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to think XP should do this for me and not his current partner?

(48 Posts)
littlemisssarcastic Sun 03-Feb-13 21:47:05

I am honestly not sure if IABU or not. My gut tells me IANBU, but I have discussed with a few people and there is a mixed response.

XP has got a job that pays quite well, he works 12 hr shifts 4 days a week.
The company wanted another person to cover for the other 3 days a week, and knowing that his current partner and I were both looking for work, he suggested his DP.
Now, you might think that is fair enough, it's up to him who he suggests, BUT here's where I have the problem.

XP and I have a DD, his DP has a DS. XP is looking after her DS while she works 3 x 12 hour shifts, and not DD so I can work 3 x 12 hr shifts, and XP does not pay maintenance. (CSA have been trying to chase him for 4 years and have extracted less than £75 from him in all that time.)
XP does not see DD regularly, yet he is looking after his DP's DS every fucking week for 42 hours (including travel), so she can earn £££££'s too!!

XP's DP's XP has her DS every other weekend, and when XP has these 'free' weekends, I have no idea what he does, because he hasn't seen DD since before Christmas.

Now, XP claims he and DP need to work 7 days a week to pay debts off which I did not incur while DD and I are here, me looking for school hours jobs, and paying off debts accumulated years ago by him and both of us living in fucking poverty!!!

If I didn't look after DD, he admits it would mean he couldn't work this job, so I am enabling him to do these hours, and then to look after his DP's DS instead of his own DD, so she can earn money too, because XP has admitted he can't cope with both DC at once, so he wouldn't look after DP's DS if he had to look after DD.

He now says he can only see DD every other weekend because on the other weekends, he has to look after DP's DS while she goes to work!!

Due to the hours of the job, and looking after his DP's DS 3 days a week, XP has said that I need to find a school hours job because he cannot help with childcare since he needs to go to work. But what about me needing to go to work FGS???

AIBU to think this is unfair, or should I accept that this is the way it is when parents split, and understand that he has debts to pay of his own bloody making.

angry angry angry angry angry angry

WorraLiberty Sun 03-Feb-13 21:52:10

He sounds like a bit of a dick but I think you're going to have to accept that.

He clearly doesn't want to see his child, so it would be a bit cruel on your DD to force her to spend time with him anyway.

I wouldn't even attempt to rely on someone so unreliable.

SirIronBottom Sun 03-Feb-13 21:55:12

It seems a bit strange to expect your ex to get/give you a job. Surely there are other sources you can use to look for work besides a man who clearly doesn't like you and has very little interest in their DD. Saying that, you are not unreasonable for feeling hurt that he is not putting his own child's interests first.

zoobaby Sun 03-Feb-13 21:55:18

Uh. Think I might have deciphered all that. Of course he's gonna pick his new partner (no brainer there). Simple solution... get a job that is the exact same hours as the new partner. That way your ex can look after two DCs in one go. smile Sorry not helpful.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 03-Feb-13 21:57:10

It sounds like a very annoying, frustrating situation but I'm not surprised he hasn't done you a favour if he has already shown himself to be a twat by not paying maintenance and not seeing his Dd regularly. Sorry.... massively long sentence!

EuroShagmore Sun 03-Feb-13 21:58:14

YABU about the job but you have legitimate complaints about the lack of CSA payments and general support.

He sounds like a dick, but I think in this situstion yabu. He's obviously going to put his current partner forward for jobs if she needs one. Would you want to work with him anyway?

NatashaBee Sun 03-Feb-13 22:13:44

It would be nice if everyone thought that way, but YABU to expect an ex to do that for you.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 03-Feb-13 23:45:04

I should say that it's not the job that pisses me off so much, it's the knowing that XP can't help with looking after DD so I can work, or even see her regularly because when he's not working...he's looking after his DP's DS so she can go to work!!

XP has said he can't cope with DP's DS and DD at the same time. It can only be one or the other. He has chosen DP's DS.

If he were to see DD regularly, I could find a job more easily than it is now.

And even though he only works a 4 day week, he can only see DD for about 6 hours once every 4 weeks.

So he has 12 days off work in every 4 weeks.
He chooses to look after his DP's DS for 8 of those days (12 hours a day).
DP's XP looks after his DS every other weekend from friday evening until Sunday evening, and it is only on those weekends that XP says he can see DD. sad

littlemisssarcastic Sun 03-Feb-13 23:49:32

Sorry, should have said that XP can only see DD for 6 hours twice every 4 weeks.

It is rare that he manages that tbh.
DD adores him and asks after him almost every day. She makes up little stories about what she has supposedly done with him, or what she will tell him when she next sees him. sad

It's bloody crap!!!

deleted203 Sun 03-Feb-13 23:59:58

Whilst agreeing that your situation sounds fairly crap, did you honestly expect Ex to suggest you for a job opening, instead of his current gf? He looks after her child, not his own....well, unfortunately that it what happens when partners move on. He has moved on to start new life with new gf and child and you are the ex. So yeah, it's shit, but you are pretty unreasonable to expect that he's going to put you over his current partner EVER. Imagine if it was the other way round....if you had a new bf and he turned round and said, 'oh - i could have got you a job, but I suggested my ex instead. I'm not looking after your child - I'm babysitting for ex so she can work, etc'. You would be soon getting rid of him.

I'm not defending your ex in any way. He's a prick who should be paying maintenance. But YABU to think it reasonable that he should be ever doing anything for you rather than his present partner.

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 00:08:03

Looks like IABU then.

I honestly didn't think that 100% of the responsibility for childcare was down to the resident parent, which ultimately enables the NRP to actually go to work, look after other peoples DC and rest, but I guess I was wrong.

Back to the drawing board for a school hours job it is then.

Living in poverty sucks big time!! sad I look after DD 24/7 anyway, so will soldier on as before then.

I accept IABU.

deleted203 Mon 04-Feb-13 00:22:42

Perhaps not such much 'unreasonable' as 'unrealistic' littlemiss. I have always found that 100% of the childcare goes to the resident parent in real life. There's no way my ex ever had the DCs unless it was a) a Sunday b) he wasn't working or c) he didn't have anything better to do.

Basically NRP tend to get on with their life merrily whilst you as lone parent suck it up and soldier on.

It is crap, but that's generally the way it goes. I suspect that when you are talking about a man who in 4 years has only paid £75 in maintenance then it would be wildly unrealistic to expect him to ever consider putting his DD first.

StinkyWicket Mon 04-Feb-13 00:26:29

He sounds like an utter, utter dick.

YANBU for expecting the father of your child to think of her first and foremost, but it sounds like you are judging him by your own standards.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 00:28:52

IME it can be a bit of a nightmare relying on Exes for childcare. It shouldn't be, but it often is. You can still look for a job with more hours if you want/need to: your DD can go to an after school club or child-minder, which will be more reliable and much less stressful for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 04-Feb-13 00:33:44

Help the CSA to track him down, OP - also a (free for half an hour) solicitor and if you get more money, get childcare so you can go out to work.

I feel very sad for your daughter; imaging having to make up stories about what she's done/doing with her dad because she has such little contact with him. Does your ex know this? Does he care about her at all? sad

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 00:43:54

Off to bed now, but wanted to quickly respond to a few questions.

Our school has no after school club. They don't have a breakfast club either.

I have given the CSA every scrap of information for the last 4 years, and they have never managed to get money out of him regularly. It is still being dealt with by the CSA, yet I haven't had a penny in almost a year now.

We have 2 CM's in our area. One is fully booked and has a waiting list that is quite long and takes siblings of mindees before other mindees, so unlikely to get a place with her, and the other CM is not someone I want to look after my DD. I posted one incident about her on a thread about baby groups the other day. She is not someone who should be looking after DC imvho.

XP knows how much DD misses him, she even tells XP her stories, but it doesn't change anything. I don't think he has a conscience.

I suppose I always knew I couldn't rely on him, but on principle I thought IWNBU.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 04-Feb-13 00:47:40

No, not unreasonable at all, you'd think he'd want to help support his own daughter but alas, he's horrible, so you're being unrealistic. I wish I could jab him with a cattle prod for you, littlemiss.

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 00:54:49

Me too LyingWitchInTheWardrobe grin

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 08:33:27

I am also a single parent with an Ex who isn't around and no family to help... It is rubbish that there is no after-school club or CM you can use... But there are some other thing you will be able to do about childcare, if you get a job because us single parents are very resourceful. grin At different times over the years I have done swaps with other parents ("I'll do Monday and Tues if you can do Weds and Thurs"), I have had help and favours from friends, and I have paid other parents that I trust to look after my kids. It doesn't sound like you'll get full-time childcare you can rely on, but you'll probably be able to be quite flexible about part-time hours that aren't just within school time... Good luck with it!

Tanith Mon 04-Feb-13 08:42:25

I like "unrealistic" rather than unreasonable, too.

Tells the Op that she couldn't really have expected anything else in the circumstances while leaving the unreasonableness firmly with her XP!

ENormaSnob Mon 04-Feb-13 08:44:46


He is a useless prick.

I'll bet you couldn't rely on him for childcare anyway.

Definitely get the CSA on the case again.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 04-Feb-13 08:50:07

I am sorry but he has moved on and hurtful as it is, his new partner's child now takes precedence over his own flesh and blood. It's hard to get your head round it and your DD sounds absolutely delightful and a credit to you. He does still see her only not as much as you'd both like.

Added to that the money aspect is outrageous. It is so often the case when fathers walk away without contributing anything to their child's support and well-being, there is always somehow enough for their own outgoings. Your ex seems to have a knack for picking partners who are hard working and actually do something for their offspring, pity it hasn't rubbed off on him.

You're a parent. He's a prick who will see his daughter when it suits him, when it doesn't clash with his other commitments angry. No it's not fair and YANBU,
that said if they ever split up the new partner will be up shit creek too if she's relying on him for childcare

ChocHobNob Mon 04-Feb-13 09:12:18

YABU(nrealistic) to expect him to prioritise you for a job over his partner.

He is being absolutely U(nreasonable) refusing to look after the 2 children at the same time. He has no excuse for that. Your poor DD.

UnbridledPositivity Mon 04-Feb-13 09:17:02

I think it's rubbish and really unfair. But: it's much better for you not to have to depend on him for childcare. What if he decided on a whim not to look after DD one day? You're much better off not relying on him. Plus working in the same place as him wouldn't be easy either, what if he makes up nasty rumours about you etc.

Yanbu to hope he'd consider you and do his bit to make your and therefore his DD's life easier. Yabu to think he'll change.

PickledInAPearTree Mon 04-Feb-13 09:18:13

I can see why your fuming about the general situation. I think the job rec is not that unreasonable but it's part of a whole situation that's totally annoying..

Sounds like your never going to be able up rely on this knob for anything sadly.

I'd try and find something that wasn't shift work perhaps to make it easier to get childcare and just keep perusing the csa.

NutellaNutter Mon 04-Feb-13 09:24:54

My god, he sounds like such an utter waste of space. No wonder he is your ex.

DonderandBlitzen Mon 04-Feb-13 09:27:53

Your ex is being unreasonable because he is paying no maintenance for his child and hardly sees her. You are not being unreasonable because you are coping on your own with little money.

DonderandBlitzen Mon 04-Feb-13 09:28:50

Well done by the way.

DonderandBlitzen Mon 04-Feb-13 09:29:16

You are a good mum. Your ex is a shit dad.

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 09:44:06

I agree with the unrealistic. . what is unreasonable is the stigma attached to single mothers in yours and my situation. Enabling the non resident parent to earn a wage and not get a penny in child support whilst being judged, by many, as the scrounger. I hate the way single mothers on benefits are judged these days when the person taking the piss is often the prick earning 120k and posting his wealth all over fb while his kids get free school meals. Bitter rant done. I sympathise OP.

HecateWhoopass Mon 04-Feb-13 09:50:30

He sounds like one of those people who is only interested in the kids while he's with the woman. Whether his kids or not.

You aren't being unreasonable to wish he gave a shit, but since all his actions to date have demonstrated that he doesn't - you can hardly be surprised.

if this relationship fails, he'll not give a shit about these kids either. sad

Don't read any further if you don't like crudeness

There are some men who only play the part of father for as long as they get to sink their dick into the mother. When that goes - they show that the kids meant nothing.


littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 09:54:16

Thanks for all the input since my last post.
I hadn't thought of how he could badmouth me at the job. Good point!!
I suppose I would always be on pins if he was my only source of childcare because he does tend to do what suits him.
Thanks for the suggestions wrt childcare. They are very helpful.

I feel better since reading this thread.

I admit that part of this is resentment that I have very little help with DD and know very few people who have the same low levels of support and if I am honest, it really pisses me off, although I don't tell people IRL just how pissed off it makes me because AFAIC DD is xp and my responsibility.

I actually don't know of anyone IRL who has no support from either family or dc's parent.
I'm sure there is thousands out there. I just don't know of any.
As an example, My mother babysits for my DB but won't for me, even though my DB has other family who could and do help him too.

Rahhhhhhh. I feel a bit better now. grin

spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 09:55:53

Agree Hecatewhoop

MortifiedAdams Mon 04-Feb-13 09:59:32

Why cant he have DD and DS on the same days??

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 10:01:05

Hecate Your crudeness has made me grin and is so true!!

Xp has had many relationships since we split and has never remained in touch with any of the DC.
The only child he has as far as I know is DD and she is the only one he has sporadically remained in contact with.
I suppose i have learnt a valuable lesson though. smile

CremeEggThief Mon 04-Feb-13 10:02:30

YANBU. I think it's awful he is prioritising someone else's child over his own. I don't understand these sorts of people sad.

In the long run, you are the winner and your wonderful DD will prove that to you, time and time again. thanks

oldraver Mon 04-Feb-13 10:04:12

Yes it all sounds unfair, but you have to let it go.

I assume you know where he is working now ? Give all this info to CSA nad pressure them to make a decision

CinnabarRed Mon 04-Feb-13 10:05:08

Just a thought, possibly (probably!) a rubbish one - but as there's clearly a need for more good childminders in your area, would you consider becoming one?

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 10:07:52

Mortified Xp says he can't cope with both of them at the same time on his own. DD can be very full on, and gets very excitable when she sees him. Tbh he rarely looks after DD on his own. He usually has a g/f or his mum with him when he has DD with him.

Take today for example, XP is not working today but he can't see DD (DD already asked him the other day if he could see her after school today) because he is looking after DP's DS while DP is working.

That's the only reason he has.

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Feb-13 10:09:47

I don't think I would make a good CM. grin

Good suggestion though.

aldiwhore Mon 04-Feb-13 10:10:26

I would also petition the school governors to provide out of school care... I thought that they had to these days? Our school has done it, begrudgingly, and only after parents, the PTA and governors demanded it.

School hours jobs are as rare as rocking horse shit these days... and part time work will soon be a thing of the past if you also have to rely to WTC.

I completely feel for you, but you have to take your x out of the equation, he's contributing nothing and will not offer any solutions, instead you need to focus on you, your dd and your situation. Don't waste a single scrap of energy in meeting your ex's needs and do not EVER work your life out so that it's easier for him. I know you want your dd to have a relationship with her dad but it's HIM that has to put that effort in. x

PickledInAPearTree Mon 04-Feb-13 10:14:13

He sounds like a massive BELLEND.

I can totally see why your frustrated.

Just think of him when he is old in a piss ridden bedsit eating cold beans out of a can whilst you have nice days out with your grandchildren.

Buzzardbird Mon 04-Feb-13 10:15:22

Oooo, that's a good one cinnabar. What do you think op?

Wish I had some useful advice on how to get him to cough up but I guess as he doesn't want to look after his dd in any shape or form he would find a way of getting out of it?

When you have got yourself sorted he will probably come crawling back and then you can show him what its like to be crapped on from a great height.
There's no better revenge than moving on and being happy.

WeAreEternal Mon 04-Feb-13 10:41:19

cinnabar beat me too it, I was going to suggest a career as a childminder.

You shouldn't rule it out, a good friend of mine was made redundant and decided (very reluctantly) to get into childminding as she was struggling to find a sutable job and childcare.
She didn't think she would be great at it as she is not what she described as a natural parent but two years later she loves her job and is doing very well with it.

Snazzynewyear Mon 04-Feb-13 10:49:38

All very annoying but I think it's better down the line that you're not having to work with him. And probably best not to rely on him for childcare too if he's going to be as flaky as this. I completely see why you are cross about it though.

MmeLindor Mon 04-Feb-13 10:53:32

I don't think this is about the job.

It is about your arse of an ex preferring to spend time with his new partner's son than with his own daughter.

Which is making your lovely DD sad, and that is making you sad and angry at him.

Add in the fact that not only is he not supporting you and your DD, he is also leaving you short of cash, thne it is no wonder you are angry at him.

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