To think is this is not embarrassing?

(156 Posts)
D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 16:56:44

Ignoring all the background because I can't move until we 'win' a council house, so I can't just leave.

Both dds at a party, which I assume was planned for weeks. I was told about it yesterday. I was at work at teatime, essay writing, dog walking and dryer fixing at lunchtime.

Dd2's only pair of tights that match her dress have a hole in the crotch, only the crotch. |I only noticed this hole when I was getting her dressed. Her dress covers the crotch. She has clean knickers on, the same colour as the tights. Had she had other tights I would have gave her them, but she doesn't, so she wore the holey ones. There are no holes in the leg, only the crotch. She is 6 so she is not inclined to go around with her skirt above her head.

She has told DH about the rip on the way to the party. He is 'mortified' and 'feels like he can't go now' I am 'not a proper a mother' and 'want our children to be scruffy' his family will 'all be talking about us'

AIBU to think he needs to get a fucking grip and stop allowing our children to be near his family if they'd honestly make dd2 feel bad about a hole in some tights (which they wouldn't)?

Flisspaps Sun 03-Feb-13 16:58:24

I'm a grown woman and still wear tights with a hole in the crotch (not bought that way)!

Your DH needs to fuck the fuck off. He must be so wearing.

greenpostit Sun 03-Feb-13 16:58:30

Yanbu of course he needs to get a grip.

StinkyWicket Sun 03-Feb-13 16:58:46


Molehillmountain Sun 03-Feb-13 16:59:26

If he's that mortified, perhaps he could mend them or buy more. I see no problem.


I am 22 and I have tights and legging with holes in the crotch which I still wear blush They are not on show amd I tend not to flash often grin

LeftMeInSuspenders Sun 03-Feb-13 17:01:22

Your DH is being a bit dramatic (and rude)

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 03-Feb-13 17:03:28


I have some leggins with a small hole in the leg, I just wear them with the hole at the back, if there are no other clean. No-ones made me feel bad about it yet.

BluelightsAndSirens Sun 03-Feb-13 17:03:36

Yanbu your DH is being a drama llama.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 17:09:24

None of you have any self respect according to DH hmm

He's a twat. I just hope he hasn't given dd2 a complex about it. I normally ban them from family parties from his side because his does this all the time. It used to be about the fact that their shoes were not the exact shade of their dress, now both children obsessively collect shoes, especially dd1.

This is their cousins birthday party though, so they had to go.

Even leaving him won't stop this. I can't just stop them seeing him completely. I might just drop them off nekkid and leave him to dress them when he has them wink

Id let him dress their selves. Think tutu, wellies, cape, firemans hat and pj top. grin

Which his head explode

EduCated Sun 03-Feb-13 17:14:55

As someone currently wearing holey-crotches tights, fuck you Dooin's DH angry How fucking dare you suggest I have no self respect. Get a fucking grip.

This has made me unreasonably angry.

HoneyDragon Sun 03-Feb-13 17:15:12

I not have holes in my leggings but only because I d a good sewing session this week as the holes were getting too big to ignore

HoneyDragon Sun 03-Feb-13 17:16:46

Don't all your dh's trousers and pants have holes in he crotch area? grin, oh the shame.

ChuffMuffin Sun 03-Feb-13 17:17:22

This happens to me all the time! I'm 5"10 with a 30" inside leg and no matter what fucking bastard size of tights I buy the crotch NEVER comes up anywhere near my actual crotch. It just seems like the crotch to waist bits are far longer rather than the legs. I spend all day trying to pull the fuckers up in that special classy, dignified loose tights way and they end up ripping. I have midget legs for my height FGS and they still don't fit!

Your DH should be made to wear a pair for a day and see how long it takes for him to rip them.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 03-Feb-13 17:17:28

You're married to a man who says you're not a proper mother??


jb198 Sun 03-Feb-13 17:19:25

I often let dd 5 dress herself when the once a month wonder is taking her out. Especially if I know they are going out somewhere. I tell her how cool she looks and then give him the biggest grin when I wave her off.
Makes me chuckle!

maras2 Sun 03-Feb-13 17:20:11

FFS Doin,how many times do you need to be told to kick his miserable,twatty skanky ass out?I hope that your bid on the house is successful.

Flisspaps Sun 03-Feb-13 17:20:18

No self respect? Fuck off hmm

I respect my children enough to not try and make them feel small by picking at unimportant non-issues, and I have enough self respect to know a hole in my tights that NOONE CAN SEE isn't worth getting myself tied up in knots.

Dooin, I don't know how you do it.

Coconutty Sun 03-Feb-13 17:20:44

If your DH is reading this then please know that you are a social cunt. (The worse kind)

OP, leave him.

shesariver Sun 03-Feb-13 17:20:46

I feel sorry for you, you are married to someone who doesnt respect you and thinks you are not a "proper" Mother - whatever that may mean hmm

Naysa Sun 03-Feb-13 17:21:06

Your husband's a massive twat. My tights have a hole in the crotch. So fucking what.

As long as your kids are clean an healthy it's none of anyone else's business.

Coconutty Sun 03-Feb-13 17:21:16

Oops, your DH is a social cunt, not you OP

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 17:21:36

When I was a child my mum made us wear two pairs of knickers with our tights, one under and one over, to stop them falling down confused

It never worked, the second pair of knickers just fell down with the tights. Maybe I should have made dd2 put extra knickers on?

thebody Sun 03-Feb-13 17:22:05

What a complete tool he sounds op.

MrsKoala Sun 03-Feb-13 17:23:40

I purposely cut holes in the crotch of my tights, so what does you dh think of that?!

<disclaimer - this may not be true>

My family are a bit like this about appearances. Always clutching pearls about a mismatching button or some inconsequential nonsense. It was a relief to grow up and meet normal people who don't care or notice such unforgivable social infractions. My nan was a horrible cold woman who felt she was a good mother Because my dad was 'always clean and matching' the fact she wouldn't hug him in case he messed up her clothes was completely fine tho apparently confused

He's the one with no self respect. He's giving his daughter's unnecessary hangups about shit that really doesn't matter.

What self respecting father would want to instill self doubt in his daughters? What self respecting father would speak down to his children's mother in their presence? What self respecting man is so obsessed with what his extended family think of him he would make his own children feel bad about themselves?

cocolepew Sun 03-Feb-13 17:24:41

Tell him to get the darning needle out then.

Genasai Sun 03-Feb-13 17:25:05

I have a jumper wih a hole in the boob. If I'm cold and it's the only one clean I'm wearing it, other people br damned!
YANBI - LO is 2 and has vests with stains, I'm not buying new ones to get the same way no one sees them!

Genasai Sun 03-Feb-13 17:26:37

Sorry for typos, I'm on my phone, not an illiterate fool...

MissVerinder Sun 03-Feb-13 17:28:44

What a nobber.

If his family are all talking about a hole in your DD's tights (which they will only know about if he tells them) they need to get a life. And a grip.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 17:31:01

It's not in front of them, I refuse to be around his family while he is there because of this behavior and normally don't allow the children to be around them with him either, but I couldn't stop from going their cousins party, she is only a child. Normally they see his family while he is at work/out drinking.

He is sending messages on via FB to tell me what an abomination I am.

I cope by ignoring him mainly, this seems to annoy him more hmm Although I may have lost my temper this time and replied telling him he is a nasty, fat cunt and his children will realise what kind of man he is one day and grow up hating him blush Not nice things to say, probably true, but on reflection I should have continued ignoring him.

He has been particularly nasty this week because I have an assignment due on Wednesday and he is trying to goad me into not finishing it, of course he hasn't admitted this, but every time I have an assignment due he turns into cunt of the year.

NcNcNcNc Sun 03-Feb-13 17:31:18

He's a twat.

What about enjoying the party? Seeing family? Playing together and having a laugh? No, I'm going to get upset about a hole no one will see hmm Tosser angry Way to teach your dc the right lessons, not sad

Narked Sun 03-Feb-13 17:31:24

Does he have issues? It seems very odd to be so worked up over such a minor thing, with no regard for the impact it's having on your DC. How does he feel about the fact that they have become obsessive about collecting shoes because of his behaviour?

Saying you're not 'a proper mother' is horrible.

Is this a result of his family? Are they like this? I can't imagine anyone I know 'talking about (you)' because of this.

simplesusan Sun 03-Feb-13 17:31:42

I would have done the same as you op.

Your dh is silly.

NcNcNcNc Sun 03-Feb-13 17:32:12

I mean him, not you op smile

Narked Sun 03-Feb-13 17:33:19

'He has been particularly nasty this week because I have an assignment due on Wednesday and he is trying to goad me into not finishing it, of course he hasn't admitted this, but every time I have an assignment due he turns into cunt of the year. '

Why are you with someone who treats you like that?

ll31 Sun 03-Feb-13 17:35:00

sounds awful for you, yanbu, he is being ridiculous.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 17:36:54

He denies having anything to do with the shoe collecting issue, despite dd1 stating several times that "If I get new shoes every week with my pocket money, then I will always have clean shoes that match everything, won't I Dad?" sad

She doesn't get new shoes every week, with her pocket money, she couldn't afford to, but every time she buys a new outfit we have to sit down with her shoe collection and work out if she has unblemished shoes that will match. She has perfectly adequate shoes that she won't wear because a sequin is missing or the soles are slightly worn, or they are slightly scuffed.

Dd2 just follows dd1. I don't think she has a shoe issue, I think she just wants more shoes to be like her sister. She still wears the same pair of muddy converse boots day in day out.

DeepRedBetty Sun 03-Feb-13 17:37:59

DOoin you're the only person I ever say LTB to on here and actually mean it.

Narked Sun 03-Feb-13 17:40:51

Does he have any positive qualities????

jjuice Sun 03-Feb-13 17:40:59

If it wasn't for the fact you said dds and not one of each I would have put money on you being new dp of my ex. He was exactly that twat.

Hope to god your house comes through soon.

FannyFifer Sun 03-Feb-13 17:41:26

I have read quite a few of your threads OP and i am always like WTF.

Why on earth are you with this disgusting excuse for a man, you really can't continue like this.

BarredfromhavingStella Sun 03-Feb-13 17:42:50

I am 34, today I am wearing jeggings with snot & chocolate handprints with a shirt that has 2 (I think) holes in it shock

Tell your DH to fuck off, if he can do a better job he can feel free...

catgirl1976 Sun 03-Feb-13 17:45:46

God you should see my tights blush


Your DH is being a prat

ihearsounds Sun 03-Feb-13 17:48:02

Well if your a bad parent, then he quiet simply needs to be reminded that he is indeed the most shittiest of parents.
He was aware that there was a hole. He is an adult with I assume access to funds. He could quite easily stopped in a store and bought more tights. Not trying to demean you the mother of his children. This is what grown ups do, which he seems incapable of acting like one, buy replacement, not demean.

If anyone hasn't got any self respect its the so called man in your life.

If he wants to start picking holes in everything, then I think you should actually start doing the same to him. Ridicule his clothing, his shoes, everything and anything. Childish yes. But might be the only way to get through to a spineless bully. Make he see for himself how demoralizing it is to be treated this way.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 17:48:08

I think his mum is like this, but not to this extreme. She wouldn't say anything directly to the DC (or me, because she knows what my answer would be) but she tells DH behind my back and then he reports back to me.

Although, this also could be just him. My sisters apparently both call me allsorts behind my back, telling him how scruffy and lazy I am and how I don't exercise my dogs or look after the kids properly. I know my sisters well enough to know that the youngest has no qualms about saying these things to my face, the oldest despises him and can't bear to talk to him, so I don't believe a word of it.

He tried it with my mum once, I casually mentioned to her what she 'had said to DH' about my parenting skills in front of DH and then sat back and watched the flames grin He doesn't bother telling me what my mum says about me now grin

AnyFucker Sun 03-Feb-13 17:49:49

He is an arsehole. As per.

catgirl1976 Sun 03-Feb-13 17:50:10

D0oin sad

He really doesn't sound very nice

Is he always like this with you?

quoteunquote Sun 03-Feb-13 17:52:12


Clearly you have failed as a good purchaser of tights, I would admit defeat and let all future tight buying be done by him,

Why is it your responsibility to keep a supply of tights anyway?

No self respect, for a hole in the tights?

I would have a look through his clothes and any with a hole in , better go in the clothing bin, just to be on the safe side as you wouldn't want him to end up been seen as having no self respect.

I hope you get your essay done without any more stress.

catgirl1976 Sun 03-Feb-13 17:52:39

And BTW - tell him from me, being matchy matchy with outfits is so passe - he's not a proper father letting your DD go out dressed like something from 2009 smile

Flisspaps Sun 03-Feb-13 17:52:51

Is there no other way than to wait for a council house?

If you're such a fucking abomination, can't he piss off to live with his perfect family?

Flisspaps Sun 03-Feb-13 17:53:57

quote does that include armholes, legholes, buttonholes...

I hope you can get out soon dooin, this is no way to live sad

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 17:58:06

No Fliss, I need a council house to keep the dogs with me. Only one private LL allows dogs in this town and he notorious for renting out shitholes and then refusing to do repairs.

Want2bSupermum Sun 03-Feb-13 18:00:47

Some men are funny when it comes to women bettering themselves. You are not the only one facing this.... My DH is highly successful at work and before we married I told him I would always work towards a successful career. To develop my career I have had to take my CPA exams which involved taking 30 accounting credits plus passing four exams in an 18 month window. DH is studying part time for his MBA. I have helped him so much with his studies yet when it came to me taking my exams he has left me in the lurch more than once. The message is loud and clear - my career doesn't matter which directly translates into 'I don't matter.'

If he wrote this to you on facebook and it is public I would respond saying something along the lines of 'I didn't know I was her only parent. As her father I would like to think you are capable of fixing a hole that can't be seen in a pair of tights if you are so bothered by this.'

With regards to your studies, you need to get help from a friend/your family. I hired a babysitter to come in and vounteered to travel for a month. I finished work at 8pm, walked back to the hotel and studied until 1am. My DH doesn't even realize what he is doing. My Dad had a word with him and DH was saying all the right things but his actions are the opposite. I really feel for you because I know how frustrating it is be so close, yet so far from accomplishing your goal.

WhichIsBest Sun 03-Feb-13 18:01:05

He still sounds awful, like last time you posted about him. sad

McNewPants2013 Sun 03-Feb-13 18:05:40

You can buy crotchless tights, apparently they are more hygienic

Want2bSupermum Sun 03-Feb-13 18:06:33

While I love my dog dearly I would give him to my brother/father (who love him dearly) before staying with someone I want to get away from.

When my DH gets funny with me I remind him that our DD will one day be married with children so it is very important she see from her father how she should be treated.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 18:12:27

If it was just Whippy I would, but no-one will have Devil Dog, he wasn't always a nice dog. Most people are scared of him, those who are not scared of him, simply do not like him.

He wouldn't fare well in rescue either, because of his past (former stray with a history of fear aggression, guarding, dog on dog aggression, a history of biting people etc)

I've no-where else to put him except with me. I doubt I'd even find a rescue space in this climate with that history and the alternative is not an option.

We should get a council house before too long. They told me it normally takes about 9 - 11 months, so it will be before Christmas at least.

If there was physical violence involved we'd be moved immediately, but there isn't, nor does he ever threaten to throw us out.

catgirl1976 Sun 03-Feb-13 18:18:54

Could you put something on gumtree / local paper saying "Wanted xx bed house for mum, xx children and 2 well behaved dogs?"

You never know

MrsKoala Sun 03-Feb-13 18:20:28

I haven't read your back story op. but he sounds fucking foul. Do you have an 'understanding' that your relationship is essentially over? Was he always so dreadful? Why does he hate you so much? Surely he loved you once. I just don't understand the mentality.

Fwiw my dad was always a total cunt If mum was ever going to see her family. He would always cause a massive row just before they turned up and would shout in front of them to embarrass her. He didn't realise the only person he was humiliating was himself. He really thought he'd taught her a lesson! Twat!

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 18:24:38

And a cat too. I'm not leaving FatCat behind grin FatCat is boring, he sleep and eats and sleeps and eats, so I never post about him, but I still luffs him grin

Gumtree is an idea. I will do that tomorrow. He's due back soon and I'm not risking another fight if he sees me posting the ad. He'd be bound to retaliate by posting derogatory comments about me under it or threatening to sell one of the dogs. Stoopid, eejit man.

I had a nice relaxing night planned tonight too and now I'm not really in the mood sad Vodka might help grin

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 18:28:35

I have an understanding the relationship is essentially over, but keep getting told "not to be silly" hmm or accused of being "an over dramatic bitch making threats to upset him"

He seems scared of loosing us. You would think he'd make an effort to be nicer, considering, wouldn't you? Apparently he is too dumb to think of being nice.

BeaWheesht Sun 03-Feb-13 18:29:41

I would absolutely NOT go through his wardrobe and unpick all the stitching at the crotch of every pair of trousers he owns. No I absolutely would not.

McNewPants2013 Sun 03-Feb-13 18:37:15

Beawheesht I think that give advice to follow

abbierhodes Sun 03-Feb-13 18:37:52

Dooin, I'm not here to flame you, but I'm going to say this anyway, just in case you haven't had it said to you before.
You are putting the dog before the emotional well-being of your children. You do know that, don't you?

By the time they're adults with issues the dog will be long dead and you'll wonder whether it was worth it.

And I'm really sorry if that's harsh, but I think you need to get your kids and (yourself!) away from this dickhead and his damaging behaviour.

I know they'll still see him, but at least you can start to show them what 'normal' is.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 18:42:36

No, abbier, we are leaving. We're just all leaving together. The whole family.

We are not staying so the dog can be happy, we're just waiting a short while for a house suitable for us all.

Dd2 would never forgive me if I gave her cat to rescue, so even without Devil Dog, we can't move unless it is to a pet friendly house. She is going to be upset enough as it is, she is the only person in the whole household who actually likes the idiot.

DameFanny Sun 03-Feb-13 18:46:02

What Bea said. Although I'd just loosen a few stitches so as to look like wear and tear. Especially at the back of jeans where he might not notice for a while.

And point out that Hyacinth Bucket isn't much of a style icon and matchy matchy is best left in the last century.

MrsKoala Sun 03-Feb-13 18:47:32

Ha! Can you take a pic of the shocked and outraged look on his face the day you leave and post it on here? Perhaps he cant be nice and is using his meanness to hope you will not have the confidence to leave? Well think again cuntmuffin! I'm cheering you on. smile

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Sun 03-Feb-13 18:49:52

I'd be pretty mortified to have a DH like him. can't imagine anything more shaming than being seen with such a moron....

Yfronts Sun 03-Feb-13 19:04:32

Maybe he has OCD? It's not normal to be that concerned with such small things like holes in tights or non matching shoes.

God he is such a complete and utter arse. I've got my fingers crossed that a Council house turns up soon.

He's a prick. And he'll always be a prick.

The sooner you're out of there, the better.

When you leave, dye all of his clothes the same colour so he'll always match.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 19:26:04

They're still not back angry

He is doing this on purpose. They were supposed to be back at 6:30pm to go to my mums. They're meant to be staying the night, because I have rare two days off in a row. It was all planned.

The girls are staying with my mum so I can have a bottle of wine and watch the film I have been waiting to see for months without having to worry about the school run. He knew this angry The tosser.

If he leaves it too late to get them to my mum he is doing the school run. I will go to my mum. Twat!

OCD? Hmm, he walks around in some states himself, so I doubt it. That's okay in his mind though, ill fitting footy shirts from 5 years ago, with faded jeans are the epitome of cool, so long as they don't have holes in hmm

He's happy to live in squalor too, if I don't pick up after everyone. Can you suffer from obsessive compulsive twattery? He might have that.

SolomanDaisy Sun 03-Feb-13 19:28:45

Have you ever asked him to leave? D

MrsDeVere Sun 03-Feb-13 19:30:26

There is obviously loads of back story so I am not going to defend him. Specially because he says thing in front of the kids.

But I will admit being like that with my DCs. Not TO them and not about anyone else's DCs.

I was scruffy bugger when i was a kid and got bullied. My clothes didn't fit, didn't match, had holes and stains. I never had anything remotely fashionable.

I can't help it when my DCs appear in mismatched, holey clothes. I literally clench blush

OH is the opposite and he had an even worse time than me. I think the difference is that his lack of clothes was down to poverty and mine was more lack of bother. He seems to deliberately dress the kids in their scruffiest clothes if we are not going anywhere. Like he is saving the others for best.

Which would be fine if my kids didn't have more clothes than Diana Ross grin

I would like to say I would be relaxed about a whole in some tights but to my shame I know I wouldn't. BUT at least I know that is my ishoo.

I hope you get your house soon and get away from him.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 19:30:53

The house and everything in it is in his name Soloman and he is welcome to it. I'm not going to be accused of stealing his inheritance. I can do better on my own.

I've asked him to leave and rent the house to us while we look for somewhere else but the answer is always "Why should I?"

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 19:45:19

Sorry you got bullied MrsDV sad

Like your children mine have drawers bursting with clothes. We can't shut dd2's, but she wanted to wear this particular dress and shoes and only has one pair of tights that remotely match, the dress is green, the shoes black and all her other tights are pink, red or grey school tights. I could have made her wear her playsuit, or shorts and leggings set, or her glittery top with her black leggins or a multitude of other 'fancy' outfits, but she wanted to wear this dress and I really didn't think a hole that no one will see would be an issue.

mrsbunnylove Sun 03-Feb-13 19:48:08

could be worse. dad was taking mum, me and daughter out for lunch one sunday (years ago) when the conversation turned to the washing not drying and it transpired that of three generations of women in the family, not one of us had a pair of knickers on...

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 19:48:51

Would it be unreasonable to text his sister and ask her to send them home? He's switched his phone off and they were meant to be at my mums at 7pm so they could be in bed by 8pm.

Flisspaps Sun 03-Feb-13 19:53:02

Perfectly reasonable. Failing that, pack an overnight bag and go to your mum's now. With your wine.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sun 03-Feb-13 19:54:04

I'd just start dripping gloucose into his mouth in the night and sugar into everything he eats...

KenLeeeeeee Sun 03-Feb-13 20:11:34

D0oin please forgive the stalkerishness, but I've just had a read of some of your previous threads about this total wankbadgercuntmuffin your husband, and I honestly don't know what I want to do first - scoop you, the kids, your cat & dog up into a huge hug & give you all a lovely house away from this foul man, or grab you by the shoulders & shake you silly for not leaving months, if not years ago.

He is truly hideous & his behaviour is appalling. He absolutely should be embarrassed, not by a hole in a pair of tights but by his own mindnumbing twattery.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits.

FannyFifer Sun 03-Feb-13 20:34:19

Did they come home?

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 20:37:15

Yes, just in time to be too late to go.

Dd1 is now sobbing "But I didn't do anything wrong" in bed sad

Apparently she has been asking to come home for ages and didn't want to go in the first place. He has succeeded in ruining everyone's night but his. Just what he wanted no doubt.

Flisspaps Sun 03-Feb-13 20:44:54

Utter, utter prick. Poor DD sad

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Feb-13 20:53:55

I would surgest that your DH has very little self respect and esteem as he obviously cares far to much about what other people think about him to the extent that he's willing to be nasty.

Sounds like he's either a wanker or needs a bit of therapy

Flisspaps Sun 03-Feb-13 20:58:36

Actually, I think he's a hypocrite.

He was whinging about what other people would think about DD having a hole in her tights, yet doesn't care what other people think about him forcing his DD to stay at an event she didn't want to be at, ignoring her pleas to leave to go to another pre-arranged thing and then making her so upset that she's crying?

ShellyBoobs Sun 03-Feb-13 20:59:48

Bloody hell DOoin. I don't know what else to say. sad

My OH just asked why I've got a tear in my eye.

idshagphilspencer Sun 03-Feb-13 21:04:40

OP you know what people will say about your OH before you post I'm sure. You had a thread just before Christmas and several before that. Is this the childhood you want for your DC's?

TheSecondComing Sun 03-Feb-13 21:11:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Feb-13 21:11:36

I've just read the last few pages, I haven't searched for your other threads so forgive me if I'm off the mark but those who have certainly think you have good cause for concern.

There does not have to be physical violence or threats of violence to get a temp occupation order so he has to leave until you get housed elsewhere it sounds like there is a lot of bullying going on of you and your kids, you could get legal advice and ask directly about forcing him to go obviously he gets to co,e back and keep his house after you have moved.

idshagphilspencer Sun 03-Feb-13 21:12:14

Why do you let this situation persist OP?

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 21:21:45

TSC I am on the waiting list for a council house. I cannot just magic up a house from nowhere. I am not willing to kill my dog and force dd2 to give up her cat for the sake of waiting for a house.

I will look into the occupation order. I had never heard of that before.

idshagphilspencer Sun 03-Feb-13 21:23:28

ah well so long as the dog and the cat are alright that's ok then.....

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 03-Feb-13 21:29:02

I'd set a fucking cat and dog on FIRE before I'd let my children suffer emotional abuse.

According to what other people on this thread are saying, you have a long history of posting threads about what a cunt your husband is but not actually doing anything about it.

I'm sorry, at some point, you become part of the problem.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 21:29:08

So what would you do idshag? Bearing in mind you have no access to any substantial amount of money?

What would you do with the cat and dog?

Where should I go and how do I get there, if not for the council house option?

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 21:29:56


If that is not doing something then fuck knows what is! FGS.

SolomanDaisy Sun 03-Feb-13 21:32:56

It's not for the sake of waiting for a house, it's at the sacrifice of your children's happiness and future mental health.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 03-Feb-13 21:33:33

Why not call Women's Aid? They may be able to help you.

As for the animals, perhaps there is someone who can keep them for you for a while. Or, you may be able to take them with you. But sitting and waiting for a council house to come up isn't doing anything.

(Why would they give you a house? As far as they're concerned, you already have a home. This is something Women's Aid can probably help you with.)

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 21:34:07

Where do I go then? With no money. What should happen to my child's cat?

SolomanDaisy Sun 03-Feb-13 21:34:08

Being on a waiting list is just waiting. Potentially for a long time.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 21:36:06

I had a family support worker who advised and helped me apply for the council house.

I will call WA in the morning but I don't see what they can offer that the FSW could not.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Feb-13 21:37:46

Those of you banging on about the op leaving with nowhere to go no money and fuck the animals probably have very little concept of the OAP's actual available options.

Often in suituations like this its not always the decent parent and the kids who need to leave and doing so is not the only option.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 03-Feb-13 21:38:03

Fucking call Women's Aid. You're not the first unemployed wife who needed to get away from an abusive asshole. Nobody is saying it will be easy, but you can do it.

And fuck the cat. Maybe you'll be able to take it with you. Maybe you'll be able to leave it with a friend until you're in a better place and your daughter can visit it. Maybe the cat will need to go to sleep and take a trip to kitty heaven. Your daughter would be devastated, yes. But, pets die. That's a normal part of life. It is NOT a normal part of life to be emotionally abused by one's father.

TheSecondComing Sun 03-Feb-13 21:40:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Feb-13 21:41:24

Katy,your talking rubbish a person whose housing is dependant on a relationship that is over is considered to be either homeless or vulnerably housed, that means she's perfectly entitled to be on the waiting list.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 03-Feb-13 21:41:32

sockreturningpixie, I'm not saying she has to get rid of the animals. I'm saying that they're no excuse for staying. The OP keeps bringing them up like they're an issue.

Maybe there are other options, but all the OP has said is that she's on a list for a council house.

DOinMeCleanin, maybe WA can't do much for you. But, they might be able to. They might be able to bump you up the list a bit. They might have some legal advice so that you can stay in your home.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 21:44:34

I have no idea why I would be given a home, but I have points on system that allow me to bid for a new home, so someone, somewhere, must think I am entitled to one. I assume the people running our council housing system knows the ins and outs of it better than I do. The FSW who helped fill in the forms, most probably also has a clue, since housing is what she specialised in.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 21:45:03

What options TSC?

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Feb-13 21:50:06

No she's not,she's trying to minimise the disruption to her children and avoid having to leave there pets.

As far as shes said she's not experiencing actual violence, her children love there dad who just so happens to be a twat.

Woman's aid would also agree she is making a perfectly valid choice and is taking steps to change the would most respected domestic abuse groups/ charity's/ intervention partnerships.

The only thing it appears she hasn't done that she should have is obtained decent legal advice.

Her DH sounds like he's critical and bullying enough do you think its really helpful if you do it as well?

Dooin, if you need space to study during the day when the girls are at school, you can come to my house and be more than welcome. I can't take in the cat and dogs cos I'm allergic sad but if your cat gets on with others OK, my neighbour probably would take FatCat for a while - she has several already and dotes on every one for miles around. I can ask her.
I live near the Travellers, and I mean this sincerely - if you need a place to study, or even somewhere to store "stuff" while you're waiting to move out, LET ME KNOW and I will help. We have some space in the garage to put stuff if it's well wrapped against damp.
Oh and Katy what on earth makes you think Dooin is unemployed? She is the one with the job in her family, and she works bloody long hours to support them, with no thanks from her so called DH.

TheSecondComing Sun 03-Feb-13 21:52:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Those of you saying get rid of the pets - have you stopped to consider how the dd's would feel about that?
Getting rid of the pets would traumatise them, for life.
There would be no getting over that! Getting rid of the pets (setting them on fire, really? FFS!) would be worse than patiently biding time until the whole family can be rehoused. Together. To build a new life. You can not build a new life if that life is built on the killing of the pets. Well some of you perhaps could, but I could not!
The whippy dog belongs to Doins dd1. The cat to dd2. But sure, getting rid of them would not at all be traumatic hmm

Doin, you are doing the right thing. Could your parents put up with devil dog for a while whilst you find a rented house (whippy would class as a cat, easier to find a house with two cats wink )

defineme Sun 03-Feb-13 21:53:58

I would give the cat to my friend, the frog and the fish to my other friend and the dog to my mum. But if I didn't have these options I would give the animals to the RSPCA and I would lie to my dd saying they were poorly and had to go away. I love animals I really really do, but my dc come first every single time. Who would you save in a fire? I really don't know. This will fuck them up for life you know.

Can't believe you'd post that your dd is crying in bed...sad

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 21:54:48

What are my options TSC?

That's very, very kind of you Pom. DH works during the day, so I am able to study then.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 21:58:15

The RSPCA no longer take in animals from the general public defineme.

My parents would have Whippy, but not Devil Dog because my mum is scared of him and tries to eat their smaller pets.

Dd1 is staying at grans tomorrow now, so is happy. It's just me that is left to suffer now. I have college things tomorrow night, so cannot rearrange my night. DH knew that, which is why he has done this.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 03-Feb-13 22:00:02

I'm not seriously suggesting that anybody set a pet on fire. Of course not. That was hyperbole to get across that I really don't think pets are as important as people. I disagree that waiting to get everyone moved together to a new house is most important. If the daughter is going to bed crying because her father emotionally abuses her, then that's really, really, really awful. That's going to fuck her up way worse than having to let the cat go somewhere else.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 22:03:17

Yes, but leaving the pets aside, where do I go with no money Katy? My wages are spent three days after I get paid on food, school dinner money and other child related expense. I have no savings to access.

Globular Sun 03-Feb-13 22:04:19

I can't speak for TSC but this bit No Fliss, I need a council house to keep the dogs with me. Only one private LL allows dogs in this town and he notorious for renting out shitholes and then refusing to do repairs. made it sound like if it weren't for your pets, you'd have other options.

I'm not judging you by the way (have no idea of your backstory and wouldn't presume to know what the best course of action would be) but that struck me as saying there were other potential options.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 03-Feb-13 22:06:32

I don't know, to be honest. I can understand that it may be very hard to find a place. I hope that a council house comes available for you. I'm not sure how the pets even factor into that.

I hope your family is able to help you somehow. Perhaps with additional childcare so that you can get a second job.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 22:07:29

Well, there are if I had money, there are private rented, but I don't have money. There is an assured bond scheme I can apply to, but that has limited funds and only a small number of LLs who accept it. There is no guarantee I would get it because we are not homeless or at risk of being made homeless.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Feb-13 22:22:59

Again op, you need to also get some decent housing advice, you are vulnerably housed due to the house being your DH's and you no longer wishing to remain in a relationship with him.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Feb-13 22:25:33

And having pets is a recognised challenge to housing even amongst those who are experancing physical abuse.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 22:30:46

That's what the FSW said and she told me my best option would be to apply for a council house, which we did.

I will see CAB tomorrow. They do their housing advise clinic on a Monday morning.

sparrowfart Sun 03-Feb-13 22:31:31

I work for a local authority and have some limited understanding of housing policy - I was under the impression that if you need to leave the home because of an abusive relationship that you would get considerable the council know your full circumstances?
And no, it is not mortifying. If he is so mortified perhaps he needs to go through DDs wardrobe and mend anything that needs mending. hmm

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 22:33:01

They know I wish to leave the relationship due to emotional and financial abuse of myself and emotion abuse towards the children. We got points based on those circumstances.

shine0ncrazydiamond Sun 03-Feb-13 22:36:00

Seems to me like you have chosen a bloody animal over your children's welfare. There is not much talking to you though because this is an ongoing situation.

Whilst you have your priorities all skewed < that is, choosing damn animals over your very own human beings > I shall continue to read your posts until 2020 or the day you see sense.

minkembra Sun 03-Feb-13 23:07:54

Jeezo guys. it is hard to leave. even someone who is horrible and unreasonable. kids tend to love their fathers even if they are a bit useless. so dragging your kids away from their dad who will then almost inevitably go on about how sad he is and how tough it is for him and make the kids feel sorry for him. no matter how shit he is the kids won't turn cartwheels about leaving and they won't say oh well never mind about the pets.

Drag them away from their dad and kill their pets!?! You don't think that might cause them issues? Even if you lie about it.

All the OP wanted to know was is he unreasonoble. yes he wbu. it can be hard to tell sometimes when you are in EA relationship cos they can make you feel like yabu.

well done op for applying for council house. hope it comes soon.

If you could get money for deposit to move i think there may be charities/ ppl who take in pets in precisely these circumstances as abusing pets is often a part of the control strategy in abusive relationship. but that would only work if you can get somewhere and if you say you cannot who are we to judge.

Keep pestering the council and try WA. good luck.

And holey tights. not a problem.

Softlysoftly Sun 03-Feb-13 23:14:00

Total sidetrack here (I don't know your history) but is it just me that thinks "Devil dog" sounds really really unsafe around kids confused.

Not that I think topping your pets solves all your issues but to pp who said the kids would be traumatised for life I think that's exaggeration. Pets go to pet heaven, or to live in fields as companions to racehorses (Thanks dad) or sometimes they just get eaten by bigger animals (Thanks mum) harsh lesson but one we all learn and get over. What isn't so easy to get over is the abuse of someone who is supposed to give unconditional love.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 23:26:11

No, my dog is not dangerous, those are issues he has now overcome, but a rescue would still need to know about them, without ongoing management and training they could resurface, he will always be a dog who not socialised during the critical period and he will always be mistrustful of people.

He is not dangerous in my house, with my kids, but he could become dangerous if he was ill managed by someone who did not know his past.

I will not be murdering my children's pets to drag them off to god knows where with no money.

I will phone WA and see what they have to say. I will contact CAB and we will most likely continue waiting for a council house for several reasons.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 04-Feb-13 00:30:40

Op do you bid on every house you can?

Are you able to write a list of things to ask the CAB tomorrow.

Put occupation orders at the top of your list

TheBossOfMe Mon 04-Feb-13 02:35:48

DOoin - I don't normally post on threads like this, but something about your situation makes me feel that I have to speak up.I have read so many of your posts - and as so many people upthread say, nothing seems to change for you.

You admit you are being emotionally and financially abused by your DH.

You admit that he is emotionally abusing your children.

You admit that at least one of your children is developing emotional issues as a result of this abuse (the shoe thing is exactly that).

Yet you stall and stall and stall over actually doing ANYTHING to protect your children, because you are worried about your pets.

Here's what's highly likely to happen to your DDs if you don't do something about it soon. They are going to start to see such patterns of abuse as normal. They are going to start seeing you as someone who doesn't protect them from it. They are going to become people-pleasers, highly anxious, living on the edge of their emotions all the time.

And they are going to repeat the behaviour in their adult life, sub-consciously choosing men just like your DH. Because by doing nothing, you are teaching them that this is OK. And don't kid yourself that bidding on council houses feels like something to them - because right now it feels like doing nothing to them.

I speak from experience here.

And the thing you put above all of this, that you hold up as the most important thing in all of this is what? YOUR PETS. You are sending a message to your children that they are not as important as your pets. Yes, they will be upset if they have to leave their pets behind, but they will get over that. The abuse? Not so much.

Think about this. Stop and really think about this. Do you want your DDs to spend their adult lives trapped in a similar marriage? Because that's what you are setting them up to do.

I understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship. I really do. But you are past the first hurdle, which is recognising you should leave it. Please, for the sake of your DDS, take the next step and actually leave. Go to a refuge, go to a friends, go anywhere but stay where you are now.

Morloth Mon 04-Feb-13 09:06:14

Shrug, he will just keep doing it until you leave.

How long will you put up with this for the sake of some animals?

mrsjay Mon 04-Feb-13 09:13:03

just leave him council houses are like hens teeth just leave dont wait until you have a bid this man by the sounds of is making you r life miserable, people leave they get housed this is an emergency, good luck today or you could ask him to leave ,

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType Mon 04-Feb-13 09:23:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 09:33:51

Doin, you know you need to leave. You've known it for a long time. All the excuses reasons you have for staying are just because you're scared. I understand that - I really do. It is scary to leave a relationship, even an abusive one. It is scary to move house. It is scary to be a single parent for the first time. It is scary to put your children through change that they will not like. The whole thing is scary.

But set against that, is the fact that your daughters are now caught up in this. This tips the balance, doesn't it? While it was just you suffering, it was just your problem if you chose to stay. But now it is your daughters' problem too. If you don't love yourself enough to LTB, then act out of love for your children.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:45:54

And here are some bits of info that might be useful practically, Doin...

Here is the Women's Aid Survivors Handbook. It has loads of practical, emotional and legal advice. You may especially want to look at the section on Helping Your Children. Children are badly affected by domestic abuse, in many different ways.

Here is their info and advice about emotional abuse. Look at the last FAQ...

You might be able to get him out, rather than leaving, at least in the short term. Here is some info about occupation orders. You could be granted temporary occupation of the house, even tho' it's legally his, until you are housed elsewhere. You have a good case because you have children, you are the primary carer, you do not have independent income, and there is abuse. You may also be able to get a non-molestation order to stop him harassing or pestering you. You really need to see a solicitor.

If you need to leave, Women's Aid will help you. You are on the 'normal' council waiting list, but because of the emotional abuse you and your children are experiencing, you could seek emergency accommodation - the rules are different and you will be re-housed more urgently, though perhaps in temporary accommodation like a refuge or B&B. Here are some accommodation FAQs on the Women's Aid website.

I don't know where you are, but the Dogs Trust have a fostering project in some areas that is specifically intended to help women leave abusive relationships. Your dogs will be fostered until you are settled in new accommodation:

Hope some of that is useful.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:48:26
mrsjay Mon 04-Feb-13 10:51:33

I think flow has given your wonderful practical advice I know you said we were to ignore past stories etc but how can we when we know this is all part and parcel of how miserable it is, this is not just about a hole in a pair of tights

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType Mon 04-Feb-13 10:58:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparkle12mar08 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:23:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mrsjay Mon 04-Feb-13 11:27:13

Theres some really good advice on here. I wish youd take it.

^ ^ this I guess people will do what they want regardless of advice even if they know they will be living with an abusive person,

My mum did it with 2 men divorced the 1st still with the second seriously growing up in that is just shit,

schmoodles Mon 04-Feb-13 11:29:18

Yes, I've seen her posts in the DogHouse. I will never understand militant dog owners who put animal before humans but anyway... these aren't my kids to make decisions for.

sparkle12mar08 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:38:30

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:42:03

The RSPCA also has a fostering scheme for people fleeing domestic abuse (I didn't know that before - just found it) called Pet Retreat.

It is not unusual for women to stay in abusive relationships because they can't work out what to do about their pets. It is one of the most common reasons women give for not leaving. sad Here is an overview with various other links and contacts that might be useful.

AvonCallingBarksdale Mon 04-Feb-13 11:59:38

Ah, this is so sad sad. I've read lots of your posts Do0in and although you sound lovely, it's heartbreaking to see you put your pets above your DC (which, however you spin it, you are). The pets will die soon enough and they are animals. I get how, for some people, they're part of the family, but your poor DC willl know when they're older that they weren't as important as the dogs and cat and that's very upsetting. Please, just consider leaving and giving the dogs to a rescue. But, as a PP said, it's not my DC here, so.. shrug.

MrsDeVere Mon 04-Feb-13 13:02:16

You have been given very good advice.
All I can add is that I really cannot see you being re-housed by the council in the time scales you have given.

Not in your own, permanent home. Not within the year.

And if you are offered temporary accommodation it is likely you will not be able to take your pets with you. Depending on your dog's breed you might not be able to take them into social housing full stop.

I am working with families who are having to be physically evicted before the council with consider housing them. They are extremely vulnerable families.

I hope the information you were given is correct but it sounds wrong to me.

fuzzypicklehead Mon 04-Feb-13 13:58:13

Damnit, I just lost a really long post.

The short version: OP, I get where you're coming from. Where in the country are you? There are fosterers and Rescues able to deal with dogs like Devil Dog (I have a very similar foster dog at the moment) until you get sorted. It would mean you can get yourself into some emergency accomodation until a house comes up.

NcNcNcNc Mon 04-Feb-13 14:23:35

Where are you based op? I used to foster for Cats Protection and have 5 of my own, I have no problem with fostering your cat for you. I'm in the Midlands, let me know if I can help smile

What a lovely offer NcNcNc

NcNcNcNc Mon 04-Feb-13 15:32:17

I have 3 dogs too but as they're tiny miniscule one it may be better if I didn't offer to have DevilDog grin think he might see lunch smile (and I'm scared of dogs bigger than a cat blush )

Seriously, pm me if you it would help you, our house is so crazy one more is no problem.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 04-Feb-13 23:21:09


BupcakesAndCunting Mon 04-Feb-13 23:26:44

I am sick of reading about your wanker bloke, Dooin! Not sick of you posting about him, just sick of hearing about him being a megacunt AGAIN.

He is a tosspot a massive one and I hope he goes missing. There I said it.

sparkle12mar08 Tue 05-Feb-13 12:07:16

Excuse me, but why the hell am I the only one to have been deleted on the thread?!!! I said absolutely nothing that other posters including TSC, Shineone, abbierhodes, Katycleaninglady etc haven't said as well, nothing!

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