Or is DH?

(54 Posts)
Seriouslysoreboobs Sat 26-Jan-13 23:29:02

My husband works 65 hours a week plus works on computer/bb when he is home. He does a sports thing at the weekend (not in a team). When he is not at work he is renovating a house we rent out. So he is a very busy man and I completely understand this.

We have 4 dc aged 4, 3, 2 and 4 months.

AIBU to ask my husband to cancel or delay his sport thing tomorrow so he can take our DS4 to his football practice (indoor) to save me taking the 3 other children out in this weather on a 15 mile round trip and it'll be a hassle in and out the car, tantrums they don't get to stay at football (not allowed to stay and nowhere safe to watch) and generally just a headache all round.

Oh I don't have any hobbies, social life etc because my husband is a workaholic,no family nearby and babysitters are non existent in this neck of the woods!

He says he's going on his sport thing regardless. I think it is very selfish of him to choose himself over the kids. He thinks I'm overreacting.... [bhmm]

Valpollicella Sat 26-Jan-13 23:33:32

I kinda think you anbu, but might it be worth asking him before now?

Is his 'sport thing' something he might be able to do later in the day?

fairylightsinthesnow Sat 26-Jan-13 23:35:57

YANBU and you don't need us to tell you that. LTB. smile well, no, probably not for this, but clearly he isn't appreciating the whole picture. Can you contrive an illness tomorrow and MAKE him therefore have to deal with what would be YOUR day? (Ferris Beuller would recommend licking your palms to make then clammy)

Xmasbaby11 Sat 26-Jan-13 23:38:12

Gosh your situation sounds really hard. I think with 4 kids you need a day off - can't husband take all of them?! It's a bit short notice though - sort of depends what his commitment is.

LeaveTheBastid Sat 26-Jan-13 23:40:12

He is being a selfish bastard.

At what point during his week does he have any hands on involvement with his children? At what point during the week do you get to have a life?

Yes he works hard, but by the sounds of it so do you, so quite why he is more entitled to piss about with hobbies every weekend and put the above his children's needs I have no idea.

BlackStiltonBoots Sat 26-Jan-13 23:43:55

Is his sport thing something he can easily postpone? If so YWNBU to ask him to take DC to football.

Do you ever have time for yourself at the weekend? It's important you have some time to rest and recharge too.

Seriouslysoreboobs Sat 26-Jan-13 23:44:24

He can do it any time of day. He routinely take ds to football on a Sunday.

He told me an hour ago that I will just have to take all the kids with me so ds can go to training.

I had assumed that DH was doing the football run hence the reason I hadn't asked earlier, plus he only got in at 8pm from working at house.

Charmingbaker Sat 26-Jan-13 23:44:56

I think it's your situation that is unreasonable. Your husband needs some time out if he's working those hours. You need a break in your week away from the kids. Does a 4yo need a 15mile round trip for football practice?

morethanpotatoprints Sat 26-Jan-13 23:44:59

YANBU.

Why does your dh work so many hours and fill all his time away from your home. Does he ever see your dc. I would be really mad if my dh had done this. I know he has to earn a living but what about his responsibilities of husband and father.

BlackStiltonBoots Sat 26-Jan-13 23:47:30

Well if he can do his sport at any time of the day then he can take DS to football first can't he?

Does he (your H) give you any support at all? When does he see the children or do things with them?

HildaOgden Sat 26-Jan-13 23:49:02

Honestly?I think you need marriage guidance counselling.I honestly can't see how a relationship like that can work out long term.When do you all have family time?When do you have couple time?

TheArbiter Sun 27-Jan-13 05:25:15

Your family situation is completely and utterly unsustainable. The only spare time any of you has is your husband's sports time, which he doesn't even really have, because there's this gruelling 15-mile round trip to fit in, which at the moment you have to do and resent doing - and that's not unreasonable.

My honest advice: sell the house that you rent out. As things stand your family situation means that the sports thing is your husband's only spare time, which he needs. You also need spare time and don't have any. If your husband wasn't faffing about renovating a house, then maybe you'd both have spare time.

If he is the sort that would just find something else to occupy his time that didn't involve the kids, then a serious talk is needed.

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 08:42:56

Thanks everyone.

Decided ds will just need to miss football today - DH has left already.

There is no getting through to my husband. He says I get all the time I want through the week to do what I want to do - just take the kids with me hmm

Think we'll be having a very serious discussion when the kids go down to bed tonight.

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 08:46:00

Oh Arbiter - He would just fill his time with something else equally demanding.

Euphemia Sun 27-Jan-13 08:51:51

If I were you I'd have flounced out early this morning and left him to it. It's high time he appreciated what you do!

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 08:59:07

Euphemia - I did think of that but not so practical when the baby has been up 3 times during night and its not fair to drag him out in this weather just because I want to prove a point. Although if I wasn't ebf I would've been out the door in a shot!

Emilythornesbff Sun 27-Jan-13 09:02:56

he says I get all the time I want during the week to do what I want to do - just take the Kids with me shock angry shock
I honestly don't know what to suggest.
I hope someone else has something helpful to say.
Good luck

Euphemia Sun 27-Jan-13 09:04:13

Oh I see - didn't realise you were ebf. smile

He is very unreasonable! Stern words needed indeed.

HazleNutt Sun 27-Jan-13 09:15:38

So when is your own time supposed to be? Without DC? If your DH believes you can easily do everything with kids in tow, he could take the kids along for his activities, right?

ivanapoo Sun 27-Jan-13 09:16:26

Leave all the kids except baby with him one day next weekend.

I mean surely he can do whatever he wants to do, he just has to take the kids with him - right?

ivanapoo Sun 27-Jan-13 09:17:08

Xpost with hazel - great minds think alike etc

Can't you hire someone to work on the house you rent out ? to free up some time. I totally get you - I have 3 DS - 4, 2, and 4 months and are knackered most of the time ! YANBU !

BeeBawBabbity Sun 27-Jan-13 09:27:23

Wow, you both sound crazily busy and it must be exhausting.

I can understand why your husband would treasure his free time, and obviously you have very valid reasons too. I think you did the right thing missing the football. It is way less important than your stress levels.

It'll only get easier as the kids get older, cling on to that! In the meantime, hats off, I couldn't do it.

Euphemia Sun 27-Jan-13 09:28:21

Yeah - do it! Get up as if you're just going to attend to baby, but you have hidden your clothes downstairs and you get dressed and go out with baby! Leave him a note saying "Off out for the day. If you need time out of the house, that'll be fine, because you can just take the kids with you, right? Don't save dinner for me - we'll eat out."

Mwah ha ha!

I honestly don't understand these marriages.

You say if it wasn't the sports thing, he would just find some other excuse to never be home.

Honestly, why do you want to be married to someone like this? Someone who never wants to be with you and the kids?

I agree with selling the house and getting some marriage counselling, because no way is this sustainable.

meditrina Sun 27-Jan-13 09:44:44

You say he does the football routinely.

He should not be making arrangements to depart from the routine and which directly impact on you without running it past you first.

I quite like euphemia's suggestion of your making a change to routine which puts him in the position of being the one who just has to cope. Then perhaps you can both sit down and communicate about the need to negotiate and what is a fair notice period for changes to routine.

foreverondiet Sun 27-Jan-13 09:46:11

Yes def go out next weekend both days just with baby!

BlackStiltonBoots Sun 27-Jan-13 09:49:22

So your H just swanned off this morning? angry

When he gets back could you leave the older children with him and go out with baby for a bit?

The whole situation sounds untenable.

What practical help does he give you? When do you get a break?

MadamFolly Sun 27-Jan-13 12:08:33

What time does he spend with the children? Do they even recognise him? Is he unhappy in his role as husband and father?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Sun 27-Jan-13 12:20:15

Tell him he can do his 'sport thing' anytime he likes on a Sunday - with the kids.

What a knobber - you need Serious Words.

Sleeping456 Sun 27-Jan-13 12:22:24

I agree with other posters that this situation is untenable.

Just wanted to add - surely it isn't necessary for a four year old to go to football practice? That sounds like an unnecessary commitment at the weekend which needlessly adds another stress.

I realise that may be the only time the boy sees his Dad mind you.

Really hope you can change your lives soon op. Sounds truly awful.sad

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 20:10:25

Thanks for everyone's advice and comments. It's been a very busy day as usual!

He honestly thinks he's dad and husband of the year.

He's always worked a lot which I get because he does have a job which he loves and I truly believe more people should have that. I love being at home with the kids, school runs, nursery runs, hospital appt etc are just part and parcel of being a SAHM.

It does piss me off frustrate me when he insists that he needs to work when I need him for an hour at night or Saturday afternoon but if a rugby match or football match is on he can miraculously make it home hmm

Still waiting for him to come home so I can hopefully get through to him what a selfish husband and father he is truly being!
Hits head against brick wall

SweetSeraphim Sun 27-Jan-13 20:14:34

Home from where??

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 20:14:52

So he works 65 hours a week +, and does renovations after work and has been out 12 hours already today?

Do you even know what he looks like?

What exactly is the point of you being married to him? From his point of you, you are a free nanny, but from yours....what do you get from this relationship? Do you go out together? Watch films, eat, chat together?

What does he give you?

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 20:15:21

point of view, dont know what happened there!

SweetSeraphim Sun 27-Jan-13 20:15:31

I know you appreciate what he does, OP, it stands out a mile that you respect him and all that. But he is treating you like crap whether he realises he is or not.

You need and deserve time off from the children just like he does. Make that very clear.

But that's just it. I think there's a difference between being a workaholic, where you always want to work no matter what, and working all the time so that you can check out of family responsibilities. Your DH sounds like the latter.

I don't know how you make someone want to spend time with you though.

I think it's a good start to point out that he can't just ditch work for fun stuff and not when you need him.

NumericalMum Sun 27-Jan-13 20:23:29

I only have one DC and work full time too but got to a similar point with my DH. We nearly got divorced. HE now appreciates that when we decided to have children we both wanted to be parents. Not just me. And that means weekends he needs to contribute to family life. If he wants to do sports he can do them on work time or early enough that he can still spend time with our DC. They are both happier this way.

My Dad was like your DH. He regrets it terribly now and wishes he had spent more time with us as children.

quoteunquote Sun 27-Jan-13 20:27:20

Are you getting rent at the moment for the house he is doing up?

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 20:30:39

I don't know how you make someone want to spend time with you though

Gosh that hurts but I'm sure there's a damn good reason dreamings comment has touched a nerve sad

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 20:33:39

quote no rent for house atm but money not a major issue apparently (whole different thread)

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 20:39:30

seriously I rather suspect that it isnt a whole different thread, but just another reason why he is being a selfish man who is opting out of family life.

What money to do have? Do have equal access to it? Equal "pocket money" or "spends" or whatever you call it?

Where's he been for 12 hours today?!

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 20:40:08

Sorry for the typos, am on my galaxy tab which is rubbish for typing on!

maddening Sun 27-Jan-13 20:44:42

Something has got to give and if you're not careful it'll be your marriage.

He needs to outsource the work on the rental property or put his sport as a lower priority - can he do it after work one night? Or every other week?

Euphemia Sun 27-Jan-13 20:47:10

He's still out?! Bloody hell that's completely unacceptable. When have you ever had twelve child-free hours to do what you like, since you had kids?

I'd be raging.

SweetSeraphim Sun 27-Jan-13 20:54:23

And me. I cannot imagine living like this. I mean, I just wouldn't.

I'm so sorry OP, I didn't mean to be harsh sad

But I think, at heart, this is the problem -- it's not about football practice, it's the fact that he is not prioritising his family when it comes to managing his time. It sounds like it goes: work, renovations, hobbies, family. When really it should probably go work, family, renovation, hobbies.

He needs a major wakeup call or he is going to end up divorced with kids who barely know who he is.

Euphemia Sun 27-Jan-13 21:00:24

I would honestly be making plans to leave/get him to leave.

Does he spend so much as an hour a week with the children? With you?

Fair enough he's busy - my DH is an academic with a ridiculous work ethic, but he spends every Saturday and Sunday morning with DD, and is always home in time to make dinner. He works for several hours an evening, but he's always available to me and DD for a chat, a walk, to watch a bit of TV, whatever.

He tells us we are his life, that we are precious. Are you getting anything like this? sad

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 21:09:30

No equal access to money. Really don't have the energy for that discussion. If worst came to worst and we did go our separate ways I'm sure it'll all be ironed out or I would have to get my career back on track.

He went to work this afternoon then straight to fitting bathroom at house.

I will write down exactly what I think needs changed with regards to family time and couple time. What hours need to be set aside etc. If I approach it with a business style angle he might take more notice!

I don't think I've had a child free 12 hours in over 4 years! I'm sure he see's his time spent away from the family at work and at the rented house as securing our future but I'm all for being poor with a happy family!

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Mon 28-Jan-13 14:08:49

Did you talk to him last night?

I know you said you don't have the energy for the conversation about money, but you need to find the energy to tackle it with him. You are a team - YOU are doing everything at home, you deserve free access to any money he earns, without you, he'd be fucked and he needs to grow up and realise that.

Frankly, I don't see what you are getting out of this relationship that is keeping you there.

quoteunquote Mon 28-Jan-13 15:08:47

not getting rent for a house does not make financial sense, get the builders in, get it finished quickly,

it sounds like your husband is deliberately making himself unavailable,

It is very easy to become a single parent within a relationship.

aldiwhore Mon 28-Jan-13 15:17:25

I think you're both being unrealistic.

You need a hobby, I don't have an issue with his.
I assume having 4 children was a mutual decision? You both work hard and both deserve a break.
He needs to cut back on something, why does it have to be the one social/hobby type thing he has?
You need to find some clubs that you children can all attend (or most of them) or at least watch... my eldest has had to change drama club because it simply didn't fit with the family.

I would advise against turning this into a war when you're both doing your bit.

I would also ignore anyone that calls a man who works 65+ hours a week, who's also renovating a house a selfish twat. I mean, it would be as stupid as calling you lazy...

I have a lot of hobbies so could give up a couple if I had to make room for the family, but I think ONE hobby is actually a necessity... if you're working hard, an active hobby could actually be essential for a healthy life.

You certainly need a long explosive chat.

newNN Mon 28-Jan-13 16:24:58

But it is selfish if he is the one who always gets to do his hobby and she never does. I would also say that the house renovations are one of his hobbies, as well as the sport, because it isn't generating any money.

Someone can work hard and still be a selfish twat - OP's husband loves his job, so it's not a hardship for him to go to work. It's not like he's doing a job he hates just to keep a roof over their heads. And when you add into that, the fact that the OP does not have equal access to the money, it does not present a good impression of this man.

She is effectively a skivvy in this house and he is free to live as though he doesn't actually have a wife and 4 kids!

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