To not let my DS learn to dive.

(303 Posts)
Sandy11 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:06:35

My DS is 16 and wants to lean to dive. He says he has found a club for beginners of his age and really wants to learn. He is quite shy and has not had many hobbies. The only problem is that the lessons would last from 4 - 6 pm on a Sunday. The centre is miles away in the city and I am not prepared to drive so he would have to go on the train. I am worried that something bad would happen to him he is 16 but I don't think as a parent I should let him travel far about an hours journey on the train at them times. It would not affect his school work but you don't know who lurks about today. He is really shy and feel guilty for not letting him do this and it is not expensive either. Am I being unreasonable stopping him?

Letmeintroducemyself Sun 27-Jan-13 22:08:16

he is 16, yabu very unreasonable

honeytea Sun 27-Jan-13 22:08:55

YABU, in 2 years when he is 18 he could be in a hostal on the other side of the world or living in a student house.

BillComptonstrousers Sun 27-Jan-13 22:09:33

If you're so worried why can't you take him? And plenty of children younger than him travel into towns by train to go to school etc.

Very unreasonable .
He's 16 !
More than capable of getting himself there and back on public transport .

SandStorm Sun 27-Jan-13 22:10:53

YABU and hugely overprotective.

I went to Kavos for 2 weeks when I was 16. You are being incredibly unreasonable. If he's shy and not had many hobbies, why on earth are you holding him back?!

CheCazzo Sun 27-Jan-13 22:11:29

What do you mean you're 'not prepared to drive' - isn't that what parents do? You sound a bit crap tbh.

Andro Sun 27-Jan-13 22:11:30

Your concerns are not unreasonable, but I think refusing permission might be a bit unreasonable. The times are not late for a 16yo to be out and about.

porridgewithalmondmilk Sun 27-Jan-13 22:12:04

I think you are being very unreasonable sorry. Your two statements - that you are not prepared to drive him and that you are far too worried about him getting the train - do not marry at all.

thenightsky Sun 27-Jan-13 22:12:30

Is it diving in the style of Tom Daley or diving as in Scuba?

My DS went off to learn scuba at 14 and it was the best thing he ever did. He's been all over the world diving now and is still only 21. Nothing bad has happened yet! Life is for living.

thegreylady Sun 27-Jan-13 22:12:52

YABVU-this would be a way to help him with his shyness,make new friends and increase his fitness.You are not prepared to drive but he is prepared to go by train.Does he ever do this train journey at other times? Does he have a friend who would want to go along? how about you going with him on the train the first time and go off for a coffee till he has finished.
Please let him go.

Lexiesinclair Sun 27-Jan-13 22:13:35

YABU. What verytellytubby said. The poor lad.

JustAHolyFool Sun 27-Jan-13 22:13:58

I left home at 17. YABU.

Feminine Sun 27-Jan-13 22:14:15

I think you need to let him try. Its hard letting them go, but there comes a time when you must. This sounds a perfect situation for you both to grow. smile

He can get married, drive a moped, and leave home without your say so. Let him grow up hmm
It's not like he wants to smoke crack in an alley at the back of the brothel after mugging a pensioner for the money...

NulliusInBlurba Sun 27-Jan-13 22:14:56

Oh don't be so silly. No wonder he hasn't got many hobbies if this is your attitude.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-13 22:15:53

Very unreasonable indeed.

To be honest OP, you have made me feel quite cross.

Sandy11 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:16:13

Tom Daley type diving. And he has never really made journeys on his own and he is quite skinny I just worry over him.

Feminine Sun 27-Jan-13 22:16:25

Why don't you want to drive btw?

Feminine Sun 27-Jan-13 22:17:58

Is he very small for his age? maybe you see him younger than his years.

That, I can see...but you need to let him try.

honeytea Sun 27-Jan-13 22:18:15

Is this a joke? why would being skinny make it more dangerous?

Foggles Sun 27-Jan-13 22:18:39

Worrying about your DC as they become more independent is entirely natural but you should be encouraging him to go.

It will probably do his confidence the world of good.

BegoniaBampot Sun 27-Jan-13 22:18:59

I left school and was working at 16, you can get married at 16! Is he actually going to be able to put his diving into practice though? No point learning too early if he won't have much opportunity to be be diving.

BegoniaBampot Sun 27-Jan-13 22:20:09

Oh, just saw your update, thought you meant scuba!

thenightsky Sun 27-Jan-13 22:20:59

Oh please let him go OP. sad

My DS was incredibly shy and friendless. I loved it when he found something he really wanted to do (scuba and karate). these two little hobbies have been a lifeline when he went to uni, otherwise he'd have been in his room the whole time.

exoticfruits Sun 27-Jan-13 22:21:07

You must know that YABU - no wonder he is shy and scared of doing things! He is old enough to be married so I am sure he can catch a train! It really isn't good for him to wrap him in cotton wool and make him think that terrible things will befall him without mother!

Feminine Sun 27-Jan-13 22:21:32

honey I suspect op thinks that being skinny, he will be more of a target.

I can see that, but still, no reason to stay at home.

YABU - if you are that bothered about the train journey then drive him. I doubt that you ever stop worrying about your DC, but you have to live with that and let him get on with his life without your fears showing enough to curb his experiences (within obvious limits).

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jan-13 22:22:51

Why has he never made journeys on his own when he's 16? confused

Is this the result of bubble wrapping?

He's a young man for goodness sake.

bruffin Sun 27-Jan-13 22:23:07

My Dd would love to dive but there are no clubs near by that is easy to get to.
At 16 my Ds now 17 walked to my mum's 70 miles away and went on holiday for a week camping with his gf. He also had two jobs.
Its brilliant that he wants to do it himself.

Pourquoimoi Sun 27-Jan-13 22:23:46

You are being ridiculously unreasonable and unsupportive of your son.

Why not support him a bit whilst he's still at home, why aren't you willing to drive him?

Your poor DS.
I feel quite sorry for him.
He has few hobbies, yet you won't drive him to this?

weegiemum Sun 27-Jan-13 22:24:22

Yabu. My dd1 is 13 next week and commutes by 2 buses right across Glasgow every day, plus gets the bus to guides at 6.30 pm. It's done her confidence and self esteem no end of good. Takes about an hour each way.
Your ds has shown initiative and interest and tracked down a club himself - well done him!

kim147 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:24:43

At 16, I was taking 2 trains from Kings Cross to Yorkshire and a sunday evening bus back to school. Without mobile phones.

Also learnt to scuba dive. Diving from a board looks scary but that's just my opinion.

I think he'd have a great time and prepare him for the world.

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jan-13 22:25:39

Even driving him is a ridiculous idea

It's an hour on a train in the evening

How does the OP think everyone else manages?

honeytea Sun 27-Jan-13 22:25:46

I think you need to address him not having made any journies by himself right now because it is not great to be making his first solo journy at 16 but if you don't encourage him he might still be unable to travel alone at 26 or 46.

Feminine Sun 27-Jan-13 22:25:52

Knowing quite a few 16s I think many of them didn't do masses outside the home before 16, but this is the time when they start to want to.

You need to let him.

exoticfruits Sun 27-Jan-13 22:26:06

She doesn't need to drive him - he can manage a train journey!
All good practise for going away from home.

YABVU, give him some freedom to go and a mobile phone & pocket change if you're worried!
As others have said, in two years he could be in a student house or a hostel on the other side of the world I was hostelling in Scotland when I was 16 in 2006

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sun 27-Jan-13 22:27:48

Yes, YABU. I understand that you worry, I have a 20yr old DS with Asperger's, I worry about him but, you have to let go.

5madthings Sun 27-Jan-13 22:27:57

Why wouldn't you let him?! My 13y old would be quite capable of an hours train journey to go to a club to participate in a hobby he wanted to.

tigerdriverII Sun 27-Jan-13 22:28:26

Obviously a joke thread. 2/10 OP

honeytea Sun 27-Jan-13 22:29:12

I'd go as far as to say he should be in a student house or a hostel on the other side of the world. What else if he going to do? sit at home with his mum watching tv on a sunday because public transport is too scary.

Sandy11 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:32:12

Well he wants to learn then join a proper club.

scubastevie Sun 27-Jan-13 22:32:53

Did anyone else read it as learn to drive? Not dive? Which is quite funny considering my username grin

Is he called Timothy?

ladymariner Sun 27-Jan-13 22:33:22

YABVVU......what a crock of shit. He's shy, doesn't get out much, has finally asked to do something and you won't let him??? And what's with the refusing to drive him? You're coming across as a really nasty piece of work....

Whoknowswhocares Sun 27-Jan-13 22:34:42

Way, way too over protective! He is going at 4pm on a Sunday fgs! Not 4am for a piss up and clubbing!

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jan-13 22:34:44

scubastevie Yes! grin

Though sadly I'm wondering if he'll be allowed to do that next year.

BluelightsAndSirens Sun 27-Jan-13 22:35:30

I read drive as well confused

missmapp Sun 27-Jan-13 22:36:05

I thought this was going to be about diving being dangerous, I always worry about banging head! But not wanting him to go due to travel -Gaby.

wonkylegs Sun 27-Jan-13 22:36:32

I spent a month traveling through France & Switzerland when I was 16 and I was a petite little girl. I then came back and spent most of the year when I was 17 taking trains all over the country by myself to go look at uni. I am now a confident traveller and went off to uni with no problem.
If you can't let him have freedom at 16 when will you be happy for him to take this journey because it'll only get harder for him the older he is fussed and mollycoddled. Yes worry but let him go & be thankful he's found an interesting hobby.

BegoniaBampot Sun 27-Jan-13 22:36:32

Nasty piece of work? Really?

missmapp Sun 27-Jan-13 22:37:08

Gaby! Stupid tablet! YABU

Sandy11 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:37:43

I am not nasty it is just ok in my area we don't have diving but we have tennis and swimming etc he just seems to want to try something that is different. I would let him if it was a 20 minute walk!

LineRunner Sun 27-Jan-13 22:39:04

OP, let him go on the train.

Feminine Sun 27-Jan-13 22:40:01

Thats good he wants to try something different though eh?

20 min walk confused

ladymariner Sun 27-Jan-13 22:40:28

Why is is it wrong for him to want to do something different? Surely you should be supporting him, especially as he is shy, it probably took a lot of courage for him to ask to do this

Sandy11 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:40:51

I also don't mind the train journey just returning at 6pm it will be near dark and walking to a train station at near night there could be anyone there.

PatriciaHolm Sun 27-Jan-13 22:42:02

He's 16. Old enough to leave home, join the military, learn to ride a moped. He can manage a train ride. You really need to give him his freedom - how is he ever going to function as a adult if you don't?

kim147 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:42:24

So are you curtailing his freedom because of what might happen?

5madthings Sun 27-Jan-13 22:42:36

Oh figs its 6pm not 2am, he will be fine and in a few months it will be light at 6pm anyway!

LineRunner Sun 27-Jan-13 22:42:36

He'll be fine, though. People have to walk around all the time at all times of day. It's perfectly normal.

5madthings Sun 27-Jan-13 22:43:23

At 16i did go out and not come home till 2amactually, non school nights of course!

PatriciaHolm Sun 27-Jan-13 22:43:57

You can't keep him at home just because there is a miniscule chance of something going wrong!

At what age is the poor lad going to be able to go out on his own? Does he never go out at night at all?!!

ladymariner Sun 27-Jan-13 22:44:11

So drive him then if you're that worried and ridiculously over-protective

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jan-13 22:44:17

Yeah cos there'd be no-one there when it's light hmm

What do you think happens when the sun goes down OP?

And how will you cope when he leaves home/starts work and needs to be out of the house after dark?

Seriously, you're going to ruin him at this rate.

Feminine Sun 27-Jan-13 22:45:22

If you are really worried I suppose you could meet him off the train.

Give yourself a chance to see it will be alright.

Do you live in a particularly bad area , is that it?

aufaniae Sun 27-Jan-13 22:45:27

He's 16!! Yes, you should let him do this. It will be good for him.

Why can't he go under his own steam?

I used to travel to school every day 2.5 miles across London by bus from when I was 8 with my 6yo little sister in tow.

At 10 I used to get the train to my grandparents' on my own (London to Cardiff) (I was met at either end), and at 10.5 I got a plane from America to London on my own. It made me independent.

Your son is 16, please, give him some freedom and help him find his independence. This is the best thing you can do for him.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-13 22:45:50

OP he's a baw hair off being an ADULT!

It being dark is not an issue! My son walked a mile home from his friend's at 6pm tonight....he is 11!!!

Bobyan Sun 27-Jan-13 22:45:56

You're going to be the Mil from hell.

usualsuspect Sun 27-Jan-13 22:46:00

OP,let him.go.

toddlerama Sun 27-Jan-13 22:46:42

If you are restricting his use of transport due to your fears, then you should drive him.

But just let him go on the train. I wasn't allowed to do ANYTHING by myself as a teen (it was all too dangerous...) and I failed miserably at everything when I left home for a good year. Didn't have any life skills at all. It made me angry with my parents, who were actually really lovely people, just totally over protective.

5madthings Sun 27-Jan-13 22:46:50

worra has a good point re work, at 16 I had a part time job and shifts would finish at 9/10pm some nights and I would then bike home.

Seriously do you not let him go out once its dark?!! At what age WILL you let him out in the dark?!!

hatgirl Sun 27-Jan-13 22:46:53

He should have been able to do this from age 12/13 onwards no problems.

No wonder he is how he is, you haven't let him grow up! What are you going to do if he goes off to university in a few years time?

At 16 I had two jobs, was secretary of our local young farmers club and competing all over the country in various events with no parental oversight.

You have to weigh up the benefits of him getting a life against the minimal risk that something bad might happen to him. No actually, you don't.... he is 16 and able to make his own decisions without your permission.

aufaniae Sun 27-Jan-13 22:47:13

I used to get a bus home from Horse Riding (in Hackney, London!) in the dark from age 8!

Whoknowswhocares Sun 27-Jan-13 22:47:39

If you are really that bothered then you have the choice to drive him.......pick the one which appeals the most BUT you really have to let him go.

As an aside, why is it being near dark relevant? Stuff can happen to anyone, at any time. That doesn't make it reasonable to never do anything.......again if it is that terrifying, go pick him up from the station! But sooner or later, you are going to have to accept he cannot be protected from every possible problem in life for ever

ravenAK Sun 27-Jan-13 22:48:42


He's old enough to leave home if he chose. You actually can't 'not let him'.

It's simply not your decision to make.

On a practical note, it's getting lighter every week now.

aufaniae Sun 27-Jan-13 22:48:52

Sorry to be so frank, but being so overprotective is damaging to him. You need to help him learn how to become an adult, he will be one soon.

This is a great opportunity for you and him to practice him having more independence.

Let him go.

BillComptonstrousers Sun 27-Jan-13 22:48:54

I'm not sure how many muggers/pervs hang around the train station at 6pm on a Sunday. I can only assume this is the type of people you mean??

ladymariner Sun 27-Jan-13 22:50:48

I agree you should be letting him do this on his own but still intrigued as to why you refuse to drive him if you're that bothered about it.

Also wondering if the boy's shyness is in any way related to the mother's over protectiveness.......

Pandemoniaa Sun 27-Jan-13 22:53:09

I also don't mind the train journey just returning at 6pm it will be near dark and walking to a train station at near night there could be anyone there.

There could be "anyone" there at any time of day. At 16, he should be perfectly capable of travelling alone at teatime. The sooner he gets some sensible levels of independence, the safer he's likely to be too.

thenightsky Sun 27-Jan-13 22:53:59

If he's 16 he'll be able to learn to drive himself in less than a year grin

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jan-13 22:54:04

It's strange how we as kids (I'm 43) were afforded so much more freedom years ago.

Yet, there were no mobile phones, not every house had a landline and if a family even had a was one per household mainly.

OP, you've got a car...your DS will have a mobile'll have a mobile phone or at least a landline.

Why in God's name are you restricting such a normal and healthy part of his life?

Why have you not given him the skills to be able to get a flipping train home at 6pm?

Jesus, I was hopping on trains into London all the time at 11.

Time to cut the apron strings and stop holding him back, he's not a baby and he will resent you if you keep on.

OverWintered Sun 27-Jan-13 22:55:06

He is really shy and I feel guilty for not letting him do this and it is not expensive either telling, I think you know that you do want to let him do this and there are more fors than againsts. How fantastic that he has found something that he wants to try

Maybe do the train journey with him the first time he goes?

Oh and there are a large proportion of crimes that happen in daylight hours. 6pm is commuter time.

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jan-13 22:56:56

Maybe do the train journey with him the first time he goes?

I know you meant well OverWintered but you're responsible for the little bit of sick that just came up in my throat....


squeakytoy Sun 27-Jan-13 22:57:42

At 16, if I wanted to do a course, I would do it, and would not have expected my parents to "allow" me to do it...

Pandemoniaa Sun 27-Jan-13 22:58:53

I know you meant well OverWintered but you're responsible for the little bit of sick that just came up in my throat....

I'm glad you said that, Worra. I was still pondering on how to address my astonishment at the very idea.

curryeater Sun 27-Jan-13 23:02:57

Surely this is a reverse IABU.

OP, are you the 16 year old? Put your mum on. Either we'll sort her out, or she will explain that you are grounded for dealing or something.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 27-Jan-13 23:06:25

I was allowed very little freedom as a teenager, & I remember with pleasure the 40 min train journey I did every saturday back from ballet. It was incredibly important to me & i really felt like it was a rehearsal for being properly grown up & independent. Walking to the train station, finding the platform & the journey was all really nice, at 6pm on a Saturday. And parents collected me from the station at the other end.

Please let him go.

StuffezLaBouche Sun 27-Jan-13 23:09:56

1/10. Sure this will drivel on for several more pages with the OP appearing sporadically to make largely irrelevant comments.
And yes this is a "j'accuse" type of post. Sorry.

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jan-13 23:13:08

Indeed Pandemoniaa grin

Cortana Sun 27-Jan-13 23:46:53

Jesus wept. A lot of 16 year olds are drinking and shagging and god knows what else at that age I know I was . Your DS would like to try a new sport.

Get on bended knee and thank whatever lucky star you believe in and be thankful.

nailak Mon 28-Jan-13 00:09:38

when i was 16 I worked at macDs and walked home at 2am, and i was a petit girl.....

Also went clubbing and stuff, out on trains to city late at night. I think that if your ds doesnt know how to get train on his own etc, you have the next 2 years to get him used to it.

When were you planning to start? just send him of at 18 and leave him to it at uni?

pigletmania Mon 28-Jan-13 00:21:14

Yabvu stop cotton wooling him and give him some freedom poor thing. You sound a bit of a helicopter parent grin

Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 00:25:58

What a surprise, this is the first time you have thought to ask a question on mumsnet grin.

ffs, go to bed. Don't you have school in the morning?

BarredfromhavingStella Mon 28-Jan-13 00:26:07

Fuck me I thought you meant actual diving, not jumping into a fucking swimming pool!!! Jesus I do the former & was going to say YABU, so guess what-I'm now going to say YABVVVU, get over yourself & let him have some fun!!

EllenParsons Mon 28-Jan-13 00:28:11

Yabu, massively u! He is 16 fgs! You are mollycoddling him too much. At his age he should easily be able to do this with no problem. If you don't let him have any independence and if you go on about dangers you are going to make him paranoid and nervous about everything. You are actually going to damage him by being like this. You are so so so U.

LouMae Mon 28-Jan-13 00:38:16

Weird. My dniece is 16 and has been to Manchester (about an hour from us ) on the train loads of time. She even went alone on the train to oxford to visit her "boyfriend" (we live in the north west). I used to live in a rural area where kids as young as 11 commuted on the train every day to school, sometimes as late as 6pm if they had after school activities. You're going to destroy all of his confidence.

TheCatInTheHairnet Mon 28-Jan-13 00:54:20

My 16 year old goes into NYC on his own and meets friends all the time. They hang out, go skateboarding, watch bands, eat pizza and then come home. It's amazing what teenagers can do if you let them.

And all of my children are on a dive team. It's an absolutely brilliant, athletic and, ever so slightly, daring sport. Let him do it!! And, for God's sake, let him to learn to take the bus. He's not 6!!

Remotecontrolduck Mon 28-Jan-13 01:54:55

I think this is a joke thread, because no sane person would be like this.

If this is real, I hope your son moves out ASAP OP, you sound unhinged.

sashh Mon 28-Jan-13 07:22:31

At 16 I went to Australia alone, it was the first time I had flown.

Let him go, it's not like he is walking home at 3am through a row of crack dens.

Branleuse Mon 28-Jan-13 07:34:54

hes 16. Just let him

I left home at 16, as did my brother :|

OddBoots Mon 28-Jan-13 07:40:00

What's preventing you from driving him?

Would you be prepared to drive just for picking him up and for him to get the train there?

jamdonut Mon 28-Jan-13 07:45:01

Why can't you just meet him from the train station, then, if you are that worried about him? I would let my 16 year old daughter do that,but I would meet her if it was a very lonely walk. Presumably he has a phone...can't he text you when he's leaving and when he's just approaching the statin so ou know where he is? need to let him have some independence at that age!!!

jamdonut Mon 28-Jan-13 07:48:46

*station, *you .....silly keyboard!!

PrideOfChanur Mon 28-Jan-13 07:55:30

If my 16 year old came home wanting to try a new activity,and had found somewhere they could do it - and it was cheap-I'd be falling over myself to encourage them!
He could go on the train,or you could take him (even if you aren't keen to be out for 3 hours on a Sunday night)He'll be learning a new skill,hopefully making friends,building his confidence - what will he be doing at home otherwise? (for my DCs the answer would be telly and Nintendo - diving a much better idea!)

everlong Mon 28-Jan-13 08:41:51

Don't believe this one bit.

Vagndidit Mon 28-Jan-13 08:49:08

I don't think we need to drag out the melodramatic competitive statements of "When I was 16, I..." choose one: was married/travelled South America on my own/had 4 children/cured cancer/found world peace, etc etc etc...

However...not letting your 16 take the train alone??? C'mon op. Cut the cord, hon.

cory Mon 28-Jan-13 08:51:32

As a university teacher, this OP makes my blood run cold.

Unless this story is made up, this is a boy who in 2 years time is likely to be thrown on the mercies of a university town, with all that that entails, and with no experience of looking out for himself.

Please come back, OP, and shout April Fools!

Or at least let us explain that it is the norm, even in today's protective society, for 11/12yos to do what you are denying your 16yo.

LineRunner Mon 28-Jan-13 08:54:07

If Ruth Lawrence is on MN, she could come on and say, 'When I was 16 I had a university degree.' That would be quite cool. (Except the bit where her dad followed her round everywhere I suppose.)

at 16 to find a skill that he could be passionate about and use to make new friends I'd be getting him there any way I could , fair enough if you don't want to drive but there is no logical reason why he can't get a train plenty people that age do daily. I really hope your joking

cory Mon 28-Jan-13 08:54:39

Agree that we don't need to go back to our own childhoods decades ago.

But just looking around my moderately large city today, in 2013, what I see is hundreds of youngsters from nice, caring, protective homes, not neglectful ones, who are allowed to walk out or travel on public transport in the early evening by 12 years old, who hold down Saturday jobs by 16, who have a social life which does not depend on being guarded by adults at every turn. I see that schools expect it too.

Is anyone else wondering why the actual fuck a 16 year old boy needs to ask his mothers permission to get on a train?

yep tantrums, guilty. I was wondering

Flisspaps Mon 28-Jan-13 09:01:27

People really do treat their almost adult children like this.

I worked in a secondary school a few years ago, one of the Y11 boys (so aged 15/16) wasn't allowed to get the bus the 2 miles home as he was "too precious and her little boy"
in his mother's own words, and she wanted to pick him up early as she couldn't get him at normal pick up time.

She was rather put out when I pointed out that the parents of all of our students thought their children were precious and their babies, but most of them still managed to get the bus/train in from Y7.

I felt sorry for him, he always looked really sad.

OP, it might be scary for you, but you need to let your son learn how to be independent. He isn't a little boy. Your job as his parent is to equip him with the confidence and skills to cope in the big, wide world. That can't be done through cotton wool or clipping his wings.

Nancy66 Mon 28-Jan-13 09:03:36

you should let him do it.

However if the 'dark at 6pm' thing bothers you that much you could compromise and say he can do it in March - by which time it will be light at 6pm.

magimedi Mon 28-Jan-13 09:09:18

Do you know, I can't post & stay civil on this one?

I just hope it's a wind up.

BertieBotts Mon 28-Jan-13 09:10:46


How will he ever learn confidence and how to do things for himself if you won't let him? What if something bad happens - well, yeah, what if it does? One day he'll be living away from home and he'll have to deal with "bad" things happening. TBH he's probably more in danger of being beaten up at school than by a random stranger. You have to let him have age appropriate freedom now while he has the back up of you to call if he does get into trouble. Otherwise he's never going to manage out on his own.

Is he planning to go to university?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 09:16:15

You are being very unreasonable!

You know that he doesn't really need your permission don't you? He doesn't even have to be living with you.

Don't stop him doing something he's interested in, its wrapping him up in cotton wool, he won't thank you for it and you have to cut the apron strings some time.

This thread makes me uncomfortable. I think its because you could drive him but choose not to do that either. I get the impression that you just don't want him spreading his wings and getting a life for himself. Instead you want to keep him all yours which is incredibly unhealthy for you and also for the man he is becoming.

toddlerama Mon 28-Jan-13 09:19:07

I don't think this is a joke. This is how I was raised sad

LittleChimneyDroppings Mon 28-Jan-13 09:20:19

You need to let him go. If you don't then he will get pissed off with you and go and do what he wants anyway. And then you won't know what he's doing because he will start lying to you. My mum used to be a bit like you and I ended up packing my bags and moving out at 16, just so I could have a bit of freedom.

Yfronts Mon 28-Jan-13 09:26:26

pick him up from the train station at 6pm?

LadyMargolotta Mon 28-Jan-13 09:29:33

No wonder he is shy and doesn't have any hobbies if this has been your attitude his whole childhood.

I feel very sad for him.

Bejeena Mon 28-Jan-13 09:32:58

You are being very unreasonable, he is pretty much a grown up so let him go on the bus. Honestly it is not very fair to stop him wanting to do something so constructive. I would personally be grateful that my son was into something sporty than wanting to go down the pub or out with girls.

Reaa Mon 28-Jan-13 09:43:48

Let him go, he needs to have something to do, this could be the making of him, don't deny him the chance to meet new friends and take up a new hobby.

ilovepowerhoop Mon 28-Jan-13 09:49:38

my 13 year old niece gets on a train to travel 30 minutes to glasgow with her friends. At 16 I started Uni (Scotland) and had to travel by bus and train to get there. Let him grow up and have a bit of independence.

Selks Mon 28-Jan-13 09:50:07

OP have you ever considered that there might be a correlation between your son being 'shy' and you being massively and inappropriately over protective??
You are not doing him any favours whatsoever and you need to take a good look at your own insecurities and anxieties and stop holding your son back. YABVVU.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 09:56:19

Selks. Well said. I was thinking the same. It can have a lifelong effects to be limited in your socialising as a child by your parents.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Mon 28-Jan-13 09:58:58

Agh these are the worst type of
"AIBU? Yes, yes you are"
"no I'm not fal lah lah not listening to you"
because you are restricting your poor sons life!
Seriously OP I don't think one person pn here has said your are not being unreasonable. What's that saying about the rest of the world not being wrong....
Please consider letting him go, he'll only resent you deeply if you keep smothering him like this

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 10:02:44

I don't think she'll be back sad

shrimponastick Mon 28-Jan-13 10:04:15

He needs to do this.

By all means help him out by looking at train timetables, find out which platform etc. Maybe drive him there for the first session so he doesn't have both aspects of the day to be nervous about.

But let him go.

My DSS is 16 and hasn't yet made his own way to school. Has never caught a bus or train. He has been brought up the same as your DS .

16 is an adult.

You should be glad that he has found am interest, he will mix with a new social group. All good stuff.

curryeater Mon 28-Jan-13 10:12:09

If this is remotely real, the OP needs to let her son do this.
If he is shy, he is likely to be lonely.
Loneliness is a terrible thing and for teenagers can be unbearably painful. In the end, some lonely teenagers will do anything at all to get friends. Let him go diving or it will be drink, drugs, or something worse.

MoominmammasHandbag Mon 28-Jan-13 10:24:48

OP have you had some bad experience in the past that has made you feel like this? You really know that you have to let him go don't you?

Birnamwood Mon 28-Jan-13 10:30:44

My sil had England trials for football. Pil decided not to take her because it was mil birthday party, not her actual birthday, just the party. She had an opportunity to trial for England athletics for javelin. They didn't want to take her as it was too far away and fil was playing golf that day. She is a very talented sportswoman but was held back so much by her parents that she has made very little of herself. These trials, btw, she was headhunted for and they wanted her to trial but her parents put so many barriers in the way it was never possible for her to go. If we had known about it we would have taken her ourselves but at that time we didn't have much contact with them toxic

Don't be this parent op. this is about your ds, not you.

nailak Mon 28-Jan-13 11:11:09

i got another one:

at 14 me and my 11 year old brother flew without parents from uk to southafrica

kim147 Mon 28-Jan-13 11:12:47

Kicked off to boarding school at 11. That teaches you independence with no one caring for you or watching out for your safety or emotional welfare.

shockers Mon 28-Jan-13 11:34:04

Sandy, I've scanned the thread but I can't see an answer to the question, 'Why aren't you prepared to drive him?'

Could you drive him until the nights get lighter as a compromise? You might enjoy watching him learn.

I spend a lot of time next to swimming pools, watching my two train and compete (swimming, not diving), they love that I'm there. Sometimes I take a cossie and go in if training is at our local uni, because some of the pool is still open to the public. Other times I take a book, or some work to do.

It's just a couple of hours out of your week to support your shy son in something that might give him friends, confidence and fitness. I hope he does get to go before the urge wears off!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 11:48:42

Birnhamwood. That's really sad!

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 11:52:30

yy why can't you drive him?

Assuming the area you live in doesn't resemble something out of Mad Max of course he really ought to be going alone, but as you're so anxious it would at least be a compromise.

At 16 he really ought to be meeting friends, grabbing a pizza and catching a film in the evenings, but hey ho.

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 11:53:07

Umm, I don't mean instead of diving btw - I mean in addition to.

socharlotte Mon 28-Jan-13 11:56:41

Is 6 oclock on a sunday afternoon , a bad time.3am on a friday night/saturday morning you might have a point!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 12:22:18

The ops just making excuses not to let her son spread his wings in my opinion. Its not about time of day or safety or train rides or pedophiles (Im guessing that's what she meant by her Who knows who lurks about comment), or because he's too skinny (?!) or because it will be dark, or because its longer than a 20 minute walk . . .

If it was any of these reasons she wouldn't be refusing to drive for apparently no reason. Its more likely that she wants to keep him all hers (which is rather creepy) and doesn't want him becoming independent, growing up and having a life of his own.

Poor guy!

He's not your possession op. He's becoming a man who will fly the nest at some point in the near future (hopefully, if he can prize your fingers off) and will get girlfriends/boyfriends or whatever. Its incredibly unhealthy for all concerned to stop him doing that.

He won't thank you for it.

Perhaps its time to make a life of your own?

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but you need to look honestly at your motivations.

When I was 16 my parents bought me a scooter. A proper motorized scooter. I did moped driving lessons, and I went everywhere with it.

My parents never stood in my way, and never prevent me from learning, developing, and spreading my wings.

You need to let him do this.
You need to let him develop and learn to be independent.

HazleNutt Mon 28-Jan-13 12:33:54

Why should one drive a 16-year old (and sit on a bench for 2 hours waiting for him), when there are perfectly adequate public transport options available?

YABU of course, OP.

LiegeAndLief Mon 28-Jan-13 12:42:46

I used to get on planes to the Far East on my own at 16. I was also very shy, but it didn't impede my ability to get on public transport. Do people seriously limit their 16 year olds in this way?

sazpops Mon 28-Jan-13 12:54:42

sandy is your son worried about getting the train, or is it just you? If he hasn't used the train before and is worried about getting the right platform etc, do a 'dry run' of the journey beforehand so he knows the ropes. And if you're worried about him walking back from the station - and he agrees - meet him off the train.

If he's quite happy about doing the whole thing himself, then you really do have to keep your worries to yourself and encourage him to go and enjoy himself. Children do all mature at different rates but by 16 he should be able to go out and about on his own.

Why dont he take the train there, and you pick him up after?

Is this the DS posting perhaps?

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 16:17:49

I live on the outskirts of Birmingham and driving would cost too much money. For a month and a half his lessons would cost £36.50 and the train fare about £12 per time. All I worry about is the walk from the diving centre to the train station the centre of Birmingham is dodgy at any time.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 16:20:55

You mean it would cost more than 12.50 in petrol per lesson?

City centres will still be busy at 4 and 6pm. Its not like he'd be coming back at midnight, and it will get lighter soon anyway.

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 16:22:32

At 6pm on a Sunday? Really?

And why would driving him there cost too much? It wouldn't cost £12 in fuel would it (unless you drive a Formula 1 car or a helicopter maybe)? Could you not pick him up and let him get the train there?

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 16:25:27

Unless it's in a spectacularly dodgy part of town, not just simply "the centre" (I don't know Birmingham well) then you must let him go. At 16, being out at 6pm in the city centre is a totally normal thing to do.

You are damaging him by smothering him. Sorry to be harsh, I know you want the best for him, but stopping him do something positive and healthy like diving because of your fears is not good for him.

If the real problem is that you can't afford it, how about encouraging him to get a Saturday job to pay for it?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 16:25:58

Oh yeah its a Sunday, forgot about that.

bruffin Mon 28-Jan-13 16:26:35

You can reduce the train fare by getting him a 16 to 35 rail card.
There may be others getting the train so he may have someone to walk to the station with.

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 16:28:25

He can afford it, it is just a bit of a waste when he can do so many other things in Stoke such as Tennis, Squash, Badminton etc... But he says he doesn't want to do them and likes and finds diving interesting.

musicmadness Mon 28-Jan-13 16:29:17

The centre of Birmingham is perfectly fine, and there are so many people around new street it is exceptionally unlikely you will run into some "dodgy" person without anyone else around. I was regularly in Birmingham at about 9pm at his age for after school lectures at the uni, it was fine.

Where is the diving club though? I didn't realise there was one in the centre of B'ham.

5madthings Mon 28-Jan-13 16:32:03

Its not a waste! God your son has found something he wants to try, he should be perfectly capable of getting there and back and you are just coming up with pathetic excuses.

Don't want to drive
Don't want him getting the train
Its dark
He is skinny

Let him go and let him start browsing up!

5madthings Mon 28-Jan-13 16:32:50

growing up not browsing...

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 16:35:52

Oh I though "browsing up" must be a local term. I read it in a Brum accent grin

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 16:36:59

Its not a waste! He clearly doesn't want to do something which involves a racket!

How would you like it if you wanted to take up pottery really badly but were told you couldn't and it was a waste because you could do photography or life drawing instead? Or you wanted to learn Spanish because you have dreams of living in Spain but were told you could only do German or French?

Just because they are both sporty activities doesn't mean he will be good at or interested in both.

lljkk Mon 28-Jan-13 16:38:49

I also don't mind the train journey just returning at 6pm it will be near dark and walking to a train station at near night there could be anyone there.

DS is just 13yo; every Sunday he walks 2/3 mile to train station, goes to the city, a 1 mile walk thru the city to play Warhammer & gets back on the train around 5:15pm when it's long gone dark. There are no street lights down our road either. Half the time he doesn't have a phone or it's run out of charge.

Didn't realise I was allowing something so risky.

(I'll sink on bended knees in prayer of thanks if DS is that keen to do anything at 16)

5madthings Mon 28-Jan-13 16:39:41

Lol I am not from Birmingham, tho I have visited plenty of times, we went to so me English literature speeches there when doing a levels they were rather dull and we bunked off and wandered around the city etc, some fab little record shops. The talks went on till 6pm and we had all been told to bring money and were then sent off at 6pm to go get dinner and had to meet back at the coach for 10pm. This was lower 6th form so we were all 16/17 yes old.

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 16:40:13

If he finds diving interesting, you should encourage it!

I'd be delighted if my DS wants to travel to do a sport when he's 16. You should be proud of him smile

whatsforyou Mon 28-Jan-13 16:40:20

Don't ever move to the north of Scotland op. There days it isn't light till about ten and dark again by three! If we all had your attitude there would be no kids sent to school smile

TheSecretCervixDNCOP Mon 28-Jan-13 16:40:55

Oh my goodness am I really reading this? Basically you don't approve of his chosen hobby and are putting up as many barriers as you can till he picks a sport you will 'allow' him to play i.e the Tennis, Squash, Badminton comment above.

You ought to take a step back and take a good look at your self! I hope your son finds a way around your tyranny I really do!

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 16:42:42

Diving just seems to be a bit of a 'fad' due to the Olympics, Splash and Tom Daley etc.. It seems way to far to travel for something that he may not like in the future.


Your son has had the initiative to find these classes for himself - pretty good for shy, don't you think? He is perfectly capable of making the train journey. If it really bothers you so much (and 6pm on a Sunday at Birmingham New St is pretty busy and safe) then you must drive him. I doubt that petrol and parking would cost more than £12, so I reject your given reason of cost for not doing it. But, IMO it will be better for him to get the train anyway. At this age you should be encouraging him to take small steps towards independence, and this would be an excellent step.

Well done your son for doing this. Please stop wrapping him in cotton wool, at 16 he really needs to be testing his wings now.

5madthings Mon 28-Jan-13 16:44:41

Its not too far for him to travel!!!

And maybe it will be a 'fad' and he will give it up but you say 'he can afford it' so its his money?! Or he may really like it, either way yabvvvu!!

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 16:45:20

ll I was thinking about this and I would consider allowing ds to travel alone to the next city (Bristol) if there was something he really wanted to do - he's not yet 13!

I'd probably pick him up from the station though because the buses are crap at that time on a Sunday and I'm a pushover.

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 16:48:13

something that he may not like in the future.


So we shouldn't let our children take part in activities they might go off of? Those riding lessons ds had when he was 7-9 were a waste?

Listen to yourself woman!

Oh and what Where said. Also, parking in central Birmingham is cheap as chips. You could go and do something for yourself to kill those two hours if you really couldn't bear to let him travel alone.

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 16:48:33

I could understand driving all that way if he was younger and good at it but starting diving at 16 just for a hobby seems to far. I mean he said it could lead to competitions if he is any good but it just seems to be a complete fad.

5madthings Mon 28-Jan-13 16:48:39

My ds1 is 13 and would happily let him do this, he is getting the train to London this summer To go and stay with relatives, two hours on the train and the relatives are half an hour from London so he will go into London for a day or two whilst there.... Is obviously an incredibly lax mother..

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 16:48:39

So what if its a fad? He's allowed to have them, its his life. Even if he doesnt like it he might enjoy himself finding that out. Is that allowed? Were you ever allowed to discover anything for yourself? If he never tried anything in case he didn't still like it in a few years time he would literally never do anything.

And anyway your argument doesn't even make sense. A fad? What about tennis which you have pre-approved? Who says he will like that at all. He doesn't even want to do it yet that's ok?

Seriously overbearing op.

You do realise that you just added another silly excuse to stop him doing what if wants don't you?

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 16:48:57


shockers Mon 28-Jan-13 16:49:45

So what if it's a 'fad'? I'd hedge a bet that most Olympians were inspired by watching athletes in the Olympics when they were younger. If it gives your son's confidence a boost, then it's been a success, even if he doesn't make it to Rio wink.

Kendodd Mon 28-Jan-13 16:49:48

Is this for real? If so YABVU and I think selfish putting your own needs for a worry free life over your sons needs to grow up and learn some life skills.

5madthings Mon 28-Jan-13 16:50:07

Stop making excuses, he may get good at it or he may be crap but do it for fun because he actually enjoys it!

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 16:50:16

But tennis is close and even if it was a fad he would still not have to travel as far and spend as much money.

CecilyP Mon 28-Jan-13 16:50:35

Tom Daley type diving. And he has never really made journeys on his own and he is quite skinny I just worry over him.

Well there is always a first time and at 16 that first time is already rather late. And if he is skinny, so much the better as there will be more room for the person sitting next to him on the train. YABVU to attempt to stop him pursuing this new hobby.

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 16:50:46

"Diving just seems to be a bit of a 'fad' due to the Olympics, Splash and Tom Daley etc.. It seems way to far to travel for something that he may not like in the future."

And your problem with that is what exactly?!

Even if he only does it for a year, and then packs it in, it's healthy, good for him. Travelling into Birmingham regularly will no doubt do wonders for his self-esteem and confidence. If he doesn't try it he won't know. On the other hand, if you stop him going, he may resent you! (With good reason IMO).

What is your problem with this really? Why do you keep coming up with new reasons?

Why not just let him go?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 16:51:13

I could understand driving all that way if he was younger and good at it but starting diving at 16 just for a hobby seems to far. I mean he said it could lead to competitions if he is any good but it just seems to be a complete fad.

But starting tennis, squash, badminton at 16 is ok?!

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 16:51:20

Right so you won't drive him because he's too old, and he can't go alone because he's too young. Is that right?

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 16:52:06

There is nothing wrong with starting a hobby at 16, or 66!

Stop making excuses, what is your problem with this, really?

5madthings Mon 28-Jan-13 16:52:38

Jennamy kids have tried lots of things, our 'rule' is they must stick it out for a term before quitting, purely as you tend to have to pay for things termly so they go for the sessions we have paid for. As adults we try things because we want to,why the hell should a 16yr old not be allowed to?!!

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 16:52:39

I won't drive because of the costs and distance when he may not commit to it and it won't be that constructive.

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 16:53:27

The travelling is actually a positive benefit. Especially if you've never let him do this kind of thing before, it'll be really good for him to do this journey regularly by himself.

Joiningthegang Mon 28-Jan-13 16:53:34

Yabu - to the most ridiculous extent i am wondering if this op can be true

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 16:53:50

Its his time travelling and his money he's spending by the sounds of it.

So that's yet another silly excuse!

5madthings Mon 28-Jan-13 16:54:19

He isn't having to travel that far and its his money, but even if it wasn't his money I would hope a parent would support their child to try something new.

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 16:54:45

Sandy, give it up, just let him go please!

Does it not say anything to you that people are unanimously saying YABU?!

bruffin Mon 28-Jan-13 16:55:33

If he was doing his DofE he would have to take up a new sport. If he has gone to the trouble of finding out the info for him self he is obviously serious about wanting to give it a go.

5madthings Mon 28-Jan-13 16:55:39

Please let this be a reverse aibu!!!

everlong Mon 28-Jan-13 16:57:16

Him not diving is the least of his worries that's if this were true of course

Deux Mon 28-Jan-13 16:57:44

Is this real?

If so, stop being such a drip.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 16:58:20

I won't drive because of the costs and distance when he may not commit to it and it won't be that constructive.

Who says it won't be constructive? What's your definition of constructive? He'll probably enjoy it, get a bit fitter. Is that not good enough? Why is badminton more constructive in your opinion?

And another silly excuse . . .

Bobyan Mon 28-Jan-13 16:58:56

Loving the way you don't accept that yabu.

Hoping that this isn't real.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 16:59:18

What's a DofE?

Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 16:59:28

Oh, come on everyone, stop being so gullible nice grin

You're being a numpty OP. Is your time so precious that you won't let your son potentially enjoy himself? If I was your son id tell you I was doing it and that's that.

You're not presenting yourself well at all, it's all 'me me me'. Do you have other children?

shockers Mon 28-Jan-13 17:00:59

I feel a bit sad for your son. All around him will be kids who have had their parents' support with activities for years... from what you've said, this sounds like it's the first thing he's asked for your support with.

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 17:01:16

At the moment all teens his age seem to want to do it even my friend's DD wants to but she lives even further away from Birmingham than me. As soon as it loses popularity all this fad will stop.

Let him take the train there and pick him up once the session has finished. Happy medium grin

He is skinny - diving will build muscle tone, problem solved grin

Erm... what were the other (daft) objections?

Oh yes, a fad, mmm, well, dd tried ballet, gymnastics and diving before settling on horseriding and athletics as her big loves.

Ds tried football, rugby, drumming, golf and archery before settling on underwater hockey and drama as his hobbies.

If they never try anything because it may be a 'fad' how will they find what they like???

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 17:02:13

Yes all together I have 3 children. And DofE = Duke of Edinburgh

MrsDeVere Mon 28-Jan-13 17:02:49

I wouldn't want my son to learn to drive because he can't walk down the street in a straight line. The thought of him behind a wheel before he is at least 30 makes me shudder.

But you do sound pretty unreasonable if you son is isolated and you don't want him to get a train but you don't want to drive him either.

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 17:03:28

DIVE! Not drive haha

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 17:04:32

At the moment all teens his age seem to want to do it even my friend's DD wants to but she lives even further away from Birmingham than me. As soon as it loses popularity all this fad will stop


JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 17:04:42

You sound quite, quite bonkers OP.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 17:05:39

Has he ever done any activities before?

bruffin Mon 28-Jan-13 17:06:00

Duke of Edinburgh award which lots of 16year olds do. Part of it is taking up a new sport which op seems to think is too late on life.
When if it is a fad for a few weeks its a cheap fad as there is no new equipment equipment needed

MrsDeVere Mon 28-Jan-13 17:06:12

ooops Ha ha ha ha.

Mind son....on a diving board...way up there.....<shudder>


Take your son to the swimming pool or let him take a train. He is 16!

everlong Mon 28-Jan-13 17:06:20

You won't want him driving either I wouldn't have thought.

cory Mon 28-Jan-13 17:06:43

How is learning to be independent and look after yourself a fad?

Remember- those dodgy people you worry about will still be around in two years' time. But then he will not just be encountering them in busy city centres in the late afternoon with plenty of people around, but in bars and at parties and down lonely streets at 2 o'clock in the morning. His life may well depend on the self reliance and independent judgment he acquires now.

Let's just repeat this once more: Your Son Is Nearly An Adult. Very shortly, you will not have any say in what he does or where he goes. If he is to be safe, he needs to start practising.

Pandemoniaa Mon 28-Jan-13 17:07:27

It might be a fad but does that matter? Surely it is more important that he gets the chance to make that decision for himself and, as part of making that decision, he also gets the sensible level of independence you'd expect for a 16 year old. You really shouldn't try to control him over this. Also, is it that far from the outskirts of Birmingham to the City Centre? Only you give the impression that the travel involved is on a par with trekking the Kalahari.

VariousBartimaeus Mon 28-Jan-13 17:07:29


My DB was regularly getting a bus (1 hours journey) into the centre of Birmingham, clubbing until god knows what time, then drunkenly getting the bus back again at 2, 3, 4am...

The only thing "bad" that happened to him was falling asleep, waking in a panic and getting off the bus...30 minutes walk too early grin

I once went with him when he was 18 (and I was 16) and was shock that he used to get pissed, stagger back to the bus stop, fall asleep on the ground hmm until someone kindly poked him when the bus arrived.

So, several years of that and he never once got mugged/attacked/raped.

He needs to learn some independance and learn how to look after himself.

BackforGood Mon 28-Jan-13 17:07:38

Well I'm going to take offence on behalf of Birmingham!
It's not that dodgy! Loads of people about at that time on a Sunday evening, and it's not like it's even dark.
My ds was getting the train in and out on a Friday evening (coming home around 9.30) when he was 14. 16 sounds quite late to be starting to make your first journeys without your Mum.
Does it really matter if he's "good at" something ? - Surely if it's something he is enjoying, then that should be fine.

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 17:12:10

I feel sorry for your son tbh, and really hope this isn't real.

So your DS doesn't go, the fad comes and goes, and he loses the chance to gain a bit of confidence and self-esteem.

He also resents you (possibly for years) for not letting him do it.

How is that a good outcome?

Do you crush your other children's ambitions then or just the 16 year olds?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 28-Jan-13 17:14:41

In a few years there will be a

my mil is so overbearing, she tries to control everything. My dh has no confidence because he was never allowed to do anything, mil even stopped him taking up a sport he was really keen to do. She put one obstacle after another in front of him. He's still is so gutted about that bla bla bla


JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 17:14:46

We spend a bloody fortune on something ds really isn't terribly good at, because he enjoys it.

Or is that not allowed either, OP?

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 17:16:31

Oh and he knows he's not terribly good at it. I'm just pleased he keeps at it instead of dropping out like some of the quick-win seeking kids who give up as soon as they realise they're not always going to win.

Oblomov Mon 28-Jan-13 17:21:54

"I could understand driving all that way if he was younger and good at it but starting diving at 16 just for a hobby seems to far. I mean he said it could lead to competitions if he is any good but it just seems to be a complete fad. "
Op, YABU. I think you are not only overprotective but very odd.
So what if he gives it up.
A large % of the population do things for fun, not because its going to lead to an olympic medal.
Plus many many Mn'ers kids have tried karate/piano/recorder/etc etc and then given up.
So what.
You want him never to try?
You are mad. As a march hare.

Fakebook Mon 28-Jan-13 17:37:38

A bit late to the thread, but what is your issue OP, the fact he wants to dive or that it's far away and you don't want him out alone? Seems the latter to me, and if so, yabvu. Stop smothering him. You will regret it later in life.

Gawd, I hate parents who think you should only do something if its useful in the future, no, you should do something because you enjoy it, and, every skill is useful in the future anyway.

Your reasonings are so mind boggling ridiculous its unreal.

"I could understand driving all that way if he was younger and good at it but starting diving at 16 just for a hobby seems too far. I mean he said it could lead to competitions if he is any good but it just seems to be a complete fad."
Let me suggest how this may come across to your 16 year old son, Sandy11.

'You're too old to take up a sport and expect to be any good at it, and hobbies should involve minimal effort because hey, it's just something you do to make the time pass quicker, really not important to me. And it's not like you're going to stay interested in this, is it? Either way, I don't care enough about you to drive you there, and I don't care enough about what you want to let you go yourself on the train, because IMO you are incapable of the train journey, you weedy skinny nothing.'


And breathe.

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 17:52:35

I always love him and support him WhereYouLeftIt ! But it is just I don't trust people out there especially since he will be on his own in a city.

Crinkle77 Mon 28-Jan-13 17:54:08

YABU as he is old enough to travel on his own and it is not late at night. Something could happen to him just round the corner from home. It all depends though on what public transport is like on a sunday evening. What would happen if he missed his train? Is there much of a wait for the next one? Maybe the first time you could do the journey with him.

cory Mon 28-Jan-13 17:54:56

Sandy11 Mon 28-Jan-13 17:52:35
"I always love him and support him WhereYouLeftIt ! But it is just I don't trust people out there especially since he will be on his own in a city."

So what will happen in two years time when he is officially an adult and has to go out into the big bad world either to attend university or earn a living?!!!

ToomuchWaternotWine Mon 28-Jan-13 17:56:23

I have read this thread with increasing desperation, as the OP just keeps coming up with worse and worse excuses.

OP, I was the youngest girl in my family and most over protected by FAR among my friends, in fact my parents were a standing joke with my group of friends. But even I had a 9pm curfew on weekends, in the days before mobiles, at age 16. What were the results of my parents over protectiveness?

1. I resented them, mocked them and felt hostile towards them.
2. I became an excellent liar. I got out of the habit of telling my parents what I was really doing, keeping things back. This teenage habit has continued into adulthood, I still don't talk much to them about the vital issues in my life, it's can be quite a shallow, though loving and well meant, relationship. It's almost as though I've become over protective TO them, as if they "couldn't handle the truth"
3. When I went away to Uni aged 18, I couldn't handle it at first. Came home after freshers week sobbing, feeling like the complete country bumpkin with no social skills or street savvy, which is exactly what I was. I was lucky to have an excellent room mate who helped me a lot, but I could have had a much better first year than I did. I wasn't ready, they didn't help me prepare.

And yes, if you can't try something out simply for the "giving it a go" value, for fun, just to see if you like it, at age sixteen when can you????? At least he wants to do something healthy, sporty, and fun. He's not wanting to try group sex or mainlining H. And yes, he's 16, could be married, having a job, Christ even technically a father himself!!

OP the entire thread is saying YABU. Wake up and smell the coffee, mama.

shockers Mon 28-Jan-13 17:58:30

At the moment all teens his age seem to want to do it even my friend's DD wants to but she lives even further away from Birmingham than me. As soon as it loses popularity all this fad will stop.

Lift share... problem solved!

cory Mon 28-Jan-13 18:00:03

Not sure that is the problem solved, shockers: it leaves the far greater problem of how this poor lad is going to get some independent and some opportunity of developing his own judgment before society expects him to cope as an adult.

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 18:01:04

"it is just I don't trust people out there especially since he will be on his own in a city."

Is this the real problem OP?

You really need to recognise that you have a problem with this, which you are inflicting on your son.

You can't keep him out of cities forever. Some of us (god forbid!) grew up in cities!

This is a great opportunity for both of you to get used to him having a little independence, you as well as him need the practice!

cory Mon 28-Jan-13 18:01:13

Very shortly, he will have the vote, and this is a lad you don't even expect to know if he wants to go swimming or play tennis. Do you let him choose between pink and white icecream, OP?

You may well do Sandy11, but can you see how he will perceive your objections? Which frankly, are a bit ridiculous.

So what if it's a fad? That's what your teenaged years are for, trying stuff out to see if you like it. So what if he doesn't commit to it? Who said that was compulsory? TBH, I just can't take those objections seriously, because I think it all boils down to you wanting to keep him as a dependent child and not an adolescent growing in to his independence. Yes it is a bit scary watching them become adults, but it's going to happen so help him, don't hinder him.

Either drive him, or let him spend his own money on train fares (preferably the latter).

You said in your OP "He is quite shy and has not had many hobbies." All the more reason to support his desire to try diving/getting the train/becoming independent.

katiecubs Mon 28-Jan-13 18:07:12

Oh dear you sound like a nutter OP

aldiwhore Mon 28-Jan-13 18:07:17

Let him go.

Or suffocate him more and he'll leave for good or be too scared to live.

What do you want FOR your son (not for yourself).

I used to do synchronised swimming, I was shit at it, it didn't lead onto anything but I loved every single second of it and therefore it was a worth life experience.

I actually want to shake you OP. Sorry.

He's 16. How exactly are you going to stop him?

BeebiesQueen Mon 28-Jan-13 18:08:20

did you watch any of the olympics sandy? inparticular teh female rowers. It may have escaped your attention but 2 of them (at least) took up rowing less than 4 years ago and they managed to medal in the olympic games (I cant remember what medals they got, but I have a feeling it was gold)

So what if he's 16, if he wants to go and can afford it I say good luck to him. If he chooses to do this anyway (because legally you actually cant really stop him!) in 4 years time he could be stood on the olympic podum thinking my mum didnt support me in this.
Or in a years time when he does his first diving comp and comes last after 1 stupid mistake he could think whats the point my mum doesnt support me and you will have distroyed the little bit of confidence he has and lead him to drop the only hobby to have bought him confidence independance and joy.

Now I realise these situations are largely hypothetical, however, either way he will hear 'my mum doesnt support me' and that is what will ring in his ears whatever the out come.

everlong Mon 28-Jan-13 18:08:31

OP did you NC for this or are you new?

Birnamwood Mon 28-Jan-13 18:10:07

It's better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all.

Your excuses op are getting weaker and weaker. Your lad wants to get out and start living his life, you, are stopping him.

So what if its a fad. At least he'll be getting out there and living his life, doing something that HE wants to do. Stop putting up barriers and let him have his wings.

Btw, you say he's skinny? Maybe diving will put a bit of meat on his bones. Have you seen those divers? They're ripped. It's not just about jumping off boards you know, there is a lot of other training involved too ie gym. Would you rather he get out and exercising or sat in your home playing Xbox?

Is he shy because he finds it hard to she'd himself of the cotton wool!

Birnamwood Mon 28-Jan-13 18:11:39

And, I have lived in both Stoke and Birmingham.

He's safer in Brum

voddiekeepsmesane Mon 28-Jan-13 18:56:48

OMG it's 4-6pm not fucking 4-6am and on a Sunday so fairly quiet. Jesus stop with the cotton wool and allow the boy to go for it. he maybe the next big thing in diving. And if it's a fad then it won't last long especially in the cold dark months.

But no you have all the answers OP and won't be told otherwise why the hell did you even post? Yet again another IABU ...yes you are...NO I AM NOT! hmm

OP, give him til he's 17 tells you to Fuck off and enlists in the army. They'll be stuff all you can do to stop him. Or just let him be the man he really is.

He's not 16 months.

Remotecontrolduck Mon 28-Jan-13 19:04:43

I think your son should just walk out the door and go to diving OP. and probably not come back.

You are crushing his self esteem, confidence and ability to be an independent adult.

The only danger to him is you. Get some help.

JustAHolyFool Mon 28-Jan-13 19:12:19

OP, you are making a rod for your back. My parents were really strict with me and I went fucking mental when I got to uni - drugs, drink, sleeping around, spent all my money in about a week...

exoticfruits Mon 28-Jan-13 19:14:16

I would get some counselling for your anxiety problems.
Most people would be thrilled that they were wanting to take up diving in the afternoons as opposed to being out in the evening and getting the last train home.
Hopefully your DS will just announce that he is going and he has arranged it all.

GiveMeSomeSpace Mon 28-Jan-13 19:15:40

Ya gotta let him grow up! He's going to have to deal with the big wide world sooner rather than later, and if he's not learning to do yet, he'd better start soon.

Viviennemary Mon 28-Jan-13 19:21:43

This is beyond being over-protective it is just plain ridiculous. Sixteen is quite old enough to travel by train on a Sunday afternoon. And I agree it will do him good starting a new interest and meeting new friends.

Pandemoniaa Mon 28-Jan-13 19:22:44

But it is just I don't trust people out there especially since he will be on his own in a city.

But you already live in a city. Also, does he not travel to school alone? Or have any activities outside the house? Only a 16 year old should be enjoying a social life. Do you allow him to go out in the evening at all? Only keeping him smothered in cotton wool is likely to make him less safe.

exoticfruits Mon 28-Jan-13 19:24:46

Do you not think it a little silly that someone who is able to drive himself in less than 12 months can't get a train and walk from the station at teatime?!

magimedi Mon 28-Jan-13 19:25:44

Sandy11 - You are almost an abusive parent to your son. Let him go & do what he wants to do.

I have posted the following quote for as long as I have been using the internet & I still think it rings true:

Kahlil Gibran

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable."

Read that I think about it - really, really think.

voddiekeepsmesane Mon 28-Jan-13 19:31:04

magimedi love it . I know it can be hard but you have to let them live OP.

magimedi Mon 28-Jan-13 19:34:28

and think about it not I think about it - but I have thought about it a lot. And you need to also.

Goodadvice1980 Mon 28-Jan-13 19:39:33


littleduckie Mon 28-Jan-13 19:42:12

I'm confused. You live on the outskirts of Birmingham and then you say Stoke - Stoke is not on the outskirts of Birmingham.

exoticfruits Mon 28-Jan-13 19:45:31

I love that poem magimedi and think it ought to be given to every parent at birth!

It could be the making of him !

Go for it ! Both of you x

helpyourself Mon 28-Jan-13 19:53:58

I hope this is a reverse AIBU. OP I am on my knees with tiredness due to ferrying dcs around this weekend. 2am bed on Saturday, as I drove to collect dd, also aged 16 from a party. I did it happily as I want her to make friends (new school) and I sent her there by train and taxi n the dark from London. Another 3 hours driving various dcs around and arranging lifts for another one...And I'm an anxious, over parenting mother hen- that's what mobile phones are for!

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 19:54:43

OP all I can think about whilst reading your comments is all the incredibly successful sports men and women who thank their parents publicly for their unconditional support during their childhoods. Yes, 16 may be late to come to a sport, but it does happen and people can go on to be hugely successful. Do you really want to be the person who prevented their son from success because you didn't want to drive him and were too terrified to release him from your grasp to get the train?

It's really really sad.

There is nothing dodgy about the centre of Bham, much less at 6pm.

FutTheShuckUp Mon 28-Jan-13 20:20:32

Stoke is nowhere near Birmingham, its a close to Birmingham as Lincoln is.
And why dont you trust people? And do you not realise how utterly unhinged you sound? Please get some help for YOUR issues as I was your son and you were my mum many years back- it just resulted in lots of lying, sneaking around and resentment

ladymariner Mon 28-Jan-13 23:46:23

Way back up post I said the Op sounded a really nasty piece of work......I was right. Add 'unhinged' to that as well for good measure.

BertieBotts Mon 28-Jan-13 23:54:34

OP maybe you should see your GP about your anxiety. It really doesn't sound healthy.

sashh Tue 29-Jan-13 07:31:41

I don't think we need to drag out the melodramatic competitive statements of "When I was 16, I..."

I think we do because I don't think any of them are particularly daring / would put someone in danger. I think they just show the OP the wide variety of things 16 year olds do and can do and have done.

Let him try for 3 months and see!

socharlotte Tue 29-Jan-13 09:29:59

OP, give him til he's 17 tells you to Fuck off and enlists in the army. They'll be stuff all you can do to stop him.
Under 18s need parental consent according to the British Army website

UnhappyDaughter Tue 29-Jan-13 09:31:04

(Name changed for this post)

OP, I am your 16 year old son. Except, along the way I've morphed into a late 30-something woman.

When I was in my teens I was a really shy, lonely teenager. I recognised that I needed social activities outside school. So I begged my parents to let me go to a drama youth group… Id thought this would be ideal. They hummed and harred and made excuses. It was about 20 mins walk on a nearby housing estate (of the middle-class new build kind, in a respectable home counties small town).

In my GCSE year, I lost my dad, flunked my exams and went to nearby 6th form college, instead of school 6th form. I left most of my friends behind, and didn't really make new ones apart from class mates to chat to in lessons & the cafeteria.

My mum was uber-neurotic and ridiculously over protective. I wasn't allowed to go up to London, even though it was only an hour on the train. I didn't even really have a 'curfew' as such, as I couldn't get out under her restrictive criteria, such as not walking home after dark, even tea time in winter. A lift had to be with a parent, not a friend who'd passed their test.

I had no self-esteem or confidence to get a Saturday job and be financially independent with regard to teenager-y stuff like music, cinema tickets, going out socialing etc. She only gave me a tiny amount of pocket money (enough for a magazine/chocolate bar).

My mum had a driving license, but was too anxious and phobic about driving, so my freedom was severely curtailed in that regard. She sold my dad's car when he died as she wouldn't use it. I remember begging her to let me learn to drive and get a car we could share, but she was paranoid I'd crash, or be killed by a drunk driver. I think at the time the running costs for a small car were about £25 a week (early '90's). That felt so out of my league in the same way a £200,000 Porshe would seem to most of you reading.

My mum also belitted my interests as well, like that the local Amnesty International group would be full of dangerous lefties, or I shouldn't study Sociology, as "there's no such thing as society".

I ended up dropping out of college a few weeks before my A Levels, as I was so depressed and lonely I hadn't really done any work for them. I spent a year practically house bound with extreme social phobia and under the care of a mental health social worker, I couldn't even go and sign on, I was so terrified of the prospect.

Somehow, I got back into college the following year and did my A Levels and on to University. But the constant feeling of being belittled for my own values and interests has never left me. I am stuck in an extreme poverty mentality, that I am just not worth any wage, and even a minimum wage job seems so out of my league, because my mum didn't value my social life and psychological well being when I was younger. I've never held down a permanent job in my life… just drifted in and out of low paid office temping work & the like since uni. You can imagine how shit that makes me feel. I'm married now, but very little money of my own, just a few £ what I can make on Ebay etc now and then. I'm ok now, if a bit shy, in general social gatherings, but I'm so terrified of interviews and work situations that I'm like a rabbit in the headlights. I've been sacked on the spot in jobs for not getting basic tasks right due to anxiety. I'm effectively unemployable, I have a degree and am pleasant and personable, but I have no confidence or skills.

I'm sat here typing this in tears. Please, Sandy11… this is what over protective parenting does to the human psyche down the years . Please do not let your son become like me. If anything, you need to be pushing him out of the nest. Please give him a personal allowance to be able to go off and follow interests and do teenager-y things. What happened to me couldn't be any worse than if I had been an outgoing socialising teenager and got mugged/raped on the way home from a club or whatever.

curryeater Tue 29-Jan-13 09:35:56

Huge hugs for unhappydaughter. you have articulated all that so well. I am sorry you still feel so limited by your experiences, and I am hoping you will find a way out.

PessaryPam Tue 29-Jan-13 09:37:32

So sorry Unhappy. We have forced ourselves to let our daughters go even though I have had times of intense private worry about them because the point of parenting is to produce happy and functional human beings. Keeping them is an emotional prison is completely toxic for their development.

Unhappy, I hope you can continue to rebuild your life and get back on track.

OP you need to let your DS risk a little, and it is a very minuscule risk, as the rewards are so high.

socharlotte Tue 29-Jan-13 09:47:47

'What happened to me couldn't be any worse than if I had been an outgoing socialising teenager and got mugged/raped on the way home from a club or whatever. ' think!!!!!

I don't know unhappy, I don't think most of your examples were all that unreasonable.You do seem very good at blaming everything that is wrong in your life on your mum.

bruffin Tue 29-Jan-13 10:04:59

My ds got mugged. It wasn't the end of the world. He got over it pretty quickly and carried on with his life. I think he was 15 at time coming home from school.
It was 4pm in daylight and he wasnt alone, and with lots of people around which meant thankfully a few witnesses. Boys eventually got arrested and prosecuted.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 10:06:08

Unhappydaughter. That's awful sad

Socharlotte. That's harsh! Bringing up a child to be terrified of everything and with so much negativity can leave them crippled emotionally. It has a huge profound effect. As much affect in my opinion as anything physical, so i see what unhappydaughter means by saying its as bad as being attacked.

My own nan was a nervous anxious person and was overprotective of her children. Both of her children were left with anxiety issues which left both her children unable to work for the rest of their lives, with anxiety disorders and one of them couldn't even leave the house.

UnhappyDaughter Tue 29-Jan-13 10:06:20

Charlotte, My problems also stem from being bullied at school, so it's not all about my mum. And I do realise that at least by my late teens I should have had agency for my own happiness and wellbeing. However, at that stage, I was in grief for losing my dad, and was in a deep downward spiral of depression, low self esteem and social phobia by then. I'm just saying that a certain level of over-protectiveness is deeply unhealthy and lead to negative outcomes in adulthood.

Maybe I was a bit flippant about my last comment for which I apologise, it's one of those eternal what if's, but I've known people who've been through those experiences and are resilient and come out the other side stronger. Sorry, I shouldn't really compare an acute trauma like that to an unhappy overprotective home life, they're not comparable… just I think a happy medium leads to the best outcome for young adults.

socharlotte Tue 29-Jan-13 10:06:43

Ok -being raped on your way home fom school is no biggie than is it?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 10:11:54

No one said that charlotte hmm

Just that both have a huge effect on a person. For me, i was sexually abused and also grew up in a anxious household where i had very low self esteem and was isolated. Both have affected me in different ways but the anxiety i experienced everyday is the one which affects me on a daily basis because it trickled through into everything. Every decision i make, every relationship i started is different because of that. The sexual abuse only affects me in certain situations. Anyway its not a competition which you seem to think it is!

cory Tue 29-Jan-13 10:12:20

socharlotte Tue 29-Jan-13 10:06:43
"Ok -being raped on your way home fom school is no biggie than is it? "

That is not what UnhappyDaughter is saying! She chose that example precisely because we all know that being raped is a horrendous thing that can leave you damaged for life. So she is using it to tell us that what happened to her has also left her damaged for life. Seems reasonable to me.

helpyourself Tue 29-Jan-13 10:12:36

I don't know what you read socharlotte!

UnhappyDaughter Tue 29-Jan-13 10:24:03

Sorry for opening up a sensitive subject for you Charlotte. I've said they're not the same thing, it's like comparing tables and hats or whatever. However, people suffer traumas in different ways, and one kind of trauma doesn't negate another kind of trauma. Both lead to different outcomes and life circumstances and can affect people in unpredictable ways.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 10:26:16

What was your degree in unhappydaughter?

UnhappyDaughter Tue 29-Jan-13 10:32:28

Social science with Sociology, ironically enough grin

I wasn't interested in the subject when my mum tried to put me off it, but there were a few interesting sociology modules I wanted to take at uni & I ended up graduating with joint honours smile

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 10:43:01

Wow! Good for you smile

UnhappyDaughter Tue 29-Jan-13 10:46:04

Thanks! smile

Sandy11 if you read just one post please let that be unhappydaughter's who has bravely shared details of her terrible time as a result of an overprotective parent to show you that trying to protect your son basically from living may well do him more harm in the long run than what you are afraid of.

Socharlotte I presume you have personal experience of rape or assault which has led you to totally miss the point unhappydaughter is trying to make, that her traumatic childhood has had just as profound an effect on her life as violent assault may have. She is not minimising the effects such an assault can have, merely using that as an example to show just what a terrible effect over protectiveness can also have.

Please let him go. So, it's a fad. So what? He'll probably have fun. And it's not even your money or time he'll not be wasting.

bruffin Tue 29-Jan-13 11:26:05

Yellowdinosaur is so right.
Ops worst fear is her son will be attacked/ mugged. But the damage in being over protective could easily be far worse. You can often get over a one off scary incident quite quickly but it much harder to get overvalued lifetime of conditioning that the world is a scary place.

bruffin Tue 29-Jan-13 11:31:21

Yellowdinosaur is so right.
Ops worst fear is her son will be attacked/ mugged. But the damage in being over protective could easily be far worse. You can often get over a one off scary incident quite quickly but it much harder to get overvalued lifetime of conditioning that the world is a scary place.

Astelia Tue 29-Jan-13 12:19:23

I feel sorry for your son OP. I wouldn't blame him from wanting to get away from your stifling care and lack of help as soon as he can.

Drive him to the class or let him take the train, don't be such a controlling nightmare. Poor child.

Also it's about risk isn't it ?

The chances are that he can go across town or whatever on a Sunday afternoon and evening and be OK, meet other people, and take part in an activity and exercise he enjoys which will add to his quality of life hugely, both now and in the future.

Sure there may be some increased risks from doing this, but as others have pointed out there are also some risks from not doing it.

He will probably be fine - life is for living OP !

Kendodd Tue 29-Jan-13 16:50:32

If this is a reverse AIBU please show your mum this thread.

Genuine question if anyone knows the answer to this. If things are as the OP describes imo this is very damaging for the OP's son, is there anywhere he can get any help?

Disclaimer- my mum was like this, I suffered terrible mental health problems while living at home as a result, I ran away at 15 (best thing I have ever done) and never went back. I resent my mum to this day and have a very poor relationship with her even now, I'm 43.

So you won't drive him and don't want him catching a train, sounds to me like your real issue is you don't want him to have a life that doesn't include you.

Don't be surprised if he runs for the hills as soon as he is old enough and doesn't bother to visit more than once a year

magimedi Tue 29-Jan-13 19:35:24

I read something today that resonates with this thread:

You give your children both roots & wings.

jammic Tue 29-Jan-13 20:22:04

Deluded as I probably am, I've been scanning through looking for a happy ending. Go on OP, let him go.

Kenndodd I would believe social services could/may be able to help as it is a form of abuse, because she's deliberately setting herself in the way of her son having any kind of life.

deste Tue 29-Jan-13 21:10:25

The legal for getting married in Scotland is 16.

You can get married in England under 17 with parental permission, so in this case in England, I believe he would still fall under the jurisdiction of the SS

exoticfruits Wed 30-Jan-13 08:35:51

Many mothers are waving off their teenagers as they go to Afganistan- I bet they would swap it for the terror of 'strange people' that might be encountered at a Sunday tea time between the railway station and home!

socharlotte Wed 30-Jan-13 09:13:12

You will have to go with him the first time anyway I would have thought to sign consent forms rtc.Why don't you go by train to weigh up what the risks are?

mrsjay Wed 30-Jan-13 09:17:26

sorry I know the thread has probbaly moved on he is 16 and you dont want him going on the train he needs some independance when do you think it will be ok for him to be out and about on his own. let him try it out least he doesn't want to be sitting in his room playing xbox all day and night like some kids his age he wants to do something. I was working at 16 I left school

Just thinking though that this is surely something we all have to deal with as our children become teenagers and increasingly independent. It is a challenge to know when and what to say "yes" to, and to cope with our own feelings as well as theirs on each step of that journey.

Sandy is maybe just showing that she's more anxious than most, but I agree she needs to challenge that in herself, and/or get some support for how she's feeling and acting, for her son's benefit as well as her own.

mrsjay Wed 30-Jan-13 09:22:54

I agree with you juggiling It is her own feelings she needs to deal with we can't keep them at our side forever, I have never been anxious about independence and I did it with my teens at age appropriate times IYSWIM I just think at 16 he is to old to be told no to go on the train,

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