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To have second child to please DH and so Dd won't be alone

(40 Posts)
Babybirdz Sun 27-Jan-13 22:38:23

The title days it all really. I do not want a second child. My Dd was a very easy going/ happy/ easy child but I have no urge or desire for a second. I had severe post natal depression (my upbringing had a lot to do with this)
DH had the snip last year as we both agreed at the time no more. Deep down I always knew the descision was rushed so that he wouldn't have time to think through the consequences.

Dd is at school now and I feel as though I have my life back, lots of free time to enjoy things. My upbringing was really strict, I was essentially imprisoned ( minus school) and a slave for my mother to cook and clean So have only experienced freedom now. I can choose to do activities and persue interests now. I'm a sahm

DH main argument is that he doesn't want Dd to be alone in the world after we are gone. I know life has no guarantees but he is from a large family who are close. I on the other hand am not particularly close to my family. If we were to go ahead, it would mean Ivf or a vasectomy reversal. The thought of spending that amount of money for something I don't even want saddens me.

WorraLiberty England Sun 27-Jan-13 22:40:31

You would be unreasonable - yes.

I do feel for your DH though if he rushed into his vasectomy...what was his reason for doing that?

But no-one should plan to have a baby unless they're totally sure they want one.

And there's no guarantee your DD will even get along with a sibling.

McNewPants2013 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:42:22

Yabu, have a child because it something you really want.

diddl Germany Sun 27-Jan-13 22:43:29

Don´t do it!

Your husband has had a vasectomy!

Why on earth did he do that if there was a possibility of him wanting another??

Babybirdz Sun 27-Jan-13 22:44:17

DH is not pressurising me as such. He dies say I will regret it in the future. Looking back I wish had a 2 children close together but was not in the fit mental state to do so. I am starting to feel guilty about Dd growing up alone without a sibling as all her cousins / friends have siblings.

Babybirdz Sun 27-Jan-13 22:48:30

DH has told me he had it done as I would no longer have to rely on the pill. The main argument being the risk of blood cots etc. other methods of contraception didn't work for us like the coil. He said he did it because he loves me and he knows that's what I wanted.I always knew he wanted a sibling for Dd. He did also say this proved my happiness was really important to him.

DD is currently an only and may well stay an only. I felt sad at one point that her children may not have cousins, but then I realised that if she gets to that point,her DH may well come from a larger family. Have met plenty of very happy onlies, I have also met people who don't get on with their siblings. Nothing in guaranteed.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 27-Jan-13 22:54:38

I can completely understand your DH's point of view, I suppose it is true to say that alot of people feel like this but I think your reasons are completely valid too.

From what you have said I think it would be incredibly hard for you to have a 2nd baby and I don't believe you should "force" yourself to do so.

My Dd was is an only. I used to worry terribly about that but was unable to have a 2nd. I don't worry at all now. She is a really happy girl, surrounded by lovely family and friends. She has 2 happy parents, a cosy home and we have plenty of time to spend with her. She has a great life. Don't worry about your DS.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 27-Jan-13 22:55:06

That was meant to say DD is an only.

EarlyMorningBaconDemon Sun 27-Jan-13 22:59:58

This has been quite a large talking point on Mumsnet over the last few days, and it's one of the few things that I think everyone agrees on.

If one person doesn't want another child, then end of story. You can't make someone have another baby.

I think it would be even worse all-round if you were to have another child simply because your DH wanted another. You're the one who would have to carry it for 9 months, give birth, breastfeed, get up in the night... it would lead to some serious resentment one way or another. And if it were to ignite a fresh bout of post-natal depression then I think it would be a very poor idea unless you were 100% sure of everything you wanted.

You can always fill your extra time with doing things as a family, spending the money that would have gone on a newborn on things like music lessons, saving up for a holiday, hobbies, activities and other things.

Really hope I helped.

Babybirdz Sun 27-Jan-13 23:01:51

Cherries- that's so kind of you. Glad someone feels my reasons are valid and not purely selfish. I do ensure Dd has plenty of playmates at the weekend and the holidays. She's a very sociable child,

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 27-Jan-13 23:05:00

I can't help but feel very sorry for your dh who rushed into a vasectomy for you and that he won't have another child when he wants one.

Babybirdz Sun 27-Jan-13 23:05:10

Early morning- I have been worried about possibly resenting the child if i was to loose my freedom. My life's the most relaxed it's ever been after a shit childhood/ teenage years. I just don't want to change the dynamics.

caroljackson Sun 27-Jan-13 23:05:21

DS is an only. I am a sahm and DS is at secondary now, so like you I have a lot of free time to pursue my own studies and interests. I also had mh issues and the best treatment for me has been to have time to myself so life is not too stressful, and being able to do things I enjoy. I decided long ago that having a second wouldn't be the right thing for our family, because of that and various other reasons.

DS is well-adjusted and happy. When he visits his cousins he often comments on sibling fights and says he's glad he's never had to deal with any of that. I don't worry that he will feel lonely in the future as he's a sociable boy and will always have a lot of close friends to support him, as well as contact with my sisters and his cousins.

Vasectomy reversals aren't always successful anyway, and IVF has quite a low success rate, so even if you chose to try for another, you have to face the fact that it might not be possible and your Dd may remain an only child.

Monty27 Sun 27-Jan-13 23:05:29

Sounds like she'll have lots of cousins too on dp's side.

You'll resent that child, don't do it.

WorraLiberty England Sun 27-Jan-13 23:08:14

I do feel sorry for your DH and I'm sure you do too

But perhaps he's just having a 'broody wobble' and it'll pass eventually?

Babybirdz Sun 27-Jan-13 23:14:23

Worra- nope he's not broody just being practical!! I'm a bitch for talking him into it. He didn't speak up against the vasectomy when he had the procedure but I know he did it just to please me. I love himso much and he's a good, kind hearted guy who has shown me what real love and happiness is. He's not even pressurising me but will make comments here and there about a second child.
Part of me wants a second child just for him as I know it would make him so happy,

Babybirdz Sun 27-Jan-13 23:16:35

I hate the thought of starting again from scratch, raising a child, constantly worrying about them, the toddler years!

Cherriesarelovely Sun 27-Jan-13 23:23:48

I also had bad PND with Dd and that was one of the reasons it took me so long to even wanting to try for another. Anyway, it didn't work out and for ages I felt unhappy about it. Oddly though, I never planned to have more than 1 in the first place.

Now we are through that though we both feel (and Dd does too 90% of the time!) that our life is great as a 3. We have a gorgeous dog and we are happy in our jobs (me part time, DP full time) and like your Dd ours is very mellow and easy to be around. I worry that if I had been able to conceive again the PND would have come back and I wouldn't have been able to be the mum I am now if you see what are mean. Our lives are really good. It's how it is and we are fine with it. I really feel for you both though, it is a very difficult situation.

brummiegirl1 Sun 27-Jan-13 23:24:28

I'm an only child and hated it but my husband is from 1 of 5 and he is not close to any of his siblings and doesn't really have a relationship with them, i have seen the problems he has had with his siblings and think myself lucky!

I think from the point of view of being an only child i always had a fantaasy of what having siblings was like and never saw the negatives, but it is true that if you went on to have another child there would be no guarentee that they would be close or even get on at all so i wouldn't have another child if it was for just that reason.

It is hard if one of you wants one thing and the other does not and i completely understand not wanting to risk PND again, i think i had that after the birth of both my boys and i felt absolutely awful and although i would like another baby in the future it is definately something that stays at the back of your mind.

Hope you can work something out.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 27-Jan-13 23:26:29

There's nothing at all "selfish" about not wanting another child.

EarlyMorningBaconDemon Sun 27-Jan-13 23:27:33

BabyBirdz - I had bad PND as well, turned into Post-Natal Psychosis, and DH, although he wants more children, has turned around and happily said he's wait for me to be ready mentally. I'm fine now - off the tablets, but I've still got some pretty deep scars.

For what it's worth, my mother had me at 17 and has resented me every single day of my life for "ruining her life". We barely talk. Resentment and hatred are powerful things that aren't easily expunged. I think you're being very sensible, and who's to say that in the future you wouldn't be agreeable to another baby, or even fostering/adoption?

Without being too callous, could I suggest a pet? If he has love to give, then maybe a very affectionate dog could serve as a substitute?

Babybirdz Sun 27-Jan-13 23:29:19

FWIW I'm the one who brings up this issue more than DH. I try to convince myself I want to go for it then he DH gets all excited. That's when reality hits me and I get scared.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 27-Jan-13 23:30:28

EarlyMorning that is a VERY good idea. DP treats our dog like another child and even refers to her as Dds fluffy sister! It is quite similar in many ways to having a child. I'm really not being flippant, there are many similarities!

LibraryMum8 Sun 27-Jan-13 23:33:25

It would not be a good idea, IMO. You might grow to love a new baby but maybe not. I would never put a baby in that position. Siblings aren't guaranteed either, they might get along we'll or horribly.

I have an only not by choice, but if I didn't want another I'd be doing some serious talking to dh. I don't think it was the fairest thing to rush dh's decision...but understand the situation.

IMO don't do it.

EarlyMorningBaconDemon Sun 27-Jan-13 23:34:07

OK you need to stop convincing yourself. That's just going to build his hopes and then trash them. There's only so much he can take!

Reality is a very terrifying thing, and I'd honestly say that there is absolutely no rush.

Write down everything that you feel, doesn't matter how long it is, and then seal it and put it somewhere. Time capsule, back of a drawer, whatever. Figure out a way to notify yourself after a year, and go back to it. If you still have the same reservations, then it isn't for you. If on the other hand you've moved on from where you are now and the situation has changed to where you'd feel more positive about a baby, then go for it.

brummiegirl1 Sun 27-Jan-13 23:39:11

Just to add to the point you made about your hubby not wanting your daughter to be alone in the world after you are gone.

I lost my dad 18 months ago and felt like this ( i still haave my mom though) but the reality is i have my children and husband so not alone at all and she will have memories of growing up with you both.

LibraryMum8 Sun 27-Jan-13 23:44:12

Sorry, just read the posts where you said he isn't pressuring you. That's good. IMO the fairest thing is stop talking about it then. Don't get his hopes up. If you are 110 percent sure you are done, tell him. Surely he knew what you went through PPD? Remind him how awful it was he brings it up.

There is nothing selfish about choosing to have only one. Confidentially, even though I can't have another (had 2 mc's and now in menopause) honestly I'm glad it worked out the way it did. I'm high strung and think I would have been a bitchy mother of 2.

Babybirdz Mon 28-Jan-13 00:00:13

I hear you all. Yes it's wrong if me to bring it up.Ive realised I am trying to convince myself to go ahead with this, which is why I'm bringing it up even when he's not.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 28-Jan-13 00:14:15

There is no guarantee siblings will be close when they are adults. People grow up, meet people,settle down and have their own families. I only know one set if adult siblings who are close.

Babybirdz Mon 28-Jan-13 00:19:34

I should also mention I do suffer from low self- esteem and a little anxiety. It is something I'm working on. My last thread goes in depth with it. I love the idea of having two children, it's just the practicalities/ depression/ freedom worry.

I have a brother. I barely see him and he isn't any support to me. Not a bad person, we just aren't close. I am close with my cousin, though. You can't engineer your family to behave like you want it to. I know people who resent their sibling, hate their sibling, never see their sibling.

I really think you need to do a lot more work on yourself before you even think about this issue. I don't know if you know what you want. You want to make DH happy, he wants to make you happy, you are both unsure of what you want. Love your DH and DD and leave this decision until you feel more secure.

DD is going to be an only. I want another, DH doesn't. As others have said, the partner who doesn't want one trumps the one who does.

Illgetmegoat Mon 28-Jan-13 01:38:32

I agree with PPs - stop mentioning it and trying to convince yourself by seeing his happiness as that is actually quite cruel, although of course you aren't being cruel but trying to make him happy, it is better to take some time away from this I think.

There is more to consider - realities of life are often complicated - as well as PPs saying they have siblings they are estranged from my only sibling died when he was a child.
One of my children is severely disabled, this means that my other children have suffered in time and attention compared to what may have been had this not been the case. They love their brother and their understanding brings me to tears sometimes but, although we are all happy and they know they are important and loved, life is DS centric.

I think you have had some excellent advice regarding a path forward and I hope it helps you to find a way forward together. I hope you can keep progressing with your health after your PND and working on your self image and esteem - it is very hard work sometimes, but very much worth it when you come out the other side feeling good aboout yourself for the first time. Things are not yet set in stone and you can always revisit this later; I don't see why you can't take a while to let things settle, have a rest and enjoy you time without guilt. It is too much of a fundamental life change to make your DH happy with another person contingent on so many 'what if's' - who knows what will change though if you feel as you do in your last post.

cory Mon 28-Jan-13 08:12:10

It sounds like your dh made an impulsive decision (the vasectomy) to please you and is now regretting it.

Difficult to see that the right solution would be for you to make an impulsive decision to please him. hmm

greenfolder Mon 28-Jan-13 08:35:33

Your dd will not be alone- it is likely that she will have a partner and possibly kids of her own before you die. You have married into a big family- so she has aunts, uncles and cousins.

i had 2 close together really for the reasons you say- they never played togehter once during childhood and seem to hate each other as teenagers. I have a little one of 5 who would like a sibling- its a plain no to that!

you know you dont want another child- make peace with that and your husband needs to make peace with it too.

Tailtwister Mon 28-Jan-13 08:43:18

No OP, I don't think you should have another child for those reasons. If wouldn't be fair on anyone and as you have said, you are really finding yourself now after a difficult start in life.

I second the suggestion of a pet, but think that through carefully too. If you're a SAHM you'll be doing the majority of the day to day work and it might limit your activities. That said, it's a better idea than having a second child.

Tailtwister Mon 28-Jan-13 08:44:57

Also, I really wouldn't worry about your dd being an only child. There are many, many advantages to having no siblings and like others have said, there's no guarantee they would get on even if you had another.

Babybirdz Mon 28-Jan-13 18:13:16

Don't think I've explained fully how DH isn't putting pressure on me, but I'm feeling guilty and putting it on myself! I've often trolled through mumsnet and read about positives of having one child. I love the dynamics of my family the way it is. I think I need to get over it and not dwell on what could have been. I often think I would have liked 2 children close together but I was not in the right mental state to consider it. Have other who have experienced PND with their first child experienced it with their second. DH said I would definitely not get it again as I'd be more aware of my emotions. But there's no guarantee is there. We almost split up before I got diagnosed due to my behaviour caused by PND.

Monty27 Tue 29-Jan-13 00:05:33

<repeats self>

Do not have a child that you don't want. sad

LibraryMum8 Tue 29-Jan-13 04:37:19

Your dh said you would definitely not get it again?? I'm sorry but that just doesn't hold up for me. How can he possibly know? Honestly, I think you are grieving sad. I went though a very long grief period - 8 years.

When I went into menopause at 39, and realized that was it for us...and felt guilty because that's what I really only wanted for Me...one. For ds, for society, etc. I wanted another although I was scared to death because ds was very very easy, I knew I wasn't going to get off that easy again. Then I felt guilty. Round and round I went on this. It was a form of grief.

I still have twinges of wanting a sib for ds, but at this point it would be like having 2 only children they would be 12 years apart!! If it were even possible, that is. It's still hard, but like I said confidentially this is what I really want.

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