To feel entirely broken

(50 Posts)
Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:35:48

My closest female friends - 4 out of 6 - are in terrible relationships but without fail for years I'm always, always there.

Last year I made the error of dating a mutual friend. He was emotionally and (rarely) physically abusive; he cheated on me with his ex repeatedly and she on ce tried to physically hurt me. At the time I offered to walk away if there was unfinished business but he insisted no. Total lies, all the while screaming at me now and then that I'm a dirty tart, easy shag, slut.. I've never had a One night night stand. He broke me down to the point that I said no and he threatened to leave me so I let him carry on, all the while crying, hating myself, hating everything. My mum died when I was young and he told me my dad should have instead, then I wouldn't be such a manipulative bitch or so damaged. I had an abortion (red flags about him, still cry about it, still hate myself) and he text my father to tell him, just to hurt me.

I recently moved back to my home town briefly and he's done all he can to ruin me. He's turned two groups of friends against me, tonight he's at a party with all my oldest friends, the ones i supported regardless because i believe in loyalty, because he's lied so well (in public he's an absolute darling) that they either chose him or don't believe me, although I only told 2 people because I didn't want to cause him trouble or think of it.

Worst of all, I own a house and it is my tenant who (I thought was a friend) who is holding this party. I. My bloody house that I worked so hard for, but of course legally i cannot tell him who to invite or not.

On top of this I found out an hour ago ive lost my job.

I feel that my friends don't care, I've lost the job I dote on and put 14 hour days at least into. I feel like I'm falling to pieces.

Sorry so long

jackstini Fri 01-Feb-13 21:41:44

So sorry to hear you are going through this - must just feel like everything is falling on you from a great height at once sad

You know he is a nasty piece of work and you do not deserve the things he said and did.
Don't forget what a lovely person you were to those friends - you are loyal and supportive, very important qualities.
You also worked hard enough to buy a house, which is a major achievement - please feel proud of the good things you have done.

Where are you living now? Is moving back into your own house an option?Have you any friends or family nearby that could come and be with you tonight?

DumSpiroSpero Fri 01-Feb-13 21:42:56

You poor thing - what an awful time you're having.

Is your dad supportive of you?

It must be really tough losing your job a it sounds like that has been holding you together.

I wonder if now would be good to take a break or go for a compete change of scenery & start afresh. Rent your house out in it's entirety & go travelling maybe. I'm not sure you wel be able to get yourself back together with all these people/reminders around you so perhaps the job loss is a silver lining.

Definitely look into some counselling too and in the meantime have an unmumsnetty ((hug)).

iloveeverton Fri 01-Feb-13 21:45:33

Right I assume you aren't at this house party? Forget it for tonight your friends will not be there to hurt you deliberately they are probably just thoughtless. Is there one you can ring tomorrow and meet for coffee and confide in face to face?

I'm sorry about your job it's so hard and hopefully something else will come up.

Finally well done for getting rid of that horror, consigne him to the past and whatever happens from now on you are better than him.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:45:53

Staying with my daddy. I'm 24. I feel so pathetic. I'm unemployed, already on anxiety meds, have no siblings, no relationship (not a problem) and now my best friends care for my abusuve ex, not me. I just don't never stand. I couldn't love them more, I'm the o e who listens hen everyone else s bored of repetition, and I could not have worked harder. 3 weeks ago my boss wrote the most glowing report.. It's internal politics but I feel that I've lost all and I'm falling apart

yaimee Fri 01-Feb-13 21:48:10

God I'm so sorry, this is awful. You're a brave strong woman to have walked away and now you're rid things will just get better and better. You've done the hard bit!
I don't really have any advice other than to keep your chin up, stay strong and don't get into any kind of messiness with him, his ex or any of th mutual friends, just put yourself above it all, you're a better person, good luck zx

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:48:27

*understand . I have a masters degree with a distinction and bought my first house independent,y at 22. I just don't know how I've gone so wrong. I've always been there for my friends no matter what; I know he has little but contempt for all of them and he's doing this to hurt me. It has worked, I want to curl up and scream and sob and disappear

PleasePudding Fri 01-Feb-13 21:52:34

OP I'm so sorry, this must be awful for you!

But meet the nicest friend tomorrow like iloveeverton said and talk to her and ask for her support.

This man is horrid and you are so much better - don't see him again. Could finding a new job open new oppurtunities for you? Maybe go to a new city it country even to have all the fun you deserve? You are young and should be having a fabulous time not loaded down with cares and the emotional (and physical wounds) of a total bastard

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:53:36

I'm applying to do a psychology conversion then a doctorate in clinical psychology. After my own painfully sad upbringing (father amazing but mum died, no siblings, first sexual experience 13 entirely unwilling, turned into PTSD/bipolar/BPD) I had therapy, went to uni, did masters, volunteered for charities incl nightlife, Samaritans, rape crisis..

Hoping to find away but tonight I'm falling to pieces.

I'm not strong enough. My bf of 3 years and I broke up a year and a half ago, then the nasty one, and looking after my ageing father, losing job... I can't do this

iloveeverton Fri 01-Feb-13 21:54:16

You need to get away from him and if your friends are his friends maybe them too.

Speak to your boss on Monday if you have recently had a glowing report it will purely be financial.

Put your energy into you not other people. Get on LinkedIn, ask colleagues, do voluntary work.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:56:12

Nope, all female friends are off with him. I don't blame them, he is do very convincing,no one sees the bad just the v pretty, great fun, everyone's best friend. I pave list all my female friends bar one. It hurts, it hurts so much. My life disintegrated today.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 21:57:43

I can't anymore. I just can't. I've been fighting forever to stay afloat. These 2 things today, I never ever cry but ice cried for hours. At least I can't eat now, that's something,

iloveeverton Fri 01-Feb-13 21:57:44

X post you sound amazing with what you have achieved after all you have been through.

Can you switch off tonight, have a bath, read a book. You have looked after others enough. You do not have to sort this out tonight take slower steps be kind to yourself.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 01-Feb-13 21:59:14

i dont know what to suggest but i didnt want to read and run. youve been through a hell of a lot and youre such an inspiration becoming a psychologist to help others. have you thought about explaining to some of your more trusted friends what your ex did to you? if they dont know then they probably wouldnt think twice about socialising with him. sad

jackstini Fri 01-Feb-13 21:59:34

You can do it.
Look at what you have done before; you have managed some amazing things despite all the crap you have been through.

Tonight is awful.
Tomorrow will be better.
Who knows what the future holds - you have had enough bad things happen, time for the good

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:03:18

I told two of them in horrible detail (pushing me down stairs, pushing me into abolition I didn't want then screaming that I'd killed his child, cheating on my mercilessly then claiming I gave him an std - impossible) so either they don't believe or don't care. I d t know which hurts more.

I feel so alone. And worst part is that I like trusting people, I love caring for my friends, I don't want that part of me to change. But I feel numb, alone, nothing. I am nothing.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 01-Feb-13 22:06:01

you are not nothing. sad is there anyone you can talk to tonight?

DumSpiroSpero Fri 01-Feb-13 22:07:48

You are not nothing - you are absolutely amazing.

Even to have achieved a Masters & owning your own home at 24 is incredible these days, let alone with all the other stuff you've had to deal with.

It's not fair that you are having to deal with this on top, but you can do it and you will come out of the other side.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:08:13

I am.

I'm failure.

Plus my fault my mum is dead. My fault for all. Breast cancer recurrence if you have baby is far higher. I killed her. I ruined my father's life through that. I can't keep a job. My friends don't care. I am truly nothing.

iloveeverton Fri 01-Feb-13 22:09:20

You need new friends, all this sounds too hurtful. Spend some time just on your own, you are a clever strong individual and you need to move on from everyone in this painful chapter of your life.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:13:02

I want female friends, I'm in an industry full of men (ha I was) and I adore my fgirlfriends but unfortunately he has won them over, I think Sn all girls' boarding school damaged us all.

Sorry to bother you all. Think you for caring.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 01-Feb-13 22:13:57

my heart is breaking for you. you sound so alone but it doesnt have to be this way. you probably need to cut these people out of your life but that probably seems insurmountable right now. have you had any recent counselling or cbt?

PleasePudding Fri 01-Feb-13 22:16:08

You're not a failure. You didn't kill your mother. You've had a shitty time of it and now you have a shitty boyfriend. Other people have had this and have been happy - you will be happy again.

Ditch him, get a great job. You'll get a great reference. Be gentle with yourself.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:16:46

I've had enough cut to keep bi polar in check which is quite a feat, and counselling doesn't do it for me. I'm on 100mg sertroline.

My heart has broken too. This hurts like fuck but my biggest fear is turning into a cynic and not loving my friends if they come around. Does that make me pathetic?

Sorry for typos. Am pretty sober but on iPad

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:17:51

Cut = cbt (iPad)

Please talk to someone in RL - your Dad - about how you feel right now.

Today is hard and you've been thrown a shit deal.

But tomorrow is a new day and something better will happen. You have your whole life ahead. New relationships, new friends, fun, laughter. It will all happen

Pick up the phone and talk to someone about how you feel now.

By the way you've done we'll to get rid of such a knobber.

And you deserve a better lover and friends.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:19:49

I ditched him last may. I used to live in Europe but moved back here for the job I've just lost so rather than pay rent in London I'm in home town with my father to look after him, about 40 min from London. He just won't leave me alone, and both he and the girl (his ex before me who he is back with) wont be happy til I'm like I am now

KenLeeeeeee Fri 01-Feb-13 22:20:18

You do not sound like a failure to me. You sound like an absolutely remarkably young woman who has achieved incredible things at such a young age and with such a difficult time growing up.

You. Are. Amazing.

Repeat that to yourself. I'm just an internet oddball and I am in awe of all the stuff you've achieved with your life.

Now you need to accept that the way you feel currently is the nature of the beast when you've just come out of an abusive relationship. This is not you; this is what he did to you.

You're not bothering any of us by posting just now. It sounds like you need to reach out to someone. Do you think talking to someone like the Samaritans would help?

iloveeverton Fri 01-Feb-13 22:20:29

Take this as the beginning not the end. Move on from these people. They will never make you happy.

You have got away from a man who could of made you miserable for years.

Faireenuff Fri 01-Feb-13 22:24:17

I'm so sorry today has been so horrible. People can be so thoughtless. Your ex sounds like a complete manipulative cunt. I'm sorry about your job, but, this is such a good opportunity to try something new. Please, you sound so lovely, try to hang onto the fact that you will find a new better job, you will find a new better relationship and you will enlarge your circle of friends in time, so whatever your ex does can't sting so much. I don't post much, but you sound so nice, your post moved me. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to tonight, including Samaritans or other helpline if needs be?

Like I said knobber. Don't let this pathetic excuse for a human define you and what you're meant to be.

What do you want for your life?

Where would you like to be in two year?

You will get a new job, make new friends, enjoy stuff. I am 40. I did most of my interesting and stimulating living from 33. You have time.

And fuck them. Both of them.

jackstini Fri 01-Feb-13 22:27:07

Then don't let him win

Whilst you don't feel it now, you have been strong before and you will be again.
You have already beaten him by leaving him - he lost.

You have got a great chance at a brilliant job with your degree and experience.
Can you ask your old work for a reference asap?
Get a copy of that glowing report you got recently - read it & believe it

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:31:49

I was a journalist. Losing one amazing position, no idea why, news travels fast. The fear.

I think in time you need to start a new chapter in your life, some of your friends if they are good friends, can join you there.
The world is a big place though with so many opportunities for a bright, caring woman like you.
Be kind to yourself tonight, and tomorrow or the day after start looking around to see what adventure you fancy ! There will be other friends along the way whichever path you take.
Maybe get some counseling especially about partners and how you feel about losing your Mum. That wasn't in any way your fault. I'm so sorry you lost your Mum when you were so young.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:36:21

He is the epitome of NPD. He thinks I've lost. He thinks that the fact he takes that girl to a house I own is winning. He is materialistic, cruel, lacks empathy...

Dear lords it hurts.

I couldn't care less about him, I really couldn't. It's my friends, or former friends, that hurt. Seriously, I haven't cared less, I've pushed back bad memories, I've realise lucky escape... It's the friends, job, my dad, life...

Fail sad

jackstini Fri 01-Feb-13 22:42:33

You haven't failed - people and situations have failed you.

Just because he thinks you've lost doesn't mean you have. His opinion is worth less than nothing.

See if you can get some sleep tonight and see how you feel in the morning - you are emotionally exhausted.

A massive (unmumsnetty) hug to you

IsItMeOr Fri 01-Feb-13 22:43:26

Couldn't read and not post. You sound like you have achieved so much already at such a young age.

I'm sorry to say that your friends sound very immature if they can be manipulated in this way.

We're all conditioned to this idea that we're supposed to have a massive group of friends who we share our lives with. While that happens for some, the reality for me and many others is that I have a very small number of really good friends and then a larger number of acquaintances.

You will find new friends/partner who are on the same wavelength as you, and honestly that will be all you need.

As a mum, I would say that 100% of the decision to have a child was mine and DH's, 0% was my son's. So please don't blame yourself so much for something that was never in your control.

And I can also say that your mum would be so very, very proud of you.

Chin up lovely.

I'm really sorry you're so upset tonight, but forget the party, forget him and his ex getting back together. I can't help saying that all that part doesn't matter

Try to see a bigger picture ? There will be a new job and fresh opportunities, including new friends and better relationships.

And for tonight just stop thinking, and go to bed.

Sleep well x

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:45:21

I cannot thank you enough for being so kind to me.

I couldnt care less about him, the poor, poor girl he is stringing along and using to hurt me... I just care that these are meant to be my oldest, best friends yet they are the ones having the party without me despite the fact I know he has said vile things about them all and I know for certain that through all their bad breakups I was the one listening, not the one telling them to man up and shut up (like the other girls were). It's just so sad.

I've dried my eyes long enough that my best friend (a man, he is sad for me) is here; we have touched up my frog eyes and are going for a quiet drink to get me out the house.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please don't stop posting because silly as it sounds you held me together this evening.

Smallpainfulpieces Fri 01-Feb-13 22:46:33

The biggest fear is getting a new job until I can start psych conversion in September. I've been self sufficient since I was 16; I hate that now I might not be.

Anyone fancy employing a PPE/Law (masters) graduate with lots of political and journo experience based in the SE ;) ?

jackstini Fri 01-Feb-13 22:47:42

Tis Karma!
You have held people together before and now it's your turn.

Enjoy your drink, glad you have got someone with you that you can trust smile

IsItMeOr Fri 01-Feb-13 22:51:39

Aw, that sounds better.

Wow, you're scaring me with all your qualifications. Do you need to earn a particular amount, or would you consider temping? I think there are still a fair few opportunities for somebody as bright as you, albeit at modest wages, if you don't mind admin work.

Good luck!

Faireenuff Fri 01-Feb-13 22:56:02

I'm so glad you've got RL support. Be kind to your very successful self!

JumpingJackSprat Fri 01-Feb-13 23:35:29

im so glad your friend is taking you out tonight and youve got someone in real life with you tonight. please take good care of yourself, you sound like such a lovely girl who doesnt deserve any.of this x

You have triumphed against all the negative things which have happened in your life. You know the truth about this abusive man. As you said he is a good liar and is convincing. You have your Dad and his support. Don't worry about becoming cynical.
I hope at least on of your friends shows loyalty to you. Sending you a hug.

nametakenagain Sat 02-Feb-13 00:09:59

You have come such a long way and achieved so much in so few years. This will stand you in good stead over the next 60 or so. Take a breath and take some time to congratulate yourself on what you've learnt and DO NOT let otherpeople's bad behaviour affect your judgement on this. If you can't fix a hurt ( like when someone you care about is being an idiot, or when things out of your hands for other reasons out of your control) remember that you will feel better as time passes even if you do nothing.

Get your CV together this weekend and send it to the publishing companies of newspapers and magazines. Try comms agencies. They are always looking for associates to help write internal magazines. And finally don't write off internal jobs - with those skills in law and writing, compliance departments might be a good place to look.

Glad you pal turned upsmile

JumpingJackSprat Sat 02-Feb-13 10:15:08

i hope youre ok today OP and that today treats you more kindly than yesterday x

Mosman Sat 02-Feb-13 10:22:07

It's always the darkest before dawn, just hang in there and it will get better.
(((((hugs))))))

Mia4 Sat 02-Feb-13 12:06:43

I'm sorry OP, this guy sounds like a Class A cunt, to be honest.

He sounds very controlling and manipulative, I knew someone like that and even now, after he's on a suspended prison order, people will say what nice person he is and how horrible all the people who took him to court for his emotional abuse and manipulations are. Some people won't see the truth, some can't: some are in denial, some it's easier to blame the less charismatic or more on the fringe of things person, others just don't want him turned on them and will, one day when he does, come running to you-those are not true friends, keep your distance from them. He enjoys the manipulation and doing all thise, is just another method of controlling you.

Hold tight to your true friend, eh or she is a keeper and always look on them as the one good thing that came out of this-you know they are a good and loyal friend. As for the others-cut them off. For your own sake. Even if they try to play nice they've taken sides and are enabling and condoning what he's doing. whether it's because they are too weak or honestly don't care-who knows. But toxic people like that are ones not to hold on to.

Take a deep breath and try to relax, try to disconnect yourself briefly to think about what you can do to minimise his impact in your life.

Hold tight to the loyal friends, distance form the others or cut out.

Block any method he has to communicate with you.

Get your CV out there-linkedIn, recruitment agencies, applying for jobs.

In the meantime why not try writing therapy? Make an anon blog? Or livejournal? (If you do the latter go to ljsecret for some advice too-you'll be surprised how many people have had similar issues.

You have come so far and you're strong enough to push him away then, you're strong enough (hard as it's going to be) to keep yourself distant. he wants the control over you, even if you're just blocking him off and faking that you don't care it will anger him and it will make him slip, just a little and you'll know he much as he can tyr and get to you, maybe even get to you a bit, he'll never have control over you because you'll always push back and shove him away.

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