I want another baby, husband doesn't. What's the compromise?

(138 Posts)
Empross76 Sat 26-Jan-13 18:12:36

I wanted to put this in 'Chat' but can't find it!
I've posted about this before but didn't get much response and as it's ongoing I'm posting again...
So, we have two DC (DD aged 5 and DS aged 2). DH feels that family is complete and in no way, shape or form wants any more children. Even if we were loaded, had a bigger house... just feels the family is complete.
I feel the opposite way - I want more children. I love my two children with all my heart but don't feel that I'm done yet.
I've been broody since my DS was born, and it just won't subside. It's making me miserable and resentful towards my husband at times.
I could ramble on and on about this, but I'll stop there. So I was just wondering - anybody had a similar situation? What did you do? I worry that I will always feel this way.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 26-Jan-13 18:19:32

I don't think there is a compromise in a situation like this. And sadly for you, you really shouldn't have a child unless both of you want to.

I have two, and at times I think I'd like another. But DH really wouldn't want to, so that's the end of that. It's easier now that my dc are older and I'm not surrounded by babies, and my house no longer has baby things in it. We fill our lives with things that would be impossible to do, or at least impossible to enjoy to the fullest, with a baby. You aren't at that stage yet because your littlest is still only two, but it will happen, and then hopefully you will find it easier.

nefertarii Sat 26-Jan-13 18:21:05

There is no compromise. You either have one or you don't. One of you will have to accept the others decision.

I have known this be a problem for a few couples. Including ours. In our case, I actually came round on my own and decided 2 was enough. A third would have effected us and I am happy now.

the choice you have is to accept his decision, accept his decision for now and discuss it again in year or two. Or if you can accept it, you need to decide if you would rather have your marriage or leave and find someone who does.

These options are bases on the assumption he definitely won't change his mind right now.

meadow2 Sat 26-Jan-13 18:21:06

Its a bit late now but you should of agreed on numbers at the start of your relationship.Not really a lot you can do if you cant get him on board.

WorraLiberty Sat 26-Jan-13 18:21:25

There isn't a compromise if you're going to stay together.

I'm afraid the parent who doesn't want more kids trumps the one who does.

If you've been broody since your DS was actually born, would you not still be broody if a 3rd DC was born anyway?

HecateWhoopass Sat 26-Jan-13 18:21:52

Sadly, this is one of those rare situations where there just isn't a compromise, and it's so painful.

Either one of you doesn't have the baby they want, or the other has a baby they don't want.

It's horrible for the person who really wants a child (I've been broody to the point of sobbing when I saw babies blush, so I know how it feels) But you have to think of the child - Is it worse for a child to not be born, or to be born to a parent that didn't really want them?

you can't make your husband have a child he doesn't want - and it would be unfair to try.

But you can say that you are not willing to forget about having another child and so regretfully that means more to you than having it with him.

I always wanted 3 children. But circumstances which I won't bore you with meant we stopped at two.

It hurts. Even though in our case we both felt it was the right thing.

But I still feel someone is missing. Someone isn't here who was supposed to be. iyswim.

It's a crappy situation for you to be in.

Do you forget about another child and either find a way to make peace with that, or resent your husband forever, do you talk to your husband and make it very clear exactly how much this matters to you in the hope that he will change his mind (without making it 'have another baby or I'm leaving') or do you leave in the hope that you find someone who you want to have a child with?

BooksandaCuppa Sat 26-Jan-13 18:25:40

I also think the person who wants fewer children trumps the other. Unless it's one versus none and then you should probably split up.

Sorry; there isn't a good compromise, is there?

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sat 26-Jan-13 18:26:37

We had three and I would have had another. DH said he would like to stop so we stopped. Unless you both want more I don't think you can do much about it.

FWIW I never regretted not having more.

Stropzilla Sat 26-Jan-13 18:32:53

There isn't one. Is there a chance you will be able to live with not having another?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 26-Jan-13 18:33:48

There is no compromise.

You don't have another baby.

Its a bit late now but you should of agreed on numbers at the start of your relationship.Not really a lot you can do if you cant get him on board.

meadows that's a really idealistic view. An abstract baby is nothing like the reality - what if you agree two, and then can't face pregnancy ever again? Does your dp get to force you through it as you did agree initially?

Empross76 Sat 26-Jan-13 18:38:50

Thanks for all the replies. It's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling his way. I would never want to break up the family over this or guilt my husband into having more.
Worra - not sure if I would want to stop at three either! But I think I'd feel more like my family is complete.
Hecate - I feel exactly how you described - sobbing at newborns! Also been imagining names and looks for our non-existent third baby!

HecateWhoopass Sat 26-Jan-13 18:40:22

Yup.

I sometimes dream that I had another baby and I wake up SO happy and then I realise it was just a dream and I feel so upset blush

JKSLtd Sat 26-Jan-13 18:48:29

Yes the agreeing at the start thing doesn't exactly work, as RL gets in the way and you actually start having DC and realising what's involved.

I always, always wanted 4, anyone who asked I was going to have 4.
I've 3 (so far!) and physically/emotionally/in my heart I want 1 more.
But practically/in my logical head I know it's best to stop now.

DH wants to stop, he always knew I wanted 4.
If I said no more, he would breathe a massive sigh of relief.

He knows I still, mostly, want number 4. It's not exactly that we don't talk about it at all, but I don't bring it up.

But it's on my mind constantly. EG moving the boys into bunkbeds means I can move DD out of the cot.
Do we get rid or keep?
She grows out of clothes, do I store or give away?
She grows out of a phase, do I mentally log it as the 'last time' that is going to happen or think, we've got one more time doing that/getting through that/enjoying that.

I cannot imagine not getting pg one more time/being pg/bf-ing.
But ....

Sorry, there is no compromise. One of you has to change their mind/accept the situation.

VacantExpression Sat 26-Jan-13 18:49:26

I have three beautiful children. My youngest DC is nearly 3- my heart aches for another. I am jealous of friends with babies, i dream about being pregnant, its horrible.

It would be impractical, we cant afford it, a lot of the time i am not sure i could cope with another... but i still long for it blush. Not evewn a discussion point for dh, i respect his decision obviously and will have to learn to live with it and be grateful, for all i have, for I am a very lucky girl to have my 3.

I do that too Hecate. Although in my case it's health problems that are preventing us from having more children, DH wants more as well. sad

Empross sadly as others have said there is no compromise here. I feel for you.

MerylStrop Sat 26-Jan-13 19:08:01

How old are you? By which I mean, indelicately, have you got time on your side?

Because, you may just find by the time your youngest is 5 that the longing has subsided as you move out of "baby" mode and, as clouds and trees says, you can do all sorts of other stuff. Conversely, your DH might be more inclined to have another child with more of a break.

Has he voiced particular reasons for not wanting another child?

Viviennemary Sat 26-Jan-13 19:14:00

I also think that there is no compromise. I did want a third but my DH didn't. There was no changing his mind though he wouldn't have left or anything but he just thought we had enough to cope with having two.

Empross76 Sat 26-Jan-13 19:17:56

JKS - I have all the baby stuff for my DD and DS and can't bring myself to get rid of any if it. I cry when I put away too-small clothes at the thought that there won't be another baby to wear them!
Get a grip!!!!!
MerylStrop - great name, btw - I'm 36 so don't feel I have a great deal of time. Feel like it's got to be now.

That was my sito exactly.

Ive now got my own way by being a manipulative, pursuasive bitch.

I would resent him forever if he put his foot down at 2, when we have the time, space and money for more.

Ive never met a family regretting having the third/fourth. You just dont wish that little person never existed.

Im pissed, but in your shoes, Id have an accident work on him.

CoteDAzur Sat 26-Jan-13 19:20:33

You can't have half a baby, so there can be no compromise.

Your husband gets his wish, I'm afraid. You can't force a baby on someone who doesn't want one.

specialsubject Sat 26-Jan-13 19:24:44

the suggestion of 'having an accident' is not excusable even for a drunk.

all babies should be wanted by both parents. One parent doesn't want this one - so it doesn't happen.

you could always foster or work with babies.

Empross76 Sat 26-Jan-13 19:26:06

Meryl - DH reasons - mainly he just doesn't want any more, two is enough. We have space (kids have a bedroom each and we have a spare room), we both work and do alright although we budget tightly and don't have any spare for savings. He mentions both space and money as reasons although he knows it would make life less comfortable and not impossible. He also cites that we would need a new car, holidays would be more expensive, needing to pay for more childcare, etc.
He thinks we would struggle to cope with three and be likely to get less help from our parents with babysitting.
Also, he doesn't enjoy the baby phase and sees it as a means to an end and something to endure.
He would also say we're too tired!
But, as I said, most of all - he just does my want more anyway. Even if all the above reasons didn't exist he still wouldn't want more.

Empross76 Sat 26-Jan-13 19:28:30

Monkeyface - I've said that lots of times - that I'll always regret not having more but that he'd never regret having more once another child is here to love.
We do make great babies, too, if I do say so myself!!!wink

I always wanted 2. Until DS was a year old and since then I've been longing for another. DH is absolutely certain he doesn't want more so I am finding ways to deal with that.

Meadow I don't know may people who agreed exactly how many children they would have before having any at all. I think having a rough idea of 'we'd like a big family' or 'I was an only child and would like my DC to have a sibling' is quite common but not really more detail than that.

It's hard. Somedays I feel very sad about it but I'm hoping that it'll get easier as the kids grow up. Basically I can echo everything Hecate said. I don't think there's a compromise though and believe me, I've tried to find one!

Joiningthegang Sat 26-Jan-13 19:29:57

Then he should be responsibly for contaception - i know someone eho was adament he only wanted obe and had the snip as soon as the baby was born. His wife was clear of his view and never got her hopes up about abother one - worked for them

expatinscotland Sat 26-Jan-13 19:31:49

His reasons are all very valid. Cost of children goes up as they grow, too, activities, clothing, driving lessons, all kinds of things like this.

But there's no compromise on this, as stated.

StuntGirl Sat 26-Jan-13 19:32:15

Manipulating your way to a baby your partner doesn't want is an incredibly shitty thing to do. I hope you don't take monkey's 'advice' hmm

Sadly OP there is no compromise, and I agree that the one who doesn't want the baby gets the final say. The question is do you want the baby or your marriage more?

pixi2 Sat 26-Jan-13 19:32:30

There is no compromise. It's the one thing we don't agree on. I am throwing myself into 2dcs and spoiling them with the money we would have spent on a third with music lessons, sports activities and trips. My house is my project at the moment which is keeping me busy and occupied too. Then I guess I'll find a hobby when the dc don't need me as much.

MerylStrop Sat 26-Jan-13 19:33:26

Does he realise the strength of your feelings?

I wonder if he thinks you are just saying it, and so he hasn't really, really considered, thought, talked about it.

At 36, though you can never count on it of course, you probably have a got a couple of year's grace.

FWIW my youngest is now 2.5 and have always wanted just one more, but my head knows it would do us in....I'm coming to terms with it now.

Ah fuck off, of course its excusable.

He can always wrap it if he wants to be extra careful.

Foster babies? Jeez, imagine doing that with an unsupportive partner. What a silly suggestion. She doesnt want to foster a baby for a bit, she wants another child.

Imagie gettung to 40/45 and the chance has gone. Can you live the rest of your life knowing that you cannot have any more?

Sod that. Im a SAHM, Im good at being a mum. Is what I do. All DH has to do.is provide the spunk grin

expatinscotland Sat 26-Jan-13 19:37:25

Yes, instead of talking about it like mature adults.

Monkey you sound like a lovely partner hmm

toddlerama Sat 26-Jan-13 19:41:01

I was in this position exactly. DH and I came to the agreement that whilst we were not currently trying for another, it was not allowed to become something I couldn't bring up without pissing him off. He had to be open to me talking about it, discussing a third etc. or I would resent him for just shutting me off. What actually happened was that when I got rid of all the baby tat he decided another one would be quite nice, and now we have a 9month old DS. But he got a vasectomy immediately afterwards! I think he was scared that he would soften again once there was no baby in the house, and he definitely didn't want 4. I would have loved 4, but had huge difficulties with pregnancy and birth and was told repeatedly that I should be sterilised at DS's birth hmm . I wouldn't, so he did.

I think the thing to prevent it becoming resentful is to keep it on the table even if it's not what he wants now, whilst knowing it may never happen. It isn't ok to have things you can't talk about with your partner - that does breed resentment.

Im an awesome wife thanks. He laughs at me as he knows he will give in.

Sorry but I know how it feels to be in this situation, and I could not settle with just two children. A third child just slips in with the family. Its not like going from 0 to 1.

foreverondiet Sat 26-Jan-13 19:43:11

Don't agree that the one who wants less children should compromise - in some ways i think it shiuld be the other way around.... I was happy with two DH wanted three and now am happy with third... DH recently said he wanted another shock but this time my feelings of not wanting 4th much stronger than his feelings of wanting although if he really really wanted i'd probably agree...Tell him how you feel and if he won't agree then I suppose you either have to leave him or accept it.

holidaysdistantmemory Sat 26-Jan-13 19:43:30

I spent ages looking at these type of posts a few months ago, and felt equally resentful. I have 2 dcs and desperately wanted a third, dh resolutely did not.

I am now pregnant with TWINS!!! Dh is pretending its not happening... Be careful what you wish for, you could end up with FOUR CHILDREN

cantspel Sat 26-Jan-13 19:43:30

Do you want another child? Or do you just miss the baby stage and want to do it again.

meadow2 Sat 26-Jan-13 19:48:03

Intraveneouscoffee- Really? Most of the friends I have I know pre dcs knew how many they were going for.

Bunbaker Sat 26-Jan-13 19:49:08

"Ive never met a family regretting having the third/fourth"

I have. They split up when the youngest was a year old.

StuntGirl Sat 26-Jan-13 19:50:34

If your husband is actually not that bothered about the number of kids despite what he says and is easy to persuade one way or the other that's one thing, but to 'manipulate' him into having another child he really doesn't want is an incredibly shitty, selfish action and does not make you an awesome wife.

Boomerwang Sat 26-Jan-13 19:51:12

I keep saying I want another child, but my boyfriend wants to wait a while. Hours after saying it, I'll change my mind, decide that we should lavish everything on one child. Then I'll worry about my kid being lonely and suddenly I want to get pregnant again. Then I worry about feeling sick and fatigued whilst looking after a 10 month old. Then I get visions of them playing together...

argh!

I think you need to be with your partner on this one. I apologise if this sounds really crass and insensitive, but isn't there something else you can fix your thoughts on? How about a new pet to love and nourish? Or perhaps volunteering in a caring capacity? Obviously you'd have to talk this through with your OH too...

Empross76 Sat 26-Jan-13 19:51:18

Cantspel - a bit of both really, I didn't) really enjoy the baby period with my first but loved it with my second. I love the idea of lots of siblings for my children.
Thanks again for all the posts - means a lot you taking the time and to know that I'm not the only one to have felt/be feeling this way.

JKSLtd Sat 26-Jan-13 19:51:41

At the moment we're keeping everything that DD grows out of and storing it in the loft.

I looked at the pile the other day putting Christmas decs away and thought, if I could make that decision, we could get rid of it all....
It's still there, and the cot will be kept too when I finally put DD in a bed, just in case.

I'm hoping time will sort it, either way:
A) as we move on with the 3 DC, I'll realise that I don't want to go back to the baby stage and do it all again (bizarrely things like Sing & Sign/playgroups/etc that I've done with all 3 really put me off a 4th!)
or
B) as they all grow and become less dependent he'll realise that one more wouldn't be so bad.

Sitting on the fence big time I know grin

We have a big car already, we don't go on big holidays already (though maybe that would change as DD grows, and DS2 (who has SN) gets better at new things/places), we have the clothes/toys/stuff for a baby, very little would have to be bought. We don't have a spare room (we do at the mo but the boys share, if they wanted their own room then we wouldn't have a spare for the 4th for each to have their own room) but always talked about converting the loft.
We don't get much help from family as it is anyway, though PIL have looked after 3 for us, would they manage 4? and being older by then too?

I wish that I felt finished. I wish I wanted 3, had 3, and was now done. I would be getting rid of so much crap stuff and moving on with joy smile

Bun, bet mum doesnt regret child. How could you? Id sacrifice my DH for my children, and he knows it.

Im a good wife, but my children rely on me to fend for them, provide for them, love them. Nobody will come in between me and my children. Nobody.

ClartyCarol Sat 26-Jan-13 19:54:23

I think there are plenty of people who regret having a third child, just they only tend to discuss in the safety of somewhere anonymous like this.

You both have to be on board, believe me. Having our dc3 has put an incredible strain on our relationship and relations with our children. The potential for bickering and strife is incredible and I have days where I could bang my head if the wall, and it's not like we can even split them up and say - DH you go somewhere with DC1 and I'll go somewhere else with DC2 so they get individual attention...you've still got another little bod to take into account.

And OP, your DH is right: people are definitely not so keen to babysit three, and the cost of all their activities racks up alarmingly.

We love our dc3 beyond words obviously, but I can see how our life would've been do much easier with only two.

MumVsKids Sat 26-Jan-13 19:55:10

After dd2 was born, I was booked to be sterilised but as the op grew close we both felt it was too final, even though we didn't want another DC.

After much deliberation, I had a Mirena coil fitted - this was a good option for us both.

Except it didn't work. DC3 arrived 9mths ago when dd2 was 2.8 years.

DH was worried we wouldn't cope etc, but the truth is, it's brilliant and we would never be without our ds or our DDs.

To this end, I am still broody, but not sure i want a dc4. DH definitely does not want dc4 - and we now use copper coil and pill - but we both accept that we are super fertile, and if its meant to be, dc4 will happen.

I know this doesn't help you much, but there's only so much talking you can do. One of you has to compromise, and the tough bit is not letting any resentment in after the compromise.

Good luck op smile

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 26-Jan-13 19:55:19

Is there really anyone who decides how many children they want at the start of a relationship?

My DH and I didn't talk about having children at all. We just wanted to be together.

Empross76 Sat 26-Jan-13 19:55:52

JKS - our loft is rammed, too! If we got rid of it all on eBay or car boot sales we could have a lovely holiday on the proceeds.
But can't bring myself to let it go!
DH is getting better at understanding how much the thought of no more kids upsets me so I am able to talk about it and have a cry and a cwtch. It's all quite open so I'm hoping it won't turn into simmering resentment or anything destructive. Hoping it will just fade in time.

ClartyCarol Sat 26-Jan-13 19:56:22

Gah, a few typos but hope you get the gist.

expatinscotland Sat 26-Jan-13 19:56:27

I know several who regret no. 3 or 4. It's a major taboo, however.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sat 26-Jan-13 19:56:29

half a baby? no, that doesn't work. how about a little one - don't tell him they grow (though he might have noticed with the two you have). foster? won't work if he isn't willing. accidental pregnancy? many before you have taken that path. not very honourable though. emotional blackmail? burst into tears whenever you see, or hear someone mention, a baby.

you stop crying eventually. honestly. it just takes a decade or so. after that, it's only when something reminds you.

Jenny70 Sat 26-Jan-13 20:03:33

To be honest, most mums I know who wanted another baby, but DH didn't got a dog....

Mandy21 Sat 26-Jan-13 20:09:28

I have to say that I don't agree that its always the one who doesn't want another child that gets their way - why is that? Its about compromise. I think it comes down to the strength of feeling. My DH wasn't keen on having a third baby, but I was desperate. I was in a similar situation in that I would cry, was jealous of every new mother I saw and whilst I just got on with it on a day to day basis, it was a big deal for me. I think my desire for a 3rd child was stronger than his relunctance iyswim and he eventually agreed. He still says I talked him into it and I agree with Clarty, its logistically and financially very difficult and its hard work refereeing all the time - but she is worth it!

And now we are in complete agreement that we are stopping at 3, I feel completely done and feel like this is how it was meant to be.

I know its incredibly difficult but think you need to keep it on the table for discussion and see if his opinion changes.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 26-Jan-13 20:19:18

monkeyfacegrace
"Im an awesome wife thanks."

Not really.

Mandy21 Sat 26-Jan-13 20:29:37

Also meant to add that even if you have a conversation about how many children you want, life has a way of getting in the way - know of friends / relatives who've had twins (more children than they wanted), infertility following cancer (less children) and repeated miscarriage / failed IVF attempts (no children).

Ask my dH. He agrees. Sorry that you dont.

JKSLtd Sat 26-Jan-13 20:49:08

Also, SN.

DS2 was 'normal' until 14months when he started having seizures. He had brain surgery just before turning 2 and is doing very well now, but...sometimes he is like having 2 children so maybe I have my 4 already smile

And you never know what life will bring you, can you & your marriage cope with an SN child when only one of you really wanted it in the first place?
SN diagnosis/ill children often lead to divorce even when the child was wanted by both.

Sorry to bring a downer but it's something worth considering.

Meadow2 it always makes me chuckle when I hear childless couples say how many kids they want in the future, especially when it's a large number. We always said we wanted 4 children, but since we've started having them it's gone down to a much more manageable 2 children!

I think if money's tight & you're not currently able to save, then a 3rd child is not a good idea.

yellowsheep Sat 26-Jan-13 21:01:55

In the same boat really I wanted 3 .... We were lucky enough to have twins second time round.
So we have 3 I feel somehow cheated out of a third pregnancy and missed out alto on all the baby things I did with dc1 as couldn't do things with dc2 dc3. Dh is adamant that we stop now sad

meadow2 Sat 26-Jan-13 21:06:23

willsing -I think not discussing these things is how many of the people on this thread have ended up in that situation unfortunately.

AyeOopMoose Sat 26-Jan-13 21:09:05

I'm in the same situation.

DH doesn't enjoy the baby stage and financially I think it would put a strain on us (maternity pay and an additional child in the long term).

My head knows he's right but that doesn't stop me wanting another DC. I was always clear from the start of our relationship I wanted 3, he said he wanted 2 or 3.

I try and focus on our lovely 2 DC and how we'll have more time/money to lavish on them. Some days that works, others it doesn't.

I'm 38 too so I really don't have much time left sad

AngryGnome Sat 26-Jan-13 21:15:49

I think it is v idealistic, and naive, to say that you should decide on the number of children you want beforehand.

I always wanted a big family (4 children), to be a SAHM, and dh totally agreed with me. We now have one. It was a pretty grim birth which has left me with permanent problems, it's not clear yet whether I will even be able to have another child. I would dearly love to, but DH is adamant he does not want any more after our experience with ds. I've really got no idea what will happen yet, but. I am already mid 30s the big family dream is pretty much slipping away.

All you can do is talk to your DH honestly about how you feel. Does he undeerstand that this isn't just simply 'feeling broody' (which most women probably experience at some pint in their lives) but instead a deep feeling that something is missing - and possibly something that you won't be able to get over? Does he feel as strongly, or is it something he could come round to in time? I think you need to have some serious conversations - perhaps counselling on your own or together might help you work through this?

balia Sat 26-Jan-13 21:16:17

JKSLtd raises an excellent point - this is very similar to what happened to a friend of mine - after 2 very close together (2nd accidental) she insisted DH had a vasectomy. after a few years, she changed her mind. Her DH had been depressed for many years, they were miserable, so instead of dealing with the issues she decided they had to have another baby, she insisted her DH reverse his vasectomy, they had DC3. Who had a myriad of health problems, couldn't be put into childcare, had to have one of those alarms for when they stop breathing, operations - all normal family life stopped. Friend has subsequently had a nervous breakdown, can't work. Don't assume everything will be wonderful if you could just have...anything really.

Monkey, interested, if the man wanted to have another baby, and the woman didn't, would you think it was quite so clever and laudable if he, say, put a hole in a condom to get his own way? And justified his deceit and manipulation by saying he loved his kids, would give his life for them, and all his wife had to supply was the womb?

And would it sound like he was an awesome husband?

We decided on 2 because that was what dh wanted (and yes we decided before we got married, in fact we discussed it years before that), and although I wanted more than 2 I felt it should be a joint decision. We had our 2 and though I would have had another, 2 was a nice wee family. 10 weeks ago I had dd2, our third. She is a surprise, not a mistake, and once I was pregnant dh was happy and actually excited after the initial shock. I would still like more but I know that for me, this is my last, and I can be happy with that. I will probably still envy over newborns but I feel blessed to have any children at all, and so should you. There is no compromise here, I was just lucky.

egdeh Sat 26-Jan-13 21:30:26

I wanted a third, DH did not. I tried (I really did) to accept it and not be upset but it felt like something was missing inside and, especially after wine, I would sometimes ask again if he was sure. One day he said "no". His reservations were all practical - new car, rooms on holiday etc - but he came to feel he would regret not having another dc for those reasons more than the inconvenience of managing a third.
So my lovely dc3 is now 2 and, much as I adore her, I do occasionally think DH may have been right. Childcare costs and logistics have destroyed my career, we are more tired and stretched emotionally. My dad is dying and lives miles away but DH can't cope with 3 dc alone for long, do visits are restricted.
I would not give up dc3, I love her, but I can see that life with 2 would be cheaper, easier and less stressful. I am posting this as I have only come to understand it by being there, the desire for another dc drowned it out before.
I guess what I am trying to say is I understand where you are but your DH has valid concerns and if he doesn't change his mind, whilst you may not ever know (grass is always greener and all that) your life with 2dc may well be better in many ways than with 3.

meadow2 Sat 26-Jan-13 21:33:13

Egdeh- What are your age gaps?

Empross76 Sat 26-Jan-13 21:39:21

Thanks so much for all the posts - from those of you who have been in the same boat (good to know I'm not alone) and opinions on the flip sides I'm not so focused on (SN, how hard a third can be).
Must remember how lucky I am to have my two gorgeous, silly, loveable, funny DCs, that's more than some people get.
Whispers... "I'd still like a third, though!"

TartyMcTart Sat 26-Jan-13 21:45:16

monkeyfacegrace "I'd sacrifice my DH for my children"

Really? My children mean the world and more to me but so does DH, he's my best friend and my soulmate.

I really do get the impression that your DH is a glorified sperm donor who gives into you when you stamp your feet and tell him you MUST have a certain something hmm

girliefriend Sat 26-Jan-13 21:47:25

Hmm think this is really difficult because as women, I think, we have a strong biological and emotional urge to have more babies. Whereas men can think in a more realistic and detached way about it.

I think however think three children is a nice number, I was one of three and if I was married I think I would have wanted three children.

However my friend has just had baby number 3 and watching her struggle with sleepless nights and trying to work out childcare arrangements for all 3 now she is back at work does make me think really would I really want that?!! grin

egdeh Sat 26-Jan-13 21:47:48

meadow - 22 months between dc1 & 2. 29 between dc2 & 3, so didn't take him long to come round!

allnewtaketwo Sat 26-Jan-13 21:50:21

"DH just supplied the spunk"

In which case surely you just supplied the egg and the womb. Or does your husband (who you clearly respect and hold in such high regard hmm) do nothing at all for/with the children?

Mandy21 Sat 26-Jan-13 21:59:26

I do remember listening to an interview with a minor celeb talking about the number of children they had and he said that children were like mathematical squares - so 1 child is like 1 x 1 (so 1 obviously hmm), 2 children doesn't just feel like double the work is like 2 x 2 (so 4) and 3 children feels like 9 (3 x 3). Thats definitely my experience so I do understand that both parents need to be on board.

FeistyLass Sat 26-Jan-13 22:08:45

Before we were married, we had lots of conversations about the number of children we would have (at least 2) but then after we had ds, dh changed his mind. I must admit I do resent it. I'm still at the stage where I feel sad every day about it and am so jealous of friends with babies envy
It's interesting to see that so many people have faced a similar issue.

butterflyroom Sat 26-Jan-13 22:24:27

I'm in a similar position with only one child. Very sad.

This is a current sore point in our house we already have DS1 who is nearly 6 and two years ago I got pregnant again but sadly miscarried and then DH decided he wasnt sure if he wanted anymore children! It is a very difficult situation and there is no easy answer but it is something that you need to talk to your OH about and make them aware of how you feel.
I often have the feeling that someone is missing and wake up in the night looking for my 'other' child who isn't there.
Time is running out for me as I am 38 this year so it is make or break I know that if we just stick with the one it is financially better as we have a small house not much room but emotionally I still want another one and still get upset.
No matter how many children we already have and no matter how much we love them the realization that we may not have anymore can for some be very hard to come to terms with so I do sympathize with your situation.

I'm also in the same situation but with only one child my dd is 4 she has some additional needs nothing too serious but enough to make us take stock. About a year ago I told my partner that i wanted another but unfortunately he wasn't sure, it has got to the stage that I find myself pricing prams and crying when someone else has a baby. I don't know what the answer is and I'm very lucky I do have time on my side just about to turn 30. I hope he will change his mind and occasionally he says things that make me think he is reconsidering but nothing concrete. It definitely helps that our daughter has started asking for a little sister grin

ComposHat Sun 27-Jan-13 00:04:41

Ive never met a family regretting having the third/fourth. You just dont wish that little person never existed

That is a lovely sentiment but quite blinkered. imo.

of course the child. would be loved. But if it puts a strain on the family budget or makes one or both of you have to work all the hours that god sends or the house intolerably crowded., than it will have a negative effect on the existing family.

Ok, so I was a bit pissed last night!

I can only talk about my situation however.

Yes, I would sacrifice my DH for my kids. I adore him, he adores me, but I grew my children, and nothing and nobody comes before them.

And reversing the situation, if a woman really didnt want children, Id expect her to have a coil/pill/implant, not just rely on condoms.

My situation is that Im a SAHM. I have no career/childcare costs. I have a few cars, one being a 7 seater, and we own a large home. In my situation, we dont need to consider loss of my work/childcare/space etc. Not saying its the same for everyone, but I can only speak for myself.

Now, if DH REALLY didnt want more, he would have the snip. He is a grown man capeable of making his own decisions. He just knows me too well, and grins at me when he says he may as well quit arguing now grin

I dont force him into bed.

And he is a wonderful father, yet I do all of the day to day care. So really, the babies are my responsibility. Toddlers and children he is awesome with, but Im the one who gets up in the night, feeds, bathes, and meets a babies needs.

So, although I put it uber badly in my drunken state last night, I still kinda stand by OUR situation.

OP I'd be worried about the fact you're not currently saving anything, and that you tightly budget. How would you afford a third? Would your existing children have to go without things?

Monkey sad that you and your partner can't trust each other when it comes to contraception. Tricking or manipulating someone into having a child is an awful thing to do.

Good luck OP, hope you and your partner manage to resolve your differences.

Bluegrass Sun 27-Jan-13 09:47:19

"Yes, I would sacrifice my DH for my kids. I adore him, he adores me, but I grew my children, and nothing and nobody comes before them."

Except of course that if you were prepared to trick your partner into having a baby they didn't want you would be putting your own desires before your children (especially if the family split up as a result of that deception). You would get to dwell on that at length while the house was empty as your kids were off staying with their father!

Suggesting that the lifelong responsibility of fatherhood amounts to just "providing the spunk" was one of the more unpleasant and depressing sentiments I've read on here for a while.

Bunbaker Sun 27-Jan-13 09:52:50

"Yes, I would sacrifice my DH for my kids. I adore him, he adores me, but I grew my children, and nothing and nobody comes before them"

What an odd sentiment. My husband and daughter are equal in my eyes. I wouldn't and couldn't put one before the other.

I have never tricked my dh into a baby btw.

IWantAnotherBaby Sun 27-Jan-13 10:02:27

I am in the same boat; 2 DC; DS is 9 and DD is 5. I will be 40 this year. DH and I discussed this shortly after DD was born, when I had quite a lot of debts. DH agreed that when I had paid off all my debt, we could have another DC. So I worked bloody hard, returned to full time work, took extra work etc, and paid it off quickly. DH was very impressed, and a little shocked at the rate at which I managed it. And now he doesn't want another baby.

I feel utterly betrayed and resentful. He constantly wants sex, but not a baby. And yet he has not pressurised me to get rid of all the baby kit and we are still storing the cot and other bits and pieces, so maybe (I hope) he is a bit more ambivalent than he admits. We struggled to conceive the other two, so there is no guarantee we'd succeed again anyway, but I want to try.

DS and DD keep asking for us to have another baby, and I have to smile and say we're not going to, when frankly, it is all I want and all I can think of. Ultimately I do not think I will be able to forgive DH for the broken promise, and it has massively changed how I see him. I resent him enormously, and I worry that it will eat away at me until it splits us up. I have not said this to him, as I think he would see it as manipulative, but he knows how much I want another child.

There is no solution, as far as I can see. I will just have to deal with it, or not, and my marriage may or may not survive it. Ugh.

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 10:05:24

Empross - you need to find out exactly WHY your dh doesn't want more. With my ex he didn't want them close together & he wanted me to learn to drive so all that didn't fall on his shoulders which was fair enough. We did end up splitting up though & my last child barely knows him, despite being planned & wanted as other events took over. All I know is that I would have felt VERY cheated of having another child if he had been adamant that he just wanted 2 & then gone off with someone else.

SnakePlisskensMum Sun 27-Jan-13 10:10:53

I agree with MonkeyFaceGrace over that sentiment actually....I adore my husband, he is my best friend and soulmate too but my love for him is 'conditional' I.e. if he cheated or murdered someone, maybe, I wouldn't love him so much. I would always love my kids. Fact. I might not like them sometime but I'll always love them.

SnakePlisskensMum Sun 27-Jan-13 10:11:12

Sorry, off topic

FreudianLisp Sun 27-Jan-13 10:15:52

OP, I feel for you but don't really have any answers.

We have two-year-old twins. Pre-kids, husband was the broody one, I was on the fence but agreed to try. IVF achieved our gorgeous boys. I've had a complete personality transplant and now love my kids more than anything. Husband was so overwhelmed by the demands of twins that he doesn't want more. You can't always predict how you'll feel about being a parent until you become one.

Now I desperately want another child. And we have an embryo in the freezer at the IVF clinic. We can afford another child. But he just doesn't want to. I'm 40 and he's 41 so we don't have time to waste.

I don't have an answer to all this. I wish I did. Every day I think about that embryo.

Bunbaker Sun 27-Jan-13 10:19:22

Would you feel differently if the embryo wasn't there?

FreudianLisp Sun 27-Jan-13 10:21:50

No I wouldn't. I'd still desperately want another child.

maleview70 Sun 27-Jan-13 10:28:31

If he doesn't want any then you can't force him.

I don't want any more and I feel like I am constantly being punished for that despite setting this out when we got together.

shesariver Sun 27-Jan-13 10:50:41

Im a good wife, but my children rely on me to fend for them, provide for them, love them. Nobody will come in between me and my children. Nobody

Good luck when they grow up and become more and more independent, something tells me this wont be easy for you!

EuphemiaLennox Sun 27-Jan-13 11:05:43

We have 2 children. I wanted another DH didn't.

DH is older than me and felt too old for more babies. I understood this and accepted it.

I still dream of being pregnant, still have the baby stuff in the loft, still imagine a life with 3 and can still be found on baby name threads. My children are 13 and 10ys and I'm 43. It ain't happening.

I made a pact with myself however that much as I would have liked this other imaginary or ideal family I have in my head, I would never let it stop me for a moment enjoying loving and appreciating the actual real wonderful family I have.

A third would have been lovely, but 2 children and a lovely husband is such an incredible amazing thing to have I refuse to feel sad that I didnt get 'everything'.

I didn't get everything, but what I have got is really beyond anything I could have wished for, so I refuse to be sad (although do engage is a bit of wistful imagination).

I know this sounds trite, but honestly if you can alter the way you think about this, to not focus on what you've had to give up, but on what you do have you will loose the sadness associated with it.

Why wont it be easy?

When your offspring are children, they rely on you to protect them and nurture them.

When they are young adults/adults then I shall be pleased to wave them on their way.

What an odd assumption confused

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Sun 27-Jan-13 11:20:46

There is no compromise i'm afraid.

The only thing i will say, is that the contraception should be made by your dh. He wants no more so he should be the one to take care of all the contraception, whether that be condoms 0 of the time or the snip.

When a woman makes the choice to have no-more, she takes contraception. It's his turn to take care of this now.
Atleast then it will show you, there will be no more in black & white & you don't have to go to the trouble of protecting yourself from something you so clearly want.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Sun 27-Jan-13 11:21:55

'One hundred percent of the time' not 0 silly phone

Bottleoffish Sun 27-Jan-13 11:27:42

I agree there's no compromise but your youngest is only 2, your DH may change his mind in the future, although obviously you shouldn't rely on that.

That's what happened with us. We both had DC from our first marriages, DH was adamant he didn't want another. Then, after 6 years and a fairly life changing event, admittedly, he changed his mind. I always made it clear I would want another after our DD and he didn't. DD is now 18 months old and he has 'agreed' to another. I say 'agreed' as he says he only wants another because he knows how much it means to me, but at the same time he has asked me to get afertility monitor to make it easier to concieve and gets a tear in his eye/few tears when watching things like One Born Every minute. Heck, he even cried at the Volkeswagon advert with the little girl growing up! He is quite broody really!

I think in our case he worries about things, although I am already a SAHM. He also worries about what other people think too much and his parents are very disapproving of large families and we already have 6 between us, although several are quite grown up now.

WizardofOs Sun 27-Jan-13 11:30:43

Third babies don't just 'slip right into the family'. I think that's a dangerous myth personally! They create a third more work and expense and change the dynamic. Not necessarily for the worst but definitely a change.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Sun 27-Jan-13 11:44:39

OP You say you can afford it, but if at the moment you're just breaking even (which is what I'm taking from "no room for savings) you really can't, unless you want the five of you to just "exist" rather than live. The cost of the third will just eat up all your "fun money". Wouldn't it be nicer to be able to provide the children you already have with a few extras/ holidays/maybe a bit of help with Uni etc? Do you want to lie hand to mouth for the five to ten years to have a third?

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 27-Jan-13 12:14:57

"Im a good wife, but my children rely on me to fend for them, provide for them, love them. Nobody will come in between me and my children. Nobody"

I feel very sorry for your husband, you make him sound like a sperm donor and easily disposable.

Given your later posts confirm you dont work, you dont provide for your children so are in a vunerable situation should your DH leave.

OP, if you have no spare money then a third will have a negative impact on your existing children and they get no say in the matter.

There is no compromise in situations like this, the person not wanting a child has the casting vote. Nobody should be forced to become a parent and a child should be born to two parents who wanted a chid not because the other demanded their way.

Oh ffs, again, how ridiculous.

I work full time as a mother thanks. Unpaid, but still full time work.

I also own a home independantly, as does he, so no, Im not in a vunerable position should he leave.

Concentrate on the op, not pulling me apart on incorrect assumptions.

NumericalMum Sun 27-Jan-13 12:43:50

I have read of parents who weren't both on board and had a baby anyway. The one who didn't want the baby would co e out with phrases like "well you wanted the baby so you deal with it." Things like that can be harmful for a child long term.

My dad was an unwanted child. His mum used to often blame his dad in front of him. He still remembers now. Very sad.

I always said I wanted 3 kids. after one I am struggling to think about having two and I am grateful my DH doesn't hold me to my pre-DC naivety to be honest!

Bunbaker Sun 27-Jan-13 15:22:23

"I have read of parents who weren't both on board and had a baby anyway. The one who didn't want the baby would co e out with phrases like "well you wanted the baby so you deal with it." Things like that can be harmful for a child long term."

That has happened to two women I know. In both cases they wanted a child and their husbands didn't. They went ahead anyway and both husbands just didn't want the responsibility of bringing up a child and did a runner.

carabos Sun 27-Jan-13 16:03:04

A friend of mine has all but destroyed her marriage by having a third child her husband didn't want - and yes, she lied to him to get it.

He can't get past the deception, she thinks "he needs to grow up, what did he think was going to happen?" - she means that he should have realised that when she said she wanted another baby, she meant "I'm having another whether you like it or not".

She's planning to leave him in a year or so when she has built up her business sufficiently to ensure her independence. He is in turmoil because this is lose/ lose for him.

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 16:21:33

Why didn't her husband use contraception himself then? Bit confused on that one!

Bunbaker Sun 27-Jan-13 16:24:18

"Why didn't her husband use contraception himself then? Bit confused on that one!"

Perhaps he did and the wife sabotaged the condoms by sticking pins through the packets.

carabos Sun 27-Jan-13 16:29:53

RedHelen it's not as simple as that though is it? Usually in a marriage conversations about contraception are held and decisions made which are jointly agreed. To then use a condom would be to say "I don't trust you" and he had no reason to mistrust her. Just because she said she wanted another baby isn't enough to jump to "Ah well in that case I must use a condom in case you, my wife who I love and who I believe loves me back, is actually someone who would deceive me to get her own way about something that will change my life forever" hmm.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 27-Jan-13 16:33:37

OP

Do you think this yearning is just because your youngest is 2, and coming out of the baby phase? I wonder whether it will subside when you realise how nice it is with two slightly older children.

As a slight aside, It seems to me that some women seem to love the pregnant/baby phase so much they just keep having children to fulfill that. Which, IMO isn't always fair to the children they have, who are going through tricky things at school etc.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 27-Jan-13 16:37:03

PS

Obviously i am a bit biased because i didn't absolutely love the baby phase....

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 17:36:38

I disagree - I think if a husband is definite he wants no more children then he should have the snip!

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 17:38:44

Men need to take responsibility too though - why should the contraception fall on the womans shoulders when she is the one who actually wants a baby. the

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 17:41:32

I think it can suit men to turn round & say they don't want to have children after the event & that they were tricked into it.

FWIW - I couldn't have a baby knowing that it's father hadn't planned it with me BUT my baby still didn't see his dad for a year because he decided the grass was greener elsewhere & decided the day to day business of being a Dad was no longer important to him in his new life.

Dromedary Sun 27-Jan-13 17:43:58

I had a friend who became very broody for a third child. Eventually she settled on a dog - which as a puppy needed lots of caring for - and has not felt broody since. And the children love the dog too.

I agree with RedHelen, in instinces of the male wanting no more children, he should take sole responsibilty for contraception, either the snip or buying and putting on his own condoms. That way no-one can be tricked into anything that they haven't themselves contributed too.

MummyPig24 Sun 27-Jan-13 18:02:18

I am desperate for dc3 but Dp is not totally on board, he is more practical than me. We have ds who is 5 and dd who is very soon to be 3, they already share a room as we have a 2 bed (rented) house.

We are getting married in 10 weeks and then saving for a deposit on a house. I am currently a sahm, we are 25 and 26 so we have time on our side.

I would really like to have dc3 next year, then go back to work. The way I see it is that the years they are little they will remember the fun times sharing bedrooms and all growing up together. We have enough money to eat well, albeit on a budget, ds is able to do a football club one night a week and dd goes to a private preschool for 2 mornings. Every now and then we go swimming or on a day out. We sacrifice things for ourselves so that the children don't go without.

I feel that having dc3 now would be great. By the time they are old enough to care about "things" and sharing rooms I will be back at work and dp works hards so will hopefully have progressed up the ladder.

Dp worries about them sharing rooms and needing a bigger car but has said he would like dc3. I know we probably sound mad but the pull of my womb is strong!

Bluegrass Sun 27-Jan-13 18:10:43

If a guy needs to wear condoms to protect himself against his wife lying about her own use of contraceptives and tricking him into having another child then I think it is fair to say that that marriage is irrevocably fucked.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 27-Jan-13 18:18:45

RedHelenB

It can also suit women to have a "happy accident"

and as has been pointed out, after you have had the discussion about another baby and contraception how would you feel if your partner suddenly started wearing condoms?

ComposHat Sun 27-Jan-13 18:23:50

If a guy needs to wear condoms to protect himself against his wife lying about her own use of contraceptives and tricking him into having another child then I think it is fair to say that that marriage is irrevocably fucked

^^This.

If you can't make a decision together about contraceptives and trust your long term partner, then it then the marriage as you so succinctly put it is fucked.

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 18:35:50

I would think that he was serious about not having another child Boney!!!

Even if the woman was using the coil, pill etc there can be accidents, wearing a condom eliminates the risk further

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 18:37:33

It's funny but I stopped feeling broody after I had my third but was incredibly broody almost as soon as dd2 was born!!

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 27-Jan-13 18:45:12

I suspect that you are in a minority.

thebody Sun 27-Jan-13 18:45:56

ComposHat agree totally with that post.

There's no compromise. We have 4 and dh would have had more.

The reason i said the male should be responible in these situations is mainly because it saves the woman being blamed incase an accident is genuinely made-it does happen.
And because it is he who has made the ultimate dicision, why should the wife pump herself full of hormones for the rest of her life when the husband could protect himself through having the snip or through buying & putting on his own condoms.
It also stops false hope for the wife and any hope of him changing his mind.

Obviously if trust is an issue then maybe its best to go separate ways

shesariver Sun 27-Jan-13 18:53:33

monkey no not an "odd" assumption at all, just based on the amount of women I have seen struggle as their kids grow up, and Im not necessarily talking about it taking as long till they are adults either. Usually people who have lived their lives through their children a to a certain extent.

balia Sun 27-Jan-13 20:09:17

What bluegrass said.

In my case, it is DH who wants more children, not me. Should it be my responsibility to 'make sure' by having an op because otherwise I'm just not 'serious' enough about not wanting to have a baby?

NumericalMum Sun 27-Jan-13 20:12:12

If a guy needs to wear condoms to protect himself against his wife lying about her own use of contraceptives and tricking him into having another child then I think it is fair to say that that marriage is irrevocably fucked.

Exactly!

Empross76 Sun 27-Jan-13 20:55:46

Jamie - I enjoyed the baby phase with my second child, but spent most of it terrified with my first!
Part of being desperate for another baby (at least one, anyway!) is missing that baby phase, but the biggest part is just wanting a large family with more than one sibling for my kids.
I always said I wanted four or five children before me and DH married, but I always said it half joking. It's only since my second child I've realised I really did mean it!

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 20:59:13

If I definitely did not want to get pregnant & wouldn't have an abortion then I would either have to stop having sex or get sterilised.

ComposHat Sun 27-Jan-13 21:03:21

red There is a difference between an genuine accident and having a partner deliberately sabotage the contraceptive method that you've chosen together isn't there?

Compos yes there is. I didn't purposely get pregnant with my 3rd, I was on contraception and dh was using condoms. I asked to be sterilised but they refused on grounds of age, even though I have significant health issues that really should be taken into consideration hmm Dd2 was an accident albeit a very cherished one now. To deliberately sabotage your contraception is just plain wrong.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Mon 28-Jan-13 01:32:26

If I definitely did not want to get pregnant & wouldn't have an abortion then I would either have to stop having sex or get sterilised.

It's not easy to get sterilised though- too many people change their minds apparently, especially if they go on to a new relationship. I am 37 and have 2 children. Am absolutely 100% sure that i do not want any more. At my 6 week check up I asked to be sterlilised (got pregnant first month both times so am paranoid) but was basically told that it's too soon after my second for me to be sure and that "you're still very young". I got a Mirena coil instead, but I'd rather have been sterilised.

ResolutelyCheeky Mon 28-Jan-13 09:39:20

Its so hard to want another child and your husband doesn't but I feel it is important to only have one if you both want it. It is hard enough as it is without a child being resented by a partner.

Sometimes you just have to be grateful for what you have and remember some people aren't that lucky.

Doesn't stop you resenting the hell out of them sometimes though.

fromparistoberlin Mon 28-Jan-13 10:47:26

what the second poster said: I don't think there is a compromise in a situation like this. And sadly for you, you really shouldn't have a child unless both of you want to.

sorry! but its true

Its a bit late now but you should of agreed on numbers at the start of your relationship.Not really a lot you can do if you cant get him on board

Life doesn't work out like that though. DH and I always said we would have 2 kids. However, DS came along and DH to my sadness decided he didn't want any more children. There was no compromise and as gutting as it was at the time, DS is 10 now and I am quite happy now just having him .

I know of 2 couples where the woman wanted another child and the husband didn't. The women wore them down in the end and they went onto have second....one of the couples have since split and the other couple are far from happy.

Yfronts Mon 28-Jan-13 12:37:48

Have you explained to hubby your strength of feeling and how sad it's making you feel.

Yfronts Mon 28-Jan-13 12:38:33

we had an extra baby (3rd) and I'm so happy we did. DH was unsure but now adores him

Allinonebucket Mon 28-Jan-13 13:01:10

I always wanted three and DH wanted two or three. Getting baby number two has been such hard work, and taken so long, that DH wants to stop now. He feels we are too old and that it would cause too much stress trying again.
Of course I am sad, but I respect his thoughts on the matter, it has been hard.

I suppose everyone must sometimes think "what if".

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