Would I a bitch to tell my friend the reasons, as I see it, why she is still single?!

(42 Posts)
MrsBramStoker Sat 26-Jan-13 14:58:07

A friend of mine is same age as me - we were school/college friends. Don't get to see her that often now, as I've 3 DC and we live in different cities, apart from Xmas, etc.

Every time we try and meet she is always, always about an hour late, as was took her time getting ready. She does this to everyone, often at times when we've dinner booked, etc. But it's always our fault for not waiting, booking dinner too early, etc, or like 'what's the big deal?!' (particularly galling as my and DH might have gotten a babysitter to go out with friends, etc)

was on to on the phone a good bit this week as she was meant to come up and see me and the kids and stay over. I also told her of my idea to fix her up on a blind date with a single work colleague who I think she's suit (BTW, he's also a bit too easy going but a nice enough guy) but got a text saying she wasn't feeling great, etc.

she's a lovely looking girl, very pretty, but can't seem to hold down a relationship. in fact, she has never been in a long term relationship. we had a chat recently on the phone about it all and according to her, the guys she meet are just non-committal bas**rds, and she also thinks a lot of them could be 'gay' but in the closet!! grin. She expects to be treated like a princess, and is very conscious of what potential guy earns, etc, which is fine if she's thinking about kids, etc, but surely it more about a guy's values not hi pay packet?

I just listened, etc but i felt like saying the reason you are still single is:

a. you flirt with guys and base it all around alcohol and nights out whereas you're much more a woman of substance and intelligence bt feel you have to act the 'cutsie' girl. This worked at age 22, not age 37.

b. you're not great at compromise and are too precious about your own time and needs which will not work for a relationship.

c. you can be too superficial when seeking out potential boyfriends - looks, job, etc - but you ould meet a gem of a man if you were more open

d. You can't even commit to meeting us at a particular time when we've arranged to meet, how could you commit to a relationship!!

Bit harsh? grin

I relaly like this girl, bit i fear she will be single if she continues on. she's love to get married and have children, etc (which we all know is an ideal state that require no work of compromise whatsoever! grin but there are lots of single women out there who are just feel are not as open, are too fussy and too prescriptive about what they want and not open to seeing maybe what they need.

AIBU (don't flame me!)

MrsBramStoker Sat 26-Jan-13 15:01:11

sorry about bad spelling on OP

YorkshireDeb Sat 26-Jan-13 15:01:21

Hmmm. When I was a single girl I would've welcomed a bit of constructive advice. But tread carefully if she hasn't asked for advice - she might just think you're being a bitch. X

Ilovesunflowers Sat 26-Jan-13 15:01:34

You fear she will be single? It's not a disease ffs. Leave her alone. YABU.

bigbuttons Sat 26-Jan-13 15:03:11

you are not her mother. She sounds like a right PITA tbh. I can't abide people who are habitually late. the reason she won't hold down a relationship is that she's selfish.

WorraLiberty Sat 26-Jan-13 15:03:13

Just nod and smile

It doesn't affect your life whether she settles down or not, does it?

manicbmc Sat 26-Jan-13 15:04:43

Unless she is perpetually moaning about being single, I wouldn't say a thing.

specialsubject Sat 26-Jan-13 15:05:22

from this it sounds like she is single because she is rude, entitled and rather dull - but that is only a snapshot. Or maybe she likes being single.

either way, not your problem.

Only if she asks

chickencurryfor7 Sat 26-Jan-13 15:12:10

Did she ask you why you think she's still single? Does she even want to be in a long term relationship? Don't you think you might appear to be a bit smug if you offer her this 'advice' unsolicited?

MrsBramStoker Sat 26-Jan-13 15:12:33

Totally agree not my problem and really doesn't make a difference to my life if she's still single.

But got me thinking. some single women in their 30's go around saying they'd love a relationship/marriage/kids but do they really? Really? Some are quite happy with own space etc and don't really know what it means to a committed.

Sometimes I look at her and think she's got all this free time/no responsibilities whereas we have 3 kids under the age of 5. But I know I wouldn't change it for the world.

In reality, I think she couldn't be arsed putting the work in to really settle down with a guy

(Gosh I sound so romantic coming up to Valentine's day grin )

EllenParsons Sat 26-Jan-13 15:15:19


Leave her to it. She does sound a bit hmm but I would be so annoyed if a friend decided to set out for me the reasons why they think I am single!

Pigsmummy Sat 26-Jan-13 15:15:43

You say that you really like this girl but do you really? It doesn't seem that way tbh.

Criticism constructive/destructive is still just that, criticism and deep down no one wants to hear it do they?

As Worra said it doesn't affect you does it? and why do you feel superior because you are married with children?

Ilovesunflowers Sat 26-Jan-13 15:15:49

You sound very, very judgemental.

thebody Sat 26-Jan-13 15:16:32

You generally have the love life you want..

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 15:17:06

Being single is a totally valid choice.
If she wants to be single - including if she won't compromise because she doesn't want to - then I would leave her be.
If she's happy what's the problem?

thisthreadwilloutme Sat 26-Jan-13 15:17:27

I'd leave it if you want to stay friends. I'm in a similar position. My best friend is actively looking for a husband. I can see why she's failing, but it would hurt her to tell her. So I'm keeping quiet and hoping she realises on her own.

HecateWhoopass Sat 26-Jan-13 15:18:49

If she asks you for your opinion, then give it. If she hasnt asked for your opinion, it's because she doesn't want it.

LimeLeafLizard Sat 26-Jan-13 15:20:13

If you value your friendship, don't say this to her - it is very harsh and even if there is some truth in it, it is just your opinion.

Hope it has been good for you to write it all down and 'get it off your chest' here!

zukiecat Sat 26-Jan-13 15:22:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandon Sat 26-Jan-13 15:24:43

Do not ever say any of ths!

And try not to be smug about your own situation, or idealise it.

You seem to feel superior amd therefore in the position to give her advice, whereas she might still think you see her as an equal.

Would you like HER to give you advice on your relationship? If she would, and does, then it would be different!

KhallDrogo Sat 26-Jan-13 15:24:52

You sound so smug. Would you appreciate her giving unsolicited opinions about what is wrong with your life and how you could fix it?

I was married for 12 years. I am finally single again, am not dating and have no intention of dating again. You too could lead a life that doesn't need validating by your relationship to men. Shall I tell you how?....

1) get your head out of your arse
2) blah blah zzzzzzzzzzzz.....

SolidSnake Sat 26-Jan-13 15:28:43

Nothing to do with the thread, but I love your username KhallDrogo grin

Bella88 Sat 26-Jan-13 15:28:51

YABU and a bit cuntish to even consider pointing out her shortcomings.

MrsBramStoker Sat 26-Jan-13 15:30:21

LIMELEF thank you - that's exactly it - I got it off my chest.

Of course in reality I wouldn't say this to her!

And some of you are missing the point - of course it's ok to be single - in fact, I loved my single life/before I got married too. But she WANTS to be in a relationship.

pigsmummy - where exactly did I state my superiority at being married ?! hmm a cheap shot

I just think deep down she likes her own space too much.

DumSpiroSpero Sat 26-Jan-13 15:30:56

Leave her alone. You've said yourself that you have lived miles apart and only got together a couple of times a year for some time - perhaps you don't really know her as well as you think you do, in which case your 'well-meaning advice' will probably cause a fair bit of offence and an almighty falling out.

littlemisssarcastic Sat 26-Jan-13 15:34:18

If your friend has been this way for the last 15 years, I can't see her changing drastically in the next 5.
Does she complain about being single?

I know a woman who has been single her whole life, and puts it down to her belief that all men are wankers/bastards etc. I think she got that idea from her mum sadly.
From what she has told me, she has been actively seeking a relationship since she was 16, and has been asked out a couple of times, but has refused because she said the men were not good enough.

Like you, I would feel a bitch if I said to her that she may have more success if she actually left the house occasionally, stopped seeing men as the enemy before they have uttered a word, and stopped expecting to be swept away by a knight in shining armour with a few million in the bank, whose only desire in life is to spend every waking hour proving that he is a thoroughly decent man, and when he has proved this, to spend every single minute of his time, every penny of his money and every ounce of his energy on giving you every single thing you desire.
During the relationship, he would be expected to tolerate your laziness and your moodiness, your rudeness to anyone who disagrees with you including your family but not friends because you have hardly any and to indulge in your favourite pastime, debating topical subjects.

He is to be extremely attractive, a car driver, and able to be at your beck and call, as well as being very keen to have DC, and be prepared to arrange a house for you to live in, undertake the day to day running of the house, do all of the cooking and cleaning (she cannot cook and does not like to clean, but can clean) and do all of this while you disrespect him, because of course, all men are bastards/wankers and deserve to be treated like underclass citizens.

Before I met this woman, I would not have believed that a woman like this existed, yet she truly does want to meet a man, have DC etc, but she really really dislikes men, bordering on a hatred for men, and only ventures out of her house to travel to another relatives once a week, then back home again, and occasionally to see friends, maybe 2 or 3 times a year for an evening.

The relative she sees does not venture out of her house either, nor does she have many friends, (only 3 and I am 1 of those) hence how I know this woman.

Anyhow, some people just can't see themselves from someone else's perspective, and some of those don't want to, even if they could.

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 15:39:18

In fairness I wasn't missing the point - you never said she expresses the desire to be in a long term relationship until your 4th post.

Tbh If she likes her own space too much then she doesn't really want a relationship. So I would still leave her alone, now you have got it off your chest.

KhallDrogo Sat 26-Jan-13 15:42:28

Yy, what pag said

grin snake

Chunderella Sat 26-Jan-13 15:46:13

If she ever did ask for your views, you could probably give her a toned down version of the OP. Like- look for partners on occasions other than drunk nights out, make sure you actully have room in your life for a bloke and don't necessarily restrict yourself to the lookers.

ClaireDeTamble Sat 26-Jan-13 15:49:25

Pag you never said she expresses the desire to be in a long term relationship until your 4th post.

To be fair to the OP she said in her first post:

she's love to get married and have children, etc

Which by implication suggests a desire to be in a long term relationship, no?

TheCollieDog Sat 26-Jan-13 15:57:25

YABU. You sound very smug.

When I was a single girl I would've welcomed a bit of constructive advice

Constructive advice. What you're prepared to say to her is a pretty all-round condemnation if her personality and lifestyle.

Smug marrieds have no place in giving single friends 'advice.' they have no idea.

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 15:59:13

My mistake.
Thank you Claire - I missed that.
Sorry Op.

Molepom Sat 26-Jan-13 16:04:34

I agree with KhallDrogo.

You sound EXACTLY like an ex-friend of mine. Guess why she's an ex-friend. Yep, she stuck her nose in where it wasn't wanted and made me feel like shit because I wan't in a relationship like her.

If you do decide to give her your advice please be prepared for the following comment:

"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."

AlwaysReadyForABlether Sat 26-Jan-13 16:12:29

A well meaning "friend" once told me that the reason I was still single was because I always had on my "fuck off" face. I don't speak to her any more.

nefertarii Sat 26-Jan-13 16:25:11

If she asks, tell her. In a constructive way.

If she doesn't ask, then don't.

If she always moans about it and you are getting fed up, tell her you are fed up. People who moan about the same thing over and over, without even trying to tackle the situation, for years piss me off.

LessMissAbs Sat 26-Jan-13 17:20:30

Maybe shes just never met anyone she fancies that much to put in an effort with?

Maybe she likes being single but just doesn't admit it?

The only thing I would mention would be the lateness, but even then I wouldn't phrase it so as to mention this being a reason for her being single.

lovelyladuree Sat 26-Jan-13 17:30:21

I hope she gets swept off her feet this year by the most perfect, kindest, richest man, who treats her like a complete princess. Then she can look down her nose at you.

ivanapoo Sat 26-Jan-13 17:49:31

She wont thank you - I would just avoid trying to set her up and conversations about dating full stop.

FWIW the best advice I had when single is think about what you find attractive and try to cultivate those qualities yourself. (I don't mean massive cock and hairy chest)

So I probably wouldn't have been attracted to a lairy, overweight, constantly drunk/stoned person in a dead end job who was desperate for a partner, any partner and snogged anything that moved - yet that was who I was.

socharlotte Sat 26-Jan-13 18:12:48


socharlotte Sat 26-Jan-13 18:13:19

sorry that is 'no' don'rt say any of this to her!

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sat 26-Jan-13 18:18:34

I with the smile and nod brigade.

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