To have let him off the hook(106 Posts)
Just finished lunch and everyone now skulking in different rooms not talking to each other. Our kids (DS 8 and DD 9) are pretty good eaters, will try anything and not much they genuinely don't like but DS has always hated mushrooms. I had the bright idea that if we had cream of mushroom soup he might like the flavour without having the texture. DH duly made this for lunch as I was on chauffeur duty for all the Sat am activities. DS ate a bit with his bread but didn't like it much. DH told him to finish the bowl (not huge) and I said he should eat at least another 3 spoonfuls. He was struggling then gagged on his food. DH said he spat it out and it was deliberate but I'm pretty sure it was genuine (scarlet face, tears in eyes etc). DH told him he still had to eat his spoonfuls (while DS now sobbing) and I said he should be allowed to stop and thought DH being too hard on him. Lunch disintegrated and everyone upset now. DH thinks I undermined him and I can understand that but I think forcing a child to eat something when they're actually gagging on it is pretty cruel and has potential to give them issues with food in the future. DH pretty tired due to work issues at the moment and I think a bit more short-fused than usual but AIBU to contradict him about this in front of the children and is it likely to breed fussiness?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Why would you give mushroom soup to someone who has always hated mushrooms?
Poor boy, I would have let him stop after trying it. Children have genuine likes and dislikes just as adults do. Trying should be applauded.
imo its never right to force a child to eat something they don't like. Why should he eat another 3 spoonfuls when you knew he didn't like mushrooms in the first place?!
Poor boy. I don't make my DD eat anything she doesn't like and I encourage her to try new things. Just let your DC decide for themselves what they like and dislike FFS.
Thanks all, gives me a bit of perspective I think
Fucking hell that's awful .
Why would you give mushroom soup to a child that hates mushrooms?
I hate root veg and NI matter how anyone glosses it up I still hate it
Children are allowed to dislike certain foods
You won't win.
My horribly fussy DD2 is stubborner than me and genuinely not that bothered about food.
Trying to feed her something she doesn't like or has decided she doesn't like is a total waste of effort.
There may be tears and tantrums, often from the parents, but the offending item won't be eaten.
You can't win because she is genuinely happy to go without rather than give in.
Awwwwww, that's really cruel.
He may end up with serious food issues if he's forced to eat spat-out, gagged on food that he already hates.
To answer Shinyshoes and worraliberty, I hated mushrooms as a child and the 1st time I actually liked them was when I had soup as a teenager. I had discussed this with DS who agreed it might be the texture not the flavour he disliked and thought he would give it a go - possibly didn't communicate this plan to DH v.well.
I think that there's a big difference between a child genuinely not liking something, and being fussy. I'm no soft touch when it comes to picky eating but would never make ds eat something if he wad gagging.
YANBU at all. Why the fuck would you force your child to eat something they're gagging on? I mean seriously, what the fuck?
I think it was a good idea to try the soup. But once it was clear he didn't like it -- jesus, let it go. Who cares if he doesn't like mushrooms? Hardly a big deal is it?
Your DH should go up and apologise to him. Then everyone put it behind you.
I can understand not giving up with a younger child when they say they don't like a certain food, but by 8 or 9 I should think they've well and truly made their minds up and aren't just being fussy. Like you said, there's not much he doesn't like, so if he genuinely doesn't like mushrooms then surely that's fair enough? Although, thinking about it, I've always hated tomatoes, tomato ketchup, tomato soup, even beans or spaghetti in tomato sauce, but I like pizza and pasta sauce, and i've recently found that I quite like chopped tomatoes (as long as they're really warm). So maybe trying him with soup does make sense.
Anyway, I think your DH definitely went too far. Kids can be awkward about food but if you start treating them like that it's only going to get worse. I hope you had a stern word with him afterwards.
I take it you mean a stern word with DH catlady? Yes I did, also pointed out that I think he's being a bit harder than usual because he's tired - not gone down v.well. He thinks I'm being too soft, babying DS and undermining him. We can't seem to see eye to eye on this which was why I made this post.
Oh poor boy. He is allowed to have likes and dislikes and he tried it !!!!
And poor you. I think I would overall my DP if this occurred in our home.
Hope everyone calms down and his dad apologises to him.
I had a mother who made me eat a Findus crispy pancake ( pretend cheese flavour) and I sat there for over an hour crying trying to force feed myself it. Then I vomited all over the table. I can still smell it. You never forget.
Forcing a child to eat a food they are not enjoying is really cruel and will make them hate that food forever! As well as being tense and frightened at meal times.
I've two fussy eaters and have had professional advice on this. I was told the most importing thing is to make meal times relaxed. Always put something on the plate that you know they like so they won't be stressed and also it means they will always eat something. Don't talk of food as in dinner is something you have to get through to get desert as that doesn't encourage a good healthy relationship with food. So no saying desert is a reward and withholding it if they don't eat their main. No making them clear their plate as that will encourage them to ignore the feeling of being full and could lead to obesity it adulthood.
We do an occasional bit of gentle encouragement to try something new but we have to be careful. Now that my dc is more comfortable trying new foods we've started a sticker chart for when dc tries a bit of everything on their plate, but its taken years to get this far.
There is am massive difference between a stroppy child who is refusing to eat something as a tactic to try and be given something better and a child who genuinely hates the taste of a few things.
It's hardly babying him to say he doesn't have to eat something he finds so disgusting.
And it's not undermining if your DH is doing something really harmful.
Is there something your DH doesn't like, food or otherwise? Can he really not understand that it's normal not to like things?
if anything, it's babying to insist that your DS doesn't know his own taste.
Is your DH like this with other things? It's quite worrying tbh.
Your DH made him eat gagged-up food ?
What would he have done if he had vomited on the table ? Made him lick it up?
I wouldn't stand by and witness bullying behaviour like that either, and I wouldn't give a shiny shit at being accused of being "undermining"
Am also not sure how "being tired from work" excuses force feeding a child something they have consistently never liked
Agreed to try something that it was odds-on he wouldn´t like & was penalised by both parents!
What was the back up plan for his lunch if he didn´t like the soup?
I wouldn't have had a "back up plan" as such (I have never cooked different meals for my family), but knowing the chances were he wasn't going to like it, I would let him fill up on bread and butter or whatever was provided with the soup and ensured there was cake or something for everyone afterwards
The poor lad agreed to try it. I feel really sorry for him.
I just don't see the point.
When I was young I sometimes had to stay with friends who had a strict policy that you couldn't leave the table without eating everything. This included fat and gristle which I honestly could not eat so I was left to sit there for hours.
Am I a better person for it? Did it teach me something important? No. It was just some arbitrary bullshit.
You are not undermining your DH, you are using common sense and trying to protect your son.
Well that's a back up plan!
OP-how was your wanting him to have three spoons "letting him off the hook"?
Do you & your husband decide for yourselves what food you like/dislike, or do your force each other to eat more/finish?
Sometimes I don't finish food that I do like because I just don't always fancy all of it!
Ah, fair enough, diddl
It's a disguised back up plan I think, that allows everyone to save face and doesn't involve bullying a child. If he was hungry later before tea, he would have been told to wait, also (or offered something very boring)
My parents did this to me with a fish pie (was about 4) I cried and cried, it was served up three days in a row.
Now I can't eat any fish at all!
Is there any food your DH really dislikes OP?
Because I suggest that should go on his plate tonight.
So, you mde your DS eat soup for a food that he has never liked, WHY is it important that he eats mushrooms anyway?
Sounds pretty abusive to me, poor kid
I think DH feels that by being firm about food since they were small, we've avoided them being picky now and on the whole I agree with him. We've seen plenty of our friends/relatives having a nightmare at meal-times, making separate meals for their kids, avoiding going out to restaurants with them etc. However I quite agree that this is taking it too far, just can't see how it will resolve as not a hope that DH will apologise to DS and I'm not planning on backing down either!
I think he did well to eat any of it tbh.
Well done - you're children aren't picky and you can take them to all manner of posh resturants, but your DH forces soup on your son until he gags.
I often have to make alternative food for my fussy eater, and sometimes i do nag her to eat her dinner sometimes, i had often felt bad about nagging, your post has made me feel better.
If my DH abused any child like that he would be out, immediately, tbh.
My parents used to force me to eat food that made me gag.
I don't do it with my DC, and neither does my sister with hers. We do expect good table manners, fair efforts to try different foods, reasonable eating of healthy food, and mealtime conversation.
The older they all get, the more different types of (healthy) food they eat. Just like me, at their age. It's fine to be flexible.
My ExH on the other hand thinks that the DCs are 'fussy' and that I am 'slack'. This from a man who refuses to eat carrots, sprouts ... and thinks the epitome of fine dining is Cafe Rouge. I think he's just having a pop at me tbh.
Your DH's tiredness is a factor, I'd have thought, in his grumpiness.
I think there is nothing wrong with a three spoon rule. And you shouldn't have undermined your dh on this.
Calling the situation abusive is so OTT...something you only see on MN
E.g., the first time I had really ripe goats cheese was at a formal dinner. I gagged, but had to continue eating. Didn't kill me. And now, after many tries, I do appreciate it.
Maybe your dh was a bit hard, but I do think you should have kept out, instead of undermining him on such a minor issue.
I don't understand why on earth you would ask him to eat 3 more spoonfuls when you know he doesn't like it??
You know he doesn't like mushrooms. The chance of him liking mushroom soup must have been pretty slim, no?
Children don't have to like everything, and it's perfectly ok for them not to like the taste of something.
My DH hate broccoli. Therefore I don't put it on his plate. I would not put it on his plate and make him eat 3 bites? So why do it to a child.
FWIW my ds1 at age 3 ate about 3 things, cheese, baked beans and potatoes. I never made him eat things that made him gag.
At 13 he eats pretty much everything.
You don't make children into non fussy eaters by making them eat food they hate. IMO you give them a very negative attitude to food by doing that.
Three spoonfuls is fine but not when a child is gagging, crying and red in the face.
I don't think it's 'undermining' to stop a situation that has deteriorated badly and deviated wildly from its original intention.
I think that you should both be apologising to your son tbh.
And making yourselves eat a bowl of soup of avegetable that you do'nt like.
That's a terrible thing to do to a child. I loathe mushrooms, the smell and the taste and if someone tried to get me to eat it the soup I wouldn't even have one mouthful, let alone three.
Flatbread no-one forced you to to eat the cheese, having spat it out after the first taste.
My DS is 14 and eats foods happily that even a couple of years ago he would have avoided like the plague. Just today: fruit, veg, granary bread, spicey chicken.
He's done this without being forced to eat unwanted food.
It absolutely IS abusive, that is not an OTT statement. What would have happened if the poor kid actually puked it back up?
It was never going to end well, he doesn't like mushrooms so fucking what, they have virtually no nutritional value anyway.
If i want my child to try something she doesn't like i have it on MY plate and offer a try, but i would never dream of serving her something she doesn't like. The soup was probaby vile anyway.
This is worse than feeding your kids fruitshoots and Maccy Ds in my book, far worse
Ponctastic parenting at its worst
Social norms forced me to it eat. I had no option of spitting it out, without greatly annoying and insulting my hosts.
My dsis had to eat all kinds of vile things on business dinners in S Korea
My poor dh had to eat, what seemed to him, totally gross combinations in my home country. And take seconds, to ingratiate himself with my grand mum (and I love him dearly for that)
Eating something you don't like won't kill you, it is really not a big deal. Worth a few shared giggles later as you remember the experience.
A total ott reaction here. It is food. He is not allergic. No point fighting over it and getting upset with dh. DS will have many more, far more uncomfortable experiences than this.
I never made my ds eat anything he didn't like, though I always asked him to try it.
He's now 17 and is less fussy than me.
I was forced to eat school dinners, and there is still food I can't eat because of the gagging that I went through.
you get your DH to make something that your DS doesn't like.
Your DH compremises when you overule finish the bowl.
He backs you up on the eat three spoonfuls.
An your DH is in the wrong
FFS he can't be right for being wrong.
I hate raw celery but adore celery soup. Same with tomatoes. I can totally understand your plan with the soup. I think your DH was a bit full on to be honest but like you say could be due to him being tired. You could have a chat with him as long as it doesn't escalate into a full blown row as it's really not worth it.
I had discussed this with DS who agreed it might be the texture not the flavour he disliked and thought he would give it a go
Some of you seem to have ignored this part of the story.
Poor lamb. Doubt he'll trust you enough to try something new again now he knows that the goal posts will be moved about how much he has to eat. And that they'll be a huge scene about it all.
Unless you apologize to him and have a cuddle. Everyone makes mistakes but I think you should be building bridges. And hopefully your husband... Was he bullied by his own Dad? He might not be aware how ridiculous he's being. YANBU.
Nothing wrong with giving it a go but forcing a child to eat something they clearly find repulsive is not on.
Palates change as we get older and there could have been every chance that your DS would have grown to like, even love, mushrooms. Now he may always associate mushrooms with the memory of being forced to eat something he doesn't like and probably won't give them another go.
While I can understand the idea behind trying the soup, I think your DH has been a bit of a bully here TBH.
Making a child eat food he clearly dislikes and is gagging on, Pretty disgraceful.
Is there a particular food he dislikes? Whip it up in a blender and serve to him as soup for dinner, see how he bloody likes it.
But the poor kid gave it a go & didn´t like it
So by the sounds of things he went without lunch because he tried something & didn´t like it!
Oh & I hope he isn´t thinking that everyone skulking is his fault because he didn´t like mushroom soup.
He gave it a go and ended up gagging, crying, spitting/puking it out, and red in the face. And pressured into eating even more. And seeing his family fall out over it.
Lesson learned? Never try anything new again.
That is so awful OP.
What on earth did you think you would gain by force feeding the poor young boy and bullying him to eat a food he doesn't like
Obviously your son will now be scarred for life and you need to leave this abusive bully of a dh pronto!
Only on mumsnet..!
I think you need to talk calmly with your H.
Point out that while you all appreciate he made the soup, DS hates mushrooms but tried them. Therefore when he hated the soup he should not have insisted he finished the bowl.
Also that DS will NEVER willingly try anything new again, if he feels he can't say "I don't like that" without a major argument ensuing/being forced to eat it.
You should both then talk to DS and tell him this won't happen ago and that it was great that he tried the
And three spoon rule of a food you DON'T LIKE is a load of shit.
What doesn't your H like?
Cook it for him for tomorrow's lunch and make sure there's nothing else available.
I was made to eat things that made me gag.
Guess what? I still don't like them.
When did family lunch become a Bush Tucker Trial?
Anyone should be allowed to say, 'No thank you.'
who said she should leave the bastard? But it IS abusive IMO. They were both as bad as each other for even asking him to try the bloody soup. I doubt that he will be scarred for life but he may grow with issues around food if this sort of thing is a regular occurance.
Yanbu and your DH is. He tried it and said he didn't like it. As you said, he's not a picky eater so he obviously doesn't like mushrooms. Your DH was wrong to force him to continue eating the soup.
Unless your DH is a mushroom farmer and his stressful work issues are falling consumer demand for mushrooms? Sorry...
Calm down, calm down. It really is all getting a bit dramatic. It certainly isn't abuse and there is no good reason to be kicking anyone out of any doors. What are you having for tea Original Poster, may I suggest fish and chips from the chippie and a Victoria Sandwich.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Nobody has said LTB. Fgs, some posters see stuff that isn't actually there.
It could of been handled better, but all the fuss over a bowl of soup.
Then you need to be having more than a 'hard word' with your DH. Stories like this sicken me, I'm all for encouraging children to eat a huge variety of food, but that is cruel.
Perhaps your DH needs to remember his children are entitled to their own likes and dislikes too.
Saddened to read that some people think this is an acceptable way to parent a child
....Or bin it off with the caveat that "worse things will happen to them"
My mum made me eat cherry pie once... I told her i don't like it, she said eat one spoon full, and i was sick (in bathroom, not in bowl). I can still remember it, but it certainly hasn't scarred me, i love food, i love my mum, and i agree with previous posters: it's only a bowl of soup. I guess OP and her DH will remember this as not one of their best parenting moments, but i would guess everyone will get over it.
frustratedworkingmum you seem to be ignoring the fact that her DS agreed to try to try the soup because it could be that it was the texture rather than the flavour he didn't like.
He agreed to try it.
He hated it.
exactly what is the virtue in making a child eat mushrooms?
personally, i like mushrooms. but i have no problem with people who don't.
however, my daughter will be along in a minute, talking about egg on toast and social services...
where is Belinda, I hope shes down the chippie and not being force-fed sausage rolls by her Dear Husband or children
I think you were both unreasonable. The chances were he wouldn't like it, you should have just given him some of yours to try.
Hi Moomin, fancy seeing you here, what do you think to my Chippie suggestion?
He was a bit out of order with the Mushroom soup.
Is he normally a fun guy?
I like the chippie idea doe except were snowed in and I can't eat fish after my gran force fed it me as a child
I wish I had a gran that force fed me chippie fish
Well my suggestion of the Chippie wasn't really aimed at you Moomin, it was aimed at Belinda and the mushroom boys. Have you tried battered fish soup though that might be good. There is actually such thing as chip soup, I've heard it can be quite nice.
OP - Your DH was bang out of order for making it such a BIG deal when your DS agreed to try it on his own terms in the first place, bless him.
I was made to sit for hours with a plate of peas in front of me. I wouldn't be allowed anything else to eat for the rest of the day unless.I ate them; which I wouldn't as they'd make me gag. I hate the texture of peas. I still have some issues about food.
I can only eat mashed potatoes now if I put it through a potato ricer,
I can't eat it at other's houses or resturants as my memories are of sitting being forced to finish cold lumpy mash and gagging at primary school.
There are other foods too which I won't eat.
If you force a child to eat something they don't like you are giving them food issues. Thank God I'm an adult and will never have that again, and also happy that my 17 year old ds will eat most things.
I know he doesn't like some stuff, I've allowed him personal taste.
Why oh why was it so important for him to have mushrooms when he eats plenty of other stuff without quibble?
He tried it,he still hated it (regardless of texture)....experiment over.No adult should keep forcing it on the child like that.
I think it was cruel and mean.For Gods sake, everyone is allowed to have one food they just don't like.
Tomorrow Op, dinner for Dh is tripe, with a side of offal. And sheeps eyes.
Would he eat that?
I have certain foods I can't eat because they bring back memories of being sat at the dining room table alone with a plate of cold food because my dad decided I would eat all of my dinner including the bits they knew I didn't like.
I became very good at hiding foods and then missing meals all togeather when I had a choice.
I would be sent from the table to be sick and then come back to finish the meal
Not liking something like mushrooms is not being fussy its a perfectly common dislike,something's just are like that.
He tried it and didnt like it, if anybody tried to do that in those circumstances to my children they would be wearing the soup.
A man who whines that he's being 'undermined' is a man who thinks he's the head of the household who Must Be Obeyed. Tell your H that you will certainly put him in his place again if you catch him bullying the children and if he doesn't like it he can fuck off.
Is he a bully the rest of the time? Does the whole family revolve around Keeping Daddy Happy?
Your husband was being unreasonable. How would he like to be forced to eat something that made him gag?
It is good to encourage people to try things, but should have had an alternative for your son, under the circumstances.
Someone I knew, I forget who it was now, anyways, they poured mushroom soup through a strainer. They did like the flavour, but not the texture. I think it was ds1's ex.
Why does it matter that ur ds doesn't't eat mushrooms? V strange making something that u know there's huge chance he won't like and making him eat it. .. Just why?
It seems strange the OP and DH don't have a joint strategy on the trying food/ clean plate thing, so they can both have the same rules at meals. By the time our DD1 was 1yrs we had discussed and agreed we'd insist on trying food, but no need for any more than that. Have you had a discussion with your partner about a plan for dealing with eating refusals?
Neither of my dc are fussy eaters. We have never made them so called children's food and they have a wide and varied diet.
My youngest doesn't like pancakes. This is fine. I would never ever force her to eat them or hide them in other things or make pancake Soup.
I think that she'll get through life not liking pancakes and when she's older she won't look ridiculous telling people she doesn't like them as she likes everything else. When we have pancakes, she just has the other parts of the meal.
I bet there's something your h doesn't like. He can just avoid it by not cooking it for himself.
He sounds like a git.
When I was young, I wasn't given a choice of what I ate, but only how much I ate, e.g., plated my portions myself. But they had to be a reasonable size, e.g., couldn't take lots of potatoes and very few green beans, mum would correct the mix.
I wasn't allowed any food preference, simply due to the fact that no one askedme what I liked and i had to finish what I had taken on my plate
I eat everything as an adult, and usually take two small helpings, instead of one big portion (remnant of being made to finish whatever was on my plate, so I make sure I take small portions).
I am slim (size 8 at age 42), enjoy food a lot and love trying new things. Yes, there are foods I prefer over others, but I still eat everything without fuss. For example, I am not fond of cooked cheese, and my heart sinks a bit when I see a lasagne. But I will still eat it and no one else will know I don't really like it.
So take heart OP, your dh is not scarring your son nor necessarily creating any food issue.
Sounds to me like your DH is being a nasty bastard.
Children should be praised for trying things, and I think your ds did brilliantly be agreeing to try something he knows he doesn't like in another form.
If this were a staple food like bread or potatoes that your ds was refusing to eat, then your DH might have a point. But your DS didn't refuse to try, and it's mushrooms FFS! As humans we are pre programmed to be wary of mushrooms because so many of them are poisonous, which is why they are such a common thing to dislike.
When I was young, I wasn't given a choice of what I ate, but only how much I ate, e.g., plated my portions myself. But they had to be a reasonable size, e.g., couldn't take lots of potatoes and very few green beans, mum would correct the mix.
So if your mum was correcting the mix then you didn't really have a choice of how much you ate did you, because she was controlling how much of one thing you had in comparison to another. Especially because you had to finish what was on your plate. Im confused about why you think you had any choice there.
Clouds. My kids don't like potatoes! I don't see that it makes a difference if its a staple food. Its more of a nuisance i suppose but they are still individuals who like what they like.
I meant it makes a difference if its a staple food that they wouldn't try, sorry for causing confusion!
One of my ds's doesn't like rice, which is pretty much a staple food, but because it's the sort of food that can go with so many different things, and can be different depending on how it's cooked, I do encourage him to try it every so often. He also doesn't like mushrooms, but I don't bother encouraging him to try those because they are distinctive in their taste and texture and can be avoided so easily.
plus I think mushrooms are minging too
That post about Keeping Daddy Happy is certainly not the case in this house, but I've seen it elsewhere when with friends.
If you don't like a certain food but the rest of the family do, you don't get it put on your plate. Simple as that. No drama. No force feeding or being made to feel you're being 'naughty' for not eating said food.
I'm liking LadyBeagles's idea of tripe with a side of offal and sheep's eyes for DH today...... a taste (quite literally) of his own medicine.
A man who whines that he's being 'undermined' is a man who thinks he's the head of the household who Must Be Obeyed.
Sorry, but that is nonsense. There have been threads on MN where the mother is complaining that the father is undermining/not supporting/contradicting her decisions but never is she accused of being the head of the household who must be obeyed.
I had at least the illusion of choice
I had to take a bit of everything that was prepared. My mum correcting me when I took many roast potatoes vs greens, was I guess her way of teaching me about a balanced meal.
Honestly, I cannot remember any tense family meal due to food or any of us three siblings kicking-up a fuss. To date, we all eat everything and are healthy and slim.
I was surprised a few years back to hear my mum didn't like eggplant. It was prepared often when we were children, and she hadn't ever indicated she didn't like it.
Why on earth would you make so much fuss about this? He talked with you about this and agreed in a very mature way to try the soup. He told you he still didn't like it and you both forced him to eat it......why would he trust you again next time? Surely he'll just refuse to even try it.
Do you and your dh have no foods that you do not like and never eat? Why are you allowed to make that choice and he isn't. I'm not saying you should pander to every whim, but he agreed to try it and followed through with that in a grown up way and his parents reacted like children.
but from the OP all the DH has done from the start is back up the changing demands of the OP.
I don't get why you both made him eat something he clearly hates?
Your dh is cruel for making him eat it.
The issue here is not that your son didn't eat his lunch and you disobyed your dh.
The actual issue is that your dh needs to stop acting like he is the fucking king of the castle!
you served up a food that you know your kids dislikes - then watched as he cried and gagged while you insisted he ate it.
if i had to eat mushroom soup i would be sick
Clouds. I see what you mean. I encourage my children to try the potatoes but they just don't like the look or taste of them, no matter how i cook them!
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