To ask what SAHM,s with kids at school do with their days?

(454 Posts)
totallyfrazzled Tue 29-Jan-13 22:53:34

I am mainly a SAHM but both my children are now school age. I do work PT, but as I work freelance my work days are erratics so I often find myself being a SAHM for a full week. Despite the fact that I do work, albeit slightly randomly, I find that I cannot give myself credit for the multiple tasks that I perform in anyone day at home....getting the DC's dressed and ready for school, driving them to school, clearing up the breakfast chaos, making the beds, doing the shopping, blah blah blah, preparing the evening meal, collecting the DC's, getting thru the homework, etc etc etc. i seem to be able to fill a whole day with domestic drudgery and still I am treading water, i.e. I am keeping everything at a status quo rather than actually achieving anything. I feel duty bound to keep on with domestic duties whilst not actually in renumerative employ. I feel guilty doing otherwise.Wondering if any one anyone else is in the same boat?

ohforfoxsake Tue 29-Jan-13 22:55:17

Yep, everything you said.

McNewPants2013 Tue 29-Jan-13 22:58:21

why do you feel the need to be a domestic goddess.

I have 2 child free day, and be damned if i spend it cleaning. I MN, go up my mums, window shop, meet friends, play computer games, surf the internet and many other things.

HousewifeFromHeaven Tue 29-Jan-13 22:58:29

I actually don't venture out of the kitchen all day due to guilt grin

LouMae Tue 29-Jan-13 23:01:05

So jealous of all that free time! I work full time, single mum, out of the house 12 hrs a day usually!

Startail Tue 29-Jan-13 23:01:07

Too much MN and not enough laundry

Hassled Tue 29-Jan-13 23:01:10

I was in that position for a long time and the main thing I learnt was that you end up treading water because you're taking longer than you need to to do anything. The stuff it used to take me a day to do I now fit in to the time between getting home from work and getting the kids in bed - I was just so inefficient before. And that was deliberate, although I wasn't conscious of it at the time.

So do stuff - go swimming, help at school, do other voluntary stuff if you can, do some online learning. Do stuff that stops you feeling like a drudge and sod the housework - you'll find the time.

WorraLiberty Tue 29-Jan-13 23:02:19

You're doing the same thing most WOHPs do except they have far less time to do it.

Me? I'm a SAHM with school aged kids.

I get most of the housework done in an hour or two and then fill my days doing whatever I want.

However, if I listed all the things I did in those 2 hours it would look like I was busy all day long...but in reality with the invention of washing machines, hoovers, online shopping, supermarkets and all the other mod cons my Mum didn't have...I'm not that busy at all.

McNewPants2013 Tue 29-Jan-13 23:02:56

as i work tue, wed and thur so i do the housework on those day.

Cezzy Tue 29-Jan-13 23:03:18

According to DH I watch Jeremy Kyle,other daytime dross and drink coffee. Maybe the odd time I get to sit down for 5 mins I do but just keeping on top of everything takes most of my time. I also work for DH doing all his admin, working from home and I reckon he has CCTV as every time I switch off the co and sit down to lunch he rings with "can you just do..." I must admit I love going shopping (food and otherwise) without Dc as I can go where I want and it costs less!

FanFuckingTastic Tue 29-Jan-13 23:04:55

Sleep. A lot.

Swim. Three times a week.

Go to slimming club. Once a week.

Go to the shops. Once a week for main food, and maybe once more for bits and pieces.

Read. Loads.

Internet. Loads.

Doctors appointments. Loads.

Very minimal cleaning as I have people who come in to do that for me, same with meal prep, although I find they cook for the kids and I now make my own as I am eating diet food.

Meeting friend for coffee/hot chocolate. Maybe once a week.

Clean out rabbit. Every few days.

That's it really.

totallyfrazzled Tue 29-Jan-13 23:05:36

Thank you Hassled - I think you have put your finger on it!

steppemum Tue 29-Jan-13 23:08:13


I do quite a lot of volunteering in the week, in school, in church, with friends etc

now the domestic stuff gets lost or squashed in the edges.

I am happier than when at home all day

amck5700 Tue 29-Jan-13 23:09:01

Yes, I work full time and I do all that stuff and still do a full day of work. You are probably dragging out the tasks to fill the day. If it was me, I'd make a list of bigger jobs that need done and activities to do and pick one each night for the following day and do the other stuff around it. For example it could be clearing out a cupboard, painting a room, selling some stuff on ebay, looking for a new marketing idea for work, planning the summer holiday, learning something new, meeting up with old friends, organising people for a night out etc etc. Then actually do it smile

BrandonFlowersHoHoHo Tue 29-Jan-13 23:09:50

I was a sham with kids at school until recently. I was bored shitless, plenty of housework to do but was fed up cleaning and tidying up just to do the exact same the next day. Now I work 5 hours a day and I'm tearing my hair out because there are not enough hours in the day. Never happy.

amck5700 Tue 29-Jan-13 23:09:54

^ having said all that, i've never been a SAHP so despite good intentions, I'd probably do exactly what you are doing grin

BrandonFlowersHoHoHo Tue 29-Jan-13 23:11:03

Ha SAHM not sham grin

amck5700 Tue 29-Jan-13 23:12:28

Ha Ha brandonflowers I though sham fitted perfectly grin

WilsonFrickett Tue 29-Jan-13 23:12:40

Spend the time I'm not freelancing building my business, ie searching for new opportunities.

I took a course - best thing ever and has opened up a whole new avenue for me.

I cycle (when the weather's better)

I read loads. And occasionally take afternoon naps.

The housework fits round my other priorities. The only thing I really enjoy doing is sorting out the recycling on a Monday (true!) and cooking. So that's all i do in my daytime freetime.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 29-Jan-13 23:18:06

Its a hard boring job. Do what makes you happy in bursts I say!

KatyTheCleaningLady Tue 29-Jan-13 23:20:30

This past autumn, I had all three boys in school and no job, yet.

I went hiking and running. Then, when the weather got too bad, I sat in a cafe and read. IT WAS AWESOME.

Brandon you're being too hard on yourself - I'm sure you were never a sham!

BrandonFlowersHoHoHo Tue 29-Jan-13 23:22:00

Some days I'd give anything to be a sham again wink

DeepRedBetty Tue 29-Jan-13 23:22:22

I was talking about this with a SAHM, the only one with secondary age children I know. Her DH works long, varied and antisocial hours but earns good money - airline pilot with BA, so he cannot commit to being around for any particular time or day.

They have done up, from near derelict, a large cottage and attached buildings, and made them into a lovely house and garden. They have done all this with virtually no tradesmen apart from a couple of specialists, notably the electrician as you're not allowed to DIY the electrics. The place looks exactly like the sort of cottage that normally has ten hours a week professional cleaning and five hours gardening and is repainted inside and out every couple of years - but she does all that. This is the second house they've done in the seven years I've known them.

I suppose you could say she's not a SAHM but a property developer...

Morloth Tue 29-Jan-13 23:22:25

Lower standards = Higher Happiness. grin

When I was a SAHM with one kid at school I did as little as possible.

It was bloody lovely!

Now I work, have two kids and life is much busier, but still really good.

I have no intention of ever working full time again if I can help it, so when DS2 starts school I will have at least a day to fritter.

DH indulges me, it works for him.

Squeakygate Tue 29-Jan-13 23:33:00

I'm about to become a ft sahm after 7 years pt worker. I'm worried I will be bored.
But I will have a preschooler full time until September.
My friend tells me it is a mind set, easy for some, not others.

FlipFlopFloss Tue 29-Jan-13 23:35:36

A bit of housework and household admin and drudgery

A bit of me time - bath, book, TV, a run, mumsnet

Shodan Tue 29-Jan-13 23:40:26

I do whatever I like, when I like. Sometimes this includes housework. Sometimes it just means twiddling my hair. Usually it means some form of exercise (running, the Shred etc)

But sometimes I do wish I had some kind of career. Not job, career.

However I am very much looking forward to learning a couple of new languages, finishing writing my book ( if only just to finish the sodding thing), maybe joining the WI-a lot of stuff, really.

BrandonFlowersHoHoHo Tue 29-Jan-13 23:42:17

I was off sick today and kids all at school, I was still bored in between throwing up. It reminded me of being a SAHM
And I just felt secluded and lonely. As much my job stresses me out at times and my housework has gone to pot, my wee job is my lifeline and I'd hate to go back to being a SAHM again.

Shodan Tue 29-Jan-13 23:44:10

I like being on my own a lot, though.

Maybe if you're more of a 'people person' the solitude might grate.

LouMae Tue 29-Jan-13 23:45:32

Really jealous of the sahm with a cleaner and a cook!

WorraLiberty Tue 29-Jan-13 23:47:36

Actually my 13yr old was off sick Thurs, Fri and Mon with a nasty virus and now my 10yr old has come down with the same thing today.

That always makes me wonder how some WOHPs manage, especially if they don't have family to help out.

BrandonFlowersHoHoHo Tue 29-Jan-13 23:49:58

See I like my own company, I don't (or I didn't) think I needed anyone but day in day out of solitude drove me mad and I was diagnosed with depression when I didn't work. Maybe living in a small village with all my friends working and no adult conversation all day didn't help.

BrandonFlowersHoHoHo Tue 29-Jan-13 23:53:09

worra thankfully my boss is amazing if the school call me to pick up a sick child or I call in because of a poorly child. I don't have any family to call on so an understanding boss is a godsend.

WorraLiberty Tue 29-Jan-13 23:56:17

Brandon that's fantastic to hear.

I was just thinking because my 13yr old had 100% attendance and yet this bug knocked him for six from Thurs to Tues and then with my other DS coming down with it...that might mean another 5 days sick but without the weekend covering part of it.

Then if I came down with it too...that could be another week or so again.

I know a lot of employers just aren't that patient.

BrandonFlowersHoHoHo Wed 30-Jan-13 00:01:57

Yeah I know what you mean. Infact I got a call today from my sick bed to pick my 13 year old up from school as he had fainted. He's fine now, but now my 5 year old is coughing her lungs up and has a temp. I don't like to think I'm seen to be taking the piss with having been sick myself and then maybe having to take tomorrow off too with sick dd. thankfully as a family we very rarely get ill, do t know what the hell is going on this week, we're dropping like flies!

rainbowsprite1 Wed 30-Jan-13 00:05:30

I have just changed my work hours (due to unsympathetic new boss about me taking time off for ill kids - long story) & now only work 1 weekend day + night & 3 other nights a week. I'm not totally a SAHM but I am during school hours, I'm loving it! If I have worked 3 late nights in a row (like now) I know that after doing the school run tomorrow I can go back to bed for an hour! Bliss!!! I'm sure after a week or so I might get bored but at the moment its great.

damppatchnot Wed 30-Jan-13 00:06:11

I want to be a sahm!

I work full time hours in 4 days and volunteer at school on Fridays teaching

I'm up at 6am and don't sit down till 9pm and still have enough time to have a hobby and have quality time with dc's age 5 and 9

When I say sit down at 9 I actually mean fall down grin

BrandonFlowersHoHoHo Wed 30-Jan-13 00:09:45


Wow, I'm impressed! grin I'm shattered ready that! Is your hobby sleeping?

LouMae Wed 30-Jan-13 00:12:58

Worra, I'm lucky in that my dad is retired so will look after ds if he's ill. Work would actually be fine with time off but I would feel guilty as I'm one of two managers in an extremely busy dept and the other manager's workload would be so heavy.

BrandonFlowersHoHoHo Wed 30-Jan-13 00:13:56


WorraLiberty Wed 30-Jan-13 00:15:55

That's what I mean Lou I don't understand how people without family cope.

HousewifeFromHeaven Wed 30-Jan-13 11:29:06

I've just put our house on the market so that'll keep me busy for a while. In fact, have just worn myself out hiding things in cupboards!

I sit around miserable and depressed, constantly searching for jobs but feeling like a complete failure

I do lot of vague wafting.

I MN, walk the dog, muck out the horse, food shop, cook, read the paper, do the crossword, visit my father, lunch with friends.

I work part time but I am taking voluntary redundancy so I will have even more wafting time.


Speedos Wed 30-Jan-13 11:36:31

Become a gym addict!

I study with OU

I volunteer

I do dps accounting and admin

And I work part time from home

I'm still bored most days tbh... I think I'd lose my mind just minding kids and doing housework all day every day.

I mean fgs, I'm curled in a chair mning with a cat curled on my lap atm. Yes I could write a very impressive sounding list of what I've done this morning but the fact is it was all done in an hour and now I'm just killing time til I can collect ds2 from playschool.

wallofdoom Wed 30-Jan-13 11:42:43

I crochet, read, knit, go for long walks and look for a part time job. I love my own company but do find it very isolating being at home all day.

KellyElly Wed 30-Jan-13 11:56:16

I work so don't have that time but if I did I would - exercise, read, nap, lunch with friends, clean (not every day though!), pamper myself (face mask, maybe a massage), take up a hobby (in my case quite fancy photography), watch a film, bit of daytime TV, if I was tired I'd go back to bed after dropping kids at school, go for a walk, sunbathe (in the summer obvs), I really could go on and on. That's why I keep doing the lottery because I have it all planned out grin

HousewifeFromHeaven Wed 30-Jan-13 11:57:12

Oh cat you're not a failure I'm sure! Times are tough for job hunters I know but something will come up soon fingers crossed

Well I've recently ditched my self-employed status as it wasn't worth doing. Dd2 is home half the week (in nursery for 2.5 days).

I've joined a gym/pool so planning to do that Weds afternoon and Friday at some time. Maybe Thursday for studying. Other than that I crochet, quilt & sew. I tend not to read much as I feel if I'm reading I should be studying hmm. Sometimes I'll just sit watching tv with a brew and relax.

I have one school-age DS and am at home all day. DH works from home as well, so we keep each other company.

I do some cleaning - although less than I used to as I was quite uptight about stuff laying around and it was getting a bit silly - shop, walk the dog, read, sew, crochet, cook, bake, and spend quite a bit of time on the internet. Oh, yeah, and I volunteer for a few hours a week.

I agree that I spend longer doing household stuff than I did when I worked fulltime, for instance, the food shopping was done at breakneck speed one night after work, whereas now I can stroll round the shop with a proper list and take my time.

When I first left work though, my youngest was two and I confess I became very lethargic and lazy for a while until I found a routine. All that extra time was a bit daunting after the hectic rush of fulltime work and parenting.

BarbarianMum Wed 30-Jan-13 12:38:50

I arse around on mumsnet grin

Washing, ironing, shopping, cooking and domestic trivia.

DIY and redecorating.

Volunteer with local Wildlife Trust, Natural History Society, am Chair of the Preschool (but only 4 another 8mo -hurrah) and Woodland Toddler Group.

Look for a job. Am a landlady to 2 properties.

If there is any time left I am occasionally moved to clean something. But luckily this doesn't happen often smile

Also housework, shopping, cleaning, cooking and domestic trivia.

forevergreek Wed 30-Jan-13 12:51:21

We work fully time, but both myself and dh had 6 months each maternity/ parental leave. I studied whilst home with baby/ies and dh made some websites. We both took up jogging with babies!

We both get a little stir crazy if nothing to do day in day out.

Groovee Wed 30-Jan-13 12:52:08

Today I am chilling because I am so overtired I will get ill if I don't rest.

Almostfifty Wed 30-Jan-13 14:35:50

I never stop. I've been a SAHM for over 22 years.

I do lots of different volunteer roles, exercise (a lot!) and do all the housework.

FanFuckingTastic Wed 30-Jan-13 18:16:14


No need to be jealous, I have a carer, rather than a chef and cleaner. So I only get that help because of how ill I am.

LouMae Wed 30-Jan-13 18:20:18

Oh gosh I'm sorry fan, my bad.

freddiefrog Wed 30-Jan-13 18:26:10

I work free-lance from home and do as little as I can get away with grin

I'm also a foster carer so some of my time is spent dealing with my FC (social workers/school/etc, etc) and about once a month I have some sort of training or carer meeting.

Rest of the time
housework - I have low standards though
I volunteer at school 2 days a week
Help on the PTA
At the moment I'm building scenery and costumes for a big production that school is taking part in
Couple of hours a day out with the dog
Meet friends for lunch/mooch round the shops

I'm actually busier now than I was when I worked full time, I'd hate to go back to full time, out of the home work

kerala Wed 30-Jan-13 18:32:26

Have part time job that earns abit of money but doesnt require me to do much. Fundraise for the school. House chores. Look for job!

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 30-Jan-13 18:36:48

My usual routine is messed up as Dc is off and hasn't been back at school a full day since December.

It was, get up, Sky news, tea and internet, wake DC, let them get dressed, chase them to brush teeth, fix hair etc... put face on, walk the dog, back home, washing on, dishes, make beds, hoover rooms, wash floors, every 2nd day do the loos and stairs, usually done by 10.30am, then college work, I do drift back here a lot though and am 3 weeks behind college work.

when I worked form home and Ds was at nursery it was, DC ready for school, one Dc for nursery, take both, shops, back home, work/mumsnet until Dc home from nursery, make cakes, dinner housework, wait until DC in bed and work again at night no mumsnet as ex was home and was envy of mumsnet.

Will add my comment and then read thread.

I am a SAHM. I'm a stay at home mum, or more appropriately, a carer - because DS has autism. When he is at school I am catching up on sleep (he thinks sleep is for the weak), having a bath/shower, ironing, mowing the lawn while DS is safely supervised elsewhere, I'm writing letters, in meetings, making phone calls, at support groups, filling in forms, studying with the OU.

It's not my choice to be a stay at home mum, I've given up my job, career prospects, etc to put my child with special needs first.

diddl Wed 30-Jan-13 18:42:23

Walk the dog & a bike ride every morning maybe some hoovering laundry in between.

In the better weather when the pool is open, then a swim as well.

Home for lunch with the children (school finishes at about 1pm)

Afternoons housework/gardening/reading/see friends...whatever.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 18:45:37

Whatever I want.

FanFuckingTastic Wed 30-Jan-13 18:46:05

Don't worry, I laughed. It's just that I'd much rather be without the need for the carer, even though I love that I can just sit back on bad days and it all gets done for me.

thebody Wed 30-Jan-13 18:57:57

Gosh, another world.

Loved being a sahm while mine were little but now youngest 12 went back to work a few years ago. Retrained to do a school friendly job and feel great contributing to our money pot.

My dh earns enough for me not to and he doesn't want me to but I can't just cycle, gym, read, coffee for the rest if my adult life! Got bored with that. Have friends who still do and feel like they are stuck in a time now gone.

Their Dcs are now older and how many lunch dates can you do?

Want my dds to see me as a woman who doesn't just make beds and cook! Fuck that!
Done that. Move on.


Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 19:01:53

I don't make beds. The children make their beds.
Plus I have a cleaner.

damppatchnot Wed 30-Jan-13 19:02:30

I breed guinea pigs so have 30 plus and they all have long hair so after cleaning out and feeding I have to bath and brush but tbh I find it v relaxing as my job is stressful ( I'm a Macmillan manager) and the volunteering at school is a pleasure as is my work at church as a catechist smile

damppatchnot Wed 30-Jan-13 19:06:32

If your a sahm why do you have a cleaner ?!

Blimey what did I get wrong???


Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 19:09:51

I have a big house and I don't like cleaning. I am lucky that I can afford it but beyond that, it's not a difficult decision.

seeker Wed 30-Jan-13 19:10:11

I keep the household running(just about) and bake and decorate about 100 cupcakes a day.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 19:11:07

Sadly I could probably eat 100 a day.

seeker Wed 30-Jan-13 19:13:21

I will never eat another one. Except the lemon and ginger ones. They are lovely. But ginger's expensive- can't eat the profit!

tiggyhop Wed 30-Jan-13 19:13:34

I work pt but in my sahm days I practise the splits

Samu2 Wed 30-Jan-13 19:15:58

Honestly, I do very little most days.

I am always on top of the housework so I don't need to spend much time on it. I wash dishes the second we are done eating, sweep around 4 times a day, clean any mess and pick up the second I see it needs doing etc so I never have to spend a long time cleaning. I have five children and 6 pets so I have to keep on top.

I spend the morning with my LO who is in nursery and after I have taken her in I often just chill out and read or play on the net. Sometimes I will prepare tea in advance too or meet a friend for dinner.

portraitoftheartist Wed 30-Jan-13 19:49:16

I am staggered at those who say they do very little, or take all day to do what working mums fit into an hour.
I feel idle and guilty if I'm not busy all day, and my DCs are older. I went back to ft work as soon as they started school.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 19:58:47

I don't feel idle or guilty.
I have a very nice life which I enjoy and I do a great deal.
It's lovely.
I don't have to be busy to justify my existence. My mother did that.

thebody Wed 30-Jan-13 20:07:19

Agree portrait, I would feel guilty and lazy as a sahm now my 4 are older

Loved being at home with them as littlies but my dh although earns a

good wage hated his job so my earnings allowed him to change to a lesser paid but less stressful one.

What sort of lazy arse would I be if I hadn't helped him out by going back to work.

However each to their own.

Why would I feel guilty? Guilty about what? I have a very nice life, very enjoyable and it suits me and the family that I don't work. I can't imagine what I would feel guilty about confused

knackeredmother Wed 30-Jan-13 20:11:29

This thread is making me very wistful , if I was a SAHM with kids at school O would exercise, sleep , declutter, clean, sort out my towering to do pile, read, sleep, sleep and sleep.

diddl Wed 30-Jan-13 20:12:11

Oh how blissful it is to feel no guilt.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 20:12:34

If you hadn't helped when it was necessary then 'lazy arse' would probably have been appropriate.
But that is not everyone's situation. Is it.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 20:14:06


I feel guilt about lots of things. It's just that 'how I spend my day' is not one of them. smile

diddl Wed 30-Jan-13 20:18:16

Oh yes, I just meant about not working even though I would have the time.

thebody Wed 30-Jan-13 20:19:10

Oh agree totally pagwatch.. I bloody loved being a sahm. However now would love to work part time. Full time is hard as its effectively 2 jobs.

I dream.

diddl Wed 30-Jan-13 20:19:47

Although I am generally busy all day.

Just not on housework!

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 20:22:13


mynameisnotmichaelcaine Wed 30-Jan-13 20:35:49

I have one day off a week. I don't do housework (apart from a spot of washing up, 1 load of laundry and an evening meal). I usually go for a run then go and meet a friend for lunch. Sometimes go to the hairdressers and to get my eyebrows done. Once every half term I help out with swimming at the kids' school. I always begrudge this quite a lot!

My Mum was a SAHM until we were in our teens. She was ALWAYS busy. She didn't sit down until about 9pm every night. Our house was absolutely immaculate. I don't think I ever saw dust until I left home to go to uni. She was an absolutely brilliant Mum, but she died at 54, never really having had the time to do things that she enjoyed, or take any time for herself. If my number comes up that early, I don't want to have spent a good proportion of my life dusting. I would rather have spent that time enjoying myself with my friends. If that makes me idle, then so be it!

kerstina Wed 30-Jan-13 20:51:07

It was never my intention to be a SAHM. I worked full-time as a dental nurse and then nursery nurse before I had my son. I stayed at home for 2 1/2 years then worked mornings as a pre-school leader at our local playgroup. I loved the job and honestly thought I would be there till I was 65! However I started to feel a bit stressed due to some problems at work and impulsively I handed my notice in.
Since leaving I have actually been quite happy at home although I do worry I am becoming a bit of a hermit. I take the responsibility for most of the chores, everything to do with DS and his school.
After I have got all the housework out of the way I make greeting cards which I sell at craft fairs. I volunteer at the same play group I worked at doing art activities with the children and I have just agreed to help with reading at DS's school. To be honest I find the thought of going back to work full-time depressing although I was not unhappy when I worked full-time iyswim.
I am an introvert though quite happy ,pottering at my own pace and do not react well to stress as I am quite sensitive. My theory is being a SAHM suits you better if you are an introvert.

MsVestibule Wed 30-Jan-13 20:55:27

I keep the Mr Men books in order.

TheCatInTheHairnet Wed 30-Jan-13 21:01:41

Everything Pag said.
Feel guilty and lazy?! Give over!

TheCatInTheHairnet Wed 30-Jan-13 21:04:32

And as for what I do all day, tomorrow I am paying someone to walk my dogs so I don't have to. And then I'm going for a mooch around the MOMA.

FanFuckingTastic Wed 30-Jan-13 21:09:00

Lazy? Nope. Guilty? The only thing I ever feel guilty about is that I couldn't be fit and well for the children, other than that, I am quite happy with the way I choose to exist. It means I can make the best of my situation.

I admire people who work and achieve more than I do around the house too, but that sort of life wouldn't be for me, simply because I couldn't manage it. Some days getting out of bed is my achievement.

bigbluebus Wed 30-Jan-13 21:10:01

I have been a SAHM for 13 yrs. DCs are both teenagers now but DD is disabled so I am her carer - although she is at school from 9.00 to 4.00.
I go to the gym 3 times a week and do voluntary work - one afternoon a week at local school and other work that is variable from week to week. I also do all the housework, all the paperwork and all of DDs appointments and meetings. I have had a very busy week this week wrt volunteering so far as well as being out 3 nights in the last 4 for various reasons - not all leisure. I have realised today why I cannot go to back to work - I am exhausted and it is only Wednesday - and I haven't even done any cleaning since the weekend!

FreudiansSlipper Wed 30-Jan-13 21:14:19

i have had a few days at home for the last few weeks and I have been very bored could have used the time to study of course

I prefer to be doing more the more I am doing the more energy I have even if I am stressed at times the less I have to do the less I make myself do I can get very lazy if things don't need to be done

belleat40 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:16:22

What do they do OP?
No idea, but I'd love to give it a go!

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 21:17:56

I think that it is different when you are on a break from work though iyswim Freudian.
Ithinkyou part of your head is saying 'yippee. Holiday!' which makes it hard to be organised or productive.
When being at home is what you do it changes that mindset.
I think even a career break suffers slightly from feeling like an absence of activity rather than being your job.

Does that makes sense?

GeorginaWorsley Wed 30-Jan-13 21:22:00

Work one day per week
other days
school run
coffee with friends
bit of housework internet shopping
school run
bliss grin

fromparistoberlin Wed 30-Jan-13 21:23:53

I work FT

however during holidays and weekends, I can see you have a point!

depends on their age though I think, small ones generate almost 1.5 hours of extra work per day??

scottishmummy Wed 30-Jan-13 21:26:26

as thought it's a doss being housewife
and a middle class doss if you have a cleaner

Agree to wafting. I don't know where the time goes. Today I made cakes, went to a BF support group (voluntary work), had a haircut, bit of internet walked the dog, made tea and made DHs packed lunch (he works nights) made biscuits and bathed children/put them to bed. Only housework was one load of washing and washing up as needed..

Pretty typical but more baking than usual and slightly less than usual wasting time on tinternet today. But it is really only 930-2.30 that I am free, with a leisurely lunch in the middle of that...poof it's time to bring them home again.

boodles Wed 30-Jan-13 21:29:51

I was a sahm for years. I used to exercise and deal with the drudge of housework whilst slowly slipping into deeper depression. I now work p/t, drop kids at school, go to work, finish work, pick kids up. Although I have never been busier the improvement in my mental health is worth it, for me. I also get the best of both worlds, the children still get my time and I am their main carer and I get to work.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Wed 30-Jan-13 21:35:15

I go for walks or play sports nearly every day. Today I went for two walks each about 5 miles long.

I have a cleaner who irons, cleans and does the laundry. She comes in several times a week. I still do some cleaning/organising

I volunteer for half a day a week, sometimes it is a day a week.

I do lots of DIY, woodwork, car maintanence and gardening. I love gardening.

I go for coffees with pals two, three or even more times a week. Often after exercise.

I go to the supermarket. I tend to buy little and often.

I do paperwork.

I cook and bake nice food.

I MN and play candy crush but don't tell anyone blush

I read

I go to London, other random cities, stately homes, gardens etc etc with pals

I phone my Mum

I haven't enough hours in the day. grin

FreudiansSlipper Wed 30-Jan-13 21:36:36

not for me no

by the time ds was 2 I was bored being at home I need more structure in my life it is just not for everyone. I started studying and working part time ds was then at nursery so sometimes I would still have a few days at home I just get very lazy I would start to nap in the day and feel tired by 9

I am not disciplined enough to make good use of the time I get lazy. From next week I have full on training followed by new work placement (part of my studies) and still studying and feel happy that I shall be very busy

ohforfoxsake Wed 30-Jan-13 21:39:00

I think the mental health issue is massive. My brain has slowed right down and I do get upset about it occasionally.

Today I went to the movies - its a lovely, decadent thing to do. But what I really want to do is go into an office and file something.

Spookey80 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:41:16

Interesting thread. Lovely to be there to care for your children,, but for me I wouldn't want my dcs to grow thinking that all my mum does I'd clean, cook and wait on me. I feel it's important to be a sting role model.

Spookey80 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:42:50


Spookey80 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:43:35

I didn't even really mean strong, because that is a different thing, but I couldn't think of the right thing to put!

fromparistoberlin Wed 30-Jan-13 21:44:54

I really love the way some sahms are so blissful. my dp is a sahd , so i hope he can be as happy as you lot!

I work FT, but in general enjoy it

horses for courses

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Wed 30-Jan-13 21:46:55

You can be a SAHM and a strong role model. hmm. I am and my teen/young adult DC's think I am.

Was a sahm for a while when the dc were little but now work pt and enjoy the adult conversation and the satisfaction i get from my job (and the money obviously). Ive always thought if we were loaded i would love to be a wafty lady of leisure - but only if we were so rich that neither dh or i had to work and we could opt out of the rat race completely and spend months on end seeing the world. Not holding my breath for that one!

BaconAndAvocado Wed 30-Jan-13 21:52:26

This thread really strikes a chord with me.

My youngest started school last September and I work 2 days a week. The other 3 days I spend doing housework, shopping (food shop and nice shop) meet friends for coffee but the overriding feeling I've had recently is that of being bereft.

Hard though it was, I really miss having my toddlers around. sad

I plan to go into DCs classes to help, which means I'll get to see them and have a nose!

I want to go 'nice' shopping! What is that? Does it involve cake or shoes?

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Wed 30-Jan-13 22:00:17

I imagine nice shopping involves both cake and shoes. It probably involves John Lewis too. It doesn't involve Lidl.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 30-Jan-13 22:00:44

I love being a SAHM now my children are older. I found it much more of a challenge when they were tiny. I went back to work full time for 18 months but was glad to be able to stop.

I do the housework quickly and keep it relatively clean with little effort. I sort stuff out, clean out animals, cook complicated and delicious meals in a leisurely manner, maintain a large garden, hang out with my preschooler in the afternoons, do the odd day of supply teaching at the local school and read a lot. I also move what seems like lots of wood into the house daily and meet my friends for coffee. I volunteer one morning a week.

I love it and feel incredibly lucky to be able to live my life like this.

TheCatInTheHairnet Wed 30-Jan-13 22:01:08

It's ludicrous to suggest you can't be a strong role model and be a SAHM. Surely, being a strong role model is doing the best at everything you do, leading by example, having strong princies and realizing when you're wrong, to name just a few. It has nothing whatsoever to do with which member of the family vacuums the living room floor.

TheCatInTheHairnet Wed 30-Jan-13 22:01:55

Not sure what planet auto correct was on there!! grin

AngelsWithSilverWings Wed 30-Jan-13 22:04:40

My free time is btw school runs so 9:35 - 2:45 and I fit the housework and cooking around the following activities:

Monday - 5k run, ironing ( I blitz it once a week)

Tues - Gym ( takes up about 1.5 hours or longer if I treat myself to some spa time)

Wed - coffee with friend/ shopping or attack a project in the house ( if weather nice, a bit of gardening )

Thurs - 5k run in morning ,volunteer work in afternoon

Fri - same as Wednesday really

I have no problem filling my time but my house is quite big and the cleaning alone would take over my life if I let it. Some days ( rarely!)I do absolutely nothing but sit with my feet up reading or watching TV and it's lovely.

Greensleeves Wed 30-Jan-13 22:05:22

I loved being with my children whe they were tiny, but as they got a bit bigger it did start to grate on me that I wasn't "contributing", that I didn't have a career to go back to and didn't know whether I had a future or not. I suffer from depressio ad anxiety anyway (long-term v strong medication and I still struggle). I felt lonely and miserable and sort of humiliated, and left out when other people said "thank god it's Friday" etc

I think I had a lot of residual shame about not achieving the undefined "great future" my family and school etc expected from me

I started volunteering at preschool when ds1 was there, he was diagnosed with AS when he was 6 and I got to know the school and preschool well through having a lot of involvement with them. I hung around sweeping floors and making tea and eventually they started offering me paid cover work. By the time ds2 left there, I was more or less full-time, then a year later they finally gave me a contract, but for fewer hours. It took me a long time to pluck up courage and feel I was "good enough" but I applied for PGCE, finished it last year.

Now I'm an NQT and there are no bloody jobs where I live! So I am doing a bit of supply, but am basically back to being stuck in the house on my own all day, and am fighting a losing battle against depression and feelings of failure again. Back to not doing the housework, not doing anything else because I feel guilty about not doing the housework, not going to bed till the small hours because I have accomplished nothing all day..

SORRY self-pitying rant there blush but vaguely linked to the OP. I think the feelings of "should be doing XXX" are the source of the trouble. I envy people who can just say "fuck it, I'll go and sit in a cafe with a book then".


happybubblebrain Wed 30-Jan-13 22:09:22

I would love to be a SAHM with kid's at school. Heaven.
I'd spend about 15 minutes doing housework, then put on my pjamas, bake some biscuits, watch the Wright Stuff, This Morning, The Real Housewives, go to the cinema, go to the gym (maybe), make some crafts, bake a pie, grow herbs, paint my nails, plan holidays, phone people, Pinterest for hours on end, photograph everything, sort out my sock drawer. What a wonderful life.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 30-Jan-13 22:10:01

sorry you are having a shit time Greensleeves. The job market is a nightmare at the moment for teachers around here too.

whatyoulookinat Wed 30-Jan-13 22:10:15

Go to the gym 4 mornings a week, see friends, Shop & cook.

FanFuckingTastic Wed 30-Jan-13 22:12:42

I don't think I am weak role model for my children, but then perhaps I am deluding myself.

I've learned my lesson about biting off more than I can chew and would prefer to err on the side of laziness.

I have smaller expectations, I am a Carer to my youngest child (in the sense that I get paid to care for her as opposed to someone else having to do it), she would be a full time job, with someone to do nights shifts as well, to anyone else but me.

Accepting that I have to sleep in the day quite often to catch up on the sleep I miss at night, and drown out my mother's accusing voice telling me I am lazy to do so, took me a little while.

Accepting that my body can't do as much as the norm took a while too. I have limited spoons and I use them carefully.

Some people thrive in busy environments, other people don't. Personally I could live like this my whole life and be happy, so long as I can read and get out and about when I want to.

I got a rabbit for company, he's enough for me most days, especially since my carer is a good person to chat to, and my friends are at my fingertips on facebook.

MiniEggsinJanuary Wed 30-Jan-13 22:12:45

I clean the house obsessively, garden, walk the dog, bake, play sports, write my novel, have lunch with friends, go shopping etc. Turns out there is a lot to fill my days. And I thought I might find it boring when I was working!!

FanFuckingTastic Wed 30-Jan-13 22:13:51


I do lose whole days to Pinterest.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 22:17:27

Fortunately I don't wait on my children, only clean a bit and think cooking is a marvellous life kill which I am happily teaching them. So I can be whatever role model I chose really.

oldraver Wed 30-Jan-13 22:17:45

Today I went back to bed (as I needed it, not a regular occurance). Tomorrow I will go shopping.

I do not feel guilty, its hard work in the past that allows me to now be a SAHM.

GetOrf Wed 30-Jan-13 22:18:17

Greensleeves that sounds grim - bloody god on you for doing your pgce. It seems very tough for teachers at the moment. I hope things improve for you soon.

I have never been a SAHM and think my life would unravel if I didn't have the structure of work. I am a lazy fucker by nature so know I would probably treat it as a doss - sit on the sofa all day. I also tend to misanthropy and low thoughts so think being on my own without interaction of work would be a bad thing. I don't really like working from home for long periods for the same reason.

Certainly believe that a SAHM can be a strong role model for their children - absolutely. SAHMism doesn't mean drudgery or being a sell-out, not at all. Everyone is individual and makes choices to suit their own circumstances and wants.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 22:24:28

X-posted Greenie.

I know where you are coming from. The 'should be doing x' is awful - often I think driven into us by our childhoods. Women need to be useful and evidently so or they are lazy.
My mum and dad worked long hours but at the end of the day he sat own while mum was getting school uniforms together or ironing or making him a cup of tea.
I also felt I should be curing DS2. But that's a whole other thread.

It's crap isn't it.

LouMae Wed 30-Jan-13 22:55:04

I find this thread so interesting as I don't know any sahm in real life, all my friends work.

Passthesherry Wed 30-Jan-13 23:23:37

I am a SAHM with 2 dds, aged 3 and 5.

It's coming up to two years and...I love it. As a former shift worker, and manager, I am STILL enjoying the freedom of not having to think about work when at home, being rung for advice on days off, having to be away from the kids overnight, certain evenings, and part of most weekends.

I love being able to provide the consistency in dropping them off and picking both dd's up from school, even though it means I'm trotting back and forth several times a day (as one is on half days, and the other is on full days). I love being there every evening, and tucking them in bed, reading bedtime stories. I love that every time one of them falls ill - I can just pick them up and bring them home, without it causing a massive disruption to mine or their Dad's work day. I love being able to have quality family time every weekend where we do actually go out as a family. I love not having the headache of sorting out childcare in school holidays. I love that both dd's seem really happy, are affectionate, doing well at school etc. In short I think being a SAHM to young children is pretty lovely, a great time in my life and I think/hope it will go towards my dds' memories of their childhood as a happy time too.

For that reason - I believe that there is a lot of value in it, and don't feel guilty at all, for not bringing home a wage. The reason why Mums and motherhood, isn't placed in higher esteem and given more financial renumeration isn't my doing, it's society's. Without me smoothing the way, both in terms of cutting out childcare costs, providing consistency and also being the link for playdates, and social activities, ensuring the kids eat healthily, do homework, see friends etc. - everyone else in the family would soon be having a much harder and more miserable time. So no I don't feel like I 'should' be doing more cleaning etc. out of guilt. They are lucky to have me around! I do what can be done in the day, and then I am also 'off-duty' when it comes to housework! Extras can be caught up with on the weekends, with the rest of the family helping out as well.

WillowinGloves Wed 30-Jan-13 23:36:06

I'm a SAHM and friends who work outside the home occasionally make remarks about all the things they would do if they were at home ... from which I deduce that no matter how polite they are, they really think I sit on my backside all day! In fact, I do work freelance (which can expand to as much as I have time for) but I never get through the endless housework (how does anyone?!). DH self-employed, works long hours so I do every last thing in the house. There are no shortcuts to food because food intolerances mean everything has to be home-made. But I have no problem in filling the hours from 8 to 4. Doing all the errands and housework in the day then frees me up to focus on the kids when they come home - they couldn't do after school activities if I wasn't there to drive them, I help with homework (OK, sometimes I just nag) and I'm just there to listen. I am also here when they are ill or have the apparently endless flow of inset days/study leave/snow days/medical appointments etc. Like another poster above, I also have a child with SN and that requires a lot of extra support and time. Yes I get lonely and lack adult conversation and sometimes I feel useless when I hear of full-time working mums who seem to do it all, but I know what I am personally capable of and this is it. If I tried to do more, no one would get the best of me, employer or family. Besides, all too soon my children will move on and I reckon I'll have time enough then if anyone will employ me. (Oh, and I've also done a degree and learned a new language - that keeps my brain going.) Want to do some volunteering next!

AmIthatWintry Wed 30-Jan-13 23:45:11

Sounds like bliss

Would love to go to the gym - at any time actually, not just during the day.

Tomorrow, my eyebrows will be done during my lunch break

I'd love to nap to recharge my batteries.

I'd love to spend time doing housework instead of falling asleep on the sofa, whenever I get the chance to sit down in the evening after coming home from work and sorting DD out.

I'd love to keep my weekends to spend nice time with DD, instead of trying to keep on top of everything that has had to slide during the week.

Would be great

stopgap Thu 31-Jan-13 00:03:56

I'm a SAHM to a 17-month-old (well, I freelance two afternoons per week).

When I'm home with my son, I:

Take him to the Met, MoMa or to the Natural History Museum (I'm in Manhattan)
Walk our dogs
Take him to the zoo
Go squirrel and horse-spotting in Central Park
Go to music classes/free readings at the library/soft play/puppet shows
Go for a morning run with son in the jogging stroller
Cook the evening meal/spruce the place a bit/do laundry
Meet my mum friends

I hate being indoors and I'm lucky to have a cleaner two days a week. Three evenings a week I go to the gym, and two evenings I go out with my husband or with friends, thanks to our fantastic student babysitter and a child who's in bed by 7pm. I'm grateful for everything, as I certainly didn't grow up with such a lifestyle.

chewingguminmyhair Thu 31-Jan-13 00:21:10

I don't know any SAHM either.

TraineeBabyCatcher Thu 31-Jan-13 00:38:12

When I was a stay at home mum (ds in morning nursery) I was terribly bored most of the time he was out the house. I found it didn't take much time to keep the house tidy and clean and ensure the washing was all done, and though I swam most mornings I still couldn't fill my time.

Now I long for the days when I'm not working a 12.5hr shift or a 8-5 with 3/4 hours studying afterwards.

anonymosity Thu 31-Jan-13 00:55:35

Now they're at school, I do procrastinate about the housework, sort out bigger plans, read HUGE amounts, walk a lot and previously, before they were at school I
a) learned to drive
b) joined a charity and worked for that
c) took a writing course
all the above in the hope of not losing my mind not running a company anymore.
But they are always fed, clean, homeworked, music practised, entertained and read to. Tight ship.

Arisbottle Thu 31-Jan-13 01:15:54

I clearly have got something very wrong, I have just finished work after starting at 7am. I start again in 6 hours. Not sure how DH would react if I said that I was going to become a full time wafter, supported by him.

Morloth Thu 31-Jan-13 01:28:24

I had a cleaner when I was a SAHM. It has to be said though, I am very lazy - I do not view this as a character flaw, merely the sensible response to life. grin

DH loved having me at home. He never had to do much around the house, all childcare issues sorted, all running around done etc.

It was lovely for ALL of us.

It suited us then, then things moved on so it didn't suit us anymore and we changed.

All good.

I do acknowledge that I get a bloody easy ride in life though!

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 31-Jan-13 07:11:52

Oh Stopgap your life sounds lovely! I love New York.

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 31-Jan-13 07:28:49

I wonder if the posters who don't know any SAHMs are a lot younger than me? I'm almost 43 and in my area most of the mums I know are SAHM.

I was 36 when my first DC came along and the economy was still booming. I had a great well paid job and we had bought our house when prices were still fairly affordable. We had loads of savings and me giving up work was just something we automatically decided would be right for us , especially as we are adopted parents.

If I was 36 now and a new mum I don't think I'd feel confident enough about the economy to give up a well paid job.

But then again I just don't know how I could have done my old job , including the commute into London and got back in time to collect the DC's from a CM or nursery.

I do really admire my WOHM friends. They never get any time to themselves and when the DCs are sick they lose their annual leave. They have all told me that they would give up in a heart beat if finances allowed.

JenaiMorris Thu 31-Jan-13 07:29:42

I know loads of SAHMs, even though ds is at secondary school. I often wondered what they got up to, other than baking and pilates but daren't ask, so this is interesting.

I was always quite envious of them (despite having no interest in baking or pilates), but there are a few who are struggling to find jobs now after over a decade out of the workplace - that must be a pretty crap position to be in.

JenaiMorris Thu 31-Jan-13 07:32:59

Angels the SAHMs I know all had their DCs in their late 30s/40s and are generally pretty well off with tiny mortgages (having bought at the right time and many years before).

Lesbeadiva Thu 31-Jan-13 07:45:10

I have a three and five year old. Youngest is only on nursery in the afternoons. Mornings I do quick housework, then work until 11am from home. Feed dd, take her to nursery, grab a quick lunch, study for my degree in the afternoon, pick up kids, do clubs etc, back home for tea, bed , then work again in the evenings. I write for three magazines and it keeps me busy. I love it. I also have some time when I am not writing. I go for walks, take photographs etc.
I could never work 9-5.

I love the freedom of being my own boss!

scottishmummy Thu 31-Jan-13 07:53:05

a lot of you do tasks,jollies,gym paid for by your partner?and bit domestic stuff
what do you tell your daughters about work,ambition.stick in at school and marry well?
because to live a mn housewife life you generally do need a solvent partner

Morloth Thu 31-Jan-13 07:56:33

Phew, lucky I don't have any daughters!

If I did I would tell her to make sure she could always stand on her own two feet and to marry someone who makes her life better.

That is what I did.

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 08:03:40

My lifestyle is not paid for by my DH.
Some women have money. Shockingly. Some women have earnt, invested, done all sorts of things. Some have other responsibilities.
Life is not a cookie cutter existence. In spite of the wish for the dull to make it so.

earlgreyplease Thu 31-Jan-13 08:03:41

Today I prepared one child for school whilst nursing other ( ill with nasty cold) took well child to school with usual paraphanalia whilst persuading dp to stay with patient. Tidied kitchen, stripped 4 beds loaded washing machine, loaded dishwasher, did general house tidy. Waited for nanny/cleaner to arrive so I could go off to do some work. Rush home from job, kiss poorly child, grab the car, rush to collect other dc from school, finish ironing not done by cleaner, Cook supper for dc's, do homework with well dc, put dc's in bath, rush to Tesco's, get home, unload and put away, dose sick child. Tidy up after our supper.
Please tell me how there is any time left over in a typical school day to do anything else??
I have no problem with working full time, in fact I'd like to work more, and I certainly wouldn't miss the cleaning/ironing etc etc. My problem is that I want to take my dc to school, I want to pick them up. I want to help them with their homework, I want to cook them home cooked nutritional meals and I want to bath them and put them to bed myself, especially when dh is away/working late.
Think I have ranted and deviated off subject a bit, but I do find the balance between enjoying being a SAHM and using the time really effectively a tricky one.

scottishmummy Thu 31-Jan-13 08:05:53

yes but most housewife depend on partner to maintain the the thread

Chandon Thu 31-Jan-13 08:07:04

Scottishmummy, that is not how I see it.

The money coming in is OUR money, the same way that if I were to work, it would also be OUR money. That is how partnerships work. When DH was out of work, and I was the one earning, I did not consider it just MY money either.

In some set ups, it works well to have one partner out earning, never having to worry about kids of sick, inset days, school holidays, and another partner at home.

The family is a unit, and the money does not just belong to the wage- earner.

Some people, maybe those who are or have been previously been in a relationship where they were not treated as an equal, valued part of the relationship, find this hard to believe. ( not saying that is you, do not know about your personal circumstances).

Chandon Thu 31-Jan-13 08:08:21

I would say my partner depends on me, as much as I depend on him!

If one of us pulled out, the whole thing would collapse.

scottishmummy Thu 31-Jan-13 08:08:44

so daughters,would you encourage them marry well like mummy,stay at home
how do you channel and encourage ambition/career if option of being housewife
do you think sons can marry well, be a househusband,would you be ok with this

Morloth Thu 31-Jan-13 08:09:03

So, good for them.

Why should life be all about working? If you can get make a deal with someone and make each other happy with it, why not?

You get one go at life, if you can arrange it so you get to enjoy it then why not?

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 08:11:05

In my experience a lot of women become sahms when their child has SN.
I was never going to be a sahm but DS2s difficulties turned our lives upside down and something had to give.
This may not mean that they would class themselves as full time carers but a 'regular' family may have led them down a different path.

There are lots of reasons why women end up at home.

scottishmummy Thu 31-Jan-13 08:11:17

of course housewife see it as shared money.but pragmatically housewife didnt earn it.
they spend it, gym,cake,books shopping if this thread anything to go by

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 08:13:23

Actually my DH married well so I am not sure how to answer that.

I do hope they become good people with imagination and empathy. If that helps

Doyouthinktheysaurus Thu 31-Jan-13 08:16:23

I work 3 nights so the rest of the time is mine!

I do as little housework as possible, run lots, relax, shop a bit, bake sometimes and crochet lots. That's it really.....

I'm fortunate in that my job is satisfying and stimulating but also very stressful so doing 3 nights is the perfect balance in terms of time to recover mentally and physically.

I've never been a 9-5 worker so not having time off in the day horrifies me. Before dc's I worked day shifts so still had that time when DH was working and I love it!

I am also infinitely lazy so not having too much to do is absolute bliss for megrin DH finds it hard to sitcom do little, so at the weekend he will potter about doing not much but looking busy, whereas I will rush through jobs so I can sit and read, crochet or go MN.

JenaiMorris Thu 31-Jan-13 08:19:21

SM if any of the long-term SAHMs I know had daughters (they don't, funnily enough) by the time those girls reached 12 or so they'd be thinking that being out of the workplace for such an extended period is not such a good idea grin

In all seriousness though I do wonder if these friends' future DILs might struggle if their husbands expect them to give up their careers to look after them and their children.

freerangelady Thu 31-Jan-13 08:21:14

Scottish mummy - I'm about to become a Sahm for a bit. Literally as I'm overdue now!! I have a degree from one of the top 5 universities in the world, an 8 year career in industry followed by 3 years of running my own business. I'm financially independent enough to be able to still pay my way whilst I sah.

Partly luck, partly hard work and partly waiting until I was in my early 30s to get married. We are mortgage free due to hard wok (and luck) admittedly in our 20's. even if I decided never to work again and either study or do voluntary work how on earth will my future daughter not see me as a success in life.

And even if I was dependent on dh why on earth is that a bad example? Women can be independent but then want to do what they see as best in life for their family and kids. There are plenty of people in careers that mean that you have virtually no life unless one partner sah. That doesn't have to be the mum - and hurrah to those ladies I say. If you have to work, fine, if you want to work, fine and if you want to sah and can afford it without benefits, fine.

Badvoc Thu 31-Jan-13 08:21:41

Scottishmummy...I mostly sit around in my pants watching Jeremy Kyle and drinking cider. I think that's what you want to hear, isn't it? So you can judge some more?
As for encouraging girls not to be a sahm...don't know. I have sons.
I would hope that whatever they do they find it rewarding and are happy.
Agree with pag, had ds1 not had significant health problems, and then sen, maybe I would have gone back to work pt. but then ds2 came along.
I didn't actually marry well in the monetary sense, but we get by, the children want for nothing and we are happy.
But you don't want to hear that, do you?
Are you so narrow minded you cannot grasp the very simple premise that not everyone wants to be a wage slave til they are nearly 70?
They want to raise their kids, not outsource it, they want to care for their own home, not outsource it, the want to do voluntary work that they are passionate about rather than a minimum wage drudge job?
Perhaps like me they have frail ill parents to care for too?
And yes, I do see our money is shared. If I wasn't at home with the children he wouldn't be able to do his moon and earn the money in the first place.
We are a team.
Simple really.

JenaiMorris Thu 31-Jan-13 08:24:00

Can you imagine still being a SAHM when your child is 12 though, free?

There's a difference between taking a few years out and being a SAHM long after your children have started school.

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 31-Jan-13 08:24:10

Funnily enough one of my WOHM friends posted on her Facebook yesterday asking mothers of daughters to tell them to marry a rich man! She was having a particularly bad day.

It's not that cut and dried though. I didn't marry a rich man , I married a man who was equal to me in status at work. I saved a lot of money while I was working ( for 18 years) and invested it carefully. When I gave up work I handed him enough to pay off my half of the mortgage. Since then his career has really taken off. Becoming a father gave him the drive and ambition he needed. He works very long and erratic hours ( as I did when I worked in the same field) and he could not do that if he needed to take an equal share of the childcare.

We are a partnership. We both enjoy what we do. I do not ever feel that I'm living off him. Without me being at home his job wouldn't last 5 minutes. He'd have to take a lower paid job and the job I'd be in wouldn't cover the shortfall in his salary.

My message to my daughter will be to work hard to provide for the life she wants. I hope she gets to enjoy her life as much as I do.

diddl Thu 31-Jan-13 08:27:35

I´m a SAHM to teens-so shoot me!

I´ve got the chance & I´m grabbing it.

Perhaps coloured by the fact that my mum died before she retired.

If I live to the same age as my mum & her mum, I´ve got 13yrs left.

My children are 15 & 16.

Morloth Thu 31-Jan-13 08:28:28

I married well.

Not actually ashamed of that. I didn't marry him for his money (he didn't have any then).

Would be lying however if I didn't consider his potential to provide for a family when deciding whether to marry him or not.

Not my problem if other people make different decisions.

I am back at work now, it is good, the mortgage will be gone a lot sooner. But staying home when I did was excellent.

DH totally bankrolled that, he was happy to and I was happy to be 'kept'.

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 08:28:42

My DC all know about my career and they are bright enough to understand why our life is as it is. DS is at uni with career plans and ambitions. DD wants to be just like him.
Our children don't mimic our lives. Being a role model is important but we are not the template for our children's lives. It's more complicated than that.

sittinginthesun Thu 31-Jan-13 08:29:18

About half of my friends are SAHMs. I have always worked part time, but finish in time to do school pickup.

A part of me has always been a bit envious at times, but now the children are older, I know that I simply could not spend my days wandering around the shops, or meeting for coffee.

But then I'm the daughter of a SAHM. From the age of 14 upwards, I secretly wished she worked, as I thought she had such a wasted life.

Just my experience.

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 08:31:09

DH wants to retire in a couple of years aged late 40s.
I wonder if he will endlessly have to explain himself.

Aftereightsarenolongermine Thu 31-Jan-13 08:33:54

I would love to go back to work dcs aged 14 & 10. However sometimes life throws things at you that you don't expect. People think I live a charmed life because I'm always smiling. They don't see the daily medication I have to take just to be able to get out of bed in the morning, bumped into someone a few weeks ago who couldn't believe it was me as she said you look like a 'cripple hunched over a walking stick'. Funny that she's not made any snidey comments to me about what I do all day. & yes I have a cleaner & have family help me out most days. & do u know why because I bloody need it! Off back to bed now till today's meds kick in.

Oblomov Thu 31-Jan-13 08:34:35

I work p/t, 3 days per week. When ds2 starts school in Sept, I will have 2 days to myself. I can't wait!! Taking notes of all the things you lit do .......

Aftereightsarenolongermine Thu 31-Jan-13 08:35:08

Oh yes in a previous life I was a partner in a law firm.

Almostfifty Thu 31-Jan-13 08:42:50

I don't think I've wasted my life, and I've only one left at school.

We've discussed me going back to work more than once, but my DH is of the opinion that if I'm happy with what I do, he's happy.

If I sat around on my backside all day, and the house was a tip, I doubt he would be happy, but I don't. I never have. I've also volunteered since my youngest went to playgroup, doing more and more as my boys got older.

My sons see me as happy and fulfilled being at home. They know I had a good job before I became a SAHM, and they know I gave it up because one of us had to. It would have cost more than my salary to have our children looked after whilst I worked. They wouldn't have been able to do all the activities they did when they were younger. We have no family near us, so any time one of them was sick or off school we would have had hassle finding someone to look after them, and I know our lives are much easier and stress free because we decided I'd stay at home.

Every now and again I think I'd like to work. Then something happens to make me realise we're much better off with me being at home. The house is clean and tidy, there is always clean, ironed clothing, food in the fridge, a home cooked meal every night and I have always been home when they come in from school to ask about their day and chat to them.

Yes, I go to the gym. Yes, I occasionally have coffee or lunch with friends. What's wrong with an hour or two to myself a week?

chewingguminmyhair Thu 31-Jan-13 08:52:20

Angels - perhaps it is an age thing. I know of SAHMs but they are much older than my friends and I. But then I don't think anyone I know could afford not to work.

I would never want to be a SAHM unless I had enough money in the bank to ensure I could support myself to a decent standard forever. So I suppose that would be several million or something (considering my potential salary until retirement). I couldn't bear to be one of the women on here who gets left by their partner/left their partner themselves having not worked for 20 years. Of course you hope that doesn't happen but...

Also I think I'd have to find something more interesting to do when the kids went to school. Each to their own of course but it all sounds rather dull long term. Added to that I like work and plan to make my professional mark on the world, I don't think it's for me. Of course I hope I am able to somehow find that balance when our children come! Hopefully soon smile

freerangelady Thu 31-Jan-13 09:05:42

Jenai - yes I can. We live rurally so there will be school runs and after school clubs to sort out. I also think its important to be there for your kids for quite a long time. If we are financially well off enough for me not to have to work why would I? Its partly my pre dc worl that would have enabled the situation. Yes, I would want to do something productive with my time but I know what I'd do - either a masters/phd in the subject I'm passionate about/ being involved on committees and things for my other passion/ voluntary work, especially locally in my village.

However, I am extremely lucky to have 2 things - a business that runs itself if I keep an eye on it and that if I want to return to part time I can.

Not everyone Is or wants to be a wage slave. Some have higher ambitions, others have other priorities in life and quite rightly so. How boring would the world be if we all did 9 - 5.

WadingThroughTreacle Thu 31-Jan-13 09:06:27

I've really enjoyed reading this thread. I have been a SAHM for nearly 9 years. In the beginning, I took redundancy after my first child and a very pleasant time that was, as I had a financial cushion. I because pregnant with my second child 3 years later and life was a bit tougher, not so much savings, recession hit but we were still okay, just squeezed financially more. I found life a lot harder, financially and my second child not as easy but I plodded through but it certainly wasn't the same as the first 2 or 3 years at home. Turns out that my younger child almost certainly is ASD, which explains why I found things so much tougher with him as a toddler. The last 2 years have been taken up with sorting out school issues, he has only been full time for the last term. During this time we also had a bereavement which took up lots of hospital visits. Once my child's schooling is properly sorted, still ongoing, I am not sure what I will do. Part of me wants to stay at home as it's the only break I get, even though there is always stuff to do and another part of me wants to go back to work. Life is supposed to be about choices though. I don't buy into this thing that women HAVE to have a career to get the respect and set an example to their daughters. Anyway, I don't have daughters, and judging by the threads on here as a mil, I will be wrong whatever I do!!! Seriously, though, choices in life. And sometimes it isn't choice anyway, it's circumstances.

JenaiMorris Thu 31-Jan-13 09:20:44

free, studying and running a business (even if it runs itself) isn't the same as "only" (note the "s there please!) running a house and looking after children!

cherrrylips Thu 31-Jan-13 09:25:14

I became a sahm when DS was diagnosed with SN. He is 14 now, and it would be a bit easier to work now that he has a suitable school and fewer appointments. Before that it was pretty much impossible to work as he needed quite a lot of therapy and could only attend school p/t.

I am doing a degree p/t now, I do some voluntary work, plus I have my own health issues which require a lot of clinic appointments. I spend a fair bit of time pottering around, but the other commitments mean it wouldn't be practical to look for work anyway. I would get bored without my study or voluntary work and I think adult social contact and the structure of attending classes/having deadlines are important. But financially I don't need to work (we are mortgage free and have a healthy amount of savings, about half in my name) and fortunately DH and I are both happy with this arrangement.

legalalien Thu 31-Jan-13 09:29:31

I'm full time sahm at the moment, have justnfinished a masters degree and deciding what to do next. Dh is away working overseas and have no family support so am a bit reluctant to throw myself back into a demanding career-type job... But after a couple of months am getting a bit restless and conscious of the potential cv gap. So am half heartedly looking for the perfect part time role... Need to get my act together!

freerangelady Thu 31-Jan-13 09:30:28

True. I suppose I get funny about it because I know my friends all think I'm going to be living the life of Riley but they don't see what happens within the family. I guess I'm just trying to make the points that people might look like Sahm but also do all sorts of things behind the family scenes.

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 31-Jan-13 09:42:57

Jenai - when my youngest is 12 I'll be 50.

In the job I used to do everyone had this plan to retire at 50. Everyone was stashing money away to make sure it happened. I was one of the oldest women in my office when I was 36. We had a few older people who had taken early retirement but came back to work one day a week as freelance consultants just to keep their hands in.

I very much doubt the situation is the same now.

I won't be going back to work when I'm 50 unless I want or need to.

JenaiMorris Thu 31-Jan-13 09:44:07

envy Angels grin

earlgreyplease Thu 31-Jan-13 09:44:32

Today I prepared one child for school whilst nursing other ( ill with nasty cold) took well child to school with usual paraphanalia whilst persuading dp to stay with patient. Tidied kitchen, stripped 4 beds loaded washing machine, loaded dishwasher, did general house tidy. Waited for nanny/cleaner to arrive so I could go off to do some work. Rush home from job, kiss poorly child, grab the car, rush to collect other dc from school, finish ironing not done by cleaner, Cook supper for dc's, do homework with well dc, put dc's in bath, rush to Tesco's, get home, unload and put away, dose sick child. Tidy up after our supper.
Please tell me how there is any time left over in a typical school day to do anything else??
I have no problem with working full time, in fact I'd like to work more, and I certainly wouldn't miss the cleaning/ironing etc etc. My problem is that I want to take my dc to school, I want to pick them up. I want to help them with their homework, I want to cook them home cooked nutritional meals and I want to bath them and put them to bed myself, especially when dh is away/working late.
Think I have ranted and deviated off subject a bit, but I do find the balance between enjoying being a SAHM and using the time really effectively a tricky one.

MmeGuillotine Thu 31-Jan-13 09:46:31

I write novels in between doing a bit of housework, blogging, cooking and reading. My husband earns a more than respectable wage but I also live on my more than respectable revenue from my books. I don't intend going back to work ever again - I have Aspergers and found office politics very difficult to deal with so this is a good thing for everyone, I think. grin

AmberSocks Thu 31-Jan-13 09:52:41

I am a sahm,i home ed my kids but they dd try school for a term last year and i was so bored!and that was with a new baby and 2 at home for half days.It was like groundhog day,i dont know how anyone does it its so boring.(it was for me anyway)

WillowinGloves Thu 31-Jan-13 10:39:17

I don't know about passing on role models as a SAHM but my DD doesn't seem to have any issues planning her future career - and anyway, she knows I used to work. On the other hand, my DS has already said he would like to be a SAHD! So maybe I'm a role model for changing times!
I also don't buy the idea that only pre-school/primary kids need SAHMs. Teens also need support - mental and physical, after-school activities which can get quite intensive as they reach a higher level and homework at the critical GCSE stage.
And please - not all SAHMs have cleaners, gym subs and paid off mortgages! Some just give up holidays, house-repairs, clothes, cinema, takeaways, magazines, petrol and all the things my working friends are justifiably able to take for granted. Life takes us all different ways and all are valid!

seeker Thu 31-Jan-13 11:22:29

Feel the need to clarify that the baking I mentioned earlier is for money. Not personal consumption.........!

Part of it for me is that I would feel uncomfortable thinking that DH was carrying 100% of the financial burden for our (big) family. I grew up in a family with a SAHM and a dad who worked long (and stressful) hours with his own business - although then it was unusual not to have a mum at home <showing my age>. My dad had always planned to work hard/retire young but out of the blue he keeled over and died before even getting to middle age sad sad.

On the other hand, I know I am in a very lucky position with how easy it is for me to work despite having children - I have relatives nearby who are always happy to take up the slack if my DC are off sick, etc. I also have a very flexible job where I can pretty much work the hours I want to. To be honest if I had a 'regular' job where I had to stick to set times and days with no help with childcare, I wouldn't have lasted five minutes blush

valiumredhead Thu 31-Jan-13 11:29:12

It's ludicrous to suggest you can't be a strong role model and be a SAHM. Surely, being a strong role model is doing the best at everything you do, leading by example, having strong princies and realizing when you're wrong, to name just a few. It has nothing whatsoever to do with which member of the family vacuums the living room floor


In answer to the OP - whatever I like smile

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 11:36:25

I can't tell you how disappointed I am.
I was enjoying the idea of you all ploughing through 100 cakes a day.


seeker Thu 31-Jan-13 11:50:55

I wondered if you were thinking that - I don't think anyone in my family will ever eat a cupcake again!

However, you can imagine me at the moment making a portrait of a horse out of cake.........

valiumredhead Thu 31-Jan-13 12:03:05

I don't feel idle or guilty.
I have a very nice life which I enjoy and I do a great deal.
It's lovely.
I don't have to be busy to justify my existence.

that's a really good post smile

Mmmmmm cake...

A horse out of cake - yum.

valiumredhead Thu 31-Jan-13 12:11:35

Or if it's from Tesco a cake out of horse...

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 12:13:41

Hahaha at tesco horse cake.
Very quick Valium grin

Good luck seeker. I could possibly make a cake that looked like horse pooh. Possibly.

FanFuckingTastic Thu 31-Jan-13 12:14:11

Well, I am bankrolled by no man, never have been. I guess I am even worse in that I'm on benefits. I'm paid to care for my daughter, and also to have care myself. I'm on DLA and income support, and I budget very very carefully.

How will I teach my daughter anything? By talking and showing and being I guess. I want to teach her many things, compassion, patience and love are the easy ones to start with, I make sure I try to express it all the time, even when I hurt and feel snappy.

If she wants to follow academia then I will be behind her 100%, making it as easy as I can given our background and know how difficult it can be to access university from the bottom.

If her special needs don't allow for that, then I am still here behind her 100%, teaching her the skills for independent living, like cooking/finances/running a house/budgeting/coping with disability.

She'll find her place in life and I won't push her to do that. If she is happy just being married and in love, and having her own children, then why is that wrong? We can achieve more, but we don't have to if it's not something we want to do. We don't all have to be high achievers simply because we have the ability to. Sometimes life is just more complicated, or we'd really just rather not.

fullboarder Thu 31-Jan-13 12:15:36

I've been a SAHM for the last 16 years, to 2 children aged 15 and 12 years old.

I love my life. I can do what I like, when I like. Go to the gym, walk the dogs, play sports, visit friends/family, cook, get involved with voluntary work. Very lucky too that I don't have to do the cleaning either!

My DH is happy for me to be at home whilst he works in a job that he loves. We can afford for me to be at home and we have never claimed anything kind of benefit at all.

So in a nutshell I fill my days in doing things that I enjoy. I feel very happy and content.

seeker Thu 31-Jan-13 12:18:27

And it's got to look like a particular horse. Not just any old horse. Maybe I'd be better cloning one from a Tesco fondant fancy.

I do feel I give my children an excellent role model, working as I do in a cutting edge, socially beneficial, challenging area. It's good for them to see that women can really take their place in the working world. Why, only last week I made a pair of Jimmy Choos out of cake, and the week after next, I'm reprising my male stripper triumph of 2009.

scattybatty Thu 31-Jan-13 12:31:54

Don't mean this to sound like a stealth boast, but some of us don't really need the money from a p/t job. Some of us made our money in our 20's and 30's and are now taking time out to look after the family. I did. I lived abroad and worked my arse off for 15 years in a virtually tax free country along with my DH pre kids. Now we are mortgage free and have other investments and my DH has a good job. Before when I was working I was highly motivated to earn and save money. Now I am not. I love looking after my kids and spending every afternoon with them. What do I do when they are at school? Well apart from a bit of exercise, I do all the stuff that I need to do so that when they come home I am not ironing/ cleaning/ cooking and I can instead take them out/ help them with their homework.

In an ideal world one parent would be home looking after the kids. I'm sure most of us would agree with that. If I was to get a f/t job I would only be doing it to shut up other people who have a negative opinion on my situation. Since I have never really cared about what others think of me, I'm happy to carry on what I am doing.

<shades eyes>

valiumredhead Thu 31-Jan-13 12:37:07

If I was to get a f/t job I would only be doing it to shut up other people who have a negative opinion on my situation. Since I have never really cared about what others think of me, I'm happy to carry on what I am doing

Quite! grin

scatty I honestly don't think that in an ideal world one parent would be at home looking after the kids. I could be; and I am, actually, as the hours I work are within school times - but I chose to work too, because I enjoy doing so. If it were just about the money there are probably plenty of working mums who wouldn't bother (me included), but it's about much more than that.

There is no ideal world - what is ideal is what works for each individual smile

Ragwort Thu 31-Jan-13 12:49:59

I think scattybatty makes a good point; if you don't need the money why should you go out to work and possibly take a job away from a young person or someone else who really needs the money?

We had our DS late in life (mid 40s), both had well paid jobs, we have no mortgage, DH is self employed and can manage his own work load so that he rarely has to do more than 3-4 days a week. We live perfectly well on the 'average' salary - (around £30k I believe).

I love using my business skills in various different voluntary jobs, my DS sees me 'working' in the community and I feel I am making a much more positive contribution to society than I ever did working in the fashion world (my previous job) grin. But again, why should anyone have to 'justify' what they do all day, and those of you who say you can't imagine what SAHMs do all day - how are you going to cope when you retire?

naughtycloud1 Thu 31-Jan-13 12:52:19

i.m ashamed to say my daughter is 10 i workpartime for 2 hrs not long at all in the day i clean washclothes i do the ironing as i go.
fill my days with cleaning
i am bored stiff even on computer all day
maybe im very lasy and i could work full time but i have no gcses nothing on paperand cant get a job am i a bad person for being at home living of my partner has some people would call. it but being a mother for 10 years was not good enougthhmm or should i have another baby fill my days with bottle feed and be a mother again as this is all i seem to be good at[nocomment]

comingintomyown Thu 31-Jan-13 12:58:57

I loved being a SAHM and was always busy and it made everyones elses lives easier

Due to divorce went back to FT work when DC were 11 and 14

No question life was far more pleasant not working but then again thats because my job is pretty awful and thats because I took years out of the workplace !!!

ouryve Thu 31-Jan-13 13:00:26

Internet, knitting, reading, journalling & organising appointments, supplies etc for 2 boys with SN, find the floor because they tend to scatter stuff. I have dodgy joints and sometimes I'm just too exhausted, but when I get the chance and have the energy, I try to do something to tart this scruffy old house up, a bit. All I've managed to do in this school year is varnish two brand new doors, though, which had to be done because the boys broke one at the end of the summer holidays.

I'd say hats off to anyone who manages to keep on top of things with kids and house and hold down a full time job. I'm never going to pretend I do more than you do.

scattybatty Thu 31-Jan-13 13:10:43

I think everyone's situation is very different and I actually hate these judgemental threads on both sides whether working f/t or a SAHM. Both get their fair share of flack.

I think a big part of my decision to be a SAHM was because my own mum died when I was really young and I have very little memory of her. I was rather unhappy as a child and quite lonely. When I had my first son I got very distressed about leaving him with a childminder when I was due to go back to work. I love looking after my children, but I know it's not for everyone.

Despite the above, I am not an overly protective or clingy mum. My children are quite independent.

nokidshere Thu 31-Jan-13 13:20:47

I have been a sahm (or part time wahm) for 14 years now. I have no intention of ever going back out to work and, in 18 months time will once again have all my days free until 3:15pm.

I never have any trouble filling my time. I don't do voluntary work, I do as little housework as absolutely necessary and I never feel the need to justify what I do or dont do to anyone else. I worked full time for over 20 years before having my children and, at 52 years old, I don't feel like I have to be doing something specific in order to look better for other people!

Agreed scatty. It seems impossible to talk about SAHMs or WMs without it turning into a bunfight. Women should be respected for whatever choices they make for themselves and their children - not made to justify them to fuck knows who...

<bangs gavel>

<although I do love a good bunfight wink>

mummyplum1 Thu 31-Jan-13 14:18:30

Just a question for you long term SAHMs with older children.

A lot of you have said that you fill your time with mainly leisure activities, basically you please yourself most of the day.

Do you never look back at your life over the past 10/ 15 years or whatever and wonder what you have achieved, what you have to be proud of, what you have done to help others, etc? If not now, do you think that you might do this in the future? Do you not think that you are allowing your once capable self to become gradually more and more deskilled and potentially more incapable? Do you think that perhaps your DCs, when they become adults, may wonder about what their mother achieved, etc?

I'm not talking about those who do voluntary work or care for sick DC or elderly relatives but those who spend most of their time in the gym, having coffee with friends, in the beauty salon, etc

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 14:27:25

I have said I please myself. That doesn't mean gym coffee and beauty salon.
I think my dc respect the choices I have made because they I understand them. My DC are quite proud of my achievements. I am quite proud of how I have dealt with a life I didn't plan or ask for.
My eldest DS thinks (as I do) that it is sad that I didn't go to uni but that wasn't a choice I had - I had to earn money.
Still, it could be some thing I do in the future. Who knows

I am not sure that being at home has made me de-skill in a way that (for example) my SIL who works in a supermarket hasn't.
I think to assume that all learning, improvement and skill development happens exclusively in a work place is a bit limited.

impty Thu 31-Jan-13 14:32:07

mummyplum ... the short answer is yes!

The longer answer is yes but...
1 without being at home, my husbands career would have stalled at some point. We know couples where both worked and neither reached their potential because of shared childcare. As a family we have a greater income now because of this.
2 Evenings and weekends are entirely free for leisure for all the family.
3 We have saved a fortune in cleaners/ decorating/ gardening because I do it.
4 I consider this a part of my life. I'm not 40 yet so only halfway through. I occasionally do freelance bits and pieces. Who knows what I may do in the future?

Badvoc Thu 31-Jan-13 14:34:29

Agree totally with pag.
My youngest starts school in sept. and I have been wondering what the next chapter of my life night bring...
My parents are increasingly frail and in ill health.
My voluntary work seems to be getting increasing.
I may even re train.
Am 40 so I feel I still have lots of options tbh.

Badvoc Thu 31-Jan-13 14:37:04

Plum...I don't think there are that many sahms who do spend all their time at the gym/ cafe/salon tbh.
At least I don't know any.
My sis is also a sahm and she does spend a lot of time shopping, but she can afford and - I will never understand this - enjoys it.

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 14:42:37

I apologise that I get like a dog with a bone about this. Really.

I just think it is another area where women (and it is mostly women) take a snapshot of someone else's life, compare it against there choices and then denigrate it.

Most women I know in the real world are making hard choices based on a load of variables. They make the best choice they can for themselves and their family. It usually involves an element of sacrifice. It's usually a compromise.

Turning that into sahms are lazy parasites - WOHMs don't care about their children is all self serving and nonsense.
It also ignores the fact that many of us will be both at sometime or another.

We are mostly just doing our best, trying to do the best we can.
Slagging someone off using crass stereotypes is just so mean spirited. We shouldn't all endlessly have to justify ourselves.

stopgap Thu 31-Jan-13 14:50:44

Perfectly put, Pagwatch. My friends are a mixture of SAHM, part-time workers and WOHM. All are smart, dertermined women who, for a multitude of reasons, made a choice based upon their family's particular circumstance. One good friend was an investment banker who worked 70-hour weeks and decided to SAH until such time her daughter is in school and she can do some consulting work. And another friend is a banker who decided to stay in those 70-hour working weeks and she sees her son for an hour of an evening and most weekends. But her child seems happy, as does the child with the SAH mother. And I don't consider one woman superior to another in any way, shape or form.

DewDr0p Thu 31-Jan-13 15:05:14

I've got 3 primary school aged dc. The youngest has mild SN. I'm a sahm.

I do a fair amount of housework during the day. I try and keep on top of things while they are at school to free up time to spend with the dcs in the evening - esp dc3 who needs lots of support with reading and writing atm. Dh works away a lot so it does help to have a free run at hearing 3 dc read, practise spelling etc

Dc3 also has a lot of appointments and where we live is rural so each one takes up a whole morning with travel time shock

I take some time for me to exercise and see friends. I'm pretty limited in the evening with dh away so if I didn't I would go stir crazy I reckon!

I'm also a governor at 2 local schools, contribute to a local regeneration project committee. For a while I was a bfing peer supporter. Oh and I am retraining for a new (hopefully family friendly!) career.

DewDr0p Thu 31-Jan-13 15:06:25

And well said pag I agree wholeheartedly.

FanFuckingTastic Thu 31-Jan-13 15:09:02

I am hoping to start a scheme in my area to help deprived families and children with school uniform, so I do have that little brainchild kicking around. Just waiting for the ideal chance to start.

naughtycloud1 Thu 31-Jan-13 15:09:49

good point pagawatch it,s all about where your lives at and whats best for the family at the present time.

amicissimma Thu 31-Jan-13 15:14:14

I do as much as I can of things I enjoy and find fulfilling and as little as possible of things I don't.

I am involved in the local community and am on friendly terms with people from all sorts of different areas - far more diverse than just the people associated with my field, when I worked. And no office gossip!

Chandon Thu 31-Jan-13 15:15:26

mummyplum. I have asked myself that question.

My kids have already asked me about this as well.

Facts are:
- I like looking after my kids myself
- i think I do a better job than any nanny or CM would
- i have had a job long enough to know it is not more fun or more rewarding than being with the kids
- I get lots of respect from DH and DC.
- It is not a decision for life. being a SAHM is not a religion. DH and I hope to set up a business together one day.

Just repeating this: SAHMism is NOT a religion, or a secret club. It is just a phase in our life.

It is a very valid choice. Some people are weirdly and millitantly anti-sahm as a concept, but thankfully I do not know any such people in real life. But then I do not subscribe to the notion that a human being's worth is determined by their economic contribution to society.

Hobbitation Thu 31-Jan-13 15:20:34

A lot of you have said that you fill your time with mainly leisure activities, basically you please yourself most of the day.

I pleased myself all the time outside of work hours before I had children and was working FT. I feel like I put much more back into society now as a WFHP. I do voluntary work as well as paid work and go to the gym and please myself a lot!

How many people working FT have the time to put anything back into society?

I am quite lazy though.

Ragwort Thu 31-Jan-13 15:28:20

But then I do not subscribe to the notion that a human being's worth is determined by their economic contribution to society - totally agree Chandon, it is very sad that people are judged on their 'jobs' rather than their worth as an individual.

For all those who say they are 'bored senseless' at home, I think that can show a total lack of imagination of how to spend your time, let's be honest, the vast majority of jobs are not particularly interesting and stimulating, many people have absolutely no autonomy over what they do/what time they have to report in/cannot make a decision on their own initiative etc etc etc. Of course its brilliant if you are a barrister or a top surgeon, but don't let us think that all jobs are like that hmm. I've just had the most brain-dead conversation with someone at British Gas, obviously reading from a script, imagine having to do that all day long sad.

Ragwort Thu 31-Jan-13 15:31:24

How many people working FT have the time to put anything back into society? another good point, I do an awful lot of work with teenagers, many of whom are very vulnerable and 'at risk' of becoming NEETs , and it is very sad that a lot of them just do not have any support or encouragement from home, and they often tell me 'because my parents are working or too tired to help me' sad.

I still want to know how those of you who say you couldn't stay at home are going to manage when you retire?

I have no problem with being bored, I like a gentle pace to life.

But need to find some P/T work again to balance the family budget (teenagers are sooo expensive !) - hopefully something with children as that's what I've pretty much always done. I think it does help a bit with self-esteem too, to have a role and make a contribution, but I reckon that's partly to do with other people's judgements and expectations.

Today I went into town and enjoyed browsing and buying a couple of things in the bookshop, Oxfam, and Chinese supermarket.

I ought to do more to keep on top of housework - one tidying project a day on top of the basics sounds a really good plan. Plus something each day towards finding more work/ a new job.

MummpPlum - I often wonder what the fucking hell life is all about anyway. We are born, we live, we die. I was reading Clive James in the Sunday Telegraph writing about a recent University Challenge where none of the contestants knew who Louis Maceice was, and that he had dreamt of Louis who was stood saying "Well, what was all that for?"

Unless you are finding a cure for cancer or brining aout World Peace, I am not sure that many of us have done things which will be remembered after we have gone.

Being at peace with myself is important to me, or as Wordsworth said it so much better than me

"Finding the calm existence that is mine when I am worthy of myself".

<goes back to the crossword>

Why, why, why do women have to keep justifying the choices that they and their families make? DO we ever see or hear men doing this?

I'm a WOHM. It's what's needed for out family life right now. I'd love to be a SAHM, but being envious of someone who is, isan't going to make it happen!

There are lots of dreadful, dreadful things happening to many women in this world...their situation's are the ones that we should be putting emotional energy into, not whether someone goes to the gym whilst their kids are in school.

newNN Thu 31-Jan-13 15:54:06

Have been a sahm for 12 years and have sons and a dd.

I know that if I wasn't a sahm, dh would not have been able to earn what he does. He would not have been able to travel abroad, be away overnight, work late etc if he'd had to pick the kids up from school or get to the child minders by 6 etc.

I view it as division of labour - dh was always going to earn more than me, so it made sense for me to do the house and child stuff and for him to generate income.

I don't see why I should feel guilty or like a bad role model - I'm fulfilling my end of the deal.

I will teach my children to get a good education and be able to support themselves (I am a former teacher), but ultimately to do what makes them happy and works for their lives.

Like woh, sah has its good points and its bad points - nothing is perfect all of the time and most people just have a 'best fit' approach to what they choose to do.

valiumredhead Thu 31-Jan-13 15:54:52

Good point.

Other thing is men rarely ime bat an eyelid when I say I am a SAHM, women on the other hand usually always have something to say.

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 31-Jan-13 15:55:10

Mummyplum - I didn't look back on my 18 years of working and feel that I had done anything particularly good. I worked for a bank. If I hadn't done it someone else would have happily taken the generous salary and done it for me.I wasn't saving the world. I was earning money to provide for the life I want to live. Once I had enough money to live my life the way I wanted to I stopped!

Why is my time worth more to the world if I spend it earning money for a bank than if I spend it at home during the middle part of my day so that I can be there for my children when they are not in school?

When my children are older I'll look back on all the wonderful memories and will be happy that I spent every available moment enjoying having them around.

Badvoc Thu 31-Jan-13 16:06:26

That's just how I feel.
My jobs were just that, a means to an end.
We aren't all rocket scientists and rock stars.

valiumredhead Thu 31-Jan-13 16:06:58

No, I don't look back to when I worked with an amazing sense of pride or felt I really achieved anything either other than earn a good wage. Anything worthwhile was done outside work hours.

And talking of going to the gym, going for a swim, or a walk round the park which I often do - it's good to keep healthy and get some exercise. Women shouldn't feel guilty for taking some time to look after themselves, especially physically (rather than just appearance wise)
Men would never feel guilty about it - they'd be boasting about how good they were !
And it's for you and your family and even society if you can stay more healthy through exercise.

valiumredhead Thu 31-Jan-13 16:15:04

I'm not sure our kids will look back and admire us for what we achieved outside the home either tbh - kids care about wether they are loved, fed and watered, not wether their mum was off curing cancer or working in a supermarket. I really don't think they give two hoots what a mum actually does for a living. I don't think ds will look back and admire his dad's job, he's more likely to look back and think of times when he and his dad spent time together.

valiumredhead Thu 31-Jan-13 16:24:05

Too many times in that last post but YNWIM!

Bluegrass Thu 31-Jan-13 16:29:44

I think SAH with feet up mnetting whilst the kidsare at school sounds lovely in principle, although I suspect I would just end up feeling guilty about having so much control over my own life and getting to enjoy more time with the children whilst DP was wage slaving all day in an office to pay for it. Dammit!

freddiefrog Thu 31-Jan-13 16:39:37

If I was to get a f/t job I would only be doing it to shut up other people who have a negative opinion on my situation

Yes, I agree.

As a foster carer, I'm not actually allowed to work full time when we have a placement anyway, so I guess that lets me off the hook.

I work in paid employment, from home, approx 10 hours a day which I fit in after the kids are in bed, or at school.

The rest of my time I do please myself. Yes, I do some voluntary work, because I enjoy doing it, if I enjoyed going to the gym every day, I'd do that too.

We work to live, we don't live to work

discotequewreck Thu 31-Jan-13 17:02:27

Here, here passthesherry

I am a sahm to 6 and 3 year old. Love it!

And never understand the brain rotting judgement. I read exstensively and have written a novel, just starting my second. I go and watch foreign films and go to the museum. I learn through my kids all the time.

newNN Thu 31-Jan-13 17:06:41

A lot of the time the woh parent really values their career and wants to be able to do whatever is necessary in order to climb the career pole. Don't be thinking that the sahm has forced the poor sod out to work all hours, so he can subsidise her chosen lifestyle. Quite often he derives a lot of benefit from having a sah partner - it suits him as much as it suits her. He (or she) is doing what they want to do and have peace of mind that all is being taken care of at home and they are not under pressure to do much looking after of their own dc/house.

And in the end it is the sahp who is making sacrifices too, in order to do this. A sahp has fewer pension contributions, loses out on career and promotions, during the time they take out of the workplace, risks not being able to get back in, is vulnerable if a marriage ends and is doing something that society doesn't actually think is important because it doesn't directly generate a taxable income for the state. Never mind that the role supports someone who is able to concentrate on their career and thus earn more money which the state taxes at a higher level!

discotequewreck Thu 31-Jan-13 17:13:37

Absolutely. My dh loves his job and wants a career. We are a team, both contributing equally to a secure family unit.

My DH enjoys his work too and has the opportunity to travel to interesting places around the world watching wildlife quite a few times a year.

Arisbottle Thu 31-Jan-13 19:28:22

I don't think this is a man or woman issue but about a partnership. I am sure people would ask questions of my DH spent all his time swanning between the gym and coffee shop whilst I worked an 80 hour week.

I suppose if one of you had a job that you adored, that felt more like a hobby than a job it wood be understandable.

DH and I have been lucky enough over the years to earn good wages, We can probably retire early had live a good life. I would rather that we both retired at 50 together than one of us stopped working at 35 and the other carried on unit 60.

GetOrf Thu 31-Jan-13 20:26:56

This is such an interesting thread. I totally agree with pag - it is just not worth judging women by their SAHM/WOHM status. Most of us do the best we can with the options we have before us. Nobody is better than anyone else. I am sure our children are not going to judge our worth as mothers based on how many hours we worked, or how many times we went to the gym and pissed about. We will be judged on how well we loved them, I am sure.

I don't think that being a SAHM to a school aged child is particularly something that should be judged more than a SAHM to a pre schooler. I have always been more than happy to work FT ever since DD was a baby. But the only time I wished I could work less and be at home more is recently. She is bloody 17, and needs me more than ever. It's easy to work with a baby. But I am needed now, and have been for a couple of years. This distresses me because I work miles away, so much of my life is wasted on a train. I would love to take a few years out frankly, but it is pretty much impossible.

TheCarefulLaundress Thu 31-Jan-13 20:58:14

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Arisbottle Thu 31-Jan-13 21:05:35

I don't think it is on to call another poster a loon. Why can't you disagree politely ?

TheCarefulLaundress Thu 31-Jan-13 21:20:06

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ssd Thu 31-Jan-13 21:50:46

op, I do all you do exactly, but I work 9-3 term time cos I need the money, if you dont you can spend the day cleaning the house...... we work for money, if you dont need the money you dont need to work

ssd Thu 31-Jan-13 21:59:21


sorry but I just find it funny that its ok to say another poster hates woman, but not ok to call her a loon

Dozer Thu 31-Jan-13 22:06:19

Why is it (almost) always the women who stop work and men who continue though? I have no problem with people with DC of any age not WOH, but would feel more comfortable with working PT ( as I do) and SAH if it was something people, rather than women, did.

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 31-Jan-13 22:44:37

Dozer my experience is that employers still have the attitude that it's the women who should take care if the kids.

My DH and I both worked for the same large bank. We were the same job grade. We earned the same.

When I first started trying for a baby and looked into the staff rules about maternity pay, career breaks etc I discovered that these things were only available to me . There was no parental leave for fathers at all then. Men were not able to apply for a career break. ( the bank eventually did way with the scheme altogether rather than be forced to offer it to both sexes )

By the time I actually became a parent ( 10 years later ) the official policy had improved but in practice nothing had changed.

My DH and I adopted a baby. The banks policy on adoption was that prospective adoptive parents must be allowed paid leave to attend adoption preparation classes , social worker meetings and introduction meetings with the child.

I had no problem getting leave for these meetings because I am female and it's accepted. My DH had a nightmare. One colleague of his complained to his boss about him leaving early for meetings with our social worker.

He was supposed to get two weeks off after our DS was placed with us ( same as a birth father would get ) . The bank made him start his leave one week before our DS arrived because that suited them better! When my DH tried to leave the office at 5pm occasionally ( his official finishing time) instead of the usual 6 or 7pm so that he could spend some time with his new baby he was threatened with all sorts and accused of not pulling his weight or being a team player.

He nearly had a break down over it all. He was trying so hard to be a good father.

That is so sad Angels.

All that presenteeism I used to suffer when I worked in Advertising.

Sooo glad I am out of it now. And yes, it is usually, but not always, women who become the sah, but I am sure the balance will start to slowly shift.

A simple response to Dozer's post of why is it usually women who have SAH role .... because women have babies and men tend to earn more in the workplace etc etc !

Dozer Thu 31-Jan-13 22:55:33

That is v sad angels. Horrible employer.

Yes, exitpusuedbyabear, it is presenteeism, I don't think it is changing much yet though.

Dozer Thu 31-Jan-13 22:58:21

Rubbish, juggling, "women have babies", so because men have a penis they can't SAH and do childcare?

Earning differences don't fully explain it either.

PoppyWearer Thu 31-Jan-13 23:03:14

What newNN said.

city1984 Thu 31-Jan-13 23:07:02

I work very part time but am now on maternity leave. For 2 years i did this with school aged dc. Believe me it wasn't all going to the gym!. Now i am incredibly busy. I seem to spend half my life ferrying older dc to one activity or another. Or going to meetings at school or goiing to hospital appointments. (Have accident prone dc)
I have so much respect for those who work full time. I really don't know how you manage.

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 31-Jan-13 23:07:24

Part of my determination to be a SAHM ( fear of being a WOHM ) came from working for a particularly nasty boss ( an area manager)who used to take great delight in calling his branch managers in for after hours meetings at an hours notice.

I was his assistant at the time and I had the lovely job of phoning these managers to tell them that they had to drop everything and be at the area office for 5pm.

A few of these managers were good friends of mine and I knew they would be at breaking point over the stress of having to arrange emergency childcare at short notice because of these meetings.

I noticed that the male managers would be given the "meeting over a lunchtime pint" option whereas the women with children would be allocated the late meeting.

He was a special kind of evil and was actively trying to force these women to take downgrades by making their jobs impossible to balance with their parental responsibility.

So you tell me then Dozer, what does explain it ?

I think I looked after DD and DS more in the first year than DH because I'd given birth to them and was breast-feeding as well as social expectations.

Having started to be the main carer to them I have continued to be.

DH's career became more settled than mine partly as he hadn't taken a break from it/ parental leave and partly again due to society's expectations and construction.

It does seem a bit of a basic question to ask why is it usually women who are SAH's !

<silenty wishes a plague of toads on Angels ex boss>

Dozer Thu 31-Jan-13 23:10:43

Tis the patriarchy juggling smile

Cool ! (not the patriarchy of course, just reaching an understanding smile)

Sulawesi Fri 01-Feb-13 17:12:21

I love being at home and feel very lucky that I am able to do so.

I took the children to school this morning (hour round trip)
Did a yoga session for an hour
Walked the dog for an hour
Saw to the horses, another good hour
Did some essential admin for a (bit)
Went back to collect the children another hour
Off out tonight with friends.

I hate cleaning with a passion and my house is a bit of a tip because I'm always out and about instead of being a good little housewife (urgh I hate that word). I should probably do more but there are too many interesting things to do, people to see, books to read, films to watch blah blah.

I'm very sociable and probably chat a lot every day, don't really do that whole gym, coffee thing quite so much but do love a good lunch. Someone up-thread asked just how many lunches one could have and I maintain 365 a year sounds good to me grin!

I love my life and wouldn't change a thing. I know some people would be bored to death but I ain't one of them wink!

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 18:38:51

woman hating observing the thread the coffee and gym habit housewives
so thats your summation,the best you can come up with,incisive or what
should I have gushed ardest job in world,should be paid you know. nearly proper work

impty Fri 01-Feb-13 18:40:30

Scottishmummy you know you come across as angry and bitter, right?

Sulawesi Fri 01-Feb-13 18:40:56



Sulawesi Fri 01-Feb-13 18:41:59

That was too sm not impty obviously! Sm is consistent if nothing else.

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 18:46:24

lol angry and bitter enough to call someone woman hating loon?nope not me
better to explore why it's so touchy for you,provoking such histrionics
Seriously,why so worked up?

CheapBread Fri 01-Feb-13 19:20:17

Back in your box scottishmummy.

impty Fri 01-Feb-13 19:20:33

Today I met a good friend for cake and coffee. It was lovely grin

Chandon Fri 01-Feb-13 19:24:24

I see only one antagonist ( I always think SM gets her kicks by jumping on any sahm thread and being scathing, a bit of a wind up mercant really and to be taken with a pinch of salt) and one or two peope responding in kind.

All a bit childish.

Maybe people who are upset by SM comments should examine why it seems to touch a nerve....

And maybe SM can examine the root of her contempt for sahms. What is it about Sahms that brings out your bitter remarks? I am not sure it is envy, so wndering what it could be that rattles you so about parents deciding to look after their own kids.

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 19:25:42

the woman hating loon box?or the why have em if you leave them with strangers box?
funnily enough I don't have a I'd never miss previous moments box.or faf about all day box.ahhh so many boxes...

HannahsSister40 Fri 01-Feb-13 19:28:45

I suspect the poster threw that comment

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 19:31:04

like it,deliciously obnoxious in a bulgy eyed way

HannahsSister40 Fri 01-Feb-13 19:34:06

I suspect she threw the comment in to confirm that Scottishmummy was lurking somewhere on this thread,lol!(be less predictable in future maybe)

Badvoc Fri 01-Feb-13 19:36:26

I did the school run.
Got home.
Cleaning, washing, tidying.
Grocery delivery came, put away.
Phone call from my mother. She was feeling very ill.
Went to her house.
Called gp.
Called paramedic.
Stayed with her til 2pm.
Came home. Finished cleaning.
Appt with man who is replacing the conservatory roof next week.
Took mum to gp.
Came home.
Did some voluntary work for church.
Dc at pils tonight, thank god.
So that's my day today.
I feel quite tired, and frankly fed up that someone who has sat on their backsides all day in a cushy office job think they have the right to judge me for being a sahm or think that my life is one long coffee break!

Badvoc Fri 01-Feb-13 19:39:23

Do people really, honestly think that all sahms do is go for coffee, go to the gym, or salon?
I bloody wish sad

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 19:43:36

well read the thread There is fair few describing,gym,coffee, shops,social
I'm sure it's not true for all,but certainly it's an account that always pop up pn mn

TheCarefulLaundress Fri 01-Feb-13 19:48:39

Scotmummy always creeps onto these threads to spew her bile.
And sounds rather demented in the process.
It's quite funny but tiresome at the same time.

HannahsSister40 Fri 01-Feb-13 19:51:27

Scottish, would you be happier if sahm's were sat at home with PND, bemoaning their lack of glittering career whilst waiting for a bit of housekeeping from the alpha male spouse?(who is an arrogant prick,naturally)

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 19:51:46

creeps on?
I think not
a consistently held opinion will be expressed consistently.nowt creeps about it

Badvoc Fri 01-Feb-13 19:52:48

Yes. Tiresome is the word!
I am confused - been a loooong day...
Is SM saying that sahms shouldn't go out for coffee, go out with friends, the gym or salon beacuse they are sahms??
How odd.
Perhaps pensioners shouldn't either then?
We are such a drain on society aren't we?

CheapBread Fri 01-Feb-13 19:53:24

Yes, the box comment was made with regards to scottishmummy appearing on a thread with sahm in the title.
Doesn't touch any nerves, doesn't apply, just annoyingly predictable and boring.

JakeBullet Fri 01-Feb-13 19:53:26


Got back home from school run, sorted out sons bed etc
Phoned the special needs education department locally to discuss various issues.
Picked up my Mum and took her shopping and then collected prescription for my unwell 87 year old Uncle. Explained the medications to him and listened while he moaned about all the tablets grin
Saw my counsellor who has been fabulous about various issues in my life.
Went to pick up DS's medication from pharmacy.
Picked up DS from school.

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 20:00:20

I'm all for bit riposte on a thread,but you know what on let yourself get so het up
however pnd is draining illness,I'd certainly not hope any mum suffer
dispute my posts,dispute my pov,by all means but don't make stuff up

Chandon Fri 01-Feb-13 20:03:08

You are the most het up person on this thread, I think.

HannahsSister40 Fri 01-Feb-13 20:05:07

it's just you seem so sneery and judgmental of sahm's enjoying their time to do whatever they want whenever they want. I'm sure you'd feel happier (with the choices you made) if you could imagine shams as a nice beige collective of bored, depressed little wifeys.

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 20:07:15

you think incorrectly
I'd say het up are the spew,bile, loon crew
its all v pantomime hiss

TheCarefulLaundress Fri 01-Feb-13 20:22:59

I'm not het up, Scotty, I think it's sad that you always denigrate women who choose to stay at home. You once said that your work validates you. Fair enough, but other women might not need to get their validation from paid employment. why does that upset you so much?

Chandon Fri 01-Feb-13 20:23:53

O why do you always choose to be snide about anything to do with sahms? What is it that infuriates you so much, really?

Being consistent is not a goal n itself, or praiseworthy, if it is being consistent about something silly ( popping up on sahm threads and being unpleasant for no reason. You do not seem interested in any debate, just sneering)

Badvoc Fri 01-Feb-13 20:35:09

Why on earth would I need an employer to validate me and my life?
Imo expecting any other person/people to validate ones own life is a pretty dangerous way to live - That goes for employers, strangers on the Internet or family members.
I think it's deeply deeply sad that some people only seem to value other people based on some arbitrary amount of money that they earn.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 01-Feb-13 20:44:10

From the early days it helped me not to focus on the domestic side of life. It all needs doing but your life doesn't have to revolve around it. If I thought that was all there was I couldn't cope and feel it was drudgery.
Whatever you don't do today will still be there tomorrow.
Hobbies, interests and a social life are more important than housework that can wait.
Can't take the credit for this but read a management book once that asked for important, urgent, not important, not urgent lists. Each day you did urgent, some important and left the rest and went off to play. smile

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 20:49:17

aye thanks or putting me straight you not het up
woman hatin loon,demented must be a fond felicitation,a jokey how's it goin
good job yo put me straight about that and spewing bile

Morloth Fri 01-Feb-13 20:51:28

In my coffee and gym days I achieved a relaxed and happy life and made some lifelong friends.

My cat is my role model.

She has a permanent staff on hand and spends her days doing whatever the fuck she feels like.

Yeh, that's in Covey isn't it potatoprints ... 7 Habits of Effective people ...

Number one being to be proactive, number two being begin with the end in mind, and number three being to put first things first
(From memory, order of 2 & 3 could be wrong)

An excellent, inspiring, and liberating sort of book.

The important/ urgent/ not important/ not urgent grid square is fab too !

TheCarefulLaundress Fri 01-Feb-13 20:55:24

My pleasure, Scotty!

PeppermintLatte Fri 01-Feb-13 20:58:32

I'm not a stay at home mum, but i only work part time. I'm one of those weirdo's with burning ambition & constantly looking at different careers/training/study etc... I get restless fairly quickly.

I think SAHM's are wonderful. Running a home, looking after your family on a full time basis, it must be hard work, draining & tiring at times, but it must also have some great benefits. Good on you, if you can afford it why the hell not? I think it's quite sad that most women don't have the choice anymore.

Working mums, well i think they are super women.

CheerfulYank Fri 01-Feb-13 21:01:20

I work 15-20 evenings a week, but am home during the day. DS is in school 12 hours a week. Usually I nap, read books in bed with a cuppa, or go visit my friend at her bookshop. And mumsnet a lotsmile

soverylucky Fri 01-Feb-13 21:03:35

I have two days when the children are in school and I am off work. It is brilliant. I clean the house like a mad woman. Takes me two hours tops. I do have to do some work prep on my days off but a large amount of time is spent on mn, reading, watching tv, meeting friends and going for coffee. I love it.

Badvoc Fri 01-Feb-13 21:05:58

I am a lot more chilled out than I used to be tbh.
I let things slide a lot you say, sort out what is important/urgent etc.

FanFuckingTastic Fri 01-Feb-13 21:17:13

Hello scottishmummy, I am from Scotland too. grin

For some folk it isn't quite swanning, I do admire those people. I've had a couple of fairly good days and for me I kind of stagger between the gym and clubs, or scoot on my scooter. I do these activities because they help with my mental health and also build up my physical health, so I don't think it's such a bad thing to do.

I've got bedrooms like bombsites today, but I think I got to the bottom of the washing pile. I feel like I really achieved something. But I don't have the partner, so I am not really accountable to anyone else. When I did he used to get a bit mad at me and ask me why I wasn't better at things, I always had his dinner on the table so it made me feel quite upset, especially when he compared me to his mother or... worse... his ex-wife. He never did understand the drain of chronic pain and illness.

If it works for other people, is it such a bad thing? Perhaps their partners want them to be fit, healthy, pampered and well, and available I guess should they need the support, and that's enough for them?

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 21:21:33

let's be clear Im not expecting anyone to act on my pov and renounce housewifery
do what you want,but do expect it to be opined upon,disputed or naw not for me
always bemused by the youse bad un posts,followed by some psychobabble why I'm bad un

morethanpotatoprints Fri 01-Feb-13 21:24:29


Ah, so it is I think. I did read that book it really is good if you are a bit bad at time management.
Its also good at questioning what is important to you, can thoroughly recommend to all.
Saying that our home is always a bit chaotic but its better than me being stressed out all the time. Have also reassessed since dd has been H.ed, obviously being out more and less housework.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 01-Feb-13 21:28:03

I would rather work than be at home cleaning etc! Sounds grim.

scottishmummy Fri 01-Feb-13 21:33:10

hello fanfuckingtastic,great name.plenty scots on mn

amck5700 Fri 01-Feb-13 21:38:40

scottish mummy - not read all the way through this but think I have the gist.

I've been on the other side of this to a point. I always worked and my OH stayed at home with the boys. My job was earning money, his was looking after the kids and doing the bulk of the housework around that. He went to work once the boys started school, I have to say I'd have been a bit hacked off if he was home when they went to school and spent a large part of his day indulging himself. However maybe that's because I didn't and still don't, love my job. I did it because I earned more to support us not for him to spend it on going to the gym and having his hair done grin. So I think I am in agreement with you.

Equally I'd have felt guilty doing that if he was the one out earning. But it's not in my nature to take things from people. I was always told you work and earn things for yourself.

However, I guess that not everyone feels the same. Some partners may love their jobs and be perfectly happy to earn and support their family while their partner looks after their children and is available if they are ill etc without them needing to be hassled at all. So I guess I can't judge what other people feel is acceptable to them......but it wouldn't be for me.

I think women do a lot of work with their children, families, and sometimes in the community too, around the clock eg. mornings, evenings, and weekends.
The 6 hours between 9am and 3pm when children are at school isn't all there is to a day - and then they're on holiday a lot too.
It isn't that simple to fit work around children being at school - though I have been fortunate enough to find school hours work with children in pre-schools over most of the last 7 years.
So many mothers are after those jobs though it's quite crazy !
Am a bit between jobs ATM so for now a SAHM - as a PP said something most of us do at some time, and most of us not for ever.

So the SAHM v WOHM debate is much more polarised than it needs to be IMHO.
(Slightly like BF v FF ?!)

FanFuckingTastic Fri 01-Feb-13 22:07:49

Of course, but you do always catch my eye. Since it's rude to stare, I said hello grin

morethanpotatoprints Fri 01-Feb-13 22:11:25


I don't know any sahm's who are at home cleaning.

They mostly educate and bring their children up pre school, have a very flexible routine with hobbies and interests. When dc go to school they may have slightly more time to do their own thing.
Do wohm's not clean then?

amck5700 Fri 01-Feb-13 22:15:15

Do wohm's not clean then?

Yes, we do, unfortunately we have to fit it around work and child raising sad

morethanpotatoprints Fri 01-Feb-13 22:21:52


I would rather spend time "indulging myself", although I don't of course.
My reply above was to the assumption that sahm's spent their time cleaning.
Whilst we all have a certain amount to do I don't think anybody would define their role in life as cleaner, unless of course it was their job.

amck5700 Fri 01-Feb-13 22:30:55

absolutely, it's just from the way I have been brought up and see it, life is a partnership and that if my partner was out working and I was at home, I would see it as a job too, so that spending my time doing "me" stuff would seem wrong....a bit like if I was spending my time at my paid employment playing games on the computer. But then I have never been in that position.

It's maybe not a view everyone would have, it's just the way I was raised.

defineme Fri 01-Feb-13 22:43:51

I work 3 days a week and a couple of hours evening work.Dh works full time: this is the balance between earning money and having one of us less stressed and therefore more able to deal with sn ds1 that dh and I have decided upon.

Some days off are more stressful than work
eg yesterday I attended a meeting where I had to argue the case for ds1 receiving more support, then I did my voluntary work (lovely bit of day actually) and then I spent hour on phone with insurance company sorting out problem.Then I cleaned house frantically as ot was coming to work with ds1 when I brought him back from school.

However, today all I did was get hair cut (only every 2 months but takes 2 1/2 hours) some minimal housework, walk to bank with dm and online shopping-all with hangover as friend's birthday last night. Dh had a shit day at work and I feel a bit guilty. I suppose the pay off for him is that I won't be at hairdressers tomorrow so he'll be free to go to gym whislt I stay with kids.

When I'm off work for a couple of weeks I have a project or I do slide into online/daytime tv pit-so I'll decorate or spring clean garage.

I know a very wealthy single mum with school age kids. She is independently wealthy through her own hard work and she has staff. She fills her days with voluntary work/shopping/leisure stuff like gym and friends. If I won the lottery that is exactly what I would do. I'm very happy for her.

jellybeans Fri 01-Feb-13 22:57:22

I had this briefly before having my 5th DC. I was always busy. House stuff, studying, volunteering in school etc. Also DH has his days off in the week so we do 'weekend' stuff in the week, decorating and shopping etc. In addition seeing family and friends takes up a lot of time. Some are isolated and elderly. I was never bored, the day flies by. I won't be in a rush to go back to paid work unless something that fits in comes up. I don't want to miss out on watching school plays etc.

jellybeans Fri 01-Feb-13 22:59:33

'The 6 hours between 9am and 3pm when children are at school isn't all there is to a day - and then they're on holiday a lot too.'

Great points.

This is going well isn't it?

jellybeans Fri 01-Feb-13 23:30:11

'I know that if I wasn't a sahm, dh would not have been able to earn what he does. He would not have been able to travel abroad, be away overnight, work late etc if he'd had to pick the kids up from school or get to the child minders by 6 etc.'

I'm in the same position NewNN I gave up my job so he could do his current one. He has been able to get ahead because he has childcare sorted 24/7. It's just easier this way. I never wanted to be a SAHM until after I tried going f/t and hated leaving DD1 in nursery. From DD2 I have SAH.

SM is always scathing and I often wonder why that is.. This 'precious moments' thing she throws out doesn't offend me because time with our DC is in fact limited (flies by) and indeed precious. After 2 stillbirths and 2 miscarriages my kids are the main thing in life I care about and the thought of putting an employer before their needs would be very tough after being here all this time for them. Eg not being able to be with them when ill etc. I have known people 'disciplined' for taking time off to be with their sick child for example. To me all that stress isn't worth it if you don't want or need it. I would rather use my time for my DC than to an employer.

There is plenty to do without paid work. Once you devalue those not in paid work there is a slippy slope to devaluing not only SAHP but the elderly, people who can't work due to learning difficulties etc.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 01-Feb-13 23:31:04

what is it with all this dossing stuff? years ago now women were homemakers and it took up all their time. Now homemakers are lazy? really? Get out there and work? Let's have a latch key kid then? Let's leave the house before breakfast, let's get home at gone 7? then wonder why our kids are under achieving or getting in trouble.

I work part time as a single parent and I'm doing what I feel as the sole person in the house should do, be there. I fit life round my child and that's the way it should be in my book.

Arisbottle Fri 01-Feb-13 23:33:56

When I was a SAHM I was a bloody good homemaker, but my day started at 6am with my husband and therefore I often had the afternoons free to swan about. Unless you are living in a mansion you can do all the housework and cooking in six hours, so after that your time is free.

I now work full time me my children are certainly not latch key kids.

WifeofPie Fri 01-Feb-13 23:37:01

My children are all school-aged now (11, 8 and 6) and I have NO plans to go back to work in the near future. It's busy. By the time I've run with the dogs, showered, done some errands/shopping/appointments, made dinner, returned e-mails/phone calls etc, done some cleaning or laundry (we have a big house which is a lot of work, but also a huge mortgage so I clean it myself...a little bit every day) it's time to pick kids up again and then it's homework, play dates and picking-up, DD is a competitive gymnast so does that 8 hours a week and the boys have their own activities to be delivered to. It's hard work and definitely a full-time occupation. There is downtime and I suppose that is one of the perks of the job lifestyle...I have time to exercise (I multitask by doing it with the dogs, but still), be outdoors, read and study things that interest me AND most importantly it means that a parent is always available for anything the kids need, driving, emergencies, homework help, school functions, appointments etc.

There are days when I'd love to work again...for the adult company and a different kind of challenge but mostly it feels like there simply aren't enough hours in the day to work AND have my family and household raised/run the way I want. And because I have an awesome life...I'm happy and very grateful for that.

Housework and cooking in 6 hours shock

What do you do? By the time I have done the horse twice and walked the dog three times there is barely time to read the paper before folk want feeding!

CheerfulYank Fri 01-Feb-13 23:53:07

Also in the US kids are off school all June, July, and August.

Arisbottle Fri 01-Feb-13 23:53:41

That was my point, it is easily done. I was including in that seeing to our horses, walking the dog, cleaning the chickens, cleaning out rabbits, guinea pigs and whatever other animals we have collected over the years, That also includes breakfast with the children then cleaning up, lunch with the children and cleaning up and playing with them.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 01-Feb-13 23:54:12

It's called a very hard job but a very unrewarding one most of the time. It's called being there for your kids, it's called a well run house so everyone else functions, it's called having children and looking after them properly. Once they fly the nest then we are probably at the age where we aren't wanted on the young work scene so bugger that!

Us homemakers and carers end our days knowing we did the right thing by bringing children into this world, not farming them out and actually unfashionably looking after them ourselves.

Arisbottle Fri 01-Feb-13 23:58:18

I could say that my husband does he right thing be paying shed loads of tax which goes to running schools, hospitals etc. I could say I have done the right thing by also paying a shed load of tax and then taking a huge payout to work in front line public services. If all the women with children stayed at home there would be a huge shortage of teachers, nurses, doctors , cleaners etc.

There is no one right thing.

I think it is sad that you find looking after your own children unrewarding, I adored every minute if being at home with mine.

bringmeroses Sat 02-Feb-13 00:03:55

OP you have hit the nail on the head with I am keeping everything at a status quo rather than actually achieving anything.. That's what housework is all about. Noone says thanks, the floors are lovely and clean or yay, there's milk in the fridge. You don't get better at dispensing Calpol. It's a very different sort of work to paid employment but if your priorities are being there for DCs and supporting a ft DP working exhausting hours, it makes sense.
You are "achieving" raising a family in a way that you feel happy with (assuming you've chosen a mainly SAH lifestyle).
SAHPs need to change their expectations of 'job fulfillment' if they've previously held intellectually challenging paid roles. They're not comparable.

WorraLiberty Sat 02-Feb-13 00:11:46


I'm a SAHM with school aged children. I'm happy, the kids are happy, my DH is happy.

Basically it works for us.

Yet I found your post at 23:54:12, incredibly offensive and quite ignorant.

Us homemakers and carers end our days knowing we did the right thing by bringing children into this world, not farming them out and actually unfashionably looking after them ourselves

Farming them out? Really??

You do realise not everyone has a choice in whether they go out to work or stay home with their kids, don't you?

PeppermintLatte Sat 02-Feb-13 00:24:14

clippedphoenix i thought you worked part time? If you do, then i don't understand your last post?

I'm all for SAHM's if you can afford it as a family and it works for you. What i'm not all for, is SAHM's who act all self righteous and look down their nose at mother's who have to work and can't always be their for the kid's at the school gates at 3pm. It's heartbreaking enough for some women who desperately want to be at home for their babies, but wouldn't be able to afford to feed them if they were, without those in a more fortunate position acting all smug and self righteous, making the mother who works feel guilty.

Permanentlyexhausted Sat 02-Feb-13 00:25:45

Oh dear, Clippedphoenix, oh, dear!

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 00:27:03

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PeppermintLatte Sat 02-Feb-13 00:30:52

I'm sure no mother works outside of the home 24/7 clippedphoenix 37 hours to keep a roof over said childs head, maybe, but not 24/7.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 00:32:41

Bring it on worra..

I totally support stay at home mums. i totally support part-time mums. i totally support full time working mums that have a huge support system, as in a gran or a husband at home to do the other bit.

I don't support a woman that has a baby and doesn't do the looking after and farms them out. Why have one?

This thread was suggesting that a full time mum was lazy.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 00:34:15

here we go.

Nutters grin

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 00:36:23

Are you being a bit silly peppermit? as in taking things litterally as in the words not the meaning?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsase Sat 02-Feb-13 00:38:41

I've been a SAHM mum for the last three years, before that I was a high flyer, earning three times what DP was, yet still doing all the stuff Had to stop after a nervous breakdown, caused almost certainly by not taking any maternity leave and dragging newborn babies to work with me.

Being a SAHM didn't suit me. I was passionately relieved when DD started school. For a few weeks the house was immaculate. Then I decided 'sod it'. And I wrote an 85,000 word novel that I'm about to tout around. The house is filthy, the garden is a state, I've just about kept on top of laundry, washing up and shovelling food into the family. Fukkit. I'm doing what I think I ought to do, and DP has been hugely supportive. (Still wishing I had a cleaner, a cook and an au pair).

PeppermintLatte Sat 02-Feb-13 00:38:46

clipped what if, hypothetically, a woman finds herself pregnant, partner leaves her once child is born, she has no family local or her family all work and can't help with childcare? And she finds she has to work full time or she can't pay her rent/mortgage, feed her kid etc.. What other option does she have but to "farm her kid out to a nursery?"

WorraLiberty Sat 02-Feb-13 00:43:52

"Bring it on Worra??"

I feel as though I've just stepped on to the Jerry Springer show.

Are you going to follow that up with a click of your fingers in a 'Z' shape and move your head like a pigeon?

Yes there have been some suggestions that 'full time Mums' (whatever that means) are lazy but so what?

Are you so uncomfortable with your choice that you feel the need to insult WOHMs?

They're still full time Mums you know, just like you and I.

Uhh huh girlfriend.... << Just to get in the spirit of things >>

PeppermintLatte Sat 02-Feb-13 00:44:54

grin Worra

WorraLiberty Sat 02-Feb-13 00:47:42

Or possibly Harry Hill's TV Burp....

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 00:51:56

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WorraLiberty Sat 02-Feb-13 00:56:49

<< Devastated at your low opinion of me >>

<< Drops to knees, clasping chest >>

YY but this is all about your 'choice' isn't it?

Do you accept that some people don't have that choice and actually that makes them a fucking excellent parent because they're taking responsibility for providing for the child they brought into this world?

Do you also accept that some parents just aren't like you and that they need to work for their own sanity?

Not '24/7' because no-one works those hours.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:00:58

Yes of course i accept things. I don't however insult people because of my views. I do however question parents that have to get away from their children as much as possible due to their own "sanity"? then i would say they should'nt have had them.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:03:30

My child also became more important than me.

WorraLiberty Sat 02-Feb-13 01:09:54

Do you not think this is 'insulting people because of your views'? confused

Us homemakers and carers end our days knowing we did the right thing by bringing children into this world, not farming them out and actually unfashionably looking after them ourselves

People who choose to work for their own sanity, do so more many least that's what I've gathered from being on MN for nearly 2yrs.

There are parents here with kids who have SN, with kids who are just very difficult to handle 24/7, parents who live in tiny cramped conditions, parents who feel they've worked so very hard in their careers that they don't feel giving it all up is in their or their DCs best interests at all.

If you still say they shouldn't have had them, then fair enough that's your opinion.

But why you get the hump when someone doesn't agree with you is beyond me.

You have said you'd rather live on benefits...well there are plenty of parents for whom that would be a definite no-no.

Horses for courses.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:13:34

This thread wasn't about that though was it?

It isn't about parents that have SEN children, why are you doing this?

I also don't have the hump.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:16:38

Why on earth does every thread have to encompass the millions when its not necessary? Sticking to a topic would be good.

Narked Sat 02-Feb-13 01:23:16

I wouldn't leave a goldfish with my MIl. How is a random grandparent a better option than a trained nanny?

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:24:05

I stated what i do and what i believe is right, which is compromise where a child is concerned.

My child was more important than me the minute he was born and I centred my life around him, not the other way and that in my opinion is the way it should be.

If you choose to argue with that worra then up to you.

FreudiansSlipper Sat 02-Feb-13 01:26:25

I am one of those parents that got bored being at home (as explained before I like to have more structure, I get lazy when I do not have much that I have to do) ds went to nursery all day 3 days a week at 21/2 and loved it I went to work and studied. He is now at school I still study and work and soon he shall be going to after school club a few days a week

I manage to sleep very well and we are both very happy and ds is a very secure confident little boy

are you the better parent or I? I am not sure I do not really care and that really is for our children to answer when they are older how well we have done but in the meantime most are doing what they feel is best in their situation

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:27:59

A trained nanny? nah. Not good enough.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:30:17

I am of the opinion that the best person for their child is their mother and i won't ever be told different. All day with another person isn't good enough for that child, never will be.

Narked Sat 02-Feb-13 01:31:16

But a grandparent is because they're genetically linked to the child????

Narked Sat 02-Feb-13 01:33:11

How sad. Children growing up to think that that's what women are for.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:34:23

well if you have a suspect grandparent then you wouldn't leave a child with them would you?

i work in the childcare industry and i see these poor babys that are left from morning till night with a carer and its wrong, very very wrong.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:36:59

when you have a child you mitigate your hours it isn't about you anymore, you work round your child.

why damn well have one in the first place.

I am all for stay at home mums and I think the child benefits from it no end so don't anyone dare say that they have a cushy life, they don't.

FreudiansSlipper Sat 02-Feb-13 01:38:39

Then you must also know from your work experience that children thrive on interaction with other children and adults not just immediate family

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:44:09

Of course they thrive from interaction with other children, that's not in question freudian at all. It's the ones that still think they can walk out of the door at 8.00am and get home at 7.00pm every day of the week from the child being born that worry me and say it's because i still have a life? Really? Don't have kids then.

Once you have a child they are more important than your career or anything else on this earth. For me, that's how it should be.

A good caring substitute is a wonderful thing for a limited time.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 01:45:36

How do children grow up thinking thats what women are for? what a mad statement.

blindworm Sat 02-Feb-13 01:53:06

Interested in whether you also disagree with school ClippedPhoenix, since wouldn't that be farming out your children when you could be educating them yourself? Is a teacher more acceptable than a trained nanny?

FreudiansSlipper Sat 02-Feb-13 01:54:06

so someone who chooses not to give up their career their child is less important to them

of course not they just make different choices to you they do not love or care for their children any less than you may do

ClippedPhoenix Sat 02-Feb-13 02:03:18

A child at school age is ready to do that so your argument is a bit silly really blindworm.

Freudian, your question is harder to answer of course.

A child from the age of 2 is more or less ready for dis-attachment and can be left with a carer full time, before that it should be the parent/s as sole carers with maybe a part time care thing going on. This is what i believe. I can't actually say where i work but i see soooo many babys and children that i know all of them are going to be fucked up by not having this.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 08:27:37

I pay a lot of money to farm out dc to whey faced staff in mrs hannigans daycare
does my heart break as go work ft.hell no.i love work love my kids,I'm good enough
if you're nursery nurse who finds it all so objectionable change jobs to one you like

forevergreek Sat 02-Feb-13 08:45:26

I think many here mis understand the point of a nanny. A nanny is the other attachment figure in a young child's life. Many work full time with a family and across the child's lifetime. Effectively giving that child three close attachment figures ( if two parents around)

The problem lies when a family have many different nannies, changing every year or so, or moving childcare every year as they grow

If a child is born and a nanny starts as often they do, at birth. Then stays until no longer needed, that child will know no difference and be just as close to them.

As a nanny I have only worked with minimum families. The longest I have been is birth-14 years as a full time nanny until charge went to boarding school, and even then charge would stay with me in holidays/ and now we are all still close, with the whole family meeting up for meals out/ invites to events. That's how a nanny works

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 08:50:58

parental attachment isn't absent if parent works.not at all
attachment is the reciprocal,consistent,stability of other significant adults
attachment disorder isn't formally diagnosed til @8yo and is rare psychiatric condition

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 08:57:17

lol,I see tuts about precious moments crew, but ok to talk of farm out kids
precious moments was phrase the postnatal mums they berated working mums
they'd never miss a widdle precious moment,and boy did they like to tell it like that

FanFuckingTastic Sat 02-Feb-13 11:02:47

I'm tutting at the hardcore at either end TBH. Black or white? Really? No shades between?

My children go to after school club every day for two hours, then get returned home. I am still non working mother, so according to some I am now the worst of both, rather than that shade of grey in between where this set up suits my family best.

Before I got ill, I sent DD to nursery full time at 12 months so I could study towards getting into university. It was honestly hard work, waking at 6am and often studying until 11pm at night. With a baby and a three year old. I did enjoy myself a lot, but I got so sick and ended up the way I am after pushing too hard and ignoring a kidney infection for exam time.

Pagwatch Sat 02-Feb-13 11:12:07

I agree FanFuckingTastic.
But these threads are always like this.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 11:30:21

yes because naturally we all think we are getting it right and will vociferously say so.thats the point innit

dont know why people get so het up.i dont for a moment care or act upon anyone opinion of daycare orphanage or avaricious working mums abandon kids

and i dont expect any housewife thinks aye sm has a point, better go be a good role model

Pagwatch Sat 02-Feb-13 11:40:20

grin I am not the slightest bit het up, if anyone's worried.

I don't think what I chose is best for anyone except me. And I don't really care what others do as long as it works or them. Nor do I care what others think of what I do.

These threads are quite interesting in terms of how different many people experiences and circumstances are, and how that can change. I am interested as my dc get older and the work/parenting choices they have to make starts to be a dot on the horizon.
But I confess I don't understand the need to just turn up on all of these threads and shout one relentless unchanging pov.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 11:42:14

so youre here to tell me not to be does that work?
significant pov are consistently held, people dont prevaricate about the big stuff
and as with all threads on mn,we all rock up to express in varying degree our own pov

Pagwatch Sat 02-Feb-13 11:49:06

Who is telling you not to be here Scottishmummy?

I'm not. I find you very entertaining. I don't understand loads of shit on here. Doesn't mean I want anyone not to post. Quite the contrary.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 12:04:00

sorry i appeae to have misunderstood
we all got to rub along, and i dont think it would work if itwas all yea love ya,fanks hun

Pagwatch Sat 02-Feb-13 12:07:41

God no. That would be hideous. Who would want to post where everyone endlessly agreed with each other <<shudder>>

BlackholesAndRevelations Sat 02-Feb-13 13:07:46

Is it just me who finds scottishmummy's posts incredibly hard to read, due to lack of grammar and general incoherence? I'm sorry that I deviate but seriously. And yes, there is also bitterness there in my humble opinion.

I have read this thread (in bits here and there, over a couple of days!) I am a full time teacher and it's actually killing me as I have two dc, 3 and 1. It breaks my heart having to put them in childcare. HOWEVER I got PND on maternity leave so I know being s SAHM isn't for me. I will be trying my very best to find part time work with less work to do at home, as I'm struggling.

I disagree that spending time with my children should come before my sanity; after all, what would happen to them if I ended up severely depressed? They need me to be happy and well balanced and that means, they need me to work (hopefully pt ASAP).

Also, I've always thought that they will probably need me more when they're of school age; to drop off/pick up/ go to assemblies etc. I am also really hoping that I get to go in and help in my dcs' classes as I know how invaluable parent helpers are.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 13:10:24

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FanFuckingTastic Sat 02-Feb-13 13:18:50

I understand her posts fine, they read well in Scottish.

Viviennemary Sat 02-Feb-13 13:20:01

I think it's up to the individual to make a choice according to their circumstances and what they want to do. If I could have afforded it I would have stayed at home for longer. At least till my youngest went to school. But I couldn't. But I don't like this I'm an SAHM I put my children first. We all put our children first and do the best we can for them.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 13:22:47

i do snigger at the cant understand a word posts. too garbled,poor syntax,appalling punctuation
then proceed quickly to tell me what offensive rot i type,as one struggles to read
funny one can read post just enough to know,no likey

Arisbottle Sat 02-Feb-13 13:27:32

I agree and often it is about what we can afford rather than what we thinking it is best, very few of us have our child free of economic pressure of some kind.

I always wanted to be a SAHM to all of my children as long as I could afford. However I have to balance that with wanting a large family . With our first my maternity leave was much much shorter than I would have liked because my husband was already supporting a child. With one child I managed the full five years because we were financially secure and had two children within a few years. With my youngest I had less time than I did with those to but I did change career to go into teaching because it was more family friendly. I made different decisions each time and they were all a balance of what I thought was best for our whole family . I hope to have one more child at least , I do not want to be a head teacher so I may take few years out. I may even take five years and then have a career change.

Arisbottle Sat 02-Feb-13 13:28:03

grin scottishmummy

BlackholesAndRevelations Sat 02-Feb-13 13:34:42

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BlackholesAndRevelations Sat 02-Feb-13 13:35:56

And the one and only family friendly thing about teaching is the holidays! I know it's an amazing bonus but I'd rather work two days or so out of teaching and not have all the constant pressure and hours and hours of work to do each evening and weekend.

Personally, I do whatever I damn well please.

Not that it is anyone's business but my own.

BlackholesAndRevelations Sat 02-Feb-13 13:37:36

Ps that last post is not in criticism to yours, arisbottle; if you can make it work I salute you (truthfully). I can't unfortunately.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 13:37:53

well thats refershing,beats the i simply cant understand your posts
the rub on mn is everyone reckons everyone else talks shit,except themselves
then we slug it out. the trick is dont personalise it.its only words on a screen

Arisbottle Sat 02-Feb-13 13:45:50

I suppose it depends on what career you had before. I can always be home for tea time.

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 14:45:19

sm always makes me chuckle, always curious as to what particular mode of technology you post on though! Unmistakable posting style.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 15:01:29

usually an ipad and laptop today as doing a presentation

jellybeans Sat 02-Feb-13 15:49:02

I am a very happy SAHM but was a WOHM with DD1. Both were right at the time for us. When I first worked we NEEDED the money for the bills, food etc. We had no car or holidays. I was a teenage mum..So some mums have to work although admittedly some choose to. And if that is what they want then that is right for them. I do feel sorry though for those who want to SAH but cannot and vice versa. Me SAH is best for us right now but I don't think SAH is right for everyone though. Also in some cases SAHD is a better option. Two of my close relatives were good SAHDs.

There is bitterness on both sides because when someone says why they do something it can be seen as an attack. eg want to raise own kids, don't want to be dependent/1950s housewife etc/lazy etc. If you are happy then don't worry what others think, life is too short!

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 15:54:30

i dont think there is bitterness,strident opinion.its only bitter if you make it so

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 16:21:27

i must say I take my hat off to anyone, usually female, who works full time and runs a home. I would be absolutely crackered unless I could pay for cleaners, shipping the ironing out, gardeners that kind of thing.

I suspect that can only be possible if you are in a very well paid ft position though - god knows how you would work all week and spend all weekend cleaning, choring etc. I do have a close friend who's DH is away a lot and she works ft, her cleaner just left and she is close to tears every time i see her as can't cope. Really hard choices to be made sometimes.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 16:25:53

hang on if both work ft,why do home/domestic stuff fall to female
both responsible,both sort it
if you work all week ft and then be martyr to household chores you're a fool

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 17:41:03

The DH works abroad all week, cleaner handed in her notice - yes she is trying to find someone else but in the meantime she is running on empty. Not a fool, circumstances.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 17:44:10

youre drip feeding,well clearly he cant share chores if not on same continent
maybe had yiu said that answer would been different
if hes away, then its her call, and needs adequate monies etc to make that decision

Tee2072 Sat 02-Feb-13 17:44:52

Eat bonbons and watch soaps. All day.*

I'm not actually a SAHM, I freelance with a fairly steady client base. But that's what I *wish I did!

Tee2072 Sat 02-Feb-13 17:45:13

And, obviously, not know to preview...

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 17:56:23

i said he's away a lot, doesn't really make much difference if he's in Hull or Geneva does it, he's not there to do the ironing or make the dinner.

They've got adequate money just not the person and she doesn't have time to find the person as she works full time.

<bangs head very slowly on table>

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 18:02:27

are you talking about yourself?whats the histrionics in wee brackets about
its not that surmountable if one has a internet and dosh to find a stranger to pay to do tasks
you phone reputable agency,or ask a pal for recommendation.easy peasy

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 18:03:09

No I am not talking about myself.

Fucking hell you are hard work aren't you?

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 18:04:42

not at all,but i fear all that slow head banging may have affected you somewhat

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 18:06:24


Most humourless and predictable poster, always on these threads.

<sighs> <in wee brackets just to annoy>

Xenia Sat 02-Feb-13 18:07:44

The housewives on the whole sound pretty miserable on the thread, no role, nothing to do so the answer is work, don't play second fiddle to a man and earn pin or no money and then the route to happiness is yours.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 18:09:38

you are v easily wound up, if you bang your head about something as inconsequential about pals inability to recruit a a cleaner
she ask for a recommendation, or go online,or post on mn. isnt hard to recruit

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 18:12:28

You were reason for headbanging not her jeez. Think I may need to go and do some mundane domestic task as possibly more rewarding.

I was wondering what had taken you so long Xenia!

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 18:14:42

ha ha yes all the usual suspects!

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 18:16:07

let me tye slowly let you catch up,the head banging yes its all about you
that's v apparent

freerangelady Sat 02-Feb-13 18:20:00

Scottishmummy - it can depend on where you live. My mum has been trying to get a cleaner for 3 months and has just found someone. They are like gold dust around here.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 18:24:46

in that case id post on mn, or try get pal recommendation

Curiosa Sat 02-Feb-13 18:26:01

Am I alone in never been able to shake off my upbringing, where it was considered not the done thing to watch television in the day?

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 18:38:03

Sm seeing as you seem so concerned, she lives in very rural area and as freerangelady said it is nigh in impossible to get somebody decent. I'm sure she will feel loads better when I tell her easy it is to sort out.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 18:40:05

youre v involved in your friends domestics
over involved if it causes head banging,albeit slowly

Tee2072 Sat 02-Feb-13 18:43:49

So predictable...

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 18:44:19

Of course I am involved, I care about my friend very much and don't like to see her not coping.

Why are you banging on so much about it? Most peculiar.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 18:49:08

you raised topic,youve elaborated at length,you posted it on-line
why do you need to share it
why is it so significant for you

ouryve Sat 02-Feb-13 18:53:32

Tee, don't you find time to watch Jerry Springer, too? grin

(easily amused by IOW hark back!)

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 18:55:19

The thread is in general about people's experiences of working or not working and combining it with child rearing. If you looked at my first contribution I said that I really admired women (usually is) who can combine the two successfully and went on to mention a friend who was really struggling and how I felt for her and her situation.

Not madly off topic is it? Not greatly significant to me, although friend is of concern but is relevant to this discussion.

ssd Sat 02-Feb-13 19:03:15

blackholesandrevelations, don't be so feckin patronising

this posted to scottishmummy " You talk shit. Since when do Scottish people miss whole words out of sentences when speaking?"

who says scottishmummy is Scottish? how do you know what she is?

in my humble opinion hmm

Tee2072 Sat 02-Feb-13 19:04:01

Please, I have some standards! grin

IOW? Delphi? hmm

Tensixtysix Sat 02-Feb-13 19:08:51

Life is too short to worry about what others are thinking. I'm not a domestic goddess but I have lists to get through each day and even with the kids at school I only get six hours a day to fit everything in.
Most of the evening is spent ferrying kids to after school activities, so after school runs, shopping, cooking and cleaning, the only real time I have to myself is two hours at the most and we don't get home until 8pm most nights.

It's what makes us happy as indivifuals that counts smile or what works best for your family.

Some women want to be a sahm or work, some have to sah or work due to money/childcare reasons.

I'm a sahm, i do the odd crafts, cleaning, washing, hoovering, tidying, changing/making beds, organizing, my dd is 2, i take her to the park, colour in with her, take her on playdates, play games, make her lunch etc, get childrens lunchbags made, sort uniforms etc & now dh is redundant sad, he shares the chores with me whilst searching for work.

FanFuckingTastic Sat 02-Feb-13 20:30:45

I'm actually really quite happy considering the general state of things Xenia. At the right time some studying or volunteering might make me happier, but right now got plenty to focus on.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 02-Feb-13 21:02:32

if I were a sahm I would learn another language, learn an instrument, swim, read, write a play, garden, do up my house and read. I can't imagine being bored.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 02-Feb-13 21:12:16

I really don't know why anyone gives a shit how anyone else spends their day. Why do these threads always descend into sahm versus wohm? In real life I don't know anyone who cares.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 21:15:53

why?because its contentious we all think we are doing right thing,and will defend our position
frankly folk on mn get angsty about stuff ive never heard discussed in rl
but that is pleasure and wtf factor of mn.thats its not rl,this isn't conversation

Arisbottle Sat 02-Feb-13 21:20:45

Obviously it does matter that there was a group of women who wanted to pursue careers outside of the home and made that happen so that others could follow in their footsteps .

I know women have always worked, but they have not always been able to have fulfilling careers in all sectors.

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 21:23:57

I'm never bored either, ever.

alistron1 Sat 02-Feb-13 22:03:59

I was lucky enough to be able to gift myself a year as a SAHM when my youngest son was in reception. My partner was really supportive of it - I'd spent 11 years juggling 4 kids/work/studying. We referred to it as my gap year.

I filled my days watching crap TV, having naps and reading. It was bloody great. 4 years on I work FT and I look back on that year with great fondness ;) However, I do love knowing that I'm financially independent, have good prospects and don't 'need' DP to support me. Plus I get a lot of satisfaction from being good at my job.

morethanpotatoprints Sat 02-Feb-13 22:26:30

I love threads like these.

The usual posters who have never been, wouldn't want to be, have no idea about, always have to chirp their 5 penneth. grin

It would be so funny to join in the wohm, for those never working since having dc. Only on Mnet!

inthewildernessbuild Sat 02-Feb-13 22:28:42

I have a child with ASD, and two others. We are pursuing a dyspraxia assessment for my 12 year old on top of ASD 10 year old. 10 year old now requires specialist tutoring for academic problems. We are trying to sort out the house/garden which needs re-organising/extension and not pay for landscaping if we can do a lot ourselves. My husband is settng up his new business this year (although that is a help to have him around) Children seem to get ill in rotation about once a month. Numerous appointments for my health, let alone dcs health... Three lots of voluntary work. Attempt at retaining a social life, which is difficult afterschool and weekends otherwise. Helping with elderly parents in crises. Learning the piano, and relearning to drive on motorways. Holiday flexibility.

All I can say is, Thank God I am not working out of the home or I would go crazy trying to juggle it all. As it is, I am exhausted! However, saying that I used to do 3 days volunteering, and it was very satisfying in itself, just caused chaos when I got home again. Sometimes the job is very satisfying, but somewhere else people are shortchanged.

My aim is to get to the fun bit of SAHMing. Ladies' lunches, museums, films, walks by river, coffee mornings, swims, and shopping, baking, organisin dinner parties.wink So far there is no time!!! I must try harder to prioritize the fun bits!

inthewildernessbuild Sat 02-Feb-13 22:31:41

And I still have never watched any daytime tv, which is a pity. Or had my hair done. Or my nails. Or used my sewng machine or done any courses. Ridiculous!

impty Sat 02-Feb-13 22:50:39

The housewife's sound miserable? Not me! I love my life. It's interesting, fun and fulfilling.
What we should ALL aim for!

And I just don't agree with the assessment that the "housewives" on this thread do sound miserable - I think in the main they sound gently content - quite peaceful and relaxed.

If I don't sound 100% contented myself (and who is really ?) then that could be that I'm not a settled SAHM but looking to return to P/T work mainly (but not entirely) for financial reasons - to balance family budget and afford to do more interesting things with my pre-teens.

I think for those whose family finances are not stretched the SAHP's seem very content smile

morethanpotatoprints Sat 02-Feb-13 23:05:08

"The housewifes sound miserable".

I don't wohm and don't have a specific role which is great for me as I am a person not a machine that has a general purpose, lol.
I don't particularly watch tv at any time of day really, unless there is something specific that interests me or dd. I will occassionally watch the news.
My life is also fulfilling, fun and interesting. I think people who don't have this in life are miserable however they define themselves, whether they work or not.

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 23:10:36

i love my life too but totally accept that being at home isn't for everyone. I don't ever criticise anybody who chooses to work ft though, so just don't get all the sneering and animosity towards SAHM's. That we must all be miserable housewives makes me laugh.

I've never watched daytime tv, done a crossword, signed up for a course or learnt a language either though it has to be said.

BlackholesAndRevelations Sat 02-Feb-13 23:29:55

ssd, you what?! The clue is in the name, plus the odd "aye" and "wee", plus the comment another poster made about her posting style reading well in Scotland, or something along those lines. Is that ok with you?

Ps what exactly is wrong with "IMHO"?

Mumsnet is like a strange parallel universe....

Permanentlyexhausted Sat 02-Feb-13 23:42:51

I find the way threads like this turn out quite bizarre (and the OP seemed quite a reasonable question).

The vast majority of SAHMs seem quite happy with the life they are leading so I don't get why some posters are so adamant they must be bored, wasting their lives, or setting their children a bad example.

Equally, it is clear that the vast majority of WOHMs are doing their absolute level best for their children and that those children are happy and well-looked after even when it isn't by mum, so I don't really understand why some posters are so adamant that WOHMs are 'farming out' their children and putting their careers first.

I am a WOHM with a full-time job. My 3 best real life 'mum' friends, who all have children the same age as mine, are a WOHM with a part time job, a self-employed lady who completely dictates her own hours, and a SAHM. All our children have their strengths and weaknesses, all are, for the most part, happy, and we all find we are dealing with the same behavioural issues.

Seriously, all this in-fighting isn't necessary and doesn't achieve anything.

bringmeroses Sat 02-Feb-13 23:43:58

Xenia you haven't read this thread properly have you! I like the posters who've said do what is right for you. We all have such different circumstances and there are times when parenting is hard for all of us. Working of stay at home. So let's be more supportive and understanding of one another. We are individuals as well as mothers.

Talking of courses Sula - I've just (this morning) signed up for a course on Music theory and I also enjoyed the first of the new series "Howard Goodall's Guide to Music" tonight.
So that's my new project - to learn about music and then maybe take up playing the piano again. But first of all just to understand and learn more about it.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 23:47:38

individuals as well as mothers whod have thunk it...clintons cards?
i mean really,what does that even mean
v woo hoo us muthas are goddesses, and individuals

Sulawesi Sat 02-Feb-13 23:52:39

Juggling that sounds great! Brilliant to have a project on the go whether you work or not.

I have horses and dogs that give me great pleasure and a luxury to be able to attend to them in daylight it has to be said.

I'm naturally a bit of a layabout and the corporate world would finish me off by lunchtime so I'm best off out of the rat race tbh!

bringmeroses Sat 02-Feb-13 23:55:48

Scottish I got ya!!

Reach into your heart, you know you love all of humankind despite your obvious enjoyment of a healthy debate. Many cliches are true grin

CheerfulYank Sun 03-Feb-13 03:15:22

We should all just do what works best for us and our families.

I do SAH during the day and work "for pin money" hmm in the evenings. And I'm happy. I like being the one to drop off and pick up DS at preschool, etc. I like tidying my house and reading and walking the dog or whatever else I decide to do during the day.

A good friend of mine works a lot at a radio station; she's very high up in her career and loves it. Her DH sah part time and then they have a nanny. (They have 2 girls) She is very happy.

Both of us are doing what is best for us. Both of us are loving parents to children who will turn out just fine.

Comments about SAHMs = unhappy martyrs and WOHMs = career-obsessed women who farm out their kids are untrue and unhelpful.

princessnumber2 Sun 03-Feb-13 07:44:36

Haven't read whole thread but I'm SAHM looking to return to work soonish (within 6-12 months). Was recently offered a full time role but turned it down as couldn't face both parents working full time with 2 young kids. (partner works away a lot and his job is beyond full time, v unpredictable hours etc). I do some chores - washing, shopping, cooking etc. but also study for another degree, volunteer (in professional capacity but also bit of PTA type stuff too) and network, organise training etc to keep my hand in/find work. I miss working but for the first time in my life I don't need to work for financial reasons. I'm enjoying the chance to cherry pick the work and training I enjoy the most and feel more positive about returning to a job I really enjoy. It's also nice to pick up from school every day and get all their news and worries without feeling rushed.

CorrieDale Sun 03-Feb-13 08:01:19

I am a sahm and I love it but I realised that if I didn't have something to do that could be finished I would go bonkers. Because housework is never-ending and the children constantly need fixing. It's just Groundhog Day. So I started making clothes that I sell online and at a country market. It can be tricky coz nobody really thinks I work do my friends think I can always meet up for coffee and my mum and my sister think I should be able to do the 1 hour round trip to visit my mum 3rimes a week. But at least I get a sense of achievement every time I send out a garment.

AmberSocks Sun 03-Feb-13 13:22:46

i am a sahm and i also home ed my kids,not with any curriculum though,they just learn as they go along.

I dont know what i would do if they were all at schoo,i dont think i would be bored as i would find something to do and maybe concentrate more on my own interests but i would miss the noise!

We go on nature walks,go to the beach,the farm,the park,the library,go to visit friends,do lots of messy play,bake,nap whenever we want,watch films and go on lots of holidays(in term time its so much cheaper)

One day they wiil all be grown up and i will look back on this time with great fondness!

I cant imagine a job i wouldenjoy as much as i do being at home.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 03-Feb-13 14:11:36


grin. Its amazing how H.ed can fill your day, I too enjoy it so much. My dd used to go to school and now she is at home we have lots of fun and I get to see her grow up and mature, through learning. Dh works mostly from home and is lucky to be able to choose the work he does, so we share domestic and education responsibilities, have lots of time out and about, certainly no time to be bored for any of us. I think being bored just lacks imagination grin

One golden rule/ zero tolerance style thing DH has with the children is that he has no truck (in quite a nice, reasonable but firm, way) with the DC's saying they're "bored" The most sympathetic response they'd get from him for that would be "well, go and find something to do then !"
I'm sure the same applies to grown-ups - there is plenty to explore in the world, even between 9 and 3 !

morethanpotatoprints Sun 03-Feb-13 20:47:45


Music to my ears. The word bored has always been considered as bad as a swear word as far as I'm concerned, its how I was brought up too.

There is a whole world of fascination out there, and no time to be bored as lifes too short.
I think your idea for starting up music again is brilliant, I play clarinet sometimes. I would like to do more but the music room either has dd practising, dh practising or teaching and I'm quite often last, smile.

Good luck with the piano and theory, hope it goes well. smile

Thanks potatoprints - what a lovely encouraging post to read on a Monday morning ! thanks

morethanpotatoprints Mon 04-Feb-13 12:42:23

Today so far I have supervised dds music practice, bit of housework whilst she had a lesson. English and maths lesson with dd. prepped dinner for tonight as taking dd to dance lessons later. Made lunch for me, dd, dh. This afternoon bit of shopping, maybe reading with dd, bit more domestic stuff, prep some work for dd tomorrow and then free time for myself.

Rowgtfc72 Mon 04-Feb-13 22:05:46

I went back to work six years ago when dd was six months old. I have always worked. DHs shifts have now changed and in four weeks I will have to leave work as we cant both have a six o clock starts and as Im already part time my employer is no way going to be flexible to work round this. Weve looked into anything that fits round his shifts and no/minimal childcare with no luck. Im dreading being a SAHM and a skint one at that. I was climbing the wall after six weeks with baby DD !

morethanpotatoprints Mon 04-Feb-13 22:14:54


Really sorry to hear about your employment predicament. It may seem harder for you because being a sahm isn't by choice but you never know you may thrive.
Firstly it doesn't cost any money to get out and about with your dc, and making sure you get out is important. If you are not the mother and baby group type it doesn't matter, I wasn't either. I think it is important to have a break from kids and also to make sure you have time for you. I don't mean a bath, I mean personal to you, something you enjoy doing. I hope it works well for you, or that you find suitable work if this is possible.

analogue Tue 05-Feb-13 13:03:48

Wow what an interesting thread. It has taken me days to get through it, even though I am a stay at home mum, I also do lots of freelance work and am always busy. Bored just isn't in my vocabulary - I don't have enough hours in the day as it is and I don't work full time! We are also doing up a house and as it is a dump, it is never clean! I actually hold off cleaning now because I found I could do it all day every day and nobody ever noticed. We all notice the money from freelancing instead of cleaning, so I focus on that.

The reason I stay at home and run my own business (apart from the fact that I want to and love it) is that after childcare, I would be working for free or a few quid a month. I would much rather we lived a little more frugally than put my son in full time care for £150 per month net. I can make a full time wage from part time work by staying at home and many families with one high earner and one mediocre earner are in that position. Some of us can't afford to go to work - the price is too high in many ways.

Everyone is doing the best they can in their own circumstances and I think others look down on us and make us feel guilty no matter what choices we make. The answer is just to not give a flying fuck what anyone thinks and enjoy living your life.

Thanks for that last line analogue - you made me smile smile

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