to expect more help? baby is few days old

(35 Posts)
wearymama Sat 02-Feb-13 10:29:46

I need honest opinions, which i know i will get here grin

I had a very long and exhausting labour plus 3rd degree tear. Very painful even to walk.

I am trying to establish BF and struggling so would really like it if i could JUST do that and look after/play my eldest.

AIBU to expect DH to do ALL the housework? just for a couple of weeks til i heal and get feeding established?

Or should we be sharing? he does a little bit(cooking and kitchen) but i am still doing all the tidying and washing and nappy changes. He is off work completely.

Another question does he really need any more sleep? I didnt sleep for 3 days AT ALL which needs a catch up then since being home i am obviously feeding/trying to feed through the night. I have about an hour all together broken sleep overnight. Then i have been getting 6am/7am-9.30am ish of unbroken sleep smile

He has been taking naps through the day on the couch or like now he came up at 9.30am to get "10 mins" he is still asleep and wont wake up til i wake him now baring in mind he has been asleep about 12-6

He hasnt done any housework baby has been asleep. eldest in front of tv hmm

wdyt? let it go or tell him he needs to do more?


slightlysoupstainedbabygrows Sat 02-Feb-13 10:33:38


Newyearoldmum Sat 02-Feb-13 10:34:24

Oh he definitely needs to do more. I too had a bad tear with my (not so) little one and my dh wouldn't let me lift a finger till I'd healed and felt up to it (I may have milked it a little grin ). And once I was healed he still pulled his weight. I take it he's off on paternity leave?

DamnBamboo Sat 02-Feb-13 10:34:51

Don't go down the competitive tiredness route. You are more tired than him no doubt, but he's probably tired too. So without commenting on how little you think he's doing, just tell him you're sore and that you need more help. Surely he's watching your oldest anyway? Sometimes it's a case of just pointing it out.

Anyway, forget housework for now, just do what you need to do and once you're healed you can refocus

And congratulations on your little bundle smile

Fairylea Sat 02-Feb-13 10:35:07

Tell him he needs to do more.

Tell him what needs doing and how he can help with the children. Ideally you shouldn't have to tell him but I think you're going to have to spell it out for him.

I have to say (and I realise this is very controversial) one of the reasons I chose breastfeed both my dc was because I wanted dh to be able to share parenting and night feeds exactly half and half. I'm not suggesting at all that you even consider stop breastfeeding but I think you need to tell him what he can do to help as he probably doesn't see what he can do with the baby etc as you have it covered as it were ! smile

After a difficult labour I wouldn't be doing much housework either and I wouldn't be happy about him napping unless you can go and have a nap too!

BagCat Sat 02-Feb-13 10:35:28

I think he definitely needs to do more. You are recovering and he needs to take up the slack. It's not a holiday for him, it's for him to get used to the new life with a baby in the house which (for me) means playing his part and doing the dirty jobs too. Have you told him you are struggling and need more rest/him to do more? If he gets used to you doing everything, he will expect it forever - best to nip it in the bud now.

MummytoMog Sat 02-Feb-13 10:38:43

What a lazy bugger! Obviously if you had to just get on and do it all you could, but given he is not working then yes, he should be doing basically everything that doesn't involve breast feeding.

mrsbunnylove Sat 02-Feb-13 10:39:09

you do nothing except what you need to heal and what you need to take care of the baby. everyone else should be running around looking after you and supplying all your needs and all the 'stuff' babies need.

tell him to do more, buy in a doula, and get a useful elderly round - your mum or his? - to do a lot of the dog-work. they love it.

PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn Sat 02-Feb-13 10:39:57

YANBU, but agree with DamnBamboo about not going down the 'I'm more tired' route.

Sometimes men need to be told what to do, as in, 'please can you do the washing up and then put ALL the plates and bits away afterwards. Thank you SO much' instead of waving at the kitchen and saying 'could you help more?' Not suggesting you give him a list of chores though you could just that a lot of men - people? - respond to specific, quantifiable, things to do. And tell him to take new baby and older baby to park so you can rest. And for GODS sake, rest, don't tidy up.

3littlefrogs Sat 02-Feb-13 10:40:17

He should be doing everything.

You should be feeding your newborn, resting, healing, and spending "quality time" with your DC1 when you can.

He is either very selfish, or oblivious. Either way someone needs to tell him.

When I was working as a community midwife I used to make a point of telling partners and family members how important it was for new mums to rest and not do any housework etc for at least 10 days. Sometimes it sinks in if it is HCP saying it.

Nordicmom Sat 02-Feb-13 10:42:00

Ofcourse he should do the house work while u r getting better / trying to get the BF going since he's home! I can't believe he isn't !!! I constantly nag at my DH but MN makes me realise how much he actually does when I read about men who don't in here . Your job in the first weeks should be the baby and he can help with that too ...

AnyFucker Sat 02-Feb-13 10:42:10

he is on paternity leave ?

Does he realise that paternity leave is designed for male partners to help the female in any way he can to bond with baby, manage siblings and establish a relationship with baby himself ? It's not meant to simply be a bit of a skive off work.

bringmeroses Sat 02-Feb-13 10:42:30

I'd let everything go apart from what you need to do to look after you and newborn. Don't criticise him as that'll get his back up but ask him to do anything you want him to do. He's not exactly going to say 'but why can't you do xyz' is he. As to the sleeping, tell him you need an unbroken x hours and here's what he has to do while you're catching up. As you'll know it gets easier. Any housework apart from the barest feeding/clothing essentials will keep smile

wearymama Sat 02-Feb-13 10:43:17

damn bamboo totally get what you mean about the who has had more sleep thing i dont want to go there.

I am trying to spend as much time as i can my eldest so she isnt pushed out but yeh he is doing all the rough and tumble, school runs ect.

I am not a house proud person grin but i mean just washing and keeping house so i am not falling over stuff

Thanks for replies everyone wink

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamapants Sat 02-Feb-13 10:44:51

I wouldn't be doing anything but looking after the newborn and would espect him to do EVERYTHING else. In my NCT class the teacher said if your partner is BF you need to do everything else and he took it seriously, think this is also true if you are BF to be fair. Napping is ok if you both get a turn. I spent first 3 days in hospital they wouldn't let me home and house was spotless when I got home but no food in the house - sometimes men need to be reminded to do things

elizaregina Sat 02-Feb-13 10:45:16

my dh did an incredible job for a good three weeks, ALL cleaning - cooking - washing adn ironing.

I say this because he is in no way a natural when it comes to this .

wearymama Sat 02-Feb-13 10:46:16

he is on paternity leave, he is oblivious i think i get

wearymama Sat 02-Feb-13 10:47:39

Gonna have a quick word i think will update later

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Feb-13 10:47:44

I would expect him to do all the basic jobs, so cooking, washing up, food shopping, clothes washing, hoovering and basic cleaning for hygiene. I would expect a reduced housework schedule from what many people do but I would not expect him just t be napping.

He sounds lazy tbh and like he thinks house stuff is 'woman's work'. YANBU.

MamaMary Sat 02-Feb-13 10:53:22

I had my DD2 4 weeks ago. During his 2 weeks of paternity leave DH did all the housework, cooking, washing, cleaning and looking after DD1. I was ordered to sit on the sofa and feed the newborn. If I tried to do something else he stopped me. smile Although he couldn't do night feeds as I am b-feeding, he settled DD after feeds so I could go back to sleep, taking her out of the room if necessary. Now he's back at work, still setting dd during the night if she needs it and doing the early morning feed with a bottle of expressed milk so I can get a lie-in.

It wouldn't have occurred to him not to do this, he saw paternity leave as a chance to help me and spend extra time with DD1.

Footface Sat 02-Feb-13 10:54:40

I had a 3rd degree tear, you need to slow down and put your feet up to give you time to heal.

When he gets up, you go to bed and then try to have a chat and explain to your dh that your vagina has been rip from vaginal opening to you bum, tearing the muscle in the process. Explaining that its would be the same as him weeping out a melon and tearing 10 cm.

It worked with my dp

catnipkitty Sat 02-Feb-13 10:56:06

YANBU. I had a 3rd degree tear with DD and awful trouble BFing and mastitis and felt really awful and ill for the 1st 2 weeks after she was born. I think you just need to tell him in words of one syllable how you are feeling. Maybe the midwife could have a word too?
TBH it's also not the end of the world if your eldest watches TV more than usual. Maybe you could watch TV together with you having a snooze on the sofa? It won't be long til you're all healed and up and about.

Hope you feel well soon
C xx

He should do everything I think. It's not just about sleep, you are in pain - he is not.

And when I say everything, I really mean everything necessary. Let the dusting etc. go for a while.

PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn Sat 02-Feb-13 11:14:41

FWIW all the mums who had c sections/major tears and 'got back to things' too quickly afterwards healed less well than those who put their feet up a bit. Case in point: I was lucky enough to have lots of help and sat around like a pudding for a week and healed brilliantly, another friend 'felt fine' 2 days after hers and was doing the weekly shop - she got a major infection in her scar, poor love. Still angry at her DH.

If he needs to see what's in it for him (other than being a decent DH), point out that if you get an infection because you've been doing too much, too soon, he's going to have to do A LOT MORE and for LONGER.

noblegiraffe Sat 02-Feb-13 11:15:12

I've also got a newborn. This morning my DH has changed nappies, cleaned the bathroom, got our DS up, breakfasted, dressed, played with, and is about to bake some cakes with him. He has also brought me breakfast in bed and does all the cooking and tidying.
I have fed the baby. That's it. My other job is to recover from the birth.
If something is niggling, like the floor needing a sweep I tell him to do it.

Re sleep, I'm doing all the night feeds, he gets up a couple of times to change nappies. There is no way he would expect me to take charge during the day so that he could go back to bed; he knows he is getting way more sleep than me at night.

And that is how it should be.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 02-Feb-13 11:28:35

I didn't have a husband when I had ds, but if I had I would have expected what noblegiraffe has.
There is no reason on earth that a man can't look after a toddler, cook, clean, shop and change nappies as well.
FGS women do that all the time, and not just for 2 weeks!

YANBU. I quite frankly would have no patience with a man like that.

wearymama Sun 03-Feb-13 01:08:12

well i am glad i asked :D Thanks for the straight talking from everyone i really did need it.

I spelled out what was needed i told him to do the washing (specifically put away 2 loads, hang out the next load and then get dirties together and wash them) he did that and then carried on all day doing bits and bobs. he saw me crying trying to BF and saw how hard it was I told him i just needed to BF and nothing else or it might not work. seems to have kicked his arse!

It annoys me it doesn't just occur to him but hopefully got through to him now

Thanks everyone smile

catladycourtney1 Sun 03-Feb-13 01:19:54

Obviously I don't know your dh but I would guess that he's not purposely being lazy - he's just one of those blokes who need things spelling out for them. I have one myself. He's willing enough to help, but I have to ask him or he just doesn't think about it. He doesn't think "this needs doing, that needs doing, best to do it now or it'll only get worse" like I do, he could quite happily sit there while the house fell down around him. It's a pain in the arse, but he normally does what I ask him to.

Don't let him get away with it in your situation though - you need to focus on healing up and breastfeeding right now. If he's off work, he should really be doing everything, but at the very least all the heavy stuff like vacuuming, laundry, ironing etc, and anything that involves going outside.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 08:25:28

Erm, pretending you 'need things spelling out' is purposefully lazy. If they did that routine at work they would get sacked. They don't do it at work, because they accept their responsibility to be proactive. They do not accept their responsibility to be proactive at home because they think it is your job to tell them.

CatsRule Sun 03-Feb-13 10:38:10


If you let him sleep will he be more helpful?

My dh is such a grump when he has had no sleep but he does more around the house when he sleeps more which is the only reason he is still in bed while I have been up most of the night gor the past week then got up at 6am this morning...he had better be extra nice today

Curtsey Sun 03-Feb-13 10:44:26

Tell him what needs to be done but agree don't get into competitive tiredness even though you are far more tired than he can begin to comprehend. Stay as mild as possible with him but no need to thank him effusively when he does stuff -he isn't doing you a favour, It's normal grown up stuff!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 03-Feb-13 10:48:36

YANBU about him doing all the important chores. Also you should be first priority for sleep. BUT no harm in him having a nap too if you've already tried as long as you can rouse him if you need help. Better that he is well rested and as able to help as possible. Eldest will not come to harm in front of TV but maybe DH could take him out to play for a bit when he gets up. Having a new baby is exhausting and you need to be kind to each other and to yourselves smile

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Sun 03-Feb-13 10:54:18

My Ds2 is 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks I have barely done any bottles, very little housework. The only thing I have reliably done is meal planning, shopping, some cooking, the day feeds and ten pm feed. DP does the two night feeds, housework, cooking whatever he can really. Because we are a TEAM and they are his kids too. Your DH is taking the piss

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Sun 03-Feb-13 11:05:34

Lazy git! He should be doing all house stuff and looking after your eldest while you recover from birth and get feeding established. What does he think paternity leave is for?

I think the best thing to do would be to just stay in bed for a few days - you will get rest and newborn cuddles and he will be forced to get on with life downstairs. And you won't see the mess and be tempted to help.

Congratulations btw. I bet your newborn is gorgeous .

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