would this annoy you?

(68 Posts)
StormInaCup Thu 31-Jan-13 04:43:57

I organised a cinema and dinner trip with 3 friends, all of them agreed. As I organised it I said we are eating here and watching this - all agreed.

I picked everyone up, and then one of my friends say actually we aren't eating there now and we're seeing a different film and then she wondered why I was annoyed. And made the remark - well if you're gonna be like that then we'll go eat there then.

I'm not a controlling person who dictates what me and my friends do, but I organised the night out and if she had a problem with it or wanted to do something different then she should have said it earlier instead of changing the plans on the day.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 31-Jan-13 04:47:36

Weird. Them not you.

AmandaCooper Thu 31-Jan-13 06:19:11

Yes that would annoy me. Once you've agreed to do something and you're actually on your way there you can't just unilaterally change the plan. What a strange attitude.

KC225 Thu 31-Jan-13 07:24:48

So what happened? Did you eat elsewhere and watch a different film. Did the others object?

BeaWheesht Thu 31-Jan-13 07:26:19

It'd annoy me a bit - depends how she said it really. Also I don't think I'd show I was annoyed tbh because it's not that big a deal and I'm not 12 wink

pictish Thu 31-Jan-13 07:29:07

That would annoy me. Not so much the food venue but the film.
If I invited two friends to go and see xxx film with me, I would want to go and see xxx film....not a different film.

diddl Thu 31-Jan-13 07:48:14

So you organised it & picked everyone up?

Did you tell her to get out of the car?
(I would haveblush)

fairylightsinthesnow Thu 31-Jan-13 07:49:49

did she arrange that with the other two and then present it to you as a done deal? If so, hard to challenge, if not, what did the other two think?

Sirzy Thu 31-Jan-13 07:50:21

hmm Im not sure. I do think it was a bit strange of you to make the decision by yourself in the first place, perhaps they shouldn't have rearranged but if nobody else wanted to eat where you wanted/watch what you wanted then it seems a bit daft to do that.

MrsMushroom Thu 31-Jan-13 08:38:17

I agree that it was odd of you to say "we are eating here and watching this."

Shouldn't it have been a group decision?

lottiegarbanzo Thu 31-Jan-13 08:50:38

If they didn't want to do what she'd invited them to do, why had they accepted the invitation to do it?

They could easily have said 'love to see you then, I'd rather see X', or 'can we meet and decide details on the night?'.

MammaTJ Thu 31-Jan-13 08:50:47

Did the other two know about the changes? Did they go along with what she said? Did they not even know, or did they think you knew about them too?

Bobbybird40 Thu 31-Jan-13 08:52:16

What film were you taking them to see? And what did she want to see?

FeckOffCup Thu 31-Jan-13 09:00:37

Yes that would annoy me, particularly the change of film. I don't go to the cinema very often so if I do go and pay their extortionate prices it has to be a film I really want to see, not one somebody else has decided on.

diddl Thu 31-Jan-13 09:00:49

I think wanting to eat somewhere else-maybe OK.

But a different film-why wouldn´t you say when OP was first arranging-"no thanks, I don´t want to see that"?

pictish Thu 31-Jan-13 09:46:52

I agree. If I go to see a film, then I want to see that film. I wouldn't go to the cinema just to tag along with friends.
It's rude to change the film, as it impacts on the evening as a whole. Yes, you join them for the meal then not go to the cinema, but that's a bit meh...having to go home early on the night out you organised, or see a film you don't want to, when the whole point was to see the film you did want to see.
I think that would irk me. I know it would.

DublinMammy Thu 31-Jan-13 10:01:20

YANBU, that would annoy me, particularly if I had arranged it AND was picking everyone up.

firawla Thu 31-Jan-13 10:03:54

no yanbu it is annoying, if she didnt like it she should have brought it up at the time of organising not last minute try to just change everything and then get in a mood!

pingu2209 Thu 31-Jan-13 10:05:28

That would annoy me too. I wouldn't be too fussed over where we eat, but the film we watched would really irk me. I am fussy over what I watch and would be really pee'd off if I was looking forward to watching one film only to be told we were watching another.

sooperdooper Thu 31-Jan-13 10:22:25

I wouldn't mind so much about where to eat, but the film would annoy me, if I'm going to the cinema I want to see that particular film and if people wanted to see something different I'd just expect them to say that when I suggested going out, not on the way to the cinema

StormInaCup Thu 31-Jan-13 13:16:38


I agree that it was odd of you to say "we are eating here and watching this."

Shouldn't it have been a group decision?

Why is that odd? confused We all work full-time so can only really go out in the evening. Surely it's better to say let's go see this film so you then can actually check to see whether it is even showing and you need to know the times etc.

I would just rather pick the restaurant too because I hate it when it turns into "where would you like to eat?" "I don't mind where would you like to eat?" and it meant I could make a reservation so we wouldn't be late going to see the film hmm

If she had wanted to eat or see something then I wouldn't have minded but it's the fact that she changed it without saying anything and expected me to just go along with it.

I think it's fine to say 'do you want to come and see Movie Title and have something to eat at Restaurant Title on Wednesday?'
They can always say no. It's very rude to say yes then change all the plans.

Thunderstruck Thu 31-Jan-13 13:34:30

I think your friend is being really inconsiderate and rude to change plans like that.It is very inconsiderate of her and very rude

yes, that would annoy me. i dont get out much, so if id been looking forward to seeing a particular movie, I wouldnt want to sit and see another one instead.
The meal maybe not so much. Unless I'd looked up the menu online and had decided what i was going to order already.

AmberLeaf Thu 31-Jan-13 14:11:32

So you decided where and what for three other adults.

They decided they didnt want your choice.

So you were outvoted by 3/1.

Why is that unfair? I can see why you may be annoyed by it, but it was a majority decision.

SparkyTGD Thu 31-Jan-13 14:15:25

That would annoy me. I think if your friend had said

"even though you've planned this, I'd really prefer to do this, what do you think?"

would be fine.

lljkk Thu 31-Jan-13 14:17:22

What Sparky said.

Pandemoniaa Thu 31-Jan-13 14:20:16

It is rather odd to plan a night out with friends and not let them have any input into the arrangements. I'd normally expect a discussion to go along the lines of "I've seen that X film is on in Y. Do you fancy seeing it and having a bite to eat at Z afterwards?".

If everyone had agreed to see a particular film and eat somewhere afterwards then yes, I'd be surprised to discover we were doing something completely different. But do you think the decisions that you made on their behalf might have instigated a bit of a rebellion?

HecateWhoopass Thu 31-Jan-13 16:52:33

I think they were telling you that while they want your company, they don't want to be told where they're eating and what they're seeing.

In future, why not say let's get together, X, Y and Z films are on, I quite fancy seeing Y, what does everyone else fancy? and what about A place or B place for food.

You see telling them we ARE going out and we WILL see X and we WILL eat at A as organising, but I bet they see it as controlling.

StormInaCup Thu 31-Jan-13 19:57:42

I knew the controlling comment would come up (it usually the same people that say it, surprised the same pack of people hasn't called me aggressive or said my friends have anxiety issues)

It's not controlling, I organised a plan (which I rarely do anyway) and told them the plan if they had wanted to change it they could easily have said - sounds good, would you maybe prefer to x instead though?

But when you all agree then suddenly decide you would rather do something else then speak up before we are actually travelling there.

If you don't want to see the film or eat at that restaurant then be an adult and say? hmm

Instead I should just say I have no idea about times or films but lets just see if there happens to be a film we all like and will be showing at the right time and won't be sold out and then we can just hope that theres a table free and we get to finish the meal before the film actually starts. It was Orange Wednesday so definitely wouldn't be busy or anything ....

timidviper Thu 31-Jan-13 20:00:39

Was it just the one friend who wanted to change it or more than one?

If just one then she is being a pain, if more than that then maybe they are rebelling against being organised.

Pandemoniaa Thu 31-Jan-13 20:01:04

OK then. YANBU. We are.
The End.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Thu 31-Jan-13 20:08:00

It depends how the invitation went.

"Let's go to the cinema."
"Yes, we'd love to."
"OK, we're going to eat at x first and watch y" = YABU

"I really fancy going to see y, and thought it would be nice to have a meal out at x first. What do you all think?"
"OK, we're up for that" (and then change minds) = YANBU

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Thu 31-Jan-13 20:08:54

Hmm. Should read thread properly. That's what Hecate said.

Mind you, she is always right.

digerd Thu 31-Jan-13 20:14:21

People should be asked if they like the idea and not told this is what we are doing. Or at least " what do you think about doing this?" Or " Would you like etc". But the others should have said they didn't want that at the time, and not left it until the arranged day.

Granitetopping Thu 31-Jan-13 20:26:11

This situation with your inconsiderate friends would annoy the hell out of me!! How bloody rude! You organised the film and food - your friends agreed and then on the day changed their minds. They couldn't text you, give you a call?

Sounds to me like they made a plan behind your back and then just expected you to go along with it!


HumphreyCobbler Thu 31-Jan-13 20:37:15

You asked them to go and see a specific film and then eat at a specific restaurant. This is entirely reasonable behavior and only on Mumsnet could this be seen as controlling. They could have said no FFS.

I have been invited out with my friend to see Argo next week. I won't be turning up and saying I would rather see the Hobbit.

FiveGoMadInDorset Thu 31-Jan-13 20:40:38

They could have said no when you asked, on the night is just plain rude.

AmberLeaf Thu 31-Jan-13 21:02:31

They agreed to your suggestions as you were so overbearing that felt they could say no, then they spoke together and decided they would just tell you what they wanted to do.

AmberLeaf Thu 31-Jan-13 21:03:04

could =*couldnt

ceeveebee Thu 31-Jan-13 21:06:27

It sounds like a very odd way to organise a night out. I am always organising my friends into doing things, but I would say "does anyone want to come and see x film? Shall we eat at y place?" Give people a choice. They're probably rebelling against you!

WhichIsBest Thu 31-Jan-13 21:06:50

What did you see? Your film or hers?

HumphreyCobbler Thu 31-Jan-13 21:08:20

why overbearing?

If I wake up and decide I want to see Gone with the Wind, phone my friends and ask them to come with me, how on earth is that overbearing?

skullcandy Thu 31-Jan-13 21:13:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeistyLass Thu 31-Jan-13 21:16:31

YANBU - I'd be annoyed especially if I'd booked the restaurant. Plus, as quite a few other people have said, there are certain films I'd want to see and others I wouldn't so I would be unhappy they changed it after agreeing to it. It sounds like one of your friends isn't really that nice.

HecateWhoopass Thu 31-Jan-13 21:37:01

I didn't say it was controlling from your pov. I am sure you don't see it that way.

I said I bet they see it as controlling.

And I stand by that. I bet they do.

I certainly would.

And I would do what they have done. Said actually, we'd prefer to do this...

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 31-Jan-13 21:41:13

Them not you.

Hecate, I don't normally disagree with you, so this is a bit weird.

I have a friend who is definitely controlling. She will say let's go see x film, eat at y first. But I'm an adult, so If I don't want to see x film, I decline and don't go.

I would not agree to go to see x film, and then wait until we have been picked up, get others to gang up and see a different film / eat somewhere different. That is rude.

It's different if the invitation is to go to the movies to see an unspecified film. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

HecateWhoopass Thu 31-Jan-13 22:53:05

grin i am no doubt projecting wildly.

I just know what I'd think if someone said we're going out and - what was it? "we are eating here and watching this."

I'd think whoa, buster. Hold up. Is that an invitation or a command grin but I'd probably nod politely grin and say ok, thinking I was going along with what everyone wanted to do.

So it isn't impossible to me that her friends could see it as controlling and individually not had the guts to say no, or each thought everyone else had ageed to it and so said yes but then all got together and said were you ok with that? no, not really, I wish she'd asked what I wanted. Me too, I would have liked to have seen X not Y, yeah, I wasn't bothered about Y but I don't really like A food, me neither, but it was like - this is what we're doing... well, what would you like to see? why don't we say that? we can go to eat at that other place instead...

Of course, they could all be like my mum, who can't make any sort of decision whatsoever, not even choose what type of biscuit to have and dithers for so long that I am seriously considering leaping across the table and beating her to death with the biscuit barrel grin

I think it was the 'we ARE eating here and we ARE watching this' and that they agreed to it, that made me think less agreed between all of them and more decided for them. iyswim.

Yes, it was rude of them to spring it on her, they should have just said at the time that they'd like to all decide together, but I do think from what was described, that it is possible that they saw it as dictatorial.

But, I may very well be totally wrong. It's just an interpretation of a few sentences.

from which I seem to have developed some sort of screen play grin

grin hecate, you are funny.

So if someone said do you fancy going out on Friday to see Psycho, and you would rather see Love Actually, would you agree?

Maybe this is me being precious with my rare nights out.

And before anyone says anything, I know these films are old, but it's a measure of how I don't get out much.

I do agree though that OP might well be controlling and her friends don't feel they can refuse or suggest changes. It's just that I personally am strong enough to say no.

TigerLily89 Fri 01-Feb-13 01:43:20

People should be asked if they like the idea and not told this is what we are doing

I don't think the OP is friends with robots. Surely if they are invited somewhere and don't want to go they can say no? hmm I don't think the OP has pointed a gun at their heads and demanded they do anything.

I don't think it's odd to say - "Hey, would anyone like to go and see The Hobbit on Wednesday? Thought we could eat at Nandos before too?"

Surely the friends could say - "I'm definitely up for seeing that film, but would you prefer to eat at Pizza Express instead?"

Only on MN could the above situation be described as controlling and having friends rebel.

SirIronBottom Fri 01-Feb-13 03:14:55

I agree with the OP - this whole situation is stupid.

'Does anyone want to go with me to eat at X restaurant and see Y film?'

'OK then!'

<get to the night>

'Actually we've decided we're going to Z restaurant and seeing Q film, without consulting you'


Yes, the OP decided on the original restaurant/film without consulting anyone, but her offer - which was initially accepted - was based on that restaurant and film. No such offer was made to the OP by the friends - it was just assumed that the OP would be OK with the change of plan. Ridiculous.

Diddydollydo Fri 01-Feb-13 04:29:31

I agree with Hecate on this one. I think it very much depends on how the original invitation was put. I bet they felt like rebellious teenagers! OP do you think they'd discussed it between themselves?

I went to the cinema on wed with a couple of friends, I can't remember which one of us arranged it but none of us ever tell the others what we are going to see or eat we just kind of sort it out between us. I've seen a couple of films I didn't really fancy because we went with the majority but I'm sure they have too on occasion.

HecateWhoopass Fri 01-Feb-13 07:00:11

grin squirted. funny daft not funny haha, yeah? grin

I probably would, if it was presented in such a way that I thought everyone else had agreed it and I was being invited along.

If I then found out we'd all been told we were going to this and eating there, I'd feel differently.

But, whole load of interpreting of OPs posts going on here by me, cos I acknowledge it isn't clear and there are several interpretations of how things were presented etc.

It is the everybody was told bit. I'd be changing that out of sheer bloody mindedness.

[about 5 and a half years old emoticon]

Matildaduck Fri 01-Feb-13 07:06:50

I would be annoyed, my husband does this to his friends, its bloody rude. I always go mad at him.

If you don't like the plans don't go.

whois Fri 01-Feb-13 07:23:08

A little U to change the film at the last min. They should have said about wanting to see a different film when you were organising.

The meal is not U, sometimes you fancy eating something different to what was planned!

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 01-Feb-13 07:25:12

It depends how the invitation went.

"Let's go to the cinema."
"Yes, we'd love to."
"OK, we're going to eat at x first and watch y" = YABU

"I really fancy going to see y, and thought it would be nice to have a meal out at x first. What do you all think?"
"OK, we're up for that" (and then change minds) = YANBU

This. If you stated what you were all doing rather than asking them 'what do you fancy seeing? I fancy this film,' then you ARE being rude and controlling. How can you not see that?!

NannyPlumIsMyMum Fri 01-Feb-13 07:25:36


You had decided to do something - you asked if they wanted to join you - if they didn't like your plan then they should have stayed at home!

myBOYSareBONKERS Fri 01-Feb-13 07:38:40

OP - in response to all the posts above, how did you ask your friends?

ZillionChocolate Fri 01-Feb-13 08:50:24

I agree it depends on how the plans were made. I think OP was probably NBU.

SaraBellumHertz Fri 01-Feb-13 08:58:08

Controlling and over bearing?? Give it a rest!

If I ring my friends and say I really fancy going to see kings of leon they agree but then when we're in the car they say actually we're off to see girls a loud then it is them that is rude.

You invited friends to a specific event if they don't fancy it they don't have to come.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Fri 01-Feb-13 08:59:36

I love it when someone organises a get together with a proper plan. It can take forever for a group to come to a consensus on movies and restaurants.

I think the OP was NBU. The friends could have spoken to her earlier and suggested a change but to do it last minute, in the car, is a bit thoughtless.

DontmindifIdo Fri 01-Feb-13 09:04:01

Agree, that it depends if the orginial invite was to see the specific film and eat at specific place first, if not, and you just invited them to generally go to the cinema and eat, then I would assume which film we saw and where we ate to be up for discussion, not you then make the decision and inform me what I'd be seeing and where i'd be eating after I'd accepted a general 'let's go to the cinema'.

It does sound like the others have been chatting behind your back, which suggests you were being a bit overbearing that they felt they had to do this, think about it, if they had all agreed they would rather watch X film rather than Y that you'd arranged, normally they would each individually have said to you "actually, can we go see X film? I don't fancy seeing Y." if you are a slightly overbearing type, then the rebellion behaviour would be more understandable.

Next time, make it clear in your invite what exactly you are inviting people too if you don't want them to make the choices about what happens on the night out.

RuleBritannia Fri 01-Feb-13 09:06:27

The OP was being the 'taxi driver'. How selfish of the 'friends' to get her to take them to a restaurant and film that she didn't know about in advance. They were just taking advantage of the transport.

AmberLeaf Fri 01-Feb-13 09:39:38

As I organised it I said we are eating here and watching this - all agreed

You thought that as you organised it [how much organising was involved exactly?] that you got to choose what you all watched and what you all ate.

That sounds like dictating, I wouldn't like that an obviously neither did your friends.

If it isn't controlling then it is certainly bossy.

Yfronts Fri 01-Feb-13 09:55:37

My friends often say 'I'm planning this and that, do you want to come?' Then I attend what ever they have arranged.

Yfronts Fri 01-Feb-13 09:58:11

If they had said 'want to go out on x night/eat at x and we can watch a film?' I'd probably make some activity suggestions which we could discuss.

Zalen Fri 01-Feb-13 10:16:30

I'll add my voice to those who'd like to know how the actual invitation went, although unless you had a Colt 45 to their heads then they're surely unlikely to have felt too intimidated to venture a different suggestion.

But I think if I had decided to go out for a meal and to see a movie and invited friends to join me, then if they told me, after I'd picked them up to take them to the restaurant, that they'd changed the plan I would have pulled over, let them out, apologized for not realising they had other plans, wished them a good evening at their restaurant and movie of choice before continuing with my own evening.

At least I'd like to think I would but I know I'm too much of a wimp really, blush

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