to close CSA case?

(83 Posts)
BattlingFanjos Sun 27-Jan-13 23:38:12

Because they don't seem to have the first clue of what they're meant to do?

DS was born in the March of 08 and I went to the CSA in the October. Since then he has had three payments of £5 because my ex signed on. He change jobs frequently and is very open about why he does it. When they get too near to pinning him down for payments, he leaves work. He works in an industry where he has plenty of friends, some of who again openly admit they have not sent relevant information to the CSA as "it will get him in shit". I have told the CSA where he's worked for the past three jobs. He's been in his current place since September and they're still waiting for paperwork (wage slips etc) from them. He earns a lot more than i do and pays no rent/council tax/utilities and yet the people who are meant to be the ones pinning him down either just can't be arsed or have no idea how! I asked after 4 years to have it transferred to the legal enforcement team but they feel the need to give him more chances. Now there's talk of them "charging for the service" what fucking service?!
AIBU just to shut the case and forget about it?

McNewPants2013 Sun 27-Jan-13 23:50:03

I would only close the case once the CSA start charging.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 23:53:15

does the stress its causing you. outweigh the need and moral for the money ? I've a ds same age and didn't bother I figured if he doesn't want to contribute that much then I don't want his money. really angry for you though.

MrsMushroom Mon 28-Jan-13 00:02:51

I think parents should be allowed to take people to court for this kind of thing. Can't it be done? I mean..if he owed council tax hed be in prison so they CAN enforce payments when they want to!

BattlingFanjos Mon 28-Jan-13 00:06:21

That's it sparkly despite the fact I'm flogging a dead horse trying to get him to pay anything towards DS, he is a twat and contributes nothing, emotionally nor physically. Do I really want it anyway? It would go straight in DS' trust fund unless there was some big expenditure but I do that monthly anyway. I just really do not see the point in carrying on this charade any longer. He's had £15 in almost 5 years and I feel money grabbing chasing him.

BattlingFanjos Mon 28-Jan-13 00:11:10

According to their website the csa can revoke driving licences, passports and the offending parent can be sent to prison. I am still in the first stage after over 4 years because he is a job-hopper technical term and every time he changes jobs they start all over again. All it would take is for someone to listen when I call them and say "right here's what we can enforce and how, are you happy with that" as it is all I ever hear is I'll pass it to so-and-so on such-and-such team and they'll call you next week, next week never happens with the CSA ha

BattlingFanjos Mon 28-Jan-13 00:14:38

I enjoy went to my MP about them about 3 years ago and they offered me £50 as compensation. Needless to say I didn't take it and told them exactly what I wanted. I think most people who are chasing a non-compliant dickheadparent know how shite the CSA are and its readily accepted by the government/MP's. It boils my blood

sparklyjumper Mon 28-Jan-13 00:22:09

you're not money grabbing at all. your ds deserves a contribution from him. but then he deserves a lot more too. but not at the expense of your health and sanity. sorry for awful typing on phone and only just started using it for mn.

queenofthepirates Mon 28-Jan-13 00:25:41

I think I would be inclined to make a call to your local paper to see if they wished to send over a young enthusiastic reporter to write your story. Name and shame the man.

BattlingFanjos Mon 28-Jan-13 00:28:33

Same here! I don't enjoy going to the MP! Damn phone grin

I guess I just don't want to get it wrong either way, if he pays I feel like he can use that to his advantage and would probably get it touch (which would be awful as DS has no idea who he is) and yet if I don't I feel this crazy, vengeful, braveheart type feeling take over grin

I think I'm just going to close it, as you say it's not worth it when the bad outweighs the good. We managed on next to nothing for a long time and things are definitely looking up financially now so it's not needed as such. Thank you Sparkly

McNewPants2013 Mon 28-Jan-13 00:28:47

could you go to the small claims courts yourself

BattlingFanjos Mon 28-Jan-13 00:31:57

Queen I would LOVE to!!! I have my days of thinking up revenge for him but it would all come out to my DS in later life and bite me on the arse, Jeremy Vile style confused it's crap being the bigger person!!!

BattlingFanjos Mon 28-Jan-13 00:36:10

I haven't looked in to it McNew and tbh I have no idea how it works confused hence using the CSA the bastards

MammaTJ Mon 28-Jan-13 08:35:24

I don't agree with my bastard cheating ExH very often but on the subject of the CSA, I do. His first wife left him for his best friend. He paid her an agreeed amount every week without fail. She lied to the CSA and told them he hadn't and also lied about the fact that she was working. They then did an attachement of earnings order and took a huge amount from his pay each month. He always said thay targeting the decent people with steady jobs as they were easy prey and left the dodging bastrds, the ones they were set up to sort out alone because it's too much like hard work.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 28-Jan-13 09:08:13

In America, you can go to prison for not paying CS, if they did that in this country, the shithead, wankstain, poor excuses for parents, might think twice.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 28-Jan-13 10:27:39

I'm in a similar position OP. DS is 6.5 and over the past six or so years I've chased the CSA numerous times, written to my MP 3 times which escalated my case to the legal enforcement team and the CSA took him to court, tge judge ordered him to start paying off his arrears and I started getting £3.25 per week hmm. They then reassessed him as he had a new employer, ordered him to pay £154 per month which he refused to do. The CSA issued a deduction of earnings order and he promptly left his job. I've had nothing since. They can't even tell me if he's working, claiming benefits or something else (working cash in hand, being 'kept' by a partner).

It's unbelievably stressful constantly having to chase such an inept organisation and I've considered closing my case numerous times. The only thing that makes me carry on is knowing that I didn't magically create DS by myself. He has two parents and both should contribute to his upbringing, not just one. My ex is completely non-compliant and also chose never to be involved in DS's life, both things which piss me off no end. I feel your pain.

BattlingFanjos Mon 28-Jan-13 19:21:20

MammaTJ I could not agree with you more. I know one couple who had a horrendous split and didn't speak to all monies went through the CSA. He paid, she never received it, both could prove this and yet the CSA still chase him for 'arrears'. I also know someone who is in your ExH's situation. It baffles me!!

SoftKitty (Love the name grin ) I am with you on everything you say. I cannot believe its was escalated and STILL put you back at square one. I feel exactly the same about the money, I'm in two minds but its the principle that keeps me fighting for it. I'm not going to leave it here, I just can't. I'm on my high horse and I'm getting off until someone listens! Neither the fact he refused nor he left his job are good enough excusess.

Greg They have the power to enforce this, I just do not know why they don't confused angry

MammaTJ Mon 28-Jan-13 19:31:46

It's ok, he is not in that position any more, the DD in question is 29 in a few days. It was in the early days of the CSA when there were horror stories of people having to pay huge amounts in the papers every day. She thought she would cash in when I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. She thought it would mean we would not be able to afford a baby.

I did go on to have a DD with him. Then he left. We worked out what he should pay without the CSA, a very much reduced amount on a monthly basis but then half of things like clubs and trips and uniform, what we both considered fair.

Our DD now lives with him, against my wishes initially and he has never asked for a penny but I do buy her clothes and pay for things for her, things he doesn't do, so we have anarrangement of sorts (even though he won't speak to me). She has now left full time education and is talking about moving in with her BF as she is nearly 18.

MammaTJ Mon 28-Jan-13 19:33:40

Sorry, I should say he left when she was 8, not immediately.

BattlingFanjos Mon 28-Jan-13 19:46:50

Its good you've managed to work it out without CSA involvement. My ex paid for 2 months when DS was born then stopped and paid nothing for 5 months before I went to the CSA and I was honest about what he'd paid. He then got in touch about a year later and started paying me directly (he said this was because he couldn't afford to pay what they were asking but he actually gave me more hmm ) again this stopped after two months and I went back to the CSA and again I was honest. Maybe if I was a cunt and screwed him for every penny I would be further forward.

That sounds hard with your DD not living with you, hope she finds somewhere nice with her bf smile

MammaTJ Tue 29-Jan-13 02:57:30

Oh it is. It broke my heart when she moved out but we are so close because of it. I have not had to do the get up/tidy your room/do your homework thing for nearly 4 years now, so we have a more fun relationship. She tells me everything <finger in ears, singing la la la la la I'm your mum not your friend> often too much!

mademred Tue 29-Jan-13 07:36:38

I am also chasing the csa for my previous two ex pays £3 a week, out of his benefits, and only for the past 3 yrs, my dd is almost 19, we split when she was 3! And I got nothing for years because he gave his job up.,supposedly, I then learn last yr that he's got his own computer company!! He owes me £14grand, I know I won't get secound ex was paying over £300a month from detachment of earnings, then he lost his job, and moved house, told me he had found a loophole and wasn't paying! So for almost two years I've had nothing for our three kids.i had to drive round and find his address for csa cuz they couldn't be bothered.hes doing cash in hand so little can be done.the legal compliance team have had the case ages.they paid him a visit a while back and gave him forms which he was under legal compliance to fill in.he didn't.i was told by the csa they don't have funding now to chase things up.i was also told he gets huge discount because his new wife has kids, even though she gets money from her ex hubby for them!!! He's even gone as far as putting his vehicle in some one elses name , yet managed to put private plates on it!! Its whether you need the hassel really .i don't, but then we struggle financially whole his bitch wife is lapping it up.

Smellslikecatspee Tue 29-Jan-13 08:26:53

Not in your situation (no DC) but I wouldn't ever see it as money grabbing I see it as you getting the best for your DC.

When I rule the world. . .

these arses would be taken to court, and if someone is seen to leave more than, let's say 3 jobs in 12 months, no consideration should be taken for their self enforced joblessness and they are liable for 15% of their previous wages.(wages for the last 3 years to stop arseholes taking a low paid job deliberately, and for the city types bonuses would be included in this)

That could help stopping these ones who quit each time the CSA catch up with them. And it should be up to them, the non resident parent to contact the CSA, explain their situation and arrange to change the level of payments.

If you're in a situation where you would prefer to have a private agreement, or NRP say works sporadically you would have an agreement lodged with them that they pay X every 6 months, or pays all club fees up to amount of X or all clothes up to X etc. and this agreement is reviewed every 6 months or yearly.

It should be automatic that if 3 payments are missed/ over 5 working days late, in 6 months action is taken. Not always to the detriment of the non resident parent, if they are struggling to pay this could be a trigger to reassess.

Anyone who is out of work must show that they are actively looking, and if they aren't claiming benefits show what they are living on. After all if the tax man/benefits people have these powers why can't the CSA?

All payments should be made through a clearing house, so that there is a level of protection for those with abusive ex's, and run it so that they have to pay on the 1st for example and then the resident parent can access it from the 7th.

Part of the set up of this would be a fund/ pool of money, so that once the agreement was set up the money would always be paid out, if it didn't come in the non payer would owe the government rather than the other parent IYSWIM. This could be funded by 1% of each payment, after all 99% of something is better than 100% of nothing, and stops children going without.

If you as the RP choose/ are in the position to not need this money, it can be 'stored' there with a nominal level of interest that is held, the interest that it until the child is 18.

When anyone applies for a visa/passport etc a check must be made with this clearing house and if there is a history of non payment it should be blocked. If a NRP does want/ need to move abroad an agreement that can be enforced internationally must be in place.

Mmm what else, sorry you can tell I can't sleep and have been thinking about this.

All of this wouldn't be all bad news for NRPs, I personally know of a situation where the NRP, pays for all clothes/ clubs/ holidays as well as giving 20% of their monthly wage and has the child for all of the school holidays at the RPs insistence but the 20% is still paid.

However the child is been told that Daddy pays nothing and Mummy has to go without. If the above was in place the NRP could 'prove' otherwise, admittedly this is an unusual situation I have seen plenty of situations where the NRP is fab because they buy big OTT presents and the RP is the meanie, where the truth is the RP is struggling to keep food in the child's mouth and a roof over thier heads and the fab NRP doesn't contribute a penny.

I feel as a society we need to stop shaming and disempower ing RPs who need help and shame NRPs, and those who help them avoid thier responsibilitys

If this was in place and running, and it was a government agency who was doing the chasing hopefully eventually it would stop this notion that it is vengeful ex's out to rob the poor hardworking NRP.
It would also help those with the abusive ex's, you know those who see themselves as pillars of society and make their ex's out to be mad and bad, they can't lie and claim they're paying over the odds if the government is chasing them for nonpayment.

Sorry this has turned in to a rant hasn't it, and neither I or OH have DC. . .i guess I feel more strongly about it than I realised.

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 09:45:33

Smells Could I have an exact date that you take over the world...perlease? grin there are far too many people who abuse the system both RPs and NRPs. I stopped mu claim with the CSS so that he could just pay us directly (I asked for £50 a month and felt greedy) and he sent far more than the CSA were asking for to my bank. People are odd! The way I see it, regardless of what I think of my ex, my DS is half of him and anything negative I say about his 'dad' is in effect slagging off my DS. I couldn't do what that Mum did, why would you to your children? As i say, people are odd lol.

MammaTJ I'm glad its worked out for the best. My mum says she can have that relationship with my DS, the one she missed out on with us in the teenage years! grin haha! Yep, just close your eyes and smile grin.

Update: I complained via the website last night and have just received a telephone call from a manager in Newcastle (I have been dealing with Falkirk). Case has been passed to complex team and they are reviewing it this week and there is now only one person working on the case! grin. I am told to expect an update on Friday. We'll see, not holding my breath on this one.

Made it really is ridiculous isn't it? It just seems so easy for people to either get away with it or lie about it.

Smellslikecatspee Tue 29-Jan-13 09:58:26

BF you're top of my list, though seriously if it was all standard like I said wouldnt it save money?? No one would need to be chasing anyone else.

Just a 'you haven't paid you've been warned (lets say 2 warning letters) you haven't been in touch to explain, therefore you're nicked matey.'

No one could claim they didnt know/understand, so much easier.

ConferencePear Tue 29-Jan-13 10:00:40

I think this is the third thread we've had on this in the last few days. Perhaps it's time that Mumsnet launched a campaign to get something done about it.
I've come to the conclusion that the best thing to do with the CSA s to close it down because it can only deal with the NRP who are are at least halfway decent and in steady employment.
Reading other people's posts it's clear that many thousands of pounds are owed which will never be paid.

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 10:04:38

I know, I know. I couldn't agree more. All it takes is a little logic and organisation. I just do not understand why they go around the houses and nothing get done and how they can justify it. I never will. All I ever hear from them is how short staffed they are but they wouldn't be if the majority of the staff weren't on wild goose chases, wasting time and money. I've found a way I can personally take him to court so have messaged him telling him I will (which means he will also pay the court fees) if he doesn't get in touch with the CSA or comply. Doubt it will change but he can't say he hasn't had fair warning.

ConferencePear Tue 29-Jan-13 10:14:26

I wish you luck BattlingFanjos, but I won't hold my breath.
If you succeed I hope you'll post on here.

wannabedreams Tue 29-Jan-13 10:26:13

I know several cases of single parents (through the fault of the OH not theirs) who are going through the csa and receive rarely more than a few quid as the OH are changing jobs / self employed / claiming they are not working.
I don't understand why nothing is done, and furthermore I don't understand in cases where the OH insists on access why it should be given when they don't contribute financially a reasonable amount on a regular basis?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 29-Jan-13 11:41:41

Wannabe it's because maintenance and access aren't linked. As you can see from some of the posts on this thread, people lie about whether they are paying/receiving maintenance so it wouldn't be fair to link the two.

Battling I didn't realise you can complain via the website! Would you mind linking please, as I can't seem to find it. Will have another look shortly. I'm currently putting together a letter to complain to them about gross maladministration and other things, but it's difficult because I have so much I want to say and loads of examples that it's hard to put it into words in a succinct manner. I also didn't realise that you can personally take the ex to court (not that I can afford to do that anyway). Can you only do that if you were married? I wasn't, and as far as I'm aware I can only try to claim maintenance via the CSA and not via court/solicitor. I don't even know where my ex lives, so it'd be difficult to contact him anyway.

Smells you need to go into politics!

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 29-Jan-13 12:00:25

I'd keep it open, he can't run forever surely and you don't actually have to do much apart from the odd phonecall to see if they've got anything out of him yet. You can only get backdated money too for as long as a claim has been open. When the charges come into force then I'd close the case but not before.

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 12:32:18

Catching its me that has found his address and work place everytime except once when they actually did their job so in essence I am actually doing all the running. first time I've linked anything so hope it works.

Also found if its any help. Might be worthwhile having a look, I read somewhere hmm that you can. We weren't married either. Might be wrong, but the threat might always help things along as he won't find out if its true or not grin

Send a complaint in, they should reply within 15 days if not get in touch with your MP, still no joy keep going until they listen. Its the only thing I've found that works but this is my third complaint (!) good luck Soft

And my vote goes to smells

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 12:34:31

Also wannabe I don't agree with no access because that just punishes the child more "he/she won't pay so they can't see baby x" "well I can't see baby x so I won't pay" its the children that ultimately lose out sad although this doesn't apply to me as my ex has no contact anyway

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 29-Jan-13 12:38:36

Yes but you don't have to. You can still keep the claim open and just stop doing all the running around.

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 12:53:16

But then I'm back to my first point which is nothing gets done, so what use is the of the Child Support Agency on a whole if they don't do what they intend. I completely understand your point, the whole thing just infuriates me.

Conference yes I will post what happens. I'm not holding out much hope but stranger things have happened.

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 29-Jan-13 12:58:57

The CSA have never been able to find my ex's workplace or address either so I can sympathise. I've always had to hunt for it myself (luckily he posts it all over fb and has no privacy settings), but if I was fed up of chasing I would just stop and let them do it themselves, rather than closing the case just incase they manage to do their jobs properly and so DS would still be entitled to the backdated money.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 29-Jan-13 12:59:31

Catching if you don't do the running around, your case goes to the bottom of the pile and gets forgotten about. Trust me, you have to chase them. bug them, irritate them and keep on their case (so to speak) otherwise it goes nowhere. Come to think of it, it goes nowhere anyway hmm.

Thanks for the links Battling I'll take a look this afternoon/evening. I've already written to my MP three times, this was back in 2007/8 though but if I need to I'll do it again. I would be happy if they just paid me what is owed, then chased him to get it back. He owes over £6k which I know isn't much when compared to others, but I'm utterly skint and really need that money to help raise DS.

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 29-Jan-13 13:01:26

Yes but in a few years if you do decide to check where he's working and let them know then that's a few years worth of money added rather than just nothing.

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 29-Jan-13 13:03:22

And CSA still has to be paid if a child is under 21 (I think 21?) and in full time education so if DS wanted to go digging when he's 16 - 21 then he would still be entitled to all the backdated money.

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 13:10:30

I also think the more arrears the NRP owes the less chance of you getting it. I don't even think they know how much my ex owes because of all the reassessing and changing jobs. I sincerely doubt my DS will see any of this money. I have no faith in the system, none at all.

I know im contradicting myself catching I am just bitching while trying yo find a way round it.

soft thats why I agree with smells idea to pay the RPs then the NRPs owe them. They would be a hell of a lot quicker to get the money then! I want to go in and say "Right! Its not working, everyone stop. Here's what we're going to do" in my best mum voice! grin

Let me know how you get on soft good luck!

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 17:23:04

Have just received another call from CSA. They've contacted my ex and his employer! Hmmm all since the complaint last night!

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 29-Jan-13 17:32:03

I'll keep my fingers crossed that you see some money soon then battling.

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 18:29:13

Thank you smile its not about the money anymore its the fact that he just does not care, in the slightest.

RedHelenB Tue 29-Jan-13 18:40:36

Personally I think fathers that dodge the system they should be charged with neglect. If the RPs didn't spend any money on their children they would be deemed to be neglectful & face court etc.

MrsTomHardy Tue 29-Jan-13 18:41:48

Keep on at them Battling.
I know exactly how you feel as I'm going through this right now.

They can take him to court once he has arrears of £500....or so I was told last Thursday!
They do have powers but its wether they choose to use them angry

They keep phoning my xp and he puts the phone down on them time and time again....when I keep asking what they r going to do next then all I get is "oh he might ring back, we'll give him a couple of days" aargh angry

But now they have finally got round to sending a warning letter....the shit is already hitting the fan wink

It's not money grabbing, it's money that our DC have the right's not my DC's problem XP keeps have children when he can't afford it.....

I could rant on for hours about this subject but I won't bore you all..

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 29-Jan-13 18:59:03

It's not money grabbing, it's money that our DC have the right too

Absolutely, and about fathers taking some financial responsibility for the children they've created.

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 19:26:20

Red you're right. Its completely neglectful. I have always said how does my ex know that I am looking after DS well. That he is looked after, fed, loved and encouraged. This is just another way of him showing he doesn't give a flying.

Mrs I didn't know that about the arrears. His will be WELL over £500 angry Glad they've moved it forward forward for you (albeit not much angry ) this is the first time I have seen the productive side of the CSA wonder if they have a MN spy so fingers crossed it continues!! Rant away m'dear! I'm always up for a good CSA bashing grin

MrsTomHardy Tue 29-Jan-13 20:19:28

Don't temp me, grin

The Csa are shite, every time I phone (and believe me it's every day this month) I speak to a different person who tells me something different, it's soooooo annoying!!

I keep a book now and I log everything, even the persons name, time, date etc....they contradict themselves all the bloody time! And some of them have no sense of humour grin

They can't do a deductions of earnings on XP as self employed....he won't send in wage slips (he works for a company), he won't talk to them or pay up....and it's not just for my DS, it's for 2 dc's....he owes hundreds.........but he is a knob, always was (I was too blind to see) and always will be....

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 20:31:27

Oooh I'm getting me a CSA black book! grin I write bits and bobs and have kept all letters (ridiculous amount of duplicates!) same here re talking to different people, this is the first time that I have gotten a name for one person dealing with it. I know its only because I complained again though which is crap.
I have a feeling they've only managed to speak to him because I messaged him last night threatening court action if he didn't get in touch. grin
I get EVERYTHING you're saying. There are enough of us kicking off about it, but what the bloody hell can you do to change it? Besides what we're doing now obviously

MrsTomHardy Tue 29-Jan-13 20:41:26

I dread to think what my phone bill will be at end if the month but if you don't keep on at them then nothing gets done!

With my xh case, we've been with Csa for about 9 years and believe me they have been a total pain in the arse in that time...he doesn't seen dc's at all, his choice, he pays £12 a week for 2 kids and every bloody month I have to phone Csa as my money goes into a secondary account and just sits there!!!!!!! It then takes 7 days from when I phone to get if into my bank, so that's 7 days longer than it should take.....all because its a penny out or he pays on a different day angry

MrsTomHardy Tue 29-Jan-13 20:41:47

And mines a pink book grin

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 20:50:47

You're phone bill is going to be horrendous! Have you seen the email page? I've sent a few to them and get a call back. Will try find it and link for you. They've never not responded after an email and its cheaper! That really does sound so frustrating!! Why can't they just send what he sends? Yes he should pay his stupidly small amount of money ( angry ) but if he's being a prick and pissing about with it why aren't they just sending what they have?

I treated myself to a notebook from WHSmith in the sale stationary fetish at its best might be time to put it to good use! grin

BattlingFanjos Tue 29-Jan-13 21:23:37
I cannot find the page I used for the life of me. But have found the email address grin

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 29-Jan-13 21:32:31

I think when you ring them you can ask them to ring you back immediately, although I've never tried it myself because once I've got through and gone through security, I don't want to run the risk of them not calling back.

MrsTomHardy Tue 29-Jan-13 21:37:36

They never ever ring me back when they say they will sad

Thanks for email

BattlingFanjos Wed 30-Jan-13 08:18:57

Whenever I've been told they will call back "Thursday, next week, with any new developments" they never do (first time yesterday) but for some reason they do with the emails hmm

ConferencePear Wed 30-Jan-13 09:06:57

I think that over time the person wanting the money becomes the problem. You are the one who rings up and requests/demands some action and so you, the claimant, are the nuisance rather than the non-paying NRP.

Guccidayoneday Wed 30-Jan-13 14:03:59

I gave up, simple as that really. Ex husband split when my child was aged 2 (now 13), he initially paid the agreed the amount (sorted with divorce) but over time and when new gf arrived payments stopped and started (excuses were they were going on holiday, needed a brand new car). When he remarried he stopped any contact with my child, so he abandoned him in every way possible, leaving me to pick up the pieces. Years later of no contact at all, he owes thousands to me in child support, I did end up getting to court, with the mind set to get what we were owed. However after speaking to his solicitor (whom he was paying to get out of paying to keep his child, I decided in a split second that this person is a greedy, spiteful, crurl vile prick and after having £0 off him for years, I didn't want a penny of it now. My child had wanted to change his surname to that of his step dad (dad to him since he was 4), but as I was married to my ex husband my child couldn't change his surname without his biological fathers permission (fucking amazing since he hadn't had any contact with my child for nearly 10 years), knowing the ex was a vile pig that only cared about ££££££££££ for the price of his arrears (approximately 13K) he would sign a piece of paper giving permission for the name change. All went in front of the judge who asked me if I understood what I was giving up, I said yes although I'm not well off, this gets my child some closure from this "man". Some people think I was mad (probably was) but ex proved exactly what he is scum.

BattlingFanjos Wed 30-Jan-13 14:28:31

I don't think you're mad Gucci what a horrible man sad I completely understand breakdowns in relationships and communication buy why take it out on the children?! I could never do any of that to my son, I'm sure you're the same. Realistically, you wouldn't have got 13k in your hand there and then for your DS. It would have been in dribs and drabs and it wouldn't have made much difference to you but would have meant more stress, anxiety to you and your son. I'm so glad your son has managed yo change his name. Stories like this and knowing I will have to face facts DS will ask questions just breaks my heart sad

Guccidayoneday Wed 30-Jan-13 14:36:28

Yes as my son got older he would on occasion ask questions, why didn't his biological dad want him, did he do something naughty as a little child, I've shed many tears of hurt and anger but mostly over the hurt my son has had to deal with. Now at 13, he is a very well adjusted child (has the usual cheeky teenage moments, ha ha) but considering he has had to deal with total rejection from his bio father AND I might add his fathers parents (they dumped my son too) he is a fantastic boy whom I am so very very proud. I know my son will never grow into a man anything like his bio father and that is worth a billion pounds.

Guccidayoneday Wed 30-Jan-13 14:43:37

Your son is very young Fanjos, at that age my son asked nothing and adjusted to no contact very quickly. My only advice is when he does ask questions just tell him as honestly as you can in relation to his age and his understanding. Over the years my son and I have had various conversations and now at 13 my son calls him "the wanker ", and normally any swearing I would be telling him off, in this instance I just can't cause that's exactly what he is. As long as your always your sons "constant and always" your boy will be fine. X

BattlingFanjos Wed 30-Jan-13 17:18:57

Having been through something similar myself, I know all too well the feelings and emotions your son will have been through and still have to come. It really must have been so fucking hard for you to have to sit and hear it from him sad no child should ever have to deal with it. has helped me in my adult life to make much more informed decisions where my family and friends are concerned. I learnt very early that I can make choices in my life, just as my dad did, I just know which are right ones (plus the fact my mum is a diamond!). Sounds like you've done a cracking job on your own (w/stepdad). You've obviously raised a secure and well adjusted boy (young man? Lol) and what you have done for him will stand him in good stead for life! I'm taking all the advice I can to store away for future reference ha I'm sure I'm gonna need it!

BattlingFanjos Wed 30-Jan-13 17:23:05

Btw him asking if he did something naughty as a child is just horrific! sad Given me a lump in my throat and I'm no softy! They really don't see the damage they cause when they walk away do they?

Guccidayoneday Wed 30-Jan-13 17:55:41

Oh Fanjo when he said that it took all my strength to not just burst into tears myself, but I managed not too (until he was tucked up in bed, if i remember i drank a good few glasses of wine that night) but I do remember in my 40 years (darn turning 40 this year, I'm sulking a bit, ha ha) it was one of the very saddest moments if my life. myself and my son have been lucky to find a amazing man that literally has loved my son as his own, and has never once treated him any different to the two daughters that we had to complete our happy (if not a bit mental) family.

BattlingFanjos Wed 30-Jan-13 22:57:09

I bet it did. It would take a very cold hearted person not to get upset at that sad haha don't be sulking its a good reason for a party and LOTS of presents! grin. Aw lovely! I like mental families, i think my mis-match family fits into that category grin it's nice to hear it can work out. It's just me and my boy for now and I doubt very much there will be another 'dad' in his life. But we have a crazy, happy, extended family and we're all really close so we're never really alone smile

BattlingFanjos Wed 30-Jan-13 23:00:31

I wanted to say it sounds like you're all very lucky. Your son for having such a good mum to guide him through all the crap. You for having such a lovely son but you know what? Sounds like you've worked hard to get where you are and I have no doubt at times it's been bloody hard, so I don't think it is luck. Sounds like you deserve it

DrCoconut Thu 31-Jan-13 00:17:06

I don't claim anything from my ex. He was abusive and we're fine without him. The peace of mind that comes from him not being involved (his choice I should add) is worth every penny of the £5 a week that we forgo. Even if he had a job I wouldn't pursue it. The hassle is not worth it.

MrsTomHardy Thu 31-Jan-13 07:57:56

Well someone has received his warning letter......que begging text asking to cancel Csa as he can't afford it and if I don't agree he'll give up work.......grin

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 31-Jan-13 08:09:08

I have a friend who has never received anything via the csa despite her ex owing large sums to them her dc is 17 She's now wanting to sell her house yet when she does is not even allowed to deduct the maintainance she is owed from the sum she has to pay him from the sale.

Its madness.

Guccidayoneday Thu 31-Jan-13 09:22:03

Thank you Fanjo it's been a difficult ride at times but we got through it and you will to.

Coconut I'm with you all the way.

BattlingFanjos Thu 31-Jan-13 09:31:17

Eurgh Mrs Surprised? grin what a joke! Maybe if he'd have sorted it out sooner you'd have been able to come to an agreement!

Dr When someone is abusive I think that no contact even money is best for some people. My ex wasn't/isn't abusive. He is pathetic actually, he lies constantly and ALWAYS has some elaborate excuse for why he hasn't paid. When he had contact he would frequently not turn up, these included; having cancer, in hospital after a psychological breakdown, his father dying, he was homeless. All lies.

Sock that is horrendous! Is there no way she can get round it? I never thought about things like that. There is no way he should have the full amount when he hasnt paid for his daughter!

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 31-Jan-13 09:42:00

I'm just about to phone CSA and chase up ex's missing payment. Every month he's late or doesn't pay yet they still haven't just contacted his employer. Wish me luck!

BattlingFanjos Thu 31-Jan-13 09:55:43

Good luck Catching!!! Give em hell! Xx

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 31-Jan-13 10:04:58

Went better than I expected. He's ignored all their warning letters so they're going to contact his employer and ring me back when there's an update. Now I just hope he doesn't do his usual - quit as soon as they try and take it straight from his wages.

He only pays the minimum fgs, he probably spends more on beer every month than CSA payments.

BattlingFanjos Thu 31-Jan-13 10:25:28

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! You're right he probably does....hmm he should just pay! Surely its not worth the hassle. I know my ex is running out of jobs to walk into, we met in the industry he works now and i still talk to a lot of people so I know its not going to be long before he is out of a job full stop.

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 31-Jan-13 10:49:24

Thanks. I'm counting on ex running out of jobs to leave too.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 31-Jan-13 13:19:31

The differculties are is the court order for the money from the house is already in place.

But the money he owes is considered to be owed to the csa as opposed to her so she can't just go get a ccj.

Its beyond a joke, he's always been employed but a job hopper and since the dc was 1 when he left nothing has been paid but she still has to pay him 60k he owes her about 20k.

I'm desperately trying to get her some help but nobody knows what to do, she thinks its only right that she should pay I'm but she should be able to deduct the sum he owes her from what she has to hand over.

BattlingFanjos Thu 31-Jan-13 14:28:49

The csa are just a middle man so how can it be that he owes them not her and his child. How ridiculous!! I hope she can get round it somehow sad what would happened if she just sent 40k and kept the 20? Or am I just being really daft hmm grin

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 31-Jan-13 19:49:44

Its because the CSA is responsible for both deciding the amount and enforcing payment so you can't enforce it yourself.

Doing that is also my idea but as soon as she sells it he will get informed and I expect he will go racing to court to enforce his order

BattlingFanjos Thu 31-Jan-13 22:21:37

He sounds like a lovely guy hmm what an absolute prick! This whole things just seriously makes me fucking furious. Every single person that enables the csa and government/law to carrying on screwing over good people, be it RPs or NRPs, can go fuck spiders. Cunts the lot of 'em angry

BattlingFanjos Sat 02-Feb-13 23:27:15

Spoke to CSA yesterday (THEY actually called me again! Its like a parallel universe!). Again just to say that they had spoken to exp and his employers and issued a warning to send in the wage slips and whatever else info they need. She expects them to arrive either yesterday (she left early) or Monday. Interestingly she told me that if they do not arrive she can take the details from him over the phone as "things have changed and we really need to move forward on this" not sure what's going on in the department but something is giving them a kick up the arse!

MrsTomHardy Sat 02-Feb-13 23:33:13

Good news Battling.

Interestingly my XP has been in contact with Csa and set up payments again...the warning letter obv did the trick grin

BattlingFanjos Sun 03-Feb-13 11:14:23

Yay! Hopefully he'll stick to it! Got my fingers crossed for you! grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now