WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

(370 Posts)
catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:14:43


I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: hmm "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op hmm

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

ChristianGreyIsAJackass Mon 28-Jan-13 20:16:26

Yes... YANBU, tell him to fuck off and buck his bloody ideas up!

GiveMeSomeSpace Mon 28-Jan-13 20:17:25

Jeeessuss - you've got a goodun there! Sounds like he's got used to a very cushy life

hokeycakey Mon 28-Jan-13 20:17:26

That sounds awful and also as though your life might be less stressful if you didn't have to put up with that shit

Shutupanddrive Mon 28-Jan-13 20:17:31

Yanbu at all!! What an arse, I would have done more than tell him to F off, selfish bastard angry

PoppyWearer Mon 28-Jan-13 20:17:36

Tell him to fuck off some more!!

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 20:18:00

So what the fuck does the lazy twat do all day? Tell him to fuck off from me too then kick him out and enjoy the rest of your life.

rubyslippers Mon 28-Jan-13 20:18:23

i would have gone out for supper and left your DH to it

if this is a regular occurrence then your DH needs to buck his ideas up significantly

why doesn't he EVER cook?

this would piss me right off

GiveMeSomeSpace Mon 28-Jan-13 20:18:33

Seriously OP you need to sort it out sharpish. Does he do anything at all?

pictish Mon 28-Jan-13 20:18:50

Yanbu. Why is he not cooking a meal in the evenings? Lazy bastard.

MrsCR Mon 28-Jan-13 20:19:01


Sounds like he might be depressed at how much you achieve in a day and how little he does.

Can't believe you have to sort out so much extra child care when he is not working and at home playing computer games??

He needs a kick up the arse and to grow up, man up, sort himself out.

Now go get some wine, you deserve a glass!!

Oh, btw you should probably sit down and have a chat about how he is feeling etc, instead of a rant - communication rules OK

thebody Mon 28-Jan-13 20:19:06

What the actual fuck does he do???? He sounds a lazy nasty self entitled arse and you are a door mat mug op.

Again what does he do to contribute to your lives together?

Mrsrobertduvall Mon 28-Jan-13 20:19:06

He is a lazy bastard.
And if it was a husband complaining about a wife, she would be a lazy bastard as well.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 28-Jan-13 20:19:21

He does no childcare, no housework and earns nothing.

What is this man bringing to your life?

I think you were right to tell him to fuck off.

Arion Mon 28-Jan-13 20:19:23

Why are you doing all the housework when DS is with his Gran one day and nursery 2 days? Your DH should be organising shopping and the running of the house if he is the SAHP.

What are his good points? Does he bring anything to the relationship?

rubyslippers Mon 28-Jan-13 20:19:49

maybe he isn't job searching very hard because he has a nice cushy number

only one day per week sole charge of a toddler

no cooking or cleaning, laundry etc to be done

how haven't you cracked before this???

I think I would say F off and keep on going!! Can't see how your life would be harder as a single mum?

Depends if ou actually get anything out of your relationship?

Sorry, it sounds hard but YANBU!

ExasperatedSigh Mon 28-Jan-13 20:19:58

Tell him to fuck off out of your life, the selfish useless prick.

FabulousFreaks Mon 28-Jan-13 20:20:00

I don't understand why he does so little and you do so much. If the situation doesn't change you will crack and it will be worse than a simple fuck off.

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 20:20:15

Why exactly do you put up with this? He's at home all day every day, yet your DS spends 3 of those days being looked after by someone else and he does NO cooking or cleaning?

Seriously. Why? confused

chewingguminmyhair Mon 28-Jan-13 20:20:16


Tell him to fuck off! Seriously, you may as well be a single mum! Get rid of him and get a new one in time for summer.

Why is gods name is dm having your son and why is he in daycare if your DH is at home, doing fuck all?

You sound like someone seriously having the piss taken out of them!

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:21:04

He's great with DS and does his fair share there (except getting up with him) and he takes me to and from work each day, but other than that he just plays computer games.

I don't want to LTB and just really needed a rant, but he really fucks me off sometimes.

nefertarii Mon 28-Jan-13 20:21:24

Why does your child have so many people looking after him if your dh doesn't work?

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 20:21:43

No he doesn't do his fair share! Did you read your OP???

Isityouorme Mon 28-Jan-13 20:21:48

I would have told him to F off a long time ago. What an arse! He seriously needs to sort himself out.

GetOrf Mon 28-Jan-13 20:22:05

He is a lazy twat. Bloody hell what an exhausting sounding life you have.

Why does he contribute nothing at all?

To quote someone very wise (although I can't remember who)

Tell him to fuck the fuck off. And when he gets there to fuck off some more.

Seriously, what does he do?

deleted203 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:22:33

YANBU. He is taking the piss. If you are working full time then IMO he should be doing the cleaning, washing, cooking and child care as (presumably) he would expect you to do if the roles were reversed. He sounds an idle, lazy, useless bugger to not mince words. I think feeding, bathing, bottle, bedtime story, etc on your part is fair enough - presumably you are wanting to spend time with DS after a day at work - but I'm fucked if I can imagine you wanting to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry or bill paying! If he is a SAHD then he needs to imagine what he would expect from a SAHM and just step up to the plate. Tell him to get his fucking arse in gear!

pictish Mon 28-Jan-13 20:22:48

When does he do his fair share?
Your OP tells us the exact opposite is true!

ExasperatedSigh Mon 28-Jan-13 20:23:00

he clearly doesn't do his fair share with ds.

WhateverTrevor Mon 28-Jan-13 20:23:08

Bloody hell, is all that true?
Why do you pay for a nursery when dh is at home?
Why do you do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and bill paying??
I cannot understand why you have allowed this to happen?
I am gobsmacked.

ChaoticintheNewYear Mon 28-Jan-13 20:23:13

What does your DH contribute to your relationship/family?

Does he have a solid gold cock? confused

TheSecondComing Mon 28-Jan-13 20:23:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nefertarii Mon 28-Jan-13 20:23:32

how does he do his fair share with ds?

He doesn't work and only has your ds one day a week.

pictish Mon 28-Jan-13 20:23:42

How is he great with your ds? He's at home all day yet leaves the bulk of the care to anyone other than himself!
That's not 'great' that's shit!!

theoriginalandbestrookie Mon 28-Jan-13 20:23:56

Wow. So you were at work all day, your DS was at your DMs leaving your DH at home all day to well, what really?

You are enabling I hate to say. When he pulled a face at chips the response should have been "You have been home all day what have you prepared for dinner?"

You'll be lucky if he gets his arse in gear sufficiently to get a job. If he does that in the next few months then the relationship might just at a pinch be salvageable, if not then good luck.

Oh on a lighter note I'd recommend home delivery of groceries. Time it when DH is in so at least he actually unpacks some food as part of his strenous round of daily activities. You'll cover the cost of delivery by not getting takeaways.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:24:20

Why does your child have so many people looking after him if your dh doesn't work?

DM loves having him 1 day a week (and DS loves it too). Nursery 2 days was so DH could get a job. Originally he was going to do freelance graphic design and did have a bit of work but its dried up and he's not done anything to find more

He is great with DS though.

I am just fecking exausted tonight.

nefertarii Mon 28-Jan-13 20:24:42

Quite honestly. I would rather be a single parent than a parent to a man child who does shit all, all day and then moans about how long you are in a shop.

rubyslippers Mon 28-Jan-13 20:24:52

re-read your OP

how does he do his fair share???

unless this week has been a one off, in which case i stand corrected

he can't be great with his DS if he can't even be bothered to cook him a meal - how much effort is a baked potato with beans and cheese or putting a piece of chicken under a grill

OP - you are working like a dog at work and at home - you get up every morning with your DS whilst your DP arses about

juneybean Mon 28-Jan-13 20:25:39

So he doesn't cook, he takes care of his child one day a week, what's he doing the rest of the time?

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 20:26:20

Yeah he's a great dad and role model for his son isn't it. You'll be so proud when he grows up to treat women like shit too won't you?

rubyslippers Mon 28-Jan-13 20:26:29

your DH has two clear days to job hunt when your DS is at nursery

WhateverTrevor Mon 28-Jan-13 20:26:32

You seem to be ignoring most of the questions.
Why does he do ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL during the day?
Why do you think this is ok???.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:26:34

And I do love giving DS his bath and cuddles and story etc as I don't see enough of him so I dont begrudge that. DH will often do that with me or on his own if I'm really knackered. So he does do a lot with DS in that respect and at weekends.

Just nothing around the house and doesn't seem to appreciate how tired I am

Ok I'm going to be unreasonable myself -- I really can't help but point out that this is not the first time you have posted about your lazy ass DH, his lack of housework, his proclivity for playing computer games, his not looking for work very hard.... You have been told before he's a cocklodger and I know you hate that but honestly, 18 months later and what has improved? He sounds exactly the same!

It's INSANE that you have this high-powered job and are still doing all the cleaning and cooking, that your out of work DH only has to take care of DS ONE DAY, that you only get one lie-in a week.

I'm sorry to be that bitch who won't just let you rant but I really have to ask, why do you put up with this bullshit? You deserve a proper partner and someone who respects you. How much longer are you going to put up with this?

nefertarii Mon 28-Jan-13 20:27:41

DM loves having him 1 day a week (and DS loves it too). Nursery 2 days was so DH could get a job. Originally he was going to do freelance graphic design and did have a bit of work but its dried up and he's not done anything to find more

So take him out of nurseery and let the stay at home parent look after him. He is great with your son on the one day a week he has him? Super.

I am going to be a sahm and put as in nursery. Sounds like ab amazingly cushy life.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:27:42

I don't know why he does fuck all during the day

Probably because we have sleep-walked into a situation where he does and I enable him to do so sad

pictish Mon 28-Jan-13 20:28:30

Oh he gives him a bath now and then? We stand corrected...he is clearly a prince among men. hmm

wigglesrock Mon 28-Jan-13 20:28:57

You keep saying he's great with ds as if thats something - he should be "great" with his own child. That shouldn't be a plus point - it should be standard .

No he doesn't do his fair share, he's not even making you happy.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:29:05

Is it really 18 months dreaming?

That's actually a bit of a reality check.......

HecateWhoopass Mon 28-Jan-13 20:29:14

so what does he do?

You bring in all the money. You say yourself that you " do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc." You also say you get up with your child.

That leaves what, exactly?

Looking after your son when you're at work. Or rather, playing video games while your son is pottering about while you are at work. I bet. For ONE day a week. ONE day. The rest of the time, he doesn't even have the child with him!

Now, I have been on many a sahm thread where there has been outrage at the suggestion that a woman who is at home with the child should do any housework etc. sometimes even extended to when that child is at nursery. I believe the argument is that their job is to look after the child and not to do the cleaning. so I assume they would argue the same way in this case too.

But that's not something I agree with on those threads or on this one grin

I think that whoever is at home should be doing more of the home stuff. A working week equal to the working week done by the person earning the money. With all things that can't be done in that time being split equally.

At the moment, OP, it sounds like you are doing everything.

That is not fair.

He is taking the piss and you are letting him.

He needs a reality check.

He's getting a free ride sent from heaven, isn't he?

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 20:30:11

So stop enabling it. Stop doing the food shopping, laundry and cleaning. Let him see just how much you do and that you're not prepared to put up with it any more. Do you really want your DS to grow up thinking this is a healthy relationship?

TinyDiamond Mon 28-Jan-13 20:30:53

So not Being U! I seriously don't understand why you are paying out nursery fees though! He should have him those two days save yourselves the cash and put away for ds future.
You need to tell him to sort himself out. I would very much resent this behaviour it is not fair at all!

nefertarii Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:13

He is great with ds?

So while he was at home all day didn't he think it was important for his son to have a decent healthy meal?
Fish and chips is fine but your dh wasn't happy he was having chips 2 days in a row. But couldn't be arsed to go shopping or cook a healthy meal?

TheCrackFox Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:14

He is a cocklodger.

Barely looks after his own child (SAHD's are supposed to do the bulk of the childcare), doesn't earn money, does no housework. He is a lazy fucker.

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M0naLisa Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:51

You need to tell him to sort it out. Stop been lazy during the day and do something.

floweryblue Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:52

If you just needed a rant, you've had one!

In my opinion you are allowed to tell your DH to f* off once in a while, as he is allowed to say it to you once in a while.

A calm conversation about how he could do more around the house might be helpful though.

DP and I have different priorities at home, so sometimes my attitude pees him off, sometimes it's the other way round. Obv in our house I am always right when complaining about him, trouble is, he is 99% right when he complains about me grin

You not so "d" h needs to drag his ares off the computer and do the washing up, the laundry and clean house. I'm a sahm right now and if I left all that to Dh when he got in I'd be one lazy cow.
All he's bringing to this relationship is one day of childcare and the rest is him being a cocklodger. He could have a day of looking Ds each week even if you weren't married and living together, therefore he's no better than a Dad who only has visitation.

Junebugjr Mon 28-Jan-13 20:32:24

Why does he go to nursery and his gm if there is a parent at home?
You sound like a single parents without the plus's OP.

YABU to let him treat you like a skivvy.

YANBU to tell him to fuck off.

PleasePudding Mon 28-Jan-13 20:32:31

Please please tell him to get his act together. You should not be putting up with this crap. He should manage almost all the housework and almost all of the food until he is working and then it can be re-negotiated. It is appalling

YANBU - please, I am so annoyed I want to give him a total villi king and I don't know either of you, it's just so eye-wateringly thoughtless, unfair and just fucking outrageous!

he can drag his arse too hmm

FlatsInDagenham Mon 28-Jan-13 20:33:11


You would not be unreasonable to tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there fuck off some more.

Why the hell are you putting up with this ridiculous situation OP?

defineme Mon 28-Jan-13 20:33:20

Being great with a child involves (amongst other things) ensuring he's got a pleasant environment to live in and good food to eat. So he's not that great is he?
My work can be haphazard anbd so when I'm not working i'll do something useful like decorate/clear out garage etc as well as cleaning/tea on table.
I appreciate why you'd want to keep him in nursery because he may get work and obviously nice to go to dm too.
But what the fuck is he doing with himself 4 days a week?
You're being a mug.
people that love you and consider you an equal don't treat you like this.
It's simply not kind. sad

PleasePudding Mon 28-Jan-13 20:33:23

Bollocking not viking blush

Bingdweller Mon 28-Jan-13 20:34:33

Ok, so you don't want to leave him, but how do you see this situation changing? He sounds like a right lazy, unmotivated, freeloading pig. And no, he doesn't look after your son. You get up with him, you work to support him & nursery and family look after him on the days you work. He looks after him on a Friday and gives you a bit of a lie in on a Sunday. Big fucking deal. Re-read your OP, you're being taken for a ride sad. In order to have any sort of enjoyable life, he needs to stop pissing about, show you the respect you deserve & either get a job or support you in order to do yours without all the added tasks that running a household entails.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:34:50

I liked the image of you giving him a Viking smile

Some massive dude in a horned hemlet with an axe telling him to sort his shit out.

Might work smile

I have no idea how to change things. The roles feel totaly embedded.

TheRobberBride Mon 28-Jan-13 20:35:20

YANBU. Aren't married couples supposed to be a team? (yes, I know how cutesy that sounds) but aren't they supposed to support and help each other? If one person is doing 80% of all household chores in addition to being out at work all day then something has gone badly wrong somewhere. Do you honestly respect this man anymore? If my DH behaved like this then I'm not sure I'd stay with him TBH.

Gosh, what a loser.

I'd get rid of him and get a cleaner, which is probably cheaper and more satisfying.

PleasePudding Mon 28-Jan-13 20:35:25

Sorry I can't stop thinking about this. How is he not really, really bloody embarrassed?

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 20:35:35

Maybe for starters you could show him this thread...

MrsCR Mon 28-Jan-13 20:35:44

Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 20:37:05

Is he proud of himself? What does he tell everyone he does all day? What's good about your relationship?

StuntGirl Mon 28-Jan-13 20:38:22

Oh catgirl I read the OP and was halfway through the responses before I realised it was you. You cone across as so together in your posts usually, I was surpised to find the absolute doormat I was reading about was you!

Your husband is not being a great dad. Or a great husband. Or honestly, he's not even being a great person. It's not nice to leave all the work of running a house and a family to someone else, regardless of whether they're the stay at home or work out of the home parent.

He's acting like a dick. Now he may have underlying reasons for doing so (depression has been floated I see), but he's still acting like a dick.

He bucks his ideas up (gets help if needs be) or he fucks off. Your role in life is not to facilitate his.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:38:36

I do have a cleaner (2 people for 1 hour once a week) but there is still loads to do

And he moans about that being a PITA as he has to leave the house for a whole hour as is uncomfortable being in

ScrambledSmegs Mon 28-Jan-13 20:38:47

Have you tried talking to him? Make a list of what you do vs what he does. Any decent person would be ashamed at the discrepancy.

Yes about 18 months, I think

I remember the first time I read you posting about him, you were still pregnant

Why do I remember? Because tbh based on lots of other things you post, I have so much respect for you -- you are really successful, funny, smart, you seem to really have it together. And I was quite frankly shocked that you were having to deal with a DH who seemed to have fallen apart so thoroughly. And I'm surprised tbh that nothing seems to have changed.

He needs a massive wakeup call. You can't go on like this, it's just not fair to you at all.

pictish Mon 28-Jan-13 20:38:59

I know it's hardly the point, but I can't get over the fact that he never cooks a meal while doing fuck all all day long, yet sees fit to moan about what you organise to eat!!!

Just says it all to me....lazy, useless, selfish, ridiculous man.

I am gutted for you. It is totally unacceptable in every single way imaginable.

Charliefox Mon 28-Jan-13 20:39:16

The OP is on transmit, not receive. Might as well talk to the wall.

farewellfarewell Mon 28-Jan-13 20:39:47

You sound absolutely exhausted, it's tiring even reading your post! He is treating you really badly. He should have the house sorted, meals, shopping as well as care of your son. You are doing too much considering there is another adult on the scene. Anyone can see this. I'm not sure why he is treating you like this but it is totally unsustainable. Most sahp do the above as part of the "job", allowing for the fact that sometimes there are tough days/weeks with babies/toddlers when nothing gets done, but not long term. I only work part time, dh has a massively stressful, full-on job and he does no housework, cooks very little-only on weekends but helps out with our 4 dcs when he can. We try to make things as even as possible in terms of work. You are doing much more than is fair.

Viviennemary Mon 28-Jan-13 20:40:00

I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But honestly this is beyond unfair. When he isn't at work and you are doing full time he should be doing the major share of the housework and cooking.

leftangle Mon 28-Jan-13 20:40:00

My DH is also an out of work graphic designer - doing some bits and pieces self employed and looking for work. He also works in a pub every evening, looks after DD at least 4 mornings a weeks and while I have a lie in at weekends, does the lions share of the cooking and washing up and is redecorating the house.
Either your DH is badly depressed or he is taking the piss. Either way it needs to change.

leftangle Mon 28-Jan-13 20:40:28


But you can change things

He wasn't always like this, if I remember correctly?

It's just that right now he has no incentive to change anything. I mean, why would he? What a great life! Sit around all day playing games while all the women in your life do all the work. Yippee!

You know him best. What incentive would work on him?

HecateWhoopass Mon 28-Jan-13 20:42:47

I suppose if you have great big girl balls of steel, you could try...

"I'm not happy. You aren't pulling your weight. I feel taken advantage of. You need to change because I am not taking this any more.

Get a job. Or be a full time SAHD and we stop sending X to my mum's and nursery and you look after him and do the house stuff too.

Choose one or the other. But the choice you don't have is to carry on having ME bring all the money into this family AND do the cleaning AND do the cooking AND do the shopping AND have our child cared for by other people AND do the bill paying AND do the laundry AND do the night waking, while you sit on your arse and play on the computer.

You've got 24 hours to choose or I'll make a choice and it won't be one you'll like"

but you'd have to say it like you meant it.

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 20:43:08

BTW I thought the same as StuntGirl. Never thought in a million years this wouls be you Catgirl for the very same reasons.

You're worth so much more than this.

squeaver Mon 28-Jan-13 20:43:36

Well, the first thing i would do is take your ds out of nursery and tell your h that he now has to do childcare 3 days a week.

Then I would write a list of all the household chores that are done by you and all the ones done by him.

Then I would tell him that he has - what? - a month/two months to sort his shit out or you will be separating.

squeaver Mon 28-Jan-13 20:44:31

in other words, what Hec said...

SolomanDaisy Mon 28-Jan-13 20:44:50

I read the OP and was really shocked when I saw who the poster was. I thought it was going to be someone new to MN without much going for them and no way of thinking about life being better.

He is not good with DS, if he was he'd take care of him more. Take him out of nursery and use the money to have the cleaner more often, for example. You're married to a 15 year old.

CoalDustWoman Mon 28-Jan-13 20:45:30

What time does he go to bed? And how much does he drink in an evening?

nefertarii Mon 28-Jan-13 20:46:10

You pay a cleaner?

If it wasn't you catgirl I would be calling troll. Because this is outrageous.

I am sorry he is a twat. I agree with what was said upthread. He is not being a good dad or husband. Not even a good person.

A good person could not stand by doing shit all whole someone he loved ran themselves into the ground.

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 20:47:10

Is he very depressed? Sorry I keep coming back with stuff but I can't stay away. I'm just so angry for you. Please talk to him.

EnjoyResponsibly Mon 28-Jan-13 20:49:20

I read your post and thought "dear God, it's only Monday!"

NoelHeadbands Mon 28-Jan-13 20:49:30

Rather you than me love.

Seriously you have to sort this out properly, else you'll simply burn yourself out. The resentment will build to be so much that it'll kill any feelings you have- really. Might take a year, might take five, but it will kill it.

He needs to be doing all the housework while you're working and he's not. If I was you I'd go and tell him right now that things are going to change, then do no housework at all until it gets to the point where he has to do it!

Loislane78 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:49:43

Laaaaaaazzzzyyyyyy and "rampantly taking the piss" x1000

or quite seriously depressed?

Either way you need to have a serious chat as not sustainable. What do his parents say about this?

TheSecondComing Mon 28-Jan-13 20:50:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

autumnmum Mon 28-Jan-13 20:51:27

I am a SAHM. If you knew me OP and I told you my kids were in nursery/grandparents 4 days a week, I had a cleaner, my DH worked but did all the cooking and housework, and I played on computer games you'd think I was a lazy cow. Why don't you think this about your DH?

I am so glad I refreshed the screen before posting, because HecateWhoopass has said it already. You need to make it clear that this cannot continue, you cannot take it any more.

Fairylea Mon 28-Jan-13 20:52:08

Honestly being a single parent would be easier than this. Because at the moment you are looking after another child.

I loved being a single parent and left my ex (dds dad) for similar behaviour. I would never ever be with someone who didn't pull their weight in a family. Wtf is the benefit to you?

Snazzynewyear Mon 28-Jan-13 20:55:24

I can give you some concrete suggestions to test out on him right away:

- He starts taking responsibility for cooking or for providing an evening meal for you and DS, every night since he has nothing else pressing to do (maybe Fridays off since he's busy that day hmm)

- He gets up with DS in the mornings (maybe Sunday as his lie in?)

- He does the laundry. All of it.

What a lazy freeloader he is. And no kind of a father, whatever you say about him being 'great' (I imagine, since he's so well-rested, he can manage being great for the 30 mins or so at a time it's demanded of him)

MikeOxardInTheSnow Mon 28-Jan-13 20:55:27

When I read the OP I was gobsmacked that someone would put up with such an arse of a cocklodger, and every post it just got worse - I nearly had to pick my jaw up from the floor when I read you have a cleaner as well. Stop paying for the cleaner and the nursery, you can start that up again when he finally gets a job. He seems to have a total lack of respect for you to not only allow this situation but to have the bloody cheek to moan at you about it too.

MmeLindor Mon 28-Jan-13 20:55:43

Forget that this is your thread, and read your OP as if it were someone else.

What would you tell that person? Be honest.

LineRunner Mon 28-Jan-13 20:57:22

Oh Catgirl.

You are a lovely poster and I have known you on here since you were pregnant.

I have read over the past year some of your other posts about your DH and let other, wiser people comment, but right now I actually want to say something to you. When you have had some decent sleep, think long and hard about where all this is heading. It sounds so draining. If ever a man sounded like he would benefit from an out of the home job, it's your DH.

I'm pretty over-qualified for a lot of the projects I do. Right now I'm doing a small job for a LA for peanuts. But it's money, it's work, it's keeping my CV and respect and NI contributions alive, and most importantly it's getting me out of the house, using my brain and keeping me away from playing on the PC.

minibmw2010 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:58:18

So tell him he's being lazy, don't allow it any more !! Have you ever had ANY conversations about how little he does? If you aren't willing to have that conversation then as has been already said you're a mug, sorry. sad

cees Mon 28-Jan-13 20:58:51

He is dead weight catgirl, all fine if that's the way you want to live but really not many women or men would put up with his shit for any length of time. Have some respect for yourself and insist he pull his weight.

YANBU, fuck off would be the nicest thing I would have said to him in your shoes.

I do have a cleaner (2 people for 1 hour once a week) but there is still loads to do

And he moans about that being a PITA as he has to leave the house for a whole hour as is uncomfortable being in

I'm not flipping surprised he's uncomfortable being in! He must worry that she will see him for the lazy ass he is!

QuickLookBusy Mon 28-Jan-13 20:59:26

I actually don't think the cleaner is a problem if you can afford it. Plenty off SAHMs have a cleaner.

However that still means jobs need doing everyday and your H should be doing them, not you.

He really is taking the piss and you just need to be honest, tell him you aren't happy and things need to change ASAP.

Hissy Mon 28-Jan-13 21:00:57

Op, Will you marry ME?

I would kill for a gig like the one your H has got!

Give him a Viking!

MrsOakenshield Mon 28-Jan-13 21:03:32

I don't agree that SAHPs should be doing all the housework if they are looking after DC all the time - that can be a full time job in itself, depending on the child. But he's not. He has a clear 4 DAYS A WEEK doing nothing. Jesus, he can easily get everything done and still have plenty of time to himself. And he should be getting her up in the mornings, you have enough to do getting ready for work.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Mon 28-Jan-13 21:06:16

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 21:06:42

I thought this precise thread, from this precise poster, was on it's way... sad

Catgirl, I remember when you first posted about your lazy, piss-taking husband when you were pregnant

You were warned then what was in your future. And here we are. Except it actually sounds worse

But I expect you'll laugh all this off, toss your lovely hair and carry on regardless. I cannot understand why such a capable, intelligent, assertive woman such as yourself is settling for so little. I see it a fair amount though, among the professional women I work with.

You are being made foolish. Does that register at all ?

spiritedaway Mon 28-Jan-13 21:07:46

Tell him to fuck the fuck off ! ! Seriously OP and maybe come back when he has figured out the cause of his fucked offness

pictish Mon 28-Jan-13 21:09:26

bunny - hop off will you? No need for that.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 21:10:46

Bunny, that was just cruel sad

lollilou Mon 28-Jan-13 21:12:52

I can only agree with most of these posts. It is pretty shocking. My only advice is do not cancel your dm or the nursery think of your ds routine and the enjoyment he probably gets from going there.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Mon 28-Jan-13 21:13:03

I know someone who did a spreadsheet showing all the hours in a week and what she did and what her dh did (they were both accountants!).

It was a real shock to him when he realised quite how much she was doing and how little sleep she was getting.

In that situation her dh cared though. It doesn't sound like yours does. Look after yourself.

HecateWhoopass Mon 28-Jan-13 21:13:25

I think that is really uncalled for. Catgirl is in no way an unpleasant or aggressive poster. From my recalling of her posts, she seems really nice.

That, otoh, was not.

did you really need to kick her when she's down?

What on earth for?

PleasePudding Mon 28-Jan-13 21:15:39

Ohh I didn't refresh, I do want to send you a Viking I do, I do! Or, failing that, a Viking smiley thing but none of then either so wine and masses of luck on your mission to get this man to buck up his ideas.

DoALittleDance Mon 28-Jan-13 21:16:14

Many posters saying you should tell him to fuck off. What do you think? How does doing everything fit your ideas about how a family should work?

Have a look at the role you play which enables his behaviour. It's hard to see when you're trying to make everything perfect/picking up someone else's slack/exhausted.

There is a condition called Martyr Syndrome - you might want to take a look:

"Do you feel you have to "earn" joy by struggling first? Some people believe that the larger the obstacle, the sweeter the reward. It's possible to get carried away and only allow yourself to enjoy life after you've suffered or struggled to some degree."

You don't have to suffer. I learned it the hard way. It is possible to change. Good luck.

My DH has been a SAHD for 13 years. He stays at home because he is disabled and unable to hold down a job. I work full-time.

He is ill and in constant pain, but he does all of the shopping, cooking, planning, finances, household organisation, tidying, bill paying etc, etc. The only job I do in the home is the laundry and ironing. He insists on looking after me and our DSs because I am also unwell but I work outside the home.

OP, your DH should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

LessMissAbs Mon 28-Jan-13 21:19:08

OMG. Why on earth do you have a husband like that? What is the point of him? How can you bear the constant insult that must be life with him?

Almost every man I know in a relationship runs about after their wives/girlfriends. They cook for them, they earn the money, they drive them about, they dote on them. I cannot fathom why any woman would possibly stay with a man who behaves like this.

Is he extremely good looking, charming and great in bed? Does he have some great talent that you admire maybe Olympic gold medallist

EnjoyResponsibly Mon 28-Jan-13 21:20:02

I really like the spreadsheet idea.

Do yours. Then get him to do his. I reckon this might be on the right lines:

08.00-17.00 play on WII
17.00-19.00 watch Catgirl make dinner and sort out DS
19.00-23.00 play on WII
23.00- stare at Catgirls inert exhausted body and wonder why on earth she doesn't want to shag me

PartTimeModel Mon 28-Jan-13 21:21:56

Just echoing the shock shock of other posters here.
Why are you doing pretty much everything for your family while this man does absolutely fuck all bar suit himself??

Isn't it ironic that he is too embarrassed to be in the house while the cleaners are there?

YABNU to tell him to fuck off, but seriously I'm amazed that you don't tell him to fuck off permanently. He is a burden to you. You sound amazing and very capable but he really sounds like an albatross around your neck.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:24:13

Thank you all

Some of these posts have made me cry for being so lovely

I think most people who know me IRL would also be very shocked at what my home situation has become as I am really not the sort of person you would expect to put up with this sort of stuff. It doesn't make sense to me either tbh. I don't look like a victim outside of the him IYSWIM

Bunny If I've been a twat to you on a thread, I'm sorry. I can be a times, although I rarely mean it. I'm passionate about a few issues and I have a sarcastic streak a mile wide. I'm glad the fact I'm miserable at home will make you feel better. Every cloud and all that. smile

I do love DH to bits. He wasn't always like this and I don't think it's calculated or malicious, just a mixture of depression, laziness and a big slice of enabling from me. I'm as much to blame as he is.

I will talk to him. He just came in and said "What?" and I said "I was expecting you to apologise tbh. You spoke to me like shit earlier. I'm tired and I'm doing everything. You are doing nothing except play computer games and it isn't ok. This has to change."

Hopefully it will although I can't imagine it will be instant

Thank you for letting me rant and being very lovely vipers thanks

Goldenbear Mon 28-Jan-13 21:25:09

Yes I agree with MrsOakenshield, I don't think it is a SAHP's role to essentially be about creating domestic utopia for the person who is going out to work because OBVIOUSLY that is a lot more taxing! However, yes, he is taking the piss! It is unnecessary for you to bust a gut when he is available - even if your mum still had your child he could use the day to sort out things domestically!

I'm a SAHP and on my knees with exhaustion as it is all falling on my shoulders at the moment because DP works until late and then continues studying into the night at work, he also goes in most weekends to work and study- always 1 day, sometimes both. This means I have to literally do everything and often don't stop until he gets in about 10pm. My DD who is 2 has only slept through the night 3 times and my DS only started to sleep through a year ago at 4 years old so i'm hugely sleep deprived but we're working towards a common goal which is DP being a qualified Architect by next year. Tbh the efforts and tiredness is distributed fairly as DP is never here and of course he'd like to be.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:26:02

I like the spreadsheet idea btw

I think he really doesn't realise how skewed things are. That might work

FeistyLass Mon 28-Jan-13 21:26:10

YWNBU to tell him to f* himself. I'm surprised you haven't said it before now. sad
I think it is difficult to change embedded roles and I can appreciate why that seems impossible. To anyone else, I'd suggest maybe seeing a counsellor to work through how this has happened and where you want to go from here . . .but, honestly, I don't have any idea how you'd be able to fit a counsellor into your packed schedule.
For your sake and your ds' you have to change something. You're going to run yourself into the ground, and your ds will grow up with no idea how to have a relationship built on respect and love. I hope you work something out soon.

LesBOFerables Mon 28-Jan-13 21:26:11

Your dignity is shining through in that post, Catgirl. Now USE IT in your life and get this situation changed: you deserve so much more that he is currently giving you.

pictish Mon 28-Jan-13 21:26:49

The very best of luck in getting him to see the error of his lazy arsed ways. I really hope he sits up and takes note and does something about it.

The situation is untenable.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 21:27:41

Show him this thread, catgirl.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Mon 28-Jan-13 21:28:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 21:29:01

What was his response to what you said to him just now, OP?

pictish Mon 28-Jan-13 21:30:01

Yeah...show him this thread. I never say that. Ever.

He ought to know how the world views his contribution to it.

StuntGirl Mon 28-Jan-13 21:31:06

I don't think people are having a go at catgirl for not living up to anything. I'm certainly not, I don't have a random set of expectations for people I talk to online hmm

I think people are concerned when they see someone living such a needlessly miserable existence, especially when it's someone they "know". I don't think anyone should stand for this kind of life, trudging through while their partner does naff all. She deserves better, whoever she might be.

TalkativeJim Mon 28-Jan-13 21:32:45

Crikey Moses.

Isn't he ashamed to be like this? Even a little bit?

How can you look at him?

Just awful.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 28-Jan-13 21:33:12

Good evening all
Here's a handy Monday Night Link to our guidelines
Be super grateful if you'd have a look if you're not clear of what's what. smile

OP sorry to hear that your DP is being a pita do let us know if you'd prefer us to move this thread out of AIBU and into our relationships topic, won't you?

SolomanDaisy Mon 28-Jan-13 21:34:45

You seriously think he doesn't realise how imbalanced things are? It's just not possible. You love who he used to be, or an image you had of him in the past. Don't let that blind you to what he's like now.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:36:20

His response was

"I tidied the kitchen"

I said "Yes. But that would have taken 10 minutes out of your whole day. You didn't wash up. You didn't tidy any other room. You didn't sort out dinner and you didn't look for a job. You just played computer games. It's all you do and it's not ok anymore"

At which he huffed off to play computer games hmm

But I think, later, he will want to talk this through and will be processing it now.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Mon 28-Jan-13 21:37:03

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:38:00

Thank you Olivia smile

I will let you know, although nearly everyone is being very helpful and kind, but I will bear that offer in mind it is becomes clear this isn't the best place.

Hope my thread hasn't given you too many problems blush

rhondajean Mon 28-Jan-13 21:38:04

Jesus Christ cat, you're one of the strongest funniest most together people on here - don't let this happen.

I'll post more later, but don't fall into holding it all together while he doesn't put any effort in, you deserve and can have better woman.

Portofino Mon 28-Jan-13 21:39:53

He sounds like a right lazy bastard. you NEED to stop enabling it.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Mon 28-Jan-13 21:40:43

basically, c-numbers, you're living alone. with an expensive lodger. glad you're going to do something about that. even if you won't consider ltb.

Bobyan Mon 28-Jan-13 21:42:17

How are your finances arranged? Do you both have access to a joint account? I wonder what would happen if he couldn't access any money?

Portofino Mon 28-Jan-13 21:44:12

I would give a list or stuff that needs to happen on a day to day basis. I would be sad to feel the need to even do this, but nevertheless, a list. When he has mastered that, I would have a plan allowing job seeking time, childcare time, house stuff time and me time. And if he can't manage that, well it would like facilitated an overgrown child who should swiftly directed in bedsit direction.

Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 21:44:49

Do you know, I went through a patch of doing what your dh is doing when my kids first went to school full time.

A mixture of lack of self-confidence (too long out of the workplace), depression, a very difficult child (and two normally difficult children) and a complete lack of interest in life meant that I spent about six months doing nothing.

The house was a tip, I did the minimum before dh came home (I did shopping, cooking, washing and homework, that was about it) and it became a habit.

Luckily my mum gave me a kick up the bum. Because having got into the habit of doing nothing, it is really difficult to change. And it's amazing how you can fill an 8 hour day with one load of washing, and tell yourself you've been busy if you pay the car insurance online.

The spreadsheet is a great idea - at worst you will know that he doesn't give a shit, but you will probably find he genuinely doesn't realise how low he has sunk.

pictish Mon 28-Jan-13 21:46:17

I disagree with a list tbh.
I doubt he's a fool. He knows what needs doing already. Tell him to get the fuck on and do it!

TheFallenNinja Mon 28-Jan-13 21:50:16

Even I would see that as a spare room offence.

noviceoftheday Mon 28-Jan-13 21:50:52

Catgirl, I am sorry to see that this is your life. You may love dh to bits but he can't love you with the same depth etc if he is prepared to see you run yourself ragged. Really he doesn't. Like you i have a "high powered" job but one of the main reasons for my continued success at this level is that dh does his share (sometimes i moan its not 50/50 but its nothing on your scale, which is 95/5 by the looks of it, and i am being generous). quite frankly we share the pain of dc2 he doesn't like to sleep and the impact that has on our lives. I just couldn't imagine doing it all alone. I really couldn't.

Pre- meeting dh I was in a relationship with a cocklodger. I read a great book that challenged me on two levels. First, it asked whether I would be proud to have a ds with him that was exactly like him. The horror as I realised that the answer was hell no, basically brought me to my senses. I would challenge you to ask yourself the same question. Do you really want your ds to grow up and be just like his dad in his consideration of others? Would you want a future dd learning that this is appropriate and emulating this in her relationships?

Second, the book described successful relationships as two person row boats with each person with their oar. This was a powerful visual for me as I realised that do had stopped rowing and was happy for me to do all the work. Sometimes there will be a short period where one of you rows harder than the other. 18 months is a permanent feature. When I stopped enabling him, things fell apart quit quickly. Sometimes you do get men that are happy to get the benefits of a high powered partner while being disrespectful because actually underneath it all, they resent you. This sounds like your situation.

I am not saying ltb. I am saying that this is not right, it's not sustainable for you, and nothing will ever change while you continue to enable his behaviour and the status quo.

letseatgrandma Mon 28-Jan-13 21:51:14

Bloody hell, OP-you poor thing. I can't see how you have any respect for him left.

I'd call his bluff-say you're exhausted and you can't do it alone anymore. Say you're giving up work and it's his turn to provide for you. Say that you will be having 4 days off child-free each week and he can cook, clean, shop, pay the bills and work full time whilst you watch Jeremy Kyle-it's your turn to have a rest.

RubyrooUK Mon 28-Jan-13 21:55:32

Catgirl, I think the reason it's got this far is that you're an amazingly capable and hard working woman. So you naturally step up and sort things out.

But ultimately this does your DH no good either. Being a SAHP is a real, hard, rewarding job that people are proud of for good reason. He's decided not to do that role - except one day a week - in favour of spending his days playing computer games. That can't even be a treat any more for him really.

Genuine question: do you think he's been depressed since losing his job?

Some great advice on here and some great posts. And catgirl you've another admirer coming out of the woodwork over here. grin

He is taking advantage. Please do your spreadsheet and come back and tell us how it went! anything with spreadsheets excites me yes I am a sad accountant

^'I like the spreadsheet idea btw

I think he really doesn't realise how skewed things are.'^

I'm sorry but unless he has some sort of learning difficulties he doesn't need a spreadsheet. You are simply pandering to him by even suggesting he deserves you waste any more of your time in creating one! Don't you have enough to do already?

Tell him he has a month to find a job, otherwise you'll stop outsourcing the childcare and he can start acting like a parent. And he can start dealing with the laundry and the cooking as well. Even the laziest SAHP can cope with those tasks if you have a cleaner as well to do the real shit-work!

ArtexMonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 22:04:09

Oh dear, this is no good is it? Hecate's post was very good. It's time to layit on the line really. If he's just being dim and thoughtless with a side order of depression he will be horrified by how much he appears to have been taking the piss. If he gets angry and defensive and generally arsey, well that's an answer too in a way isn't it.

Reaa Mon 28-Jan-13 22:05:34

I would of said fuck off you selfish bastard and leave him a nice list of all the things you want done or he looses his computer time, if he gonna act like a child then treat him like a child.

ArtexMonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 22:09:18

When I was a sahm with a cleaner keeping on top of the day to day stuff was a piece of piss, and I had two dc, was bf'ng one, did all cooking etc.

Now we no longer have a cleaner, but dd is in school and ds has his 15 hours pw at preschool, and I am telling you, it is an even pissier piece of piss. I can rip through the house in an hour and a half and have it fit to be seen and still watch an episode of Spartacus before nursery pickup.

He needs to get off his arse and locate either the cleaning supplies or a bedsit.

TunipTheVegedude Mon 28-Jan-13 22:09:37

Has anyone recommended reading Wifework yet? Putting it into a political context might strengthen your resolve to deal with it.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:11:48

I've just asked him if he's happy. I said:

"Because DH you can't be happy. I dpn't mean with me and DS, but with your life. Because this isn't a life. This can't be what you want from life. You can't be happy like this. And it puts too much pressure on me. You need some friends, you need a job, you need a life outside of this room and this PC. And you are not happy. And I am not happy. And DS will grow up seeing is not happy."

He hasn't said much in response, but I think it's a start and whenever we talk he withdraws, says very little, but then later (probably tomorrow) will be ready to talk properly.

Porkster Mon 28-Jan-13 22:12:32

The idea of my dh spending his time playing computer games is both hilarious and pathetic.

This man sounds worse than useless.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:14:22

I'm off to bed now as I'm shattered but I've got a lot to think about

Thank you all again flowers

ArtexMonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 22:14:27

Talk is cheap. Never mind what he says tomorrow or the day after, watch what he does.

Flosshilde Mon 28-Jan-13 22:14:41

OP this is all wrong. I am 31 weeks pregnant and I am on doctor's orders to rest because of 2 hospital admissions for threatened prem labour. For this reason I have started my mat leave early but DS is still going to nursery 4 days a week. Hence I currently have the same childcare burden as your DH.

I am resting as much as possible but today I still:

- got up at 4am with DS as DH had work today;
- got up with DS, gave him breakfast, got him washed and dressed and took him to nursery;
- went to the shops for some bits we needed;
- tidied the house from top to bottom;
- washed up, unloaded and loaded dishwasher and wiped all round kitchen;
- cooked tea;
- helped DH with bathtime (I am not allowed to lift DS in or out of the bath) and got DS into bed.

I spent much of the rest of the time playing computer games for something to do.

If I can do all this with my current limitations, then your DH can start lifting a finger in the house.

letseatgrandma Mon 28-Jan-13 22:17:13

Did he act upset when you said this, OP? Or angry? Hurt? I just can't work out how he thinks this is an acceptable way to treat someone he loves. Hopefully, he is feeling extremely ashamed and embarrased.

If you kick him out then he's got a massive lifestyle change to get used to but it really wouldn't have any detrimental impact on your life if he wasn't there. You have childcare sorted, you do everything around the house anyway and you pay all the bills. It would just cut down on laundry and the house would probably be as you left it when you come home from work. What exactly does he offer the house currently? Unless he's shit hot in bed!? Tbh-there's no way I could bring myslef to sleep with someone who was so rude.

Or would he just back and live with his mum...?

LapsusLinguae Mon 28-Jan-13 22:17:49

catgirl I hope you realise why you are exhausted - it's all the parenting "extras" that add up: new clothes needed/pay nursery/research behavioural issue/decide what food DC should be having/vitamins? Blah blah.

Other MNers have told you this needs to change but how do you get there?

Surely someone on a previous thread linked to the book Wifework.

Sorting out the fair share/the relationship issues is also wife work...

Can you get a babysitter for you to go to counselling together? Or DH for himself?

If you want to schedule out who does what don't reinvent the wheel see this great tool. ( from Equally Shared Parenting website)

You need more energy so you can sort this. Can you afford more help - eg get cleaners in twice a week get them to change beds and towels - do the ironing. Ocado delivery pass. App on your phone.

Can you learn to drive so DH is not hanging around while you shop?

Is DH claiming job seekers? He would need to get off computer to sign on.

What does your DM think of the status quo?

What does DH do with DC on Friday? How do the Wednesdays at home work?

<BTW I can identify with what MaryZ says I had a time after redundancy when going freelance with DC at nursery and me being ultra low productivity....>

Last thought I've seen you describe your DH as SAHD - he's not is he? He is unemployed and not actively seeking work.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:20:58

I do think Roobyroo's point is a good one

I always bloody cope

At work, at home, growing up

Everyone always says "Oh Cat, you're always fine. Nothing bothers you. You coped with x and y, you never bat an eyelid, nothing phases you, blah, blah, blah". My family always come to me with stuff, my work pile more and more on and I smile, crack a funny joke and come up with the goods.

And I've become this person who does everything and copes with everything and it still funny and laid back and happy, so people think it's fine.

I have made the roddiest of rods.

TheFutureMrsB Mon 28-Jan-13 22:23:26

You could so be talking about my OH catgirl! And I too have told him to fuck off once tonight already!

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:26:21

Can you get a babysitter for you to go to counselling together? Or DH for himself?

Yes. DPs are great, loves DS and would probably think counselling would be a great idea.

You need more energy so you can sort this. Can you afford more help - eg get cleaners in twice a week get them to change beds and towels - do the ironing. Ocado delivery pass. App on your phone.

Yes, I could get the cleaners to come a bit more often.

Can you learn to drive so DH is not hanging around while you shop?

I know not being able to drive is pathetic but I just don't see how I would fit it in. Plus its more bloody money. I earn good money but it has to keep 3 of us and I am shite with it.

Is DH claiming job seekers? He would need to get off computer to sign on.

He doesn't qualify due to my income and not paying enough NI

What does your DM think of the status quo?

Horrified, worried sick but tries not to interfere

What does DH do with DC on Friday? How do the Wednesdays at home work?

He takes him to the park, soft play etc, they do lego, building blocks, wrestle, go for walks. DS is the only thing that gives DH any spark. Wednesdays are hard as I end up working and looking after DS and doing both badly

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:27:03

I really am off to bed now smile I can barely see!

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Mon 28-Jan-13 22:29:42

Hang on, you are looking after DS whilst you work from home?
Why is that?

<another admirer of you as a poster who has been worried by your previous references to domestic split of work>

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:33:12

I'm not meant to be

But the reality is DS gets up at 6:30, and I get up with him and look after him and work and DH gets up around 10:30

I managed to work and look after DS between 6:30 and nap time, get some solid work done when he naps, then juggle work and DS again till nap time, and then juggle a bit more

If my boss phones DH will take him and we usually both take him to the park at lunchtime but it's bloody hard trying to do a big pay modelling exercise and read Oh No George.

Reaa Mon 28-Jan-13 22:33:32

Any chance you can get a babysitter and go out with DH for a meal or just a drink or even just go for a drive so you can have a chat about everything without the DC around?

Notoutorabout Mon 28-Jan-13 22:34:22

I feel for you. I have a similarly full-on job, and know how knackering it can be.

Your say your ds is 14months. So pretty soon, he will be picking up on the role models around him. Which, if your DH is spending his time on computer games/ sitting back while you do 100% of the house, is not going to be all that healthy.

What do you want him to see? Two happy, fulfilled, busy-if-knackered parents, sharing things equally? Or an exhausted mum, who does it all, and an unhappy and idle dad? It's not easy when you work FT, but there has to be a better balance - for all your sakes.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 22:34:30

What the fuck - you look after DS while you work, and he does what - plays games?

I would respectfully suggest that your husband does not love you, not in the way that he should.

I now understand why you give SAHM(P) a hard time on threads sometimes. Because you are assuming that we are all lazy twats lounging around waiting for the working parent to come home and take over.

But genuinely, I think my DH does more with our children and in terms of pitching in with tidying/cooking etc at the weekends than your DH does in a whole week.
If you are prepared to put up with it then more fool you. He is taking you for a ride, and all this 'oh poor silly little DH, he genuinely doesn't realise' is a load of bollocks. As is the idea that you are 50% to blame for the situation.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 22:37:02

Why is he in bed until 10.30??? What kind of arsehole is this guy? He does fuck all on a Tuesday - because your DS is in childcare and then seemingly it is you that does the housework and the cooking. So why the actual fuck does he get to stay in bed all morning like a sodding teenager?

EverybodysSnowyEyed Mon 28-Jan-13 22:39:42

This is getting worse and worse. If I were your boss I would be livid. Does your dh want to lose his only source of income?

If you add up the hours you spend doing jobs you will probably have more than a week.

You are going to end up burning out and hat is not good for you or your son. Please please please do something to help yourself out of this rut

Notoutorabout Mon 28-Jan-13 22:39:50

And. You have to stop the trying to juggle work and child at the same time.
It is a total recipe for stress and disaster, you cannot possibly do both simultaneously.

<<starts to shudder, remembering time that 2yo vomited in middle of client phone conference>>

RubyrooUK Mon 28-Jan-13 22:42:09

Ah, I'm also a coper Catgirl. smile

I'm always the person that people go "oh I can't believe you work full time in such a stressful job and have a toddler and you always make time for people....etc".

But in recent years I have realised that in coping all the time, sometimes you disable other people from stepping up. And it's nice not to cope alone all the time.

You say your DH has a real spark when caring for your DS. That's because that is a proper job. It makes him feel good because on that day he is not a failed graphic designer who plays computer games in his pants - he has a role and is massively needed.

I think if your DH is not just an arse (and you obviously love him) then maybe he is depressed. Or he simply is opting out of life because he feels like everyone is sorting things out without him needing to be involved.

If you have organised your parents and nursery to look after DS and do it yourself when working from home, maybe he doesn't feel like there is much of a role for him. On Friday, when he is needed, it works better. (I'm not saying that this is good behaviour, by the way, just trying to understand.)

CheCazzo Mon 28-Jan-13 22:45:07

Of all the posters that I'm familiar with, and enjoy reading, I have to say you'd be the absolute last I'd expect to see in this situation OP.
I hope the responses here have at least given you a nudge in the right direction - quite apart from your own well-being you can't allow DS to grow up seeing this and thinking it's ok?
Will follow your progress with interest - and Good Luck

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 22:45:41

But Ruby - he is needed on Wednesday, to look after his child while his wife works to keep him in Xbox games, underpants to wear while playing, snacks to consume while playing and electricity to allow his technology to work.

But instead he lies in bed and only provides brief interludes of childcare when she is actually on a phone call.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:47:51

Oh god I don't mean to sound like I diss SAHPS I must come over all wrong. Looking after children is hard work. The hardest and done well the most valuable thing you can do. You can quote me on that if I'm ever coming across differently. I just think what I do is too hard and wrong. I like working, I think there's value in it but I don't think SAHPS have got it easy. (Unless you have school age children, unlimited funds, a live in nanny and a helpful DH, in which case I'm just jealous)

twofalls Mon 28-Jan-13 22:48:43

Why the bloody hell are you looking after your ds when you are supposed to be working and your dh is lounging around doing fuck all? Honestly I despair of people sometimes, the shit they put up with.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:50:19

Oh god I don't mean to sound like I diss SAHPS I must come over all wrong. Looking after children is hard work. The hardest and done well the most valuable thing you can do. You can quote me on that if I'm ever coming across differently. I just think what I do is too hard and wrong. I like working, I think there's value in it but I don't think SAHPS have got it easy. (Unless you have school age children, unlimited funds, a live in nanny and a helpful DH, in which case I'm just jealous)

HandbagCrab Mon 28-Jan-13 22:51:19

Awh cat sad You're doing amazing well. As I keep saying to anyone that would listen to me, I'd have had a nervous breakdown by now if I'd had to work full time with ds. And I am a coper too so you must be a super coper smile

I couldn't live with a man who couldn't see past himself to help me and my ds. My dh is our high flyer and I'm sat in my pants but I couldn't let him run himself into the ground to enable me to sit on my arse.

Best of luck. Maybe if you could get a few nights good sleep (I keep wistfully looking at premier inns) you might be able to think a bit more clearly.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:53:00

Handbag! I do that too. smile. Given its a fantasy, why are we not gazing whistfully at 5 star beds?

ImagineJL Mon 28-Jan-13 22:55:21

What I don't understand is, if he's good with DS, plays well with him and comes alive on Fridays, wouldn't it do your DH good to have him on Tues and Thurs too? Wouldn't it make him happy? And it would save you money.

DaisyDoodle Mon 28-Jan-13 22:56:14

Give him the Annabelle Karmel cookbook and tell him to stock up the freezer!

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:57:35


letseatgrandma Mon 28-Jan-13 22:59:47

Also, if he's good with DS-why isn't he looking after him whilst you work from home?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Mon 28-Jan-13 23:01:08

Catgirl, please switch things so that your mum or nursery has DS when you are working from home then DH can have two days with DS alone which seems to work for him.

A small step that's not too hard? If he was with your mum, you could maybe meet her and DS for lunch.

Or wake DH up at 6:30 or whenever and go and shut yourself in the room you work in, but that might be header.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Mon 28-Jan-13 23:01:24


Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 23:01:38

catgirl - I completely agree that what you do is too hard and wrong, it really is totally wrong.
You are doing an awful lot of what I do, plus what my DH does all by yourself! And the resulting delta in hours is being used up by your DP playing computer games.

Where is your bottom line in all this? At what point will you say enough is enough even if he refuses to change?

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 23:02:55

This may make the thread implode, but he won't eat frozen food, drinks at least one and a half bottles of wine a night and comes to bed at about two thirty am. He is depressed. He has stuggled with depression since I met him but had been great for years since losing his job.

I forgot to mention I am also doing a masters level professional qualification and a pt law degree. Although I may put the law degree on hold because I just can't cope. I got pneumonia just before Christmas which I think is because I am so tired.

I'm going to sleep now as my last post has just made me feel like pulling the duvet over my head and staying there smile

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 23:04:43

Doctrine that's a great idea about

the two days. Ds is good for him, it will be easier for me and ds lives his days with his daddy

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 23:04:54

No implosion here

Just a wry shake of the head and a "that's not so unexpected" response

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 23:05:09

Loves. Not lives. Stupid phone.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Mon 28-Jan-13 23:05:16

Aww , catgirl, sleep well.

Have you tried COOK? Frozen food but cooked in small kitchens, tastes "real" etc?

ClaireDeTamble Mon 28-Jan-13 23:07:25

I don't normally post on these types of threads, but bloody hell catgirl you need to sort this out.

If your DH is not looking for work but does enjoy looking after your son, why don't you formalise his SAHP role? Effectively take off the pressure that he 'should' be looking for a job and make his focus the home.

Take DS out of nursery - maybe just the one day to start with and get your DH looking after him. Stop the getting up at 10:30 during the week - he needs to be up at the same time as you, or at the very least within 30 minutes of you getting up.

The Wednesday nonsense needs to stop - he should be looking after him. Go to the park together at lunchtime by all means, but during the rest of the day he needs to be in charge of DS. Is it really worth risking your job over given you are the only wage earner - what happens if you make a critical mistake in your work because you are distracted by DS or if your boss gets wind that you aren't doing the amount of work you should be?

If it is difficult for your DH to get into the new routine of a Wednesday could you stop working at home for that day for a few weeks.

As for the domestic stuff, write down what needs doing and split it appropriately. He should really be doing the cooking while you are at work during the week and probably the shopping as well. He should also be keeping the house relatively tidy - on top of dishes etc. The rest of the chores, cleaning etc should be split equally.

It sounds like he needs some kind of purpose - the more you do, the more he will rely on it and the lazier he will become. I know this because my DH does more than his fair share around the house and it makes me lazy. I'm trying to pull myself out of it, but it sounds like your DH needs more of a push to do it.

snoopdogg Mon 28-Jan-13 23:09:39


Has she gone to sleep?

Can we nip round and 'remove' him?

Effing twunt.

manicbmc Mon 28-Jan-13 23:09:47

You got pneumonia before Christmas? Your body still won't be healed from having that and he is still letting you run around? And he moans at what you feed him? And does bugger all but play computer games all day? And drinks like a sodding fish? If he's coming to bed at 2.30am then there'll not be much going on in the bedroom, other than him snoring.

You will get pneumonia again if you don't stop. My ex did when he didn't heed the doctor's warning about various things. And it was much worse 2nd time around.

If your dp isn't willing to stop sulking like a little boy and pull his finger out for the woman and child he loves then chuck him out. You will still be running around (but less I reckon) and it will all be on your terms.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 23:11:27

He won't eat frozen food? Not even 'real' food, cooked - by him? - and put in the freezer?

I think you are having your chain yanked here catgirl.

FWIW my DH also struggles with depression but has set up his own business post being made redundant twice in 3 years. Each time business is slow he picks himself up to go and find another project. It is only an excuse because your DH lets it be one.

If you are working FT and he is not working at all, he should be doing most (if not ALL) of the things you are currently doing - shopping, cooking, laundry etc.

What the fuck does he do all day while your LO is at his grandparents?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Mon 28-Jan-13 23:21:12

Good post Claire.

"but he won't eat frozen food, drinks at least one and a half bottles of wine a night and comes to bed at about two thirty am"
Sorry, but if he won't go food shopping or cook, then he can either eat whatever is put in front of him or starve. I'd treat him like a toddler on that point, because he is acting like one. The wine - stop buying the stuff in, that is really not good. Or is buying wine the one household task he will do?

TinyDiamond Mon 28-Jan-13 23:39:34

he's drinking far too much. this will contribute to him not being able to get up before 10 fucking 30

Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 23:43:59

I'm not surprised at the wine.

Or the depression.

In fact, the whole thing is scarily familiar (in a sort of wry "there but for the grace of god go I" sort of way) sad.

The question is a chicken and egg one, though.

Which came first - unemployment, drinking, depression, doing nothing, having nothing to do .....

Where did it start?

And does he want to change it?

Because it has to come from him. It really does. And if he doesn't want things to change you need to accept that you are working to support two children, and you need a cleaner and some extra help around the house. If your salary stretches to that, and you can manage it, fine. If not, then, well, you have to find an alternative way.

ElliesWellies Mon 28-Jan-13 23:47:11

Gosh. If I was you OP, I'd prepare dinner for myself and DS, but not him. Do laundry for yourself and DS, but not him, etc. If he says anything, then ask him how often he does those things.

Snazzynewyear Mon 28-Jan-13 23:48:02

The Wednesday pattern has to change right away. Take your DS up to him and hand him over to DP at 6.30 and he will have to get up. I would be threatening a mug of cold water over the head if he didn't shift himself. It is awful that your need to work isn't respected and your DP who's IN THE HOUSE isn't looking after your child. I'm sure it's also nice to all go to the park together but I bet you don't enjoy as much as you would do if you'd got some solid work done that morning. Tell DP that unless he properly takes DS by himself for the morning / afternoon blocks you will not be going to the park and he will have to do that himself. I can imagine it might be nice to still go as a break if you were able to have a proper working day around it.

Snazzynewyear Mon 28-Jan-13 23:54:54

Ah have seen now someone's thought of a way to sort Wednesdays. Good. But he still needs to be up when you are or close to then. I would stop buying the wine, since it doesn't sound like he would make the effort to get him himself.

NatashaBee Mon 28-Jan-13 23:59:28

My jaw was on the floor by the time I got to the part about the cleaner. Do you ever get a single hour off to put your feet up (let alone a whole day?). I hope you've given him some food for thought and he realises what a twat how selfish he's being.

OK, so is depressed. Surely he knows that being isolated, drinking far too much, not working, spending hours playing video games is all wrong and bad for him. It's like a diabetic sitting around eating doughnuts all day.

He needs to take over Wednesday from you. You say he's good with DS. I would be a fantastic mother if I did only one full day a week (not even including the wake up).

If he can buy wine, he can food shop. unless you wine shop too, in which case, STOP.

I like you as a poster too. Imagine what you would say to yourself on this thread...

AngelaCatalano Tue 29-Jan-13 06:36:04

Has he been to the doctor about his depression?

I'm afraid it sounds like you may need to give him an ultimatum, if only to give him a kick up the bum. Either he makes an effort- gets help, counselling/meds, lifestyle changes, or he will have to move out.

I actually think it's probably the most loving thing for him, and certainly the best thing for you and DS. It won't be good for him to grow up with such a miserable father sad

And it goes without saying that this situation is completely unsustainable for you. You have coped for long enough.

myBOYSareBONKERS Tue 29-Jan-13 06:58:43

He isn't so depressed that he can't bark orders or play on his computer though.

Think this is used at times as an excuse for people who are just lazy.

Before you all jump on me, I have been depressed and am still on my tablets and it was hard enough to get dressed, let alone play games, bark orders or take my DS out

BookieMonster Tue 29-Jan-13 07:19:31

You can't make him change. It has to come from him. What you can do is decide how you want to live your life. Personally, I'd rather not have the added stress of a worse than useless husband. And he is worse than useless because he creates extra work for you.

TrampyPants Tue 29-Jan-13 07:37:23

I am marking my place so I can write a proper post once ds is at school.

whois Tue 29-Jan-13 07:53:13

This can't continue. You are enabling his selfish behaviour.

How can you possibly get ANYTHING from this marriage? No emotional support, no domestic help, barely any child are support, no money.

So he is depressed? Has he actually been to the GO? Got counselling? Taking drugs? Made lifestyle changes? No? Sounds more like he is just a lazy selfish useless twat.


LegArmpits Tue 29-Jan-13 07:55:36

Wow. I'd DROWN him, let alone leave him.

catkitson Tue 29-Jan-13 07:57:06

If he is going to be the SAHP, then he will have to do considerably more than what he is doing at the moment. I stay at home, but noone else has to lift a finger to clean, cook, shop and so on. If my husband came home from work to find no shopping in, no food and the house not clean, he would not be best pleased, and as much as I hate to say it, rightly so.

JeezyOrangePips Tue 29-Jan-13 08:05:35

I left my ex for less.

When my ex finally got a job, a year after I left him, a colleague of his (who happens to be a friend of mine) asked him why he hadn't worked in so long.

His answer was that he had everything he needed provided, so why should he.

Never mind the fact I was stressed and run ragged and didn't have anything left at the end of a 12 hour day to be able to enjoy time with the kids.

My life is much improved since I left him. I suspect yours would too. For one thing, you wont have to clear up his mess too.

Hissy Tue 29-Jan-13 08:17:45

If you told him to go OP, HE would be better off. He'd get benefits for a start and he'd have to leave the house to go and sign on, and tell THEM what he was doing to get a job.

YOU would be better off.

25% discount on your Council Tax for Single Occupancy for a start.
1.5 bottles of wine, at say £7 each per day is more or less £300 a MONTH
Add to this the takeaways, cos he won't cook, the leccy he uses that wouldn't need to be spent if you and DS were out working/at nursery, the food etc.

Just on his WINE money you could afford to put DS in FT nursery for the days you are working. But you have your DM, who I am sure would help out far better than your current 'arrangement'

Even on paper this relationship doesn't have any reward/benefit/point.

You need to draw up a list of things that need doing, insist that he provides ALL meals, and he gets up and takes care of DS on the days you are working at home, and alternates getting up in the mornings with you.

If he balks at this, tell him it needs to end and that he needs to find somewhere else to live, as his meal ticket just exprired.

Any man that doesn't modify his behaviour while watching his wife succumb to Pneumonia is not one that you stay with.

He is a dud, he wants to be like this, and you can't afford it, financially, emotionally or psychologically.

jojane Tue 29-Jan-13 08:38:34

Havnt read the whole thread but my DH does way more than yours and he works FT and I am the SAHM bar a couple of evenings bar work. I would love to put the baby in nursery ad spend all day watching tv and soon no housework/cooking/cleaning etc but in real life that isn't an option,
I would say to DH either get a job to pay for a cleaner/ nursery on a wed/ food deliveries or do it himself.

MrsOakenshield Tue 29-Jan-13 08:49:33

I would suggest that you take DS out if nursery, stop working from home on a Weds, and have DH look after DS those days (by all means keep his day with grandma), win win financially, for your job and for DH, if this is the main thing that gets him going and involved and happy.

stop paying for the wine, if he wants to drink every night he can go out and earn the money to do so.

Is it at all likely that he will go to his GP and talk about his depression?

I think there is more to this than you merely enabling him, though the no frozen food and no housework is just bullshit on his part. If he spends more time looking after DS then fair enough he doesn't do all the housework - he would still need to contribute far more than he is now.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Tue 29-Jan-13 08:53:05

I hope you slept OK, catgirl.

ArtexMonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 08:57:37

Having thought about it and remembered how long you have been posting threads like this about him, I would be wary of getting him to do more childcare tbh. Because frankly I think this relationship is untenable and the last thing I would want to do would be to put him in the position of being able to claim he is your ds's primary carer so that when you do inevitably split he can sit on his lazy alcoholic arse in your house that you pay the mortgage on claiming 15% of your wages off you while he lets your ds run fucking feral.

He is never going to change. He is horrible. Kick him out.

I'm with ArtexMonkey on this one.

HoleyGhost Tue 29-Jan-13 09:13:48

He is an alcoholic. Speak to al-anon. After a bottle and a half before bed at 2am, he must be over the limit when driving you to work.

I think you should prioritise a weekly driving lesson. Your DH could then help you practise on your way to work.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 29-Jan-13 09:20:00

Get rid, OP.

letseatgrandma Tue 29-Jan-13 09:21:21

Having thought about it and remembered how long you have been posting threads like this about him, I would be wary of getting him to do more childcare tbh. Because frankly I think this relationship is untenable and the last thing I would want to do would be to put him in the position of being able to claim he is your ds's primary carer so that when you do inevitably split he can sit on his lazy alcoholic arse in your house that you pay the mortgage on claiming 15% of your wages off you while he lets your ds run fucking feral.


LesBOFerables Tue 29-Jan-13 09:22:42

Artex- yes. Definitely a perspective to think about, catgirl.

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 09:36:21

I work 15-20 hours a week in the evenings. DH works at least 50, gets up with DS on the weekends, and does the nightly bath/bed routine.

He'd do worse than tell me to fuck off if I played computer games all day and he had to clean and cook, I'll tell you that.


OwlLady Tue 29-Jan-13 09:43:00

so you work ft, do all the house stuff
mum has baby on a monday
tuesday and thurs he is at nursery
weds you have him
friday your dp looks after him shock

that is awful

you really are not being unreasonable to think this is completely unfair on you and your son sad

UC Tue 29-Jan-13 09:52:32

So your DH doesn't work, is meant to be home being a SAHD. But your DS goes to relatives one day, nursery 2 days, you're home 1 day (working from home, not looking after DS....??????), and your DH covers 1 day. You do all the cooking, cleaning, housework, laundry, shopping etc. It doesn't sound like he does any share of anything, let alone a fair share.

Your DH sounds like a lazy git.

justmyview Tue 29-Jan-13 10:00:04

Ah poor you catgirl - sounds like you have been so capable for so long that it's difficult to change the rules at home

I am another one who enjoys reading your posts on other threads.

I think a spreadsheet would be a good idea. You can prepare a list of jobs (together) & then agree (not delegate to him) who does what. The key is to learn to ignore anything that's not on your list. If you agree that he will empty bins then you need to stay strong & not empty them. Most people are lazy if they think they can get away with it. Once the rubbish is overflowing, he'll do it eventually if he knows you won't cave in

I think it's helpful if visible jobs are allocated to the partner who would otherwise pretend not to notice a job needs to be done eg no point agreeing he should clean the bathroom if you know he'll always pretend not to realise it's dirty. However, he can't ignore the fact he has no clean clothes, or no dishes to eat from, or no food in the fridge.

PartTimeModel Tue 29-Jan-13 10:02:13

catgirl I'm now seriously worried.
I did a pt law degree whist working FT in the years before I had DC. It was really hard work - very demanding. There is no way in hell I could have done that with DC and a lazy arsed partner. No way.

You are clearly a coper, but nevertheless the stress you must be under must be IMMENSE.

Not only are you doing yourself no favours with enabling your P's behaviour, but it's not helping him and his depression either. If he is the man underneath that you think he is then he must be feeling like a prize tosser for opting out of family life and he will probably be beating himself up daily for failing you & your child, fueling his depression. He needs to start acting "as if" and get heavily involved again.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 10:07:54

Catgirl I am going to post what I messaged you last night, to see if it resonates at all with other posters. I share ArtexMonkeys concerns that forcing him to do more when he really doesn't want to/is not prepared to is not really the answer and could make your life more difficult in the long run. I have taken out a couple of sentences that referred to your pm, that you may not have wanted me to share on the open board.

Subject:Re: hello
Date:Mon 28-Jan-13 22:16:07

He has you being all things to him. Breadwinner, domestic drudge, arranger of everything. You dance to his tune just as surely as if he was punching you in the head every night. And when you don't jump high/fast enough (the chipshop incident) he is nasty and feels fit to keep you in your "place"

It's not fair. He is a grown up, a family man and responsible not only for himself but for a child too. You cannot do all this indefinitely.

If he is depressed he must seek help on his own account. You cannot rescue him and you cannot carry him as well as yourself and your child. He is mistreating you and you are excusing him. He is holding you to ransom to indulge his selfishness and laziness

Do you think he might leave you because if you put too much pressure on him ? I expect he will, if you push him. He is entitled enough to think he would be justified in doing that.

So, you carry on. Not much of a life is it ?

Something has to change, and I imagine it needs to be something big. Maybe he needs to face the consequences of his behaviour. He isn't contributing in any meaningful way to this family, so the inevitable outcome of that is he leaves it. Sooner or later. Permanently or not.

the one sure thing is...you cannot go on like this.

My bottom line advice ?? (with no expectations whether you take it or not). Ask your mum to have ds on Fridays. Carry on with the other childcare arrangements that don't include him. Ask him to leave and come back when he has sought help with his issues and ready to take an active role as a husband and father.

Your life would get easier, and your brainfog will clear. As it is, you never see the light of day.

AF x

Astelia Tue 29-Jan-13 10:18:09

A scary thought there from ArtexMonkey, be careful OP as that scenario is all too possible.

I think I agree with AF's advice. What's needed here isn't small changes but a big massive readjustment -- for both of you. You might find it easier to 're-boot' separately.

I was struck by what you said about him always having depressive tendencies. I think it's easy to take on the job of managing your partner's depression gradually and almost imperceptibly over the years. Then when it's really gotten out of control, it's hard to break that habit.

But now, it's too much. You need to break the patterns. You have a child to think about, you are getting physically ill, his life has really degenerated. You are honestly doing him no favours by enabling his current lifestyle.

magimedi Tue 29-Jan-13 10:21:42

AnyFucker's post is one of the most insightful & sensible pieces of advice I have read in a long time.

Whether the OP takes this advice or not is a different matter. She seems to be horribly trapped in this relationship & I think she is going to have to be the initiator of change. He won't do anything.

landrover Tue 29-Jan-13 10:22:39

If you cancel the nursery, you could afford the driving lessons too! I dont see why you can't formalise it and have him as a stay at home dad? Surely thats the right decision, have you asked him to do that?

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 10:35:24

land the problem with that is OP's DH doesn't address any of the issues that have led to this appalling situation

if he had any intention of being a "proper" SAHD, he would have taken on much more responsibility already

I wouldn't trust this man to do the job. Full stop. Not the way things are now.

TrampyPants Tue 29-Jan-13 10:45:53

I really cant add anything new to this. I dont want to drag up old posts, but for a while now I have seen your relationship as abusive. he manipulates you, he abuses you, he mistreats you and has no respect for you. You are there to service his needs, physically, financially, emotionally and domestically and that is not a healthy relationship, far from it. I'm another one whose dh works and, because I have health issues, comes home and does a large percentage of the housework, we rarely have sex and he never complains or tries to force the issue, he looks after ds and gets up with him at the weekend so I can have a lie in, he doesnt manipulate, sulk or abuse me. Because he's a real man, he respects me.

I dont doubt that you love him, but you can't continue like this, at the very least its not a healthy relationship for your DS to witness, and I'm worried for your physical and mental wellbeing. Artex and AF have hit the nail on the head, I wouldnt trust this man as far as I could throw him, You are living a half life trying to please someone who doesnt give a shiney shite about your feelings.

I hope you listen, and get away from this man. take care x

LaQueen Tue 29-Jan-13 10:49:07

Sweet Jesus... cat I think your life sounds completely unworkable/untenable, I truly do.

Once upon a time, obviously you had a wedding with your DH, but you certainly don't have a marriage with him. Not a marriage in anyway that I would recognise, or identify with (neither would the vast majority of women).

He hasn't worked in 2.5 years...plays PC games all day, and allows you to encumber all the responsibility of running the home as well as working FT.

Your DH sounds hopelessly flawed, and it is simply not your responsibility to fix him. And you can't fix him, because he doesn't want things to change. He doesn't want to be fixed...why should he? He's living the life of Riley, and has got you on a bunny-run...

He wouldn't last a weekend living with me, I can promise you that hmm

You owe it to your DS for him to live in a home environment that is fairly calm and stress-free, where his Mum is fairly happy and even-natured, and where the atmosphere is generally positive. He deserves no less (and neither do you).

You owe your DH fuck all, frankly.

retrocutie Tue 29-Jan-13 10:51:52

He is a lazy bastard. And if it was a husband complaining about a wife, she would be a lazy bastard as well.


MsVestibule Tue 29-Jan-13 11:30:24

I'm remember your OP from when your DS was about 6 months old - something about him going to bed ridiculously late and frequently leaving the back door open by accident (good grief, I really do store too much irrelevant information in my mind wink) as well as all the stuff you posted about last night.

I've noticed more recently that you refer to your DH as a SAHD and I've thought "good, her DH must have stepped up and is looking after their DS most of the time and running the house" and was actually pleased that things have improved (or so I thought). It comes to something that a bunch of strangers on the Internet are more far more concerned about your health, wellbeing and happiness your DH does.

I know you say you love him, but I'm sure you're past the age now where you believe that love conquers all - there is so much more to a successful marriage than that.

I don't really have anything else to say that other posters haven't already said, but the only glimmer of hope is that on the thread you started in summer, you jumped to his defence straight away, whereas on this one, you do seem to realise that things have to change.

Thumbwitch Tue 29-Jan-13 11:31:31

Catgirl, I am a SAHM and quite a lazy bastard - but I do all the laundry, cook every other night, do most of the shopping, all of the child care and clean the house when I CBA (not that often, hence lazy bastardiness/slattern).

Your H may be depressed - but it rather sounds like he's wallowing in it, rather than attempting to do anything about it. He picks up on the Fridays because he pretty much has to - if that's the only thing lifting him out of his depression, then he needs to do it more often and by himself, not with you allowing him to let you take over.

I don't know if you are of a "managing disposition" - you might be! But, so long as your DS is actually safe and well-cared for when alone with your H, then let him do it his way. BUT do bear in mind what Artexmonkey has said too because, should you decide that you don't want to continue with this bloke, you don't want him becoming primary carer.

You may love the bones of him - but why? And do you really think he loves and respects you as he should, given that he appears to be ok with allowing you to slave and provide for him, just so he can sit on his arse and wallow? No, he's taking the piss, royally.

I don't think you should turn over SAHP duties while he's still drinking so much. Hangovers and toddlers do not mix.

It also sounds to me, remembering old posts, as if his problems were sort of manageable when it was just the two of you and life was all about working hard and playing hard.

But now things are totally different. You are absolutely entitled to expect more and different from him now that you have DC.

Thumbwitch Tue 29-Jan-13 11:56:53

Good point, dreaming.

Catgirl, is he still drinking 1-1.5 bottles of wine per night? Because tbh, I'd try and put a stop to that and if you do all the shopping then that should be easy enough. I know that it's dangerous for alcoholics to just suddenly stop drinking - but 1-1.5 bottles a night is what I used to do back in the past pre-DC, while DH was in Australia and I was in the UK - and I wasn't an alcoholic, nor did it cause me any health issues to stop it.

If he cuts out the drinking, he won't sleep as late the next morning. It may improve his depression (my DH finds he gets far more easily depressed when he's on the wine; he has long periods of abstinence because of this) and he will probably have more energy to do stuff.

He does rather need to grow up.

Hullygully Tue 29-Jan-13 11:58:38

I have only read the OP


If he truly loved and cherished you (as he may have promised you on your wedding day) he wouldn't behave like this. Even if he is depressed.

I think he's actually breaking some of those wedding vows tbh.

Whoknowswhocares Tue 29-Jan-13 12:09:25

You have had some wonderful advice, which I cannot improve on. I sincerely hope that you heed it.

One thing I have not yet seen mentioned though. He drinks 1 and a half bottles of wine EVERY night. Please, please tell me that you do not get in a car with him or let him take your child in the car, at the very least until after lunchtime......EVER!. He will be over the limit. He will not have his full faculties.

He could quite easily cause an accident. Seriously injure or Kill you or your child. Don't sleepwalk into disaster!

Ruprekt Tue 29-Jan-13 12:12:44

I am so sad for Catgirl - a beautiful girl from looking at her profile.

'The less you do, the less you WANT to do.' tis a true phrase.

I would be tempted to remove the computer games so he had to get out of the house and move his butt!

Just because he cannot get the job he WANTS does not mean he should not try and get a job! Get him down the job centre at least looking for something.

1. Cut the booze. There is no more money for this excessive drinking.
2. Remove the computer games.
3. Sort out online shopping.

That is enough for now. But you do not need to live like this and if he does not like you treating him like a child, dont act like one. Or move out.

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 29-Jan-13 12:22:04

I've also read a lot of your posts Catgirl, and you always seem so together.
I think now you've written this one, you can't go back, or you're going to have the all your mumsnetter friends nagging you for ever more.
I also can't believe you've let this go so far, but I'm glad you've got it off your chest now, you can't live this way any more, it's totally unsustainable.

ENormaSnob Tue 29-Jan-13 12:37:06

You are totally having the piss ripped out of you shock

Cocklodger of the highest order.

Are you happy with the example he is setting your ds?

NomNomDePlumPudding Tue 29-Jan-13 12:51:17

he's drinking too much. drinking too much makes (most) people miserable and useless. i think he's clearly an arsehole, and i wouldn't give him house room, but if you are looking for a less effective extreme solution than actually chucking the lazy bastard the fuck out, you might try refusing to pay for the ten bottles of wine a week that he's drinking.

DorisIsWaiting Tue 29-Jan-13 13:03:54

He is an alcoholic- If you remove the wine you will have money for driving lessons .

He would also be functional when your ds wakes and able to help out at home as a SAHP should. DH WOH and I am a SAHP. We get up at the same time to get the DD's sorted and him off to work. He makes all the packed lunches as I am doing physio for dd2 (20-30mins). But we share it.

You keep telling yourself he's good with ds but as others have already said what kind of role model is he? He's not there in the mornings because he's drunk too much the night before. (Surely he would still be over the limit dropping you at work if he was ever stopped? And I hope to god your ds is not in the car....

He REALLY needs to prioritise what is important in his life you and your dds or the alchol and computer games. If he can't do it alone he needs to see the GP. I think counseling atm would be a waste of money as he needs to sort himself out first, before you can even consider your relationship. Maybe you would benifit from individual counseling to work out why you feel you always have to be the coper and why you have accepted this relationship?

Good luck I think you will need it.

catgirl1976 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:13:18

Thank you all for all the advice

It seems pretty unanimous and has given me a lot to think about

I'm shattered today as didnt really sleep last night and was up at 5:30 with DS and now at work

Some posts have touched me beyond belief. I feel very teary reading this thread


MamaBear17 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:19:35

There are no words to describe just how unreasonable your DH is. Infact, he is a complete tosser.

You must be exhausted.

Is there any way you could get away for a couple days without DS, either alone so you can rest and think, or with DH if you think that would break him out of his rut?

It's hard to think and deal with stuff when you're exhausted and working.

SophieLeGiraffe Tue 29-Jan-13 13:24:54

Hi catgirl, I wanted to add my voice as a mostly lurker who has always seen your posts on many topics and thought you to be a strong, together woman. Like many, when I saw who was the OP of this post I was very shocked. I haven't seen any of your other threads about your husband so I was very shocked to see you being treated in such a way. I was so affected by your post last night I asked my husband this morning if he felt I did enough in the house as I would hate for anyone I love and who loves me to feel so belittled as you do. I've a few health problems myself at the moment (Anxiety) and DH is possibly doing more at the moment as a result to help me but as both FT working parents with a DS and house to manage, we're pretty equal on that spreadsheet!

My advice is much the same as previous posters. I'm so sorry you have, to quote you, "sleepwalked into this situation". I agree some immediate and drastic action may be required but you obvioiusly still love your husband and I can only imagine how hard it is to see this mirror held up to you. Talk to your Mum, you say she is horrified so none of this will be much of a surprise. Ask her advice and support. Someone earlier mentioned a very good plan for swapping around the days so that you can save your Wednesday for work. You need that WFH day but you need it to work and rest from your commute and a little downtime from being "on" all the time in the office. I WFH two days a week, DS goes to nursery. Times when I have had him with me - sickness, nursery training day, trying to spend a bit more time with him, etc, are exhausting and you can neither work nor look after DS properly.

You are trying to do what I have made myself ill doing and be everything to everyone all at the same time. And I have support from my husband. Please don't make yourself ill, stop it now and get some more support from your family.

Please take care.

BookieMonster Tue 29-Jan-13 13:28:27

Don't be teary, be angry with your H for abusing the love and faith you had in him to be an equal partner in your relationship. Perhaps he is depressed, perhaps he does have a drink problem. Either way, he has to want to sort these issues out.
I'd be asking him to sort them out away from you and your child.

MysteriousHamster Tue 29-Jan-13 13:28:58

Your life would be so much easier without him.

I don't know how he justifies the time he has at home alone.

I'm so sorry it's taken so long to realise what's happened (due to how busy you are).

Inertia Tue 29-Jan-13 13:37:43

No wonder you're tired. You're trying to fit the lives/tasks of two people into one person's body. You are probably so exhausted that you can't see the wood for the trees.

I don't know your backstory, but I would say this- based on the evidence so far, it doesn't sound as though he is going to have some kind of Damascene conversion where your words suddenly sink in and he renounces his lazy-arse ways. After all, who wouldn't want to lie in until mid morning then sit on their arse playing all day if somebody else did all the earning, childcare, cleaning, cooking, shopping, and laundry, and let them get away with petulant tantrums?

From the outside it looks straightforward:

-You work from home on the day that DS goes to your mum. That day is the day that DH can do the cleaning, after he's got up at 6.30 with DS to sort breakfast. No need to then pay a cleaner.

- DH looks after DS on the other days. No need for nursery if childcare is available and free.

- Do online shopping. Stop buying wine with it.

- Money saved on cleaners, nursery fees and wine can be spent on driving lessons for you. I'd consider putting the professional qualifications on ice for the time being if possible, in order to prioritise driving lesson time.

I've been the SAHP. And the time that I wasn't caring for DC due to them being at nursery was used to sort the housework and all the other household tasks. Your DH is not a SAHD if he only does one day of childcare.

If your DH has genuine depression then he needs to see a doctor and get help so that he's able to make a contribution to your family again. There is nothing at all wrong with being a SAHP , in many families where children's needs take precedence it may well be impossible for the SAHP to do housework too. But there's no excuse for being the SAHP and doing no actual parenting.

CalamityJones Tue 29-Jan-13 13:38:05

He's totally and utterly taking the piss, Catgirl. He's so accustomed to you carrying the entire weight of the finances, your son and your job that somehow he's got himself into a fucked up mindset where he thinks it's not only okay but perfectly reasonable that you should run yourself ragged while he sits on his arse playing computer games and drinking one and a half bottles of wine every night.

So what exactly DOES he bring to your relationship?

catgirl I hate to be a doom and gloom poster but I think the time for "please change" has long passed.

If you get through to him enough he may change his habits for a little while, just to shut you up going on about it. And then all the old shit will creep back in and the cycle will begin all over again.

If he really respected you and cared for you and wanted to be a life partner to you, he wouldn't be acting this way in the first place.

I second what others have said. He needs to leave. He's only useful one day a week and your mum would, I'm sure, cover that. Tell him to get out. Give yourself a chance to see things clearly without him.

IF he realises what he had and IF he is willing to change dramatically and permanently then there may be hope for you.

If not, I'm sorry to say, but I don't think you will have lost anything. He, however, will have to learn to actually be an adult and look after himself.

I'm sorry to go on but it won't get better continuing like this. Please know your worth and stick to your guns. Just because you CAN cope alone doesn't mean you should have to.

ISeeSmallPeople Tue 29-Jan-13 13:47:43

I thought I knew you. But the person I know has an older child, & her DH doesn't drink.

He's killing her.

One day I think she may drop dead from a heart attack or stroke as she's working so bloody hard, & has no support at home at all.

She thought it would change when their child went to school. No, he still does nothing but drop off & pick ups.

She finally passed her driving test, but still doesn't drive as he doesn't want to give up 'his' car that she's still paying for to save a 6 minute walk for the school run.

It makes me so sad to see her so unhappy, & I try to help as much as I can, but really she would be better off and happier without him. Now their child is older, she feels she can't, as he's the 'SAHD' who would most probably get full custody.

PeppermintPasty Tue 29-Jan-13 13:48:00

He really is taking the piss Catgirl. My unreconstructed dp cooked shepherd's pie last night, gets a meal on the table for us all when I get in from work, looks after dd, 2yo, full time, and ds when he's back from school.

Today dp, SAHD, is hoovering, sorting the washing, chopping wood and playing with/picking up after dd.

I'm not saying all this as some sort of stealth boast. This has been hard won, a real uphill struggle to get him to take on board all the aspects of a SAHP, but you know, reading your posts I am genuinely horrified at what you are having to do and having to put up with to get by. This is no life.

You must be very very strong indeed to keep going in the face of all this. I would have cracked-indeed I have cracked, many times. But my dp saw the wood for the trees eventually, and things are good. If he hadn't changed I would be in your position, Thing is, he wanted to change, and he did. I don't think your dp wants to, and you deserve so so much better girl x

PrincessFiorimonde Tue 29-Jan-13 13:58:20

Your DH must know how unfair he is being. I can't believe there's an adult alive who couldn't see the unfairness of the situation.

I wish you the best of luck, OP.

nickelbabe Tue 29-Jan-13 14:18:19

stop getting up with your DS.

from tomorrow morning, as soon as your DS wakes up, dump him in your bed for your H to deal with.

Go on a work-to-rule strike.
make your own food, wash your own clothes and have a set of pots/cutlery for your own personal use.

Stock the freezer with ready meals and eat them yourself.

don't do any more housework.
don't have your Wednesday work at home day - go out to work that day.

If you really have to, deal with DS's things, because I can see your H not even bothering with your joint child if you don't do it.
But I would be inclined to only wash DS's clothes and have frozen food in the freezer for him.

showtunesgirl Tue 29-Jan-13 14:20:18

Catgirl I remember you as we have DC the same age.

There is absolutely no way DH would ever behave like this as he has our best interests at heart. I'm actually sick at home with a feverish cold today and he just got on with things and got DD up, breakfasted, nappy changed, clothes on and out the door to the CM.

In fact, I too have a bit of a martyr complex and it's only when I'm really not feeling great that I "allow" DH to show me how capable he is. He is always telling me to let him do more with DD as I get too protective.

Parenting should not be done in isolation and you are definitely doing way too much.

LaQueen Tue 29-Jan-13 14:21:35

cat the saddest thing here - is that you do realise that your DH will have specifically chosen you ...not because you're pretty, or intelligent, or fun, or any of those things (which you certainly come across as being on MN).

Your DH will have specifically chosen you because he will have accurately assessed quite early on in your relationship that you are the type to put up with far more arrant shite than a lot of other women...and he mentally rubbed his hands together and thought 'Heh, heh, heh - this will be like taking sweets from a baby' and he then proceeded to walk all over you, purely because he can.

For him - there are no nobler feelings here, there isn't a glimmer of gold beneath the dross, there isn't going to be a magical day where he turns to you and smiles with his heart in his eyes and whispers 'Thank you for making me a better man.'

He has taken you for a Mug. He is taking you for a Mug. And he will continue to take you for a Mug, forever. Because this is what he is and this is what he does.

LaQueen Tue 29-Jan-13 14:27:42

And, to add - though I regularly bemoan my DH's spectacular lack of domestic skills, he's a paragon compared to your DH cat.

Agreed, he doesn't cook and he doesn't even know where the Hoover is stored...but, he works a 70 hour week (so 50 hours more than me), pays for the cleaner and always steps up to the mark when it comes to parenting our DDs.

Yesterday, he made a 250 mile round trip to Bath, and was back in time to do the school run, and then ferried our DDs to gymnastics and badminton...and when I got in from work he made me a cup of tea, and heated me up some soup/toast because I was all in (very stressful day).

And, I'm not posting this to boast...I know a lot of DHs who do far, far more than mine...but, this just illustrates how incredibly low down the Ladder of Care&Consideration your DH truly is, cat.

LesBOFerables Tue 29-Jan-13 14:34:54

I'm wincing reading that from LaQueen, because regardless of the truth, I suspect it will make you feel very defensive. Can I ask something though (which of course, you don't have to answer)? Are you scared of him? It does sound like you tiptoe around him trying to find exactly the right non-confrontational way to bring up issues which might upset or annoy him. He looks pretty intimidating physically to me from the picture on your profile, and I certainly wouldn't want someone that size yelling in my face- I'd be terrified, even if he never actually raised a hand. Is it actually possible for you to have the kind of conversation you need to?

I agree with Anyfucker that it would be best if he leaves while you work this out, and ArtexMonkey's post is very prescient.

LaQueen Tue 29-Jan-13 14:46:07

I agree with BOF - I witness very, very similar behaviour in my MIL.

As far as I know, my FIL certainly isn't a violent man (I've never even heard him raise his voice) - but for 20 years I have watched my MIL tie herself up in knots, pussy-footing around him, hesitantly testing the water to see if she dare possibly...possibly...ask him to drive her the 1.5 miles to the supermarket when it's pouring with rain...

Sometimes, she has judged that she just daren't ask, and so she has simply walked to the supermarket in the rain sad And, when DH finds out, and berates her for it, MIL leaps to FIL's defence 'Oh, it was only a bit of rain...it wasn't far'

Because, that allows her to save a tiny bit of face, a tiny bit of dignity - rather than acknowledging that she has stayed married to a man who openly treats her like shit, and would let his 70 year old wife carry 2 heavy shopping bags through 1.5 miles of rain.

And there are a 1001 similar, desperately sad incidents sad

And, I know my FIL actively chose my MIL precisely because she would tolerate him, and his shitness.

nickelbabe Tue 29-Jan-13 14:50:11

LaQueen - you're right, her H has chosen her for exactly those reasons. sad

LaQueen Tue 29-Jan-13 15:03:55

nickel yes, very sadly, I think that is so.

Obviously, the fact that cat was pretty, and nice company, intelligent et al, would have made her even more desirable.

But, essentially those elements wouldn't have been what made her the most attractive to her DH.

50 years ago my MIL was a dainty, pretty brunette, quite artistic and eager to please...thanks to FIL she has spent the last 49 years walking on eggshells, always feeling confused, always feeling very unsure, and constantly making apologies for him.

It's been no life.

Died at 21...but has yet to be buried.

It must be hard to see so many LTBs, when you still love him. So I just want to point out that you can love him and still ask him to leave.

I think a lot of us might think that you only ask someone to leave because you don't love them anymore, because there is no hope for the future.

But you might also ask someone to leave because no matter how much you love them, no matter how possible it might be that things could change, their present behaviour is not acceptable -- because they are not treating you properly, not taking proper care of their children, etc.

You don't have to stop loving him. But that doesn't mean you have to accept his behaviour and allow him to keep treating you like this.

I know my husband loves me to pieces but if I did even half of what your husband does, he would ask me to leave -- not because he didn't love me anymore, but because he would think it was total bullshit.

At the very least your husband needs to start counseling for his depression and addictions. I think it's totally fair for you to insist on this and if he refuses, ask him to leave. Your son is going to grow up so fast, it won't be long before he can tell that things aren't right.

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 29-Jan-13 15:21:19

Was there ever a time you had an equal partnership Catgirl.
Like when you first got together, did he work?
Did he ever do any housework, or is this just a gradual thing?

LaQueen Tue 29-Jan-13 15:32:31

Love simply isn't enough...it's a great starting point, but love should just be the beginning. Love oils the wheels&cogs of a relationship...but the wheels&cogs have to all be working properly, and in harmony, to begin with.

If there are wheels which are completely missing, and cogs which are snapping and broken, then no amount of love is going to fix things. And, neither should it.

cat if what you feel towards your DH allows you to tolerate such dreadful, dreadful behavior and neglect - then I would truly hesitate to call it love, not in any sense that I know love, anyway.

HoleyGhost Tue 29-Jan-13 15:35:24

Your DH does not look like the mild mannered graphic designer I was expecting.

It looks like he manages to work out plenty? If he is motivated to do that, but not pull his weight at home, that makes it worse.

Charbon Tue 29-Jan-13 15:49:03

Catgirl I've hesitated to post, but here goes.

I don't remember many posters' names but your name stuck because I was on a couple of threads with you ages ago where you seemed to be defending the indefensible and upholding men's rights to behave extremely badly. I was startled that someone with so much intelligence and warmth was taking that stance and it baffled me. I wondered then whether you were in an unequal relationship because as I have often noticed on this site and in RL, it is a familiar defence mechanism that props up the denial about how bad a partner really is. So it never surprises me when it later emerges that all is not well, but I'm very sorry that is the case and commend your bravery and openness.

I think the depression and alcoholism are smokescreens for what is an extremely selfish and entitled man who just doesn't love you enough.

And tough as it is and courageous though you'll need to be, I think the only solution to this is to get out while you've still got your health and your sanity reasonably intact.

Ilovefluffysheep Tue 29-Jan-13 16:12:24

Have you shown him this thread? Because if you can't/won't talk to him about it, then you really should.

You should also take note of what every single person has said - he is a completely lazy arse and taking you for a ride - no ifs, buts or maybes.

I really really hope you can take something from this, as it sounds as if your life is pretty miserable at the moment, and thats very sad.

Ruprekt Tue 29-Jan-13 16:15:24

Hope you get to talk to him tonight Catgirl.

foreverondiet Tue 29-Jan-13 16:17:59

OP - I think you are totally mad to maintain your current status quo.

You work full time, and look after your DS in all your non working time - mornings, evenings and weekends. Not only that you are paying for nursery while your DH isn't working.

Forget the fish and chips - bigger fish to fry here. He should be going shopping, cooking dinner and picking your DH from nursery or his DM AS A MINIMUM.

He uses spare time to play computer games, you use "spare" time to look after your DS.

TheSecondComing Tue 29-Jan-13 16:27:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

letseatgrandma Tue 29-Jan-13 16:28:49

OP-if you did show him this thread-what would he say? Would he say, 'I can't believe you think that about me-how dare you put that on the internet' and be all hurt and detract from the real problem (making you wish you'd never said anything?) or would he get defensive and say, 'hey-actually I do x y z round the house' or would he say, 'oh no-it's really not looking good, is it-I'm sorry'.

I would be interested to know his reaction. Presumably you have had a conversation along these lines at some point in the past before-how does he react?

TheSecondComing Tue 29-Jan-13 16:37:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindor Tue 29-Jan-13 16:53:51

I feel a bit uncomfortable with those saying that Catgirl's DH sought her out because he thought she would be amenable to abuse/allow him to treat her like shit. I don't think it is helpful to make Catgirl feel inadequate about her worth as a person, which this kind of comment may do.

I also don't think that any of us can say, 'I would never have thought that of x poster' because we only see the snapshot of the person that is posted online.

None of us truly knows another poster from what they have posted online.

Only Catgirl can make a decision on what to do next, and that is not a decision that can be reached overnight.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 16:56:47

Also, women of all types/walks of life can find themselves in a relationship like that. We know this, MN should have taught us this. Constantly hearing "I never thought this of you of all people" is going to shut someone down. It's hard enough if you've always been seen as strong and together to ask for help, without having to get over the incredulity you receive that you have "let it get this bad"

I am currently going through some shit at work that you might not expect to happen to me. But I am not coping with it, and I think it's affecting me quite badly (it's finally dawned on me this weekend). So, I sympathise.

Catgirl, it doesn't matter whether you normally kick arse or are a wallflower in disguise. This man is treated you very badly.

Buddy80 Tue 29-Jan-13 16:58:32

Totally agree with MmeLindor

glastocat Tue 29-Jan-13 17:04:51

I honestly think this guy is the worst cocklodger I have seen on here, a veritable king of cocklodging! He is not a good guy, you deserve more. My god, i am exhausted just reading your posts. My husband has been out of work on and off for a while so he does all the housework, and all the cooking ( he is a whiz at cakes), also he has organised our forthcoming emigration including packing up the house, and all the child care. If he was sitting on his arse playing Xbox with a hangover all day I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out. Even when I was off work with serious depression I managed to do more than your husband!

LineRunner Tue 29-Jan-13 17:10:03

I am strong and focused, but I went through hell with my entitled ExH. (He left me and the small DCs in the end.)

I've never really found people saying, 'We never knew why you married him' helpful, especially as they were all more enthusiastic about the wedding than I ever was ...

The one thing I really do regret, catgirl, is that he was able to take me to the cleaners financially because I hadn't seen it coming. Please be better prepared than I was, as it seems your marriage really is in trouble. Good luck, you know I mean that. x smile

showtunesgirl Tue 29-Jan-13 17:11:01

OP, apologies if I made you feel bad. This was never my intention. blush

QuickLookBusy Tue 29-Jan-13 17:11:01

Also agree with MmeLindor and AnyFucker

Catgirl has already said that her H has only been like this since losing his job, it's inappropriate to state things about why he chose to marry her, based on what is written here.

MmeLindor Tue 29-Jan-13 17:33:07

oh, and agree with TSC. Don't show him this thread. I don't think that he needs that much of a reality check, and it will not end well.

AmberSocks Tue 29-Jan-13 17:37:34

sorry i havnt read the whole thread just te first page!


If he isnt cooking,cleaning,looking after your ds for most of the time you are at work and doing the laundry and shopping,then hes not a sahd,heis just dossing while you do everything.

Tell him he needs to either get a job and you share everything eqally

catgirl I hope your head hasn't been too fried today!

I can imagine it's quite overwhelming to have countless people tell you to LTB. Nobody here is posting with anything other than concern and support for you.

I would never tell anyone to leave a marriage lightly. But I am convinced that you need him out of the house. I also really agree with posters telling you to start thinking of finances, childcare etc.

TrampyPants Tue 29-Jan-13 17:59:08

I totally agree with tsc wrt showing him this thread.

Catgirl, can we help you? Do you want another thread in otbt to work through this?

MrsDeVere Tue 29-Jan-13 18:02:27

I have read the whole thread which is not like me, I am lazy.

Get out of this relationship love.

Its not working. It won't get any better. You are making excuses for him. You deserve better.

rhondajean Tue 29-Jan-13 18:08:37

Hi cat

I hope you remember me. I posted quickly last night because I wanted to mark the thread and come back to it when I thought things through. I remember you because I think from your username we are the same age and because you are always so intelligent, witty and strong.

I haven't seem any other threads about your DH.

I've been thinking what I can add to the conversation and it occurred to me there are many similarities between us apart from age. My DH was made redundant from a well paid job four years ago, and it hit him hard.

I'm going to admit here I was bossy. And what also helped was our kids being older and having to be taken to school every morning, so he had to have some routine. I'm not sure about what people said about him targeting you because yu would take shit. I think it might be the other way, he was drawn to you because you wouldn't take shit, only now you have started to feel he is weak and protect him from things like the reality of life and he's started to think he is weak too and before you know it here we are.

I'm a professional coper. Hello, I'm rj and I cope. It's what I do, I never fall apart, I always get through things, and I think you are like that. But you need to admit your vulnerability too.

I ha pneumonia as well - I'm very lucky to be here. Physically your body is telling you you are done. Your DH isn't hearing it for some reason.he has got so wrapped up in his own pity party, poor me, I have no job, I have nothing but look at cat, cat is strong, she's a coper, she will fix it and cope and it will be all right and while she does that I can gaze even more at my navel and not hear her saying she's falling apart. Because she doesn't look it.

You know him best - how do you make him hear? CAN you make him hear?

I hope this makes sense...

SolomanDaisy Tue 29-Jan-13 18:12:36

I said yesterday that I was surprised it was Catgirl posting. I didn't mean it as anything but supportive, but given the way the thread has gone I can see how negative it might sound and regret saying it.

Catgirl, I hope you can find a way forward.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 18:18:08

it's understandable, Sol, of course it is

Cat knows that, she would probably be the first to say it about herself

mostly people are shocked at him though, not her... and that definitely needs reinforcing

AvonCallingBarksdale Tue 29-Jan-13 18:34:34

Jesus wept, just read the whole thread. this is one of the saddest threads I've read on MN. 1.5 bottles of wine a night, in bed until 1030 on the day you work from home WTAF?? You look gorgeous in your profile pics, and he looks pretty fucking pleased with himself, unsurprisingly. I would hazard that this twat will not change, whatever you do and a life without him would be a better one for you and DS. He's setting an appalling example to your son, just dreadful. What is it about DH that you love to bits? Are your friends/family aware of what he's like? My guess would be no, and I'm sure tha'ts how he likes it. I think you've been conditioned to accept this status quo - this is not an acceptable way to live on any level. You poor woman sad

SolomanDaisy Tue 29-Jan-13 18:35:51

Yes, I am shocked that anyone lucky enough to be with someone as cool as Catgirl would risk it by acting like such a twat.

nickelbabe Tue 29-Jan-13 18:46:00

rhondajean that was a brilliant post.

noviceoftheday Tue 29-Jan-13 18:47:09

I thought AF's pm to cat was spot on.

HildaOgden Tue 29-Jan-13 19:01:55

Face up to it.This isn't really a marriage,no matter how much you feel you love him.There is no partnership....just one giver,and one taker.

The taker shows absolutely no sign of changing how he operates,so it has to be you who changes your way of living.

Stop enabling him.Until you do,absolutely nothing will change.

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 29-Jan-13 19:07:09

I notice you on the threads and you seem like a strong, altogether woman so I am extremely surprised you put up with this and are defending him... He isn't doing enough - that you pay for nursery while he sits on his arse is also surprising.

He needs to get off his backside and get a job.

Stop making excuses for him. He is a lazy shit.

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 29-Jan-13 19:15:06

The more I read the more stunned I am you put up with this. I thought you were a strong woman - not someone to make excuses for a useless other half who does nothing.

And you are bloody gorgeous! Grow your balls and say NO MORE!

SpicyPear Tue 29-Jan-13 19:18:45

cat I feel really really sad having read through this thread and particularly seeing it was yours. It really stands out as one of the most upsetting I've read outside of those detailing outright domestic abuse, because you are being treated so so badly. Just the extreme level of neglect your DH is showing with regard to your physical and emotional wellbeing. In your posts you come across as smart, witty and bold. Not that it matters but you are also beautiful. I just can't imagine how you have ended up in a place where you think it is acceptable to be treated in this way. Please listen to the posters who are telling you how much better your life could be without him.

I'm sad you haven't been back to this thread for a while. Maybe you are too busy (there's a surprise). I hope haven't regretted posting this and feel that you've given too much away online... Please come back or post in OTBT or Relationships if you do what to talk about this. I do think you need things to change, really badly need things to change.

Roxylox Tue 29-Jan-13 19:23:40

Oh Catgirl - you have to look after your darling child's mother. She is putting the food on the table, reading the stories, giving lots and lots of love to her special baby...

What will your precious son do when his overworked, overstretched, overwrought mother crumbles?

Because however strong you think you are, this is unsustainable, and you will.

'Cos I wouldn't put my money on the cocklodger stepping up...

Whatever he was, he's not behaving like a decent person anymore sad

Please, start to take better care of your son's mother.

She deserves better.

HandbagCrab Tue 29-Jan-13 19:36:59

Hi cat smile Hope you manage to get some rest tonight.

I think being a mum really makes you reevaluate your personal relationships because you have all this love that suddenly springs up and it throws into stark contrast the close relationships you have that, well, don't have the love, or much love anyway.

You deserve better lovely. Take care of yourself

catgirl1976 Tue 29-Jan-13 19:53:45

Sorry I haven't posted much today. I don't regret posting, not at all. I also haven't taken any comments along the "so surprised it's you" lines negatively at all, so please don't worry. I am confident and outgoing etc, etc so it doesn't make sense I've ended up in this situation. Least of all to me.

There are so many posts on here from so many people I recognise, respect, admire and like - people I've known from the start or have a laugh with, even people I have clashed with. I don't want to start naming names as I don't want to miss anyone out, but I feel like I almost know some of you. I'm sure you know who you are. And every single person has been really kind, supportive and helpful and I appreciate it so much. There have been some brilliant posts on here. Thank you all. flowers

To give you and up date, I came home to a spotless house and a cooked meal and DH gave DS his bath. DH has agreed to get up with DS on Wednesdays and let me work. He has agreed to only drink Fri, Sat and 1 day in the week and that if he doesn't get a job by the end of the month we will change the childcare so he does more days and DS is with DM on Wednesdays.

Now I know that this doesn't mean things are ok - not by a long chalk so I'm not going to go "Hurrah. You've changed DH and everything is rosy" It's nothing more than 1 day of doing what he should have been doing and some words. I know that. There is a very long way to go.

To be clear, DH has not always been like this. We met at uni and he was outgoing, driven and fun and we had a blast. He has always had bouts of depression but they have been more full on and shorter lived than this. They haven't affected our relationship or the balance of who does what etc since he lost his job. For most of our relationship he has worked, been sucessful, had a good social life and been a much more equal partner. For a fair chunk he was the higher earner.

The situation we are in now is untenable. I see that. I also see its been going on too long, I have an annual outburst, he improves for a bit (long enough for me too back off) and then nothing really changes. So I will not let this be the next turn of that wheel.

A few people have asked what my friends think. To be honest they don't know. I paint a picture of everything being rosy and I don't complain or moan to people. I always smile and laugh and just try to be good fun. People who know me would be surprised too. Perhaps I have extended this to DH and let him think everything is great, and I am fine, and all is well. I accept that I have.

I also accept I have enabled this situation and it will need a big behaviour change from me. I hope I have the energy and strength to see it through. You should all know that the kindness and support shown to me by so many on this thread will certainly bolster whatever resevers I have. This is not the family model I want my DS to see. I don't believe DH is happy either, and as I love him, I don't want that. Not for him, not for me and not for DS.

I have a lot to do and so does he, but your advice and support has been a massive help and a reality check.


manicbmc Tue 29-Jan-13 19:56:23

Positive start and I really hope he keeps to his word. smile

mrsbunnylove Tue 29-Jan-13 20:00:32

hope it all goes well for you. next time you 'speak' to him, cut the drink down to once a week. you're not alone in covering up the truth - women are doing that everywhere.

catgirl1976 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:02:15

Thank you bunny and manic

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Tue 29-Jan-13 20:05:16

Best of luck catgirl x

letseatgrandma Tue 29-Jan-13 20:06:37

Wow-he's done all this after your one comment yesterday?

catgirl1976 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:06:52

Thanks Doctrine

And thank you for all your posts. They've been great and you are a poster I really like and admire

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 20:10:40

Cat, is he going to seek help for the depression ? From the GP.

HoleyGhost Tue 29-Jan-13 20:13:46

Well done :-)

And get some rest! You've been through the wringer

catgirl1976 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:14:14

He's said he is more in a rut than depressed but I have said if there's no job and no sustained change within a month then we either go to counselling or he goes to his GP

I have also asked him to start going to the gym again as I think this will help

Well, it's a bloody good start. Well done you for being honest with him and well done DH for pulling his finger out. Now he just needs to keep it out!

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 20:21:55

Has he apologised for driving you into the ground, love ? Doe he understand that people in good physical and mental health who are getting enough rest don't tend to contract pneumonia ?

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 29-Jan-13 20:23:58

It's a start Catgirl,small steps.
But I'd give it a time limit, don't let him fall back to his old ways.

catgirl1976 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:25:54

Yes. He has apologised. We've had a really open talk (rather emotional as you can imagine)

I do think I have got through, but it's just how long it lasts

I suppose in so many ways it's been easier for me to just go "oh...whatever" and not challenge stuff and I have got to keep going and doing the harder thing for the longer term, not the easy thing to just have tonight be ok. I'm just so bloody tired and busy it's hard not to but I'm determined not to let it slide like this. For all three of us.

We've arranged for my DM to have DS Friday night and to go out for a meal and have some time out and a proper talk. I've said I want time for me too, to go to the gym etc.

LesBOFerables Tue 29-Jan-13 20:31:42

That sounds very positive- I hope you get back on track and start valuing yourself more, and that you still feel you can talk here if you continue to have problems. People do want to support you.

Charbon Tue 29-Jan-13 20:32:04

I think if he's still going to be drinking that amount 3 times a week and retaining his gaming addiction, the problems are unlikely to resolve easily. Also, if he doesn't agree he's depressed, then presumably he's accepting that it's sheer laziness and selfishness and isn't caused by poor mental health?

If you have been keeping up a front to others Cat, it might be worth considering some talking therapy of your own about why you have allowed yourself to tolerate this for so long.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 20:33:49

I am glad he has apologised. He really needed to do that.

I hope you feel you can come back to this here if he slides again. I would also tell your mum exactly what you have talked about, even if you have avoided doing that before so she doesn't think badly of him. I suspect she has had his measure, and you need someone on your side to look for the signs of this being too much for you to deal with.

LesBOFerables Tue 29-Jan-13 20:33:58

I think that's a good suggestion, Charbon.

RubyrooUK Tue 29-Jan-13 20:35:26

I'm glad you've tackled it with him Catgirl. It sounds like he accepts things need to change and is prepared to do that. Now he needs to keep it up long term so that becomes the new normal and then it won't be an effort or something that will slip again. Good luck. X

Matsikula Tue 29-Jan-13 20:40:36

glad that some of what you have said has sunk in.

If you are committed to staying together I think advice from the GP and marriage counsellors is a great way to go because people need to hear hard truths from people who aren't involved in the situation.

It would also mean that you aren't taking on the sole responsibility for his mental health and the state of your marriage along with everything else.

My brother suffers from depression sometimes - linked partly to being unhappy with his job - and things that have helped him include exercise, part time study and voluntary work. they have all kept him feeling like his life has a sense of direction, plus the volunteer work is potentially useful for job-hunting. i am not suggesting that study and volunteer work are definitely the way to go, but if he is not having much joy with freelancing then he needs to think of another approach.

I know how you feel about having a massive rant and everything being better for a bit. We have similar rows over domestic workload in our house (though more evenly matched in terms of paid work) - I think the problem is that you can't know things are going to pan out until you have children, and then once you do, every row becomes so much more loaded.

Hope things stay better!

catgirl1976 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:51:31

Charbon - I will get someone counselling for myself. I think I need someone to talk to where I'm not worried about what they think (btw, you may be pleased to know I have learnt a lot from MN and revised a lot of my views. Not all mind. I'm not going to be using the term PIV in general conversation smile But I'm not as fuck-witted as I perhaps was. Still pretty fuck-witted, but I'm getting better grin )

LadyBeagle - I'm giving him a month to either get a job or the childcare changes and 1 week to decide on GP or counselling.

BOF - I absolutley feel I can come back here if I need to. You've all been brilliant

Ruby and Masikula - thank you. For all you support and advice

And AF. Thank you. You're a bloody star.

I wish I could invite everyone on this thread round for a big glass of wine! smile flowers

AvonCallingBarksdale Tue 29-Jan-13 20:53:58

Good luck. Keep strong and take care of yourself.

Charbon Tue 29-Jan-13 20:54:04

That's all very good news. Good luck, love. thanks

CheCazzo Tue 29-Jan-13 20:54:41

I have to say I'm really impressed at how rational you sound OP. If I were you (and I kind of was, once, but it ended badly with me gibbering in the corner and on meds for a year!) I'd be raging or at the very least somewhat annoyed! You seem to be so calm and collected. I salute you.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 20:54:57

We had a few spats, didn't we, Catgirl ? smile

catgirl1976 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:57:32

I will Avon x Thank you

Che- thank you too. I think I sound calm as I'm too knackered to do emotion. I hope you are ok now

Charbon - thank you too

catgirl1976 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:58:09

I'm signing off now x I;m going to get an early night

You are all bloody brilliant

takeaway2 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:58:09

I have only seen this and feel really glad that he's apologized and things have at least been actioned. Long may it last (sorry am long time mn but name changed).

Just wanted to add that I have a friend who sounds like you... Her dh doesn't work (or very little...) and she works full time, cook, look after dd on weekends (takes her to activities and even if there aren't planned activities she'll take dd to parks, libraries, church etc). Dh would go to the pub every Thursday evening. Spend money he doesn't have.

Dd would stay with the father in the morning whilst my friend goes to work. Dh's idea of watching the child is parking in front of tv. He doesn't do housework or cooking or shopping.

It drives a few of us mad.

Good luck.

rhondajean Tue 29-Jan-13 21:05:07

Cat - the gym is a brilliant idea. Tbh it's what got my own DH through because not only was it something he is really good at, it gets the endorphins or whatever going and increases energy and etc etc all the stuff you know.

Hope you sleep well.

BigFatSpider Tue 29-Jan-13 21:35:54

Cat - I started reading the thread this evening from the start, with your situation, so very similar to mine, screaming in my head (and it ain't pretty!). My DH is not a SAHD but works full time (as do I), and doesn't drink or play computer games (his 'vice' is sticking his earphones in and checking out absolutely and completely). The rest of it - DH to an absolute tee. I am a coper, and a bloody good one at that. You just get your head down and plough on because it's easier than the alternative.

I can see that you've updated, and that you're feeling in a slightly better and stronger place tonight. That's good. The only thing I want to reiterate (amongst so much sound advice) is something that leapt out at me from NoelHeadbands:

NoelHeadbandsMon 28-Jan-13 20:49:30

Rather you than me love.

Seriously you have to sort this out properly, else you'll simply burn yourself out. The resentment will build to be so much that it'll kill any feelings you have- really. Might take a year, might take five, but it will kill it.

Our DS is 5.9. I've been feeling as you do for his entire life. Yesterday, I finally realised that enough was enough - one little bicker over something thoughtless he had done gave me the resolve and the courage to finally speak my mind. The resentment had overtaken our relationship completely and there was actually no relationship left. There was no marriage. DH's unresolved depression and anxiety, his unwillingness to engage with family life, his preference to simply meander along in his own little world whilst I did Absolutely Fucking Everything was simply untenable.

Yesterday, we agreed to separate. Noel's prediction of the outcome of such a situation was absolutely spot on. There is no marriage to save.

If you believe there's hope for your marriage, sort it out now. I would hate to see you five years down the line offering your experience of a broken marriage to another unsuspecting soul.

If you need me, I'll be on the Separation/Divorce boards asking what in the hell I do now - but I can tell you that whatever the future holds for me and DS, it'll be a hell of a lot more palatable than the half life I've been subjecting myself to all these years.

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 21:38:08

I am totally blush to admit this, but a few years ago I was a lot like your DH.

I worked part time at a school (was home at noon every day) and was off June-September. I certainly fed and played with DS, but while he was napping or at an activity or watching TV or just playing I often did sweet FA.

I always did the laundry but rarely put it away, washed up when it got to dire proportions, and cleaned if we were having visitors. I did cook dinner most days but not always.

I just kind of got into a rut of just lazing around. DH tried to tell me he was unhappy but I would get angry and think it was just him wanting a "little woman" at home to do everything.

But he was right to be angry, and I was being a lazy bastard. I didn't play computer games but I spent oodles of time on Facebook and mumsnet.

I finally got it and am much better now. I was depressed but didn't know it. I feel much better now. smile So change is possible but he has to see he is in the wrong and truly want to do better.

LaQueen Tue 29-Jan-13 21:48:18

Ah yes, I can identify with that CY.

After having the DDs I tried being a SAHM, twice, for 8 months each time.

Both times were a disaster. Too many mornings when I still wasn't showered and dressed by late morning. All too easy to postpone tackling the ironing until tomorrow.

Because my days were all open-ended, and my week was just the same as my weekend, it was too easy to just drift and achieve very little. Which left me feeling flat and deflated, so I felt even less likely to do stuff. Plus, the residual PND didn't help hmm

Once I went back to work part time, I achieved far, far more because I had to. My days had a specific focus, I had dead lines to meet, and I was more energised.

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 22:06:47

I'm still at home during the day but I have to be up and dressed to drop DS at preschool, and then I'm very strict with myself about what has to be done by what time.

I also work evenings now (just 15-20 hrs a week) so I have to get my to-do list accomplished by the time I go to work.

We are much happier now. smile

TheCrackFox Tue 29-Jan-13 22:14:14

Catgirl, I just wanted to wish you all the best. X

NoelHeadbands Tue 29-Jan-13 22:18:32

Catgirl that's a positive start. Hope you're feeling better and can get some rest tonight.

BigFatSpider sorry to hear about your separation- but fwiw you sound really strong and sure about it. All the best

Leedscatgirl Tue 29-Jan-13 22:22:02

My hubby stays at home while work and he does all the housework apart from the ironing which I do
He cooks through the week and I cook weekends
Seriously your dh is taking the piss

Catgirl I want my wine at yours too. Sounds fun.

A couple of things I wanted to add... Firstly, I was that "I'm fine, fantastic" manic grin type during my first marriage. The only friend I confided in IRL when the marriage was going south said that it was a fucking relief as he had become sick and tired of always offloading on me and me pretending to be perfect. Trust your friends and family to step up when you need them to.

Secondly, he has agreed to the bare minimum; 'only' drinking three nights a week; taking his child two days a week; doing one thing out of the house. What this means it that it should be easily sustainable and improvable on. If it slides, even an inch, you need to not accept it.

He needs this as much as you, if not more. Imagine yourself like one of those feeders. He has the eating disorder but you are enabling him. Stop giving him room to make himself more ill. If he has no time and too much responsibility to drink and game all the time, he may not. If he still does, well he has made his decision about you and DS.

Good luck and thanks

Catgirl, I've stayed up past my bedtime grin to catch up on this thread.

So much of your situation resonates with me - strangely, DH and I have both taken turns being the depressed lazy SAHP at different stages, and it takes a huge effort to change the toxic patterns. If you apply even a small % of the effort you put in to just keeping your family ticking along every day, every little bit will help to chip away the old attitudes.

It is do-able. It is bloody hard. But in our case, so so so worth it. We each have our fun-loving, energetic, ambitious, hard-working and hard-playing best friend back, the way we were when we first met to be honest. We had some other issues to tackle as well, but the one thing that strikes me is how easy it is for someone to be depressed and really not realise it.

Very best wishes to you and your family to work through it all.

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 29-Jan-13 23:02:54

Glad to see your positive update, stay strong and show him things must change. You mustn't do it all alone!

We haven't always seen eye to eye on threads but I wish you the best x

SpicyPear Tue 29-Jan-13 23:12:23

Hope you've had a great sleep. It's a step in the right direction, but only a step. This should be the very least he does, stage one if you like in being the husband and father he should be. You owe it to yourself and son not to accept another slide back into drinking and gaming.

I think counselling would really be helpful, to look at why you feel you should take all this upon yourself and get some boundaries in place. Everyone has a breaking point. You are strong but can only go on so long. Take care of yourself, your son needs you to.

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 23:12:29

To do lists and routines helped massively for me, as well as a good hard sobering look at how much time I wax actually spending lazing around.

MmeLindor Wed 30-Jan-13 00:18:25

I am glad that things are moving in the right direction, and hope that he will step properly up to the plate, not just for a week or two but permanently.

Good luck

justmyview Wed 30-Jan-13 08:22:19

Stay strong catgirl - if you agree that he will do something, then you really, really need to stay strong and don't fall into the trap of "oh well I'll just do it this once." It's a slippery slope. Don't pick up those dishes.

I do remember hearing that if you say "You need to do ....... or I'm leaving" is unhelpful, because the other person feels that you're bullying them & they feel resentful

On the other hand, if you say "I don't feel happy in this relationship. I don't know if I want to continue like this. I think I should let you know I'm thinking of leaving" is meant to be better, because you put the responsibility on the other person to decide if they want to make the changes in order to keep you

I know you don't want to end the marriage, but this might help you to think how you phrase things in your discussions

One huge issue for me would be to establish whether problems have arisen due to laziness or depression. If he had a physical illness, people wouldn't say "you need to tell him to buck up". They would be more tolerant. If it's truly down to depression / mental health, then that's totally different from laziness / taking the p..s

catgirl1976 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:27:19

Just wanted to thank everyone again for all the support and the I'm going to let the thread fade away

AF - we certainly have smile That you ignore that to give me support, despite that makes it clear to me what a bloody amazing person you are.

You all are. Your family and friends are incredibly lucky to have people like you in their lives. LineRunner, Cheerful Yank, MMe Lindor, Rhonda, Gimmecake, Spicy Pear, Dreaming, Noel, Hearts, LadyB, Handbag and all the other wonderful people on here - thank you x

Today was a good day too

I won't let you all down

catgirl1976 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:28:00

And BigFatSpider I'm so sorry about your separation and I hope you are much happier in the future as you clearly deserve to be

LineRunner Wed 30-Jan-13 21:32:08

You be careful out there, catgirl. smile

Oh and just to say - if it does all start going tits up again, please don't be reluctant to come back and start a new thread, or whatever. OK?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Wed 30-Jan-13 21:34:45

Yy linerunner - we are all still here if you need us again, catgirl;

AnyFucker Wed 30-Jan-13 22:13:51

Do it for yourself, and your ds... not for us smile

Oh wow, so glad to come back and see the positive updates. Really sounds good -- best of luck going forward! We're here if you need us smile

catgirl1976 Wed 30-Jan-13 22:42:04

If it starts going tits again, I may be on here asking if anyone fancies an overly optimistic, fading wino and an adorable little, urchin faced sprite as lodgers smile

We've got a lovely spare room catgirl grin

You're not gonna need it though gringrin

deleted203 Wed 30-Jan-13 23:01:07

You can come to me, catgirl. We've got a spare room. And 5 DCs aged 7 - 20, so another child or two (or extra adult) never matters.

AnyFucker Wed 30-Jan-13 23:04:04

Cat, if required, you and ds go to a nice MN'ers house to be pampered.

And send him to mine < evil > grin

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 30-Jan-13 23:06:12

smile x

justmyview Wed 06-Feb-13 13:28:11

Hey catgirl, how are things going now? Hope it's still moving in the right direction

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