wibu to tell my 5 year old dd2 the truth about her thieving dad?

(43 Posts)

Hes frauded me out of almost 100 pounds between 4th and 22nd january.
Hes used my details somehow to download xbox games, police are involved.
Hes stolen from me before and stole the kids money out of their money box

Hes crap with them, he ignored dd2 when he came to see them the other day, he told me she had to wait until he was ready to talk to her ie take his coat off have a fag etc (outside of course) He doesnt interact with them or pay maintenance etc

She dotes on him and want to see him all the time but hes a very unstable person

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Jan-13 13:13:52


Dragging small children into wars between parents is a sure way to fuck them up totally.

She's 5 and she loves you both

Why would you want to do that to her?

katkouta Mon 28-Jan-13 13:15:52

YABU I don't think it's necessary for a 5 year old to know about any of that.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 13:16:00

No, don't do that

She will learn soon enough that her father is a fuckwit. It's best she works it out for herself.

I dont think I would really worra, Im not that mean. Im just angry that he left us penniless this week and I couldnt feed them properly

There are some domestic violence issues too, He hit her so hard once she was bruised, Hes hit me too.

BigPigLittlePig Mon 28-Jan-13 13:18:30

I think you have to be very careful - although he might be unstable a right nob as you say, and clearly has a bad track record, he is still her dad and she will dote on him for that reason alone. As far as I can see the most important thing is that he sticks to his end of the bargain wrt when he's going to see her. There can be nothing worse for any child to wait & wait to see someone, only for them to not turn up.

She will learn in time about his true character, and the best you can do is to protect her from getting hurt.

mumblechum1 Mon 28-Jan-13 13:18:31

Of course you shouldn't tell her.

But for goodness sake if you are in danger, you don't have to take it; there is tons of support out there for you and your daughter.

ok fair enough I wont do it I promise, it just breaks my heart when shes crying for him and says she hates me. I havent stopped him from seeing her but hes just not a good person

welol he doesnt stick to the bargain anyway, he doesnt see her for weeks on end, then ignores her when he does

DeWe Mon 28-Jan-13 13:20:57

You know if you tell her she'll probably ask him about it, and he will turn it round to make you out as the bad guy.
Let her find it out for herself.

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Jan-13 13:21:34

If you fear violence, you need to get proper supervised access sorted.

Sadly there are many men and women who are not good people, but their children love them just the same.

She will realise what he's like eventually, but even then it probably won't stop her from loving him.

BigPigLittlePig Mon 28-Jan-13 13:22:09

ghosts I have a 5 year old dsd, my dh (her dad) is a wonderful dad. She clearly loves both her parents, but over the years has learnt exactly which buttons to press to ensure she gets what she wants. One of the ways is to tell either parent that she hates them. Ignore it, she doens't hate you at all, she hates that, to her mind, you are the reason she can't see her dad - and she will think this because you are the bearer of bad news.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 13:23:16

Is this access to her ordered by a court

Tbh, although I agree that good parents should share the care of the children when they separate, this is absolutely nothing like that is it ?

Does he come around purely to steal from you and mindfuck you ?

I would stop the contact, tbh. Is there any proof of his violence towards her, in case you need it ?

Reaa Mon 28-Jan-13 13:25:05

She will figure it out for herself one day. Do you really have to keep up contact?

Sadly DeWe I think that this is true. He has two other children with an ex, and she told me that he used to be the same with her. He used to twist the truth to make him look better and turned a lot of people against her playing the victim card.

Worra, Im not sure where to go with regards to safeguarding. He does get very aggressive when he doesnt get his own way and I'm worried he will turn up here drunk one night. He has a borderline personality disorder too and is very needy

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 13:27:50

Christ Almighty, sounds like this man shouldn't be around children at all

no court access, was trying to do it all myself. I wouldnt know where to start. He cant commit himself to contact either, hes either /working irregular shifts/too tired/hungry/playing on xbox/playing darts at the pub yet cant afford maintenance hmm

Its me that pushes for him to see them, but since the money fraud thing i just dont know

TranceDaemon Mon 28-Jan-13 13:28:57

YWBU to tell your DD that her dad is a feckless wanker. YWNBU to completely stop access, in her best interests if he has been physically abusive towards her.

I think you'd be best getting him out of both your lives completely by the sounds of it.

Astley Mon 28-Jan-13 13:31:34

Jesus there is no possible need for that shock

You don't upset a small child because you are angry at a grown man. You just don't.

Hes hit her before now when we were together.

We also have another dd together who is two.

Theres so so much more to this but Im just giving the bare fact.

I remember coming home from the pics once and he made my eldest two chidren {not his0 stand in the corner for an hour because they were naughty. The neighbours told me they were hysterical

well as ive said astley Im not going to do it. I dont think I could

Reaa Mon 28-Jan-13 13:33:07

It really does not sound like the DC have anything to gain from contact so why waste your time and effort. At least you tried for their sake but I really would not bother anymore.

I'm not going to, I just dont know what to say to her when she wants to see him, he rejects her and I dont think he's that safe anyway

PignutSalamander Mon 28-Jan-13 13:39:28

Hi there is a lot of evidence that hearing parents bad mouth each other damages the child psychologically. It is not worth it even though he deserves it. It will damage your relationship with her.
You do not however need to cover up for him. When he fails to turn up and you get the brunt of it, treat her take her out and do something you know she will enjoy.
In the circumstances you describe he should not be getting access to your house. Please call women's aid for advice on contact centres in your area.
I really empathise with the idolising him thing, it is soul destroying. My best friends daughter is in a comparable position and we have agreed that as she gets older the not so nice things she needs to know about her dad will come from me. Do you have anyone that can fill that role in the future.
I'm sorry your in this position, I know it hurts not to be able to protect her from the constant let downs, all you can do is take the flak and be the parent she deserves. Please please call women's aid, you don not have to have this man in your house

PignutSalamander Mon 28-Jan-13 13:40:21

Also contact centre access can be used as evidence in court if in future you need to deny access

PignutSalamander Mon 28-Jan-13 13:41:23

Should have read * evidence from contacts centre access can be used in court

PignutSalamander Mon 28-Jan-13 13:45:59

Also having read your later posts contact cent access can be as sporadic As necessary and would mean if he doesn't show your not the one who has to tell her so may not get blamed in the same way.

Inertia Mon 28-Jan-13 13:46:38

I'd say that your biggest priority, given that he's hit both you and the children, is to get proper legal advice about how to keep you all safe. Any contact should be fully supervised by trained professionals, as you're not in a position to keep the children safe given his previous violence. And given that the police are involved with the fraud case, he doesn't sound like the sort of person who'd let that pass by without comment (or worse). You need to make sure that the police and school are fully aware of the history of violence.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 13:50:06

I think you should simply stop the contact. You should have done it a long time ago. he isn't safe around them, and you are not putting the best interests of your children first, sorry.

He will just fade away then, you know it. Best all round. Yes, also for your children.

PignutSalamander Mon 28-Jan-13 13:55:40

Harshly put but anyfucker is right. Just let him fade out if that is how much he cares. In the long run it is better for dd to forget him than be constantly hurt by someone who doesn't really care

Reaa Mon 28-Jan-13 14:14:00

Tell her we can't today but what would you like to do instead.

Badvoc Mon 28-Jan-13 14:17:15

Why are you letting your children see a man who as been physically abusive to them?

you are right anyfucker.

Hes never had any overnight contact as something didnt sit right with me over it. She really wants to see him which is why i tried to keep it going.

As hes got worse recently Ive not left the dc alone with him, we've met for coffee and took them to the park etc, He makes me think that Im the unreasonable one, he told me his psychological councillor said that I was the problem not him, if it wasnt for me he would still have a home and be with us.

He dosent see its what hes put us all through.

I am just going to let it slide now and I will do what Reaa says when she asks to see him

I just didnt think that the violence was that bad, there are dads that do far worse and I dont want to be the one hauled over the coals for stopping contact as people seem to do on MN

yes Im very stupid and naive.

But I will go and get legal advice too

Ive havent got anyone who can fill that role pignut.

The only person who might is my mum but when the dd's are older she may not be around, she is in her sixties.

My friend might do it though come to think of it, I will talk to her and see if shes willing to do it

KellyElly Mon 28-Jan-13 14:53:29

If he's been violent he should only be seeing her in a contact centre (or not at all in my opinion) and not seeing you at all. And no don't tell her. Move on from this man.

Any violence at all against a small child is completely and utterly unacceptable. Yes there are men out there that do worse but that is minority and should be used as a comparison.
It is totally unacceptable for any violence to go on, towards you or your DC.
Let it fade out, he is not good news for any of you!

PignutSalamander Mon 28-Jan-13 16:17:03

What his therapist has allegedly said is none of your concern, a guilt weapon, ignore.
My exp is currently camped in the woods is Scotland in the winter! Utterly fucking stupid but he has plenty of friends he could stay with he has chosen to do this in the hopes I will feel guilty and take him back.
He is a grown up and if he wants housing he had better sort that out. I am not sorting anything out for him.
You are taking this all on yourself. In the nicest way you need to toughen up. You have done well to end this poisonous relationship. Now you need to manage his contact. WOmens aid will walk you through this process.
Please do not let him in your house again, he is an abusive knob and your home should be a safe place for your family.
As long as you are leaving a route that he can see her safely you are within the law (and can explain to your daughter that you did everything that was safe to enable her dad to be a part of her life)
I am in almost exactly your position dd is younger though. Feel free to pm if you need someone to talk to.

Should NOT be used as a comparison!

PignutSalamander Mon 28-Jan-13 16:22:00

Ps. Try not to care what other people think even ( especially ) mnetters as they are often making snap judgements based on only a snapshot. You are answerable in this only to yours dcs

perceptionreality Mon 28-Jan-13 16:23:15

You should never tell a child bad things about their parent - it will just make her feel bad. Leave her out of it, there will be nothing good to come out of it.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Mon 28-Jan-13 16:52:54

No don't tell her after all she's made up of half his genes and she knows it

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 16:58:34

bloody hell, pignut, your exP sounds crazy !

OP, I think you are making the right decision. There is no good at all can come from facilitating a child's contact with a parent that has physically abused them.

Stop playing Happy Families with this inadequate man.

PignutSalamander Mon 28-Jan-13 17:11:00

Aye he's a loony toon but it all serves to drive home why we are not together! He keeps threatening to take me to court for custody, you've got to laugh!

Op, not all kids are better off with contact. You do have to allow him proper officially supervised access only a court can deny that but from what you've said I suspect he wouldn't bother. That's the dad she's got it's harsh especially since she is going to love him anyway but you do not have to have him in your life. If he's the sort of scum who could hit a child that small your nit doing her any favours by allowing free and easy contact.

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