Mumsnet Talk

The title days it all really. I do not want a second child. My Dd was a very easy going/ happy/ easy child but I have no urge or desire for a second. I had severe post natal depression (my upbringing had a lot to do with this)
DH had the snip last year as we both agreed at the time no more. Deep down I always knew the descision was rushed so that he wouldn't have time to think through the consequences.

Dd is at school now and I feel as though I have my life back, lots of free time to enjoy things. My upbringing was really strict, I was essentially imprisoned ( minus school) and a slave for my mother to cook and clean So have only experienced freedom now. I can choose to do activities and persue interests now. I'm a sahm

DH main argument is that he doesn't want Dd to be alone in the world after we are gone. I know life has no guarantees but he is from a large family who are close. I on the other hand am not particularly close to my family. If we were to go ahead, it would mean Ivf or a vasectomy reversal. The thought of spending that amount of money for something I don't even want saddens me.

My advice? Don't be pressurised into something you don't want.

DH is not pressurising me as such. He dies say I will regret it in the future. Looking back I wish had a 2 children close together but was not in the fit mental state to do so. I am starting to feel guilty about Dd growing up alone without a sibling as all her cousins / friends have siblings.

don't do it- think how the child would feel, growing up knowing their mother didn't want them- because they WILL know.

also, discuss with your DH what you've said above- and remember, no-one can make you bear a child. if he goes ahead with the reversal, you can use protection.

don't be forced into a child you don't want, it'll be horrible for & affect everyone.

My best friend is an only child. She is very happy being an only child and has nice cousins/friends. We are like sisters though and couldn't be closer.

I wish I had been an only child. My siblings are awful!

Glittery- DH would never have a reversal without my consent. He's not forcing me but appealing to me that I will regret this one day.

I think for me the only reason to have a dc is because you 100% want one. Not because somebody else does.

I don't have much experience in age gaps (so someone please correct me if I am wrong) but I would have thought that if your DD is at school then it's unlikely that a second child, if you chose to have one, would be any company to your DD growing up. They'd probably not be that close, IYSWIM?

I am an only child and so is my DH. I have never felt "alone in the world".

Siblings can be great but hopefully your child will also friends, a partner, her own family etc?

I agree that the reason to have a new baby is because you want one, not for your DD. Being part of a happy family is most important for her right now and it sounds like she is.

had the snip and then wants another baby within a year???

No i wouldnt do it
most vasectomy reversals dont work anyway

Only have another baby if you really really want one yourself.

Think carefully about who actually provides childcare for your existing child. Is your husband really pulling his weight and doing his bit? Would he get up in the night if your older child needed you but you were busy feeding a newborn? Will he be prepared to look after both children sometimes to give you a break? If he won't or can t provide the support you will need you could end up hugely resentful if you allow yourself to be persuaded.

I'm going to go against what others have said and say that I can see your dh's point of view.

I do know when dgran was very ill, df had to make many decisions for her well being that were very difficult. He has a brother, but at that point he was on active service with the military, so not really in a position to help. Df is a very decisive person, and loves making decisions, but he said he'd have liked someone to discuss it and share the responsibility with, and he got very depressed over that time, which isn't him at all.
I aslo have a friend whose parents died when she was 19 and 20. She (17 years later) still feels very much on her own and often says she wishes she had a sibling she could just feel belongs to her.

However , I would still say that I think you have to want another child. It would be much worse to have a baby you resent both your dh and the baby for.
If your dh has a big family are there cousins that would be able to be close to your dd and support her?
Can you imagine if you found you were pregnant now? Would you think, actually this is going to be okay? Or would you think, oh no, this is terrible?

And the thing is with ivf and reversal is that the statistics are low for conceiving, I think about 1 in 3 is a good statistic for either of them. So it's not guarenteed. And there are potential health issues for you round ivf too.

Would you dh accept if it didn't work? Or would he want to try again, and again and again. I think that would make all of you much more stressed and less happy to have tried and not managed, to say nothing of the time spent trying.

Kiwiinkits I was thinking the same thing. If the first child is already at school that's too big an age gap for them to be particularly close as children. The gap narrows as adults but they may well never catch that up. Some do, some don't.

I'm sure I read in here somewhere that 4 years is the limit for age gaps if they are to have a close relationship as siblings - after that while the older may mother the younger, they're not likely to see each other as peers. They won't be in the same schools together or at uni at the same time. It's really a generation apart.

I am an only child - never had any major issues with it, but always felt that I would like to have more than one.

DH is one of three - gets on ok with his older brother but is not really close iykwim, and can't stand his younger brother.

We have just the one DD - and in then end this was largely through choice (there are issues that would make it tricky/not sensible for us to have another but we could have tried if we'd felt strongly enough).

I have no regrets about having an only one - I love being able to focus all our time and resources on her and also having time for myself. We are able to easily do lots of lovely things that would be too difficult and/or expensive with more than one child, and she is absolutely horrified at the thought of having siblings!

I have no extended family locally, but do keep in touch via Facebook etc, and have a fantastic network of friends so really don't feel the lack of siblings at all and I hope that DD will be in the same position herself when she is older.

If you really don't want another child you really shouldn't go ahead with it to please others. Your DH's view is based on his experience which is lovely, but sibling relationships don't work out that way for everyone.

The one thing I have always idealised is the thought of having an older brother - this is wearing off now that I have several friends with completely useless, unsupportive older brothers!

I had DS2 because I didn't want DS1 to be an only child. I didn't really want another one as I knew I wouldn't love a second child as much as I loved my first. What followed was a very guilt ridden pregnancy and then all my fears being blown out of the water on the night DS2 arrived as I fell completly, maddly in love with my amazing new baby!

But having said that I wouldn't go through IVF or surgery unless I was competly sure I wanted a baby. But wanted to make the point that it is possible to have a baby for other reasons than really wanting that baby without it messing up their lives. Or even having a baby for no reason at all. looks adoringly at unplanned DC3

He (you both) made the decision by having the snip - perhaps you should remind him of that as it's certainly something he should have been sure of when he had the op.

It is entirely possible to be all alone in the world and have a sibling. This is my situation. My sibling was bullied horrendously as a child and briefly bullied me in the same fashion. I had to disassociate entirely from her just to survive school. She has never forgiven me for this and I cannot get over how someone can hold a grudge over a ten year old's behaviour for several decades. You'd think I'd killed someone.

Just because you have two children does not mean they will get along. I'm nearly thirty now and I view myself as an only child. I have a husband, friends, etc.

Getting big- DH would help out with both children., night feeds etc when he could. Having said that he does work very long hours and I'm a SAHM. The childcare would fall on me.

The vasectomy was my fault, I knew DH wasnt ready and he wanted more but I rushed his decision knowing he could change his mind. He was not given any counselling before hand and I asked for him to be put on a cancellation list. From start to finish ( doctors referral)must have taken just few weeks.

Dewe- DH never had sperm count tested after to ensure the procedure worked 100%

It's been 18 months and I do panic when my period is late but DH says his tubes are definitely cut and not working.

In a strange kind of way I feel I would be excited if I was to find out I am pregnant on the off chance! maybe it's because I know I can't be that's why I'm thinking this. I don't know

Purr purr- sorry to hear of your awful experiences. My DB ignored me during my childhood/ teenage years at school. Not once did he communicate with me. He was the "in crowd". I was a bit geeky. we are not close now and he was often physically abusive with me. Parents siding with him for me answering him back do of course he had a reason to kick and punch me !!!!

Ultimately you don't choose your family, but you do choose your friends. For every person who has an amazing sibling relationship, there is someone who has a poor one. You cannot predict how your dcs will turn out, but you can give your current dc opportunities and social skills to make lifelong friends.

Your dh must have signed something for his vasectomy, you can't have forced him to do it and he have no say anymore than he can force you to have ivf for example.

Have you had counselling about your pnd and your upbringing? Maybe this would help as would some counselling to explore your feelings about another dc, for you and/or your dh.

Handbag. I didn't forced him but heavily encouraged him. It was z joint decision but I knew deep down he wasn't wanting to get the snip snd was doing it to please me.

I have referred for counselling. DH has read this thread!! He's such a sweetheart, he wouldn't pressurise me ever into having a second child although he wants one. . I think the problem is I'm just trying to convince myself to have another as I know it's what he wants.

I think your DH is being really unfair to guilt-trip you like that. You say it's not pressure but saying 'you'll always regret it' is emotional blackmail, I would say.

Stop trying to convince yourself just because it's what he wants. It's okay to say no. And quite frankly, once you say no, he should accept it and not keep trying to talk you into it.

He should also reexamine his reasons. I can assure you that us only children do not all feel alone in the world what a massive generalisation!

What usually happens is you form very close friendships that can function as siblings, plus if you get married then you have your partner and their family as well.

He needs to have a bit more imagination.

I had my dc2 because I didn't want dd to be alone either. It was more important to me because after a death of a parent during my teens I had my dsis to confide in and talk to.

I know quite a few only children and they have very close relationships with their cousins. Dd was an only child for 4 years and she's developed a beautiful relationship with my dsis's children. My dd is 5 now and her cousin who is 8 is like her sister.

So you 'pushed' your DH into a vasectomy and he is trying to 'push' you into a pregnancy? . I think before either of you go for any more operations or make any more life changing decisions, you should consider some form of counselling to help you find easier ways to assert what you both want.

Mardry- he isn't pushing me into anything. I'm putting pressure on myself to try convince myself to stop being selfish. I want a child about 5%. DH around 100%. Although he has said the decision is ultimately mine I feel crap for not giving him what he wants. It would be too much of a sacrifice in my life to have a second child.

OP, I wouldn't have another child in your situation. There is too much expectation that they would get on. What if they didn't like each other at all?
How would you feel knowing you are doing the main childcare for 2 children who bicker and fight all day, every day?
When your DH is not there and the DC are driving you up the wall, you will think of the sacrifice you have made and you will resent the younger child.

I wouldn't expect children who are 6+ years to be particularly close anyway. If everything worked out and you had a baby when your eldest was 6, they'd already be leading completely different lives and will have very little in common. When eldest is 11 and starting high school, your youngest would only be 5.
When eldest is going to college at 16, your youngest wont have even begun high school.
They will go through their lives at completely different stages until the youngest is at least 16.

If you are going to have a child for your DH, or your other child, make sure it is what your other child wants. I'm not sure how you do that tbh, because you can't order children to be what you want them to be.

I wouldn't do it.

When my mum passes it won't be my sister who I turn to, although we are fairly close but my DP and DC. This needs pointing out to your DH.