to buy my son a valentine card so that he definitely gets one?

(101 Posts)

Can't decide if it is a good idea or not. On the one hand I want him to feel good about himself and popular (and know he would be happy to receive one and to be sble to say he got one when his friends were discussing it) but on the other hand I know it's a lie and he would be devastated if he found out so I would
tell no one, not even my partner (his dad).

discorabbit Fri 25-Jan-13 21:48:58

no don't do it

Bessie123 Fri 25-Jan-13 21:49:09

How old is your ds?

HollyBerryBush Fri 25-Jan-13 21:49:32

thats creepy, sorry, but it is

Unfortunatlyanxious Fri 25-Jan-13 21:49:38

Do not do it, could go horribly wrong.

notnowbernard Fri 25-Jan-13 21:49:45

Nah, don't
How old is he btw?

ImperialBlether Fri 25-Jan-13 21:50:09

No, please, please don't get him one. It will only go wrong.

SkinnybitchWannabe Fri 25-Jan-13 21:51:00

Nope I wouldn't. Whats to say all his mates get one anyway.

Sorry but he's 11. I just think if he doesn't get one he will feel bad and I'm trying to avoid that.

What makes you think he won't get one anyway?

my stepmum did this when i was about 15, i knew her writing. it wasnt off my then boyfriend and it massively freaked me out smile made me think she was more of a loon than i already did. It also crossed my mind that she may have wanted me to flash it about all proud just so she could embarrass me. Dont do it.

apostropheuse Fri 25-Jan-13 21:53:28

Well unfortunately sometimes children get disappointed in life, it's just something they all have to learn to deal with. Besides, if he finds out he will be furious.

I wouldn't get one.

Mutt Fri 25-Jan-13 21:53:40

No don't.

It's weird.

He wouldn't feel good about himself if he ever found out his Mum sent it. He'd know you sent it out of pity.

No-one needs a Valentine card and if you start doing this weird thing now you'll have to carry on your strange tradition every bloody year, even if he does end up getting a genuine one.

Katla Fri 25-Jan-13 21:55:03

No, don't do it. I think that's worse than not getting any at all. Generally I knew who any Valentines I got were from (normally some saddo that fancied me, never anyone I wanted to go out with) sad

notnowbernard Fri 25-Jan-13 21:55:10

Do 11yr old boys really give a shit about this sort of thing?

He's 11. He doesn't need a card

Lolling! In some ways I do know it's a bad idea and would be awful if he found out - that's why I would tell nobody. I think the fact that I would then have to do it for the rest of his life is enough to stop me smile

whateveritakes Fri 25-Jan-13 21:57:39

Valentines is just one day to be about about love and fun and not sex. I always got one from my father and it wasn't creepy in the least. However this was 30 years ago so perhaps sadly it might be weird now.

Getoutofmygumboot Fri 25-Jan-13 21:58:25

Why would you think an 11 year needs a valentine card? You don't want him to feel left out? How many of his friends will be getting cards?
Sorry for all the questions, but seriously op it's a really wierd thing to do.

Katla Fri 25-Jan-13 21:58:43

11!! boy, children are starting young these days!

Who knows someone may get him one anyway. If not, I guess it's a first lesson in life about the cruel twists and turns of love.

HyvaPaiva Fri 25-Jan-13 21:59:44

Oh that is quite creepy, OP. Definitely worse than getting none. Besides surely no one even needs valentine's cards? confused

Agent64 Fri 25-Jan-13 22:00:17


Mutt Fri 25-Jan-13 22:01:01

Valentine's Day is about romantic love.

Not about a parent's love for their child.

And definitely not about a parent masquerading as their child's secret admirer.

That Is Weird.

Annunziata Fri 25-Jan-13 22:01:11

I always send my DC Valentines! Go for it!

determinedma Fri 25-Jan-13 22:02:12

My 11 year old would die of embarrassment at getting a valentine's card from ANYONE!

AppleOgies Fri 25-Jan-13 22:03:07

My dad sent me a Valentines every year. I really knew it was him, but I liked it all the same.

My DS is 13yo and has never mentioned Valentines Day.
I think he'd be blush to get a card from anyone.
Mortified if he got one from me

No no no no no

They are all at an age that they are starting to be aware of who fancies who and recently all had partners for their school dance. Think will just never mention valentines day and hope it goes unnoticed grin

marriedinwhite Fri 25-Jan-13 22:11:19

I have always sent the DC a valentines card.

Married but do they know it's from you? I'd be doing it so that he thought it was from a girl in his class blush

giveitago Fri 25-Jan-13 22:15:08

Ow I'm in middle age - my dps always got me valentines. They were the only ones I recieved back then (normal girl and went to an all girl's school). Not remotely creepy at all.

My ds is sending my dmother one this year. He's 6.Again, not remotely creepy at all.

Unless you're a creep yourself and of course then you'd find it creepy.

Annunziata Fri 25-Jan-13 22:15:49

Noooo don't send it from 'a girl'! I sign mine from mamma.

2rebecca Fri 25-Jan-13 22:18:00

No. Kids soon learn that hardly anyone gets valentines cards when you are at school. If I had got a mystery one and later discovered it was from my parents I would have been really disappointed, and quite embarrassed that they thought me so ugly and desperate that they had to buy me a card to make me happy because they knew no-one else would and thought I couldn't cope if I didn't get one.

I'm not a creep grin. Would just have signed it 'guess who' or something written with my left hand!

Mutt Fri 25-Jan-13 22:19:39

rebecca speaks sense.

marriedinwhite Fri 25-Jan-13 22:20:02

Well I don't sign it from mummy but of course they know it's from me and although I pretend it's not they know it is; but they have had a card since before they were old enough to open it.

CecyHall Fri 25-Jan-13 22:20:02

My mum sent me one once from a mystery person as she knew I wouldn't get one, I know she meant well but I felt a bazillion times worse that I was so unloved even my mum had reached the depths of pitying me.

Not that I was overly dramatic as a youngster though!

CecyHall Fri 25-Jan-13 22:20:53

Cross post with rebecca, that's exactly how I felt

Rebecca but he will never find out. I will swear myself to secrecy, hide all evidence etc and no one will ever know grin

Married your system sounds cute - a bit like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. No one really believes it but it's fun!

Andthentherewere5 Fri 25-Jan-13 22:24:04

Well my Dad used to do it for me! I went to an all girls boarding school and Valentines was a bit of a nightmare. I didnt know any boys I wasnt related to so cards were never going to arrive! One year I mentioned in passing how it was not a great day at school and lo and behold the next year I had one sent from some island off the scottish coast, the next year was from the channel island and so it continued! It just kept the complete bitches I was unfortunate enough to spend 6 years with, off my back!
My Dad wasnt very openly affectionate, although I knew I was loved IYSWIM, and it is one of the small things he did that still make me smile now he isnt here.

Mutt Fri 25-Jan-13 22:24:28

Not cute, just Weird.

WorraLiberty Fri 25-Jan-13 22:25:10

There'll be enough time for him to buy into the commercial crap when he's ready to.

Really you don't need to encourage it even if he never found out.

Anyway, don't kids send them to themselves anymore and pretend to their mates it was from an admirer?

<< Tuts >> Kids have no imagination anymore.

GingersarealwaysToms Fri 25-Jan-13 22:25:44

grin 2rebecca. Nospring you just don't know. Stuff like this has a funny way of coming back to bite you on the arse. He's so young, he's got all the time in the world to have a fan club. Listen to what people are saying, please.

Zappo Fri 25-Jan-13 22:29:05

My mum always sent me one when I was younger. I think I always guessed it was her.

But Valentine cards can backfire (think Farmer Boldwood in Far from the Madding Crowd)

OddBoots Fri 25-Jan-13 22:29:06

Different families have different traditions, if Valentines is a big deal for your household and you don't think it would upset him then send one. In this house it's regarded as commercial nonsense so even dh and I don't bother with cards.

Wires that made me laugh!

I am listening - I'm not going to do it! Honest!

I have taken on board all the opinions and the majority are saying Nooo don't do it so I won't.

My first foray into AIBU has been very positive grin

Oops meant to be Worra

nametakenagain Fri 25-Jan-13 22:32:52

I sent a card to a friend when we were 18 because he'd never had a gf and was very sad about the fact. He was so excited to get the card and keen to figure out who sent it, that I worried that I shouldn't have done it. He believed it was genuine. And he talked about it at intervals for years.

We lost touch and I havent seen him for 15 years but I have never told any of our friends that I sent it. To this day I hope it makes him smile to remember. I didn't do it to have a giggle, I did it to make him happy. I'd like to think it did.

ZZZenAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 22:35:56

I find it a strange idea for dp to send their dc valentine cards. It is about romantic love so not appropriate IMO but if you want to do it, do it. It is OK to create your own family traditions but I wouldn't pretend it is from someone else

larks35 Fri 25-Jan-13 22:36:02

No don't, it might freak him out if he doesn't know who sent it and maybe really piss him off if he finds out it was you. Why would an 11 yo boy worry about getting a valentine's card?

MaryPoppinsBag Fri 25-Jan-13 22:41:32

That's lovely smile

I don't think I received a card until I got together with my first serious boyfriend in sixth form. I went on to marry him - so all good things come to those who wait. smile

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 25-Jan-13 22:43:08

I very much doubt there will be many boys getting Valentine cards at school, especially at 11, he'll certainly not be only one who doesn't get one.

usualsuspect Fri 25-Jan-13 22:43:13

He's 11

usualsuspect Fri 25-Jan-13 22:45:55

When my DS was 11 ,all he cared about was playing football and playing on his PlayStation.

thegreylady Fri 25-Jan-13 22:49:53

I got one from my mum/dad signed ? every year. I sent them to my dc too. It isn't creepy at all. It gives them something to show their friends and giggle/wonder about. I stopped when they received the first one from someone else. Do it :-)

giveitago Fri 25-Jan-13 23:11:05

Andthen. just like my dad and my mum. not wierd but nice. I;m not remotely interested as ever in valentine day but reminded me that I'll send ds one. He'll love it. And it won't do him any harm at all. He will love it. He's sending one to his best friend. He ( best friend) will love it also.

Lindsay321 Sat 26-Jan-13 00:18:04

Don't send him one. He's 11 and won't care less but I don't think it's creepy.

I used to make my mum a valentines day card every year as it was explained to me that the day was about telling the one you loved the most how you felt. I interpreted that as giving a card to my mum.

She kept all the cards I gave her (until I was about 10 I think). She never got one from dad so it made her happy. When I got pocket money I'd buy her a chocolate heart or similar too. She never ate them, just put them with her other "special things".

I loved my mum.

Dreamerstate Sat 26-Jan-13 00:44:55

My mum did this for me three years in a row when I was in my teens because she wanted me to feel good about myself - she got one of her friends to sign them so I didn't recognise the writing.

The result wasn't so much that I felt flattered and had an ego boost, but that it did my nut in trying to work out who on earth had liked me anonymously, but hadn't dared to come forward.

For years I played detective, trying to work out who it was - I lost count of the conversations I had with my mum about it!

I think I must have been at least 30 when she told me the truth - I couldn't believe she'd kept it a secret from me for so long!!!!

Honestly at 11, I don't think your son wouldn't mind not receiving a valentine's card. At 16/17 when I received those cards, all that mattered to me was WHO was behind them, not that I received them in the first place and as sweet as I think it was of my mum to send the and in retrospect funny, it probably wasn't the best idea!

ihearsounds Sat 26-Jan-13 01:08:26

Yes do it. Also include a chocolate heart. In years to come you will do him a favour and he will realise what a sham Valentines is and will not buy into the corporate bs and line the pockets further of florists and card companies.
I thank my relative for sending me the card, and chocolate heart. I realised I don't want the one forced day of a card from my partner to show how much he cares, I want him to do things randomly throughout the year.

I've done this for my ds for a couple of years now. His older sister had received a card and he was upset and quite sad that nobody wanted to send him a card too.

I send him a card, written by a co-worker and it makes him very happy.

They sell special kiddie valentines over here - and even ones to the dog and cat or from the dog and cat! Messed up country :-)

Katienana Sat 26-Jan-13 04:40:50

Is he going to send a card himself? I wouldn't do it you could embarrass him if he thinks it is from a girl in his class.

scratchandsniff Sat 26-Jan-13 04:46:37

At his age I don't think he will be the only one to not get a card. However, I don't feel that It's creepy if you do decide to do it.

Lavenderhoney Sat 26-Jan-13 05:00:59

Do 11 year olds need a card? I wouldnt want to start my dc off on a life of commercial slaverysmile or spending on gf/bf just because.... Pressure pressure...

If you must, write from mum in it. Hes a bit young to stress or care about this surely? And surely hallmark etc have missed a trick and should be producing them for family members to give? Yuck- I would not like that!

Glittertwins Sat 26-Jan-13 05:20:08

I wouldn't do it, I think it's odd. I think my FIL is more odd though - they were away on time, and we were instructed to buy Valentine cards for SIL and her daughter. SIL would have been early 30s (and married) and niece would have been abou 3 or 4. Now that is weird.

MrsDoomsPatterson Sat 26-Jan-13 06:26:09

Well, at eleven I'm guessing he couldn't give less of a shit about whether he gets a card or not!

LayMizzRarb Sat 26-Jan-13 14:08:42

I think it's sad that you think your son is either not very popular, or unattractive to his peers. You have decided that no one will send him a card?
How do you know there is not a young girl in his class who gazes adoring at him?

onetiredmummy Sat 26-Jan-13 14:14:08

My mum & dad always sent one to me, but then I went to a girls' school & it was a Big Deal & if you didn't have one to show on the day then yes, you were somehow inferior & not as attractive. So I knew it was from them but was glad to be able to take one in & pretend, in order to be accepted by the popular group.

<as impressionable as warm wax in those days!>

jamdonut Sat 26-Jan-13 14:18:40

I wouldn't do it. Not everyone gets cards,it is a fact of life. If he gets a genuine one,then he will want to find out who it is from. If it is too secretive,maybe he would be suspicious, and a little upset that maybe somone was winding him up?

My youngest son hasn't ever had any cards (he's nearly 13) and I don't suppose this year will be any different. He really couldn't care less. Though I'm sure he would be secretly flattered if he did get a genuine one.

redexpat Sat 26-Jan-13 14:21:22

I always got something from my mum or dad. Usually mum would go out the backdoor, round to the front, ring the doorbell leave present on the step and run back in, acting calmly as though nothing had happened...

I didn't realise we were in such a minority! The things you learn on MN...

katykuns Sat 26-Jan-13 14:39:45

I thought at 11, it was a real age of being interested in girls... I remember that age and the feeling of inadequacy when I didn't get a card. I never got one throughout my school years. I now truly don't care, and DP and I don't 'celebrate' it, but I can remember feeling very low that I never got one.

I would only do it if you can be sure he wouldn't know it was from you. I don't really see why it would be creepy, afterall its not really about romantic feelings towards your child, its about making them feel included.

MrsDoomsPatterson Sat 26-Jan-13 15:01:30

I've found that, sadly, (and this is a wild generalisation!) many girls (not all) are far less backwards in coming forwards if they like a boy nowadays. I think sending cards is a thing of the past.

Pandemoniaa Sat 26-Jan-13 15:03:40

He's 11? No way. It's a seriously bad idea for a whole conference worth of reasons.

diddl Sat 26-Jan-13 15:14:42

I wouldn´t.

morethanpotatoprints Sat 26-Jan-13 15:14:53

Sorry OP I usually believe in each to their own, but this is a bit creepy.

Neither my dss or dd have any interest in Valentines day and one is 21. Nobody used to bother at school neither. If anybody did mention they had cards no other dc seemed bothered about it.
If this is your only dc you need to be a bit less precious.

firesidechat Sat 26-Jan-13 15:20:22

Don't do it!

Mainly because it is totally unnecessary. My children survived into adulthood without a single valentines card. Nothing wrong with them (they are rather attractive, nice people) just that nobody bothered much with cards.

It is not a parent's job to protect children from absolutely every possible slight disappointment.

In fact, by doing so you are doing your DS a huge disservice by over-protecting his feelings and not allowing him to learn normal life lessons in a natural way. The anticipation (and disappointment) of non-materialising valentine cards is a formative part of learning about hope, disappointment, and other dating-related issues which will all be of use in developing a well-adjusted teenage persona at a later date.

I really don't understand the need to bubble-wrap children from every reality of normal life. hmm

MrsDoomsPatterson Sat 26-Jan-13 15:40:02

And all in all, it isn't all that bad not to receive one anyway.

Fakebook Sat 26-Jan-13 15:43:47

Do people really give a shit about valentines day? Since getting married to DH I've only celebrated it once and the only card I receive every year is from dd. Unless you're in America, I don't see why you're giving this day so much importance.

zukiecat Sat 26-Jan-13 15:46:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuriousRox Sat 26-Jan-13 15:59:24

And then what - buy him a wife in a decade's time so he definitely gets one and doesn't feel bad...? No op don't do it! Just be kind to him if he is disappointed rather than protecting him from the outset.

I still remember the girl at school who got cards from her mum dad cat and violin. Daft.

treas Sat 26-Jan-13 15:59:26

No don't do it - you'll be teaching him that he is only worth something if he has a girlfriend/boyfriend on his arm. You don't want him to be someone who cannot be single like my BIL who is on his 3rd marriage and who had women move in with him in between divorces.

RooneyMara Sat 26-Jan-13 16:16:06

Please don't do this. Loads of us got duplicate handmade valentines from a boy in the sixth form - we'd all been out with him for about a fortnight each, he was the 'stay friends' type - and he nearly got lynched when we found out he'd sent us all one!

He meant it well - but it felt patronising and disappointing. Be there for your son but don't send him a fake card.

RooneyMara Sat 26-Jan-13 16:18:05

I used to send loads! At least one every year. Everyone thought I was nuts, being a girl and going for it.

Tbh it never did me any favours - never got one back, not till I had a proper boyfriend - and I've not had one since apart from one from someone in the local institution. Which again was a nice gesture but sad

Vijac Sat 26-Jan-13 16:19:51

I used to get one from my mum. With. Question mark but in her writing and hand delivered so I knew it was from her. I think that's better than trying to write a secret one.

CuttedUpPear Sat 26-Jan-13 16:24:13

When I was 15 I sent myself a Valentine's card so I could pretend to my family that someone (anyone) liked me.
The next year I didn't bother (had more sense) and I received no fewer than 6 cards in the post!

It was only 30 years later (after this amazing feat never ever being repeated) that I realised that my dad must have been behind it - I think he got everyone at his work to write one for me!

It doesn't matter cos I was v chuffed and would have been even if I'd found out at the time.

Send your boy one, go on.

My mother always made sure a Valentine's card. I always knew it was from her and that was fine. It is partly so if people ask "how many cards did you get?" your answer is one greater than it would otherwise have been.

Secret V Day anything just causes anxiety.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 26-Jan-13 16:35:43

He will either cause himself huge embarrassment by presuming its from someone who it is not, or he will see straight through it and know it's you.

Every parent thinks about doing this. Most decide against it.

If he'd want you to do it if you asked him, then tell him your plan. If it has to stay a secret he doesn't want you to do it.

It's only parents that ask how many cards you get anyway.

Wellthen Sat 26-Jan-13 18:25:56

I had a friend who recieved one every year from the age of about 11. The first couple of years it was exciting and we all wondered who it might be. By the 3rd year it was just unbelieveable that anyone would feel strongly enough to send a card and yet not ask her out. Surely one of the points of 'secret admirer' cards is that the person secretly likes you back?

Someone pointed out it was probably her Mum and she insisted it wasn't because 'I've asked her' hmm Years later she now admits it was almost certainly her Mum.

At time I just remember thinking 'why does her Mum care whether she gets one?' its like saying 'no one fancies my child! I must pretend someone does or they will hate themselves!' - Why do you need to be 'fancied' to be happy? OP I'm sure this isnt your intention!!! But it just smacks of 'you are only worth something if you think someone finds you attractive'

MadRambler Sat 26-Jan-13 19:15:47

I've not read all the replies, but I would ask you not to do this.

When I was about 14, I got my first proper (ie. from unknown sender) Valentine's card and was so excited.

It turned out my dad had sent it. Can't remember why, my parents must have been feeling sorry for me at the time.

It really hurt when I found out, which I did because they had to come clean when I got so excited and wouldn't stop going on about who it might be from. I think they then realised they'd made a mistake.

It might not mean so much to an 11 year old, but I bet you still end up admitting to it at some point.

mrsjay Sat 26-Jan-13 19:20:48

No don't do it it is weird My friends GP sends her son 1 every year he is 15 shock don't it is ok if he doesn't get 1 it really is,

mrsjay Sat 26-Jan-13 19:22:52

OP what if he has a crush or fancies a girl in his class and thinks it is from her ? it could be really awkward, for him why does it matter at 11 if he gets a card or not

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 26-Jan-13 19:49:46

That's a good point mrsjay.
Imagine the embarrasment.

11's young for cards around here. DD is 12.5 and there's absolutely no chance there'll be any this year, from what friends tell me it's rare that any of the local kids do valentines' before year 10.

imonlydancing Sat 26-Jan-13 20:01:31

My school friend got one from her mum every year from year 7 to 11. The first year she was the only girl in our whole class to get one. We spent hours analysing the handwriting, looking at boys work books, trying to see if anyone watched her longingly in PE, wondering how they got her address etc.

By the 5th year, EVERYONE knew her mum was writing these things. Except my poor friend. None of us said anything, but the horrible boys in our class did. She was ridiculed endlessly. Don't do it!!!

catladycourtney1 Sat 26-Jan-13 20:04:06

My first thought was what if he already thinks someone fancies him, and becomes convinced that it is from them? Potentially much more awkward and embarrassing situation than just not getting a card. Have you seen the Desperate Housewives episode where Gabby gets Juanita a card because she knows she won't get one, and she thinks it's from a boy in her class and ends up getting suspended or something for harrassing him?

My mum and dad used to get me a Valentine's card when I was about that age, they never signed it (as per tradition), but it was always pretty clear that it was from them. It was more of a joke than anything.

Thinking about it now, 11 does seem a bit young, but my primary school used to get the big post-box out for Valentine's day and deliver the cards to each classroom, like they did at Christmas. And only the oldest kids were eleven, obviously. I suppose it doesn't have to be anything overly adult or sexual.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 26-Jan-13 20:23:35

Don't do it! I agree it's weird.

Saying that though, I have given my dc chocolate hearts and the like on valentines day ever since they were little. I think that's very different though, because they know its from me.

I can remember not getting valentines and being a bit upset about it when I was at school, but looking back, it was only my best friend that did get one, so it's not like I was in the minority. And it's actually a bit creepy getting valentines when you genuinely have no idea who they are from. I had that once, when I was in a relationship, and I still want to know who the fuck sent it, because it wasn't my then boyfriend!

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sat 26-Jan-13 21:50:00

don't send him a valentine.

teach him that is the one day in the year when he is allowed to lie. when anyone asks 'did you get a valentine?', he should look coy and at first refuse to tell, then say he had two. he can describe them if he likes. he can say, honestly, he has no idea who might send him a valentine.

i can't remember who told me this trick, but it works. being older and teaching, i now recieve six valentines cards every year. i might only get five this year, as my 'admirers' must be getting older...

chocoluvva Sat 26-Jan-13 22:43:58

According to DD, valentine cards are only exchanged between people who are already going out with each other.

I agree with Worra - no imagination these days!

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