aibu to be upset about dp sleeping with ds (6weeks) on the sofa?

(87 Posts)
honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 08:30:35

Ds (6 weeks) has been walking often in the night this week, Thursday night he was up for tge day at 2am so I am pretty tired. I get up with ds in the week and dp gets up with him at the weekends (after I have breastfed ds)

This morning ds woke up at 6am, he had been up a couple of times in the night so I fed him but he was smiling and chatting away with no chance of going back in his bed. I woke dp and asked him to take tge baby so I could get a couple more hours sleep.

I woke at 8 and went into tge livingroom dp was asleep on the sofa so I went to check in tge little cot we have in tge livingroom but ds wasn't there. I looked again at dp and ds was asleep in dp's arm, ds was in a sleepingbag and under dp's thick duvet.

I took ds and dp woke up, I said to him that ds shouldn't be sleeping with dp on the sofa.

Dp got very defensive saying it was perfectly safe, ds couldn't have slipped out from where he was, he had only been asleep for a short time.

I have said yo dp that if he ever feels on tge verge of falling asleep with ds to come and wake me up or put ds in his cot even if he wakes up.

I'm not angry tgat dp made a mistake, I put ds on the sofa yesterday and he rolled over onto his front, I came back from having a wee and he was crying on his front, I know we all make mistakes I told dp what I had done and said I will never leave ds on the sofa again that taught me a lesson! But dp doesn't see that he was wrong. He is annoyed that I am interfering with his parenting.

I feel like I can't ask dp to help in tge nights as I don't think he will keep ds safe sad

I showed him some sids research and he just said yes but those people were probably drunk.

What should I do? Should I just never ask dp to wake up with ds?

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 08:35:29

congratulations new baby.keep some perspective here before it escalates to he's unsafe
this is new for you both,dp knackered fell asleep.calmly without talk of fatalities explain your preference
dont exclude your ,don't think he's unsafe,lose the [face]. both need to support and enjoy this

Footface Sat 02-Feb-13 08:35:36

No yanbu, babies shouldn't over heat either so a sleeping bag plus duvet could be dangerous.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 02-Feb-13 08:40:49

Congratulations, you both have a lovely new baby who is leaving you both sleep deprived. I suspect your DH was trying to the best thing at the time, I bet he won't do it again.

Just explain to him that it is unsafe for him to sleep on the sofa with ds and if he wants to fall asleep to put him in the cot first. If he says it is safe then a quick google will show him that its not. Don't shout or get angry just explain calmly that he's wrong :-)

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 08:44:39

he helps,wants to be involved as dad don't shuve him calm,discuss it
re:baby rolled onto front happens.don't berate yourself about it
it's new,scary,a world of what ifs. support each other and muddle through

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 02-Feb-13 08:45:39


Have you thought about co-sleeping in a planned safe way? It's not for everyone, but you may both get a lot more sleep, and if you are BF it has the advantage that you don't have to get up to feed.

I remember the early days of BF with DD, whenever she woke for a feed during the night I would get up and take her to her designated feeding station because I knew I shouldn't feed her in bed because I might fall asleep with her. I was so knackered I was literally falling asleep with my eyes open. And then one night I dropped DD, luckily onto the sofa. That was enough for me, taught myself (with the help of mn to feed lying down, slept topless, duvet around waist.

DD slept better because she was right next to me, rather than in moses basket, and we could both safely fall asleep during feeds.

Don't be too hard on your partner, I can remember how relentless those nights could be. But you do have to try and stop it happening again. Be kind to yourself you are doing great!

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 08:46:33

no don't google baby risks or fatalities that's bad will make you feel worse
keep calm,thank him for helping you, work out better plan for next time.that's all

Newyearoldmum Sat 02-Feb-13 08:53:59

Both my dh and I have fallen asleep on the couch with our dd. it is definitely our preference not to but on both occasions we were both so tired. Our dd was fine on both occasions and the positions we were in meant she was relatively safe, it was only for a short time but we both made concentrated efforts for it not to happen again.

That being said if your dh had thought about position etc to keep both him from rolling onto your son and so that your son could not roll away from him I would have been more concerned about the over heating issue from the sleeping bag and duvet. Not saying he made the right decision by the way, I agree he should have put him in his cot or come and got you but sometimes in a sleep deprived state the daftest things seem a good idea.

Don't drive yourself crazy with what ifs, make your preference clear, come to an agreement with your dh and try not to let it put a shadow on this joyful time for you both. Congratulations by the way!!

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 08:54:55

Bollocks to scottish's pandering bollocks.

Sleeping on the sofa with a baby is really dangerous, and that is a matter of fact, not opinion.

The fact that the baby was in a sleeping bag and under a duvet shows that he either doesn't know about, or doesn't care about the risks to the baby.

It also shows that he deliberately went back to bed on the sofa and didn't just drop off to sleep.

Putting a baby at risk so you can go back to sleep is not a valid parenting choice, and it's incredibly peevish of him to pretend that it is.

Newyearoldmum Sat 02-Feb-13 08:55:23

Yanbu by the way.

KenLeeeeeee Sat 02-Feb-13 08:58:05


Sleeping on a sofa with a baby is incredibly dangerous. I can't emphasise enough how bad an idea it is. You are not at all unreasonable to point this out to your dp and ask him to never, ever do it again.

Even the NHS guidelines on cosleeping say to never, ever sleep on a sofa with your baby. Bed - fine if you follow the safety guidelines about duvets, pillows, etc. Sofa - NEVER.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 09:01:22

yes it was risky.discuss without hysterics about fatalities or google worst case
6wk in dad made mistake. socay mly without omg histrionics work out another way
as an adult the dad can process.of he habitually ignores yes get worked time no

EugenesAxe Sat 02-Feb-13 09:02:46

For me YANBU - I used to freak about this too. I think those schmaltzy B&W photos of babies asleep on their daddies have a lot to answer for... even though in this case your DP was just tired.

It is terrifying when you are so tired - I remember nodding and jerking awake so many times when DS was on my tummy. He had quite bad colic - have you tried usual remedies in case your DS does too? I liked Dentinox myself, and baby massage is very helpful. Ask your HV for some moves. Gripe water is good once he's - I think? - two months.

honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 09:10:46

Ds sleeps in a sidecar cot we did try the sideways breastfeeding whilst asleep position but ds just sucked all night and let tge milk poor out the side of his mouth when he was full so we woke up in a milk lake.

I have tried to talk to dp about ways we can help ourselves stay awake when up with ds, things like sit on tge wooden rocking chair, don't cover up with a duvet, don't lie down but he is really angry with me and saying I'm over reacting.

I made a mistake with tge coffee machine this morning, I forgot to put the jug under the machine so there was coffee everywhere and dp just keeps saying how I could have killed us all by starting a fire with the coffee machine and how that is much more dangerous than him sleeping on the sofa.

He told me the duvet was not covering ds when he went to sleep, that makes me even more worried because it was right up by ds's shoulders, it would have only been another 5 cm and it would have covered his little face sad

I cried and dp shouted at me and said I need to pull myself together now I'm a parent, it's just all too much today sad

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 09:13:03

Um, the reason it's risky is because of the increased likelihood of a fatality.

You can't really have the discussion without mentioning that.

Super Stepford to insinuate that a woman speaking factually to a man who is wrong is being hysterical.

What's she supposed to say "don't worry, big man. You are of course right in all things, but I would feel better if you would just do this one tiny, crazy thing and not put a baby under a duvet on a sofa while you sleep."

He's a big boy now. I'm sure he can hear "sleeping with a baby on a sofa might kill the baby. Don't do it again. Ever."

Softlysoftly Sat 02-Feb-13 09:14:13

Sorry but like athinginyourlife this sounds deliberate to me. We have ALL dozed off with baby as hard as we try not to but he went specifically against safe sleeping advice positioning DS and getting under a duvet. He planned to sleep, it's stupid and selfish.

Flame me but I wouldn't trust him again unless he fully acknowledges the risks. To get a break id wait until he was up and about for the day then hand over DS and go to bed.

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 09:14:32

Your partner is an ignorant twat.

He is bullying you.

You don't have to put up with it.

RooneyMara Sat 02-Feb-13 09:20:44

Oh love.

Is your DP always this angry and defensive or do you think it's just being sleep deprived?

skullcandy Sat 02-Feb-13 09:21:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyWearer Sat 02-Feb-13 09:21:35

I heard a mum who had accidentally smothered her 8mo asleep on the sofa talking on the radio last year I think, begging others to not make the same mistake. Heartbreaking.

And wasn't there a case of a man accidentally smothering his adult female partner when they fell asleep on the sofa together?

Yes, it's easily done, I have fallen asleep holding mine before but thankfully only for a few seconds.

Please urge your DP to be more careful!

RooneyMara Sat 02-Feb-13 09:22:21

and also, do you think he's just being a git because you called him on it? Or because he thinks it's right and will do it again? neither is great tbh but if it's the former that's slightly better - at least ds will be safe if he understands that it's risky.

HV told me they don't know why but sofas are a real problem with SIDS. It's really important not to sleep with ds on it.

elizaregina Sat 02-Feb-13 09:25:18


I have had this problem with my DH. To be fair to my DH though he is one of these people who seems to fall asleep almost immedialty.

with our first DD he used to do it - be on sofa and I would find them both asleep.

I didnt fully appreicate the dangers then although I knew it didnt feel right.

This time round I am shit hot on it.

I say to him " you know you fall asleep easily, put the rocker right by you, and put her in that when you feel the first signs of drowsy ness, IF you are going to feel drowsy".

I had a quick shower once and he was asleep!!

I just cant do it now, he does it with me sat here which isnt dangerous but shows how he cant control it.

your DH sounds v defensive - maybe wait till he has calmed down and print off or show him some stuff about it.

by the way - your baby wont want to suck all night all the time, if he is next to you, cant you see when he seems to be asleep and put him back in side car?

they feed at different times and styles in the early days.

Just because he fed all night a few times doesnt mean he will continue to do it.

do you have a v pillow also?

baby is 4 months now - but to begin with in the more demanding weeks what your going thru, feed then when asleep put back -ie when milk starts to come out.

baby mostly sleeps thru now - from 8/9 ish to 7/8am. somtimes she stirs and wants a night feed. I have her in her rocker with us - in the living room, then take her upstairs with us when we go to bed at 10 - 11ishpm. She rarley stirs when we carry her up and if she does wake a bit - a little feed and she is back to sleep.

Hang in there - it does get better your probably in the worst time right now, and each day is a day towards more sleep!

You were right to pull him up on it, the dangers of overheating and suffocation are real and can happen even if you have not been drinking.

He might be a bit sensitive to criticism atm. It is hard for new dads as tiny babies generally want there mummies and he was trying to help and bond with his child.

He is wrong to shout at you for crying, you were rightly upset thinking about what could have happened.

Do a Google search and show him the articles where people have lost their babies. He needs to understand otherwise he will do it again.

nextphase Sat 02-Feb-13 09:27:19

here are some guidelines for safe co-sleeping.
Two of the "nevers" are on the sofa, and covered with a duvet.

Can you sit down with DH and talk through how you are going to maximise sleep for both of you, while keeping baby safe - and that includes having had enough sleep to put the jug in the coffee maker?

Seenenoughtoknow Sat 02-Feb-13 09:29:54

YANBU - this is SO's how many deaths occur in babies. My HV said it's an ABSOLUTE no no!! Men tend to sleep heavier than the mother (who is programmed by nature to wake on the slightest baby sound) so the dangers here are even more huge...I would have gone mad if my DH had done that with our DC. Get you DP to read this:

It said risk of death is increased 50 fold.

Seenenoughtoknow Sat 02-Feb-13 09:31:09

You might have to cut and paste that link as I'm not sure it will work...

ENormaSnob Sat 02-Feb-13 09:35:05

Honey, going off your last threads re similar issues id say your partner is either terminally stupid re the safety of your child or doesn't give a shit.

FirstTimeForEverything Sat 02-Feb-13 09:36:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seenenoughtoknow Sat 02-Feb-13 09:36:54

Actually - it's only a short article but worth a read - here it is...

Sofa sleeping claims 25 babies' lives

New figures obtained by the cot death charity, the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths (FSID), reveal that in the last two years at least 25 babies in the UK have died while sleeping together with an adult on a sofa.

The figures, collected for the first time from some of the newly-established Child Death Overview Panels as well as the Metropolitan Police, confirm that parents are still choosing one of the most dangerous places in the home to sleep with their babies.

Previous studies have demonstrated that falling asleep with your infant on a sofa increases their risk of dying suddenly and unexpectedly by 50 fold.

FSID and the Department of Health’s advice for all parents remains that the safest place for a baby to sleep, for the first six months, is in a separate cot in a room with you.

FSID’s director, Joyce Epstein, said: “This information confirms that warnings about the dangers of sofa sharing with small babies have not changed parents’ practices, infants still sleep in risky environments.

More lives could be saved, if every parent, carer and grandparent recognised that while a sofa may be a comfortable place for them to sleep it’s the most dangerous place for a baby.”


13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 09:46:41

If you're up with the baby, you need to be up with the baby - ie no duvet, no reclining on the sofa.
My dh knows what is dangerous and would never underplay genuine risks, but still I have seen him fall asleep when holding our (then) newborn in the bed. The upshot of this is sadly that I don't trust him to do nights at all, so it all falls to me. He is fine with him during the day, but his instincts just aren't up to much.
Your dh is being an ass, or possibly just overly-defensive - interesting to see if he changes his behaviour as a result of what you've said.

maddening Sat 02-Feb-13 09:46:47

I reckon he reacted like that as he knows he was wrong and has scared himself.

Talk when you're both less tired and without accusation.

honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 09:58:51

Dp isn't sleep deprived, he has ear plugs in during the week so he gets a full nights sleep, he just hates being criticised

I think I will just have to do as one of you said and only trust him in the daytime.

Ds did sleep well but he has been really ill with rs virus and he is still contagious so I can't take him out his days and nights seem to be getting muddled up because we are always at home. I hope he goes back to how he was soon.

Dp is still in a strop, I gave ds to him and went to tge bedroom because I didn't want ds to see me upset. The baby started crying (he was only just fed so not hungry just fussy) dp came in and said do you think you can stop being self centered your son needs you. I really hate dp sometimes.

Footface Sat 02-Feb-13 09:59:41

Try to talk when your less tired.

If he got his duvet out he had deliberate intentions of going to sleep, he didn't just nod off. Does he do night feeds?

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 10:01:53

You don't have to put up with being treated this way.

Decent men are kind.

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 10:02:02

Have just read your update OP and his attitude to you really is inexcusable. Is he normally such a twat?

Footface Sat 02-Feb-13 10:03:16

He's starting to sound like an arse tbh, no night feeds, yet can't stay awake, and following you upstairs with baby.

Sounds like a case of he doesn't want to look after ds so is making a pisspoor job so doesn't have to!

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 10:10:07

I get the idea of men doing it badly so you won't ask them if it's with something like a nappy change - doing something that could actually kill the baby would be an extreme way of avoiding getting up sad

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 02-Feb-13 10:11:48

Start feeding baby in bed again. Put a mattress protector on and sleep on a doubled up bath towel - it absorbs the milk lake :-)

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 10:12:45

so you've just had a baby with a man you hate sometimes,you argue.wind each other up
why the hell did you have his baby.did you hope hed change
frankly this isnt about sleeping on sofa. you two have big problems by sound of it

TheMightyLois Sat 02-Feb-13 10:17:43


YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Feb-13 10:18:07

YANBU, it is absolutely the worst place to sleep with a baby. No idea how you tackle it with your husband but don't feel bad for how you feel, because you are right that t is very dangerous.

Try not to get too wound up now, it can be hard to tell in the early weeks whether you really hate them or it is hormonal. But do stand your ground, your DP should be supporting you right now, not getting arsey because he did something dangerous.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 10:20:47

ok i was thinking he 6wk in novice but willing to listen and discuss.clearly not

Footface Sat 02-Feb-13 10:20:48

Is your dp the type of person who is able to admit when they are wrong or the type that couldn't possibly ever make a mistake?

Newyearoldmum Sat 02-Feb-13 10:23:58

I don't think asking the OP why she had a baby with this man is particularly helpful - thus is a vulnerable enough time for her.

OP I was giving your partner the benefit of the doubt as I remember how shitty sleep deprivation made my dh at communicating/listening/using his brain. It is not on that he shouted at you for crying and it is not on that he said you were being self centred for taking time to yourself. He should be listening to your concerns and taking them He should be supporting you. He's being an arse. Do you have any other rl support who could come over and help out, let you get some sleep?

Newyearoldmum Sat 02-Feb-13 10:24:51

*taking them on board

Startail Sat 02-Feb-13 10:27:04

New parents need sleep!!

Falling a sleep on the sofa isn't ideal, but those of us with older DCs have certainly done it.

Would I again with the new research. Yes probably, I'm human, I need sleep!

Finding a safe way to co sleep is probably the way forward, but lets keep things in perspective. Cot death is very rare.

No one collects figures for burns, scaleless and car accidents happening to sleep deprived parents.

DH commuted 3 hrs each way several times a week when DD1 was tiny.
He wouldn't stay in the hotel with his team, he wanted to be with us.
Sometimes, adults not getting some sleep is truly an accident waiting to happen.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 10:28:30

im commenting on her post,clearly they have some communication/couple issues
and a baby amplifies everything in a relationship,good and bad bits
i of course hope they can overcome any difficulties they are having to be a family

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Feb-13 10:32:03

Cot death is rare because people now follow safe guidelines. It was a hell of a lot more common before people stopped sleeping on sofas. And sleeping on sofas is still one of the leading causes.

RooneyMara Sat 02-Feb-13 11:11:23

Oh no, poor you Honey he sounds dreadfully unkind sad

Please try and ignore him as much as you are able, and don't let him sleep with ds again. I am really sorry for you - keep posting, lots of us are alone with small babies and no help so can sympathise x

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 11:14:11

Startail in what way is the dh in question sleep deprived? OP has said he had full nights of sleep all week. A lot of excuses being made for him for some reason. If he wasn't going to do the job properly he should have told the OP this and she would (oh the joy) presumably have got up herself.

honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 12:03:54

Thank you for the support, it really helps to know I'm not being unreasonable about sofa sleeping.

I don't hate him all the time, most of tge time he is a lovely dp and daddy, he really hurt me with his behavior today I have told him how much he hurt me he is sorry and I hope he doesn't do it again.

We have agreed that he will sit on the hard rocking chair if he gets up with ds.

We spoke and dp said he finds it hard when I tell him what to do, it doesn't excuse what he did but it explains what he did, I think he didn't want to admit how dangerous he had been because he felt really bad about it, he was shaken up by it and unfortunately his way of dealing with it was behaving like an idiot.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 12:07:05

good result, you're both still novice at it - does get easier

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 12:22:13

"We spoke and dp said he finds it hard when I tell him what to do, it doesn't excuse what he did but it explains what he did"

It's not a great explanation though, is it?

He acted like a dick towards you because even your incredibly conciliatory way of pointing out that he was wrong was too much for his ego to take.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

That bullshit about "questioning my parenting" has to stop.

None of us are infallible. We all make mistakes at this business.

But we have to be able to admit those mistakes and do better next time.

You won't be able to parent together if he is going to turn into a bully any time you call him out on something he is doing wrong.

Having someone you love and trust steer you right when you (inevitably) fuck up is one of the great things about parenting as a couple.

There is no room (or need) for the kind of aggressive defensiveness he displayed earlier.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 02-Feb-13 12:43:33

You are right, he is wrong.

He needs to get over his ego and recognise that he has a lot to learn about parenting. (Of course he does, why wouldn't he?). It's that willingness to learn that's crucial.

I agree with your instinct that if he cannot recognise his new parent's lack of knowledge and the need to learn and check things, you cannot trust him with DS.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 02-Feb-13 13:05:16

But pleased to read you've resolved things. Hope that sets a pattern of him listening to you when you've learnt things he hadn't yet.

OxfordBags Sat 02-Feb-13 13:31:16

You're not self-centred, HE is! He'd rather endanger his child than accept he's in the wrong? WTF is that all about? I'm crap at admitting when I'm wrong, but when it comes to my DS, I'll take on any criticism that will keep him safe, healthy and alive, ffs. Not a great example for his son, is he, huffing like a spoilt brat because someone had the temerity to point out a very dangerous mistake he'd made.

I grew up hearing about a family member who had accidentally smothered their baby by falling asleep with a blanket around them, as she leant back in a comfy chair. The baby had slipped down her body until it was totally under the blanket.

It happens, it's not being paranoid, silly, nitpicking, critical, whatever, to know in your gut that this is dangerous. As others have said, the overheating issue is also v important too.

Your OH needs to grow up and realise that being a parent is doing the best for the child. Life isn't about him and his fragile macho ego anymore.

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 13:48:33

I take it if he was falling asleep at the wheel of his car he'd rather you didn't tell him about it? No? So it's only if it's about the baby that he doesn't want you to speak up?

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 13:49:35

i see all the frasier cranes are quick off mark to analyse the errant dp
all that from what op said
whod have thunk it

holidaysarenice Sat 02-Feb-13 14:26:52

Yabu to get so annoyed at dh. Imagine if hed said those things to you when you accidentally let ur child roll on the sofa. We all make mistakes, and u and ur dp need to communicate rationally as to what you both want.

There is nothing wrong with leaving an awake baby in their basket if they are happy so you can sleep.

Plus ur dp asleep safely on the sofa with a child is little different to co-sleeping

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 14:33:57

Plus ur dp asleep safely on the sofa with a child is little different to co-sleeping

That's bollocks. Dangerous bollocks to boot.

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 14:40:36

Scottishmummy - this isn't the first time I've heard of Honeytea's DH you see.
<Spending far too much time on mumsnet>

Antipag Sat 02-Feb-13 14:41:37

Next time the HV/midwife comes aroun arrange a time when DH will be there and ask her to discuss the dangers of sleeping on the sofa with a baby. It is not just the duvet that is a risk, babies suffocate by slipping down on between parent and sofa. Perhaps coming from a professional he may take the risk more seriously?

YANBU. This happened to a man I used to work with: His wife was tired and fell asleep on the sofa with their newborn, when she awoke the baby had died. He had slipped between the mum and the back of the sofa and suffocated while she slept. She hadn't been drinking, wasn't on any medication etc. The poor guy looked so haunted when he came back to work, he never blamed his wife though, it was an accident and neither of them were aware of the dangers. Sad times sad

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 15:03:09

how tragic.parents must be haunted by what ifs

honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 15:54:57

It's so sad that babies have died that way sad it must be the worst thing yo have a child tgat dies, but for them to die because of something the parent did is unimaginable sad

I'm going to try co-sleeping with ds bf in the side position and see if he stops feeding when he is full, one can hope!

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 15:57:34

in fairness its rare,but avoidable
talk to your dp see what you can sort

BelaLugosisShed Sat 02-Feb-13 17:54:18

One thing I don't understand, if sleeping on a sofa with a baby is dangerous, how is co-sleeping in a bed with them not dangerous?
The one and only time I remember having DD in bed with us was when she was a couple of weeks old and I remember waking up in a panic ( had been feeding her) because I couldn't find her - DH had put her back in her carry cot by the bed because I was flat out.
There is always something to terrify us - 23 years ago , the advice was to sleep babies on their fronts, DD would never stay on her front or even on her side and I was worried sick until the HV told me she was fine on her back.

NaturalBaby Sat 02-Feb-13 18:01:56

Did your HV not give you a cot death pack/talk? there's a reason why it isn't recommended, your DH needs make an informed decision about sleeping on the sofa - it doesn't sound like he has.

HansieMom Sat 02-Feb-13 18:03:42

Two posters have mentioned baby can die by getting between parent and back of sofa, they can also die by getting in that tight area between the back cushion and the seat cushion.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 08:42:39

I've a friend who works in A&E, she also says sofa sleeping is one of the things that make her most scared, she has sadly dealt with a number of babies who died this way, both in sofas and armchairs.

It is absolutely NOTHING like co-sleeping following safe guidelines in a suitable bed. That is a massively dangerous remark.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 08:45:55

Bela - beds are flat and firm, sofas are not. It is not overlying which primarily causes the death but baby getting faced wedged between cushions, in squashy cushions, into corners and therefore having mouth covered and not being able to breathe.

honeytea Sun 03-Feb-13 09:26:28

This morning went much better, ds woke at 6.30, dp got up, made himself breakfast and a cup of tea, then took ds, he changed ds's nappy and gave him a little massage, then played with ds for a little while, then he sat on tge hard rocking chair and watched a film.

Ds sleeps great till 6.30 I think we just havr to accept 6.30 is ds's wake up time and we have to start going to bed at 9.

JenaiMorris Sun 03-Feb-13 09:27:37

sm is talking a lot of sense here, although I really don't like the sound of your partner's attitude, honey.

A quick point re sofa sleeping; clearly it is to be avoided but firstly a lot (most?) of us will have dozed off briefly with our baby like this and secondly I have heard it suggested that one of the reasons for an increase in SIDS cases where the parent has been asleep on the sofa is that parents are trying to avoid co-sleeping in a bed and simply cannot stay awake. Drug taking, alcohol and smoking remain the biggest risk parental factors I believe.

TheSecondComing Sun 03-Feb-13 09:34:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelaLugosisShed Sun 03-Feb-13 12:25:42

I was agreeing that sleeping on a sofa with a baby is dangerous, but I still can't quite get my head around co-sleeping being safe, you would surely have to sleep without pillows and definitely without a duvet? I really hate the idea of co-sleeping so that might be colouring my views somewhat though , I would strongly encourage my DD not to co-sleep when she has a baby, a cot by the bed has to be the safest option.

BertieBotts Sun 03-Feb-13 12:43:15

Yes you don't have the duvet near the baby when you co-sleep. Pillows aren't as much of an issue as mothers tend to instinctively put one arm out between the baby and the pillows to prevent them from wriggling up.

Sofas are different from beds in many ways; on one side you have the cushions and gap between cushion/parent which babies can very easily get smothered by, sofas usually have more "give" than a mattress meaning that the adult's body creates a dip which the baby can roll into (it's also unsafe to co-sleep on a waterbed for this reason) and sofa cushions are often angled rather than straight making it easier for a baby to roll either onto the floor or into the gap at the back and become trapped.

Sofas are usually narrower than even a single bed, and you can't fit a bed guard to a sofa Sofa cushions are much lighter than a mattress and move easily which means that gaps can become bigger and easier to roll into.

Finally, all sofas which are legally sold in this country are treated with flame-retardant chemicals which could be harmful for babies to breathe in which is why they shouldn't even really nap on a sofa. Mattresses are designed to be slept on and although they may also contain flame retardants these have to be tested as being safe for people to sleep on.

To co-sleep safely the mattress must be firm and well fitted, there cannot be any gaps, you must ensure the baby cannot roll out either by using a bed guard, bedside cot or pushing the bed up against a wall (again you must check for gaps) - plus because a double bed is much larger you are able to give the baby his/her own space. You must keep adult bedding away from the baby.

elizaregina Sun 03-Feb-13 12:52:31

The materials within sofa cusions can be denser as well - where as if you were sqaushed up agasnt a mattree you may be able to breath

elizaregina Sun 03-Feb-13 12:54:42

at such a young age you dont have to accept anything!

dd wakes up at 6.30 sometimes for a feed - i dont disturb her - keep lights off - feed and back to side car cot.

nothing is in stone babies are quiuckly changing creatures at this age.

BertieBotts Sun 03-Feb-13 13:33:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

13Iggis Sun 03-Feb-13 16:34:19

I use a 3-sided cot attached to our bed. I realised the duvet could trail into his cot, so at the moment I am sleeping in a sleeping bag we have for camping. If I bring him into the bed (to feed or if he really won't settle) he is inside his grobag, and outside my sleeping bag. It's hard to ever feel completely safe I think. If he didn't wake to feed 5 times a night, I'd put the cotside back on.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 16:40:34

Bela - have you read the interfering mother/MIL thads on here??! I'd let your DD make her own choices if I were you grin

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 16:40:56

Sorry, thads =threads

BertieBotts Sun 03-Feb-13 16:51:08

Oh FGS DS!! Sorry grin

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 17:00:02

I thought it was an excellent contribution grin

BertieBotts Sun 03-Feb-13 17:07:54

I'm sure I can translate. He was saying that co-sleeping is excellent, and he regularly sleeps on the sofa still, but never with babies. Only sonic screwdrivers.

AThingInYourLife Sun 03-Feb-13 17:21:25


I'm glad somebody was finally brave enough to say it.

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