to think my sons girlfriend is ungrateful?

(144 Posts)
MascaraLipstick Fri 01-Feb-13 16:54:54

I have three children, the oldest is 22. He dated his girlfriend for about a year when she fell pregnant.

This was very much a planned pregnancy which in a way I felt sad about. I didn't quite understand the urgent need for them to have a baby when they are at a point in their lives when they should be buying a house together, or going on holidays etc

It was an opinion I kept to myself however. We said they were moving out and renting, me and my oh told them they can stay at home and therefore save up for a deposit. They decided to live at home and save.

My son earns quite well for someone his age and we asked that they pay £120 over all a month.

The baby is now here and currently 7mo, she is an absolute delight and it's been lovely getting to see her everyday. My son is working full time, and his girlfriend is a sahm.

My second son has his girlfriend over to stay most nights now. So altogether there are 8 people living in 4 bedrooms, it getting very crowded now and more expensive.

Me and my oh discussed it and asked both our sons to now start paying £150 instead. They both agreed.

The other day I was making myself a tea and his girlfriend had a friend over and I could hear them chatting (I don't think she knew I'd come home early) and she was talking about me and oh saying "they are so unreasonable, they said we could live here so we can afford a deposit and how the hell are we suppose to be that now they've increased the rent?"

I feel upset after hearing that, we didn't increase the rent to be spiteful and we only added an extra £30, and paying £150 a month for 3 people living here is less than what they would probably be paying if they were renting.

If they would prefer to move out then they could and there would be no ill feeling towards either of them. We bought her a brand new pushchair and cot too before the baby was born and I just feel she is being so ungrateful.

Waferthinmint Fri 01-Feb-13 16:58:42

You sound like a lovely mum.
No advice though

Mollydoggerson Fri 01-Feb-13 17:02:45

yanbu.

I think your options are:

Say nothing and chalk it down to gf's immaturity.
Discuss your feelings with your ds.

GF sounds like an entitled little madam.

allnewtaketwo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:03:35

She sounds like a spoiled entitled little madam. If she wants to save so hard for a deposit then maybe she should get a job instead of sitting around your home drinking tea and slagging you off to her mates. I'd be furious

Sallyingforth Fri 01-Feb-13 17:05:18

£150 a month is nothing! It's a fraction of what they would be paying to rent, plus council tax, utilities etc.
You are running a boarding house, and should be charging accordingly.

Mia4 Fri 01-Feb-13 17:07:55

She is ungrateful, she's fucking lucky to have someone to help her with that-i''m sure there's a lot of people, myself included, that would kill not to have to pay as much in order to save. After all it's only £30 which would be very reasonable towards helping you both out and won't pinch them so much. If she really doesn't like it, she can move out and try actually having to pay real rent, real Council tax and bills.

Since the baby was planned as well and they wanted to save up for a deposit, they should have thought a bit more sensibly then having a baby right away. Whatever their reasoning, the choice was theirs and your son's gf should consider herself lucky she hasn't had to go bac to work to make ends meet paying a larger amount of rent.

She sounds like my sister: entitled brat. Hence why I'm annoyed for you.

I'd talk to your son, just mention what you overheard and that it's not nice to hear yourself spoke of so negatively when you are doing them a favor. Then see what he says. Chances are she's the entitled one and he'll be horrified but in case he's starting to get ideas too it's best to tackle. But with him, not her.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 17:08:15

She was just sounding off to her mate. We all do it.

It must be difficult for her living in your house.I think they should look for somewhere to rent ASAP.

You do sound lovely though.

magimedi Fri 01-Feb-13 17:08:38

YANBU

And I would be thinking about a time frame for this situation. Do you want them all with you indefinitely?

firesidechat Fri 01-Feb-13 17:09:11

Yes she is ungrateful.

I don't know where you live but fairly sure that it would cost them many times that to rent somewhere, pay the bills and feed themselves.

She probably said it through ignorance if she has never rented but that doesn't make it ok.

singingsoprano Fri 01-Feb-13 17:10:30

YANBU! We have eldest dd and her husband and ds now both back living at home;the house feels very full, and they cost a fortune smile. Ds son does not pay rent, as he is at college, and dd and husband pay £120 per month. We are finding it very difficult as it leads to more work for me and dh and certainly dd seems to take things for granted!
However, they probably do need to live here to save rent. It's tricky.

HollyBerryBush Fri 01-Feb-13 17:10:47

Have you discussed it with your son?

TBH you sound very reasonable and placid - I would be for a family conference along the lines of - this is the council tax bill, this is the house insurance, this is the water, gas, electric and so forth - and this is why we are asking you to pay £150 per couple (per couple???) which is a grand total of £18.75 per person per week. If you feel you can find somewhere to live for that pack your bags and leave your keys on the table then let me know because I'll move in (Making a joke of it)

Adversecamber Fri 01-Feb-13 17:10:54

Take no notice, how ungrateful, what does the 150 cover? Just so I can feel total outrage on your behalf.

You are wonderful btw.

ModernToss Fri 01-Feb-13 17:11:10

Very ungrateful indeed. You are saving them a fortune, at considerable inconvenience to yourselves.

Have a word with your son.

manicbmc Fri 01-Feb-13 17:12:47

They'd be paying at least that amount in rent alone, a week, if they moved out.

She is ungrateful and naive.

MascaraLipstick Fri 01-Feb-13 17:13:16

It must be difficult for her living in your house

Maybe. But it was her decision to make, we offered them the choice.

If they had wanted to live with her parents or rented I would have supported them.

BegoniaBampot Fri 01-Feb-13 17:13:32

She might be spoilt and entitled but you weren't meant to hear, unfortunate that you did. If she was being sarky to your face about it and unpleasant that would be different but yes, she is being unrealistic and immature in her thinking.

Pandemoniaa Fri 01-Feb-13 17:14:27

I suspect she was just sounding off at her friend too although yes, £150 is nothing when compared to the cost of renting privately. However, I think you really need to sit down with your ds and his gf and work out a longer term plan. Are they saving to buy, for example? Or saving for a deposit to rent? If you know what they are aiming to do and when perhaps it'd be easier to help them achieve this. It can't be easy living with parents so I'd do my best to help them get their own place. If it meant that the rent had to be reduced for a specific period (and provided you can afford it) would this be an option?

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Fri 01-Feb-13 17:14:49

I paid more then that 12 years ago when I lived at home, it was also a quarter of my salary (so out all day!)and it was just me!!!!
Your doing them a massive favour.
I'd put it down to immaturity but maybe let it be known how much the bills really are.

digerd Fri 01-Feb-13 17:14:54

Does she help with the household chores, do their washing and ironing, food shopping and cooking?

Ha ha - where the fuck can a family of 3 live for £150 a month hmm

Stroll on. Life is going to come as a teensy shock to that little madam.

CabbageLeaves Fri 01-Feb-13 17:15:21

I think this will fester which would be a huge shame for you all. Try to talk to her (not him, much better to do it face to face) and explain how upset you felt. Explain about your costs. Let her come to a conclusion about her behaviour and attitude.

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 01-Feb-13 17:16:14

You do sound lovely Op.
I hope she's not one of those entitled DILs that comes on here, saying MIL is BU. grin.
Maybe it is better for them to flee the nest, it sounds like she needs to learn how to be an adult, and they would both learn to handle their own finances and live in the real world.

allnewtaketwo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:16:27

Yes exactly OP. If they think they are mature enough to have a baby then they should be mature enough to realise what the consequences are. You have made it very very easy for them. Difficult for her my arse. Being a SAHM in someone elses home who is subsiding toy to sit in your ass instead of earning a deposit. Yes difficult indeed hmm

Booyhoo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:16:29

i'm not sure if she's looked at rental prices lately but she is getting a bloody good deal!

when i had my son my mum charged £60 a week for me and him to live there and that was over 7 years ago.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 01-Feb-13 17:16:42

Seems fair rent to me!

Do feel sorry for you.

Viviennemary Fri 01-Feb-13 17:17:02

They sound very ungrateful. Perhaps you should suggest they should have a spell at her mother's where the rent might suit better. You are right to be enraged. What an attitude.

CooEeeEldridge Fri 01-Feb-13 17:17:03

Sounds v ungrateful! But, has she ever lived independently before??? Heard a few friends say things like this when on a cushy number with parents, how their attitude changed when they moved out!!! I'd out it down to immaturity, and in 5 years time when they're (hopefully out) likely paying at least 5x that on mortgage remind her of her comments!!!

HollyBerryBush Fri 01-Feb-13 17:17:08

Out of curiosity, you say she is a SAHM - not on maternity leave then? Does she have any money coming in to the house deposit they are saving for?

Booyhoo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:17:25

i hope she's telling her friend teh right figures and that her friends tells her to catch herself on and see how lucky she is.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 17:17:35

I think they need to move out asap.

For all your sakes.

I presume this young woman lived with her parents before moving in with you? Because if she had ever been responsible for herself, she would have known that £150 is absolutely nothing compared to the bills she will have to pay when they eventually get their own place!

Since your GC is now 7 months, I'm guessing they've been living with you for at least a year now. What is their timescale, when do they plan to have saved up enough to move out?

VestaCurry Fri 01-Feb-13 17:20:26

I suspect her friend may have thought she was being ridiculous.

I'd be tempted to have a quiet, non-confrontational word with your ds about it, tell him what you heard and why they need to make the frankly minimal contribution you are asking. If they weren't living with you, would your son's partner be able to be a sahm? I imagine you are helping them in more ways than one.

MascaraLipstick Fri 01-Feb-13 17:20:36

Take no notice, how ungrateful, what does the 150 cover? Just so I can feel total outrage on your behalf.

Thank you, really nice of you to say.

The £150 covers everything - room/electric/heating etc, we do the weekly shop too.

The only thing we never contribute to is buying nappies.

HollyBerryBush Fri 01-Feb-13 17:21:02

I'm more along the lines of - when does she intend to get a job and stop leaching from everyone around her .

bringmeroses Fri 01-Feb-13 17:21:38

I guess in her situation every £ makes a difference but it's galling she is seemingly unappreciative of what you're doing for her and your DS; I'm surprised her friend didn't say she was onto a good thing even at £150; they'd be paying a whole heap more living independently. I'd gently ask what their plans are iro moving out. I expect she is just frustrated at not having a place of her own and blaming the rent increase is an easy target.
I would be really upset in your shoes. Maybe ask DS if they have any plans for moving out, if you can do this without it sounding like a hint!

elizaregina Fri 01-Feb-13 17:21:43

get them to start looking round at rents - they would be paying minimum grand here a month for a decentish place to rent. thats not including bills.

they are young however so i wouldnt go mad - they just need a reality check.

then i am 100% they will be very grateful for what you are offering.

chocoluvva Fri 01-Feb-13 17:22:51

I agree that it's a pity you overheard her (immature) remarks.

I wouldn't mention it to her or you DS - it's unlikely to be helpful.

Try not to dwell on it - she's very young.

MascaraLipstick Fri 01-Feb-13 17:23:13

Out of curiosity, you say she is a SAHM - not on maternity leave then? Does she have any money coming in to the house deposit they are saving for?

Sorry, don't want to drip feed. She used to work and is now gets her maternity leave paid for by the government, so unfortunately she doesn't get a lot. She doesn't have any plans to go back to work though.

allnewtaketwo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:25:37

What a gas. She wants to save for a deposit, at your expense, and doesn't want to have to work.

Sorry, but this "she's young" excuse doesn't wash for me

phantomhairpuller Fri 01-Feb-13 17:25:52

I agree with usual
YANBU, it can't have been nice to hear her say those things. But, having lived with IL's before we got married and thinking back to the number of things I slagged off MIL about and it makes me confusedblush
They need to move out ASAP for the sake of your relationships with each other.

£150 for room and board for 3 people? She should be thanking her lucky stars for such a fantastic deal - i suspect if you added up what it costs for you to keep them it would be an eye opener for her, not to mention the massive saving on rent!

Pandemoniaa Fri 01-Feb-13 17:29:21

The £150 covers everything - room/electric/heating etc, we do the weekly shop too.

This covers food too? That's an astonishingly good deal and, quite honestly, it's going to come as something of a shock to the system when they discover the real costs of living isn't it? So yes, if she thinks this is an unreasonable sum of money to pay out then she's clearly on another planet.

I still think that you need to make a firm plan for them to move out though. How much have they saved? How much do they need to save? When do they plan to convert these savings into accommodation? That sort of thing.

calypso2008 Fri 01-Feb-13 17:29:56

150 pounds is not rent! It is merely covering the bills/general living expenses, before you even put your key in a door.

Rent would be SO much more on top of this.

YADDDNBU!

Fairylea Fri 01-Feb-13 17:30:48

Oh. My. God.

So the ONLY thing they are buying beyond this meagre contribution of 150 a month is nappies !??

I am outraged. She is being immature and very very unreasonable.

I fear she has no idea whatsoever about budgets and how much it actually costs to run a house.

I hope she is helping with housework and laundry ?

elizaregina Fri 01-Feb-13 17:31:06

I am confused - you did invite them to stay op? You do enjoy unfettered access to a GC?

The downside is, you have over heard a rude - and un grateful comment by a young girl who simply has no persepective of what you are offering.

You need to get out a paper one day - " lets have a look at what renting would cost you, now, you need a month up front, maybe furniture - etc etc etc etc."

once the fear of god was put into her - once she realised all that, THEN i am sure she would be grateful. alot of these things come with experience - and to get experience you learn!

Bottleoffish Fri 01-Feb-13 17:32:32

I'm more along the lines of - when does she intend to get a job and stop leaching from everyone around her

Really? whilst I agree with the OP that her son's GF seems ungreatful for making a comment like the one she did, presumably her and the OP's son discussed having their (planned) baby and what would happen work wise afterwards... hmm

Booyhoo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:34:35

"I am confused - you did invite them to stay op? You do enjoy unfettered access to a GC? "

hmm so OP should be grateful? what is the point of your comment?

Mollydoggerson Fri 01-Feb-13 17:35:16

Mascara Lipstick, i know you are not asking this, but I'm going to stick my oar in anyway!

If you are being so supportive to ds1's family, do you think it's spoiling them all a little, and maybe giving a bad example to ds2. You hardly want another baby and gf moved into his room on the same terms?

I think it's time to start expecting them all to behave like adults.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 01-Feb-13 17:35:49

How long have you had this arrangement?

How does she intend to spend her time as a SAHM? If she's home all day everyday from now, you may end up intensely disliking each other. Might be worth chivvying them along out of the house & into their own?

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 17:36:20

I think it's the OPs DSs and his GFs business and decision if shes a SAHM or not.

So thats why I think they need to get their own place and live their own lives.

buying a house is not the be all and end all.

You are doing a lovely thing letting them live so cheaply, bit I fear it is causing resentment.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Feb-13 17:36:42

YANBU you have done loads for the couple. She was feeling hard done by and had a good moan to her friend but if she thought about it, she might realise how grabby she sounds. there again she might not. Hope your DS doesn't have a princess on his hands.

"Unfettered access" is one way of putting it!

noddyholder Fri 01-Feb-13 17:37:13

I don't think you should speak to your son. You should speak to her she is an adult and needs to feel teh consequence of this. What do her parents do?

allnewtaketwo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:38:13

It is their decision for her to be a SAHM, yes, funded by the OP hmm

That's the sort of decision I like, all of the upsides without any if the downsides. Cos adult life is like that, isn't it

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 17:39:48

The Op was happy for them to live there .

If they moved out, she would get the wake up call she needs.

I imagine that doesn't even cover their food.how about giving her £37.50 and tale her to buy a week's worth of food for themselves, then when it's not enough point out that £37.50 not only covers their food but gas,electric, broadband, etc?

Hesterton Fri 01-Feb-13 17:41:38

I think a gentle but honest word saying that you overheard the conversation and bringing the bills to the table (including food) so she can see just how much you are subsidising her is really important.

She needs to know the reality of it.

I hope she is at least a bit shame-faced and apologetic. If not, I would be tempted to suggest it's time for them to find somewhere to live independently now.

elizaregina Fri 01-Feb-13 17:42:13

Booyhoo,

That was more directed at the posters calling her a leach etc etc etc.

Op has of course been wonderful and kindly offered them this deal. £30 is nothing and wont stop them saving up.

However - this girl has a right to her private reactions - for all op knows - a few words of persepective from her partner - ops son - and the rest of the conversatin might have been...

" come on X - they are doing us a massive favour - £30 is nothing, it would be costing us a fortune if we rented .."

" Yes of course, your right - I know - they are doing us a wondeful favour -its just hard sometimes being here with your mum etc...she is lovley of course but i want our own place"

Maybe the converstoin eneded like that but op - didnt over hear that part?

HappyMummyOfOne Fri 01-Feb-13 17:42:56

I'd speak to her direct, she sounds like a spoilt madam used to getting everything she wants.

Show her an add for a rental saying you know she is unhappy with the rent increase so thought you would help her find somewhere quicker.

Shes going to have a shock when she has to stand on her own two feet, its one thing to help your own children but another to do it for their girlfriends/boyfriends.

elizaregina Fri 01-Feb-13 17:43:37

Hesterton I think thats a great idea.

ChunkyPickle Fri 01-Feb-13 17:44:23

We lived with inlaws for the best part of a year when DS was a baby, and we paid significantly more rent than that (although we had to fight to be allowed to, my MIL is as nice as you clearly are!).

Yes, she is being ungrateful - but like the others I'm guessing it's because she has no idea how much it actually costs to live on your own - 150/month is only half my council tax bill for a little 2 bedroom terrace!

They need to have some kind of exit strategy - we only planned to stay a couple of months, but a year flew by because we hadn't really thought through what our plan was.

Doshusallie Fri 01-Feb-13 17:45:24

I was paying £400 pounds a month rent when I was her age and that was 16 years ago. Feel free to point that out to her.

Lesbeadiva Fri 01-Feb-13 17:46:54

If they pay £150 a month and your DS earns a decent wage, saving up should not take to long surely? If they save most of it? YANBU btw, I think they are taking the mick. I know you offered, but she needs a reality check.

CarlingBlackMabel Fri 01-Feb-13 17:47:58

I would show them your household bills and shopping bills and demonstrate that actually you are seriously subsidising them.
Energy bills, council tax, insurance, food, if you just count the adults that is less than £20 a week each! I doubt they even conver the food bills, to be honest, especially as she is home for lunches etc.

I would tell her you overheard, ask if she really means it, and tell her you don't want them to think you are ripping them off so this is your weekly / monthly bills, and this is what it could cost if they had their own place.

She should be extremely embarrassed.

Poor you!

CabbageLeaves Fri 01-Feb-13 17:49:11

I agree with Hesterton's approach. She is an adult. Treat her like one. No passive aggressive behaviour. Assertive, respectful and honest.

Be gentle. I suspect she would rather be in her own place (but she can make that choice and rent if she feels that bad). Let her reflect on her behaviour. It was probably a throw away remark but she needs a reminder that she has choices. She's accepting your very generous offer and has hurt you with her behaviour.

andubelievedthat Fri 01-Feb-13 17:50:12

next life > you are going to be my mum ! i have booked you!(please)awful thing to say and for you to hear , assume she has no idea what the real world is all about ?proper little madam.!

WandaDoff Fri 01-Feb-13 17:51:31

Real life is going to come as a hell of a shock to this wee madam.

MajesticWhine Fri 01-Feb-13 17:54:49

It was effectively a private conversation, so I wouldn't be too cross with her. But agree with Hesterton / cabbageleaves - to have a word with her. If you are not able to clear the air, then you will feel resentful in your own house.

Nancy66 Fri 01-Feb-13 17:58:46

how close are they to having the deposit?

i think you need to all work towards ending this arrangement ASAP before there are bigger fallouts.

elizaregina Fri 01-Feb-13 17:59:21

Carling that is a great diplomatic way to come to it - you dont want to think YOU are ripping them off!!

show them receipts etc.

say you offered all this for her benefit - you thought they should still be able to save even with 30 pounds increase.

have a proper discussion.
Ask and discuss the way forward. Give her the opportunity to see what the bills are and apologise.

If she didnt apologise THEN - I wuold accuse her of all the things above. If she doesnt know - she just doesnt know.
Just please please dont take this comment to heart!

Yes I would call a family meeting. and round the table show all outgoings.

Mortgage, water, telephone, sky, insurance, food, poll tax, TV licence, elec, gas.
Everything - no mater how small.

Just so that they are aware of what is required to run a household.

Another who thinks the 'shes young' excuse is ridiculous. Do as somebody else mentioned and sit everybody down with all of the bills, and receipts for food and make it clear that they're getting a bloody good deal. I wish I had decent parents who I could stay with for more than a day sometimes. DP and I struggle to pay £640 for a sodding room a month. Wish it was £150 envy

ImperialBlether Fri 01-Feb-13 19:05:43

I want to move in!

Can I ask whether these four lovebirds do any cleaning? Or cook for you? Or help you unpack the shopping? Or buy you a bottle of wine for being lovely?

floweryblue Fri 01-Feb-13 19:36:14

When I started working, single/no DC/20 years ago, I can't remember how much I paid exactly but my mum had a huge part of my wages, a small amount she kept for 'keep', the rest to save for my deposit for a house.

What about a chat with your DS and GF along the lines of: exactly what do you earn, let's see what that will get you and leave you with each month after bills, OK so you're going to have to learn to manage on £x per week spare money when you get your own place, so why not let me take all the rest now, I'll keep £x to cover your 'keep' and the rest I'll save up for you, you should have enough for a deposit in x months.

If you really want to, you could offer free childcare so GF can also return to work, part time/temporarily if appropriate, so they will be able to get their own place quicker.

chocoluvva Fri 01-Feb-13 19:42:15

Is there any chance that she thinks you're very well off? That still wouldn't excuse her remark but might help to explain it.

Cherriesarelovely Fri 01-Feb-13 20:04:25

They pay £150 a month? That is extremely reasonable. I think I paid £100 a month to my parents around 20 years ago and that was just for me! Sorry you overheard that, it must be really annoying for you. You are not being at all unfair though.

RubyrooUK Fri 01-Feb-13 20:53:57

I think she is being a bit silly and ungrateful. So you're not being unreasonable.

But we all sometimes have a moan to friends about stupid stuff and if she is normally nice, I would let it go.

Maybe she has had a rubbish night's sleep or she and your DS had a conversation about her retuning to work or she is just a bit stressed about money. Or she is clueless and maybe you could just talk a bit more openly about bills - "oh that's the gas bill...god, it's eaten up all your month's rent in one go and there is still more to pay...£354, bills are so expensive."

You sound really lovely OP and it sounds like in the main, you have wonderful relationships with your family and extended family.

MortifiedAdams Fri 01-Feb-13 20:57:33

OP she has been getting £128pw. So her one week pay covers their outgoings to you. Meaning 3x£128 plus your DSs wage is spare every month.

Plenty to be saving for a deposit I should think!!

PeppermintCreams Fri 01-Feb-13 21:04:29

I like Carling's approach. You could also ask about the moving out plans as you want to buy them e.g. a new sofa to help get them out.

Flatbread Fri 01-Feb-13 21:07:18

I think this demonstrates how important it is to get expectations clearly laid out to start with.

If you had started with, say, £200 a month and stuck with that, it would probably have been fine.

But if you started with £50 and then unilaterally doubled it to £100, it might have created some resentment.

I agree with others who say it is time for a frank business talk, they are adults now. They need to understand the costs of housing/feeding three. And at the same time they need to have some say in how the terms are changed.

NapaCab Fri 01-Feb-13 21:09:36

They chose to have a baby at 22 years old when they couldn't afford it so they should live with the consequences. Why are you shielding them from reality? Having a baby is a big responsibility. They should grow up, move out and rent like everyone else has to do. As for the GF being a SAHM, sorry but that's ridiculous. She can't afford that luxury since her partner, your son, doesn't earn enough money.

Sounds like the pair of them have a lot of growing up to do and you're enabling their immaturity by letting them live at home. I can't imagine how you put up with your kind-of-DIL sitting around at home under your feet all day. You must never get a minute's peace!

FastidiaBlueberry Fri 01-Feb-13 21:13:23

You asked both your sons to start paying £150.

Were the girlfriends included in this discussion?

Are you sure she's aware that it is in fact only £150? Because to complain about such a paltry sum is demented. She does know it's only £150 doesn't she?

Flatbread Fri 01-Feb-13 21:20:10

I agree with Napa to an extent.

I think multi- generations of a family can live amicably under one roof. But with everyone pulling their weight and clear communication.

It seems to be that OP is still 'mummying' her boys. Let them lose woman and enjoy your freedom. If your maternal juices are overflowing, get a dog. At least it will be a grateful and happy for your efforts grin

GoingBackToSchool Fri 01-Feb-13 21:28:28

Does she fully understand why you have increased the rent after 7 months of there being 3 of them, instead of as soon as the baby was born? If not, her comments might just come from ignorance rather than trying to be rude. You seem very nice at letting them all stay smile

maddening Fri 01-Feb-13 21:36:29

That is ungrateful - I don't know how I would tackle it though.

Personally I would speak to my son and say that I overheard it and it has worried me that they are unhappy and ask if they want to stay living here - that they are always welcome but i don't want to upset them

FreshLeticia Fri 01-Feb-13 21:37:11

Blinkin' 'eck OP, my DS pays more than that a month and he is on minimum wage, is out a lot and his GF stays but doesn't live here.
£150 per month is totally unreasonable, they should be paying half their income to you. If they were renting they would be lucky to get a decent place for £150 A WEEK in rent and they would still have to pay bills and food etc on top.
Have a family meeting and make them pull their weight and stop letting them walk all over you.

Matildaduck Fri 01-Feb-13 21:48:04

Wow back in th e day ....well over 15 years ago i paid mum £20 a week.

Wouldn't even cover the council tax!

Maybe they need a reality check. Planning a baby before saving or buying a house is showing their immaturity.

elizaregina Fri 01-Feb-13 21:51:06

Fresh

The whole point of them being there at ops inviation was to save up for a deposit. They were intially seemingly very happy to move out and rent. It was op who said - " why dont you stay here".

The point of the low rent to op - is so they can save!

Flatbread

Your so right about expectations - my dad has this very prob now with tennants and I have had it too.

I wouldn't say anything to her or your Ds, but I would talk to Dh and say we are going to have a family meeting. All adults around the table, and say that you want them to know how much it costs to run a house and that way they know you aren't asking for too much money from them.
Show them the utility bills, mortgage bill, council tax, home insurance, food bills etc etc and make sure they see how much per month the house is costing you. She may twig that you heard her or maybe not, but you won't have said a word.
The make sure they know that they expected to be putting a big chunk away every month so that they have a deposit to be able to fund their own home very soon.
Make tea, and cake and make it happy, you don't want her to move out and not let you see the baby and also maybe even stop you seeing your ds. No need to get her back up.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Feb-13 22:04:12

I would say to them both, they've been living under your roof for X amount of time, you won't ask how much they've put by but would they like a head's up about how much to budget in future to pay ABC? Then lay out a piece of paper with outgoings eg food, water, electricity, etc so you can tot it up. I'd show both DS and gf just what a bargain they're getting they've avoided forking out. I'm guessing that gf isn't used as free labour or skivvy round the house. That way there's no mistaken belief you are coining it in or saving it up in a Swiss bank account.

I doubt they could buy a month's food for that. Not to mention rent, utilities, council tax. Perhaps she hasn't really thought about the costs to you. When I read your first post, I though "why are you charging rent when it doesn't cost any more to run the house with them in it or without". It was only after your comments about food and thinking about how people use electricity, heating the house during the day that I realised quite how good a deal they are getting and perhaps this could be pointed out to them. You could offer to not charge rent but not supply their food and see how long it would take the GF to realise that they would be out of pocket just on food.

bringmeroses Fri 01-Feb-13 22:07:59

OP do you think they are saving? Do they buy their own food? £150 a month for two is ridiculously cheap IMO

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 22:09:31

I wouldn't tell her I had been listening to her private conversations.

redwellybluewelly Fri 01-Feb-13 22:16:07

£150 a month ?

I was reading it as £150 A WEEK and thought it wasnt unreasonable!

bloomsandblossoms Fri 01-Feb-13 22:19:23

That's incredibly cheeky

When I lived at my parents house aged 21, working, I paid £350 a month for my bedroom (with a door that didn't even close properly) - this was 2007 and it was just me, no boyfriend

You sound like a lovely mum but sometimes you can be too soft - and it won't be doing your sons any good or equip them to deal with the outside world if you continue to be a cushion from reality. Your adult son made a decision to have a baby when he didn't even have his own place with his GF which is odd!

I would have a house meeting - show them all your outgoings and bills and how much everything costs. Explain that £150 per month is a bloody good deal when they would be paying hundreds a month to rent a place. Show them the Lettings in the local paper.
I presume the GF's family make no contribution?

I love my family too but i would seriously be wondering how long this is all going to go on for.
You need to treat them like adults and tell them straight that you are not as wealthy as they think.

ceeveebee Fri 01-Feb-13 22:34:48

Does she help around the house - cook, clean, do laundry at all - if she was a SAHM in a rented flat she'd have to!
Personally I think you should charge more to DS1/GF then DS2 - no doubt they use the washing machine, heating etc more for then and their DC than your DS2 does

Kafri Fri 01-Feb-13 22:40:56

Bloody hell, I paid that each month when I was 17 - 11 years ago!

U think you should sit am down with your son and gf and talk to them about it. Tell them waft you overheard and that it made you unhappy to hear it and why you disagree with it. Tell them that if they are unhappy with 159 then they are free to move elsewhere fit a better deal (not bloody likely)

If they were so bothered about getting a house - why plan a baby?

If she's so bothered about the house then why is she not going back to work?

Stand your ground op! She's our of order.

forehead Fri 01-Feb-13 23:07:01

I don't think that she appreciates how difficult it is to run a home. They need to move out, maybe then she will realise how bloody lucky she is

ClippedPhoenix Fri 01-Feb-13 23:10:15

£150 a week for them is absolutely nothing. Tell them to go it alone and see what they say. Bloody cheek!

ImperialBlether Sat 02-Feb-13 15:02:01

They're paying £150 PER MONTH, ClippedPhoenix!

GoingBackToSchool Sat 02-Feb-13 15:51:11

but forehead, they were going to move out in the first place and OP said, why don't you stay here. surely OP knew it would be expensive so should have charged more to start with.
Obviously it's very cheeky to moan (as she's getting a very good deal!) but I think this situation should have been thought of before.

GoingBackToSchool, by my reckoning this arrangement has been running for over a year - costs rise, it is perfectly reasonable to revisit the vanishingly small amount that DS1 and his GF grudgingly contribute to the household running costs.

mrsbunnylove Sat 02-Feb-13 16:06:18

you are missing the point.

the op thought they should be 'buying a house, going on holidays' at 22.
so she stuck her nose into their business (they were having a baby and wanted to rent somewhere to live, and the son earns plenty so they would have been fine) to try to enforce her preferred choice of activity (buying a house).neither son nor girlfriend need be particularly impressed by the parents' generosity - it comes at a price.

the girlfriend 'fell' pregnant. no she didn't. it was planned. the couple wanted to start a family. she 'became' pregnant. she succeeded in becoming pregnant, in fact.

the young people are doing as they are told, living with mum and dad, trying to save a deposit, instead of what they want, which is establishing a family unit of their own. the young are already 'giving' a great deal. and they aren't all that young. but the op wants 'gratitude' as well.

i agree that £150 is not a lot, and i think that £30 a month will not make a big difference to their savings. but the situation which causes the op a problem is one she set up for herself. blaming the girlfriend will not help at all. and it isn't fair.

mrsjay Sat 02-Feb-13 16:12:49

I would let them move out tbh then she would know what paying real rent is. I would put it down to over hearing her gossip but keep charging rent as if you never heard a thing are they saving for a rental deposit or mortgage if it is the latter they could be there for years, maybe it is time they found their own place all those adults living in a smallish house will start to grate on you all, you sound a lovely mum, I had my first baby at 21 my mum didnt allow me to stay at home

Blimey can I come and live with you - there will be 4 of us - DH and DS eat a lot though - am willing to pay £150 a week????

She's just immature and silly - I would chalk it down to that really. She'll grow up and understand how easy she had it when they do move out.

I do want to come and live with you though.

DollOnAMusicBox1 Sat 02-Feb-13 16:27:32

so she stuck her nose into their business (they were having a baby and wanted to rent somewhere to live, and the son earns plenty so they would have been fine) to try to enforce her preferred choice of activity (buying a house)

Bit unfair and not really reading the OP, the OP actually said they gave them the choice to live at home if they wanted to and they decided they wanted to, it wasn't enforced on them.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 02-Feb-13 17:18:56

I think it was more of a concern for her grandchild's welfare that made OP offer DS and partner some help. It's not just a desire to interfere or preferring bought to rented, it was possibly a whole raft of concerns. Had they gone out and rented would the 3 of them be all right? Possibly. Have things been easier living with everything paid for except token rent?? Very likely. Is OP holding them all hostage? Not by the sound of it.

If the gf isn't happy she is probably ready to fly the nest.

mrsjay Sat 02-Feb-13 17:21:25

If the gf isn't happy she is probably ready to fly the nest.

thats what I think she could start getting really resentful and it might not end well, she is basically living at home with her inlaws and still moaning about a small rent increase, time for them to move on I think

GeorgiaC11 Sat 02-Feb-13 18:38:44

You sound like a great mum, and that is so ungrateful of her. When I fell pregnant my partner and I moved back into my mums as we had been travelling and wanted to live back in the area and she asked us to move out ASAP as she didn't have the room which is understandable. But for you to let them live happily there with rent which is a fifth of the rent I payed on my first place is very ungrateful. I would sit down and get feelings out the way but maybe just you and her so there's not too much pressure.
Good luck!

mrsbunnylove Sat 02-Feb-13 22:42:38

so she stuck her nose into their business (they were having a baby and wanted to rent somewhere to live, and the son earns plenty so they would have been fine) to try to enforce her preferred choice of activity (buying a house) /Bit unfair and not really reading the OP, the OP actually said they gave them the choice to live at home if they wanted to and they decided they wanted to, it wasn't enforced on them.
not really. if she'd kept out of it, she wouldn't have the problem she has now.

elizaregina Sat 02-Feb-13 23:02:37

Exactly Bunny

No one can deny its a good price and not a nice comment to hear - but there is no background - we dont know how DIL feels - she is young, maybe naive - maybe waking up to the pitfalls of living with MIL!!!!

Maybe the day she made the comment was a day op had gone on about parenting to her or something - who knows. Maybe she is desperate to go but her DP doesnt want too because of money, and now she thinks -" bloody hell =- we cant ever escape now"

who knows!

And yes - I do think she is privaliged to be able to spend so much time with her Gc!!!!

Skinnywhippet Sun 03-Feb-13 00:47:40

I'd like to know how much your ds earns and whether they can realistically afford to live on his salary outside your home, OP.

nailak Sun 03-Feb-13 00:55:54

I have been in the position of living with in laws and contributing to what seems less and having everything done for me.

IME they used to cook for 10 people one chicken or something, which is the same amount as I would cook for just my family now, and they would cook once a day and have only things they knew how to cook in, no snack type things etc and so on, if we did cook they would complain about us wasting the food as no one else liked my cooking, we couldnt have the heating on when we wanted, if we needed to dry our clothes and so on, so although it seemed like feeding and heating extra people, it was just extra people living in the house and doing the same as if they werent there. In the end we did work out better moving out as rent went up, but housing benefit went up too! we spent a lot on take aways, fast food and stuff.

CabbageLeaves Sun 03-Feb-13 06:30:48

OP. your relationship with family is more important than anything they will save for a deposit by living with you. It is time they moved out not because you are a nasty controlling woman (as implied here hmm ) but because living together is likely to erode the relationship as both sides gather resentments.

Your offer was made with their welfare in mind. I'd sit down and explain that. I'd also say we love you very much and it's important to us that relationship is kept. We've been made to realise that not everyone is completely happy with the arrangement of you living here, particularly paying 150 monthly. Here are the bills for a typical month. We're not making money off you. We're trying to support you but we realise your lives are your own and living with in laws and parents is not ideal. Don't want the resentment to grow on your side nor on ours so how about we talk about this. Maybe having your own places, claiming HB is a better option for you for example. We will be fine about it, if that is what you wish to do. Perhaps you'd like time to think about it.

That way they get to make their choice. If they choose to stay, its up to you to address the hurt you feel over the comment. Either you bring it up with just her (your son is not responsible for her, she'd probably feel her relationship was being threatened if you involve him, so make it private perhaps?) or both or let it slide as a one off throwaway comment made by someone slightly immature and slightly stressed by not having their own space.

Sallyingforth Sun 03-Feb-13 09:57:10

Very sensible advice above.
Quite apart from the derisively small financial contribution, with effectively three groups of people living in one house there will inevitably be frictions and tensions building up.
They need to move on.

digerd Sun 03-Feb-13 10:34:59

I still want to know if she does any housework at all, cooking, washing up, washing /ironing etc.? OP.
Yep £150 per month for everything + £37.61 per week for 2 people- doesn't even pay for their food. She has 3 meals a day being at home and DS 2 being at work, unless mum makes him sandwiches to take to work for his lunch.
OP. If your were content with your generosity, then fine, but you are not due to ingratitude from the GF mummy, who is taking advantage of you.
YANBU she is.

YorkshireDeb Sun 03-Feb-13 10:46:42

I think the rent you charge them is VERY reasonable - I lived with my sister for 6 months, 10 years ago & gave her £100 a month which covered bills etc. I felt like I was getting a good deal - and that was just for one person. I suspect though that it's hard having so many people living under one roof & her rant was maybe deflecting the real issue - that she'd love her own place & is frustrated that she still can't afford it. I suggest you all sit down & have an open discussion about how everyone feels about living together - is there anything that needs to change to make everyone happier. And include asking how much they've managed to save so far & whether they feel the £150 is fair. If she brings it up, be ready to talk about your monthly outgoings in terms if bills, food etc so she can get a realistic idea of how much it will cost when she does have her own place. X

DontmindifIdo Sun 03-Feb-13 10:56:13

OP - I'd talk to your DS, say that you don't think this is going to work long term and you wanted to be able to put a time frame on this. Will they still plan to live with you in 6 months time say? I would say you've over heard DIL talking and she's obviously not happy with the arrangement, so you'd understand if they want to move out into rented sooner.

Mosman Sun 03-Feb-13 10:58:46

HOw much exactly do they have saved ? It should be enough to cover the month in advance and the bond.
Time for them to fly the nest and stand on their own feet, be ready to pick them up again if they fail but they have to try.

pictish Sun 03-Feb-13 11:05:07

If I were you I'd just tell her outright that you overheard what she said.
Have a copy of bills and other outgoings and show them to her, and let her work it out for herself and apologise to you.
You tell her the digs are going up, and then you let it drop and don't bear a grudge.

Op, you sound like a lovely mum & mil.
I think you have done enough to help them, what with letting them live with you for such a small amount of money aswell as buy them a fair share of baby products.

Averaging per week, you are asking for around £33 pw. That is very reasonable, infact very low amount to be asking considering you will be paying more in utility bills, and food with them all there.

Your dil sounds very spoilt & ungrateful.
She is lucky to be in the position where she has a roof over her family's head for a little more than 30 quid a week and to have extra cash to save to get a decent place ready.

I would have a polite word with them & if they are unhappy with their cushty arrangment, maybe it would be time for them both to fly the nest.

tiredemma Sun 03-Feb-13 11:11:07

I agree with Pictish. Tell her that you heard and that you feel she may need to know where the £150 per month goes.

Tell her you are doing her a favour because when she does move into her own place- she will realise that £150 a month would barely cover the gas and electric bill.

Indulged or what????

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sun 03-Feb-13 11:11:10

She was having a moan to a friend. All of us moan about things we are generally grateful for and happy with eg jobs, husbands etc

pictish Sun 03-Feb-13 11:22:09

I would be good natured but firm about it.
We DO all bitch to mates.

There's no need to fall out...just out her straight. She'll be mortified, which settles the score nicely.

It's all fine.

DontmindifIdo Sun 03-Feb-13 11:50:28

OP - thinking about this some more, do you have a figure for what they are aiming to save before moving out and also an idea of how much they are saving a month? Look at it this way, if your GDC is 7 months old, assuming they had no savings before hand and any spare cash prior to the birth went on buying things for the baby before it arrived my calculations would be:

She gets approx £586 a month in SMP plus £81 in child benefit. You said he was on a 'good money' so I've assumed £23k, just below the national average. That means his take home pay is arround £1,500 a month. Take off £100 a month for pension contributions and £400 in travel costs a month that leaves him £1k a month coming in. So that's £1667 a month coming in - their expenses are £150 a month to you, nappies (approx £40 a month depending on where they shop), phone contracts (assume £20 each a month) - that means they have a disposable income of £1437 - and they've had that for 7 months, so realistically could easily have already saved the best part of £10k. (Obviously, he might be earning less as different people have very different ideas of what 'good money' is)

I think you need to get some idea of what "deposit" means to them - is it £20k, £30k? How much have they already managed to save and how long do they therefore think it will take them to get to their target?

It's also worth checking that she agreed with the living with you idea or if your DS is the one pushing for it, whereas she'd prefer to rent somewhere and be independent. If she doesn't like it and has had to be convinced by your DS to do this, then I can see why she might be less 'grateful' if she feels she's been railroaded into this by her DP.

ubik Sun 03-Feb-13 11:51:18

DP and I lived together in a one room basement in Lewisham, £50/week - but that was about 16 years ago. It taught us the real cost of living though as neither of us earned much.

My sister has moved out of parents home aged 30 and her partner has done the same. They both gave good jobs -she is earning £25,000+ he is on £40,000! They are staggered by the cost of things;, food, power, new kitchens etc they really had no idea.

I would be tempted to help them find somewhere to rent and let them get on with it. They are grown up enough to choose to have a baby, they need to take on adult responsibilities too. At the moment you have a house of expensive large children and one small one.

scottishmummy Sun 03-Feb-13 11:55:26

actually £150 pm is v reasonable.certainly not market rates

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Feb-13 11:57:03

DontmindifIdo - I would bet everything I own that they have not saved £10,000.

DontmindifIdo Sun 03-Feb-13 12:00:55

Me too ImperialBlether !!! I just reckon the OP should start having those sorts of reality check conversations with her DS. She should stop thinking of them as 'poor young things' and think about how much they have coming in compared to going out and if they aren't saving at that sort of rate, how many years will she be expected to 'keep' them.

Bloody hell!

I really think you should have a word with your son and gf..just explain the costs of running a house to them and make them see what a bloody cheek she has for moaning.

You sound wonderful and generous. How ungrateful angry

elizaregina Sun 03-Feb-13 12:56:59

"They are grown up enough to choose to have a baby, they need to take on adult responsibilities too"

They seemed according to op MORE THAN HAPPY to take on adult responsiilites it was op who said move in with me.

maddening Sun 03-Feb-13 13:08:27

Just to note the maternity benefit is about to run out.

DontmindifIdo Sun 03-Feb-13 13:13:07

True Maddening, but then they've had 7 months to save...

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 03-Feb-13 13:26:58

YANBU, but she's... what, 22 or thereabouts? I was a clueless twat at that age too grin

mrsjay Sun 03-Feb-13 13:41:18

ANBU, but she's... what, 22 or thereabouts? I was a clueless twat at that age too

but she does have a baby I had a baby at 22 it kinda makes you grow up a bit , saying that she was just having a whinge we all do that whatever age you are grin

BooCanary Sun 03-Feb-13 14:06:36

I agree that £150pm is ridiculously reasonable. They wouldn't even be able to buy their own food pm for that.

However, maybe the Gf doesn't want to live with OP, and it's OPs DS who wants to. I can tell you that I wouldn't pay £150pm to live with my ILs or indeed my DM & DF. In fact, I wouldn't live with them if they paid ME £150pm. And they're actually all nice people!

I have plenty of friends who lived with their ILs at one point or another, and the majority of them HATED it. I don't expect the ILs liked it much either! It's a recipe for seething resentment and ill feeling IMO.

anonimum Tue 04-Jun-13 12:04:35

We have 2 ds's both 23 and 2 dd's 18 and 14. all at home. The two ds's finished Uni last year, one is doing a further degree, the other trying to get work as an artist. The artist moved home from Uni with artist gf last June. For 7 months they paid absolutely nothing and now (after asking) we get 15% from the little paid work the ds and gf gets (averaging £20 per week, so a token really - but all they can afford). I cook every night for all 7 of us (and work too). Funny, I kept expecting the gf's parents to send some token financial support to her (did they not wonder how she was feeding herself?!) but nothing. So this is a bit of a request, when your children are still financially dependent, but because of circumstance (or love, or both) end-up living with their gf/bf's parents, please don't assume that the other parents can or should provide all the financial support that child needs - and at least talk to the other parents to see if they are OK with the situation and acknowledge the issue. The gf's dm came to visit - and instead of taking us out to dinner, thought it would be 'nice' to eat at ours, and a bunch of flowers and bottle of plonk does not make up for caring for her child for free. Its not just food, drink, lodging and bills, its every family trip to cinema/meal out etc as we obviously include her with the family. It is hard to not feel some resentment, even when you love them, (especially if they have used all the eggs in a lunchtime omelette!) and I do wonder if 'mug' is printed on my forehead! If the other ds and big dd move their partners in, me and dh will get a bedsit.

squeakytoy Tue 04-Jun-13 12:07:51

"I do wonder if 'mug' is printed on my forehead! If the other ds and big dd move their partners in, me and dh will get a bedsit."

I know you have posted on an old thread here Anon, but yes you are a mug. Who owns the house you live in? Take control and tell the freeloading adults to move out!

scarletforya Tue 04-Jun-13 13:25:54

It was a 'planned' baby but they've nowhere to live and only one wage and are moaning that £150 a month is too much?

They have a rude awakening ahead of them when they leave home.

You must be mad letting them all live in your house. They need to get out and start learning a few lessons from the University of Life.

BegoniaBampot Tue 04-Jun-13 13:42:58

Anonimum. Yes you are a mug. Maybe I would do the same in your shoes but that would still make me a mug.

Veryunsure Tue 04-Jun-13 13:50:07

I would write down all the household bills and divide it then give it to her so she knows exactly how much everything costs and what a good deal she's getting!!

Pootles2010 Tue 04-Jun-13 14:00:13

I think you're mad too - how are they meant to grow up if you're still treating them like children? Turf them out, it'll be doing them a massive favour.

kelli10 Tue 04-Jun-13 14:46:28

I think you have been very supportive and perhaps it's time to all sit down and discuss how things are going and if everyone is still happy with the arrangements.

I know I couldn't have coped without help from my Mum and I'm 30. I think it's just about making sure everyone is on the same page.

It's bound to be more difficult to approach things with an in law rather than your own parent. I'm sure she was just letting her mouth run away with her rather than actually thinking that the £30 increase was unreasonable.

If you're happy for them to continue living with you then tell them so. Explain that you have no choice but to ask for more money but that you understand that this might change how they feel about staying (not that they'll fnd anywhere cheaper, my food bill is more than this per month). Give them the opportunity to tell you how their plans are progressing. Maybe things aren't moving as fast as she would like and is feeling peeved that they haven't made more progress towards independence. I know that when my OH and I lived with his parents, we didn't save anything. All we did was live a life that we couldn't afford. Maybe that's part of the issue here. It's expensive being a SAHM. Activities and coffees don't come cheap. Perhaps she's annoyed with herself but is deflecting.

Kaida Tue 04-Jun-13 14:54:55

Anonimum, in your DS's GF's mother's shoes, I would certainly not be sending money or support. She's presumably about 23 herself, as your son is. I would be thinking she should bloody well be supporting herself, and if you're enough of a mug to do so, more fool you.

That sounds harsh, and I'm sure you have your reasons for babying your son, but I'm amazed you think your son's 23-ish year old gf's parents should talk to you to work out some sort of support for her - she's an adult, more than old enough to sort herself out.

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