that my partner didn't cut the umbilical cord?

(128 Posts)
ScouseBrow Fri 01-Feb-13 17:52:54

My first is only 3 weeks old and whilst we are extremely happy and exhausted we are still quite upset by the fact that my partner never got to cut the umbilical cord.

It was written in my notes that he didn't want to cut it. When I was in labour however the nurse asked him again would he like to cut it and he said he wasn't sure and she said she would ask him again when it was time to cut it.

However once he was delivered the dr cut the cord himself and my partner was never asked.

We both feel like it was a special moment taken away from us. Aibu?

JoanByers Fri 01-Feb-13 17:55:05

who gives a flying whatever.

MrsHavisham Fri 01-Feb-13 17:55:33

Yes. Midwives are not psychic AFAIK.

scarletforya Fri 01-Feb-13 17:56:26

Sorry, I think YABU.

You are only concerned because it gets built into a weird thing. Just forget about it. It's not important or necessary. You have a baby, a real live human baby. Anyway, he wasn't very sure, was he? All that faffing must piss the HCP off.

millie30 Fri 01-Feb-13 17:56:52

YABU.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Fri 01-Feb-13 17:56:57

YANBU to be disapointed, that is your right to feel as you do. However did the doctor have a reason to cut it himself? The MW had to cut DDs because it had tangled and got caught or something (I was pretty out of it on pure exhaustion by then so cant remember that bit).

FWIW, there will be so many special moments in the first year alone of your child's life that you will both be able to enjoy, more special than the cutting of the cord even. You need to let it go, it cant be undone. And I mean that in the nicest possbile way. smile

nefertarii Fri 01-Feb-13 17:57:12

If you are being serious. Yes YANVU. The priority is checking your child is well and healthy, not whether or not your partner has made his mind up.

I am hoping you are not usually like this and its hormones, not sure what his excuse is. But do you usually look for the negative of every situation?

Pandemoniaa Fri 01-Feb-13 17:57:24

It actually isn't a full moon either.

nefertarii Fri 01-Feb-13 17:57:32

Shit.... should say YABVU

lljkk Fri 01-Feb-13 17:57:36

????

WorraLiberty Fri 01-Feb-13 17:58:20

YABU

He was there, wasn't that special enough?

Meglet Fri 01-Feb-13 17:59:12

If it was in the notes then you can't blame the midwife for going with that.

There's a gazzilion more moments you will get to have as parents, some you will miss some you won't.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 01-Feb-13 17:59:39

You have a newborn, you can be as unreasonable as you like for at least a little while longer, but tbh, I do think you are being a tiny bit unreasonable when you say you feel like it was taken away from you. It really is a very tiny part of fatherhood, and I'm sure you have already had lots of special moments and have many many more to come.

The only thing I'm wondering is why you had a doctor present? If it was complicated, then maybe the cord cutting just didn't feature in the doctors list of priorities.

mumblechum1 Fri 01-Feb-13 17:59:44

Words fail me. Try giving birth to a baby who is brain damaged.

CaramelBobbi Fri 01-Feb-13 17:59:44

I know everything is relative, but really. You have a live, healthy three week old baby, you are worrying about something inconsequential. I was with a friend today whose sister has just had a stillborn son at 39 weeks. Please try to see how much it doesn't matter who cut the cord.

thebody Fri 01-Feb-13 18:00:38

Don't be silly. You have a healthy baby. Be grateful.

And staff usually are actually quite busy while your baby is being born. I expect the doctor couldn't access the notes while the head was crowning.

Hang on though it said he didn't want to!!!

BarredfromhavingStella Fri 01-Feb-13 18:01:01

YABU, it was in your notes.

Don't really get the big deal of cutting the cord tbh hmm

Your baby is here healthy and safe, what other special moments do you need?

MegaClutterSlut Fri 01-Feb-13 18:01:13

YABU it was written in the notes that he didn't want to the cord

MegaClutterSlut Fri 01-Feb-13 18:01:32

*cut the cord

kelly14 Fri 01-Feb-13 18:01:40

in my opinion yes, your being a bit precious!
i never had a birth plan, dont see the point and as it happened had an emergency c section. My mum and dp was with me but only one allowed in, so my mum came in, and she didnt cut the cord!

I have friends who are midwives and they are so busy, so if your there then you could have said, wait a minute my hubby wants to cut cord!

A birth plan is a guide of what 'YOU' want to happen, midwives cant read everyones when on a busy ward, their job is to get your baby out safely, and if you want something to happen you need to be vocal as notes are rarely read!

Geekster Fri 01-Feb-13 18:02:06

My DH was going to cut our dd umbilical cord, we had a planned c section so was a relaxed birth but we were so caught in meeting her we forgot! To be honest it really doesn't matter. I was also going to ask to look at the placenta but once we saw our dd nothing else matterd. I'm sure in time you won't even think about it.

CheCazzo Fri 01-Feb-13 18:02:55

We both feel like it was a special moment taken away from us. Aibu?

Would that be the special moment that you specifically noted should NOT take place?
Fuck me dead - and then you ask AIBU?

[words/fail]

BinarySolo Fri 01-Feb-13 18:03:19

Actually I don't think YABU. The midwife asked my dh if he'd like to cut the cord. He said yes then she did it herself. Then said oh sorry you wanted to do that didn't you.

At the time I watched her do it and it really worried me as I thought she was rushing to do it because there was a problem with ds. In reality she was just very absent minded and distracted, but that's a whole other thread!

It's a bit annoying, but it doesn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things.

moonstorm Fri 01-Feb-13 18:03:21

Why all the fuss about the husband not getting to do the one thing that forever separates mother from baby...

Sorry, but YABU, but then you've just had a baby, so you're allowed. You won't even think about it in a few year's time.

Bottleoffish Fri 01-Feb-13 18:03:58

I don't think YABU, but I do agree in the scheme of things that it doesn't really matter in the long run.

I think it's very unfair that people are saying things like 'try giving birth to a brain damaged baby' or talking about stillborn babies are unfair. I have had both a child with Downs Syndrome and twins who were very premature and ultimately both died and yet when we had our youngest DD it was very important to DH to cut the cord and he would have been devastated if he hadn't been able to.

Many hospitals don't give you the option, and it was in your notes that he wasnt going to want to...

Congratulations on your newborn. I'm confident that when you are through the newborn exhausted, hormonal stage you won't be as bothered.

Fwiw I hate the symbolism of the ceremonial cord cutting. If a HCP does it, then it's just a routine thing.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 01-Feb-13 18:05:40

You have a healthy baby.

Be grateful for and focus on that.

specialsubject Fri 01-Feb-13 18:05:50

may this be the worst thing that ever happens to you.

YAB....ridiculous.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Fri 01-Feb-13 18:07:52

Agree Bottleoffish I think the brain damaged baby comment is pretty unfair. Also if you read the OP shes 3 weeks post birth. Give her a break, eh?

Floggingmolly Fri 01-Feb-13 18:09:01

When did it become such a "special moment"? Presumably after he declined it in your birth plan, and said he wasn't sure when asked by the midwife.
How much time and energy did you expect to be devoted to changing his mind? hmm.
MOVE ON!

cocolepew Fri 01-Feb-13 18:09:38

YABU.

Coconutty Fri 01-Feb-13 18:09:38

You changed your minds at the last minute and the doctor didnt realise. So what? just forget it and move on, totally non problem.

Enjoy your baby, the early days are a special time.

nefertarii Fri 01-Feb-13 18:09:43

Bottleoffish and Binary

Read the OP. He didn't want to and was asked later and still wasn't sure. The priority at any birth (even healthy ones) are to make sure the baby is ok. Not stand around while the father decides whether he wants to or not.

Also he could have said so himself.

Shit like this pisses me off. As though medical professionals haven't got better stuff to do.

I believe its also quite important to cut the cord quite quickly. Not a time to discuss it. He should have made his mind up before.

How can something they didn't want be taken away?

YouOldSlag Fri 01-Feb-13 18:09:45

My DH had big plans to cut the cord but I ended up having a EMCS so it didn't happen and didn't seem so important after that.

He was able to do it for my 2nd, which was a ELCS though, which was nice.

As a previous poster said above, maybe it was tangled or needed to be done quickly, or maybe the Doc looked at your birth plan.

Anyway, I wanted two natural births and didn't get them, but I did get the world's two most incredible children, so I don't care about the rest. It seems very small now.

Pagwatch Fri 01-Feb-13 18:10:14

My dh didn't want to.
I don't think it is a precious moment unkess it is something you both deeply want to do when filled with the euphoria of the birth.
Other than that it is just flim flam. Like Valentines day.

I do hate being told the moments that are supposed to be precious. Life is not a made for tv movie.

sparkle101 Fri 01-Feb-13 18:14:55

My dh wanted to cut the cord, it was in my birth plan however the nurse did it. He was fine and I was fine.

He has an amazing relationship with her and she loves him so much, don't place too much emphasis on what will only be a minuscule part of his relationship with his child. There are loads and loads and loads other things to do and be part of. It doesn't change anything.

ShadyLadyT Fri 01-Feb-13 18:15:27

OP - try not to get too hung up on this. It's just one of those things smile

To those who have been a little more robust on the thread - she's just had a baby, it's so easy to get things out of perspective post partum, don't you think?

ratspeaker Fri 01-Feb-13 18:16:56

OP
as a mother of 4 whose DH never got to cut the cord at any birth can I advise you not to focus on one small moment, there will be days months and years of special moments ahead of you your partner and your baby.
It doesn't mean my DH loved any of our kids less

Absoluteeightiesgirl Fri 01-Feb-13 18:19:05

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things

Bottleoffish Fri 01-Feb-13 18:20:15

Shit like this pisses me off. As though medical professionals haven't got better stuff to do.

I believe its also quite important to cut the cord quite quickly.

Actually it can be beneficial to delay clamping and cutting the cord.

Of course health professionals are busy, but that doesn't mean parent's wishes shouldn't be taken into account, does it? The midwife did say she would ask later, if it wasn't likely to be possible she should have said she needed a decision then and there. It takes two seconds to ask if the DH/DP wants to cut the cord. The midwife presumably forgot and these things happen, but it obviously seems very important to the OP right now so soon after the birth. Later on she'll probably wonder what she was upset about.

BartletForTeamGB Fri 01-Feb-13 18:26:02

The fact that a doctor delivered your baby suggests that things were not completely normal, as they just don't attend normal uncomplicated deliveries. My guess is that you are sad that things weren't as uncomplicated or easy as we all hope they are going to be, and are focusing on this small aspect in response to this. Your hospital might do a Birth Afterthoughts thing to talk about your baby's delivery which you and your partner might find helpful if this continues to prey on your mind.

Naysa Fri 01-Feb-13 18:27:36

It can't be that important if he didn't even want to do it in the first place hmm

treas Fri 01-Feb-13 18:32:06

YABU - try being more decisive in future

How long were you going to give him to decide with the baby dangling?

DH didn't want to do it, he looked like he'd run a mile if someone gave him the scissors grin

"It was written in my notes that he didn't want to cut it."

Why on earth is this the thing uppermost in your mind just now? Was it important to you? Is he whinging about it? Just - why?

Bottleoffish Fri 01-Feb-13 18:34:28

Ah, missed that bit in the OP, as they mention a doctor and a nurse, not a midwife, maybe the OP is not in the UK?

Heavywheezing Fri 01-Feb-13 18:35:37

I was going to bring up the dr bit rather than a midwife.

My mum gave me a bit of advise regarding the birth of my second son. I was neglected By the mw after the birth of my son by c section.

She said that you can either complain or just move on with your life. I choose to do the later.

I never think about it much now and I'm not bitter.

Enjoy your baby, don't worry about things like cutting the cord.

Fakebook Fri 01-Feb-13 18:39:22

Your notes said he didn't want to cut it. He was asked during labour if he wanted to cut it and didn't give a succinct answer. Labour and birth was about you and the baby, not your partner. He had a chance to say yes and he didn't. So for that reason YABU.

Whoknowswhocares Fri 01-Feb-13 18:39:32

Oh it's easy enough for him to be 'disappointed' now its too late to have to get his hands dirty.

He had the nine months you were pregnant to decide. Plus the labour. A second query from midwife and he still 'didnt know' (yeah right, he just felt awkward saying no probably, so hedged his answer) If he were that bothered at the last minute he could have piped up and asked the doctor couldn't he?

A special moment taken away? Don't make me laugh! The special moment was the safe delivery of your child, not the holding of the scissors!

CocktailQueen Fri 01-Feb-13 18:40:04

'It was written in my notes that he didn't want to cut it.'

Is this a typo??

I think YABU. Let's focus on the positive - ie your new baby. And your dh had the whole labour to enjoy hmm and the actual birth of your baby. If the mw had asked him and he was dithering, then fair enough that she forgot to ask again. get over it!!!

purpleloosestrife Fri 01-Feb-13 18:40:49

Oh OP - when you realise that something has been taken away that can NEVER come back, it is normal to feel a loss. However, please don't worry - as other posters have mentioned, there will be hundreds plenty of moments in your shared lives now that will be amazing experiences.

Also, your DP had reservations about doing it - who is to say that the actual act of trying to cut through a gristle cord might not have spoiled the moment for you both.

Just make sure you cherish these first few precious weeks - don't waste them on regretting this - enjoy the here and the now. You will never get this time again with your precious baby.

Boomerwang Fri 01-Feb-13 18:41:04

YABU. It wasn't clear from the outset nor close to the delivery of the baby what your OH wanted to do.

DoItToJulia Fri 01-Feb-13 18:41:45

shadylady on the money.

The OP is 3 weeks post partum, geez. Sometimes I wonder if mumsnet is for real.

1991all Fri 01-Feb-13 18:44:31

move on
seriously, just concentrate on your beautiful baby

DragonMamma Fri 01-Feb-13 18:44:56

YABU

As far as I can tell, at no point did he ever agree to cutting the cord so why on earth would you expect them to keep asking. If he was that bothered at the time he should have spoken up when he saw the cord being clamped.

Let it go. It's not really a big thing at all. I'm not even sure who cut my DC2's, possible my dh or dm but really, if they did they hardly feel wistful about it or probably ever think about it.

TraineeBabyCatcher Fri 01-Feb-13 18:45:46

How was the doctor, who will have read your notes 'stating partner does not want to cut the cord', meant to know that your partner actually maybe wanted to cut it after all.

captainmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 18:51:22

I had 3 Caesareans. it was not a option to cut the cord by anyone other than the surgeon. My DH was not even in the theatre with my 1st.

My 3 boys are absolutely wonderful and have a full and fantastic relationship with both of us.

the whole point is to get the child out of you and into your arms/onto the breast.

exoticfruits Fri 01-Feb-13 18:52:29

Good grief-who cares!
First he said that he didn't want to and then he didn't know-you could easily be upset because they forced him into it!
Concentrate on the baby and not trivialities.

Pancakeflipper Fri 01-Feb-13 18:52:56

OP, dont worry about the cord. There will be so many firsts and so many opportunities that come along to bond that honestly in a years time it will be an "oh well never mind" if you remember it.

Are you ok - is it your first baby? Hope baby is doing some sleeping. If at any point post-pregnancy you are feeling a little lost and bewildered there's help on this site. In other sections.

I think YABU just because he had already twice declined.
You say a DR cut it - so they wouldn't have even been aware that he was waiting to be asked again?
If it's important to YOU then I would be more pissed off with my OH for not saying yes in the first place and instead dilly dallying

I think some other people here are also being unreasonable....yes some women have been through a hell of a lot worse, but that doesn't mean OP cannot get upset about personal things to her...

SwedishEdith Fri 01-Feb-13 18:57:50

Ha ha ha ha at this OP - good one grin. Oh, I needed light relief after the horror of Coldplay winning the 6Music Top 100

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 01-Feb-13 18:59:38

Yabu.

Your notes are a record of what YOU want to happen during labor they are intended to convey your wishes not anybody else who does not happen to be in labor.

If its in your notes that you don't want that happening then tough shit if he decides he does, if you have no issue with him changing his mind and doing it you should have written "please ask DH if he wishes to cut cord when its time"

KC225 Fri 01-Feb-13 19:00:43

I agree with Pancake. 3 weeks in broken sleep and everything new. If this has become a big thing and you feel you cannot let it go then maybe you should talk to someone, have you spoken to GP or Health Visitor.

captainmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 19:02:00

Wait til you see her first smile - then the lack of scissor action willl fade into mist.

turningvioletviolet Fri 01-Feb-13 19:05:24

Dh didn't cut any of our 3 dcs cords; in fact he didn't even manage to turn up for the birth of dc3. They all seem to like each other well enough now.

ImperialBlether Fri 01-Feb-13 19:09:15

<Trying desperately to remember who cut my children's cords. I wish I knew whether I should be upset.>

Bowlersarm Fri 01-Feb-13 19:12:11

Really you must know YABU. In the greater scheme of things how does that matter? You have a beautiful baby. It's a first world problem, and you are negating the excellent midwife care you had, aren't you?

turningvioletviolet Fri 01-Feb-13 19:16:58

I almost feel like I should have sat up, legs akimbo with newborn dc between them and grabbed the scissors from the midwife so that I could have experienced that amazing feeling of cutting the cord. Seriously, 16 years and 3 dcs later, just the fact that we've managed to keep them alive is a far bigger achievement than cutting a cord. It really won't matter a jot in a couple of weeks.

gwenniebee Fri 01-Feb-13 19:17:06

It was written in your notes that he didn't want to! It is, as they say, a "non issue".

FWIW my dh hadn't decided either, and the mw encouraged him to. I can't believe he really remembers it or thought that much of it - and dd is only 6 months so it wasn't that long ago. The health and wellbeing of the baby (and me) was and is more important.

BinarySolo Fri 01-Feb-13 19:19:25

Cut the op some slack. I'm guessing this is your first child and so the birth is a massive thing and still pretty recent. In the months and years to come you'll realise it doesn't matter, but so soon after the birth I think it's quite normal to run over things that you weren't quite happy about. Just don't let it spoil the enjoyment of having a gorgeous new baby.

funnymum71 Fri 01-Feb-13 19:21:43

Oh heck. 3 week old baby + sleep deprived mum & Dad = non problem.

You have a healthy new baby and a million special moments to come. Park this up and move on before you let it spoil it for you anymore.

exoticfruits Fri 01-Feb-13 19:22:54

Try telling your teenage DC that you were upset their father didn't cut the cord and they will look at you as if you are nuts!

Yabu. Totally Ridiculous!

How could it ruin a special moment when you had been adamant he did not want to cut it? Dont make problems out of nothing.

exoticfruits Fri 01-Feb-13 19:24:10

It all goes to prove that you don't need birth plans and it is much better to go with the flow. It beats me how anyone who hasn't had a baby before has a clue what they want beforehand!

NatashaBee Fri 01-Feb-13 19:25:00

YABU. Your partner should have made it clear to the nurse that that was what he wanted to do. Get him to chop through a piece of bacon with a pair of scissors. According to DH, it's basically the same...

Was the birth OK in general? it sounds like it might have been complicated if a doctor was there. You can request a 'birth reflections' meeting with someone from the hospital who can walk you through your notes, if that would help you feel better.

Dahlialover Fri 01-Feb-13 19:25:21

There were a lot of moments that did not go to plan or as expected with DS1 and the midwife was not brilliant. I would have liked him delivered onto my tummy, as was the fashion then but it didn't happen. This may have been becaused I was lying on my side and haemorraging.

I do have a lovely memory of DH sitting next to me with DS1 in his arms, chatting away to him, whilst I was being stitched up. I didn't know he had it in him! I had to ask him to turn him round so I could see him too smile

Have a think together and see if you can remember the unplanned moments, whilst it is still fresh in your mind.

You are allowed to be a bit unreasonable and cross about the other too.

Bogeyface Fri 01-Feb-13 19:32:00

The fact that he changed his mind obviously didnt get to the doctor. If you had written that he would decide at the time, then there is a chance that he would have been asked but....

a birth plan is just that, a PLAN.

I planned for a homebirth with 5 out of my 6 children. 4 were in hospital and 3 of those were inductions. Only the last one was at home and even that didnt go "to plan",

The only outcome of a birth that is important is a healthy baby and a healthy mother, and they can't be guaranteed. Everything else is nice but not a priority.

I agree that a "de-brief" might be good if you are feeling a bit let down. Birth is a huge event that imo is underplayed. I got PSTD after my 3rd birth and was told I was over reacting. But bringing a new life into the world is a massive thing, even if it all goes well and talking it through really helped. Perhaps you are focussing on that aspect because the whole thing was traumatic and you dont want to think about that. Talk to your HV about it and see if there is any post birth support you can access to talk it through.

Bogeyface Fri 01-Feb-13 19:32:30

Or even PTSD!

oldebaglady Fri 01-Feb-13 19:34:54

OP he didn't miss out on doing something that all other dads do because it's quite out of fashion now, delayed clamping etc is more the thing!

IMO it was a strange custom brought in when men first started being allowed in the labour room and were totally un-prepared and a bit useless and this gave them a purpose! However men are now much more involved in the whole thing and more informed and help with hypnobirthing etc all through the labour, so having that one "purpose" at the end isn't necessary any more IYKWIM

Anyway, my OH has never cut either of our children's cords, we actually wanted delayed claming but couldn't have it, we are gutted about that but we're gutted because our kids missed out on the health benefits of it, although we do understand the reasons why it didn't happen in either case

my point is, its not something that all, or maybe even most dads do these days anyhow!

Bogeyface Fri 01-Feb-13 19:38:00

I cut the cord with number 6, it felt important to me that I break the bond between her and me, not him, he hadnt carried her for 9 months! Again, this was something I wanted to do with the others but circumstances meant I couldnt.

cansu Fri 01-Feb-13 19:39:19

FFs are you serious? I have never posted something like that but I am seriously gob smacked that you would post something so ridiculous. You have healthy baby. Get over it.

PuffPants Fri 01-Feb-13 19:40:23

Can somebody tell me why fathers are asked if they want to cut the cord? I don't get it. Is it some sort of patriarchal severing of apron strings or something? Why do people make such a big deal out if it? Does the father really need a little job to make him feel involved in the birth of his child? I don't like it. The mother does all the work then the spectator swoops in at the end to take charge?

FWIW my DH had no desire to do it but, trust me, after 36 hrs in labour he felt involved enough wink

pigletmania Fri 01-Feb-13 19:43:06

Yabvu he did not sound too keen on it, who cares you have a well baby in your arms

DieDeutschLehrerin Fri 01-Feb-13 19:43:40

My DS will be 1 tomorrow but I so clearly remember being in your place and the things that played on my mind in the weeks following his birth.

He is my first and the labour & birth was a massive deal. The birth had its moments - it was a ventouse delivery resulting in a 3c tear and an hour in surgery being stitched afterwards. I spent the first hour after DSs birth making small talk with the theatre nurses, with my legs akimbo & aloft, trying not to let the reflection of my battered bits in the theatre light catch my eye instead of indulging in a spot of much fabled newborn head sniffing. So there were things which my brain needed to process despite the fact that I was healthy, DS was very healthy and DH did not faint or vomit - woo!
But one thing I found, is that with babies, things move fast and change fast and you won't be focused on the same things you are now in three weeks time and by the time you're sat in my seat in 11 months you won't remember the last time it bothered you.
Your reaction is understandable but don't spend any more time worrying about worrying - your concerns will fade.
Congratulations - I'm very jealous! smile

PuffPants Fri 01-Feb-13 19:44:01

Btw, at our NCT class, we split into two groups, men and women, for one session. DH said that in his group when they were asked about cord cutting, not one of the dads wanted to do it but they all admitted they felt a bit obliged because it's expected.

oldebaglady Fri 01-Feb-13 19:44:07

I'm sure the OP is very glad that her baby is healthy

you can appreciate having a healthy baby AND be troubled by circumstances around the birth - the two are not mutually exclusive!

PuffPants Fri 01-Feb-13 19:45:49

Those whose partners cut the cord, can you explain what made it special? I would honestly like to know.

oldebaglady Fri 01-Feb-13 19:47:56

puffpants I think nowadays men know what to expect a little bit more, and are more involved in helping through the whole labour with the tens or massage or filling the pool etc, with many having attended antenatal classes or at least watched OBEM and had a bit of a chat with their partner about their role

but when men first started going in, I think they went in "blind" and felt very helpless and useless and shell shocked, so a "job" for them was invented! and that's why men are asked to cut the cord

tomatoplantproject Fri 01-Feb-13 19:48:04

It was important I have a natural water birth in a midwife led centre and I had it written in my notes. I even told the midwives that's what I wanted. I had an emergency c-section. Shit happens. I am incredibly eternally grateful and feel very blessed that we have a healthy baby. 12 weeks on I couldn't give a flying fuck how she got here. My dh didn't get to cut the umbilical cord either... You need to count your blessings

Kaekae Fri 01-Feb-13 19:54:05

My DP didn't get to cut our sons cord as I had an emergency csection and they said they didn't allow partners to cut it. I never think about it. But I kind of understand where you are coming from because I long for photos of the happy moment after the birth with dp, me and our new baby, but my mother had the camera resolution setting all wrong and they came out VERY poor quality. sad I think about that a lot.

dearcathyandclare Fri 01-Feb-13 19:56:31

ScouseBrow, congratulations on becoming a new family. This tiny detail will fade quite quickly so just let it go and instead focus on the scents, sensations and joy of this unique time. My dd1is fully grown up now but I can still recall how intensely you share these first few weeks. Enjoy, if you can.

oldebaglady Fri 01-Feb-13 19:57:17

in the days before they were in the labour room, they were sent away to boil water and get towels to stop them hovering around the door asking what was going on! wink

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 01-Feb-13 19:59:18

I absolutely promise you that not very far from now this will not seem like a big deal. I know this sounds patronising, but when your baby is little every detail seems important (because DS was prem I knew down the last minute how much weight he put every day, how often and for how long he fed and slept). As they get older, this is less important - in fact, I can't really remember when DS got his first teeth, for example.

The important thing is that you have a healthy happy baby, you are OK and your partner got to be there to support you and welcome your baby into the world

PessaryPam Fri 01-Feb-13 20:00:09

Oh FFS actually bringing up the child will make this pale into the insignificance it deserves. It's a trivial thing compared against the commitment necessary to bring up a child.

Bogeyface Fri 01-Feb-13 20:03:55

Thats harsh Pam

The baby is three weeks and if a doctor delivered it then it was a difficult birth. I agree that it will pale over time but at the moment the OP is upset by it and being nasty isnt going to help her is it?

OP you might want to ask MNHQ to move this for you to one of the post birth boards/threads would be good?

My husband would have rather cut his hand off than cut the cord. He looked horrified when I asked him (when doing birth plan) if he wanted to!

I think you're upset because you've got a 3 week old, who has completely turned your world upside down there will be so many more precious moments to enjoy that you won't care about this. Try not to let it get to you both & enjoy your new baby.

Shortbutsosweet Fri 01-Feb-13 20:05:31

I don't think yabu you are three weeks post delivery and hormones are all over the place. But, its not that important don't stress about it.

feministefatale Fri 01-Feb-13 20:16:23

yabu

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 01-Feb-13 20:20:43

Ha MrsHelsBels, my husband was exactly the same ("why would I want to do that? Midwives are trained, I'm not. And it will be gross")

dangly131 Fri 01-Feb-13 20:23:47

I don't particularly understand what is special, I am not criticising other's choice to cut the cord, if they so wish it is up to them. However, i just don't get it....

NumericalMum Fri 01-Feb-13 20:33:01

yAbu but then you have a very good excuse. 3 weeks post birth I was unable to have a sensible thought and burst into tears constantly. My DH didn't cut the cord as I ended up with a ventouse delivery and they wouldn't let him do it. I was gutted I had failed as a mum, ended up with PND and generally hated myself. Nearly 5 years later I realise I was focusing on the wrong things but with no sleep and a lot of "advice" I wasn't really myself!

honeytea Fri 01-Feb-13 20:33:23

Yabu it was a very strange moment when dp cut ds's cord, tge baby was on my tummy with his legs towards my head, they put tge clamp with the cut cord between ds's legs and in my post birth drug confused state I thought dp had cut ds's penis off, I kept saying omg yiu cut his Willy off!! I had to check it was still attached myself.

Maybe your dp could do your baby's first toe nail cut to make up for it?

MummyPig24 Fri 01-Feb-13 20:47:20

Haven't read whole thread, apologies. I didn't write a birth plan but mw asked dp if he wanted to cut dds cord, he said he wasn't sure and she said she would ask at delivery. However, dd came out with her arm up by her face and the cord wrapped tightly round her neck twice, so mw had to cut it. Tbh it didn't really matter and dp doesn't feel he missed out.

EugenesAxe Sat 02-Feb-13 00:48:48

Go to a butcher and ask for a... I dunno, maybe a sheep trachea and cut through that. I reckon it would be similar. It wasn't really a zen moment for me or my DH, more one of interest about how tough it is.

There have been some rather blunt comments on here that nevertheless say 'this is a small disappointment compared to many worse potential outcomes, so get over it.'

aww, your baby is only 3 weeks old & your hormones are all over the place.

in the grand scheme of things, it's really not a big deal- it just seems like it at the moment.

cheer yourself up with the thought that at least your DP got to witness the birth- i gave birth to my DD in the back of an ambulance (and gouged the poor paramedic's hand with my vice-like grip grin )as DH was waiting at home for BIL to collect DS- it really doesn't matter so long as mum & baby are ok.

Catchingmockingbirds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:23:52

Yabu, he said he didn't want to do it. Who is more upset about it now, him or you?

If the doctor delivered your baby I'm assuming it wasn't a straightforward labour? I'm sure there were far more pressing things for the doctor to worry about than 'does the partner maybe want a 3rd chance to change his mind about the cord cutting'

McNewPants2013 Sat 02-Feb-13 04:30:00

Op are you ok

Trazzletoes Sat 02-Feb-13 05:24:18

Perhaps your DP needs to learn from this to be more vocal if he changes his mind about something.

as others have said, really this is such a small detail in the grand scheme of things. But then again, my DH was adamant he was going nowhere near any cord!

Longdistance Sat 02-Feb-13 05:41:04

He was given two opportunities to cut thecord. Once on birth plan which said no, and he wasn't sure the time the mw asked at the time.

Doctors and mw's don't have time for dithering. If you plan to have another dc then get your dh to cut that.

Yabu. You have a healthy baby, and you should count your lucky stars.

It's not that bad.

I hope you are well in yourself?

FellatioNels0n Sat 02-Feb-13 05:47:11

I despair sometimes, I really do. The more touchy-feely we encourage society to get, the more some of us need bloody therapy for narcissistic, first-world non-problems.

dylsmimi Sat 02-Feb-13 07:11:50

Op - congratulations on your baby.
hope you are ok as i think some posters are being a bit harsh. Generally though I think what people are trying to say is please try not to focus and build this one thing up. It's not that long ago that dads stood outside smoking pipes to come in to a newborn all clean & swaddled. I hope you & Dh can look back at the support he gave & how special it was just to be there. If your Dh or you feel its affecting your bond with the baby you may need to speak to someone.
Fwiw my Dh couldn't cut the cord with Ds1 as he was ventouse & straight onto the ressus trolley. He did with Ds2 but hasn't really mentioned it since and loves them both the same.
There will be so many more moments to have - much more special - your very first smile will only be a few weeks away now smile
Hope you haven't replied as you are catching up on sleep ( we can hope!) And if not both you & Dh give your beautiful baby a cuddle - Thats a special moment smile
Take care

dylsmimi Sat 02-Feb-13 07:14:17

Sorry just realised its your dp - didnt mean to marry you off!

Splatt34 Sat 02-Feb-13 07:35:40

The fact that a doctor not a midwife was delivering your baby means it wasn't straightforward. Be grateful for the fact DC is healthy & move on

seeker Sat 02-Feb-13 07:47:24

Just wanted to pick up on this-

"I believe its also quite important to cut the cord quite quickly. Not a time to discuss it."

It isn't. If there aren't any problems then many people think it's good to wait, at least until the cord stops pulsing before cutting it. I don't know whether it's actually beneficial, but it certainly isn't in any way necessary to cut it quickly.

BrianButterfield Sat 02-Feb-13 07:55:11

DH wasn't allowed to do DS's for some reason (she did say but I was so not paying attention!) and we both felt "oh! Well, never mind," about it. You're allowed to feel a bit miffed that everything didn't go to plan but then you should try to get over it. The whole birth experience fades OK into a haze anyway IMO.

The staff on labour wards are so busy and an attending doctor most likely had time to glance at your notes, do what needed to be done and then get to the woman in the next room, then the next.... There will be lots of other special firsts he can have with your baby.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 08:05:44

he was offerered but dithered and declined.in notes as dad didn't want to cut cord
go eat some quinoa,muse about the wonders of birth and hopefully his disappointment subside
if dr delivered was there some concerns if not a mw delivery?don't dwell move on

DreamingOfTheMaldives Sat 02-Feb-13 08:17:32

Really no need for the brain damaged baby comment. That's just plain nasty.

OP, it's a shame he didn't get to do it but he'd said no, then he wasn't sure so it's hardly surprising the doc forgot and did it himself. Just try to forgot about it and both of you enjoy your gorgeous new baby.

EmmaBemma Sat 02-Feb-13 08:23:51

I watched a very enlightening programme on TV a few months ago called "Four Born Every Second". It was about the very high rates of maternal and infant mortality in childbirth in places like Sierra Leone and Cambodia. One mother's uterus ruptured in childbirth, several hours drive away from the hospital. By the time she made it there, the baby had died long before and shortly afterwards she died too. Sadly, this wa an all too common occurrence.

It certainly put the demands we make upon our own healthcare professionals in this country in perspective. We take our right to give birth in a clean, safe environment for granted and now birth has to be an "experience" too, and everything has to be perfect.

5madthings Sat 02-Feb-13 08:24:24

Oh dear some harsh replies.

Its one of those things op and wont matter in years to come.

Also re comments on cutting/delayed clamping it is beneficial to wait for the cord to stop pulsating before clamping and cutting. The baby gets all.its blood volume and white bloid cells. In those transition moments after birth its a lifeline it provides the baby with oxygen.

They have special resus tables and equipment they can use (in some hospitals) so that they can leave the cord unclamped if a baby needs help ie resus. In this situarion the oxygen the baby gets via cord is massively importsnt and there is lots if research now to show that in premature babies it gives them a chance at a better long term.outcome if they dont clamp the cord immediately.

Anyway congrats on your new baby op xx

I'm putting it bluntly. YABVU

I WISH I had actually HAD a partner that even bothered to turn up. Let alone cut her cord.
My baby was a little early and delivery got complicated. They wanted her out and to be checked so I didn't give a flying flip about a cord. I wanted my baby to be okay!

MammaTJ Sat 02-Feb-13 09:19:19

I had an EMCS to get my DD out. She was then very poorly, we nearly lost her.

When DS was born it was EMCS under GA, we nearly lost both of us.

Be glad that your DP not cutting the cord is all you have to worry about, it was the furthest thing from our minds.

YABVVU

PessaryPam Sat 02-Feb-13 09:37:45

I can't believe that so many here are actually encouraging this lunacy.

TaggieCampbellBlack Sat 02-Feb-13 09:48:38

1. Congratulations.

2. What sort of birthwas it? Your mention of a doctor doing the deliverig makes e suspect it wasn't normal and straihtforward. So in cases like that the doc usually cuts cord and baby gets handed to a paediatrician for checking. (the benefits of leaving the cord intact haven't reached most doctors yet).

3. I highly recommend an afternoon nap every day.

thesnootyfox Sat 02-Feb-13 09:55:28

Dh can't even remember if he cut the umblical cords of our children. Its all a blur. Don't dwell on it.

Shutupanddrive Sat 02-Feb-13 10:53:25

Yabu

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