To be upset that DH has quit his job and is still spending?

(64 Posts)
lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 17:52:29

My DH has been unhappy in his work for a while and made the decision to leave his job just before Christmas with nothing else to go to. We have two DC aged 5 and 2, I stay at home with the children at the moment although have been applying for jobs since the New Year. I have been supportive of his decision as I know how unhappy he was, and I don't want to see him depressed, he is a good man and father, he just seems lost as to his purpose in life. Anyway, this has all come about as even though he has taken the odd temp work since Xmas our income is significantly less obviously and we will struggle to meet our mortgage and bills tomorrow, we are aware of this and he has work for this week through an agency. We will have to go massively overdrawn to cover payments and I am worried, I am just do upset as this afternoon he announced he needed break down cover ASAP for his car and that would be 24 pound. I explained we were already going to go overdrawn tomorrow and couldn't he wait until he had a stable job before taking it out? He has never had it before, his work this week is 10 miles away and I do understand if he breaks down he needs it but just doesn't seem essential at this moment considering we are going to struggle to find food money. He says I'm unreasonable and don't care about him or his safety, which is untrue. I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. I don't think I am though. I am feeling quote depressed recently and am unsure if this is clouding my perception of things? Please be kind, I am feeling vulnerable, we are not lazy nor have we ever relied on benefits, he has always supported us and I worked part time inbetween my first and second child, my partner worked 60 hour weeks away from home a lot so it made sense for me to SAH. Would appreciate any advice , thanks

Gigondas Sun 27-Jan-13 17:55:15

Yanbu to be concerned - have you sat down and discussed in detail finances, how it will work with childcare if you work, what you will do to meet shortfall , what benefits if any you are eligible to work for.

I can see both sides about breakdown cover but can see if you are overdrawn it is too much now.

mellowcat Sun 27-Jan-13 17:58:25

YANBU. It sounds as though everything is tough at the moment. Maybe your husband feels like everything is spiralling out of control and wants to put safety nets around himself and your family (like the breakdown cover) as a way of feeling safe and in control over something.

I really hope things start looking up for you all soon.

newNN Sun 27-Jan-13 18:02:07

Wrt the breakdown cover, I would say that its necessity depends upon how likely your car is to break down. if it is a new car, no problems etc then it is not a priority, but if it is prone to breaking down then the cover will be much cheaper than the bill if you were to break down without it!

As for the rest, I think it is really irresponsible to quit a job without having a new one to go to, especially when you have dc and a mortgage and a partner who is also not in paid employment. I think he was selfish to do this and you may struggle to get benefits if he has made himself unemployed.

Agree that you need to go through all income and outgoings - cancel anything non essential and make an appt at citizens advice/call the benefits people and see if you can get some help.

Talk to your mortgage company - they may give you a couple of months payment break from the mortgage, which would take the pressure off a bit. Do you have mortgage insurance to cover periods of unemployment?

TheProvincialLady Sun 27-Jan-13 18:04:12

Your husband was very irresponsible to leave his job without another to go to especially at the moment. He was unhappy in his job but he's going to be an awful lot more unhappy if he loses his home and his credit status. If you don;t have £24 to spend on breakdown cover, you don't have it and can't spend it. If I was you I would take 100% control of the finances at the moment. How much effort is he making to find a proper job? I hope that one of you is able to find stable work soon. Good luck.

PootlePosyPerkin Sun 27-Jan-13 18:04:39

To address the breakdown cover issue, sign yourself up online with Green Flag. Your cover will commence immediately & there is no down payment. You will need to sign up to monthly DD payments which are about £9.50 per month for a high level of cover. Costs you nothing today & he can drive about worry free.

With regard to the spending issue, then no YANBU. Essential bills & food must come first.

thebody Sun 27-Jan-13 18:04:45

Agree above posters. Unemployment and struggling with lack of money are incredibly stressful.

The only way to keep your head above the water is to talk honestly about money, know how much you can spend each week, have a plan and understand what benefits if any you can claim.

I don't think it's wise to argue about why he gave up his job as its done now. Would he like to be a SAHD while you work?

TheProvincialLady Sun 27-Jan-13 18:06:16

No mortgage protection will cover someone leaving their job without another to go to I'm afraid. But newNN's advice is good. You need to treat this very seriously.

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 18:06:36

Thankyou, yes we have discussed our finances together, and we walkways planned onto returning to work this sept when DS starts pre-school, as up to now the childcare costs have outweighed the benefits of us both working. I don't have a job to return to as my last position was a temporary contract with a council, I have a degree and was thinking of doing a PGCE next year but unsure we can afford it now. He needs to find something he enjoys and feels valued in and I have tried to help him with his cv, searching for jobs, covering letters etc. I don't think he wants to put up a safety net, he just see's it as something he needs and should have. It is difficult and I wouldn't question him needing cover normally.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 18:07:28


My husband lost his job through redundancy before Xmas and hasnt found anything else yet, neither have I as I was SAHM before that. The thought of someone giving up their job voluntarily in this climate has left me gobsmacked!

Was he perhaps under the impression that he would walk into something else straight away? Is that why he is being a bit of an arse at the moment, because he is angry that his gamble didnt work out the way he thought it would?

I agree re the breakdown cover that if your car is not very reliable then yes, you do need it. But I would not be at all happy about it. Did he not have a plan about how you would pay the bills and mortgage? You say you supported him, did you not sit down and work out a plan of action?

I think that you need to sit down now, tonight, and work out your outgoings, your income and see what can be pared back. I agree with talking to your mortgage company, and make sure you are claming everything you can such as free school meals (they have made a massive difference to our food bills). What do you spend on food shopping? With 4 of you you could easily feed you all for £30 a week. OK so it wont be haute cuisine but it will be healthy and filling.

Gigondas Sun 27-Jan-13 18:10:21

Agree with nn and others about naïveté of quitting without a job to go to but am shock about wanting something that is going to make him happy and fulfilled. Sure that is nice but if money is right , he should take what he can with a family to support.

specialsubject Sun 27-Jan-13 18:10:25

I thought you would say he was out boozing or gaming. Breakdown cover is not a luxury. A tow will cost a LOT more than that.

it must have been real hell at work, given that you are so skint you have to worry about £24, when the income stopped a month ago. Wishing you better times and please get help to look at your expenses.

somedayillbesaturdaynite Sun 27-Jan-13 18:20:36

How long was he in employment for before? might be worth checking out contribution-based JSA as it's up to £71pw and not means tested but based on National Insurance contributions over last 2 years, payable for up to 6 months

HollyBerryBush Sun 27-Jan-13 18:22:33

I'm shocked TBH that you DH, no matter how he dislikes his job, would put the family home in jeopardy.

I doubt many of us like our jobs that much, they are a means to an end. Ie putting food on the table and a roof over heads.

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 18:23:35

I agree he shouldn't have left before finding something else, and I did say to him at the time I would be unhappy if he did, but ultimately he was desperately unhappy and as his wife I had to support his decision despite my concerns. He is actively seeking work and has interviews lined up and I am confident he will get something soon. We live frugally anyway and have pared down our lifestyle to as far as we can, one of the decisions we made when we decided I would stay at home with our children. I have said to him how irresponsible he is especially when many others are being made redundant. I know breakdown isn't a luxury but I honestly thought we could wait a while as his car hasn't broken down in the last year.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 18:36:50

as his wife I had to support his decision despite my concerns

Errr... no you dont!

There are times when you have to say "Look, dont be a dick. We have bills and a mortgage to pay! I will look for a job, you look for another job and the second that one of us gets something, hand in your notice".

Or as my H just said "Unless they were sticking knives up his arse, he should put up with it until he gets something else. No job is as bad as being homeless"

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 18:52:13

I agree with you completely, he should have stuck it out and I was firm on him, the reason I said I had to support him is I suspect he is suffering from depression and am concerned about his welfare, I don't agree with what he did and voiced it profusely.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 19:00:04

Ok. Sorry, that was a pointless post, whats done is done! If you think that he is depressed then that will be affecting how he sees things, he may be brushing it under his mental carpet and acting like nothing is wrong. Will he go to the GP?

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:04:42

It doesn't matter how "profusely" you voiced your opinion, he went ahead and jacked his job in anyway

with 2 young kids and you not working that is a spectacularly stupid thing to do

It is always easier to find another job whilst you are still in employment

has he been diagnosed with depression, seeing a doctor, getting medical help with it ?

I am really sorry love, but your husband has put your little family at risk and I think your "support" is misplaced

when you can't pay the mortgage/bills, what will he say then ? Will you give him unconditional support then ?

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:07:20

oh, and fuck the "breakdown cover" your children need to eat and you need to keep a roof over your head

have you contacted the mortgage co. and asked for a payment freeze ?

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 19:08:34

You can't claim any jobseekers if you voluntarily give your job up.

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 19:10:54

I know, he has a gp appointment booked.i just do t know what to do at all, I'm trying to be positive, help him get a job as soon as possible, applying for work myself aswell as taking care of our little ones singlehandedly. Yes he has been stupid but what am I supposed to do?

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 19:11:07

You do get income support red, if you have a family etc.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 19:12:33

aswell as taking care of our little ones singlehandedly

Why? If he isnt working out of the house then he should be working in it. Does he do housework, laundry etc? How does he fill the time when he used to be at work?

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 19:12:33

But he wouldn't get contributions based jobseekers.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 19:12:59

No, but income based which means they can still claim tax credits and FSM's

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:13:10

you are taking care of the little ones singlehandedly ?

it won't help your little family if you get burned out

if he isn't working (or just doing some agency work) make him do his share of the parenting

you are pussyfooting around him love, and it isn't helping

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:14:21

I feel really worried for you, OP x

NatashaBee Sun 27-Jan-13 19:18:44

Not very helpful to the OP, but if my husband quit his job like this, I'd leave. I feel for you OP, he has been very selfish to risk the roof over your heads. Your mortgage and council tax are priority debts, along with food and heating. Do you have any credit cards that you could negotiate a lower payment on, to free up some cash?

SirBoobAlot Sun 27-Jan-13 19:21:07

I can't believe he's done this to you, frankly. What a selfish arse.

He needs to stop looking for something that he thinks will fulfill him, and settle for something that will mean his family can continue to eat.

Whether or not he gets breakdown cover is not the biggest concern right now.

Really hope things get back on track soon.

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 19:21:59

He had been out at low paid temp jobs most days but when at home he hasn't really helped much at all, like I say he isn't himself, he is usually a hands on dad. I just hope we find something soon.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 19:25:03

Ok but what if you find something and he doesnt? Would you be happy with him at home, not doind adequate childcare or doing any housework?

There is more to this than jobs and money.

On a completely practical level, is the £24 a one-off payment or monthly? I only pay £4 a month for my Greenflag cover.

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 19:28:14

Thanks for all your advice and honesty, it has helped confirm that I'm not being unreasonable and I have a lot to think on tonight. I am going to have to toughen up on him, just don't want to send him into a deeper depression, I think I may call on some family support, I just can't do it on my own.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:30:08

No, love, you can't do it on your own

Which is the position your husband has forced you into

Speak to your family, get some support with this. That is a really good idea.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:30:35

You sound lovely btw

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 19:39:06

I agree bogeyface, I am worried if I find work how he will be at home in his current mindset. I am so angry with him right now, all he says is he isn't happy at work and couldn't do another day being spoken to like rubbish and that he's fed up of being the one who's responsibility it is to pay the bills, even though we agreed pre children I would SAH as he earned twice what I did at the time. And he's gone ahead and purchased the breakdown cover anyway, 24 pound for the year in a one off payment. Guess he's just going to do what he wants without taking my feelings into consideration.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 19:42:18

Like I said, there is more to this than jobs and money.

When money wasnt so much of an issue, was he a selfish man then? Be honest and think about it, how much time did he spend with the children? How much time did he get to himself compared to how much time you got/get?

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 20:01:42

He has always had more time to do things he wants, which has been an issue before between us since having children. He's not a selfish person usually, he is generous and when he does spend time with the children on his own he's brilliant with them, he just needs to do it more often.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 20:06:03

He has always had more time to do things he wants, which has been an issue before between us since having children.

he is generous and when he does spend time with the children on his own he's brilliant with them, he just needs to do it more often.

Do you not see that those to sentences are at odd with each other? He spends time with the kids when it suits him, he gets more time to himself and that has been pissing you off for a while.

He is not selfish usually

Yes he is. And that is issue here. A man who is unselfish, caring and generous would not plunge his family into debt and poverty without a thought. He would listen to you, talk to you, compromise with you.

But he doesnt, does he?

Tell him to move out, he can go back to his mother's or find a bedsit or something. Then you will benefits for you and the children and WHEN he gets a job, he can come home. (if you still want him to - let his precious principles keep him warm at night)
Your children need to eat and be clothed and be warm more than he needs to be a bloody soft jessy who "doesn't want to be spoken to meanly at work" well wah wah fucking wah. Tell him to bloody grow up, this is real life and HIS children need llife's little luxuries like food. Since he's now deprived them of three days worth just in case he has to walk home or get on a bus one hypothetical day confused
Has he no sense at all?

Unfortunatlyanxious Sun 27-Jan-13 20:59:09

I am suffering with severe anxiety and depression and have been signed off work.

Is he actually ill or just selfish because there is a world of difference. If he is suffering with depression he needs to go to his GP. I am afraid he does sound selfish to me. I am very ill but would still never do anything to hurt my family.

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 21:35:21

I guess he is both, I too have suffered with depression, post natal and major and I know how debilitating it can be but would never intentionally jeopardise my children. After speaking with him tonight he says he doesn't think he is risking our children as our mortgage payments are low at the moment and minimal outgoings we should be ok if he does temp work till he finds a job really likes. I have pointed out that obviously as we are having to go overdrawn that this is not the case at all. He then said, well it's your turn to get a job then and I'll stay at home. Just can't believe he is being so selfish : (

NatashaBee Sun 27-Jan-13 23:10:57

Nothing wrong with you going back to work and him being SAHD, if a) you'd both discussed and agreed to it and b) he's willing to take over all the tasks you've been doing, including looking after the kids while you job hunt. Why don't you draw up a list of tasks the stay at home parent will take responsibility for while the other one goes out to work?

NatashaBee Sun 27-Jan-13 23:12:22

And while you're at it, draw up a budget to show him what all your essential outgoings are - even if your mortgage is small, you still have other costs. There's a good planner on the moneysavingexpert site.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 00:14:55

This man is a complete dick

ENormaSnob Mon 28-Jan-13 07:35:46

If my dh just quit his job with no regards to me or our dc he would be out of here so fast his feet wouldn't touch the floor.

StewieGriffinsMom Mon 28-Jan-13 07:45:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I don't like my job tbh. It's ok, I can live with doing it, but no, it's not especially fulfilling.
But there is no way on earth, when there people being made redundant all over the place, major competition to get an interview let alone a job offer, that I would leave without another job to go back to even though we are a 2 income family. Because we wouldn't be able to pay the bills

But you know all that anyway. You know it was an idiotic thing fur your DH to do.
Reading your posts it sounds as though this is about more than that. It sounds as if you have no say in what happens.
You told him you were unhappy about him leaving his job. He did it anyway.
You told him you couldn't afford breakdown cover. He did it anyway.

It sounds like a massively unequal relationship IMHO.

So regardless if he walks into a new job tomorrow, you will still have the inequality in your marriage.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 28-Jan-13 07:53:01

YANBU, and shoulda been harder on him.

He cant even claim JSA since he quit, unless he can prove without question he didnt have a choice, and that can take ages.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Mon 28-Jan-13 07:54:02


Whocansay Mon 28-Jan-13 08:53:21

I'd take him up on his kind offer if I were you. Get a job, get some financial independance and with a bit of luck you can get rid of this selfish bastard.

What sort of father jacks in his job and risks his family's security because it makes him a bit 'unhappy'? Diddums! He needs to grow up. I guarantee bankruptcy and losing your house will be significantly more stressful.

diddl Mon 28-Jan-13 09:03:53

How selfish of him.

Work is 10 miles away this week?

Hasn´t he got a bike-or a pair of bloody legs??

OhMerGerd Mon 28-Jan-13 09:14:07

You're doing really well. Keep strong and for this next bit if your life together you're going to have to be the 'man with the plan'.
Normality will resume. You may have to go through a bit worse yet but you will get through this.
He sounds very depressed and slightly panicked to be honest. The breakdown cover sounds a bit like headless chicken trying to feel hes taken some sort of sction to prevent an impending disaster. The kind of defensive and nasty comments hes made are possibly hiding huge guilt, shame and fear. Have you heard of the expression 'jump before you're pushed'? It's possible the sudden exit wasn't as much free will as he is making out. And to come back from that with enough confidence and self esteem to resume a career rather than just exist in a job will take a lot of love and, support. He knows he's let you down, his pride is hurt and hes coping in his own way ( though you can see this is not well ) and probably only just at that. The positive is that he's not given up. He's out doing the temp jobs to keep you afloat - you may be starting to take on water but you're not sunk yet and most importantly he's not given up yet. He's got interviews lined up too and with your support, belief and encouragement he may get one of these jobs.

He feels helpless, you're feeling helpless. but you can take control and plan ahead. R

Ok so things haven't worked out as planned. You may not be able to spend the time as a SAHM and do your course now. Shit happens, we move on. You need to speak to him about the unacceptable behaviour and say you won't tolerate it and then tell him you've had some thoughts about how to get through it and then say this is what I am going to do to help. You're not telling him to do anything just telling him what you are going to do to help. He cannot stop you taking action to support you both.

Can you find work? Perhaps two of you working part time sharing the child care would bring in a better income until one of you gets a full time job? You and he would have time for the DC and if he felt the pressure was off him his depression might be helped - he's been hands on dad till now, it will do he and dc good to get this relationship back on track. . You, Speak to the bank, mortgage, family who can help and get your finances arranged before they get any worse. Another burden off you both. And as you are the one with the most perspective right now keep a clear and adult head fir you both, be gracious and forgiving and encouraging ( sounds like is your natural self anyway ). Set some deadlines( in your head) so you can review and see progress or not. Revise your plan accordingly. If in three months/ six months/ nine/ twelve etc things are not going well you can change tactic. Bring in more support etc.

Hopefully in three or six months things will have improved and you will have grown through a crisis together. If it takes longer so be it but you will get through it.

For better or worse, richer poorer etc ... Dunno if you're actually married but those sentiments around committing to a lifetime together are so overlooked these days. When it gets tough that's the time when all the love and shared experience, caring and compassion for one another gets called into action. This is the time when real love comes into play. And no it's not always equal today but it should balance out over time. And time is long - you've got another 50 / 60 years together for him to return that live to you when you need it.

Good luck . You can do it.

Can I put a different view forward, my dh had to quit a job he hated a few years ago, they were horrible to him, the money was terrible and he put up with it for years because he was trapped being the only wage earner. They put his head on the block and he rang me up every lunch time intears, it was horrible, probably the worst time in our marriage. He quit because in the end if he hadnt he would have got fired, The day I said quit to him was amazing and my lovely husband started to come back to me, no job in the world is worth your mental health. He did temp for a while and now has a lovely job thats pays more and is closer. I also went on an insane job hunt and got one, we agreed that the first person to get a job would be the one who worked. My job was part time and I got made redundant after a year but in that time dh had established himself in another job. You say your dh is doing temp work so he is trying. You need to look at your budgets, if you are going to go overdrawn phone the bank in advance, they may not be able to do anything but it will definatly help that you have told them there is a problem and not buried your heads in the sand. Your dh sounds in a very bad place right now and you dont sound far behind him, look after each other, you will get through this.

justmyview Mon 28-Jan-13 09:33:28

I suspect OP was supportive of DH's decision until reality hit home. I think that arguing over breakdown cover was like re-arranging deckchairs on the Titanic. £24 for breakdown cover is chicken feed compared with a mortgage.

I really sympathise with people who are so miserable at work. It's grim, but as others have pointed out, this isn't really the time to be leaving a job voluntarily.

That said, OP acknowledges that it was making him ill, which is different from just not feeling satisfied & fulfilled at work. In that case, maybe the right thing for them as a family is for her to be looking to return to work.

expatinscotland Mon 28-Jan-13 09:34:49

'I guess he is both, I too have suffered with depression, post natal and major and I know how debilitating it can be but would never intentionally jeopardise my children. After speaking with him tonight he says he doesn't think he is risking our children as our mortgage payments are low at the moment and minimal outgoings we should be ok if he does temp work till he finds a job really likes. I have pointed out that obviously as we are having to go overdrawn that this is not the case at all. He then said, well it's your turn to get a job then and I'll stay at home. Just can't believe he is being so selfish : ( '

Your turn? What is he, 6-years-old? Here is what will happen if you work full-time outside the home: he will do FA. FA.

You need to make alternate plans because this person doesn't put his kids first.

justmyview Mon 28-Jan-13 09:35:01

Well said ditavonteesed - I'm glad things worked out better for you in the end

expatinscotland Mon 28-Jan-13 09:36:38

He will use this depression as an excuse to do FA at home. Is he doing much now? No, not from the sounds of it.

expatinscotland Mon 28-Jan-13 09:41:59

'He had been out at low paid temp jobs most days but when at home he hasn't really helped much at all, like I say he isn't himself, he is usually a hands on dad. I just hope we find something soon.'

It's not 'helping'. It's doing your fair share. And his depression is his responsibility to get under control. You've been as supportive as you can.

lilyandoscarsmummy Mon 28-Jan-13 13:37:53

Thankyou Ditavonseed and OhMerGerd, your words have helped. He has apologised for his behaviour today and we are both focused on turning this situation around , just reached a very low point yesterday and the breakdown cover just topped it off really, like the straw that broke the camel's back. He has admitted he is feeling mentally unstable and I am here to support him as he has with me over the years in different situations. I can see hope today that he will return to his happier self and either way with me returning to work or him finding something else, at least we will get through it together, I'm not giving up on my marriage that easily. I have however said to him if he does put us in this situation again without considering us or listening to me then that will be it. So on with the job hunt..., thanks for everyone's point of view, it really has helped to help me see outside of the situation and nice to know there is support out there.

Fairyegg Mon 28-Jan-13 14:58:24

I feel very sorry for you all op. Has your dh seen his gp regarding feeling so mentally unstable? Regarding the breakdown cover my first thought is that your dh has reason to think the car will breakdown, is that a possibity which he is keeping from you? You can sign up to quid co, get the breakdown cover though them and most of the cost will be paid back though cashback, although it does take a few months to come though. I hope he manages to get a job soon in the mean time have you thought about selling on ebay, offering ironing / cleaning / babysitting service? Anything to keep your heads above water. If you have a mortage have a chat with them about taking a mortage hoilday or changing to interest only. the 'martins money saving expert' site has excellent forums full of good advice. don't be afraid to ask for help from family though, both emotional and finical.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 17:13:53

Good luck, love x

Phineyj Mon 28-Jan-13 17:28:35

OP if you want to teach look into Schools Direct - the replacement for the GTP programme. Then you can get paid while you train. I did GTP and earned around £18k while I did it, whereas I worked out a PGCE would have cost me about £30k including lost earnings (although since then the bursaries for some subjects have been reinstated so the difference isn't quite as extreme). The other benefit of training on the job is you realise much more quickly if it's for you or not. Mind you I had a very supportive DH who fed me every night, a cleaner and no DC at that stage -- do take into consideration that teaching is very very time consuming.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now