to be so upset about wedding plans

(79 Posts)
ihateconflict Fri 25-Jan-13 20:57:21

DS got engaged last weekend, and he and fiance have set heart on a May wedding next year. They asked DD to be bridesmaid. However, DD is on a work placement in australia for 8 weeks, which includes the whole of may, which cant be changed. DS feels it is his wedding, hence he should choose the day. DD wants and needs to do this placement as it is the culmination of 5 years of training, and is an essential part of qualifying. I feel that DS should have his wedding either before she goes, or when she returns, as they have not yet decided the exact date. DH says both have to make their choice. The thought of not having my DD at the wedding reduces me to tears, she will be devastated, as will the rest of the family. I might add that we are not a family who have ever argued, and have always managed to do things considering others thoughts and feelings. It seems my only solution is to pay for DD to return for the wedding, but i really cant afford the £1000 airfare, although i would do anything to have my family together.

Narked Fri 25-Jan-13 21:00:00

Your DS chose a date when she can't be there. Is he bothered that she'll miss it?

EndoplasmicReticulum Fri 25-Jan-13 21:03:13

YAB a bit unreasonable, as it's your son's (and his fiance's) wedding and not up to you to make them move it, or to make him feel bad about when he is having it.

I don't think daughter should move her placement, and I don't think you should pay to fly her home either - she may not be able to take the time off from the placement, anyway.

If son is set on a May wedding he'll just have to accept his sister won't be there. This need not be a big deal, it's only a wedding.

(Disclaimer - I have never understood wedding-related fuss, my own wedding was a very basic job and I think the marriage is more important than spending loads of money and creating loads of angst over a "big day". So feel free to ignore me!)

blackeyedsusan Fri 25-Jan-13 21:04:53

i think you may have to start saving. dd can save too. (you could a,ays give them less fo present to help, but for goodness sake do not tell them that!)

find out whether there is a particular reason they want may and not june or july. it may be really important to them. pushing it can really alienate you futue dil...

ihateconflict Fri 25-Jan-13 21:06:17

narked..when they said a May wedding, they didnt realise this was when DD was going to be away on her elective placement. They have not actually arranged the date yet, hence my feeling they could have it on a date in which she will be in country. He would very much want her to be there, especially as she is bridesmaid

Narked Fri 25-Jan-13 21:07:34

'She will be devastated, as will the rest of the family'

Really? Your DH doesn't seem devastated.

ENormaSnob Fri 25-Jan-13 21:07:35

What endoplasmic said.

It's only a wedding.

<I also don't really give a shit about weddings, it's just a day with a party>

redexpat Fri 25-Jan-13 21:09:06

I'm of the view that you check with the main players of a wedding before you name the date. And it's not like DD is off on a jolly - it's a part of her qualifying. Also like you say the work experience has been arranged whilst the date of the wedding hasn't been set in stone.

I understand where DS is coming from though. Could you look into the logistics of getting DD back from Oz? If it really is impossible/super expensive would that make DS reconsider?

Why are they set on a May wedding?

Narked Fri 25-Jan-13 21:11:01

Ah. And now he does he's bothered that she can't be there? The date is his choice but if he puts any kind of pressure on your DD to be there he'd be being very unfair - he hasn't even chosen a date yet and he knows she can't do it that month.

Can you not just say to him ..
Are you really going to plan your wedding for next May , when you know that your sister will not be there to celebrate with you ?

BuiltForComfort Fri 25-Jan-13 21:13:36

Well if they want her as a bridesmaid they can't have a May wedding. 8 week placement in Australia, already arranged and the culmination of 5 yrs training leading directly to her qualifying? She can't possibly miss it and really how practical is it for her to fly back, let alone the expense. Far better for her to finish her training and come back for the wedding and a lovely long visit to see family, celebrate properly with her DB etc.

If they haven't set the date yet, they don't need to pick May. They will still be husband and wife if the date is April or June or any other month before or after. Your son and fiancee are being ridiculous. If they go with may then dd should not feel blackmailed into attending, either by her DB OR by you.

ajandjjmum Fri 25-Jan-13 21:15:54

I'd be gutted too. Is your DS under pressure for May from his fiance?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patchouli Fri 25-Jan-13 21:16:51

I don't think she should be nipping back when she's only got 8 weeks there anyway.
If he won't get married when his sister's around then having the 'family together' just isn't a high priority for him.

ivykaty44 Fri 25-Jan-13 21:17:43

They haven't actually set a date - but want May 2-14 when your dd is away.

I would sit tight for a few days, maybe weeks as when they start to organise the wedding they might find out that they can't just get married when they want. They will need to book the wedding venue, the wedding breakfast and these two points may not have May slots available...

Op what date will your dd be back from Australia?

Bue Fri 25-Jan-13 21:17:50

What on earth is so special about May? It is most odd that your DS really wants your DD there, but won't compromise on the month. I'd be really upset if I were you.

MusicalEndorphins Fri 25-Jan-13 21:19:42

I'd be surprised if either of my sons would do that to each other. I mean what is 8 weeks, it is nothing. I think your son should be the one to pay for his sister to come back, not you. Bridesmaid or not, if he wants her there, he will have to plan so she can be.

Shelby2010 Fri 25-Jan-13 21:21:19

All you can do is make sure DS knows the dates when DD will be away, then leave it for him & fiancee to think about. Pressuring him won't help. Have they got a particular reason for a May wedding? Impending baby, needs a visa?

ToomuchWaternotWine Fri 25-Jan-13 21:22:58

My suspicious side wonders if his fiancée dislikes your DD for some reason and wants to avoid having her as bridesmaid? Maybe completely off target here but it does seem odd. Did they meet in May or does it have some other significance for them that you aren't aware of?

Patchouli Fri 25-Jan-13 21:26:12

I also meant to say - don't offer your DD the airfare to pop back.
It wouldn't be fair on her to put her in that position.

OP your DS can have his wedding whenever he wants, wherever and with whoever there. They could go get married abroad just the 2 of them! Getting all teary about your DD being there won't do you any favours in trying to convince them to rearrange the date. State the facts, May will mean sis can't be bridesmaid, and leave it at that.

hrrumph Fri 25-Jan-13 21:36:46

It's a decision for your ds to make I think. With some negotiating with this gf. Your dd cannot change her plans and neither should you pay the airfare.

I would take a step back I think. It won't be the end of the world if your dd isn't there. Upsetting, yes.

But it's really up to your ds and his gf.

ihateconflict Fri 25-Jan-13 21:37:06

nothing particularly special about may, although DS's fiance likes May as spring flowers/not too hot weather. i cant help feeling i will harbour some anger and resentment towards them, and it will definaty lessen my enjoyment of the wedding and the preparations for the day, and I seriously feel that it would spoil my relationship with DS fiance. The thing about weddings is that the whole family want to enjoy the celebration, and i feel that the wider family will be upset as well if DD not there, and i actually dread having to tell them if that is what they decide.

Strangemagic Fri 25-Jan-13 21:46:59

YABU,two people get married not a family,really it's about what they choose,not what the extended family want.
Why are you blaming ds fiance, it's their decision not just hers.Really not worth getting so upset over,she will become your sons family,and you have the potential to be one of "those "mil I read about on here.

Squeakygate Fri 25-Jan-13 21:47:18

I always wanted to get married in May. We didn't, I got over it! The important thing was getting married, not the date.

myBOYSareBONKERS Fri 25-Jan-13 21:50:43

Why do you have to tell them that the wider family will be upset???

That is just stirring it up when there is no need to.

MollyMurphy Fri 25-Jan-13 22:00:10

I can see why your upset but would encourage you to stay pretty neutral on it. Its your son's wedding and if he wants his sister there then he needs to be more flexible. I wouldn't suggest your DD coming all the way back from Australia because ultimately if your son and his fiancee insist on May then its inconsiderate of them and their problem to bear that she can't make it.

As it is as much his wedding as your future DIL's then I wouldn't ladden all the blame on her. Why your son isn't arranging to change it is beyond me. I would be surprised if others were devestated though TBH - really its a one day wedding. Try not to pile on more importance and meaning than is necessary. Its more than possible your DS and future DIL will make other decisions that are frustrating to you before this whole thing is done and its good to keep it in perspective.

Hissy Fri 25-Jan-13 22:02:02

Hy all the gnashing and wailing OP? Seriously, is this all there is to worry about?

Just call your son, tell him that he may have overlooked the DD placement dates, and that if he's serious about having his family present, then the date may have to shift.

At the end of the day, if you have to fork up for her to break her placement, to 'pop back', then that's £1000 less you could be helping them with their wedding/honeymoon.

I think you just have to say to your DS that if they are set on a may wedding then that's fine, but he will have to accept that your daughter is on her elective and won't be able to go. Don't get into any sort of guilt tripping about people being upset, your DS will probably be aware of this if he really thinks about it. Could September not be an option for similar reasons to may?

WilsonFrickett Fri 25-Jan-13 22:10:38

They only got engaged last week so nothing is set in stone yet. A brief conversations along the lines of 'if you want your sister there, these are the dates when she's away next year, she won't be able to come back during her placement, you know that, don't you?'. And then step back and let them get on with sorting it out. Talking about being 'devastated' at this point isn't helping and is just inflaming the situation.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 25-Jan-13 22:18:37

It is a shame and I can understand your disappointment. I think it has to be DS's decision though. He knows the deal. I'm sure your family will still enjoy the day. Maybe you can have a smaller family celebration when DD returns? I'm afraid if it meant that much to DS he would change the date.

footballmum Fri 25-Jan-13 22:19:47

Sorry but this seems to be more about your feelings than theirs. Leave them to sort it out between themselves and concentrate on enjoying your son's big day.

mynewpassion Fri 25-Jan-13 22:25:09

Its just not about your DD here. Its your DS and his future wife's wedding. You can have an input about the date the final decision rests upon them, DS and your future DIL.

You having resentment when everything has not been organize yet does not bode well for future relations. Don't be that MIL.

2rebecca Fri 25-Jan-13 22:26:26

If I was in a workplacement in Oz for only 8 weeks I wouldn't want flown back to the UK for a wedding, it's a 24 hour flight each way and it takes nearly a week to get over jet lag.
Is this another reverse AIBU?
Agree it's only a wedding, if the couple don't want to rearrange it then it's up to them. It would be nice if they did but it's really not worth falling out over. Their marriage and future life together are more important than 1 day's ceremony. I don't see why the wider family would be upset at the groom's sister not being there. She's not there because she's in Oz presumably enjoying her work placement. I don't think you deciding when your son "should" have his wedding is helpful.

Lafaminute Fri 25-Jan-13 22:29:04

My brother missed my wedding as he worked overseas at the time, my first choice of bridesmaid also couldn't make it - this was unavoidable -we all survived (my charming brother said he'd be sure to be at the next one!) and the wedding was great. In fact I wasn't at my brothers wedding as he chose to get married with only two witnesses, I only have two siblings but we are all close and this missing of weddings didn't adversely affect our relationships.

Booyhoo Fri 25-Jan-13 22:33:09

i think your son and fiance are a bit slow on the uptake if they have decided to get married when their bridesmaid is in another country.confused do they understand the physical impossibility of her being bridesmaid from australia?

they have a choice to make, either they move the date or they dont have your dd as bridesmaid. they cant have wedding in may AND DD as bridesmaid

MerylStrop Fri 25-Jan-13 22:34:11

This doesn't make sense to me.
They want her to be bridesmaid but are organising the wedding at a time when it is impossible for her to be there.
Well they can't have it both ways.
Don't put pressure on but certainly don't propose DD come back for it. It's their call, you have to put aside your own upset.
Though FWIW the weather will probably be no different in May than it is in August.

What Molly, Ethelred, Wilson, Xmasbaby and other said!

I adore my brother and would have been devastated were he not at my wedding - and vice versa. No way would I have planned it for a date when he was on the other side if the world!

Sorry, posted too soon. Are DD and DS close or not really that fussed about each other?

MidniteScribbler Fri 25-Jan-13 22:35:54

Tell that if they have it in May, you will consider DDs flight back from Australia at your expense to be your wedding gift to them. wink

" i cant help feeling i will harbour some anger and resentment towards them... and I seriously feel that it would spoil my relationship with DS fiance."

A little perspective might be a good thing here OP!

You say that this is all about family, and the wider family - well your son's fiancee is going to become family - and you will be "the wider family" to any children they may have. If you let this colour your relationship with them not only do you risk becoming one of those mil - but you could also end up not being as close to any GC as you would like to be.

At the end of the day this is THEIR wedding, not yours, not the wider family's. If they decided to clear off to the Little White Wedding Chapel in Vegas totally alone that would be their choice. You had the wedding YOU wanted when you got married, it is up to them to have what they want, when they want, with who they want.

If you let yourself feel angry and resentful about it, and allow it to affect your relationship with your soon to be DIL then you will end up being the one who loses out. If you are so concerned with the closeness of your family that you are prepared to let it cause this much trouble then you will be the one who actually damages that closeness in the long run.

A missed wedding is nothing compared to an angry, resentful mother/MIL who doesn't have a good relationship with her DIL, when it comes to upskittling close families...

WorraLiberty Fri 25-Jan-13 22:37:24

Sounds a bit fishy to me

Clearly either he or his Fiancee don't want her there

Yoghurty Fri 25-Jan-13 22:39:49

This is one of the reasons that my fiancé and I are eloping! (There are more!)

As lovely as it would be to spend our wedding day with family and friends, we will not be dictated to about when we get married if someone can't make the date we set.

I'm sure your DS is not purposefully setting a date that your DD can't attend, and I'm sure both he and your future DIL would rather everyone be there, but sometimes things don't work out.

Please don't make either if them feel guilty- it'll ruin their day, and remember, it's just that, their day.

I think you're getting too involved, it isn't your wedding. All you can do is make sure your dd knows the dates his sister's away and then he and his fiance can decide what they want to do.

It isn't unreasonable of them to get married when they want, and it shouldn't be about what will make you enjoy the day most. I think that holding it against the fiance would be an overreaction and unfair, it's as much your son's choice.

NaturalBaby Fri 25-Jan-13 22:41:11

There is no way I would have got married without my sisters or Dh's brother there.
It's not your wedding day though.

OP you sound as though you are very well-meaning but you have potential to be a bit over-bearing and over-dramatic. Of course it would be a shame if your DD couldn't attend her brother's wedding and be a bridesmaid, but if the couple have only been engaged a week then they've not had a chance to think everything through properly yet. The last thing they need is a weeping MIL throwing hissy fits everywhere and telling them that the entire family will be devastated.

Florin Fri 25-Jan-13 22:47:32

My twin sister did a similar thing. Gave us less than 2 weeks notice of her baby's christening knowing we were away. Our holiday wasn't changeable as being paid for by dh's work as he was doing some work out there while there. I still haven't forgiven her, I felt so unimportant in her life and left out of a big family occasion. I think it is very unfair of your son it will come across to your daughter like she is such an unimportant part of his life if there is no reason to choose May he should choose another date. It could put a rift between them for along time, not sure what you can do though :-(

madmayday Fri 25-Jan-13 22:49:05

OP - relax! There's an old wive's tale: "Marry in May, rue the day" - just tell your DS and his missus that and they might reconsider! grin

I think you need to just make them aware of DD's placement dates, that they are not moveable and that she cannot fly back and let them decide.

BridgetBidet Fri 25-Jan-13 22:53:24

From the point of view of the bride and groom it's their wedding and if they want it in May they can have it in May. You will not be getting off on the right foot with your daughter in law if you dig your heels in over this.

And yes you do have the potential to be one of 'those' mothers.

Knowing what has happened with family and friends weddings this kind of wrangling causes more hurt, upset and breaking of relationships than is really worth it over the actual issue at hand. Seen it happen LOADS of times.

If you start dictating to your DIL she is going to resent you and this will set the tone for your relationship which will likely last for years. For the sake of your son and any future grandchildren you might have, it's really, really not worth it.

thegreylady Fri 25-Jan-13 22:55:07

My ds married in Turkey when dd was in Australia. He only gave us about 10 weeks notice and she just couldn't make it though we tried so hard and both of them were disappointed.
When she got married years later he came from Turkey for a weekend to give her away. Your ds will regret it if he doesn't choose a date when his sister can be there.

EndoplasmicReticulum Fri 25-Jan-13 22:55:49

Having read updates I'm inclined to agree with lurkedtoolong.

This is why people end up sneaking off to Vegas.

riskit4abiskit Fri 25-Jan-13 23:38:03

It's not all about you!

It's about TWO people and their commitment. Guests are lovely extras, even family, but not essential. They mightgo to Gretna green if they feel pressurised!

I don't like the way you hinted that you blamed the fiance, not very nice sorry!

pictish Fri 25-Jan-13 23:47:12

I agree - you are making this all about you and what you want. You say it might spoil your relationship with your dil? Well...it will be you who spoiled it.

This is their wedding, not yours. You don't get to decide, and you certainly don't get to take the huff when they don't comply with your wishes. It's not up to you!

You are gatecrashing their right to decide with your hand wringing and upset over this. Leave it in their hands and respect their decision.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sat 26-Jan-13 00:10:39

I would keep out of it and leave it to you DS to sort out. He knows what you think, you don't need to say anything more.

Your DD has to be away and your DS and soon to be DDIL know this. It is up to them to choose the date. Does it really matter if your DD isn't there? You can do something special when she comes home. I suspect that the rest ofthe family won't mind half as much as you do. I am sure they would like DD to be there but they they would understand.
Being 'upset' with you soon to be DDIL before she is even married to your son does not bode well. sad

Morloth Sat 26-Jan-13 00:20:23

Devestated? Really? Over a wedding? I think you need a dictionary. You are a bit upset, anything more is histronics.

Geez, this actually isn't your business.

If they decide they want a May wedding and your DD can't be there, then that is unfortunate but it happens some times.

Your DD should go on her work placement, of course she should. She could let her brother know that she won't be able to make a wedding during these times.

It really isn't a big deal. If there is resentment because of it, then everybody involved needs their heads examined.

What an overreaction to a scheduling clash.

StuntGirl Sat 26-Jan-13 00:48:37

Good god woman, are you serious? What a palaver.

Just to remind you in case you'd forgotten; this is neither your nor your daughter's wedding. You don't get that much (if any) of a say in it!

ihateconflict Sat 26-Jan-13 01:28:01

maybe i am over-reacting.......actually i havent said anything to him, other than to say DD is away on elective and she would be dissapointed to miss being bridesmaid, but this was said in a factual rather than emotional way. I have a dread of being the MIL from hell, having had one myself!!!! hence i never interfere in their lives. We all get on so fantastically well as a family, we love fiance, DD and fiance get on brilliantly, DS and DD get on great, i think i am wanting to protect DD as she was so excited about it all, and she is now so hurt that she may be missing it. All our family were delighted at their news, and looking forward to celebrating it with them, i feel sad that a key family member may be missing on the day,
PS it may not seem it, but i am actually very rational, level headed, and not given to histrionics!!!!!!

TheSmallerPenguin Sat 26-Jan-13 01:54:22

Don't even think about planning for her to come back. Once she gets there she really won't want to, and the jet lag would be horrendous. Actually I'm sure they would let her - during my elective in Australia I spent vastly more time seeing the country than in the hospital, totally with their blessing. I loved it grin. But that's not the point.
Just state the facts and then take a step back. If they go ahead, you will have a great time at the wedding and DD will be very happy in Aus and will barely give them a thought. And that's not a bad thing smile

One of my sisters missed my wedding - at the time it didn't matter too much, but ever since it has been a big disappointment both to her and to the rest of us, whenever we reminisce about the wedding and she has to remind us she wasn't there. She was on a gap year and couldn't get back until a few days later :-( We didn't have a choice when to marry as it had to be done in time for us to get visas.

FellatioNels0n Sat 26-Jan-13 04:00:33

I can completely see why you feel so upset and frustrated and I think you DS and his fiance are being rather unreasonable and selfish about it, to be honest. I know it's their choice, they shouldn't have to bow down to others etc etc, but it really wouldn't be that difficult to shift it a few weeks either way would it? It's not as though it is going to cause any upheaval at this early stage as nothing is booked or paid for. Especially as they've asked her to be a bridesmaid they clearly want her to be there. I think it's a bit of an odd thing to do.

It's not the end of the world, but it is so easily avoided I don't really understand why they are prepared to upset and disappoint close family members over it.

FellatioNels0n Sat 26-Jan-13 04:04:35

When I announced my wedding and we booked our honeymoon my sil lived abroad and could not get home until a couple of weeks after the planned wedding date. We both really wanted her there so I changed the date of my wedding, which meant that I had to go on my honeymoon first and got married a week after I got back. grin

It was small wedding and it didn't cost me any money or stress to change my plans. Plus I had a nice tan in the pictures. grin

Unacceptable Sat 26-Jan-13 04:09:46

wilsonFrickett was spot on last weekend they got engaged.
This is major early on in the planning. Give it time.
If they asked sister to be Bridesmaid, chances are they'd really like her to be a bridesmaid.

ihateconflict Are you so worried about falling out with your son and future DIL that you are maybe jumping the gun and thinking this is where your first fall out will be?? Sometimes you can be so worried about what might happen that you get into knots and inadvertently 'create' an issue that was never really there.

Leave them be and stop worrying for now. My wedding was nothing like I'd first imagined once the engagement buzz had worn off and I'd started properly planning .

deleted203 Sat 26-Jan-13 04:14:13

I think I agree with saying to DS 'Are you really going to have your wedding on a date when you know DD is out of the country? She will be devastated at having to miss it. Is it vital that you hold it in May?' I would point out to him that you would be upset, as would wider members of the family and gently suggest to him that it would be a shame if his wedding was overshadowed by feelings of regret that his sister was not there. Presumably he and his fiancee want the whole day to be perfect - and this would certainly ensure that it wasn't.

Lavenderhoney Sat 26-Jan-13 04:24:22

They sound old enough to work it out between themselves? Do your dc still need mum to mediate and talk for them? If your dd talks to you and your ds talks to you and nt to each other you should give them the others phone number and tell them to sort it out! And you will support the outcome but not offering flights etc- leave your dd to do her course in peace or say great if they change the date. Whatever happens stay out of it! You will look interfering otherwise IMO. Don't cause a power struggle about the date...

It's their wedding- if dd misses it then you can hold a big family party when she is back and they are back from honeymoon for everyone to get together. It's next year anyway, agree that venues/ other arrangements might cause a change. Or not. But your adult children will have discussed so you will have to go along happily with whatever they decide. I am dreading this day myselfsmile

Astelia Sat 26-Jan-13 04:55:38

My brother missed my wedding as he had a race to be in. He now jets round the world to friends' weddings. Every time I hear about it it makes me remember how he couldn't be bothered to come to mine.

So YANBU and I would feel extremely upset if one of my DDs arranged her wedding when her sister couldn't be there. I certainly wouldn't be paying for any of it.

saffronwblue Sat 26-Jan-13 05:48:37

They are adults. Old enough for DS to be getting married and for DD to have professional commitments in another country.
Their options are to change the date of the wedding or for DD not to go. Try to step back and let them sort it out. The facts are very black and white- I don't think you should fly DD back to make up for adults who cannot manage their diaries.

lyndie Sat 26-Jan-13 05:56:06

Is it a medical elective then? If so its not essential to her training, she could do it anywhere, even in the UK. Yes she's organised it and it would be a shame to miss out, but it's not essential. Also they are notoriously flexible ie working for 4 weeks, travelling for 4........

wigglesrock Sat 26-Jan-13 06:21:23

But its not just a few weeks is it? I thought your daughter was away for 8 weeks including May - so she's away April & May or May & June. So if your son wants to get married in May there's the possibility that it might be nearer July. Apologies if I've missed the actual months.

You are asking a bride and groom to rearrange their wedding to suit your other child. Maybe they have another reason they want to get married in May, maybe it suits re the honeymoon/leave from work.

Chances are it won't be May, but I too have seen first hand grin these kind of "discussions" go very wrong and regardless of a final decision there is a resentment left and a slight seething that one member of the familys attendance is worth more than the decision of the actual people getting married.

HildaOgden Sat 26-Jan-13 10:14:49

I'd just invite them all to a family dinner now,(including Fiancee)bring up the wedding.Ask the couple have they a definite date,if they say May then ask DD will she be there.

Then sit back and let them sort it amongst themselves.They are both adults.The worst thing you can do as a parent is to 'side' with one childs wishes against the other.It always results in one child feeling second best,and that's what would cause damage.

2rebecca Sat 26-Jan-13 10:20:25

A family argument over dinner, great. That will put them off going round for dinner again. Extended family meals should be enjoyable, not places to bring up issues. The OP doesn't need to be involved in this discussion, it makes more sense for the daughter just to phone up or visit her brother to discuss things.

specialsubject Sat 26-Jan-13 10:27:35

it's a fancy dress party and it sounds like a lot of growing up is needed all round. It is not 'devastating' if someone is not at a party. It is devastating if someone dies. Get a grip and stop blubbering.

If DS wants DD there, he picks a date when she is not on the other side of the planet. It's not rocket science. She does not stuff up an important work assignment by returning in the middle.

it could piss it down with rain and be cold on a day in May. Or not.

ImperialBlether Sat 26-Jan-13 10:27:46

I agree with Rebecca, wouldn't it make more sense for your daughter to phone her brother and say, "Oy, don't forget I'm away for 8 weeks, will you?"

DontmindifIdo Sat 26-Jan-13 10:32:39

Well, if they now know when your DD will be away and have said she won't be able to come back, your DS can then look again at his plans. could you perhaps smooth the path a little by saying if he wanted (make it clear it's only if he and his DP wants too!) move the wedding date to when your DD can be there, but that puts it during the easter or summer holidays which will be more expensive, you'll pay the difference in venue hire etc but that it's entirely their choice and you're not pushing...

If htey've only just announced their engagement, they might also find that May is a popular month so they might not be able to get the venue they want in May anyway...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 26-Jan-13 10:35:26

OP... find the song that goes something like this "when you marry in June, you'll always be a bride", it's on "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers", see if that can persuade her, don't bother with your son with this tactic.

That's assuming of course that June would be any good with your daughter's work placement timing?

I think if there isn't a compelling reason for setting the date in May then your son and fiance are being a bit precious; it's a wedding, one day, it's afterwards that holds all the meaning.

You're not being unreasonable, not a bit. It sounds like 'exerting authority' and a little skirmish between sibling(s) and fiance, albeit very low key.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of paying the airfare to get your daughter back home. I would explain that it is for son and fiance to have consideration for family members and their attendance.

ClumsyClumberson Sat 26-Jan-13 10:57:37

My sister got married when I was in Australia. I couldn't come back for it. It's not been a big deal to either of us. Given the date hasn't even been booked, and they only got engaged last week, it's a load of fuss over nothing.

cheeseandchive Sat 26-Jan-13 14:35:05

It's a shame DS and gf don't seem to want to work around things, especially if there's no specific reason to get married in May. However, as difficult as it might be for you, I think you need to let them make their own decision and not get involved with regards to DD's air-fare or the opinions/feelings of the wider family. DS and gf are becoming their own family unit and they need space to figure out what's important to them and make their own decisions about how they relate to the rest of your family, both DD and beyond. It's totally fine and understandable to have your own hopes for the wedding, and even to share them with DS, but you need to let them go through their own decision process and make their minds up together.

As for
i cant help feeling i will harbour some anger and resentment towards them, and it will definaty lessen my enjoyment of the wedding and the preparations for the day, and I seriously feel that it would spoil my relationship with DS fiance
you're an adult and that's your decision, it might be tough for you but it doesn't give you carte blanche to let the relationship spoil because they don't do what you want. My family are very close and I was adamant about certain things on my wedding day that some of my family were strongly against. They expressed their feelings clearly, and DH and I talked it through and gave it a lot of thought. In the end, I couldn't bear the thought of a wedding day I did for everyone else and really believed in the way I wanted to do things, so did it my way, and everyone loved it. And the thing I respected most about those family members was, once we had made our decision, they threw themselves into supporting our wedding and making it the way we wanted it to be, and I never heard another word about it.

I think the bride and groom should take into account the availability of close relatives when booking weddings, but if there are compelling reasons why they cannot find a date that suits everyone they just need to go ahead and accept that people cannot come. There was a thread recently where people were suggesting that people ought to cancel already booked and paid for holidays to go to a wedding, which seems crazy to me, it's only one day, it is the marriage that is the important thing.

Pandemoniaa Sat 26-Jan-13 14:53:12

There's an awful lot of over-emotive language here surely? Devastation, resentment, setting hearts on etc.

Personally I'd step away from the situation a little and let your ds, his df and your dd to sort things. They are adults.

I don't want to sound harsh but do have experience of my dcs planning their weddings and I know that they wouldn't want me hovering around getting devastated on their behalf. Both ds1 & 2 are engaged. Each brother will be best man at their respective weddings. Ds2 waited till ds1 returned from 18 months abroad to start thinking about dates. Ds1 will either be getting married in the US or the UK. Both options have some complications attached. However they will sort these out themselves and neither will get married without the other as best man.

Clearly your dd needs to do her placement in Australia. Your ds and his df need to factor this in. Or not. Whatever is decided is their choice and they accept the consequences.

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