To grass up my sister

(76 Posts)
FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Sun 03-Feb-13 21:57:47

I don't like her. I need to get that out before I ask if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister has never managed her finances well. She has been managing the minimum repayments on her loans/credit cards for some years whilst living rent free in my parents' house and pissing all her money up the wall. She also stole just under a thousand pounds from my father a few years back but because she's the baby we're not allowed to talk about that

Anyway, she's now unemployed and can't make her minimu repayments. She's decided to go into a Debt Relief Order, which is like bankruptcy for people who owe less than £15k (she does if you don't include my parents), have assets worth less than £300 (her car is worth £1200 but she's claiming my parents own it and she has some v expensive jewellery) and people who have disposable income of less than £50 per month (she pays nothing towards keep at home and her entire income is disposable). So she meets none of the criteria.

She has said she's not going to list what she owes family, is going to claim her car belongs to our parents and that she pays rent to them when she doesn't. I can't sit by and watch whilst she perjures herself (and it is perjury) claiming that she doesn't have anything to show whilst the rest of us pay however much in interest to service our debts. Moreover, my father is a magistrate and my mother a county councillor. Surely in their positions of public office they have a duty to make the authorities aware of the lies.

DH has said it's me being a cow, which might be the point, but it feels like my sister is again not taking responsibility and telling more lies that she thinks she will get away with and therefore not learn from her pretty fucking massive mistake to date.

So AIBU to point out to her, and if she doesn't listen the relevant authorities, that she isn't telling the truth?

ImagineJL Sun 03-Feb-13 22:00:38

Are your parents prepared to collude with her lies? Because surely that would be risky given their jobs.

SirIronBottom Sun 03-Feb-13 22:01:57

ImagineJL's thoughts are mine exactly. Grass her up to your parents and leave them to do the rest.

DeepRedBetty Sun 03-Feb-13 22:02:10

I think you need to back away from the whole situation. Your parents are the ones who are being affected by her, not you.

MadamFolly Sun 03-Feb-13 22:02:21

I'd shop her, what a cow.

You'll be saving her from herself, she could get in real trouble for perjury.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Sun 03-Feb-13 22:02:54

Unfortunately my parents are turning a blind eye and excusing her behaviour again hence I feel the need to do something.

MamaMumra Sun 03-Feb-13 22:03:09

What do your parents say? I think YAB a bit U (even though she sounds well out of order). Will your family withstand the fireworks if you do grass her up?

DeepRedBetty Sun 03-Feb-13 22:03:39

Sorry, not clear if your parents are aware or not of her plan, if they are, more fool them, if not, you'd need to find a tactful way of blowing her gaff.

MamaMumra Sun 03-Feb-13 22:03:54

Oops x post.

DeepRedBetty Sun 03-Feb-13 22:04:04

x posted.

CauDyGeg Sun 03-Feb-13 22:05:34

I don't think it's any of your business, although I suspect you may go through with it out of spite.

Are your parents aware that this is what she is going to do? Are they going along with it? Is your sister aware of the possible fallout for your parents if they collude in her lies?

Sorry, but it does also sound as if your parents have enabled her for years and are partly responsible for her fecklessness. They need to wake up to this too.

SirIronBottom Sun 03-Feb-13 22:07:40

I would stay out of it, actually. You may hate her but you would seriously damage your relationship with your parents.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 03-Feb-13 22:09:29

If the car belongs to her and they check, they will be able to tell whose name it is registered in. It's up to the family that she owes money to whether they want to be listed as creditors or not,many whether they want to chase their money back or not.

I can understand why you are extremely pissed of with your sister, and the situation she has gotten herself into, but I don't think you will achieve anything by telling her what to do. It doesn't sound like she cares. Presumably she already knows right from wrong without needing it pointed out to her, and she is choosing to do wrong. If your parents want to enable that, then that's up to them. I don't have much sympathy for their position either really, they have allowed their child to become this spoiled and not pay her way.

From hearing my friends recent experience of bankruptcy, the service is very over stretched and they just don't seem to bother with checks on things. Nor do they worry about making you pay what you owe, you just pay what you can afford (or what they think you can afford) for a little while, and that's it.

mrsbunnylove Sun 03-Feb-13 22:11:29

you'd be shopping your whole family. are you ready to live without them? they might not forgive you.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Sun 03-Feb-13 22:12:04

CauDyGeg I'm really trying to not go down that route, but you do massively have a point. I'm asking because I don't want to be that person.

WhereYouLeftIt I agree that my parents have responsibility (my sister is 32 and has never paid her own way FFS) but ultimately I want my sister to take control of her own life. My DM will always make excuses for her, but she is an adult and at some point needs to act as one.

I don't want to be a spiteful bitch, I really don't, but I don't want this to be something we all collude in.

CauDyGeg Sun 03-Feb-13 22:17:13

Then don't become that person.

This is your choice.

Don't let something which is not your problem, become your problem.

You are maybe a little jealous, that she has been 'sheltered' from responsibility?

zoobaby Sun 03-Feb-13 22:17:40

YANBU to dislike your sister, but may want to reconsider doing something that can come back to bite your parents. Though they merrily accept your sister's crap, they won't thank you for your interference.

PrettyKitty1986 Sun 03-Feb-13 22:19:10

Your sister sounds like an irresponsible cow.
Nevertheless, yabu here. Keep your beak out and let your parents fight their own battles.

Agree with clouds, you cannot deny car ownership, in the UK and the information has to tally with your insurance, you as the registred owner/keeper.

However the interest charged by credit companies is ridiculous and they have well made their money out of your sister.

Be honest, you are jealous of her spending and her freeloading, so you are reporting her out of spite.

Your father should be ashamed of himself, if he is ok with this, he probably senences people for lesser fraud, who have real reasons for committing crimes.

However, they could charge her rent and then take her out and buy her what she would have spent money on, anyway, so no lies told.

Whydobabiescry Sun 03-Feb-13 22:19:39

I'd back off and mind your own business,mother wise you'll probably tear your family apart. Your sister is the one making the statements to the official receiver and its up to him whether he pursues looking for evidence of ownership of vehicles. Don't forget that the official receiver will be looking at the value the car would reach at auction which is likely to well short of the £1200 you say it's worth. If your sister goes down the debt relief order route her credit rating will be non existent and she'll be prevented from. Getting store cards and loans again so perhaps it is what she needs to do to get her out of a financial hole.

zoobaby Sun 03-Feb-13 22:19:51

Or maybe it's the brainchild of your folks? They must see this stuff all the time.

MrsDeVere Sun 03-Feb-13 22:20:06

I suppose you have to weigh up what it will achieve with what the backlash is likely to be.

Will it stop her behaviour? Given that your parents are enabling her, I don't think it will.

You will end up the bad one and your sister will carry on as she always has.

I would back away and let them all get on with it and they can face the consequences.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Sun 03-Feb-13 22:25:14

But but but but but.....

I know IABU but she will not learn from her mistakes. Bankruptcy has, quite rightly IMO, been destigmatised, but she needs to face up to her responsibilities. The rest of us pay mortgage, bills etc, and she has just peed everything up the wall. It makes me so mad. And she's going to get it all written off without losing anything - when she has the money's worth for the stuff she has bought. It's infuriating. And not fair <stamps foot>.

I know that her assets aren't worth as much as they're "worth" at auction, but she shouldn't be making that decision. That's for the OR t make.

You will not be colluding, you will be washing your hands of it of you have any sense.

Personally, I would not grass her up. What I would do is read my parents the riot act, because it sounds as if they ARE colluding. Point out what it could mean to them as a magistrate and a councillor - what the public naming and shaming could mean to them. Are they prepared to risk such humiliation?Because I'm pretty sure their local paper will have a field day on their asses.

Depending on how you think they would react, I might even consider being pretty brutal as to the part they have played in this debacle. To the point of calling them crap parents who have made your sister's life rubbish by setting her no boundaries and now she is reaping what they have sown. Why? Because she won't listen but maybe they will. Because they need to stop enabling her, or they'll all go to financial hell in a handcart. Because IF they get away with it (and it is they, not just her), she's not going to change her spending patterns and it will all happen again.

Or, you could just walk away and tell them that their enabling is ultimately making her life harder, not easier. And stand well back.

twoboyslater Sun 03-Feb-13 22:27:03

Yanbu to want to take the moral highground on this. What she is doing is dishonest.

However, yabvu to drag your mom and dad into this, when they're probably stressed enough about the situation as it is. I think it's very unfair to to put them in the middle of you and your sister, mainly because you don't like her. To me, it sounds like you are just grasping at straws for an excuse to get one over on her. And although that may not be the case, I fear that your parents may think exactly the same.

My advice would be to back off a bit. If she's being dishonest throughout what is essentially a bankruptcy claim, checks will be made, and it will come back to bite her then. In the meantime, I would grit your teeth and not drag your parents into it; it'll make you look just as bad as her. You never know, her comeuppance might be just around the corner...

Yellowtip Sun 03-Feb-13 22:36:47

Your parents and your father in particular have an absolute duty to sort this one out. Neither should hold office if they don't.

quoteunquote Sun 03-Feb-13 22:40:23

step away from the sister,
step away from the situation,

Put your energies into positive things, and you will be too busy to be bothered by this.

There is nothing you can do that will not end up with everyone pondering your motives.

The bigger picture is that your sister has quite a sad life, and hasn't formed a foundation for a future, so when you put the boot in, people will wonder why you can't see this, or if you do , then why would you attack someone when they are down, ask yourself why you want to do it, and if there is something positive instead you could do,

so do yourself a favour put all your energies into keeping so busy, that you don't do yourself a huge disservice, by saying something that will antagonise everyone.

Your parents sound intelligent and probably don't need it pointing out, they are no doubt worrying ,feeling frustrated, and guilty that their child is not coping with life, so do them a favour and be very supportive, that means not stirring.

ChristmasJubilee Sun 03-Feb-13 22:47:47

Your Dh is right.

WhichIsBest Sun 03-Feb-13 22:51:14

Again, I think you would be better to keep out of it.

timidviper Sun 03-Feb-13 22:56:02

I think you might cause far more distress to your parents than you intend if you report her.

I think you should sit your parents down and remind them of the implications of her perjury on them if she continues and explain to them that they will help her most by making her deal with her issues.

VenusRising Sun 03-Feb-13 22:56:22

I think you would regret this level of vindictiveness and meanness.

So what your sister isn't taking responsibility for her life, she has her life, and you have yours.

Live and let live, and hope that you can keep your own nose clean, and above water.

twoboyslater Sun 03-Feb-13 22:58:41

I posted my original comment, which I thought was fair, after reading your original post.
However, after people have told you that yabu and your response is 'but but but but' and '*stomps feet*', I'd like to retract my previous comment.
It is obvious that you wanting to grass your sister in is not because of what's legally or morally right; it's out of jealousy and spite, and trying to get one over on your sister so that mom and dad finally pay you the attention that you want.
That is not fair at all. Sorry, but I agree with your husband on this one.

greenpostit Sun 03-Feb-13 23:06:21

I would leave the situation well alone. For a start by reporting her you could get your parents into trouble.

You are not colluding in this stuff, you are separate from it. Collusion is having involvement/facilitating etc which you are not doing. Your parents are though.

I understand that you do not like her and she does seem dishonest and selfish. However, you will be better off keeping well out of it. If you want to do anything you could suggest to your parents that they would be acting illegally (?) and you advise them not to do it.

If you report her, you'll probably feel good for about 1 minute. After which time you will worry about your parents and it will all feel pretty shit. Not worth it.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Sun 03-Feb-13 23:08:54

twoboys I think that's a little unkind. I know that some of my motives are not right, or I wouldn't be asking. It's not out of jealousy at all, but I won't deny a certain amount of spite. That's not my primary motive though. I am just letting off steam here where it won't come back on my parents.

I am, frankly, furious that she is putting her own wants above her responsibilities and the responsibilities of my parents. I am trying not to cloud that with my dislike of the way she has chosen to live her life (which is at odds with how I and my other sister live our lives). I am gobsmacked that when there is little detrimental outcome of her telling the truth she is lying again and not facing up to her own life. It feels like this is her opportunity to grow up and face up to adult responsibilities and she is choosing not to. I am so cross that her lies may impact on the rest of the family.

I don't know how to have a relationship with her in the future when she has done this. It's a crime, and I have a very strong sense of right and wrong. It's distressing any which way.

NomNomDePlumPudding Sun 03-Feb-13 23:13:38

yabu - vindictive is the word that springs to mind. you don't like your sister? don't see her and don't think about her.

Andro Sun 03-Feb-13 23:19:47

A reminder to your sister and your parents that things such as car ownership can be checked (and as such, perjury detected) would not be spiteful or inappropriate.

From there, walk away!

It's really hard when a sibling has been given preferential treatment...I can really understand what you're feeling.

Vijac Sun 03-Feb-13 23:19:57

I would just stay out of it and not let it wind you up. She is probably very unhappy with her debt and the chance to be release from her debt could be the opportunity for her to turn her life around. (Although it is of course unfair for those of us who live responsibly and don't spend beyond our means). Try to just focus on your life and maybe discuss with your parents that you feel the level of support that you both get is unfair and is there a way to ensure that you both get the same help.

cerealqueen Sun 03-Feb-13 23:20:09

If you liked her, would you still do it? You are probably acting out of dislike.
Your sister sounds a bit of a mess and she can't be happy with things like they are. Bankruptcy is a huge step, and while she might not see it now, she will certainly have to face up to what she has done.

Some saying or other 'Do no harm' . Think about it.

VenusRising Sun 03-Feb-13 23:22:09

Well, I think you are right to acknowledge that you are distressed.
It's good to own a feeling and to sit with it awhile, BUT I think you are crossing a boundary here.

Your sister with all her faults and failings is her own person, sink or swim, she has her own life, and her own road.

You, on the other hand have your own trials and tribulations, and have to deal with those. Black and white thinking is a heavy burden. Taking a moralistic view from the back of your high horse, is a rather lonely way to travel through life.

I don't think for one minute that you will achieve any kind of personal resolution by shopping your sister. Rather I think that your enmeshment and entanglement in her life will backfire into yours.

Your DH is right. Leave it.

If I was your DH, I'm not sure I'd want such a bitter and vindictive person around me. Overwhelmingly you have been told by mn and by those who love you in your RL to leave it be.

If you want a medal for being upstanding, and doing the 'right' thing, you could volunteer to help those less fortunate than yourself. You seem to have time on your hands, and energy to spare.
It would do you good, and might garner you some good karma. Maybe even set an example for your poor lost sister.


If you had a good relationship with your sister would you consider doing this? If not then it seems the main motive is out of spite, and that is unreasonable.

Sorry if I've missed this - are your parents aware of her plans?
I would imagine that your parents wouldn't get in trouble anyway - how were they to know what she put down on forms?
If they are aware perhaps have a chat with them and ask them do they not understand the implications of not encouraging her to act responsibly?

I don't think you should grass her up, let go of why you're angry with her and keep your distance.

Being angry at her will only eat yourself up x

My brother was vile to me and we don't speak, I would never try to get him in trouble, I can't imagine caring enough anymore, and would feel I was bringing myself to his level for being spiteful.

Do you talk to her at all?

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Sun 03-Feb-13 23:26:03

Vijac I see that being released from her debt can only be a good thing - this has been hanging over her for a decade. It's her dishonesty in doing it, claiming she has no assets or income when she does, that frustrates me. The unfairness is that they turn a blind eye to her crimes just like they did when she was stealing and that there are no sanctions or consequences to her behaviour.

cerealqueen - that is what I'm struggling with. I think I probably wouldn't report her, but would try to prevent her from doing what she is doing because of the possible detriment to my parents. I don't want them to get in trouble, but I want them all to realise what the possible effects of her lies are. The stupid thing is that if she told the truth there would be little recourse - my parents could buy her car for a few hundred quid and she wouldn't be committing perjury. Where is the detriment to her actually telling the truth? So why lie?

Cherriesarelovely Sun 03-Feb-13 23:34:32

I see what you mean OP. People being dishonest about stuff like this gets right up my nose. You are absolutely right,she wont learn her lesson and I don't think YABU for thinking of reporting her. If your parents are colluding with her then they are being equally dishonest.

However, I don't think I would give myself the grief of reporting her. Tell them what you think and let them suffer the possible consequences.

cumfy Sun 03-Feb-13 23:39:55

So is your magistrate father going to say she pays rent ?

AmberLeaf Sun 03-Feb-13 23:45:53

You only want to do this because you don't like her.

Just stay out of it.

cumfy Sun 03-Feb-13 23:47:15

And basically she can in fact pay off the debts with her fictitious rent.

She just doesn't feel like it ?

"Bankruptcy" seems to be a lifestyle choice nowadays, no idea why they made it so easy and I truly hope DSis fails in her attempts to become a criminal.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Sun 03-Feb-13 23:52:07

cumfy he said to me today that "it's not her car as we paid for it" when we know they were paid back, and I expect he will say the payments for the car were rent. I pointed out to him what that meant as a magistrate and he went quiet.

Venus thank you. I will take exception to the word vindictive, because I'm not struggling with this because I'm vindictive. If I were, I'd just have done it. I'm struggling because she needs to take responsibility and she isn't doing so. If she manned up I would actually pay to buy her assets in bankruptcy back for her, and not hold it over her at all, it's the lying I can't abide.

I know it's not worth the grief, but it's so irksome that she won't face up to this like an adult - she'll just lie again and take the easier way out. I suppose I'm embarrassed by the way this is seen as acceptable when other people are sent down gleefully by my dad for far lesser offences.

Time to go back to therapy methinks.

headingmyway Sun 03-Feb-13 23:53:28

I went bankrupt a few years ago so I've read up on the various rules about assets and disposable income. The rules for DROs aren't exactly the same so this is based on what I know about bankruptcy.

Usually a car is allowed to be kept if it is valued at less than £1k (they use a specific guide to check prices, it is much lower than the price she would have paid for it as others have said). The Official Receiver will be able to check with the DVLA about ownership so I'm sure they will find out regardless of what your sister say. It's also possible for your parents to buy the interest in the car, which they may be willing to do. So she may be able to keep the car and stay completely above board.

It sounds like the car will be valued quite low and won't cause problems even if they do find out. Even the jewellery may not affect anything, as the resale value of jewellery is quite low. When ORs take action on hidden assets, it will usually be items of high value, such as property abroad.

As for her income - you say she's unemployed, so is her income entirely from benefits? If that's the case, no payment order will be made, whether she claims to be paying rent or not. They do not make payment orders when the sole income is derived from benefits. So mentioning this to the authorities will make no difference to her case.

Going through insolvency is not an easy process. It's very stressful, you have to deal with many creditors harassing you daily, deal with the forms, go to court to declare it, and it stays on your credit file for six years. This is a massive consequence, it is not an easy way out.

Finally - if it turns out she doesn't meet some of the criteria for a DRO (by having debts over £15k and too much surplus income), she would still be able to go for a bankruptcy which has virtually the same effect of clearing her debts (but costs more to do it in court fees).

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 00:14:21

That's kind of my frustration headingmyway - telling the truth will make very little difference to the outcome, but lying is a big fat breach of the law. God, I'd buy the car for her if she declared it, as they'd sell it back to us for practically nothing. It's her lying, and her dragging my parents in (and their lack of action against this) that is making me fume.

She needs to go bankrupt, not into a DRO. This costs more, but she's lying in the hope of saving £600. It's just a madness. The outcome is the same and she's not lying about stuff!

headingmyway Mon 04-Feb-13 00:21:11

DROs have to be done through an intermediary (e.g. CAB or other advice agency). So you might be able to contact them for advice, it would enable them to advise her on the correct route without having the same repercussions as reporting to the insolvency service.

But, I'm really not sure based on what you've said that the wouldn't be eligible for a DRO in any case.

andubelievedthat Mon 04-Feb-13 00:32:01

name on a vehicle v5 doc is not legal proof of ownership.if as u say your parents are high achievers i would think they know what they are doing, go and look in the mirror , do you like the person looking back ? if u have such a take on right and wrong , where is your christianity?

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 00:43:33

Yes I like the person looking back. I am furious and struggling with someone who I'm supposed to respect doing something unnecessary and wrong. I've said several times that I agree with other posters that I'd be U to go through with this. I'm trying to make sense of the situation and how I feel about it.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 04-Feb-13 01:08:02

Why does it matter how you feel about it?

That's a genuine question not a dig

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 08:02:35

It shouldn't, sock, but for some reason I have a bee in my bonnet. I suppose because she is being typical her and not doing things properly, thinking she knows better and not considering the impact she'll have on others. It also shows that she's not taking this seriously and she thinks she can win against the system. Which she'll gloat about (as per usual).

The stupid thing is I know that if she told the truth there would be practically no difference in outcome. So she's being a dick by not doing it right and I'm being a dick getting my knickers in a twist.

Boomerwang Mon 04-Feb-13 08:06:57

I wouldn't do it. It's your sister. Anyone else, maybe. But not your own family.

Unless of course you hate her and anyone else who would be affected by this.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 08:11:12

A wise man once said to me, "Yes, it's shit. But it doesn't have to be OUR shit".

It is good advice to only spend your energy on things you can actually influence.

Your sister isn't the person you want her to be. You can't make her be. All you can do it make yourself be the sort of person you want to be. You aren't, currently, or you would not be so bothered by this.

Branleuse Mon 04-Feb-13 08:11:22

stay out of it. Seriously. Not worth the fallout or backlash.

back away

Awomansworth Mon 04-Feb-13 10:06:39

I was once in a similar situation with my sister quite a few years ago. I decided to let it go, ad it really was the best thing to do.

Your parents are protecting thier child, in much the same way you would. They most probably know her faults but just won't be able to stop themselves helping her... as angry as this makes you feel, you won't change them or her.

My own sister was protected by my parents in many ways and sadly when they died, she was unable to function properly for quite a while before she had to learn to stand on her own two feet, which even years later she struggles to do.

Sadly your parents think they are helping her, but in the long run they are not.

MerryMarigold Mon 04-Feb-13 10:19:42

I think by grassing her up, you would be removing her responsibility once again. She needs to make the decisions, and live with the consequences. If your parents get into trouble, they need to live with that too. It will be the consequence of the way they have parented her, and still are, if they get into trouble. Don't feel bad about it! If everything goes in her favour this time, she's a lucky girl - but one day things will come to bite back.

I think for your own conscience you need to warn her and your parents of the possible consequences of going ahead in this way, and then leave the decisions up to them.

PeppermintPasty Mon 04-Feb-13 10:29:21

You have to let it go IMO. Why waste your energy. Let the whole toxic family crap wash over you. My dsis and dbro are treated entirely differently to me by our mother because she is a batshit crazy narcissist. I learned this the hard way and although it still takes up some of my time, I no longer wring my hands and expend as much energy trying to make sense of it all. I had to let it go.

I think you need to do that wrt your sister. She'll carry on being like this or she won't, and nothing you do will make a difference to her, but it will to you-it will knacker you out.

Toomuchtea Mon 04-Feb-13 10:35:32

Yes to what MerryMarigold said. It is infuriating, saddening and bewildering when you can see people travelling merrily towards the edge of a cliff, but much as you'd like to haul your family back from the edge, it's not very likely that you will. Like Awomansworth, after years of trying to offer advice/help/support, I stepped back, as it was either that or blow the relationship apart totally.

I don't think you're being entirely U; I just don't think you'd get the result you want.

juneau Mon 04-Feb-13 10:39:50

Personally, I would not grass her up. What I would do is read my parents the riot act, because it sounds as if they ARE colluding. Point out what it could mean to them as a magistrate and a councillor - what the public naming and shaming could mean to them. Are they prepared to risk such humiliation?Because I'm pretty sure their local paper will have a field day on their asses.

This is what I would do.

badtemperedaldbitch Mon 04-Feb-13 10:42:57

to put this the kindest way i know.... live your life and dont worry about hers.

she is not your responsibily
her life is nothing to do with you
your bitterness will eat you inside out
even if you do get invovled there are more people affected and you will affect your relationship with them.

I speak as a sister of 4 siblings who have a completely different moral standard than myself. for years i struggled with what SHOULD be. i felt a lot better when i embraced what WAS, and stopped trying to change a fundimental mindset. It has helped that i married a man with similar standards to myslef - moved 300 miles away, and live my life according to our standards.

I know this is no help when you want to shake some sense into her.... but ultimately at 30 she isnt going to start changing now.

Please be at peace with yourself

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 10:44:33

The parents don´t have to collude with her though, do they?

I suspect that is what hurts?

How far they are willing to go for her?

I´d not be wanting a relationship with any of them tbh, as I´d have no respect for them.

Also, ponting out her faults will not make them think any more of you.

FlouncingMintyy Mon 04-Feb-13 10:45:47

Oh Foxtrot!

I am interested in how your parents excuse your sister and make all these allowances for her? Does she have mental health issues? It certainly sounds like she has an alcohol problem from that thread where you had to go and rescue her. Why hasn't she got a job?

I completely understand your frustration, I really do.

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 04-Feb-13 10:49:08

OH yeah, id be going mad too.

Your parents should have a serious think about what they are doing, they are being naive and foolish.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 10:53:57

Thank you all for being so kind. You're right. I won't achieve anything in stepping in, and I'm hurt that she is supported in her frankly criminal behaviour by parents who don't support me. I suppose this is the root of the issue.

Marymerrigold has hit it on the head. I would be taking responsibility from her if I make a fuss. I just need to let it lie.

She hasn't a job as she got sacked (for the fourth time in two years) in October, shortly after the drunk rescue incident which happened on a work night out. She's been temping and sponging from my parents since then.

Also, I worry about when my parents are no longer around. She won't have the life skills to manage and I know I'll end up getting involved. I say that I won't but I couldn't let her suffer.

FeistyLass Mon 04-Feb-13 10:54:41

Foxtrot, you know YABU and I do sympathise a little as I have two dsis who are similarto your's. Dm worries about them but ultimately bails them out every time.
However, I don't think you know enough about all the circumstances to get involved in the middle of this current crisis.
You are doing your parents a great disservice to think they would risk their reputations and careers for your dsis. You don't understand the issue about car ownership. I can register a car in my name but someone else can make the payments for it. As far as the finance company is concerned, the person who pays owns the car.
You say your parents will pretend that the car payments were rent but actually, you don't live with them so you can't be sure of all the intricacies of their financial arrangements. Your dsis may be deliberately winding you up about what she is going to do and actually it is all above board. You could view her decision to go down this route as her taking responsibility. It will have repercussions on her credit rating and her life for years to come.
Be glad you don't have her problems and focus on your own full life.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 11:00:06

Feisty - I do understand the issue over car ownership. I know that they bought the car and she paid them back at a certain amount per month. I know this because I've seen the bank statements as I was asked what she should do re her financial situation when she most recently was sacked, and then had my advice ignored. The payments ceased when she had paid back the car loan, and if they were rent they would have continued.

Also, DM has refused to ever charge rent as she didn't for the rest of us - who left home in our teens/early twenties. This is something she is still adamant she won't do. I do understand how their finances are set up.

FeistyLass Mon 04-Feb-13 11:06:15

Foxtrot, sorry. I thought since they all live together there might be details that weren't as clear to you as you thought.
I still think you should try to back off. I completely understand the frustration with both your sister and your parents but getting involved in the middle of this would just cause heartache all round. Perhaps you should tell your parents and dsis that you don't want to hear about their finances, etc, going forward since you have such different values from them. If you don't know what's happening then you won't feel the need to take responsibility for it.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 11:06:54

"She won't have the life skills to manage and I know I'll end up getting involved. I say that I won't but I couldn't let her suffer."

Which is what your parents are doing.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 11:09:14

I know. I need to back away. It's just difficult, having been asked for help and then ignored.

And diddl you make an excellent point. Thank you. I'd like to think that I would help her help herself rather than protect her from the world. I'd want to just walk away though.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 11:09:46

And of course you could always teach her the life skills if it becomes necessary, rather than just bailing out...

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 11:10:23

Great minds...grin

cumfy Mon 04-Feb-13 13:41:12

I am really interested in the responses on this thread, and will be curious to see how similar the (post-trial) views are on Vicki Pryce's decision to "grass up" Chris Huhne.

There are clearly parallels.

PartTimeModel Mon 04-Feb-13 13:45:40

I would appeal to your parents. Make them acknowledge to you the risks they are undertaking here. But essentially it's their lives - they are the ones in involved. They are the ones who have a lot to lose if your sisters and their lies get out.

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