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To think it was awful to leave this girl out of whole class party just because shes new?

(92 Posts)
stormforce10 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:11:16

DD came home with a party invitation tonight. She rushed over with it and ad I knew she'd be able to go I told party girls mum that dd would love to come. She said that was great and they'd invited whole class except for girl who was new this term as they didn't really know anything about her or her family.

AIBU to have responded "sorry I think you should have asked her its hard enough being new as it is without being left out of something like this" Party girls mum just said well luckily its nothing to do with you and walked off. Fair enough nothing to do with me but couldn't leave it unsaid

AIBU?

stormforce10 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:12:58

Year 2 so 6 & 7 year olds by the way

Roseformeplease Tue 29-Jan-13 21:13:20

I was that girl once. New to a school overseas so lots of changes in pupils. Not only was I left out, I was clearly told why (My Mum says she doesn't know if she will like you or not) and it really, really hurt. Actually, nearly 40 years on, it still does. Well done for sticking up for her. yANBU

Ponderingonaquandry Tue 29-Jan-13 21:13:27

As the 'new family' yanbu it sucks when your kid is left out because they moved into the area

halcyondays Tue 29-Jan-13 21:13:48

Yanbu

McNewPants2013 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:15:06

Yanbu, as a parent I would think this would be a good way to make a posible new friend.

mirry2 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:15:25

Good for you stormface. That mother sounds horrid and she's sending a dreadful message to her child about exclusion.

chickencurryfor7 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:15:41

YANBU and good for you! I don't know that I'd have been that brave, I'm a bit of a wuss at the school gates and try and keep my head down.

What an awful thing to do to a new child!

SirBoobAlot Tue 29-Jan-13 21:17:53

Poor girl. That mum sounds delightful hmm

LoganMummy Tue 29-Jan-13 21:18:24

YANBU the other mum offered the information she had left one person out, it's not like you found out and then challenged her on it.
I would have said the same thing.

PrettyKitty1986 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:18:26

No YANBU. Ds1 had his 5th birthday party on Sunday, and I made sure I asked at school that I was ok to use the class list we had at Xmas...I had to check they hadn't had anyone join this month because I would have felt so awful leaving one out. I even persuaded the school secretary to use their texting system to send a message to the parents of two kids that had been off the whole week the invites went out so that they knew lol.
Very mean of her.

LittleChimneyDroppings Tue 29-Jan-13 21:18:40

Mean cow. She sounds horrible.

specialsubject Tue 29-Jan-13 21:19:00

it is a pity that someone breeds with the school bully. It is the MUM that is doing this? Do they think that a six year old will wreck the joint?

well, you know what to do when it is your daughter's party. Although is it possible to get all the other mums together and for everyone to refuse this invite?

toffeelolly Tue 29-Jan-13 21:21:06

yanbu That is terrible to leave a child out like that, ho like that

carabos Tue 29-Jan-13 21:22:22

When I was a kid we used to compete to be friends with the newbie. I've never heard anything quite so horrible - what a ghastly woman.

greenpostit Tue 29-Jan-13 21:23:18

Yanbu in principle.

However you could have possibly been a bit more diplomatic. Instead of saying I think you should have asked her, you could have said something softer and more positive like - my dd says new girl is really nice and maybe pointed out her mum or something like that.

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Tue 29-Jan-13 21:23:46

YANBU! Good on you for saying what you did!

Can't believe a grown woman would act like this. Its ridiculous.

Poor little girl sad
I wonder what she'd say if it were her own daughter at a new school!

Could you invite the little girl for a playdate sometime? I'm sure her and her family would really appreciate it!

stormforce10 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:24:43

Thank you was wondering if I went too far by saying what I did even though I wouldn't go back on it as I meant it.

DD's got a couple of girls coming for lunch and play at weekend. Do you think it would be a good idea to pop a note to new girl and ask her along as well? DD seems to get on well with her and from the little I've seen of her mum she seems lovely. Four 6 / 7 year olds will be no harder than 3 grin

helpyourself Tue 29-Jan-13 21:24:57

Good for you OP.

delphinedownunder Tue 29-Jan-13 21:25:59

yANBU and I am glad you were blunt. Well done. Can I have your backbone please!!

stormforce10 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:26:19

Greenpostit you're right I should have been more diplomatic. However I was so surprised I engaged mouth before brain

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Tue 29-Jan-13 21:26:26

I think you should definitely invite her! You sound like a really nice person by the way smile

toffeelolly Tue 29-Jan-13 21:27:46

yanbu that is terrible to treat a child like that what age is this woman . how would she like somebody to treat her child in this way . what a horrid person . cannot understand how a parent could act like this .

xxDebstarxx Tue 29-Jan-13 21:28:07

What a lovely welcome hmm

Well done for saying what you said. YA sooooooooooooo NBU.

KC225 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:29:14

Good for you. How awful for that little girl.

One month before the end of the year a girl joined our reception class from abroad. The class rep mailed everyone the week before and told us to look out for the family in the playground and introduce ourselves. On her first day she got two party invitations for upcoming parties. Her Mother said she couldn't believe how friendly and welcoming the class was.

DizzyHoneyBee Tue 29-Jan-13 21:31:19

There is no way YABU.

steppemum Tue 29-Jan-13 21:34:09

think you are amazing op to have said it to her (I would have been shock and thought what to say afterwards)

It is just okain mean. If you invite whole class, then you aren't inviting people because they are your dds friends, but just inviting everyone, so why leave anyone out?

Thank you for sticking up for that little girl. I hope the woman feels some guilt and brings the girl an invite tomorrow.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 29-Jan-13 21:34:54

That woman will probably be on AIBU explaining crossly she issued invitations and got a strip torn off her by not inviting a new girl.

YANBU what a poor welcome for the new girl - nice of you to stand up and say something. Maybe party mum will reconsider? wild optimist

Anyway how thoughtful of you to ask new girl along to your DD's lunch + play date.

Yanbu. Obviously kids pick their friends to go but if it's a whole class party then no one should be left out!! No ones going to
Get to
Know her if she's not invited anywhere. How bloody mean!!!!

Wow.

I cannot believe how rude the other mum is, not only for leaving the new girl out but for her response to you as well.

She sounds like a real delight... Fancy not inviting a six year old to a party because you don't know anything about her family?

What would she need to know about the family to decide if they are 'acceptable' company? My initial suspicion is about money I'm afraid... But maybe I'm just cynical sad

lovethesun1 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:39:51

Well done you! What a horrible woman-she prob isn't used to being pulled up on her awful behaviour. Yes,I would certainly extend your playdate invite to this little girl, hopefully others will follow your example & not Mrs Mean's!

AllDirections Tue 29-Jan-13 21:40:37

A new girl started in DD3's class on the day she handed out invitations for the whole class a few weeks ago. I really felt for that little girl that night. She got her invitation the next day smile

CalamityJ Tue 29-Jan-13 22:17:55

Well done you for actually saying it not just thinking it! Yes she should have invited the new girl simply just to be nice! I love the fact party mum didn't invite her because she doesn't know anything about her or her family. And how's that going to change if you don't include her in things?

Chubfuddler Tue 29-Jan-13 22:22:08

I couldn't pick out 75% of ds's classmates parents in an ID parade.

What kind of loony bases a seven year olds party on whether they know the family? I bet she sends round robins at Christmas.

bumhead Tue 29-Jan-13 22:24:42

YADDDNBU

Good on you! I think if it was me I wouldn't take the new girl and my DD out somewhere nice on the day of the party instead. I've been the one left out as a child and it's happened to my DD and it breaks my heart to think of how hurtful it can feel.
Party girls mum sounds like a right bitch!

pigletmania Tue 29-Jan-13 22:25:56

What a nasty woman, I am shock. I would not let dd go to that party

Hulababy Tue 29-Jan-13 22:26:19

YANBU and well done you on actually saying something to the mum.
How awful of the mother; who could ever thing that would be okay to do?
Poor little girl.

Re asking the new girl for tea - yes, do that.

pigletmania Tue 29-Jan-13 22:26:59

Do something nice with the new girl instead. Good on you for sticking up fr her

I always find it amazing how many mums control the guest lists of their children's parties as opposed to the children inviting who they would like to be there.

Makes you wonder who the child actually is...

YANBU.

Geekster Tue 29-Jan-13 22:31:06

Good for you. We have just moved to a new area and are finding it hard enough, at least my DD is too young to know about things like this. That poor child. I'm glad you stuck up for her.

Startail Tue 29-Jan-13 22:33:20

YANBU
She is not being at all nice.

Generally, it's Y5 before you let DDs control the guest list, or it changes three times before the party.

fluffygal Tue 29-Jan-13 22:33:33

YANBU- my daughter is the new girl in her class in year 1, since september. She hasn't been invited to any girls parties yet despite always talking about various girls. DD told me the reason why she wasn't invited is because 'my mum doesn't know your mum'. It has really upset me, I work so am rarely on the school run, we went to one boys party and they all blanked me so when will they ever know me? Will she always be left out?

It doesn't help that some of the girls call her fat (they are 5 and 6 year olds!) So she is having a tough time fitting in. When she asked them why they called her fat (she is a stick) they told her 'because you are new'.

pigletmania Tue 29-Jan-13 22:35:42

Fluffy gal that is so sad people can be so wicked

As the moves around a lot child of a moves around a lot mother, THANK YOU. The Mum is obviously a nasty, clique type. thanks

LiveItUp Tue 29-Jan-13 22:37:28

YANBU. Well done you, and yes do invite her with the others to yours at the weekend. Nothing worse than being left out. What an evil woman.

MrsMushroom Tue 29-Jan-13 22:42:43

Yanbu my DD began her new school in the beginning of year 3...when all the friendships had formed. The first week, another mum and her DD came up and asked her to tea and the 2nd week she had an invitation to a party.

Those kindnesses have never been forgotten.

diaimchlo Tue 29-Jan-13 22:52:09

YADNBU the birthday girl's mother is!!!!!!

My daughter always throws birthday parties for her children and includes the whole class... one year there was a boy whose Grandmother was so pleased he had been invited as everyone else had excluded him due to his behaviour at school, she cried.........

GaryBarlowsPants Tue 29-Jan-13 22:58:06

YANBU - well done you for sticking up for the new little girl. I'm willing to bet you made that Mother feel ashamed/embarrassed, hence the defensive response.
I think your idea to the newbie to DD's get together is lovely - if only there were more people like you around.

RafflesWay Tue 29-Jan-13 23:02:24

What an upsetting post but Storm thank goodness for lovely mums like you and fluffy your experience must be heartbreaking. Who could possibly treat any child like this and especially another mum. Ddddnbu!!

RaisinBoys Tue 29-Jan-13 23:13:44

Good for you.

MariusEarlobe Tue 29-Jan-13 23:23:59

Yanbu, this happened my my dd who's whole SCHOOL (tiny village school where they had all moved up from same nursery but we hadnt) were invited to a big private hire of play barn, private hire of food place, followed by big disco and expensive party bags. (parents were loaded).

Only dd and a boy with sen were not invited.
Dd had been at the school nine months but we weren't from the village.

ShiftyFades Tue 29-Jan-13 23:26:02

YANBU, well done you and I hope that silly woman rethinks her opinion very quickly. Poor little girl sad

I had something similar for DS's birthday. I recalled a few names from the previous party and spoke to his key worker at nursery about any extras to invite. One little boy who was on my list already was not recommended "because he's quiet"blush
Surely that's all the more reason to include him?!!!!
During the Christmas holidays I met up with him and his mum and we took the boys to the cinema and a soft play area. Yes he's quiet, but he's nice enough, he just needs to feel included.
If every parent listened to the nursery staff he'd never be invited to any parties sad

ShiftyFades Tue 29-Jan-13 23:27:22

Marius that's awful angry

mirry2 Wed 30-Jan-13 01:31:27

shifty - how awful for the little boy. Makes me weep at the insensitivity of some people in the job of looking after children.

Lueji Wed 30-Jan-13 01:48:40

YANBU

They may not feel particularly bad, as they are new and probably realise that it takes some time.
But, welcoming them would be a good thing to do.

The mother doesn't seem very nice, BTW. Why would she even mention that the new girl wasn't invited?
I hope people are more friendly if she ever moves to a new area.

A stranger is a potential friend. :-) (not sure what the actual quote is)

MerryCouthyMows Wed 30-Jan-13 01:55:58

Blimey, do people really leave DC's out of whole class parties just because they're new?!

I made a last minute addition (literally 36 hours before the party) addition once when a new boy joined DS1's class that day. It was a WHOLE class party - the clue is in the word 'whole', surely?!

NellysKnickers Wed 30-Jan-13 07:01:31

What a bitch. YANBU. Disgusting behaviour from a grown woman. My dc would not be attending that party and I'd tell the vile cow why.

complexnumber Wed 30-Jan-13 09:35:22

Were the invitations handed out in class? My kids' Primary schools have always said invitations can only be handed out in class if the whole class is invited or all boys/girls depending on party giver's gender. I would contact the teacher or school and suggest that this should be the procedure as it's unfair on the new girl to see the exclusion before her eyes.

Jo2508 Wed 30-Jan-13 09:36:29

YANBU, my dd (almost 9) is going to be the new girl soon as we are moving back to the UK from abroad in May/June and I am so worried that she is going to experience this kind of situation. I really hope that there are more parents like you than like the mother you have described. It's a hard enough time for children being the new person at school.
But maybe she just overreacted to the way you said it and will give it some thought and change her mind hopefully.

DeepRedBetty Wed 30-Jan-13 09:39:41

Lueji I think the quote is 'A stranger is a friend you haven't met yet' or something like.

yanbu op, and I hope karma bites the nasty mum on the bum.

Pixieonthemoor Wed 30-Jan-13 09:48:53

Good for you OP. Gah! Why are people so MEAN?!! What an utter cow this woman is, to exclude a 6 yr old and then to tell you it's nothing to do with you!! I hope for the new family's sake that there are more mums like you at the school (kind, thoughtful, welcoming) than bitchface and her horrible exclusions.

Well done for saying something.

This thread is making me sob - because of the sheer small-minded pettiness of PartyMum who is probably mortified that OP called her on it; and also because of the tales of generosity and inclusion from other posters. thanks all round.

It is fine not to include someone from a small group, but to do so with a whole class (or school confused ) party is despicable.

HormonalHousewife Wed 30-Jan-13 09:58:44

Bloody hell... its hard enough being new without all this. I can't believe people think like that.

Well done for making a stand.

Recently a new boy joined DS's class. There are 2 classes in the year and a little girl in the next class was having a party and invites were handed out to all before christmas. When i texted my reply (late - in the new year ) I also said did she know there was a new boy just started ?. It never crossed my mind to think other class mum wouldnt want to invite him.

New boy and sister turned up to the party smile

SilverBellsandCockleShells Wed 30-Jan-13 10:04:29

My daughter changed school over the summer and also went into year 2. She had a party invitation over the summer holidays before she'd even got to school and another within a week of being there. And I don't think they were even whole class parties, it's just polite to include the new people!

Well done for sticking up for her!

Ragwort Wed 30-Jan-13 10:08:39

Wow, shocking. We moved recently and my DS was immediately invited to a boy's party - actually a very special and expensive 'outing' type party that only a very few children were invited to. I was so grateful to that family for making my DS so welcome smile.

ChaoticintheNewYear Wed 30-Jan-13 11:27:49

Well done OP for speaking up. You sound lovely unlike party mum smile

stormforce10 Wed 30-Jan-13 12:29:01

Phew

Saw party mum this morning and she stomped j she said "since you're obviously going to turn everyone against me if I don't I've invited X to Y's party. Lets hope her family turn out to be alright shall we?" She then turned round and walked off without another word.

Perhaps she's seen this thread?

Flabbergasted at such nastiness but glad for X and happy I said something. I barely know the woman and now not sure I want to. God knows what she says about me to other people and I don't care

DD happy to invite X along on Saturday as she likes her so will sort out a note to her mum and hopefully pass it along at pick up time.

She probably came on to AIBU to say "WIBU to uninvite this child after her mother was so rude and entitled" then read this and went "ah bollocks".

grin

xxDebstarxx Wed 30-Jan-13 12:32:10

Ha! She probably told other people what you said and how she responded and they all went shock at her nastiness so she had to backtrack and invite the girl.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 30-Jan-13 12:45:25

What a peculiar woman <shrug> well after all this hope everyone has a great time.

pigletmania Wed 30-Jan-13 12:45:54

That's a fantastic outcome, what a nasty vile woman, don't think she is alright and I would hate to be associated with someone like that

Good for you standing up, it is presumably 2hrs in some hall/ soft play, how wrong can it go. For dd1's WHOLE class party we invited a boy we knew would be starting after the holidays. Dd2 has decided to invite the new girl as one of her six guests. IMHO there is only one justification for leaving a child out and that is long term sustained bullying by that child to the party child, even then a smaller party is better. Probably everyone else gave her the same reaction. Hope it goes well at the weekend.

What difference does it make if 'the family' are OK????
Surely it's the little girl that matters here.
Weird woman. Sounds vile and mouthy as well.
It is lovely that she is being included and all down to you!!! Well done!

Good for you standing up to that horrid woman! shock

pigletmania Wed 30-Jan-13 13:10:34

You did a wonderful thing feel very proud for speaking up for that child. Wat a nasty woman for thinking its ok to leave one child out, what if the tables were turned and it was her child

kilmuir Wed 30-Jan-13 13:12:12

bloody horrid parents.
Why not invite her round to yours

Herrena Wed 30-Jan-13 13:44:48

When is this party meant to be op?

I'm asking because NastyMum's response was quite telling; she assumed you would turn everyone against her, so presumably that's what she would do in your situation. I'd be wary of her trying to depict you as some holier-than-thou cow. At least you should bear her possible attitude in mind if anyone comes up to you and starts discussing the party whilst squinting at you curiously. If it's sometime in the future then she has more chance to gossip....

If anyone does speak to you about it in an 'angling for gossip' sort of way, I would avoid the topic of the new child unless they bring it up first. If they do, then your stock response should be something like 'Yes, I'm really happy X is coming too, it will be a good chance for him/her to make friends' and leave it at that. It's a nice short positive reponse that people can't really argue with!

If they mention your disagreement with NastyMum, maybe just shrug and say something noncommital like 'never mind' or 'it'll all be fine I'm sure'. Nice short non-detailed answers so you can't be accused of saying anything bitchy (I'm sure you wouldn't anyway).

I think you did the right thing in standing up to her in the first place and I am impressed by your backbone smile

Meikyo Wed 30-Jan-13 13:44:50

YANBU - and well done for saying what you did.

My DD (age 10) started at a new school in January. She got a party invitation the first week and has also been invited to play and to tea by different girls in her new class. She is in her 4th week at new school and seems v happy. I'm so grateful that her new classmates' parents are not like the horror in your post!

HecateWhoopass Wed 30-Jan-13 14:19:19

What on earth made her think that a) you would turn everyone against her and b) you had the power to do that even if you wanted to? [boggle]

More likely that she had a strop and a sulk then realised you were right and her behaviour is stupid. And is cross with you for pointing it out grin

Unless of course you went round the rest of the mums whispering "X is a poo poo pants, if you're friends with her, you can't be friends with me..."

CrapBag Wed 30-Jan-13 14:23:43

YANBU. How horrible!!

I thought it was bad enough the other day when a mum stood in the playground giving out invites in a very obvious was, about 2 thirds of the class were invited including everyone in the group I was stood with. No invite for DS though. Luckily he was playing and didn't notice but I thought she could have been bloody discrete about it though.

Thats why I am glad we have gone for DS inviting 5 friends to do an activity this year rather than the party thing. I think I will do this from now on.

IslaValargeone Wed 30-Jan-13 14:37:12

She sounds very strange indeed, especially after the follow up comment. Having said that, although your sentiment of thinking the new girl should also be included was great, I think your initial comment was rude and should have been phrased far more diplomatically.

stormforce10 Wed 30-Jan-13 14:39:50

Damn you Hecate how did you find out what I whispered in other mum's ears? Are you a mum at DDs school too?

For variety I whispered to some of them "x is a smelly meany don't share your sweeties with her"

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 30-Jan-13 14:42:03

The party would be a perfect opportunity for the new girl to get to know everyone.

You wonder what chance her daughter has growing up with the lack of empathy her mother seems to have don't you!

Well done you for sticking up for her and saying your piece.

DoctorAnge Wed 30-Jan-13 14:59:16

Well done for you! Your actions will have made that little girls day.

HecateWhoopass Wed 30-Jan-13 16:16:22

I See All wink

stormforce10 Wed 30-Jan-13 17:13:19

Saw new girls mum at school pick up and asked her about the weekend. She's coming. Her dd grabbed dd's hands and danced round the playground with her when her mum told her - she also seemed very excited about her party invite.

lovely little girl and liking her mum more the more I see of her smile

Hulababy Wed 30-Jan-13 17:17:03

Aw lovely for your DD and the new little girl.

If party mum thinks you'll turn everyone against her then she must have realised you were right at least. Otherwise she'd have feel sure everyone would agree with her and not caved.

fluffygal Wed 30-Jan-13 18:05:23

I wish you were at my DD's school :-(

IsabelleRinging Wed 30-Jan-13 18:13:33

YANBU!

I would cancel going to the party and invite the new girl round to play with your dd on that day.

Herrena Wed 30-Jan-13 19:17:45

Good point Hulababy....

SixFeetUnder Wed 30-Jan-13 20:39:22

My son handed out his invites for his 6th birthday party this saturday on his first day back at school after the Xmas holidays. This was also a little girls first day at the school but she also received an invite as I had asked the teacher for a class list including any new starts. His whole class is going, no way would we miss anyone out.

My son came home that day and told me how he'd played with the new girl and was glad she was coming to his party. Her mum was grin

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