To think partner is starting to take advantage a bit?

(66 Posts)
QueenNothing Fri 01-Feb-13 12:38:49

My partner is hoping to buy a house within the next 6 months. In the meantime, I agreed he could unofficially live with me providing me helps me out with groceries etc. He agreed.

He's been here since new year and has so far not contributed anything. He buys the odd carton of milk or loaf of bread but that's it. On top of this, he asked me to buy better tea-bags and moans that I need a deep fat fryer as my oven chips are tasteless. The other day he offered to make me a casserole - but text me to ask me to buy some sirloin steak for it whilst I was out!

This morning he told me he was going to shop as he wanted some lemonade and orange juice. I asked what else he was buying and he said that was all 'he' needed. So I took the opportunity to ask him to buy me coffee and bread. At this point he asked "why don't you come with me?" in other words - come and pay for the stuff you want. I said I didn't have time so he went and bought me the cheapest coffee going - considering he insists on the most expensive tea-bags I felt this was taking the piss somewhat!?

He used to take me out every week and since he moved in here, we've not even been out.

He keeps going on about me moving in with him when he buys this new house but I'm wondering if he's just trying to keep me sweet with the promise of a new house if I keep him for the next 6 months. What's more annoying is that he keeps boasting of having £20k in the bank whilst I'm getting by on £18k a year.

I know I'm not BU actually!

emsyj Fri 01-Feb-13 12:40:52

So why is he still living with you? He is saving up and using you to help him do it, you know that, so why is he still there?? confused

WorraLiberty Fri 01-Feb-13 12:43:23

How long have you known him?

He is taking the piss big time. Get him to put his hand in his pocket and start paying his way!

AnneNonimous Fri 01-Feb-13 12:45:34

He's not taking advantage 'a bit'. He's taking the full blown piss. Deal with it ASAP.

MolehillAlchemy Fri 01-Feb-13 12:45:54

Putting sirloin steak in a casserole is very unreasonable!

QueenNothing Fri 01-Feb-13 12:45:56

Known him about a year

In answer to your original question - no, he isn't taking advantage "a bit". He is taking the absolute biscuit.

What are his good qualities? I would be showing him the door (plus possibly an invoice for rent / food).

manicbmc Fri 01-Feb-13 12:46:31

Kick him out. Who the hell uses sirloin steak in a casserole for a start?

His actions imply that he must have the best, whereas you can have the cheapest and if you were to move in with him, you just know it would be his name on the mortgage and you would have no financial stability.

I wouldn't care if he was saving up to find a cure for cancer, he's not paying his way at all and is a total cock lodger.

Yes, he is taking the piss.

Do you get the single discount rate on your council tax? because now you shouldn't be, which means we are all subsidising him.

VinegarTits Fri 01-Feb-13 12:49:32

Yes he is taking the Michael, and its not just food he should be contributing to, i assume he takes showers? uses your washing machine, watches your TV etc...

buck up or fuck off would be my mantra to him

Hegsy Fri 01-Feb-13 12:50:02

Yup cock lodger.....wouldn't be surprised if buying a house 'fell through'. Get. Rid!

Sugarice Fri 01-Feb-13 12:51:06

Hoping to buy a house is he?, are you part of his future plans?

kalidanger Fri 01-Feb-13 12:51:28

You know you're not BU and so do we! shock[flamingtorches]

Had a proper sit down and look at your budget so he can contrubute fairly? I assume that's what you'd both do before you moved in together and if it's his house hbut he'd want a contribution to the mortgage? hmm

For the avoidance of any doubt; this man is a cocklodger.

WorraLiberty Fri 01-Feb-13 12:51:52

Do you know much about his past relationships?

I'm just wondering if he does this to all his girlfriends until they find out the 'new house' thing is all bollocks.

<< Cynical >>

ENormaSnob Fri 01-Feb-13 12:53:04

My god, are you nuts?

He is a scrounging cunt. Get rid.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Feb-13 12:54:25

Good grief!

He's a moocher.

Kick him out today! NO 'I'll change' or ultimatums.

As it is, you've been very foolish to allow this sponge to get his feet under your table.

But now you have, and you see what he's like, you need to DUMP today!

If he has £20K, he can afford to put up in a cheap hotel till he gets his own flat.

doctorhamster Fri 01-Feb-13 12:56:39

He's completely taking the piss. He should be paying half of everything and you need to tell him so. Sit down with all your bills and tell him to set up a monthly direct debit into your account.

When it comes to grocery shopping, take it in turns to pay.

Sunnywithshowers Fri 01-Feb-13 13:03:44

Cocklodger. Bin him.

I agree, dump him.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Feb-13 13:13:19

And don't be nice about it!

Pack his shit in bin bags, cheapest you can find, put them outside and change your locks.

A note: You are a cheap user. Goodbye.

NatashaBee Fri 01-Feb-13 13:16:02

Dammit, I wanted to be the first to say 'cocklodger'. I would expect him to pay for all the food shopping, at the very least (and really he should be paying half of the rent, council tax, gas, electric, internet and phone/TV as well).

plummyjam Fri 01-Feb-13 13:22:53

Sounds like a dosser who is definitely taking advantage. I would expect long-term prognosis for this relationship to be poor. Sorry.

OTTMummA Fri 01-Feb-13 13:23:19

You are in a very fortunate position of not having any ties with this man, no children, no mortgage etc, just pack his stuff and tell him to fuck off.

He has buttered you up for nearly a year and is going back on his word within a month, lesson learned i think, get rid or he will suck you dry.

kalidanger Fri 01-Feb-13 13:26:04

Cocklodging is kind of a weird one. On one hand don't most people enjoy being generous and the (selfish grin ) pleasure you get from doing things for people. Mmmm, warm glow, aren't we all having a lovely time at mine and I cooked and it's all clean etc.

But then the recipient steps over some invisible line and the generous one is suddenly left not being generous at all but being a cash-cow with mug stamped on their face. It's fucking shocking to realise it, I've been there.

It's a dumpable offense, OP.

DontmindifIdo Fri 01-Feb-13 13:28:34

YANBU - so give him a choice, he either leaves within the week, or he starts paying 50% of all bills, and you each do the weekly shop every other week. Tell him he's freeloading and you're not going to keep him for 6 months while he buys a place.

ComradeJing Fri 01-Feb-13 13:38:10

Yep, LTB.

Zalen Fri 01-Feb-13 13:48:35

You need to take this as an early warning of what's to come. He won't learn and he won't change. No need to go overboard, maybe a quiet word, 'this isn't working, when can you leave?' But set a definite date, get rid and move on!

corlan Fri 01-Feb-13 13:51:30

Definite cocklodger ( and in my experience, cocklodgers don't change)

My normal first question; Do you love him? Do you even like him?
From your OP it doesn't really sound like it.
Do you see yourself with this man in 5 years time?
If you really love him and want this to work then you need to be totally honest with him.
Tell him exactly what you've told us. Don't beat about the bush. He's a man, they don't take hints, they need full on information.
If you and he want to make this work then he needs to start putting something into the relationship.
Sit down with your bills and your income and show him what you have coming in and what you have going out.
Tell him he needs to start contributing. Only you 2 can decide how that will happen. My OH doesn't pay half of my bills etc... but he contributes in loads of other ways so it is pretty even.
If you don't see a future then it's time to cut and run and tell him he needs to move out as you don't see this going anywhere and that he is taking the piss out of you!
Good luck!

TheCraicDealer Fri 01-Feb-13 14:29:25

You need to say something like, "Now you're living here utilities are going up and I'm spending more on groceries for the two of us. How much do you want to give me per month?"

If he does anything other than ask for your bank details to set up a standing order, you need rid. Otherwise you're going to be used and then unceremoniously dumped when he no-longer needs to stay with you or you'll have a relationship filled with bitterness and griping over money.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Feb-13 14:37:51

'No need to go overboard, maybe a quiet word, 'this isn't working, when can you leave?' But set a definite date, get rid and move on! '

The problem with this is that cocklodgers use quiet to their advantage. This man buttered her up to talk her into this sham of an agreement ('. . . help me out with groceries . . . '), so 'when can you leave' is going to be met with all manner of reasons why he can't. He strings her along with talk of how he will move her into this new house so he can get his free 6 months rooms and board.

Classic freeloader.

This is why you can't have a quiet word or ask this freeloader to leave.

Spongers needs to be told their gravy train is derailed and they have to get off. Now.

Ooh I vote for expat's plan

expatinscotland Fri 01-Feb-13 14:41:16

This person is an adult. They do not need to be sat down with bills and told that bills rise when one adult moves in with another, or that they need to stump up, or have a choice or 'How much can you give me?'

That's self-evident to any adult, and an adult who respects another person doesn't need training or to see utility statements or any of that shit when someone they love takes them into save money on their rent. Such an adult automatically approaches the other to ask what their share is and will be and sets up a standing order to fullfil that.

A cocklodging freeloader, however, is . . . well, your boyfried.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 01-Feb-13 14:44:59

You have known him about a year, and he's been living with you a year??

Kick him out, what a freeloading wanker.

Joiningthegang Fri 01-Feb-13 14:45:55

He is a twat

But you are allowing hom to be a twat

Take responsibility, either tell him and see if things improve or get rid

ShephardsDelight Fri 01-Feb-13 14:45:58

Oh dear, he does sound like a piss taker.

aswell as courtesy , the fact you haven't been out is quite sad, if its like this before the house can you imagine what it will be like afterwards.

AThingInYourLife Fri 01-Feb-13 14:47:00

"Kick him out. Who the hell uses sirloin steak in a casserole for a start?"


I love Mumsnet smile

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 01-Feb-13 14:49:43

Scrounging twat, get rid pronto, he obviously just sees you as a cash cow.

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 01-Feb-13 14:55:00

I'm so glad I'm single.
Who are these men that women let walk all over them like that?
I wouldn't even bother sitting down and discussing the matter or working out what he should pay.
He's proved himself to be a sefish, twat, If it was me it would be non negotiable.
And he's also mean, which IMO is one of the worst traits anybody, male or female could have.

kalidanger Fri 01-Feb-13 14:58:32

OP's only had him at her place since New Year. She's wised up pretty quickly. It took me an extra week and a half, I think.

Bin him.

He can find somebody else to buy him high quality tea bags. I would not be surprised if he has NO plans to buy a house, only keeps you sweet and dangles home ownership as a carrot in front of you.

kalidanger Fri 01-Feb-13 15:02:23

Wait a sec - it took me a week and a half less but I'd had some prior hints/flags.


"you are now taking the piss out of me. If you wish to continue to live here it will be £100 a week - and you owe me for the weeks you have already lived here - payment in ADVANCE"

try the above by text. His response will tell you all you need to know.

Sallyingforth Fri 01-Feb-13 15:02:50

He's NOT a partner. Partners share things. He isn't - he's all take and no give.

I hope he's superb in bed because he'll never be good for anything else.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 01-Feb-13 15:03:36

Oh since New Year, sorry grin

manicbmc Fri 01-Feb-13 15:04:12

Could a man that selfish with his cash be at all giving in the sack? I doubt it.

sooperdooper Fri 01-Feb-13 15:07:49

He's a complete piss take, tell him tonight that he needs to contibute 50% towards bills and alternate weeks he does the shopping, which you'll give him a list for (include wine and chocolate)

I also agree he owes you for the month he's been there, cheeky arse

Icelollycraving Fri 01-Feb-13 15:07:56

It's all a load of pony! Get shot.

CheeseandPickledOnion Fri 01-Feb-13 15:09:09


expatinscotland Fri 01-Feb-13 15:17:16

If you tell him he needs to contribute, he will not or he'd have done it by now. He'll have excuses, justifications, 'This is for us, for our future, for when I buy a house,' and on and on.

He knows he is taking the piss. It's not a mistake.

You are enabling this.

'You're a freeloading cocklodger. I've had enough of it. Get your stuff, right now, and get out.'

£20K. He can afford a cheap hotel till he gets another place, it's not your problem if he has no place to go, it's his because he's a pisstaker.

If you can't do this alone, then invite a couple of friends over. Then tell him, 'You're a freeloading cocklodger. I've had enough of it. Get your stuff, right now, and get out.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Feb-13 15:19:39

In the future, at the first sign of meanness/cheapskate behaviour (because IME, cheapskates are never the ones who are poorest), end contact immediately.

Jux Fri 01-Feb-13 15:29:00

Pack his bags and tell him the only woman whom he could expect to behave like that is his mum, and then only until he was 18.

Really, kick him out. You don't even need to give him notice. And don't worry about the relationship; there actually isn't one any more.

You've had a lucky break, as you know what he'd be like if you were to make your relationship more permanent. Be very careful about contraception if you can bear to let him touch you any more. The last thingmyou want is to have a child by this brat.

GetOrf Fri 01-Feb-13 15:34:20

What expat said, every word.

Fuck that! Cheeky bastard. He is relying on your good and kind nature not to say anything.

HOW DARE HE have 20 grand in the bank and expect you to pay for everything when you earn less than that in a year?

He is a disgrace. I bet he fucking well monopolises your telly as well. And doesn't clean the bath out. And leaves teaspoons on the side <on a roll>

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 01-Feb-13 16:18:52

^ Toilet seat up, puts empty packets back in the fridge......

katiecubs Fri 01-Feb-13 16:22:50

You are BU to put up with him. Seriously why are you even with someone like this?

skullcandy Fri 01-Feb-13 16:49:13

what are you doing wasting your time on this asshat?

Time to clean house, chuck him out with the rubbish and dont let the door hit his arse on his way out.

digerd Fri 01-Feb-13 17:00:55

The only relationship you have is that you are the one giving and he just takes, and treats you like dirt. He's totally selfish and nasty. No way is he boyfriend/partner material. Dump him.

Mollydoggerson Fri 01-Feb-13 17:05:29


shewhowines Fri 01-Feb-13 17:13:23

He's on a very nice number.

He will be too, when he buys a house and he makes you pay half of everything especially when you end up with nothing when he kicks you out finds a better cash cow

It's worth a talk but it's probably pointless if he can act as he has done with no guilt

I wouldn't do the paying for groceries every other week because you know he will buy cheap crappy stuff unless he wants it.

I'd give him one chance. One. I'd be very blunt.

"you need to FULLY pay your way or leave. This is not what we agreed."

Pandemoniaa Fri 01-Feb-13 17:21:48

He's taking the piss on epic levels. I'm hoping that when he's ready to buy this house on the back of all the money you are saving him, that he doesn't sod off and leave you behind. But I rather suspect he will.

Lose him. You deserve better.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Feb-13 17:43:06

He's had a month of chances. He's become even worse, moaning about teabags and tasteless chips, never putting his hand in his pocket.

No more chances.


pluCaChange Fri 01-Feb-13 18:15:23

DS (4.10) has just asked, "Mummy, how old is he? I think he's about six."

roffle. I have a lovely boy.

riveroise Sat 02-Feb-13 01:53:37

So he's been there a month. If he's bought a few loaves of bread, a few cartons of milk and some value coffee, lets say he's spent about £15.

That's 50p a day! shock

Taking the piss or what!

Time for him to move back to mummy.

Inertia Sat 02-Feb-13 09:20:19

So where does he officially live then ?

And are you receiving any council tax discount or tax credit on the basis that you live on your own ? If so, this man is going to end up costing you a lot more than some teabags. He needs to either pay his way as half a couple, or go.

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