to wonder why MIL is buying a crib for HER room?(76 Posts)
Im 18+2 with my first baby. This baby will be the first grandchild for both my parents and my OHs Mum.
Last night OH mentioned that his Mum is buying baby stuff to keep at her house - a great idea & will really help us out for when we go to visit. His Mum lives about 45 minutes drive away so not having to lug everything with us every time will be good.
Just not sure why she's buying a crib/moses basket to put next to her bed?????
I'm already having feelings of worry that other family members are going to hog the baby and I'm not going to get bonding time - I realise this is probably irrational and due to hormones OH & I are living with my parents at the moment til we get our own place, but realistically this wont be for another year. Now my sister is moving back from London & staying with my parents too, to coincide with baby being born (grrr) So it'll be a full house & I can't see when I'm going to have alone time to bond with my baby.
Are you sure you haven't misunderstood?
I guess she is planning on having your DC for over night stays?!
So she's bought two moses baskets/cribs?
I'm thinking that she hopes she will get the baby for overnight stays.
Is it not for when you go and visit so you can put baby down to nap whioe you have lunch
if / when she mentions that she has bought a moses basket just say - 'oh thanks that will help so much as we haven't got one yet for having the baby sleep in at home'
people tend to like to be near newborn babys but you will have plenty of time to bond - when others are at work - taking baby out for walks in pram, bath times, etc oh and especially when baby does nappies that no-one else wants to change
Oh you are not hormonal at all, this is very common. Grandmothers come over all funny when their first grandchild is born and they go to la la la land where they can pretend that the baby is actually theirs.
Expect it to get worse, especially as you live with your parents she will demand that she gets baby all to herself as often as possible.
If its any consolation, it will all calm down and if you have more babies you will miss the huge fuss over your first.
I agree with mogandme...perhaps it's really just to use for when you visit.
You're maybe misinterpreting it.
Just take it that way and cross any other bridge when you come to it. That's what I would do.
If baby is able to fit in a loses basket, it is to young to be sleeping in anyone's room but their parents.
Tell her to back off!
OH just said she's buying a crib to put next to her bed, & she's also buying a travel cot to put in his room for when we stay. OH still has a room that's 'his' bedroom in the house, so it wont be for when I decide to have a nap with baby, otherwise he'd have said it's to go in his room.
His Mum is really generous and we have a good relationship,
but this has scared me a little. I guess it's just because I already am quite worried about how other family members will want to be involved.
Feel awful for moaning about it when people are wanting to be so generous and are obviously excited about the baby I feel like such a bad person!!
Do you ever stay over there? Even for a visit in the day it could come in useful. Try not to freak out.
I think you may have misunderstood. Did she actually say "im getting a crib to put next to my bed" ? She just sounds excited and if she has bought other stuff to make things easier when you go and stay, she sounds really nice.
I would have been absolutely thrilled to have been living with my parents and sister when my (completely sleep averse) DS was a baby. DP was not much help and I was so tired I could scarcely think for the first six months. Don't worry about bonding, your baby will know who her/his mummy is. Re Moses basket, I think you should blithely assume this is for the baby to nap in when you visit ILs.
Cross post. Ok it does sound a little weird. My son sleeps in with grandma when we stay but that wasn't until he was around 2.
She maybe overstepping but from what you've described she sounds a nice, generous person who may be getting a bit carried away. I don't think it's worth mentioning anything yet beyond maybe a casual comment that you don't plan on spending a night apart from the baby until its at least 6 months old. See how you feel when the baby is here, you may feel you are glad of the offer of some help and a night off once baby is a few months old.
its some wierdo thing that happens to grandmas.
when daughter was up the duff, she decided on a name for the baby. but her husband doesn't like patterns, so the baby would never be able to have a name-related-room. so instantly, i thought i'd make a room for her at mine. i didn't, i'm not organised enough and son in law doesn't seem to mind those patterns on the baby. also, i know that being with me, instead of mum and dad, wouldn't be what the baby wants.
but the 'make a room' thing was already in my head, just waiting to be switched on. as if its built in.
i really don't think it is about grandmas 'thinking the baby is theirs'. i think its a survival mechanism. they are ready to take this on if they have to. i saw grandaughter three and a half hours after she was born, and as soon as she made a little cry i felt the let-down reflex 'pain' i hadn't had since daughter stopped breastfeeding at the age of four, twenty five years earlier. i think we're set up to do this.
there are/were some cultures where young mothers send the baby to be nursed and cared for by the grandma, while they get on with their young-adult type lives. i think all this might be in our genes!
be very firm that you and the baby need to be alone together as much as possible in the first six weeks. let all the other relatives provide for you, support you, but not 'take the baby' etc. the baby needs to be in skin contact with you.
the 'crib by the bed' is a bit of a hint that your mil might expect too much. they sometimes want 'fair shares', the same amount of time with the baby as the other grandma. its all a load of codswallop. don't fall for it.
your baby, your rules.
I think some strange grandmothers do that.
I don't think that will happen to me!
I'll be one of those happy to babysit when needed. My mum was a bit all encompassing with ds1 and it annoyed me. Mil is lovely and is happy to babysit when needed, enjoy them, and hand them back to us with a smile. I'm going down that route when my time comes.
I've got three kids, and I see going wherever I want, and doing what ever I like, as the thing to look forward to. My freedom.
I won't be the sort of granny who wants to play at mummies. The thought makes me feel all kinds of wrong.
I will however, babysit for any grandchildren any time - therefore, I would get all the gear so I was prepared. I'll use charity shops and the like.
If the baby was ff and they wanted to go out, I'll have a tiny baby. If they wanted to nest in until the baby was older, I'll get on with my own life because I am planning on being busy around then anyway.
My mil does this. She is the best mil and granny you could hope for.
Maybe your mil is like that too?
she is over enthusiastic delighted and excited at the thought of a grandchild all she has done has bought a crib it really is nothing your baby does not need to go in it or stay over night , it would be handy if you are visiting and the baby could sleep in it, but really she sounds lovely just a bit over excited don't sweat it, cross the baby staying over things when it comes
Calm down. Think how lovely it is that she is this excited. It isn't weird.
mrsbunnylove speaks a lot of sense. However I dont understand at all about name related rooms and patterns on baby, but aside from that, I agree...
Yy I need to know about patterns and name related rooms too?
I assumed like the name Daisy then having daisy stencils or patterns in the baby's room?
I am imagining a baby called Chintz or Burberry.
Is that close?
assumed like the name Daisy then having daisy stencils or patterns in the baby's room?
That is kinda what I thought maybe the just like plain walls in the bedroom
My imagination was more humdrum, as in "Square" or "Triangle".
I can see how it works with Lily, Daisy or Violet. But I dont understand how it is possible to like the name, say Daisy, and not like daisies.
No she is very definite about patterns.
When you stay-put the things so that they are where you want them whilst staying there.
Maybe she´s thinking that you´ll be ffeeding & she can do some night time feeds?
Paisley I can understand. I like the name, but dont like the pattern.
How about Fleur De Lys?
Or something geometric?
Is this perhaps her way of informing you that she wants the baby for overnights ASAP?
It may be worth having a think about how you feel about that and if your not happy about it then work out a nice but clear way of letting her know.
Ime grandparents and parents get on much better if your clear about what is and what isant going t happen with your child.
But remember clear does not mean rudely or unkindly.
OP, when my PFB was born my MIL bought a lovely crib, cot and pram.
However, as she didn't bother her backside to ever mind him they largely went unused. Think he slept in cot twice for naps while we visited... the pram was used once when at age 18 months I lost the plot and asked her if she ever planned to use it.
She used that pram once to walk him around the block
He's too old now for those things, and we now have PsecondB, and yeah, she isn't bothered again.
Some people see cribs, bouncers etc as 'ornaments' just something to have around to look the part of a doting gran.
<lurking for pattern update>
A baby so young it is in a moses basket, is in my opinion too young for overnight stays without mum or dad. And if dad is there, baby is with him, not mil, I should think. Unless baby is breastfeed, then baby is with mum and dont go on overnight stays until much older. Nobody can argue that a breastfed baby should come and stay nights at grandmas. Babies often wake up to feed several times per night, so it would be unfeasible in whatever way baby is fed, anyway...
Your mil may be lovely and you may be over thinking this, as some people suggest. If you're at all worried about control issues, though, set your boundaries before your baby is born and make sure your DP is on-side. And don't, whatever you do, start bandying names around with other family members; really just keep it between you and your dp until your baby is born and then just tell everyone what you've named him/her.
It is nice that she is so excited. Having brought up DS1 with absolutely zero outside help, until he was 3, I can tell you how difficult it is when grandparents aren't there to help you.
DS2 has had sleepovers with his paternal grandmother since he was very young and it has been a lifesaver as he is also sleep averse. They have a fantastic relationship, and everyone is happier.
It must also be on her mind that you are living with your parents, so she may feel a little pushed out. Maybe she is just making sure she has everything you need, so you will want to take baby there. Do you think your parents would have a cot / moses basket if the situation were reversed and you lived with his Mum?
My mil bought cot (not even a travel one a nicer one than ours) walkers prams expensive toys etc etc to keep at hers.
I think they just enjoy the shopping for a baby thing sometimes.
You might WANT to stay there, you might not, you might want her to have the baby overnight, you might not.
Just play it by ear. Her buying the gear Dosent mean it has to get used.
I'm a Granny and I didn't go bonkers when DGC1 was born
I have seen it in others, but they tended to be bonkers to start with.
I think a lot of you are right about her maybe feeling a bit pushed out, especially as my mother is retired and will be at home a lot. So I'll make sure I make extra effort to make sure she's involved as much as poss. It is something I thought about a while back but I seem to have forgotten again - woops.
She really is the best MIL I could ask for, I really love her to bits. And she is so generous
and OH is her favourite boy , it's understandable she's excited.
I think I just freaked out at thinking people are assuming that they'll be keeping the baby overnight. And like PickledInAPearTree said, I need to just play it by ear. OH is keen for us not to become clingy parents and is already talking of the two of us having nights out here & there after baby is born I've, in the past, quietly scoffed at friends who are parents who can't let their kids out their sight to have an evening out - and now I understand!! (smacks own hand)
My mil is lovely and did the same thing my ds is 2 now and still hasn't stayed overnight! It was funny when sil was pregnant and her mil did the same thing, mil and sil sat round the table complaining and saying why would baby to be need to stay anywhere else. No one noticed the irony of the unused Moses basket and crib upstairs!
I think she's just got a little over excited. If you usually get on well then I'm sure things will be fine once the baby has arrived.
ps. curious about mrsbunnyloves patterns too lol
It doesn't matter what people assume will happen. All bets are off until the baby's here and you know what you want and what suits your baby.
It doesn't sound like she's the sort of person that will need the law laid down in advance, just that she's got a little carried away with it all.
My mum and MIL both went a bit baby-crazy when I was PG and when DS was tiny. They're lovely, and I'm glad to have both of them being such a big part of his life, but I remember a few times where my voice got a little bit high-pitched 'Thanks MIL, that's lovely but we're not actually formula feeding so we don't need all that stuff you've bought - so kind of you, I do hope you kept the receipt. No, I don't think he is hungry in the night for a bottle. No, it's lovely of you to offer to get up and give him a bottle, but it's fine for me to feed him in the night as long as I'm breastfeeding. No, I'm not sure he would be better off in your room. It's very kind of you, but I think it's better he stays with me.' with my voice getting a little bit higher and higher the whole time!
But I'm so glad that I managed to involve them and find a balance where it was clear that they were a huge part of his life but that I'm his Mum. Partly because of the childcare angle - DS goes to stay with the ILs sometimes and has a great time, which is brilliant for DH and I too. But mostly because the ILs and my parents won't be around for ever, and I think it's great that DS has an emotional bond with them and will remember them.
I know it's hard, but try to draw your boundaries gently and without excluding her. We'll all be mother-in-laws to someone one day!
Well, you won´t be needing a Moses basket & travel cot at first, so pack the TC away & put the MB in the room that you´ll all be staying in when you visit.
Thank her and say it will be so useful to have travel cot there for naps. Babies in Moses baskets for a very short time and not sure that you will all be doing overnights in first tree months at hers so might NOT need the Moses basket for your guest room there and can always bring your own in any case of you all staying over as a family in the very early days. (This will make it clear that its very unlikely she will be having newborn in her room a make sure she hears you though!)
It's not BU to expect a tiny baby to sleep with parents not GP. In fact it is recommended that baby stays close to mother in same room for first few months by the NHS so pretty uncontroversial stuff.
Excited granny! But agree gentle boundaries need to be in place and good mannered discussions happen early rather than hormonal stand offs post birth.
Congrats on pregnancy.
I think wrt - baby staying over nights and having your own nights out with DH, the best approach is a "Yes dear that sounds great, not yet though, but soon enough" repeat for a year or two pleasantly. Best to avoid arguments in advance as once baby comes DH will realise life is different.
Nod and smile and then just do your own thing when you get to that point.
nod and smile and then just do your own thing when you get to that point.
^ ^ that , no point in getting all het up about it till the time comes, If you dont wan't your baby staying away that is ok ,
<ponders having DC3 just to call her/him Argyll>
Sounds like my MIL. I am 20 weeks with what will probably be her only ever grandchild. She is also lovely, but does seem to have become a bit weird about it recently. I am having same worries as you, and feeling guilty about it! Agree with what others have said, I will be setting the boundaries straight after the birth as i want the first few weeks to be just the 3 of us.
My DD had overnights at gps before she was out of Moses basket, she was 6 months I think. Sounds like she is just excited.
CatAndFiddle so glad it's not just me!
I would love the first 3 weeks to be just the 3 of us just know that in reality there is no way of that being possible and it's likely that the door will be ringing non-stop. Also, it's not my door to answer, or ignore!
Hopefully it'll only be an intial frenzy of visitors & then OH & I can find time to ourselves to bond as a family
Hi, you will have as much time as you choose to bond with your baby as I done expected t anyone will actually snatch it out if your arms so don't panic.
Your mil is probably excited and hoping you visit her house lots and stay over.
You don't ever have to leave your baby overnight with anyone at any age if you don't want to, I didn't ever leave any if my 4,, why would I?
It helps if you bf but if you ff just insist that you do the feeding, you should anyway.
Start as you mean to go in but do remember the baby is part of an extended family that sounds warm and caring so you are lucky.
Not sure re reference to your sister?
ps. curious about mrsbunnyloves patterns too lol
sorry - to say what patterns would be to give her name away. i'd started the post before i realised. we are all aspies. plain is sometimes good for us. except... the baby has a pretty name...
Axminster Von Zigzag is a charming name for a baby, but I do see why your son in law would be worried about patterns in the nursery, Bunny.
Every woman in your family goes a bit nuts when first bubba is born. I cam remember my sister telling me her boobs felt leaky when she held my first born. My mil was completely bonkers. She spoke to me through the baby for about the first 8 months of his life, as in "ooh what has mummy been up to this week", this will annoy the crap out of you. Refusing to go home because, " my grandson s talking to me" (yeah love he's 3 weeks old). Oh g it was awful, even more awful in hindsight, I used to have the blinds drawn and the phone on voicemail, she was OBSESSED. Lol luckily for me her other son had 2 babies in short succession after and that changed my life. I am sure yours won't be that bad! They do go back to normal eventually and to be fair to my mil she has done a lot for us but my god, the early days! So yes it probably is her hormones, and yours and your mothers hormones any any other woman you know!
Well, at least she is a 45 min drive away.....mine is a 5 min walk!!! She also has a key...(!) Anyway, like yours, my MIL is very generous and kind, and I know it would be so much worse to have one of these MIL from hell you read about on here. I'm blaming the hormones too.
My oh mum said she was going to turn her office into a nursery.. BUT said they will never babysit on a Saturday as its there night, Fridays they are tired from work and like to chill out so that's not really convenient and during the weeks a bit much.. So basically you want a nursery for everyone elses benefit yet you don't actually want to baby sit
But in all honesty once the dare I say it novelty wears off it seems you don't get bugged so much!
I never understand why people go in for nurseries in the first place. Babies do not care about wallpaper with tiny ducklings on and when they are toddlers all they want is Peppa Pig everything.
Well if my MIL had done that I would have given her a huge hug. But that's hindsight. At the time of my 18 week pregnancy status I might have thought it a bit odd. I don't mind one bit that my daughter sleeps in a cot next to her grandmother's bed when she stays overnight. Best place to be.
If your own family get a bit much, you might be glad of the option of staying with just MIL to get a bit of a breather.
Obviously baby in your guest room, of course.
As others have said, try not to worry too much right now, and calmly defend your boundaries once baby is there.
We took a spare Moses basket over to my parents' house so DS had somewhere to nap & for when we all stayed over. When he outgrew that, they bought a 2nd hand travel cot.
Now he's 19m & stays over once a week so they've bought a cot.
If they'd bought a cot while I was pregnant, I'd have been horrified, and worried about their expectations but it all developed naturally & with lots of open discussion.
Wees - its nice you will have lots of family support when the baby arrives - but make sure it is just that, and not family taking over. Speak to your mum and days about wanting bonding time and visitors to a minimum for the first few weeks - and explain to MIL you are delighted she is so excited but baby will be in with you whilst tiny so second Moses basket at hers might be an unnecessary expense.
Oh MIL did a nursery too! DS is 3, he's slept over 2 times, first time at 18months.
I smiled and said "oh, thank you for the offer, if we need overnight care, it's so nice to know the office is there." then not actually use it. We live close enough to not need to sleep over when we visit, and I know that some people feel really comfortable leaving their DCs regularly with other extended family, that was never for me. MIL has babysat here a few times though.
Thankfully though, PIL are wealthy and I know she's not spent anything she can't afford to lose, if money is tight for your PIL then I might want to rein her in.
Main thing is though, her decision to buy this stuff without asking you if you want her too should never be used as a way to make you feel guilty into leaving your DC when you don't want to. Make sure your DH backs you up, a child is not a toy to be handed round to make sure everyone gets their 'turn' with them.
It's not irrational to think that other people might get over excited and try to take the baby away from you, depressingly it happens with a lot of mothers. Perhaps talk to your DH now and agree that visitors for the first 2 weeks will be for a maximum 2 hours and he needs to back you up in this. Stress the importance of bonding.
DD is future MIL's 6th DGC (and was probably unexpected from a long term POV as DP was divorced and his DB & DS have finished their families). When we went to see her last year when DD was 5mo, she'd been lent stuff (travel cot, bouncy chair, play mat, etc) by her friends whose own DGCs are infrequent visitors or recently grown out of - I think they all do this for each other which I think is really nice. Was really useful considering we had a 250 mile trip by train to get there!!
Clytaemnestra: Axminster Von Zigzag is a charming name for a baby, but I do see why your son in law would be worried about patterns in the nursery, Bunny
shucks, you guessed it!
Please set boundaries. Its very important with women like her. My MIL is like yours. I got on fairly well with her before DS1 but after she went slightly bonkers and as a new mum I was very overprotective (that hasn't changed!).
If there is a crib in her room she obviously expects the baby to stay over when it is quite and you quite obviously do not so please let her know.
I didn't let my MIL know these boundaries and our relationship is beyond repair now.
eBay is full of immaculate prams "only used at grandmas house", some real bargains to be had
My MIL planned to do all sorts of things - including decorate and furnish a bedroom for our dd and my nephew (born at the same time) - when I was pregnant. When the babies arrived she relaxed a bit. I think she was just excited. She did buy a double pushchair which I thought was a bit daft, and ended up selling it on ebay because it just didn't get used - why would it? We both have out own pushchairs! I think grandmothers are just desperate to do something because they are excited. Try not to worry too much, you know your baby will not be staying overnight until you feel you are ready for him or her to be away from you. Just because she buys a crib does not mean you have to arrange a time for her to use it. Also, it will be handy to have somewhere for your baby to nap when you are visiting.
wees slightly simlair for me too! im 27 weeks and was informed that i was to ring MIL when i went iin labour as she was there at her other grandchildrens birth?? I really stressed out about it ( the thought of her clutching one of my legs makes me shudder!!)untill i told DP what was on my mind, he just said '' dont worry we wont phone her when we go in''
She thought she was going to give work up so me and Dp would pay her when i had baby and went back to work! LOL
She pulled a stunt last night and has gotten away with it as no one wants to upset her!
mytime i really wish i was brave enough to do that now as I know there will be trouble ahead for me too!
Ooh I've had this, my mother had a big barny with me because she bought a pram despite knowing we already had bought one.
I thought fine she can use it at hers but oh no she fell out with me because I had audacity to use the pram I had bought at home which resulted in her screaming at me, pushing the Pram at me with dd in, stropping off and not seeing either of us for 9 months!
They are great in a million other ways but we still have boundary issues.
Only just managed to check the forum and seen all the replies! Thanks to all of you for your input and advice!
I decided to bring up a conversation when OH & I were having dinner with my parents a couple of nights ago, where I said I was concerned about others' expectations after baby was born, brought up my worry of others 'hogging' the baby, not being able to get time alone with baby etc, etc. I did it in a way that implicated nobody in particular, so nobody's feelings have been hurt but I've still managed to get it out there & give everyone food for thought for a bit Of course, my mum told me she thought I was being a bit hormonal, but I suppose I am haha
At the end of the day, if MIL would like to buy a moses basket to have in her home that's fine, but I highly doubt I'd be happy letting my baby sleep with anyone other than me & OH when he/she is still very young & I'm now equipped with lots of great advice on how to deal with that issue if it ever comes up. It may however, come in handy. And like PeppermintCreams said, I might be grateful for a break at MILs!
Shutthebloodydoor .... OMG!! I sympathise with your fear of setting boundaries, although I dont think MIL is anywhere near that bad. Just as well your OH didnt insist on her being at the birth lol! You might've said something you'd later regret heehee!
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