Teenage ds (18) "I might bring a girl home tonight"

(160 Posts)
marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 20:28:37

DS just 18 - not had a serious girlfriend - didn't know he had one now. Just dropped him and in the car (I know, I know - he's 18 and has his own car but he's partying and he was late) he announced "I might bring a girl home tonight" I said really and where will she sleep and he said in his room. I said "I didn't know you had a girlfriend" and he said they had a bit of a thing going and I know he's had sex so what's the issue.

He took me by surprise and I said no because we don't know her, we don't know anything about her and it needs to be properly discussed with dad as well as with me. He was a bit meh said thank God he would be at uni soon but took it quite well and said thank you for the lift. I did say that if she came back with him that was fine but it was on the understanding that she slept in the guest room and he slept in his bedroom and didn't visit the guest room.

Oh bugger. What to do? He has a 14 year old sister and not sure I'm ready for this out of the blue. Fraaaaaaank are you there?

I think you've been pretty fair about this to be honest. I don't think it would be great for your DD to have strange females appearing out of his bedroom in the morning.

Out of respect for his family, I'd say that it -might- be ok for somebody that he was in a long term relationship with and whom the family have met and know...but no strangers!

Annunziata Fri 01-Feb-13 20:32:19

Goodness, there are a lot of teenage boys with girls tonight, I am going to lock mine up grin

Well, you've said she can stay now so you either have to text him and say you've rethought and you'd rather she didn't come at all or live with it. I wouldn't have allowed it myself.

HollyBerryBush Fri 01-Feb-13 20:33:41

Oh FFS what is it teenagers tonight

your house , your rules

you arent running a hotel either.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 20:43:17

Annunziata I said if she came back with him she was to sleep in the guest room. That wasn't his intention initially.

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Fri 01-Feb-13 20:54:44

I'd have been tempted to be deeply coarse to show my displeasure. And essentially played hell at his assumption that I was running a knocking shop.
<unclutches pearls and smooths twinset>

Fairylea Fri 01-Feb-13 20:58:34

I think it's a bit cheeky as you haven't even met her. It's a bit one night standish which is fine in his own place but seems somehow wrong at your parents (ie yours).
Would make for a very uncomfortable morning over breakfast !

Annunziata Fri 01-Feb-13 20:59:42

Yes but did you really expect her to stay in the guest room? Really?

NatashaBee Fri 01-Feb-13 21:00:43

I don't think he would stay in his room if she was in the guest room.

I wouldn't mind an 18 year old having a steady girlfriend over stay, but not one that I hadn't even met or heard of.

wibblyjelly Fri 01-Feb-13 21:04:21

I second that, Annun

feministefatale Fri 01-Feb-13 21:09:33

Think it's rude to insist you be allowed anyone home with out asking first. Does he pay rent?

Dozer Fri 01-Feb-13 21:11:29

"this is not a hotel"

StuntGirl Fri 01-Feb-13 21:14:15

I'd have said no too. Long term girlfriend or boyfriend I knew and had met, maybe. One night stand/fling, nope.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 21:32:02

I agree; although I doubt it's a one night stand. I also don't think he would visit the guest room because he knows the extent we would embarass him if he did. On that basis I don't think he will bring her back but I'll let you know tomorrow if he does.

Also agree we need to know the girl first. He does bring friends home sometimes without warning but they are lads we have known since they were eight or nine on the whole - so yes, this is different because we don't even know the girl's name.

Anyway DH is home now and has agreed with what I did at the same time as have chuckling away. DD's h'penny's worth is "FGS you two you are always wanting to know what he's up and when you get the chance to find out, you say no, no - keep away".

andubelievedthat Fri 01-Feb-13 21:42:35

whilst deffo sitting on the fence re this one>the breakfast scene from "trainspotting" springs to mind..most uncomfortable, no, i am off fence ! would have had to take your approach miw.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 21:46:03

Err, I think I would let him.

LOl @ your house your rules and are you running a hotel.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 21:47:03

Hes 18, an adult.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 21:50:59

Hello *usual*. It just took me by surprise - whizzed at me like a bloody curve ball - didn't know what to say.

OTTMummA Fri 01-Feb-13 21:51:57

You don't tell your mum you will be bringing a girl home, how rude! All he had to do was ask politely, it's his home, but it's your house.

defineme Fri 01-Feb-13 21:54:26

and as an 18 year old adult should respect the rules of the house he's living in rent free... sounds like he did too.
I think adults should respect each others privacy. My house is my private domain and I reserve the right not to have people I don't know seeing me in the morning in my dressing gown.
proper introduction first/ quiet shagging and changing your own sheets-perfect!

Kione Fri 01-Feb-13 21:54:30

spare room is fine, he might sneak in but as long and no one wakes up... who hasn't done something similar? at 18 is nit that bad... but I agree he should show respect ans ask her to stay in spare room.

Lambethlil Fri 01-Feb-13 21:55:13

usual he's 18, but he's not the householder. It was rude- did he not have an idea what you'd say? I'm certain my 12 yo DS would know what my opinion is likely to be in 6 years time...

Kione Fri 01-Feb-13 21:56:12

on a second thought, have you thought that if they wanted ro have sex they can manage that anywhere and maybe they just want to sleep together? literally, just cuddling??

Lambethlil Fri 01-Feb-13 21:56:54

Having said that I think I'll operate a sneek around and use the spare room please.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 21:57:05

It's tricky because we have, on the whole, welcomed everyone into our home and it is a home where people tend to drop by - our friends and the children's and we give people a welcome.

Lambethlil Fri 01-Feb-13 21:57:15


usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 21:57:27

I dunno, I have a different outlook from most of MN.

My DS is 20, This is his house too.

I hate all the your house your rules bollocks spouted on MN.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 21:58:32

I don't think my children are rude because they want to have friends over, male or female.

This is their home FFS.

Annunziata Fri 01-Feb-13 21:59:04

I welcome everyone too. At the front door, for dinner and some sort of conversation. They don't traipse in at 3am and reappear at my breakfast table.

I'm quite strict though.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 01-Feb-13 22:00:07

Not saying you should agree with me but I have never allowed it, dss 21 and 18.
Lol, ds 1 has girlfriend of 4 years but I make them sleep separate when she stays over.
We have dd 9 and whilst I know they have sex obviously they aren't in a partnership as such.
Ds2 hasn't got a gf but no way would he dream of announcing he was bringing a girl home.
Your house, your rules. Fair enough if you think it ok, but its your decision.

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:03:31

He's 18.

It's a normal thing for him to want isn't it? Sex. What did you think living with an 18yr old would be like?

defineme Fri 01-Feb-13 22:04:59

This is my kids home, but I don't think things work particularly well if no ones in charge-I'm in charge and I like to know the people that stay over night. I have a duty of care to all my kids and I reserve the right to veto unknown guests of either sex.

StickEmUp Fri 01-Feb-13 22:08:36

My parents used to drop me at my bf house and pick me up the next morning.
I was 16.
I guess it just depends on how liberal you are!

I got another bf at 18 and been with him ever since. 12 years ago.

Maybe the normality of it made me not sneak around?

Sallyingforth Fri 01-Feb-13 22:09:31

OP I think you are absolutely correct.
If this was an established girlfriend that you had met it might be different.
Could you ask your son to bring her round for a meal instead?

exoticfruits Fri 01-Feb-13 22:11:32

I think it fair enough that you should get to know people before they stay over night..

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:13:25

'Can we have dinner together before I decide if you can have sex under my roof?'


landofsoapandglory Fri 01-Feb-13 22:14:33

Bloody hell, I had a similar conversation with DS1(18) yesterday afternoon!

I was driving (why do they wait until you are driving) back from town and he asked if I would object if he brought a "friend with benefits" back one night!shock. I was a bit taken a back TBH, but in all reality I would prefer it if it were a steady girlfriend and told him so.

But saying that, I did say, if they had nowhere else to go, as long as she was consenting, over the age of consent and neither were off their face then I wouldn't mind, but could he leave me a sign like a red sock on the door handle. The cheeky sod said he only has one pair of red socks, so could I buy him some more!

It is a difficult age. They are adults in age, but still children to us, living in our houses, going to school etc. It's hard! <scuse the pun grin>

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:19:45

Just hang on in there and remember what you would have wanted at that age. But don't let him take the piss. And remember its another parents child he will be with.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 22:20:21

"friend with benefits" ? It is bloody difficult.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:20:44

And they are economically dependent, so you can exercise some control if you want to be the bad guy.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:21:08

Pretty foul of him though.

landofsoapandglory Fri 01-Feb-13 22:23:01

Friend with benefits is having no strings attached sex with a friend, Married!

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 22:23:05

Perhaps if DH and I decide it's OK, I should take them in tea and toast in the the morning. Bet that would be so embarassing it won't happen again - esp if I ask if they have had a lovely time grin and was there a minor earthquake last night?

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:23:57

"parents child" - Presumably she will be an adult and not a child. An adult old enough to make her own decisions.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 22:24:28

Oh, thanks for clarifying *lofs&g*.

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:25:34

Why would you want to exercise some control over an 18yo?

BigSilky Fri 01-Feb-13 22:26:41

Just because he's 18 doesn't mean he has free reign in my opinion. He should still treat his parents and siblings with respect.

MsTakenidentity Fri 01-Feb-13 22:28:54

YANBU MiW, and handled the situation very well.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 22:29:29

He asked; and he accepted the answer. I was actually quite impressed to be honest.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 01-Feb-13 22:30:22

Just a thought but would the reaction be the same if it were your daughters.
God help the bf that tries to sleep round here when dds older.
Dh, and 2 older brothers. grin

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 22:30:36

an 18 year old is not a child

noddyholder Fri 01-Feb-13 22:31:02

I agree with usual

StickEmUp Fri 01-Feb-13 22:31:58

Hd probably be better in his own bed than wherever else he might choose to do it instead.
I guess the thought of him doing it under the roof is weird, seriously,
He might just do it at the party instead.

BettySuarez Fri 01-Feb-13 22:31:59

I would have no problem with it personally. He's an adult and my home is still theirs so I would be more than happy to welcome home partners.

Our eldest is 17 (DD) and her boyfriend stays over on a frequent basis. She wants to go on the pill, so we are just getting that sorted.

I probably would have been ok at 16 but not 15.

We are quite liberal by the sounds of things. But I do think that if they are going to have sex then I would prefer it if it was in the comfort of her own bed.

Casmama Fri 01-Feb-13 22:32:30

Tbh I think if he brings her back they will just shag in his room and then she will go to the guest room. At least this way they will presumably keep the noise down!

deleted203 Fri 01-Feb-13 22:32:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have always welcomed any friends round - but would draw the line at this. As others have said, this is my home and my sanctuary from the bloody world - so I don't want to have to be polite to random teenage girls (or boys) that I've never seen in my life before at the breakfast table. Neither do I want them to see me swanning around in my nightie, thanks very much. Plus I've got younger DCs and don't want them to think that 'strangers at the breakfast table' is fine and dandy.

On a personal note - when I was at uni, bf and I went to stay with his parents (for me to meet them) one weekend and they put us in the same double room....obviously we were having sex, but I was completely mortified and really uncomfortable under their roof and didn't dare turn over all night in case the bedsprings squeaked! In the morning his mother greeted me with the words, 'Did you have a good night?' (FFS!) and I was stunned to silence - unsure whether I was supposed to say, 'My God, yes! He's a stallion of a man, your son' - or whether to squeak out, 'Oh yes, asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow' grin.

(Chose the latter phrase for those who are interested...)

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:33:16

Yes and that respect should go both ways.

Wheres the respect for the fact that is an adult male with all the natural feelings that go along with that?

To exercise control over him because he is economically dependent doesn't sound very respectful to me.

I'm just impressed that after dashing his hopes he said thanks for the lift. He sounds lovely.

I shall be watching people's thoughts with much interest so I am prepared with some sort of response when hijacked in future.

Sallyingforth Fri 01-Feb-13 22:35:03

'Can we have dinner together before I decide if you can have sex under my roof?' I think you knew that I didn't mean it that way.

If the girl got to know the family first rather than just crept in to use the bed, they could all be more relaxed about it if/when the son asked again.

exoticfruits Fri 01-Feb-13 22:37:19

If you live with people you have to take them into consideration. I wouldn't have someone stay over without having introduced them first and so I would expect them to do the same.

BigSilky Fri 01-Feb-13 22:38:21

Respecting the fact that he is an adult and wants to have sex is different to allowing a stranger to sleep in your house though.

It would be different if it was his own house, I think that's unavoidable.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 22:39:35

morethanpotatoprints I entirely agree with you. He has a 14 year old sister and I felt I needed to think about it all quite carefully. On balance and having had a chat with DH our view is that we will have a chat with him tomorrow and tell him that if it is a genuine relationship and if we can meet her and have some information about who she is, where she lives, what school she goes to etc., then it's fine. DH has also said it's on condition he tidies his bloody bedroom because if a girl sees the state of it she won't want to come back.

Don't think we are of the he lives here for free and it's not a hotel persuasion. Yes he does live here for free, because we want him to focus on school and getting to uni and we are also satisfied that he works very hard. We would also prefer to know what he's up to than him keeping it secret and doing it elsewhere. But it is all rather odd, we have only just retrieved the lego from the shed and put it in the next church sale box confused.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:40:17

usualsuspect an 18 year old is not a child
Is he paying his way? Economically he is probably a child and the OP should not be railroaded into something she is not comfortable with.

exoticfruits Fri 01-Feb-13 22:41:07

I don't want to bump into people as I get up to go to the loo in the night if I have never met them. I have moved on a lot since my days of shared houses!

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:41:15

So as long as you've said Hello to her she can stay over?

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:42:16

Just to add we have always been OK with our DDs having BFs stay over. It's a big step though and they should not do it lightly.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 22:44:30

Oh well, am off to bed. Will check to see if the guest room's made up on my way. Will let you know whether she stayed over in the morning. My money's on that not happening.

milkandribena Fri 01-Feb-13 22:44:43

Personally ?

My parents always had an open house policy with everyone that me and my sibling new - whether that people we may have been seeing (however casually or serious) or just friends.
You don't get to qualify who you deem suitable for sharing his bed by if she has met your standards and have met her - I guess you think you have done a good job raising him, trust him

It is him home as well.
Maybe you should be happy you have the sort of relationship where he wouldn't just sneak her in and out and hide it from you, but tell you.

I don't get when people say 'my house my roles' esp when it is in terms of an adult (because that is what he is granted a teenager but an adult) having perfectly normal relationships with people.

I also think that carriedawayannie is right.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 22:45:29

Oh stop with the paying his way crap.

Money has fuck all to do with this.

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:46:01

PessaryPam - Nonsense. He isn't Economically dependant because he is a child. He simply doesn't work full time because he is studying to go to Uni.

Presumably the OP is happy about this arrangement and would rather this than him stacking shelves as a future career option.

If he were stacking shelves and paying rent would that make it ok to have sex under his parents roof?

Plan for the future, go to Uni, can't pay rent = Can't have sex.
Fuck the future,stack shelves, pay rent - Have sex.

I'm failing to see the logic.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:47:02

I think paying for the gig carries some weight non?

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:47:09

X posts with usual

BigSilky Fri 01-Feb-13 22:47:57

Anyone willing to meet their boyfriend's parents is obviously more committed than some girl coming from a party or club.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:48:08

No one is saying you can't have sex, just not on my premises, you would not expect to have sex in Sainsburys or Tescos would you?

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:48:24

No Pessary. It means nothing. Unless the girl is charging for sex.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 22:49:35

So can he have sex if he pays rent?

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:49:51

But I do add this is not what we did but you are in your rights as a home owner not to feel uncomfortable. Our DDs were really nice and did bring guys home and it was not awkward. I just hate this entitled child thing.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:50:32

Carried, it means everything if you choose it to.

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:50:44

Why does she have to be committed BigSilky?

It's illegal to have sex in Tesco Pessasry. And as the OP's son doesn't live in Tesco, I'm once again failing to see the logic of your point?

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:50:49

And to usual too.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 22:51:16

I hate the term 'entitled' nearly as much as 'your house your rules'

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:51:41

entitled child


<bangs head on table>

StickEmUp Fri 01-Feb-13 22:52:59

Im with usual.
This thread has gone weird.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:53:04

He is a lodger at 18.

BigSilky Fri 01-Feb-13 22:54:03

It's the aspect of bringing a stranger home that I wouldn't like, so I would let a girlfriend stay over but not a one night stand.

StickEmUp Fri 01-Feb-13 22:54:13

I cant think of a decent reply not a sarcastic comment.

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:54:43

Carried, it means everything if you choose it to.

But why would the OP choose to use the fact that her son is studying hard and therefore unable to work FT against him? confused

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:54:51

But TBH I really don't care what you do with your sons. We did what we did with our DDs and it was fine. I just don't like people being railroaded into feeling uncomfortable in their own homes.

marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 22:55:20

This is getting really silly. I don't think he was being entitled. He told me what he was planning and gave me the opportunity to say no. He could have just done it but he didn't; he's more respectful than that. I didn't interpret his presentation of it as him expecting the answer to be yes no problem. I think he phrased it in a fairly normal way for a teenage boy. I would have been a bit more shocked if he had said something like "mum, I have been getting to know a girl and please may I bring her back tonight to sleep and have sex in my bedroom with me"? Now that would have been odd.

OrangeLily Fri 01-Feb-13 22:55:32

Sounds like he is fairly sensible! Maybe worth a proper talk tomorrow and explain your reasons.

For what's its worth DH wasn't allowed in my room/in the same room at my parents until we were engaged at 23/24. We were allowed at DH's parents from 18/19. Guess which house we'd still rather stay at and feel more respected as a couple?

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:56:23

Oh I am so sorry if he is studying hard your should all prostrate yourselves before him. Alternatively you could all make allowances for each other in the family home.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 22:57:50

Hes entitled to be an adult, hes entitled to have sex.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:57:56

Orange we always allowed our DDs to have friends of either sex stay over with them. but it's not fair to force parents to do something they are really uncomfortable with.

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 22:58:13

<< Baffled >>

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 22:58:38

Usual if they want they are entitled to tell him to sling his hook it works all ways.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 22:59:25

He asked his mum, he didn't just smuggle here in up the drain pipe.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 23:00:12


marriedinwhite Fri 01-Feb-13 23:00:50

confused and [tired] emoticon

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 23:01:10

Oh yes, lets chuck our 18 year olds out, because they are just lodgers after all.

Not our children.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 01-Feb-13 23:01:11

I would not want to find a stranger at my breakfast table. Ever.

When my sons are old enough to have serious relationships, and we have met those people then yes I expect they will be welcome to stay over.

landofsoap - friends with benefits? No way.

If my brother or my cousin were staying here and announced they might 'bring a girl/boy back' then the answer would be the same. No strangers in the house overnight.

BigSilky Fri 01-Feb-13 23:01:58

Asking doesn't make it okay... and no one said anything about chucking them out.

Nothing useful to add except that you could make a mint on the Lego on eBay grin <spectacularly misses the point>

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 23:03:59

Usual, I have a better idea. Get them to be active consultative member of the family. Ours are.

noddyholder Fri 01-Feb-13 23:06:15

Usual,I agree. I regularly find people in our house. MN is the only place I hear all this take half their wages don't cook or do their washing etc. most of my rl mates have their pre and post uni kids at home and like it.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 23:06:35

So are mine. I never pulled the my house my rules, when you pay rent card either.

PariahHairy Fri 01-Feb-13 23:07:43

I don't really get the whole you cannot have sex in my house thing, I have been having sex in the same house as my children since well, when they were born.

I don't have teenagers but will have soon, at 18 I don't think I would mind them having sex in my house, unless I could hear it or something,that would be grim.

I want to be as open and accepting as I can with my children. When i got with dp who was 18 years older than me, he and my Mum didn't meet until I was literally giving birth, she was such a judgy moo I had hidden him until then.

bringmeroses Fri 01-Feb-13 23:08:14

FWIW it sounds like you handled it perfectly OP. You gave him clear boundaries of what needs to happen if she comes back. If they have a quick bit of nookie before going into separate rooms your DD is none the wiser and no harm is done assuming theyre' being safe. And if the relationship gets more serious then perhaps they can share a room? He's prob equally uncomfortable at the thought of his mum knowing he's engaging in 'coitus'...

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 23:08:31

We have not either usual but ours have never made us uncomfortable.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 23:09:13

MN is so weird about teenagers, I feel like an oddball most of the time.

I like my kids to have friends round.

Letmeintroducemyself Fri 01-Feb-13 23:09:21

I have a 6 month rule for overnights, because I have younger children in the house, if they want space for randomers, then they need a place of their own.

noddyholder Fri 01-Feb-13 23:11:26

No usual younaren't odd! It is like they get tom18 and a whole set of rues designed to make them feel unwelcome kick in. Inthink the op and her son sound lovely though and just think she was caught unawares

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 23:11:30

I don't feel uncomfortable about my teenagers having friends to stay.

noddyholder Fri 01-Feb-13 23:12:06

iPad spelling sorry!

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 23:12:36

I think the OP has a great attitude to her teenagers usually.

bringmeroses Fri 01-Feb-13 23:12:45

Ahh! I had to read back for Whispers' reference and the thought of him being into Lego one minute and into... ahem... the next... don't they grow up quick!!

CarriedAwayAnnie Fri 01-Feb-13 23:14:02

When mine reach teenage age, I'll be searching for Usuals posts on how to deal with it.

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 23:14:02

I don't either usual but then I like my kids friends. What would happen if they had some friends that were really dodgy? What would you do then? And I know people this has happened to. Would you resort to 'it's my houes'?

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 23:15:34

FFS house

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 23:20:06

I've had 3 teenagers, I welcome their friends into my house. I don't do the my house my rules shit. oh yes, theres been some dodgy ones, but my kids soon learnt who was a twat.

It's worked for me.

noddyholder Fri 01-Feb-13 23:21:17

They do have their own twat radar no matter how cool they find thevlocal pita to start with.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 23:23:22

They do though, I've told my DS that boys a twat and mostly he will say you were right mum grin

noddyholder Fri 01-Feb-13 23:36:08

I've had that too the mates you have concerns about always disappear quite quickly

marriedinwhite Sat 02-Feb-13 07:54:45

Good morning all. He's tucked up fast aspleep in bed. The guest room is empty. I will update later but out for most of the day and won't be able to talk to him until much later. Thanks for support.

CabbageLeaves Sat 02-Feb-13 08:13:39

I think you handled it fine MiW. It's less to do with the sex (for me) and more to do with the timing of the request. He sprung it on you rather than dealing in a more adult way (understandably)

I own my house, I still mention to my children if my DP is coming to stay and check its ok with them because they my important cohabitees. I want them to feel comfortable and acknowledged.

I've told both my teens they can have regular b/fs back but I would expect to meet them first. Same as I would suspect they'd like to have met a man before finding him having coffee in my bed in the morning

I hadnt really thought about what I would do in this situation as my DDs are still tiny but I agrew with usual on this.

Infact, I hope my DDs will bring boys home. Not a different one every week. But if they are bringing them to the house at least I will know whats going on in their lives, unlike my parents who hadnt a clue because I had to be sneaky.

Also, I will be able to sort them out with the pill etc.

I would rather know and be greeted with a teenage boy now and again, than drive myself crazy worrying about the unknown.

Oh, and its their house too.

pingu2209 Sat 02-Feb-13 08:57:37

I wouldn't let a total stranger stay in my house. She could be a murderer. Unlikely though.

However, she could have really bad manners and different social ettiquet that would really piss you off - in your own home.

I wouldn't let anyone I didn't know in my house. End of.

GetOrf Sat 02-Feb-13 08:58:28

I agree there are some odd attitudes towards teenagers on mumsnet (usually by people with 6 year olds who find teenagers positively scary).

Married I think you just got surprised when your son asked you. I think it's probably better if you meet thr girl beforehand, may be nicer for her as well rather than waking up in the same house with all the embarrassment of meeting her boyfriend's mum for the first time at breakfast.

DD brings mates back all the time - most of her friends are boys so often come home to a sitting room full of great big lollopping lads (I love it). And she had a bf for 2 years, he stayed round in her bed from when she was 16. But I did know her bf - I think that helps.

I hate your house, your rules. It's her house as much as mine. She isn't an entitled brat - she is my kid. Not a bloody lodger either.

BettySuarez Sat 02-Feb-13 09:10:10

I wonder if I won't be quite as laid back when my sons want to bring daughters home?

With my daughters, I feel more relaxed because I know that I can talk to them quite openly about sexual health and contraception.

With my sons, I can do the same to a certain extent but have no remit over their girlfriends. I would probably end up feeling quite anxious about the girlfriend and her personal well-being.

BettySuarez Sat 02-Feb-13 09:11:22

That should read 'when my sons want to bring girlfriends home

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 02-Feb-13 09:22:26

I agree with usual
I don't have teenagers yet but DM would let us have boyfriends to stay over in our rooms from the age of 16. She would rather us be in the comfort and safety of our own home than in some car park / field / back alley somewhere.

jamdonut Sat 02-Feb-13 09:46:56

I have a 20 year old son living at home. He ca't have girlfriends stay over.
That is because he has no choice but to share a room with his 12 and a half year old brother.
I wouldn't be very happy about non-long term girlfriends staying over,even if we had the room to accomodate them.

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 09:59:10

it's the aspect of bringing a stranger home that I wouldn't like, so I would let a girlfriend stay over but not a one night stand.
^^ this
It is odd surely that the first time you meet someone important in your ds's life is when she stays over. Why not start with coming round for pizza or whatever? Also, are you then responsible for the young woman? Do you need to check what age she is, if her parents know where she is etc?

thebody Sat 02-Feb-13 10:21:15

We had all this with dss now in 20s. We have dds younger and also felt need to protect them and to see how their brothers treated girls iucwim.

Anyway as long as we knew the girl beforehand and they were in a relationship and obviously over 16 we said it was ok as long as no overt 'noise' lol.

Funny now as dds are young teens and we discussing this with their brothers... Amazingly enough they are dead against us allowing the girls the same freedoms and so is dh!!

Bless them, I will make sure our dds are treated just the same but was amused at the prevailing double standards.

Op think you acted very responsibly and it is indeed your house.

mrsbunnylove Sat 02-Feb-13 10:26:42

if you want to mate, build your own den.

Locketjuice Sat 02-Feb-13 10:38:39

My partner walked me into his house at 11.30 and said oh this is locketjuice she's staying round.. That's my parents by the way, his dad replied with fuck i thought he was gay.. It was awkward smile

thebody Sat 02-Feb-13 10:40:45

Lock, that's hilarious.

InNeedOfBrandy Sat 02-Feb-13 10:51:03

I agree with usual like usual <rolls eyes> say something I don't agree with you on for once please grin

FastidiaBlueberry Sat 02-Feb-13 11:01:10

How extraordinary that your husband and sons have such double standards thebody.

Why? Do they say what the cause of their hypocrisy is?

marriedinwhite Sat 02-Feb-13 11:08:18

With all these strangers round the breakfast table comments I now have visions of all MNet families arriving at a set breakfast table with honey, jam and marmalade arrAnged next tO the teapot milk jug and sugar bowl.

Really can't quite see DS and GF arriving to take their seats at the formal Saturday morning brekfast. What time do you all have it?

In our house it would go something like - can I have a tenner mum, coz me and g/f fancy going to Starbucks. I might say I can make you a bacon sarnie and coffee here and am pretty sure it wd be "no you're OK" and they would scarper before a conversation could take place. Prob at about 11.30.

Anyway, lots of intl rugby to keep all the boys happy today. About to go underground so will check back later.

So he respected your wishes then.

I will never forget being 18, and bringing a bloke home. Not because he was a boyfriend, but because he lived far away from town and lost his bus, and I lived in walking distance. He was basically just going to crash until morning. (Neither of us were drunk) I put a note up inside my parents bedroom door (so they could see it when getting up) saying:

"Mum, I have a visitor, do not check on me at 4 am as you usually do"

My naive and innocent self just did not quite realize how this would look! hmm

Poor mum. She respected my wishes, but she had not slept much between 4 am and 9 am when I got up.

GetOrf Sat 02-Feb-13 11:20:41

Oh god married I don't even eat breakfast. Me and dd just generally hiss at each other in the mornings and shout 'where's my bloody key' etc. I do assume that all other mothers on MN make muffins a la NIgella and I am just a scumbag, though. grin

ChestyLeRoux Sat 02-Feb-13 11:22:53

Most of my girls friends were allowed boyfriends to sleep round from age 16, and boy friends were allowed girlfriends from age 18 as they mature slower.However most of those actually met in the day first before they were allowed.

I was a bit Nigella this morning. I made Tudor Jelly in individual portions in little glass jars after breakfast! grin

Annunziata Sat 02-Feb-13 11:26:39

He sounds a lovely boy OP, glad he respected your wishes.

We have breakfast together at half ten.

LadyFlumpalot Sat 02-Feb-13 11:27:28

I once asked a lad I vaugely knew into my mums house for a cup of coffee. I genuinely meant a cup of coffee as he had been a sweetie and given me a lift home. (Yes, I know, I was young and stupid)

I directed him to the living room and went to make a cuppa, came back with the coffee and he was naked. In my mums living room! shock

Seems he read a lot more into "would you like a cup of coffee?" Than I thought possible.

No, he did not get lucky, in fact he barely got his boxers back on before I propelled him out the front door.

FastidiaBlueberry Sat 02-Feb-13 11:28:10

God some people on this thread are posh.

Breakfast together at a specific time...

Tudor jelly...

The only thing we have regular is Grill Graham at 10.30. blush

usualsuspect Sat 02-Feb-13 11:29:39

My weekend mornings sound like Marrieds and Georfs. grin I admit I'm a scumbag too though.

My DS never surfaces till about midday. Makes tea for him and whoever crashed here and buggers off back upstairs.

exoticfruits Sat 02-Feb-13 13:19:16

I think that all it boils down to is that some people are comfortable with 'open house' and some are not. By 18yrs your DCs will have worked out which category you fall into.

kalidanger Sat 02-Feb-13 13:32:07

The only time I EVER had a bf to stay at my parents (awkward out-of-the-way place) was when I was 30, he was 34 and we lived together. We were drunk, we made the bed squeak and we got back up and got a taxi home. I still cringe about it sad grin

I think MiW did the right thing considering it was sprung on her so out of the blue - he didn't say "I might bring <Jenny> back tonight", just a 'girl', which makes it sound very one night standish and kind of skanky.
He doesn't appear to have even mentioned her before, that's what stands out to me! Maybe if he'd been talking about her regularly, like "I'm meeting Jenny in town/to see a film/going to the pub with Jenny" etc etc then MiW would have been ok with her coming over without having met her before.

Have just discussed the theory overnight guests with DH (DS is only 20mo so not really a pressing issue), and he agrees that we wouldn't be happy with randoms, but would be ok with G/BFs we'd met or heard about!

marriedinwhite Sat 02-Feb-13 14:59:38

Just texted him to say when we know who she is and have met her dad says it's fine providing you don't make a noise. Proper gf fine; one night stand not fine. And you must wear a condom smile. Suspect it's been going on since New Year's eve - keen to go home and find out who it is.

13Iggis Sat 02-Feb-13 17:00:04

In our early thirties, I regularly slept at my future-in-laws house with my future-dh. In separate rooms. I don't think I will go that far with my own dcs!

FastidiaBlueberry, you might be interested to hear that my Tudor Jelly was a big flop, and did not turn out as expected - though I think it might have been to King Henrys liking!

I decided to add jelly into large muffin cases, and put a marshmallow on each to add interest.

When I took them out of the cupcake tray (which I put them in for the jelly to keep it shape) they fell flat.

I had 8 pairs of posh titty with marshmallow nipple shaking on my dinner table. confused

Pmsl grin

Marriedinwhite, good luck with the conversation, I hope you get to meet her soon. (sorry for this titillating high-jack)

Flatbread Sat 02-Feb-13 20:12:36

I sometimes wonder why today's kids will want to leave home at all.

For our generation, we longed for our freedom to be able to have our own place to have sex, wear whist we wanted and eat what/when we wanted and stay out as late as we wanted, And studying hard to get a good job, abd then working and the responsibilities that came with that was the natural and willing price for freedom.

Now that kids have all the freedom under their parents roof, what is the incentive to move out and work hard in the real world?

No wonder so many are coming back home to mum and dad!

marriedinwhite Sat 02-Feb-13 20:25:14

All I can say, is thank you Mnet. He likes her but she's not a steady g/f and dd piped up "ooh a friend with benefits"!!!!!!! Evidently he doesn't want a proper g/f when he's off to uni in the autumn and he doesn't want anything heavy because of looming exams.

The girl turns out to be someone I burped at a dinner party when I was 7 months pg with him. She is the daughter of one of DH's clients, although not a couple we have kept up with socially. Her little sister is at school with dd. I have had to say very little; DH has said no way jose. No pooping on your own doorstep with the dd of one of my clients unless you bloody well care about the gir.

Sorted that one out then hmm.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 02-Feb-13 20:40:52

Good decision to refuse then! Hopefully even at 18 he can see the sense in that?

marriedinwhite Sat 02-Feb-13 20:44:32

Bloody minefield this parenting lark. Looks adoringly at dd, the less challenging one so far

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 02-Feb-13 20:49:58

Give her a chance... wink

ajandjjmum Sat 02-Feb-13 21:09:45

Ds is nearly 21 and has been seeing his gf for nearly three years. She started off in the spare room, and is now in his room, but sadly our eyesight is such that we fail to notice. grin I did have to wake them up yesterday morning though - felt very odd knocking on DS's door!!!

I had that conversation with my pfb once - his first serious girlfriend was allowed to stay over, but they had been together for a year, and we knew her parents, and knew they knew where she was.
After they split up and I was almost as upset as he was because she was lovely and he was an arse sighhhh he wanted "some random girl" to stay the night and I said no, and then had to explain why which wasn't fun, but hopefully got through to him that sleeping with someone you love and respect and have a meaningful relationship with is an entirely different thing to "just a shag" with someone you hardly know confused
I think it worked, as the next girl he went out with is now his fiancee, they live together, have been together almost 4 years, and are planning their wedding grin and she lived here for six months before they moved into their own wee house

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