo Sun 03-Feb-13 22:40:07

show her this thread. just to confirm her own feelinga that this isn't right at all.

Unless he is massively goodlooking and phenomenal in bed (which might turn quite a lot of people's heads), once your friend has told him to fuck off, she might want to spend a bit of time working on her self-esteem. Because anyone who was seriously contemplating sticking with a man like this who wasn't stunningly gorgeous with a diamond-plated dick would probably be falling into the mistaken mindset that a man is essential, and any old knobber is better than being single.

This reminds of the thread where the OP did not want to pay for her DD in the caravan.....

Does seem strange though, and if that is his mindset then he doesn't sound like a keeper, so probably better off telling him to sling his hook.

NatashaBee Sun 03-Feb-13 23:14:08

In general, big red flag. However, does the child's father contribute anything? If so, I think it's reasonable to expect some of that to go towards the running of the house. It's a bit clinical to divide it into thirds without any discussion though, and probably a sign of how things will go in the future.

Donttrustmyselfanymore Sun 03-Feb-13 23:16:07

Will definetly show this to her tomorrow. I think she feels embarrassed and unsure of who is right/wrong, and she doesn't want him or anyone else to think she is taking advantage of him. Neither or us have ever heard of anyone else with this problem iykwim. But I agree he's a twat. I'm so glad I discovered mumsnet.grin

Narked Sun 03-Feb-13 23:16:41

Massive red flag.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Feb-13 23:17:08

Bear, I was going to ask if this was a follow up to the holiday money split thread (where OP finally came around to common sense after several pages of obstinate rebuttals)

there is no real comparison to a holiday and a supposedly permanent arrangement though

CheCazzo Sun 03-Feb-13 23:18:17

OP has said the child's father pays support.

Please tell your friend what's been said here and ask her to reconsider - the whole thing sounds like a disaster looming on the horizon - it's in her power to stop that.

Donttrustmyselfanymore Sun 03-Feb-13 23:22:08

natashabee dd's real dad pays child support every month, and has her 2 days per week

The thing that makes me feel uncomfortable is he wants to start a family with her/get married. So surely if he's this seriously he wouldn't begrudge something like this, just seems a bit weird to me.

AllYoursBabooshka Sun 03-Feb-13 23:25:56

He would be getting a third of my boot up his arse.

If he moves in this won't end well, for her or her DD. Is the little girls dad aware of the lies he is telling in regards to supporting his child?

Your poor friend.

almostanotherday Sun 03-Feb-13 23:29:08

Red flag!

So when they have a child of their own, will he renegotiate the deal?

As I said, doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

HopingItllBeOK Sun 03-Feb-13 23:36:03

To give your friend some outside perspective: I was a lone parent to 2 DSs for several years. After I had been with DP for around 3 years, we began to discuss moving in together. What we discussed was who would move in with who, what would cause the least disruption for the children and what would provide the most stable home for the future, for all of us.

As it happens, my DP was working, I had just finished a degree and hadn't found work yet so was on benefits. The subject of money did come up, but only in so far as whether we should pool all money as family money, split the bills proportionally according to our respective incomes and divvy the bills that way and whether to leave the bills in the name of whoever had the house we decided to all live in and have the other partner give money towards them or have all hills put in joint names and make a joint account to pay them all.

There was never a mention of "there is 3 of you and 1 of me so I should only pay 1/4 of the bills" of that when we moved in with him, he would lose his council tax reduction so I should compensate him for that. If he had, I would have been up and over the hills before he could blink, not just running for them.

That doesn't mean I expected him to fund my lifestyle, it means that making a commitment to move in with someone who has children means making a commitment to those children as well, financially as well as in terms of time.

MollyMurphy Sun 03-Feb-13 23:36:25

That flag is outright on fire IMO.

TraceyTrickster Sun 03-Feb-13 23:42:27

The bit which would make me very wary is the 'supporting another man'd child'.
Lots of people do this. It is not a medal winning activity...it is a feature of modern life.

Dump him

Booyhoo Sun 03-Feb-13 23:44:21

i wonder does he intend to split the grocery shopping into thirds aswell, or the toiletries shopping. what about if they go out for a meal as a family?

"your dd uses more shampoo than me so that works out at you owing 90p and me owing 30p" hmm


Splitting into thirds as if the 3 year old is responsible for her finances. Will he allow her to pay her share in chocolate coins?

If my relationship with another man was serious to the point that he was moving in - I would damn well hope he was taking on my DD too (not totally because I know she still has a relationship with her dad but at least act responsibly towards her)

Genuinely shocked at this. I would change my plans about moving in - he's either very immature or he's a nasty piece of work who doesn't like step children!

Granitetopping Sun 03-Feb-13 23:45:31

Red red red red flag.

He already has issues by picking a woman who may feel grateful that he has chosen her.

Don't let your friend put his name on the rental agreement. When they split up, he will use mental abuse to force her to leave by making it impossible to live there and he will keep the flat.

He will be cruel to her DD when she is left alone with him. There will be lots of unexplained bruises.

I expect this man has a history of forming relationships with lone parents. Your friend is not the first.

I am seen this situation time and time again.

Tell your friend to get away from him both for her and DDs safety.

Mimishimi Mon 04-Feb-13 00:03:41

Hmmm... And does he expect her three year old to pay her share? Especially since it's her flat, I'd be telling him to bugger off quite frankly.

PaellaUmbrella Mon 04-Feb-13 00:08:35

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read.

What does the 3 year old do for a living then, clean chimneys?
I assume if they have a child of their own they'll split it 4 ways?

Seenenoughtoknow Mon 04-Feb-13 00:26:30

What an arse. My DH moved in with myself and DD from previous relationship and has NEVER mentioned having to pay for anything for her and when her own father wouldn't, he even gave her spending money for a school trip

He has his own DC's from a previous marriage (whom he pays maintenance for) and we have another DC together now and he treats them all no differently.

I guess that's the difference between a man and a manchild...

babanouche Mon 04-Feb-13 00:52:39

RED flag.

Big fucking SCARLETT flag.

He sounds awful.

"This has made her have second thoughts so ill definitely be telling her to trust her gut."
So glad to hear that she sees that red flag waving already!

"they were going to go halves on bills rent etc but now he has changed his mind and he says he should only pay a third"
So, as far as he is concerned, this is not something that is discussed and agreed mutually, he just gets to unilaterally change the (implied) agreement? That is another even bigger red flag than his pasimony. What-I-want-is-what's-going-to-happen. <shudder>

And the rest of what you wrote :

"he acts like he's 'saved her from her life, as her life was awful before she met him' His words!"
So now he's making stuff up? Her life sounds OK to me (amicable relations with financially responsible ex). I really do not like that. He's rewriting her history in his mind - that strikes me as a precursor to rewriting it in hers; all just a little bit gaslighting-y.

"He made her dd dinner once and goes on about it like he deserves a medal. He also goes on to anyone that will listen about what a great guy he is for 'supporting' another mans child, although to date he has paid nothing towards her dd"
So again, he is lying rewriting history. I always think when people do that it's because they want to use it as ammo later, when the 'rewritten' partner stands up for themselves over some piece of the rewriter's nonsense.

Sorry, but I get a really bad feeling about this bloke, so again I am really glad that your friend is having second thoughts. I do hope she acts on them and cools the relationship, he sounds as if he is very bad news.

andubelievedthat Mon 04-Feb-13 01:02:57

Not so much red flag , more q the exit strategy , (imo)

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 04-Feb-13 01:16:41

Massive huge red flag.

Sounds like a cock lodger and wanker of the highest order. I wouldn't walk away from this one I would run.

ReturnOfEmeraldGreen Mon 04-Feb-13 01:44:53

Red flag. Arse. Get rid.

BadLad Mon 04-Feb-13 02:11:55

He will be cruel to her DD when she is left alone with him. There will be lots of unexplained bruises.

I'd agree that his attitude is a red flag, but this a bit of a leap.

GothAnneGeddes Mon 04-Feb-13 03:34:02

Ring the alarm and raise the red flag. He sounds like the iceberg to your friends Titanic.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 03:34:31

Big shiny, and almost glowing red flag

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 03:44:35

What if she had 4 dcs that he wasn't the parent of and therefore needed a 3/4 bed house -would everyone still expect him to pay

What if the op had a modified house to home her giraffe?

Are we just making up scenarios or answering the one the ops friend is actually in? because we are talking about one 3 year old here. Not half the rent on a 4 bed house.

AThingInYourLife Mon 04-Feb-13 03:48:48

"What if the op had a modified house to home her giraffe?"


Brilliant - I will think of this often when people do the alternative scenario thing.

Other than that I agree with WhereYou.

riveroise Mon 04-Feb-13 04:01:20

Ok, so he's a cheapskate, but the real red-flag is his attitude towards the little girl.

OP, I think your friend should very carefully consider her little girls wellbeing and future happiness and not move this arse in. If this is his attitude to the child now, I dread to think what it could be like once the honeymoon period has worn off, and he has revealed his true character. I think your friend has just seen glimpses of it so far.

If she goes ahead and moves him in, please tell her not to have him on the tenancy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Feb-13 08:26:45

He's clearly a freeloader. If she really wants to move in with him - and it often happens regardless of well-meant advice - then at the very least she should not put him on the rent, utility bills or anything else that would indicate ownership. She should keep her own bank accounts and have him pay his share via Standing Order. If he's only playing 'lodger money' then he gets treated as a lodger not a partner. And for goodness sake tell her to make sure she doesn't have a baby with this idiot. Always a bad idea to be financially reliant upon a man but this one would make her life hell.

MusicalEndorphins Mon 04-Feb-13 08:46:33

I agree with the post above me by CogitoErgo

at the very least she should not put him on the rent, utility bills or anything else that would indicate ownership. She should keep her own bank accounts and have him pay his share via Standing Order. If he's only playing 'lodger money' then he gets treated as a lodger not a partner.

riveroise Mon 04-Feb-13 08:49:37

I agree with CogitoErgo as well.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Mon 04-Feb-13 08:59:27

He sounds like a complete fuckwit. Your friend would be best rid of him.
Red flag without a doubt.

TroublesomeEx Mon 04-Feb-13 09:02:53

Big Red Flag.

Cogito is right.

Erimentha Mon 04-Feb-13 09:18:14

Red flag, and a twat to boot. He doesn't sound like someone she really needs in her life.

KeatsiePie Mon 04-Feb-13 09:22:22

The rent thing is bad enough, but he's going around LYING about how he's supporting "another man's child"? EW. NO.

The man himself is a walking, talking red flag.

Spero Mon 04-Feb-13 09:23:37

Massive furling scarlet banner. In my extensive experience, meanness with money is an almost infallible indicator of global twattishness. He is a nasty piece of work and his behaviour will get worse.

CinnabarRed Mon 04-Feb-13 09:30:18

If she does go ahead, blinded by love, tell her to save a good chunk of whatever he pays her. She doesn't need it now because she's managing on her own, but it's very easy to get used to the extra income, make financial commitments, and then find it's ten times harder to extract yourself when the relationship goes tits up. If she's saved his contribution then (i) she's not got used to spending it; and (ii) she's got a nice little escape fund ready if she ever needs it.

DrCoconut Mon 04-Feb-13 09:41:12

DS1 is not DH's biological child. DS2 is. But we just get on with bringing them both up and always have. We just pay for things as needed from what we have. DH's parents also treat both boys the same which is lovely. Any form of "attitude" towards a child is definitely a warning sign to me.

Dahlen Mon 04-Feb-13 09:44:21

Serious red flag. Any man who thinks he's 'saved' his partner from a terrible life rather than considering himself lucky to have her is a man who is going to display an incredible sense of entitlement over said partner.

He's waltzing in to her home twirling a humungous red flag and wearing red flag underpants. I hope she reconsiders having a relationship with such a mean minded fuckwit.

tethersend Mon 04-Feb-13 09:53:26

More red flags than Lenin doing semaphore.

KeatsiePie Mon 04-Feb-13 10:09:27

Ha ha ha tethers!

kim147 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:11:47

You know that scene from the Railway children:


oldraver Mon 04-Feb-13 10:29:10

So if he wants to start a family with her, what split would he then propose for rent etc ? tell her not to even find out

Whole bunting of the fucking red things, tell her if he's good in bed & fun to have around then great keep him as a BF/lodger but nothing more.

TheCraicDealer Mon 04-Feb-13 12:48:11

Another one who agrees this is a whole load of red flags.

Tell her what Cogito says, he doesn't get partner's rights on tenant's money.

Sashapineapple Mon 04-Feb-13 13:16:45

He sounds like a dick. Tell your friend she deserves and can do better than a knobhead freeloader like that.

Viviennemary Mon 04-Feb-13 13:27:06

He sounds an absolute nightmare. She shouldn't bother moving in with him if that is his attitude. A three year old paying a third share of the rent. What next!

Red Flag.

"she doesn't want him or anyone else to think she is taking advantage of him"

So she lets him take advantage of her and her child.

Is he also going to just pay 1/3 of bills/utilities/groceries? Or let HER pay all the groceries, because it is HER child?

She should definitely not get pregnant by him unless she has lived with him years and years and he has shown himself to be a fair and reasonable man.

Jamillalliamilli Mon 04-Feb-13 13:47:00

I don’t have a flag huge or red enough!

I'm from the world this blokes from where his behaviours normal and women accept it and children pay for it. Don't join it!

He see’s your friend as unequal, cheap to acquire, and ought to be grateful for him, ‘being prepared to take her on,’ and her fears of ‘being seen as taking advantage’ make her ripe for the picking for this sort of bloke, he's moving up, she's moving down. He will mistake it for low self esteem, and when she realises she’s been actually paying for some his behaviour towards her, it will become true.

God knows how he’ll see her daughter, especially when he tells her of or to be gratefull for something, and she starts saying ‘but you don’t pay for that/ me, my Daddy does!’ The wedge between mum and daughter will be in place swiftly in this relationship.

If she must do this, give him no legal rights what so ever, keep everything very separate and please don’t have a child with him, imagine when her daughter gets given less, (or more) than his because the half sibling is another man's child.

ArtsMumma Mon 04-Feb-13 16:01:29

Red Flag!!!!

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Mon 04-Feb-13 16:31:00

Big, huge, mammoth red flag.

She shouldn't be grateful to him for taking on her and her DD. He should be grateful to her that she has allowed him into her DD's life.

Tell her...do not move in with him.

expatinscotland Mon 04-Feb-13 16:33:09

A mean, cheap low-life isn't boyfriend material. This is a huge red flag. Grounds for dumping, IMO. NOW.

SuffolkNWhat Mon 04-Feb-13 16:52:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hesterton Mon 04-Feb-13 17:36:29

Ok, he sounds like he does dickwhittery.

But does he pay to maintain another child? And if so does all that come out of the joint pot?

expatinscotland Mon 04-Feb-13 17:52:04

I really feel for her child. She needs to get away from this git and not date again until she works on her self-esteem.

Spero Mon 04-Feb-13 17:55:56

I don't inderstand your comment hesterton. He seems to be saying that a three year old will use one third of the gas, electric and take up one third of the floor space - which is impossible.

But this shouldnt be a case of equitable accounting - that is what is making alarm bells ring for me. His partner has a child and thus he wants her to contribute more to a joint set up? What weird kind of accounting would they do if they had a child together?

Squitten Mon 04-Feb-13 17:59:11

Nope, not a red flag.

It's a HUGE, FLASHING warning beacon with a wailing siren on top. I sincerely hope she is not stupid enough to have a child with him. Imagine what he'll be like then!

Hesterton Mon 04-Feb-13 18:10:46

Sorry, I was agreeing he sounded horrible. But also wondering - hypothetically - if it was the case that he had maintanance to pay should that get included in all the bills to be split 50/50 or would he pay that himself out of the remainder of his income? If he was not a dick in the first place I mean.

Spero Mon 04-Feb-13 18:26:47

You have to distinguish between your obligation to support your child and the obligation to pay for the roof over your head. If two adults share a house I would be expecting them to contribute in fair shares to rent and utilities. I don't see how you can put children in that equation.

Megatron Mon 04-Feb-13 18:29:00

Red flag from me too.

Scrazy Mon 04-Feb-13 18:31:23

The child doesn't have an income. It should be 50/50 and your friend will begin to resent him in time because of being tight with money.

Hmm, if he had a child already, I dont think the OP should pay this childs maintenance, and rent would still be 50/50 even if dp had his dc staying for contact.... It is different to pay towards a child, and sharing rent costs between adults. The mum in this case would not want boyfriend to pay towards the keep of her dd, only go halves like adults on the rent, utilities and cost.

RSVP Mon 04-Feb-13 19:41:13

Fuckwit flag

expatinscotland Mon 04-Feb-13 19:46:10

Far easier not to bother arguing with a skinflint and dump them.

I really, really hope she's using good contraception.

Is he thinking that because she has a child, then he is paying towards the cost of a two bedroom flat, rather than a one bedroom?
I can't see how else his mind is working otherwise.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 04-Feb-13 19:58:48

Tell her to get rid.
And change her phone number,
And meet a real man.

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 04-Feb-13 21:04:41

She needs to think about her child and protect her. Get rid!

Uppermid Mon 04-Feb-13 21:06:52

She should see this as a blessing. She's had a warning before he moves in. Do not let him move in. This is more than a red flag!!!!

Adversecamber Mon 04-Feb-13 21:26:35

She needs to dump him and quickly, what a vile excuse of a man. I actually think it could get a lot worse.

OxfordBags Mon 04-Feb-13 22:14:01

There are more red flags all over this than a celebration of Chairman Mao, FFS. You are totally right that it is even more dodgy that he's harping on about startung a family with her. I can just foresee that poor little girl being treatedlike a second class citizen in her own home, brrrrr.

Tell her to get rid of this cuntweasel. He is clearly a man unfit to be an influence in any child's life, never mind being a cocklodging knobber.

Donttrustmyselfanymore Tue 05-Feb-13 00:28:20


Just an update. I showed this thread to my friend today. Tbh I think she is relieved! She thought she was going crazy/being unreasonable. She said she has been unhappy for a while but couldn't put her finger on why. I doubt very much if he will still be around by the end of the week let alone move in! So thank you grin xx

Seenenoughtoknow Tue 05-Feb-13 00:35:09

Hooray! grin wine

echt Tue 05-Feb-13 00:38:24


For my part, I am inclined to agree with OxfordBags pithy summing up.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 05-Feb-13 01:06:41

Well done her

GothAnneGeddes Tue 05-Feb-13 01:21:30

Yippee! I came on here looking for an update, very pleased for your friend.

Uppermid Tue 05-Feb-13 06:18:24

That's excellent news. She's doing the right thing. I hope he goes quietly

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 08:24:34


Chalk #1 for mumsnet grin

Excellent. It might also be worth telling her that if this man won't go away, it's fine to involve the plolice to make him do so (ie if he starts bombarding her with phonecalls and texts, or turns up on her doorstep, she can report him for harassment. If he turns up at her flat and won't leave, she can call the police to come and physically drag him away.)

It probably won't come to that, he will probably just slink off whining into the night, but if it does, that's one of the things the police are for - to remove arsehole men.

Yaaay for MN !

( AND you OP!!)


Spero Tue 05-Feb-13 17:24:02

thank goodness. If she really likes him, she needs to sit down and have a conversation where he explains WHY in more detail that he suggested this one third split. I think his answers will give her all the illumination she needs.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 17:29:30

Nah, I think she just needs to get shut of him. No need to thrash it out any longer.

expatinscotland Tue 05-Feb-13 18:29:34

He's given her enough of a warning long before this 1/3 split shite. Dump for the sake of herself and her daughter. NOW.

aufaniae Tue 05-Feb-13 18:48:00

We sublet two rooms in our home.

We divide rent per room, but we do count DS the same as an adult for utility bills (he has more baths than me and we're forever washing his clothes, so seemed fair!)

However, the difference here is that our flatmates are exactly that - they have no responsibility or care towards DS.

A live-in partner is not a flatmate. They are sharing your life, and if you have DCs that includes helping to look after them. That he doesn't want to help with the financial side of things is a massive red flag!

I can see she's (hopefully!) going to LTB now. It may not feel like it now, but he's inadvertently done her a favour by showing his true colours I think. She's had a lucky escape!

She has, but also, well done her for being smart enough to take the warning and get rid. Some women would still be floundering around going 'But he's lovely reeeeeely, he bought me a bunch of flowers from the petrol station last year, and I hate not having a boyfriend...'

ouryve Tue 05-Feb-13 18:55:13

A real red flag.

I would not even give him a key.

ouryve Tue 05-Feb-13 18:56:01

And glad to get the the last page and find out that she's seen sense.

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